One Day at a Time 1x2

1. - Ay!

2. - Oh!

3. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

4. You were just having a nightmare.

5. You are not at war.

6. You are home.

7. You are safe.

8. Everything is okay.

9. - Okay? - Okay.

10. Except, I'm 38 years old sleeping with my mom.

11. And what is wrong with that?

12. Are you wearing makeup?

13. Of course!

14. What if I got up in the middle of the night

15. and I ran into someone?

16. Like you might barge in on Julio Iglesias in the bathroom?

17. You don't know where Julio spends his time.

18. And I need to look nice in case I die in my sleep.

19. Ay, Mami, don't say that.

20. No, mija,

21. if I do die, and I'm not saying I will...

22. make sure that they do a good job on my face for the funeral

23. and bring a little red lipstick along.

24. I know. You've been telling me since I was five.

25. - Don't let them make me up like a puta! - ... them make me up like a puta!

26. And my shade is Scarlet Sunrise.

27. Okay, I'm gonna go make breakfast.

28. This is a good thing.

29. Don't give me that look, bitch.

30. That's two.

31. That's three!

32. Oh, my God, five? What's going on in there?

33. The first one was for pee. And the last four were to piss you off.

34. So you're basically murdering the planet just to spite me.

35. Yeah, and it worked.

36. Ay, it's impossible to be Zen in this house.

37. You know, it's bad enough that you take 40-minute showers.

38. I have to use water to get ready.

39. Every time I show up at school,

40. there are all these eyes expecting perfection.

41. And you give it to them, papito.

42. Easy.

43. It's setting.

44. Mija, why are you in your uniform before you shower and get ready?

45. I am ready, Abuelita.

46. That's what I was afraid of.

47. Okay, everybody. Let's go. I can't be late.

48. We're having one of our staff meetings at work.

49. Aren't there only four of you?

50. And yet, we take attendance.

51. But I've actually got some good stuff to talk about today,

52. so hopefully I can get through it

53. without being interrupted by Scott, the freakin' bobo.

54. You know, I know bobo is an insult, but it sounds adorable.

55. - Like he's a little clown. - Oh, yes, he is a clown.

56. And like every other clown, I want to punch him in the face.

57. But I'm a professional.

58. So when he starts pulling his crap, I am gonna smile, I'm gonna nod...

59. but inside, I'm gonna be like...

60. Don't worry, I got this.

61. I spent all week preparing this badass spreadsheet

62. and I'm gonna make it rain informative data.

63. Ooh, I have a lot going on today, too.

64. They're implementing my composting initiative in the cafeteria.

65. I wish I could make you this excited about a comb.

66. Our school's waste stream will really shrink

67. if we let the food decompose naturally.

68. And once I'm able to introduce worms... triple the excretions.

69. You have weird goals.

70. Hey! No, she doesn't.

71. Yes, she does, right?

72. Okay!

73. Staff meeting, everybody. Staff meeting.

74. First things first.

75. - Lori. - Here.

76. Okay.

77. Penelope.

78. Here. We're all here. There's four of us.

79. Halfway there.

80. - Scott.

81. Dr. Berkowitz.

82. - Okay, any new business? - Yes!

83. Turns out, I've been wearing the wrong bra size.

84. My whole life!

85. Great. That's... that's... that's great.

86. Anything about the office?

87. Yes, yes.

88. Here's some information I think you'll all find interesting,

89. dare I say, badass.

90. Lately, we've been getting some complaints from patients about wait times.

91. Oh, that's not good.

92. Well, if we stagger our appointments by just five minutes,

93. we could decrease wait time,

94. while still maintaining an excellent level of patient-doctor—

95. Actually, it sounds like the patients won't get the same amount of time

96. with Dr. B that they've come to expect.

97. Well, they'd have more time with him, if, if—

98. Actually, in today's medical industry,

99. it's important we don't sacrifice human interaction

100. just for the sake of expediency.

