Norm Macdonald Live 3x14

1. - This is a good place for me, right?

2. - Absolutely, let's just start here.

3. - Let's just start here.

4. - You can have a chair.

5. - No! Why?

6. - Something to do with cameras.

7. - This is perfect.

8. - What?

9. You wanna do it like this.

10. - I'm completely sensitive to the cameras.

11. - He just got out of art school.

12. - I'm completely sensitive to camera angles.

13. I know exactly what I'm doing.

14. - Excellent.

15. - I know that you're completely clear in the shot.

16. Three, two...

17. I don't know how to count, though, so...

18. - Our guest today is...

19. Our guest, Jim Carrey, who knows cameras.

20. - Yeah, and I just...

21. I just, I just, I go against the norm,

22. and yet I love the Norm.

23. At the same time.

24. - That's sweet.

25. Oh, there go all the cards.

26. - Everything I do is against the norm.

27. - Have you ever made love to a camera, literally?

28. - To a camera?

29. No, but to a box of film I did.

30. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

31. Yeah, I blew a load into a box of film one time.

32. - I thought that was Wayne Flemming.

33. - Oh, yes.

34. He did a little of that, didn't he?

35. - Come and sit with us, Jim.

36. - That's pretty interesting, isn't it?

37. Starting well.

38. - You never know what you're gonna get.

39. - Good to see you.

40. Hey, check this out.

41. We need empty cups up here because...

42. Because I brought you something.

43. I brought you a treat!

44. - No way. - Yeah, a treat.

45. - This is the first treat I've ever...

46. Is it a chair?

47. - Is it the load you shot into the box of film?

48. - Yeah, no.

49. - This feels like it might be booze.

50. - He was doing a callback there, did you see that?

51. - No, I didn't. - He did a callback.

52. - I never listened to him once.

53. - I love him!

54. I love him, he's all I listen to.

55. So I got something called Keto coffee here.

56. Have you heard of Keto coffee?

57. - I'm guessing it's not a coffee but an alcoholic thing.

58. - No, no, no, it's coffee.

59. It's coffee, I don't do the alcohol thing.

60. But you gotta shake it up first.

61. Shake it up a little bit.

62. Now what's in this is, uh,

63. is Bulletproof coffee.

64. You heard of Bulletproof coffee?

65. Bulletproof coffee and cacao.

66. Which is like this chocolate powder.

67. - Yeah.

68. - It's also like this sound that

69. Batman and Robin make they...

70. - Cacao!

71. - When they hit the Joker and stuff.

72. On the old TV show. - The henchmen.

73. - That you don't know.

74. Cacao!

75. And cacao— - Ca-ca-o.

76. - Actually has an element called tyrosine in it.

77. That is an element of the human brain

78. responsible for enthusiasm.

79. So...

80. - Oh, shit!

81. - You're about to get out of your mind with joy

82. about what you do.

83. - Jesus.

84. - Where can you obtain this?

85. - And it's only good if you pour it from this high.

86. - Look at that!

87. - Cacao!

88. Cacao!

89. - What does that remind you of?

90. It's beautiful!

91. - There's also MCT oil—

92. Hey, wait, the Trump tape!

93. The Trump tape!

94. It's out!

95. It's out.

96. Scenes from the Trump tape.

97. before I drink my cacao...

98. - Weird MIT shit.

99. You see that, the thing that sticks?

100. It sticks.

101. You gotta peel it off the goddamn table.

102. - Jim, I'm gonna forget this so I'm gonna say it right now.

103. Is that cool before...

104. And then we go right to the cacao thing?

105. - What's that?

106. - 'Cause it's something that you said that was really funny.

107. And it reminded me of that.

108. But there was a...

109. A big—

110. - I know whatever it is,

111. it just killed the energy in the room.

112. - You gotta kill it to get it back up.

113. - I see, I get it.

114. I get the challenge.

115. You're like that.

116. You're like that.

117. He'll take the whole room to hell,

118. just so he can climb back up the ladder.

119. - You went to Saturday Night Live,

120. and we were telling you the story

121. that you never heard of.

122. That most comedians have heard of

123. about Danny Thomas and his, his hobby.

124. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

125. - But you never heard of it,

126. which was surprising to all of us.

127. But then...

128. I'm not gonna way what it is but—

129. - Danny Thomas's hobbies?

130. - Danny Thomas had some predilections

131. when it came to lying down with the ladies.

132. - He liked glass tables, apparently.

133. - Ah!

134. - Apparently.

135. - So Jim had not known this, so we told him the story,

136. and he said instantly...

137. I thought it was such fast paced.

138. Thank you, sir.

139. He said that's the kind of guilt

140. that will make you build hospitals.

141. Now are you happy I did it?

142. - There can be no glass tables in this hospital!

143. I do not want to be reminded.

144. Oh, wait, this is good stuff, huh?

145. - Do you remember Jimmy...

146. - You don't wanna waste that.

147. - You're too young to remember Jimmy Seville.

148. He was also...

149. Cheers. - Cheers, man.

150. Cheers. - Cheers.

151. - There's also MCT oils,

152. MCT oil in this which carries blood past the...

153. Sorry, blood and oxygen past the blood-brain barrier.

154. So you won't get Alzheimer's.

155. - Joe Rogan didn't give you this, by any chance?

156. - No he didn't.

157. - Seems like a Rob Schneider guy.

