Norm Macdonald Live 3x5

1. - Tonight, for the full hour, Comedian Bobby Lee

2. and we'll be talking specifically about stand up comedy.

3. We're gonna start with the opening remarks as always.

4. Beside me is my trusty sidekick,

5. and boy I had some kind of a, experience,

6. something I've never had before.

7. - What happened?

8. - I was approached, who's my favorite comedian?

9. - Greg Proops. - No.

10. - Bob Hope.

11. - Bob Hope. - Always Bob Hope.

12. - Well, I was approached by USO to do a show.

13. - That's exciting!

14. - It was amazing, it's not only me.

15. There was Brooke Shields appeared, Loni Anderson,

16. Gary Sandy.

17. Loni Anderson insisted on Gary Sandy.

18. - Oh.

19. - Who else was there, Sam Cedar,

20. John Pinette, God rest his soul.

21. Anyways, I wasn't in that part of the show.

22. - Right. - That was the main stage.

23. They had me and you over on another stage.

24. - That's right.

25. - It was a little bit of a surprise.

26. - To not be on the main stage?

27. - Well, because of what they did.

28. I mean, we'll get to the clip,

29. and the people at home will know what I'm talking about.

30. - Oh, right. - But things are changing.

31. You know, you gotta keep up. - Yeah.

32. - And I don't know if I was exactly ready for this,

33. but we did our best.

34. - Sure.

35. - So let's let the folks at home take a look right now,

36. right here, you can look too.

37. Adam Eget, right at that camera.

38. - Where's my tree?

39. - Right there. - Ah!

40. - And we're gonna look now at the USO tour,

41. not the main stage.

42. How's everybody doin' out there?

43. This is Norm USO MacDonald.

44. Wow, isn't this wild?

45. When I was told I was gonna perform for a bunch of drones,

46. I thought I was bein' booked on The View.

47. But I'll tell you, drones, that I hear the locals

48. are complaining about your manners.

49. Apparently, you keep dropping in on them unannounced.

50. But I see a lot of you are carrying cameras,

51. feel free to take pictures of me,

52. but don't relay them to forward command

53. to call in mortar fire.

54. Okay fellas, I just wanna remind you all

55. what you're fightin' for, come on out here!

56. No, settle down, it's not Adam Eget.

57. It's not Adam Eget.

58. No, no, no, but Adam has brought a little friend,

59. a surprise on his phone he has

60. the super sexiest robot that ever existed.

61. You fellas all know who I'm talkin' about, Siri everybody!

62. And she's got a song for us.

63. - God bless America, land that I love.

64. Stand beside her and guide her through the night

65. with the light from above.

66. From the mountains,

67. to the prairies, to the oceans white with foam.

68. - Well, how 'bout that!

69. I'll just tell ya, drone audiences

70. are the best audiences in the world!

71. Our guest for the full hour, actor, comedian,

72. writer, Bobby Lee, and his credits stretch down.

73. But as they say, all politics are local.

74. Apparently, you guys have a little history,

75. because you used to be the manager,

76. this is my trusty sidekick Adam Eget.

77. You used to be the manager of the Tempe Improv,

78. the best club in the country.

79. - Right.

80. - And I did 10 minutes once in front of him

81. and then I never played there again.

82. - When did this turn into Crossfire?

83. And secondly, I didn't ban, I didn't ban.

84. - Who banned me?

85. - I think it was Howard.

86. - Yeah, and you're part of the same regime.

87. - No, alright well, technically, yeah.

88. - Howard was an old man.

89. - Yeah, like Kim Jung Un, right, has a soldier, but like—

90. - Sure, yeah I'm just following orders.

91. - Yeah, but you're a part of the thing!

92. - And I admit that.

93. - Alright, and what did I do?

94. - You know who else said they were just following orders?

95. Hitler.

96. - Stalin was just as bad.

97. - What'd I do?

98. - I think you took your pants down.

99. - On stage?

100. - Yeah, he got pretty naked on stage.

101. - Well, I wanted to prove a point.

102. I said that, skin color's only your skin color

103. and we're all pink on the inside,

104. so I showed 'em my butthole.

105. - I remember now.

106. - And that was my opener and he didn't like that.

107. - Like Lenny Bruce.

108. - It was a real opener.

109. - Yeah, it's like Lenny Bruce, yeah.

110. At that time I was young,

111. I didn't really have a lot of jokes.

112. But I would've appreciated the encouragement.

113. - Well, I give you, it was funny.

114. - He was the manager. - It was funny.

115. - Yeah. - 'Cause you were the manager

116. for just a short period of time.

117. - Yeah, and then I moved back here.

118. - Well, you probably know stuff about him at the Store.

119. - Well, he's in charge now huh?

120. - He's in charge. - You've got a lot of power.

121. - He picks the, whoa, oh my god!

122. - He's entitled.

123. - He picks guys who go on stage.

124. - Yeah, but you know what? - How's that effect you?

125. - It effects me a lot.

126. I'll tell you why it effects me!

127. Can I tell you why? - Yeah.

128. - Because when he wasn't there,

129. the guy before used to put me up way more.

130. - Yeah, in front of empty crowds.

131. - That's true.

132. - What if you had finally got your big...

133. You know you're like,

134. not your big break 'cause you've had a lot of breaks,

135. but you're like, I wanna be a regular on Fallon

136. and then you for your audition and it's him.

137. - Oh, I wouldn't do it.

138. I wouldn't get past.

139. He's tough!

140. You gotta be on SNL.

141. - That's not true.

142. - Well, there's a lot of SNL people that you brought in.

143. - Oh my god, he's so far up fuckin' Spade's ass.

144. You ever seen him with David Spade?

145. - I know, I saw him on a red carpet with David

146. holding hands or something.

147. - No way!

148. - I was like what the hell is going on here?

149. - You on a red carpet with him?

150. - Yeah, for Dirty, Dirty Man, whatever that movie is.

151. - Dirty, Dirty Man? - You mean Joe Dirt 2.

