1. Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time ever in her new part-time job
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2. in the Public Health Department at City Hall,
it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!
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3. Leslie, this is so nice!
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4. I put a poisonous gas
in one of these balloons,
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5. so if any of them pops,
you may die.
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6. No, April,
we would all die.
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7. Gases fill the volume of
whatever container they're in.
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8. School.
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9. We have activities every hour
on your first day.
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10. 10:00 am, "Ann's first
day waffle explosion."
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11. 11:00 a.m. ,
"The start-paperwork jamboree."
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12. And then 12:00 noon sharp is
the inaugural "D-Ann-ce Party."
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13. Welcome to City Hall,
cupcake!
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14. How many of you are in
here?There's seven.
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15. And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart,
and he's kind of a grouch.
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16. I have an office mate?
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17. Get these balloons
out of here.
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18. Hi, I'm Ann.
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19. Hey.
Hey.
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20. Just to let you know,
I gave the senior center project to Donna.
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21. Sounds good.
The meeting's at 2:00?
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22. Yes. Conference room "C".
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23. Okay. I think
at some point,
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24. you and I should probably
make out with each other.
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25. Yeah, good call.
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26. The best part of any
relationship is the beginning.
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27. No problems, no fights.
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28. Just white wine, cuddling,
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29. and crazy amounts of History
Channel documentaries.
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30. Hey, we should take separate
cars to the restaurant tonight.
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31. Chris is deadly serious
about this.. . I know.
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32. I just don't wanna talk about it,
okay? I'll see you tonight.
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33. Okay. By the way,
I have a meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope.
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34. Is that any relation?
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35. No.
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36. Oh, okay.
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37. Just a coincidence. We get it
all the time. We laugh about it.
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38. But I've never met her.
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39. She's Filipino.
Okay, bye.
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40. Why don't you just tell Ben
she's your mother?
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41. Because Ben and I are in this
amazing little bubble right now,
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42. and there's
no room in here
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43. for Chris' stupid rules about us
not dating or my ball-busting mother.
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44. Leslie, I'm sorry,
but I don't think you thought this through.
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45. You know what I should do?
I should get my mother
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46. a one-way ticket to London,
leaving today.
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47. And that way,
Ben never has to meet her
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48. and I could visit her in
London. Everybody wins.
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49. What if he sees a picture
of her on your desk?
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50. What if Marlene says, "Hey,
have you met my daughter, Leslie?
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51. "She works in
the Parks Department."
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52. Stuart, please, could you give us,
like, 45 minutes?
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53. It's my office, too.
Stuart.
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54. That guy was rude.
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55. I feel that some
structural changes
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56. could really unlock
this department's potential.
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57. Jerry.
Mmm?
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58. I believe you are
capable of much more.
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59. I'm not.
Nonsense.
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60. Look in the mirror.
Huh?
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61. You are an intelligent,
charismatic, beautiful superhero.
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62. I'm making you head
of Public Relations,
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63. which means you'll be leading
the daily briefing sessions.
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64. Excellent idea.
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65. This is my favorite part about
having a new city manager.
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66. They always try to shake things up,
and their ideas are terrible,
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67. and it brings City Hall
to a grinding halt.
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68. I just grab a few donuts,
sit back, and enjoy the show.
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69. April, you are
too valuable
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70. to just be
Ron's assistant.
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71. So from now on,
you are a multitasking executive aide,
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72. assisting
the entire office.
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73. Is this a nightmare?
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74. April, wake up.
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75. Tom, I just wanna say
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76. that you are a wonderful
employee and a terrific human being.
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77. Meeting adjourned!
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78. Tom.
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79. I enjoy you.
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80. You know what else I enjoy?
Your entrepreneurial spirit.
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81. I did recently sell
my Chronicles of Riddick DVD
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82. on eBay for $10.
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83. Used the profits
to buy the Blu-ray.
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84. That's terrific.
I have an amazing project
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85. for someone
of your talents.
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86. You are going to digitize
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87. the entire city archives
up on the fourth floor.
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88. No! I hate the fourth floor!
Last time I was up there,
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89. I saw someone buy crystal meth out
of a vending machine. It's a bad place.
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90. You won't be alone. Andy.
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91. Starting now,
you are nobody's shoeshine boy.
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92. Starting now, you are
an administrative assistant.
