Ozzy and Jack's World Detour 3x1

1. - We are at my parents' house in Los Angeles,

2. and there's a press conference going on because

3. my dad has just announced his final world tour.

4. So things are a little busy around here.

5. And that's Kelly, being really funny, ha, ha, ha.

6. Dad loves touring, he loves performing live.

7. He just doesn't love doing press.

8. - Are you going anywhere on this last tour

9. that you haven't been in a long time?

10. - Korea.

11. - Oh, are we playing Korea?

12. - Might be.

13. - Thanks for telling me.

14. - That's exactly why he wants to get out of town

15. and hit the road, because over the next couple months

16. he's scheduled to have a huge amount of press commitments.

17. There's people in every room in the house right now,

18. so it's a little invasive.

19. This is the most invasive person.

20. Don't you dare.

21. I am trying to work.

22. - Sharon, what's it gonna be like

23. to have Ozzy at home all the time?

24. - I'm frightened.

25. I just wanna get the out of here.

26. - My name's Jack Osbourne, world adventurer,

27. thrill-seeker, and adrenaline junkie.

28. And this is my dad Ozzy—

29. heavy metal god—

30. - Are you ready?

31. —Prince of Darkness,

32. and loving grandfather.

33. Growing up, my dad was away from home a lot touring,

34. and we missed hanging out.

35. So now we've decided to hit the road together

36. and make up for lost time, taking in all the beauty—

37. - Wow.

38. —and the bizarre that America has to offer.

39. But this time, we might be bringing along my sister Kelly.

40. - Keep going, keep going—

41. stop, stop, stop, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

42. - Stop, stop!

43. - I'm stopping! , calm down!

44. - It's about to get interesting.

45. - All aboard!

46. - Welcome to "Ozzy and Jack's World Detour."

47. - Let's rock and roll.

48. - So my dad calls me, he's like listen,

49. your mum's got me doing all this work for the tour.

50. I love touring, I love doing my shows,

51. but I hate doing all this other work—help.

52. So I need to figure out how I can rescue my dad,

53. but keep it local to LA.

54. For two reasons—Dad's got work, and my beautiful wife

55. is expecting our third baby any day now.

56. And she will positively murder me if I completely go off

57. the radar and, like, hey, I'll see you in, like, couple months.

58. We're gonna go drive around America with my dad, see ya.

59. - So convenient, right?

60. - I mean, you didn't have to stop for a piss,

61. if you want; you could just go in the back and it was great.

62. - I must say, it's good to be out of the house,

63. you know, back on the road.

64. - Yeah, I mean, it's where we belong, son.

65. It's more hard work being at home

66. than it is ever being on the road.

67. - But let's not tell our wives that.

68. - If we do, we're.

69. You know, we should just go on the road, man.

70. - I've got the baby coming.

71. Lisa'll murder me.

72. - There's gotta be a way you can do it.

73. - That's true.

74. I could just be like, "My dad was always gone,

75. and look how I turned out."

76. - Yeah, exactly.

77. - Um, how about you ask her?

78. - You can off.

79. When I was younger,

80. I use to think how is it that men die before women?

81. Because they.

82. - There's only so much one can take.

83. - At death I'll be like, "Thank , a good night's sleep."

84. - Where are we going anyway, though?

85. - We're going to the juvenile store,

86. which is a baby shop.

87. - Why are we driving round in circles?

88. - Because I'm looking for parking.

89. - Where's the baby shop?

90. - It's just up here on the right.

91. So I can't believe I'm telling you this story.

92. I was—we—me and Lisa were shopping for

93. stuff for—for Pearl, and all of a sudden I got sick before I—

94. - Sick meaning throwing up?

95. - I had a bit of a—a bowel issue.

96. - Oh, yeah?

97. - And I blew out the toilet here,

98. and, like, they fully shamed me.

99. It was, like, really bad.

100. And so I haven't been back here in six years.

101. I'm afraid to show my face.

102. - This is a big one. - Yeah.

103. I didn't even know this was here.

104. - We haven't really decided yet.

105. I'm gonna get one of these, because this is cool.

106. Oh, that's cool as.

107. What is this?

108. - Hey, Jack—is that the bathroom?

109. - Shut up.

110. Hey, Jack, do you wanna go to the toilet?

111. - And we're picking up a crib.

112. - A crib, yes.

113. - Okay. - Okay?

114. - Awesome.

115. - Do you wanna use the bathroom, Jack?

116. - Talk to you soon.

117. - All right, bye-bye.

118. - Bye-bye.

119. - All right, I'll take it from here.

120. - It ain't gonna fit.

121. - Yeah, it will.

122. Boom.

123. - You with your ripping sense of humor.

124. - They definitely remembered, I could tell in her eyes.

125. Walked in, they were like, oh, the phantom.

126. - Dun-dun-dun!

127. He's The Stink.

128. - So I woke up this morning, and Dad sent me a message saying,

129. "There's something in the driveway."

130. So like any sane person I got up,

131. got dressed, came outside, and found this behemoth.

132. It's a new Pleasure-Way.

133. Let's see this bad boy—holy.

134. Look at this.

135. Look at all this frikkin' space.

136. Kids are going to freak.

137. Wow, this is awesome.

138. , yeah.