101. Actually...

102. Scott, I've been involved in today's medical industry even longer than you—

103. And it's easy to get burned out? I get it.

104. Boy, such great contributions today.

105. Aw, thank you.

106. All I'm saying is, there's a reason

107. this guy's been running the office this way for so long.

108. Right, Berkules?

109. I like that, yeah.

110. And I must say, I'm very attracted to the concept of nothing changing.

111. - Okay, but there is a— - Great! Status quo it is.

112. All right, meeting adjourned. Thank you, everybody.

113. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right, Doc?

114. Oh.

115. - Oh, my God, is that how Cubans clap? - You don't wanna find out.

116. I have a salsa emergency.

117. The condiment or the dance? I am equipped for both.

118. There's this girl... Lola.

119. Ooh, is she cubana?

120. Close, she's from Sacramento.

121. We're going out dancing tonight,

122. and I may have led her to believe that I know how to salsa dance.

123. - Uh-huh. - Do you think you could show me

124. - a couple moves you—

125. Wow, you're amazing!

126. I know.

127. Now, salsa is just, "You want me.

128. You can't have me.

129. You want me!

130. No, you can't have me!"

131. Now... take me in your arms like a man.

132. Huh. See, I consider myself a feminist, so I don't know—

133. Oh, that kinda man. Got it.

134. One, two, three. One, two, three.

135. Move those hips. Feel the music!

136. Show me something.

137. So...

138. you are in love with this girl?

139. Ho, ho, yikes!

140. Slow down. I'm not in love with her.

141. Love isn't even real.

142. It's just something your nanny says sometimes to your dad.

143. The first moment I saw my Berto,

144. a lightning bolt went through me and I saw my future.

145. The next 40 years went by as quickly as that first night.

146. - Wow, that is so inspiring. - Mmm.

147. We hooked up at a barbecue.

148. Okay! It's time to dance.

149. Churning the bottle, churning the bottle.

150. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

151. ¡Sí! Take my leg, bruto.

152. Ugh, I get it, we're Cuban!

153. Azúcar!

154. Can you believe this living stereotype?

155. I know. It's... Uh-oh. Oh, my God, what's happening?

156. Oh, it's happening.

157. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

158. I think it's my hot Cuban blood!

159. Oh, I must dance!

160. Whoo!

161. - Come on! - Hey!

162. - Come on, now! Whoo! What?

163. Okay, I'm dizzy.

164. Okay, there goes my shoulder.

165. Whatever, I needed that. I had a crazy annoying day.

166. It couldn't have been as bad as mine.

167. At lunch, no one scraped their food into the new composting bins.

168. Even when I stood in front of the trash cans.

169. Zach Miller hit her with a hamburger.

170. - What?

171. No!

172. He threw it in the wrong bin and I deflected it...

173. with my face.

174. No one was listening to me!

175. So she started screaming and calling everyone,

176. "Earth murderers."

177. Look, Elena, I get it, 'cause it's in me, too.

178. In five seconds, I go from nodding thoughtfully to lighting a car on fire.

179. You lit a car on fire?

180. That happened only once, okay? And it was kind of an accident.

181. But that's why you and me, we gotta watch it.

182. You know, like today, I barely got a word in

183. before el bobo started interrupting me, talking over me.

184. I couldn't even get my point across.

185. Well, that's just sexist.

186. No.

187. He's not smacking me on the ass and going, "Oye, mamita!"

188. Oh, that makes me miss your abuelo.

189. You wanna see real sexism?

190. Be a woman in the Army, okay?

191. You got a 22-year-old white boy from South Carolina

192. marching behind you going, "Is it hot out here or is it you?"

193. Of course, it was hot out there. It was a freaking desert.

194. But you wanna know how I dealt with that bobo?

195. By being a better soldier than him.

196. And eventually, that's how they saw me, not as a woman at all.

197. I would prefer to die.

198. Yo no entiendo cómo these men and women all want to be the same.

199. We should celebrate our differences.

200. I would never trade these for that.

201. Mami.

202. No, no, I agree with her.

203. Everybody wants to see those. Nobody wants to see this.

204. Okay, everybody stop gesturing.

205. Mom, I'm not talking about old people sexism.

206. Okay. - It's much more subtle now.

207. Men assert their power through microaggressions and mansplaining.

208. Oh, mansplaining. Is that like manscaping?

209. I just learned that and I love it.

210. No, mansplaining is when a—

211. It's when a man explains something to a woman...

212. that she already knows, but he acts like he's teaching her.

