Norm Macdonald Live 3x9

1. - Nine eight seven six

2. five four— - Seriously?

3. - Three two— - Every number?

4. Wow.

5. - He co-created the greatest

6. sitcom of all time. - Thanks.

7. - Seinfeld.

8. He created the greatest digital thing

9. of all time, Comedians in Cars.

10. - Thank you.

11. - Who drink coffee.

12. And he is with us for the full hour.

13. - That's a Larry King—

14. - Of course it's Larry King, yeah.

15. Of course it's Larry King.

16. Did you never take from your predecessors?

17. - Sure. - Who?

18. - I don't use the word take.

19. We prefer influence. - Influence.

20. - Yeah.

21. - I saw this guy, 'cause when I was reading in Rolling Stone

22. they go my god we were

23. greatly influenced by Gatemouth Brown.

24. So when I was doing standup right?

25. And next door there was a basement that said

26. tonight Gatemouth Brown so I go down

27. there's about eight people in the audience,

28. the guy's the greatest guitarist I've ever seen in my life

29. so I talk to him later I go you know

30. about The Rolling Stones really said you influenced them

31. he was like...

32. But you know they didn't give him no money or—

33. - Why should they give him money?

34. - Well 'cause he influenced them.

35. - I know but if you're the greatest guitarist of all time

36. make your own money.

37. - Now so influenced you?

38. Who was your greatest— - Larry King.

39. Here's what I miss about Larry King.

40. - Yes.

41. - It's just there.

42. It's nine o'clock, you look at your watch, it's there

43. and you don't particularly want to see Larry King.

44. - No.

45. - But the dots, I felt the black with those colored dots

46. it made a very nice, here's the key to TV.

47. You want the key?

48. - The background.

49. - That's right.

50. The place.

51. People like TV is a place medium.

52. If people like the place, they like the show.

53. Who, the people are not as important as the place.

54. This is my theory of TV.

55. It's also my theory of why sports are so popular on TV.

56. Because it's just an airy, open, outside environment

57. that looks nice on your wall.

58. That's my theory.

59. That's just some of the stuff I've got.

60. I've got more.

61. - So who was your serious influence in comedy?

62. - Mine? - Yeah.

63. - Robert Klein.

64. I took everything from Robert Klein.

65. - He was the guy when you were starting.

66. - Well it was just he was that first guy that you saw,

67. hey this guy's kind of like me you know?

68. And that's what you need to get you going.

69. What, who did you see that went

70. hey I'm kind of like that, maybe I could do that?

71. - I don't know. - Nobody?

72. Were there comedians in Canada when you were a kid?

73. - Well American comedians yeah.

74. - You must have seen somebody.

75. - I love Bob Hope.

76. I thought he was the greatest comedian ever.

77. - I think Bill Cosby's the biggest comedian of all time.

78. - Oh do ya? - Yeah.

79. - Yeah.

80. - I don't think anyone will ever match

81. his production and quality of material.

82. Do you like Bill Cosby? - I love Bill Cosby.

83. - Yeah, did you listen to those records when you were a kid?

84. - Sure, we went and saw him, you know I had

85. maybe the greatest Bill Cosby story ever.

86. - Really?

87. - And now it's not in the top 10,000.

88. Because I'll tell people the story.

89. - Right.

90. - And then I'll constantly be interrupted by

91. and then did he rape you?

92. He didn't ever rape me.

93. It had nothing to do with the story.

94. - How much are you bothered by the fact that this comedian

95. who you really thought was great

96. turns out to be this person doing horrible things?

97. Are you able, do you separate his work from the person?

98. Does it taint it at all?

99. - Not at all. - Not at...

100. - Because listen, listen.

101. Suppose—

102. - Well there's nothing else for me to do but listen.

103. - I don't know nothing about these old fellers,

104. but you hear hey...

105. Beethoven. - Yeah.

106. - Raped his own daughter.

107. - He did?

108. - Well let's say he did. - Okay.

109. - Would you give a good goddamn?

110. Would you give a rat's ass?

111. - Yeah I would, that's pretty bad.

112. Pick a different crime, different crime.

113. - Okay.

114. - Knocked over a liquor store let's say.

115. - Here's something he was guilty of

116. that a lot of people don't know.

117. He was deaf. - Yeah.

118. - Now that's not a crime. - No.

119. - But it's true.

120. - Yeah but that doesn't affect,

121. that makes that advances it. - Makes it even better.

122. - It does.

123. - I don't understand that.

124. See I think if he could hear, his music would be better.

125. - Yeah probably would.

126. - Did you ever, what about these comedians

127. that have some goddamn horrible affliction

128. and then come up and talk to you?

129. Do you ever have that happen to you?

130. - On stage or in life? - No offstage.

131. Some multiple sclerosis or muscular dystrophy

132. something like that, and then they roll over to you

133. and then and...

134. Makes you feel— - It's not easy.

135. - Uncomfortable and it hurts timing.

136. It's a hell of a thing huh?

137. But when you get a guy close to you like that.

138. - Yeah, I don't excel

139. in those type situations.

140. And I feel very bad about myself.

141. - Sure.

142. - Maybe more than any other time

143. is when I'm dealing with someone with an affliction

144. and I'm not sure what I'm supposed,

145. like if you're walking the sidewalk

146. and there's somebody coming the other way in a wheelchair

147. do you have a look or do you no I'm gonna act normal.

148. I'm sure he wants me to act normal.

149. How do you, what do you do?

150. - Well I try to, I look at the guy

151. and I hope to god my face

152. isn't making all kinds of twitches.

153. - I like to hedge my bets.

154. I don't want to ignore him so I'll look at him

155. but I'll like scowl or something.

156. - Really? - You know?

157. - That's the same joke. - Oh is it?

158. - Yeah.

159. You can't do the same joke twice.

160. That's a comedy rule right there.

161. Just shattered.

162. - But he does have a question for you.

163. - Great. - I did.

164. - My trusty sidekick Adam Eget by the way

165. who runs the world famous comedy circuit

166. chooses the comics.

