1. - AND TO MY WIFE,
I APOLOGIZE.Copy !req
2. ALL I CAN SAY IS,
I WASN'T JUST HAVING SEX.Copy !req
3. I WAS MAKING LOVE
TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...Copy !req
4. AND HER BOYFRIEND,Copy !req
5. AND A THIRD PERSON
WHOSE NAME I NEVER LEARNED.Copy !req
6. FURTHERMORE,
IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SAYCopy !req
7. I WAS BUILDING HOUSES
FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGEDCopy !req
8. WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY
HAVING FOUR-WAY SEXCopy !req
9. IN A CAVE IN BRAZIL.Copy !req
10. - I BET CAVE SEX IS IN-SANE.Copy !req
11. - WHY?Copy !req
12. - BECAUSE OF THE ECHOES
AND THE HUMIDITY.Copy !req
13. - IN MY DEFENSE,
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY,Copy !req
14. AND I REALLY WANTED TO DO IT.Copy !req
15. - I THINK IT'S A REAL SHAMECopy !req
16. WHEN PEOPLE FOCUS ON
THE TAWDRY DETAILS OF A SCANDAL.Copy !req
17. PERSONALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUTCopy !req
18. IS COUNCILMAN DEXHART'S
POLICIES,Copy !req
19. NOT WHETHER HE WAS HIGH
ON NITROUS AND COCAINECopy !req
20. DURING THE CAVE SEX...Copy !req
21. WHICH, BY THE WAY,
I HEARD HE WAS.Copy !req
22. - ONE MORE SHOCKING REVELATION
IN A STORYCopy !req
23. THAT JUST
WON'T STOP UNFOLDING.Copy !req
24. IT TURNS OUT
COUNCILMAN DEXHARTCopy !req
25. MAY HAVE ALSO HAD SEX
WITH A PROSTITUTECopy !req
26. IN THE LIMOUSINE
ON THE WAY TO AND FROMCopy !req
27. THE PRESS CONFERENCE
WHERE HE APOLOGIZEDCopy !req
28. FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.Copy !req
29. - WHY DOES ANYBODY WANT TO RUN
FOR PUBLIC OFFICE?Copy !req
30. YOU'RE JUST ASKING TO HAVE
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EXPOSED.Copy !req
31. - WELL, IF YOU'RE SQUEAKY CLEAN,
LIKE I AM,Copy !req
32. THERE'S NO PROBLEM.Copy !req
33. - TOM, YOU'RE MARRIED, AND YOU
HIT ON WOMEN CONSTANTLY.Copy !req
34. - YEAH, BUT I'VE
NEVER SEALED THE DEAL.Copy !req
35. JUST WINDOW SHOPPING.Copy !req
36. YOU CAN FLY TO BRAZIL,Copy !req
37. JUST DON'T ENTER THE CAVE.
AM I RIGHT?Copy !req
38. UP TOP.Copy !req
39. - I'M SURE THAT YOU THINK
THAT YOU'RE CLEAN,Copy !req
40. BUT I BET THAT WE COULD FIND
SOMETHING ON YOU.Copy !req
41. - I CHANGED MY NAME,
WHICH IS LEGAL,Copy !req
42. AND ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL,Copy !req
43. A GIRL BEAT ME
IN A WRESTLING MATCH.Copy !req
44. THAT'S IT.
I BET ANYTHINGCopy !req
45. I CAN FIND WORSE STUFF
ON ALL YOU GUYS.Copy !req
46. - ARE YOU SUGGESTING A GAME?Copy !req
47. I'M IN.Copy !req
48. - I'M IN.