213. Does that make sense?

214. What? I was just explaining what mansplaining—

215. Oh, wow!

216. Elena, microaggressions and all this little crap...

217. If I got bent out of shape every time a man said something stupid,

218. you wouldn't be here.

219. Mom!

220. This is a real problem.

221. The sexism I'm talking about

222. is all the little disrespectful things that men do that—

223. That they don't even realize.

224. Sorry, I cut you off. Talk as long as you want.

225. Not that you need my permission. I'm just...

226. You know what? I'd like to hear from the ladies.

227. Women. Females. You guys... Not guys, humans.

228. Wow, you broke Schneider.

229. Mom...

230. this stuff might not seem like a big deal, but it chips away at you.

231. You gotta call Scott out.

232. Why would I waste my time?

233. That is right.

234. You will never win men over by confronting them.

235. You flirt with them. You hypnotize them.

236. And then you do whatever the hell you want.

237. And then... they will think they are the boss,

238. but really, you are the boss.

239. Why can't they just know you're the boss?

240. Oh, no, they would be so upset.

241. That is horrifying.

242. Oh, sí?

243. Well, nobody ever threw a hamburger in my face.

244. Man, I'm glad I'm a guy, so I don't have to think about sexism.

245. Mi amor, wake up.

246. Oh!

247. - What are you doing?

248. I was thinking

249. that if you would wear a little makeup, you would look presentable...

250. and maybe the people in school would listen to your garbage ideas.

251. How would that help?

252. Lawyers would love to wear sweatpants,

253. but they wear suits so the judge will take them seriously.

254. - Go on. - Really?

255. So...

256. makeup makes you beautiful.

257. Beauty gives you power,

258. and that is why I never let anyone see me without it.

259. I just realized, my whole life I've never seen you without makeup.

260. Yes, you have. My baby pictures.

261. Even in those you had your ears pierced.

262. Oh, without earrings I look ridiculous.

263. But mija, por favor...

264. won't you just try it my way, huh?

265. I like what you said about power,

266. so, all right, I'll give it a try.

267. Ah! Gracias!

268. Wonderful news.

269. Elena can be in the Christmas card this year.

270. Oh, you look very nice.

271. - Thank you.

272. - I meant her. - What? She didn't do anything.

273. What?

274. Nothing.

275. Just, if you get hit with a hamburger today, it's gonna stick.

276. Oh, come on, Elena, it looks nice. You just look different.

277. What is this?

278. Wear-your-grandma-to-work day?

279. I'm kidding!

280. You look great. And whatever this is, good luck with it.

281. Well, what are you gonna do about Scott, the bobo?

282. Nothing, because he doesn't matter.

283. I'm going straight to Dr. Berkowitz. Then I'll accomplish my goal,

284. and Scott's burgundy-red Buick Regal,

285. license plate 374 PCE will remain unharmed.

286. - Just a little more rouge. - Ay, Mami, no.

287. Damn it, you're right.

288. Oh, gracias.

289. Yeah, thank you so much. Have a nice day.

290. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about my waiting room ideas

291. - from the meeting yesterday. - Hey, we have a waiting room

292. full of patients out there who are very unhappy.

293. Sounds like there's a problem that a badass spreadsheet could've fixed.

294. When my dogs are upset, I rub their bellies.

295. Should I...

296. There's gotta be something we could do.

297. Blue Sky, what if we stagger the appointments by just five minutes?

298. People would wait less,

299. and be so much happier when they see your handsome mug.

300. Smart way to go!

301. - Boom. - Boom!

302. Okay.

303. I am not trying to turn this into an argument,

304. but I said the same thing yesterday and nobody listened.