167. - So how do you manage to do this at the same time?

168. You must have chose a bunch of them in advance

169. and then you make the trip.

170. Now are we telling the audience

171. this is your first Norm Macdonald Live in New York?

172. - Yeah.

173. - So we have the fancy skyline backdrop.

174. - Yeah. - Yeah it's great.

175. - And this fella. - Yeah.

176. - Did you ever work at the Comedy Store?

177. - No, they, Mitzi didn't like me.

178. - What?

179. - She didn't care for me.

180. - That's what I wanted to know about.

181. I wanted to hear about your history with the Store.

182. I was there a few months ago

183. and you popped in with Sebastian.

184. I think it was your first time on stage there since 19—

185. - Sebastian. - 79 or something?

186. - Yes. - Mancow.

187. What's his name? - It's Maniscalo.

188. - That's it, you got it. - Yeah Mancow.

189. Sometimes he just goes by that by itself.

190. So you had a question though.

191. - Yeah I wanted to hear a little bit

192. about your history with the Store and Mitzi in particular.

193. - Well look not everybody hits it off.

194. - Right.

195. - You know and we just didn't hit it off.

196. I was a very independent fellow in those days.

197. A lot of comedians as you know

198. have that broken wing bird thing about them

199. and I was not one of those people, still not.

200. - Not damaged.

201. - No, not the damaged type.

202. - You're a bird on a wire and right?

203. - Yeah I'm the eagle, yeah.

204. And even when I was young I had that attitude.

205. - Yeah and you're the eagle and if you see a bird

206. with a wing— - Broken wing.

207. - Boom, you're on 'em right?

208. - So anyway.

209. - He ain't gonna be doing sets.

210. - No, so I remember I had a meeting with her

211. and I asked how come, you know—

212. - Where are you in your career at this?

213. - I was just a few years in but I was pretty good.

214. I came out from New York and I auditioned there

215. and I did well and then I put in for spots as you do

216. and I didn't, I would get like one spot in Westwood

217. and then, and I kept putting in and putting in and no spots

218. and I asked her for a meeting

219. and she told me didn't care for my attitude.

220. - Your attitude on stage?

221. - No maybe I think as a person.

222. - Oh your attitude off stage.

223. - Yeah. - Oh.

224. - Yeah, and that's fine.

225. Everyone's entitled to that. - Yeah sure.

226. - It was one of the greatest benefits to my career

227. of anything that ever happened to me

228. 'cause it made me very angry and very hardworking.

229. - Yeah motivated. - Yeah I got very motivated

230. after that, I thought oh so I come out to LA

231. to perform at the Comedy Store every night.

232. That's why I moved there.

233. - Right, much like a breakup or something

234. where just you want revenge almost, yeah.

235. - Yeah.

236. - He jumped off the hotel next door.

237. - And survived? - Yeah.

238. - That was— - That's a great story.

239. - Yeah. - Yeah.

240. - Do you remember that guy's name?

241. - Yeah, Gary Mule Deer.

242. Something like that, no I don't remember his name

243. but you'd remember his name.

244. - Steve Lubetkin.

245. - Steve Lubetkin, great guy

246. and a good friend of Richard Lewis.

247. - Really?

248. - Yeah I think so. - Yeah.

249. - Now who were you, now when I say Richard Lewis

250. it was like you didn't even know him.

251. Who were your contemporaries?

252. - Well my contemporaries were Larry Miller, Paul Reiser,

253. Jimmy Brogan, Jay Leno was a few years ahead of me

254. but we became friends when I came out to LA.

255. Those were the guys, I don't know

256. how big the generations are in comedy—

257. - Mark Schiff?

258. - Mark Schiff, do you remember him?

259. - Sure.

260. - He's still around, we still work together.

261. - Barry Marder?

262. - Barry Marder, yep.

263. - He's a funny guy. - Yeah, funny guy.

264. - I saw Jimmy Brogan one time

265. and he was like you, he wouldn't curse.

266. - Right.

267. - And heckled mercilessly at the Laugh Factory

268. and so the guy was like you fucking cocksucker

269. and he's like very nice sir, yeah, very good yes.

270. Do you talk to your mother like that?

271. You why don't you suck my cock you fucker?

272. Very nice yeah, good, good for you then.

273. - That's a funny way to handle that isn't it?

274. - Good for you then. - Good for you then.

275. - It was kind of nice.

276. He wouldn't break down you know?

277. He wouldn't lower himself and sometimes when I was a little,

278. sometimes when I was a little blue on stage

279. and then afterwards I'd just try to avoid Jimmy.

280. Because he'd seek me out and go you know you're a funny guy.

281. You got some good jokes.

282. You don't have to do that.

283. - That's a funny impression.

284. Well the reason I'm here is 'cause I like the show.

285. - Well that's very kind of you.

286. - And I feel that you've really got something good here

287. that I hope you stay with it.

288. - So you fly in from Los Angeles to New York City

289. and you know now they have funny things

290. that they tell you.

291. - Did we just switch into David Brenner's act?

292. - A little bit.

293. No we're actually going to, we're going to talk

294. about your act because they say in the funny Virgin thing

295. and they say for those of you, I don't know

296. if you've heard this but they'll go

297. for those of you who've never used

298. a seatbelt here's how it works.

299. - Right.

300. - And I'm like well that used to be

301. a joke of Jerry Seinfeld's.

302. - That's right.

303. - And now here it's a, they've—

304. - They've worked it in.

305. Well we call that influence.

306. Yeah I've influenced them.

307. My joke was in case you haven't been in a car since 1966.

308. - Right.

309. - Here's how the seatbelt works.

310. - Now you could do a joke about them taking your joke.

311. - Yeah.

312. One could.

313. - Yeah in case you haven't been

314. on a Virgin Atlantic flight in the last year,

315. and heard this announcement.

316. - Right.

317. You seem to do a good bit of traveling.

318. I looked at your schedule.

319. - Well I do standup.

320. - Yeah.

321. And how do you like being out and about?

322. - Well I like doing standup

323. because it's the only thing I do that's any good.