- I'M OUT.Copy !req
49. - NOT AN OPTION, JERRY.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN.Copy !req
50. - NO, SERIOUSLY, I REALLY
DON'T WANT TO PLAY.Copy !req
51. - NO, NO, SERIOUSLY,
YOU ARE PLAYING.Copy !req
52. WE'RE GONNA NAIL YOU.Copy !req
53. - I WILL PLAY, TOO.Copy !req
54. IF ONLY TO PROVE
THAT I CAN FIND MORE DIRT ON YOUCopy !req
55. THAN YOU CAN ON ME.Copy !req
56. - THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL PLAYING.Copy !req
57. - YOUR DESK IS OVER THERE.Copy !req
58. - I LOVE GAMES THAT TURN PEOPLE
AGAINST EACH OTHER.Copy !req
59. - YOU GUYS WILL NEVER BELIEVE
WHAT I JUST FOUNDCopy !req
60. ON JERRY'S FACEBOOK.Copy !req
61. - A FRIEND. BURN.Copy !req
62. - OKAY, AGAIN,
I'D REALLY RATHER NOT PLAY.Copy !req
63. - HEY, GUYS,
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?Copy !req
64. - TRYING TO SEE WHO HAS
THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DIRT ON THEMCopy !req
65. IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS
TO RUN FOR OFFICE.Copy !req
66. - OH, WELL, IT AIN'T JERRY,
THAT'S FOR SURE.Copy !req
67. HE'S GOT A COUPLE
OF 3-5-9s ON HIM.Copy !req
68. PUBLIC URINATION.Copy !req
69. - I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.Copy !req
70. JUST DON'T LIKE IT.Copy !req
71. - HE'S PROBABLY GONNA GO
ANGER PEE IN THE COURTYARD.Copy !req
72. - WELL, YOU CRAZY PARK PEOPLE,
UH, I'M OUT OF HERE.Copy !req
73. LESLIE, I'LL—
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.Copy !req
74. - TOMORROW WILL BE
OUR FIRST OFFICIAL—Copy !req
75. FIRST DATE.Copy !req
76. - ROGER THAT.Copy !req
77. - COPY. OVER AND OUT.Copy !req
78. DAVE AND I ARE GOING
ON OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW.Copy !req
79. I'M NOT NERVOUS.Copy !req
80. WHY SHOULD I BE NERVOUS?Copy !req
81. WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE
GOING ON A FIRST DATE.Copy !req
82. THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.Copy !req
83. AAH!Copy !req
84. THAT WAS MY PHONE.Copy !req
85. - HEY.
- HI THERE.Copy !req
86. WHAT ARE YOU, UH...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?Copy !req
87. - JUST HAVING LUNCH
WITH LESLIE.Copy !req
88. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?Copy !req
89. - I'M LOOKING
FOR SCANDALOUS INFORMATIONCopy !req
90. ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS
FOR A GAME THAT WE'RE PLAYING.Copy !req
91. - MY TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY,
RIGHT?Copy !req
92. - YEAH.Copy !req
93. - COOL.Copy !req
94. AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME,Copy !req
95. AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE."Copy !req
96. - YEAH. HEY, LISTEN,Copy !req
97. I'M REALLY NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.Copy !req
98. DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A FIRST DATE
OUTFIT I COULD BORROW?Copy !req
99. LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
PAIR OF CARGO PANTS.Copy !req
100. - YEAH, I WOULDN'T GO
WITH A CARGO PANT.Copy !req
101. - WHAT ABOUT,
LIKE, A SEXY HAT?Copy !req
102. - I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT EVEN IS.Copy !req
103. - HELPING ALREADY.Copy !req
104. - DO YOU WANT TO JUST COME BY
AFTER WORK TODAY?Copy !req
105. - SURE, YEAH. TONIGHT?Copy !req
106. SEVERAL HOURS FROM NOW?Copy !req
107. - OR YOU COULD JUST
COME OVER NOW?Copy !req
108. - I THINK THAT WOULD BETTER.Copy !req
109. THAT WOULD GIVE US MORE TIME.
LET'S GO.Copy !req
110. - OH, WHAT YOU DOING, GUYS?Copy !req
111. LOOKING FOR DIRT ON ME?Copy !req
112. NO POINT.Copy !req
113. GIVE UP NOW.Copy !req
114. OH, WAIT,
THERE IS THIS.Copy !req
115. EVERYBODY, I BOUGHT
A CROISSAN'WICH THIS MORNING.Copy !req
116. THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL RECEIPT,
JUST A SCRAP OF PAPER.Copy !req
117. - TALIBAN ROBES!Copy !req
118. - WHAT? WHERE'D YOU GET
THAT PHOTO FROM?Copy !req
119. - HEY, TOM,
NICE TALIBAN ROBES.Copy !req
120. - THOSE AREN'T TALIBAN ROBES.Copy !req
121. THAT'S FROM HALLOWEEN
TEN YEARS AGO.Copy !req
122. I WAS DRESSED LIKE A JEDI.Copy !req
123. - I'M SURE THAT THE VOTERS WOULD
BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.Copy !req
124. - MM, LOOKS TO ME
LIKE YOU'RE IN THE TALIBAN.Copy !req
125. - WELL, DID EVERYBODY KNOW
THAT RON'S EX-WIFE TAMMYCopy !req
126. IS ACTUALLY HIS SECOND EX-WIFE
NAMED TAMMY?Copy !req
127. THAT'S RIGHT.
RON HAS TWO EX-WIVES,Copy !req
128. EACH NAMED TAMMY.Copy !req
129. - BOTH OF THEM BITCHES.Copy !req
130. YES, MY MOM'S NAME
IS TAMMY.Copy !req
131. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?Copy !req
132. TOM! THAT WAS A JAEGER-SECRET.Copy !req
133. YOU JUST BREACHED
A JAEGER-SECRET.Copy !req
134. - DAMN!
THIS JUST HEATED UP QUICK.Copy !req
135. - THAT LOOKS GREAT.
