Ozzy and Jack's World Detour 2x7

1. - Coming up to the Hoover Dam.

2. Hoover Dam, Hoover Dam.

3. - I've never been on the Hoover Dam.

4. - Really? In all your touring?

5. - It's coming up now?

6. The dam.

7. - No stopping on bridge.

8. - Where's the dam?

9. - This is a bridge.

10. Whoa, look at this thing.

11. - Wow.

12. This is the dam?

13. - No, this isn't the dam,

14. that's the the bridge before the dam.

15. - Okay.

16. - Hold on.

17. Is it?

18. That was the dam?

19. Oh, we missed it.

20. - hell, man.

21. So close, yet so far away.

22. - Dam it.

23. - My name's Jack Osbourne, world adventurer,

24. thrill seeker, and adrenaline junky.

25. And this is my dad, Ozzy.

26. Heavy metal god.

27. - Are you ready?

28. - Prince of darkness.

29. And loving grandfather.

30. Growing up, my dad was away from

31. home a lot, touring.

32. And we missed hanging out.

33. So now, we've decided to hit the road together

34. and make up for lost time,

35. travelling from Florida to Alaska.

36. Taking in all the beauty.

37. Wow.

38. - And the bizarre that America has to offer.

39. - What the is that?

40. - There are no roadies,

41. no tour busses, no boundaries.

42. - All aboard!

43. - Welcome to Ozzy and Jack's World Detour.

44. - Let's rock and roll.

45. - Howdy, we are in Utah.

46. The ultimate goal of this trip is learning

47. how to survive on Mars,

48. which is kind of strange to think,

49. because why would we want to learn

50. how to survive on Mars in Utah?

51. Well, I bet you didn't know that there is a bit of Mars on Utah.

52. Basically, it's the Mars analog research society.

53. It's like a little habitat and it's a group of scientists

54. and people that is collecting

55. data and doing tons of research on what it

56. would take to actually colonize and live on Mars.

57. Learning like, how much water do you need,

58. how much, you know, food do you need?

59. And how do you do this and how do you do that?

60. I'm going to actually go ahead and say this entire

61. episode's probably been inspired by The Martian.

62. So we have to survive on Mars for about a day.

63. It's a different vibe I think, from what me and my dad

64. have done thus far on the road trip.

65. It's a lot of nerd-dom. Kind of right up my alley.

66. So yeah, I'm stoked.

67. This is going to be weird and awesome.

68. - This is wonderful.

69. - Beautiful.

70. - Where are we now, what's it called?

71. - St. George, Utah.

72. Have you spent much time in Utah?

73. - Uh, on tour, in Salt Lake City.

74. - By the way, we got a lot of driving on this trip.

75. - Is there nothing else we can do?

76. - Do you want to maybe find some stuff?

77. - How do you get Siri?

78. - Hold down the middle button,

79. ask her, like, be like, hey, what's there

80. to do around here in Utah.

81. - Hello Siri, this is me. Um—

82. I didn't quite get that.

83. - Okay, okay.

84. I'm in Utah— uh, um, hello.

85. I'm in Utah.

86. - Okay, you're not doing it quick enough.

87. Okay, and go.

88. - I'm in Utah, St. George's.

89. What's there to do in it?

90. - I don't think it understands brummy slang.

91. Let's give this a whirl.

92. Siri, we're looking for fun activities in St. George Utah.

93. - Here's what I found.

94. - Oh, there's a bakery.

95. I'm sure the local bakery is probably exquisite.

96. - No, not going to happen.

97. - Look, we're entering Snow Canyon State Park.

98. - This is unbelievable.

99. - Hello. - Hi.

100. - Please go the 25 miles an hour?

101. - Will do. - Stay on the trails.

102. See you later, Ozzy. - All right.

103. - God Bless. - Take care.

104. - Have a good one.

105. All right, there we go.

106. This is like, insane.

107. - It's unbelievable, it's like a painting.

108. It's like a, you expect to see an

109. Indian come from the path.

110. - That's why America's so cool.

111. - This is magnificent, isn't it, Jack.

112. - Mm-hmm, very cool.

113. - How far is it to the hotel?

114. - It's a good like, few hours.

115. It's pretty around here.

116. - Are we there?

117. - We're not there yet.

118. - Are we there?

119. - No.

120. - Could we get anywhere closer?

121. Utah was such a beautiful state.

122. - Honestly, it's probably one of my favorite places

123. we went to on the trip.

124. Only down side was everything was so far apart

125. and it took forever to drive.

126. - Oh, you want a vacation.

127. Does this mean you're retired?

128. - I'm not retired.

