Ozzy and Jack's World Detour 3x3

1. - So Jack just called, and I was just about to go to bed,

2. and he told me that Lisa is currently going into labor.

3. So I have to go wake up Dad, because there's no way

4. I'm missing this, and I need to get the out of here.

5. Come on, Dad.

6. Dad!

7. - Hold on, I'm going. Is it—is it a fire?

8. What's up—what's going on?

9. - Dad, Lisa's gone into labor, we've gotta leave.

10. - What?

11. - Lisa has gone into labor, we've gotta leave.

12. - Is this a joke?

13. - Is this a joke?

14. Please pack up your stuff.

15. I'm gonna go pack up mine, we've gotta get out of here.

16. - How—oh, okay.

17. - Dad, I'm not missing this.

18. We have to go.

19. - Okay.

20. I'll see you in a minute.

21. - Thank you, love you.

22. - My name's Jack Osbourne, world adventurer,

23. thrill-seeker, and adrenaline junkie.

24. - Wow.

25. - And this is my dad Ozzy—

26. heavy metal god—

27. - Are you ready?

28. —Prince of Darkness,

29. and loving grandfather.

30. Growing up, my dad was away from home a lot touring,

31. and we missed hanging out.

32. So now we've decided to hit the road together

33. and make up for lost time, taking in all the beauty—

34. - Wow.

35. —and the bizarre that America has to offer.

36. And this time, my sister Kelly is coming along for the ride.

37. - Keep going—stop, stop, stop—

38. - Stop, stop!

39. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

40. - I just hit a cactus.

41. - It's about to get interesting.

42. - All aboard!

43. - Welcome to "Ozzy and Jack's World Detour."

44. - Let's rock and roll.

45. - I wonder how Jack's doing.

46. - Probably a bit nervous, considering Lisa's

47. in labor and everything is a bit nuts.

48. - You don't have to drive, I do.

49. - Yeah, but I'm still—

50. - We've still got five and a half more hours to go.

51. - Five and a half hours?

52. - Well, yeah.

53. - I mean now, to get to Florida,

54. I need to add another 5 hours on the journey.

55. - Mm, it's more like 10 hours, and we—

56. - Ten hours?

57. —well, five hours there, five hours back.

58. - Yeah, but we've gotta go—oh, yeah, that's right.

59. That's a lot of hours, for.

60. - Oh, Jack's calling us.

61. Hi!

62. - Hi, Jack.

63. - Good, how are you?

64. - Wait, wait, have you—have you had the baby yet?

65. - What? A false alarm?

66. All right, Jack, let me ask you a favor.

67. If she comes in the night,

68. can you just wait till the morning to call me?

69. I've been awake all night.

70. - Dad, it doesn't work like that.

71. How is she doing? Is she okay?

72. - Yeah, it's a marathon.

73. - Love you, man, I'll see you soon.

74. - Love you, Jackie. Bye.

75. - Well, it was a false alarm, can you believe it?

76. - No, but I can.

77. Dada—

78. - Lisa's a very strong woman.

79. - And it's just weird when you see it happen.

80. - Heh.

81. I love you, Dad.

82. - I love you too.

83. - Turn right onto South Arizona Avenue.

84. - Where we going, Kel?

85. - Well, now that we don't have to rush back,

86. you know, I really need to, like,

87. decompress after all that.

88. And so I came across something, and I'm dying to do it.

89. - Oh, what is it?

90. - Baby goat yoga.

91. - A what?

92. Baby goat yoga, what—

93. - Now we don't have to rush back, I can, like, do my plan.

94. - Yeah, but what—what the is baby goat yoga?

95. - It is yoga where you get to relax

96. with baby goats that jump on you.

97. - Yes. - All right.

98. - Great, I'll call them now.

99. Let's go change into our yoga outfits

100. and get ready for baby goat yoga.

101. Ah-ha, oh my god, look at them.

102. Look at the baby goats, they have wings on them.

103. - Where, where, where, where?

104. - There, look!

105. Dad, look how little that one is.

106. Which way do we go?

107. - How the do I know?

108. I'm following you.

109. - Oh. Hi. - Hey.

110. - Hello.

111. This is so cute.

112. - Yes.

113. - Oh my gosh, do you wanna hold her?

114. - Yes. - Oh.

115. - Hello.

116. - Look at what we have for you.

117. - A goat.

118. - A baby goat.

119. - She's a beautiful little thing.

120. - Yes.

121. - So some people come to goat yoga just to do yoga,

122. some just come to cuddle with goats.

123. So what are you guys here for?

124. - Cuddling goats. - Cuddling with goats.

125. - It might be odd to have an adult petting zoo,

126. so maybe we should do a little yoga.

127. - Okay.

128. - Do you like yoga? - I've seen it done, but—

129. - Dad, do a little bit, come on.

130. - What do I do?

131. - Just get on your hands and knees.

132. - Just sit down.

133. - Sit down.

134. There you go.

135. We're just gonna sit back and stretch.

136. Oh, okay, the goats are coming.

137. - Is she too heavy for you?

138. - Keep shaking.

139. - They're all around you.

140. - Their asses are.

