Paradise 1x1

1. Hey, Carl.

2. A little chilly this morning, huh?

3. It'll warm up soon.

4. Always does.

5. Morning.

6. Breathing pretty heavy there, old man.

7. I'm breathing just fine.

8. You sure? How's that left arm?

9. Is that going numb on you? Smelling any toast?

10. 'Cause we got some baby aspirin here.

11. I can get you on down to the hospital.

12. You talk a lot of shit for someone who runs a 14-minute mile, Agent Pace.

13. 'Cause I lift, dude. When the bad guys come,

14. you can run away, I can choke 'em out.

15. - Ah. - Who's the hero?

16. - Gym muscle ain't real muscle, Billy. - That's so weird though, right?

17. I guess we're both imagining that one.

18. - Quiet night? - Pin drop.

19. Brooks and Rainey had the perimeter all night.

20. I'm clocking out early, by the way.

21. Garcia gave me this nasty-ass soup last night

22. and I gotta go see a man about a horse.

23. Gotcha.

24. Like a— like a mutant horse.

25. I woke Jane, she's coming in to cover for me.

26. You woke that poor girl up and told her to come in early

27. so you could go home and take a shit?

28. They're the ones who wanted equality.

29. - Billy. - Mm, she was cool.

30. - I'll see you. - Alright.

31. - Hey. - Hm?

32. The world's biggest biceps don't make up for the world's smallest dick.

33. That's probably true, boss. But it doesn't hurt, does it?

34. - That's your dick I'm talking about. - I knew you were talking

35. - about my dick, sir. - Yeah, yeah.

36. What page are you on?

37. - Eighty-eight. - Nice.

38. I was gonna make you guys pancakes, Presley.

39. Yeah, well, you snooze, you lose.

40. We're having eggs.

41. You're having egg whites.

42. Egg whites aren't food. They're air.

43. Yeah, well, your metabolism isn't what it was.

44. I'm sorry, you trying to tell me I'm getting old?

45. No, trying to tell you you're getting chubby.

46. Child, please, you know I look good.

47. - Eat some egg whites. - Uh...

48. Hey, man, you hear this?

49. - Well, I got yellow eggs. - Gimme some.

50. Ow.

51. Thank you for making breakfast, baby.

52. Mm-hmm, you're welcome.

53. Ugh.

54. - Didn't sleep? - Mm, stop worrying about me.

55. I'll stop worrying about you when you sleep.

56. I'll sleep when you stop worrying about me.

57. - And around we go. - Mm-hmm.

58. Your brother's bike got left out in the front lawn again.

59. - Take it out my paycheck. - Hey.

60. Sorry. I'll keep an eye on it.

61. Mm! And don't forget, my debate final is at 3:00.

62. Three o'clock, wouldn't miss it.

63. - I will clock out early. - Ah!

64. - Uh-oh. - I just made you eggs over there.

65. Well, see, it's my house, so...

66. my eggs.

67. And remember, you may be all grown,

68. but to me, you're still just a scrawny little thing...

69. - Mm-hmm. - ... that squeals like a baby every time

70. - she gets tickled in that one spot... - Okay, no, no.

71. - ... underneath her right arm. - I don't wanna be tickled right now.

72. Oh, no tickling, no tickling.

73. - Please, please, please. - Okay, okay.

74. Okay.

75. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

76. Boy, what on earth are you reading, man?

77. James and the Giant Peach.

78. - Where'd you get that? - Presley gave it to me.

79. - It's about a— - I know what it's about.

80. Uh, hey, if you, uh,

81. run into Andrew Bloch today, just try your best to ignore him, okay?

82. Hey, Dad.

83. - Hm? - You good?

84. Yeah, sorry.

85. Sorry, J. Um,

86. Dad didn't sleep well.

87. You like the book?

88. Yeah.

89. It's about a boy who used to have these magic beans,

90. but he tripped and dropped all the magic beans into the grass.

91. - Mm. - And they went down,

92. and they got to touch all these centipedes,

93. and spiders, and ladybugs.

94. And even the big tree...

95. Jane.

96. - Boss. - You're here early.

