Nothing to See Here 1x6

1. What else can a blind person aspire to be

2. if not what we're supposed to be?

3. - What more can we dream of? - Come on, come on.

4. Yeah, that's it! That's it! Come on, come on!

5. Acknowledge your limits.

6. Paralympic champion? Why not?

7. Well done, my boy! That's it, yes!

8. Congratulations! You did it. You just broke a world record.

9. They'll move you up a level. I'll talk to the instructor. Wait.

10. Uh, I'm Alexis' dad.

11. - Alexis? - Yes, Alexis. The one over there.

12. - Alexis, Alexis, Alexis, Alexis... - In lane one. Yes.

13. Do you want to be a real champion, Alexis?

14. Then let go of that board, huh?

15. That's for those who are weak, and you're not weak.

16. But Mom, I can't. The instructor said I'm not ready yet.

17. Ugh, that's because the coach doesn't know what you're capable of, but I do.

18. Are you really gonna let that instructor tell you what you can and cannot do?

19. Of course not.

20. Go on, you can do it.

21. Of course you can do it! That's it! Yes, that's it!

22. Go on, move your legs. Move your legs! Move your legs!

23. Kick hard! Kick those legs, Alexis! Kick, kick, kick, kick! Harder!

24. Come on, kick harder!

25. Hey, what's going on?

26. Were you going to let him drown?

27. You'll be the one responsible for him drowning,

28. next time he falls into a pool when he's alone!

29. In my defense, I would like to say

30. that it's not the first time you've been hit by a car.

31. - This one doesn't count. - The first one doesn't either.

32. The first one does, but that's not the point.

33. Why's she laughing?

34. We never know.

35. At least let us take you to a hospital to get checked out.

36. You don't trust me either?

37. I always believed I was making you stronger.

38. But now I... I realize all I've done is put you at risk.

39. I'm not sure you can do this all alone, Alexis.

40. He's not alone.

41. Really, Azul?

42. How long have you known Alexis?

43. Three weeks? You think you know how to care for him?

44. Are you saying I'm a burden? Is that what I was for you?

45. Do you have any idea of the sacrifices I've made for you?

46. What I gave up for you?

47. Have you ever wondered, Alexis, what my dreams were when I was your age?

48. What I wanted to be before being a mother?

49. No, no, you don't know,

50. because... because that's what mothers are supposed to be, right? Mothers!

51. But we also have dreams, and I gave them up for you!

52. I wanted to be a photographer.

53. So before you go throwing a tantrum about never asking to be born...

54. Because you're 27 years old, Alexis. Twenty-seven years old!

55. try showing a little bit of gratitude for everything we've done for you.

56. A tiny bit.

57. Remember when I found out I was different from the other kids?

58. You were five years old.

59. I asked you if there was something wrong with me, remember?

60. You said I should never think that way.

61. And you know what? I believed you.

62. I thought I was no different from anyone...

63. until now.

64. You are, Alexis.

65. If you want to live like you're not,

66. you'll have to try even harder and do much more.

67. I'm not going back to Querétaro.

68. I don't need your help. You can leave.

69. - Just be careful. - You're gonna be late.

70. Take care of him.

71. Holy shit, dude. Your folks are a couple of serious loonies.

72. Counselor, can we have a conversation between lawyers?

73. Between lawyers? Then you're a lawyer too?

74. Sure. I've done six stints in jail. No better place to learn about the law.

75. And I can attest to that.

76. Look, Counselor Carmen, right?

77. My client here wants full disclosure

78. as to why your client is so scared of Civil Protection.

79. What did he do to cause such animosity?

80. - Animadversion. - That too, yes.

81. Now, we know that Alexis's father exposed a cesspool that we want to cover.

82. But in order to do that, we need to know what's in it, right?

83. Whatever is in that cesspool is our business.

84. Right!

85. It must be something that can be fixed,

86. - because everything can be fixed. - Sure.