141. - Right in your face.

142. - I've had worse.

143. - Have you?

144. - Okay, I can say I have.

145. - The big one jumped on your back, didn't it?

146. - I don't know, I couldn't—

147. I haven't got eyes in the back of my head.

148. - How was your goat massage?

149. - That was not relaxing at all, Kelly.

150. - Namaste, Dad.

151. - What?

152. - Namaste.

153. - I must stay, what—

154. - Namaste.

155. - What's that mean?

156. - It's like hippie for "have a nice day."

157. - Namaste?

158. I wanna stay in bed.

159. - Oh.

160. - Oh, hold on, Kelly.

161. - Ah!

162. - That was a big one.

163. - Yes.

164. Well, it was actually two of them on your back.

165. - So Ozzy, if you wanna sit here you can feed the baby goat.

166. - Sure, thank you.

167. - There you go.

168. - Well, that's great.

169. - Aw.

170. - I love this one.

171. Can I keep him?

172. - Yeah.

173. - I will name him Gautier.

174. - Gautier.

175. - They're all emotional support animals,

176. so we could bring them on an airplane.

177. - Really?

178. Oh!

179. - It's more about the pet therapy than the yoga.

180. - Oh, yeah, they're really friendly creatures.

181. - Aw.

182. It's totally asleep.

183. - I want a baby goat.

184. I want to live with Kelly.

185. Dad, will you take a picture?

186. - Yeah.

187. - Oh my god.

188. - She's lovely.

189. - Okay. Tree pose with a goat.

190. Looking good, guys.

191. - Sweet little thing.

192. - Your spirit animal, I love it.

193. - Now Dad— - What?

194. —you know that when we get there

195. you're not leaving until the baby is born, right?

196. I'm not missing the birth.

197. - You're gonna be there when she's actually pushing out?

198. - Yes, I promised— - In the room?

199. - Yes.

200. - Oh, that's great.

201. - It smells like a skunk's bum.

202. - It smells like what?

203. - A skunk. - Is—

204. - Or is that weed? - Weed?

205. - That's one thing I really miss, is smoking weed.

206. - No.

207. - That's what you were implying.

208. - I was making a sarcastic comment.

209. - Yeah, a sarcastic comment.

210. I'm with you.

211. - I know it.

212. It makes a difference, because I'm not drunk

213. or high I remember everything.

214. - I don't.

215. But you know, if I smoke weed,

216. I wanna drink booze, every time.

217. - Oh, I don't.

218. I just wanna smoke weed and giggle.

219. At one point, Dad, I was smoking about an ounce a day.

220. - Oh, —when I was your age

221. I was smoking an ounce an hour.

222. - Dad. - What?

223. - Guess where we are?

224. - We're home.

225. - Pretty much.

226. - Are we?

227. - One more turn, and we're home.

228. - Oh, I can't wait to see my good dog.

229. Thank you, Kel.

230. - Dad, do it again.

231. Rocky!

232. Rock!

233. Rocky!

234. It's me.

235. Is anybody home?

236. Rockems.

237. Got ya, babe.

238. What have you been doing today?

239. We've been driving for hours to see you.

240. Miss me?

241. Oh, Rock.

242. Oh, oh, Rock.

243. Wow, it was a journey and a half, though, Rock.

244. Thought we were never gonna get to see my baby.

245. Oh.

246. Hey, Shar.

247. - Where are you?

248. - In the kitchen.

249. - Oh my god, I missed you so much.

250. - What time do you think you'll be back?

251. - I'll be back in a couple of hours,

252. but I just wanted to say about your teeth.

253. I've got your appointment.

254. - Not this week, please.

255. - But darling, it is.

256. You've got to, because you've gotta

257. have surgery on your mouth.

258. - When—

259. - We'll talk about the teeth when I get home, okay?

260. - All right.

261. - But your appointment's booked,

262. and I love you and I'll see you in a couple of hours.

263. - All right.

264. - Love you.

265. - Love you. Bye.

266. - I don't believe it.

267. I do more work when I come home

268. than I do when I go out to work.

269. I'm not really good at the dentist. They better give me happy juice or something.

270. I think it's against the Osbourne's law

271. to have me sit on my butt for more than 5 minutes.

272. - Ahoy there.

273. - Hiya.

274. - Coffee delivery.

275. - Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

276. I was gonna get myselg a drink—coffee, great.

277. - What's going on?

278. - Can you believe my luck?

279. I come back, I got a dental surgery...

280. - Surprise.

281. - That's exactly why I want to go

282. out on the road.

283. When's the baby coming?

284. - I don't know, these things aren't,

285. you know, an exact science yet.

286. - Here's something weird—she's been pregnant

287. for more than half of our relationship.

288. - Oh, hell, you—

289. - I know, it's morbid.

290. - No, it ain't morbid.

291. Good son, good boy, chip off the old block.

292. - My seed is mighty and plentiful.

293. - Your cup runneth over.

294. How was Arizona?

295. - It was good.

296. - I mean, let's be real, though—

297. as fun as it was for Kelly, it wasn't the same, was it?

298. - Well, it's different.

