Parks and Recreation 4x14

1. Okay. Time for gifts.

2. We have gift certificates for facials for everybody.

3. Then, you are going to get a needlepoint pillow with your face on it

4. and the lead headline from a newspaper on the day you were born.

5. "Josef Stalin Dies"?

6. That's right, Mom. And you replaced him.

7. Not in terms of genocide. Just in terms of, you know, being on Earth.

8. February 14th, Valentine's Day, is about romance.

9. But February 13th, Galentine's Day

10. is about celebrating lady friends.

11. It's wonderful, and it should be a national holiday.

12. It should be a national holiday.

13. "Dear Congress. It's Leslie again."

14. Let's talk about personal relationships.

15. Who wants to start? Donna?

16. I have several men in rotation.

17. One's waiting for me out in the car.

18. Don't worry. I rolled down the window.

19. April, you're the old married broad here. How's Andy?

20. Well, last week, he was supposed to buy gas,

21. but instead, he bought novelty cookie cutters.

22. Now, everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur.

23. He's amazing.

24. Great. And, Mom, how is it going with Steven?

25. Well, I met him on the Internet

26. because of my lovely daughter.

27. And we are

28. compatible.

29. Okay, no, no, no. Ann, can you start talking?

30. Well, I'm in a bit of a lull right now.

31. But I'm so glad that you all

32. have people in your lives that you care about,

33. so congrats.

34. It's really hard to say "congrats" without sounding sarcastic.

35. Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy. Damn it.

36. We are.

37. Ann, I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I put you on the spot

38. when I asked you about your love life.

39. How are you doing?

40. You know, I'm mostly fine being single.

41. It's just this time of year, with the hearts and roses,

42. it just gets me a little down.

43. But Galentine's Day made me feel better. So thanks.

44. Oh, Ann. You beautiful spinster. I will find you love.

45. What? Did you say something? I love you.

46. Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.

47. Wow. Great attitude, Ron.

48. Sorry. I was talking to these ribs.

49. Okay. So the Valentine's Day dance

50. is planned, prepped and under budget.

51. But we have one final task.

52. Ann Perkins is currently attending the Valentine's Day dance alone.

53. So I need each one of you to bring an eligible bachelor for her tomorrow.

54. Ann's not totally hideous. Why does she need our help?

55. Because that's what friends do, April.

56. They help friends find happiness.

57. Now, the last guy she liked was Chris.

58. But she can't date him again because he's her boss.

59. So when we're thinking of prospective sweethearts,

60. we need to think of people who are

61. attractive and smart and kind.

62. And if you're wondering what kind of guy is right for Ann,

63. all you need to do is ask.

64. Also, you need to find someone educated and friendly and fun.

65. Just tell us the damn word.

66. Effervescent. He needs to be effervescent.

67. Quick question about Ann.

68. Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her?

69. No one respond. No one say anything.

70. Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.

71. Silence.

72. I don't think she does.

73. Would she like some? Jerry!

74. Happy Valentine's Day and.. .

75. Yachter Otter? Yep.

76. Two months ago, I have a dream about a playboy otter lost at sea,

77. and you make him real?

78. I love it. I thought we had agreed

79. that we weren't going to get each other presents

80. because we were too busy with the campaign. I got you something too.

81. Oh. A bomb?

82. It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code,

83. which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.

84. Wow. That's specific.

85. Inside, it will tell you where to meet me at 9:00 p.m. tonight.

86. And the combination is a five-letter code

87. that captures the essence of our third date.

88. Yeah. So I will see you tonight.

89. Okay. Unless you can't crack the code.

90. I think I can crack the code.

91. I have no idea what the code is.

92. Hey, man, you okay? Still thinking about your ex?

93. Millicent Gergich has literally

94. torn my heart from my body,

95. and replaced it with a thick slab of sadness.

96. I may never smile again.

97. Cool. So I found a DJ for the dance and his name is D.J. Bluntz.

98. Tom, this is a publicly funded couples dance.

99. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be "getting wet with sound."

100. Who's going to do it, then?

101. I will. I certainly have no other plans for Valentine's Day

102. because I am completely alone.

103. All right. I'll see you later, Chris.

104. Oh, cool cryptex. Can I have it?

105. Hey. No. No, you can't. Where did you get it?

106. How do you know what a cryptex is?

107. I know what things are.

108. Well, Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here.

109. No. I've tried every five-letter word

110. that has anything to do with our third date.

111. Have you tried...

112. That's a four-letter word.

113. Add an "S"? I really don't think it's that.

114. I wish I could help you, bro. I don't know if I can.

115. You're like the second smartest guy I know.

116. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.

