Norm Macdonald Live 3x8

1. - Guys?

2. Norm?

3. Where the hell is everybody?

4. He said to be here at three o'clock.

5. What's this?

6. Oh, it's a note, to me.

7. - Dear Adam,

8. It is with great regret and sorrow

9. that I am writing you.

10. I had to elope with my new girlfriend

11. because I wanted to avoid the inevitable

12. screaming match with you about how you

13. are eternally single and how we made that pact

14. all those years ago to die alone.

15. But I've been finding real love with Guinevere.

16. She is so nice.

17. But I knew that you would never approve of her

18. because of all her piercings and her tattoos

19. and her tight motorcycle clothes.

20. And her opinion that I share that the Holocaust

21. did in fact actually happen.

22. But it is not only the passion, Adam.

23. You see, she's pregnant.

24. Guinevere said that we would be very happy.

25. She owns a trailer in the woods

26. and has a stack of firewood the whole winter.

27. We share a dream of having many, many children.

28. All with odd jobs like a wheelman

29. for bank robbers, an astronaut,

30. maybe the first black female

31. to ever walk on the moon.

32. Oh, yeah, Guinevere is black.

33. She has opened my eyes to the fact

34. that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

35. So we'll be growing it for ourselves.

36. And trading it with the other people

37. in the commune for all the cocaine

38. and ecstasy we want.

39. Obviously we couldn't tell you about this,

40. seeing as you're a degenerate drug addict.

41. But don't worry, Adam.

42. I know how to take care of myself.

43. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit,

44. so you can get to work for our many grandchildren.

45. Love, your hero, Norm.

46. P.S. Adam, none of the above is true.

47. I only wrote this letter to give

48. the sex traffickers enough time to arrive

49. at the studio and retrieve you.

50. I was just writing you this letter to distract

51. you and my guess with your simple mind

52. is that it worked.

53. So once you put this letter down,

54. you'll be kidnapped and shipped to Bulgaria.

55. Where you will be a cum slave

56. for Bulgarian royalty,

57. and I, I Norm McDonald, will be $50 richer.

58. - No, what the hell?

59. No, guys, wait, hold on.

60. Please, let's talk about this.

61. No, damn, oh, shit, son of a—

62. God damn it.

63. Ah!

64. - Why did they say it looked more like a round?

65. What did they say to Kenya?

66. How many people are going,

67. I think I'm going to Poland

68. and looked like a kidney.

69. - Yeah.

70. - The have a pancreas shaped one,

71. you know, that's where you're stage IV,

72. you wanna put your feet in that.

73. - It's filled with urine.

74. - Urine?

75. - You would think if it's a kidney.

76. - Yes, a kidney shape, yeah.

77. - Yeah.

78. - You have a little dialysis machine

79. where the hot tub would be.

80. You know, you just kind of clear filter that kidney.

81. - Do you know Adam Egat?

82. - Yes, Adam, how are you?

83. - Good to see you again.

84. - Is it offensive when I do you to you?

85. - No, you do it nice.

86. - It's exaggerated.

87. - It depends, like some people—

88. - All my impressions are nice.

89. Like who?

90. - Some people, like Frank Caliendo.

91. - Oh.

92. - He puts a comment in there.

93. He's like

94. - See, I don't, I don't, yeah I don't see that.

95. - He's like, I have a, you don't need a punchline,

96. just say crack whore.

97. I'm like that's more of a comment, really.

98. - Well, I used to do that.

99. 'Cause I saw you on Conan once,

100. and you did say crack whore and midgets several times.

101. - Yeah.

102. - So then I did do a thing, full confession,

103. I did Norm MacDonald as an alarm clock.

104. And it was like, wake up.

105. Hey, wake up, there.

106. There's a crack whore and a midget in your bed.

107. So I just thought that was really funny, right?

108. - What about the other impressions you do?

109. They're the better ones.

110. - I don't do you a lot.

111. - Did you read the book by Bombastic Bushkin?

112. - I did not.

113. - You didn't?

114. - Is that weird?

115. I liked him on Johnny.

116. And the only reason I liked Johnny

117. is because it was the only time on SNL

118. where I didn't push at all.

119. - Uh-huh.

120. - Because I knew it was funnier...

121. It was too funny in the moment to laugh at,

122. but I knew it would resonate for a long time.

123. - To do it cold.

124. - And I just, when you did Johnny,

125. you just think kind of that, you know,

126. charm of laid back, for those of you who don't know.

127. That kind of thing.

128. - Yeah.

129. - I did not know that.

130. - I did not know that.

131. - For those of you at home,

132. you're watching a thing called a television.

133. You know how he included everybody?

134. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

135. Do you find that people, like sometimes with impressions,

136. people, somebody will crack it and then,

137. like everybody now when they do Carson goes

138. I did not know that, well it was you that—

139. - But I probably was influenced by Rich Little.

140. - Rich Little never said that.

141. We interviewed Rich Little.

142. - Oh and he did not say that?

143. - He said he never said I did not do that.

144. - Yeah, no, that was mine.

145. - He also said that doing Bob Hope was impossible,

146. but then you know Dave Thomas did it,

147. and then everybody—

148. - Right, yeah, I never tried Bob Hope.

149. But I did, but I did not know that.

150. - You didn't know that?

151. - Is that weird, is that wild?

152. - You were just saying, well I'll do them again,

153. in becoming Bond, right?

154. - Yeah, there's a documentary where the guy

155. who quit the Bond, what was his name?

156. - Lazenby?

157. - Yeah, Lazenby. - George Lazenby.

158. - Announced it on the Tonight Show,

159. so they wanted me to reenact it.

160. So I came in as myself now, playing Carson talking to him,

161. and did it totally straight.

162. So I understand, are you serious,

163. you're not gonna do any bars, is that right?

164. So when you get into the rhythm of that,

165. it's a fun place to be with Johnny.

166. When I do you it's kind of dark.

167. - He smoked so much, he had to like,

168. - I know.

169. - Smoke in between, - You'd catch him at the end.

170. Nicotine is a nasty one.

171. - Well it ended up killing him.

172. - But he had good genes, he made it to 80, didn't he?

173. A chain smoker that makes it to 80,

174. that's a cardiovascular surgeon's dream.

175. - And he was a happy man.

176. - Mmhmm, sure.

177. I couldn't know, I was blacklisted from the show.

178. It's an exclusive here.

179. - It's because of the Arsenio.

180. - No, he liked Arsenio.

181. They're making fun of Arsenio and us.

182. They're making fun of him as much as they are of us.

183. But toward the end, Leno told me

184. last time I ran into Leno, he goes,

185. Johnny was just walking down the hall,

186. and just yelling out,

187. "They're making fun of me now, it's time to go!"

188. Because there was one that I really didn't want to do

189. and I didn't write,

190. that was a little mean that made him kind of senile.

191. - Yeah, I remember that one.

192. - That went on and that was the one.

193. He didn't know if Susan Day,

194. he didn't know the Partridge Family was off the air.

195. - Where Ed would go old reference,

196. less younger, diverse.

197. - Yeah, and then they had Chris Rock play Arsenio,

198. and it was kinda like,

199. So your ratings have gone up and ours have gone down?

200. I didn't know that.

201. And then I couldn't get on the show

202. and I felt bad about it.

203. - I remember a monologue you did once, after that,

204. you said, did you hear they're working

205. on a comedy version of Saturday Night Live?

206. - Did you hear that? - Wouldn't surprise me.

207. But here's the thing is that everybody,

208. - Is it weird to have Johnny Carson angry at you,

209. or not liking you?

210. - Well, yeah, it felt weird.

211. It felt bad.

212. - Because he liked you when you went there.

213. - Yeah, I got all the greatest hit montage.

214. Things got a little wild with Dana Garney,

215. he just went off one night, you know the

216. year-end anniversary show.

217. So yeah, I love Johnny,

218. but you know, you hurt people's feelings, and I don't know.

219. - Yeah, with impressions?

220. - You can.

221. I don't really, it's not really my intent,

222. but probably I should do more of that.

223. I'm not in vogue, I'm too nice.

224. I'm like, he's a nice guy.

225. Mark Maron goes, I don't buy it.

226. He says I don't buy the nice guy thing.

227. I go no, I'm passive aggressive, of course.

228. And very competitive.

229. You've schooled me a couple times.

230. - What?

231. - Nah we did Bob Dole and George Bush senior.

232. And you were great as Bob Dole.

233. - And I always said with George Bush senior

234. because I remember watching Reagan, you know,

235. and George Bush was the vice president,

236. and I said by god, what if he becomes president,

237. there's absolutely no impression there,

238. you can't do it at all.