324. When you— - That's not true.

325. You're good at this.

326. - Oh well yeah, but I mean I'm talking about acting.

327. When you were on, when you did Seinfeld you cast people.

328. And when you casted people and many of them were standups

329. did you find that they were awful actors for the most part?

330. - Awful. - Yeah.

331. - Because they didn't need, they didn't have the need.

332. To be a good actor you have to have a survival,

333. like if I don't do this well I'm not eating,

334. or I have no career.

335. Standups always feel like you know

336. I'm on tonight I don't need, you know.

337. - I remember when I took three acting classes

338. and I always had way more money than everybody else

339. 'cause I had standup and they were

340. washing dishes and stuff like that.

341. - If you could have had any kind of career,

342. if you could just had a magic wand

343. and just and I'm sure when you came down from Canada you had

344. you imagined wonderful things

345. that could possibly happen to you.

346. What would be those things if you

347. could have done anything in show business?

348. - Oh in show business.

349. - In show business, what would

350. you have wanted your career to be?

351. Not that it hasn't been great,

352. but did you have thoughts of being

353. a movie star or a sitcom star?

354. - No, I only wanted to do standup comedy

355. and you know as I was looking back

356. I saw that people always had one foot in the door,

357. you know even like I remember I just wanted to be

358. on David Letterman and then I was on David Letterman

359. I said well that's fine and good and that's enough.

360. - You did a sitcom of some kind didn't you?

361. They tried...

362. - Yeah they threw me on something.

363. And then I figured well Jerry Seinfeld can do it,

364. you know I just surround myself with actors

365. and maybe I just smirk a lot and maybe I'd get through it.

366. - That's what I did.

367. - And background I thought a lot about that you know?

368. - Background acting?

369. - No no no I would watch the background actors

370. and you know what I'd notice?

371. They would talk at the same time to each other.

372. - Right.

373. - So I'm kind of OCD about that now.

374. I always stare at the background actors.

375. You had an amazing,

376. now explain how you got your show

377. because it was different.

378. You were under the aegis of late night at the time.

379. - That's correct.

380. - Because perhaps you would have filled in

381. had Mr. Carson departed—

382. - No no that wasn't it.

383. - Oh that wasn't it?

384. - No.

385. - Well what late night show would you possibly be up for?

386. - It was just the guy who was in charge

387. of the late night department

388. was the only guy who liked the pilot that we made.

389. - Oh, this was Rick Ludwin?

390. - Yeah, he liked it.

391. Nobody else saw any potential in it.

392. - So when you did the show in the summer

393. you had less network interference—

394. - None, nobody even came by.

395. - Incredible luck.

396. - Yeah incredible luck.

397. - Do you ever look at the fluke that,

398. that is,

399. or do you think that doesn't exist as much?

400. Do you think it's hard work more?

401. - I think that...

402. I think that it's a...

403. If you really want to be funny

404. and you don't really care what the consequences are

405. but you want to do this thing that you think is funny

406. and you have a good sense of that,

407. that's what makes or breaks it.

408. Like Larry and I together had a very solid idea

409. of what we would not do and—

410. - But what about when they gave you notes?

411. - They didn't. - Wow.

412. - They didn't.

413. Because it was a late night department.

414. Nobody gives, there's no notes on Johnny Carson.

415. - But then, so you have the most successful show ever

416. and then you would think people

417. the executives would go well this is what we'll do now.

418. We'll find a great standup comic,

419. we'll find his friend,

420. and we'll put them together and let them write a show.

421. - That was The Honeymooners.

422. That's what The Honeymooners was.

423. - Yeah you see those old shows it was just one or two names.

424. - Yeah!

425. - But what about, why didn't they do that since yours?

426. - They did.

427. They're doing it now.

428. - What was the name of that program?

429. - Every comic you've ever met.

430. - Oh no they have shows,

431. but I mean they're noted to death though.

432. - Well, you have to do something during the day

433. if you're a network executive.

434. You can't just sit there.

435. - But how do you say no to the notes?

436. - Well that's where Larry was great.

437. Larry was fantastic.

438. When there ever was suggestions from anyone,

439. he got a violently hostile

440. and I don't really have that ability but he did

441. and he protected the concept of the show

442. whenever it came under and he attacked.

443. - And he had that on—

444. - I give him full, all the credit for that what?

445. - He had a reputation for being like that

446. on stage as well right?

447. Dealing with hecklers and stuff like that.

448. - Yeah, Larry is a free man you know?

449. Not unlike yourself.

450. It's your great gift and charm is

451. we can see that no one's going to tell you what to do

452. and we love people like that.

453. - And then of course Larry David

454. went on to do his own show, Curb Your Enthusiasm.

455. What do you make of that show?

456. - But to answer your question was it a fluke?

457. Yeah there's always luck, but when

458. you don't care if the people are attractive, you know?

459. If you and I sit in a room and they say

460. we're going to send in five people to play this part

461. how hard is it for you and I to go

462. well that's the funny guy right there.

463. How hard is that?

464. - That's very simple.

465. - It's very simple, but 'cause we're comics

466. and we like breathe this air.

467. - What do you think of that phrase likable

468. that they often use?

469. - I don't, I think it's just a word

470. that people that don't know anything about it would use.

471. I think it has something—

472. - I think if a person is funny, they're instantly likable.

473. - Of course.

474. Plus you don't really need to like them to laugh anyway.

475. We want to laugh, that's, here's the great story.

476. We're reading for the part of Kramer

477. and they schlep in whatever it is and

478. we're sitting there with the president of the network

479. and these guys come in, it's like three, four guys.

480. Michael comes in and Michael blows the room away.

481. We're crying you know?

482. And the network president turns to me and says well

483. if you want funny.

484. And I just looked at him like,

485. I don't even know what that means!

486. What else do we have?

487. If we're not funny what are we

488. even doing in front of the camera?

489. - How did you get your job?

490. - Yeah so that's their, they don't,

491. so here's what they should do.

492. Forget about the get a great comedian and his friend.

493. Make two comedians in charge,

494. put them in charge of the show.

