1. Okay, Carl,Copy !req
2. - your blood pressure looks good.Copy !req
3. Now we're gonna do the thing
where I ask youCopy !req
4. some basic health questions
and you lie to me.Copy !req
5. Okay?Copy !req
6. Alcoholic beverages per week?Copy !req
7. Two, maybe three.Copy !req
8. Why you lying to me, Carl?Copy !req
9. Would you also like to lie to me
about smoking?Copy !req
10. I stopped smoking.Copy !req
11. Carl, the mouthwash works,
but the shirt smells like...Copy !req
12. Virginia Slims?Copy !req
13. They make my hands look bigger.Copy !req
14. I'm not gonna write that down
on the chart.Copy !req
15. Dr. Berkowitz will be here
in a minute, okay?Copy !req
16. Hey, uh, what's that picture?
Is that Halloween?Copy !req
17. Oh, no.
I think this was closer to Christmas.Copy !req
18. But you're wearing army clothes.Copy !req
19. Yes, I know.Copy !req
20. The camouflage look
was all the rage in Afghanistan.Copy !req
21. You went to Afghanistan for Christmas.Copy !req
22. I'ma give you a sec.Copy !req
23. - Oh!
- There you go!Copy !req
24. - Let me ask you—
- No, I never killed anyone.Copy !req
25. Yes, it was hot over there.
You're welcome for my service.Copy !req
26. Anything else?Copy !req
27. Well, I was just gonna ask you,
is your husband also a badass soldier?Copy !req
28. Oh, yeah, he was.Copy !req
29. Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
Oh...Copy !req
30. No, he... he was a badass soldier,Copy !req
31. but now he does private security
in Afghanistan.Copy !req
32. But any... anyways, we're separated.Copy !req
33. So, you're single.Copy !req
34. Yeah.Copy !req
35. Actually, I was just about to go home
and make dinner for my kids.Copy !req
36. Single mom.Copy !req
37. Well, this was fun.Copy !req
38. Alex.Copy !req
39. Alex, help.Copy !req
40. Papito, let's go!
You know I got a bum shoulder.Copy !req
41. I need help over here.Copy !req
42. Thank you.Copy !req
43. Next time I'll Skype you.Copy !req
44. We have a problem.Copy !req
45. I know.
The hipsters have discovered Porto's.Copy !req
46. Line around the block
is like the freakin' Apple Store now.Copy !req
47. Mom!Copy !req
48. And this one,
I don't like her anymore.Copy !req
49. I don't care if you like me.Copy !req
50. Sounds like you're both
on the same page.Copy !req
51. Your daughter does not want
to have a quinces.Copy !req
52. What? Why?Copy !req
53. We already booked the room,
and I found a great band!Copy !req
54. Okay, it's a deejay.Copy !req
55. Okay, it's your brother
with an iPod and a playlist,Copy !req
56. but it's a very good playlist.Copy !req
57. I researched
the history of quinceañerasCopy !req
58. and found out
they're totally misogynistic.Copy !req
59. She's been reading again.
Why do you let her read?Copy !req
60. I know, Mami. I let her do math, too.
I'm a monster.Copy !req
61. By the way, they made me captain
of the debate team today at school,Copy !req
62. but all she wants
to talk about is this.Copy !req
63. She has to have a quinces.Copy !req
64. How else will we know the day
that our little girl becomes a woman?Copy !req
65. You missed it.Copy !req
66. I was 12, I was in gym,Copy !req
67. and ironically,
it happened in first period.Copy !req
68. You are throwing away your Cuban heritage.Copy !req
69. Yeah, the bad part.Copy !req
70. I don't want to be paraded around
in front of the men of the villageCopy !req
71. like a piece of property to be traded