97. Uh, Billy had something to take care of at home.

98. He went home to take a dump.

99. Yeah, well...

100. You're allowed to tell him no.

101. I'm aware.

102. - Brooks and Rainey inside? - Waiting on you.

103. Boss.

104. - Quiet night, I hear? - Yes, sir.

105. Bedroom door was sealed by 10:00.

106. He's still not up.

107. - It's late for him. - Sure it won't be long.

108. Very good.

109. - I'm on. - We're off.

110. We've got perimeter for another hour, if you need anything.

111. Mr. President?

112. Mr. President, it's almost 8 a.m. Just checking in.

113. Mr. President, I'm coming in.

114. Agent Collins, come on in.

115. Shoes off, please.

116. I'm fucking with you.

117. I just like to see what people will do.

118. Got the last guy to sit on the floor.

119. Go on, have a seat.

120. I assume, uh, you know why you're here.

121. Um, I have a sense, sir.

122. Can I get you a water, soda, anything?

123. I'm fine, sir.

124. You want any booze? We got it all.

125. No, thank you.

126. Yeah, that was a test.

127. - Yes. - You passed.

128. Yes, sir.

129. Can't have a potential new lead agent drinking on the job, you know?

130. Of course.

131. Well, I'm gonna have a drink.

132. Little hair of the dog.

133. Don't worry, this is not an everyday thing.

134. - We had quite a night last night. - Congratulations, sir.

135. Yeah, yeah.

136. The other guy literally had the IQ of a Goldendoodle.

137. An incumbent president barely beats a Goldendoodle.

138. I wouldn't say that's exactly my one shining moment.

139. It's a college basketball reference.

140. One Shining Moment?

141. It's a song they play at the end of the tournament.

142. Yes.

143. Alright, cards on the table.

144. I beat a Goldendoodle,

145. so it looks like I got the gig for another four years

146. until I get to retire somewhere beautiful

147. and lie on a pool float the rest of my days.

148. Now, keep in mind, I'll be an ex-president

149. in just my early 50s.

150. So, I'm gonna find the biggest mansion I can,

151. and I'm gonna fill it with the best booze and the best art available,

152. and I'm gonna spend four to five decades on that pool float.

153. Unless, of course, somebody shoots me first.

154. I'm looking for someone to make sure I don't get shot,

155. so I can make it to that pool float.

156. - You follow? - I follow.

157. You got any questions for me?

158. No, sir.

159. Jesus Christ, this is like the worst first date I've ever had.

160. Come on, ask me a question, will you?

161. Why the change, sir?

162. I know Agent Monroe. He's as good as it gets.

163. He's a bore, and he's old.

164. If my lead agent isn't gonna be fun to be around,

165. I'd like to at least know he can lift heavy stuff.

166. Look, I'm looking for someone to be by my side

167. for the next four years,

168. and potentially into my pool float years.

169. As you know, they let us keep light protection

170. even after we leave the big house.

171. They gave me a list and a batch of names.

172. I looked at that list and batch of names,

173. I asked to meet with you.

174. "Why, sir? Why did you ask to meet with me?"

175. That's a great question, Agent Collins, I'm so happy you asked.

176. I—

177. I promise this is not a regular thing.

178. Well, in answer to the question that you didn't ask,

179. I hear you're the best of the best.

180. I feel pretty confident you can lift heavy stuff.

181. And it doesn't hurt that you're Black.

182. I'm supposed to be a Southern progressive

183. but I got a bunch of white guys surrounding me everywhere I go.

184. So, I'm here 'cause I'm Black?

185. You're here because you're good.

186. And the other guy was boring and old.

187. It just doesn't hurt that you're Black.

188. - Does my directness bother you? - No, sir.

189. But...

190. No, sir.

191. There was a "but."

192. I just wonder if having a Black man guarding you

193. is really the progressive visual you think it is?

194. That's a fair point.

195. Well, my Secretary of State

196. and my Secretary of Defense are also Black.

197. But they don't stand next to me when I kiss babies, so...

198. Agent Collins, I went from being one of the richest men in the world

199. to a one-term, now two-term president almost overnight.

200. I drink whiskey in the middle of the Oval Office.

201. And I'm upfront about telling a potential new lead agent

202. that part of the reason he's appealing to me

203. is the color of his skin.