495. Now here's the problem with that.

496. Comedians don't want to work.

497. - They don't.

498. - No they don't want to work and sitcoms are a lot of work.

499. Anything's a lot of work, but sitcoms are a ton of work.

500. You know cranking out a 50 page script in three days.

501. That's hard ass work and how many comedians have you met

502. that would, that you would say are industrious individuals?

503. - 10?

504. - 10!

505. I couldn't name 10.

506. - Ray Romano.

507. - Yeah Ray Romano for sure, myself.

508. - Larry David.

509. - Yeah Larry David.

510. - Now Larry David goes on and he does Curb Your Enthusiasm.

511. What do you think of that? - I love it.

512. It's great.

513. - And how is it different than Seinfeld?

514. - Well they, it's a whole,

515. he created another place.

516. What does, sometimes we call the universe.

517. He's got the good universe, you know?

518. When Larry's show comes on

519. you're like yeah I like this place.

520. I want to be there, it's like

521. the mansion in Beverly Hillbillies.

522. - Now Larry, I don't know this

523. but they say it's improvisational?

524. - Yeah.

525. - So the, why not just write it out and,

526. why just make it up?

527. - Well that one, when you have Larry on the show

528. I think this is a great line of questioning

529. but I don't, that's what Larry's style.

530. - You wouldn't do it.

531. - I would never do that, no.

532. I'm not interested in what actors think you should say.

533. - Right, but do you think this?

534. Let's say there's a scene on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

535. It's Larry David, John Farley,

536. and somebody else and they're told to show up

537. at a bowling alley and do something

538. and don't you think Larry comes in

539. with some jokes in his head?

540. Is it all improvising from Larry?

541. - Well I think he knows what the scene's about,

542. why it's a funny scene and that is 90%

543. of good sitcom writing is why are we even doing the scene?

544. If you can answer that question with a funny sentence,

545. you're on the right track.

546. If the answer is well so he can meet the mother in law

547. and then find out, no, that's not funny.

548. There's got to be a reason in the scene

549. that it's funny that we're even here.

550. This is something we learned over the years.

551. We didn't know, Larry and I didn't know anything

552. at the beginning but we learned over the years

553. if like if you can answer that question,

554. why are they in this bowling alley?

555. What's the reason?

556. It better be something funny.

557. And then the jokes will sit on that,

558. but if it's well it'll be funny when, no.

559. - Now you're sort of a technical master of jokes.

560. - I love jokes and I love to disassemble

561. and assemble them, yes.

562. - And also the sitcoms you're able to solve that haiku also.

563. - Oh after a while we figured out

564. what worked on our show, yes.

565. - And have you ever considered publishing a book

566. that tells all that, a how to book?

567. - No but I have considered some way to pass along

568. what I have accumulated.

569. I don't really know how to do it.

570. Do you have any ideas?

571. - Well perhaps you could executive produce a show

572. with Sebastian Mancow as the star?

573. - I could do that, yeah.

574. - And, and—

575. - But what fun is that though?

576. Where's the fun part for me?

577. - Oh no there's no fun for you.

578. - There's no fun for me.

579. - No that's true.

580. It's well, but what's the fun for you

581. in giving a homeless guy a handful of quarters

582. and watching him dodge in and out of traffic?

583. No but I...

584. I'm saying that—

585. - That question answers itself.

586. - I was saying there's fun in,

587. maybe not fun but you obviously

588. want to give back everything, no?

589. - I didn't take anything. - That's true.

590. - I earned it. - Yeah that's true.

591. - Right? - That's true.

592. Do you think there's a God or?

593. - I think there's something

594. that makes good people, makes good things

595. happen to good people in the most general sense.

596. Obviously bad things happen to good people,

597. good things happen to bad people but I think in general

598. if you're a good hearted person, a generous person,

599. a kind person, things will go better for you

600. and I think that's kind of

601. the cash register of the universe.

602. If that's God, okay, but I don't think of a guy.

603. People like they gave you that guy idea, the old guy.

604. - Sure, well why yeah how would we know his nature?

605. But when I look into your eyes though...

606. I'm not joking.

607. - It's just I've never had a talk show host say that to me.

608. - When I look into your eyes I see—

609. - And I've done hundreds of talk shows.

610. - I see an eternal being.

611. - Thank you Norm.

612. What a lovely thing to say.

613. - So do you think there is such a thing?

614. - As what, as a supreme being?

615. - No an eternal being.

616. - I think we all are.

617. - Oh I do too.

618. - I think we're all in different chapters

619. of an endless story.

620. - I think so too.

621. - Well there you go.

622. - That went down, Michael Richards,

623. this was before the catastrophe.

624. - Yeah.

625. - And he said I'm going to go across the country.

626. He would walk on stage and fall and hit,

627. funniest thing I've ever seen

628. and then he'd start talking about the Bible

629. and then he said to me he goes

630. I'm going to go around the country.

631. Do you think a man could live inside a whale?

632. I go I don't, you shouldn't start talking.

633. - I never knew that you had such a flare for impressions.

634. They're really, really good impressions.

635. - I don't do impressions but I—

636. - And the Jimmy Brogan, I've never seen

637. anybody do Jimmy Brogan.

638. That was great, I loved the Jimmy Brogan.

639. - I just interviewed Rich Little.

640. - Really? - Yes.

641. And the only guy I can really do is Richard Nixon.

642. - Well that's, you're already,

643. yeah I see that.

644. - But I can do an exact Richard Nixon.

645. - Okay.

646. - And it's, I can only do one thing.

647. - Okay.

648. - But he's being interviewed by David Frost.

649. - Right.

650. - And you know they made a movie

651. where they pretended David Frost—

652. - Yes, Frost Nixon.

653. - But in the real tapes, Nixon won you know, clearly.

654. But anyways, it was very funny 'cause Nixon would use

655. the ridiculousness of Watergate against his interlocutor.

656. - Right.

