Parks and Recreation 2x23

1. - OKAY, OPEN THIS ONE. HERE, I'LL HELP YOU.

2. - WHOA! DOCUMENTS.

3. - YES.

4. THIS IS YOUR ORIGINAL INTERN APPLICATION,

5. YOUR ORIGINAL PARKING PASS.

6. THIS IS YOUR ORIGINAL PHOTO I.D.

7. - DID YOU GET THAT OUT OF MY PURSE?

8. - DOESN'T MATTER.

9. AND THIS IS A COPY OF YOUR VERY FIRST PAYCHECK.

10. - WHO'S THAT FROM?

11. - ME. IT'S FROM ME.

12. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

13. - THANK YOU, LESLIE.

14. - OPEN MINE. - IT IS. IT'S NICE.

15. I MEAN, IT CAN BE A LITTLE SAPPY AND SENTIMENTAL

16. TO KIND OF FRAME THINGS, BUT IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO REMEMBER

17. THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THE START.

18. AND WHEN YOU— - AH!

19. - RON, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

20. - SHE'S AN ADULT NOW.

21. SHE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO RESPONSIBLY HANDLE

22. AND DISCHARGE A WEAPON.

23. THAT THERE IS A SIG SAUER .22-CALIBER MOSQUITO,

24. MANUFACTURED IN SWITZERLAND FOR THEIR PUSSY POLICE FORCE.

25. THIS TWO-TONED, LIGHTWEIGHT MODEL

26. IS PERFECT FOR A SKINNY, LITTLE THING LIKE YOU.

27. - GEE, THANKS, RON.

28. - I WILL HOLD ON TO THIS FOR YOU

29. UNTIL WE GET YOU LICENSED UP,

30. AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU FOR SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

31. - GOODY.

32. - YEAH, I DO FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY.

33. I'M RE-GIFTING.

34. - OH, THAT'S GREAT.

35. I'D LOVE TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR FAMILY VACATION.

36. - HEY. - OH, THANK GOD.

37. GET OUT, KYLE.

38. HELLO, BIRTHDAY GIRL.

39. HA!

40. DID YOU LIKE THAT? - YES.

41. - THAT HIGH FIVE WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

42. JUST KIDDING. THAT WASN'T IT.

43. I GOT YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

44. I WROTE YOU A SONG.

45. - REALLY? - YEAH.

46. YEAH. - WHAT'S IT CALLED?

47. - I'M NOT TELLING, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

48. IT'S NAMED AFTER A MONTH OUT OF THE YEAR.

49. - SO APRIL?

50. - NO.

51. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN WAY BETTER.

52. - UM...

53. WELL, WHATEVER. I CAN REWRITE THE LYRICS.

54. - UM, ARE YOU COMING TO MY PARTY?

55. - YEAH. I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD.

56. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - OKAY, COOL.

57. - OKAY. - UM, WELL...

58. WE'LL HANG OUT THEN.

59. - OKAY.

60. - IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

61. YES, I AM 21 YEARS OLD TODAY...

62. WHICH IS THE AGE THAT PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE AGREES

63. MAKES YOU AN ADULT.

64. - "IN THE WORDS

65. "OF THE GREAT 19TH-CENTURY OUTDOORSMAN JACK LONDON,

66. "'YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR INSPIRATION.

67. "YOU HAVE TO GO AFTER IT WITH A CLUB.'

68. "WITH THOSE WORDS RINGING IN OUR EARS,

69. "WE PROUDLY PRESENT OUR PLANS FOR A NEW PARK

70. ON MUNICIPAL LOT 48."

71. - THAT'S GOOD.

72. - I KNOW.

73. THE YEARLY BUDGET AND PLANNING PROPOSAL FOR A CITY

74. IS CALLED THE "MASTER PLAN."

75. AH, ISN'T THAT JUST SO AWESOME YOU CAN'T STAND IT?

76. IT'S MOSTLY FILLED WITH BORING, BUREAUCRATIC LANGUAGE,

77. SO I TRY TO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE.

78. "SO I SAY THE FUNCTION OF MAN IS TO LIVE, NOT TO EXIST.

79. "I WOULD RATHER THAT MY SPARK SHOULD BURN OUT

80. "IN A BRILLIANT BLAZE

81. THAN IT SHOULD BE STIFLED BY DRY ROT."

82. YOU WROTE THAT?

83. - JACK LONDON, AGAIN.

84. IS THERE TOO MANY JACK LONDON QUOTES?

85. - NO, NO.

86. - YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH.

87. - THAT IS EASILY THE MOST EXCITING BUDGET PROPOSAL

88. I'VE EVER HEARD.

89. - WELL, I'M PRESENTING IT TODAY.

90. AND IF IT FLIES, WE ARE GONNA GET OUR MONEY TO BUILD A PARK.

91. I MEAN, IT ONLY TOOK US 15 MONTHS TO DO THIS.

92. - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. - WOULD'VE TAKEN 13 MONTHS

93. IF YOU HAD AGREED TO WORK ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT STILL,

94. IT'S GREAT.

95. - IT'S AMAZING.