204. I did not get here by doing things by the book.

205. I couldn't tell you who the eighth vice president of the United States was

206. and I'm not really sure where Syria is on a map.

207. But people seem to like me.

208. And leaders of other countries seem to trust me.

209. The world is 19 times more fucked than anyone realizes.

210. And if someone's gotta sit in that chair and do the unthinkable,

211. I consider myself a reasonable and decent human being

212. who will try to do the right thing.

213. Hopefully, that's someone you wouldn't mind taking a bullet for...

214. if this thing goes your way.

215. Yes, sir.

216. Okey-dokey.

217. Thank you for coming in.

218. We will be in touch.

219. Southwestern Asia, sir.

220. - I'm sorry? - Syria.

221. It's in Southwest Asia on the eastern coast

222. of the Mediterranean Sea.

223. No shit? Huh.

224. And the eighth vice president?

225. Martin Van Buren.

226. Obviously, I knew that.

227. It's a test, you know, like with the whiskey.

228. Of course, sir.

229. Marsha, could you inform the cabinet that Syria is not in Canada?

230. We've been getting it wrong this whole time.

231. I'm the funniest president.

232. Yeah.

233. All good up there, boss?

234. Yeah— Uh, no.

235. Hang on, I need a second.

236. Sir?

237. Jane, I need you to lock down and sweep the residence.

238. No one in, no one out.

239. - What's going on? - Just give me a minute.

240. Jane, who's in the bay right now?

241. - Garcia. - Garcia, okay, good.

242. Sir, if we're locking down, shouldn't I be alerting Robinson?

243. No! Not yet.

244. But protocol says—

245. Jane, I need you to quietly lock this place down

246. for the next 30 minutes without asking any more questions.

247. Only person allowed upstairs is Billy.

248. Billy's not here, remember?

249. - He will be. - Copy that.

250. You're freaking me out a little bit, boss.

251. Copy that. Thirty minutes.

252. Agent Collins.

253. Yes, sir?

254. Enjoying your first week with us so far?

255. Yes, sir, thank you.

256. Okay, okay, that's good to hear.

257. That's very good to hear.

258. You're married, right?

259. - Yes, sir. - I noticed your ring.

260. You got kids?

261. Yes, sir, a-a girl named Presley and a boy named James.

262. Presley?

263. My wife's from Memphis. Couldn't be stopped.

264. You gonna have any more?

265. No, sir.

266. I'd love to, but...

267. No, sir.

268. Well, I'm relatively confident...

269. that the First Lady voted for the other guy last week.

270. If true, I imagine that's the first time in history

271. that a sitting First Lady voted against her own husband.

272. Yeah.

273. Not the biggest fan of mine of late, my wife.

274. You don't approve?

275. Those things will kill you.

276. Yeah, well...

277. they can get in line.

278. She will take the kid...

279. and leave me the second I'm out of office.

280. How come your wife doesn't want more kids, huh?

281. Were the first two lemons?

282. You a shit father? What's the deal?

283. Come on, man. I'm sad, I'm tipsy.

284. I could use a story.

285. It's not much of a story, sir.

286. Um, my wife, Teri, she's a scientist.

287. We met when I was at the Academy

288. and she wants to focus on her career now.

289. She's starting a new project in Atlanta and she'll have to travel.

290. So... we're stopping at two.

291. They keep us plenty busy, as is.

292. Hey.

293. No, thank you.

294. He passes again.

295. Well, Xavier, for what it's worth,

296. you're probably better off not having any more kids.

297. Smart move right now.

298. It's definitely a very... very smart move.

299. I'm not sure I understand, sir.

300. That'll be all, Agent Collins.

301. Yes, sir.

302. This better be good, boss.

303. Garcia's soup is doing a number on me right now.

304. I need you back at the residence now.

305. X, I'm in a pretty precarious position at the moment.

306. Billy.

307. Christian Laettner.

308. I gave us about 30 minutes before Jane has to call it in,

309. but once she does, Robinson won't let me within a mile of this place.

310. It's bad, Billy. It's really bad.

311. And I need you here five minutes ago.

312. Copy you. I'm on my way.

313. Billy, you step into this thing with me,

314. you could be entering a world of hurt.

