Parks and Recreation 4x17

1. This is The Final Word With Perd.

2. With your host, Perderick L. Hapley.

3. Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about.

4. Is Bobby Newport's campaign for City Council in trouble?

5. When I say your names, I want you to respond.

6. Dylan.

7. Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting.

8. They just fired his campaign manager. And where's Bobby?

9. He's on vacation in Spain.

10. He's not on vacation, he's in hiding.

11. Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth.

12. That's a hilarious image.

13. A foot in a mouth.

14. It's a common expression.

15. Okay.

16. According to the newest polls, Leslie Knope is now in second place.

17. She's just 15 points back.

18. How did she close the gap?

19. You have to give a lot of credit

20. to her campaign manager, Ben Wyatt.

21. So, apparently, Newport just fired his campaign manager

22. because Ben was kicking his ass.

23. Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have.

24. Every move he's made has worked.

25. He's like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird.

26. What did you just say?

27. Nothing. Keep up the good work.

28. You're doing great.

29. Mm-hmm.

30. Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote in local elections.

31. So, if you want to win, you've got to get the gray vote.

32. And to get the gray vote,

33. you need to get the endorsement of Ned Jones.

34. He's the President of Pawnee Seniors United.

35. He's like the Godfather, but old.

36. He's like the Grandfather. The grand-godfather.

37. The "Grondfather." He's the.. . It doesn't matter.

38. He's important, and he's old.

39. Mr. Jones, such a pleasure to meet you.

40. Please don't get up.

41. Don't worry. I can't.

42. Oh. Just joking.

43. I can get up. Oh.

44. But it's difficult.

45. But I can do it.

46. But it is hard.

47. Look. I don't have a lot of time.

48. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

49. Cancer?

50. No. I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.

51. Oh.

52. Why are you better for seniors than Bobby Newport?

53. Three words. "Ramp Up Pawnee."

54. Pawnee is way behind the times

55. in terms of making its buildings wheelchair accessible.

56. "Not enough ramps" is the number three

57. complaint among Pawnee seniors.

58. Right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."

59. You wanted to see me.

60. Good God. What the hell are you doing?

61. Upside-down sit ups.

62. Great exercise, and it literally lets me

63. see the world from a different perspective.

64. Isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that?

65. The world is my gymnasium, Ron.

66. But I will stop if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

67. Could you hold me while I dismount?

68. Thanks so much. You bet.

69. Question for you. In a town of this size,

70. the Parks Department traditionally has 10 employees.

71. You have only seven. Why is that?

72. I work hard to make sure my department

73. is as small and ineffective as possible.

74. The department is so small

75. because Leslie Knope single-handedly does the work of four people.

76. And she's already scaled back her time.

77. If she wins, she'll be dividing her time

78. between Parks and City Council.

79. I am going to have to hire a Deputy Director to pick up the slack.

80. No!

81. Chris, that's unnecessary.

82. The department is doing fine without Leslie.

83. Then, prove it. Complete one major project.

84. Either we complete a government project, which is abhorrent to me,

85. or we bring a new person into the department,

86. which repulses me to my core.

87. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose

88. which of my pet calves to slaughter

89. with my own hands for my sixth birthday.

90. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them.

91. And they were delicious.

92. Essentially, we're going to put a ramp on every building in town.

93. Like I always say, stairs are a young man's game.

94. Damn straight. This is very impressive.

95. You know, you remind me of my brother.

96. He had the same name. Leslie.

97. He lost a third of his body in a motorcycle accident.

98. The middle third.

99. But they sutured the hell out of him. He's fine now.

100. Much shorter, but a good looking, young, flat man.

101. What have you heard about Newport's

102. new campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley?