299. I wouldn't say it was the same.

300. Kelly was all right.

301. I mean, it's when you two get together,

302. the sparks start flying.

303. - Hey—

304. - She misunderstands you and you misunderstand her.

305. - Let's not get too aggravated here.

306. I don't wanna misunderstand what you're saying.

307. - Interesting.

308. I think that it just kinda changes the vibe a little bit.

309. - Oaky.

310. - There's just gotta be some rules.

311. - Yeah, but don't apply to Kelly, you know that.

312. - Well, yeah, that's what I'm worried about.

313. I can't even remember a time when

314. all three of us went anywhere together.

315. - You're right, never.

316. - Never.

317. Me and you would go on tour.

318. And then maybe you would take Kelly.

319. But it was never just the three of us.

320. - Mm-hmm.

321. I've traveled with you guys before,

322. under completely different circumstances.

323. - Oh, yeah.

324. - On the road buses, when you were little.

325. Some people have—the postman's their dad,

326. a butcher's their dad, or a, whatever.

327. I'm a—I'm an entertainer.

328. - No, for us it was entirely normal.

329. So what's the deal with your dental surgery?

330. - I don't know that's the scary part.

331. It's not—it's not fair, you know, I mean—

332. - You know what, I think you need a hug.

333. - off.

334. I don't need a lot of clothes, do I?

335. - Well, take as many as you wanna take.

336. - This is very cool, don't you think?

337. - Yeah. You might wanna take something a little bit warmer.

338. - I'll take that.

339. - No, you are not even pulling that out.

340. - What do you think of this one, Kel?

341. - I love that one.

342. I love the color of the lining.

343. I really like that one.

344. And I wanna take this.

345. - It's heavy.

346. Anyway, still think you're gonna want something

347. that's cuddly and a bit more—what would you

348. wear on the back of a horse?

349. - On the back of a horse?

350. - Yes.

351. - The you going on a horse for?

352. - You never know what could happen.

353. - Yeah, I'm not planning on going on a horse.

354. - Where's your "Brokeback Mountain" jacket?

355. - The what?

356. - Your "Brokeback Mountain" jacket, like—

357. - What's that mean?

358. - Your gay man on a horse jacket.

359. - Well, I'm not a gay man,

360. and I'm not planning on going on a horse.

361. Kelly, do you know if you're coming or not on this trip?

362. It'd be great if you—this is a nice coat, yeah?

363. - Yeah, no, I really like that one.

364. - Right.

365. Can I get my jackets back?

366. - No.

367. You're not wearing that.

368. - Why?

369. - Because walking through a town in the middle of nowhere,

370. they're gonna think you're the Grim Reaper.

371. - And you—and you in that thing?

372. - I'm here for coming relief.

373. - Oh, so am I.

374. - Maybe.

375. Yes, I'm coming.

376. I decided that I wanted to come with you and Jack because

377. like you've said, we've never done stuff like this before.

378. It's almost like childhood regression,

379. I guess, and it's just nice that we get to do this stuff now,

380. even if it is, you know, 30 years late.

381. - Yeah, when we all go our own ways or whatever,

382. you won't be able to say,

383. "I wonder what it would have been like."

384. - Yeah, I know.

385. - What's going on, Lisa?

386. - Yeah.

387. - Minnie, you're about to be born.

388. This drive is not gonna be fun.

389. - So last night my family of four

390. turned into a family of five.

391. Lisa gave birth to our new daughter,

392. Minnie Theodora Osbourne,

393. at around 5:30 in the morning.

394. Exciting times, but I am now officially outnumbered.

395. Well, Lisa and I are, anyway.

396. Lisa's doing great.

397. The baby's doing great.

398. Pearl and Andy love their new sister.

399. And the family is thrilled.

400. - Oh my god, Minnie's little hand.

401. - That's actually a good picture.

402. - Lisa's always the best at taking pictures.

403. - What?

404. Is this Facebook official?

405. - Yes.

406. - Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

407. Wanna give her a kiss?

408. Kiss?

409. - Wanna go put her down?

410. - Yeah.

411. - Okay, see you later, guys.

412. - Oh, Minnie's out for the count.

413. - Here, I'll help you play this.

414. - Kelly, are you sure you're emotionally prepared for this?

415. - No.

416. - Psychologically?

417. - Never.

418. - Look.

419. - Ah!

420. - It scared you.

421. Papa's scared.

422. - He's scared of dinosaurs.

423. - Yeah.

424. - Are you sure?

425. This is your last chance to jump off.

426. Are you sure you wanna—

427. - Why do you keep asking me that?

428. - Well, because once you're on, you're on.

429. - So that way if you have a hard time he can remind you,

430. well, you said that you were gonna come.

431. - Thank you, this is the real reason behind this question.

432. - You know what, there's a lot of disrespect

433. between you two towards me.

434. - No there is not.

435. - What? - Lots of disrespect.

436. - This is real time talk.

437. This is BS talk.

438. - I will not tolerate this.

439. Father, let's leave.

440. - I'll get my whip out.

441. - I cannot live under these conditions.