152. - I call it Dirty, Dirty Man. - It's because of the show.

153. He was bustin' my balls saying I sounded like Buffalo Bill.

154. - I know. - And then, yeah.

155. - Yeah, but still you were on the red carpet

156. and I was watching social media and you were on it.

157. - I remember there's a picture of you.

158. And then behind, it's like Dirty, Dirty Man.

159. He was posin'.

160. - Yeah, he was posing, it was really gross.

161. - Maybe that's why it didn't do so well.

162. - So you went with Spade, you were his date.

163. - I was not Spade's date!

164. - What's that, what happened to you?

165. - I fell down some stairs.

166. - You fell down some stairs on a girl.

167. That's not what the abuser says.

168. - Both hands are like that.

169. - He fell down the stairs.

170. - It's not important!

171. - Like this.

172. - You had quite a misadventure on your way here, Bobby.

173. - Thank you for the car. - Yes, we sent an Uber.

174. - I didn't know it was a Uber, I get in the car,

175. and then halfway during the trip, he goes, "Get out!"

176. - I go, what?

177. Like I was playing a game on my iPod.

178. "Get out!"

179. I go, excuse me?

180. "Get out!"

181. He pulled over, on like Venice Blvd.

182. - Jesus!

183. - I go, this is the place? "No, he cancel, he cancel!"

184. Right, he shows me like his phone, where it says canceled.

185. I go, but I have money.

186. "No, get out!"

187. - Oh shit.

188. Then I dropped his name, Norm MacDonald!

189. "I don't know him!

190. "I don't know Norm!"

191. - Rarely works.

192. - Right, does it work?

193. - Why didn't you just use a bigger star than that?

194. - I don't know!

195. Tom Hardy, "I don't know him either!"

196. Yeah and so, I was about to get out,

197. but then I called, who did I call?

198. Yeah, this guy right here.

199. Thank you, you saved my life dude.

200. I go, he'll give you 60 bucks when we arrive.

201. He goes, "Okay."

202. What do you mean, we pulled over, I had the fear!

203. I panicked.

204. - Well, I was just in Portland, a guy told me,

205. "If your card is rejected by Uber, you're banned for life."

206. - Yeah.

207. - Is it true though?

208. - I don't know whose card that is guys.

209. - Whose card was it?

210. Was it your card?

211. - Oh fuck!

212. - You and your Andre Agassi haircut.

213. - That is an Agassi haircut for sure.

214. - So did you remember, you don't remember him?

215. - Of course I remember, you had that mohawk or fauxhawk.

216. - Yeah, yeah.

217. - It was fuckin' ridiculous. - From Tempe?

218. - Huh? - From Tempe?

219. - Yeah! - Yes, from Tempe.

220. - So you went all the way to Tempe to audition?

221. - No, I opened for Mencia. - Oh no!

222. - Yeah, or Pauly, one of the two.

223. Pablo, one of 'em.

224. When I say one of 'em, I don't mean Mexicans,

225. I don't mean Mexican. I love Hispanic people, okay?

226. But anyway, and then you fired my brother.

227. - I don't think I fired your brother.

228. - My brother was working there.

229. My little brother Steve.

230. - I know Steve! Steve's great!

231. - I've seen him on your TV show.

232. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, and my little brother Steve

233. got fired from the Tempe Improv under your regime.

234. - Well maybe under my regime—

235. - But that's why I'm here.

236. I not here for Norm, I'm here to confront you!

237. No, I'm kidding.

238. - And meanwhile, I do the Tempe Improv

239. and he comes over to me and he goes,

240. do you mind if Jimmy Kimmel's sister...

241. I go, that's fine, he's doesn't even know her name!

242. And he's like, "Ladies and gentlemen,

243. "Jimmy Kimmel's sister!"

244. She runs up.

245. So what about his brother? - Yeah, I'm not big enough?

246. - She was a manager at the time too.

247. - She was a manager of the club?

248. - Yeah. - I didn't know that.

249. - My brother was a food runner.

250. - Oh yeah, he was terrible!

251. - Food runner at the Tempe Improv?

252. - At the Tempe Improv. - Nice guy.

253. - Nice kid. - Awful, awful.

254. - And he told the waiter, "I will fuckin' stab you

255. "in the neck you son of a bitch!"

256. - He did say that! - Second day in.

257. His second day in and he picked up a knife I think.

258. You know what I mean, and so then he got fired.

259. - Yeah.

260. - Yeah, my brother's never had a job after that again.

261. - I read that you started in San Diego.

262. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

263. - Now that's almost unheard of,

264. does anybody else ever start there?

265. - Yeah, didn't Kirk Fox, isn't Kirk Fox from San—

266. - Yeah, but he moved to LA and started.

267. - Oh okay.

268. - You know, Kirk Fox had a, he taught Dr. Phil

269. how to play tennis, Dr. Phil gave him a show.

270. - I know he did. - He did like 150 episodes.

271. - It was unwatchable. - It was tough.

272. - I love Kirk, but I couldn't watch it!

273. - It was about relationships.

274. One time Kirk told me, like the president of whatever,

275. said like, "Who is your girl?"

276. He goes, "I haven't been in a relationship in years."

277. He's like a relationship expert.

278. And he had glasses.

279. - Yeah. - He's like an expert.

280. - I used to live in a house and he worked

281. at the tennis racket store, Racket Store Next Door.

282. So I knew kind of who he was.

283. He was like this tall young guy, this is in the 90s.

284. - Well, what's your, he's kind of a cool dude, right?

285. - Who?

286. - Kirk. - I don't know.

287. - Couldn't you see his rap workin' with the ladies?

288. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't find him very good looking.

289. - No, no, but his rap. - No, his rap sucks.

290. He looks like a Tim Burton character.

291. Like someone drew him. - Yeah, I can see that.

292. - Skinny, and tall, and gangly.

293. - You're right, a lot of triangles.

294. - I hate him. No, I love him.

295. - But in La Jolla, did you used to do like

296. odds and ends around the La Jolla Comedy Store?