139. I wanna fill this baby pur.

140. Pearl could sleep in there, like straight up.

141. How convenient—it happens to be fully stocked

142. with all of my dad's snacks and beverages that he likes.

143. Oh, look, he's got his tea.

144. I'm pretty sure this is the most unsubtle way of my dad saying,

145. "Hey, let's go back out on the road,

146. oh, let's go have fun."

147. Because I've gotta be honest—

148. I'm having a baby, and, like,

149. the missus is gonna be totally cool with me

150. hitting the road in this thing for—for months.

151. - Hi.

152. - What up, dude?

153. - Who's RV is that?

154. - Who do you think sent it over, fully stocked—hint-hint,

155. wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

156. - Dad.

157. - So you know Dad gets anxious and all,

158. like, scatterbrainy before the tour coming up,

159. and I wanted to help him out.

160. - You make me anxious.

161. - Well, you make me anxious because I'm always like,

162. what am I gonna say, and then she's gonna yell at me and—

163. - I don't yell, I'm the queen of giving you a silent look.

164. I give you—

165. - You break eye contact and you go—

166. See? See, you just did it!

167. You just did it!

168. - No!

169. - Hi, Dada.

170. - So Jack, what do you think?

171. - It's a pretty cool camper.

172. - I told you.

173. - I like it, I like it a lot.

174. - Dad, why did you pack it with food and everything?

175. - Oh, well, you know, you never know—

176. what if you break down or whatever?

177. - I mean, yeah, you stocked that thing.

178. - Oh, well, come on, it's—you have a—

179. - I just feel like you have ulterior motives,

180. Father—that's all I'm saying.

181. - I know.

182. Is there—is there some secret thing?

183. - No—Jack, you're asking me—

184. - Just be honest, just be honest.

185. - I bought for you.

186. - Thank you.

187. Is this a subtle ploy because you're like,

188. quick, get me the out of here?

189. - No, I'd like to go round in it.

190. - I—I—we can't—we can't do an epic cross-country again.

191. Lisa will kill me.

192. - She'll be all right.

193. Don't you really wanna drive it?

194. - I gladly will.

195. Let's go now.

196. - I've gotta pop in and get some clothes—

197. you don't wanna go now, do you?

198. - No.

199. We've gotta ease into this.

200. We're dealing with a very pregnant Lisa.

201. You have to ask the wife.

202. - No, no, no, no, no.

203. - So who's gonna ask her?

204. - I—Kelly.

205. - Kelly is often at the house,

206. and her and Lisa's relationship is really good.

207. So it's better to have Kelly ask Lisa if it was cool

208. if you and I hit the road.

209. - That's what I say.

210. No, thank you.

211. - You think because I'm a girl you want me to go

212. and manipulate Lisa so that you—

213. - Yeah.

214. - No, I'm not doing it.

215. - Because women are master manipulators.

216. - Nope.

217. - And you know what you are?

218. A masturbator, and I am not doing it.

219. - Why not?

220. - Because.

221. - It's not manipulation.

222. - I love you, Jack, so much—

223. - She would —

224. —but I'm not doing that.

225. - If I go, "Hey, Lisa, um, I'm just gonna go on a road trip

226. with my dad for the next three months,

227. are you cool with that?"

228. - You should do it.

229. - Me? - Yeah.

230. - Yes, that's why—exactly why you should do it.

231. - Because she's gonna go "Why is there a camper

232. in my driveway, and who bought that dumb thing?"

233. If I can't go, why don't you take Dad?

234. - Nope.

235. - Why don't you, Kelly?

236. - What is it—

237. - For years you've been like oh,

238. you and Dad look like you have so much fun, oh."

239. - Now's your chance.

240. - If I can't go and you wanna go Kerouac on everyone's ass—

241. Now I'm saying—

242. - I don't wanna live out of a van.

243. I grew up on a bus,

244. I don't wanna go back to that, thank you.

245. - You are missing out.

246. - It's great.

247. - Kelly, you're a single, 32-year-old woman—

248. - Oh, my—oh my god.

249. You've got my age wrong,

250. and I can't believe you just spinsterfied me.

251. - No, you're 32.

252. - Three, darling.

253. - How are you 33 and I'm 31?

254. - It was a leap year.

255. - What the—how do you not know your own age?

256. - Wait, what year is it?

257. - you were high.

258. - I have been high for 25 years, like, come on.

259. - It's 2018.

260. - And I was born in 1984.

261. - Do the math—you're gonna be 33;

262. you're 32 currently.

263. - Oh, whatever.

264. - Wow, that blonde hair has really taken hold of you.

265. - Oh, that feels good, thank you.

266. - Hello, family.

267. - Hi.

268. - Hi.

269. - Hello.

270. - Hey.

271. - Go on, Kelly. - What's going on?

272. - They're trying to get me to manipulate you,

273. and I won't do it.

274. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

275. What in the are you talking about?

276. - What's going on wi- What d, manipulate me?

277. - Dad bought Jack a van, and they wanna go

278. on a road trip.

279. So they're trying to get me to ask you

280. instead of asking themselves.

281. - When?

282. - Can you guys grow some balls

283. and just say where you wanna go and how long

284. you're gonna be away for, and Lisa can be like—

285. - Well, I—

286. - I'll be at the spa with Kelly, I'll see you when you get back.