for two cows and a goat.Copy !req
72. Someone thinks they're worth a lot.Copy !req
73. What century do you two think you're in?Copy !req
74. I mean, Elena, relax.
It's just a fun party.Copy !req
75. You know,
I'll have a little too much wine,Copy !req
76. embarrass you
while I sob during my toast,Copy !req
77. uh, Abuelita will dance inappropriately
with one of your guy friends—Copy !req
78. You can count on it.Copy !req
79. I'm not doing it.Copy !req
80. You need to do something
about this little sinvergüenza.Copy !req
81. What does that even mean?Copy !req
82. It means...Copy !req
83. that you do not know enough Spanish
to know that I'm insulting you.Copy !req
84. Oye...Copy !req
85. - Ha!Copy !req
86. - Abuelita...Copy !req
87. I'll learn more Spanish
when you learn English.Copy !req
88. I know the English.Copy !req
89. Besides, your abuelo, God rest his soul,
did not marry me for my mind.Copy !req
90. Who do you think you're insulting?Copy !req
91. Good one, Mom.Copy !req
92. By the way, what are the last 16 digits
of your credit card?Copy !req
93. Uh, what are you doing?Copy !req
94. Are you shopping?
'Cause who said you could shop?Copy !req
95. You said I could order
sneakers for school.Copy !req
96. Five pairs?Copy !req
97. Monday through Friday.Copy !req
98. Don't worry,
I don't need weekend sneakers.Copy !req
99. Oh, well...Copy !req
100. I can't have my son walking around
in Monday sneakers on a Saturday.Copy !req
101. Somebody might call child services.Copy !req
102. Mom, I'm serious.Copy !req
103. I'm in middle school now.
How I look kinda matters.Copy !req
104. Okay, so you can buy
one pair for under $40.Copy !req
105. Forty?Copy !req
106. That'll get you perfectly good sneakers
to last the whole year.Copy !req
107. The whole year?Copy !req
108. Okay, Mom, I know we're not rich,
but are we poor?Copy !req
109. No, we're... fine.Copy !req
110. - That sounds like poor.
- We're not poor!Copy !req
111. I mean, look around!Copy !req
112. We have a TV, a refrigerator.
You have a laptop.Copy !req
113. These are things that poor people have.Copy !req
114. We have an air conditioner.Copy !req
115. You never let us turn it on.Copy !req
116. The point is you could, but don't.
Don't ever touch that thing.Copy !req
117. All right, it's Friday night.
Family dinner time. Come on, let's go!Copy !req
118. Elena, come set the table!
Alex, help me make a salad.Copy !req
119. This meat was heavily discounted,
so I need to cook it before it turns.Copy !req
120. You guys already ate, didn't you?Copy !req
121. She made ropa vieja.Copy !req
122. I'm not made of stone.Copy !req
123. Mami, I told you this morning
that I was gonna cook tonight.Copy !req
124. I thought it was a joke!Copy !req
125. And I thought it was hilarious.Copy !req
126. Sorry, Mom.
Do you want us to sit and watch you eat?Copy !req
127. No.Copy !req
128. We'll just start next Friday.Copy !req
129. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
130. - All right.
- Sounds good.Copy !req
131. So, there is some ropa vieja
in the mantequilla thingCopy !req
132. if you don't want to eat that...
sad meat.Copy !req
133. I bought it, I'm eating it.Copy !req
134. - Okay.Copy !req
135. Oh, yeah, that's not working.Copy !req
136. Don't worry, I told Schneider.Copy !req
137. Here's some hand sanitizer.Copy !req
138. And here...Copy !req
139. - I don't need lipstick.