657. - And so at one point David Frost says,

658. says now when Howard Hunt and G. Gordon Liddy

659. broke into the, the Watergate Hotel

660. they were wearing wigs and listening devices

661. and Richard Nixon goes well, I suppose you could say

662. they were wearing listening devices

663. or perhaps you'd call them hearing devices, and wigs.

664. So that's the only, only thing I can do of him.

665. - That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.

666. - Look at that big sign.

667. - Wow. - What do you think of that?

668. - Before we go to the break.

669. One more question. - Yes sir.

670. - If you were Michael Richards and you

671. were in that situation—

672. - That word, that word.

673. - If you said those things,

674. what would you have done next?

675. - Well I think what he did was

676. panic and start pretending he was Lenny Bruce.

677. Like you know 'cause he said that word and everything

678. and then he said that word, that word,

679. it still has power!

680. - Oh he did.

681. - Yes he did the—

682. - But no I mean after the incident itself.

683. - Oh I would move to Idaho.

684. Ketchum, Idaho.

685. - Okay.

686. That's where Hemingway blew his brains out, by the way.

687. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

688. Poor old papa.

689. - This is what I, we were talking before the show began

690. and I told you I was reading these George Burns things,

691. I like to read pages of books, of his writing.

692. - He has a compilation of George Burns writing.

693. - Yeah, well they're all the books that he did,

694. it's all put in one giant book

695. so I loved having that book in my office

696. and I just love that everybody's just trying to,

697. in the end, you know make a few dollars

698. with whatever little schtick they have, right?

699. Everybody goes hey I got a little schtick

700. and maybe I can get by with that

701. and that's like an eternal show business,

702. what would you call it?

703. - Paradigm.

704. - Yeah, I don't think that's the right word.

705. - That's precisely the word.

706. - People say paradigm so I'll say—

707. - That's precisely the right word.

708. You can check the Oxford English dictionary.

709. But...

710. - Are you gonna, just will you do me one favor?

711. - Yes sir.

712. - If when you do go to break,

713. are you going to go to break?

714. - I think so.

715. - Just please say we'll be right back after this.

716. - We will be right back

717. after these important messages.

718. We'll be right back after this.

719. Yeah we can do jokes.

720. - Did you do any research before you had me on?

721. - About you? - Yeah.

722. - My whole life has been research on you.

723. No don't you know everything about every comic?

724. - Yeah.

725. - Back.

726. Jerry Seinfeld.

727. Talking about Rodney Dangerfield

728. and we were just speaking about how

729. anachronistic it was that he lived with us

730. and also did you not find...

731. That you know the way that,

732. now you're a very respectful of the audience

733. and you don't fuck around.

734. You entertain the audience.

735. - I do sir.

736. - And some people, some comics are seem to have no

737. regard for that.

738. - That's their prerogative.

739. - Right.

740. Mr. Dangerfield, what I liked about him

741. and it was kind of a throwback to Benny and Hope

742. and all those guys is he had the greatest jokes,

743. but he not only had the greatest jokes,

744. he talked funny and he looked funny

745. and he moved funny and thought must have been

746. behind every one of those actions, you know?

747. And did you ever think of doing that?

748. Did that ever occur to you to physicalize?

749. I think the only guy I can think of is Brian Regan

750. off the top of my head that has great jokes

751. and a funny voice and—

752. - And Sebastian Mancow.

753. - Sure.

754. - Also has some wonderful physicality.

755. I think he's maybe one of the

756. best physical comedians I've ever seen

757. that's also a great standup.

758. There were guys like Charlie Callas

759. who they would sell the joke with that

760. you know and they would do funny physical things

761. but the act really wasn't much.

762. So now you have a guy who can move funny

763. and has great stuff, that's a powerhouse.

764. - Yeah, you were talking with Dangerfields in New York

765. on the break, during the break.

766. And you—

767. - The whole show is the break, by the way.

768. - You described it as a,

769. a fly or some Robert Frostian phrase you used.

770. - I went into Dangerfield's the other night

771. to take the stage and perform and kind of see

772. what the place was like these days

773. and it's like a frozen in time place.

774. I said it was like a fly in a piece of amber.

775. - Like a fly in a piece of amber, how about that huh?

776. No I think that's beautiful.

777. - I'm glad you enjoyed that.

778. - Not mocking or anything.

779. - You know you have an eternal look in your eyes.

780. - Well we're all eternal beings aren't we?

781. And if we look at each other like that,

782. how could we ever turn down

783. a homeless person's request for something?

784. - I think you could, I could.

785. - You could huh?

786. - Yes, I don't think it's helping these people sometimes.

787. - You never walked past a homeless person

788. and they're begging you as a fellow human being

789. for something and you ignore them

790. and you maybe feel some evil bile come up—

791. - No sometimes I think if I

792. give this person money I'm kind of agreeing

793. that you can't get out of this situation.

794. - Well what if they can't?

795. - I don't know if they can or they can't, but I feel—

796. - I took a homeless guy into a restaurant

797. and I said instead of giving him money

798. I'll take you into a restaurant.

799. Boy was that a mistake.

800. Within five seconds the entire restaurant

801. smelled like excrement and urine and—

802. - Excrement and urine.

803. - Yeah.

804. - Oh that is the worst combination.

805. - Me and the homeless guy.

806. - So you're the excrement and he was the urine.

807. That's a great story.

808. - Bad, bad Vaudeville act

809. from the old days, you remember them?

810. Excrement and urine?

811. - Excrement and urine, horrible act, ugh.

812. - I went to Rodney Dangerfield's club

813. when it was in Century City in Los Angeles he opened one.

814. - Yeah.

815. - For a short time.

816. - Oh I didn't know that.

817. - Yeah, and so the comics would come up

818. and then after the comics came up he'd come up

819. and he'd be wearing his pajamas half the time.

820. And so he'd take questions from the audience

821. and it was funny 'cause most of the questions were jokes

822. but then suddenly he'd be honest.

823. So they'd go you know how's your doctor?

824. Are you kidding, Vinny Boombatz, you know?

825. You know, last week he said he had four cases of VD.

826. He's all right now, but it's like you know

827. how's your dating life going Rodney?