287. - I never—no specific place to go,

288. we just wanna drive around for a day or so.

289. - He wants to go—he wants to get the band back together,

290. and he wants to go, like, next week.

291. - Next week?

292. - Yes.

293. - This is my third baby.

294. I could have this thing within, like, two seconds.

295. - But the birth—

296. — Dads don't need to be there.

297. - Oh, Jack, you're so annoying.

298. - Babies don't remember that.

299. - That—that's right.

300. - If that's how you feel.

301. - That's so right, babies don't remember that.

302. - Yeah.

303. - What do you remember about when I was born?

304. - That they thought you were a girl.

305. - Oh, that's great—

306. because my dick was so small?

307. - No, because—

308. - That's your fault.

309. - Mum was already grooming.

310. - Listen, we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

311. - Let's take it one day at a time.

312. Like— - Okay, day at a time, day at a time.

313. - We'll see.

314. - I love traveling around the country with you.

315. - It's a great way to get to know each other,

316. not only father and son—friends.

317. - And road dogs.

318. - Yeah.

319. - you, I am 33 years old.

320. Oh, my god.

321. I'm like, I'm going crazy, I'm going crazy.

322. I have to Google myself.

323. you, Dad, this—I was right.

324. I'm not dumb, you are.

325. Boom.

326. - That means I'm 32.

327. - Yes!

328. Oh my god, you're the dumb one!

329. - But you know what? Hold on, Kelly—

330. - Yeah, I know, you turn 32 this year.

331. - I'm tired of it.

332. - Can I—ooh!

333. - I mean, as long as you guys,

334. I guess, are, like, an hour away from an airport and—

335. - I'm sure we'll be around there.

336. —somewhere where he can get back quickly and—

337. - Yeah, yeah—

338. —like timely, because you never know.

339. Like, the baby could just, like, fall outta me.

340. - Of course I do, yeah.

341. I mean, who else—

342. - Oh, okay.

343. —am I gonna yell at when I'm in labor?

344. You guys gonna take the kids?

345. That would be nice.

346. - Oh, I think so.

347. We're going on Friday, we're going to Legoland.

348. And then I was thinking after that we could just,

349. you know, just drive around for a couple of days.

350. - So wait, you guys wanna go to Legoland

351. and then where do you wanna go after that?

352. - Well it won't that far, I don't think—

353. Florida or something like that.

354. Is that too far?

355. - Yeah, that would be on the other side of the country.

356. - So it's like a—a long way from here.

357. - I'm definitely gonna have to veto Florida.

358. - Okay.

359. - Yeah.

360. - All right.

361. - Mm-hmm.

362. - Oh, okay.

363. - Well, I mean, if you guys wanna go somewhere close,

364. I don't mind.

365. I mean—

366. - You don't mind.

367. - I'm gonna say I don't mind, but I need to know,

368. like, details—

369. - Okay—

370. —before I'm like, I don't mind.

371. - I'm sure—uh, we'll— we'll— we'll work something out.

372. - Probably smart to ask me.

373. - Oh—

374. - You know who the boss is.

375. Yeah, I know.

376. - Give me a grin—that's it, good.

377. Yeah, really good, really good, really good.

378. - My dad right now is in his photo studio,

379. right behind me.

380. He's doing a photo shoot for his upcoming tour,

381. which has just been announced.

382. He's doing his big retirement world tour.

383. - Chin up—that'll do it, yeah.

384. Ah.

385. - He's doing the shoot with a guy named Ross Halfin.

386. - You're looking thin.

387. - They have a love-hate relationship, I think.

388. - That's it.

389. No, don't do that.

390. No, you look ridiculous.

391. - I don't know.

392. There's only so many poses I can do, you know?

393. If I sit like this, if I sit like this—

394. - You're such a poseur.

395. - Gimme that.

396. - He's been doing the same drum style since—

397. - Yeah, so—

398. - Hello, baby.

399. - My toy.

400. - Yeah.

401. - Ha ha ha ha ha!

402. Thank you for bringing Andy.

403. - Let's try the wind machines.

404. - How many photo shoots you think you guys have done?

405. - I started in '77.

406. Forty-one years of him.

407. - And you wanna take a picture with Papa?

408. All right, go—go to Papa.

409. - Come on.

410. - Andy, right here.

411. - Andy, look.

412. - Andy, look, right here.

413. - Good one, you.

414. Smile.

415. Oh, oh, okay—just like Papa. Cheese!

416. - All right, come on, ham sandwich, outta there.

417. - Why are you really going to get in this

418. bus and drive around?

419. - This is what we do, we—

420. - No.

421. I feel like you're running from something.

422. - Well, I'm—I'm—I ultimately wanna drive to the first gig.

423. - Really?

424. - In Florida.

425. But Jack's having this baby, you know,

426. So, it throws a spanner in the works.

427. - Dad, this is not an inconvenience.

428. This is, like, joy to the world and the family.

429. This is gonna be exciting.

430. - Yeah, but once you've had one or two,

431. you—you're used to it, you know.

432. - That poor baby is going to look back

433. and remember you said that.

434. - Yeah, but it—it's no big—big deal.

435. It's not exactly a life-or-death situation, is it?

436. Um, but I suppose it is.

437. - I don't—

438. - Think about it, Kel.