239. You kinda made yours up from scratch.

240. - Totally made it up, the whole first year

241. it was just I'm George Bush.

242. I'd make sure I could say the name,

243. if you can't do an impression just say the name

244. before you do it, I'm George Bush senior,

245. then you're good.

246. And eventually one night sitting with

247. Senator Al Franken, I just, the hook of,

248. well, that thing out there in that whole area

249. and then we were off.

250. And then Downey I think was the one who came up with

251. - Who played George Bush before you.

252. - Yeah he did, yeah.

253. And he helped with a lot of the rhythms, he's brilliant.

254. I love Jim, not gonna do it.

255. - There's also those guys

256. that give you a little hook, huh?

257. - Well I had Al was on the left

258. and Jim was on the right.

259. So there was a real balance to it.

260. - Do you want to explain to the viewers at home?

261. - Left and right?

262. - No, Jim and Al.

263. - Well Al Franken, they're both Harvard guys.

264. Jim Downey is not a United States Senator.

265. Other than that, they're identical twins.

266. But Jim Downey was one of the original writers

267. on the David Letterman show,

268. he's just kind of been floating along comedy.

269. I just saw him like a few months ago,

270. when Bill Murray just did the Chicago Cubs

271. little schtick on SNL.

272. So I got to see Jim backstage.

273. He just had a big imprint in American comedy, Jim Downey.

274. And obviously Al Franken.

275. But we know him, and we wrote a lot of stuff with Jim.

276. - And your biggest writing partner was Smigel.

277. - After a few years, yeah.

278. Because I was the one who came in,

279. weird and wild stuff, you know how I could do that,

280. and he's like, oh my god.

281. And I was really into Regis,

282. because he was on at 9am, my wife and I would get up,

283. anyway, you ready for this, you're terrific.

284. If you've never seen stand-up like Norm MacDonald

285. you're in for a treat,

286. believe me, he puts his pedal to the metal and he just goes.

287. - The thing I loved most about Regis

288. was when he'd walk backstage, - Totally.

289. He'd go, anyway, he's out of control!

290. I couldn't get a table, Tom Brokaw gets a seat upfront,

291. I've got nowhere to sit.

292. But anyway, they're terrific people, they're wonderful.

293. I know, that's the best!

294. To you that's a comedian who's seen,

295. that's where you're happy.

296. You get the laugh with the explosion,

297. the little throwaway when you're happy.

298. - But it always ends too

299. that he had her explain it to his crowd

300. which was all middle-aged.

301. But he wanted to make sure he wasn't serious

302. about Bernadette Peters eating.

303. - Right, anyway. - Wrinkles does it too, right?

304. - Well wrinkles really walks it back.

305. - But they wanted to call his book, I'm Out of Control.

306. - I'm out of control!

307. - I'm out of control,

308. but then he goes, I never actually said that,

309. It was Dan Agani who said I'm out of control.

310. It's a theme with my name getting butchered.

311. Norm MacWhonald?

312. Did you ever in your early stand up days,

313. I guess Norm MacDonald is pretty clear.

314. - I don't want to get in trouble

315. with tax and stuff because there's Mac and Mc.

316. So people just assume one is correct.

317. - Well it's Mac, right? - Yeah.

318. - My mom's maiden name.

319. So I'm a quarter MacDonald.

320. - Oh, you are? - I'm Scottish.

321. Hey brother, hey brother.

322. - Yeah, bro. - What's up, brother?

323. - Yeah, baby. - Love the Scots.

324. - Do you feel that you have white privilege?

325. - I, umm, I'm not allowed

326. to answer those questions, you know,

327. being an old white guy with extra money.

328. - Your great special that's on Netflix now

329. that everybody should watch is called?

330. - Straight White Male, 60.

331. - Yeah, so you labeled yourself in there.

332. - Well I thought, I just, that's what I was.

333. Because my Irish nephew came out,

334. was at an acting school in LA.

335. - He came out? - He came out from Dublin.

336. And he's a super innocent guy and everything.

337. - We all kind of knew, but

338. - And he wanted to get a scholarship but on the board

339. it said "straight white males need not apply."

340. - Wow. - And he was from Ireland.

341. He was like, I can't believe it,

342. they're not gonna allow me, I can't.

343. He didn't realize I was a cisgender, all this stuff.

344. So when I was working on it

345. I was kind of doing some standup with my kids,

346. and they're millennials.

347. And we're going through names,

348. and my son who's 12, he goes, I would click on that.

349. Straight White Male, 60, I would click on that.

350. But the only review I read of my special,

351. and you kids can look it up.

352. But I think I was referenced as racist at least ten times.

353. Even the bit I did about Irish people flying an airplane.

354. And they didn't reference the edgiest joke

355. I've ever done, and I don't even know why I did it.

356. Imagine to my SNL fans, so here was the joke.

357. Well there was one, do you want two of them?

358. - Sure, yeah.

359. - This is the one that they didn't want me to use.

360. Let's see, what was it.

361. Oh yeah, so I'm a straight white male and I know

362. I'm probably racist, sexist, xenophobic,

363. homophobic, all that, you know.

364. And I get it, my answers did some nasty stuff.

365. I mean they raped, pillaged, plundered,

366. took over countries, enslaved people,

367. but you gotta admit, they were busy.

368. You get the biggest laugh out of Norm.

369. But that was buried in the special

370. so the guy never quoted that line, yeah.

371. And the other one they didn't like was this one,

372. you know people, you know it when you meet a nice person.

373. I was in the South, touring.

374. And I asked the guy where we could eat.

375. And he goes, you fellas,

376. you know he was just a super nice guy from South Carolina,

377. you fellas need somethin' to eat?

378. Take a right down there and you'll see Joe's Diner.

379. Or you can come up my house,

380. I got some peach cobbler,

381. I looked at him and said we're not going to your house,

382. you sick fuck!

383. And that one, they didn't like that one.

384. - Because it was against Southerners?

385. - I don't know why,

386. I shouldn't be allowed in a standup club

387. because I'm a sketch player and I have, luckily,

388. these greatest hits.

389. - No wait, you're a stand-up.

390. - Every time I see you all you do is kill.

391. - But people remember me from sketches

392. and if I play, like when I did my special,

393. my first impulse which I said to the producer John,

394. who was a great guy, and he was gonna do it for me,

395. I said I gotta play in a small room.

396. And I gotta play to people who don't know who I am.

397. 'Cause then I ended up in a big room

398. with people who were really nice, but they're like cheering,

399. saying Garth, Garth!

400. And it's a good problem to have,

401. but they don't want me going "you sick fuck."

402. You can feel the whole theater just go,

403. ugh, not him, not the Disney face.

404. It's a little older but it's still a Disney face.

405. - Well why do you think that works

406. for someone like Sagat?

407. - Because Sagat plays off his,

408. it's like if he went on and said, I can't do impressions.

409. Sagat, his whole act is saying I'm not a clean guy,

410. I'm a dirty guy, right?

411. That's the whole joke, that's the hilarious joke.

412. - It's very Bob.

413. I kind of appreciated it,

414. the idea that anyone would get onstage

415. and find someone in the audience

416. and say that if you had sex with a goat,

417. this is what your dick would look like.

418. And it's ten minutes long.

419. And I thought, okay.

420. No one else is doing that.

421. But when I play the Comedy Store and I'm with young comics,

422. and the audience is kinda young, that's really fun.

423. Because I'm just this weird old guy.

424. Doing, like I do Jeff Bridges now.

425. Because he always sounds like he's eaten too much

426. and his belt's too tight.

427. Well I'm just gonna get a little bit of snack

428. before we do our next take here.

429. I just had a hindquarters

430. of a blank angus deer and my belt's a little bit tight.

431. Before that I got the footlong because I like that jingle,

432. I should have got the six inch.

433. You know he's from Malibu, you know?

434. But after True Grit he goes,

435. I'm just gonna kinda keep this persona ridin' through.

436. - There appear to be two different types of impersonators.

437. The funny ones, and the ones that aren't funny at all.

438. Like first instance Rich Little may be

439. the best impersonator of all time, but never.

440. - He wasn't going for the joke as much as the reality

441. - He's not funny at all. - And he would sing and stuff.

442. - And even impressions on SNL,

443. I remember when Harry Shearer did Tom Snyder

444. it was like perfect, but not funny.

445. And Aykroyd's was hilarious but not really very accurate.

446. - Right, where I came from the comedy clubs

447. where your survival was dependent on destroying.

448. You must kill, always, and you had to follow people.

449. - Can you imagine Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster,

450. - I remember him in that, Tough Guys, yeah.

