1. You should go
and talk to someone.Copy !req
2. Are you sleeping?Copy !req
3. There's like,
uh, like a service.Copy !req
4. It's free.
You might as well.Copy !req
5. Connell?Copy !req
6. Would you like to come with me?Copy !req
7. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,Copy !req
8. five, four, three, two, one.Copy !req
9. Happy New Year!Copy !req
10. Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year.Copy !req
11. Happy New Year, you.Copy !req
12. Who is it?Copy !req
13. - Uh, it's just
an old school friend.Copy !req
14. - You okay?Copy !req
15. - Uh, yeah. It's just
a Happy New Year thing.Copy !req
16. Happy New Year!Copy !req
17. - What do you mean?Copy !req
18. Are you on your own?Copy !req
19. - No, I'm with Helen.
What do you mean, a body?Copy !req
20. Whose body, what?Copy !req
21. Rob Hegarty, sweetheart.Copy !req
22. They pulled a body
out of the river this morning.Copy !req
23. - Okay, why don't we talk about
how you're feeling.Copy !req
24. - Uh, yeah, not great.Copy !req
25. - I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
26. When did you
start feeling this way?Copy !req
27. - Uh...Copy !req
28. a couple of months ago.Copy !req
29. January, I suppose.Copy !req
30. - Okay.Copy !req
31. Did something happen then,
or did it justCopy !req
32. come out of nowhere,
do you feel?Copy !req
33. - A friend of mine killed himself
in January.Copy !req
34. A friend from school.Copy !req
35. - I'm very sorry
to hear that, Connell.Copy !req
36. - We, we hadn't really kept up
with each other after college.Copy !req
37. 'Cause he was, uh...Copy !req
38. He was just back in SligoCopy !req
39. and I was up here
and everything, and, um...Copy !req
40. I guess I just feel guilty
that I wasn't in touch
with him more.Copy !req
41. - I can understand that.Copy !req
42. But however you might be
feeling about your friend,Copy !req
43. what happened to him
is not your fault.Copy !req
44. You are not responsible
for the decisions he made.Copy !req
45. - I never even replied to
the last message he sent me.Copy !req
46. - When you lose
someone to suicide,Copy !req
47. it can be natural to wonder
if there's any more
you could have doneCopy !req
48. in order to help this person.Copy !req
49. I'm sure everyone
in your friend's lifeCopy !req
50. is asking themselves
the same questions now.Copy !req
51. - Yeah, but at least other people
tried to help him.Copy !req
52. He'd, uh,
been drinking a fair bit.Copy !req
53. He seemed a bit, um...
you know, out of sorts, I guess.Copy !req
54. Right.Copy !req
55. Never wanted to go home,
you know?Copy !req
56. He always wanted one more.Copy !req
57. Got into a few scraps.Copy !req
58. Nothing serious, just...
thought it was a laugh.Copy !req
59. I tried talking to him, but...Copy !req
60. You look handsome.Copy !req
61. - Ready, sweetheart?Copy !req
62. - Marianne.Copy !req
63. Thank you.Copy !req
64. I'm so sorry.
- Thanks for the colors.Copy !req
65. You look great.Copy !req
66. Thank you.Copy !req
67. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
68. Thanks, love.
Thanks for coming.Copy !req
69. Connell.
Good man, good man.Copy !req
70. I hear you're doing great
things above in Trinity.Copy !req
71. - So sorry.
- Good man.Copy !req
72. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
73. Thank you.Copy !req
74. - How are things?Copy !req
75. Who's this?
- Uh...Copy !req
76. Helen.
Uh, this is Eric.Copy !req
77. - Girlfriend, is it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
78. - Must be your fault this fella
never comes home anymore.Copy !req
79. - No, it's not her fault.
It's my fault.Copy !req
80. - I'm just messing.Copy !req
81. Good of Marianne to come.Copy !req
82. I thought she was off
in Sweden or someplace.Copy !req
83. - Yeah, she was.
She's back for the funeral.Copy !req
84. - She's gone very thin,
hasn't she?Copy !req
85. Here's herself.Copy !req
86. Very good to have come all
the way from Sweden, Marianne.Copy !req
87. - It's nice to see you.Copy !req
88. - Do you know Helen here?Copy !req
89. Course I do.
We were in college together.Copy !req
90. Hello, Helen.Copy !req
91. It's all friendly, I hope.Copy !req
92. No rivalry, I mean.Copy !req
93. - Behave yourself now.Copy !req
94. - Why didn't you introduce me
to any of your friends?Copy !req
95. - I introduced you
to Eric, didn't I?Copy !req
96. - Only after he asked.Copy !req
97. To be honest, you didn't
seem like you really
wanted him to meet me.Copy !req
98. If you didn't want me to come,
you shouldn't have asked me.Copy !req
99. - Okay, I'm sorry
I asked you, then.Copy !req
100. - What does that mean?