439. I'll give you one second to think about it.

440. You wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor in places, would you?

441. - Are you kidding me?

442. - No.

443. - I would really mind if I had to sleep

444. on the floor in places,

445. - Well—

446. - You sleep on the floor.

447. - Hollywood Boulevard.

448. - This is scary round here.

449. - Yeah, it is.

450. We're gonna have you post up out front

451. of the Mann Chinese Theater,

452. and you're gonna take pictures with people for money,

453. just like an impersonator.

454. So we are going to your Hollywood star.

455. - What for?

456. - Well, Mum asked if we could get a photo with you

457. and your star for some charity.

458. - My good god.

459. I don't know where it is.

460. - It's right out front

461. of the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum—

462. - Oh, yeah, okay, okay.

463. - Have you been to your Hollywood star since you got it?

464. - No.

465. - Did you ever think you'd have a Hollywood star

466. when you were a—a young man?

467. - No.

468. No way.

469. - I think I would be more stoked on a Hollywood star than,

470. like, a Grammy.

471. - Well, I mean, it's all good stuff.

472. - Yeah, but like the cool thing is that'll be there forever.

473. People are always gonna know who you are.

474. - You reckon?

475. - , yes, they will.

476. - Exhibit A.

477. This is definitely your fan base right here.

478. That kid has "Ozzy" tattooed on his knuckles,

479. and he's wearing a Black Sabbath t-shirt.

480. I think he likes you.

481. That's pretty impressive.

482. Is that flattering to you?

483. - Well, yeah.

484. - Dad, smile.

485. We're just gonna go in.

486. The star's right out front, take a picture, bail.

487. - Okay.

488. - Let's do this.

489. Uh, Dad—

490. Oh, come on.

491. All right, quick—smile!

492. Got your star—can't show it.

493. Fun fact—do you know for us to show that star

494. on TV it will cost us $5,000?

495. - My star?

496. - Yeah.

497. - Nah, it.

498. Yeah, blow it out your shorts.

499. - So to keep my dad entertained,

500. and also escape the stuff that he hates to do prior

501. to go on tour, we are gonna do some local LA trips—

502. and we're gonna slide in some promos, per Mum's request.

503. "Yeah, he can go do fun stuff with you,

504. but get him to do these promo lines."

505. So he's gonna be a little sensitive about this.

506. You should get a van to cruise around in.

507. - off.

508. - Well no, it'd be great, because you can piss everywhere.

509. - Yeah.

510. Rock and roll.

511. - Could live in this thing.

512. - Oh, absolutely.

513. And people do.

514. - Thanks for this.

515. This thing's awesome.

516. - You're welcome.

517. - Yeah.

518. - We're gonna do a little warm-up around LA today.

519. - Okay.

520. - The world is our oyster.

521. I'm slightly nervous about driving downtown in this.

522. - What are we going downtown for?

523. - So we're gonna go to this place called The Sky Space.

524. It's the tallest outdoor observation deck

525. west of the Mississippi.

526. - Who the wants to do there?

527. - So about a year or two they opened up this slide,

528. and they built it on the outside of the building.

529. - Yeah.

530. - Like 60 stories up.

531. And it's all made of glass.

532. - No, not me.

533. - And you slide down.

534. It's—

535. - Not for me, thank you.

536. It's totally safe.

537. - Oh, well, it doesn't sound very safe to me.

538. - It's like a 10-foot little woo.

539. - off.

540. I'm 70 this year.

541. - And you're gonna be on the 70th floor.

542. And if you fall to your death, you'll fall from every floor

543. as an age.

544. - off.

545. - So while we're booting around today,

546. Mum asked me to take some pictures

547. for social media for you.

548. - Oh, off!

549. - Don't shoot the messenger.

550. - Wow, they're some big buildings.

551. - Is that the building?

552. - Oh, you can see the slide on the left-hand side.

553. You see a little thing sticking out

554. from the top of the building.

555. - Not me. - Why?

556. - off.

557. - All work, no play.

558. There we go, look—there it is.

559. - You can off.

560. - After you, sir.

561. - Yeah— - Hello.

562. - Hi.

563. - Could we get two tickets?

564. - Here you go, two tickets.

565. - Arms around each other.

566. - Look like we're having fun.

567. - Yes.

568. All right, one, two—

569. One, two—

570. Thanks.

571. - This is the slide, right here?

572. - So this is the sky slide, yeah.

573. - Whoa.

574. - Not me.

575. No, no way.

576. - Come on.

577. - No way.

578. - Come on.

579. How did they put this on?

580. - It's actually a separate piece that we helicoptered in—

581. - Wow.

582. —flying it over the city,

583. and then attached to the side of the building.

584. - Wow.

585. - You brought me here as a joke.

586. - Go on.

587. - Don't—don't— - You wanna do it.

588. - Is that it? - Yeah.

589. - That ain't bad.

590. - Oh!

591. - What the?

592. - That was fun.

593. - It's over before you know it, son.

594. - That was awesome.

595. Was that scary?

596. - I look—

597. - No, you just kinda look forward, right?

598. - I'm sure you're trying to kill me.

599. - Yeah, waiting for inheritance, mother.

600. High five—you did your first adventurous thing.

601. - Heh.