451. What was that, '86?

452. - No no no, forget about that.

453. Imagine them, - He's gonna set me up here.

454. They were in my '96 special, at the end.

455. Because I did the movie with them and hung out a lot.

456. - Here's a big trick with Dana,

457. - They always apologize.

458. - He'll go, aww folks, you don't wanna hear this one.

459. - But I don't really work blue, but I love language.

460. That so, the idea of these two guys being gay lovers

461. really made me laugh.

462. - Kirk Douglas, couldn't be straighter,

463. Burt Lancaster, gay but a macho icon.

464. - Yeah but very different movie star ways of speaking

465. and colloquial 1940s, so it's like them being gay is like,

466. I want you inside me, I need you,

467. and I want you know.

468. Slow down, stud.

469. Take it easy, I'm not going anywhere.

470. I'm yours now.

471. I want you, and I want all of you.

472. I don't want the hat, I want the stem.

473. Alright, slow down, son, I'm inside you now.

474. Don't keep buckin' around like that,

475. or else I'll have to pull out and splooge

476. all over your backside.

477. - You're no player - Oh yeah, don't keep

478. playing around like that, son.

479. Anyway, let's wrestle later,

480. come over to my house.

481. Doesn't mean we're gay, we're just men wrestlin.

482. I like to wrestle, and I like when you wrestle me.

483. Oh, I'm gonna wrestle you good.

484. You come over, no clothes, lots of oil,

485. Dan Agani will never have a career after this bit.

486. You can't do it in 2017.

487. You want to hear the greatest compliment I ever got?

488. Bill Hader said to me, the great Bill Hader

489. said he asked Lorne Michaels

490. what's the funniest think you've ever heard

491. in all these years of comedy?

492. And he said that.

493. - Wow, that bit? - That bit!

494. - That's so cool, you should tell him

495. to have lunch or something.

496. - I would do it, I'd like to do it.

497. That's another rhythm that you'd like to sit with,

498. a guy who talks like this.

499. Easy, son, you know I like it.

500. You do too.

501. I mean these rhythms are so much fun to do.

502. - They existed more in the old timey guys.

503. - Yeah, because they had the voice.

504. - Because my audience is older,

505. I just brought back Cary Grant.

506. Because I go, you know, he's the George Clooney of his time,

507. and he was lucky to be born when there were movies.

508. Because he had this incredible voice

509. and this incredibly handsome head.

510. What if he was born in 1820 in Prussia?

511. I can't believe it, I'm incredibly handsome,

512. I've got this amazing voice,

513. but all I can do is rake this fucking corn.

514. Comrade Grant, you keep on that corn, you mark my words,

515. some day they'll come up with some way to take my face

516. and blow it up on some kind of wall or somewhere!

517. So everybody can see how handsome I am,

518. and how my voice is so incredible.

519. But for now I've got to rake corn, born at the wrong time!

520. Yeah, just a fun thing.

521. - Now what if you did this,

522. you ever seen that movie with Burt Lancaster

523. called Sweet Smell of Success?

524. - Yes, with Jonie Curtis.

525. - Curtis becomes mean and says something mean.

526. And then this is what, you ask him a question.

527. I'm gonna give him the line.

528. - Okay, for Burt?

529. Yeah, okay, got it.

530. - And you'll see if I do the right reading?

531. Sweet Smell of Success, Jonie Curtis and Burt Lancaster.

532. We'll talk about other stuff though.

533. Talk about ourselves, um, I'm John Wayne.

534. I take comfort from John Wayne.

535. - How so, what do you mean?

536. - Because, not his, his character.

537. Because I have a fear of flying,

538. but he had no fear, and also he was angry

539. at the idea of fear.

540. So I would do a thing where you know, he's on

541. a submarine with Walter Brennan.

542. Like what are we doing, we're going down too low!

543. Well I said take her down.

544. Duke, we can't take the submarine down low,

545. we're all gonna die.

546. I said take her down, Pappy.

547. Don't make me do what I did last time.

548. No Duke, okay, we'll take it down!

549. And then we'd do,

550. I said attack!

551. But Duke, there's 10,000 Indians and only four of us.

552. I said attack, Pappy.

553. You'll attack when I tell ya.

554. Don't make me do what I did last time.

555. And then finally we would do John Wayne as the Pope.

556. I said you'll believe.

557. I'm agnostic, I'm not sure why we're here.

558. I said you'll believe, Pappy.

559. Don't make me do what I did last time.

560. - I'm so happy, it's perfect.

561. - You know you made that look pretty.

562. So you gotta say this as one word, that's the key.

563. - Four words as one word.

564. - Instead of this, Tovas.

565. - Okay got it, got it.

566. I'd hate to take a bite out of you, mister.

567. You're a cookie full of arsenic.

568. - Yeah, that's great. - Full of arsenic!

569. That's right, one word, full-of-arsenic!

570. So I did a six hour ad with Larry Bubbles Brown

571. about John Wayne and our admiration for him.

572. And then we had one six-hour one that maybe it's good,

573. I know, Larry was the greatest.

574. Alfred Hitchcock sexually harassing Tippi Hedren

575. on the set of the Birds.

576. Good afternoon, Tippi.

577. Oh Mr. Hitchcock, where is everybody?

578. They've gone home.

579. Well are we gonna rehearse lines, Mr. Hitchcock?

580. Not exactly, what I have in mind

581. is an entirely different sort of activity.

582. Oh okay, maybe we're gonna practice blocking?

583. Not exactly, other than that,

584. a certain orifice makes contact with a certain appendage.

585. What do you mean, Mr. Hitchcock?

586. So that became an example.

587. I don't know where else you do this

588. because I can't do what I want to do in standup.

589. It's too weird and tin-earred to the mob of standup.

590. So I have to do one of these,

591. because the only place I can,

592. - You can't be loose enough for that.

593. - Well to do Hitchcock in a big room, where there's drinks,

594. a big theater, you just can't connect to it.

595. - It could be polarizing, I guess, maybe?

596. - Because I do long things, I do long riffs

597. way longer than I would in standup.

598. Like I did Paul McCartney a lot and the Beatles

599. in their kind of halcyon sexual days.

600. You know a lot of time, I'd look and Ringo had no trousers

601. on, you know, and he's playing the drums

602. and he's got no trousers and he went out there,

603. and I look at John and he's got no trousers either.

604. Because he'd been doing Yoko in the back,

605. and it just goes on and on, you know.

606. You can't do that in standup.

607. - Sometimes and impression will become more and more

608. magnified until it bears no resemblance

609. to the original person at all.

610. - Oh totally, it's another one

611. - Like Lorne Michaels, like you invented that impression.

612. - Well no one was doing it when I got there.

613. - Later, Mike Myers - Everybody got it

614. - He made a fortune from it.

615. - He did a great Lorne, yeah.

616. Yeah well, you know, we all influence each other.

617. - Once it's out there, it's out there.

618. - It's fine, Wayne's World, you know

619. I'm still getting checks.

620. No, Mike and I are good.

621. - When I was a kid me and my brothers and friends

622. would just watch Rich Little and do whatever he did.

623. Because we didn't know who the guys were

624. but they were funny voices, you know?

625. - Well totally, I smuggled a little reel-to-reel

626. tape recorder into the Circle Star Theater

627. where I grew up, and taped Rich Little's show,

628. and then went home and studied his impression.

629. It takes energy to do an impression sometimes,

630. I guess it depends on the one.

631. I mean the one I was doing now, because I was watching

632. Rob's show, our friend Rob Schneider, on Netflix.

633. - And I just start,

634. come on, let's go, I just started doing him again,

635. I don't know why.

636. Norm, you're doing great, Jesus.

637. They're poisoning our water, take some vitamins, Jesus.

638. And I started appreciating Rob's rhythm.

639. - How long you been doing him, is this just new?

640. - I was just watching his show - Oh, you didn't do it before?

641. - Not really, and I just started,

642. so I've been, him and Jeff Bridges became a thing.

643. Well I just wonder,

644. no, you're eating too much, come on,

645. we gotta get home, Jesus, take some vitamins.

646. Well I just had some corn and some Slim Jims.

647. - Rob's goal is to have you eat like 800 vitamins a day.

648. - He's very health conscious,

649. but it's just a fun rhythm.

650. It's basically Peter Sellers but with a little twist on it.

651. Ohh, Rick, Rick,

652. help me, Rick!

653. When you lay it back, it's like,

654. come on, Norm, show's good, Jesus!

655. - Here's the thing about Peter Sellers, right?

656. He was interviewed, and he said, you know,

657. all his characters were based on Alec Guinness characters.