305. I don't think that's exactly what you said.

306. No, that's exactly what I said, Scott.

307. But maybe you didn't hear, because you were on your phone like now.

308. Uh, what?

309. Yo voy a matar este hombre.

310. Huh? What does that mean?

311. I'm just thinking about lunch. I'm hungry.

312. Oh.

313. When it comes to ideas, no one's keeping score,

314. but today, Scott wins!

315. Oh, all right,

316. I need to say something. I do. Okay, uh, Scott...

317. Sometimes I've noticed, when I'm talking, you don't listen.

318. I've let it go, but now I'm saying something professional...

319. in a professional manner... professionally.

320. I think what Penelope's trying to say—

321. Oh, my God!

322. Stop saying what I am trying to say,

323. you mansplaining, microaggressive, bobo cabrón!

324. You're sexist, and I'm tired of letting it go!

325. Does that make sense?

326. Okay, lot of big feelings...

327. and a fertile area for what is now our biannual staff meeting.

328. Hold up, Doc.

329. You think I'm sexist? That's crazy.

330. I love women.

331. It's got nothing to do with love. It's the way you act.

332. You dismiss everything I say!

333. - Oh.

334. Yeah, you better be waving at someone you know.

335. Guys, guys! Let's keep our anger where it belongs, with the patients!

336. I don't know what you're complaining about.

337. If anything, I'm the victim of reverse sexism.

338. What?

339. I'm in a traditionally female-dominated profession,

340. and if I had to diagnose what's happening, you're jealous because I'm killing it.

341. Oh, my God! That's insane!

342. Okay, don't get hysterical.

343. Okay, you see that! That right there, that is sexist!

344. You would never say that to Dr. Berkowitz.

345. That's 'cause Dr. B's cool as a cuke.

346. I'm about to cry.

347. I do everything around here, okay?

348. I order office supplies, I call insurance companies,

349. I even make the stupid coffee because yours sucks

350. and Lori always burns herself.

351. It never looks hot.

352. How about all the times you take off early for your kids' appointments

353. and I'm left to pick up the slack, because moms are special?

354. What did you say?

355. Uh-oh! I dropped my pen.

356. Scott, could you go get that for me?

357. Moms are special!

358. Because we have to work twice as hard.

359. We really do!

360. Dogs are not children, Lori!

361. Look, sometimes I do have to take time off because braces need tightening

362. or because my kid's head is a, quote, "lice carnival."

363. But I always make it up, and it is just as valid

364. as you leaving early for Shark Week.

365. All I'm saying is we're equal.

366. We all work hard. We all make the same $30 an hour.

367. Thirty dollars an hour?

368. He makes more than me?

369. You know what? I think I'll get my pen.

370. No, I'll get it on my way out, 'cause I am leaving.

371. Penelope—

372. No. Since I'm obviously not appreciated around here,

373. I am going to cut my salary by 100%.

374. I think she's trying to say she's quitting.

375. Shut up, Scott!

376. But, yes, I quit.

377. I'm sorry, Lori. Your dogs are lovely.

378. Thanks for the azúcar.

379. Your accent is still... no good.

380. But my salsa moves are, thanks to you.

381. My date's such a huge success, it's still happening.

382. Oh, I can't wait to meet her.

383. Eh, you probably won't.

384. Hey. Hey.

385. Oh...

386. what happened to your face?

387. Um, I took the makeup off after first period,

388. because people were staring at me

389. and all these boys were talking to me, which is the last thing I want.

390. I don't understand any words you are saying to me.

391. It was terrible.

392. My friends were calling her names like cute and pretty.

393. I'm the pretty one in this family.

394. Yes, you are, papito.

395. Elena, I thought you were finally listening to me.

396. I did listen to you, Abuelita.

397. And I listened to Mom, too. I was very professional.

398. I smiled and nodded and was nice to everyone.

399. It looked really unnatural.

400. I mean, some people still called me Garbage Girl, but I just went...

401. When inside, I was thinking...

402. - So, thank you. - Oh!