117. Okay. So the clue is inside,

118. but it takes the five-letter code to open it. Andy...

119. Did you try...

120. Yes. Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

121. Just smart people. I think I might be able to help you.

122. Told you.

123. Let me see it. Yeah, you're going to see it.

124. I'll show you. I can unroll it.

125. "The murals with this heart you see.

126. "Look to the first, and there your next clue will be."

127. The first letter of the name of each mural with a heart on it

128. will spell out the clue.

129. Or something. Let's check out the murals.

130. Happy Valentine's Day, Pawnee.

131. For me, it is not happy.

132. But don't let my sadness diminish your night.

133. Anyway, life is fleeting.

134. Leslie, I found a date for Ann.

135. Jerry, well done. I put an ad on Craigslist.

136. "Man seeking man for a night of casual fun."

137. Enrico, he responded right away.

138. I'll meet you inside. Okay. Okay.

139. Thanks, dude.

140. You hired a male escort.

141. A what? Please get your gigolo out of here.

142. Oh, my God.

143. Okay. So we've got all the ones from this side with the heart sticker.

144. All right. The ones from the other hallway are "Cornfield Slaughter,"

145. "Lament of the Buffalo,"

146. "Needless Slaughter,"

147. "Slaughter Gone Wrong,"

148. "Eating the Reverend,"

149. "It's Raining Blood" and "Death Everywhere."

150. Great. I got it from here.

151. Thanks, guys. I hope I didn't screw up your Valentine's Day too much.

152. No. Oh, God, no. April hates Valentine's Day.

153. And brunch and outside and smiling.

154. She's weird.

155. I figured it out.

156. The letters unscrambled say, "No food finer. Clue three at J.J.'s Diner."

157. How many clues are there, exactly?

158. Hey, you're here. And I brought a bachelor.

159. Are you kidding me? No.

160. You brought Orin? Ann is not some weird morose mummy.

161. Offense intended, Orin.

162. Let this be a wake-up call

163. about the way you present yourself to the world.

164. I think Ann and him would be cute together.

165. I asked you to do one thing.

166. Do you know how hard I've been working

167. to try to pull this together before Ann gets here?

168. Hey. Hey, you're here.

169. We weren't talking about you. How are you?

170. Well, it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couples dance.

171. I can't imagine a more depressing place to be.

172. What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom

173. and you're the only one there without a date,

174. so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself?

175. Oh, my God! Did that happen to you?

176. Maybe. Let's get a drink.

177. And then, you and I are going to have some F-U-N.

178. Well, at least the music seems about right.

179. There were supposed to be, like, 20 guys here for Ann,

180. and there's only four.

181. Who else do we have? Ben, taken. Jerry, taken.

182. Oh!

183. My dentist is 80, and he's gay and he's taken.

184. What's this? "P Hut."

185. Pizza Hut. Hold on.

186. Hi. How cute are you?

187. Ann, this is my lawyer friend, Alex.

188. Hi. Hi.

189. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

190. I've heard a lot about you in the last hour.

191. Yeah. Well, Alex gives my campaign legal advice,

192. and Ann is the greatest human being ever invented.

193. So I'm going to... What? Someone needs me. I'm going to go.

194. And you two just hit it off now.

195. You crazy kids.

196. Okay.

197. Okay. "There is no food finer."

198. For Leslie, that means whipped cream or...

199. No, it's whipped cream.

200. Everyone, look in the whipped cream cans.

201. Oh, got some.

202. Nothing yet.

203. Okay. "Something wicked this way comes, whence you peruse a book with your thumbs.

204. "Go to the one who succumbs. I'll be attached with a little gum."

205. Come on, Leslie. Give me a break.

206. I hate riddles and other such nonsense. I want that on the record.

207. But something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library.

208. Which means I'm the one that succumbs.

209. "I'll be attached with a little gum."

210. Good God. That woman is good.

211. "Follow me to the sheltered snow. Only 22 clues left to go."

212. 22?

213. Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.

214. Well, I guess there's nothing to do but spend the entire night

215. methodically solving this puzzle.

216. There's no way we'll finish in time.

217. Okay. I'll just make a list of places she and I have been together

218. and hope we luck out and find the last clue.

219. We'll split up, cover more ground. Move.

220. Hey, Chris-Cross. Can we change up the music?

221. It kind of sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.

222. It is.

223. Listen, man. There's some attractive women here.

224. Why don't you rebound?

225. Nobody here compares to Millicent.

226. Except maybe Jerry.

227. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA.