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93. For three weeks.
Then back to shoes.
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94. Chris!
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95. I wasn't super
paying attention
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96. to what you just said
that we'll be doing,
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97. but I will give
110 percent!
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98. Well, as soon as you repeat
yourself in a more interesting way.
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99. Hey, Ben.
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100. Hey, what's up?
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101. Nothing much. Since I'm here,
I just wanted to let you know
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102. that Marlene
Griggs-Knope is my mom.
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103. What? Why...
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104. Also, she can be
cruel and difficult,
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105. and she makes snap
judgments about people
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106. that she holds on to
for a very long time.
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107. And she's kind of a bully.
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108. Okay! Go in there,
you're gonna be great.
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109. God. Oh, my God. Oh,
my God. I'm sorry. Here. Sorry!
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110. Hello.
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111. I'm Mr. Ben Wyatt.
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112. Looks like you got
some shirt on your coffee.
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113. Yeah. You know
what happened?
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114. I spilled it,
but you know how it goes.
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115. Fun anecdote.
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116. The county school district
needs four new school buses.
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117. I'm being stonewalled
by the board,
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118. and I'm hoping your office
can help us out.
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119. Okay.
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120. Really? That's it?
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121. Yeah. Actually, no. It...
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122. It's probably not possible.
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123. Then I'm confused, Ben,
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124. because you just
told me it was.
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125. Five seconds ago.
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126. I got a second box of donuts,
if anybody...
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127. What the is this?
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128. This, Mr. Director,
is your new desk.
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129. Okay.
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130. This desk is the epitome
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131. of the Swedish
concept ofjämställdhet,
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132. or "equality."
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133. Imagine someone
needs your attention.
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134. Somebody say my name.
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135. Chris.
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136. Swivel! What is it, Jerry?
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137. You told me
to say your name.
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138. And you did
a great job, superstar.
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139. Someone else
say something.
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140. You look like a freak.
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141. Swivel!
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142. April, that is not
a very good attitude.
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143. I will keep my eye on you
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144. from my circular desk
where I can see everything.
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145. Tiny swivel.
See how it works?
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146. What about my office
and its many walls?
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147. That becomes a new
public waiting room.
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148. And we got rid of
that giant pillar
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149. that was in front
of your door.
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150. I loved that pillar.
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151. It made it really annoying
to stand in my doorway.
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152. Well, get over it,
because it's gone.
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153. You're gonna be more
accessible than ever.
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154. The fourth floor.
Small claims court,
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155. divorce filings,
state-ordered drug tests.
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156. It's somehow both
freezing and humid.
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157. There's a whole room
on the fourth floor
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158. where they store the knives
they've confiscated from people
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159. who went to the fourth floor
to stab someone.
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160. You from Parks and Rec?
Yeah.
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161. I'm here to
show you around.
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162. Nice to meet you, ma'am.
What's your name?
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163. Ethel Beavers.
Follow me.
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164. Okay, this is you.
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165. Oh, wow!
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166. Double computers?
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167. I get my own
office phone.
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168. Hello, Wall Street.
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169. Buy more stocks. Now.
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170. This phone kind of
smells like a butt.
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171. Try not to move
things around.
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172. Because technically speaking,
this is still a crime scene.
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173. Here's your name tags.
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174. Here.
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175. Ethel, this shirt is
from Theory.
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176. Name tags make holes.
I'm not wearing this.
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177. Do what you want.
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178. Bye, Ethel!
Damn it.
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179. Remind me next time to ask her
where she was when Lincoln got shot.
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180. "Remind.. .
Tom... Ask... Something."
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181. You got it, boss.
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182. Hey! Somebody made
somebody a mix!
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183. And I definitely heard your
feedback from last time,
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184. so I only put five Sarah
McLachlan songs on this one.
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185. Cool. Should we talk about
how you claimed your mom
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186. was a Filipino woman
you'd never met?
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187. Should we?
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188. I was just trying to
delay the inevitable.
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189. If this turns
into something real,
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190. then we are gonna have
to deal with Chris' rule,
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191. and parents,
and annoying flossing habits,
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192. and a lot of un-fun stuff.
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193. But not yet.
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194. I just want to enjoy the
bubble for a little while.
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195. I'm sorry.
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196. Everything's good?
No, it's not.
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197. I was completely flustered.
