1. Oh! Oh.Copy !req
2. Abuelita, give me back my yearbook!Copy !req
3. Your quinces is around the corner,Copy !req
4. and we need to pick a boy
to be your escort.Copy !req
5. There's no one in here. I just—Copy !req
6. Then use your phone
and Chapsmat somebody.Copy !req
7. You don't understand social media.
Abuelita—Copy !req
8. No, no, no. Of course I do.Copy !req
9. All you have to do is find a boy
and twat at him.Copy !req
10. I hope you mean "tweet"?Copy !req
11. "Twat,"tweet." Same thing.Copy !req
12. Not the same thing, Mami.Copy !req
13. Can you guys go fight somewhere else?
I'm on hold with the VA.Copy !req
14. Okay, but Elena has to pick
an escort by today!Copy !req
15. Or we will not have
enough time to prepare.Copy !req
16. But I wanna go to the street fair...Copy !req
17. and my quinces is two months away!Copy !req
18. Jajaja. Qué funny!Copy !req
19. We still have to pick
the other 14 members of the court.Copy !req
20. We have to choreograph the dances.Copy !req
21. We have to pick the weakest dancersCopy !req
22. and put them in the back
and put a curtain in front of them.Copy !req
23. Elena, pick by the end of the day,Copy !req
24. or your escort will be Cousin Orencio.Copy !req
25. Cousin Orencio smells like a Dorito
that died in a pool of Axe body spray.Copy !req
26. Good luck
getting him out of Tía Mimi's basement.Copy !req
27. I'll get him out of Tía Mimi's basement.Copy !req
28. Hey, no, don't touch that phone!Copy !req
29. ¡Ay! Ay, ay, Elena.Copy !req
30. Just take the yearbook
and pick somebody.Copy !req
31. Fine!Copy !req
32. This should be fun!Copy !req
33. Pick whoever you want.Copy !req
34. As long as he is a dancer,
and he is Cuban,Copy !req
35. and he is handsome, and I'm coming in.Copy !req
36. - Hello?Copy !req
37. Ah!Copy !req
38. That's cold, VA. Ice cold.Copy !req
39. Alvarez, let's go!
There's a street fair downstairs.Copy !req
40. Beer, food... this!Copy !req
41. Did you buy that?Copy !req
42. I won it...Copy !req
43. after spending 40 bucks at the ring toss.Copy !req
44. Wait, are you still on hold with the VA?Copy !req
45. No!Copy !req
46. I got right through.Copy !req
47. Wait, can I leave this up here
for safekeeping?Copy !req
48. - Who's gonna steal that?
- Schneider.Copy !req
49. Hide it in my mom's room.Copy !req
50. Anyway, I can't go.Copy !req
51. Today's the day
I finally get through to Jolene.Copy !req
52. She's my white whale. My Bigfoot.Copy !req
53. My meal cooked by my mother
using no pork products of any kind.Copy !req
54. Hey, I served.
I get it.Copy !req
55. But I try to never deal with the VA.Copy !req
56. I stopped calling them
about my punctured eardrum.Copy !req
57. That seems like a bad plan.Copy !req
58. Oh, thanks. I got it on sale.Copy !req
59. I'll see you down...Copy !req
60. Yeah, she can't hear me.Copy !req
61. Pain Management Department.Copy !req
62. Last name and last four digits
of your social—Copy !req
63. Alvarez, 2294...Copy !req
64. Are you... are you...Copy !req
65. Are you... are you there?Copy !req
66. Say something.Copy !req
67. - Please hold.
- Not that!Copy !req
68. - Hi.
- Hey, Ms. Alvarez.Copy !req
69. Hey, guys. How was baseball?Copy !req
70. Terrible!Copy !req
71. I mean, they played great.Copy !req
72. But my snack game was way off!Copy !req
73. The kids barely touched
my black olive tapenade.Copy !req
74. Thanks for helping out,Copy !req
75. but maybe next time pick a food
a kid would wanna eat...Copy !req
76. or has heard of.Copy !req
77. Yeah, and maybe next time,
don't hand out masks with my face on them.Copy !req
78. Handsome, but creepy.Copy !req
79. - Ah—
- What, Mami?Copy !req
80. Your daughter is so dramatic.Copy !req
81. No puedo más.Copy !req
82. Mami, don't worry, she will pick someone.Copy !req
83. ¡Ay!