129. I maybe older and a bit be more sensible.

130. - Good news is, we are five minutes from the teepee hotel.

131. - The teepee hotel, oh, you are joking?

132. - Dad, not like what you think,

133. it's not like we're going to be sleeping on a coyote skin rug.

134. - I don't want to stay in a teepee.

135. - All right, then you're going to have to sleep in here.

136. - Oh off, Jack.

137. - We have arrived at the teepees.

138. - Where are they?

139. - Just around the corner here.

140. - Are really sleeping in one of these things?

141. - Please, please. - hell.

142. - Just let me show you. The holes—

143. - I don't want to sleep in one of these things.

144. Why couldn't we wear a Indian head dress on?

145. - Enter, do not fall. Bend down.

146. - This isn't too bad at all.

147. - Oh, oh, quick change of heart, I see.

148. - I thought it was going to be a

149. hammock for me or something.

150. Or a bear skin.

151. Oh, this is business.

152. - Try this bad boy out.

153. - A bit high.

154. That's it, off, the telly's on.

155. - Here we go.

156. Bit of that.

157. - This is what I call luxury.

158. - Change of heart?

159. - Big time.

160. Where are you sleeping?

161. - I got my own teepee, I'm just one over, okay?

162. So if you get scared in the night or if a moose

163. tries to get into bed with you—

164. - Oh, off.

165. - There aren't going to be wild animals running

166. around here is there?

167. - Maybe.

168. - How the hell did you find those teepees?

169. - Well, it just so happened to be on the way,

170. and I figured, why not stay in a teepee

171. when we're going to go visit Mars.

172. - You call that glamping.

173. That's glamorous camping.

174. All right, get comfy, I'll see you later.

175. Call me if you need anything.

176. This is fantastic.

177. I'm pleasantly surprised.

178. Where do you take a piss?

179. This is —there ain't no bathroom in here.

180. Jack!

181. Jack!

182. Where do you take a piss?

183. - Jack?

184. What tent is he in, now?

185. Jack!

186. Hello, Jack!

187. - Yeah?

188. - Jack?

189. - Hello?

190. - Oh, sorry, it's all right, I'm in the wrong tent.

191. hell.

192. Jack!

193. - I'm right here!

194. - Where the are you?

195. Jack?

196. - Hello, right here.

197. - Oh, jeez.

198. So did you sleep okay?

199. - I did, I heard you walking around.

200. - I know.

201. - How'd you sleep?

202. - Oh, I was about to get a hot shower,

203. it's too cold for me in there.

204. - Yeah?

205. - hell.

206. I couldn't sleep, there's no places I could piss.

207. - You bring a bottle and piss in a bottle.

208. - I'm getting too old for these adventures.

209. - Oh, you're young at heart.

210. Look at you, you're spry, like a gazelle.

211. - Come on, let's hit the road, Jack.

212. - Okay.

213. - My friend made it.

214. - Let's see how much this weighs.

215. - Let's see how much this weighs.

216. This is probably 25 or 30 pounds.

217. Can we see what you need and what you don't need?

218. - This is my lucky shoe.

219. My pad.

220. My pen.

221. An old apple.

222. - Okay, pen, pad, I get.

223. Phone charger, totally get.

224. Headphones, I get.

225. Okay, can we just talk about something?

226. - Yeah.

227. - Two of these? Okay.

228. - Yeah, but Jack, you know what I do?

229. I go—I go—

230. - This, this, this, and that's it.

231. - Yeah, but if I throw anything, I've got like a sewing kit.

232. A button will fall off.

233. - A sewing kit, what are you Rumpelstiltskin?

234. What are you sewing?

235. - Bengay.

236. - Bengay. What's that?

237. - Pencils.

238. Hold on, hold on a second here.

239. Are you kidding me?

240. - What?

241. - You have a cassette recorder.

242. - I'm—I'm old.

243. - Can we get rid of this?

244. - No off.

245. - Even if you recorded something on that, you can't use it.

246. - Now I got to pack the thing again, now.

247. - Good, throw out a bunch of the you don't need.

248. - Knock it off, it's only my bag.

249. - That bag is a representation of the

250. baggage you carry in life.

251. - Ah, yeah.

252. My sock.

253. I got a shoe and a sock.

254. One sock.

255. - throw it out!

256. - I must like hopping around.

257. - Come on, bag dad.

258. - I'm getting too old for this.

259. - Utah is beautiful.

260. - Yeah.

261. - All right, so we are going to go meet up with a friend

262. of mine named Kevin, who is a survival expert.

263. - Is there any place in America you ain't got friends?

264. - I've got—I got friends everywhere.

265. - hell.

