1. Is it weird that we're
sneaking around to make out like kids
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2. - when our actual kids are waiting at home?
- Yeah.
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3. Before I left the house,
my 15-year-old told me
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4. to tone down the makeup
and be home by 11:00.
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5. Ah, screw her. She's so lame.
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6. That's weird.
My daughter said, "Fifth date, Dad.
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7. Don't bother coming home
unless you get some."
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8. She's three.
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9. Hmm.
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10. I hate to let her down, but I'm more
of a seventh-date kind of girl.
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11. Unrelated, do you want to go
on two dates tomorrow?
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12. Actually, my friends are having
a dinner party.
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13. Do you want to come?
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14. - Ay!
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15. - Yeah, you're right. It's too soon.
- No, I wanna come.
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16. This "ay" was for my mom.
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17. My ex is coming back from Afghanistan
for Elena's quinces,
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18. and she keeps texting me.
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19. "Pick up his favorite soda.
Pick up his favorite potato chips.
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20. Take him back,
so I can die a happy woman."
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21. Hmm.
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22. So your mom's really into your ex.
That's... great.
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23. Victor's in the past.
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24. And I'm putting my phone on silent.
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25. Mmm.
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26. That's me.
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27. "Dear Lupe's friend. Is her phone
on silent, or did you kidnap her?"
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28. How does your mom have my number?
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29. I don't know.
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30. That really happened. I'm not kidding.
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31. Ay, qué bueno, you are home.
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32. We are Skyping...
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33. a handsome,
available man in Afghanistan.
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34. It's Victor.
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35. Your husband?
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36. Is that your mami I hear?
- Yeah, she wants to say hi.
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37. Hi, Victor! Everything good?
Great. See you next week.
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38. Mami, I need some help in the kitchen.
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39. In a minute. Victor is showing us
a picture of a funny camel.
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40. It is very tiny.
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41. It has no humps.
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42. And... it is a dog.
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43. So... quick question.
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44. When Papi's here next week,
do I have to, like, hang out with him?
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45. The whole reason
he's coming home is for your quinces.
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46. Plus, we haven't seen him
in over a year.
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47. I love Papi,
but we have nothing in common.
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48. Every time we Skype,
we just stare at each other
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49. until one of us thinks the screen froze.
And sometimes I just pretend it—
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50. Look, I get it,
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51. - but it's only for a few days.
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52. And, uh, where are we
with the idea of telling him?
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53. Oh, who thinks it's a good idea
to greet my Latino veteran dad with,
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54. "Hey, I like girls!"
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55. You'll finally have something in common.
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56. So, Lupita,
aren't you going to talk to Victor?
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57. No.
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58. Right, not the way you look.
Here, you need a lipstick.
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59. - Oh, thank you.
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60. I am telling you,
he is back to how he used to be.
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61. I know he says he's sober, which is great,
but he needs to get actual help
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62. or the drinking and the pills
could start all over again.
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63. Plus, he's not even dealing with his PTS.
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64. Oh, but he looks so healthy.
His skin is glowing.
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65. Hashtag, no filter.
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66. Victor and I are not
a thing anymore.
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67. - Okay? You got it?
- Of course.
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68. Oh, give him a chance.
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69. Remember how
you two used to sing the karaoke?
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70. And dance into the night?
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71. And remember your wedding day?
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72. God, I looked beautiful.
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73. Ooh, what are you doing, papito?
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74. Since Papi can't be here
for my cello recital tomorrow,
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75. I'm gonna play my part
of the quartet for him.
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76. My God, he is a genius.
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77. It makes more sense
when the other three people are playing.
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78. I wish you could be here.
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79. Oh, yeah.
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80. Wouldn't it be cool if I could do
that Star Trek thing
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81. where I could just transport there?
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82. I'd be all, "Oye, Scotty,
beam me up, yo."
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83. Whoa, it worked.
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84. I was aiming for the living room.
I just missed.
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85. - Papi!
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86. You grew!
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87. - Papi!
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88. Okay. Wow, look at you.
Beautiful, huh?
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89. You must be breaking all the boys' hearts.
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90. Looking good, viejita.
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91. Vente pa' ca. Dame un beso.
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92. Okay, let's break it up.
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93. Everyone has told everyone
they're attractive.
