Parks and Recreation 4x1

1. Excuse me.

2. Are you Leslie Knope? Yes.

3. We are part of a group that tries to identify

4. potential candidates for political office here in town.

5. Are you theoretically interested in running for office?

6. Absotootly, I am.

7. Very sorry that I just used that word.

8. Before we go any further,

9. I need you to tell me,

10. is there a scandal out there?

11. Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life?

12. Nope.

13. Who were the suits?

14. They want me to run for office.

15. Oh, my God. Leslie. Yay!

16. I know, right? Yay!

17. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

18. Wait. What does that mean about you and Ben?

19. I don't know. I think it's going to be really bad.

20. Uh-oh! Do you want to go back to saying "yay"?

21. Yes, please. Yay! Yay!

22. Knope, follow me. Just one second.

23. Now. Ron. Hey!

24. Whoa! Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

25. Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron. What's going on?

26. My ex-wife, Tammy, is back.

27. Yeah. I saw her in the courtyard.

28. No, my other ex-wife, Tammy. Tammy One.

29. I have accrued 228 personal days.

30. Starting right now, I'm using all of them.

31. While I'm gone, you're in charge.

32. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk.

33. Remove it or it will begin to smell.

34. Godspeed.

35. Hey, Ron. Move.

36. Oh, jeez.

37. Warning. High levels of swagger coming through.

38. Tommy Haverford back at the Parks Department.

39. Entertainment 720 hockey jersey, anybody?

40. Branded mouse pad?

41. Entertainment 720 is just a little

42. multinational entertainment company

43. that I started with my boy Jean-Ralphio.

44. What exactly do we do?

45. Let's just say, it's too hard to explain.

46. Donna, you look amazing.

47. How are the kids? I don't have kids.

48. Wow. How long has it been? Three weeks.

49. So, did you get a chance to look at my sample position papers?

50. How do you feel about my stance on Egyptian debt relief?

51. It probably won't come up in a local city council election.

52. But your thoroughness, as always, is impressive.

53. Thank you.

54. Now, we have three months until you announce your campaign.

55. I think we should start talking strategy.

56. My strategy is to win.

57. I have been dreaming

58. about running for public office my whole life.

59. While other girls were playing with Barbies,

60. I was playing with a Geraldine Ferraro action figure,

61. that I made myself from a picture of her

62. that I glued onto a Popsicle stick.

63. See you next week? Okay. I'm looking forward to it.

64. Hey. What? Who was that?

65. Um...

66. Ladies. Just ladies.

67. Meeting for the ladies' yacht club.

68. Anchors away, ladies. What?

69. Just don't...

70. Ladies' yacht club?

71. I cannot believe you haven't told him yet.

72. After I tell him I'm running for office,

73. we're going to have to break up.

74. Why can't you just keep sneaking around?

75. Oh, Ann. You beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby.

76. What? Before, if people found out,

77. we would maybe lose our jobs.

78. Now, if people find out, it's going to be a major scandal.

79. My campaign will be over before it begins.

80. What are you going to do?

81. I have a plan, and it's really good.

82. I'm going to postpone telling him

83. until you figure out what I'm supposed to do.

84. So, get cracking.

85. How is this on me?

86. Oh, fine. I'll do it. God, who keeps emailing me?

87. A penis. What?

88. Oh, my God.

89. Oh.

90. It's emailing me, too.

91. Whoever this is sent it to every woman

92. in the entire government.

93. Oh, my God.

94. He's got to be so embarrassed.

95. I mean, that's a crazy accident.

96. No, Andy, he did it on purpose.

97. You know what? Respect. That's a batter move.

98. Pun intended. Excuse me.

99. Chris, Jerry's making us look at dirty pictures on his computer.

100. It is exactly because of that lewd photo that I am here.

101. Ben and I are launching a full investigation.

102. I want to apologize to all the women and Jerry.

103. If I could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out,

104. I would.

105. Wow, that is so sweet.

106. Thank you.

107. We are getting a lot of media requests about this.

108. So, Leslie, can you do Perd Hapley?

109. Oh! She can do Perd Hapley.

110. Seriously. Can you do his TV show?

111. Oh, yeah.

112. Andrew, my mandrew, what you up to?

113. I'm about to do an experiment where I huck this at the wall

114. and see what happens.

115. But that can wait. Shoe shine?

116. Andy, I'm going to be honest. I came here today to talk to you.

117. Now, look. You're enthusiastic. You're hard-working.

118. You can lift heavy things.

119. I think there might be a place for you over at Entertainment 720.

120. Oh, my God. What is that?

121. My company.

122. Oh, I don't know, Tom. I'm just now

123. getting really good at shoe shining.

