1. Mom, I'm gonna miss the first pitch.
Go faster!Copy !req
2. Alex, you know Mrs. Resnick
doesn't go faster.Copy !req
3. Unless we're going downhill,
and then she might not stop.Copy !req
4. We are so late. Just try.Copy !req
5. Mom, I smell gas.Copy !req
6. All right.Copy !req
7. Now, you smell Hawaii.Copy !req
8. Maybe the car's mad 'cause
papi stuck it with the name Mrs. Resnick.Copy !req
9. You know your papi named her
after a hot teacher he had a crush on.Copy !req
10. Yeah, but by now I bet Mr. Resnick's
traded her in for a younger model.Copy !req
11. That's not funny, papito.Copy !req
12. It's not funny.Copy !req
13. Society treats middle-aged women
shamefully.Copy !req
14. I read a study online—Copy !req
15. Okay, who wants to hear some tunes?Copy !req
16. No!Copy !req
17. Aw, right before the good part.Copy !req
18. There is no good part.Copy !req
19. That CD's been stuck in this car
my whole life.Copy !req
20. Uh, excuse me? It's a cassingle.Copy !req
21. Why are we slowing down?Copy !req
22. Who turned on the AC?Copy !req
23. You know Mrs. Resnick can't handle that!Copy !req
24. I'm sorry, but it's 90 degrees and you
won't let us roll the windows down.Copy !req
25. Because then they don't go back up.Copy !req
26. And it's only a crime to leave children
in a hot car if it's parked.Copy !req
27. - I looked it up!Copy !req
28. Great. Okay, guys.Copy !req
29. You know the drill.Copy !req
30. Por favor, Santa Francisca de Roma,
ayúdanos.Copy !req
31. Uno, dos y tres.Copy !req
32. See?Copy !req
33. Mrs. Resnick's still got it.Copy !req
34. Ugh.Copy !req
35. Well...Copy !req
36. it'll probably be 20 minutes
before a tow-truck gets here.Copy !req
37. So, what should we do to pass the time?Copy !req
38. Oh, I know.Copy !req
39. Everybody!Copy !req
40. Oh, hello.Copy !req
41. What are you doing, Mami?Copy !req
42. This is supposed to make your skin glow.Copy !req
43. It's called a sheet mask.Copy !req
44. Mami, " sheet."Copy !req
45. It's called a sheet mask.Copy !req
46. That's what I said, "sheet."Copy !req
47. So, would you say you are
sheet-faced right now?Copy !req
48. - Ah! Stop...Copy !req
49. - or the sheet will hit the fan.Copy !req
50. You are back so late,
I decided to have a little me time.Copy !req
51. Can you feel it working? Hey, guys.Copy !req
52. And... we are 29 again.Copy !req
53. Where you guys been?Copy !req
54. Mrs. Resnick broke down again
and had to be towed to the mechanic.Copy !req
55. Hector's looking at it now.Copy !req
56. Oh, how is Hector?Copy !req
57. I feel like I haven't seen him for days.Copy !req
58. Did he ask about me?Copy !req
59. Oh, papito.
What happened to your pants?Copy !req
60. I ripped them getting out of the trunk.Copy !req
61. You keep him in the trunk now?Copy !req
62. No, the doors got stuck again so we all
had to climb out through the back.Copy !req
63. It was terrible.Copy !req
64. Now the whole team calls me
"Butt-Trunk Boy."Copy !req
65. They could've called me
"Junk in the Trunk." It was right there.Copy !req
66. - Oh. Oh, guys.Copy !req
67. This is Hector. Hector...Copy !req
68. Hector! Hello, give me some good news.Copy !req
69. What? No!Copy !req
70. Okay, well, what exactly needs replacing?Copy !req
71. Uh-huh.Copy !req
72. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.Copy !req
73. Okay, well, what about... Oh, huh.Copy !req
74. Uh-huh?Copy !req
75. Oh, you saved the cassingle!Copy !req
76. It unspooled.Copy !req
77. That's okay, Hector, no.
Um, thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
78. Guys, Mrs. Resnick is...Copy !req
79. Muerta.Copy !req