103. Who?

104. She wants to have a meeting with me at 5:00.

105. I told her, "Sorry, I don't talk politics after dinner."

106. Oh, my God. Newport hired a real Washington hot-shot.

107. Wow, she worked with James Carville.

108. She ran two Republican congressional campaigns and a Senate race.

109. Yeah, and check out this picture.

110. She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell.

111. That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

112. Why are you smiling?

113. Why is this terrifying information making you smile?

114. Newport's scared.

115. I mean, he must have shelled out a fortune to hire her.

116. So, what do we do next?

117. I'm going to set up a meeting. I mean, we can size her up.

118. But more importantly, it will humanize you

119. and make it harder for her to attack you.

120. And we'll do it at J.J.'s Diner. Home field advantage.

121. As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind.

122. But as a woman, all I care about

123. is your slight but powerful body.

124. Hello, Ann Perkins.

125. That's the first time you've said my entire name correctly.

126. Nonsense. We are close friends.

127. I have good news for you.

128. I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade our number one priority.

129. Oh, great.

130. For some reason when people in Pawnee use the water fountain,

131. they put their mouths completely over the spouts.

132. It's, like, this weird, disgusting local quirk.

133. Kiss one water fountain drinker,

134. you're kissing everyone in Pawnee.

135. Including him.

136. I'd like to complete this project by tomorrow.

137. Oh.

138. Set up shop in our office. In fact, take Leslie's desk.

139. Okay. I will. Thanks. Great.

140. Do you want the door open or shut?

141. Open is fine. Okay.

142. Hello, Marta. We would like our regular table,

143. but we want you to set it up a little fancier than normal

144. because we're trying to impress someone.

145. You mean Ms. Barkley? She's already here. Last booth.

146. Leslie Knope. Hi. I'm Jen Barkley.

147. Hi. Hi.

148. Grab a seat. Thanks.

149. Sorry about all these papers. I had them shipped in. I'm a news junkie.

150. Is this in Arabic?

151. Well, I've been reading up on you two.

152. Ben, it's a great job on this campaign.

153. Oh... Well, thank you.

154. And Leslie, your Parks work?

155. It's no joke. This is Federal government caliber.

156. Not to sound rude, but what are you doing here?

157. This campaign seems beneath you.

158. Yeah. Bobby Newport's daddy called me out of the blue.

159. I'd never heard of Bobby Newport before.

160. But it became clear in two seconds, this guy is a moron.

161. So, I was like, "Sorry, Nick. Your son is a moron. There's no way."

162. Then, he offered me a crazy amount of money.

163. I shouldn't even tell you how much, but I will.

164. $250,000.

165. Good lord. For six weeks of work? I know.

166. Plus, frankly, I needed a break from Washington.

167. Do you know Joe Biden? Oh, uh-huh.

168. He's on my celebrity sex list.

169. Well, he is my celebrity sex list.

170. Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe.

171. Oh, no. I don't think I can.

172. No way.

173. Oh, man.

174. I knew I shouldn't have met you guys. Now, I kind of hope you win.

175. She's just doing this for the money.

176. She doesn't even like her own client.

177. This could be the best-case scenario for us.

178. Well, the real best case scenario is

179. if she just takes the money and doesn't even try.

180. Tell me a little bit about Leslie Knope.

181. Well, Perd, Leslie Knope represents everything

182. that is wrong about politics in America.

183. She's naive, she's untested, and she's an entrenched bureaucrat

184. that's got the stink of big government all over her.

185. What? Oh, God.

186. Wow, strong words from a powerful lady.

187. So, I guess we both agree.

188. Leslie Knope is wrong for Pawnee.

189. Worst-case scenario.

190. Worst-case scenario.

191. I'm Leslie Knope.

192. And when I grow up, I want to be

193. a unicorn princess or a City Councilor.

194. Wrong. Not in my town, kid.

195. City Council's a real job for a real adult.

196. It's playing every hour, on every channel.

197. It's official. I hate Jennifer Barkley.

198. When I go to that senior center, I'm going to go up on stage

199. and I'm going to viciously attack her.