828. Are you kidding, you know?

829. I says when I saw him one time

830. it was the day he got married.

831. He stopped at the Improv to do a set.

832. His wife was in a wedding dress,

833. and he introduced he said—

834. - Come on!

835. - Yeah he said now give her a hand,

836. she got married all right okay?

837. And the woman stands up in a fucking wedding dress

838. and everyone claps and then he goes she's no prize.

839. He goes,

840. he goes she says we have so much in common

841. I said I don't like to suck dick

842. and now she sits down, it was her wedding day.

843. But anyways so I see Rodney and he's taking questions

844. from the audience and so they ask him about his doctor

845. so he says Vinny Boombatz, says he's doing,

846. asks about his kids oh nothing, no respect at all.

847. He says one guy says when are you gonna do your next movie?

848. You tell me you cocksucker motherfuckers.

849. Everybody's like what?

850. Motherfuckers won't give me a movie.

851. Have to fucking Harry Bayes, are you kidding me?

852. - Another terrific impression, fantastic.

853. - And so anyways,

854. he told Fred Stoller you take too many liberties

855. with the audience, all right kid?

856. So that's what I like about him,

857. you take no liberties with the—

858. - What does that mean?

859. - It means this punk attitude of just going up

860. and playing, playing for the back of the room

861. or deciding not to shave or you know whatever,

862. just no regard for the audience.

863. - Well that's the way that George Burns influence on

864. that we talked about earlier is

865. I kind of like the old values.

866. - And I say it to you because by god

867. if you go on YouTube and you see Hope and Benny

868. and they're men by god and they're wearing suits

869. and they have complete command of the audience

870. and they're 30 years old, 35 years old!

871. My god, and this is what you had and still have.

872. - Well thank you very much.

873. Well Burns started smoking cigars

874. to look that part when he was a kid.

875. That's why he started with the cigars.

876. - As a kid! - As a kid.

877. He thought if I had a cigar I would look more adult.

878. - Oh that's interesting.

879. My god I told you before the show

880. I was going to because you know so much about George Burns

881. I was going to tell you this joke

882. that I heard George Burns tell

883. and I simply don't understand it.

884. When I was a boy you know there'd be the funny papers

885. and there'd be a you know Marmaduke or something

886. and I wouldn't understand it.

887. At the end I'd go what, huh?

888. And so I'd take it to my parents

889. I'd go what the fuck's this with Marmaduke?

890. It doesn't make any sense and my dad

891. would go what I don't know.

892. The fuck difference does, so but it really bothered me

893. that you know that for some reason

894. it didn't play out right, but anyways

895. this was the joke by George Burns

896. that he said was his favorite joke of all time.

897. Okay so here it is, maybe you've heard it.

898. There's a Vaudeville act

899. and they're two guys and they're in a bar

900. and they see their comedic hero sitting at the bar you know?

901. So they walk up to him they go my god,

902. it's so great to see you.

903. You know it's such a pleasure.

904. He says fellas, it's not a good time.

905. I just lost my wife this morning

906. and the Vaudeville guy goes oh we know how you feel.

907. We lost our trunk on the way here.

908. And now are you laughing at me or are you laughing—

909. - No, I get the joke.

910. - You get that?

911. - Okay well let me explain something to you

912. that perhaps you may have missed.

913. There's no reason you would ever know it.

914. When you're in Vaudeville the trunk is your whole life.

915. - That's where all the props and everything are.

916. - All the props, all your costumes, all your makeup.

917. If you have no trunk you cannot do your act.

918. - Oh!

919. - So, so it's an inside show business joke.

920. Like for example I'm Jewish and I like,

921. here's one like this is the greatest Jew joke

922. that I've ever heard and I love.

923. You're not gonna get it.

924. - Okay. - Okay?

925. But that's the joke is that you won't get it.

926. - He's Jewish.

927. - Oh you're Jewish? - Yeah.

928. - Okay then you'll get it. - Oh okay.

929. - Okay. - Half Jewish.

930. - No I'm full. - Full Jewish.

931. - Full Jewish, all right then,

932. but you're young so you might not get it.

933. - Maybe.

934. - Okay so here's the joke.

935. - Holocaust denier.

936. - I'm not gonna hold that against you.

937. - Thank you.

938. - So here's the joke.

939. Now to, the setup of the joke is it's a Jew joke.

940. - Okay.

941. - Two Gentile businessmen meet on the street.

942. One of them says how's business?

943. The other one says great!

944. See he gets it.

945. He really got it, he really liked it.

946. So the joke is about who doesn't get it.

947. Go back to the trunk joke.

948. That's part of what makes the joke funny.

949. - Is me not getting it.

950. - Certain people, a lot of people not getting it.

951. You know, you understand that.

952. - Same with this Jewish joke.

953. - Same with the Jewish joke, and then you saw it happen

954. right there in front of you.

955. He's Jewish, he gets it, and you're not, you don't.

956. - But I don't believe he got it.

957. - Oh yeah he got it, he got it.

958. - Can we find out? - Yeah.

959. Tell Norm why that's funny.

960. - Because it's two Jews and how's business?

961. Great!

962. - Well that's, that's what he said.

963. - No it's two Gentile businessmen.

964. - Oh yeah I don't get this joke.

965. - That's what's funny.

966. - I knew he didn't get it.

967. I go he's probably fake laughing.

968. So it's two Gentiles.

969. - Right.

970. - One of them says how's business?

971. - Yeah, the other one says great!

972. And the joke is—

973. - Does anyone get that in the audience?

974. No one in the audience gets it except perhaps Daniel—

975. - Well it's not gonna be great if it's Gentiles.

976. - If it's two Jews, then that is

977. never going to be the answer.

978. - 'Cause they're going to be—

979. - No matter how business it, they're all,

980. they're gonna complain—

981. - It'll be a fucking 20 minute reasons about—

982. - You just fucking said it two seconds after he says it.

983. Isn't that interesting?

984. And here I am—

985. - You liked the joke though.

986. - Yes I do like it!

987. - It's a funny joke, I like the joke.