- YEAH?Copy !req
136. - WILL YOU BE WEARING IT
OUT OF THE STORE TODAY, MADAME?Copy !req
137. OH, I THINK I WILL, GOOD LADY.Copy !req
138. HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU,
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?Copy !req
139. - SHOOT.Copy !req
140. - WHAT IF HE ASKS ME
IF I'VE BEEN MARRIED?Copy !req
141. - HAVE YOU?
- NO.Copy !req
142. - WELL, THEN SAY THAT.Copy !req
143. - BUT THEN HE'LL WONDER
WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED.Copy !req
144. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?Copy !req
145. I'M GONNA SAY
THAT I WAS MARRIED,Copy !req
146. BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS,
SHOULD I SAY THAT I HAVE KIDS?Copy !req
147. GUY LIKE GIRLS
THAT HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?Copy !req
148. - WHOA.
- WHAT IF I GET DRUNKCopy !req
149. AND I TALK
ABOUT DARFUR TOO MUCH?Copy !req
150. OR NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IF I DON'T
BRING UP DARFUR ENOUGH?Copy !req
151. - LESLIE, RELAX.Copy !req
152. - YEAH.
- OKAY?Copy !req
153. - I JUST HAVE A FEW
MORE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, ANN.Copy !req
154. "WHAT IF HE SHOWS UP
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?Copy !req
155. "WHAT IF ONE OF MY SLEEVES
CATCHES ON FIRECopy !req
156. "AND IT SPREADS RAPIDLY?Copy !req
157. "WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF TIC TACS,Copy !req
158. "I ACCIDENTALLY POP
A COUPLE OF AMBIEN,Copy !req
159. AND I HAVE TO KEEP PUNCHING
MY LEG TO STAY AWAKE?"Copy !req
160. - THOSE ARE
ALL INSANE HYPOTHETICALS,Copy !req
161. AND I PROMISE YOU
THEY WON'T HAPPEN.Copy !req
162. - THEY HAVE HAPPENED.Copy !req
163. ALL OF THESE
HAVE HAPPENED TO ME.Copy !req
164. UH, NO, THERE'S MORE.Copy !req
165. ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK
AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VINEGAR.Copy !req
166. I THOUGHT IT WAS
TERRIBLE WINE.Copy !req
167. ONCE, I WENT OUT WITH A GUY
WHO WORE 3-D GLASSESCopy !req
168. THE ENTIRE EVENING.Copy !req
169. OH, ONE TIME,
I RODE IN A SIDECARCopy !req
170. ON A GUY'S MOTORCYCLE,Copy !req
171. AND THE SIDECAR DETACHEDCopy !req
172. AND WENT DOWN
A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.Copy !req
173. ANOTHER TIME, I WENT TO A REALLY
BORING MOVIE WITH A GUY,Copy !req
174. AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP,Copy !req
175. HE TRIED TO PULL OUT
ONE OF MY TEETH.Copy !req
176. I LITERALLY WOKE UP
WITH HIS HAND IN MY MOUTH.Copy !req
177. WE WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES
AFTER THAT,Copy !req
178. BUT THEN HE GOT WEIRD.Copy !req
179. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.Copy !req
180. I'M A GROWN WOMAN, BUT I'M
JUST NOT GOOD ON FIRST DATES.Copy !req
181. - OH. OKAY.
OKAY, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,Copy !req
182. AND THIS IS
HOW WE'RE GONNA FIX IT.Copy !req
183. - I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
I WEAR AN EARPIECE,Copy !req
184. YOU SIT AT A TABLE NEARBY,
YOU SPEAK INTO A MIKE,Copy !req
185. YOU TELL ME WHAT TO SAY
ON THE DATE,Copy !req
186. BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
ANN, IT NEVER WORKS.Copy !req
187. - NO, NO, NO,
WE ARE GONNA GO TO A RESTAURANTCopy !req
188. AND HAVE A PRACTICE DATE.Copy !req
189. I WILL PRETEND TO BE DAVE,
AND YOU WILL PRACTICE ON ME.Copy !req
190. - OH, THAT'S
A WAY BETTER IDEA.Copy !req
191. HEY, DAVE, IT'S ME.
IT'S LESLIE.Copy !req
192. - HI, LESLIE,
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.Copy !req
193. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT
QUITE YET.Copy !req
194. - OH! SO, DAVE,
LET'S BEGIN OUR CONVERSATION.Copy !req
195. - WHAT'S ON THE NOTE CARDS?Copy !req
196. - THEY'RE POSSIBLE TOPICS
OF CONVERSATION.Copy !req
197. WHALES, PARADES,
ELECTRICITY...Copy !req
198. AND THE REST ARE BLANK.Copy !req
199. - YEAH, WELL, I COULDN'T
THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.Copy !req
200. - LESLIE'S IN WORSE SHAPE
THAN I THOUGHT.Copy !req
201. - IS SHE PRACTICE LAUGHING?Copy !req
202. - OH, DAVE.