442. I hate that stuff.

443. It's like cocaine without the buzz.

444. I was out for six hours, so they did more than squeeze a zit.

445. In six hours, I could have built a new head.

446. I nearly woke up singing a Michael Jackson song.

447. I can't wait to get back on the road again,

448. just to get away.

449. Because every time I come home,

450. I'm doing something which I don't wanna do.

451. The good thing is I got to see baby Minnie.

452. She's beautiful.

453. I know when this numbing stuff wears off

454. it's gonna hurt like a son of a bitch.

455. That's what happens when you don't

456. take care of your teeth.

457. Ah.

458. Oh.

459. Yeah.

460. Oh, hell.

461. I don't think Sharon believed me

462. when I said it was diet Haagen-Dazs.

463. - Me?

464. No, not—I'm not having ice cream.

465. I told Sharon I wasn't gonna eat too much of this.

466. Ah.

467. Come on, Rocky.

468. You sit there.

469. All right, Rock.

470. We know what we like, don't we, Rock?

471. He likes it too, Rocky does.

472. My best mate, you are.

473. Oh, I love him so much.

474. I'm done eating.

475. Come on, Rock You all right there?

476. All happy now, aren't we?

477. Come on.

478. - Hi.

479. - hell.

480. - So how's your mouth?

481. - It's all numbed up now.

482. - But what did they do?

483. - They—they—I think they took some teeth out.

484. - Let me see?

485. There's—ugh.

486. That's terrifying.

487. - I mean—they did work on it for six hours.

488. - What are you eating?

489. - I got a juice machine over there.

490. Do you know how to do them?

491. - I can make you a juice.

492. What do you want in it?

493. - Whatever. - Apple—

494. - Apples, carrots, celery. Whatever.

495. You can't put oranges or bananas in there.

496. - Why?

497. - Because it's a veggie juice machine.

498. - All right, I'll do it.

499. - Watch your fingers, Kel.

500. - Do you like carrots? - Yeah.

501. - Okay.

502. - Kale, is it kale?

503. - You could put kale in it.

504. - I don't want garlic.

505. - Why?

506. - I hate garlic.

507. - Okay.

508. - Okay.

509. We haven't put any kale in it.

510. - It won't work.

511. - It will.

512. - Go on, then.

513. It won't work.

514. - Oh, yeah, it worked.

515. - I bet it's a thimbleful.

516. That's enough now.

517. Cheers, Kel.

518. - Look, you're gonna ultimately end up in Florida.

519. - Okay.

520. - But before we take you to Florida,

521. Jack and I are gonna take Pearl and Andy camping.

522. That way you have time to recover from your surgery,

523. and then we'll hit the road.

524. - When is that gonna be?

525. - Like, tomorrow.

526. - Tomorrow?

527. Where are you going?

528. - We are going to Joshua Tree,

529. camping with Andy and Pearl, because

530. Jack just wants to do something special with them, so the—

531. - Okay. Sounds a good idea.

532. How long are you going for?

533. - I think like two days.

534. - Okay.

535. Where's Joshua Tree, anyway?

536. - In Palm Springs.

537. - Okay.

538. - I thought you said it tasted like.

539. - It's not bad.

540. - Is this all you can eat right now?

541. - Well, occasionally I have a little bit of ice cream.

542. It's cold on my teeth.

543. Don't eat much, though.

544. - Really?

545. - No.

546. Where you going?

547. What are you—what are you doing?

548. - Dad, you've been eating tons of ice cream.

549. The entire freezer is filled with ice cream.

550. - It's not all mine.

551. - Whose is it, then?

552. How about that one.

553. That's good.

554. And that one.

555. Well, I have a spoonful now and again.

556. - You're such a liar.

557. Dad, I gotta go.

558. I think I've realized what one of my favorite

559. things about you in the entire world is.

560. - What?

561. - How excited you get when you have ice cream.

562. - I love ice cream.

563. You know them gallons?

564. I could down one of them.

565. - I've watched you do it.

566. - I could live on it.

567. - I think you do.

568. - Yeah, I do.

569. - You just love it.

570. And then Polly has some with you,

571. and you share ice cream with Polly.

572. - So Kelly, she's flipped—flipped the script

573. and she's all gung-ho for coming out on the road.

574. But my worry is that she's gonna get overwhelmed.

575. You know, Kelly's very particular with

576. how she likes to go about her day.

577. You know, she likes her stuff.

578. - Um, I actually think it's a really good idea for Kelly,

579. because you and your dad have had such

580. an amazing experience together.

581. - And plus the fact that the three of us

582. have never gone on a trip together.

583. - No, not since you were really young.

584. - Yeah.

585. - When you were super hot.

586. Your gorgeous years.

587. - Yeah, you know, my babyface years.

588. What's your thoughts on me going?

589. - I think it's fine, because I mean,

590. my mom's gonna be in town.

591. - Yep, this is very true.

592. - Where are you guys gonna go?

593. - First stop is New Mexico,

594. then Missouri, Nashville, then Alabama.

595. So ultimately the plan is to end up

596. in Florida for Dad's first show.

597. - Mm-hmm.

598. - Or right before his first show.