266. - So listen, the real reason why I took you to survival school,

267. you're the Prince of Darkness,

268. and you need to hone your skills for when the apocalypse comes.

269. - You take me to survival school.

270. Everybody I know is dead from the 80s and 70s.

271. I survived through all that.

272. - Mm-hmm, but in an urban environment, you survived.

273. - Yes, but it's still survival, son.

274. - That's true, survival is survival.

275. It's all in the mindset.

276. - Kevin, sir.

277. - Jack, good to see you again.

278. - Good to see you, too, you well?

279. - I'm doing better.

280. - Dad, this is Kevin.

281. - Hi, Kevin.

282. - True pleasure.

283. - I'm interested in how you guys met.

284. - Well, Jack came to a class we do down in LA

285. called Urban Escape and Evasion.

286. Which teaches you what to do if there is, what we call,

287. a failure of civility.

288. And now, Jack wants to learn a little bit about

289. the wilderness side of survival.

290. - And teach you some stuff, too.

291. How to light a fire without a can of gas.

292. That's his go-to.

293. - Yeah.

294. Well, you were a Boy Scout, I hear.

295. - Only for a short while,

296. cause I couldn't get into it that much.

297. - Do you remember when you took me to join the

298. Boy Scouts here, and I was too young?

299. - I can't remember that.

300. - Yeah.

301. - Was I drunk?

302. - There's a high possibility.

303. Most of my childhood you were.

304. - Well, we'll go down and get you guys started.

305. All right.

306. - You hurt your foot?

307. - Um, I got a bacteria in a hotel room.

308. - Oh, yeah?

309. - And it ate part of my foot off.

310. - Did it? - Yeah.

311. - hell.

312. - It's got to be pretty brutal to lose three toes

313. from staying a dirty hotel room.

314. - To get you guys started,

315. I have a couple gifts for you here.

316. These are called mora knives,

317. they're very good for this kind of skill.

318. A rubber tube, which I'll show you how to use.

319. A fire striker.

320. - What's this?

321. - That is a tube with cotton balls.

322. - Ah, with Vaseline. Okay.

323. - We're going to make a small fire here.

324. And then we'll maybe have a little competition

325. to see who can get the best fire.

326. - Without gasoline.

327. - Well, hopefully.

328. - Wow.

329. - It starts up pretty quick.

330. - That cotton ball with the Vaseline on it

331. will burn for about three minutes.

332. - Wow.

333. - We use a simple technique called a teepee fire.

334. Just build around it with a lot of little twigs.

335. - That's a great little trick.

336. - You have that rubber tube in your kit

337. and the purpose for that is—

338. - Like a bellow.

339. - Wow.

340. - So with a little fire like this,

341. I can do something that works as a shelter.

342. You got to be careful, you don't want to

343. roast the chestnuts down here.

344. So I'm going to put this around me.

345. I have these strings, I can lean up against

346. a tree and just go to sleep like this.

347. - Yeah, that's not good.

348. - So notice I'm handling this with tongs.

349. - What kind of cactus is that?

350. - It's called a Prickly Pear.

351. - It's actually pretty good.

352. - What I would do with this, is I just throw it on

353. the fire and cook it a little bit,

354. and then you can peel the skin off of it

355. and eat the pad itself.

356. - No, yeah.

357. No, it's not.

358. I'll cut you guys out some here.

359. Some people like it.

360. Kind of the texture gets me, but it's not bad.

361. What do you think?

362. - Um.

363. - I'd rather eat that than bugs.

364. - Yeah.

365. It tastes like, um—what does it taste like?

366. - Um,

367. Okay, so we're going to have a little competition.

368. See who can build a fire fastest.

369. I'll put some string across the top of the fire,

370. about a foot off the ground.

371. And the first one to burn through the string

372. wins the competition.

373. - Loser has to wash the camper.

374. Competition is on.

375. - Dad's off to the races here.

376. - He's already got it going.

377. - Better hurry, Jack.

378. - No!

379. - Now let it burn for a bit.

380. - Dad, I don't think you're supposed to put

381. sticks on top of the string.

382. - Oh, look at that, you won.

383. - I am the god of hellfire.

384. - Even though you won,

385. you were kind of cheating a little.

386. - You are such a bad loser, you couldn't take it.

387. - You sound like Kelly.

388. - Well, she's my daughter, and she's always right.

389. - Kevin, thank you so much, I really appreciate this.

390. - It's been a pleasure, I really enjoyed it.

391. - Thank you, Kevin, thank you a lot.

392. - Yeah, I've got a great time with you guys.

393. - Pretty cool, right? - That was a lot of fun.

394. - Now, it's time we washed the RV.