- Yes, you do.Copy !req
140. Okay.Copy !req
141. You know how much
I appreciate your help,Copy !req
142. but you have to let me
establish my own traditions.Copy !req
143. I agree.
So let's talk quinces.Copy !req
144. Ay, Mami, ya!
I don't wanna force her.Copy !req
145. You know, this is all on me now.
I wanna handle it right.Copy !req
146. You know...Copy !req
147. a father would make sure
that his little girl had a quinces.Copy !req
148. You really wanna go there?
'Cause I'm holding a hammer.Copy !req
149. I'm just saying, maybe when Victor
comes back, you can work it out.Copy !req
150. Remember when we all moved in together
and you said,Copy !req
151. "If you ever want me to go away,
just say, 'Go away.'"Copy !req
152. Yeah.Copy !req
153. Oh!Copy !req
154. You're welcome!Copy !req
155. Schneider!Copy !req
156. Well, you grew out that mustache, huh?Copy !req
157. Yeah, I finally took the plunge
and went full handlebar.Copy !req
158. Feelin' really good about it.Copy !req
159. I feel like it says, "I mean business."Copy !req
160. Yes, if your business is taming lions.Copy !req
161. Oh, wait! I have one more.Copy !req
162. You're 40 and you look stupid.Copy !req
163. I knew it!Copy !req
164. What? Is... That's fake?Copy !req
165. Yeah, I'm not gonna grow a real one
until I know if people like it.Copy !req
166. And I'll have you know,
I was invited to several pride parades.Copy !req
167. Please tell me you're here to fix my sink.Copy !req
168. Yeah, fine!Copy !req
169. - Ooh, that's a cool hammer.
- Uh, careful.Copy !req
170. That's very expensive Damascus steel.Copy !req
171. Ah, so we've got
two fancy tools up in here.Copy !req
172. No, come on.
Come on! No.Copy !req
173. You know you're the only non-Latino
I trust to fix stuff.Copy !req
174. Oh, is that racist?
Oh, who cares, it's just us.Copy !req
175. Yeah, don't do that.Copy !req
176. I regretted it as soon as I said it.Copy !req
177. It's no problem.
I can get that done by tonight.Copy !req
178. Maybe after dinner.
What's your mom cookin'?Copy !req
179. You've really been
eating here a lot lately.Copy !req
180. Yeah, I like it, too.Copy !req
181. Can you believe it's only been
10 months since you moved in?Copy !req
182. I remember 'cause I got
my five year sober chipCopy !req
183. and your mom baked me that cake.Copy !req
184. Oh, I remember, yeah.
I'm sorry it was a rum cake.Copy !req
185. I enjoyed watching you guys eat it.Copy !req
186. Oh, by the way...Copy !req
187. looks like you accidentally
threw these out.Copy !req
188. - I found 'em in the trash.
- Hmm.Copy !req
189. Wonder how they got there.Copy !req
190. Hey... listen, you can tell me anything.Copy !req
191. There's a landlord-tenant
confidentiality clause in your lease.Copy !req
192. No, there isn't.Copy !req
193. Okay, there's not,
but I really wanna know what's going on!Copy !req
194. Fine. They're anti-depressants
that Dr. Berkowitz thought I might need,Copy !req
195. but he doesn't know
what he's talking about, so...Copy !req
196. Yeah, it sounds like he
really cares about you.Copy !req
197. What a dick!Copy !req
198. I don't need them,
and I have to get them out of hereCopy !req
199. because if my mom finds 'em,
it'll be,Copy !req
200. "Ay, Dios mío,
she's a junkie like the Amy Winehouser."Copy !req
201. Yeah, so, I will, uh...Copy !req
202. I'll just get that washer
and we'll get that thing fixed right up.Copy !req
203. Oh! Hello, Schneider.Copy !req
204. Hola, señora.Copy !req
205. Oh, you shave out your mustache.Copy !req
206. - What, you liked it?
- Oh, yes. It made me laugh.Copy !req
207. Elena!Copy !req
208. Come out here, honey.
- What's up, Abuelita?Copy !req
209. Okay, listen, uh...Copy !req
210. I know you got issues
with the quinces, but—Copy !req
211. - All right...