602. - Staples Center.

603. - Oh, yeah.

604. Been there, done it.

605. It's a big city.

606. - Oh, massive.

607. Was it this big when you came here at first?

608. - It was nothing to what it is now.

609. Do you know, one time I was in New York

610. and I was talking to a limo driver.

611. And I said to him, "Have you ever been to the top

612. of the Empire State Building?"

613. He says, "No. Have you ever seen the crown jewels?"

614. I went, "No."

615. And the meaning to that was we take it all for granted.

616. That's why I wanted to go on the road trip with you,

617. because you've taken a lot of your life for granted.

618. - But in order to do that, I would have had

619. to take my baby's birth for granted.

620. - Exactly.

621. Life is weird like that, isn't it?

622. - Well, should we do these promo lines real quick?

623. - Oh, come on.

624. - Come on.

625. - You do them, I don't wanna —

626. - No, it's not my tour.

627. Post up right there.

628. I'll feed you the line.

629. - I don't wanna do these.

630. - I have to get these.

631. - I—I'm—I'm on the roof of a high-rise.

632. What the do I wanna do promos for on the—

633. - It's your retirement concert.

634. - I'm not retiring.

635. You keep saying—I'm—I'm not retiring.

636. - Then why did you announce this as your last tour?

637. - I'm not saying that.

638. - All right, you have to say, "Hello, Florida,

639. it's the Prince of Darkness.

640. "Are you ready to rock?

641. "I'll be in Jacksonville April 27th—

642. - Not too many.

643. Give me a break. I'm an old man now.

644. Hello, Florida, it's the Prince of Darkness.

645. Are you ready to rock?

646. - I'll be in Jacksonville.

647. - I'll be in Jacksonville on April the 27th,

648. headlining rock—rockville.

649. The that mean?

650. - Hi, Jack—I ain't doing this.

651. I'm—I'm roasting here on this roof.

652. I'll pose when the sun goes down on the sidewalk.

653. - All right, just do one more. Just do—just do one more.

654. - Hi, it's Ozzy.

655. I'm coming.

656. That'll do.

657. - All right—can't say I didn't try.

658. - Kelly and I are heading over to the Osbourne's

659. super-secret storage facility, which is kinda like

660. the hangar in the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

661. Big, giant racks full of artifacts.

662. I promised Lisa I would look through everything,

663. because we've gotta dig out some stuff for the baby.

664. We've gotta get a rocker, we've gotta find some toys.

665. So Lisa has basically given Dad and I the thumbs-up to go.

666. There's one stipulation.

667. If the baby starts to arrive,

668. I have to be able to get home very quickly.

669. So I need to find a back-up driver,

670. and there's only one person who can really

671. do this job—and that's TV's Kelly Osbourne.

672. - Pearl? - What?

673. - Can you do me a favor?

674. - What?

675. - I need to send you on a secret mission.

676. This is your mission, if you choose to accept it.

677. - Okay.

678. - I need you to go outside, and I need you to try

679. and convince Nanny Kelly to go with Papa

680. when I come home for the baby.

681. Do you think you will be able to convince her she should go?

682. - Yeah, but how—how—what does "convince" mean?

683. - Kelly? - Uh-huh?

684. - Why don't you wanna go with Papa?

685. - I love Papa, and there's this part of me that really wants

686. to go with Papa, but I don't know if I'm gonna have fun.

687. - You know you're evil, right?

688. - Why?

689. - Because every time you don't have the balls to come up to me

690. and ask me to do something, you get Pearl to do it.

691. - People have been using children

692. to fight wars for thousands of years.

693. - I had fun when I went.

694. You get to stay up late, eat lots of candy,

695. and play with bugs.

696. - Fun.

697. - So Oz, the first date is in Jacksonville, Florida.

698. That's our first full gig.

699. Oh, hey, what's up?

700. - What are you guys doing?

701. What are these?

702. Oh, that—

703. - These are the tarot cards for the VIP people.

704. - Ah, these are good.

705. I feel this tells me you are going on a world tour very soon.

706. This tells me that your gigs will be mostly in the evening.

707. This tells me the empress is present.

708. So the empress with the judgment tells me

709. you too have your balls in a jar on her desk.

710. - Dave, you've gotta pick 'em, because this is your tarot.

711. Oh, the magician, yeah.

712. - Make the magic happen.

713. - Ladies and gentlemen, it's Keto Kelly.

714. - Wait a second, Kelly walked in

715. and I pulled the high priestess card.

716. - Oh.

717. - Why thank you. Oh my god, Mum's on a card.

718. She just throws herself in, I love it.

719. - Oh, yeah.

720. - Mum.

721. - What are you doing today?

722. - Well, I have to go to storage to get a bunch

723. of baby that we have in there.

724. - Oh, can I come?

725. - Yeah, but the only reason you want—

726. - You've never been so eager to go to storage, ever.

727. - Yeah, because he has to do an hour worth

728. of promo stuff with me.

729. - You know what, I'm sure Mum would love

730. you to clear out a bunch of stuff from storage.

731. - Can I drive?

732. - If you'd like.

733. - Really?

734. - Sure.

735. Have you ever driven anything this big?

736. - Maybe.

737. - All right.

738. - Where's Dad gone?

739. - I don't know where he's going.