395. - What do you mean, we?

396. - Yeah, we're going to wash it together, you and me.

397. - I went to that survival thing in the heat.

398. I need—I need a break.

399. - Hey, you know what, sometimes rock gods

400. have to eat humble pie.

401. - Oh.

402. - Here we are, woohoo!

403. No, we'll get our car wash on like a gay porno

404. from the 80s and we'll head out.

405. Here we go.

406. Oh, you are going to be sorted my man.

407. Look, pressure washer down there.

408. - Oh, come on, boo.

409. - Vacuum cleaner—did you just call me boo?

410. Am I mummy?

411. Yeah, make sure you really get these,

412. uh, bugs off the front. - Oh, shut the up.

413. - Why did I have to wash the RV?

414. If I won the bet and I built the best fire?

415. - Because you forgot that you won the bet.

416. All right, we're going.

417. - Why can't we get somebody else to do this?

418. - We'll be done in two minutes.

419. There you go, get at that.

420. Oh you, stop, don't do it.

421. I gotta-

422. - That'll do, that'll do.

423. - You're doing a job.

424. Go on.

425. - Ow!

426. - Oh, I'm sorry, poor you.

427. - this!

428. I'm soaked!

429. My —

430. - Oh, your is wet, oh really?

431. - I'm older than you.

432. - And I'm wetter than you.

433. - All right, here we go.

434. Give it a sec.

435. - hell.

436. I'm doing it.

437. - Sort of clean.

438. - I would have expected you to have handled that

439. hose a little bit better, seeing as you spray

440. down the audience on a nightly basis.

441. - I've get paid for that.

442. - Dad.

443. - What? - Come here.

444. - You're in like a 80s hair band video.

445. - Put the heat on in here, Jack.

446. - You cold?

447. - No, but my trousers are.

448. - Yo, ho, ho, oh,

449. - Hello.

450. So, I've got some things to go over with you.

451. - Go on. - I've got some options.

452. I found that spa you were interested in.

453. - Yeah.

454. Is it like one of them volcanic things?

455. - Yeah, it's a hot spring spa.

456. - Yeah.

457. - There's a place called the

458. Hurricane Village Heritage Museum,

459. that is the home of 109 year old piece of cake.

460. - Oh, that sounds inviting.

461. - It's also got a 66 year old slab of bacon.

462. - Are you making this up?

463. - I'm just trying to coming up with to do,

464. we've got a long ass drive.

465. It's a bit early in the morning for me, so no thank you.

466. - Okay, dinosaur bones?

467. - No thank you.

468. - Hot air balloon ride?

469. - No.

470. - Oh.

471. Okay, so, so far, the only thing you want

472. to do is go to a spa.

473. - Fabulous, yeah.

474. - Okay.

475. Uh, something that I found, which is very strange,

476. is that there's a salt mine here.

477. It's an active salt mine and they have a... cannon.

478. - What?

479. - They have a cannon that shoots bowling balls.

480. It's not open to the public, but I called and they said

481. if we wanted a guided tour,

482. they'll give us a tour around the salt mine

483. and they'll let us shoot the cannon.

484. - But, that sounds good, but why, of all places,

485. a salt mine to have a cannon.

486. - I don't know, that's why it's awesome.

487. Shall we hit the road?

488. - Yeah. - All right.

489. - No, you know the salt mine?

490. - Yeah?

491. - Is it like one of them things that you get on

492. a cat thing in thing and you go down,

493. or you drive into it?

494. - So I think you can drive vehicles into it,

495. I just don't know how, uh—

496. - Do you think it's possible, is it?

497. - Yeah, I mean, if they're bringing trucks down there,

498. this thing will totally fit.

499. - No, they sell this as table salt.

500. - Really?

501. - Yeah.

502. I think it's just all in how they process it, you know?

503. - Yeah.

504. - Here it is.

505. We have arrived at the mine.

506. Kyle.

507. - Let's go to the mine.

508. - Let's go down the hole.

509. - Can we fit this thing down there?

510. - You can.

511. - Oh, okay.

512. - All you got to do is follow me, and—

513. - And down we go.

514. - We'll go right under.

515. - Thank you. - Let's go.

516. See you in a minute.

517. - Okay.

518. - Oh, we're going, we're going in the pits.

519. - Whoa, look at this.

520. - Bats! Bats!

521. - Bats. - Bats.

522. - Don't get too hungry.

523. Keep out.

524. - Wow, this is awesome, dude.

525. - Whoa.

526. - Okay, Jack, we're down here.

527. One thing that's interesting here is everything

528. around you is salt.

529. The floor is salt, both walls, the ceiling.

530. - Wow.