YOU—AHEM.Copy !req
203. - THE DANISH CALL IT
OPPE OG NEDE APPARAT,Copy !req
204. WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATED
MEANSCopy !req
205. "THE UP AND DOWN MACHINE."Copy !req
206. - WOW. THAT'S A THOROUGH HISTORY
OF THE TEETER-TOTTER.Copy !req
207. - NOW I'M GONNA TALK ABOUTCopy !req
208. THE LOCAL FLORA AND FAUNA
FOUND IN PAWNEE.Copy !req
209. - OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST ASK ME A QUESTION.Copy !req
210. JUST TRY TO GET TO KNOW ME.Copy !req
211. - OKAY.Copy !req
212. I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING
TO ASK YOU.Copy !req
213. I'M SORRY.
MY MIND IS BLANK.Copy !req
214. - JUST ASK ME THE FIRST THING
THAT COMES TO YOUR HEAD.Copy !req
215. - HOW BIG IS IT?Copy !req
216. - REALLY?
- OH, MY GOD.Copy !req
217. - HEY, TOMMY. HI.Copy !req
218. YOU READY?Copy !req
219. - YES, I AM.
JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND.Copy !req
220. HEY, DONNA,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.Copy !req
221. DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE?Copy !req
222. - EXCUSE ME?Copy !req
223. - 'CAUSE APPARENTLY
IN 1988,Copy !req
224. YOU DONATED MONEYCopy !req
225. TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
FOR...Copy !req
226. DAVID DUKE!Copy !req
227. - THE KKK GUY?Copy !req
228. - I GOT A PHONE CALL.Copy !req
229. THEY SAID
HE WOULD LOWER TAXES.Copy !req
230. - BOOM!Copy !req
231. HOW'S IT FEEL
TO LOSE SO HARD?Copy !req
232. I'M SORRY, HONEY.
LET'S GET COFFEE.Copy !req
233. RE-RON, YOU REMEMBER
MY WIFE, WENDY HAVERFORD.Copy !req
234. - OF COURSE.
HOW ARE THINGS AT THE HOSPITAL?Copy !req
235. - UH, VERY GOOD,
THANK YOU.Copy !req
236. I JUST GOT A PEDIATRIC
SURGERY FELLOWSHIP.Copy !req
237. - OH, NICE.Copy !req
238. - WE'RE CELEBRATING,
'CAUSE SHE'S SUPER RICHCopy !req
239. AND SUPER HOT ALSO.Copy !req
240. - OKAY, COME ON, TOMMY.
CUT IT OUT.Copy !req
241. - YOU'RE SUPER HOT.Copy !req
242. EVERYBODY ELSE
HAS TO DEAL WITH IT.Copy !req
243. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
SEE YOU LATER, RON.Copy !req
244. - I'VE ESTABLISHED
A SCIENTIFICALLY PERFECTCopy !req
245. TEN-POINT SCALE
OF HUMAN BEAUTY.Copy !req
246. WENDY IS A 7.4,Copy !req
247. WHICH IS WAY TOO HIGH
FOR TOM,Copy !req
248. WHO IS A 3.8.Copy !req
249. TEN IS TENNIS LEGEND
STEFFI GRAF.Copy !req
250. - HI, DAVE.Copy !req
251. - YOU'RE LATE,Copy !req
252. AND I CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES
THROUGH YOUR DRESS.Copy !req
253. - WHAT? NO. REALLY?Copy !req
254. - IN NURSING SCHOOL,
WE TOOK A PSYCH COURSECopy !req
255. ON HOW TO TREAT PHOBIASCopy !req
256. WITH A METHOD CALLED
EXPOSURE THERAPY.Copy !req
257. SO LIKE IF YOU WERE
AFRAID OF SNAKES,Copy !req
258. THEY WOULD IMMERSE YOU
IN A TANK OF SNAKES,Copy !req
259. SO I AM GOING TO IMMERSE LESLIE
IN A TANK OF BAD DATE.Copy !req
260. YOU'RE 20 MINUTES LATE.
I ALMOST LEFT.Copy !req
261. - OKAY. WELL, I WAS, UH...
DROPPING MY NIECE OFF.Copy !req
262. - WHAT'S YOUR NIECE'S NAME?Copy !req
263. - TORPLE. WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
264. THAT'S NOT A NAME.
I DON'T HAVE A NIECE.Copy !req
265. - MY NIECE'S NAME
IS STEPHANIE?Copy !req
266. - STOP LYING!