315. Promise?

316. Five minutes ago. Move.

317. House all clear.

318. All non-essentials are out.

319. - Study? Guest house? - Secured.

320. - Sir— - I need five with Garcia.

321. - Mike. - Mm.

322. Hey, what's good, boss?

323. Jane says we're on a lockdown that's not a lockdown. What's the deal?

324. I need you to take me through yesterday's log.

325. Oh, yeah, sure thing. Gimme a sec.

326. By the way, I don't know what you heard, but I didn't make soup.

327. I made pozole, and my stuff's legit.

328. If Billy has a stomach like a 14-year-old Amish girl,

329. - that's his problem— - Hey, Mike, I need you to focus.

330. Okay, we're up.

331. Take me through Wildcat's day. Anything irregular?

332. Abnormally early wake-up and workout.

333. Long workout, actually.

334. Then, he got out of his bathrobe for the first time in a week.

335. He spent the morning making pasta for his son for dinner.

336. Made the pasta by hand, by the way.

337. Had coffee with Sinatra in the afternoon, back patio.

338. You were the agent on duty, you know all this.

339. What?

340. Say it to my face.

341. I want to see what it looks like when you have balls, sir.

342. It's fine. We're fine.

343. And that's it?

344. Anyone out of the ordinary on the premises?

345. Nope. Gardeners, us, the usual.

346. Kid bailed on him for dinner. Stayed home with his mom.

347. Poor guy had to scarf down dinner for two by himself.

348. Oh, but on the bright side,

349. you-know-who made her daily happy hour appearance.

350. - Wait, rewind that for me. - Mm-hmm.

351. Freeze it.

352. A little bigger.

353. A little more.

354. Okay.

355. She left, and he took two long pours downstairs

356. for drinks with the old man.

357. Daddy Warbucks returned to the guest house at 9:30,

358. and our hero took a third long pour up to bed.

359. The door was sealed at 10:04.

360. Last person to see him was...

361. You guys shot the shit there for a while, huh?

362. That dude has said four words to me since I got down here.

363. Well, I guess you earned it.

364. Mr. President.

365. - Mr. President. - Mr. President.

366. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience.

367. Betsy, I know you missed me.

368. Why don't you kick us off?

369. Regarding yesterday's explosive New York Times report

370. - about recent revelations in Colorado. - I have no comment on that.

371. Due respect, but isn't some comment required, sir?

372. There's wild speculation about what people are seeing there,

373. and protests are already forming across the country.

374. Yes, and I'm sure the internet's doing a fine job

375. at, uh, feeding that fire without me fueling the fire.

376. Now, what I would like to speak about

377. is the latest jobs report.

378. Just one month since my re-election...

379. Weapon!

380. - Whoa! - Get down!

381. The world deserves to know!

382. The world deserves to know!

383. Sir, are you hit?

384. - Sir, are you hit? - No, I'm fine.

385. No, you're hit. Let me see.

386. - No! Hey, I'm fine, look at me. - Hey.

387. It's you. It's your blood.

388. Huh?

389. Agent Collins?

390. Agent Collins? Agent Collins?

391. - You're not hit? - Agent Collins?

392. But you're not hit?

393. Sir.

394. Take it easy.

395. Sir.

396. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.

397. You just got— Hey, you just got out of surgery.

398. - Sir— - Your wife— Your wife's on the way.

399. They had trouble reaching her.

400. - Are you alright? - I'm fine.

401. You tackle like a high school sophomore, by the way.

402. Though I'll admit, when I saw all that blood,

403. I thought I'd been Christian Laettner'd.

404. Oh, don't do this to me.

405. - Christian Laettner? Duke? - Hm?

406. Yeah. He made the most famous college basketball shot of all time

407. against us in the tournament.

408. Single-handedly killed me

409. and every other Kentucky Wildcat fan that day.

410. Yeah, I thought I'd been Laettner'd.

411. But then, uh...

412. That was a hell of a blocked shot, Agent Collins.

413. Is there anything I can do for you?

414. I don't know.

415. Maybe cool it with the basketball metaphors?

416. Well, well, well, look at you.

417. Good for you, Xavier. You're kind of funny when you're wounded.

418. - Yeah, who knew? - Not me.