297. - Yeah. - Odds and ends.

298. - Yeah, I used to do all kinds of stuff.

299. - Was that a show in the belly room?

300. - It does sound like a show.

301. - You producing that too? - No, booking it.

302. - No, I used to work the door, clean the rooftops,

303. and I was a bar back.

304. And then at one point, we gutted it

305. and I put the bamboo up, you know the bamboo that's in the—

306. - Shit.

307. - Well, it's not a ethnic thing, it's just—

308. - It was my fault. - But, that's how I started.

309. And then Pauly saw me at an open mic.

310. - And what'd he say? - In, in?

311. - In La Jolla, and I had been doing

312. comedy for maybe nine months.

313. He goes, "Dude, you're funny bruh!"

314. I go cool, he goes,

315. "I want you to open for me in Vegas, bruh."

316. A week later, back then he was a huge celebrity.

317. - Yeah, yeah.

318. - 5,000 seats. - Still is.

319. - He's great, killing it.

320. - But, yeah 5,000 seats and his mom came up to me

321. and she goes, "You're a regular."

322. I got passed.

323. - Wow! - It was amazing.

324. - That's quick. - Yeah.

325. - Is there any way of confirming that story with Mitzi?

326. - Call her now.

327. I mean, she literally has no idea who I am.

328. She keeps calling me Peter.

329. - Now tell us about the roast battles.

330. - Oh yeah, you've judged right?

331. - Bobby, the guest, a judge. Not a guest.

332. You ever judge those things?

333. - I judged it, yeah.

334. - Now, I don't know if you make money off this,

335. but it was on Comedy Central.

336. - Yeah.

337. - They did it at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

338. - Yeah. - Who invented this?

339. - I booked this show, it was an open mic.

340. And then a couple comics wanted to fight each other

341. in the parking lot, and they said come back next week

342. and write jokes about each other.

343. And then it evolved—

344. - Are you part of the Deathsquad?

345. - But they, I've had problems with them.

346. They tried to derail me years ago.

347. Because I was in cahoots with Mencia, they thought.

348. - Oh right.

349. - So when the whole Carlos Mencia/Joe Rogan thing happened,

350. they had me on tape.

351. Right, like I didn't know that Joe Rogan was,

352. I love Joe, he's a friend of mine.

353. Joe if you're listening we're good, right,

354. but the thing is, is that I didn't know

355. that he was taping me so I said, yeah Mencia steals

356. and then I also said that I sucked my cousin's dick.

357. Can I say that? - That's a sharp left turn.

358. - Yeah, which I didn't, I didn't know there was a camera on.

359. - Oh.

360. - Right, and I'm not gay, but in high school

361. I sucked my cousin's dick. - Yeah. Sure.

362. - And then also on top of that I said that

363. Vietnamese people were jungle Asians.

364. Which I had to apologize to the Vietnamese people

365. and I apologize, that's what I said back then.

366. - Did anybody put this up

367. on the internet or something?

368. - Then he put it on the internet, that Deathsquad did.

369. - Sure.

370. - And all of a sudden, now right,

371. my aunt, my cousin's mom, calls me,

372. "He didn't! He didn't suck your dick!"

373. - You sucked his dick.

374. - Yeah, no, we sucked each other's dick.

375. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vice versa, right?

376. I go, " I didn't."

377. "He didn't!" You know what I mean?

378. Then my mom, that's my mom's sister,

379. they didn't talk and then she died!

380. - Oh no. - Jesus Christ.

381. - She died, right? - Horrible story.

382. - The last thing that I heard from my aunt was,

383. "You didn't suck each other's dick."

384. then a couple years later, my mom,

385. they'd stopped talking, and then she died!

386. - That's fucked up.

387. - Famous last words.

388. - Yeah, I love Deathsquad.

389. - How many views did it get?

390. - Millions. - Oh, seriously.

391. - Over the years though, I made my way back into the group

392. and now we're all good. - Oh good.

393. - So you opened for Mencia, which made

394. you the enemy of the Deathsquad.

395. - Yeah. Because you know they—

396. - That's like a Bruce Lee movie.

397. - Yeah. It's just like it.

398. - The Deathsquad...

399. - I don't know what Bruce Lee movie it could be.

400. - Are there comedians?

401. Don't you think Deathsquad makes

402. more sense as a Bruce Lee movie

403. than a comedy— - That's true.

404. - I went to a comedy club and then the next week

405. the Deathsquad are in.

406. it's just odd, I don't know.

407. They act like it's a normal thing.

408. They said, "You know who's here the next week?"

409. I said, "Who?"

410. "The Deathsquad." He got this from falling down!

411. Did you beat up your girlfriend?

412. - No, I fell into a wall. - Are you okay?

413. - Fell into a wall?

414. When you fall, at least you fall on the floor.

415. - I punched a wall, man. - Jesus Christ.

416. - Are your relationships better now?

417. - Yeah! - Okay.

418. Because for a while there I'd go to the Store

419. and he was like, he had teary eyes.

420. - Ohh. - He was going through stuff.

421. - Oh, with the...

422. - And I would get in the car, I would laugh so hard.

423. - Everybody wants to fucking kill me now

424. because— - There's that guy! Ha!

425. - It's the same thing. Tommy used to give everybody spots.

426. Then I came in—

427. - Now you gotta explain to the folks who Tom is.

428. - Tommy was the old booker at The Comedy Store

429. and he would give everybody slots—

430. - Villified! These guys get hated.

431. The guys who give the, take spots from people's,

432. change people's lives. - Toughest job.

433. Yup. Tough job.

434. - So Johnny Dark's on his bad side.

435. - Great reference. - Argus Hamilton loves him.

436. - Oh, Argus doesn't like me.

437. - But Argus has a lifetime, he took my,

438. - I really like the way you touch people.

439. - Argus has kind of a lifetime gig there, right?

440. - Mm hmm. Yeah, he says it's in,

441. - Does he still do my joke?

442. - He says— - It's his joke.