- HEY, LOOK, THERE'S BREAD!Copy !req
267. YOU WANT SOME—OH, NO!Copy !req
268. OH, I GOT FLOWERS IN YOUR SOUP.
I'M SO SORRY, UM...Copy !req
269. JUST—I HAVE TO GO
TO THE, UM...Copy !req
270. WHIZZ PALACE.
YOU KNOW, DAVE, THE—Copy !req
271. THE PLACE WHERE YOU—Copy !req
272. YOU KNOW, THE TOILET THING.Copy !req
273. IT'S A BATHROOM!Copy !req
274. IT'S CALLED A BATHROOM!Copy !req
275. - HEY, MARK, UM,
A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD MECopy !req
276. THAT YOU HAVE
ONE UNPAID PARKING TICKET.Copy !req
277. - THAT'S FUNNY,
BECAUSE A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD MECopy !req
278. THAT YOUR ADOPTIVE MOTHERCopy !req
279. WAS ARRESTED
FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION.Copy !req
280. - OH, SNAP!Copy !req
281. - WHAT?
- YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, HUH?Copy !req
282. - I DIDN'T KNOW
I WAS ADOPTED.Copy !req
283. - OH, NO. OH, JERRY.Copy !req
284. OH, JERRY, I'M SO SORRY.Copy !req
285. - I REALLY DIDN'T
WANT TO PLAY.Copy !req
286. - THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION.Copy !req
287. - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.Copy !req
288. HE TOTALLY BAITED YOU
WITH THAT UNPAID PARKING TICKET.Copy !req
289. - TOM, COULD YOU
COME INTO MY OFFICE?Copy !req
290. TOM-MATO SAUCE.Copy !req
291. - RON-TANAMO BAY.Copy !req
292. - DO BE SEATED,Copy !req
293. AND CONGRATULATE ME.Copy !req
294. - FOR WHAT?Copy !req
295. - WINNING THE GAME.Copy !req
296. I JUST FOUND OUT,Copy !req
297. THROUGH SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE
INVESTIGATING,Copy !req
298. THAT YOUR WEDDING
WAS A SHAM.Copy !req
299. IT'S A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE.Copy !req
300. - THAT'S CRAZY. I WAS BORN
IN SOUTH CAROLINA.Copy !req
301. THESE COLORS DON'T RUN,
BABY.Copy !req
302. - YES, BUT WENDY
WAS BORN IN OTTAWA...Copy !req
303. CANADA!Copy !req
304. HER VISA WAS SET TO EXPIRECopy !req
305. THE DAY
AFTER YOU GOT MARRIEDCopy !req
306. AT THE COUNTY COURTHOUSECopy !req
307. IN FRONT OF THREE STRANGERS
AND NO FAMILY.Copy !req
308. - OKAY, WE MET IN COLLEGE.Copy !req
309. SHE WANTED TO WORK
IN THE STATES.Copy !req
310. SHE COULDN'T GET A PERMIT.Copy !req
311. - I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
GET A WIFE AS HOT AS HER.Copy !req
312. - SERIOUSLY, RON,
GAMES ASIDE,Copy !req
313. YOU GOT TO KEEP THIS BETWEEN US.
DON'T TELL ANYBODY, PLEASE.Copy !req
314. - COME ON, DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GONNA TURN YOU IN.Copy !req
315. JUST ADMIT THAT WHEN IT COMES
TO DIGGING UP DIRT,Copy !req
316. I BESTED YOU IN THIS GAME.Copy !req
317. SAY IT.
SAY "I BESTED YOU."Copy !req
318. - FINE, YOU BESTED ME.
IS THAT ALL?Copy !req
319. - NO.Copy !req
320. I'LL HAVE YOUR WIFE TONIGHT.Copy !req
321. - WHAT?Copy !req
322. - NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.Copy !req
323. GET OUT OF HERE.Copy !req
324. - WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, DAVE?Copy !req
325. THAT DOG WAS LIKE MY
BEST FRIEND, AND WHEN SHE DIED—Copy !req
326. - BRRING BRRING,
BRRING BRRING, BRRING.Copy !req
327. HEY, TIFFANY.Copy !req
328. YEAH, I DEFINITELY
WANT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT.Copy !req
329. NO, I CAN'T REALLY TALK
RIGHT NOW,Copy !req
330. 'CAUSE I'M A DATE
WITH THIS DRIP.Copy !req
331. HEY, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH
A PORNO AFTER THISCopy !req
332. WITH ME AND MY WIFE?Copy !req
333. - NO, DAVE,
'CAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING.Copy !req
334. - SO IT'S DEFINITELY A NO?Copy !req
335. - I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU'RE BEING SO TERRIBLE.Copy !req
336. WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE
TRYING TO GO ON A DATE.Copy !req
337. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.