228. Stop staring at Jerry like that.

229. I don't know. It's working now.

230. Hey. How's it going? It's Valentine's Day.

231. And I'm working the late shift at the snow globe museum,

232. so I'm right where I want to be.

233. Okay. My girlfriend left a clue here, I think, like, for a scavenger hunt?

234. Right, you're Ben. Yes.

235. She said you'd be here by noon.

236. You're not doing so good. All right. Well, thanks, Kevin.

237. I'm supposed to tell you that it's under one of the snow globes.

238. But which one? Oh, I don't know.

239. Nope. Nope.

240. You really suck at this.

241. Okay. Why don't you just tell me where it is, and I can get out of here?

242. That would take all the fun out of it.

243. Winner.

244. I found it. Yep.

245. Oh, wait. No, that might be from another scavenger hunt.

246. Ann. Looks like you've already met Jeff.

247. Well, you didn't tell me that your friend was so beautiful.

248. Oh! Thanks, Jeff.

249. Not as beautiful as my sister, but you know the law.

250. No. No, Jeff. What?

251. How am I supposed to find the love of Ann's life

252. when it sounds like a funeral in here?

253. There's no changing it as long as Chris is depressed.

254. All right. I'm going to go talk to Chris. You go help Ann.

255. She's not responding to my top candidates.

256. So we're going to have to go with some wildcards.

257. Got it. And, April. Thanks for nothing.

258. Why should I do anything to help her?

259. Because despite the fact that all you do is give her a hard time,

260. she would do this for you.

261. Just go hide under the table with your friend Orin.

262. Yeah, I see you, weirdo.

263. So Leslie dragged you into this sneaky little fix-up scheme, huh?

264. We're stuck at a Parks and Rec community couples event. What else you got to do?

265. What the hell. You're right. Bring them on, Tom.

266. I'm Harris. I heard you were desperate for a man piece.

267. We in business?

268. He's 33 years old, still lives with his parents,

269. and he's been to at least 200 Phish concerts.

270. Try 308.

271. I'm going to have to pass right now.

272. Your mistake, mama.

273. So, Bill, this stunning woman saves lives for a living.

274. What do you bring to the table?

275. Where to begin? I'm an amateur juggler.

276. Nope, you shouldn't have begun there. Get out.

277. No one's trying to get with jugglers. Thanks for playing.

278. Hello. My name is Ron Swanson.

279. I believe Leslie Knope may have left some kind of scavenger hunt clue here.

280. She did. One second.

281. Gentlemen.

282. Enjoy your evening.

283. Well, they always say break glass in case of an emergency.

284. Wait a second.

285. Well, there we go.

286. Hey, Chris. What do you think about changing the music?

287. Sure.

288. Hey, you know what? You should look on the bright side.

289. I'm sure that Millicent couldn't keep up with you on your runs.

290. So, now, you can go full speed again.

291. On the contrary, she was faster than I was.

292. I set many personal bests just trying to keep up with her.

293. Which is what I'm worried about.

294. What if she was my personal best?

295. No. Your best is still ahead of you.

296. I am 44 years old.

297. You don't look a day over 30.

298. Most people say 25.

299. Who says that? A lot of people.

300. You don't think that Millicent was my soul mate?

301. There are a lot of soul mates in the world.

302. I mean, look at Ann. You dated her, and she's a perfect human specimen.

303. And you tossed her out like day-old chowder.

304. But it's going to be okay.

305. Buck up. Thanks. I'll try.

306. Hey.

307. Hey. How is your evening unfolding in terms of your conversations with men?

308. I have met a lot of different guys tonight.

309. How lucky that that happened to you on Valentine's Day.

310. What's lucky is that I have a best friend

311. who'd spend her Valentine's Day trying to find me a date.

312. Thank you. I'm going to go home.

313. No. Stay.

314. I just... I'm going to go home and watch TV.

315. Okay. Can you just do me a favor and give me your car keys for a second?

316. There's something I need to look at on your car keys.

317. You're going to throw them on the roof again so I can't leave.

318. You know me too well. You're the best.

319. It sucks being alone on Valentine's Day.

320. So I'm going to take Ann out for a drink.

321. You know, try to cheer her up. And I can be late meeting Ben.

322. He's not going to be on time because those clues are hard.

323. They're really, really hard.

324. And I'm really worried that he's not going to be able to figure it out.

325. Ann, you tricky bastard.

326. Leslie? What are you doing?

327. Look at Ann. She's putting on makeup.

328. She's using the emergency mini curling iron that I gave her.

329. She has a date. You don't know that.

330. Why wouldn't she tell me who it is?

331. Because she doesn't want me to know.

332. Because it's someone she shouldn't be dating. Wait.

333. The music is better. Have you seen Chris?

334. I don't know. Maybe he's in the bathroom or something.

335. She's going to meet Chris.

336. Hey. So, I got nine, three and four.

337. I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19.

338. Whoa.

339. I got... I got lucky.

340. And I love riddles.

341. Yo. I found some clues. Also found this.

342. Weird stick. Might be a clue?

343. No.

344. Okay. Did you find the 25th clue?

345. No, I got number eight and number 22.

346. What do you want, April?

347. Leave Ann alone. This is none of your business.

348. After all the hoops that Ben and I had to jump through

349. because of the boss-employee thing, it is absolutely my business.

