1. - Who is it?
- It's Penelope. Open up.
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2. One in the morning, eh?
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3. Okay. Either something happened
in your apartment,
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4. or something's about to happen in mine.
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5. Ugh!
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6. You'd be surprised
how many of my hookups started with "Ugh!"
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7. Elena...
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8. just came out to me.
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9. Finally!
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10. That is a load off my mind.
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11. - You knew?
- Yeah.
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12. It's been super tough keeping it from you.
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13. That's why I've been hanging around
so much less.
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14. You've had dinner with us
four times this week.
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15. Crazy, right? I'm like a ghost.
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16. Anyway, she never actually told me.
Alex did.
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17. - Wait, Alex knows, too?
- Yeah.
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18. But it hasn't affected him at all.
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19. And I walked him through
everything I know about lesbians.
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20. Don't worry. I barely know anything.
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21. So, Alex is cool, Elena is cool. Great.
Great, great, great.
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22. - You don't sound great.
- I'm not great.
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23. Can I admit something dark to you?
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24. When you eat sushi,
you sometimes imagine the fish screaming?
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25. I feel really weird
about all this Elena stuff.
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26. Whoa. Are you homophobic?
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27. No!
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28. I would never judge anyone
based on their sexual orientation.
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29. Some of my best friends are gay.
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30. Yeah, that's actually not something—
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31. I know you're not supposed to say that!
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32. It's just that now that it's my daughter,
it's different.
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33. I hate that I feel weird about it,
but I do.
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34. - Well, what does your mother think?
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35. When she finds out, you'll know,
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36. because she'll be on the roof
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37. with a Bat-Signal
shaped like the pope's hat.
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38. He does have a popemobile.
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39. And a cape.
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40. Huh.
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41. Focus, Schneider.
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42. Okay, hey, sit down.
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43. My advice?
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44. If you're feeling weird... hide it.
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45. When I was 15, I told Father
I wanted to be a professional tap dancer.
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46. He laughed.
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47. It was that lack of support that...
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48. contributed to my drinking
and drug problem.
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49. Professional tap dancer?
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50. Oh, do you find that amusing?
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51. Because 15-year-old Schneider's drinking
peach schnapps
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52. out of an unused tap shoe right now.
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53. - Oh, God, you're right.
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54. My reaction could really affect Elena
for the rest of her life.
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55. She needs to think
that I'm cool with everything
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56. because I don't want her to turn out like,
no offense, you.
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57. Schneider, you coming back to bed?
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58. Yeah, I do all right.
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59. You have a girl over here
and you were offering to have sex with me?
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60. Yes, Penelope.
That's the kind of friend I am.
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61. Hi, Mami. She can't hear me.
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62. There's my perfect daughter
who I love so much,
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63. but won't call beautiful
because she doesn't like it
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64. when people emphasize
the importance of physical appearance.
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65. Uh, good morning to you, too.
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66. Hey, last night I did a little reading
on Autostraddle,
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67. the lesbian lifestyle
and pop-culture website?
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68. - Really?
- Yeah!
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69. I learned a ton of interesting stuff.
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70. Fun fact, did you know
monocles had a huge following
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71. in the stylish lesbian circles
of the early 20th century?
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72. If this is your way of telling me
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73. that you're getting me a monocle
for my birthday,
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74. I'm gonna be really upset.
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75. Or we could talk about Gaga instead.
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76. - Lady Gaga?
- Yeah.
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77. Is she a gay icon,
or just a publicity monger?
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78. I don't know,
she's, like, a thousand years old.
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79. So you're probably not interested in
what I found out about Eleanor Roosevelt?
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80. Tons of monocles.
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81. Mom, I get it. You're aggressively okay
with my sexuality.
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82. Of course! Who wouldn't be?
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83. DJ Abuelita over there?
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84. Oh, all right.
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85. I'm worried about coming out to her.
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86. Oh, really?
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87. You're not ready to have her
follow you in the streets,
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88. ringing the shame bell?
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89. I think I'm gonna wait
until after my quinces.
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90. All she's talked about the past two weeks
is my stupid dance with Josh.
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91. Right. Ay.
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92. Poor Josh. How's he gonna handle this?
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93. I bet he's gonna feel really weird
about it.
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94. But that's understandable, right?