IT'S JUST A DATE.Copy !req
338. - YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS.Copy !req
339. WELL DONE.Copy !req
340. SORRY I HAD TO GET
ALL MEDICAL ON YOU,Copy !req
341. BUT NOW YOU SEE THAT
EVEN IF EVERYTHING GOES WRONG,Copy !req
342. YOU'LL SURVIVE.Copy !req
343. - WELL, WELL, WELL.Copy !req
344. YOU COY BASTARD.Copy !req
345. - MARK.Copy !req
346. - TOM.Copy !req
347. - YOU HATE RON, RIGHT?Copy !req
348. - NO, I THINK RON IS FINE.Copy !req
349. - SO WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.Copy !req
350. YOU GOT TO HELP ME
TAKE THIS GUY DOWN.Copy !req
351. THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING ON HIM.Copy !req
352. - TOM, I'M STARTING TO FEEL
KIND OF GROSS ABOUT THIS GAME.Copy !req
353. - IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GAME
ANYMORE.Copy !req
354. RON HAS SOME SERIOUS DIRT ON ME.
I NEED TO BALANCE THINGS OUT.Copy !req
355. YOU MUST KNOW
HOW THAT FEELS.Copy !req
356. YOU GOT TONS OF DIRT
IN YOUR PAST.Copy !req
357. PLEASE, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.Copy !req
358. - THERE IS A MAN
NAMED DUKE SILVER.Copy !req
359. HE HANGS OUT AT A BAR
IN EAGLETON.Copy !req
360. HE'S AN OLD FRIEND
OF RON'S.Copy !req
361. MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM.Copy !req
362. - THANKS, MAN.Copy !req
363. I'M GONNA DIG UP
SO MUCH DIRT ON THIS GUY,Copy !req
364. THERE'S GONNA BE WORMS
ALL OVER THE PLACE.Copy !req
365. IT SOUNDED SNAPPIER IN MY HEAD.
- YEAH.Copy !req
366. - ANN IS SO AWESOME.Copy !req
367. I'M LUCKY TO HAVE A FRIEND
WHO WOULD SPEND A WHOLE DAYCopy !req
368. BEING SO MEAN TO ME.Copy !req
369. CATCH.Copy !req
370. I DON'T NEED YOUR DRESS ANYMORE.Copy !req
371. I'M GONNA WEAR
MY OWN STUFF.Copy !req
372. ME POWER.Copy !req
373. - GOOD. YOU'RE
OFFICIALLY FIRST DATE-PROOF.Copy !req
374. - THANK YOU, DAVE.Copy !req
375. - MM-MM. LISTEN...Copy !req
376. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
THAT HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE YOU.Copy !req
377. HE'S GONNA FREAK OUT
ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE.Copy !req
378. - NO, HE'S NOT.Copy !req
379. - YES, HE IS.
HE'S GONNA LOVE YOU.Copy !req
380. YOU'RE COOL, AND YOU'RE SEXY,Copy !req
381. AND YOU'RE FUNNY,
AND YOU'RE SMART.Copy !req
382. ANY GUY WOULD BE
LUCKY TO DATE YOU.Copy !req
383. - YEAH!
- YEAH! HELL, YEAH!Copy !req
384. - HELL, YEAH!
I AM AWESOME!Copy !req
385. - YOU ARE AWESOME.
- YEAH!Copy !req
386. - AND YOU ARE, TOO.Copy !req
387. - THANK YOU.Copy !req
388. - YOU ARE, TOO.
- THANK YOU.Copy !req
389. - YOU ARE, TOO, ANN!