80. I can't believe it.Copy !req
81. You know, your papi picked me up
for our first date in that car.Copy !req
82. It was brand new.
Only 60,000 miles on it.Copy !req
83. We drove Mrs. Resnick up the coast...Copy !req
84. and at sunset,
your papi bet me $5 that he'd marry me.Copy !req
85. He even wrote our initials
in a little heart on the bill.Copy !req
86. I still have it somewhere.Copy !req
87. Aw, you never take us to Malibu.Copy !req
88. That's what you got from that story?Copy !req
89. Yeah, but the good news is
you're getting a new car.Copy !req
90. Oh, sure, I'll just have
the butler pick it up.Copy !req
91. Oh, butlers work at the estate.Copy !req
92. Chauffeurs pick up cars.Copy !req
93. Lupe, if you need money for a car,
I am here to help.Copy !req
94. I will teach dance again!Copy !req
95. It is a gift that I have
withheld from the worldCopy !req
96. far too long.Copy !req
97. She taught me how to salsa.
She was amazing.Copy !req
98. I do it for the joy.Copy !req
99. You owe me $30.Copy !req
100. Okay, well, why don't we take
public transportationCopy !req
101. and reduce our carbon footprint?Copy !req
102. It's the best way to save money,
and besides,Copy !req
103. I don't want you to have to go
into my college fund.Copy !req
104. College fund?Copy !req
105. You see that dish of change by the door?
That's your college fund.Copy !req
106. Well, not the quarters,
'cause I need that for laundry.Copy !req
107. Elena, mi niña, a family needs a car.Copy !req
108. In Cuba, my best memories
are the long rides with my papiCopy !req
109. in a Chevy the size of this apartment.Copy !req
110. It was glorious.Copy !req
111. His beloved little daughter on one side
and on the other,Copy !req
112. his beloved bottle of rum.Copy !req
113. That sounds dangerous.Copy !req
114. No, no, no, no,
we didn't have seatbelts then.Copy !req
115. We would just roll out quick.Copy !req
116. Well, I'm going to start
taking public transportation,Copy !req
117. you know, to help atone
for the environmental devastationCopy !req
118. that my ancestors and their gas-guzzlers
so cruelly left to this earth.Copy !req
119. Why does everything have to be a crusade
that is also annoying?Copy !req
120. Abuelita's right.
We need a car, but we can't afford a car.Copy !req
121. Unless we get a crazy good deal,
which means we're screwed, because...Copy !req
122. car salesmen are scary.Copy !req
123. But not to you.Copy !req
124. You were in the Army!Copy !req
125. Yeah, you're always saying
you're a "badass."Copy !req
126. I am a badass!Copy !req
127. But I'm also kind of a scaredy cat,
you know, because...Copy !req
128. I never bought a car before,
you know?Copy !req
129. That salesman is gonna see me
coming a mile away.Copy !req
130. Then he's gonna do that thing
where he talks to the guy.Copy !req
131. And then they're gonna say
something about floor mats,Copy !req
132. and then, "blah, blah, blah,"
I wake up in an ice tub,Copy !req
133. because someone took my kidneys.Copy !req
134. I am a total stereotype.Copy !req
135. A woman that doesn't know
anything about cars.Copy !req
136. It would be so much easier
if Victor were here.Copy !req
137. I hate to say this,
but this is husband work.Copy !req
138. Okay, Mom, this is not just a car anymore.Copy !req
139. It is the symbol of the oppression
that the bonds of marriageCopy !req
140. have placed upon you as a woman.Copy !req
141. You can do this.Copy !req
142. - So you are for the car now?
- No!Copy !req
143. But as a crusade, yes.Copy !req
144. Annoying.Copy !req
145. - Yeah, I can do this. Yes. Yes.