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95. No, I already told him
and he's totally cool.
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96. I mean, he insisted on being
my dance partner to show his support.
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97. Awesome!
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98. I'm glad everyone is so cool
and doesn't feel weird in any way at all.
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99. You go, Josh!
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100. Ah! There are my beautiful niñas.
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101. Elena, I'm doing the final tweaks
on the quinces choreography,
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102. so I really want you
to concentrate on your posture.
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103. Head high, shoulders back.
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104. Straighter.
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105. Straighter.
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106. Be as straight as you can be!
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107. Oh, my God, you guys.
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108. I just got an e-mail
from my baseball coach and—
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109. I made the travel team!
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110. Him. He made the travel team.
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111. Oh!
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112. Oh, man.
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113. All those practices I took you to
finally paid off.
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114. I did it! Him. He did it.
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115. I'm so pumped.
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116. Travel team is the first step
toward the big leagues.
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117. Mom, when I get there,
I'm buying you a house.
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118. Aw. So sweet, honey.
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119. But it won't be near my mansion.
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120. No one wants their mom around
when they're dating models.
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121. Just being real with you.
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122. You still have Spider-Man sheets.
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123. Just being real with you.
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124. But congratulations, papito!
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125. - That's great news!
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126. - That's terrible news.
- Huh?
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127. There is no way he can join that team.
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128. - What?
- Why?
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129. Those games are so far away,
you have to spend the night.
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130. I can't miss that much work.
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131. Well, I probably can.
Let me just check with my boss.
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132. Schneider? You do you.
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133. We're good.
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134. So... how about
I take Alex to travel games?
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135. - What?
- Just it's...
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136. You don't get it. It's not about you.
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137. We're Cuban. We don't trust anyone,
outside of blood, to look after our kids.
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138. You want to take him on a trip overnight
to a strange city?
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139. Jajaja. Qué funny.
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140. Sorry, Schneider.
Look, I barely trust her with the kids.
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141. And I'm offended, but I get it.
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142. Come on.
I think you're being a little unfair.
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143. I can take care of Alex
as well as you can.
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144. All right.
You think you got what it takes?
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145. - Bedtime?
- 9:00 p.m. weekdays. 10:00 p.m., weekends.
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146. - Blood type?
- O positive.
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147. Wrong. Red.
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148. Mami, I got this.
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149. Preferred sandwich, tuna or turkey?
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150. Trick question. He's allergic to tuna,
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151. and as for a turkey sandwich, he would
quote, "Rather drink a cup of barf."
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152. Look, I can send constant updates,
drop GPS pins of his location.
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153. I know a guy at the pet store,
we could chip him.
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154. Okay, fine.
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155. You can take him.
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156. But if my son comes back with
even a little scratch on his head...
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157. I was in the army.
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158. I don't know how to waterboard,
'cause they don't teach it...
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159. except they do.
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160. - And... one, two, three, four...
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161. five, six, seven, eight.
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162. Point that toe... Move the hips...
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163. - Not like that.
- Oh.
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164. Arms up...
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165. and pull her close.
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166. [sing-song] Closer.
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167. Closer.
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168. Closer.
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169. Ay, qué bien.
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170. And this would be the moment
when you would kiss, but you shouldn't.
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171. Unless I look away right now.
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172. Oh... is that Andy Garcia?
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173. Oh, you are exchanging secret looks.
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174. How am I going
to keep you two lovebirds apart?
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175. - Oh!
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176. Oh, whoa!
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177. This is giving me flashbacks
of Tiana's quinces/ baby shower.
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178. She is jealous.
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179. Josh, you will be the envy
of every boy at the quinces.
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180. And, Elena, all of the girls will wish
it was them inside your dress.
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181. Dare to dream.
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182. Uh-oh...
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183. Why are you calling, Schneider?
Is Alex hurt?
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184. You might have a two-hour head start,
but I will hunt you down.
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185. Relax, everything is great.
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186. I was calling to let you know
we checked into the hotel
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187. twelve minutes ahead of schedule.
Hey, Ron.
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188. Hey, Nikki.
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189. Finn's mom is, what she calls,
out-of-town single.
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190. But don't worry,
I got my eye on the ball.
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191. - How's the hotel?