158. - We just fight when we see each other.

159. - Oh, that's good.

160. - Holy God, that's amazing!

161. Holy God, yeah.

162. - Where can you get...

163. You just buy this in a store?

164. - Does anybody care if they share this with me?

165. Anyone wanna try it?

166. - Yeah, try some of this, it's pretty awesome.

167. - Anyone wanna try it?

168. - Pretty amazing.

169. - This is the other side of the cup,

170. just in case you've

171. heard rumors.

172. - Wow, I can taste the cacao.

173. - Yeah, isn't that?

174. It's cacao all over the place.

175. Yeah, holy cacao!

176. Holy cacao.

177. - That's a place that,

178. that was right near your apartment, Lojo.

179. They had that Bulletproof coffee.

180. - Yeah, I know, but this is like Bulletproof Plus.

181. - Yeah, that's Plus.

182. Plus it has ghee

183. which is purified butter.

184. And Himalayan salt.

185. And Stevia.

186. So it is the greatest drink that you can put in your body.

187. - What's ghee?

188. - Throw some booze in there and fuck it up, why don't ya?

189. - Seems you threw Stevia at the end.

190. That didn't sound good at all.

191. - No, but it's good, man, it's good.

192. Proof is in the pudding.

193. - Red dye number three.

194. And it's got from the plant of a...

195. - Soylent green.

196. - So I just wanna say

197. that I think this is the greatest show on television.

198. - Oh, listen to Jim!

199. - Honest to God.

200. Because we don't need frills any longer, right?

201. - No, I don't think we do. - Fuck the frills!

202. Let's just get to the point.

203. It's just people making sound.

204. That's all it is.

205. It's a nightlight, you know?

206. It's something that entertains you

207. and at the same time, like I can sit...

208. First of all,

209. you are the man.

210. You are my comedy choice.

211. Whenever I'm looking for something on YouTube

212. or whatever it is,

213. Norm is always my first comedy choice.

214. - Goddamn, that's nice.

215. - Yeah, and...

216. - Well, he's not that about you.

217. - But you can suck up a little bit of it.

218. I sit there naked,

219. just going like, "Why is this such a big deal?"

220. What's the big deal about this?

221. And I tune into Norm because,

222. because you're it, man.

223. - Oh, man...

224. - It's you and me, alone.

225. - Yeah, Canadians.

226. - When I'm alone with you,

227. you make me feel like I'm

228. young again.

229. - Here's two things we have in common.

230. One, that we're Canadian.

231. Two, I'd never met anybody who's...

232. My father's the same name as your father.

233. It was a weird name.

234. - Percy is your dad? - Yeah.

235. - I don't remember that.

236. - I'd never met anyone else who's named Percy.

237. - Remember when you came and visited the set of

238. Man on the Moon?

239. - Oh sure, yeah.

240. I was also in the film.

241. That's how I like to put it.

242. But I wasn't there, so I wouldn't know.

243. I wasn't there.

244. - I played Michael Richards

245. and he was in it!

246. He was in the scene.

247. - No, I wasn't in the film.

248. But when you came and had lunch with Andy,

249. who was dressed up as

250. the Psycho mom.

251. - That was the fuckin' greatest.

252. - He walked onto the set...

253. You go ahead.

254. - Well I'll start it—

255. - I like to listen. - But you can finish it.

256. We, uh...

257. We're with the late, great Wayne Flemming,

258. that we had talked about earlier,

259. Bob Zmuda,

260. Mr. Carrey and myself.

261. Up on, what's the name of the—

262. Universal Studios.

263. And so,

264. first of all, they had the...

265. We're up in the Psycho...

266. - Oh, yeah.

267. - And I'm is,

268. as you'd expect dressed up as

269. Norman Bates's mother.

270. - Well, I was Andy Kaufman dressed as Norman Bates's mother.

271. - He doesn't understand...

272. - I understand very well.

273. - We'll stay on the surface.

274. - Just agree with everything.

275. - Yeah, stay focused here.

276. - So, you know,

277. those people come along to see—

278. - On the tram.

279. - Hopefully they'll see a famous person.

280. And maybe they'll even see Jim Carrey.

281. - Or Wayne Flemming.

282. - But...

283. You don't have to add.

284. We're doin' fine.

285. So...

286. Jim...

287. They expect, "Oh, what if we saw Jim Carrey,"

288. they're probably thinking on this.

289. The biggest star in the world on this.

290. But they don't see Jim Carrey.

291. They see Norman Bates's mother

292. chasing them with a giant knife!

293. - That's right.

294. No, I had an ax that day.

295. - An ax, jumps—

296. - You're the first one I attacked.

297. - Yes. - You were the first one.

298. He came up to the Psycho house, actually walked up.

299. He said, "What, is Jim doing some funny stuff or something?"

300. And he walked up the stairs

301. and I came at him out of the dark

302. in the Psycho house with an ax.

303. And you were pretty terrified.

304. You were real terrified, actually.

305. You had no defenses whatsoever.

306. - No, man.

307. - If that had been real, you're a dead man.

308. - I felt like fuckin' Martin Balsam

309. with a camera that's going in and out or something.

310. Oh, this is fuckin' breaking.

311. But then you went after—

312. - The tram, the tram.

313. I climbed up on the back of the tram

314. and started wielding the ax over people's heads.

315. I think part of the tour to this day they talk about that.

316. - Now I also wanna say one other thing,

317. since it was brought up at the time.