- You okay, Mom?Copy !req
84. Yeah.Copy !req
85. I just need to talk to Jolene
and get my shoulder squared away.Copy !req
86. Here, take one of your pain pills.Copy !req
87. I thought you don't want me
to take "las drogas"?Copy !req
88. The pain in your body is real.Copy !req
89. The pain in your mind is in your head.Copy !req
90. - What happened, Ms. Alvarez?
- It's nothing, Finn.Copy !req
91. Hey, don't be so modest.Copy !req
92. She jacked her shoulder up in Afghanistan,
being a hero.Copy !req
93. "Hero."Copy !req
94. Kabul, 2004.Copy !req
95. I was assisting in surgery
when a mortar hit close to the OR.Copy !req
96. The blast caused
a pallet of surgical glovesCopy !req
97. to fall on my shoulder.Copy !req
98. The last part is not as impressive.Copy !req
99. But still, it is a war wound.Copy !req
100. Well... I thank you for your service,
Ms. Alvarez.Copy !req
101. Yeah, don't do that.Copy !req
102. So can we have some money for the fair?Copy !req
103. Sure. Grab ten bucks from my purse.Copy !req
104. - What, papito?Copy !req
105. Well, it's just we need at least 20
to do anything fun.Copy !req
106. But it's okay.Copy !req
107. We can watch the other kids
have a good time.Copy !req
108. That sounds great.Copy !req
109. You don't even need the ten dollars.Copy !req
110. Okay, I get it. I'll take the ten.Copy !req
111. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, don't go anywhere.Copy !req
112. I have kind of an exciting announcement.Copy !req
113. Something went terribly wrong
in your adult diaper?Copy !req
114. It's athleisure wear.Copy !req
115. But the good news is,
after months of planning,Copy !req
116. the members of my college band
have finally put aside our differences...Copy !req
117. and we're reuniting to play
at the fair this afternoon.Copy !req
118. All right. Maybe this will entice you.Copy !req
119. Nope.Copy !req
120. Well, it should,
because my band, Full Sail,Copy !req
121. plays yacht rock.Copy !req
122. ¿Qué es el yacht rock?Copy !req
123. - Mami, don't ask—
- Yacht rock...Copy !req
124. is like easy listening music,
but even easier to listen to.Copy !req
125. It's cool, but not too cool.Copy !req
126. Soulful, but not too soulful.Copy !req
127. I'm excited, but not too excited.Copy !req
128. And they paid you for this?Copy !req
129. Oh, no, I had to grease a few palms
to make it happen.Copy !req
130. So you're paying them?Copy !req
131. I don't want
to get into the economics of it.Copy !req
132. But this gig is really important to me.Copy !req
133. These guys were like family.Copy !req
134. I used to show up at their dorm rooms
unannounced and just hang outCopy !req
135. for hours and hours and hours.Copy !req
136. I can't imagine what that would feel like.Copy !req
137. Hello?
Guys...Copy !req
138. Yeah, I'm here. Did you find Jolene?Copy !req
139. - Just one more question, ma'am.