200. Okay. Don't let Barkley knock us off-message.

201. We are going there to get Ned Jones' endorsement.

202. And that's huge. You're right.

203. And I should listen to you always because you are a man-genius.

204. With a taut, narrow frame, like a sexy elf king.

205. Do you wish I were taller? What's going on?

206. Nothing. You're perfect.

207. Okay, everyone. So, the Health Department

208. is working on a poster campaign

209. to warn people about diseases.

210. Now, we are going to build a better water fountain for the parks.

211. Andy is our official water fountain tester.

212. All right. Let's give this sucker a test drive.

213. Yeah. So, the idea is to make a fountain that he can't do that to.

214. That's good.

215. Okay. Any ideas? Jerry?

216. Well, I was thinking that we could put this cage thing around it.

217. Okay. That could work. Andy?

218. Thank you, Andy.

219. Still good. Tom?

220. Full disclosure. Ann and I are romantically intertwined.

221. Oh, God. So,

222. let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.

223. Would you just go, dummy?

224. What's the best kind of water fountain?

225. How about no water fountain?

226. This is the Voss Water Butler, by Tumi.

227. At only $600 a bag...

228. April. What's your idea?

229. To go in that room and finish this book.

230. Oh, really? Yeah.

231. Is it good? Yeah.

232. You're going to stay here and you're going to help.

233. Donna?

234. Do I look like I drink water?

235. Yoo-hoo. I'm over here. I'm just about to start my presentation.

236. Uh-oh, stairs.

237. What do I do? How do I get from here to there?

238. I'm not a professional mountain climber.

239. It's a real problem in our town, but not anymore.

240. Thanks to Ramp Up Pawnee.

241. We are going to put ramps in every building in this town.

242. Because if there's one thing I believe,

243. it's that stairs are a young man's game.

244. Ramps are an idiot's game.

245. This is nothing more than a worse version of Bobby Newport's plan.

246. What plan? Bobby Newport doesn't have a plan.

247. Was somebody just talking about Bobby Newport's plan?

248. Because Ned Jones and I would love to share it with you.

249. Come on out here, Ned.

250. Ned Jones is here. Say hello to Ned Jones.

251. Make way for Ned Jones.

252. Why don't we just turn up the pressure?

253. That way, you don't have to put your mouth so close?

254. All right, here we go.

255. Ah! Stop!

256. Honey, I'm sorry.

257. That will teach you to pay attention.

258. I have an idea.

259. I was thinking what if we did something like this?

260. Oh, my... Dude!

261. What the hell?

262. Bobby Newport's plan is called "Rise Up, Pawnee."

263. He is going to put an electric lift

264. on every outdoor staircase in town.

265. Now, you could use a ramp, but that seems like a lot of work.

266. Bobby Newport thinks that the stairs should do the work for you.

267. Don't you agree?

268. As president of Seniors United,

269. I endorse Bobby Newport.

270. I've started interviewing people to fill in for Leslie.

271. I have found five candidates I'd like to hire,

272. and two I'd like to be life-long friends with.

273. Well, you will not be hiring anyone,

274. because my department is just finishing up a major project.

275. Excuse me.

276. Everything I'm wearing is suede!

277. Everything I'm wearing is suede!

278. Everything I'm wearing is suede! Excuse me, everybody.

279. Attention!

280. I think you'll agree that this department could use a little leadership.

281. Kamikaze!

282. "Stumbling for the first time in months,

283. We are getting our butts kicked,

284. by a guy who is not even in the country.

285. He's making out with some floozy in Majorca.

286. I'm sorry. I wish I was better at this.

287. Then, you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.

288. Maybe we take the fight to her?

289. I mean, I could try to get you on Perd's show,

290. and you could tell him how she stole our idea.

291. That sounds good.

292. Okay, I'll just do that. I can call them.

293. Or maybe I'll just go down there.

294. Hey, Chris wants you in his office

295. for the final round of interviews.