124. And, I'm still pretty bad at it.

125. Let me ask you this. Are you living your dreams?

126. I don't know, Tom.

127. I'm living mine,

128. and if you want to live yours,

129. here's my card.

130. It's impossible to read.

131. Black print, black background.

132. It's the coolest possible color scheme. Yeah.

133. It's also a strong magnet, so keep it out of your wallet.

134. It will destroy your credit cards. Guaranteed.

135. Destroy my credit cards.

136. Debt and everything?

137. Mr. Mayor,

138. I promise you that we will find the owner of that wiener,

139. and we will punish him. Goodbye.

140. Ann Perkins. Hey.

141. I didn't know who to come to with this, but that picture...

142. There's something very disturbing about the testicles.

143. I've always felt the same way myself.

144. The testicles are like the ears of the genital system.

145. They serve a very important function,

146. but they're not that great to look at.

147. Okay. Wow! No, I was speaking medically.

148. They're enlarged.

149. I think that maybe that guy is sick with something.

150. Perhaps a hernia or mumps.

151. Ann Perkins. You really know your testes.

152. Thank you?

153. For a female perspective on this scandal, we turn to a woman.

154. Leslie Knope, I'm about to ask you

155. a question right now and that question is this.

156. The lewd photo. Just how big a deal is it?

157. Well, frankly, Perd, it's not that big a deal,

158. if you know what I mean.

159. I don't know what you mean, but it had the cadence of a joke.

160. When men in government behave this way,

161. they betray the public's trust.

162. Maybe it's time for more women to be in charge.

163. There you have it, where "it" is the thing

164. Leslie Knope just said about this situation.

165. Perd Hap...

166. How was that? Was that okay?

167. Amazing. That sound bite is gold.

168. You're going to get great feedback on this,

169. and we think we can capitalize.

170. You're going to announce your candidacy on Friday.

171. Friday. In three months.

172. No, this Friday. Is that okay?

173. No. Yeah. Yes, it is. Great. Okay.

174. We'll do that, then, now. Soon.

175. And I just have something I've been postponing for a while that I need to do,

176. but I'll do it now.

177. Great. Great.

178. Yay!

179. I know it.

180. Ben.

181. Ben, I need to talk to you.

182. That was my brother. He just had a baby girl.

183. Oh, my God. That's horrible. Or good.

184. Full disclosure, I didn't listen to what you just said.

185. I need to talk to you about something.

186. Okay, well, before you say anything,

187. let me just show you what I got at Doug's Donuts.

188. It's an L-shaped éclair.

189. The "L" is for Leslie, for your name.

190. Hey. How are you?

191. Bad. Really bad.

192. Oh, God. How did the breakup go?

193. Well, I started crying because he gave me an éclair.

194. And then we made out and spent the night together.

195. But this morning, in the cold light of day,

196. I cooked breakfast and we made out some more.

197. Wow! You opposite of broke up with him.

198. He gave me an éclair, Ann.

199. Joe, I've determined that the lewd picture was sent by you,

200. because you sent it from your personal email address,

201. stinkmaster69@alumni. sarahlawrencecollege. ed...

202. Really? Sarah Lawrence?

203. Yeah. I wanted a small college experience.

204. You also bragged about it to many of your co-workers.

205. There's an old sewage department saying,

206. "If you've got a nice drain pipe, there's no reason to hide it."

207. I doubt that's a saying.

208. We are terminating you, effective immediately.

209. Is this because you're jealous? No.

210. It's because you broke the law.

211. The law of having an amazing package.

212. Before we have him forcibly removed, you should know this.

213. That one of our female employees,

214. a nurse, examined the photo you sent her.

215. I bet she did.

216. And you have the mumps. You might want to get that checked.

217. Sweet. Someone's got mumps on his lumps.

218. Up high. Anyone?

219. Ron isn't here.

220. His ex-wife, Tammy, came, and he got scared and ran away.

221. Well, as acting manager of the Parks Department,

222. I declare that everything you are saying is stupid.

223. Hah!

224. I love you.

225. Hey, so, Tom offered me a job again.

226. As my manager, what do you think I should do?

227. What do you want to do?

228. I think it'd be kind of cool to work for Tom.

229. So, take it. But,

230. working at a start-up can be kind of risky.

231. So, don't take it.

232. But Tom told me to follow my dreams.

233. So, take it.

234. But this isn't my dream.

235. So, don't take it.

236. I don't know what to do. Me, neither.

237. You give such good advice. Babe, I love you.

238. You're welcome.

239. Ann Perkins. Hey.

240. Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy

241. with mumps based on his porn photo?