599. And then I'm worried that she's just

600. gonna find Dad and I really annoying.

601. So today, I am leaving on a little camping trip—

602. - Mm-hmm, that'll be fun.

603. —to give you a break.

604. - I'm rolling with my girl squad.

605. - Here's your car seat.

606. And it's going to just be me and Kelly

607. and the girls going, because my dad is

608. recovering from dental surgery.

609. - Andy, are you all tucked in?

610. Are you ready to go?

611. - Pearl, get in the car, please.

612. Let's start loading stuff up.

613. - Maybe I should drive.

614. - You gonna be all right backing out of here?

615. - Yeah.

616. - We gotta go.

617. I'll back you out.

618. Keep cutting it.

619. - Damn, I'm good.

620. That was impressive.

621. - Yeah, whatever.

622. Hey, Kel, what do you think of my haircut?

623. - Nice haircut.

624. - You like driving this thing?

625. Be honest, you kinda do, right?

626. - I'm very aware of how dangerous it is.

627. - Yeah, it takes a while to get comfortable, like—

628. - But at the same time, like,

629. I'm kinda good at it, so my ego makes me like it.

630. - Yeah.

631. When was the last time you went camping?

632. - With you.

633. - But you've gone, like, festival camping.

634. - No.

635. - I thought you stayed at those, like,

636. at Glastonbury a couple of times.

637. - That's glamping.

638. Festival camping is not what we're doing.

639. There is no band, there is no music,

640. there is no drugs, and there is no booze.

641. - Before we get to the camp,

642. we definitely need to stop and get groceries.

643. - Do I get off here?

644. No, next one.

645. - Actually, no, you were supposed to get off there.

646. Kelly!

647. See?

648. No, oh, yep, I got this.

649. Gonna kill us all.

650. Make a right here.

651. - I can see.

652. Oh my god.

653. Stop.

654. - Make a right right here.

655. - Stop.

656. - Look, park right there.

657. - I'm not parking there, that's not wide enough.

658. - No, it is, there's—

659. - I need a wide berth.

660. - You're going the wrong way now.

661. - I'm not.

662. - Where are you going?

663. - I'm gonna park in the space here.

664. - Or what I would do is—

665. - I don't care what you would do.

666. - Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

667. - Oh.

668. - Look.

669. - Why are you so annoying?

670. - Hi, I'm Kelly.

671. I'm so sassy, with my bright red hair.

672. - What do we get?

673. - You're taking pictures of wine?

674. - No.

675. - You were.

676. - Ice cream, high five.

677. - Jack, you have all this stuff,

678. and there's no salad or vegetables to go with it.

679. - We're gonna get it.

680. Don't try and judge my shopping.

681. Get some avocados— oh, yeah.

682. Ooh, you pick good ones.

683. Oh, yeah.

684. Okay, that's good.

685. Here we go, all done.

686. - You've perturbed me.

687. - Hey, Kel?

688. - What?

689. - Do you wanna get these?

690. - No.

691. - No, no, seriously, look.

692. - No.

693. - Hey Nanny Kelly.

694. - Uh-huh?

695. - Have some Deez Nuts.

696. - It's Deez Nuts.

697. - Thank you.

698. Will you give these to Dad and tell him

699. I said that he's a bad man?

700. - Ooh, English stuff— PG Tips?

701. What is this?

702. - Oh, this is my jam.

703. Do they have tomato?

704. - They have tomato.

705. - Mushroom?

706. - They have tomato and they've got leek and potato.

707. - That one's really good, get that one.

708. - We're getting HP Sauce for the morning,

709. we're getting baked beans—the real kind.

710. - Get two of those. - Oh my god, Jack, look—

711. - Ribena? - And bitter lemon.

712. - There's something wrong with you—grab the Ribena.

713. This is awesome.

714. - Oh my god, Jack, look.

715. - These are called Jelly Tots,

716. and Kelly's nickname is Tots.

717. - Because Kelly Tots, Jelly Tots.

718. - This is awesome.

719. Pearl, this is all the food that Daddy grew up eating.

720. Like this is better than, like, the English shop.

721. Actually, we got too much stuff for one night.

722. - Whatever, I'm taking the English stuff back with me.

723. - Can we just talk about the most yankster

724. grocery store in the middle of nowhere?

725. That was the best grocery store I think I've ever been to.

726. - In America, for sure.

727. - They had beans, gotta have Heinz—

728. - They had baked beans, they had Marmite,

729. they had Ribena.

730. - Yep.

731. - They even had Lucozade.

732. - They did have Lucozade.

733. - Which is nuts.

734. - Which was the original sports drink.

735. You know that?

736. - You always knew the grimy kids because

737. they had a bit of leftover Lucozade

738. at the corner of their mouth.

739. - Eh, it's like orange, like— - It's so gross.

740. —battery acid looking stuff.

741. - Jackie, did you get—

742. - Oh, where's Andy?

743. Why would you leave Andy?

744. - I didn't leave her, she was with you.

745. Why are you screaming at me? I was with Pearl.

746. - Because I left you— - She was with you.

747. - Go and get her.

748. - Come here, Pearl.