419. I'd have shot you weeks ago.

420. Sir?

421. Duty calls.

422. They got the rest of the bullet out in surgery, by the way.

423. Your career as a shoulder model's probably over

424. but, uh, they tell me you'll make a full recovery.

425. Do we know who he was?

426. Some asshole with a 3D printer.

427. But we got him.

428. Well, I'll be back to work as soon as I clear my physical.

429. No, no, no, no. Take a few weeks, paid leave.

430. - It's not necessary. - That's an order.

431. Don't make me do the whole Commander-in-Chief bullshit, okay?

432. It's been a long day.

433. Although, um...

434. I'd like to talk to you when you get back...

435. about the future.

436. Yes, sir, of course.

437. Saying "thank you" feels kinda insufficient.

438. Saying "just doing my job" seems kinda lame.

439. So, we'll just leave it there, huh?

440. Holy fuck.

441. X, you gotta call this in, man.

442. Safe was empty. It's gone.

443. - No. - Gone.

444. Someone had to know a lot.

445. Someone had to have a lot of access.

446. In a few minutes, I have to tell Jane to call this in

447. and we lose control of the whole scene.

448. Hey, I need you to walk the entire property right now.

449. Balcony door's open. You saw the blood.

450. Check the yard below. No photos, no notes.

451. Mental snapshots of everything. It's the little things.

452. Little things are gonna matter here, Billy. Copy?

453. - Copy. - Go.

454. - X. - Go.

455. Yeah.

456. Garcia for Collins.

457. - Go ahead. - I got something, sir.

458. On my way.

459. Billy.

460. What the hell is going on?

461. Hold on.

462. Billy.

463. - Hey. - Hey.

464. What's going on? This a real lockdown?

465. Beats me. Nobody tells me shit.

466. Alright, let's go.

467. Jane might know something.

468. - What do you got? - Check it out.

469. You chat with the president until just after 10 p.m.

470. Bedroom door closes at 10:04.

471. You secure the downstairs and are relieved by Billy at 10:32.

472. A night of top-notch Billy Pace security ensues.

473. Yeah, the problem is my food, not that he eats like a filthy animal.

474. - Mike. - Yeah.

475. Come on.

476. Anyway, Billy does his rounds, but mainly...

477. Jesus.

478. Dude even took an hour-and-a-half power nap.

479. Look at him.

480. - Dead to the world. - This is what you wanted to show me?

481. Hang on.

482. Check out the large glass picture frame behind him.

483. - See the reflection from the TV? - Yeah.

484. You can see movement from the screen, but watch.

485. Now, it freezes, like someone paused the TV.

486. But he didn't pause the TV.

487. So, I checked the other cameras, and that's when I realized

488. that from 10:42 until 12:13,

489. all security cameras were offline, frozen on the last image.

490. No one noticed because—

491. No one else was in the house except Billy

492. and he was dead to the world on that couch.

493. Exactly.

494. At 12:13, cameras come back online.

495. - See that? - Mm-hmm.

496. A minute later, Billy wakes up.

497. An hour later, I show up for my shift with fresh coffee.

498. - But for all we know— - Anyone could have entered

499. or exited during that window.

500. Yeah, and no one in control would have noticed,

501. especially if they were a little young and a little inexperienced.

502. Who was in there last night at that time?

503. Jane.

504. Hey.

505. I'm serious. What the fuck is going on?

506. - Leave it be for a second, please. - But—

507. Jane, you need to be really calm right now.

508. Everything's gonna be looked at from here on out.

509. I need you to trust me.

510. Okay?

511. Okay.

512. Jane.

513. We're officially under lockdown, call it in.

514. Wildcat is down. It's a Code Red.

515. Call it in, Jane.

516. Our people only, now.

517. Yes, sir.

518. I'm calling in a Code Red.

519. - What's happening? - No one's allowed.

520. What's going on? Who is it, is it Kane?

521. Please stop stopping me

522. - from getting into the house. - I'm sorry.