- Sure. Anything.Copy !req
140. Was that "Phillips" with a "P,"
or "Fillips" with an "F"?Copy !req
141. What?Copy !req
142. Alvarez! With an "A"!Copy !req
143. Hold, please.Copy !req
144. Wait, wait. Hello?Copy !req
145. Hello?Copy !req
146. Hello?Copy !req
147. No! Come on.Copy !req
148. Aw!Copy !req
149. Did you know that over 40% of tripsCopy !req
150. to the emergency room
are caused by preventable accidents?Copy !req
151. That seems high.Copy !req
152. - What happened?Copy !req
153. It was a totally preventable accident!Copy !req
154. We were setting up for the show
and our keytaristCopy !req
155. threw a decorative anchor at me.Copy !req
156. Okay, I'm sorry you're hurt,Copy !req
157. but it sounds like I just missed
the best part of your show.Copy !req
158. This is why Full Sail broke up
in the first place.Copy !req
159. Too many passionate personalities.Copy !req
160. I wanted to open with Toto.
Skip wanted to open with Steely Dan.Copy !req
161. Oh, you can't open with the Dan.
They're dangerously smooth.Copy !req
162. What are you doing here, Doc?
Why aren't you at work?Copy !req
163. What? Who, me?Copy !req
164. Well... you know,
I always love a good street fair.Copy !req
165. And— and since you took
a half day off of work,Copy !req
166. I thought...Copy !req
167. maybe I should, too.Copy !req
168. YOLO!Copy !req
169. It stands for, "You Only Live Once."Copy !req
170. But why didn't you tell me
you were gonna be hereCopy !req
171. when I saw you earlier?Copy !req
172. What's with all the questions?Copy !req
173. Is this Castro's Cuba or America?Copy !req
174. You— you know I could take a look
at that eye for you myself,Copy !req
175. but there was
a lot of second-hand doobie smokeCopy !req
176. at that fair and, uh...Copy !req
177. I worry that I may have
a bit of a contact high.Copy !req
178. Here. Let me see.Copy !req
179. Is that glitter?Copy !req
180. It's called stage sparkle.
Can you please just get it out?Copy !req
181. If I had a magnifying glass,
I could probably get it out.Copy !req
182. Oh, I have one in my costume trunk.Copy !req
183. Halloween box. Tool kit. Man's tool kit.Copy !req
184. Okay, whatever. Come on, let's just go.
Quick. Come on.Copy !req
185. Mami, I'm still on hold,
so if they pick up, remember...Copy !req
186. Alvarez, 2294.Copy !req
187. Remember
to self-screen for testicular cancer.Copy !req
188. Good advice.Copy !req
189. My husband always asked me
to check for him.Copy !req
190. Daily.Copy !req
191. So, um...Copy !req
192. Thanks for inviting me to the fair.Copy !req
193. You don't think Penelope suspects
that we went together?Copy !req
194. Or am I just paranoid from all that grass?Copy !req
195. I don't want her to think that we were
on a date or something.Copy !req
196. No, she wouldn't think that.Copy !req
197. It'd be ridiculous.Copy !req
198. Well, ridiculous is a little strong,
but...Copy !req
199. Lydia...Copy !req
200. you were so wonderful to me
at my birthday party.Copy !req
201. And I would just be very happy
if we could continue whatever this is.Copy !req
202. Can I make you a café cubano?Copy !req
203. Sí, por favor.Copy !req
204. Rosetta Stone.Copy !req
205. - Oh, espere.Copy !req
206. It's time to take my pills.Copy !req
207. Actually, I'm glad you reminded me.Copy !req
208. So... here is to Vitamin D.Copy !req
209. - Vitamin D.Copy !req
210. And, uh, estrogen replacement...Copy !req
211. to keep me young.Copy !req
212. For my cholesterol...Copy !req
213. so I don't die.Copy !req
214. What's going on here?Copy !req
215. Nothing! We're just taking drugs.Copy !req
216. So, uh, how is Schneider doing?Copy !req
217. Hey, guys, I'm heading down.Copy !req
218. This yacht rock band
is about to be boarded by a pirate.Copy !req
219. The sexy kind.
Not the kind that steals music.Copy !req
220. Although you can record the show for free.Copy !req
221. Just look for the big crowd.Copy !req
222. That's the kebab truck.
We're next to that.Copy !req
223. We're going too. Elena?Copy !req
224. When I get back,
I'm going to call Cousin Orencio.Copy !req
225. Sometimes you have to poke the bear.Copy !req
226. Pain Management Department.
Can I help you?Copy !req
227. - Alvarez, 2294.
- Who are you holding for?Copy !req
228. - Jolene. I'm holding for Jolene.
- Transferring you now.Copy !req
229. Oh, my God. It's finally happening.Copy !req
230. - Okay.Copy !req
231. Come on.Copy !req
232. Pick up, Jolene.Copy !req
233. Pick up.Copy !req
234. Maybe you're peeing.Copy !req
235. That's okay. I have to pee,
but I'm gonna hold it.Copy !req
236. Maybe you're grabbing
your four o'clock snackCopy !req
237. away from your desk.Copy !req
238. I'm not here to judge. You do you
at the vending machine, boo-boo.Copy !req
239. Answer the damn phone, Jolene!Copy !req
240. Hello?Copy !req
241. Wait. Who is this?Copy !req
242. Please be a man named Jolene.Copy !req
243. No, this is Tad.Copy !req
244. But this is Jolene's extension, right?Copy !req
245. No, I think they accidentally
transferred you to an empty office.Copy !req
246. Well, it's not empty now,
'cause I'm standing here talking to you.Copy !req
247. But after I hang up and leave,
it'll be empty again.Copy !req
248. I just want an appointment
with a chiropractor.Copy !req
249. I'm Alvarez, 2294.Copy !req
250. Can you help me, Tad?Copy !req
251. Slow down.Copy !req
252. Let me see what we have here.Copy !req
253. Alvarez, 2294.Copy !req
254. - Oh.