318. And I saw a tiny little bit of it but...

319. Jim and Bob Zmuda both told me

320. the greatest practical joke of all time

321. that they hoped to make into a documentary.

322. And were having trouble with

323. a certain mansion.

324. You know the story I'm talking about?

325. - No.

326. - You know, you were having trouble at the mansion

327. where that old man hangs around.

328. - Oh, no, but he was cool, though.

329. Once I told him the story.

330. - You know what we're talking about?

331. - I have no idea what you're talking about.

332. - Think about a mansion with an old man

333. and a whole bunch of beautiful young girls.

334. - The Munsters?

335. Oh, yeah, Hefner!

336. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

337. - That's going with a joke—

338. He was masturbating to Aurora Monster Models.

339. Growing up.

340. I liked Vampirella, too.

341. Vampirella had me. - Vampirella's hot.

342. - She had me.

343. - So don't blow this story! - Got it, got it, got it.

344. - No, no, no, I was invited

345. during the making of Man on the Moon to the

346. Playboy Mansion.

347. Hef invited me up there for the Midsummer Night Dream party.

348. And—

349. - I like how all of his parties are so innocent.

350. It's just, big old fucking each other.

351. - Totally, exactly.

352. That's right.

353. - As You Like It.

354. - Cut to Star '80.

355. - You, Pauly Shore, and Jon Lovitz.

356. - And I wasn't on the planet.

357. At the time, I was being Andy Kaufman and Tony Clifton,

358. so they said, "Well, Jim isn't here right now,

359. "but can Tony come up, can he come up as Tony and play?"

360. And so Hef was like, "Great!"

361. They just said, "Just don't tell anybody.

362. "Don't tell anybody it's Jim Carrey."

363. Well about an hour later, we heard like—

364. - Of course he has no idea who...

365. - Reports out there that Jim Carrey

366. was gonna come to the mansion and stuff.

367. So Andy got pissed

368. and sent Tony.

369. But the real Tony,

370. the Tony Clifton who is the second Tony Clifton

371. is Bob Zmuda who's Andy's writer.

372. And he got into the old stuff again.

373. And he showed up at the mansion.

374. And Hef came out and did like 15 minutes with him!

375. - Just in case we've lost anybody,

376. you understand that

377. he was invited,

378. Andy Kaufman,

379. Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman

380. was invited to go to the Playboy Mansion.

381. Bob Zmuda ends up going to the Playboy Mansion

382. pretending to be...

383. - Tony Clifton.

384. - No, pretending to be Jim Carrey as Tony Clifton.

385. - So everyone's just fawning all over him.

386. Playboy girls are posing with him.

387. And Hef's there like, "Hey!

388. "They're all twins and they have no brain!"

389. - And I remember you telling me he'd introduce you going,

390. "James Caan, this is Tony Clifton.

391. "It's Jim Carrey."

392. - I remember Andy got insanely jealous because...

393. He was like, "How can he be a foot shorter?

394. "How can he be a foot shorter than he normally is?

395. "Nobody can act like that!"

396. So I stayed down at In-N-Out Burger

397. and I was eating burgers and fries and stuff like that

398. and milkshakes,

399. and keeping in contact with him,

400. and I showed up two hours later

401. in my pajamas

402. and walked in the door.

403. And Hef was standing there

404. with Jim Carrey/Tony Clifton, he thought,

405. and turned and looked at me and his face just went ashen.

406. He completely freaked out.

407. And there was instant chaos.

408. Tony was jacked up against a tree.

409. Like this.

410. And he pulled out the,

411. the lavaliere and said, "He's wearing a wire!"

412. - It's funny to hear the story with Zmuda and Jim

413. saying both their parts because

414. Zmuda's out in the alley getting the shit kicked out of him.

415. - I was saying, "Hey, don't rough him up too much.

416. "This happens to me all the time."

417. And then all night long, literally for hours,

418. Hef was coming around and saying, like,

419. "I don't know how that happened.

420. "The security at this place

421. is like the fuckin' White House.

422. I mean I just don't know!"

423. And I said, "Jesus Christ, I don't know.

424. They must be incredible pranksters, these guys.

425. I mean they got through my defenses completely."

426. - Well my favorite part of that whole book

427. was the Mr. X stuff, the Norman Wexler stuff.

428. - Oh, Wexler was amazing.

429. - I can only imagine what that must have been like.

430. - The stories of Wexler are incredible.

431. - You hear any cool stories from Bob?

432. - I did, I can't remember them well.

433. Bob told me a lot about Wexler

434. who was the writer of Saturday Night Fever

435. and Serpico and movies like that.

436. And he just was the

437. fuckin' most insane guerrilla-theater asshole

438. that ever walked the earth.

439. He just used his money...

440. It's like The Magic Christian,

441. that movie with Ringo Starr and Peter Sellers.

442. He just goes around to mess with people's heads.

443. And Zmuda and Andy were like that, too.

444. Zmuda and Andy used to go to movie theaters in New York

445. and they'd go to slasher films

446. and they'd sit in the balcony.

447. And during the moment where the slasher

448. was coming after the pretty girl and she would trip,

449. there'd be that moment of like, "Agh!"

450. A stoppage in the crowd.

451. During that silence, they would yell out,

452. "Cut her titties off!"

453. Like that.

454. And people would just go, "What the fuck?

455. "Who are we watching the movie with?"