443. - Yes! - My joke's one of his staple.

444. - He stole it from DL Hughley, who stole it from you.

445. - Plus it was actually on television.

446. It was on the Larry Sanders show

447. on television, I did a joke on there.

448. - I truly think that was terrible thinking,

449. but it is word for word, I'll give you that.

450. - Word for word.

451. - Well, I mean that whole thing with Argus

452. was with Mitzi for many, many years,

453. so Pauly looks at Argus like that fist, I'd be fisting.

454. - He thinks a different thing.

455. - Yeah, yeah.

456. - I was thinking vageuly of that wall.

457. - From fisting. Imagine that was from fisting?

458. - Jesus man!

459. - I'm sorry, but it is Saturday night.

460. - Sorry, ladies.

461. - The problem is is now we have so many comics now.

462. Before, Tommy had these, just these a lot

463. of people that frankly weren't good.

464. - Now explain to the folks who Tommy is.

465. - Tommy was the old booker at The Comedy Store

466. and Bobby can testify, there were empty crowds,

467. a lot of time it was empty. - It was terrible.

468. - It was bad.

469. - Because he didn't book good line ups.

470. - Yeah! I mean— - That would attract people.

471. - You're at the same great core group of comics.

472. - 'Cause Bobby could walk in there

473. and get in there any time? - Yeah.

474. He gets, he gets pretty every time.

475. - I mean, I would get two spots

476. a night on Friday and Saturday

477. and every single night of the week.

478. - That's crazy and you only work The Comedy Store?

479. - I only work The Comedy Store

480. and because I started there, - Good for you. Good for you.

481. - I have loyalty to the club. - That's awesome.

482. - As soon as he took over, he cut me out.

483. - Ahh not true at all!

484. - I know, you gave me, no, you're still doing well.

485. Thank you so much, I appreciate spots.

486. - See you're saying you appreciate it, but its—

487. - No, I really do appreciate it.

488. - Seems like— - No, I feel great.

489. The thing is that I'm really blessed

490. to have you in my life. - You're such an ass.

491. - You're the greatest. Thank you.

492. - We're gonna be back to continue this.

493. - Six spots a week. - What?

494. - He gets six spots a week.

495. - I was getting nine. It's fine.

496. - You were getting nine? - Yeah.

497. - We're talking about, in the break

498. we're talking about the LA comedy scene,

499. which is of interest to many people now

500. because comedy insiders are everywhere listening to

501. Mark Marin and Bobby Lee's podcast and so forth.

502. Anyways, you guys were talking about it.

503. You just told me that Jamie Masada

504. said you sucked a guy's cock? - No!

505. - What was it?

506. - That's not, I just want to make this perfectly clear.

507. I never said— - What'd you just tell me?

508. - I said—

509. - You were saying nine inch, seven.

510. - I was saying that, um, - I'm sorry.

511. - I was saying that there's a lot of people,

512. for whatever reason, that are very upset with me

513. because they don't perform at The Comedy Store anymore

514. because I stopped booking them.

515. And they go to Jaime and they spread rumors about me.

516. - Adam books The Comedy Store, which is on the Sunset Strip.

517. The Laugh Factory, owned by Jamie Masada,

518. we're gonna get back to Bobby Lee,

519. but go ahead, tell the story.

520. - I never said one, I've never said anything

521. about Jamie or the Laugh Factory.

522. I've never made any disparaging remarks.

523. - Yea, but whose cock did you suck?

524. - Have you ever sucked a guy dick?

525. - No. - Yeah, let's get to that.

526. - No, not one time?

527. - Not one time. - Everyone thinks you did.

528. Everyone's saying it. - I heard it too.

529. - There's nothing wrong with it.

530. I've just never done it.

531. - How do you know there's nothing wrong with it?

532. - 'Cause Bobby just told me. No.

533. - Why wouldn't you suck a cock?

534. - It's just not my thing. It's just not my cup of tea.

535. - Is it 'cause you're homophobic?

536. - No. - Would you jerk a guy off?

537. - No! - Why not?

538. Well, if a guy's gay and he's like,

539. "If you jerk me off, I'll come

540. "and I'll have a great time and all you have to do

541. "is go like this."

542. - Well, yeah, I mean obviously. I guess I would, sure.

543. - Why not suck him off while you're at it?

544. - Oh no.

545. No. - So you've jerked off guys?

546. - I mean, a few. Yeah.

547. - Now you're just trying to pretend you didn't.

548. - No, I haven't. I wouldn't.

549. - It's a little reverse psychology.

550. - I don't think I could.

551. - You're like, "I sucked off a guy."

552. then you're like, "He didn't suck off a guy

553. 'cause he said he sucked off a guy."

554. meanwhile you actually did suck off a guy.

555. - No I didn't!

556. - So there's no celebrity that said, "Hey, can you suck?"

557. And you wouldn't do it? - No.

558. - Not one? - No.

559. - Tom Hanks!

560. - No way! - He's so likable!

561. - He's incredibly likeable. - Yeah!

562. - He's a little older. What about Brad Pitt?

563. Isn't he the most handsome man of all time?

564. - I mean... - Or Leo?

565. - Back in 90, no! - I'd do Brad before Leo.

566. - But he's a great actor, Leo.

567. - Yeah.

568. - Mine is David Duchovny. - Ohh!

569. - Duchovny, yeah.

570. - I love, I love him. - He's on your list.

571. - Tom hardy, I like Tom Hardy.

572. - Yeah, I like Tom Hardy, too. David Duchovny, for sure.

573. - His girlfriend, he had a, what do you call that list?

574. - Oh the, if you can freebie or whatever.

575. - So he picked Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston

576. and his girlfriend picked the milkman.

577. "All right honey, we're out of milk."

578. - Yeah, we still have a milkman.

579. - I don't think there's any milkmen anymore.

580. Was there ever a milkman in your life?

581. You ever have a milkman? - Hmm mm.

582. - Yeah, you're too young.

583. - You had milkmen? - Yeah.