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94. Hiya, Lupe.
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95. Hi.
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96. Well, this is a surprise,
because it's not a week from now.
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97. But it's all good,
'cause I got your many messages and texts
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98. telling me you were coming early.
Oh, wait.
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99. - None of that happened.
Yes.
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100. I know, I'm early,
but I really wanted to surprise
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101. papi chulo over here
and see his cello show.
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102. - Awesome.
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103. Qué nice, qué thoughtful...
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104. Kay Jewelers.
They sell engagement rings.
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105. - And anyway, Lupe, I booked a hotel.
- Okay, that sounds good.
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106. That sounds outrageous.
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107. He is family.
Family doesn't stay in a hotel.
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108. Would you want me to live in a hotel?
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109. - Hello?
- No, no, no.
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110. Exactly.
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111. You understand. You know,
we weren't expecting you for another week,
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112. and if you just drop in
out of the blue like this,
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113. you can't really expect us
to be ready for you, it's—
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114. Ready.
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115. Wow.
Is that a pillow mint?
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116. Can't Papi stay here, Mami?
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117. Yeah, sure.
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118. ¡Perfecto!
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119. You can have my bed.
I will sleep with Lupe.
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120. Unless...
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121. - No, it's fine.
- He can stay out here.
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122. - Ay, qué cosa linda. Gracias.
- Claro.
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123. Victor made breakfast.
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124. He told me to relax.
Isn't he marvelous?
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125. Someone should take him off the market.
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126. - Toma, Lupe.
- Oh.
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127. - Good morning, Elena.
- Morning.
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128. Hey, I made your favorite.
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129. Clown face pancakes. Huh?
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130. Let me guess,
you don't like clowns anymore.
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131. Or faces.
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132. I just like to start with a protein
because studies show
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133. it's better for developing brain—
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134. Clown pancakes, what?
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135. It's about to be a circus in my stomach.
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136. That's what I meant to say.
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137. Yeah. Oh, uh...
Quick, before you go to school,
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138. I have something for you guys.
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139. I didn't get a chance
to do this last night.
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140. - But, uh, I hope you like it, papito.
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141. Oh, maybe you can open that after...
Okay.
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142. Dang! A new PS4! Are you kidding me?
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143. Oh, my God. Thanks.
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144. Of course you can't play it
unless your homework's done
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145. and only when Mami says it's okay.
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146. And I'm just realizing I should've
asked her before I even gave it to you,
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147. so now I'm just gonna stare this way
and you tell me what her face is doing.
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148. - You can keep it.
- Yes.
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149. But if you mess up,
it goes up on the shelf no one can reach.
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150. - RIP Super Soaker.
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151. And for Elena...
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152. I know
that you're a little too old for it.
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153. But hear me out, okay? She's a princess.
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154. But a Latina princess.
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155. Yeah.
And she's all, like, empowered.
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156. Yeah, she don't need no prince.
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157. - Okay.
- Okay.
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158. Thank you.
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159. Hi, princess. I'm Elena.
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160. "Hi.
My body proportions aren't representative
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161. of a typical girl my age."
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162. At least you know.
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163. Yeah. And... and she comes with a purse,
and, uh, pajamas...
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164. and, um, a receipt.
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165. Solid effort. Come on, you guys.
Let's go. You gotta go.
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166. We'll see you after school at the recital.
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167. - Can't wait.
I'm going to go, too.
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168. I will leave you two alone.
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169. - Where are you going?
- Grocery shopping.
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170. At 7:00 in the morning?
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171. I like to beat the traffic.
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172. - You're walking.
- Foot traffic.
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173. It must be nice to have
someone to help out,
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174. go grocery shopping.
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175. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Without her list or her purse.
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176. Or leaving.
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177. So...
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178. You're making breakfast,
you're being thoughtful.
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179. What are you doing?
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180. Just trying to be a decent dude.
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181. I'm not the same person
I was before I left.
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182. - I mean, I'm still crazy cute.
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183. But, uh, I'm off the pills. I'm sober now.
Been working a program.
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184. - That's great.
- Yeah.
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185. And the other stuff, the PTS?
I'm dealing with it.
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186. I'm in a good place, Lupe.
I'm a new guy.
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187. Trying to be, anyway.
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188. Good.
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189. Good. I'm in a good place, too.