740. - He's looking in the road.

741. - Where the am I going?

742. Who's driving? - Me.

743. - What are you looking for?

744. No, no, no—no, no—no, no—

745. - The mirror.

746. - No, no—no, no.

747. No, no—no, no, no—no mirror.

748. - There's no mirror?

749. - No, no.

750. - What kind of vehicle is this?

751. - There's a whole bathroom in here.

752. - I want—

753. - And you want a mirror above the thing?

754. - Oh, this is a bad idea, I think.

755. - Well—

756. - I'll drive.

757. - That's a real bad—

758. - No, that's a worse idea.

759. - All right.

760. - Woo, rock on—let's go.

761. - All right—whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

762. See, look? There's already a car, like, right there.

763. So cut it—

764. - Um, did you think that I had—cut which way?

765. - Cut it so—because you need to back—

766. - Watch you don't nip that car, Kel, please.

767. - Other way. You're in reverse.

768. All right, keep going, keep going—stop, stop, stop—

769. - Stop, stop!

770. - I'm stopping!

771. , calm down.

772. - All right, put my seatbelt on.

773. - Oh, I'm putting my crash helmet on.

774. I don't wanna —

775. - all of you, I'm gonna get us there safer

776. and way smoother than you'd ever do it.

777. - It's a matter of life and death.

778. - Watch—you're good—

779. - Watch what?

780. I'm doing it!

781. - You're doing good.

782. I'm just nervous.

783. - Okay, this is gonna be a really awful experience

784. if you're like ugh the whole way.

785. - Any more seat bealts?

786. Ah, it. I'll put my head down.

787. - Dad, take the dog.

788. - No!

789. - Why can't he hold the dog?

790. - That is a condition.

791. - He can hold the dog while I'm trying to help—

792. He will not stay with me.

793. Come on, babe, put a seatbelt on.

794. - What did you think when Kelly first got behind the wheel?

795. - She's a completely different driver to you.

796. She not only drives the car, she drives me nuts.

797. - You're doing good.

798. How you doing back there, Dad?

799. - Good.

800. The Prince of Darkness— look where I end up.

801. - Smile!

802. Got this.

803. - Look at you!

804. - Ow, er!

805. - Stop fighting while she's driving.

806. - Kelly!

807. Hands on the wheel.

808. - I hate that app.

809. - that off, Jack, it's driving me nuts.

810. - See, even Dad says it's annoying.

811. - Ha, ha!

812. - Stop it!

813. - What do you think about maybe drive a little more?

814. - We're only going to storage,

815. Jack.

816. - No, I meant, like, in another state.

817. - I know where you're going with this.

818. - But seriously.

819. - No.

820. - No?

821. - No.

822. - I'm in a very awkward situation,

823. because Captain Grumplestiltskin back there

824. wants to go hit the road, and I'm about to have a baby.

825. We'll name the baby Kelly if you take him.

826. - Will you?

827. - Maybe.

828. - No.

829. - Here we are.

830. - Oh.

831. - Sorry, Dad.

832. - There you go.

833. You're good there.

834. Hey.

835. High-five.

836. - Ow—you are so aggressive.

837. - You did very good, Kel.

838. - I can't believe I've never been here.

839. - You've never been here?

840. - Uh-uh.

841. Hm.

842. - Here we go.

843. - Dad, don't do that.

844. - His stuff; he can do whatever he wants.

845. - I'll have you know I'm a member

846. of the British police force.

847. - Remember this?

848. - Yeah.

849. - Thanks.

850. - That's my biggest fan.

851. It's like walking down memory—I mean,

852. it's good to come here, because you realize

853. what you've been doing.

854. - Find your baby, let's go.

855. This is from the 1973 tour.

856. Sorry!

857. - Jack, toys.

858. Jack, family memorabilia.

859. - Look at these guys.

860. - off, I'm serious.

861. - Oh, you've been abusive—

862. - I will head-butt you.

863. - You've been abusive to me all—

864. - I will head-butt you.

865. —all day.

866. - Dad—

867. Oh, no!

868. The thing again.

869. - It's Bobby!

870. What's in here?

871. - I must stop masturbating.

872. - Oh my god, please get rid of that.

873. - I must stop masturbating, friend.

874. It is killing me!

875. - You are so damn wrong.

876. Oh, wow.

877. - The masturbation disease!

878. - Shut up.

879. - Look at all this.

880. Let's see what glorious things Kelly once said.

881. - I still stand by that.

882. - What was that?

883. That's a great message for the public.

884. - Yes it is, thank you.

885. - No wonder everyone hated us.

886. Rock and roll!

887. - Oh, off.

888. - Go on, give it to us.

889. Rock and roll!

890. I can still do that.

891. - What parent would say that to their child?

892. - Your parent.

893. - What do you think of this option?

894. - No, —

895. - Hold on, it's either me and Robert, or Kelly and Polly.

896. - Kelly and Polly, any day.

897. - That's sorted, then.

898. Looks like you're going on the road, Kelly.

899. - No!

900. - So me, Kelly, and Dad

901. are gonna be going to Legoland today.

902. The kids have been dying to go,

903. and Lisa has been begging for some peace.

