1. Ron? Jack Cooper,
from the Controller's Office.Copy !req
2. Got a second?Copy !req
3. Sure, what can I do you for?Copy !req
4. Frankly, this is a
little awkward.Copy !req
5. We've received this letter
from a collection agencyCopy !req
6. about an outstanding debt
from the Pawnee Public Library.Copy !req
7. It appears you have
an overdue book.Copy !req
8. Oh, do I?Copy !req
9. It's Not the Size of the Boat:
Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis.Copy !req
10. Tammy.Copy !req
11. My ex-wife Tammy likes
to check in every so oftenCopy !req
12. and make sure I'm doing okay.Copy !req
13. And if I am, she tries to
everything up.Copy !req
14. Okay, I pre-dialed 911,
so all you have to do is press send.Copy !req
15. You're worrying
over nothing.Copy !req
16. If she binds your hands and
you can't reach your phone,Copy !req
17. just try to chew
yourself free.Copy !req
18. Whale tail. Whale tail.Copy !req
19. She's flashing a
whale tail. Abort. Abort.Copy !req
20. Hello, Tammy.Copy !req
21. Oh!Copy !req
22. Hello, Ron. I didn't
see you come in.Copy !req
23. I was just checking
myself for scoliosis.Copy !req
24. And?
Straight as an arrow.Copy !req
25. Just like somebody
else I know.Copy !req
26. Jerky?Copy !req
27. Call off the dogs.Copy !req
28. You and I both know
that in my entire adult life,Copy !req
29. I have never checked
a book out of the library.Copy !req
30. Oh, my God,
she's amazing.Copy !req
31. Ooh!Copy !req
32. Mmm.Copy !req
33. I admit there was a time
when that sort of behaviorCopy !req
34. would've driven me wild.Copy !req
35. But I am in a healthy
relationship now, Tammy.Copy !req
36. A relationship? With whom?Copy !req
37. A lovely, intelligent,
self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.Copy !req
38. Sounds like a real whore.Copy !req
39. Clear the late charges
and cut the crap.Copy !req
40. Good day.Copy !req
41. Good day, Leslie.Copy !req
42. Good... Good day.Copy !req
43. Okay, so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas,
so let's talk toppings.Copy !req
44. Sausage, onion, and peppers.Copy !req
45. Scientifically proven to
be the best toppings.Copy !req
46. Nice.Copy !req
47. Should we throw in some salads
for a healthy option?Copy !req
48. Wow, don't be
such a Jerry, Ben.Copy !req
49. Yeah, Ben, these guys
are cops, not ballerinas.Copy !req
50. So we are throwing a
little shindigCopy !req
51. for the police department
because we're asking themCopy !req
52. to volunteer as security
during the Harvest Festival.Copy !req
53. I don't know what it is
about big outdoor gatheringsCopy !req
54. that makes everyone want to
urinate all over everything,Copy !req
55. but it does.Copy !req
56. And they do.Copy !req
57. Okay, how about
some calzones?Copy !req
58. Calzones are like pizzas
but they're harder to eat.Copy !req
59. They're dumb, and
so was that idea.Copy !req
60. Seriously? This is
embarrassing for you.Copy !req
61. Sorry to interrupt.
Ron, are you ready?Copy !req
62. Absolutely, my dear.Copy !req
63. I am off to have a mid-morning
pre-lunch with my lady friend,Copy !req
64. but I will be back in
time for lunch.Copy !req
65. All right.Copy !req
66. Ron's girlfriend's pretty.Copy !req
67. Tom's ex-wife.Copy !req
68. Oh.Copy !req
69. I don't want to see them together.
It's like they're rubbing it in my face.Copy !req
70. All I can think about is Captain
Mustache plowing my ex-wife.Copy !req
71. And you imagine he's wearing
a cape while he's plowing her?Copy !req
72. What?Copy !req
73. No, just, Captain Mustache?Copy !req
74. I mean, if all you can
think of is Ron, you know...Copy !req
75. Maybe put him in some tights and a cape,
and then it would be funny.Copy !req
76. Now I'm imagining a cape.Copy !req