531. - Everything's salt.

532. - How many tons of salt do you guys pull out a year?

533. - Right now, we're mining about 550,000 tons a year.

534. - You guys literally just grind it off the wall with this thing?

535. - Yeah, this machine right here, carbide tipped teeth on it.

536. - Mm-hmm.

537. - Do you guys want to operate it?

538. - Yeah, why not.

539. - Yeah, we'll give it a go.

540. - Okay, let's do it.

541. - hell.

542. - There you go.

543. - So this is the ignition.

544. Start it.

545. All right?

546. - Hey, uh, Troy, there's going to be a spinning wheel of death.

547. You might want to watch it.

548. - Now we'll give you a little throttle.

549. - Spinning wheel of death.

550. - Lift this up, yep.

551. - Look at that.

552. - Keep on that pedal.

553. And then push this forward, this one right here.

554. Push it forward, just—

555. - He always does that.

556. - Okay, let's leave it.

557. Okay, so Ozzy just mined enough table salt there

558. to last about a year.

559. - There you go.

560. Good job, miner.

561. - You guys interested in licking the wall?

562. - Lick the wall?

563. - Yeah, it's all salt.

564. - Is that a thing, is that a thing?

565. - Yeah, it's a thing.

566. - I'll lick the wall.

567. - Right over here maybe, uh,

568. just where we was mining right there.

569. - Okay.

570. - It licks the wall or it gets the hose again.

571. - Mm, it's nice.

572. - Uh. Salty.

573. - It's not over bearing, is it?

574. - No, no, like, it's not bitter.

575. - Right.

576. So now you've seen the salt mine,

577. you've done the salt.

578. This is work.

579. Now, I want to take you and show you how we play.

580. - Wow, they got like a full on shooting range here.

581. - That's our target, up on the hill.

582. - What is that, 500 yards?

583. - Yeah, it's about 500 yards.

584. So that's—that's it.

585. - Yeah. - Yeah.

586. - hell.

587. That's unbelievable.

588. - Chucks a bowling ball.

589. - With black powder?

590. - Yep, black power.

591. - Need some help wheeling it out?

592. - No, I'll wheel it out.

593. - What the—

594. That's hilarious.

595. - I'd love this for fun.

596. - It's all homemade.

597. - Okay.

598. - One of our welder fabricators that works here, built it.

599. - The raw barrel right here, without this second wrap,

600. is an oxygen tank.

601. - Oh, wow.

602. And did it just happen to be the same gauge as a bowling ball?

603. - It's actually a little bigger. - Uh-huh.

604. - And that's why it's extremely tough to hit that boat.

605. - Hey.

606. - But still nonetheless, it's still cool to try it.

607. - You still have your own cannon.

608. - Yeah.

609. - What I love most about living in America,

610. you can literally build your own cannon,

611. and try and shoot a boat if you wanted.

612. If you've got the right amount of land

613. and you've got the right paper work.

614. - Oh, it's unbelievable.

615. - It's awesome.

616. - That's a half a cup, measured.

617. That's not very much—

618. - No—

619. - Powder. Thank you.

620. - All right, we are loaded and ready to go.

621. - Okay.

622. - You want to light it, dad?

623. - Want to light it?

624. Just touch it on the end of that fuse, there.

625. Here we go.

626. Fire in the hole.

627. - Holy crap!

628. - We might have it!

629. - Oh! So close!

630. We were so close!

631. - Missed it by a few feet.

632. - Thanks for coming and visiting with me.

633. - Thank you, it was so much fun.

634. - Hey, thank you, Kyle.

635. We really appreciate it.

636. - Wow, this place is beautiful.

637. - This is, I've never, ever seen this.

638. And I've been coming to this country for ever.

639. - It's a pretty cool little uh, slice of the planet.

640. - Where are we going now, Jack?

641. - Uh, we are going to Mars.

642. - No, where are we really going?

643. - We're going to the Mars Analog Research Society.

644. - Wacky people.

645. - Well, I can't really get a sense of it,

646. because I haven't really been able to communicate

647. with many people, because they like to

648. act as if it's really Mars.

649. Uh, you know, I love the idea of space travel,

650. I love science fiction, I love the idea that

651. humans will be going to mars,

652. probably in my lifetime, and yours.

653. - Don't be so sure.

654. - Touch wood.

655. - How far is it to Mars from Earth?

656. - I honestly have no idea.

657. Why don't you ask Siri, she might be able to tell you.

658. - Siri, how many—

659. Sorry, I'm not sure what you said.

660. - Oh.

661. Siri, how many miles—

662. - Dad you got to hold it down.