350. Chris needs to explain himself.

351. And Ann lied to me about this date.

352. I mean, so many injustices.

353. Ann would never do anything to piss you off, Leslie.

354. You guys are such close friends.

355. It's lame. Just have a nice night with Ben and forget about this.

356. Okay, fine.

357. I will let it go for now.

358. But I want you to know that I think there is some...

359. Okay, she hung up on me.

360. We failed. If I'd just had a little more time.

361. She's waiting for me somewhere in Pawnee and I'm not going to be there.

362. Wait. Leslie loves romance,

363. but she also loves being right.

364. Is there something you used to disagree on,

365. but you've since come around to her way of thinking?

366. Ron, you're a genius.

367. Li'l Sebastian. Yep.

368. At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special.

369. And now, you love him more than I do.

370. Yep. I miss him every day.

371. I really tried to make that hard. Yeah.

372. I'm very impressed with you. Some of them were kind of tough.

373. So, are you ready to go have our first ever Valentine's dinner?

374. Yes. But I have to tell you something.

375. Chris and Ann are on a secret date.

376. Which is crazy because he's her boss,

377. which is the exact situation we were in,

378. except we were put on trial for it.

379. And I know I'm not supposed to care. And I should just let it go

380. and we should just have a romantic dinner, but this is...

381. No, we have to go catch them in the act right now.

382. Really? Yeah.

383. Screw romantic dinners.

384. Let's go rub it in their face. God, I love you so much.

385. I cannot wait to see the look on Chris' remarkably youthful face

386. when we march in there and confront them.

387. Leslie.

388. What?

389. April.

390. Hey. April.

391. Tom and Ann are on a date.

392. I know. What do you mean you know?

393. How do you know?

394. Because I set them up.

395. I was watching Ann with Tom at the dance

396. and she seemed to be having a good time.

397. So I went over and talked to her.

398. What are you looking for in a date, anyway?

399. I don't know. What does anyone want?

400. Just a nice, funny guy who likes me and treats me well.

401. Tom's funny. And he'd treat you well.

402. Ha-ha.

403. I'm serious. You want a good date?

404. Why not ask out the only guy that's made you smile tonight?

405. He's ridiculous. All that dumb swagger?

406. It's an act.

407. He's sweet. You should just ask him out for a drink.

408. I'm 1,000% sure he'd say yes.

409. I bet you guys would have a good time.

410. Man. I need to, like, wrap my head around this.

411. Why? It makes sense to me.

412. This is a small loser town with loser people,

413. and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool.

414. You know what I'm hearing?

415. You tried to make Ann happy for Valentine's Day.

416. You're a very nice person. No.

417. Yes, you are. A very nice person. Bye.

418. Okay. I do not understand this. This really confuses me.

419. Well, you do love them both.

420. Yeah, but I love passionate speakers and Italian men.

421. Doesn't mean I love Mussolini.

422. You love Italian men?

423. Not as much as Irish.

424. Scottish? White. Whatever you are.

425. This is the weirdest Valentine's Day ever.

426. So, Ann. It's finally happening.

427. Dude, this is so close to falling apart.

428. Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

429. Can I be honest, though?

430. I'm a little freaked out.

431. Like, I don't really understand what's going on.

432. This is what's going on.

433. We're going to have a drink, and we're going to talk,

434. get to know each other.

435. And then, I am going to drive home alone.

436. Cool. Consider this alternate plan.

437. We grab drinks here, get to know each other, whatever.

438. Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies.

439. Yeah, this was a mistake.

440. No!

441. Leslie, thanks to your annoying prying last year,

442. I'm sure you remember my birthday's coming up.

443. I know, I know. No parties. You hate parties.

444. Correct.

445. Oh.

446. You know that wild goose chase you sent Ben on for Valentine's Day?

447. The scavenger hunt?

448. I also do not want that. Yup. I understand.

449. I absolutely do not want

450. to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last.

451. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. I got it, Ron.

452. Good.

453. I do want that. Please do that for me.