- OKAY!Copy !req
390. YOU'RE AWESOME.
- YOU'RE AWESOME.Copy !req
391. HELP, POLICE!Copy !req
392. HELP! HELP!Copy !req
393. - HEY.Copy !req
394. - LOOK, I KNOW TODAY
IS TODAY,Copy !req
395. AND IT'S NOT TOMORROW,
BUT I FELT LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOWCopy !req
396. THAT I'M AWESOME,
AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME.Copy !req
397. AND, UM, I THINK
OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW'SCopy !req
398. GONNA GO AWESOME,
OFF THE CHARTS.Copy !req
399. UM, AMAZING. UP TOP.Copy !req
400. ALL RIGHT,
LET'S DO THIS BITCH!Copy !req
401. I'M NOT SCARED.Copy !req
402. CAN I COME IN
AND SIT DOWN FOR A BIT?Copy !req
403. 'CAUSE I WALKED HERE
'CAUSE OF THE DRINKING.Copy !req
404. - I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
405. - I DO KNOW.Copy !req
406. I'M COMING INSIDE, SO MOVE.
OKAY?Copy !req
407. YOU MAKE A BETTER DOOR
THAN A GUY.Copy !req
408. - HEY, THIS IS GONNA
SOUND WEIRD.Copy !req
409. I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY
NAMED DUKE SILVER.Copy !req
410. - YEAH, HE GOES ON
IN A SECOND.Copy !req
411. - LADIES, LADIES, LADIES,
IT'S JUST ABOUT THAT TIME.Copy !req
412. IT'S WITH THE JAZZIEST PLEASURE
THAT I BRING OUT FOR YOUCopy !req
413. MY MAN, MR. DUKE SILVER.Copy !req
414. - THANK YOU, DWAYNE.Copy !req
415. AS ALWAYS, IT IS A THRILLCopy !req
416. TO BE HERE
DURING THIS WITCHING HOURCopy !req
417. WITH YOU LOVELY LADIES.Copy !req
418. NOW RELAX
AND LET THE DUKE SILVER TRIOCopy !req
419. TAKE YOU ON A LITTLE JOURNEY...
TO YOURSELF.Copy !req
420. - ANN WAS HELPING ME,Copy !req
421. BECAUSE I WAS PANICKING
ABOUT TOMORROW.Copy !req
422. - DID I SAY SOMETHING
TO MAKE YOU WORRY ABOUT TO—Copy !req
423. - NO! NO, JUST THE WHOLE IDEA
OF FIRST DATESCopy !req
424. JUST KIND OF FREAK ME OUT.Copy !req
425. BUT NOT ANYMORE.Copy !req
426. I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
THAT I WAS SCAREDCopy !req
427. TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU.Copy !req
428. I MEAN, YOU SHOULD BE
SCARED OF ME.Copy !req
429. - OKAY.Copy !req
430. - I THINK I NEED
TO RETURN THIS SWEATER.Copy !req
431. I THINK IT FUSED WITH MY SHIRT
IN THE DRYER OR SOMETHING.Copy !req
432. - I THINK THAT'S
A SWEATER-SHIRT COMBO.Copy !req
433. - I THINK IT'S GOING
PRETTY WELL WITH DAVE.Copy !req
434. HE WANTS ME.Copy !req
435. I CAN TOTALLY TELL
THAT HE WANTS ME.Copy !req
436. - HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE.Copy !req
437. YOU KNOW I'M HERE, RIGHT?Copy !req
438. - DID YOU SEE MY BRA? HMM?Copy !req
439. BEEP-BOOP.Copy !req
440. GUESS WHAT? I'M WEARING
THE HOT ONE TOMORROW,Copy !req
441. THE BLACK ONE.
- OKAY.Copy !req
442. - CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?Copy !req
443. - YES.Copy !req
444. - ARE YOU IMPRESSED
THAT I KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED?Copy !req
445. - MAYBE I OUGHT
TO GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME.Copy !req
446. - OH, GOOD. WELL, IN LONDON,
THEY CALL THE ELEVATORS LIFTS,Copy !req
447. SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
AN ELEVATOR HOME?Copy !req
448. NO, THANK YOU.
- OKAY, LET'S GO.Copy !req
449. - OKAY.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE PUB...Copy !req
450. - THAT'S RIGHT.
- AND GET A PINT.Copy !req
451. WE'LL PUT OUR KNICKERS
IN THE BEATLE RECORDS.Copy !req
452. THIS IS AN ENGLISH ACCENT.Copy !req
453. - WHAT I CANNOT BELIEVE
IS DEXHART'S WIFE.Copy !req
454. I MEAN, HOW CLUELESS
CAN YOU GET?Copy !req
455. HOW DID SHE NOT KNOW
THIS WAS GOING ON?Copy !req
456. MORE IMPORTANTLY,
HOW DOES SHE STAY WITH HIMCopy !req
457. AFTER ALL THIS?Copy !req
458. - HEY, CAN I HELP YOU
AT, UH...Copy !req
459. 11:48 P.M.?Copy !req
460. - OKAY, HERE'S THE WHOLE THING.Copy !req
461. HERE ARE ALL MY SKELETONS.Copy !req
462. WHEN I WAS 16, I HAD SEX
WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.Copy !req
463. - RIGHT.Copy !req
464. - WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,Copy !req
465. I SMOKED A DECENT AMOUNT
OF POT.Copy !req
466. - UH-HUH.