663. I didn't get that.

664. - Oh.

665. Sorry, Ozzy, The Prince of Darkness, I didn't get that.

666. I'm not sure what you said there.

667. - Dad, dad, you just don't know how to work it.

668. Let me just show you how to do this.

669. You got to hold it down.

670. Siri, how many miles is it to Mars?

671. What is your mother's name?

672. - No.

673. - Siri, how many miles is it to Mars?

674. - What the.

675. - Rim—

676. Siri, how many miles is it to Mars from Earth?

677. - Now, let go.

678. Let it go.

679. Here's what I found on the web for how many

680. miles is it to Mars from Earth.

681. - The distance to Mars from Earth,

682. thought to—is—I can't read the thing, it's too small.

683. I can't hear a damn thing much anymore.

684. I can't see much anywhere.

685. It sucks getting older.

686. - But at least you got a sick hair line.

687. - Oh yeah.

688. - It's unbelievable.

689. - Wow.

690. - Yeah, I would, but, if I didn't have kids

691. and if I wasn't ma—I would— I would totally do it.

692. - Looks like Jabba the Hut right there.

693. - It totally does.

694. Mount Jabba.

695. - Mount Jabba.

696. - Look at this, this is crazy.

697. - It looks end of the planet, now.

698. It's like the moon.

699. - Yeah.

700. - I've never, ever seen anything like this, ever.

701. - The road we're turning on is called cow dung road.

702. - No.

703. - Yeah, so we got to turn on cow road.

704. And they don't want us to disturb the martian service.

705. - Yeah.

706. - So we're going to get to a certain point

707. and then we have to get out and walk for a little.

708. - walk?

709. - It's not that bad, it's only like—

710. - I'm not walking anywhere.

711. I'll probably get sun stroke

712. before I get to Mars.

713. - You got your hiking boots on, you're good to go.

714. - I don't want to walk.

715. - You're going to be like a desert gazelle.

716. All right, here's the boulders.

717. I think we got to get out here.

718. So I got us, um, we got water, we got some snacks.

719. - How far is this place?

720. - It's over the ridge.

721. - Wait, which—do you mean that whole

722. place looks like a ridge to me.

723. - Yeah, grab your bag.

724. - You never told me we were going to be like this.

725. - Well, because you never would have come.

726. - What the.

727. - Come on, off we go.

728. Watch for snakes, watch your footing.

729. - Why?

730. - Watch for snakes.

731. Watch for snakes and watch where you're putting your feet.

732. - Snakes?

733. This is getting more better as it goes on.

734. We walking there?

735. me.

736. This is really a space camp you're

737. taking me out to try and kill me.

738. - It's a bit of both.

739. We're going to leave you on Mars.

740. - This ain't fair.

741. That's a long way.

742. - It's a mile.

743. - A mile!

744. - Come on, let's just put our heads down,

745. we'll get there soon.

746. - It's all right for you, I'm old.

747. - Yeah, and I have MS.

748. What's your excuse?

749. - Oh, here we go.

750. The MS card, ting, thank you.

751. - Sure, I played the MS card.

752. You played the old card.

753. - Yeah, but the old card beats the MS card.

754. - How is getting old worse than MS?

755. - In your lifetime, they'll have a cure,

756. but not for old age.

757. - Right, pine box.

758. - Oh, thanks.

759. where is this place?

760. I'm dead, man.

761. I'll never make it.

762. - You're definitely the first person to be drenched

763. in gold, walking through this desert.

764. - But you—I'm—I'm 68 years of age,

765. and it's boiling hot, son.

766. If nobody's in there, I'm going to get pissed.

767. Is that it?

768. - Yeah.

769. - We come all this way to go in that?

770. A grain hop?

771. Anybody in there?

772. - There's a bunch of people in there, waiting for us.

773. - Come on, come on, let's go.

774. - What's this?

775. - Radio, airlock, and we will begin to decompressurize.

776. Commander Cassie, Commander Cassie,

777. come in.

778. This is Jack and Ozzy, we're at the airlock.

779. - All right, come on into the first door.

780. - Enter.

781. - Repressurization has begun, you have one minute.

782. - Expedition Mars.

783. We're currently in the airlock, waiting to be

784. granted access into the hab.

785. Also known as the habitat.

786. - Ozzy and Jack, welcome to the Mars

787. dessert research station.

788. - Go on in.

789. - Hello.

790. - How's it going? - My name is Cassie.

791. - I'm Ozzy.

792. - Hi Cassie, how's it going, I'm Jack.

793. - Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

794. - Can we just dump these down in here?

795. - Of course.

796. - I've never met a real martian before.