96. WELL, THE MEETING'S AT 10:00.

97. COME OVER TO MY OFFICE FOR CHAMPAGNE AFTER.

98. - I DON'T THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.

99. - OH, RIGHT. MARK.

100. OH. AWKWARD.

101. I ENDED THINGS WITH MARK A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO,

102. AND...

103. I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT IT.

104. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

105. DO NOT MISS TONIGHT'S APRIL LUDGATE BIRTHDAY BASH.

106. 9:00 P.M. AT THE WORLD-FAMOUS SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE—

107. THE PLACE THE PAWNEE JOURNAL HAS CALLED

108. THE SEXIEST, MOST DANGEROUS CLUB IN TOWN.

109. - THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WROTE. - FINE.

110. I ADDED THE WORD "SEXIEST,"

111. BUT WE'VE HIRED BETTER SECURITY.

112. YES, I AM A GOOD FRIEND FOR THROWING THE PARTY.

113. I'M ALSO A GENIUS, BECAUSE I'M USING THE OCCASION

114. TO STOCK THE CLUB WITH EVERY AVAILABLE HOTTIE I KNOW.

115. CALL ME A ROMANTIC,

116. BUT I BELIEVE BY THE END OF THE NIGHT,

117. I WILL HAVE BETWEEN ONE AND FOUR NEW GIRLFRIENDS.

118. - OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR LITTLE GIRL'S ALL GROWN UP.

119. OH, DAMN THE WHEEL OF THE WORLD.

120. WHY MUST IT CONTINUALLY TURN OVER?

121. - JACK LONDON.

122. - YEAH. - NICE.

123. - OKAY, LET'S GO, BOSS.

124. WE HAVE A MEETING TO GO TO. - YAY.

125. ONCE A YEAR, EVERY BRANCH OF THIS GOVERNMENT

126. MEETS IN A ROOM AND ANNOUNCES

127. WHAT THEY INTEND TO WASTE TAXPAYER MONEY ON.

128. FOR A LIBERTARIAN SUCH AS MYSELF,

129. IT'S PHILOSOPHICALLY HORRIFYING.

130. THEY ALSO REALLY CHEAP OUT ON THE SNACKS.

131. HYDRAX COOKIES?

132. DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS AN OFF-BRAND HYDROX?

133. I DID NOT.

134. THEY'RE NOT BAD.

135. - GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

136. NOW, I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE YOUR BUDGET PRESENTATIONS READY,

137. BUT THERE'S A CHANGE OF PLANS.

138. DUE TO THE CRIPPLING GRIDLOCK IN CITY COUNSEL,

139. WE ARE POSTPONING

140. ALL PLANNING AND SPENDING DECISIONS INDEFINITELY.

141. - UM, UNTIL WHEN?

142. - INDEFINITELY.

143. - AND WHEN WILL THAT END? - LATER THAN NOW.

144. - SO THIS WEEK PROBABLY?

145. - LOOK, WE ARE BORDERING ON A FULL-BLOWN CRISIS, LESLIE.

146. THE STATE GOVERNMENT IS SENDING A TEAM

147. FROM INDIANAPOLIS TO TRY TO SOLVE

148. THIS BUDGET PROBLEM.

149. - "IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN MEETING IS CUT SHORT,

150. "IN THE EVENT I HAVE LARYNGITIS

151. "AND I CAN'T PRESENT THE MASTER PLAN,

152. IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN MEETING IS MOVED ONTO A BOAT..."

153. LOOK, I'M PREPARED FOR EVERY SITUATION...

154. EXCEPT FOR THE ONE WHERE THERE'S NO MASTER PLAN.

155. - JUST CALM DOWN.

156. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO.

157. - RON, THEY'RE STATE AUDITORS.

158. THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME AND PAT US ON THE BACK.

159. THEY'RE HERE TO SLASH AND BURN.

160. - WELL, I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.

161. THIS GOVERNMENT IS DISEASED.

162. IT'S LIKE A BIG, FAT, ANGRY SLOB

163. SPENDING MONEY IT DOESN'T HAVE ON CRAP IT DOESN'T NEED.

164. MMM, MMM, MMM.

165. ME WANT MORE POINTLESS SOCIAL PROGRAMS.

166. YUMMY, YUMMY, YUM.

167. - THAT'S WHAT GOVERNMENT DOES, RON.

168. IT PROVIDES SERVICES.

169. THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO ELIMINATE EVERYTHING WE DO.

170. WE GOTTA FIGHT THESE GUYS.

171. - THEY'VE BEEN SENT BY THE GOVERNOR.

172. THEY OUTRANK EVERYONE.

173. THERE'S NO FIGHT TO BE HAD HERE.

174. - YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT— I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT THEM,

175. EXCEPT THAT I AM!

176. - OKAY.

177. LESLIE...

178. WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE GET THIS ANGRY?

179. - WE COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 1,000 BY 7s,

180. AND WE THINK OF WARM BROWNIES.

181. GO DO THAT IN YOUR OFFICE.

182. - GO DO IT IN YOUR OFFICE.