749. Daddy's here, come here.

750. He's screaming at me because he left you.

751. Come this way.

752. I love the way you're yelling at me

753. because you left your child.

754. I was on a completely different aisle

755. getting salt and pepper.

756. You did that.

757. - She was with you.

758. - She was not with me, I was with Pearl.

759. - Okay.

760. That was your fault.

761. That was your test, you failed.

762. - That was your fault.

763. - That was your test and you failed.

764. - And you left your own child, and you're yelling at me for it.

765. - Okay—graham crackers, and we're outta here.

766. - You guys did so good in there.

767. - You go sit down and we're gonna get candy and stuff.

768. How's your diaper?

769. - No!

770. - Oh, you wanna keep it on?

771. - Can we go now?

772. - Hold on, I'll just pee.

773. Kelly!

774. - What?

775. - I'm pissing in here.

776. - I didn't know you were peeing.

777. - I just said let me pee.

778. You did that on purpose.

779. - I swear to god I did not hear you.

780. - Did you speak to Dad yesterday?

781. - Yeah.

782. I love Dad so much.

783. He's so unique.

784. - He is.

785. He's like a rare orchid.

786. He's either that or like some kind of rare African plague.

787. I still haven't quite figured it out yet.

788. Thanks for taking Dad to Arizona.

789. It was awesome of you.

790. - It was really fun.

791. We had a really, really good time,

792. although some of the things we were doing

793. were not my kind of thing.

794. - Mm-hmm.

795. - I did get a lot out of it, and it was really fun

796. to do that kind of stuff with Dad for the first time.

797. And I totally get why you have so much fun doing it.

798. - All right, real talk—

799. are you gonna come with me and Dad on the trip?

800. - Yeah.

801. - With Polly?

802. - You don't get me without Polly.

803. The total highlight for me is just getting

804. to spend more time with Dad.

805. We never get to do normal father-daughter

806. things or father-son things.

807. - Hell, no.

808. - We've been a hotel room most of our relationship with him.

809. - Yeah.

810. - But I will tell you this— I guarantee I have

811. a different kind of fun with dad than you do.

812. - You've had four days.

813. It's gonna be fun, though, when all three of us go—

814. you in the back.

815. - I will be driving, otherwise I'm not going.

816. - You can't drive every day.

817. - Yes, I can.

818. - That's not the way this works.

819. "Ozzy and Jack's World Detour."

820. Listen, you're gonna be our, like, token road dog.

821. - That's not appealing.

822. Okay, you need me—

823. - We will— - That is the sacrifice.

824. - No, no, no, no, no—we would like you to come;

825. we don't need you to come.

826. - Not the way I see it.

827. - Compromise—we'll do one day on, one day off.

828. - Okay.

829. - Pound it.

830. See? Equality for women.

831. - Oh, like you're giving me a gift?

832. That's the way it should be.

833. you.

834. - In one mile, turn right onto Kickapoo Trail.

835. - What did that say?

836. - Kickapoo.

837. - Kickapoo?

838. - Yes.

839. Hey, Pearl?

840. - What?

841. - Do you know what the street's called that we're going to?

842. - What?

843. - Kickapoo.

844. - Kickapoo?

845. - We're gonna go kick a poo.

846. - Why is it called that?

847. - It's named after your father.

848. - Can we talk about the fact that when we were kids,

849. we once gathered a thousand dollars

850. and made someone eat a turd?

851. - It was more than a thousand dollars.

852. - It was Rudy.

853. - Doody Rudy.

854. - Rudy ate the doody.

855. How gnarly was that?

856. - There was a lot of people in on that.

857. It just wasn't a—

858. - I know, but we very much were the inspiration behind it.

859. - I cannot believe he ate—

860. - Isn't that up?

861. We were, like, 12 and 13.

862. - Oh, the good old days.

863. - How does this not go any faster?

864. - This thing weighs over a thousand pounds.

865. That's what we had—that's the Boogie Wagon!

866. That was the original Boogie Wagon.

867. That was the one that Dad and I had.

868. That was a GNC camper.

869. Oh, dusty area.

870. Slow—slow it up, sister.

871. - Ahh. - Ahh.

872. - Woo—this'll rattle your loose.

873. - What is this?

874. - What do you mean, what is this?

875. It's a dirt road.

876. - Why is there no road?

877. - Because we're in the wild.

878. Kelly, seriously, do slow—

879. - Jack—

880. - I know, Kelly, but I'm being serious—slow down.

881. - I'm going 20 miles an hour.

882. - Yes, because you just started slowing down.

883. - You are the worst backseat driver ever.

884. - Oh, Dad got knocked over.

885. Kickapoo.

886. - This way?

887. - Yeah.

888. That's the cabin, up there.

889. - You really put us in the middle of nowhere, Jackie.

890. - It's called camping—the great wide-open.

891. - All right, we've arrived.

892. - Whoa.

893. - Wow, let's explore.

894. Got a little outdoor kitchen.

895. - This is awesome.

896. - And look.

897. - We have to pee outside?

898. - No, it's inside.

899. Let's go check out the tent.

900. - I'm so excited.

901. - This place is rad.