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190. Which...
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191. Ay, so, look. So I'm just gonna
put it out there. I'm seeing somebody.
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192. What? Who is he?
I'm gonna kick his ass.
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193. Is what the old Victor would have said.
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194. Right? Yeah.
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195. But the new Victor says, "Get it, girl."
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196. - Okay.
- It's all good.
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197. I'm just telling you
because I don't want it to be weird.
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198. Although it was weird
that you told me to get it.
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199. But, uh, tonight, me and him have a thing.
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200. - Okay.
- So you're cool?
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201. Well, I don't love it.
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202. I mean, who is this guy?
Is he a big part of your life?
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203. Hey, Pen!
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204. Which shirt do you think is better
for the cello recital?
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205. I feel like the green one
really brings out my eyes.
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206. But then I thought
it might be fun if we did
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207. a "the whole family wears blue" thing.
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208. Hi, I'm Victor.
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209. Is this the guy you're seeing?
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210. Oh, my God!
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211. - You think he and I?
- Like we would ever!
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212. Oh, my. Whoo! I needed that.
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213. Oh, man. Me, too. That was funny.
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214. Oh, hey, man.
I'm Schneider, by the way.
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215. She never told me
you were so funny.
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216. So you're just the guy
who takes my son out to baseball
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217. and does all that dad stuff?
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218. Are we still laughing?
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219. - I'm not.
- I am.
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220. 'Cause I'm afraid to stop.
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221. You know what, I gotta be honest,
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222. I think I was happier when I thought
you were sleeping with my wife.
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223. Oh, sure, yeah.
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224. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
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225. Uh...
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226. I never come down here
shirtless or pantsless.
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227. I never come down here.
How did I get here? I'm gonna go.
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228. Okay. But we'll see you
at Alex's recital, right?
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229. Oh...
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230. Yeah, I just remembered I double-booked
with another middle school concert.
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231. Recital season, am I right?
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232. Schneider. Come on, don't be ridiculous.
Of course you're coming.
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233. You'll both be there, and it'll be
a good chance to get to know each other.
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234. Yeah. Come on, man.
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235. You should come. I insist.
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236. Sounds fun.
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237. Oh, man. These people really need
better entertainment.
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238. - Or worse hearing aids.
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239. Look at you two,
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240. all over each other
like the old days.
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241. Remember, love is the thing
that keeps you warm in the night.
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242. It is the quilt of passion.
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243. Keep walking, viejo.
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244. What...
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245. What happened to
love is the quilt of passion?
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246. Yeah, that quilt is too old.
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247. Are you okay there, buddy?
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248. Yep, yep, yep.
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249. Glad to be here as a family acquaintance
to support your son.
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250. What's his name? Alvin?
I don't know. We're not that close.
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251. Hey, great job coaching
Alex's swing this season.
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252. Widening his stance really made him
a monster at the plate.
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253. You must be so proud.
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254. He lives here.
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255. Early onset dementia. Sad.
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256. Listen, man, relax.
It's good, what you're doing for Alex.
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257. I'm not around.
You should keep doing it.
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258. Although I won't be
over there much longer.
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259. - You won't?
- Nah.
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260. Private security in Afghanistan?
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261. I mean, it's not exactly the kind of job
you can grow old in.
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262. Yeah, I know.
That's what I said when you went over.
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263. Yeah. You were right.
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264. - Mom.
- What? What's wrong?
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265. Mrs. Aaron's van got a flat,
and she was moving all the instruments.
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266. I don't have my cello.
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267. I don't have my Jell-O either.
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268. This sucks.
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269. Bad news, everyone.
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270. - No recital today.
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271. I really wanted to show you
in front of everybody.
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272. You never get to be here for my stuff.
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273. - We have to do something.
- What do you mean?
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274. We gotta stall. I didn't come all this way
to not hear my boy play the cello.
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275. Schneider, I have a mission for you.
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276. I need you to locate and recover that van,
and retrieve those instruments ASAP.
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277. You got it, Dad. I mean, dude.
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278. I mean...
I'm not looking for a father figure.
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279. All right, we need a diversion
until they get back.
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280. Are you in, Sergeant Alvarez?
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281. What do you have in mind,
Sergeant Alvarez?
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282. All right, everyone, uh,
before you all leave,
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283. I happened to notice your karaoke machine.