988. - And I understand what you mean about me not getting it

989. adds to the joke. - Yeah!

990. How do you do with non comedy guests?

991. Do you have guests that are not comedians?

992. - I had Larry King.

993. - How was that?

994. - He has a god shaped hole in his heart

995. that I tried to fill, but I said

996. what do you think about afterlife?

997. Dirt!

998. - Dirt nap.

999. - Dirt.

1000. - How much do you make doing this?

1001. - You know zero, not making a cent.

1002. - Come on!

1003. You gotta get something.

1004. - I think these fellows do over here.

1005. - No comedian shows up anywhere for nothing.

1006. - Ah I'm a Gentile.

1007. Now there's questions, there's questions

1008. that came from the Twitterverse

1009. or whatever you want to call it.

1010. - All right.

1011. - Do you want to hear them?

1012. - What else could we do with them but hear them?

1013. - Sometimes secretly want to play a dramatic role.

1014. Have you ever seen a guy—

1015. - No stop stop stop, stop.

1016. - But you've seen comics and— - Yes!

1017. - They're on a show and they're a guy

1018. that's soft in the head huh?

1019. - Yeah.

1020. This is from Twitter?

1021. I'm much more interested in you.

1022. That's a regular person.

1023. - Okay okay, but what do you think of that?

1024. Like I've seen Burrow and—

1025. - I feel sorry for them.

1026. - Do you feel, that's not how I feel.

1027. I think you maybe agree with this.

1028. To be a comic actor, so rare isn't it?

1029. - You mean comic slash actor?

1030. - No a comic actor like my favorite movie—

1031. - John Ritter?

1032. - My favorite movie, yes like John Ritter.

1033. My favorite movie is Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

1034. because I love John Candy in it so much

1035. and to be a comic— - 'Cause he's Canadian.

1036. - Yeah, but to be a comic actor is so rare

1037. and to be a dramatic actor is so common

1038. that why would a great comic actor

1039. want to be a— - 1,000%, 1,000%!

1040. I thought this when I was a kid

1041. starting out in the business.

1042. In my twenties, why would somebody ask you

1043. would you ever do a dramatic role?

1044. I go they got people for that.

1045. They got millions of people for that.

1046. Let those people do it.

1047. The greatest thing in the world is a funny guy.

1048. It just, it relieves the burden of life.

1049. - Did you like that movie, that Preston Sturges film?

1050. - It's my favorite movie.

1051. - Sort of encapsulates it. - Sullivan's travels.

1052. - Oh is that your favorite movie?

1053. - It's the greatest movie of all,

1054. well The Graduate's my favorite movie to watch as a movie,

1055. but for what it's about—

1056. - But what Sullivan's Travels is,

1057. exactly what you're talking about.

1058. - Yes, exactly.

1059. - Exactly what you're talking about.

1060. - How about you?

1061. - I love Sullivan's Travels 'cause it surprised me.

1062. I didn't expect it.

1063. - Right, what surprises you about me?

1064. - What surprises—

1065. - You about me?

1066. - You mean just during this interview?

1067. - Just in general.

1068. - You seem kind.

1069. - That's surprising?

1070. - Uh-huh.

1071. Because I would think you were cold.

1072. - Right.

1073. - And yet you're warm.

1074. - Oh thank you.

1075. - And in your eyes, I always go by eyes.

1076. I always go by eyes.

1077. - You should!

1078. What if someone's blind though?

1079. - It's not sexual, it's not only sexual.

1080. - What if someone's blind?

1081. - My dad knew a blind man and my dad was in the war.

1082. You know he was a double generation older than I.

1083. You know he had me when he was 50,

1084. so he was in— - That explains a lot.

1085. - He was in the great one,

1086. and all his friends were. - Right.

1087. - And so...

1088. - Wayne Gretzky?

1089. - He had a...

1090. - That's a good joke.

1091. - So he had a blind friend and he'd come over

1092. and my dad said do you want a Coke, Elmer?

1093. RC Cola, well goddamn.

1094. We don't got no RC Cola, Coca Cola the gold standard.

1095. And this blind bastard wants an RC,

1096. so I go down the ave and pick up an RC,

1097. well that's about a mile and a half walk.

1098. - Right.

1099. - So I walk with this blind son of a bitch

1100. and he says to me, he wants me to describe everything

1101. so I said okay well on the left there's some cows lowing

1102. and you know there's a fence.

1103. He goes is it like a wood that's near petrified?

1104. I said yes it is.

1105. How big is it?

1106. Three feet.

1107. I said John Neal Magerish used to own these land.

1108. He said I don't want to hear that.

1109. He says just tell me what is,

1110. and so all of a sudden

1111. I saw things

1112. as they were.

1113. I was very young, but I'll never forget that.

1114. 'Cause I had to see for this blind man, I had to see

1115. and describe not my opinions you know?

1116. So when I went by John Neal Magerish's house

1117. a half a quarter later,

1118. I didn't mention John Neal or anything

1119. I just described the house.

1120. - Right.

1121. - 'Cause that's all he wanted to see,

1122. and then I began to realize

1123. that life is what is, not what you think it is

1124. or not even what it appears to be sometimes.

1125. But I think you would agree that your life or my life

1126. is just a series of facts, a series of incidents.

1127. It's not what you dream or hope

1128. or believe, it's what you do.

1129. - I would say the exact opposite.

1130. - What do you think it is?

1131. - First of all, you mean to tell me

1132. this does not end with we suddenly realized

1133. why the hell are we getting this

1134. blind man a different brand?

1135. That's not the punchline?

1136. - Oh no there's no punchline.

1137. - Oh my god, I thought I was being,

1138. did you see a million miles away!

1139. - 1,000%.

1140. - Why are we getting a different brand Coke for a blind man?

1141. That's not where we're going?

1142. - Well he didn't,

1143. his sense of taste was,

1144. he doesn't drink it through his eyes.

1145. - I guarantee you you could fool a blind person

1146. with an off brand Coke,

1147. but anyway let's go back to your question.