658. Except Being There. - Yes.

659. - And Being There, the Stan Laurel.

660. - Yes, that makes sense,

661. another fine mess you've got us into.

662. You want to hear a funny thing,

663. not funny, a dark thing about Peter Sellers?

664. Because I knew someone who knew him very close

665. and I don't think it's in any book or anywhere.

666. But I won't say who the source was,

667. but when he was out in England, or I guess Ireland,

668. he was living with his fifth wife,

669. and they had a menagerie, a lot of pets.

670. And she left and then he was there with his butler, Burt.

671. And he just said, Burt, Kid the Parakeet

672. was in the kitchen.

673. And Burt said, well no I didn't do that sir, fuck you.

674. I just gave Burt a voice.

675. Kid the Parakeet.

676. And he drove off to the estate.

677. - What are you, daft? - Yeah, are you daft?

678. Good good man, what you suggest is nothing short of madness,

679. you offend God himself.

680. Which I always, I used to do a bit about that.

681. Good god man, have you lost control of your senses?

682. It's the 1890s, this science symposium in London.

683. You suggest that man was descended from a monkey?

684. This is blasphemy, good day to you, sir!

685. That's the thing, I don't go to dry cleaning,

686. we don't have it

687. - So Sellers demands the,

688. - He demands it and the guy leaves

689. and then he killed all the animals on the farm, one by one

690. Dogs, cats, - Wait, what?

691. - This is what I was told, am I gonna get sued?

692. I've already, I did a racial,

693. I've offended every human being

694. - No, it's a wonderful story.

695. - That's what I live for.

696. To amuse you is a high honor,

697. because of that Scottish IQ you've got.

698. We've got to come back and talk, you know.

699. - We intersected a lot.

700. Remember we talked for that day on a phone for an hour?

701. We're both kind of loners and reclusive.

702. - Yeah, we are a little bit.

703. We'll be back to talk about that.

704. But you were gonna tell us something about Anthony Hopkins?

705. - Oh it's just interesting,

706. I did a movie called Road to Welville.

707. - For those of you who don't know Anthony Hopkins,

708. - He won the Oscar - For Silence of the Lambs.

709. But before that, he was in the Road to Wellness

710. with Dana Carvey.

711. - Well the first time I intersected

712. with Anthony Hopkins live was at the Oscars.

713. It was the only time that I went, I faked sick the next year

714. because it was kind of too weird.

715. But Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were behind us,

716. my wife and I.

717. And so all night I was doing the joke of like,

718. when someone would get an award look around

719. and do the stand up and then get back down.

720. So Tom Cruise was doing it too, it was really funny,

721. like up and down.

722. So when Anthony Hopkins won, I did it

723. and then I looked and people saw, so I gave him

724. the standing ovation for Best Actor.

725. So then I did it and I was doing this movie with him,

726. just this really bizarre and weird guy,

727. but he was an impressionist like Sammy Davis Jr was.

728. Anthony Hopkins was an impressionist,

729. and he would do it and I was doing Jimmy Stewart,

730. and he would chase me and he would do Hannibal Lecter

731. and I would do Garth, running down the hall.

732. Like get away from me, you scary man,

733. come here, Garth.

734. So that was so entertaining for the backstage people.

735. Are they gonna do it, yeah they're doing it!

736. So we bonded because our fathers

737. were violent and sadistic,

738. so we became friends, really, I would consider it.

739. And then on the last day, eh said,

740. well he kind of sounds like Robin Williams a bit.

741. Why don't you come to my trailer for a bit of lunch?

742. Like really shy, and someone had booked

743. me to be on Entertainment Tonight.

744. So I was like, I gotta get out of Entertainment Tonight

745. because I'm gonna go have lunch.

746. But the woman cried, with my personality you know,

747. I'm an empath, so I did Entertainment Tonight.

748. So I didn't go up in his trailer,

749. and then later on someone said that I've done four movies

750. with Anthony, he's never invited an actor to his trailer.

751. - Oh god, shit.

752. - Well no, it was okay, it wasn't that sad.

753. What was he serving?

754. What would we have eaten, and I was on,

755. whatever it's called.

756. Mary Hart got to interview me.

757. Anyway, what were we saying?

758. What's your favorite movie of all time?

759. What's a movie that you love and would watch more than once?

760. - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

761. - Really, I always liked Goodfellas.

762. - This is another reason, like I like

763. when you put attitudes in characters, you know?

764. And I always liked that Jimmy Stewart

765. because it was sarcastic, especially that one

766. you did about the colorizing?

767. - Oh yeah, and the one about the dog named Blue.

768. This great, charming world-class actor

769. who would come on the Tonight Show and read sad poems.

770. - Everybody knows Johnny

771. - And Johnny would tear up.

772. - Well he wouldn't do it every time he'd come on.

773. - Well, not every time.

774. The part I liked about Jimmy Stewart which I never did

775. was the mad Jimmy Stewart, where you get down like this,

776. so this is what you're gonna do, huh?

777. You've got a little table and a microphone

778. and you think you can say anything you want, huh?

779. Is that your plan, Norm?

780. You put on a baseball cap, what are you, 10 years old?

781. You're not doing anything to help anybody here.

782. Tucked away in Culver City, no one knows where you are.

783. He gets into that rhythm and the fun rhythm is,

784. yeah, this is great!

785. Nice to see ya!

786. - But the sarcastic one.

787. - How did that sound?

788. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance?

789. - No no, your impression of when they colorized movies.

790. - Ahh, now they're colorizing films.

791. What are they gonna do next?

792. Put another story on the pyramids, now they're taller?

793. Were you on the Update desk when I did that

794. or you just remembered, I'm flattered.

795. - No, we didn't intersect,

796. but I used to watch it all the time.

797. And I used to say, no one killed harder than Dana

798. on that show, in my estimation.

799. - I pandered. - Well no,

800. you were funny too, though.

801. You were clearly enjoying yourself

802. which made them laugh more,

803. but it didn't seem fake.

804. - Well my goal was, when you start to be a comedian

805. usually you're in high school or college,

806. your friend has the car, all your friends

807. are in the car, no one's getting laid,

808. you're driving around the town.

809. And then all the sudden I'd be in the backseat

810. and get on a riff about the water polo coach,

811. or a Star Trek bit, and they'd all be stoned

812. by I wouldn't be and we'd just go for an hour.

813. It's always that barely controlled mayhem

814. that you don't know where it's going.

815. So when I would do the George Bush senior,

816. was the only time I had it in one,

817. so that I could play in between the lines.

818. Often I thought I'd be in trouble when I got off.

819. - Oh because you could do it, the in one.

820. In one means one person, not another actor.

821. - Because you can't ad lib on that show too much

822. because then the director wouldn't be on you.

823. But in a still shot, I knew I was gonna wave the arms,

824. but I didn't know how long.

825. So when the audience laughs at that, where it's nonverbal,

826. that's when they can really laugh hard.

827. Doing that thing, comin' at ya.

828. Going here, for her, down here, down here.

829. So that's my theory of standup.

830. - I've found as I grow older and watch TV or movies

831. that the only comedy that stands up, really is physical.

832. - Well I call it funny with the sound off.

833. You have to be able to lose the sound and it's still funny.

834. - Yeah, but try to get your kid to watch Charlie Chaplin

835. or anybody for that matter.

836. You know what I mean, with their devices?

837. - They can't watch black and white.

838. - They don't like black and white!

839. Which shocks me because I think every movie almost

840. would be better in black and white.

841. - Well they're like, dad wants to watch 2D.

842. I'll go in my 3-dimensional virtual reality pod,

843. and live Body Heat with Kathleen Turner.

844. Ever heard my impression of a 60 year-old man

845. having sex with a 19 year old?

846. A 60 year-old man, - He's 60?

847. - And he's having sex with a 19 year-old woman, this is it.

848. You're 19!

849. You're 19!

850. Wow, that's a pretty big laugh.

851. See I can't do that in my standup

852. because usually a man's sad, but I can do it at the store,

853. with millennials, you're 19!

854. You're 19!

855. Nothing better than that.

856. - Do your 60 year-old man masturbating.

857. - You're 19!

858. You're misdirecting me.

859. - You said Michael McKean?

860. - Oh, Michael Kaine in kindergarten.

861. - Before you do that, because I like Michael McKean so much.

862. - Michael McKean is brilliant, this is Michael Kaine.

863. - The brilliant Michael McKean in Better Call Saul,

864. so I started watching all his stuff

865. and then I watched Spinal Tap and there you were.

866. - Oh yeah, he was a mime!

867. - Unbelievable, how old were you?

868. - I was twenty, probably 27.