77. April?Copy !req
78. Did you call me?Copy !req
79. I did call you.
Good ears.Copy !req
80. Chris's assistant went
back to Indianapolis,Copy !req
81. so he's borrowing
me for a few days.Copy !req
82. Yay!Copy !req
83. I'd like you to get me some more
Post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors.Copy !req
84. I'd like green.
I'd like yellow.Copy !req
85. Do not buy orange.Copy !req
86. I do not want orange.
I have plenty of orange.Copy !req
87. Got it.Copy !req
88. You want five million
orange Post-its.Copy !req
89. That's hilarious.Copy !req
90. Oh, wait! I have a
Post-it for you.Copy !req
91. It says, "Great job!"Copy !req
92. Mmm...Copy !req
93. Great job.
Mmm..Copy !req
94. There you go.Copy !req
95. They're getting really old,
and I'm an only child.Copy !req
96. I just feel like the right thing
to do is to move back home.Copy !req
97. I'm sorry to see you go.Copy !req
98. I've really come to
think of you asCopy !req
99. a companion.Copy !req
100. Hey,
I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?Copy !req
101. Canada.Copy !req
102. No, I don't suppose
I would.Copy !req
103. Hey, I hate to nag,Copy !req
104. but shouldn't we
be talking strategy,Copy !req
105. like, when to ask the chief
for this huge critical favor?Copy !req
106. Yes. I know exactly
when we should do it.Copy !req
107. Post-pizza, pre-ice cream,
between his third and fourth beer.Copy !req
108. He'll be full but not stuffed,
tipsy but not drunk.Copy !req
109. Should be around 9:00.Copy !req
110. Okay, so you've
thought this through.Copy !req
111. Just sit tight.
I'll get you a beer.Copy !req
112. Can I have
two beers, please?Copy !req
113. Hey, you okay?Copy !req
114. Wendy and I are over.Copy !req
115. She's moving
back to Canada.Copy !req
116. It's too bad.Copy !req
117. I just taught her
how to whittle.Copy !req
118. She made me this tiny
sharpened stick.Copy !req
119. Look,
I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriendsCopy !req
120. when they get dumped.Copy !req
121. Men are dogs.Copy !req
122. Thank you, Leslie.Copy !req
123. That does not apply to
this situation at all.Copy !req
124. But thank you.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
125. This is a disaster.Copy !req
126. You're not into football?Copy !req
127. I knew there was something
wrong with you.Copy !req
128. I knew it. I knew it,
knew it, knew it.Copy !req
129. Honestly, I haven't felt
this good in years.Copy !req
130. And it's not just because of the
supplements he has me takingCopy !req
131. and the soluble fiber and
the increase in regularity.Copy !req
132. It's him.Copy !req
133. He's moving back to Indianapolis
in a couple of weeks, which sucks.Copy !req
134. But if he asked me
to move with him,Copy !req
135. I think I would.Copy !req
136. I would like
a local beer.Copy !req
137. I'd like it
in a bottle.Copy !req
138. I'd like the bottle
to be cold.Copy !req
139. I would like a glass
of white wine.Copy !req
140. I would like it to
be chardonnay.Copy !req
141. And I would like that
with one ice cube.Copy !req
142. Thanks.Copy !req
143. Chief Trumple?
Hey, Knope.Copy !req
144. You know Ben Wyatt
from the State Budget Office.Copy !req
145. Hello.
Yeah, how's it going?Copy !req
146. Thanks for the party.
Good pizza.Copy !req
147. Great. So, yeah,
the pizza's dynamite, isn't it?Copy !req
148. I just said
it was good pizza.Copy !req
149. It's good. Pizza's good.Copy !req
150. You...Copy !req
151. You know what
I like? Calzones.Copy !req
152. What the hell is
wrong with this guy?Copy !req
153. Sorry. We'll check in
with you later.Copy !req
154. Take it easy.
Yeah, will do.Copy !req
155. What is wrong with you? I was
getting somewhere with that.Copy !req