183. - AND WE'LL WAIT FOR THESE GUYS TO SHOW UP.

184. - I'LL WAIT FOR YOU TO SHOW UP.

185. - YOU DON'T NEED TO BRING ANYTHING BUT YOUR GORGEOUS BODY.

186. AND GET THIS—COVER CHARGE IS NORMALLY $15.

187. SAY MY NAME AT THE DOOR, IT'S $13.50.

188. ANDY!

189. YOU COMING OUT TONIGHT, PART OWNER OF THE CLUB?

190. UH, YES.

191. LET ME ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION.

192. WHAT'S THE YOUNGEST A GIRL CAN BE

193. THAT IF, UH, WE GO OUT, I'M NOT A TOTAL SCUMBAG?

194. - YOU KNOW THE OLD RULE.

195. HALF YOUR AGE, PLUS SEVEN.

196. - HALF MY AGE PLUS SEVEN. OH, OKAY.

197. WELL, I'M 29 SO HALF OF...

198. 29... ADD SEVEN,

199. THAT'S ONLY 20... IS—

200. - 21... - 20 YEARS OLD.

201. - 21. - AND A HALF.

202. - 21 YEARS OLD AND A HALF.

203. - YEP. - YEP.

204. WE GOT THE SAME THING WITH THE EQUATION ON THAT ONE.

205. HERE'S THE THING.

206. WHAT IF SHE'S SLIGHTLY YOUNGER?

207. CAN I GO OUT WITH SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN THAT?

208. - PLEASE! YOU TOTALLY CAN.

209. - YEAH.

210. TOM SAYS IT'S OKAY.

211. THAT PROBABLY MEANS IT ISN'T OKAY.

212. - THANK YOU FOR MEETING WITH ME AGAIN.

213. I DON'T EVEN KNOW REALLY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

214. BUT I GUESS I JUST DON'T GET IT.

215. YOU KNOW, OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS SO GREAT.

216. - MARK, HONESTLY, IT WAS REALLY NICE.

217. BUT MAYBE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SO AMAZING

218. BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER DATED SOMEONE FOR SO LONG BEFORE.

219. - WELL, BUT, FOR EXAMPLE, WE BARELY EVER FOUGHT.

220. - THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

221. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT... SOMETIMES.

222. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MISS THE OTHER PERSON,

223. EVEN IF THEY'RE ONLY GONE FOR 20 MINUTES.

224. AND I JUST DIDN'T FEEL THAT.

225. DID YOU?

226. - MAN, I, UH...

227. I SHOULD'VE YELLED AT YOU WAY MORE.

228. - WELL, PAUL JUST CALLED.

229. THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

230. - OH, GOD, THEY'RE GONNA FIRE PEOPLE, AREN'T THEY?

231. YEAH, I AM TWO YEARS FROM MY PENSION.

232. RELAX, JERRY. WE DON'T KNOW THAT.

233. MAYBE THESE PEOPLE ARE VERY HELPFUL AND PLEASANT—

234. - HELLO. - HA! DEATH!

235. - DIVORCE FILINGS? - FOURTH FLOOR.

236. - HELLO, HELLO? - OH.

237. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU? HELLO, THERE.

238. - HI.

239. - CHRIS TRAEGER. THIS IS BEN.

240. - HELLO, GENTS. RON SWANSON.

241. - RON... SWANSON.

242. - OKAY.

243. - I'M DEPUTY DIRECTOR, LESLIE KNOPE.

244. - LESLIE... KNOPE.

245. IT IS FANTASTIC TO BE HERE.

246. - WOULD YOU GENTLEMEN LIKE A TOUR?

247. - OH, THERE IS QUITE LITERALLY

248. NOTHING I WOULD RATHER HAVE IN THE WORLD

249. THAN A TOUR OF THE PARKS AND RECREATION DEPARTMENT

250. OF THE GREAT CITY OF PAWNEE LED BY RON SWANSON...

251. AND LESLIE KNOPE.

252. - OKAY. - BEN?

253. - I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

254. - LET'S DO IT. - OKAY.

255. CHRIS IS THE MOST POSITIVE STATE BUDGET AUDITING CONSULTANT

256. I'VE EVER MET.

257. I MEAN, I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM,

258. AND IT WAS LIKE...

259. STARING INTO THE SUN.

260. - PEOPLE, WE ARE HERE FROM THE STATE BUDGET OFFICE

261. FROM INDIANAPOLIS.

262. OOH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

263. WELL, SIMPLY, WE ARE HERE TO TINKER WITH YOUR BUDGET.

264. THINK OF THE GOVERNMENT AS A BROKEN DOWN CAROUSEL.

265. WE'RE GONNA SLAP ON A NEW COAT OF PAINT,

266. WE'RE GONNA FIX THAT BROKEN SPEAKER SYSTEM,

267. AND WE ARE GONNA GET THOSE HAPPY KIDS

268. BACK UP ON THE HORSES WHERE THEY BELONG.

269. OKAY?

270. - YEAH.