584. - Did you? Really? - Yeah. I'm old enough to.

585. I mean, I was pretty young, but yeah.

586. - Well that was in Canada.

587. - Steve, you remember the milkmen?

588. - Yeah.

589. - Is there any truth? - I know what it is.

590. I've heard of it in folklore, but yeah.

591. - It is folklore.

592. Steve hates folklore. - Is that true, Steve?

593. - That's Steve O'Donnell.

594. Now Steve O'Donnell, Bobby, began—

595. - How are you doing?

596. - Began Letterman. He and Letterman were of like mind.

597. - Created the Top Ten list. - Oh my god.

598. - Pretty incredible, huh?

599. - That's amazing.

600. - No! There were many other writers, many others.

601. - There were many other writers,

602. but it's always credited that he and Dave

603. shared a sensibility and made each other better.

604. - Did you work with Robert Morton?

605. - Yeah, sure. - I love Morty!

606. He's a good dude. - Yes.

607. I've been to his house a couple times. I love him.

608. - He also gets credit for the Top Ten list.

609. - Does he really?

610. - A lot of people thought of it simultaneously.

611. - Are you bitter about that?

612. - Steve] No! I think it was.

613. - Now we were talking about the Top Ten list the other day,

614. apparently a lot of people take credit now

615. and it's, uh, you know.

616. - A team effort.

617. - Listen when I was, I don't know

618. if you're gonna run into this,

619. but maybe not because Letterman's still hip for a long time.

620. But on update there was a guy that wrote for

621. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

622. and he had to hide that on his resume

623. because it dated him, you know?

624. - Ahh.

625. - But those were great jokes.

626. I think the bits on The Tonight Show,

627. no offense to Letterman, but the bits on

628. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

629. were some of the funniest bits ever.

630. You know what I mean?

631. - Steve] Well it's the way Carson told them.

632. - The magazines, you brought every magazine.

633. Every periodical. Right? You were wrong, Popular Mechanics.

634. Listen, we don't have to talk about this.

635. I'm just tryin' to introduce one generation to another.

636. - It's really nice. Thank you.

637. Nice to meet you, Steve. - Thank you.

638. - Because comedy, we all, we're all,

639. got there by somebody else's shoulders, right?

640. - I love history and I love all of it.

641. I love guys like Argus, in fact I look up to

642. a lot of, even the Asian ones.

643. - Even Asian ones?

644. - Yeah, the few that there were.

645. - Who were there? - Johnny Yune.

646. - Johnny Yune! - Do you remember Johnny Yune?

647. - Yes. He was maybe the first one.

648. - He was the very first one, and he got

649. a three minute laugh after saying his opening line.

650. - Really?

651. - He would come up on stage—

652. - Was he wearing a tux or something?

653. - A tuxedo, right. He would let it sit.

654. And his opening line, he would go,

655. "Heddo." Two minute applause break.

656. Like killing off the best opener in the world.

657. If I did that now, it's done. It's done.

658. - Of course, of course. - Hell, we're all, I'm out!

659. - They put you up on the Deathsquad.

660. - It's no spreading your butt cheeks opener,

661. but it's a good opener, I'm sorry.

662. - Now what about the guy, Henry Cho?

663. Are you friends with him? - I love Henry.

664. - He has too many hooks for me.

665. - What do you mean? - Nah, I don't.

666. - He was Asian.

667. - Have you ever heard the guy that

668. wears the big ten gallon hat?

669. He's an African American gentlemen.

670. - Yeah.

671. - And he goes, "Haaamburger."

672. - Yeah, hamburger. Yeah! Hamburger.

673. - Makes me laugh. - Yeah, yeah.

674. - Oh, shucky ducky quack quack.

675. Ever heard of him? - No.

676. - There was another African American guy, headliner,

677. and he would go, "Shucky ducky quack quack,"

678. and the whole audience would say it.

679. - Ohh, how fun.

680. - So no matter what he wrote, in between he could

681. say shucky ducky quack quack.

682. Kill. - Wow.

683. Who came first though? Sounds like a lot like haamburger.

684. - Yeah, I think haamburger came first,

685. and then shucky ducky. - Quack quack.

686. - There is an Asian guy in Texas.

687. This guy, his name is Mark, he taught Pablo Francisco

688. how to do impressions back in the 90s, late 90s.

689. - Oh wow.

690. - For many years, 15 years, his stage name was Chinaman.

691. And I ran into him, he goes,

692. "I don't know why it's not working out for me."

693. Maybe it's your name Chinaman? Maybe?

694. - What was the name of that guy that you—

695. - That as racial epitaphs go, that seems

696. to be the least offensive one.

697. 'Cause literally, man from China.

698. - I know. I know. I think Chinaman, it's okay.

699. - Except if it refers to all Asians.

700. - Yeah, that's the problem.

701. - Do you know all the racial things against Asians?

702. - For Asians?

703. - Yeah, could you tell me them?

704. - Well, Guy Aoki got mad at me one time.

705. - Why?

706. - He's the head of the guys that

707. get offended in terms of Asians.

708. - So tell me some of them?

709. - Well, he knows them the best.

710. - Oh you do? Tell me some of the Asian things that you know.

711. - Like small penis'? - No, no, no.

712. - The names! - Names, yeah.

713. - Oh, well. Yellow. - Yellow?

714. - Yeah. - Who says that?

715. - Who says yellow? - Only if you're a coward.

716. - Hey yellow!

717. - No, that's yeller. - You're yeller.

718. - I've never heard of yellow. That's our skin color, but.

719. - Yeah. Yellow man.

720. - Yellow man? That's what you say. You made that up.

721. - Oh no.

722. - Hey yellow man, get our of my bar! I've never heard that.

723. - Guy runs out of the old ones,

724. so he has to make up new ones.

725. Come on.

726. - Yellow man.

727. - What about this one? I call it the G word.

728. - Do you know the G one?

729. - Oh gook? - Yes.

730. - Well, you just just said that like it came out naturally.