- No, no, no. No, no.Copy !req
212. - But I am going to show you something...Copy !req
213. that I think might change your mind.Copy !req
214. This could be you.Copy !req
215. Mommy, please, put those away.
I hate those pictures. Burn it!Copy !req
216. Oh, hey! The quinceañera.
You're doing it!Copy !req
217. Elena, I knew you'd come around.Copy !req
218. She didn't! She thinks
she's being sold into slavery.Copy !req
219. That's not really part of it, right?Copy !req
220. You know what?
Let me talk to her.Copy !req
221. I've been doing some outreach
down at the rec center,Copy !req
222. talking to at-risk youth.Copy !req
223. No, I don't think you should do that.Copy !req
224. Hey, girl.Copy !req
225. How you livin'?Copy !req
226. Your abuela wants to throw you
a sick kick-back on a Saturday night.Copy !req
227. You know, keep it hundred.Copy !req
228. You down?Copy !req
229. What's happening right now?Copy !req
230. Schneider, she's gonna do it.
I got this.Copy !req
231. You know what, Captain Debater?
Let's debate this.Copy !req
232. But we're not doing a regular debate.
It's gotta be that thing I saw you doCopy !req
233. where we argue the opposite side
to better understand each other.Copy !req
234. You mean a Lincoln-Douglas debate?
My specialty?Copy !req
235. I once successfully
argued against gravity, so...Copy !req
236. Ooh, I'ma take my earrings off...Copy !req
237. 'cause it's about to go down!Copy !req
238. The issue before us
is quinces or no quinces.Copy !req
239. Okay...Copy !req
240. so I'm you.Copy !req
241. Mmm, listen kid!Copy !req
242. A quinces is just about the village
celebrating that you're a woman,Copy !req
243. which I know you know 'cause
you're the smartest one in the family!Copy !req
244. Oh,
I got better moves than that, right?Copy !req
245. Eh...Copy !req
246. But village isn't literal.Copy !req
247. It just means your family
and your friends.Copy !req
248. So, what's so bad
about this modern villageCopy !req
249. coming together to celebrate you?Copy !req
250. - Oh, yeah! She's good.