456. "Cut her titties off!"

457. God, I wish you could see these faces.

458. I wish this wasn't a podcast.

459. - You sound like Donald Trump.

460. - Donald Trump?

461. - Yeah, show them, the audience!

462. - Donald Trump.

463. I gotta say, he's a big disappointment.

464. I don't know.

465. I was really pulling for him.

466. But he's a bit of a disappointment, I gotta say.

467. At this point.

468. At this point, I'm startin' to wonder.

469. - Two minutes, what the fuck?

470. - Two minutes isn't a good...

471. That's not enough for us.

472. - That means this is meaningless to everyone.

473. It was funny when you did standup

474. and they'd do some fuckin' thing and you go...

475. And then you just keep talking.

476. - No, I had a couple of two-hour nights.

477. - Sometimes they don't like, huh?

478. - One night at The Comedy Store I had a two-hour night

479. and then I got up at the end

480. after they had finally gotten rid of me to giant cheers

481. and I jumped up behind the piano and started singing

482. "I hate you all, you gave me cancer."

483. And I tracked the cancer from first growth of the first cell

484. at the beginning of my act.

485. And the inevitable death that I will suffer.

486. And I did suffer death!

487. - What could we do in two minutes?

488. With Jim.

489. - We can invent a new form of travel!

490. It workin'!

491. We could do this.

492. - Would you do that on...

493. Wait!

494. Would you do this on the Mary Tyler Moore show?

495. - It's Ronm Show!

496. It's The Ronm Show.

497. - Oh, cool.

498. Oh, you broke it, excellent.

499. Oh, man.

500. - I'm so sorry, man. - No, no.

501. What are these made out of?

502. - Oh, they're made of...

503. An indestructible alloy.

504. - You're Canadian, do you know...

505. This is an incredible thing I read.

506. The curling,

507. which we get excited about every four years.

508. That is not a renewable...

509. Do you know what those are made of, the curling stones?

510. - The stones?

511. - I don't really know.

512. - Aren't they goiter?

513. - I've always taken them for granite.

514. Hey, we'll be back with more...

515. In a moment.

516. Back with the inimitable Jim Carrey.

517. Imitable.

518. Imitator, inimitable imitator.

519. But apparently...

520. I don't know what happened.

521. I've developed quite a habit with the cell phone.

522. That's why I like to sandbag my arm every one in a while

523. to keep myself

524. from using it.

525. - So it's like when you do too much...

526. - Yeah, it keeps me from using the cell.

527. - Oh, it keeps you from using it, I see.

528. I see what you mean.

529. - Otherwise, I'm just ignoring you right now.

530. - Yeah, but couldn't you use your other finger to text?

531. - Nope.

532. - Oh, okay.

533. - I gotta pick my nose with that one.

534. - Oh, hey, Jim, before because we could have fun—

535. - Did you know that the zombie apocalypse has occurred?

536. This is what people are mistaken about.

537. There's all people talking about the zombie apocalypse.

538. - Yeah?

539. - You're the fuckin' zombies.

540. - Oh, the cell phone zombies.

541. - This is the fuckin' zombie.

542. This is the fuckin' zombie apocalypse, man.

543. - Wait, are you a...

544. - I am too, I'm one of the fuckin' zombies, man.

545. - Well if everyone's a zombie, there's no zombie apocalypse.

546. If everybody's a zombie, it's all cool.

547. - I guess.

548. You just market it to zombies.

549. - Yeah. - Yeah.

550. - Now, listen, Jim...

551. - Good evening.

552. Welcome to the All Zombie Network.

553. - Check this, Jim.

554. Executive produced, this is one person.

555. One person on this blue card

556. has all these things that he's presently...

557. Or she.

558. - Okay.

559. You can't say anymore.

560. - Or she.

561. - It's not right to say anymore.

562. - They.

563. - They. It.

564. - It.

565. Executive producer of Showtime's I'm Dying Up Here,

566. received the Generational Award

567. at the 2017 Just For Laughs Comedy Festival

568. Montreal in July.

569. A documentary, Jim & The Great Beyond -

570. The Story of Jim Carrey & Andy Kaufman

571. Featuring a Very Special,

572. Contractually Obligated Mention of Tony Clifton,

573. which has been accepted by the Venice

574. and Toronto Film Festivals.

575. A mini-documentary

576. that we were talking about earlier, I Needed Color,

577. on Jim and his love of painting

578. and sculpting.

579. And he has an upcoming art show in Las Vegas, Nevada

580. at the end of September.

581. Perhaps I was misinformed.

582. But if I am not,

583. then you're a very popular painter because

584. what I heard is

585. to be in the same room as the paintings

586. sets you back $10,000.

587. - Oh, uh...

588. I guess, I don't really...

589. I don't really organize that type of thang.

590. - But that's good, though.

591. - That's not my doing. - No, no.

592. - When they did it, I went, "Okay."

593. - But we were talking about—

594. - 10,000 bucks, it's a good start!

595. It's a good start.

596. - We were talking about Red Skelton who

597. Caesars had a big collection of his paintings,

598. which were all clowns.

599. - He was a fuckin' hack!

600. - How much to get in there?

601. - How much to get into where?

602. - Into the Red Skelton exhibit.

603. - Nothing, he would give you a shabby old hat!

604. From his chest.

605. - Do you know that he bought everything he ever did

606. and destroyed it?