- (Connell sighs)Copy !req
101. - You're sorry I was there?
- No.Copy !req
102. I'm saying if you got
the wrong impressionCopy !req
103. of what it was gonna be like,
then I'm sorry.Copy !req
104. - You didn't
want me there at all, did you?Copy !req
105. - I didn't want to be there
myself, to be honest.Copy !req
106. Look, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time.Copy !req
107. But like, it was a funeral.Copy !req
108. Don't really know
what you expected.Copy !req
109. - Well, you weren't
ignoring Marianne.Copy !req
110. - I wasn't ignoring anyone.Copy !req
111. - But you just seemed
particularly happy to see her.Copy !req
112. - For fuck's sake, Helen.
- What?Copy !req
113. - I mean, does every argument
have to come back to this?Copy !req
114. Our friend just killed himself,
and now, you want to startCopy !req
115. going at me about Marianne.
Like, seriously?Copy !req
116. And yeah.Copy !req
117. I was happy to see her.
Does that make me a monster?Copy !req
118. - I've been very sympathetic
about Rob and you know that.Copy !req
119. But what do you expect me to do?
Just pretend I don't noticeCopy !req
120. you're staring at another woman
in front of me.Copy !req
121. - No, I was not staring at her.
- You were, in the church.Copy !req
122. - It wasn't intentional.Copy !req
123. - Why do you have to act
so weird around her?Copy !req
124. - How I act with her
is my normal personality.Copy !req
125. I'm... maybe I'm
just a weird person.Copy !req
126. Most of you will, I hope,Copy !req
127. have picked up
on the fact that...Copy !req
128. This dismantling of the family
trope is fairly radical.Copy !req
129. The constitution itself quite
literally defined the Irish...Copy !req
130. Like I want to be there for youCopy !req
131. but you just won't let me.Copy !req
132. I have tried.Copy !req
133. And I feel like I'm holding on
to other, like,Copy !req
134. frankly legitimate worries
or whateverCopy !req
135. that existed before all this.Copy !req
136. Before you felt like this.Copy !req
137. And I can't sit on them
'cause you're feeling so low.Copy !req
138. That's just not fair.Copy !req
139. I really care about you.Copy !req
140. I hate seeing you like this.Copy !req
141. But I don't think
this is working anymore.Copy !req
142. I don't know if this was
all the way working before,
and now...Copy !req
143. all this is just like...Copy !req
144. (sniffs)
exacerbated it, and...Copy !req
145. - Okay.Copy !req
146. I'm sorry.Copy !req
147. - I'm sorry too.Copy !req
148. Do you have
friends here in Dublin?Copy !req
149. Anyone you're close withCopy !req
150. that you might talk to
about how you're feeling.Copy !req
151. - Um...Copy !req
152. Niall, maybe.Copy !req
153. He's the one
who told me about this.Copy !req
154. - Well, that's good.Copy !req
155. He's looking out for you.Copy !req
156. Niall.Copy !req
157. Okay.Copy !req
158. - I have another friend that
I'm pretty close with but, um...Copy !req
159. she's on Erasmus this year.Copy !req
160. - I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.Copy !req
161. I liked Helen.
- Hmm.Copy !req
162. - I did.
I genuinely did.Copy !req
163. I know she wasn't entirely
fond of me, but...Copy !req
164. it's hard to ignore
that she made you happy.Copy !req
165. - I, I don't know.Copy !req
166. I don't feel anything.Copy !req
167. Then I...Copy !req
168. I find myself crying
or having a panic attackCopy !req
169. so presumably, I do feel it.