- Yes!Copy !req
146. 'Course you can, you just need
to do a little research.Copy !req
147. In the meantime,
I'll take Alex to baseball.Copy !req
148. Gives me a reason to break out
the athleisure wear.Copy !req
149. What the hell is that?Copy !req
150. It's workout clothes you cannot sweat in.Copy !req
151. My car broke down yesterday
and I have to buy a new one.Copy !req
152. Oh, no, no, no.
I hate car dealerships.Copy !req
153. I went to buy my daughter
an inexpensive car,Copy !req
154. and she drove off in a BMW!Copy !req
155. And then I had to buy it!Copy !req
156. Very hard to negotiate
when the car's halfway to Vegas.Copy !req
157. Well, I'm feeling pretty good,Copy !req
158. 'cause I spent all last nightCopy !req
159. - learning about cars.
- Oh! Oh!Copy !req
160. Can you tell me what
"anti-lock brakes" are?Copy !req
161. I mean, why should they ever lock?Copy !req
162. I believe
you're talking about ABS.Copy !req
163. Which is just a system that allows
the wheels to maintain tractive controlCopy !req
164. during sudden stops! What? What?Copy !req
165. Very impressive!Copy !req
166. Uh, do you know how to repo a BMW?Copy !req
167. No, but I am very proud of myself,Copy !req
168. because this is my first big purchase
without Victor.Copy !req
169. Yeah, girl!
You don't need no man!Copy !req
170. Ooh!Copy !req
171. Actually, I do.Copy !req
172. Apparently when a woman goes
to a dealership without a man,Copy !req
173. they are quoted a higher price.Copy !req
174. So I was thinking,Copy !req
175. maybe you can come
with me and pretend to be my—Copy !req
176. - Husband?
- I was gonna say dad, but sure...Copy !req
177. I am in!Copy !req
178. Great! That's so great!
We're gonna go tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
179. I am out!Copy !req
180. I... I can't do tomorrow.Copy !req
181. It has to be tomorrow.Copy !req
182. It's the end of the month,
and the best time to negotiate.Copy !req
183. I'm sorry, I'm seeing my daughter
for the first time in ages,Copy !req
184. and she's bringing her therapist,
and lawyer and life coach.Copy !req
185. It's going to be so good to see
these people I've been paying.Copy !req
186. You're home later than usual.Copy !req
187. Saving the world takes time.Copy !req
188. You know... I used
all public transportation today.Copy !req
189. I went to school, I went to the library.Copy !req
190. I came home. Zero carbon footprint.Copy !req
191. Zero interesting words.Copy !req
192. Come on, abuelita,
I saw beautiful parts of the city,Copy !req
193. I talked to fascinating people,Copy !req
194. and I pushed myself
outside my comfort zone.Copy !req
195. When's the last time you did that?Copy !req
196. When I moved here
as a 15-year-old girlCopy !req
197. without my family
and not speaking the language.Copy !req
198. Is that well ever gonna run dry?Copy !req
199. They took our well!Copy !req
200. Anyways, I explored the city today, too,Copy !req
201. when I was putting up my fliers,
so I may teach the world to dance again.Copy !req
202. There's a part of you that actually thinks
the world stopped dancingCopy !req
203. when you quit teaching, isn't there?Copy !req
204. Yes.Copy !req
205. - Mom, today was the best day.
- Ooh!Copy !req
206. Everyone saw me in Schneider's Range Rover
and thought I was a total pimp!Copy !req
207. Mmm.Copy !req
208. Don't say pimp or you'll get grounded!Copy !req
209. Seriously, Mom, his car is amazing.Copy !req
210. The seats warm up.Copy !req
211. You wouldn't think you want a warm butt...
but you totally do.Copy !req
212. It's all the best parts of
peeing your pantsCopy !req
213. without any of the wetness.Copy !req
214. You should've seen Schneider.
The other parents were obsessed.Copy !req
215. Connie Merkelson told me she's never seen
anybody slice apples with such grace.Copy !req
216. Not gonna lie,
she was throwing me some red hot heat.Copy !req
217. Connie Merkelson is a gay lady.Copy !req
218. But... thank you for taking Alex.Copy !req
219. And actually, I have another favor to ask.Copy !req
220. Okay, but with Connie...Copy !req
221. I think she might walk
both sides of the street.Copy !req
222. I'm gonna stay on the case.Copy !req
223. Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a car,
and so that I don't get screwed,Copy !req
224. I need a male presence
to pretend to be my—Copy !req
225. - Son?