607. - What?

608. - No.

609. - He bought the rights to everything he ever did.

610. You never see a Red Sketlon movie.

611. - No you don't.

612. - You never see a Red Skelton kinescope.

613. You don't see anything.

614. He just erased himself. - That's great!

615. - Why?

616. Do you have any idea why?

617. - Like...

618. Yeah.

619. The Invisible Man, he's gone!

620. He went away.

621. Do you know why?

622. I don't know why.

623. - Could be self hatred— - Let's figure it out.

624. He didn't know that he could do that without

625. leaving.

626. - He knew he was gonna leave.

627. - Well he knew he was gonna leave

628. but he didn't know that he could actually erase himself

629. without erasing his work.

630. Like, I'm erasing myself.

631. I'm not even fuckin' here right now.

632. I don't exist.

633. - Are you saying he lived in a time—

634. - I don't exist, I have no needs.

635. I don't need you people.

636. None of it.

637. Nothing.

638. I don't need approval from anybody.

639. I need

640. three squares a day.

641. - Yeah.

642. - Just to keep this thing alive

643. but there's no me involved.

644. Because I've crossed the river of tears.

645. - You don't have the typical

646. ego of the,

647. of the performer.

648. - I don't have an ego at all. - And you don't need anything!

649. All you've needed so far

650. is a little bit of

651. trail mix and a hooker—

652. - I'm needless in the universe, all I need is water.

653. - Whoa! - That was amazing!

654. - What a catch that was!

655. - And to drink it in interesting ways.

656. - Did you see that catch?

657. - That's what life is about.

658. It's a metaphor.

659. - Catching water?

660. - That's right. - That's impressive.

661. - Damn, that sounds like a Joaquin Phoenix movie.

662. - It's almost impossible.

663. You know what my next trick is?

664. - What's that, sir? - Strangling the ocean.

665. - As a bookend— - It's never been done.

666. - As a bookend to drinking the water.

667. - And I will do it eventually.

668. - Strangle the ocean?

669. - Strangle the ocean.

670. That's right.

671. - That seems poetic.

672. - Yeah, it is.

673. David Copperfield is out there going, "Hmm."

674. - You know what movie I love?

675. Goddamn, I love— - "He's joking but I'm not."

676. - I love Burt Wonderstone.

677. Loved that movie. - Oh, thanks.

678. - I saw that, I was like...

679. First of all I thought this can't...

680. You know I'm always wrong but I said this can't fail.

681. - Were you in that? - No.

682. - That's why I thought it couldn't fail!

683. You got the old-timey

684. magician that you root for,

685. the old corny guy.

686. Against you, the super,

687. Chris Angelo or whatever the guy is.

688. - Chris Angel.

689. - Huh? No, it's not Chris Angel, though.

690. That's not the really cool guy.

691. Who's the guy that...

692. - Brad Gest... aminsen?

693. - But you play one of the new guys.

694. At one point I believe you shoot a—

695. - Let's make sound.

696. That's your job.

697. Make a sound.

698. - He will, he will.

699. I believe at one point you shoot

700. a staple gun into your head.

701. - I drill myself in the head.

702. That's right, exactly.

703. - Oh, is that like Amazing Jonathan?

704. I think he used to do something like that.

705. - No, he plays a real magician.

706. Like a super-magician, one of these guys that like—

707. - Rock and roll, almost Jesus magician.

708. - You're just thinking of Chris Angel.

709. - Well I'm not thinking of Jonathan Katz!

710. - No, I said...

711. I said Harry Anderson.

712. I like Harry Anderson on the Cheers.

713. You know, he'd always do some trick at the beginning.

714. He'd go, "Put your dime under here.

715. "Now you say it..."

716. And the other guy goes like this and he takes the dime.

717. And I always figured in real life,

718. people would go, "Gimme my fuckin' dime back!"

719. - "Where's my fuckin' watch?"

720. "That was a gift!"

721. - It's not gonna be like,

722. "Goddamn, I'm 150,000 in fuckin'...

723. "How am I gonna pay this guy?

724. "Every time I go to the bar,

725. "double or nothing, I go for it!

726. "I'm like how could this guy take my watch

727. "if it's underneath the beer?"

728. - Maybe they were still focused on the razzing

729. they just got from Carla.

730. - I don't even know what that means.

731. I don't even know what that means.

732. Did I lose track of the story?

733. Was it me?

734. My tendency is to doubt myself first.

735. But I don't think so in this—

736. - You know this man runs the world-famous Comedy Store?

737. - I did not know that.

738. I've seen you around there

739. but I didn't know you were in charge of the whole thing.

740. - I just book it.

741. - But he's been very excited about

742. the project you're working on.

743. - Well, that's an amazing thing.

744. I feel so incredibly lucky to be the one

745. to bring in that

746. kind of place and time

747. to people's

748. attention.

749. It's wonderful. - I find it fascinating.

750. But anyways...

751. You know what we were gonna talk about?

752. - What?

753. - 'Cause you were saying, you know, life, about life.

754. - There is no life.

755. - But life brings you unexpected shit, too.

756. Look at your career.

757. - I have no career.

758. - Your career is—

759. - There's a career but there's no me.

760. If you take me out of that,

761. then fine.

762. - I'm sorry.

763. Oh, just the career.

764. - Yeah. - Okay.

765. - There's a career.