I came off like an idiot.
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198. I mean, at one point,
for no reason,
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199. I just took off my shoes
and held them in my hand.
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200. I'm gonna go ask her how it went,
and I bet she loved you.
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201. I loved him!
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202. He's a total pushover.
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203. Very odd guy, though.
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204. He's like a goofy,
spineless jellyfish.
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205. Why do you ask,
sweetheart?
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206. No reason.
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207. Don't worry about it.
It's totally fine.
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208. No, it's not fine.
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209. What if she starts going around
telling people I'm a pushover?
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210. No one's gonna
believe that.
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211. When I first met you,
I thought you were a fascist hard-ass.
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212. What?
A cute fascist hard-ass,
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213. but still,
you give off a very...
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214. Education Department now
officially requesting 10 school buses.
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215. I thought they
only wanted four.
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216. Well, now that I'm a pushover,
why not ask for 10, or 20,
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217. or 100 new school buses
and a fleet of school yachts?
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218. How about that? Here's
what we're gonna do.
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219. You are gonna tell me everything
there is to know about your mom.
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220. And I'm gonna have
another meeting with her,
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221. and we're gonna
have it out.
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222. Or we could go to Belize
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223. and go scuba diving. And we
could look at the whale sharks.
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224. You're certified, right?
Let's get you certified.
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225. April,
do you have that usage report that I asked for?
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226. Anything for you, Jerry.
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227. Thank you.
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228. Oh, come on. Why?
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229. Excuse me.
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230. There's a sign at Ramsett Park that
says "Do not drink the sprinkler water,"
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231. so I made sun tea with it,
and now I have an infection.
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232. Sir?
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233. Sir, are.. . Are you listening to me,
sir?
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234. Sir, I'm talking to you!
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235. Sir!
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236. Sir, are you aware
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237. that there is waste
in your water system?
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238. Okay, you need to be strong,
powerful, decisive.
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239. This is not a meeting.
It's a battle.
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240. Normal meeting rules
do not apply.
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241. I'll be my mom and I'm
gonna be very harsh with you,
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242. and it's only
because I like you a lot.
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243. Okay.
Go!
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244. Hello.
Wrong.
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245. What? No preambles.
No introductions.
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246. Just walk in
and start talking.
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247. I'd like to discuss
the new school bus.
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248. I'd like to discuss
your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.
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249. And you should be
sitting by now. What?
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250. Just walk in
and take a seat.
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251. Um.. .
"Um" is the sound in "dumb."
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252. That's what she
says to people.
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253. And now you've crossed
your legs like a woman.
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254. God! Okay,
should we just start over?
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255. No. No,
we need to put a pin in this.
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256. Here is a list of my mother's top
100 favorite conversation topics,
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257. starting with Persian rugs,
ending with Daniel Craig.
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258. You have 10 minutes
to memorize it.
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259. Deliverance, the movie?
Mmm-hmm.
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260. Oh, God.
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261. So Jerry is, like,
basically my boss now,
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262. which I'm never
gonna work for him.
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263. Ron's trapped in
this weird desk prison,
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264. and I now work at this
traveling IV station.
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265. This Mort Jansen's office?
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266. Nope.
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267. Tell Mort I said
"Your move."
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268. Oh, my God.
I wanna work up here
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269. with you guys.
This is awesome.
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270. How many more of those stupid
documents do you have to scan?
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271. Just this one,
and all the ones in those boxes.
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272. I gotta get out
of here pronto.
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273. Time to get those old ladies
to do my work for me.
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274. How? By shining down on them
with the Haverford charm ray.
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275. Well, well, well.
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276. If it isn't Ethel Beavers.
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277. What's up, beautiful?
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278. Julianne Moore just called.
She wants her hair back.
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279. Nobody named Julien called.
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280. Never mind. I just need to
ask you a couple of questions.
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281. One, can you help me out
with this project we're doing?
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282. And, two,
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283. will you please invite me
to your 30th birthday party?
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284. What are you doing?
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285. I'm making a test call to your
phone to make sure it's working
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286. so you don't miss
any more calls.
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287. You know what?
Don't bother.
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288. Maybe I'll just find an open
window and plummet to my death.
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289. Okay.
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290. This isn't gonna work.
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291. Okay, you did not just swivel
away while I was talking to you.