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284. And we have a very special guest
who's played...
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285. - showers from Echo Park to Afghanistan,
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286. Penelope Alvarez!
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287. You got this. Let's give them a show.
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288. You know, I should be embarrassed,
but Mom and Dad are kinda cute up there.
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289. Whoo-hoo!
Thank you, active seniors of Silver Lake!
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290. Do you want to hear it a fourth time?
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291. I didn't hear it the first three times.
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292. Oh, and now,
I couldn't be prouder to introduce
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293. the St. Bibiana String Quartet,
starring cello superstar, Alex Alvarez.
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294. Thank you.
You're welcome.
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295. You glad you came back early for this?
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296. We messed up on a lot, but, uh...
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297. I know a couple of things we got right.
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298. - Whoo-hoo!
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299. Oh!
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300. We were so awesome!
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301. Wow. Yeah.
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302. I mean, we probably added five years
to those old-timers' lives.
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303. And papito,
you were the best one in that quartet.
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304. I mean, that's why they gave you
the biggest violin.
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305. Thanks. Can we set up the PS4 now?
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306. I don't know. What do you say, Mamita?
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307. - Yes.
- Great. Oh, uh, but first...
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308. I have something for Elena.
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309. Ooh.
- Um, yeah, I'm sorry about the doll.
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310. Uh, I know sometimes I still think
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311. that you're a little girl.
But you've changed.
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312. And I haven't been so good at keeping up.
But I want to.
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313. A donation to Kiva... in my name!
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314. Why are you giving money
to a guy named Kiva
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315. when you could be giving money
to a guy named Alex?
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316. Oh, Kiva is an organization
that gives a loan to a small business
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317. in a developing nation. They're amazing!
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318. How did you know I would like this?
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319. Well, I did a little research.
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320. And, uh, well,
somebody told me you were... What was it?
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321. Annoying.
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322. A... a social justice warrior.
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323. Same thing.
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324. Anyway, I don't know exactly
how this works,
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325. but if we're ever in Tibet,
we can visit a kickass yak dairy.
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326. Thanks, Papi!
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327. But we're still sharing that PS4.
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328. I like video games, too.
Girls like video games, too.
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329. - Don't you even.
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330. I'm in, too.
I wanna Dance Dance Revolution.
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331. Don't you have a dinner thing?
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332. Oh, that's right.
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333. Aw, it's true love.
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334. I'm sure Juliet forgot
her date with Romeo.
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335. Aw.
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336. Okay. Let me get outta here.
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337. - And I'll see you guys later.
Bye, Mom.
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338. - Bye.
- Okay, let's do it.
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339. I'm gonna beat you, Papi.
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340. Just like I used to beat you
in Connect Four.
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341. Ooh.
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342. Tough talk, huh, papito?
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343. I actually got called to duty, so there's
no way you can beat me at this game.
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344. And Elena, you can't cheat
in this game like you do in Scrabble.
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345. For the last time,
seax is a real word.
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346. - It's a Scandinavian roofer's tool.
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347. Wow.
You make Papi feel real dumb sometimes.
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348. All right,
let's set this thing up, guys.
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349. Lupe, one sec.
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350. Tonight was fun, right?
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351. Yeah. It was nice to have someone
to share the load.
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352. Listen, I... I hope we're on our way
to being good, you know,
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353. which is why I got a present for you, too.
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354. - The divorce papers.
- Yeah.
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355. I know you've been after me
to sign them, so I did.
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356. Once you do, it'll be official.
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357. Ay. Wow.
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358. Thank you.
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359. Have fun at your thing.
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360. - That was great, wasn't it?
- Oh, so great.
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361. I absolutely loved your friends.
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362. I can't believe that Emily and I went
to the same grade school.
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363. And we both mistrust the balloon guy
at the farmer's market,
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364. 'cause that guy is full-on sketchy.
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365. Sebastian and Peter are so cute.
Their wedding pictures were so romantic.
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366. Love wins! We have to break up.
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367. Are you intimidated
by Sebastian and Peter?
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368. They have their problems, too, you know.
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369. I've seen Peter fat-shame Sebastian.
It's not pretty.
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370. It's not that.
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371. I just have a lot
going on right now, you know.