- Oh?Copy !req
255. What's "oh"? Don't "oh" me, Tad.Copy !req
256. Sorry, but you need a referral
from your primary care physician.Copy !req
257. I have one.Copy !req
258. I sent a copy of it to Jolene's office,
like, two months ago.Copy !req
259. You should probably talk to Jolene, then.Copy !req
260. What?Copy !req
261. I know, Tad!Copy !req
262. So, now what?Copy !req
263. Sorry. Can you fax a new one over?Copy !req
264. Fax it? You mean, e-mail it?Copy !req
265. Okay...Copy !req
266. So you want me to get in a time machineCopy !req
267. and go back to when they used
fax machinesCopy !req
268. to send you something that
I know for a fact you already have?Copy !req
269. Well, if I had a time machine,Copy !req
270. I don't think I'd go back in timeCopy !req
271. - and fax things.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
272. I'd buy a lotto ticket.Copy !req
273. Okay, you know what? Focus, Tad!Copy !req
274. Okay.Copy !req
275. I think the market down the streetCopy !req
276. has a fax machine
next to the off-brand candy bars.Copy !req
277. After the day I've had,
I deserve a Slickers.Copy !req
278. ¡Elena, ven acá!Copy !req
279. - Tad, give me five minutes.
- Okay.Copy !req
280. I need you to watch the phone
while I run out. Remember—Copy !req
281. Alvarez, 2294. I know.Copy !req
282. If Tad picks up, keep him on the line.Copy !req
283. Did you take down
a bag and a half of Cheetos?Copy !req
284. Step off, girl.Copy !req
285. Hello? Abuelita?Copy !req
286. Elena?Copy !req
287. Alex, no one's home. Your mom just left.Copy !req
288. Just grab some pills
and let's get out of here.Copy !req
289. Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
290. Maybe we should just hang out
and play video games?Copy !req
291. Come on,
your mom won't even notice.Copy !req
292. I heard Shane Lennon sold
one of his dad's pills for 20 bucks.Copy !req
293. Or I could just take you off
the group chat with all of our friends.Copy !req
294. The only thing worse than being
in a group chat...Copy !req
295. is not being in a group chat.Copy !req
296. Fine, I'll do it.Copy !req
297. Great. I'll stand guard
and if I see somebody coming, I'll yell...Copy !req
298. "Tumbleweed." That's our code word.Copy !req
299. Why is that the code word?Copy !req
300. I don't know. Shut up.Copy !req
301. No, you shut up.Copy !req
302. Having trouble
communicating with your family members?Copy !req
303. You could say that.Copy !req
304. Feeling like no one understands you?Copy !req
305. Yep.Copy !req
306. Losing your appetite
due to depression or anxiety?Copy !req
307. Obviously not.Copy !req
308. Do you have advice for feeling
like the weirdo in your family?Copy !req
309. For explaining that you don't want
to pick a boyCopy !req
310. to be the escort to your quinces,
'cause...Copy !req
311. you don't even know
if you like boys.Copy !req
312. - Reach out and talk to someone.Copy !req
313. Yeah.Copy !req
314. That'll go great. How do I even do that?Copy !req
315. "Hey, Mom, I think I might like girls."Copy !req
316. Damn it!Copy !req
317. What are you doing here?
Why are you spying on me?Copy !req
318. Tumbleweed.Copy !req
319. I'm not even gonna ask about the sword.Copy !req
320. What are you doing with Mom's pills?Copy !req
321. - I can explain.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
322. I was stealing them.Copy !req
323. Mom is going to kill you.Copy !req
324. I mean, quite literally,
she is going to kill you.Copy !req
325. Resuscitate you, kill you again,
and then ground your lifeless body.Copy !req
326. I didn't really want to.
It was Finn's idea.Copy !req
327. Please don't tell Mom.Copy !req
328. I won't, but what's Finn's problem anyway?Copy !req
329. You're gonna let him turn you into
a little Latino drug dealer?Copy !req
330. Stereotype much?Copy !req
331. It's not drug dealing. God.Copy !req
332. We were just going to sell pills
to get some money.Copy !req
333. Oh.Copy !req
334. So...Copy !req
335. did you hear what I was saying
while you were back there?Copy !req
336. Nah, that curtain is pretty thick.Copy !req
337. You can't say anything to anyone.Copy !req
338. It's not that I'm embarrassed.
I'm just not sure.Copy !req
339. I promise. I won't say anything.Copy !req
340. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's not like you'd be in trouble.Copy !req
341. I mean, who cares, right?Copy !req
342. Good brother.Copy !req
343. Now I really don't understand
what's going on.Copy !req
344. Hello?Copy !req
345. Alvarez! 2294!Copy !req
346. Who are you holding for?Copy !req
347. I don't know, but please don't hang up!
We gotta keep her talking.Copy !req
348. - Is this Penelope Alvarez?
