Parks and Recreation 3x11

1. Good morning, Ben.

2. Sorry. Sorry.

3. Did I scare you? No.

4. I just wanted to remind you of the art show that's happening tonight

5. at the community center. Yeah. Yeah.

6. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

7. Great. Well, that sounds cool.

8. That sounds like something that will be a big success. You know?

9. I mean, like everything that you put your paws on.

10. Your fingers.

11. Leslie Knope! Ben Wyatt. Ben, great news.

12. Do you remember the woman I told you about

13. from the county commissioner's office?

14. Um... Vaguely.

15. Sure you do. Cindy Miller.

16. Anyway, she's agreed to go out on a date with you.

17. Oh.

18. You asked her out for me?

19. You're going to love her. She is interesting, smart and beautiful.

20. Inside and out.

21. Inner beauty is very important.

22. And outer beauty is also very important.

23. I thought you had a rule about inter-government relationships.

24. Don't worry. Her department is completely separate from ours.

25. This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford.

26. We weren't... You... You...

27. I'm sorry, who are you calling?

28. Cindy Miller.

29. Cindy Miller. Chris Traeger.

30. Guess who is standing in this room with me right now.

31. Oh, uh... Ben Wyatt.

32. Ben, say hello.

33. Hi, Cindy. Sorry.

34. Hi. No apology necessary. It's just Chris being Chris.

35. How are you doing?

36. Ooh! Sparks are flying!

37. We may have to call the fire department. It's a government joke.

38. I love setting people up.

39. Here's my secret. I determine someone's best qualities,

40. and then, I find someone else with compatible qualities,

41. and I bring them together.

42. God, this sucks.

43. Why don't you just go home for the rest of the day?

44. I can't go home, because I have this

45. art show opening at the community center,

46. and I can't stay here because I see Ben,

47. and I can't date Ben because of Chris' stupid rules.

48. I feel so...

49. Powerless. Yeah.

50. I'm like that light bulb.

51. Weak, flickering, barely giving off any light,

52. unable to make out with the light bulb I want to make out with.

53. You know what might make you feel better?

54. A hug?

55. Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?

56. Hey, Tom! A question for you.

57. Do you know anyone who's looking for a roommate?

58. How hot?

59. I... What?

60. How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay?

61. No, it's me. I'm looking. Come on. That's not fair.

62. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

63. I didn't.

64. I've been staying at the Pawnee Super Suites Motel for seven months.

65. It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls,

66. delightfully unstable temperatures,

67. and, as of yesterday, bedbugs.

68. "Four stars," says nobody.

69. I wish I could help you, Benihana, but I can't. I have a one-bedroom.

70. I can't have a dude sleeping on my couch

71. if and when I bring home a lady.

72. I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch.

73. We sit down, clap my hands, lights dim.

74. Okay. I understand.

75. Boyz II Men. Fades in. Please, stop. No.

76. No, you don't need to explain the ritual. I'm good.

77. You know who might be able to help out

78. a homeless dude such as yourself?

79. This is awesomely perfect.

80. Burly just moved in with his rich girlfriend,

81. and we need help with the rent.

82. We have a couple of house rules, though.

83. Yeah, sure. Of course.

84. You can't use the front door.

85. You have to climb in through the back window.

86. No personal phone conversations.

87. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal "usted".

88. And no electricity after 6:00 p.m.

89. She's joking. Okay.

90. You can use as much free electricity as you want.

91. It's free. Couple more rules.

92. If you ever watch a sad movie,

93. you have to wear mascara so we can see

94. whether or not you've been crying.

95. There's no noise allowed on Mondays, and no TV after breakfast.

96. She is lying again.

97. She is.

98. Yes. Because it's hard to tell.

99. No. We leave the TV on all day long

100. so burglars think that we're home when we're not,

101. which was my idea that I'm trying to patent.

102. So, you want to move in tonight?

103. Yeah. Sure. That would be great.

104. You want my gum? Uh-huh.

105. Ron, can you make the opening remarks?

106. I'm just.. . I'm not in the mood.

107. Neither am I. Ever.

108. What's wrong with you? You live for this kind of stuff.

109. I don't have it in me right now.

110. Ron, please. Do it for me. Make the speech. Ron, please. Please.

111. Give the speech, Ron. No.

112. Yes. Please? Ron? Please. No.

113. Please give the speech. Please give the speech.

114. No. I won't. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

115. No way. Please, please, please, please, please.

116. No. Please, please. Yes, yes...

117. All right! Damn it, woman.

118. Okay, everyone. Shut up and look at me!

119. Welcome to "Visions of Nature."

120. This room has several paintings in it.

121. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now.