- Oh.Copy !req
251. Oh, my money's on her.Copy !req
252. You guys
wanna start takin' bets?Copy !req
253. Actually, scratch that.
I'm addicted to gambling.Copy !req
254. Okay, now I'll be you.Copy !req
255. Oh, my God!Copy !req
256. Do you even hear yourself?
Seriously!Copy !req
257. Your argument is that my adulthood
has to be approved by your friends?Copy !req
258. Pass!Copy !req
259. Well, I'm not gonna clap for that.Copy !req
260. So you want
to crush my heart into pieces...Copy !req
261. after I worked so hard
to give you an opportunityCopy !req
262. in this land of the free
and home of the brave?Copy !req
263. That's not me, that's her.Copy !req
264. You make me sound like I have an accent.Copy !req
265. Let's end this. Elena,Copy !req
266. you wrecked your first communion
because, as a vegetarian,Copy !req
267. you wouldn't eat the body of Christ.Copy !req
268. You even refused
to take any pictures with SantaCopy !req
269. because your abuelita wouldn't admit
that Christmas is a pagan ritual.Copy !req
270. Jesus and Santa were cousins.
Everybody knows this.Copy !req
271. So, when it comes to your quinces...Copy !req
272. I'm pleading with you.Copy !req
273. Can't you do this one thing
for your mother who loves you?Copy !req
274. Okay, Mom, I'll do it.Copy !req
275. Wait, what?Copy !req
276. I'm saying, you win!Copy !req
277. You should have a quinces
like you just proved.Copy !req
278. Dang! Mami set you up!Copy !req
279. I didn't realize how right I was.Copy !req
280. She said a bunch of stuff
I didn't even think of!Copy !req
281. Mami,Copy !req
282. Okay, this was stupid!
I'm still not having a quinces.Copy !req
283. Oh, God, just accept it.
You're Cuban, you're 15,Copy !req
284. you're gonna have a big party,
with a poofy dress and a bad photo.Copy !req
285. It's what we do.Copy !req
286. She can speak Spanish.Copy !req
287. Mrs. Doyle is in exam room threeCopy !req
288. and I swear to God, if that vieja
calls me Maria one more time...Copy !req
289. Mrs. Doyle has Alzheimer's.Copy !req
290. Oh, no, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
291. Hey, I'm messin' with ya.
She's just racist.Copy !req
292. What's going on with you today?
You're... you're all on edge.Copy !req
293. I had to put my foot down with Elena
about her quinces, and...Copy !req
294. I'm not sure if I did the right thing.
She wouldn't talk to me all weekend.Copy !req
295. Oh, don't worry. It gets better.Copy !req
296. Eventually they leave.Copy !req
297. It's just all on me now.Copy !req
298. Oh, yeah, every move you make
is fraught with peril.Copy !req
299. Is this gonna be the one
that scars them for life?Copy !req
300. And in my case,
the answer was always yes.Copy !req
301. Well, it's just a lot of pressure
and sometimes...Copy !req
302. I don't know.Copy !req
303. Did you ever take those—Copy !req
304. No, no. I threw them right in the trash.
It's fine!Copy !req
305. There's just a lot going on right now.Copy !req
306. But it's more than that, right?Copy !req
307. You were talking to me
about nightmares—Copy !req
308. I know what I said.Copy !req
309. Look, if...Copy !req
310. if you had something wrong
with your heart,Copy !req
311. and I gave you some medicine,
you would take it.Copy !req
312. So why wouldn't you
do the same with this?Copy !req
313. Yeah.Copy !req
314. But to be fair, I probably wouldn't take
that heart crap either.Copy !req
315. I mean, as a nurse,
I would totally recommend it,Copy !req
316. but as a Cuban, I suffer in silence.Copy !req
317. A silent Cuban?
Hey, I'd like to meet one of those.Copy !req
318. - And she's a teenager, right?
- Right.Copy !req
319. At least I'm safe for another year
with the little one.Copy !req
320. - Oh! Your phone telling you things.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
321. Alex ordered some sneakers for school.Copy !req
322. I get an alert
every time a package is delivered.Copy !req
323. How many feet does that kid have?Copy !req
324. Hey, so, for the quinces,
is there any way I can get a plus three?Copy !req
325. Currently in a bit of a...
lady-juggling situation.Copy !req
326. No, I promised you to Consuelo.Copy !req
327. Now, she has a good mustache.Copy !req
328. Just kidding.Copy !req
329. It's not that good.Copy !req
330. Alex.Copy !req
331. Alex!Copy !req
332. He can't hear you!Copy !req
333. - He is possessed by the YouTube.Copy !req
334. - I can explain.
Really?Copy !req
335. You can explain how one pair of sneakers
magically became five?Copy !req
336. Because that is some
Jesus crap right there.Copy !req
337. Sorry I said Jesus
so close to the word crap.Copy !req
338. Mom, this family's been through a lot,
and I felt like I needed to provide...Copy !req
339. because I'm the man of the house now.Copy !req
340. Oh, that's why you bought
five pairs of sneakers?Copy !req
341. That's why I bought
no pairs of sneakers.Copy !req
342. Oh, he's into magic now?Copy !req
343. Can I be your assistant?Copy !req
344. No, I will become the focus.Copy !req
345. Free returns, Mom.Copy !req
346. I can order any pair I want,
wear them a couple of times.Copy !req
347. As long as I keep them clean,
I can send them right back.Copy !req
348. I know you wanna be mad,
but that's genius.Copy !req
349. No, it's not.Copy !req
350. Alex, there's no way
you can keep all these sneakersCopy !req
351. - clean enough to send back.
- Oh, no?Copy !req
352. Oh, so, it's six pairs of shoes?Copy !req
353. Okay, what about the bottoms?
You've been walking around all day.Copy !req
354. Oh, you're right, Mom.Copy !req
355. I mean, you gotta get him
on Shark Tank or something.Copy !req
356. No. No, this ends now.
It's like you're stealing.Copy !req
357. Exactly!
It's like I'm stealing.Copy !req
358. No, you're not
charming your way out of this.Copy !req
359. I said one new pair.
You disobeyed me.Copy !req
360. Now, you get no new pairs.Copy !req
361. No, you know what?
Now, you get Elena's old sparkly ones.Copy !req
362. With the multicultural princesses?Copy !req
363. No!Copy !req
364. Lucky for you, she never wore them
'cause they were too gender-specific.Copy !req
365. She did like that they were diverse.Copy !req
366. I'm not wearing those.Copy !req
367. I still don't understand
why I can't buy these.Copy !req
368. Don't you have more money
now that Papi's gone?Copy !req
369. What?Copy !req
370. Well, you have a job,
plus Papi gives you money, right?Copy !req
371. So that's, like, double money.Copy !req
372. Sit down.Copy !req
373. - Let me talk to him.Copy !req
374. - Hey, little man... Okay.