766. - The career begins with

767. a young man

768. who's an impersonator.

769. And I believe, like,

770. I believe probably all comics at some level

771. start out as impersonators.

772. When they're children.

773. - Impersonating bad behavior.

774. - And they watch funny people

775. and try to be like them,

776. so that's impersonating.

777. - That was the first phase

778. is impersonate anything that

779. made it to where you wanted to make it.

780. - Right, exactly.

781. - And so Rich Little was the first.

782. - Rich Little.

783. And Canadian.

784. - The first kinda human/doorway

785. that you looked at as a Canadian,

786. an apparent Canadian.

787. And, and you...

788. And you went, "Oh, that's the way to do it."

789. So you just imitated that.

790. So you're imitating an imitator.

791. - And often times with your brothers you'd be doing

792. Humphrey Bogart—

793. - So how far away from authentic was I?

794. It's crazy.

795. It's like two tiers back from authentic.

796. - So you'd be doing a person you'd never seen in a movie,

797. like Jimmy Cagney or something.

798. - Yeah, I'm going Louis Prima.

799. Who the fuck is Louis Prima?

800. I don't know Louis Prima!

801. - That's pretty good.

802. That's a pretty good Louis Prima.

803. - Not bad, right?

804. - What's that song?

805. - Louis Prima?

806. Buono Sera—

807. - He does that.

808. - So then—

809. - So much entertainment on this show.

810. - No, we weren't talking about Jim.

811. We were talking about the career.

812. So then the career, you're in Canada.

813. You're set up to be a big person.

814. The world's greatest impersonator.

815. But you're also funny.

816. Now say what you want about Rich Little.

817. Guy's not funny.

818. In between those goddamn—

819. - Yeah, he didn't take the leap into the river.

820. - Now I have seen impressionists do this, Jim.

821. Jim?

822. - Fuckin' keep that shit over there.

823. - Jim, I have seen impressionists do this.

824. - Fuckin' dog.

825. I'm gonna kick that ass.

826. That fuckin' dog is dead if it gets over here,

827. I swear to God.

828. I know it's not proper to say that kinda shit.

829. It's a cute, little dog to most people.

830. To me, that fuckin' dog is a football.

831. - I have seen impressionists do this.

832. They'll either only do impressions and in between

833. completely commit to being a Vegas impressionist.

834. They guy who presents the new guys.

835. - That's what killed me, I went to Vegas.

836. - You didn't want that. - I went to Vegas.

837. I saw Fred Travalena, I saw Rich Little

838. and Bob Anderson.

839. And they were all phenomenal impressionists

840. and I sat back and I, I think—

841. - Who was the third guy?

842. - Bob Anderson,

843. who used to do the ultimate Tony Bennett impression.

844. Phenomenal, phenomenal impressionist.

845. And I...

846. First of all, it was 200 fuckin' degrees outside.

847. I went, "This is where I wanna go?"

848. - You're talking about Vegas? - Yeah!

849. - Vegas, it was July, I got off the bus.

850. I was like, "Ah, desert isn't bad!"

851. I'm on the bus, I'm on a Greyhound.

852. I'm like, "Desert isn't bad."

853. There's air conditioning.

854. I didn't even think about it.

855. I walked off the bus and it was just...

856. It was just completely this fucking

857. heat barrier.

858. - Adam Eget, do you think you could do that?

859. - No.

860. - Try it, though, for the folks.

861. For the folks at home.

862. Come on, man.

863. - Can I see, how did it go again?

864. - Do it!

865. Okay, you're getting off the bus.

866. - I'm thinking, "This is pleasant."

867. - This is cool, it's so cool!

868. - Talking to a guy that's kinda smelly.

869. You're just about to step off the bus, you see Vegas.

870. There's the Saharan—

871. - Okay.

872. Well, that answers the question,

873. will Jim Carrey be directing any time soon?

874. That was very good.

875. - And the judges say, "Nada!"

876. - I'm curious how you got—

877. - But wait, I wanna continue my line of questioning.

878. - Please do it, I'm rapt.

879. - Because I do find other comedians

880. will in the absence of

881. a comedic character between their impressions

882. will sometimes fall into a voice

883. that I'm sure other impressionists could.

884. But you never had that.

885. - That's true, I...

886. never did...

887. Have that.

888. - Even though you were an incredible standup

889. and also a standup—

890. - I could leave all that behind if I wanted to.

891. 'Cause I'm my own man.

892. I'm a fuckin' original.

893. I'm a total original.

894. - The Bruce Dern.

895. Nobody better than Bruce Dern in The Cowboy.

896. One of the best movies—

897. I broke my arm twice.

898. I broke my leg three times.

899. And on the worst day, I could beat the hell outta you.

900. - Oh yeah, you think so, huh?

901. - Yeah, I think so.

902. - I ran two marathons in a row.

903. - Well, I believe— - Without even stoppin'!

904. I went from city to city.

905. And still nobody likes me!

906. - We have seen how you do when they come to the little ones.

907. I believe right now I'll walk away.

908. - Yeah, you walk away.

909. Turn around, you son of bitch!

910. - I won't turn around, you dirty son of a bitch.

911. I feel I shoulda turned around.

912. - I'll shoot you in the back.

913. - Can I rethink this?

914. - I don't know what I'm doing.

915. - Wasn't that rough, though?

916. And then cut to...

917. A grave, they're burying him, and you're like,

918. "John Wayne's not in the movie anymore?