797. - Come on in, this is our first floor deck,

798. and I live here with a crew of four other people.

799. - What's the longest time anyone stayed in here?

800. - Two weeks.

801. - Um, two weeks, for a tape, yep.

802. - Did you guys meet before coming in here for two weeks?

803. - No.

804. - No, we met for the first time once we arrived here.

805. - What's the main purpose of your guys' mission,

806. is there like an overall objective?

807. - Our mission is different than most missions.

808. Most missions here are very scientific, however,

809. our main focus is to see how artists

810. can collaborate on Mars.

811. - Interesting.

812. - Are you serious?

813. Why do they have to have artists?

814. I thought it would astronauts and scientists there.

815. - Hey, listen, if we were to colonize Mars, right?

816. - Yeah.

817. - Amongst the colonists would be artists.

818. They represent that population of people.

819. Those are your people.

820. - hell.

821. - So we can give you a tour of our, uh, research facility.

822. We have our one toilet facility.

823. - Here we are at the martian bathroom.

824. These the martian showers.

825. Pretty small.

826. Martian toilet.

827. - Hang on, I got to take a pee.

828. - All right, enjoy your martian pee.

829. Can we see the rest of the hab?

830. - Absolutely.

831. Our state rooms have a bit of privacy.

832. - Oh cool.

833. - So, you don't feel like you're at summer camp.

834. - Yeah.

835. - You know, you feel like you have your own personal space.

836. Nice desk area and a place to sleep.

837. What else would you need.

838. - Exactly.

839. - So this is our pantry.

840. - Martian spam.

841. - Yes, of course.

842. But this also includes a lot of freeze dried goodies.

843. So freeze dried fruits in the form of apples.

844. They're actually good dry, if you want to try one.

845. Then we have some things that are not so appetizing, like—

846. - Freeze dried butter?

847. - Butter powder.

848. - Oh.

849. - You can try it if you really want.

850. - No, no.

851. I believe you.

852. - But our Spam comes with eggs.

853. - Oh.

854. - Oh, no.

855. - Yeah, really nice.

856. And then it's a special odor.

857. - No, you're good.

858. - I believe.

859. - And it doesn't get any better if you cook it.

860. - Yeah, no, that doesn't. - Let me tell you.

861. - But we're happy to rehydrate some things

862. for you if you want to try it.

863. We have beef chunks.

864. - Just dried beef chunks.

865. - Yes, but you rehydrate them and you can cook—

866. - Okay, I'll try a little bit.

867. - You want to try it? - Sure.

868. Try the mystery meat.

869. - No seasoning.

870. Look like you're enjoying that.

871. - That actually tastes like dog food.

872. - You're millions of miles away from Earth, you're dying.

873. Do you eat or do you eat dog food?

874. - I'd take the dog food.

875. - yeah, I'd eat the dog food.

876. - You know why?

877. - Cause I been eating all my life.

878. - All right guys.

879. I hope you look good in orange.

880. - We'll see.

881. - Orange is the new black.

882. - Orange is the new black.

883. - Exactly.

884. - They're quite comfortable.

885. - I feel like I've been kidnapped by ISIS.

886. - All right, getting ready for our EVA,

887. and uh, yeah, we got our orange space suits on.

888. Dad's getting his space boots all laced up,

889. we're going to go, uh, explore the big red planet,

890. by the way of Utah desert.

891. - It's a good look, it's a good look.

892. - Now you are all set for EVA.

893. - One minute to go.

894. - Beam me up, Scotty.

895. - Can you take a picture of us?

896. - Sure.

897. - I have to expose my thumb for a second.

898. - One, two, and three.

899. Perfect!

900. - Hey, Jack.

901. - What?

902. - A mile and a half, I believe.

903. It's really hard.

904. Because of the extra weight that you're holding on your body,

905. makes everything ten times harder.

906. - I didn't mind walking around with the space gear on,

907. I think I'd actually probably do okay if we were on Mars.

908. - Are you kidding me?

909. It was 150 degrees, I couldn't breathe,

910. I couldn't stop being in that suit.

911. There's nothing there.

912. - Okay.

913. - All right, this is Commander Jack,

914. the world detour mission to Mars.

915. We have successfully got a sample.

916. - Mission aborted.

917. I'm going to go back to the hab.

918. - He's abandoning the mission.

919. Where you going?

920. You're going back to Earth?

921. No!

922. We travelled 200 million miles and you take your

923. helmet off and die and leave me on Mars to die alone.

924. - Yeah, but I'm a 68 year old guy.

925. I'm too old to play space suits.

926. - You're no fun.

927. - Martians.

928. - Currently about 200 meters away from

929. the hab, uh, entrance.

