1. You should go and talk to someone.
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2. Are you sleeping?
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3. There's like, uh, like a service.
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4. It's free.
You might as well.
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5. Connell?
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6. Would you like to come with me?
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7. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
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8. five, four, three, two, one.
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9. Happy New Year!
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10. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year.
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11. Happy New Year, you.
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12. Who is it?
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13. Uh, it's just an old school friend.
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14. You okay?
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15. Uh, yeah.
It's just a Happy New Year thing.
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16. Happy New Year!
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17. What do you mean?
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18. Are you on your own?
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19. No, I'm with Helen.
What do you mean, a body?
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20. Whose body, what?
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21. Rob Hegarty, sweetheart.
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22. They pulled a body
out of the river this morning.
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23. Okay, why don't we talk about
how you're feeling.
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24. Uh, yeah, not great.
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25. I'm sorry to hear that.
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26. When did you start feeling this way?
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27. Uh...
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28. a couple of months ago.
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29. January, I suppose.
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30. Okay.
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31. Did something happen then,
or did it just
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32. come out of nowhere, do you feel?
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33. A friend of mine killed himself
in January.
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34. A friend from school.
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35. I'm very sorry to hear that, Connell.
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36. We, we hadn't really kept up
with each other after college.
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37. 'Cause he was, uh...
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38. He was just back in Sligo
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39. and I was up here
and everything, and um...
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40. I guess I just feel guilty that I wasn't
in touch with him more.
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41. I can understand that.
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42. But however you might be feeling
about your friend,
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43. what happened to him is not your fault.
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44. You are not responsible
for the decisions he made.
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45. I never even replied to the last message
he sent me.
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46. When you lose someone to suicide,
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47. it can be natural to wonder if there's
any more you could have done
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48. in order to help this person.
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49. I'm sure everyone in your friend's life
is asking themselves
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50. the same questions now.
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51. Yeah, but at least other people
tried to help him.
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52. He'd, uh, been drinking a fair bit.
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53. He seemed a bit, um...
you know, out of sorts, I guess.
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54. Right.
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55. Never wanted to go home, you know?
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56. He always wanted one more.
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57. Got into a few scraps.
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58. Nothing serious, just...
thought it was a laugh.
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59. I tried talking to him, but...
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60. You look handsome.
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61. Ready, sweetheart?
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62. Marianne.
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63. Thank you.
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64. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the colors.
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65. You look great.
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66. Thank you.
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67. I'm so sorry.
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68. Thanks, love.
Thanks for coming.
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69. Connell.
Good man, good man.
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70. I hear you're doing great things
above in Trinity.
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71. So sorry.
Good man.
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72. Thanks for coming.
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73. Thank you.
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74. How are things?
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75. - Who's this?
- Uh...
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76. Helen.
Uh, this is Eric.
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77. Girlfriend, is it?
Yeah.
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78. Must be your fault this fella
never comes home anymore.
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79. No, it's not her fault.
It's my fault.
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80. I'm just messing.
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81. Good of Marianne to come.
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82. I thought she was off in Sweden
or some place.
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83. Yeah, she was.
She's back for the funeral.
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84. She's gone very thin, hasn't she?
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85. Here's herself.
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86. Very good to have come all the way
from Sweden, Marianne.
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87. It's nice to see you.
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88. Do you know Helen here?
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89. Course I do.
We were in college together.
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90. Hello, Helen.
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91. It's all friendly, I hope.
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92. No rivalry, I mean.
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93. Behave yourself now.
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94. Why didn't you introduce me
to any of your friends?
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95. I introduced you to Eric, didn't I?
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96. Only after he asked.
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97. To be honest, you didn't seem like
you really wanted him to meet me.
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98. If you didn't want me to come,
you shouldn't have asked me.
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99. Okay, I'm sorry I asked you, then.
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100. What does that mean?
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101. - You're sorry I was there?
- No.
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102. I'm saying if you got the wrong impression
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103. of what it was gonna be like,
then I'm sorry.
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104. You didn't
want me there at all, did you?
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105. I didn't want to be there myself,
to be honest.
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106. Look, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time.
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107. But like, it was a funeral.
Don't really know what you expected.
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108. Well, you weren't ignoring Marianne.
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109. I wasn't ignoring anyone.
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110. But you just seemed particularly happy
to see her.
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111. For fuck's sake, Helen.
What?
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112. I mean, does every argument
have to come back to this?
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113. Our friend just killed himself,
and now, you want to start
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114. going at me about Marianne.
Like, seriously?
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115. And yeah.
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116. I was happy to see her.
Does that make me a monster?
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117. I've been very sympathetic about Rob
and you know that.
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118. But what do you expect me to do?
Just pretend I don't notice
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119. you're staring at another woman
in front of me.
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120. No, I was not staring at her.
You were, in the church.
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121. It wasn't intentional.
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122. Why do you have to act
so weird around her?
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123. How I act with her
is my normal personality.
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124. I'm... maybe I'm just a weird person.
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125. Most of you will, I hope,
have picked up on the fact that...
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126. This dismantling of the family trope
is fairly radical.
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127. The constitution itself quite literally
defined the Irish...
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128. Like, I want to be there for you,
but you just won't let me.
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129. I have tried.
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130. And I feel like I'm holding on
to other, like,
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131. frankly legitimate worries or whatever
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132. that existed before all this.