869. - And you did it at that old?

870. - Yeah, 26?

871. - Was it after SNL?

872. - Before SNL, yeah.

873. I had the same manager as Billy Crystal.

874. But I went in and met with him to play

875. the drummer and stuff.

876. And I met them all, and I walked into the office,

877. and I said this is so weird,

878. you guys are all friends and loose,

879. and I'm coming in and I'm really nervous.

880. And they said, well we'll just leave, then.

881. So they all got up like a Marx brothers move,

882. and just left, and then came back, you know?

883. And then I saw him on the set,

884. and my friend Kevin Pollack and I got possessed,

885. you know, it's one hire.

886. We did it forever, we just could not stop talking like that,

887. it's one hire.

888. But Michael Kaine.

889. - Michael Kaine in kindergarten.

890. - I like to eat paste.

891. - That's it, that's all you want to do.

892. You don't need any more, right?

893. You don't need any more impression.

894. - That might be the shortest, that's perfect.

895. - Did I do Dennis Miller as a coffee maker?

896. Bum bum, bum ba bum bum.

897. Christ sakes, I've got a cup of joe over here.

898. - The shortest was probably Gottfried.

899. - I love his, what was it?

900. - Bogey at the post office.

901. Stamps.

902. - I do Sean Connery being asked whether he would like

903. the vacation in Spain.

904. - Would you like me to ask you?

905. Sean, let me ask you this, Mr. Connery?

906. Would you like to vacation in Spain?

907. - Yesh.

908. - I've been doing these to amuse myself.

909. And I love Gilbert Gottfried, but these one-offs.

910. - But the shortest is where you can be the most,

911. like you're not gonna lose the impression as you go,

912. do you ever worry about that?

913. If you're in a longer sketch,

914. oh god, what if I drop the voice and fail?

915. - I tell my kids that all the time.

916. Because sometimes if there's too much space

917. between the jokes, a joke won't work,

918. but if you jump it.

919. Like if I'm doing a lot of quick impressions

920. and I have space, then Matthew McConaghey

921. as as a roller coaster operator wouldn't work.

922. Alrighty, ride ride ride.

923. But if there's space, then it's like, uhhh.

924. - Yeah, you should explain to the folks at home

925. why you're telling your sons that.

926. - Well, I'm mentoring them, they're a brother act now.

927. I'm mentoring them into stand-up and now

928. they do a brother act,

929. and they've been touring up in the Northwest,

930. and I was with them yesterday for two hours,

931. just going over and over again the basics of it.

932. And, dad, that bit didn't work.

933. I go, well probably too much air in between.

934. Some jokes, you have to jump 'em.

935. - Now as the brother act, they have different characters?

936. Like the Smother brothers?

937. - They're different, yeah.

938. - Dana liked you better?

939. - They have a lot of chemistry up there.

940. They're like Irish twins, you know?

941. - Well there hasn't been a duo for so long.

942. - They really didn't want to be

943. the brother who didn't make it, so that's why

944. they came together.

945. They're very close.

946. - It's amazing that only the Wayans have thought of that.

947. - There's advantages and disadvantages,

948. but there's great advantages to it.

949. There's a lot of modular,

950. there's a lot of things you can do, like mini sketches,

951. but they don't want to be a sketch act.

952. - Did you ever do sketch?

953. - Well I was doing it without knowing it.

954. I was playing honky tonk biker bars.

955. Show us your dick!

956. And I was doing just blue and loud

957. and then I played the Other Cafe, you ever play there?

958. Sixty seater, beer and wine and they hate Ashbury?

959. And then I, for the very first time

960. said I'm gonna be a character for 45 seconds.

961. That took me three years, to say I was gonna be a character.

962. There was no growlings, no UCB,

963. - But you're not performing with people, still.

964. - By myself, I'd never done sketch til I was

965. on my first night of SNL.

966. That was my first sketch.

967. - So wouldn't you tell your children,

968. if you want to be an actor, sketch is much better

969. than standup, right?

970. - Yeah, but if you can go even as a duo act,

971. if you can get on a platform and score

972. with any audience,

973. that's a great ticket for show business, for everything.

974. - Well you are, I think you're going off each other

975. rather than a traditional standup.

976. - Yeah, you can see the show if you see them,

977. but they're doing a career inside out.

978. They're on Twitch, this web platform,

979. they're launching their own network.

980. - Where can we find them?

981. - Well they're still incubating, I don't want

982. anyone to find them.

983. But they're gonna be on Twitch, if people know

984. what Twitch is, some time in the next week or so,

985. the Carvey Brother Network.

986. They have their own network!

987. What do we have?

988. Nothin, no one helped us, in my day!

989. - There's no place to fail anymore!

990. I have some questions but I didn't get a chance

991. to go over them.

992. - Well you can ask me anything.

993. - According to TV historians,

994. you are one of the only

995. three cast members of Saturday Night Live

996. who actually had a pretty good time while they were there.

997. Can you name the other two?

998. - Who had a good time over there?

999. There's empirical data on this?

1000. That had a good time on Saturday Night Live,

1001. without getting bitter and angry?

1002. Because all your friends call you on Monday,

1003. and if you weren't in the show much,

1004. they're fuckin' you man!

1005. You're getting fucked!

1006. It's a bitterness machine.

1007. - Well did you ever get too, like,

1008. well you were on at the height of when it was great, though.

1009. - Well not at the beginning.

1010. - I'd go like, why can't they write a good sketch?

1011. I could write it.

1012. But you know people, when they think something's bad,

1013. or maybe it is bad, but it doesn't mean

1014. they could do it better.

1015. But anyway, the answer is Janeane Garofalo.

1016. - Ha, I knew it was a trick question!

1017. I was lucky because I came with the bitch

1018. on the first show.

1019. You know I had the church lady in the very first show.

1020. - Oh wow. - First show.

1021. And it was the lask sketch on the practice show.

1022. And then it killed so hard it became the first sketch.

1023. - I remember people were,

1024. it was either you or Phil, but when you first started,

1025. because I was doing standup in Canada.

1026. And the whole cast had changed

1027. and suddenly it was a great show again out of nothing.

1028. And people were either seeing you or Phil,

1029. saying the other guy was great too.

1030. - Well I think, give Lorne credit

1031. or the people who picked the pieces.

1032. Because Lovitz had his rhythms and his world,

1033. Phil had his thing, I had my thing,

1034. it's like casting a sitcom.

1035. You're not redundantly having the same person

1036. so we just meshed right away.

1037. - I mean after that was Sandler and Spade

1038. and probably where it was all into camera.

1039. - That's when I'd say it was the most potent.

1040. '90 to '93 I'd say, because you had Farley and Sandler.

1041. You were coming in right after that.

1042. Chris Rock, Tim Meadows, and then Phil was still there,

1043. I was there, so that three years

1044. it felt like on a given night

1045. you'd have Toonces the Cat, Jack Handey,

1046. you'd have the sprockets, there might be church lady.

1047. Sandler would do a song, I don't think.

1048. - I always liked Phil and Lovitz doing those old,

1049. - Yeah, they did the gangster.

1050. What's the word on the street?

1051. I'm telling you, you're through in this town, understand?

1052. They did it so much that Lorne said,

1053. do they do anything else?

1054. - Remember that guy?

1055. - Yeah, just give it to me straight.

1056. - Did they do that in Three Amigos too, no?

1057. - Probably.

1058. - They did those characters, I know that.

1059. - Yeah, he did do that character.

1060. - Just a publicist and a 1940s actor.

1061. And he'd go, you're through, you're through!

1062. What's the word on the street?

1063. He just won't get the message.

1064. - Even the lesser-known one-offs were classics,

1065. like Massive Head Wound Harry, it was a great era.

1066. - I was in the Lachlan group.

1067. - Did you do Massive Head Wound Harry more than once?

1068. - I only did it once,

1069. where the dog almost bit my head?

1070. Yeah that was one of the biggest laughs

1071. I'd ever been a part of.

1072. Because the dog, they put so much on the prosthesis

1073. that it was just almost pulling it off.

1074. So the sketch was going so big

1075. that I didn't want it to be a sketch

1076. about the wig going off, because it was killing,

1077. so I held it on.

1078. But normally you'd let it go and it's like,

1079. oh my god, it's Lucille Ball, it's crazy!

1080. Or Carol Burnett, but I held it right here.

1081. - Which Lorne was very much against, during that time.

1082. - Oh yeah, you could not break

1083. until Sandler just said, hoo-wah!

1084. You couldn't break, you thought you'd get fired.

1085. Only Phil broke once, playing Frankenstein.

1086. - I remember Jim Downey once,

1087. they were gonna do a game show,

1088. and the studio audience

1089. was gonna play the studio audience, you know?