122. I believe that after this is over,

123. they'll be hung in government buildings.

124. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me.

125. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature

126. when they can just go outside and stand in it.

127. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now

128. as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further.

129. End of speech.

130. And that's the TV room.

131. Oh, my God.

132. Yeah, it's a mess.

133. Can you throw that in the trash can?

134. I was just here, like, three weeks ago for your wedding.

135. What happened?

136. Well, Burly moved out.

137. He was the one that did all the cleaning and throwing away and stuff.

138. Wait, he moved out, like, a week ago.

139. You guys made this mess in a week?

140. Well, I always think April's going to clean up.

141. And I never clean up.

142. It's cute, right?

143. No.

144. Yes, it is.

145. Are you guys frying marbles?

146. We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked.

147. It doesn't.

148. The biggest challenge to picking the perfect roommate is

149. finding someone who's willing to pay more

150. than their share of rent without knowing it.

151. I think we found that in Ben.

152. You forgot to paint a painting, son.

153. So, for my painting, I chose one

154. of my very favorite Greek myths,

155. the centaur goddess, Dyaphena, slaying a great stag.

156. It's stunning.

157. It's breathtaking, Jerry.

158. Yeah. It really is.

159. Wow. Thanks, guys.

160. Hey, Leslie, you should really come

161. over here and look at Jerry's painting.

162. Oh, my God.

163. That's me. Is that me?

164. What? No.

165. Geez, it does look like you.

166. You're just realizing that now?

167. That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry.

168. Topless Leslie glued to a horse.

169. Okay. Leslie, I am just so, so sorry.

170. Dyaphena, she is this powerful goddess,

171. and I've been thinking a lot about powerful women,

172. and subconsciously, I painted you.

173. I'm sorry. I'm going to take it right down.

174. No. Leave it up.

175. I love it.

176. I don't know how to explain it.

177. Every time I look at it, I just think to myself,

178. "What can't that centaur woman do?

179. "Besides ride an escalator and drive a car."

180. Art can be so magnificent.

181. Oh, my God. The baby is Tom.

182. What?

183. This is easily my favorite painting ever.

184. What the hell, Jerry? Look at my pot belly. I look like a pregnant baby.

185. And why am I so scared? All right, we've got to take this down. Now.

186. No, this painting isn't going anywhere, Tom.

187. It's staying right here. Hello, fellow lover of the arts.

188. Welcome to the painting.

189. What, is that you?

190. Well, it's hot.

191. Thank you.

192. This guy's in it, too. He's the little fat baby.

193. Cool.

194. Yeah.

195. What's going on right here?

196. Baby rolls!

197. We've been trying to get that light fixed for months.

198. Thank you.

199. Thank her.

200. Good morning, Tom.

201. She marched into my office this morning and told me she wouldn't leave

202. until I got this done.

203. Hmm.

204. Well, I'm glad someone's feeling good.

205. They're going to hang that painting in a public building

206. where anybody can see it.

207. In one brush stroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe

208. that's taken me years to cultivate

209. and replaced it with the fat, brown baby vibe,

210. which is not as cool of a vibe.

211. Hey, Aphrodite. Chris needs you in his office.

212. Hmm.

213. When you're done with the light, fix the printer.

214. I don't know how to fix printers.

215. Learn it.

216. Leslie, should I go, too?

217. This isn't about you, Jerry.

218. It's my painting.

219. Why am I upset?

220. Let's start with government-funded animal porn.

221. I'm not sure that's fair.

222. I want it destroyed, and I want a statement from this office

223. apologizing for an obscene depiction of bestiality.

224. Bestiality? It is a picture of a centaur,

225. a beautiful half person, half horse.

226. And how did it get like that?

227. Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?

228. Ms. Langman, we hear you, we understand you

229. and we are going to do whatever we can to come to a solution.

230. Destroy it.

231. Destroy it? I mean, is she serious?

232. Do you find this personally offensive?

233. Not personally, no.

234. No, personally, I enjoy a good artistic depiction of the human form.

235. I've dabbled in nude sculpture. I've posed nude.

236. In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.

237. But I am not in the nude now, am I?

238. Because we're in a government building.

239. And that would be inappropriate,

240. which is what I think Marcia is saying.

241. So, take care of this situation.

242. That painting is not going to be destroyed.

243. Every great work of art contains a message.

244. And the message of this painting is,

245. "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

246. Morning, roomie. How did you sleep?

247. Well, there were no bedbugs.

248. Also, no bed. I'm going to go buy a bed.

249. Fork. I'm sorry.

250. Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee?