- NOTHING INSANE.Copy !req
467. - WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?Copy !req
468. - WHAT I'M DOING, ANN,
IS I'M TRYING TO TELL YOUCopy !req
469. THAT I'VE DONE SOME STUFF
THAT I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF,Copy !req
470. AND I LIKE YOU,Copy !req
471. SO I WOULD RATHER
YOU NOT FIND OUT ABOUT THISCopy !req
472. FROM ANYONE BUT ME.Copy !req
473. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.Copy !req
474. NO, NO, IT'S... IT'S FINE.Copy !req
475. I GET WHAT THIS ISCopy !req
476. AND WHY YOU DID IT.Copy !req
477. - IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARECopy !req
478. FROM YOUR PAST TO
SORT OF BALANCE THE SCALES?Copy !req
479. - YEAH. ONE TIME, THIS GUY RANG
MY DOORBELL AT MIDNIGHTCopy !req
480. TO BRAG ABOUT GETTING LAID
WHEN HE WAS 16, SO I SHOT HIM.Copy !req
481. - IT'S BEEN A REAL GIFT MAKING
SONIC LOVE TO YOU TONIGHT.Copy !req
482. IF YOU WANT MORE OF THE DUKE,Copy !req
483. BOTH MY ALBUMS
ARE FOR SALE HERE—Copy !req
484. SMOOTH AS SILVER
AND HI HO, DUKE.Copy !req
485. AND LOOK FOR MY NEW CD
NEXT MONTH,Copy !req
486. MEMORIES OF NOW.Copy !req
487. SO COME SEE ME,
COME TALK TO ME,Copy !req
488. COME LOVE WITH ME,Copy !req
489. AND MAYBE WE CAN
WALK THROUGH FIRE TOGETHER.Copy !req
490. THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHTCopy !req
491. - DUKE! HUGE FAN.Copy !req
492. - LOOK, TOM, I IMAGINECopy !req
493. YOU'LL WANT TO TELL EVERYONE
ABOUT THIS,Copy !req
494. BUT I HAVE WORKED
PRETTY HARDCopy !req
495. TO CULTIVATE
A CERTAIN AUTHORITATIVECopy !req
496. OR INTIMIDATING IMAGE
AROUND THE OFFICE.Copy !req
497. - CAN I GET A PICTURE?
- SURE.Copy !req
498. - SAY, "I BESTED YOU."Copy !req
499. - I BESTED YOU.Copy !req
500. - ALL RIGHT.
THANKS FOR LOVIN' THE DUKE.Copy !req
501. - THAT—
THAT WAS A LOVELY PHOTO.Copy !req
502. - TRUCE?Copy !req
503. - TRUCE.Copy !req
504. YOU'RE KIDDING ME.Copy !req
505. - NO, I'M NOT.Copy !req
506. - YOU SHOWED UP
AT THE GUY'S HOUSE,Copy !req
507. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,
DRUNK,Copy !req
508. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP
WITH HIM?Copy !req
509. - SHOULD I HAVE?
- IT NEVER HURTS.Copy !req
510. - GOD.Copy !req
511. - HEY.Copy !req
512. - HEY.Copy !req
513. - HEY!Copy !req
514. - UH, AHEM, YOU, UH...Copy !req
515. YOU LEFT QUITE A BIT OF STUFF
AT MY PLACE LAST NIGHT—Copy !req
516. PURSE AND EARRINGS
AND A SHOE.Copy !req
517. - I AM SO SORRY
FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.Copy !req
518. ON MY LIST
OF EMBARRASSING THINGSCopy !req
519. THAT I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE,
THAT WAS...Copy !req
520. NUMBERS ONE THROUGH SEVEN.Copy !req
521. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND
IF YOU WANT TO CANCEL.Copy !req
522. - IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN MAKE IT UP
TO ME TONIGHTCopy !req
523. ON OUR SECOND DATE.Copy !req
524. - SECOND?Copy !req
525. - WELL, YEAH, LAST NIGHT
WAS OUR FIRST DATE,Copy !req
526. SO THAT WOULD MAKE TONIGHT
OUR SECOND.Copy !req
527. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.Copy !req
528. 8:00?Copy !req
529. - 8:00.Copy !req
530. - YOU LIKE DANCING?Copy !req
531. - YEAH.Copy !req
532. - I DON'T LIKE DANCING.Copy !req
533. - WE DON'T HAVE TO GO.
- OKAY.Copy !req
534. - WELL, WE WENT
ON OUR FIRST DATE,Copy !req
535. AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT,
A.K.A. I NAILED IT.Copy !req
536. NO FIRES, NO AMBULANCES.Copy !req
537. JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
SHOWING UP DRUNKCopy !req
538. AT A GUY'S HOUSE
LATE AT NIGHT.Copy !req
539. - HOWEVER, I WANT TO BE CLEAR.Copy !req
540. I HAVE NO PLANS
TO RESIGN.Copy !req
541. - IS IT WEIRD
THAT MY FEELINGS ARE HURTCopy !req
542. THAT NO ONE'S FOUND
ANY DIRT ON ME YET?Copy !req
543. HELLO!Copy !req
544. I DROVE A RIDING LAWN MOWER
THROUGH A NORDSTROM!Copy !req
545. THERE'S VIDEO THAT I TOOK!
IT'S ON THE INTERNET.Copy !req
546. NOTHING.Copy !req
547. - JERRY, PLASTIC SURGERY?Copy !req
548. - I GOT HIT
BY A FIRE ENGINE.Copy !req
549. - YOU ARE SO LUCKY.Copy !req
550. - HOW?Copy !req