- Yes!Copy !req
349. I'm Penelope.Copy !req
350. I'm a badass, who served in Afghanistan
doing army stuff! Hooah!Copy !req
351. And I'm her son, Alex.Copy !req
352. I know my mom sounds young,
but these days, babies having babies...Copy !req
353. I'm back!Copy !req
354. Thank God.
I was running out of material.Copy !req
355. What happened to you?Copy !req
356. I got roughed up pushing through the crowd
on the way to the market.Copy !req
357. That kebab line is no joke.Copy !req
358. Hello?
- Hello, hello? Who is this?Copy !req
359. This is Jolene in Pain Management.Copy !req
360. Oh, Jolene! Oh, my God, Jolene.Copy !req
361. Hey, let's go.Copy !req
362. It's time for the smooth,
summer sounds of Full Sail.Copy !req
363. Schneider made me say that.Copy !req
364. Wait! Let me warm up my voice
before the show.Copy !req
365. Boo...Copy !req
366. Yep, I'm good.Copy !req
367. What happened to Tad?Copy !req
368. Would you like me to transfer you to Tad?
One moment.Copy !req
369. No, no, no! No! I want you, Jolene.Copy !req
370. Can I help you?Copy !req
371. Yes, ma'am. Oh! I'm so excited.Copy !req
372. I'm sorry, I don't mean to fangirl out,
but you are Jolene.Copy !req
373. Yes, I am.Copy !req
374. Whoo!Copy !req
375. It has been a trip getting to you, mama.Copy !req
376. Okay, so I just want to make
an appointment with the chiropractor.Copy !req
377. - So if you have anything for next week—
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
378. You're gonna have to call back on Monday.Copy !req
379. - Why can't you help me now?
- I have to go.Copy !req
380. Okay.Copy !req
381. I— I don't mean to be difficult.Copy !req
382. Still a huge fan.Copy !req
383. But isn't the VA open until 5:00?Copy !req
384. It is, but if I don't catch the 4:30 bus,
I have to take the 4:45.Copy !req
385. So...Copy !req
386. I've been trying to get in contact
with you for a month.Copy !req
387. You can't take five minutes
to help me out?Copy !req
388. Well, you don't understand.
I have to leave.Copy !req
389. Well, then, walk me through it, Jolene.Copy !req
390. Because I don't understand.Copy !req
391. What I do understand is...Copy !req
392. I went to war, I got hurt.Copy !req
393. And when I came back, there was
supposed be an organization set upCopy !req
394. to help me and other veterans
get the help we need.Copy !req
395. So I don't get why it's so hard
to make a simple appointment.Copy !req
396. And I'm one of the lucky ones.Copy !req
397. My husband has bad knees,
a bad back and traumatic brain injury.Copy !req
398. He's not getting help.Copy !req
399. Partly because he's a stubborn ass,
but mostly because of this insane process.Copy !req
400. And because he's not getting help,
he almost did something stupid.Copy !req
401. I lost someone in my unit
because she did do something stupid.Copy !req
402. So, please, enlighten me, Jolene,Copy !req
403. as to why helping soldiers
is less importantCopy !req
404. than you catching your goddamn bus.Copy !req
405. - Hold, please.Copy !req
406. I have set
a chiropractor appointmentCopy !req
407. for Alvarez, Penelope, 2294,Copy !req
408. next Monday at 11:00 a.m. with Dr. Pearl.Copy !req
409. Will that work for you, ma'am?Copy !req
410. Yes, that would be great.Copy !req
411. - Thank you so mu—Copy !req
412. Classic Jolene.Copy !req
413. Yeah!Copy !req
414. ¡Ay! Okay.Copy !req
415. That was a bit too much.Copy !req
416. Ah! Yeah!Copy !req
417. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...Copy !req
418. Yeah.Copy !req
419. All right.Copy !req
420. Ahoy, Echo Parrrk!Copy !req
421. We be Full Sail!Copy !req
422. Boo!Copy !req
423. Come on, Elena!Copy !req
424. Oh!Copy !req