251. Yeah. It's pretty cute, right?

252. No. Do you know what "cute" means?

253. What have you got against turkey chili for breakfast?

254. What have you guys got against washing dishes?

255. We don't have any dishes, okay?

256. Burly took them all when he left.

257. Now, I bet you feel like a jerk.

258. God. Okay, I might need to not stay here anymore.

259. No. Sorry, dude. We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360

260. and more frisbees to eat off of.

261. You've got to stay.

262. God. Okay. All right.

263. Here's the deal.

264. We're going to clean this place up.

265. Okay? And then, I am going to teach you how to be adults.

266. Cool. We'll get to be adults.

267. Gee, golly. Thanks, mister.

268. Fork.

269. Hello. I'm Perd Hapley, and welcome to Ya' Heard? With Perd.

270. Today's show begins now. Is this art

271. or is it pornography?

272. Here to answer this question

273. is Parks and Recreation Deputy Director, Leslie Knope.

274. Perd, it is a beautiful work of art.

275. Governments should not be in the business of censorship,

276. especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.

277. But this is where the controversy

278. of this story gets even more controversial.

279. You are the subject of this painting.

280. Half woman, half horse, with what

281. some would say are human breasts.

282. I am not the subject.

283. The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere.

284. But it does look a little bit like me.

285. Leslie, for our viewers at home

286. who might not know, are centaurs real?

287. No.

288. Absolutely sure?

289. Okay. So, you always separate your lights from your darks.

290. That's racist.

291. And then, you get your laundry...

292. Where is your laundry detergent?

293. Right. Here we are.

294. Okay. This is bubble bath. You guys...

295. You wash your clothes in bubble bath?

296. Bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.

297. No, it's not.

298. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

299. It was never our intention to offend anyone

300. I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies.

301. Okay.

302. Also joining us today is a different person.

303. Pornographic film actress, Brandi Maxxxx.

304. Pleasure to be here. Brandi, you've starred in

305. over 200 adult films, some of which are very good.

306. When did you get into the business? Last year.

307. Fantastic. Now, this painting right here, art or pornography?

308. Perd, I think this whole debate is ridiculous.

309. What Leslie and I do is obviously art.

310. Hang on. There is a big difference

311. between an oil painting of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.

312. It's okay, Leslie. I got this one. What?

313. What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able to have sex

314. anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want.

315. Whether it's girl-on-girl action, bondage, or...

316. Yep. what have you.

317. Okay. Hang on. Pornography is very difficult to define.

318. In fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said,

319. "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."

320. Brandi, how would you define pornography?

321. For me, it's when the penis goes in.

322. All right, we need to do some basic organization.

323. Where do you put your bills when they come?

324. I read the magazines and give the rest to Andy.

325. Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer.

326. Why?

327. So they won't get lost.

328. Bingo.

329. Okay, you have to pay these.

330. Good thing I didn't lose them.

331. Okay. New lesson. Basic finance.

332. I'm gonna teach you how to balance a checkbook.

333. Okay. I am going to teach you how to open a bank account.

334. Bank account. Good.

335. Brandi, I'm Thomas Haverford.

336. I just wanted to say I thought you made

337. some excellent points up there.

338. I totally agree with you that people should

339. be allowed to have sex in public places.

340. You look familiar to me.

341. Maybe you've seen me down at the Snakehole Lounge.

342. I'm a part-owner there.

343. That's you. In the painting.

344. You're the fat baby.

345. Aw!

346. That's so cute.

347. Oh. You're into that?

348. No.

349. Damn it, Jerry.

350. Imagine my horror.

351. I'm hanging upside down with my gravity boots watching Perd.

352. I see you with your painting, and I am startled and disappointed.

353. Well, I did not know that Brandi was going to offer me

354. a role in her next film.

355. I urge you not to take that role.

356. I am not going to take the role.

357. That's good to hear,

358. because recently, you've been a little unpredictable.

359. I'm sorry that I'm trying to defend a beautiful work of art.

360. Thank you, Leslie.

361. Stand down, Jerry. This isn't your fight.

362. You've left me no choice.

363. I have convened a meeting of the Public Arts Commission,

364. and we will abide by their decision.

365. Fine with me.

366. Public Arts Commission. Filled with hippies

367. who love art and sometimes weed.

368. Jackpot.

369. I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Chris Traeger,

370. and I am a big fan of art.