296. And sorry we goofed around so much.

297. Normally, I'd be very proud of you for what you did.

298. This is a rare example where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.

299. Is there really going to be a weird new person in the office?

300. I think so.

301. We may be in for a good old-fashioned shake-up.

302. Jennifer Barkley.

303. You two-faced, carpet bagging...

304. Hey, Leslie. Good to see you.

305. Hi, nice to see you, too.

306. You are a two-faced, carpet...

307. Do you want anything? Anything!

308. It's on me. Everything in this town is so cheap.

309. I would never accept anything from a two-faced, carpet-bagging...

310. Leslie. Please, let me get my insult out.

311. I've been practicing it the whole way over here.

312. I sense that you're angry. Tell me why.

313. Because you stole my idea.

314. And yours won't even work.

315. Ramps are more practical and they're less expensive than lifts.

316. My idea is better.

317. Oh, I don't doubt it. The fact is, I don't care.

318. Ramps, lifts, your plan, my plan.

319. I don't actually care about any of this.

320. I'm just trying to win.

321. Look, it's not personal. I like you.

322. But my job is to beat you.

323. So, have a seat.

324. I'll get you some of those waffles you love.

325. How do you know...

326. It's my job to know.

327. God, you're good. I know.

328. Hey, guys. What's so important?

329. Well, after yesterday's hands-on brainstorming session...

330. Water balloon fight.

331. Fair enough.

332. We think we came up with a fountain idea that really works.

333. Presenting the amazing spout-less fountain.

334. What?

335. We just removed the splash guard.

336. Because if it's not there, you can't put your mouth on it.

337. Well, I'll try it.

338. Ha ha!

339. I did it! Good job, babe.

340. Simple, elegant and cost effective.

341. If your team keeps this up, I think we can hold off

342. on filling the Leslie void.

343. I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void.

344. I'll give it up for that.

345. So, what's Ben's next move for you?

346. I'm not going to tell you that. Oh, let me guess.

347. Um, you're going to attack me.

348. You're going to go on that "Perm" show again

349. so you can tell everyone that that ramp idea was yours.

350. It's "Perd," first of all. And no.

351. Maybe. No.

352. That's not a terrible idea.

353. You know, actually, it is kind of terrible.

354. Because if you go on the air and tell everybody that I stole your idea...

355. Which you did. Which I did.

356. Everyone's going to think you're a sore loser.

357. A goody-goody nerd.

358. Because you know what people don't care about?

359. They don't care about whose idea was first.

360. They care about whose idea was best.

361. Well, let's say that that was our plan.

362. Which it isn't. Okay.

363. What would you do instead?

364. Oh, Leslie, I really shouldn't give you campaign advice.

365. Oh. Right. Yeah, what the hell.

366. If you love chess, which I do,

367. but you don't have anybody to play against, which I don't,

368. then sometimes you just got to play yourself.

369. You could attack the Newport plan for costing too much money.

370. No, but that would backfire, because then we would just say,

371. "You can never spend too much on seniors."

372. Of course.

373. You need to beat our idea.

374. Come up with something better.

375. I don't know. Maybe a free shuttle service for seniors.

376. All right? That could work. Wow.

377. Waffles and a cappuccino.

378. Gracias, Marta.

379. J.J.'s doesn't have a cappuccino maker.

380. Oh, it does now. I bought them one.

381. Of course you did.

382. You talked to Barkley without me?

383. I wanted to tell her what a jerk she was.

384. And then, she guessed your plan immediately,

385. and demolished it.

386. Okay. As a rule, you shouldn't take advice

387. from your opponent's campaign manager.

388. But what if she's right?

389. What if it's a trick?

390. I mean, maybe she thinks our original plan would work,

391. and she convinced you to use her plan instead

392. because she knows that won't work.

393. Or maybe she thinks that we think

394. that she thinks that, so we won't do it.