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292. This spaceship keyboard is
driving me crazy.
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293. I'm down to one word a minute,
and the word is "perflipisklup"
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294. because I can't
fly spaceships.
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295. Donna, you know
as well as I do
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296. these city manager shakeups
always peter out.
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297. You just have to wait.
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298. Usually I'm with you.
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299. But this is Chris Traeger,
the six million dollar man.
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300. He won't quit.
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301. So you need to swivel
your ass down to his office
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302. and have a word with him.
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303. Mommy.
Oh!
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304. That is so thoughtful
of you.
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305. Of course!
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306. I just figured, hey,
why not put my mother in a good mood?
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307. So, it's my understanding that
despite what I said in our meeting,
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308. you have somehow increased
your request for more school buses.
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309. Excuse me,
but I'm having coffee with my daughter.
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310. Maybe we could do
this another time.
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311. No, we're gonna
talk about this now.
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312. Or if you'd prefer,
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313. I could put a permanent freeze
on the education budget.
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314. It's your call.
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315. Wow, maybe you should talk to him,
Mom. He seems pretty self-assured.
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316. There's nothing left.
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317. It's over.
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318. Hey, hey, hey, don't say that.
Now, come on.
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319. Get yourself together
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320. and go out there and be the woman
you always knew you could be.
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321. Thank you so much.
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322. Who was that?
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323. I don't know.
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324. I saw her crying,
and so I helped.
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325. What did you wanna
talk to me about?
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326. Look, Chris,
I'm very flattered
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327. you thought of me
for this amazing opportunity,
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328. but I don't really know if
this gig is in my wheelhouse.
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329. I tend to work best
with young, attractive people.
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330. Tom, I have made you
a project leader.
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331. This is a big deal!
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332. You should keep
an open mind.
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333. Let your brain unlock the door
to your heart's future.
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334. I made that expression up
when I was 14.
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335. Still in use today.
By me. Gotta jam.
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336. You know what?
It's just not possible.
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337. And don't even bother
trying to outflank me either,
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338. because you will fail.
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339. Where did all this confidence
come from all of a sudden?
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340. Hey, guys, come on.
Let's relax.
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341. You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope.. .
Marlene.
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342. There's probably
a compromise here.
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343. Compromise is usually
a sign of weakness.
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344. Yes, it is, according to
Andrew Carnegie.
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345. But your demands remind me
of a different quote,
Copy !req
346. from the great
Bill Watterson.
Copy !req
347. "You need a lobotomy.
I'll get a saw."
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348. I love Calvin and Hobbes.
Me, too!
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349. I gotta say,
this is some of my best work.
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350. This could not
have gone better.
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351. They are really
hitting it off.
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352. Thank God. Crisis averted.
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353. Well, I am very glad
you came back up here.
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354. Yeah, me too.
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355. Yeah.. .
So you have a deal.
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356. Well, let me
mull everything over,
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357. and then we can reconnect
and hash things out.
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358. It might get rough,
but that can be fun.
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359. Ben can handle it.
Yep, I can.
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360. Okay, great.
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361. It was a pleasure.
Oh! Mmm-hmm.
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362. What's so great is,
she was impressed by you, too.
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363. I mean, you could
tell instantly.
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364. The way you guys were
connecting was really amazing.
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365. Now, what I'm thinking
is that maybe
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366. we should go over
to her house...
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367. You two are just the
cutest things on four legs!
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368. But why so much black?
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369. It's like you're
going to a funeral.
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370. She's got a point, babe.
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371. So, marry her then.
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372. I wish!
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373. Hey, sorry to
interrupt the love fest,
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374. but can you hand me that folder there,
please, Ethel?
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375. Oh, great.
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376. Why you gotta be
like that, Ethel?
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377. Looks like someone got up
on the wrong side of the crib.
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378. Stop laughing, Muriel.
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379. Stop it!
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380. I gotta say,
I'm a genius.
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381. The only thing my mom loves
more than music boxes
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382. is McSteamy from
Grey's Anatomy.
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383. So, I made her
a McSteamy-style music box,
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384. and I thought maybe you could
give it to her. She would love you for it.
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385. I think maybe that's
not such a good idea.
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386. Why? I mean,
it's not the best picture of him, but...
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387. Your mom kind of,
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388. um,
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389. made a pass at me.