371. Council, I am not opposed to pornography.

372. In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it.

373. If I had my laptop with me right now,

374. I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof.

375. However, this thing is disgusting and wrong.

376. Please let the record reflect that the fat baby is referring to the painting.

377. Hey. I am not a fat baby. I'm a small,

378. slender man, similar to actor Taye Diggs.

379. So, let the record reflect that, that I look like Taye Diggs.

380. Members of the Public Arts Commission, good afternoon, and good art.

381. Every great society has always supported artistic expression.

382. The Romans.. . Perverts.

383. The Greeks.. . Gay perverts.

384. To great societies in Europe.

385. Europeans.

386. There are some members of this community

387. that would like to demonize this painting.

388. And when they do, they, in fact, demonize art itself.

389. What is or isn't art

390. is up to every free-thinking American to decide on their own.

391. Yeah. It's in the bag.

392. We've decided that the painting should be destroyed.

393. Yeah! Burn it!

394. What? Are you serious? You're supposed to be in favor of public art.

395. Yeah, well, there are nipples in it.

396. So, it just seems like we ought to be safe and destroy it.

397. Okay.

398. Here is a list of errands and things that human adults need.

399. Also, I'm giving you an advance on next month's rent,

400. and I want you guys to go to Bed Bath and Beyond

401. and buy everything on that list.

402. Or we could buy a Wii.

403. You can handle this.

404. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it?

405. No, I can't. I have a date.

406. Ooh! What's his name?

407. It's actually not.. . Chris set it up.

408. Never mind. Point is, stick to the list and you'll do great.

409. I have total faith in you.

410. There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

411. So, how do you want to do this?

412. Burn it publicly? Or burn it privately,

413. and I put the footage on my blog...

414. You've made your point, okay?

415. Look, this painting is very important to me.

416. It doesn't need to hang in a government building.

417. Just let me take it home, and I'll keep it there.

418. What do you say?

419. I say this painting is going to burn.

420. First here, then in hell.

421. Do I need to get this validated?

422. I don't know.

423. No. Okay, then, great. I'm just gonna pull my car around

424. and you can load it in the back.

425. No.

426. Hey! Come back here!

427. Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

428. This place is amazing.

429. Oh, my God. They have a thing that makes sherbet. We need five of those.

430. No, we need to stick with what's on the list.

431. First things first, oven mitts.

432. Where are the oven mitts?

433. Oh, my God.

434. They have all the "As Seen On TV" stuff. Uh-uh!

435. The Shake Weight, Iron Gym, Miracle Handle,

436. Big Top Cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.

437. Honey. Oh, my God.

438. Honey. Listen to me.

439. Get it all.

440. Grab everything that we've seen on TV,

441. put it in this cart right now.

442. Iron Gym? I am going to get so buff.

443. Oh, my God. Marshmallow Shooter!

444. Marshmallow Shooter? Get two!

445. Hey, what about the Magic Bullet?

446. Yeah. I've seen that.

447. Oh. Hi. Hi.

448. I was at a meeting around the corner,

449. and some people wanted to destroy this painting.

450. So, I brought it here.

451. Where is Andy and April?

452. They're out shopping.

453. What are you doing here?

454. I moved into the spare room.

455. Really?

456. Yeah.

457. Can I come in?

458. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course.

459. Why do they want to destroy it?

460. Well, it's a painting of me as a centaur.

461. Okay. And it's a nude.

462. Oh.

463. Just basically, like, the "chestal" region.

464. Uh-huh. Mostly.

465. You don't have to look at it if you don't want to.

466. No, no, no. It's very classy.

467. Yeah, no. I'm sure it is.

468. Man. It's Chris. I better take this.

469. Okay.

470. Hi, Chris. Leslie Knope.

471. You need to bring that painting back.

472. What painting?

473. Leslie, you have the painting, and you need to bring it back in.

474. I think I've been pretty fair with you,

475. and I'm starting to feel angry.

476. Okay. Chris.. . And I don't like feeling angry.

477. My heart is racing. It is going literally 45 beats a minute.

478. I'm sorry. If I could just explain to you my point of view.

479. You will bring that painting in tomorrow morning

480. and surrender it to Marcia Langman.

481. And that's that. Do you understand me, madam?

482. Yes.

483. Mighty Putty.

484. What are we doing? We didn't get

485. a single thing that Ben told us to.

486. Sure, we did. We got the Marshmallow Shooter.

487. That's... I don't think that's on the list.

488. But I want it.

489. I want it, too.

490. But I also kind of want my own fork.

491. Just because you eat really slow,

492. which is cute, but also super annoying.