1090. And Downey said, no, you cannot do that.

1091. Like a person cannot both be in the sketch

1092. and be watching the sketch at the same time,

1093. unless you're Sandler.

1094. - But then when Sandler did it, I was just envious,

1095. I thought it was a great thing,

1096. because his joy, it just bounced off the screen.

1097. And he took a while to catch on there.

1098. And people were saying, is gonna make it?

1099. You know one night I was outside my dressing room,

1100. I was in like nine things, top of the mark,

1101. and Sandler was in the hallway, kind of emotional.

1102. Like I don't know, Carvey.

1103. So I remember bringing him in, you see I'm glad

1104. I was nice to him, I said you'll be bigger than all of us.

1105. - Did you say that?

1106. - I did, because I saw the way girls reacted to him.

1107. - Oh yeah, girls react to him like crazy.

1108. But who knows how his career would have gone,

1109. because isn't that mixed nuts?

1110. - Oh, he took control.

1111. - Yeah, then he took control.

1112. - Well Sandler knew, he goes, Carvey,

1113. they don't know what they're doing.

1114. They don't know how to make it funny,

1115. so you gotta do it yourself.

1116. I was a victim of my own success,

1117. because I waited a year and they were piling

1118. these three million dollar paychecks at me,

1119. and I didn't know.

1120. But I was developing a Hans and Franz movie

1121. and a Western that Bob Odenkirk and I wrote

1122. for me and Jon Lovitz.

1123. I was gonna play an Irish guy who'd only heard about

1124. the West, and Lovitz is the mayor

1125. but they're hanging him,

1126. and you see posters from his mayoral campaign,

1127. if I don't clean up the town, you can hang me.

1128. So then I'm lethal with guns and an Irish innocent,

1129. am I gonna shoot 'em up, that kinda thing.

1130. And we end up on a train, and Lincoln is on the train

1131. but he's like 22 and he's a dick.

1132. And then Einstein's parents have to go somewhere,

1133. so we actually change Einstein's diaper.

1134. So then we go in this other car and Columbus is there

1135. and he's like 100, and we just made it.

1136. And then we go to New York when it was just starting,

1137. so it was just a Chinese guy with a telegraph thing

1138. for Chinatown,

1139. and they try to learn baseball and they hit

1140. each other in the head, you know, it was great.

1141. - This is fucking great.

1142. - I was doing those two movies

1143. and I lost control and power so I just left.

1144. Now I'm here.

1145. This is more fun.

1146. But Sandler took control,

1147. - Sandler had one foot out the door at the beginning,

1148. you just knew he was gonna be Eddie Murphy.

1149. - Oh I know, he goes, I'm gonna put Smigel

1150. in all my movies.

1151. I go, how did he get all this confidence?

1152. I could barely order a sandwich, I just go, plain's fine.

1153. - He does put his buddy in movies.

1154. - He's an amazing personality.

1155. - And he does everything himself.

1156. - That's what they don't know,

1157. he sits back with his cigar and they come with wardrobe,

1158. yeah, the red one, bring makeup, put it right there,

1159. and then he's editing with his cigar.

1160. - I remember the set and there were six guys,

1161. and he was like you over there, this time you do that,

1162. okay somebody yell action!

1163. - Well that's the thing that I couldn't do,

1164. and I don't know if you could do,

1165. but he could give someone the riot act

1166. and then just be fine.

1167. You're killin' me here, what the fuck are you doing here?

1168. Fuck!

1169. Then he goes, Carvey, I really am mad that they did that.

1170. And then I would have to take a nap.

1171. I can get mad but then I have to take a nap.

1172. - Do your family members ever imitate you?

1173. - Hah, no.

1174. I do all of them, I do my sister Laurie,

1175. well gall, Dane,

1176. why'd you go on the Norm show, Dane?

1177. Because it's fun, he's a really sharp guy.

1178. What does he do, Dane?

1179. She's just a question woman.

1180. - She calls you Dane?

1181. - Well yeah, she calls me Dane.

1182. I did my dad, and he goes,

1183. Jesus Christ, what the hell do you think you're doin

1184. god dammit!

1185. And that's my best impression, that's how he talks.

1186. Oh come on, you little shit.

1187. - My dad would hit me with the belt sometimes.

1188. - Yeah, you would have go

1189. - But it was the worst when he was the reigning WWE,

1190. - Well my brother Brad would wear multiple pairs

1191. of underwear when he knew he was gonna get a beating.

1192. Because he had to go get the belt

1193. and then he would snap it,

1194. and then he would make the kid get around,

1195. and you had to grab your ankles,

1196. and he'd ask the kids how many.

1197. You'd have to grab your ankles, corporal punishment.

1198. - He would ask the other kids how many?

1199. - Yeah, I had three older brothers and a younger sister,

1200. but she never got spanked.

1201. - Did you guys get along?

1202. - We're incredibly tight, because we went

1203. through Hitler together.

1204. - It sounds like a cult or something.

1205. He grew up in a cult.

1206. - A real cult?

1207. - Uhh, technically, I guess.

1208. - Are you a Scientologist, are you I Ron Hubbard's son?

1209. No, my first memory when I was three and a half,

1210. is my father made a boxing ring in the backyard,

1211. and I'd got these giant satin trunks on,

1212. I was like this big, and I had these giant gloves

1213. and I had to fight a neighborhood kid,

1214. and it was like four hours,

1215. I had to go in the ring.

1216. That was before five, I know for sure.

1217. To fight, to fight.

1218. And my mother's nickname for me was Precious.

1219. So he didn't like me very much.

1220. And I got A's, and that was bad.

1221. - You got A's?

1222. - If you've got an insecure father.

1223. - Yeah, AIDS would be the worst thing.

1224. - Not AIDS, AIDS sounds terrible.

1225. - What did you hear? - I heard AIDS.

1226. - Oh we both heard AIDS.

1227. - It's 1958!

1228. Anyway, everything's a joke with this guy.

1229. I say A, he comes with AIDS,

1230. which is a terrible tragedy.

1231. - A weird gloom came over the audience.

1232. - But you were really in a cult,

1233. like in a Christian type thing?

1234. - No, it was a boarding school but it was a cult.

1235. There was a lot of sleep deprivation

1236. and primal scream therapy, and sound

1237. - And you've been in therapy?

1238. - Yeah, oh yeah.

1239. - I just started eight months ago.

1240. - Do you find it helping at all?

1241. - Oh yeah. - Oh, that's good.

1242. I quit.

1243. - Do you ever have Schadenfreude?

1244. Taking pleasure in your friends' failures?

1245. - You know what that is.

1246. - So you're saying it's not enough that you succeed,

1247. your friends must also fail.

1248. - Well Dennis and I just talk about it,

1249. it's like a reflex, it's like a doctor hitting your knee

1250. and you go like that.

1251. Where if your friend has trouble in the business

1252. you just feel lighter that day.

1253. It's really weird, sick thoughts

1254. that go through your head.

1255. - Well you hit an age where you go,

1256. okay I'm not getting bigger.

1257. - Well you hit an age where I'm at looking back,

1258. and I can see the whole field and so you get wisdom.

1259. Of course we all know where it's going,

1260. we're just busying ourselves.

1261. We're like rats on a thing, some people play the drums,

1262. - But I'm saying specifically with comedy though.

1263. With age, your comedy, I think should become better.

1264. - It should, it's just that you become

1265. a caricature of yourself.

1266. - Yeah, if you get famous.

1267. - None one escapes that.

1268. No one escapes eventually kind of

1269. becoming an impression of themselves.

1270. And that's what happened to Johnny, it happens

1271. to everyone, he was this hip, this coolest guy.

1272. - I don't know if it happens to everybody.

1273. Never happened to me!

1274. - Is that my impression of you?

1275. You gotta go lower then, you're not high.

1276. - No you're doing alright, but some other guys.

1277. But you get pigeon-holed.

1278. So I was always a standup comic,

1279. thousands of hours, and I was just

1280. on Saturday Night Live a couple of years,

1281. but I got fired in a public way

1282. and so then people,

1283. and I remembered I would co-headline with a guy

1284. you work with now, Jon Lovitz, when he first started.

1285. And it was a co-headline, even though, you know.

1286. And then I tried to help him out,

1287. I go Jon, in one joke you're married,

1288. the other joke you have a girlfriend.

1289. And he says, 'Jealous?'

1290. And I go no,

1291. - Jealous?

1292. I'm fine.

1293. - You guys work in Las Vegas at the?

1294. - At the SLS Casino.