395. But she knows that I know that she knows that.. . She's in our heads.

396. I'm sorry, Leslie. She's better at this than I am.

397. Hey. There is no one on Earth

398. that I would rather go into battle with than you.

399. Really? Yes.

400. So tell me, what do we do, my campaign manager?

401. I don't know.

402. Okay.

403. I'd like to talk about your future.

404. Why are we on this bench? This is weird.

405. You did a great job solving that problem today.

406. The leadership you displayed has gotten me thinking.

407. I didn't solve that problem. April did.

408. Really?

409. Why did she tell me you did?

410. Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think

411. that she actually cares about something.

412. If you're looking for someone to help fill in for Leslie,

413. April is a pain in the ass, but she's clearly the answer.

414. Perhaps you're right.

415. Should I go?

416. Oh, you're still here? Yes.

417. Let's begin the show by starting it.

418. Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport campaign stole one of your ideas.

419. Well, uh...

420. They did. They stole our idea.

421. We were working on the "Ramp Up Pawnee" initiative for many weeks.

422. Oh, Perd, this is politics as usual.

423. The fact is, Bobby Newport's plan

424. is better for seniors, better for Pawnee.

425. Well, our plan is more practical and it's cheaper.

426. There she goes again, Perd.

427. I don't know where she went the first time.

428. Bobby Newport cares about better, not cheaper, for our seniors.

429. And our flash poll seems to agree.

430. Some 78% of those we surveyed prefer the Newport plan to the Knope plan.

431. This is why Ned Jones has endorsed us. Let's get back on track.

432. I just think our opposition is losing sight of what all this is about.

433. What this is about is Pawnee, and that is what I care about.

434. What Bobby Newport cares about

435. is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy.

436. Excuse me?

437. Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it.

438. It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde, which is what she reads.

439. It was in the Pawnee papers.

440. Bobby Newport's personal life is neither here nor there.

441. It's certainly not here.

442. And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor who stays in the city.

443. Like I do.

444. Well, we were going to keep this a secret

445. until we had everything in writing,

446. but Bobby Newport is trying to convince a major European company

447. to open a factory in Pawnee.

448. And that woman that he is with is an anti-land mine advocate.

449. I didn't realize that you were pro-land mine.

450. I am not here to declare a winner.

451. But Jennifer is the winner.

452. Thank you.

453. Now, it's time to move on to our next segment, which is a commercial.

454. I am going to get drunk.

455. And then, I'm going to order a three-course meal

456. where each course is made of dessert.

457. She kicked our asses. Yeah.

458. How are we going to beat her? I don't know.

459. I mean, she's like a hurricane. She's everywhere.

460. Literally.

461. Hi, guys!

462. You really stepped up your game. That was really fun.

463. You almost got me.

464. I would have,

465. if Bobby Newport hadn't gotten those

466. stupid companies to build factories here.

467. What are you talking about?

468. Oh, that thing I said on the show?

469. Oh, no, that was mostly made-up.

470. Don't challenge me on that. That will backfire.

471. Anyway, enjoy your dinner, guys.

472. I already took care of the bill.

473. Another round, please. Uh-huh.

474. Nice job on the water fountain.

475. It wasn't me.

476. Don't deny it. I know it wasn't the nurse.

477. I'm asking you to step up.

478. Not replacing Leslie, just picking up some slack.

479. I don't want to do things.

480. I want to not do things, just like you taught me.

481. And I taught you well.

482. But I don't like watching you wasting your brain,

483. and you're too smart to stay my assistant here forever.

484. I'd rather you start a business or use your hands to farm.

485. But right now, the department needs you.

486. Please.

487. Okay.

488. But only because you begged.

489. Good girl.

490. Chris Traeger.

491. This is Ron Swanson.

492. April's going to take over some of Leslie's responsibilities.

493. Excellent.

494. I have been a fan of April since day one. I told...