271. - OKAY?

272. THERE IT IS.

273. MY, UH, PARTNER BEN IS GONNA STICK AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT.

274. AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL LATER.

275. ADIOS. - DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?

276. - I REALLY LIKE YOUR SHIRT.

277. - SO I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

278. WHERE YOU THINK THERE'S WASTE WITHIN YOUR DEPARTMENT.

279. - THERE IS NONE. - WHERE DO I START?

280. WHAT EXACTLY WILL YOU BE CUTTING?

281. AND HOW MUCH OF IT,

282. AND CAN I WATCH YOU DO IT WHILE EATING PORK CRACKLINS?

283. - OKAY, LET'S START WITH PERSONNEL.

284. WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT JERRY GERGICH?

285. - HE IS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

286. HE'S UNIVERSALLY ADORED HERE.

287. IF YOU FIRED HIM, THERE WOULD BE A REVOLT.

288. - OKAY, YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND

289. THAT JUST TO KEEP THIS TOWN AFLOAT,

290. WE PROBABLY HAVE TO CUT THE BUDGET

291. OF EVERY DEPARTMENT BY 40% OR 50%, OKAY?

292. - WELL, BUT CHRIS SAID THAT YOU JUST HAD TO,

293. YOU KNOW, TINKER WITH THINGS.

294. - YEAH, HE SAID THAT BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS A LOT BETTER THAN,

295. "WE'RE GOING TO GUT IT WITH A MACHETE."

296. OKAY?

297. - YOU'RE A JERK. - I'M SORRY?

298. - EASY.

299. - I'M SORRY, THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE IN A REAL TOWN,

300. WORKING IN A REAL BUILDING WITH REAL FEELINGS.

301. - THIS BUILDING HAS FEELINGS? - MAYBE.

302. THERE'S A LOT OF HISTORY IN THIS ONE—MAYBE IT DOES.

303. HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLASE ABOUT IT?

304. - BECAUSE I DIDN'T CAUSE THESE PROBLEMS, MISS KNOPE.

305. YOUR GOVERNMENT DID.

306. I'LL GET WHAT I NEED FROM THE SPREADSHEETS.

307. THANKS.

308. - WHAT'S A NOT-GAY WAY TO ASK HIM

309. TO GO CAMPING WITH ME?

310. - JEAN-RALPHIO. - LOOKIN' HOT, BIG T.

311. - WHAT?

312. DAMN, GIRL, WHO YOU TRYIN' TO IMPRESS?

313. JUST KIDDING, I KNOW.

314. - WALK AWAY. - YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

315. DONNA.

316. - JEAN-RALPHIO. - YEAH.

317. - GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY SHOT. - OH, THANKS.

318. BUT NOW THAT IT'S LEGAL, I'VE KIND OF LOST INTEREST.

319. - SUIT YOURSELF.

320. - SO I GUESS OUR AWESOME NEW PARK IS ON HOLD.

321. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY'RE GONNA CUT?

322. - NOPE.

323. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT AROUND.

324. YOU SHOULD COME UP WITH YOUR OWN BUDGET PLAN

325. AND JUST CONTROL YOUR OWN DESTINY.

326. - YEAH, I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY GOD LIKE THAT—

327. AN ANGRY, VENGEFUL GOD WHO JUST...

328. FIRES JERRY FOR NO REASON.

329. - YOU'D FIRE JERRY? - NOT NECESSARILY.

330. I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST BEEN A REALLY CRAPPY DAY.

331. WHERE WERE YOU EARLIER WHEN I CALLED?

332. TALKING TO MARK.

333. - AGAIN? - YEAH.

334. IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.

335. - YOU WANT TO GET SUPER DRUNK? - I REALLY DO.

336. - YEAH, WHERE'S OUR LADY? HEY. - HEY.

337. - I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS INSTRUMENTAL

338. IN GETTING TRISH CROWNED MISS PAWNEE.

339. WHAT WAS YOUR TALENT AGAIN?

340. OH, YEAH. LOOKING AMAZING.

341. HEY, LADIES, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DESIRE AT ALL BESIDES ME?

342. - SO FUNNY— YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

343. - I-I'M SERIOUS, THOUGH.

344. UM, ARE YOU INTO ME?

345. - WHAT?

346. - OH!

347. CHUG THAT BITCH! - OH, RULES ARE RULES.

348. - NO, ANN, LISTEN TO ME.

349. LISTEN TO ME, ANN.

350. I KNOW I HAD A MASTER PLAN,

351. AND IT ALL BLEW UP IN MY FACE, BUT YOU...

352. YOU CAME INTO A TOWN HALL MEETING,

353. AND WE MET, AND WE BECAME FRIENDS, AND THAT IS AWESOME.

354. - IT IS SO AWESOME. YOU ARE SO AWESOME.

355. I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU TOO.

356. BUT I NEED MORE BEER.

357. - OH, I'M GONNA GET YOU MORE BEER.

358. - YAY! - YAY!

359. - BEST FRIENDS OF EVER.