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133. Before you felt like this.
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134. And I can't sit on them
'cause you're feeling so low.
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135. That's just not fair.
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136. I really care about you.
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137. I hate seeing you like this.
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138. But I don't think this is working anymore.
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139. I don't know if this was all the way
working before, and now...
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140. all this is just like...
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141. exacerbated it, and...
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142. Okay.
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143. I'm sorry.
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144. I'm sorry too.
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145. Do you have friends here in Dublin?
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146. Anyone you're close with that you might
talk to about how you're feeling.
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147. Um...
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148. Niall, maybe.
He's the one who told me about this.
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149. Well, that's good.
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150. He's looking out for you.
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151. Niall.
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152. Okay.
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153. I have another friend that
I'm pretty close with, but, um...
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154. she's on Erasmus this year.
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155. I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.
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156. - I liked Helen.
- HM.
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157. I did.
I genuinely did.
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158. I know she wasn't entirely
fond of me, but...
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159. it's hard to ignore
that she made you happy.
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160. I, I don't know.
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161. I don't feel anything.
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162. Then I...
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163. I find myself crying or having
a panic attack
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164. so presumably, I do feel it.
Just, uh...
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165. It just doesn't connect.
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166. I understand.
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167. I know you do.
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168. I'm really tired.
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169. You want to sleep?
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170. We can keep Skype on.
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171. Carry me over to your bed.
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172. Is she a friend from college?
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173. We were in school together.
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174. But, uh, she's in Trinity as well.
It's Marianne.
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175. She knew Rob, our friend who died.
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176. But um...
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177. she's away this year, like I said.
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178. You're awake.
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179. Morning.
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180. Is she someone you might talk with
about how you're feeling?
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181. She's been supportive about it.
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182. And she's, um...
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183. She's hard to describe,
if you don't know her.
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184. She's, um...
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185. she's really smart.
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186. She's a lot smarter than me.
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187. We, we see the world in a similar way.
And uh...
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188. we've lived our life in the same place.
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189. So obviously, it's, um...
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190. It's a bit different being away from her.
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191. It sounds difficult.
Mm-hmm.
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192. I don't really click with a lot of people.
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193. I, I struggle with that, actually.
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194. Do you think that's a new problem?
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195. Or is it familiar to you?
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196. Mm.
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197. It's, uh, familiar.
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198. I would say, um...
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199. in school, I definitely felt that
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200. feeling of isolation or whatever.
But um...
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201. People seem to like me.
Everything, and...
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202. here, I don't think that, uh...
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203. people like me that much.
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204. Uh, like Rob, my friend who, uh...
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205. um, I wouldn't say that we clicked
on a very deep level or anything.
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206. But, um, we were friends.
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207. And, uh...
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208. I wouldn't say that we had a lot in common
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209. in terms of interests
or anything like that.
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210. Definitely not politically, if we ever
really examined that. But, um...
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211. That stuff didn't really matter in school.
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212. 'Cause we were, we were in the same
group of friends, so, you know?
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213. I understand that.
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214. And, uh, he...
he did some stuff that I, uh...
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215. I wouldn't have been a fan of,
in terms of, like with girls.
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216. But uh...
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217. We were 18, you know.
We just, uh...
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218. we acted like idiots, and uh...
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219. I think...
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220. I felt a bit alienated with that stuff.
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221. And, uh...
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222. I think-I think I thought if I...
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223. moved here...
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224. I'd fit in better.
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225. I thought, um...
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226. I'd meet more like-minded people
but that just hasn't...
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227. um...
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228. I left Carricklea thinking
I could have a different life.
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229. But I... I hate it here and...
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230. I can never go back.
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231. Because those friendships are gone, and...
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232. and Rob is gone and I,
I can't see him again.
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233. I can't get that life back.
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234. I'm sorry.
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235. You don't need to apologize.
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236. She sounds nice.
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237. Yeah.
Sounds good.
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238. Yeah.
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239. Well done, Niall.
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240. How do you feel now?
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241. Uh, okay.
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242. Just, um...
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243. Flat, I guess.
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244. Mm.
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245. What?
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246. Do you ever feel...
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247. I don't know.
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248. Angry?
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249. Uh, about?
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250. About Rob.
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251. After the funeral, did you feel angry?
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252. With him?
No.
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253. No, geez, no.
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254. I know that's...
that people feel that when someone...
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255. I couldn't get off Facebook.
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256. Everyone kept commenting on his wall.
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257. Yeah.
Like, it made me furious.
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258. Like, what do they mean?
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259. All these people, like
advertising their loss like that.
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260. And who's it for?
Not Rob, obviously.
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261. And, like,
what's the etiquette there?
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262. Should I be liking every comment
on his wall?
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263. Well, it sounds like you've
worked through that anger.
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264. No.
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265. Of course, people can grieve
how they want.
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266. - Sorry.
- I get it.
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267. It feels a bit pointless.
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268. Yeah, I think that's it.
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269. And everyone kept talking about...
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270. what a great person he was.
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271. How full of life,
what a devoted son, and I get it.
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272. But what, was that him?
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273. No.
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274. He was insecure.
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275. Obsessed with being liked.
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276. I mean, I know I can talk.
But...
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277. I miss you.
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278. I miss you, too, Connell.
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