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192. "His room is close to a fire escape
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193. and the nearest elevator was inspected
on April 17th by an S. Balaban."
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194. Ooh, I gotta run.
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195. Walk carefully. I mean, walk carefully.
No one's running.
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196. Ay, mi niña preciosa.
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197. What's happening?
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198. - I just came out to Abuelita.
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199. You did?
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200. And I think it's beautiful.
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201. You do?
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202. Claro. And I accept it immediately,
no questions asked.
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203. Well, that is great.
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204. Ms. Alvarez, you have the coolest family.
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205. I'm gonna call my grandma.
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206. Maybe she's finally ready
to hear that I'm a vegan.
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207. I'm gonna Skype Carmen
and tell her the awesome news.
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208. - I love my family!
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209. We love you, too.
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210. I told you.
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211. Wait, so you're not okay with it?
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212. No, I am very upset.
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213. Oh, thank God. I mean, thank God, Mami,
that you're so honest with your feelings.
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214. Yeah, I know you don't agree with them,
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215. because you are so liberal...
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216. and I'm just a narrow-minded
homofallopian.
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217. - You mean you're homophobic?
- Ha! There is the judgment.
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218. Look... I know you are cool with this,
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219. but you have to understand.
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220. I am a religious woman.
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221. I know, Mami.
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222. And I'm sorry.
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223. I'm sorry, but I have a problem
with Elena being gay.
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224. - It goes against God!
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225. Although, God did make us in his image.
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226. And God doesn't make mistakes.
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227. Clearly.
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228. And when it comes to the gays,
the pope did say, "Who am I to judge?"
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229. And the pope represents God.
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230. So what,
am I going to go against the pope and God?
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231. Who the hell do I think I am?
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232. Okay. Okay, I'm good.
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233. What?
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234. - You just worked that out in ten seconds?
- Sí.
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235. Because she is my granddaughter
and I love her no matter what. Ya.
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236. So, tell me, when is the parade?
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237. Okay, you guys wait here.
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238. I'll check for intruders,
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239. put a safety lock on the toilet seat,
and sweep for tuna.
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240. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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241. - Okay, guys. Guys, slow down.
- This room is awesome!
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242. - Ow! Okay.
- Dibs on this bed.
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243. - No, this bed!
- Guys.
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244. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
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245. Stop, wait. Okay, stop. Stop!
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246. So, you're obviously tired from the game.
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247. Maybe it's time for bed.
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248. It's six o'clock.
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249. Yeah, Mr. Schneider, don't you wanna
go hang out with the other parents?
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250. Finn, you little rascal
that I don't trust.
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251. - Who wants to play a game of I Spy?
- This guy!
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252. When I was three.
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253. Jajaja. Qué funny.
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254. Okay, I'll start.
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255. I spy, with my little eye,
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256. something...
that is clearly a fire hazard!
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257. Hey, Mr. Schneider,
can you go get us some ice?
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258. What? Is someone injured?
Oh, my God. Is it Gordon?
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259. Yeah, he does not look well.
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260. I'll be back in a jiff.
Everybody, stand under the sprinklers.
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261. Ramona, thank you,
thank you for meeting me!
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262. So great to see you.
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263. So, uh, a gay bar, huh?
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264. Immersion therapy.
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265. You gotta get used to being
around gay people,
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266. now that I know you hate us.
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267. I don't hate gay people!
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268. No, I don't.
You heard that "I don't" part, right?
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269. Ay, next round's on me.
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270. Okay, I'm a mess.
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271. I need some gay guidance.
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272. - Let's just call it guidance.
- Okay. That's good.
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273. That's what I need, already.
Okay?
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274. I am.
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275. I'm feeling like if I knew more,
I might feel better.
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276. I don't know. Does she all of a sudden
think all boys are disgusting?
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277. No! She always thought
they were disgusting.
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278. Okay.
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279. How will I know...
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280. if a girl she brings home
is a friend or more?
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281. Oh...
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282. You ask her.
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283. Is she gonna tell me the truth?
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284. - Probably not.
- Ay, Ramona!
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285. Well, what are you asking me?
How to spot a lesbian?
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286. I mean, do some of us
have short hair? Sure.
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287. Do we sometimes prefer
practical, gender-neutral clothing?
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288. I guess.