- Really?Copy !req
226. You're older than me.Copy !req
227. I was gonna say husband.Copy !req
228. Oh! A May-December thing.Copy !req
229. Gross, but okay.Copy !req
230. So I know you've been doing
your research.Copy !req
231. - What's our play?
- You don't talk.Copy !req
232. - Arm candy. I hear ya.
- Yeah.Copy !req
233. I'm just gonna walk up to that salesman,
I'm gonna look him in the eye,Copy !req
234. and I'm gonna say, "Here's what's up.Copy !req
235. You're gonna sell me
a 2012 pre-owned Honda CR-V,Copy !req
236. low mileage, no upsell,
for the bluebook price,Copy !req
237. or I will burn this building down!"Copy !req
238. Save that fire
for the bedroom, babe.Copy !req
239. You're comin' on way too strong.Copy !req
240. No, I gotta be tough.
They gotta see that I ain't no punk.Copy !req
241. They also gotta see that you didn't
just get out of a women's prison.Copy !req
242. Look, you know your stuff.
Just throw in a little charm.Copy !req
243. For example,
I have my own little secret weapon.Copy !req
244. Whoopsies!Copy !req
245. What?Copy !req
246. Guess who just got a large latte
for the price of a small?Copy !req
247. I'm trying to buy a car,Copy !req
248. not impress a white girl with dreadlocks
who likes flat asses.Copy !req
249. I'm just saying,
I got tricks to get people on my side.Copy !req
250. What are you bringing to the table?Copy !req
251. Playing the veteran card is genius.Copy !req
252. Hey! I earned this guilt.Copy !req
253. But, yeah, I kinda feel sorry
for the salesman.Copy !req
254. Beautiful lady veteran,
you're gonna own this guy.Copy !req
255. Hey, folks.Copy !req
256. I'm Jill.Copy !req
257. Can I answer any questions for you?Copy !req
258. I got this!Copy !req
259. Whoopsie!Copy !req
260. Damn it, that's a Montblanc!Copy !req
261. - Oh, yeah...Copy !req
262. That's my husband.Copy !req
263. I married him for his flat ass.Copy !req
264. I see you served.Copy !req
265. Yes, I was an army medic in Afghanistan.
Yeah...Copy !req
266. Ai, sorry, sorry!Copy !req
267. I sustained a shoulder injury
in the field.Copy !req
268. It was a difficult time,
but I'm proud to serve my country.Copy !req
269. - I hear what you're saying.
- Thank you.Copy !req
270. Sergeant Riley.Copy !req
271. I was a driver and gunner in Baghdad.Copy !req
272. Hooah!Copy !req
273. Hooah.Copy !req
274. Pardon me a second.Copy !req
275. Hey, Michaels, step away from the donuts.Copy !req
276. The customers need them
and you definitely don't.Copy !req
277. Schneider, she is not gonna
give me any sympathy.Copy !req
278. She's more badass than I am.Copy !req
279. Yeah, I got bigger fish here, Penelope.Copy !req
280. Anyway, this Honda CR-V is an LX.
It's got low mileage.Copy !req
281. Five-star safety rating, ABS—Copy !req
282. Which is different than EX,Copy !req
283. because it has smaller wheels
and no fog lights,Copy !req
284. 'cause I ain't no punk!
Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
285. Somebody's been doing their research.Copy !req
286. You know what? I am a straight shooter.
I tell it like it is.Copy !req
287. Then why are you lyin' about that guy
being your husband?Copy !req
288. What, what?Copy !req
289. Come on! You served in the Army!Copy !req
290. You've trained to rappel
out of helicopters.Copy !req
291. And you're gonna tell me
that you're married to that haircut?Copy !req
292. Do you guys have
one of those grabber claw thingies?Copy !req
293. We're not married, I'm sorry.Copy !req
294. It's just that my real husband and I
are actually separatedCopy !req
295. and this is my first big purchase
without him.Copy !req
296. I get it.Copy !req
297. There's no reason you and I
can't figure this out, just the two of us.Copy !req
298. Oh, God. Spider.Copy !req
299. Spider!Copy !req
300. I'm glad we enlisted and not him.Copy !req
301. So, mi niña...Copy !req
302. how was the crusade today?Copy !req
303. Another great day on the bus.Copy !req
304. Oh, which one did you take?Copy !req
305. Uh, the 60?Copy !req
306. That goes to Vernon?Copy !req
307. Oh, my favorite butcher is there.Copy !req
308. I once saw a woman rip the weave
off another woman over a leg of lamb.Copy !req
309. It was me.Copy !req
310. Well, Vernon's library is
much better than ours.Copy !req
311. My bus driver actually tipped me off.Copy !req
312. - Georgie, Miguel or Petros?
- Petros.Copy !req
313. Petros only works on weekends.Copy !req
314. Sorry, it was Miguel.Copy !req
315. There is no Miguel. I made him up.Copy !req
316. What are you doing?Copy !req
317. What are you doing?Copy !req
318. Okay! I hate the bus!Copy !req
319. Whoa, what?Copy !req
320. I'm a fraud!Copy !req
321. I've been lying these past two days.Copy !req
322. It's okay, we know!Copy !req
323. Public transportation is hard.Copy !req
324. The seats are small, it kind of smells...Copy !req
325. One time, I fell asleep
and somebody stole my socks.Copy !req
326. They left my shoes!Copy !req
327. Mi vida, it's not that bad.Copy !req
328. Just yesterday,
I took the bus to the farmer's marketCopy !req
329. and then I went to collect on some
bottles that I had saved.Copy !req
330. Wait, so you used mass transitCopy !req
331. to shop for locally grown produce
and then recycled?Copy !req
332. - That's like triple fossil fuel savings.