156. Yeah, great small talk over there. Okay,
let me handle this.Copy !req
157. I get a little nervous
with cops. I'm in control.Copy !req
158. What's up?Copy !req
159. Tom Haverford's in
the building.Copy !req
160. Whoo!Copy !req
161. Tom, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
162. Same thing you're doing,
celebrating Pawnee's finest.Copy !req
163. I believe you know
my date, Tammy Swanson.Copy !req
164. Hi-ya, Ron.Copy !req
165. Oh. Hi-ya, Ron.
Hey, Ron.Copy !req
166. I'm sorry.Copy !req
167. Is seeing your ex-wife on my
arm making you uncomfortable?Copy !req
168. Gee, I can't imagine
why. Or can I?Copy !req
169. I like this song.
Do you wanna dance, Tammy?Copy !req
170. Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
171. Oh. Ah.Copy !req
172. I know Tammy seems scary.Copy !req
173. But really, she's just
a manipulative, psychotic,Copy !req
174. library-book-peddling,
sex-crazed she-demon.Copy !req
175. Yeah.Copy !req
176. I think that's
enough. Tammy.Copy !req
177. Hi, Ron.Copy !req
178. I was just tasting my new boyfriend,
Glenn. Tom.Copy !req
179. You don't know what
you're mixed up in, son.Copy !req
180. This isn't about you.
It's about me.Copy !req
181. Typical Ron Swanson.
Always thinking about yourself.Copy !req
182. Maybe we like each other.
Yeah, maybe we do.Copy !req
183. Okay. Let's
take it easy.Copy !req
184. Tammy, leave him
out of this.Copy !req
185. So it's okay for you to have a girlfriend,
but I'm not supposed to see anybody?Copy !req
186. Damn it, woman!Copy !req
187. Just crawl back into the
dank hole you came fromCopy !req
188. and leave my friends alone.Copy !req
189. Okay, okay. Let's settle down.
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
190. What seems to be the
problem? Is there a problem here?Copy !req
191. Basically what we had here was
a dispute of a domestic nature.Copy !req
192. White male, 40, 45.Copy !req
193. Caucasian male.
Stocky build.Copy !req
194. Approximately 5'10".Copy !req
195. Verbal altercation transpired
at approximately 8:55 P.M.Copy !req
196. with a female unsub.Copy !req
197. Appears to be
slightly intoxicated.Copy !req
198. Claims to be an ex-spouse.Copy !req
199. Real piece of work.Copy !req
200. Real piece of work.
Real piece of work.Copy !req
201. Real piece of work.Copy !req
202. I know why you're doing this,
and you're making a huge mistake.Copy !req
203. Fight fire with fire, Leslie.
He dates my ex, I date his.Copy !req
204. Ron and Wendy aren't even dating
anymore. She's moving back to Canada.Copy !req
205. What?
Oh, God.Copy !req
206. Okay, hey. What's
happening here?Copy !req
207. Ron and I are going to get a
cup of coffee and talk things out.Copy !req
208. It's time for Tammy and me to
bury the hatchet once and for all.Copy !req
209. Everything will be fine.Copy !req
210. It's been like this
for hours.Copy !req
211. Right there. Right
there. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
212. Hey, Swanson!Copy !req
213. Snap out of it!Copy !req
214. Leslie.Copy !req
215. Congratulate us.Copy !req
216. Ron's got one just
like it on his penis.Copy !req
217. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
218. What the hell
happened to you?Copy !req
219. Well...Copy !req
220. Here you go.Copy !req
221. Rock and roll!
Yeah, baby!Copy !req
222. I got it!Copy !req
223. You may now
kiss the bride.Copy !req
224. It's been kind of
a crazy night.Copy !req
225. Come back,
come back.Copy !req
226. April, could you come
in here a second?Copy !req
227. April, way to come in.
Great initiative.Copy !req
228. You called me in.Copy !req
229. Listen, could you please
call Ann PerkinsCopy !req
230. and tell her that I will be unable
to enjoy lunch with her today,Copy !req
231. as I am just swamped.