902. We're gonna have so much fun.

903. Let me get you a head torch.

904. It's too dark to be going off by yourself.

905. - Okay.

906. - Should we go help Daddy set up?

907. - Daddy's gotta cook dinner.

908. - How you doing, Kel?

909. You look like you've got the layers down.

910. - Polly.

911. - Do you think Polly looks at you

912. the same way you look at her?

913. - I know she does.

914. - Like, do you think she looks at you like,

915. you're my life partner.

916. - I don't look at her like she's my life partner,

917. I look at her like she's my child.

918. - Is it weird that, like, I would totally be happy,

919. like, living in a place like this?

920. - Hey, Jack, where's Pearl?

921. - Hey, Pearl?

922. Pearl?

923. Pearl?

924. - Oh my god—

925. - Okay, okay, okay, come on.

926. Get Scott, please.

927. Get the med kit.

928. - Okay.

929. Kel, grab me my grey backpack, right in the front seat.

930. - You're okay.

931. Deep breaths.

932. Hey, look at me.

933. - Will it hurt?

934. - No—it'll hurt a little bit, but you're okay.

935. We're gonna wash up your hand.

936. Hey, tell me exactly what you had for lunch.

937. What did you have?

938. - You have a sandwich?

939. Oh, tell me, what was that fruit punch taste like?

940. - Did it?

941. You're okay.

942. Did you have fun when you went camping

943. with me and Nanny Kelly?

944. - I—a little bit.

945. - What was your favorite part?

946. - Being my roommate?

947. - When we went into the grocery store.

948. - Going to the grocery store was your favorite part?

949. - You really are an Osbourne.

950. - What about when you grabbed the cactus,

951. was that fun?

952. - No.

953. - Tell us what happened.

954. How did you end up grabbing the cactus?

955. - So I was behind the tent,

956. I was walking like this and then I tripped.

957. - Oh, so you tripped.

958. And did you land on it,

959. or did you just hit it as you fell down?

960. - I hit it.

961. - Wow.

962. I've never heard you scream like that.

963. - Can I try?

964. - No!

965. - Okay.

966. - Can everyone look at me and smile?

967. - Say "cheese."

968. - Cheese! - Cheese!

969. - Pearl, remember that time you grabbed a cactus?

970. - No.

971. - I do.

972. How's your hand feeling now?

973. - You're a tough girl, Pearl.

974. - Andy, you wanna come sit with us?

975. - Wanna come sit by the campfire?

976. - Andy— Let's roast marshmallows and make s'mores.

977. - I'm so excited to watch you.

978. - Okay, watch—put that right there.

979. Andy, smile.

980. Pearl, you ready for bed?

981. - Okay, Dad.

982. - Okay.

983. Pearl, man, that scream— I'll never forget that.

984. All is well now.

985. It was a long day, but it was a great day.

986. I loved spending time with the girls and with Kelly.

987. She's a great driver too.

988. She can really handle the Boogie Wagon,

989. so it pleases me to know that if Kelly does come with us,

990. that she'll be sharing some of the responsibility with me.

991. So that being said, night.

992. So it is 9:00 a. m.

993. I was up about 7:30, kids were up at 6:30.

994. And Kelly—she's still getting ready.

995. Typical Kelly.

996. All right, we're gonna go look for bears.

997. Come on, let's go.

998. - Yeah.

999. Dad, can you see me?

1000. - I can.

1001. - I haven't found a bear yet.

1002. - Pearl, where are you?

1003. - I'm right behind you.

1004. You guys know what this is— this is coyote poop.

1005. - It is?

1006. - Yeah.

1007. - What are you doing?

1008. - Andy's locked in and now obsessed with

1009. a hole in the ground.

1010. I think she just sniffed a coyote poop.

1011. - That's funny.

1012. - Guys, you wanna set up some kites?

1013. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I've gotta get it going.

1014. Pearl, come here, come here.

1015. - Oh.

1016. - It's a jellyfish.

1017. - Andy, come here.

1018. Go get the green one, Pearl.

1019. - Okay.

1020. - Oh, no—no!

1021. - Is it stuck?

1022. - Yeah.

1023. - Oh my god, the kite's stuck in the tree.

1024. - He's dead.

1025. - Let's move away from this tree.

1026. - Kelly!

1027. - Wow, Andy, you did so good!

1028. - Camping looks so good on you, Kelly.

1029. - Shut up.

1030. What happened to that kite?

1031. - Nothing.

1032. You wanna let it go?

1033. - Yes.

1034. - All right—three, two, one—

1035. - Oh, Andy!

1036. - No!

1037. - Not it.

1038. - I'll get it.

1039. - Wait, it's still going—it's still going.

1040. - It still lives.

1041. - All righty, let's Facetime Mama.

1042. Hi.

1043. We're all just hanging out, how you doing?

1044. How's Min?

1045. - Oh—hi.

1046. Hi.

1047. - They're having so much fun out here.

1048. - All right, I'll speak to you later.

1049. - Will do. Love you too, bye.

1050. - Dad, I don't wanna get sting by a cactus—got it?

1051. - Got it.