904. So, mission accomplished.

905. It's getting down to the wire with the baby,

906. and I'm praying that Kelly sees actually that her role in life

907. really is to drive my dad around America

908. in our newfangled boogie wagon.

909. Help me, Kelly Osbourne— you're my only hope.

910. - Woo, Legoland!

911. Hi!

912. - Hi!

913. - Hi, mama.

914. - Hi!

915. - Mm.

916. So what's going on?

917. - I don't know, what's going on with you?

918. Where's Dad?

919. - He's in his studio, doing some promos.

920. - Is he not coming to Legoland?

921. - No, he's got all this to do for the tour.

922. - But he—so he told us to take him to—to Legoland

923. on a Friday that he knew he had work.

924. - Quiet, please.

925. Okay, we need one for Cleveland.

926. - Who?

927. - Cleveland.

928. - Hello to England.

929. - Cleveland.

930. - Hello, Cleveland, it's Ozzy Osbourne here.

931. Are you ready to rock?

932. - He really, really, really wanted to go.

933. - Okay.

934. - I made him do the promos.

935. - I get it, it's fine.

936. You know, the tour is more important than,

937. you know, spending time with family, kids and stuff.

938. That's—it's fine, whatever.

939. - At least we won't have to stop every five minutes

940. so he can pee.

941. - Well, the good thing is we have the boogie wagon,

942. so he can pee wherever.

943. So did you know about the RV?

944. - Of course I knew about the RV.

945. - Did he tell you about his master plan behind it?

946. - Yes.

947. He wanted to go across to Florida on the RV

948. to get to the first gig.

949. But the thing is it's your job to get him there on time.

950. I'm gonna nail the itinerary for the RV so you

951. know when he's got to get there for rehearsals and everything.

952. - Awesome.

953. We should probably get going.

954. Do you wanna come see the camper?

955. - I do.

956. Come on.

957. - Isn't this nice?

958. - It's great.

959. I'd live in here.

960. And the little fwidge.

961. This is so good, Jack.

962. - Yeah.

963. Should we hit the road?

964. - Yay!

965. - Three, two, one—

966. - Hit the road, Jack!

967. - All right, I love you.

968. - I love you guys.

969. - See you, see you when we get back tonight.

970. - Have fun. Mwah.

971. - Uh, can you take that bag inside?

972. - I'm just a bag lady, obviously.

973. - See ya.

974. Let's hit it.

975. - Yay, we're going to Legoland!

976. - I love Legoland, I love Legoland,

977. we're going to Legoland.

978. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

979. - Is that the "Ballad of Legoland?"

980. - Yep.

981. It's pretty awesome.

982. Do you like these, Andy, or not?

983. - Does she not like them?

984. - Well, her face looks like she doesn't like them,

985. but she keeps eating them.

986. - That tells me that—that they're doing their job.

987. This is like the perfect example of why Dad wants

988. to hit the road so much, is that every time

989. he wants to do something, he gets pulled into

990. these bigger work things, and just, like, harshes his mellow.

991. - He likes being on stage, but he doesn't like

992. all the other stuff that leads up to being on stage,

993. so he will try and avoid it at all costs.

994. - How big—like, realistically, how big is Polly's brain?

995. - Bigger than yours, clearly,

996. because she knows how to get what she wants.

997. - Pearl, you should tell Nanny Kelly to take Papa.

998. - If you loved me, you would take Papa.

999. - You're a terrible human.

1000. - Don't touch her.

1001. - I'm not touching her.

1002. Not touching her.

1003. - You are so annoying.

1004. - I'm not touching her.

1005. I'm not touching her.

1006. I'm not touching you.

1007. I'm not touching you.

1008. - Drive the RV and stop doing—

1009. - I'm not touching you.

1010. Don't touch me!

1011. I'm not touching you!

1012. - Yes, but you're in my vicinity and I don't like it.

1013. - Okay.

1014. - That is in my vicinity.

1015. Stop it!

1016. - Dad, stop touching Kelly.

1017. - Okay, fine, jeez, stop yelling at me.

1018. Can you sing me a song?

1019. - No.

1020. - Sing me, uh, something from the '80s.

1021. We're at Legoland now?

1022. It looks so cool.

1023. - This is awesome.

1024. - We're at Legoland!

1025. Legoland!

1026. - Hi!

1027. - Andy, say "cheese."

1028. That's right.

1029. Whee!

1030. - Whee!

1031. - I must say, it was a great way

1032. to spend a day out with the family.

1033. - Tell me about it.

1034. I was stuck working.

1035. Hello, Dallas, it's me, Ozzy Osbourne.

1036. I'm gonna come and rock your socks off.

1037. Hello, England, it's Ozzy Osbourne here.

1038. Are you ready to bark at the moon?

1039. How many more of these things do I have to do?

1040. It's driving me crazy.

1041. - So I just need 10 more takes.

1042. - you.

1043. I haven't got 10 more breaths.

1044. this, I'm off.

1045. - So listen, if possible, Kelly, I need you to come out

1046. after I do the first leg, because I'm good for that.

1047. You know you'd be doing me, like,

1048. the biggest favor ever, right?

1049. - Yeah.

1050. - And you know it would, like,

1051. massively help out Lisa and the new baby.

1052. - No, Jack, I'm not stupid.

1053. I know all of that.

1054. It's just—

1055. - Just promise me this—you'll think about it.