930. Um, I have an itch in my nose.

931. Uh, space helmets are not good if you have itchy noses.

932. My dad just aborted the mission.

933. We're still out here exploring Mars.

934. So what are we looking for?

935. - A lot of these rocks out here are actually dinosaur bones.

936. - Really, where?

937. - Right over there, there's more dinosaur bones.

938. - That's pretty cool.

939. Ahoy there.

940. Whew, a little bit toasty.

941. - Hello, Jack.

942. - I thought I was just going to just

943. end up collapsing out there.

944. So listen, I love the fact that their whole goal

945. is to promote the idea that we are going

946. to be going to Mars soon, and it helps get people excited

947. and feel like they're involved in the process.

948. I like that, like— - Okay.

949. - Like, these are people, they don't have to do it—

950. If they were there for nine months,

951. and they had beards and—

952. - What do you think happens when we go to Mars?

953. Going to—it would be like Mars is like on par

954. with being stuck in a dungeon somewhere.

955. - Well, yeah.

956. Nice meeting you, God bless you.

957. - Nice to meet you.

958. - Hey, thank you.

959. - Nice to meet you.

960. - Take care.

961. - Hey, great meeting you, thank you.

962. - Salt mine Monday, Mars the next.

963. - Hey, don't say I never took you anywhere.

964. - Good morning, Siri, what time it?

965. It's 10:34AM.

966. Good morning.

967. - She spoke to me.

968. How are you?

969. Excellent.

970. - How far is it to Los Angeles from here?

971. It looks like Los Angeles is about

972. 483 miles away as the crow flies.

973. - Is it going to rain today?

974. It doesn't look like it's going to rain.

975. - How do you know?

976. I read the internet in my spare time.

977. - Siri are you a man or a woman?

978. I exist beyond your human concept of gender.

979. - Can you smell me?

980. Who me?

981. - What is Ozzy Osbourne's real name?

982. Okay, I found this on the web for what

983. is Ozzy Osbourne's real name.

984. - Prince of Darkness.

985. I'm truly the Prince of Darkness.

986. - Well, my good man, you did request a spa,

987. and I shall provide you a spa.

988. - Fan—tastic.

989. Is it good?

990. - Yeah, it says it's got a five star review.

991. - Natural, yeah?

992. - It is a natural hot spring.

993. Man, I tell you what, Utah was hard work.

994. You, my friend, did deserve a spa day.

995. - That's why I became a rock star, because-

996. - You going to like a nice good soak in the hot springs.

997. - Yeah, that's what I need.

998. - That's exactly what you need.

999. - You're right.

1000. I'm really psyched now.

1001. - It's up here, look.

1002. Mystic Hot Springs.

1003. - This doesn't look very much like a house spa to me.

1004. - But this is a real hot springs.

1005. Quit complaining.

1006. - What the?

1007. - It's the magic school bus.

1008. - You think this looks healthy?

1009. - Well, we'll just change and go check it out, okay?

1010. - Okay.

1011. Is this it?

1012. - Yeah, we got to walk up and around.

1013. Follow me.

1014. - rattle snakes around here.

1015. - There's no rattle snakes.

1016. - Snake!

1017. Where the is this thing?

1018. - There's some.

1019. - Danger, scalding hot water.

1020. You brought me up here to boil me?

1021. - No, you don't go in that one, that's the bad one.

1022. The good one's over here.

1023. - That's crazy.

1024. Where's the hot tub?

1025. - Watch your step.

1026. Here we go.

1027. - You got to be joking.

1028. hell.

1029. - How's that?

1030. - You haven't been to a real spa.

1031. This is nature's spa.

1032. Ooh, that's toasty.

1033. - hell, I'm sitting in a tin bath.

1034. - You wanted a spa.

1035. Hey dad.

1036. - But this isn't what—

1037. - Dad, I have something to tell you.

1038. You were playing sold out stadiums a couple months ago.

1039. Look how humble you are.

1040. Hashtag Humble Ozzy.

1041. - It is a very humbling experience.

1042. - Look, no splashing.

1043. - I'm not splashing.

1044. - You're me.

1045. - You're splashing me, oh.

1046. - Why don't you just try and relax.

1047. Just put your feet up.

1048. Let the tension leave your shoulders.

1049. - Let the tension leave your shoulders.

1050. - You know what the best part is, look at that view.

1051. Let the good earthly minerals absorb into your skin.

1052. Ah, this is the life.

1053. - It's not that bad, really.

1054. - Admit it, you liked the hot springs.

1055. - Yeah, but it's like having a bath at the Titanic,

1056. the one that sunk.

1057. - Smile.