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289. Does a perfect day involve going
to candle-making class in our Subaru
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290. with a roof rack full of antiques?
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291. That's just solid American fun.
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292. Okay.
Now, I'm definitely more confused.
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293. Look, you are raising a smart girl
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294. who will be
a productive member of society.
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295. She's gonna have a full life and be okay.
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296. - Thank you. That's good.
- Good.
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297. - Great. Mmm-hmm.
- Great.
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298. - You still feel weird.
- I still feel weird!
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299. Mmm.
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300. You know what might help you?
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301. To see me in action.
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302. - How would that help?
- Honestly, I don't think it would,
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303. but I'm getting some serious eyes
from that guapa over there.
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304. I thought you were here
to give me guidance.
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305. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They can both wear dresses to the wedding,
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306. - it'll be fine.
- Ramona!
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307. - Uh, you wanna go over there?
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
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308. But just out of curiosity...
what is that girl doing right now?
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309. She's looking at you
and biting her lower lip.
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310. I gotta go.
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311. Hey, parents.
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312. I don't want to alarm you,
but the kids may already be dead.
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313. - What the hell you talking about?
- What? What are you...
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314. I got locked out of the room
and they're up there jumping on the beds.
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315. Don't worry. The boys are fine.
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316. Yeah, that's the magic of hotel rooms.
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317. All they want to do is hang out in there.
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318. Yeah, they get excited
by tiny soaps and sewing kits.
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319. Kids are so stupid.
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320. Well, maybe I am overreacting.
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321. Yes.
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322. Maybe just for a minute.
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323. Oh, sorry. What can I say...
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324. Cubans are crazy about family.
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325. Oh, you Cuban?
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326. Not by birth,
but spiritually, I identify as Cuban.
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327. That's why I've been so overprotective.
It's what we do.
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328. I think we have some trust issues
because Castro and all of that.
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329. You know.
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330. But it's good to get
an outsider's perspective.
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331. You guys have calmed me down.
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332. Maybe I was being a little suffocating.
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333. I need to talk to you about your kids.
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334. Ay, Dios mío.
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335. - Don't mess it up. Oh, and you know it.
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336. Drinking alone?
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337. This is a gay bar.
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338. That's what regular bars are for.
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339. Yeah, but regular bars
don't have $7 Queen-a-Coladas.
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340. Mmm, tell me about it.
This is my third Bloody Gary.
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341. Anyway...
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342. I'm drinking alone 'cause I'm a monster...
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343. and monsters drink alone.
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344. My daughter came out to me...
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345. and I am not totally okay with it.
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346. And I hate myself for it.
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347. Keep the Queen-a-Coladas coming.
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348. All right, all right.
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349. This is a subject
that I know a thing or two about,
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350. so talk to me.
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351. It's just that I'm ruining everything.
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352. I want her to have the most perfect
coming-out story.
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353. You know, where I'm cool
and supportive and...
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354. we high-five and ride unicorns
down a rainbow together.
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355. Okay, so, gay people aren't magic.
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356. But it's a common misconception, so...
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357. I should be feeling really happy...
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358. that she feels comfortable enough
to come out to me.
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359. But I just keep thinking...
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360. It's not the way I pictured it.
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361. I always imagined that we would...
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362. bond over boy stuff.
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363. How hot they are,
how dumb they are.
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364. The pregnancy scare.
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365. I hold her hand while she pees on a stick.
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366. We don't trust that stick,
so she pees on a second stick.
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367. It's negative
and we go get sushi.
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368. You know, you can still get sushi
without peeing on something.
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369. It's not the same.
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370. How long ago did your daughter come out?
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371. Thirty-six hours ago.
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372. Thirty-six hours
and you're not leading a pride parade?
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373. No, but my mom is.
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374. Let's get real.
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375. Do you love her any less?
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376. No, of course not.
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377. So you're just not there yet.
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378. This is a complete readjustment
of how you see your daughter.
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379. Trust me, she's been thinking about this
for months or years.
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380. You just found out.
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381. Your heart is okay.
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382. You just need a little time...
for your head to catch up.
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383. I feel a thousand times better.
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384. Thank you! Oh!
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385. Oh, this means so much
coming from a super-hot gay guy.
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386. Oh, thank you!
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387. I'm not gay.
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388. - Well, you're at a gay bar.