919. "Rosco Lee Brown is the star of this film?"

920. - I fuckin' loved that.

921. I said, "Bury that cocksucker!"

922. I did.

923. I said, "Fuck that bloated fuckin' Republican asshole.

924. "Bury him."

925. - I bring this up because he just passed,

926. but you did such an incredible...

927. And I've never seen it anywhere else.

928. Impression of Don Rickles.

929. - I'll wait.

930. Oh, Don Rickles?

931. - And it's basically on the word "anyway".

932. You'd go, "Adam Eget's over here going...

933. "Anyway..."

934. Anyway...

935. - I do people's essences.

936. Don Rickles.

937. You don't need words. - That's like the handle.

938. - The what?

939. - The handle.

940. Isn't that what Downey was talking about, the handle?

941. - The handle?

942. - I don't fuckin' know.

943. - He's talking about something.

944. - You know what, there's something salvageable here.

945. It's not too late.

946. It's not too late for you guys.

947. - No, we want to talk about Dying Up Here,

948. 'cause you gotta be excited about it.

949. First of all the acting is...

950. Did you direct it, by the way?

951. - I did not direct it.

952. I did not, I'm producing.

953. - But you were there.

954. - I'm the spewmeister.

955. I go in there and go...

956. There's my life.

957. Can you make something out of that?

958. - Three of my greatest friends—

959. - I throw up LEGOs.

960. - I was so thrilled when I saw you guys cast

961. Santino, Griffin and Madrigal.

962. Those are three of my favorite people.

963. - You got all three of those guys?

964. - Well they came in and—

965. - No, they're all funny guys.

966. - Literally, a lot of the casting happened in one night.

967. And I hadn't been to The Comedy Store in 14 years.

968. And I had driven by it a jillion times.

969. - You had not been to The Comedy Store?

970. - I had not been for 14 years.

971. - And what explains that?

972. - I have no loyalty.

973. I just go, clunk, I'm this now.

974. - Jamie Masada offered five dollars more per set.

975. - That's right.

976. That's where I had to be.

977. That's where I had to be.

978. No, and I...

979. It was like one of the greatest nights ever of my life.

980. - It was so cool, everyone was thrilled.

981. - It was funny because back in the old days

982. there was those nights when Pryor came in

983. and stuff like that.

984. And you be like, I'd be 19 years old,

985. and I'm standing in the parking lot with Pryor

986. and all of that stuff was happening.

987. Everyone's surrounding him and

988. asking him questions and stuff.

989. And then I became that guy.

990. Not comparing myself to Pryor but,

991. but that guy for the young comics and it was just kind of

992. standing in the middle of a parking lot going,

993. "Wow, what a life.

994. "What a life this is."

995. - Is there where you...

996. I wanna come back to the impressionist thing.

997. - And we got all the guys literally in a night.

998. - That was so cool. - They just slaughtered me.

999. It literally slaughtered me.

1000. - Really? - And Dom Irrera.

1001. - Dom unhooked

1002. is one of the funniest things that can ever happen to you.

1003. - He's like Rickles, he's like Rickles.

1004. - He's beyond, he's beyond.

1005. 'Cause when he gets fed up,

1006. and unhappy to be there,

1007. it's gonna be so funny.

1008. - How many takes, though.

1009. Were you on set for any of his scenes by any chance?

1010. I heard there were quite a few takes

1011. for him to get one right.

1012. - Yeah, but who cares.

1013. - I love him so much. - It doesn't matter.

1014. Wraps of the essence.

1015. He doesn't exist anyway.

1016. - Do you do movies where there's one take?

1017. - No.

1018. - What are you, Frank Sinatra?

1019. - That's called I got better shit to do.

1020. - Exactly.

1021. - This was how decadent the Rat Pack became at the end.

1022. I was reading

1023. Dino, that Toches book.

1024. I'm sure read about Dino. - No, I didn't.

1025. - But anyways it became so— - I didn't read it.

1026. - It was very complimentary.

1027. - Of me?

1028. - No.

1029. Of the Rat Pack.

1030. - Oh, the Rat Pack.

1031. - When they did the movie...

1032. This is what I find problematic.

1033. You do a book, right?

1034. And Dean Martin's in it, Frank Sinatra,

1035. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford.

1036. Joey Bishop.

1037. - Uncastable, you can't. - How do you cast it?

1038. - How do you find a guy for Joey Bishop?

1039. - Joey Bishop, you got.

1040. But then, you're not watching—

1041. - Michael Cera.

1042. Joey Bishop.

1043. - Yeah, there's Michael.

1044. He got a shout-out.

1045. - Come on, man.

1046. - You're a hero of his.

1047. - Yeah!

1048. Well he is a—

1049. - He would be a fantastic Joey Bishop.

1050. - But then you're watching the show, and I go,

1051. "Hey, there's Dean Martin, one of my favorite guys.

1052. "Oh, no, it's Joe Mantegna."

1053. And then you go, "I wonder why all these ladies

1054. "are going so crazy for Joe Mantegna."

1055. And then you think the ladies go crazy for him.

1056. That's not until Ray Liotta walks in.

1057. And then Ray Liotta show up.

1058. Sinatra!

1059. No.

1060. No, he's not Sinatra.

1061. - I'm sorry, that's terrible, that's cruel.