1148. Is life the facts or is it what we think it is.

1149. And I would, to me the facts are somewhat irrelevant

1150. and what you dream, hope, imagine is the reality.

1151. Our life is the perfect testament to that

1152. because everything we are is only because we imagined it.

1153. - Yes but you imagined it into being

1154. and so the being is what's important.

1155. - Yeah, no no no because the imagined—

1156. - What if you just sit at home

1157. and imagine things in your chair?

1158. Is, are you just a person sitting on a chair

1159. or are you, what is in your mind,

1160. the imaginings of your soul?

1161. - You're the imaginings.

1162. The real world is not this.

1163. These are props.

1164. This is the trunk, the act is in here.

1165. - Is this the real world?

1166. - If you were really funny you would have poked me like Moe.

1167. - I mean there's a reason that we don't

1168. look at each other in the chest.

1169. Isn't there?

1170. - Yeah, but we take notice of the chest.

1171. We look in the eyes, but we also look around.

1172. - Oh you like a chesty lady right?

1173. - Oh god, what else have you got there?

1174. What else you got there?

1175. - Now here is Seinfeld right?

1176. The show Seinfeld, this is my question.

1177. - Great.

1178. - You would use terms, you call me an old chunk of coal,

1179. but yet if there was a loose woman on the show

1180. she'd be Mae West and not Madonna or Britney Spears.

1181. George says the handsome mirror

1182. makes him look like Robert Wagner

1183. and not Matt Damon or somebody like that.

1184. - Yeah.

1185. - So you were purposely picking

1186. iconic figures from the past.

1187. - Well, yes.

1188. We thought they were funny names,

1189. funny references.

1190. There was one reference actually, ah damn it

1191. the name escapes me now that Larry put in

1192. that was really funny.

1193. It wasn't Gig Young but it was somebody like that.

1194. What do you think your— - Gig Young?

1195. - From Twilight Zone?

1196. - Yeah he—

1197. - Oh didn't he kill himself and his wife or some shit?

1198. - Oh maybe.

1199. I think that was Marcus Welby.

1200. - No from when he went back in time right?

1201. Is that the one?

1202. - You mean in real life he killed himself and his wife?

1203. - He went back in time.

1204. Yeah I think so in real life, in Hollywood.

1205. - Nobody wants to hear that.

1206. - Well I'm sorry.

1207. - Well that's an, a really really arcane

1208. item that you focused on there.

1209. - What's that?

1210. - The name references that were old.

1211. - In your opinion what stops the 99%

1212. from coming over to the 1% taking what you got?

1213. - I've often pondered this.

1214. Why when they came up with this idea

1215. of complete independence and freedom

1216. and everybody will make what they make

1217. and we'll all just live together.

1218. The rich and the poor.

1219. Didn't somebody think well why wouldn't

1220. you just club 'em over the head if they...

1221. - But it's like the Arab Spring you know?

1222. - Mhmm oh what a disappointment that turned out to be.

1223. - It turned out bad, but then I think well you know,

1224. same thing in England.

1225. Why don't they just get 20 rugby players

1226. to storm Buckingham Palace and take all their money?

1227. The queen has a lot of money.

1228. - But the rugby players have even more money.

1229. - Well no I shouldn't have said rugby players.

1230. Hooligans. - Yeah soccer hooligans.

1231. - Oh hooligans, the soccer hooligans.

1232. - Yeah hooligans.

1233. - Because I'll tell you why, because people

1234. in the end love order and rectitude.

1235. Like dogs, they know they cannot survive without the pack.

1236. - What's next for Jerry Seinfeld?

1237. - We'll find out

1238. after this? - No.

1239. - Oh.

1240. - You're a young man.

1241. - I'm 62.

1242. - What? - Really?

1243. - 62.

1244. - Look how look he is.

1245. - Yeah.

1246. - Looks a lot better than me and I'm 68.

1247. - But you and I hope the same is true of me

1248. only benefit from the,

1249. the mellowing of the wine.

1250. This is the great, one of the great comedic secret weapons

1251. is as you become older and even a little more crankier

1252. and out of it, it's good for your,

1253. it's good for what you do right?

1254. - Should be.

1255. - Don't you love seeing an old cranky comic?

1256. - Yeah Super Dave Osborne is probably one of my favorite—

1257. - Yeah!

1258. - I was going on Conan you know?

1259. I was trying to think of my set

1260. and he phoned me up you know?

1261. I'm in New York on the street.

1262. I'm on my way to Conan and he goes what do you got?

1263. So I'm telling him my jokes, he goes forget that.

1264. He goes get a red pompadour.

1265. He goes go out with a red pompadour.

1266. Sit beside Conan, look at him for five minutes,

1267. don't say anything.

1268. He'll go crazy I go red pompadour?

1269. - Then you said all right, I'm gonna get a blonde pompadour.

1270. Here hold on, talk to my, and then he handed me the phone

1271. and I was like yeah he's gonna get a blonde pompadour

1272. he was like who, I don't know—

1273. - The story's over. - Oh sorry.

1274. - Our guest for the entire hour

1275. has been the great Jerry Seinfeld, it's been a delight.

1276. - Thank you Norm, the pleasure was mine, thank you Adam.

1277. - That was great.

1278. - It was really fun.

1279. - It was dream-like.

1280. - How fast did that go?

1281. - I found it dream-like.

1282. - Me too.

1283. It's a wonderful thing.

1284. - Yeah, something beautiful about this one.

1285. I'm not joking, I'm not being ironic.

1286. - No I, I really loved it too, it was great.

1287. - Oh that's great.

1288. Too bad this guy was here. - Yeah.

1289. - I think, I think—

1290. - I just want to talk about Preston Sturges more.

1291. - The biped joke will go down in history

1292. as the most obscure.

1293. - Who did you meet having coffee?

1294. - Tony Fields daughter.

1295. - Oh my lord.

1296. - How about that? - Oh my god.

1297. - I was excited!

1298. You have no idea who that is.

1299. - No.

1300. - And is she a biped or?

1301. I don't know which side of the family she takes after.

1302. You know what—

1303. - That's a great joke that only I get.