87. I'm cancelling the contest.

88. You want to postpone the contest?

89. Canceling the contest.

90. You said "postpone," right?

91. I said cancel the damn contest!

92. Look here, you toupeed fucking dick face.

93. It'll take me three days to find out what sketchy business you got here,

94. and three more to fix it so my bro can get on that stage.

95. - So you're gonna cancel... - Postpone!

96. postpone the contest until next week, is that clear?

97. You can postpone it till next year if you want.

98. You'll never find out!

99. Besides, there are no contestants today.

100. The one who's confirmed cancelled because he couldn't travel.

101. The only one we got is fuckin' Egg Eyes.

102. - Hey! - Watch your mouth.

103. So call him. Tell him you'll give him another chance.

104. Go on!

105. I'm gonna put it off for one week.

106. I have to give out the awards anyway.

107. - Okay. We'll see you in three days. - We need more time for our investigation.

108. Fine. Let's make it five, just in case.

109. Five days.

110. - Five days. - Five days.

111. Yeah, whatever.

112. - Thank you, Counselor. - Thanks.

113. It's been four days, and nobody will tell us anything.

114. Maybe it happened a long time ago.

115. Ah, I know who to talk to.

116. I have to go alone, though. See ya.

117. I'm so hungry.

118. I'm getting something to eat.

119. Suddenly, I need to take a shit.

120. Catch you later.

121. Gimme some. Come on.

122. I used to love your photographs very much.

123. How long are you going to give me the silent treatment?

124. Remember when I took this picture?

125. Yes.

126. It was Alexis's tenth birthday.

127. It was the last photo I took.

128. You should take up photography again.

129. Wh... Where are you going?

130. Did you prepare something in case they let you on stage?

131. You mean like a routine or something?

132. Or an apology, in case you screw up.

133. What? You think I'm gonna screw up too?

134. I just think you could end up like the dog who finally caught the car.

135. Say what?

136. Do you have any idea what happened to that dog?

137. - No. - Nothing.

138. He simply turned around and went back.

139. What if you're no good at this? What are we gonna do then?

140. Why are you stressing me out now?

141. Well, the contest is tomorrow and you haven't prepared anything.

142. You need 30 minutes.

143. I'll improvise like I always do.

144. Are you saying you don't have faith in me either?

145. That's not it.

146. I'm thinking about what your mom said.

147. Why? What'd she say?

148. She said you'll always have to try twice as hard

149. to prove to others that you're not different.

150. I'm not saying I agree with that.

151. I think you should try twice as hard to prove you are different, one of a kind.

152. Chances are really big that we're about to eat Taquito,

153. but it's the cheapest...

154. - Azul! - Huh?

155. Uh... Oh, Killer?

156. Did she say "Killer"? Let's get outta here!

157. No, no, no, no, no!

158. I come in peace. I just want us to be friends.

159. We're fine, thanks.

160. The hell are you doing here? How'd you find me?

161. I saw you on the street.

162. I've been following you for two blocks, but you walk fast!

163. No, you're just out of shape.

164. I sent you like 50 messages.

165. So what? Couldn't figure out that I blocked you?

166. Remember that producer who recorded my stuff? Quique?

167. He heard you perform at El Underground.

168. He can't stop talking about you.

169. Really?

170. We're gonna make another album. He wants us to work together.

171. You and me?

172. We'll be touring all over the place.

173. It'll be badass.

174. And all the booze you want for free!

175. How am I supposed to know it's not another fucked-up lie

176. so you and me can get back together?

177. You're still with the blind dude?

178. His name is Alexis.

179. He's no good for you.

180. I Googled it. Blind dudes are a pain.

181. He'll ask you to dress him up,

182. then he'll ask you if he shaved properly and all kinda shit.

183. They're the worst boyfriends. Trust me, I looked it up!

184. Well, that's my business, so stay out of it.

185. All right, whatever.

186. So, are you in or not?

187. Well, I'll think about it.

188. Don't think about it too long,

189. because tomorrow there's a big party at Quique's house.