731. - Oh no! - You're right about that.

732. - You just said it like, you know, second hand. Gook?

733. - I thought it was a term of endearment.

734. - It's not. - Are you sure?

735. - Can I tell you, guy's weird?

736. - If you think that's like a fucking handshake,

737. you didn't meet enough Asians.

738. - Can I tell you where gook comes from?

739. - Yeah. That's be very interesting.

740. - People don't know this. A little history.

741. - Tell the camera. - I'll tell that camera.

742. - Let the people at home know.

743. - So gook comes from— - Which tree is he?

744. - I'm this one right here.

745. Gook comes from, it was created in the Korean War.

746. People don't know that, people equate

747. it to Vietnam War, but it's not.

748. It was cerated in the Korean War.

749. Gook is short for migook. Migook means America, okay?

750. So American soldiers in the Korean War would walk

751. through villages and the villagers would

752. point at Americans and go, "Migook."

753. Which is America, but they're like you're saying "me, gook."

754. - Oh my gosh. - Wow.

755. - So it doesn't really mean anything.

756. - Right, yeah. - But that's how it's derived.

757. - Completely, most words are meaningless too, right?

758. I mean unless there's something in that

759. that has an insult within it. - Right, Charlie?

760. - A term of derision. Otherwise it's just a word.

761. - It's just a word, yeah.

762. - And we're saying African American and when

763. you say that, it feels uncomfortable, right?

764. To your tongue? - No!

765. What are you supposed to say? - Well.

766. - No just tell me what you're supposed to say.

767. - Well, I definitely would not say the A word.

768. - Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's what I call it.

769. - The A dash A word. - Yeah, yeah.

770. - Africa America.

771. - I don't know why black, was black a thing?

772. - Black is great! - Black is great.

773. - Black is fantastic. - I use that.

774. - Right? - Yeah, Black is fantastic.

775. - Eventhough, they're not black any more.

776. Then again, we're not white, right?

777. We're pink like his fucking asshole.

778. - Seen it!

779. - We're all the color of Bobby's asshole, deep down.

780. Beautiful. It's Beautiful.

781. It's like you could do that as a poem. Slam poetry.

782. That's what you should do, Bobby.

783. You should go on— - A slam poetry?

784. - A slam poetry thing in New York City.

785. Well, they have these, you know.

786. I saw a wonderful play.

787. A guy went on a trapeze over the audience.

788. This was at the height of the AIDS epidemic.

789. And he cut himself and his blood, his AIDS, yeah.

790. His AIDS filled blood went all over the audience.

791. Everyone cheered 'cause we were afraid

792. to be politically incorrect, so instead we contract AIDS.

793. - Wait, you were at this show?

794. - Yeah.

795. - You're being sprayed with AIDS blood?

796. - We all have got full blown AIDS.

797. - What a fucked up, terrible show.

798. - What kind of fucked up

799. Cirque de Soleil shit is that?

800. - No, we pretended it was good 'cause we'd rather

801. get AIDS than be called homophobes.

802. But this guy said what one of the most

803. disturbing things to me. - Yeah.

804. - He said he was very into the gay SNM scene

805. and he said he'd love when guys with AIDS would fuck him.

806. He said something like,

807. "When they pump their death up my hot ass."

808. I was like, ooohhhh. Wait.

809. - Almost like a badge of courage, almost.

810. - It's real Stephen Crane, I love it.

811. We're gonna talk now, not about Asians,

812. but about guys, when you were starting out,

813. that helped you. - Oh my god, so many.

814. - Carlos Mencia helped you.

815. - So many people did. Dice did.

816. - Oh, Dice did!

817. - Dice did. Pauly did, a lot. Carlos.

818. - How did Dice help you?

819. - I would open for him. - That's awesome.

820. - When he did the Belagio, whatever.

821. - 'Cause people don't know about,

822. people don't know a lot of things about comedy,

823. but if a guy helps you, that's a huge thing.

824. - Yeah!

825. - The first first guy that lets you open.

826. - Experience, money.

827. - And then you get to play a room that's bigger than you,

828. that you could ever get yourself.

829. - One time, I don't know if you now Jimmy Shubert.

830. - Sure. - You know Jimmy, right?

831. This is the greatest thing anyone's ever done for me.

832. I had moved up from San Diego.

833. Pauly's like, "Come. Move up."

834. I had no place to live, so I slept

835. in my truck for like three nights.

836. I slept at the parking lot of The Comedy Store.

837. I had no money and I was broke.

838. - Both? - Yeah.

839. At the same time.

840. So anyway, I get a knock on the window

841. and I look up and it's Jimmy Shubert

842. and he says, "You hungry?"

843. I go—

844. - Bad lieutenant.

845. - I'll bring 'em up. No, he didn't do that.

846. - Like a baby bird.

847. - And then he— - So you said yeah.

848. - I go, yeah, and he took me to—

849. - Am I hungry? I'm broke and I have no money!

850. What do you think, I'm hungry?

851. I'm hungry, plus I want some food.

852. What'd Jimmy do?

853. - So, he bought me lunch, that's all.

854. - No, that's great.

855. - Really nice, and then like years later,

856. we had done some stuff together.

857. I just know, every time I see Jimmy I tell him that story.

858. - It stays with you.

859. - It really does stay with me

860. and that's why I'm so loyal to The Comedy Store because,

861. you know, other clubs wouldn't use me.

862. I got to work at the Comedy Store,

863. they put me up and I feel I wouldn't be who I am without it.

864. So, it's kind of like, when I was

865. on Mad TV and other things, other clubs were like,

866. "Come play our club!"

867. And I always made the Comedy Store number one on the list.

868. - Even more than that, Bobby and he won't say this,

869. but he does that more than Jimmy, Dice,

870. or any of those people did for him.

871. He's huge on that.

872. People come in a lot throughout the last seven years

873. I've been there and they're like,

874. "Bobby said I could have all his checks."

875. And I'd check and Bobby's like, "Yeah."

876. - Yeah, I mean I just love.