All day.Copy !req
232. Copy that.Copy !req
233. Hi, Ann. This is April.Copy !req
234. I'm just calling to let you know
that Chris can't make lunch today.Copy !req
235. I knew you wouldn't care.
Good-bye.Copy !req
236. They started having sex at the
court house. We had no choice.Copy !req
237. Oh, well, I completely
understand.Copy !req
238. Chief, I need to ask
you a huge favor.Copy !req
239. Leslie.Copy !req
240. Ron is a good manCopy !req
241. who just got caught up
in something terrible.Copy !req
242. And I was hoping that
maybe you wouldCopy !req
243. reduce his charges and
release him into my custody.Copy !req
244. All right.Copy !req
245. But keep him away from
that crazy librarian.Copy !req
246. I'll do my best.Copy !req
247. In fact,
I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.Copy !req
248. That's good advice
for all of us.Copy !req
249. Nothing but trouble there.Copy !req
250. Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry.
Hey, stop.Copy !req
251. Take me back to Tammy.
For the millionth time, no.Copy !req
252. That was not the favor
we needed to ask for, Leslie.Copy !req
253. If we don't get the police
for the Harvest Festival,Copy !req
254. there is no Harvest Festival.Copy !req
255. I know. I'll figure
it out later.Copy !req
256. Can you turn the radio
off? This is our song.Copy !req
257. Your song is Dancing on
the Ceiling by Lionel Richie?Copy !req
258. Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved
off part of your mustache. That's lovely.Copy !req
259. I didn't shave it off.
It rubbed off.Copy !req
260. From friction.Copy !req
261. Ugh.Copy !req
262. Ugh.
Ugh.Copy !req
263. Ron Swanson, this
is an intervention.Copy !req
264. You have been spending the last 24 hours
sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy.Copy !req
265. Well, the people in this
room are your methadone.Copy !req
266. And we're here
to get you clean.Copy !req
267. Congratulations!Copy !req
268. Holy matrimony, there's
the man of the hour.Copy !req
269. Jerry, what is this?Copy !req
270. That is the set of tumblers
that I got from the registry.Copy !req
271. This is an intervention.Copy !req
272. I thought you said on the
phone it was a reception.Copy !req
273. Okay. All right,
let's begin.Copy !req
274. I would like to address
the goofy-looking,Copy !req
275. dirty-kimono-wearing,
corn-rowed clown in the room.Copy !req
276. If you see Ron Swanson,
can you give him this message?Copy !req
277. You used to be a man.Copy !req
278. You need to get your
house in order.Copy !req
279. Look, I love you
like a brother,Copy !req
280. but right now,
I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious,Copy !req
281. who I hate.Copy !req
282. Okay, Tom.Copy !req
283. Ron, you look great.Copy !req
284. Your skin is glowing.
I've never seen you so happy.Copy !req
285. Okay, sit down.Copy !req
286. Andy.Copy !req
287. Ron, I do not really understand
what is going on right now.Copy !req
288. But no matter what,Copy !req
289. you must keep going.Copy !req
290. No.Copy !req
291. You must stop.Copy !req
292. I love you, buddy.Copy !req
293. Follow your dreams.Copy !req
294. Powerful stuff.Copy !req
295. April? What are
you doing here?Copy !req
296. I work for your boyfriend.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
297. I came to see why Chris
stood me up for lunch,Copy !req
298. but I think I just
figured it out.Copy !req
299. Because he doesn't like you. No,
I'm pretty sure that's not it.Copy !req
300. Actually it's because I
didn't call you deliberately.Copy !req
301. Which, if you ask me,
is a fire-able offense.Copy !req
302. So I would tell him that.Copy !req
303. Also, he's not into
you sexually.Copy !req
304. Ann Perkins. April Ludgate. Literally
two of my favorite people on earth.Copy !req
305. I'm sorry that I had
to cancel lunch.Copy !req
306. Not at all. It's
not a problem.Copy !req
307. April here was very apologetic on
the phone. She also sent me flowers.Copy !req
308. April. Nice touch.Copy !req