- Mmm.Copy !req
333. Oh, my God!Copy !req
334. Abuelita's greener than you.Copy !req
335. Well, Abuelita,
I guess you're my new hero.Copy !req
336. Ah, Elena...
I've always been your hero.Copy !req
337. Abuelita, what's this?Copy !req
338. That is the flier for my dance classes.Copy !req
339. I've been hanging them
all over the neighborhood.Copy !req
340. "Experienced Latina will make your body
do things you didn't know it could"?Copy !req
341. What? It's true.Copy !req
342. Abuelita, it's just the wording
is kind of provocative.Copy !req
343. As is the photo!Copy !req
344. Don't be ridícula.Copy !req
345. Oh, look, I got 58 new messages.Copy !req
346. Wow! Oh, and I got a customer.Copy !req
347. His name is Bobby...Copy !req
348. and he wants...Copy !req
349. I need to get a new phone number.Copy !req
350. Congrats on the new car, Alvarez.Copy !req
351. Oh, thank you, Riley.
I like this last name thing.Copy !req
352. Brings me back to my old Army days.Copy !req
353. You know, sometimes I'll get in early
and hang out with the mechanicsCopy !req
354. just 'cause I miss the swearin' so much.Copy !req
355. I have kids.Copy !req
356. - So I totally fudgin' get that.Copy !req
357. But seriously,
I feel like I got a really good deal.Copy !req
358. Uh, you are a tough negotiator.Copy !req
359. In all fairness,
you got a pretty great trade-in, girl.Copy !req
360. I can't believe I gave you
40 bucks for that thing.Copy !req
361. Hey, it's got a full tank of gas.Copy !req
362. The fuel gauge is broken,
so you're gonna have to trust me on that.Copy !req
363. Now, just clear out
all your personal effectsCopy !req
364. and we'll get you squared away.Copy !req
365. Mrs. Resnick.Copy !req
366. I'm gonna miss you, old lady.Copy !req
367. Ah! ¡Ay, carajo!Copy !req
368. Toni...Copy !req
369. Everything all right?Copy !req
370. I can't get rid of this car.Copy !req
371. I can see why.Copy !req
372. Talk to me, Alvarez.Copy !req
373. This was Victor's car.Copy !req
374. My soon-to-be ex.Copy !req
375. Oh.Copy !req
376. Got a lot of memories in here.Copy !req
377. We drove off on our honeymoon
in this old lady.Copy !req
378. My son was probably conceived
in the front seat or the back seat...Copy !req
379. or both.Copy !req
380. - Well, let's just say it was the back.Copy !req
381. He was an infantryman.Copy !req
382. He was a good one, too.Copy !req
383. In fact...Copy !req
384. my husband was a really good man.Copy !req
385. He was so charming.Copy !req
386. And we were happy.Copy !req
387. You know, like one of those couples
that other couples hate being around,Copy !req
388. 'cause it shows them
how not happy they are?Copy !req
389. We were that couple.Copy !req
390. - I hate that couple.Copy !req
391. He got sent on some difficult deployments,
he saw some really tough stuff.Copy !req
392. He used to make people laugh.Copy !req
393. And after that,
I can't even remember seeing him smile.Copy !req
394. He started sleeping late, then drinking...Copy !req
395. He wouldn't get any help.Copy !req
396. Then things got really bad.Copy !req
397. And it wasn't safe in the house.Copy !req
398. Until, finally, one night,
I had to take those keys away from him...Copy !req
399. 'cause he told me
he was gonna wrap himself around a tree.Copy !req
400. Mmm.Copy !req
401. That's tough.Copy !req
402. And I get it.Copy !req
403. I went through some stuff, too,
when I got back.Copy !req
404. I'm sorry to bring it up.Copy !req
405. No, I can talk about it now,
because I did get help.Copy !req
406. I'm in this women's veterans group.Copy !req
407. Lot of swearing. You'll love it.Copy !req
408. The hard truth is...Copy !req
409. if your husband's not trying to change,
there's nothing you can do.Copy !req
410. Trust me on that.Copy !req
411. Leaving was the right thing to do.Copy !req
412. It's just hard to say goodbye.Copy !req
413. I think it's time, Alvarez.Copy !req
414. 'Cause Mrs. Resnick kind of smells
like a gas leak in Hawaii.Copy !req
415. Oh, man!Copy !req
416. I haven't talked to another soldier
in a long time.Copy !req
417. - This was really nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
418. - You should come to the group.
- Maybe I will.Copy !req
419. Yeah. Wait, wait.Copy !req
420. What's happening here?
Are we becoming friends?Copy !req
421. It's happenin', Alvarez.Copy !req
422. And you can stop milking
the shoulder injury.Copy !req
423. I already sold you the car.Copy !req
424. No, this is a real injury.Copy !req
425. - Oh, sorry.
- No, it's okay.Copy !req
426. I'll tell you about it in the group.Copy !req
427. It'll be nice to talk
to a bunch of lady soldiers.Copy !req
428. - It's hard to find women who get me.
- Oh, me, too.Copy !req
429. What is wrong with civilian women?Copy !req
430. I know, right? It's like...Copy !req
431. "Let's get mani-pedis."Copy !req
432. But I think we should
totally get mani-pedis.Copy !req
433. Mmm-hmm. I could use a fill-in
like nobody's business.Copy !req
434. Is this great or is this great?Copy !req
435. Look at us all together as a family.Copy !req
436. It's just like growing up in Cuba.
¡Salud!Copy !req
437. I haven't even shown you guys
the best part.Copy !req
438. - Play my jam.Copy !req
439. No!
What?Copy !req
440. Come on, everybody!Copy !req