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372. Between the quinces,
my family coming into town,
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373. my ex being back...
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374. It's not fair to you.
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375. If I can't be here, I shouldn't be here.
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376. Yeah. Yeah.
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377. And your ex being back.
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378. It's okay.
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379. I get it.
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380. So... we're stopping after six dates.
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381. Perfect!
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382. You watching me sleep, creepy lady?
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383. I should've known something was up.
You weren't snoring.
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384. How was your thing?
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385. It was fine.
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386. Home by 11:00? I don't think so.
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387. Why are you with such a snooze, huh?
We know you have good taste.
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388. Ay.
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389. Well, if you must know,
I broke up with him.
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390. Oh, no.
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391. Stop smiling.
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392. Was I smiling?
You better look closer.
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393. No, no, no, no.
Come on, no. None of that.
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394. Come on, I swear, I just wanna spoon.
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395. Oh, yeah.
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396. You just wanna spoon?
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397. I invented that move.
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398. Come on, let's just cuddle, naked.
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399. Nothing can happen.
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400. And then nothing turned into Elena.
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401. Come on. Just for a minute.
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402. So, thanks for the divorce papers.
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403. Yeah, I can't wait
to get you outta my life.
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404. Oh, God, it's just so weird.
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405. Mami's convinced
that we should get back together.
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406. Ah, that viejita's no dummy.
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407. - What?
- Why do you smell like beer?
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408. Oh, uh, I had a few before bed.
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409. Okay.
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410. Uh, I mean, what do we do?
We call your sponsor, right?
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411. I mean, is he in Afghanistan? Here?
What? Where is he?
Copy !req
412. - No. No, no, no, no.
- Yeah!
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413. 'Cause that's part of
working the program, right?
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414. Look, it's not that kind of program.
All right?
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415. What the hell kind of program is it,
Victor?
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416. Okay, look,
you're gonna have to trust me on this.
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417. All right? I'm doing my own thing.
And it... And it's working. I promise.
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418. Yeah, it seems like it's working.
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419. Uh, listen, Penelope.
Okay, look, I'm off the pills, all right?
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420. And honestly, if I feel like having
a couple of Coronas
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421. at the end of the day
to take the edge off, that's...
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422. that's a hell of a lot better
than when I'd pop a fistful of Vicodin
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423. and watch 17 hours of HGTV.
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424. Though I now know what a sconce is.
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425. Don't joke about this!
You lied to me!
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426. No, I didn't lie, okay?
I told you that I'm better and I am.
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427. - You're not gonna give me credit for that?
- No, I'm not.
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428. No. Not with your history,
and not what we've been through.
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429. You need to be in a real program.
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430. Oh, what, at the VA?
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431. So I can wait a month
to talk to some comemierda
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432. who's never even seen a second of combat?
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433. No, I don't think so. I'm not doing that.
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434. Oh, so... so just to be clear...
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435. you're not seeing anyone about your PTS?
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436. Look, I'm doing stuff, okay?
Look, I'm keeping busy. I'm working out.
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437. Oh, God.
- All right?
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438. I can't believe
I let you do this to me again.
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439. Stop!
Stop overreacting over a few beers.
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440. - Overreacting?
- Please!
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441. How many beers was it when you punched
a hole in the wall above the bed, huh?
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442. How many beers was it
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443. when you woke the kids up
in the middle of the night
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444. to say goodbye
'cause Daddy was gonna kill himself?
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445. Huh?
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446. I'm not saying this to hurt you.
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447. I am saying this because I love you...
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448. and I know who you are in here.
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449. I remember who you were.
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450. You've been through some hard stuff, babe,
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451. and... and that's not your fault,
but you need real help.
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452. I'm helping myself!
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453. I'm doing what I'm doing, okay?
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454. And if you don't like it,
well, then, that's your problem.
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455. Yeah, you're right. That is my problem.
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456. And I can't have that problem here
with the kids. So, you gotta go.
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457. Stay at that hotel.
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458. And the next time I see you
is gonna be at Elena's quinces.
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459. - All right. Hey, look, I'm... I'm sorry.
- No!
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460. - Come on, Lupe.
- Please!
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461. Just go.
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462. Okay.
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463. Lydia. Lydia, háblale. Por favor.
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464. Huh?
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465. No, Victor.
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466. Go.
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