360. - HEY, APRIL. OH, MY GOSH.

361. YOU LOOK AMAZING.

362. - OH. - LET ME SEE.

363. - NO. - DO A TWIRL.

364. - NO. - THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

365. - NO, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

366. NO, LOOK. LOOK AT ME. - HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

367. - THANK YOU.

368. - UH, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK? OR—WAIT.

369. YEAH, I CAN SWING IT. CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

370. - WHISKEY, NEAT.

371. - WOW, YOU'RE NOT MESSING AROUND.

372. - NO, I'M NOT.

373. - BARKEEP.

374. - ANDY DWYER, IT IS SO AWESOME TO SEE YOU.

375. - HEY, YOU TOO. HOW ARE YOU?

376. - LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. WAS I A GOOD GIRLFRIEND?

377. - ANN, YOU WERE AN AWESOME GIRLFRIEND.

378. - REALLY? - YEAH.

379. - AW. - YEAH.

380. I MEAN, I WAS THE SCREWUP. - YEAH, YOU WERE.

381. - WE HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?

382. - GOD, I THINK SO.

383. I MEAN, WE FOUGHT A LOT. - I KNOW. I KNOW.

384. I KNOW THAT. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

385. - MM-HMM. - I'M HOT.

386. - IS THAT A QUESTION?

387. - UM, WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER— I CAN'T SEE YOU.

388. HERE.

389. - WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER... - OH, YES.

390. - WERE THERE TIMES THAT YOU WERE LIKE,

391. "IF I DON'T SEE ANN IN, LIKE, TEN SECONDS,

392. I'M GONNA DIE"?

393. - YES, ALL THE TIME.

394. - I LOVED ANDY,

395. LOVED HIM.

396. LOVED ANDY.

397. HE WAS A TOTALLY HELPLESS BABY WHEN WE MET.

398. I DATED HIM FOR THREE YEARS.

399. NOW HE'S AN ADULT WITH A JOB.

400. AND SOME OTHER GIRL IS GONNA REAP THE REWARDS

401. OF MY HARD WORK?

402. THAT'S BULL.

403. - AND I'M READING THIS, AND I'M LIKE,

404. "HOW COULD THEY HURT THOSE GORILLAS LIKE THAT?"

405. THEY'RE SUCH GENTLE, MAGNIFICENT CREATURES, YOU KNOW?

406. I'M AN ANIMAL LOVER. I DON'T KNOW.

407. HEY, I, UM, WANT YOU TO KEEP THIS BOTTLE CAP,

408. SO YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER ME AND THE FIRST TIME WE MET.

409. CLASSIC GAME— PLANT THE SEED,

410. HARVEST, LIKE, A HALF HOUR LATER.

411. - HERE YOU GO. SORRY THAT TOOK FOREVER.

412. GOD.

413. - HEY, BABY, YOU MISS ME? 'CAUSE I MISSED YOU.

414. OH, LOOK AT THIS. JEAN-RALPHIO.

415. - OH, HEY. ANDY.

416. - ANDY— THAT'S AN ALL RIGHT NAME.

417. THAT'S AN ALL RIGHT NAME.

418. - THANK YOU. - YEAH.

419. - ARE YOU GUYS—ARE YOU GUYS HANGING OUT TOGETHER?

420. - YEAH, UH, MAYBE.

421. YOU KNOW, HE ASKED ME OUT SO MANY TIMES,

422. I GUESS HE WORE ME DOWN.

423. I'M VERY PERSISTENT.

424. COME OVER HERE. COME OVER HERE.

425. - I CAN HEAR YOU. I CAN— - COME OVER HERE.

426. ONE TIME, I WAITED OUTSIDE A WOMAN'S HOUSE

427. FOR FIVE DAYS JUST TO SHOW HER HOW SERIOUS I WAS

428. ABOUT WANTING TO DRILL HER.

429. TURNS OUT, IT WAS THE WRONG HOUSE.

430. SHE LOVED THE STORY ANYWAY.

431. WE GOT TO THIRD BASE, OVER THE PANTS.

432. - THAT'S SO CUTE. - YEAH, SUPER CUTE.

433. - WOW. - RIGHT?

434. DO YOU WANT A REMY MARTIN? - PROBABLY GOOD.

435. - OKAY, I'LL GET YOU ONE.

436. TWO REMY MARTINS— HERE WE GO!

437. - YOU CAN HAVE MY REMY MARTIN FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

438. I THOUGHT SHE LIKED ME.

439. I GUESS I'M SUPER BAD AT PICKING UP SIGNALS.

440. BUT THAT RALPH MACCHIO GUY'S A TOTAL DOUCHE.

441. - DID I GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP?

442. EXCUSE ME. DID I GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP?

443. - WHAT? - UGH!

444. DID I GIVE ANY OF YOU GUYS A BOTTLE CAP?

445. YOU SURE?

446. WHO THE DID I GIVE A BOTTLE CAP TO?

447. - THIS PARTY SUCKS. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

448. - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY PARTY. - IT IS?

449. - YES. - I'M SORRY, BOO.