877. I'm not competitive in that way,

878. so I just love helping out, only the good ones though.

879. I don't help comics that don't deserve or need to be in.

880. - I've seen that too. Yeah.

881. - I mean 'cause Mitzi once said to me, when she was sane,

882. she said, "It is a sin to support mediocrity."

883. She actually had that on a wall, a plaque.

884. it's like, if I tell an open micer who has no talent,

885. no business being up there, "You're great!

886. You should keep doing it."

887. It is the worst thing you can do.

888. - That's the number one thing I always think of when—

889. - It's a sin to support mediocrity.

890. I had a guy that when I did Weekend Update,

891. he would send in jokes everyday.

892. A lot of jokes, 30 jokes, 40 jokes a day.

893. It's hard to write, it's hard to just write that much.

894. It's hard to type, for me. You know?

895. I couldn't think of 40 jokes a day.

896. And anyways, they were all sort of, almost, you know?

897. But he never got one on.

898. Then I said to Laura Jo, my producing partner,

899. "Should I phone this guy and tell him to quit?"

900. What am I supposed to do?

901. Are you supposed to follow your dreams no matter what?

902. You say no, right? - Mmmm yeah.

903. - Give up on your dreams.

904. I mean when my kid was young, I said you can

905. be anything you want, Dylan, what do you want to be?

906. You can be it. He said. "I want to be seven feet."

907. I said, "Let me rephrase it."

908. You can be five different things.

909. You have the choice of five different things.

910. - Yeah, but my opinion though, that's my opinion.

911. Even if I feel like this person doesn't have any talent,

912. whatever, that could be just me.

913. My opinion. - You might be wrong!

914. - Yeah, I could be wrong, you know.

915. So I admit that, but you know.

916. I just don't really go out of my way to help them.

917. - Sure. - Yeah, comedy's subjective.

918. There's people that have huge careers

919. that I don't find funny at all, I'm sure.

920. - I think comedy is objective, actually.

921. I do. - What do you mean?

922. - I think that your opinion on who's funny

923. is more valuable than just some guy's opinion.

924. 'Cause that guy could go, well he doesn't now

925. that this guy's stealing from a whole bunch

926. of different influences, but you do.

927. - Yeah, sometimes you'll see a guy destroy

928. and he's just hackey, using lines that have been

929. used a thousand times and I know those guys.

930. - Sure. - And some of them make it.

931. - Yeah. Oh yeah. - A lot of them.

932. - It's really scary, I think.

933. People go, "How come you don't," cause I don't,

934. I only do 45 minutes when I'm on the road.

935. The reason why I don't do more, is because

936. everything that I say, I try to write.

937. Everything's my words and I don't want to do things

938. that are even closely similar to anybody else's.

939. It's a hard thing to do.

940. - Do you think there's a fine line there, like with Carson?

941. You know, I hear with Carson, a lot of Ian Blabby (?)

942. and stuff, where it came from.

943. Or one of my favorite bands Oasis,

944. there's not an original bone in their body.

945. - Who? A band. - The band Oasis?

946. - Yeah, they're similar. Like, they stole everything.

947. Constantly being sued. - Well, that's not.

948. - Well, I'm just, all right, but Carson.

949. That's a good example. But he was hilarious.

950. - Right, right. That doesn't make stealing proper.

951. I mean Carson could have done it without

952. stealing and been just as funny.

953. - Yeah, I think you're right.

954. - But no, there was this Jonathan Winters

955. is this brilliant improv guy and he would

956. dress up as this character Maude Frickert,

957. you know, as an old lady and he'd go, "Hello there."

958. he did a voice and Johnny Carson

959. just stole it, even the costume, everything.

960. And then, so this guy couldn't do it anymore.

961. - Oh my god. - You know what I mean?

962. Because it would be like if Jimmy Fallon

963. took one of your bits, you can't do it.

964. - You can't do it any more, yeah.

965. I think that is—

966. - Jimmy Fallon is not a thief at all.

967. - But it might not be him, it could be his writers.

968. That's the thing. I mean, a big step for writers.

969. They see somebody at a club, who knows where it came from.

970. - That happened to me.

971. I was doing an Update and at the same time Dennis Miller

972. was doing Dennis Miller Live, which was on Friday night.

973. So my opening joke is word for word his joke.

974. It was my fucking writer.

975. So I'm like what? And then nobody told me.

976. Then, the next week, Dennis goes on the air, he goes,

977. "Hey, it's 11:30 on Friday night, Norm,

978. time to turn your VCR on, man!"

979. I'm like, what'd that mean? And then, yeah.

980. So yeah, it's not my fault. - Yeah, it's not your fault.

981. You know, you don't know.

982. - Sometimes it is their fault.

983. Robin Williams was notorious for it right?

984. - Well, listen.

985. - I think it was a well known, all right, that's fine.

986. - You know what they always say,

987. speak ill of the dead.

988. You know that old, fucking, that old saw.

989. God damn. - It's been a couple years.

990. Just let it go. - It doesn't matter to me,

991. - But we're gonna come back and we're gonna have a,

992. we're gonna hold Bobby for another segment if that's okay.

993. - I love it. - 'Cause it's sharpen.

994. We're back for the entire hour with Bobby Lee

995. and it's going swimmingly so far, I think.

996. Don't you think?

997. - I get it.

998. - Hey, we got some jokes. - All right.

999. - If that's all right.

1000. - Are these street jokes?

1001. - No, no, no, no. They're not.

1002. - So you wrote them. - Someone wrote them.

1003. - Someone wrote them, that you know?

1004. - Yes. People in this— - Okay, cool.

1005. - Thank you.

1006. - I didn't want to say who because

1007. in case the joke doesn't work.

1008. - All right, so um. - That's a start.

1009. You can just read it, you don't have to read ahead

1010. if you don't want, there's nothing.

1011. - No, no I'll just read it. - Yeah.

1012. - When you're single, trying to attract a partner,

1013. it's important to project the qualities you desire.