1056. - I promise you I will think about it.

1057. - You'll let the seed just sit, you'll water it regularly—

1058. - Shut up.

1059. - Maybe it will take, and out will blossom a beautiful,

1060. adventurous flower.

1061. - Jack, it's not about whether I have it in me or not.

1062. It's—it's like one of these things where I'm being,

1063. like, pressured into it, and I look like an because

1064. I really don't wanna do it.

1065. - But why?

1066. It's so much fun.

1067. - It's not.

1068. - Look how much fun we've had today.

1069. - Can Andy come with me?

1070. - Yeah, you'll turn back real quick.

1071. What'd you think of Legoland?

1072. - I didn't know what to think, but I have to admit,

1073. it was awesome.

1074. Oh.

1075. - Pick up the phone. - Hello?

1076. Hi.

1077. - Hi, what's going on?

1078. - Does she think you're gonna have the baby,

1079. like, very soon?

1080. - Okay.

1081. Um—

1082. - All right, we've gotta figure this out.

1083. - Yeah, no, I don't really wanna miss the birth.

1084. That's how our—our third daughter becomes a stripper.

1085. - No matter what, I'm not going.

1086. So we've just gotta see who can—

1087. who can fill in for—for me while, uh, while—you know.

1088. Because Dad's still gonna wanna go.

1089. Right, Kelly?

1090. Yeah.

1091. Okay.

1092. Can't wait to see loads of pictures.

1093. I wish I was there.

1094. - We miss you, Lisa.

1095. Love you Kels.

1096. I'll talk to you guys later, bye.

1097. - Bye.

1098. - Well, what are you doing next week?

1099. - Oh my god, you're like the worst.

1100. - One thing I will say is that, you know,

1101. these are good memories to have, you know?

1102. Parents aren't gonna be around forever.

1103. I hate you.

1104. - You guys are gonna have a great time, though.

1105. - Oh, how much are you gonna miss me?

1106. - A hundred.

1107. - A hundred?

1108. - That's pretty big.

1109. - That's a lot.

1110. - I'm gonna miss you, like, a million.

1111. - How—how—how long—how long you gonna be?

1112. - Excuse me, you should be happy and joyous

1113. that I'm doing this with you, not like,

1114. "How long are you gonna be, I have to be with her."

1115. - Remember, don't have the dog on your lap

1116. when you drive that thing.

1117. Make sure you flush the toilet when you pee,

1118. and when you poo, just leave it.

1119. It's better that way, just—

1120. - No! - No!

1121. - We'll miss you.

1122. - I know, and I will miss you.

1123. - See you later, Pearl.

1124. - All right, you guys drive safe.

1125. Good luck.

1126. I do owe you.

1127. But you're gonna have a really good time,

1128. so you might end up owing me.

1129. - How long you be, Jack, three weeks?

1130. - I owe you nothing. - Two weeks.

1131. - Don't be too happy about it, Dad.

1132. Let's go.

1133. - Oh, —oh, sure, Kel.

1134. - Seatbelts.

1135. - Bye.

1136. - Tucson, Arizona, here we come.

1137. Woo!

1138. Being on the road with you in this way rather than

1139. being on tour with you when you're performing

1140. is something that I've never done with you before,

1141. and I never thought we'd be able to do together.

1142. - But this was, like, getting to know my family.

1143. - And I think that you're forgetting

1144. that I drive better than Jack.

1145. - Oh, yeah.

1146. No.

1147. - Dad, I forgot my phone.

1148. - What?

1149. - I forgot my phone, we just have to go back in.

1150. - Oh, you're kidding me.

1151. - Dad!

1152. - What's going on?

1153. - Dad, Lisa's gone into labor, we've gotta leave.

1154. - Is this a joke?

1155. - Is this a joke?

1156. - The three of us have never gone on a trip together.

1157. - Wow.

1158. - Oh, massive!

1159. - I can't stop!

1160. - They're all around you!

1161. - I'm worried that she's just gonna find Dad

1162. and I really annoying.

1163. - The Fuhrer!

1164. - You are such a

1165. - You and your dad are really annoying.

1166. - You can eat these

1167. - That's your sister.

1168. - What is wrong with you?

1169. - You think?

1170. - Yeah.

1171. - You like driving this thing?

1172. Kelly!

1173. - She'll be fine.

1174. - You ought to get out of my way.

1175. I can't believe they just left me in here with this.

1176. Three, two, one!

1177. - Really, dude?

1178. - Oh my god.

1179. - Ah, the good old days.

1180. - Thank you.

1181. - Ross.

1182. - Oh, me, Ross is here again.

1183. - He's going in.

1184. - Hey!

1185. - Kissed a few goats in my life.

1186. - We're stuck on a rowboat.

1187. - You want me to get in this?

1188. - Yeah.

1189. Whoa!

1190. - Going to space, you guys.

1191. Here we go!

1192. - Ah!

1193. - Wait, wait, what is this soup?

1194. - The meat's possum

1195. - I'm excited.

1196. Pearl's here. It's her spring break.

1197. - Oh!

1198. - Pearl, where are you?

1199. - I'm right behind you.

1200. - Look at that!

1201. Dad, where'd you learn to do that?

1202. - In prison.

1203. - I have the weirdest family.