450. - I'M NOT SAYING WE'RE THE BEST BAND IN THE UNIVERSE,

451. BUT WE ARE, I WOULD SAY, HONESTLY,

452. THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD.

453. - I SHOULD WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT YOU—

454. ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT YOU.

455. YEAH, OKAY.

456. HEY, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

457. - SURE. - YEAH?

458. DO YOU HAVE A TAB I COULD PUT IT ON?

459. WAIT, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

460. - 25.

461. - MARK!

462. BRENDANAWICZ, HEY.

463. WHAT'S 25 DIVIDED 2 PLUS 7?

464. - 191/2.

465. - OKAY, I'M OLDER THAN THAT.

466. WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

467. HEY, THIS IS MY DEAR FRIEND, MARK BRENDANAWICZ.

468. - OH, WE ACTUALLY, UH, MET.

469. - OH, DUH!

470. YEAH, YOU GUYS TOTALLY SLEPT TOGETHER.

471. - I'LL TAKE THAT DRINK.

472. - SO YOU'RE WITH ANDY NOW?

473. NO, THAT MAKES SENSE.

474. IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK.

475. - YOU KNOW WHAT'S THIRSTY? - WHAT?

476. - YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

477. HOW THIRSTY I GET WHEN I'M WEIRD.

478. - MM-HMM. - WHEN I'M DRUNK.

479. BEN THE JERK IS HERE.

480. - WHO ARE? - THAT ONE.

481. THE ONE COMING OVER HERE. GET READY.

482. - OKAY, LESLIE, BE PROFESSIONAL.

483. - HI.

484. - HELLO, BEN.

485. - UM, LOOK, UH,

486. I KIND OF FEEL LIKE WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.

487. SO I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND—

488. - YEAH, WELL, SAVE YOUR BREATH, OKAY?

489. JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

490. BECAUSE THIS IS A PARTY WITH MY FRIENDS,

491. AND YOU'RE TRYING TO FIRE ALL MY FRIENDS.

492. - I—

493. - PLUS I JUST TALKED TO EVERYBODY IN THIS BAR

494. AND NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE.

495. - THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN AWHILE.

496. - YEAH, IT DID.

497. YOU'RE A COLD, CALLOUS PERSON,

498. AND YOU WANT TO KILL PEOPLE WITH MACHETES.

499. AND ANN IS RIGHT,

500. I SHOULD MAKE MY OWN PLAN

501. SO THAT YOU CAN'T HURT US, AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

502. - UM, OKAY, THEN I'LL— I'LL JUST SEE YOU TOMORROW.

503. - MM-HMM. - SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

504. - GET OUT OF HERE.

505. - LESLIE, THAT WAS SO PROFESSIONAL.

506. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

507. - THANK YOU.

508. - YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. - OW.

509. - I KNOW, ME TOO. BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

510. I THINK I MAY HAVE MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE LAST NIGHT.

511. OH, NO. WHO?

512. - I DON'T REMEMBER.

513. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT HAPPENED,

514. I JUST HAD THIS FEELING WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

515. LIKE I DEFINITELY KISSED SOMEBODY.

516. - NO—

517. - HEY. ANN.

518. HMM.

519. OH, THAT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

520. - YEAH, CRAZY.

521. - I MEAN, I LEFT AT 11:15

522. AND YOU WERE STILL RAGING PRETTY HARD.

523. - OH, I WAS. I WAS.

524. GOOD.

525. - YEAH. SO IT'S NOT JERRY.

526. - HELP ME.

527. - I'LL KEEP MY EAR TO THE GROUND.

528. - KNOPE! MY OFFICE!

529. - THAT'S LOUD. - WHY THE YELLING?

530. - HAVE A GOOD NIGHT LAST NIGHT?

531. - DID YOU ENJOY YOUR SECOND LOUD CONVERSATION WITH BEN?

532. THE STATE AUDITOR WHO HOLDS YOUR VERY FATE IN HIS HANDS

533. LIKE A TINY BIRD.

534. - YOU KNOW WHAT, HE DESERVED IT.

535. HE'S COLD AND UNFEELING, AND I YELLED AT HIM.

536. SO WHAT?

537. - BELIEVE ME, I WANT THIS GOVERNMENT CUT TO THE BONE.

538. BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU GETTING YOURSELF FIRED,

539. BECAUSE THEN I'LL HAVE TO DO STUFF.

540. GO APOLOGIZE.

541. - NO, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

542. ALL I DID WAS EXPRESS MYSELF,

543. FORCEFULLY,

544. DRUNKENLY.

545. AND I SPIT ON HIM A LITTLE BIT.

546. OKAY, I'LL GO APOLOGIZE.

547. - MM, MM.

548. LESLIE, LESLIE. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME.

549. - HI, YOU HAVE A LOT OF BOTTLES THERE.

550. - OH, YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE A VITAMIN?

551. B12? EVENING PRIMROSE OIL? WILLOW BARK? MAGNESIUM?

552. - NO, THANK YOU. - YOU SURE?