- Out!Copy !req
375. Yes, your papi gives me money,Copy !req
376. but it's for the basics,
and it's not a lot.Copy !req
377. But he's absolutely doing his best,
and he will always be your papi.Copy !req
378. But make no mistake,
when it comes to money,Copy !req
379. I'm your daddy.Copy !req
380. Tomorrow, these all go back.Copy !req
381. - Everything okay?Copy !req
382. I need you to sign my test.Copy !req
383. Yes, everything is fine.
At least you're talking to me now.Copy !req
384. It says you got a D.Copy !req
385. I know.Copy !req
386. This is social studies. You love this!Copy !req
387. Yeah. I guess I didn't tryCopy !req
388. because I don't need an education
now that I'm gonna be chattel.Copy !req
389. And without schoolwork, I have more time
to plan my magical quinces. So...Copy !req
390. Ay. Okay.Copy !req
391. Enough.Copy !req
392. Yes, you keep that up,
and you will not have a quinces.Copy !req
393. Wait...Copy !req
394. I can't believe you.Copy !req
395. You know how hard I bust my ass,
by myself, to send you to that schoolCopy !req
396. so that you can have
more opportunities than I did.Copy !req
397. Then you... you pull this crap?Copy !req
398. I can't even look at you right now.
Just go to your room.Copy !req
399. You keep saying thatCopy !req
400. you want me to be this strong,
independent woman like you.Copy !req
401. And then, when I tell you that
I don't want to be a part of somethingCopy !req
402. that I think is
a misogynist cultural ritual,Copy !req
403. you tell me to shut up, do it anyway.Copy !req
404. So which is it, Mom?Copy !req
405. Lupita, are you okay?Copy !req
406. Ah, you're like me.Copy !req
407. You get upset and you clean.Copy !req
408. Wait, wait a minute.
Wait, what... what is that?Copy !req
409. It's an anti-depressant
that I'm gonna be taking.Copy !req
410. - So just deal with it.Copy !req
411. That is your answer? Drugs?Copy !req
412. Okay, open your mouth
and spit it in my hand.Copy !req
413. I haven't even taken it yet!Copy !req
414. And it's okay, Mom.
It's something that helps.Copy !req
415. But do you even see
everything that's happening now?Copy !req
416. You don't need drugs.
You need your husband.Copy !req
417. Oh, God, stop it!Copy !req
418. Stop. Victor is not the answer.Copy !req
419. I know you didn't want him
to go back to Afghanistan,Copy !req
420. but he's making money.Copy !req
421. He's being a good provider.Copy !req
422. There are jobs here
where they don't shoot at you.Copy !req
423. We live in America, name one!Copy !req
424. It's not just the job,
and you know that!Copy !req
425. - It's not like he cheated on you.