Just, uh...Copy !req
170. It just doesn't connect.Copy !req
171. - I understand.Copy !req
172. - I know you do.Copy !req
173. I'm really tired.Copy !req
174. - You want to sleep?Copy !req
175. We can keep Skype on.Copy !req
176. Carry me over to your bed.Copy !req
177. - Is she a friend from college?Copy !req
178. - We were in school together.Copy !req
179. But, uh, she's in Trinity
as well. It's Marianne.Copy !req
180. She knew Rob,
our friend who died.Copy !req
181. But, um...Copy !req
182. she's away this year,
like I said.Copy !req
183. You're awake.Copy !req
184. - Morning.Copy !req
185. - Is she someone you might talk
with about how you're feeling?Copy !req
186. - She's been supportive about it.Copy !req
187. And she's, um...Copy !req
188. She's hard to describe,
if you don't know her.Copy !req
189. She's, um...Copy !req
190. she's really smart.Copy !req
191. She's a lot smarter than me.Copy !req
192. We, we see the world
in a similar way. And, uh...Copy !req
193. we've lived our life
in the same place.Copy !req
194. So obviously, it's, um...Copy !req
195. It's a bit different
being away from her.Copy !req
196. - It sounds difficult.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
197. I don't really click
with a lot of people.Copy !req
198. I, I struggle with that,
actually.Copy !req
199. - Do you think that's
a new problem?Copy !req
200. Or is it familiar to you?Copy !req
201. - Mm.Copy !req
202. It's, uh, familiar.Copy !req
203. I would say, um...Copy !req
204. in school,
I definitely felt thatCopy !req
205. feeling of isolation
or whatever. But, um...Copy !req
206. People seem to like me.
Everything, and...Copy !req
207. here, I don't think that, uh...Copy !req
208. people like me that much.Copy !req
209. Uh, like Rob,
my friend who, uh...Copy !req
210. um, I wouldn't say
that we clickedCopy !req
211. on a very deep level
or anything.Copy !req
212. But, um, we were friends.Copy !req
213. And, uh...Copy !req
214. I wouldn't say that
we had a lot in commonCopy !req
215. in terms of interests
or anything like that.Copy !req
216. Definitely not politically,Copy !req
217. if we ever really
examined that. But, um...Copy !req
218. That stuff didn't
really matter in school.Copy !req
219. 'Cause we were,
we were in the sameCopy !req
220. group of friends,
so, you know?Copy !req
221. - I understand that.Copy !req
222. - And, uh, he... he did
some stuff that I, uh...Copy !req
223. I wouldn't have been a fan of,
in terms of, like with girls.Copy !req
224. But, uh...Copy !req
225. We were 18, you know.
We just, uh...Copy !req
226. we acted like idiots, and, uh...Copy !req
227. I think...Copy !req
228. I felt a bit alienated
with that stuff.Copy !req
229. And, uh...Copy !req
230. I think—
I think I thought if I...Copy !req
231. moved here...Copy !req
232. I'd fit in better.Copy !req
233. I thought, um...Copy !req
234. I'd meet more like-minded people
but that just hasn't...Copy !req
235. um...Copy !req
236. I left Carricklea thinking
I could have a different life.Copy !req
237. But I...
I hate it here and...Copy !req
238. I can never go back.Copy !req
239. Because those friendships
are gone, and...Copy !req
240. and Rob is gone and I,
I can't see him again.Copy !req
241. I can't get that life back.Copy !req
242. I'm sorry.
(heavy breath)Copy !req
243. - You don't need to apologize.Copy !req
244. She sounds nice.Copy !req
245. - Yeah.
- Sounds good.Copy !req
246. - Yeah.Copy !req
247. - Well done, Niall.Copy !req
248. How do you feel now?Copy !req
249. - Uh, okay.Copy !req
250. Just, um...Copy !req
251. Flat, I guess.Copy !req
252. - Mm.Copy !req
253. - What?Copy !req
254. - Do you ever feel...Copy !req
255. I don't know.Copy !req
256. Angry?Copy !req
257. - Uh, about?Copy !req
258. - About Rob.Copy !req
259. After the funeral,
did you feel angry?Copy !req
260. - With him?
- No.Copy !req
261. No, geez, no.Copy !req
262. I know that's... that
people feel that when someone...Copy !req
263. I couldn't get off Facebook.Copy !req
264. Everyone kept
commenting on his wall.Copy !req
265. - Yeah.
- Like, it made me furious.Copy !req
266. Like, what do they mean?Copy !req
267. All these people,
like advertising
their loss like that.Copy !req
268. And who's it for?
Not Rob, obviously.Copy !req
269. And, like,
what's the etiquette there?Copy !req
270. Should I be liking every comment
on his wall?Copy !req
271. - Well, it sounds like you've
worked through that anger.Copy !req
272. - (scoffs)
No.Copy !req
273. Of course, people can grieve
how they want.Copy !req
274. Sorry.
- I get it.Copy !req
275. It feels a bit pointless.Copy !req
276. - Yeah, I think that's it.Copy !req
277. And everyone
kept talking about...Copy !req
278. what a great person he was.Copy !req
279. How full of life, what
a devoted son, and I get it.Copy !req
280. But what, was that him?Copy !req
281. - No.Copy !req
282. He was insecure.Copy !req
283. Obsessed with being liked.Copy !req
284. I mean, I know I can talk.
But...Copy !req
285. I miss you.Copy !req
286. - I miss you, too, Connell.Copy !req