1295. The first thing he said to me, he goes, remember.

1296. - Coolest billboard I've seen,

1297. harkens back to the old days of Vegas.

1298. - I hate it, it's all brown and weird.

1299. - You don't like it?

1300. - No, I would change everything.

1301. - It's him and Lovitz in tuxes.

1302. - I know, and I come out in a t-shirt.

1303. But Jon, the first thing he said to me,

1304. I said okay, let's do the show, what the hell.

1305. It's Vegas, I can drive, I hate to fly.

1306. He goes, remember, it's not a competition.

1307. That's when I knew it was a competition.

1308. Because he's answering a question that nobody's asking.

1309. Well no, I wasn't even thinking that, Jon.

1310. We're forty years in, let's just have some fun.

1311. It's not a competition, you know.

1312. - Meanwhile you're forty years in, he's four months in.

1313. - He's a ways now, he's like 12 or 15.

1314. But I'm not competitive in that way,

1315. I want everyone to win, I like young people to win.

1316. I know a lot of these younger comedians, I want them to win.

1317. You know, I already won.

1318. I made a living doing a ridiculous thing.

1319. I always wanted to make what I could make

1320. as a waiter, that was the goal.

1321. About $1500 a month.

1322. - Does it help you to,

1323. you never settle down in LA that much,

1324. afterwards you went to the Bay Area, after SNL?

1325. - Once the humans arrived, my children,

1326. everything changed for me, maybe because I'm a child,

1327. I was like, humans are here.

1328. So I should really think what's best for them.

1329. Because I felt like a pig at the trough,

1330. like I've already been on SNL and made a lot of money,

1331. I'll be like, hey fuck you, kids,

1332. I want to make more money and be on more TV, you know?

1333. But I think raising children is very complicated,

1334. but we did move to northern California,

1335. my wife and I for 15 years.

1336. And I operated from there, you know Mill Valley?

1337. I would say, we never locked our house,

1338. we never locked our car, we got robbed a lot, but you know.

1339. Just for you, a joke, just a joke.

1340. - We're gonna come back and talk about the heart.

1341. - Yeah, I'll tell you all about my heart stuff if you want.

1342. - Well we were talking about health,

1343. you were like kind of a health nut

1344. when you were struck down, right?

1345. - Well I didn't really know how to eat,

1346. I didn't really understand that

1347. I had familial hypocholestorolemia.

1348. - Oh.

1349. - That's genetically super high cholesterol, 450.

1350. And I was like, you know,

1351. is his really high?

1352. - No, what was your glycerides?

1353. - I don't know about my glycerides but my bad cholesterol

1354. was 300, holy hell.

1355. - That's bad. - Yeah.

1356. - But your good cholesterol?

1357. - I was like 30. - Oh, that's bad.

1358. - So that is just bad.

1359. I was going to have an event, 80% chance

1360. by the age of 50.

1361. I had the event at 42.

1362. - Is it one of those things like Letterman said,

1363. if you're going right now, immediately,

1364. or did you wait?

1365. - No, I spent a summer when I was running and stuff

1366. feeling burning in my throat.

1367. - Because he was running.

1368. - I was running.

1369. And then I went and they gave me a thallium treadmill,

1370. they inject you with nuclear dye and they run you,

1371. they said we think you've got a blocked artery.

1372. This was up in Northern California,

1373. so then they snaked this thing through my femoral artery

1374. all the way up and put a little metal cage in there.

1375. - Now that's put in that the groin?

1376. - Yeah, a stent.

1377. Now they can do it though the wrist now,

1378. I have one through the wrist.

1379. But in those days they were bare metal stents

1380. so there was a chance of re-stenosis

1381. which means your interior artery has no way to react

1382. to a stab wound inside of it,

1383. so it creates scar tissue and then re-blocks the stent.

1384. So I was are-stenoser.

1385. So I kept blocking it and blocking it

1386. around the corner of my LAD, the widow maker,

1387. the most important artery, and my first diagonal.

1388. So I blocked, I blocked, I blocked.

1389. I kept getting re-steonosis, re-stenosis.

1390. So then they said they could do a simple bypass,

1391. double bypass, you know?

1392. Which you have two mammary arteries.

1393. So you wouldn't have to take stuff out of your leg.

1394. And it's numb for a while so you literally

1395. have to massage daily.

1396. - But what about when the doctor uses the term widow maker.

1397. - The lower interior descending of mine

1398. was like 99%, 100% blocked.

1399. - But you didn't have to go immediately.

1400. - Well I did all this stenting

1401. and eventually said I should do a bypass.

1402. And I was up north, and they said there's this doctor

1403. up here, he's the best in the world.

1404. - The best in the world?

1405. - Even though by that point I had got integrated

1406. with Cedar Sinai and PK Shaw,

1407. who was brilliant, who is my cardiologist,

1408. he's the director of cardiology there.

1409. So I had a private jet in the air to take me,

1410. because I was fearful, I didn't know as much then

1411. as I know now,

1412. I could have just taken a beta blocker and drove to LA.

1413. But then I canceled the jet

1414. and had the operation in a small country hospital up there

1415. with a 68 year-old guy who had a long case that morning

1416. in a hospital in San Francisco.

1417. - Was this an exchange for chickens or something?

1418. Why would you go to a small town doctor?

1419. - I had gotten into a cardiac group,

1420. well it just wasn't like Cedar Sinai.

1421. And unfortunately money matters in hospitals.

1422. - Why didn't you go to the best?

1423. - I just was not educated. - You're Dana Carvey.

1424. - I was up there, and I was told that

1425. the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country

1426. was right in your backyard, that's what I was told,

1427. by people I trusted.

1428. - And this guy got the wrong artery.

1429. - Yeah, he didn't harm me, he got the first diagonal,

1430. but instead of hitting the tree trunk

1431. which is your LAD,

1432. he hit a branch off of it.

1433. He connected to a branch that was already open.

1434. So he didn't harm me, but the LAD was not fixed.

1435. So then they just did a subsequent angioplasty,

1436. which I had every reason to believe it would

1437. re-stenosis again and again and I would

1438. have to do another bypass.

1439. So I spent a year of just,

1440. but you know, PK Shaw is Hindu,

1441. did a prayer at Mother Teresa's place in India,

1442. and then my Irish mother in law did a prayer wishing well

1443. in Ireland.

1444. And it shouldn't have happened,

1445. and then I've had it checked within a year,

1446. it's wide open, unbelievable.

1447. - Because somebody else.

1448. - No, just the final time it never reached stenosis,

1449. for no reason.

1450. - Oh, I thought you had two operations.

1451. - No I only had one where they cracked me in half

1452. like a fabulous crab.

1453. And that was more fun because I had morphine.

1454. - So that one worked?

1455. - Well no, it didn't.

1456. See, the angioplasty failed,

1457. I was cracked open, they didn't correct it,

1458. but then I did another angioplasty, the fifth one

1459. in that place, it held.

1460. The fifth one held for 21 years, no problem.

1461. My cholesterol is now like 100.

1462. Now what does that mean?

1463. And now we shall have cake!

1464. It just feels very British, like out on a lawn,

1465. good shot, old chap!

1466. - Because we don't want to lose you.

1467. We always worried about losing you too young.

1468. - I worry about losing you!

1469. I'm the last person you should worry about.

1470. While this 20 years has happened,

1471. the technology exists to completely manage this.

1472. You just eat some salmon, you take Crestor,

1473. you're fine, do a little exercise.

1474. - Everybody at home is like taking him off the death pool.

1475. - Well because this is unnecessary,

1476. when I hear about somebody,

1477. Tim Russer or James Scandalfini

1478. I don't believe they had the 64 calcium scan.

1479. - But the running must be helpful.

1480. - Everything's helpful.

1481. - You know I had a cardiologist who was

1482. Jimmy Fixx's cardiologist.

1483. - Who's a famous runner who died of a massive heard attack.

1484. - But you know why he died?

1485. Religion.

1486. - Jim Fixx died because of religion, not a heart attack?

1487. - Well no, he had the symptoms

1488. but his religion was, he doesn't go to the hospital

1489. because I think he was a Christian Scientist.

1490. - Well a thousand people today in America

1491. will discover they have heart disease for a second,

1492. and then they'll go lights out.

1493. They'll just hit the pavement, that's the first time

1494. they realize they have it.

1495. They'll hit, just like that.

1496. - That's why I think it doesn't get

1497. as much money or research as cancer,

1498. because people think, oh, it's just an instant death.

1499. - Well also the complication is

1500. that when a human being hears someone else

1501. has a health issue,

1502. the first thing in their head is

1503. they think of a reason why they can't get it.