553. REALLY GOOD FOR HANGOVERS. - OKAY, I'LL TAKE ONE.

554. - I TAKE CARE OF MY BODY ABOVE ALL ELSE.

555. DIET, EXERCISE, SUPPLEMENTS, POSITIVE THINKING.

556. SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THAT THE FIRST HUMAN BEING

557. WHO WILL LIVE 150 YEARS HAS ALREADY BEEN BORN.

558. I BELIEVE I AM THAT HUMAN BEING.

559. SO. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE SO EARLY?

560. - I'M HERE TO SPEAK TO BEN, ACTUALLY.

561. - GREAT.

562. I'M GONNA LISTEN TO SOME OCEAN SOUNDS

563. AND SO SOME CHIN-UPS.

564. - SO I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR YESTERDAY.

565. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

566. - NOW WHAT I DID WAS OUT OF LINE. TWICE.

567. AND I WAS WORKED UP BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

568. YOU REPRESENT A THREAT TO MY DEPARTMENT.

569. - YOUR CITY COUNSEL AND YOUR MAYOR

570. ARE THE THREATS TO YOUR DEPARTMENT.

571. WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

572. TO GET YOU INTO THIS SITUATION, OKAY?

573. - OKAY, LOOK, BEN,

574. I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR CALLOUS ATTITUDE, OKAY?

575. - REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.

576. - OKAY.

577. - YOU MAY HOLD MY FATE IN YOUR HANDS LIKE A SMALL BIRD,

578. BUT I STILL THINK YOU'RE AN ASS.

579. - YOU WANNA GET A BEER?

580. - IT'S, LIKE, 10:30 IN THE MORNING.

581. - YEAH. YOU SEEM LIKE YOU COULD USE A BEER.

582. LET'S GET A BEER.

583. - WELL—

584. - OH, OH, OH, OH. DON'T KEEP HIM TOO LONG.

585. I NEED SOMEONE TO BE HERE WHEN I TAKE MY MULTIVITAMIN.

586. THERE'S A CHOKING HAZARD.

587. - OKAY, CAN WE GO?

588. - OH, MY GOD.

589. YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING

590. THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, DO YOU?

591. - NO. - WOW.

592. FOR ONCE, IT'S ANN WHO BLACKED OUT DRUNK

593. AND NOT ANDY.

594. - OKAY. - OH, MY GOSH.

595. THIS IS— THAT'S REALLY DANGEROUS.

596. - PLEASE TELL ME.

597. - THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUN

598. LETTING YOU DANGLE UNTIL I FINALLY REVEAL

599. THAT WE DID NOT MAKE OUT.

600. OH,

601. DAMN IT.

602. - GOOD. SEE YA.

603. - ALL RIGHT.

604. - HEY, I NEED TO SETTLE MY BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.

605. TOM HAVERFORD.

606. - OKAY.

607. WOW, YOU HAD 47 DRINKS LAST NIGHT?

608. TEN COSMOS, EIGHT SMIRNOFF ICES,

609. AND EVERYTHING ELSE STARTS WITH THE WORD POMEGRANATE.

610. AW. WAS IT YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY?

611. I INVITED A BUNCH OF GIRLS HERE LAST NIGHT,

612. AND THEY ALL PUT DRINKS ON MY TAB.

613. AND THEN I WENT HOME ALONE.

614. I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED.

615. - YOU INVITED A BUNCH OF GIRLS HERE

616. AND THEN YOU TRIED TO HIT ON ALL OF THEM.

617. - FAIR ENOUGH.

618. - I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING WAS GONNA HAPPEN,

619. A 43-WAY?

620. - THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL.

621. - BUT AWESOME. - YEAH.

622. THE PROBLEM IS I ONLY HAVE 15 PENISES.

623. SO THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN 28 GIRLS

624. THAT WERE REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

625. ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS.

626. - HEY, UH, WOULD YOU WANNA GET A DRINK TOMORROW NIGHT?

627. - DOES IT HAVE TO BE HERE? - NO.

628. - THEN SURE. I'M LUCY.

629. LET YOU GIVE ME MY PHONE NUMBER.

630. - SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.

631. - JUST NOW? NOTHING.

632. - WELL, I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.

633. SO ARE YOU FREE THIS WEEKEND?

634. - OH, SHAUNA, LOOK, I THINK YOU ARE A SUPER CUTE PERSON,

635. AND YOUR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES ARE SO COOL,

636. AND THEY'RE—THEY'RE PROBABLY VERY ACCURATE.

637. BUT I DON'T THINK THAT WE SHOULD GO OUT ROMANTICALLY.

638. - WHY NOT?

639. - WELL, HONESTLY,

640. BECAUSE THERE'S ALREADY A GIRL THAT I LIKE.

641. AND WE KIND OF HAVE A LONG BACKSTORY OF HISTORY.

642. AND... I LIKE HER.

643. - OKAY, WELL, GOOD LUCK.

644. I CAN'T EVEN LAND THE SHOESHINE GUY.

645. - MM.