493. Fine.

494. What? What's wrong?

495. Nothing. It's just adults are boring. And I hate them.

496. And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring, adult stuff

497. and become boring adults.

498. Hey. Listen to me.

499. Yes, we're going to get a dish rack

500. and shower curtains and a cutting board.

501. But if you think for one second

502. I'm not also going to get that Marshmallow Shooter

503. so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows

504. when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

505. You're going to make me cry.

506. You're a level-headed person. What do I do here?

507. Well, I don't know. I mean, it is one

508. of the basic rules of government

509. that you shouldn't offend people.

510. Yeah. I guess you're right. I just...

511. I'm so annoyed by all these rules, lately.

512. We're back here. Me, too.

513. Hey, Leslie. What are you doing here?

514. Hey. Um. Well, I stole a painting, and

515. I was hoping you guys would help me hide it.

516. I like it. It's very simple.

517. No, it's on the other side.

518. Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse?

519. Does it look like me? I don't even...

520. Leslie. I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything,

521. because you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that.

522. So would I. You guys are sweet.

523. Okay. I should go and hit the road with this.

524. And.. . Okay.

525. I'll see you later. Bye.

526. Bye, Leslie. Bye.

527. So? How did we do?

528. I don't know. Does this answer your question?

529. No. Did you buy plates?

530. Oh. Plates.

531. Leslie, what are you doing?

532. Say goodbye to Dyaphena.

533. I have to turn her over to stupid Marcia Langman.

534. Really? Wow.

535. What?

536. I mean, to be honest, that seems like the kind of thing I would do,

537. and I didn't think you would give in.

538. Come with me.

539. Hey, man. Roomie.

540. Dude, it's super fun to eat cereal from a bowl with a spoon.

541. Thank you for that. No problem.

542. Though, you know you're not supposed to

543. bring your dishes into work, right?

544. Good one. I'm serious.

545. What's going on between you and Leslie?

546. I noticed a weird vibe when we came into the room.

547. Nothing. I mean, we're friends.

548. Just regular friendship development.

549. Come on, roomie. You can tell me. I know there was something.

550. I bet you I can guess what it is.

551. She stole money from you.

552. What? No. No, Andy, she did not.

553. I think we like each other.

554. But Chris has this very strict rule co-workers can't date,

555. so it's not even an option.

556. Wow. Yeah.

557. Well, first of all, Leslie, she's, like, the coolest ever.

558. You've chosen well.

559. And, secondly, hey, man, if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.

560. Look at me and April.

561. If you're anything like us,

562. three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.

563. I'm glad you finally came to your senses.

564. I know that's not an easy journey for you to make.

565. Let's take a look at it first, shall we?

566. Whoa! It looks amazing!

567. I had the artist paint over the original.

568. Feel free to destroy it.

569. No.

570. But I think you'll find no one could possibly be offended.

571. Unless, of course, they have a problem

572. with centaurs having modern haircuts.

573. There were many kinds of Greek goddesses.

574. Some were lovers. Some were warriors.

575. And some were tricksters.

576. I'm so glad that this got resolved because I hate being angry.

577. Ben! Yeah.

578. Come in here.

579. How did your date with Cindy go?

580. You know, she wasn't really my type.

581. She's a tall brunette. You always like tall brunettes.

582. Well, not exclusively.

583. Historically, yes, exclusively.

584. He said he didn't like her. So, it's over.

585. Okay. Well, I'm going to keep trying, because you are incredible.

586. Thank you.

587. And you deserve someone amazing

588. and smart and beautiful.

589. Thank you.

590. A real goddess.

591. Exactly. Mmm.

592. Hey, what about Shelly from the health food store?

593. I don't know who that is. Her brother died climbing Everest.

594. Great. Interesting, right?

595. No.

596. Nice job, Jerry.

597. You look like Enrique Iglesias.

598. I just wish I had more time. Why?

599. This is amazing. It looks like me, and I look awesome.

600. Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?

601. Yeah, where is your penis?

602. Damn it, Jerry!

603. Gayle, I know Jerry is your husband.

604. Look, I can promise you there's

605. absolutely nothing going on between us.

606. No. No, I did not pose for that painting,

607. but thank you for thinking I did.

608. Okay. Sure. Hold on.

609. Gayle, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about.

610. Okay? I'm not gay, neither is Jerry,

611. and I didn't pose for him.

612. I promise you, hon, Jerry only has eyes for you.

613. And pound cake. Am I right?