1014. Which I understand, but boy oh boy,

1015. have I had to suck a lot of dick lately.

1016. - That's sort of like a Bobby Lee joke.

1017. - It was a lot like a Bobby Lee joke.

1018. - All right. What about this one? This is for you.

1019. - Yesterday I had a picture framed.

1020. Now it's doing time upstate for armed robbery.

1021. - Oh my god. Here's one for Bobby Lee.

1022. - I don't want another, no more dick sucker ones.

1023. - No sucking ones. - But does it?

1024. - Do you diet sometimes? Do you go on diets and stuff?

1025. - Eh, sometimes. - This is sort of a diet joke.

1026. - I'm so sorry. Boy, was it hot outside today.

1027. I went out to buy a California Pizza Kitchen

1028. Signature Pepperoni Frozen Flatbread,

1029. and by the time I got home it was perfectly cooked

1030. and entirely eaten, hundred percent true.

1031. - Oh he ate it.

1032. - Bobby laughs. I love that he laughs.

1033. - Wait stop, stop, stop! What is this?

1034. - It's his career. Some of them are odd.

1035. I'm not gonna lie. - But this isn't a joke.

1036. - Well some of the, I think technically.

1037. - Like an observational joke?

1038. - I think technically.

1039. - No, it's not an observational joke.

1040. - I need to have glasses in order to see my family.

1041. Specifically, two glasses of scotch.

1042. See, I take the hits. I take the bad ones.

1043. - Adam, you do the next one.

1044. - I'll be on fucking Deathsquad with some of these.

1045. Um, here's one for Adam Eget, who did comedy,

1046. give me your card for a second.

1047. Did you know that Adam Eget did comedy for awhile?

1048. - You did?

1049. - Very briefly.

1050. - But you performed? - Very briefly.

1051. - Open mics? In LA or in Pheonix?

1052. - In Arizona.

1053. - And in Arizona he was famous for

1054. thrusting out his cock, like he'd push,

1055. he'd stand with the mic and he'd push forward.

1056. - It was a nervous tic, yeah. - But he has a hell of a hog.

1057. People say that. - Yeah, okay.

1058. - You have a big dick? - Eh, I,

1059. - People say you have a big dick?

1060. - Yeah. I guess.

1061. - That's you know just say no next time.

1062. - No. - Read that.

1063. - All right.

1064. I saw my little nephew recently and he was

1065. bothering me with a lot of questions.

1066. One he says to me, he says, "Where do you think

1067. would be the worst place to get a bug bite?"

1068. So I thought about it, I answered, "Maybe the eye?

1069. What's you're answer?"

1070. And he said Brazil.

1071. - Haaa.

1072. - 'Cause Zika. - Zika's from Brazil.

1073. - Torn from today's headline, what about this one?

1074. This is a short one. Fast one.

1075. - Okay, I signed up for my company's

1076. four hundred and one K— - 401K!

1077. - I'm sorry. I fucked it up. - No, no, no.

1078. - Don't give me a line reading.

1079. - I'm just— - You gave me a line reading.

1080. - I didn't know what four hundred

1081. and one K was, so I thought.

1082. - I mean, you give me me a line

1083. reading and then you touch me.

1084. - I mean, you're very soft.

1085. - I know, I know.

1086. - Do people say that? Do your lover's say that?

1087. - Dude, I'm fucking soft as fuck.

1088. You have to caress. - Oh my god.

1089. Is that moisturizer? - No, natural.

1090. - Just natural. He's soft.

1091. - I'll read it again? - Sure.

1092. - I signed up for my company's 401K,

1093. but I don't think I can run that far.

1094. - It is a long way.

1095. - Wait, I got to get one that's gonna make Bobby happy.

1096. - I don't want to.

1097. - I don't like when he scowls at me.

1098. - You know I grew up poor, man.

1099. My mom used to cut my hair with a bowl.

1100. You ever see when they used to do with that?

1101. Which was bad enough, but then came dinner,

1102. and it was, she served a bowl of hair.

1103. That was him.

1104. Okay. You ever hear of steampunk?

1105. - I like it. - Oh you do?

1106. - Yeah. - Well there's a joke for you.

1107. - Thank you, I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk,

1108. but I will say it's the healthiest way to prepare punk.

1109. - I'd like to take a moment to

1110. address all the men listening.

1111. Maybe I should do this in the camera.

1112. No means no and bacalao means cod.

1113. - What?

1114. - I guess it's a type of fish or something.

1115. I don't know. - Oh, bacalao.

1116. - If I was grading constellations.

1117. - I don't want to do another one.

1118. - Well, will you laugh if he does one?

1119. - I will laugh.

1120. - I'm gonna get you to do one.

1121. - If I were grading constellations, my review

1122. and description for Orion's Belt would be just three stars.

1123. - This is a thing we get once in a while.

1124. We ask for letters from people that have problems

1125. and it's called, it's actually called Dear Bobby.

1126. So this one says, dear Bobby, I'm in love

1127. with two boys and don't know which one to marry.

1128. First, there's Andy. Are you thinking about this?

1129. - Yeah, when you say, I'm listening.

1130. - I'm in love with two boys and don't

1131. know which one to marry.

1132. - One is Andy.

1133. - First is Andy, he's sort of blonde and sells insurance.

1134. Mama likes him which helps a lot.

1135. He's very reliable and seems anxious to get married.

1136. Then there's Tony.

1137. He's dark and sort of gives me the creeps,

1138. but they're awfully nice creeps.

1139. I don't know which one I like best.

1140. In the daytime, I like Andy.

1141. But I believe I like Tony better at night.

1142. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me?

1143. Andy or Tony?

1144. Okay, so. We're just gonna have a time.

1145. It was going well until these jokes showed up.

1146. You know? Huh? - How long is this?

1147. - This show? - Yeah.

1148. - How long's it run so far? - I have all day.

1149. But I just kind of want to know how long it is.

1150. - It's over. But thanks man, you were awesome.

1151. Best guest so far. The great Bobby Lee!