403. You're welcome, mija.

404. So, tomorrow, we try the makeup again?

405. No, Abuelita, I tried it and I didn't like it.

406. Oh, honey.

407. This morning I saw what you could be.

408. The granddaughter I have always wanted.

409. I wish you would've said that in Spanish, so I didn't understand it.

410. Oh, niña, no! No, I didn't mean it like that. No, no.

411. You know, you use makeup like armor because it makes you comfortable.

412. Well, this is how I feel comfortable.

413. I like the way I am, even if you don't.

414. Elena...

415. Mami, I did something terrible.

416. It's okay, I have a shovel.

417. Wait, what? Wait, what do you think I did?

418. It doesn't matter, amor. No one will ever know.

419. Mami... I quit my job.

420. I don't understand. The job ended?

421. No, it didn't end.

422. - Did your boss die? - No.

423. Was there a fire? Scandal?

424. Was he a sex offender

425. and they closed down the business because of the shame?

426. No!

427. I have just said all the reasons!

428. I quit my job because I found out

429. that comemierda Scott makes more than I do,

430. and he's only been there one month.

431. Oh, so you quit because of principles.

432. - Are you crazy?

433. I know, I know. I did exactly what I told Elena not to do.

434. I yelled, I screamed, and it felt great.

435. But, now, we're all gonna have to live in the car.

436. It's open!

437. Penelope?

438. Oh, hello, Lydia.

439. You look lovely, as always.

440. I know.

441. I will let you two talk.

442. What's up?

443. Penelope, please, come back to work. I'm beggin' you.

444. I can't run the office without you.

445. You're just saying that to be nice.

446. No, I'm not! I need you.

447. Five bucks more an hour.

448. That guy.

449. Well, he's a good nurse...

450. but it wasn't right. Wasn't right.

451. But in my defense...

452. he did ask for more than you did,

453. and I have a lot of trouble saying no.

454. That's why Lori works with us.

455. That mystery's solved.

456. To be honest, I don't know if it's a woman thing or what.

457. I didn't even think about negotiating.

458. I was newly separated. I really needed a job.

459. You said, "Do you want one?" I said, "Yes."

460. And you see, he made me feel that somehow I was lucky to have him.

461. I even gave him my parking spot.

462. Oh, so the red Buick is yours?

463. Good to know.

464. But I'm sorry, and it was nothing personal.

465. And...

466. you deserve more.

467. How about this? How about this?

468. What if I give you a raise, and you make the same amount as Scott?

469. - Plus a dollar more an hour. - Done.

470. Two dollars more an hour and Scott starts pulling his weight?

471. - Done. - Which he's never gonna do,

472. so let's make it three dollars an hour.

473. - Done! Please? - Okay.

474. - Okay.

475. - That was fun.

476. And I have to admit, Scott is not a terrible nurse.

477. He's good with the patients, you know?

478. He's got a charm that I do not understand.

479. Well, he's got that jock thing going on.

480. I think that's what seduced me.

481. You know, all the nicknames and the fist bumps...

482. I guess I got caught up in the bromance.

483. I get it.

484. No, I don't get it at all. But I get it.

485. So, are we good?

486. Yes.

487. - Boom? - Yeah, I don't do that.

488. I do this.

489. Are you asleep, mi amor?

490. Abuelita, no. We're not doing this again.

491. No, no.

492. I'm not here to make you up.

493. I'm here to do this.

494. This is me.

495. No armor.

496. I think you look beautiful.

497. Aw.

498. I hate it.

499. This is how you feel when you're wearing makeup?

500. Yeah, it is.

501. Then I understand,

502. and I will never bother you about that again.

503. Except for your quinces.

504. And I'm okay with that.

505. You know, this is the only time anyone has ever seen me without makeup.

506. I'm honored.

507. Well, one time your abuelo came home early and saw me,

508. but as soon as I realized, I went out the window.

509. I assume he thought I was an intruder. We never spoke of it.

510. - Are you wearing a little mascara? - No!