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389. And you're super hot.
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390. Again,
love what you're saying, but, uh,
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391. I'm here with my brother. He's gay.
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392. And to your point, it took me some time
to wrap my head around it.
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393. But now I'm good. And you will be, too.
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394. Thank you.
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395. I'd like to take this opportunity
to apologize
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396. for the smelling and the groping.
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397. Somehow when I thought
you hated the touch of women...
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398. I assumed it was okay.
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399. Luckily, I was too distracted
by how cute you are
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400. to hear anything you just said.
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401. What? Shut up.
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402. Can I see you again? Like, over dinner?
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403. Okay.
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404. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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405. I'm sorry, I think this is the first time
I've ever been asked out in a gay bar.
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406. - Really?
- Yeah.
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407. I've been asked out,
like, nine times in the past hour.
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408. Hi, Mom.
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409. Hi! Wait.
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410. It's 11:00 at night. You're supposed to be
in San Diego. What happened?
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411. Okay, first of all, I wanna point out
that Alex is 100% okay.
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412. So there's absolutely no need to panic.
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413. What happened?
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414. Nothing.
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415. Nothing?
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416. The boys stole two maid's carts
and were racing them down the hallway!
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417. And I won!
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418. Not the point. I get it.
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419. Fortunately, security found me
before anything else happened.
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420. Found you? You weren't with them?
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421. - Get the water boards.
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422. Wait, I don't understand.
If he's okay, why didn't you just call?
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423. Because there's, like,
a zero percent chance
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424. you would believe Alex was all right
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425. unless he was standing
right in front of you.
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426. You guys, I'm so sorry.
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427. I mean, a maid's cart?
More like death wagon.
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428. Tiny soaps you can choke on.
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429. Shower caps that can fly off
into your face and suffocate you.
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430. And is that a clean toilet brush?
I think not!
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431. Anyway,
now you're gonna yell at me
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432. and tell me
I'm never allowed near your family.
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433. Just make it quick.
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434. Aw...
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435. I got in your head.
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436. What?
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437. I made you as overprotective
and crazy as I am.
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438. You proved I can trust you.
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439. - Really?
- Yeah, you're Cuban now.
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440. ¡Azúcar!
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441. But we only forgive once.
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442. God, I feel so much better.
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443. And that is the last time
I listen to a bunch of gringo parents.
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444. They do not share our values.
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445. - It sounds like Texas isn't that bad.
I love it.
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446. I'm really getting into saying y'all.
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447. I'm like a little southern belle.
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448. Hi, Elena. Hi, Carmen!
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449. Hi, Ms. Y'alvarez.
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450. Can I just give you props for being
hella cool about Elena coming out?
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451. Thank you, Carmen.
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452. I'm just happy that Elena
is such a strong young woman
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453. - with a clear sense of herself.
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454. And she has excellent taste in friends.
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455. Compliments make me kind of queasy,
so I'm gonna bounce.
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456. I'm going to the rodeo tomorrow.
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457. Hopefully,
one of the clowns will get gored.
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458. I love that little weirdo.
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459. Whoo!
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460. You're in a good mood.
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461. - Am I?
- Yeah, why?
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462. Okay, I met a guy.
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463. - What?
- Yes.
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464. - Dish. Tell me everything!
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465. Okay, his name is Ben.
I met him at a gay bar.
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466. - What? That's right, I'm cool.
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467. He was there with his brother,
and he was super cute and easy to talk to,
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468. and then he wasn't gay.
And then he asked me out!
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469. - Shut up!
- I mean, who knows if he'll even call,
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470. but it was just exciting,
you know, meeting someone new and...
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471. flirting, making a connection.
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472. I can't wait for that.
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473. It'll happen.
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474. And I hope you'll keep me
in the loop when it does.
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475. Are you kidding?
I'm going to tell you everything.
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476. - Mmm.
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477. So, here's a question. You and Carmen?
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478. Oh, no! We're just best friends.
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479. I mean, she says...
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480. Oh, my God!
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481. It's Ben!
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482. "It was so great meeting you.
Best part of my night."
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483. - Should I text back?
- No, no. Play it cool.
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484. You play it cool. I'm texting back.
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485. No, no, Mom,
you have to play hard to get!
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486. No, I don't wanna play hard to get!
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