1504. Yeah old Bob's got prostate cancer, or whatever.

1505. I eat a lot of tomatoes though.

1506. I had people say to me during the re-stenosis phase,

1507. well you're just not ready to be done with this.

1508. You wanna say, fuck you.

1509. Because you want to think that you have

1510. control over your health, like that guy was nervous,

1511. I'm not.

1512. You wanna think, well he got cancer

1513. but he was depressed.

1514. - I'm eating tomatoes, he's ordering prostate cancer.

1515. - He had a brain hemorrhage, I eat bananas, done!

1516. Potassium, good for the brain.

1517. Did that bum you guys out or inspire you?

1518. You can manage it, fellas.

1519. - You always have to have half as much magnesium

1520. as you do potassium.

1521. - I don't know about any of this.

1522. - Oh yes, magnesium.

1523. Co Q-10s, Jesus, have some Co Q-10s!

1524. Rob's gonna see this, no his show is a hit on Netflix,

1525. so I'm doing it from him doing a character in a sitcom.

1526. Well I'm calm, what do you say?

1527. Thank you, here we go.

1528. - Well he is a self-starter, huh?

1529. - Oh good for him, he just writes and works,

1530. and he puts his own money into stuff,

1531. finances things, I know, he's inspiring, people like that.

1532. I like to watch a lot of television,

1533. I surf the web, play my guitar a lot,

1534. I'm kind of, you know.

1535. Unless I have something in front of me that I can control,

1536. - It's hard, right?

1537. - We both have that thing of lack of control.

1538. - Especially when you grow up with standup

1539. where you have complete control,

1540. and then somebody tells you, hey read this.

1541. You ever be on Saturday Night Live

1542. and try to take a pause,

1543. and the cue card person is like,

1544. like you can't see?

1545. Because they're this close to you.

1546. - I tried to take a pause, I was doing Keith Richards,

1547. Mike Myers was doing Mick Jagger.

1548. And I tried, I was, I don't know.

1549. And I took a pause and the guy

1550. was doing the same thing, like that.

1551. I'm like fuck, I'm trying to pause here!

1552. - On Saturday Night Live you're not allowed

1553. to look at the other actor.

1554. You gotta look at the cue card,

1555. so the eye line is way up.

1556. Sometimes the guy will come on and be a real actor

1557. and want to connect,

1558. but it would look weird

1559. if you're looking at cue cards

1560. and he's looking you in the eye.

1561. - Well the best and the smartest, let's say your or me,

1562. Christopher Walken, first time he comes on,

1563. cue cards are out there, he's supposed to be

1564. talking to me.

1565. He just looked out and stayed at the cue card.

1566. I don't know why you're coming over,

1567. and I'm like, you're gonna be there Friday, right?

1568. Yeah, gonna do it.

1569. I go, brilliant!

1570. Because it worked, he was just shifting,

1571. but he just looked straight at the card.

1572. Do you wanna hear a funny Christopher Walken story?

1573. Well I was playing a Jack Handey sketch,

1574. so we're aliens and our spaceship lands.

1575. And we're friendly but we put the door down

1576. and it always kills one of the local people.

1577. So we come down, and we come in peace

1578. and they're like, kill 'em, kill 'em!

1579. So he always had to say, before we ran up the gang plank,

1580. the little wooden ship on the set, he goes,

1581. let's get outta here!

1582. And then we'd run up and we'd be in this little place,

1583. he'd be this close to me, laughing so hard.

1584. Every take!

1585. When you're going to the party,

1586. I mean he is another guy, just amazing.

1587. - You know what character I loved that you did,

1588. I think you only did it once was Drunk Man.

1589. The super hero?

1590. - Yeah, Drunk Man, the super hero.

1591. A Jack Handey sketch where Neil and I had binoculars,

1592. and this rocket was gonna take off,

1593. but everything kept wandering underneath.

1594. Like no, Lassie's under there,

1595. and then he's holding a Picasso, and then it was Hitler,

1596. I don't know what we do!

1597. - Well and we have to thank, can we do any jokes?

1598. They want us to do jokes.

1599. - Let's do some jokes.

1600. What do we do 'em as, should I do a funny character?

1601. A new study says that dogs can tell when people

1602. are doling out fake praise.

1603. So I guess that's the one thing

1604. that differentiates my dog from Adam Eget.

1605. Who's Adam, Eget?

1606. - Just a funny name we thought of.

1607. - Oh just a funny name?

1608. - Oh what about this one?

1609. I'll do the next one.

1610. - This as Garth?

1611. - No just as yourself.

1612. - You know what they say, opinions are like assholes.

1613. I wanna suck them all.

1614. - You wanna suck assholes?

1615. - Yeah he just edited it,

1616. see that's the writer review.

1617. - Now listen, my girlfriend's mad at me right now,

1618. last night when we were having sex

1619. I yelled the name of her ex-boyfriend, nice thought.

1620. - Oh I love that.

1621. I always liked that old joke,

1622. of like yeah, he's a little vain,

1623. when he has an orgasm he yells out his own name.

1624. I always liked that one,

1625. or a woman says, yeah I want ten inches.

1626. I don't fold it in half for anybody.

1627. - I think the First Lady Menal—

1628. what's her name?

1629. I think the First Lady, Melania, was that her name?

1630. I think the First Lady Melania Trump

1631. puts up with a lot from her husband.

1632. But he's able to get away with hit

1633. because he's President, he's rich, and he has a huge cock.

1634. Come on, let's do it baby, let's do it.

1635. You never get erection, Mr. Donald Trump person!

1636. Every time you try to have sex!

1637. You never never have erection, Mr. Donald

1638. President person person!

1639. Why do you say person twice, why?

1640. Because that's what I call you,

1641. Mr. Donald President person person.

1642. Come on baby, come on let's do it.

1643. No Mr. Donald President person person,

1644. yeah it makes me happy.

1645. Now that makes me happy,

1646. just that she says person twice,

1647. makes me very happy.

1648. - Adam Eget is him.

1649. - Oh, I didn't know that's your last name!

1650. - His name is Adam Eget. - Eget.

1651. I had no idea you were Adam Eget.

1652. - I forget sometimes.

1653. - I'm not saying that your trusty sidekick,

1654. Adam Eget, is dumb,

1655. but on his contract where it said sign here,

1656. he wrote, Capricorn.

1657. - The Letterman. - That's so dumb!

1658. - Good heavens, oh dear.

1659. One story, from the book of Hadith

1660. reports how the prophet Mohammed joked with a boy

1661. called Abu Umayer who was playing with a small sparrow.

1662. One day the prophet saw the child looking sad,

1663. so asked, why do I see Abu Umayar looking sad?

1664. One of the villagers told him,

1665. the Nugayar, sparrow,

1666. which he used to play with,

1667. has died.

1668. Whereupon the prophet began to gently joke

1669. with the child to bring him out of his melancholy,

1670. saying, "Oh Abu Umayar, what happened

1671. to the Nugayar?"

1672. Note, in Arabic this is a play on words

1673. because of the rhyme between the boy's name,

1674. Abu Umayar,

1675. and that of the bird, Nugayar,

1676. being the diminutive of new car.

1677. That's not what I was expecting.

1678. - I wish it could keep going on, this is it?

1679. - No that's your joke.

1680. - Oh my god, you want me to read this whole thing?

1681. Alright, I will, okay.

1682. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

1683. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw

1684. the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

1685. He soon realized she was heading straight

1686. towards his seat.

1687. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

1688. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,

1689. business trip or pleasure?

1690. She turned and smiled and said business.

1691. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America

1692. Convention in Boston.

1693. He swallowed hard.

1694. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

1695. sitting next to him, and she was going

1696. to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

1697. Struggling to maintain his composure,

1698. he calmly asks, what's your business at this convention?

1699. Lecture, I use the information I've learned

1700. from my personal experiences

1701. to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

1702. Really, he said.

1703. What kind of myths are there?

1704. Well, one popular myth is that African-American men

1705. are the most well-endowed of all men.

1706. - I've heard that.

1707. - When in fact, it is the Native American Indian

1708. who is most likely to possess that trait.

1709. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,

1710. when actually it is men of Jewish descent

1711. who are the best.

1712. I have also discovered that the lover

1713. with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern redneck.

1714. Suddenly the woman became

1715. a little uncomfortable and blushed.

1716. I'm sorry, she said.

1717. I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you,

1718. I don't even know your name.

1719. Tonto, the man said.

1720. Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

1721. - Dana Carvey, everybody!

1722. - I'll clap for myself.

1723. - That was a good one, you can do that in your act.

1724. - That was a good joke.