646. WOW, THAT TASTES REALLY GOOD.

647. - MM. HOW'S YOUR HEAD?

648. - MUSHY.

649. I'M SORRY THAT I YELLED AT YOU.

650. ALL THREE TIMES.

651. BUT I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW ANYTHING

652. ABOUT MY DEPARTMENT.

653. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PART OF A GOVERNMENT BODY BEFORE?

654. - UH, I HAVE. YEAH.

655. IN A SMALL TOWN CALLED PARTRIDGE, MINNESOTA.

656. - WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?

657. YOU'RE BENJI WYATT? - I AM.

658. WHEN I WAS 18,

659. I RAN FOR MAYOR OF MY SMALL TOWN AND WON.

660. LITTLE BIT OF ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT VOTER REBELLION, I GUESS.

661. HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH, ABOUT 18-YEAR-OLDS.

662. THEY'RE IDIOTS.

663. SO I PRETTY MUCH RAN THE PLACE INTO THE GROUND

664. AFTER TWO MONTHS AND GOT IMPEACHED.

665. WORST PART WAS, MY PARENTS GROUNDED ME.

666. - OH, MY GOD, YOU WERE SO CUTE.

667. - OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

668. - WHAT WAS THAT SONG YOU PLAYED

669. AT THE SWEARING-IN CEREMONY?

670. - WHOOMP! THERE IT IS IS WHAT IT WAS, YEAH.

671. - GOD, I WAS SO JEALOUS OF YOU.

672. - YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

673. I MEAN, IT ENDED UP KIND OF RUINING MY LIFE.

674. I MEAN, NOW I'M BALANCING BUDGETS

675. SO I CAN SHOW PEOPLE I'M RESPONSIBLE,

676. SO I CAN RUN FOR OFFICE AGAIN SOMEDAY

677. AND NOT BE LAUGHED AT, YOU KNOW?

678. I MEAN, YOU WANNA RUN FOR OFFICE SOMEDAY, RIGHT?

679. - YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

680. - WELL, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO MAKE DECISIONS

681. LIKE THIS, LESLIE.

682. YOU HAVE TO BE HARSH, YOU KNOW?

683. NO ONE'S GONNA ELECT YOU TO DO ANYTHING

684. IF YOU DON'T SHOW THAT YOU'RE A RESPONSIBLE GROWN-UP.

685. - YEAH.

686. - WELL.

687. - OH, NO, PLEASE, MR. MAYOR, LET ME.

688. - OKAY.

689. - MM.

690. MM.

691. - EVERYTHING OKAY? - HMM?

692. MM.

693. NO.

694. - YOU READY? - YEAH.

695. - HEY, RON, DID WE MAKE OUT LAST NIGHT?

696. - GOOD GOD, WOMAN, NO.

697. - OKAY. WELL, THAT'S IT.

698. THAT'S ALL THE MEN THAT I KNOW.

699. - YOU GUYS JUST KNOCKED IT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE PARK.

700. AND I APPRECIATE IT, AND WE WILL SEE YOU LATER.

701. HEY. ANN PERKINS.

702. - HEY. - HEY. WELL.

703. - UH, APRIL'S PARTY? APRIL'S PARTY?

704. - YEAH, HEY, MAN. HOW'S IT GOING?

705. - HEY. - HEY.

706. COME HERE.

707. THERE'S NO REASON NOT TO LOVE HIM,

708. BUT I—I DIDN'T.

709. - I'M CALLING YOU A CAB.

710. - YOU KNOW, I JUST—

711. - MM.

712. MM-MM-MM, MM-MM-MM.

713. MM.

714. OKAY, LET'S GET YOU A CAB.

715. GO AHEAD. - BOO.

716. - FANCY THIS.

717. UM, LISTEN, I HAVE MEETINGS ALL DAY,

718. BUT I'D LOVE TO CHAT WITH YOU; CAN I CALL YOU?

719. - YOU HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER?

720. - NO, YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

721. BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE.

722. - TERRIFIC. THAT'S GREAT.

723. WE'LL TALK LATER.

724. COME ON, GUYS.

725. - WE'LL TALK LATER.

726. YEAH, WE SHOULD HAVE A MEETING TOO

727. ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN SECRET.

728. THIS SUGGESTED PLAN REDUCES OUR OVERALL BUDGET BY 35%.

729. AND IT CONTAINS VERY PRACTICAL DEEP CUTS

730. IN MANY OF OUR SERVICES.

731. - UH, LESLIE, THIS IS AMAZING,

732. BUT IT'S MOOT.

733. - WHY?

734. - OUR INVESTIGATION HAS REVEALED

735. THAT THINGS IN PAWNEE ARE MUCH WORSE

736. THAN WE ANTICIPATED.

737. - MEANING WHAT?

738. - WELL, EFFECTIVE TOMORROW MORNING,

739. THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT WILL BE SHUT DOWN

740. UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

741. - I'M SORRY, I JUST STARTED HEARING

742. REALLY LOUD CIRCUS MUSIC IN MY HEAD.

743. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

744. THAT SONG IS ABOUT APRIL.