309. Hello, Ron. It's Ron.Copy !req
310. If you're watching this,
it means that once againCopy !req
311. you have danced
with the devil.Copy !req
312. Right now, you're probably thinking,
"Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together."Copy !req
313. But you're only thinking that
because she's a monstrous parasiteCopy !req
314. who entered through your privates
and lodged herself in your brain.Copy !req
315. So you have two choices.Copy !req
316. One, get rid of Tammy,Copy !req
317. or two, lobotomy
and castration.Copy !req
318. Choose wisely.Copy !req
319. You stupid.Copy !req
320. This is a waste of time.Copy !req
321. You people have no idea
what you're talking about.Copy !req
322. That was you on the tape.
That was you talking.Copy !req
323. Ron? Ron!Copy !req
324. Ron. There you are.Copy !req
325. Ron. Stop it. God, please.Copy !req
326. Ron, don't do that.
Oh, it's done, Leslie.Copy !req
327. Tammy and I are in love,
and we're gonna start a family together.Copy !req
328. In fact, she's ovulating.Copy !req
329. So if you'll excuse us,
we're heading off on our honeymoon.Copy !req
330. Wow. Where are you going? Jerry.Copy !req
331. We're gonna spend 11 days
in my cabin in the woods.Copy !req
332. We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and
a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.Copy !req
333. Oh, God.
Give me it.Copy !req
334. Okay. Excuse me.Copy !req
335. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.Copy !req
336. Ann and I are headed outCopy !req
337. and I just wanted to thank you
for everything today,Copy !req
338. and I will see you tomorrow.Copy !req
339. Hi, Chris.Copy !req
340. Ron Swanson has sent me over
to deliver to you this document.Copy !req
341. "To whom it may concern,
dear Chris,Copy !req
342. "there is an emergency
regarding the Parks Department,Copy !req
343. "and April may just be
the only person who can help.Copy !req
344. "I can't get into details
because it's super-classified.Copy !req
345. "Please release April
back to us permanently.Copy !req
346. "God bless America.Copy !req
347. "Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."Copy !req
348. What?
Okay. Well, bye.Copy !req
349. April, listen.Copy !req
350. If you don't want to work for me,
I'm not gonna force you.Copy !req
351. You didn't have
to do this.Copy !req
352. She didn't do that.
That was...Copy !req
353. Dude, I think it sounds
like it was Macklin's call.Copy !req
354. Look, I get it.Copy !req
355. You're young,
and trying isn't cool.Copy !req
356. But I think
you're smart.Copy !req
357. I'm gonna be going back
to Indianapolis soon,Copy !req
358. and I think you should
come work for me.Copy !req
359. Wow, move all the
way to Indianapolis,Copy !req
360. so I can pick up your
vitamins and supplements.Copy !req
361. Everybody starts somewhere.Copy !req
362. You'll travel,
and you will meet interesting people.Copy !req
363. Think about it.Copy !req
364. Okay. I will.Copy !req
365. Apparently he wants April to
move to Indianapolis with him.Copy !req
366. So that's something.Copy !req
367. I hope you're happy.Copy !req
368. Look, I just wanted to
show him what it felt likeCopy !req
369. to have your ex-wife
date someone you know.Copy !req
370. Whatever happened after
that is not my fault.Copy !req
371. Yes, it is.Copy !req
372. Tom, you did a really crappy thing,
and I think deep down, you know that.Copy !req
373. Whatever happens to
Ron Swanson is on you.Copy !req
374. Excuse me, chief.
Sorry to interrupt.Copy !req
375. Hey, calzone boy, what's up?Copy !req
376. Well, here's hoping that that
nickname doesn't stick. Right?Copy !req
377. But that's not
why I'm here.Copy !req
378. Leslie Knope asked you
for a favor the other day,Copy !req
379. but the real favor we
need is much bigger.Copy !req
380. You mean, like
calzone size?Copy !req
381. Ah!Copy !req
382. Sure.Copy !req
383. We need the Pawnee police
force to volunteer as securityCopy !req
384. during the upcoming
Harvest Festival.Copy !req