- It's not the only thing that matters.Copy !req
426. We are Cuban.
We don't get divorced, we die.Copy !req
427. Don't you think I miss him?Copy !req
428. You think I like being alone?Copy !req
429. I wanted to do this with somebody.
That was the plan.Copy !req
430. Family dinners, and inside jokes,Copy !req
431. and one of the kids says something cute,
and you share a look.Copy !req
432. And even right now to be able to say,
"Okay, they're insane, we're not."Copy !req
433. A partner.Copy !req
434. Someone to love.
Someone...Copy !req
435. someone in your bed.Copy !req
436. You know, since Victor's gone,
I don't sleep.Copy !req
437. Because he used to spoon me to sleep.
So, yeah, Mom...Copy !req
438. I miss the good stuff.Copy !req
439. Sometimes you just need somebody
to give you a hugCopy !req
440. and say, "I got you."Copy !req
441. I meant a man.Copy !req
442. I am very strong.Copy !req
443. I've been doing my yoga.Copy !req
444. I got you.Copy !req
445. Hey.Copy !req
446. The ladies be looking at your feet.
Something's wrong.Copy !req
447. Am I right?Copy !req
448. I'm sorry.Copy !req
449. Nah, I think I can make these work.Copy !req
450. Or, I noticed you bought a pair
for under 40 bucks,Copy !req
451. which means you did the right thingCopy !req
452. before you did the many,
many wrong things.Copy !req
453. Really? Oh, thank you!Copy !req
454. I was trying to be brave,Copy !req
455. but even the nuns
would've made fun of me.Copy !req
456. Listen, you don't have to worry
about being the man of the house.Copy !req
457. First of all, we don't have a house,
so there's that.Copy !req
458. You just be
a twelve-year-old boy, okay?Copy !req
459. Okay.Copy !req
460. And you're right,Copy !req
461. I shouldn't worry too much
about what's going on down here,Copy !req
462. when I got so much going on up here.Copy !req
463. Ah!Copy !req
464. Puberty's gonna hit you like a train.Copy !req
465. Hey.Copy !req
466. Hello.Copy !req
467. So there's been a lot of yelling.Copy !req
468. Okay, it was mostly me.Copy !req
469. But I hear you...
and you don't have to have a quinces.Copy !req
470. Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.Copy !req
471. Yeah, and this is not because
of that crap you pulled with the test.Copy !req
472. You do that again and I'll put
my quinces tiara on you while you sleep,Copy !req
473. and post it to your Instagram.
Don't test me.Copy !req
474. Okay.Copy !req
475. Look, I get the whole misogynist thing.
I do.Copy !req
476. But I hate to tell you lots of good stuff
has started for dumb man reasons.Copy !req
477. Yeah, like, marriage used to be
a way to pay off debts.Copy !req
478. Plus, women were being raped everywhere,Copy !req
479. so you'd marry your daughter off
to some guy and say,Copy !req
480. "Okay, he owns her now.
No raping this one."Copy !req
481. My point is we've made progress.Copy !req
482. I didn't know
you were such a feminist, Mom.Copy !req
483. I can assemble a rifle in 13 seconds.
I'm a total badass.Copy !req
484. How are you missing this?Copy !req
485. I'm sorry, it's just
a lot of times you sound like a mom.Copy !req
486. Yeah, well, I am one.Copy !req
487. And there is a part of me
that buys into that cheesyCopy !req
488. "my little girl
is becoming a woman" thing,Copy !req
489. because you're not
a little girl anymore.Copy !req
490. That is super weird.Copy !req
491. If I'm being honest with myself,
I was making your quinces about me.Copy !req
492. I guess I wanted people
to show up and say,Copy !req
493. "Look at the amazing single mom
pulling it all together by herself."Copy !req
494. I know. It was dumb.Copy !req
495. It's not dumb. They're dumb.Copy !req
496. - Who?
- The people.Copy !req
497. No, there's no people,
that's just a thing that I said.Copy !req
498. No, I'll do it.Copy !req
499. All I wanted was a good reason why,
and you just gave me one.Copy !req
500. Oh, my God, really?Copy !req
501. That is so great!Copy !req
502. We'll... we'll do the whole thing.
The ceremony, the stupid waltz.Copy !req
503. We're gonna show them
what single mothers can pull off.Copy !req
504. I will dress like a child bride
for you, Mom.Copy !req
505. Okay, now I feel like I
should talk you out of it.Copy !req
506. Yeah, but I won't. I won't.Copy !req
507. Your abuelita, she can be a broken record,
but she taught me life can be tough.Copy !req
508. So when you get something to celebrate,
you take it.Copy !req
509. Then take photos.Copy !req
510. Photos I'll use to scare your children.Copy !req
511. Oh, I'm not having children.Copy !req
512. Not today.Copy !req
513. Move over.Copy !req
514. What?Copy !req
515. What are you doing here?Copy !req
516. - I'm going to spoon you.
- No.Copy !req
517. - Yes, move over.
- Mami, no!Copy !req
518. - Okay, shh!
- No!Copy !req
519. - You're gonna like this. It's very nice.
- No, don't do it.Copy !req
520. - Oh, yes, see? See?Copy !req
521. Mmm.Copy !req