242. I did. I was so proud of you.

243. Okay. Because now I have everyone

244. in City Hall sending me pictures of their junk,

245. asking me if they have mumps.

246. Oh, my God.

247. Your inbox is literally filled with penises. Mmm-hmm.

248. I am so sorry.

249. Oh, look. Ed Miller from Payroll.

250. Before I do this, is there any possible way

251. that we could still keep dating?

252. We've attacked this from all angles.

253. Either you don't run for office...

254. Which is out of the question.

255. or you break up with him and avoid a potential scandal.

256. Do you need to get that? No, it's just penises.

257. Leslie, I don't want you to break up with him either.

258. There's just no other way. Yeah.

259. Just be direct and honest.

260. Okay. Okay? Mmm.

261. It's the entire Sanitation Department, from Muncie. Ugh!

262. Would you like any wine to start?

263. Yes. And I'm going to be direct and honest with you.

264. I would like a glass of red wine,

265. and I'll take the cheapest one you have

266. because I can't tell the difference.

267. I'll have the same. Great.

268. Okay.

269. Here's the deal. Okay.

270. I really, really like you.

271. I like you, too. And I think I know what you're going to say.

272. I highly doubt that.

273. I think I do.

274. Oh, I don't.

275. And I got you something.

276. No. What is this?

277. Is this jewelry? It's not. Just open it.

278. No. Great.

279. I need to go to another place.

280. I'm going to go to the bathroom. The whiz palace,

281. as we like to call it here.

282. And I'm going to be back, and I'm not going to split.

283. I'm here for you. Because we need to talk about stuff.

284. Okay? All right.

285. What...

286. No.

287. Ron.

288. What are you doing here?

289. Running away from my problems.

290. Come on in.

291. Okay. So, here's what's going on. I didn't ask.

292. On Friday, I'm supposed to announce

293. that I'm running for City Council.

294. And I haven't told Ben yet.

295. I know I said that we broke up, but we couldn't.

296. We're still dating. But now, I have to break up with him for real.

297. But I don't want to break up with him

298. because he's so cute and he's so nice...

299. If you're going to stay here, there are three rules you need to follow.

300. One, no talk about Tammy One.

301. Two, no talk about Ben.

302. Three, no talk.

303. I didn't even ask you last night.

304. What is going on with Tammy One?

305. You just violated rules number one and three.

306. You lose your coffee privileges. Oh.

307. You choose, Knope. Hunting, fishing or drinking?

308. I'd really love to shoot a gun right now.

309. Fishing it is.

310. And so, effective immediately,

311. all male employees must stop sending explicit photos to Ms. Perkins.

312. If I may, what if based on empirical evidence,

313. I truly believe there is a grave and immediate medical emergency?

314. Were that the case, could I then show you my dong?

315. No.

316. That would be harassment. Fair enough.

317. Now, completely different scenario.

318. Let's say, I've been watching

319. a lot of women's golf and I've had some wine.

320. How about this?

321. I'm going to get a male doctor to come in and do some screenings.

322. Perfect. Just as a backup, I'm sending you some photos.

323. That will not be necessary. That's me.

324. Brand new day, brand new merch.

325. I got you guys some awesome Entertainment 720 stuff.

326. Donna, this is for you.

327. Entertainment 720 umbrella.

328. Entertainment 720 flyswatters.

329. Rubik's Cube with my face on it.

330. Breath mints.

331. Fireplace bellows.

332. And drum roll, please.

333. Drum roll sound effect key chain.

334. Shouldn't you be working at your new company, Tom?

335. I am working, April. I'm making high-level network contacts.

336. You think Bethenny Frankel sits behind a desk all day?

337. She makes $100 million a year. How much do you make a year?

338. $101 million.

339. I, for one, am happy to see Tom.

340. Thanks, Jerry. Here. Have an umbrella and some breath strips.

341. Whoa!

342. All right, enough chit-chat, everyone.

343. Please get back to work. You're not our boss.

344. What did you just say to me?

345. Ma'am.

346. So, did you get a chance to think about my offer?

347. Yeah. I've been thinking a lot about what you said.

348. I want to do my dreams, but I just don't think my dream is working

349. for a company that puts logos on stuff.

350. That's not what my company does. Although, maybe we'll start.

351. Hey. What you think?

352. Donna, that looks great.

353. I could do without this one.

354. So, running for office.

355. Now, I'm going to have to find a replacement for you.

356. Hah! I might not win.

357. You'll win. I might not run.

358. You should.

359. What's our plan here, Knope?

360. I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores.

361. I don't have the material for s'mores.

362. I do. I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car.

363. Given your hunting abilities and my chocolate supply,

364. I figure we could stay up here for two, three years?

365. You know, when I was 12,

366. my brother shot me in the pinky toe with a nail gun.

367. Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and we all had a good laugh.

368. That's awful.

369. But I avoided going to the doctor.

370. I hate paperwork.

371. After a few weeks, the toe just kind of fell off.

372. You only have nine toes?

373. I have the toes I have.

374. Let's just leave it at that.

375. The point is, the doctor said if I had come in right away,

376. they might have saved the toe.

377. You can't run away from your problems.

378. Especially if you only have nine toes.

379. Sorry. That was uncalled for.

380. I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie... Knope.

381. You with me?

382. What is your dream?

383. It's to be the biggest rock star on the planet, obviously.

384. But that could take another three to five years. Don't get me wrong.

385. Shoe shining has been a pretty wild ride,

386. but is it possible there's something more out there for me?

387. Andy, there's tons of stuff you can do.

388. I'll help you figure it out.

389. Really?

390. Yes. One year from now, you, Andy Dwyer,

391. will no longer be a shoe-shinist.

392. Kyle, beat it. I'm going to make out with my wife now.

393. But you've only done half of one of my shoes.

394. Here.

395. Now, I haven't done anything. Scram, kid.

396. Hello.

397. Hey, Ron. Welcome.. . Stop.

398. First order of business.

399. I promised Leslie I'd hire her a new assistant,

400. so the department doesn't completely shut down

401. while she runs for office.

402. You're running for office?

403. Yeah. City Council.

404. Leslie, that is great. Thank you.

405. Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes?

406. I think that's premature.

407. No pledge, no vote.

408. The point is, she needs an assistant.

409. Start asking around. Hire Andy.

410. Andy can do it.

411. Sure. Yeah.

412. Done. Andy, you are now Leslie's assistant.

413. Honey.

414. Oh.

415. Leslie, I'm going to work my ass off for you. I'll do anything you ask me.

416. I will prove myself. You don't even have to pay me.

417. No. Honey. No. I will...

418. Tomorrow, there will be a 300-page orientation booklet,

419. as well as a dozen homemade cookies in the shape of your face.

420. But today...

421. There is something else I have to do.

422. If any of you need anything at all, too bad.

423. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

424. I'll be in my office, waiting for Tammy One.

425. You want me to find her?

426. There's no need. She'll find me.

427. She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.

428. Okay. So, now, you're sure that everything is okay, down there.

429. You're perfectly healthy.

430. That man has the largest penis I have ever seen.

431. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look.

432. I was distracted, by the largest penis I have ever seen.

433. I know I've been acting really weird lately.

434. And, I really like you.

435. What I'm about to say is going to contradict

436. the idea that I really like you,

437. but that won't change.. . I know. So, just open the box.

438. Please stop bringing out the box.

439. Okay? Leslie...

440. You're being really nice. And what I'm about to say

441. is going to make you hate me.

442. Okay. Then, I'll just open the box for you.

443. Wow.

444. You knew?

445. I figured it out a while ago.

446. I'm sorry. I should have told you I knew, but I just...

447. I wanted this to last as long as possible.

448. We have to break up.

449. Why?

450. Why do we have to break up?

451. Leslie, everything you've accomplished,

452. You have earned and you have worked for.

453. I don't want anyone to think that you got where you are today

454. by sleeping with your boss.

455. But I really like sleeping with my boss.

456. Yeah. Yeah.

457. Okay, look. I'm going to make this really easy for you.

458. It's not you, it's me.

459. I'm not ready for a commitment.

460. I just don't like you anymore.

461. I know it's hard to hear that, but.. .

462. You're boring. And, frankly, you disgust me.

463. Ugh!

464. How did you figure it out?

465. Leslie, there was a dude in the ladies' yacht club.

466. Yeah, but I covered that pretty well.

467. Also, you've been making campaign speeches in your sleep.

468. Granted, you always do that, but they got really specific and moving.

469. Did I have a good opening line?

470. It was simple, but I liked it.

471. Friends, honored guests, Pawneeans.

472. I am Leslie Knope, and I am running for City Council.

473. Hello, Tammy.

474. Ronald.

475. That's enough small talk. What do you want?

476. You remember what I do for a living, I trust.

477. Yes. You ruin people's lives.

478. You're being audited, Ronald.

479. I don't care.

480. Then why is your mustache trembling?

481. I'm here as a friend.

482. Call it nostalgia.

483. Or, perhaps, guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep.

484. I don't need your help.

485. Wrong. You do.

486. As you're so fond of saying, it's a free country.

487. Good luck.

488. I hope you don't go to jail.

489. Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors.

490. Thank you.

491. Honey, your breasts look amazing.