385. Now, the city won't let us
throw the festival unless...Copy !req
386. Say no more.Copy !req
387. Just send me a schedule of how
many officers you need and when.Copy !req
388. Really? Just like that?Copy !req
389. Leslie Knope gets as
many favors as she needs.Copy !req
390. Can I ask why?Copy !req
391. Because she's the kind of a person
who uses favors to help other people.Copy !req
392. And also, my buddy Dave was the
crankiest bastard in the departmentCopy !req
393. till he started dating Leslie.Copy !req
394. So she...Copy !req
395. Okay. Are they
still dating or...Copy !req
396. No. Moved to
San Diego a year ago.Copy !req
397. Was it a serious thing, or...Copy !req
398. What do you care? You a pervert? Nope,
nope. I'm all good.Copy !req
399. Everything's fine.
This is fine.Copy !req
400. Don't think I won't do it.
I'll wear this to work.Copy !req
401. All right, one more.
What's in here, huh?Copy !req
402. A new library card?Copy !req
403. Read the name.
"Tammy Swanson Swanson."Copy !req
404. You guys, that's amazing.Copy !req
405. Well, you about ready
to go, my love?Copy !req
406. Yeah.
Wait, wait, Ron! Stop!Copy !req
407. Tom?
Jerry, what the hell?Copy !req
408. Don't do it.
She doesn't love you.Copy !req
409. You don't know what you're talking
about. What are you doing here?Copy !req
410. Yes, I do, okay?Copy !req
411. When I asked her to be my date,
she cackled for a full minuteCopy !req
412. and said, and I quote,Copy !req
413. "Anything to make
Ron miserable."Copy !req
414. It's not real, man.
She's just messing with you.Copy !req
415. He's lying, Ron.
Stay out of this, Glenn.Copy !req
416. It's Tom! And I'm not lying.Copy !req
417. I'm not gonna let you destroy
Ron. You're just gonna have to...Copy !req
418. Ow!Copy !req
419. Ow!Copy !req
420. He's attacking me,
Ron! Kill him!Copy !req
421. Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn!Copy !req
422. You're gonna have to
do better than that.Copy !req
423. Why are you hitting yourself,
Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.Copy !req
424. Tammy, that's enough!Copy !req
425. What?Copy !req
426. Hey, baby.Copy !req
427. You almost had me.Copy !req
428. Again.Copy !req
429. But seeing you pick on this pathetic,
defenseless little man...Copy !req
430. Hey.Copy !req
431. reminded me what
kind of a monster you are.Copy !req
432. You're a joke.Copy !req
433. You're not even
a man anymore.Copy !req
434. Oh, and by the way, last night,
I faked four out of the seven.Copy !req
435. So did I.Copy !req
436. Let's go, son.Copy !req
437. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
438. Sorry about the whole mess.Copy !req
439. The crisis has been averted,
so let's go talk to the chief.Copy !req
440. I already talked to him.Copy !req
441. They'll give us the hours
we need, no problem.Copy !req
442. Great. What a relief. Yeah.Copy !req
443. Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten. You know,
yeah.Copy !req
444. There's a really great calzone
place over in "Idiotville."Copy !req
445. Oh,
really? Down on "Terrible Idea Avenue."Copy !req
446. Okay. That's weird.Copy !req
447. 'Cause I thought it was on
"Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard."Copy !req
448. Calzones are pointless.Copy !req
449. They're just pizza
that's harder to eat.Copy !req
450. No one likes them.Copy !req
451. Good day, sir.Copy !req
452. Leslie, I.. .
You know, I...Copy !req
453. I'm just kidding.
Let's go.Copy !req
454. Okay. That was funny.Copy !req
455. High and tight.Copy !req
456. Do you think it's
gonna leave a scar?Copy !req
457. Tom, women like scars.Copy !req
458. Shows you survived
an attack,Copy !req
459. and they'll assume
the attack was from a man.Copy !req
460. Sorry, Ron,
about everything.Copy !req
461. To true love. May
we both find it.Copy !req
462. I'll drink to that.Copy !req
463. Nice glasses.Copy !req
464. Wedding present from Jerry.Copy !req
465. You're not gonna
return them?Copy !req
466. Nah, too much hassle.Copy !req