523. I get to know what's going on with my husband.

524. Is it Cal?

525. Sam.

526. Is it Cal?

527. Where's my husband?

528. Is it Cal? Let me in, goddammit, Sam!

529. Site secure, ma'am. Was going to start interviews.

530. Yes, please let me know whatever you find out.

531. Where is he? Cal?

532. - Where's my son? - Kane.

533. Why don't we go in the other room? Let's go in the other room.

534. - But I want to see Cal. - Come with me.

535. Agent Rainey, Agent Garcia, follow me.

536. Agent Collins.

537. Yes, sir.

538. As we said before, Agent Collins,

539. this line of questioning is merely a formality,

540. given you were the last one to see him alive.

541. And again, for the record,

542. you noticed nothing unusual when he turned in last night?

543. No, just another night.

544. Did you speak to him?

545. I was wondering where you were, Agent Robinson.

546. Oh, I'm right here, Agent Collins.

547. What did you speak to him about last night?

548. And so concludes another day in paradise.

549. Hey.

550. Oh, I'm feeling that. Hang on.

551. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

552. - Listening party? - Will that be all?

553. Your loss.

554. Boo.

555. Ooh, a little light bedtime reading.

556. Got the news of the world right here.

557. Step right up, step right up, come and get it.

558. Got the news of the world.

559. Have a drink with me, Xavier, Christ.

560. We don't talk anymore.

561. - No, thank you. - "Sir."

562. I, I can't remember exactly when it was when you stopped calling me "sir."

563. Do you?

564. Oh, for Christ's sake, speak your mind.

565. You don't want me to speak my mind.

566. Sir.

567. Well, then...

568. I don't know what else there is to say.

569. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

570. Hey, look.

571. You're not wrong, Xavier.

572. What's in here will definitely kill me.

573. That'll be all, Agent Collins.

574. Xavier.

575. Will you ever be able to forgive me for what happened?

576. Bring him in.

577. Agent Collins, welcome back.

578. Don't speak if you don't have to. Have a seat.

579. Agent Collins, you're about to be entrusted

580. with top-secret national security information.

581. The president has cleared you at the highest level.

582. Should you wish to proceed, you will be one of the few hundred people in the world

583. privy to this information at this stage.

584. Agent Collins, do you wish to proceed?

585. The president tells me you have children.

586. Yes, ma'am, that's correct.

587. You're gonna want to hear this.

588. Okay.

589. The tablet within this box

590. contains all information and data related to a highly classified project.

591. It's a fancy way of saying that's the most important box in the world.

592. I assume you're aware of what's going on in Colorado.

593. Will I ever be able to forgive you for what happened?

594. Our kids' names were a big deal to my wife.

595. Presley was pretty much set in stone from go.

596. But for our second kid, our son...

597. every night of that pregnancy, she would try out a different name.

598. And then one day, she was about eight months pregnant,

599. could hardly walk anymore.

600. We were in this bookstore together, and she saw it.

601. James and the Giant Peach.

602. And that was it.

603. She had found our boy's name.

604. She read the book to her belly every night

605. for the rest of her pregnancy.

606. She became obsessed with that damn book.

607. And then...

608. you know, after she—

609. Well, I guess I became obsessed with it, too.

610. Yeah, I'm pretty much an expert

611. on James and the Giant Peach right now.

612. It was written by Roald Dahl.

613. And originally, it wasn't gonna be about a peach.

614. It was gonna be about a cherry.

615. But Dahl changed it because he thought

616. that peaches were squishier.

617. Strange, isn't it?

618. Book could have been called James and the Giant Cherry.

619. Sometimes I lie in bed staring at the ceiling,

620. wondering if my wife would've wanted to name our son James

621. if the book were about a giant cherry and not a giant peach.

622. But I'll never know.

623. Obviously, I can't ask her.

624. "Another Day in Paradise" playing]

625. - I know. - Stop.

626. You want to know if I'll forgive you.

627. I'll forgive you when I can sleep again.

628. And I'll sleep again when you're dead.

629. Now, we cannot divulge specifics,

630. but what we can tell you

631. is that we are preparing for a massive catastrophe

632. that could cause an extinction-level event for humanity

633. in the very near, very real future.

634. In preparation, we have begun construction underneath a mountain in Colorado.

635. When completed, it may be our only chance:

636. the world's largest underground city.