190. And he wants to meet you.

191. Tomorrow's the contest.

192. What contest?

193. Forget it, I can't tomorrow.

194. It's important, Azul.

195. You can't turn down these people. You know that.

196. What if he changes his mind?

197. - Look, I told you, I'll think about it. - I'll send the location.

198. Aw man, I really wish I had a tape measure on me.

199. I am absolutely positive I broke the world record!

200. Hey, what's with the long faces?

201. Hey! I ran into a guy who looked just like the jerk we beat up at El Underground.

202. Did you find out anything?

203. You'll never guess.

204. Cock fights, Chocho?

205. Are you for fucking real?

206. How the hell did you find out?

207. Someone ratted you out.

208. I needed some extra cash, okay?

209. Yeah, and the bar was doing badly.

210. That's why we held cock fights on Sundays. So what?

211. Menchaca, that inspector from Civil Protection, he caught me.

212. And I invited him to become my partner, and then I let him have Pánfilo.

213. - Pánfilo? - A champion cock.

214. Twenty-seven victories.

215. For two years, it was a great business.

216. Then I saw Babe.

217. - Babe, the movie? - This is getting weird.

218. Man, I was deeply moved.

219. I had no idea animals had feelings.

220. They communicate with each other, right? And they care about us.

221. And getting weirder, bro.

222. Anyway, in a nutshell, your dear daddy found out,

223. and once again I find myself

224. under the watchful eye of Civil Protection.

225. The director knows I bribed one of her employees,

226. and it won't be long until she founds out who.

227. Well, if Menchaca is the problem, we can take care of him.

228. We're very discreet, very careful.

229. You are not going to take care of Menchaca.

230. There's no way Civil Protection won't find out about you going on stage.

231. And they're looking for any excuse to shut me down.

232. Boy, I'm getting dizzy.

233. I don't meet the safety requirements for you to get on stage.

234. Or anything else, for that matter.

235. Well, even if I wanted to make the necessary improvements,

236. today's the last day of the contest.

237. Everybody's waiting to find out the winner.

238. I can't stop everything just for you.

239. This isn't over until it's over. Are you both with me on this?

240. - Uh-huh. - And you?

241. Jimmy?

242. The contest starts at 8:00. We only have two hours to deal with this.

243. We don't need time. What we need is money, as usual.

244. Or find some leverage for negotiation, like Chocho did.

245. So wait, you're telling me the dude is a vegetarian?

246. Yeah, ever since he saw the movie Babe, the Sheep-Pig.

247. I don't believe that.

248. Well, I do. That little piggy can make anybody cry.

249. Holy shit!

250. - What? What, what? What? - Look.

251. Fucking hell!

252. Come on in.

253. - Ms. Balderas? - Mmm?

254. Some young people would like to speak to you.

255. Ready.

256. All right, let me guess.

257. You all came here to moan and groan about Chocho.

258. Ms. Balderas—

259. "Your Majesty" to you, disrespectful asshole.

260. Talk to me as your queen.

261. I'm just kidding. Explain to him that I'm one-eyed.

262. - She has a patch over her eye. - Ah, right. In the land of the blind...

263. The one-eyed is queen!

264. Very funny. Good one.

265. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

266. Well, first of all, you need to know

267. that in this office, we are concerned about people with...

268. different abilities.

269. Is that term still used? People with different abilities?

270. No, Your Majesty. No.

271. "Special abilities"?

272. Not that either.

273. What fucking euphemism are you using now?

274. "People with special superpowers," or something?

275. - Persons with functional diversity. - That.

276. In this office, we are concerned about

277. persons with functional diversity.

278. Hey, is that your motorcycle taking up two spots

279. reserved for people with functional diversity?

280. Always.

281. Always park in spots reserved for people with functional diversity.

282. Much safer for your vehicle.

283. Sure, especially if you have plates for people with functional diversity.

284. - Give it up already. God. - Yeah, right.