1052. What—oh, Pearl, look.

1053. This was the culprit.

1054. These were the cactus plants.

1055. - Can we go now, Dad?

1056. - It really was beautiful here.

1057. - We should come back here.

1058. - I know.

1059. - Pearl, what are you listening to?

1060. - Why are my kids listening to, like,

1061. thrash metal back there?

1062. They're weird.

1063. Yeah, so we're gonna go to this dinosaur place that—

1064. - The one we used to stop at when we were kids?

1065. - Yeah, I don't know, I figured

1066. it's something the kids would get into.

1067. - When we first started going, we were

1068. the same ages as Pearl and Andy.

1069. - Probably, yeah.

1070. - And it was always coming back on the tour bus.

1071. We would stop because Mum and Dad would take us

1072. to the dinosaurs, because it was in the Peewee Herman movie.

1073. - Oh, we're here— the dinosaurs.

1074. - Ooh!

1075. - You guys wanna know some facts about these dinosaurs?

1076. - Yeah.

1077. - Their named Dinny and Rex.

1078. Dinny is the largest dino in the world at 151 feet long,

1079. and this one is 65 feet tall.

1080. And they were built by a sculpting artist in 1964.

1081. You know who was alive in 1964?

1082. - Who?

1083. - Your grandparents and dinosaurs.

1084. - They were seeing dinosaurs?

1085. - I'm pretty sure they were.

1086. - Jack.

1087. - Let's go see dinosaurs.

1088. Look at that.

1089. Lions and tigers and bears—

1090. - Oh, my.

1091. - Hey, guys, look— velociraptor.

1092. Hey, everybody, we're inside a T-rex.

1093. Let's go on in.

1094. - Wow.

1095. - Oh, wow, we can go all the way up to its mouth.

1096. Let's keep going.

1097. Look, let's look out— come stand here.

1098. - Wow.

1099. - Cool.

1100. - What did dinosaurs say?

1101. - Louder!

1102. - All right, let's take a picture with me.

1103. You're the cutest.

1104. I like my kids.

1105. Let's go home and see Mummy.

1106. I must say, all in all, this is the first time I've taken

1107. both Andy and Pearl camping, and it felt pretty good.

1108. - So is Lisa cool with you coming back on the road?

1109. - Yeah, she is.

1110. - Are you sure?

1111. - She hasn't flat-out said no, I'm not cool with it.

1112. She's got some concerns,

1113. but there's definitely ways to make it work.

1114. And we're not gone for that long.

1115. This isn't, like, months and months and months.

1116. Hey, look, Dad did it to us.

1117. We turned out fine.

1118. Right?

1119. - I'm all kinds of up.

1120. - Rocky boy!

1121. Oh, Rock.

1122. I don't wanna leave you, Rock.

1123. I love you so much.

1124. You like when I go away, you get more treats.

1125. Won't be too long.

1126. Take care of the place, eh?

1127. I'll send you a chop.

1128. I'm gonna miss you, Rock.

1129. I'll get you on some Facetime, yeah?

1130. I love you, Rocky.

1131. See you later.

1132. - We've got Dad's dipping station.

1133. He's trying to lose weight, so what better way

1134. to lose weight than bring giant French baguettes.

1135. I've got my iced coffees.

1136. Did you get what you wanted?

1137. - I'll be fine.

1138. - Oh, famous last words.

1139. Then you're gonna be like,

1140. why didn't you bring me bitter lemon.

1141. - Well, we don't have any of that in this country.

1142. - You about ready to go?

1143. - Yeah.

1144. - I think so, are you ready to go?

1145. - I'm, like, I've been ready all day.

1146. - You've got socks, underwear— - Everything.

1147. - Jewels. - Yeah.

1148. - Do you have your pens and your book.

1149. - I've got everything.

1150. - Okay.

1151. - Are we going or what?

1152. - Yes.

1153. - All right, who's driving?

1154. I'm not sitting in the back, right off the bat.

1155. - Oh my god, that— we had a discussion

1156. where you agreed—

1157. - We did—one day on, one day off.

1158. Let me have the first day.

1159. - s sake, will you ever stop arguing?

1160. - First day, come on.

1161. - Are we going, or are you gonna sit arguing all day?

1162. - This is—this is—

1163. - You're yelling at us.

1164. - This is an adult discussion.

1165. Can I do, like, the first little bit?

1166. - No, it's not fair.

1167. - Please?

1168. Yes, it is.

1169. - It's my Boogie Wagon.

1170. - This is insane.

1171. - Do you wanna drive, then?

1172. That's the solution.

1173. - No, no, no, I'm just waiting for you

1174. to get your asses in the —

1175. - Okay.

1176. All right, let's go.

1177. - Don't forget your ham.

1178. - And don't forget your ham and your bread.

1179. - It's the only tour I've ever been on

1180. where I've put weight on.

1181. Kelly, you coming or what?

1182. - Yeah.

1183. - We should have some fun on this trip.

1184. - I forgot Polly.

1185. - Let's go.

1186. - Come on, Polly.

1187. - Fine, but then I have to drive tomorrow.

1188. - No.

1189. - One day on, one day off.

1190. - nuts.