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390. So,
Webster's dictionary
Copy !req
391. describes a pork as a...
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392. No, it's park... Park.
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393. I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So...
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394. You know what,
can we start over?
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395. Let's... Let's go
from the first thing.
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396. I said, pork, which.. .
By the way,
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397. they have a great pork
sandwich in the cafeteria today.
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398. Ron Swanson.
Chris.
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399. You have come up with a plan
so spectacularly horrible
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400. that it might ruin
the entire department.
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401. Now,
wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.
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402. So, it pains me
to say this.
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403. My department has to go back
to the way it was.
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404. Give them time.
They'll adjust.
Copy !req
405. No, they won't.
They're miserable.
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406. Tom only performs when
there's someone to impress,
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407. so marooning him on Freak
Island isn't helping anyone.
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408. And you made April assistant to
everyone? You know who April hates?
Copy !req
409. Everyone.
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410. And Jerry can only function
if no one's looking.
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411. You shine a light on him,
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412. and he shrinks up faster
than an Eskimo's scrotum.
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413. Well, that's
very perceptive, Ron.
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414. And, very graphic.
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415. I understand your point,
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416. but there's no way that I
can just roll over on this.
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417. Okay.
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418. You won't ever hear me say this again,
so savor this moment.
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419. I may have a compromise.
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420. Look, she was just
flirting a little.
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421. I'm sure she's not
really interested in me.
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422. Oh,
my God. I can't even have this conversation.
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423. The whole thing
is screwed up now.
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424. There's so many ways
to destroy a bubble,
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425. but my mom flirting with
you is number one on the list.
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426. And I'm sorry,
I have to say this,
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427. were you asking
for it in any way?
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428. No!
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429. How were you dressed?
Oh, my God.
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430. I was wearing this.
Here's what we do.
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431. You issue
a government-wide memo
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432. about sexual harassment,
and then you go to Mexico.
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433. Just for
a couple of weeks.
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434. Where are you going? Ben!
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435. Ben! Wait. Just... Hey...
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436. Hi, Mom.
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437. Hi again.
Leslie and I are dating.
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438. We haven't told anyone
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439. because there's a rule
against office relationships.
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440. But it's happening.
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441. I'm sorry we didn't tell you
before you touched my knee,
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442. and I trust you
won't tell anyone now
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443. since it could get
your daughter fired.
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444. That is hilarious.
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445. That's what
we thought, too.
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446. Well...
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447. Four buses.
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448. Two.
Deal.
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449. I like this one.
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450. Me, too.
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451. You keep your hands off him.
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452. Margaret's pecan squares.
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453. They are like crack.
I brought you one.
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454. How are you so
happy working here?
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455. I don't know, man. It's not that bad. A year ago,
I lived in a pit.
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456. Now I got a job,
and a kickass wife.
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457. And my band is so good,
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458. and are you gonna eat
that pecan square?
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459. When life gives you lemons,
make lemonade.
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460. I read that once on
a can of lemonade.
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461. But I like to think
that it applies to life.
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462. I don't want lemonade.
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463. It's too sweet and it
makes my tongue feel gritty.
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464. So maybe it's
time for a change.
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465. Starting now,
when life gives me lemons,
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466. I'm gonna slice
them up into wedges
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467. and throw them
into vodka tonics,
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468. which I will then sip
in a burlesque nightclub
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469. that I co-own with actor Taye
Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.
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470. Here you go.
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471. Thank you.
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472. Kind of figured you'd be
back in your office by now.
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473. Well, you know how
new city managers are.
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474. Seems like everyone
else is back to normal.
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475. How long do you have
to do this? A week.
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476. Citizen request.
Swivel, swivel, swivel.
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477. Hello. I can
help you in here, sir.
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478. Oh, man, you're really
screwing this up.
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479. I'm gone for one day and this
entire shoe shine stand falls apart.
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480. Everything I built.
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481. Jump up here. I'll
show you how it's done.
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482. See, your problem is
you're thinking too much.
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483. Wow. You're
really good at this.
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484. Yes. I am.
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485. When I come back
here in a few weeks,
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486. I don't want all my regular
customers to not be here waiting for me
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487. because somebody
screwed it up.
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488. Huh?
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489. Thanks.
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490. No problem.
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491. See you later, kid.
Wow.
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492. What a moron.
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