285. Had I known sooner what was going on,

286. I would have taken corrective measures to deal with the issues.

287. All right. What does it take to make a place suitable

288. for a person who is blind?

289. Well, technically, nothing.

290. I always suggest to business owners to install wheelchair ramps,

291. but almost none do.

292. But Alexis doesn't need a wheelchair.

293. There are so many disabilities,

294. putting in access ramps deals with everything.

295. Uh, what's the problem then?

296. What's the problem with what?

297. How can I get on stage without Chocho's bar getting shut down?

298. - Mm-hmm. - Wait, wait, wait.

299. You didn't come here to ask me to shut down Chocho's bar?

300. - No! - You don't want it shut down either?

301. Why the hell would I want to do that?

302. Chocho has been the best source of revenue for this office since I took the job.

303. Every five minutes,

304. this idiot has given us a reason to slap him with a fine.

305. Did you know that he organized a cock fight with one of my workers?

306. - I had no idea. - What a piece of work.

307. We had to play stupid,

308. 'cause that would have been reason enough to shut him down for good.

309. We've been stringing him along for years,

310. making him believe he's the one fooling us.

311. Oh, wow.

312. - That's clever! - That's a good one.

313. But now I have no choice but to shut him down.

314. But I'm confused.

315. I thought you just said no changes needed to be made at the bar

316. for him to get on stage.

317. You really have no idea what's going on, do you?

318. No, what's going on?

319. You went viral!

320. What?

321. In less than three hours.

322. Hang on.

323. Someone posted this video.

324. We've been tagged in a shitload of videos asking us to shut the place down.

325. Wanna see where they put my eyes, asshole? Lookie here!

326. Wanna see where they put my eyes...

327. Oh, no.

328. Well, your father, we were able to manage. But this is totally out of our hands.

329. When are you planning on shutting it down?

330. My people are waiting for me now.

331. Uh, couldn't you maybe leave it until tomorrow?

332. Eesh, everything's ready.

333. - No! - Couple of hours, that's all I'm asking.

334. I wanna participate, please.

335. Yeah, please.

336. I really wish I could, bro. But, uh, I don't see how.

337. Your Majesty!

338. Go ahead.

339. My participation in that contest is not just important for me,

340. it's important for all those who've been told they don't fit the mold.

341. It's a message to anyone who's ever been boxed in with no way out.

342. I'm asking you here and now, help me get out of that box.

343. How sweet.

344. Yeah.

345. But no. You almost had me, though.

346. I have a better idea.

347. Let's go there.

348. You'll make another video saying it was a misunderstanding,

349. it was part of the show,

350. and that La Perla is...

351. How shall I say it?

352. Blind-friendly.

353. Is that the term you'd use? Blind-friendly?

354. - We wouldn't say that. - Ah, whatever.

355. If you help me save my goose that lays the golden eggs,

356. I'll make sure you'll be able to take part in that contest.

357. - Really? Yeah! - Agreed? We good?

358. You like motorcycles, loyal subject?

359. - Now we're talking! - All right!

360. Well, dear audience,

361. we're getting very close to the end of our contest.

362. These past few weeks have been, uh, very emotional.

363. Remember that it's you, the audience,

364. who gets to decide who'll be the winner of our grand prize of 25,000 pesos!

365. And now, our very last comedian is a very special person for us here, huh?

366. He's had to overcome great obstacles in order to get here.

367. And so, from Querétaro, let's welcome a very talented and unique comedian,

368. Pretty-Boy Paquito!

369. That's very nice of you, thank you.

370. Thanks, but of course, you're the ones who deserve a round of applause, yeah?

371. That's it. Great audience.

372. - Tonight, we're gonna... - Stop everything!

373. There's a slight change in the program.

374. I'd like to present your next comedian for tonight,

375. the one, the only, the hilarious Alexis Egg Eyes!