1062. He's an amazing actor and I like him a lot.

1063. Greatest voiceover ever in history, by the way, right?

1064. Goodfellas.

1065. The voiceover by Ray Liotta.

1066. - Isn't that amazing? - Un-frigging-believable.

1067. - I wanna go right back

1068. and then we'll end the impressions completely.

1069. I didn't know you until you'd already made it in the States.

1070. And we'd all heard of you and everything.

1071. You came back once in a while

1072. to Canada.

1073. And...

1074. And...

1075. You had changed.

1076. I mean, the first time I met you,

1077. I go, "Oh my god, this guy's comedy savvy.

1078. "He has a very high comedy IQ."

1079. And Kinison was around.

1080. And Mike MacDonald and people were talking.

1081. And it was like, "Whoa, wait a minute,

1082. "this guy's not an impressionist.

1083. "This guy's like a comedian comedian."

1084. - It was that tough transition.

1085. - And for people that don't know,

1086. impressionists are not looked on highly

1087. generally in comedy clubs

1088. and have a tough time of it.

1089. - They're not encouraged to drop the impressions

1090. and become their own person.

1091. At all. - No, of course not.

1092. - In fact, I remember one time I was in Vegas.

1093. - You pay for Danny Gans.

1094. You're paying for James Cagney.

1095. - That's right, exactly.

1096. So I was in Las Vegas one time, I was opening.

1097. I was at the Dunes show at The Comedy Store.

1098. And... and the...

1099. And it wasn't going over so well.

1100. - I saw you at The Comedy Store!

1101. There used to be a Comedy Store, did you know this?

1102. - At the Dunes. - Not long ago.

1103. - I was robbed there, by the way.

1104. I was robbed there.

1105. - By a bandit? - By Mitzi?

1106. - Hilarious, by a bandit.

1107. By a female bandit, I think.

1108. - I bet it was a one-armed bandit.

1109. - Coulda been.

1110. Coulda been.

1111. On this episode, anyway.

1112. And yeah.

1113. No, I was playing the Dunes in Vegas,

1114. and I was listening to motivational tapes at the time.

1115. That was a big thing back then.

1116. Motivational cassettes in my Walkman.

1117. So I was laying on the bed

1118. in my underwear

1119. and I'm listening to

1120. "You are a winner.

1121. "And everything comes easily to you."

1122. And seagulls and stuff.

1123. I'm totally peaced out.

1124. And I fell asleep that way in my briefs.

1125. And I woke up to something rustling over to the side of me.

1126. And I saw what I thought at first,

1127. in a stupor, I woke up and I,

1128. I thought I saw a cat on the table or something.

1129. There was something furry on the table.

1130. But it wasn't on the table.

1131. The depth perception was off because I was sleeping.

1132. And then suddenly it was right in front of me.

1133. I was one of those...

1134. Like that.

1135. And it was a woman squatting on the floor beside my bed

1136. going through my wallet.

1137. She's squatting on the floor right next to me.

1138. Going through my wallet.

1139. Like this.

1140. And I leapt out of bed,

1141. threw my Sony Walkman fuckin' motivational tapes—

1142. - "Hope I didn't marry her!"

1143. - And I grabbed her

1144. and she immediately said,

1145. "I thought you were Frank!

1146. "They sent me up for Frank."

1147. That's their alibi, right?

1148. - No, they're thieves, they're thieves.

1149. - Oh, I see!

1150. - She said, "I'm a hooker," and whatever.

1151. And I didn't know who else was there,

1152. so I just kinda pushed her to the door

1153. and pushed her out into the hall which was open.

1154. And apparently there was guy waiting at the elevator.

1155. Her enforcer or whatever was waiting at the elevator

1156. with the door open.

1157. And they took me down to the mugshot office

1158. and I found her in the mugshots and stuff.

1159. They said, "Oh, yeah, she works all the hotels.

1160. "Did you put your deadbolt on?"

1161. And I said, "I probably didn't.

1162. "I was listening to motivational tapes.

1163. "And dreaming about being super successful."

1164. With my wallet splayed out on the nightstand beside me.

1165. - Did you put "Stay out, Irene"?

1166. - I didn't put the

1167. lock on

1168. and they just take the do not disturb sign and go

1169. - And they switch it.

1170. - Yeah.

1171. And they send a girl in.

1172. - Maybe she just sees "disturb".

1173. - Yeah, disturb.

1174. Right, exactly.

1175. Disturb this guy.

1176. She did disturb me.

1177. Anyway, that was a fantastic story.

1178. Now I can't do it on TV.

1179. Oh, we are on TV.

1180. - So when did you decide fuck it,

1181. I ain't gonna do no impressions for a while?

1182. Or did you?

1183. - Yeah, there was a moment in Vegas.

1184. That moment in Vegas when I saw the impressionists

1185. and I said, "This is Valhalla for an impressionist.

1186. "This is where you go, this is what the end-game is."

1187. And I went, "This can't be the end for me."

1188. - There is a Canadian performer right now

1189. Andre Philippe Gagnon

1190. - He's amazing!

1191. He's amazing.

1192. Incredible.

1193. But it's not what I wanted, so I quit.

1194. - It's not funny, it's not funny.

1195. - No.

1196. - See, I think impressionists are great when they're funny.

1197. I think you're funny.

1198. I think Dana Carvey's incredibly funny.

1199. I think guys who do funny impressions—

1200. - I saw Rich Little do Cary Grant for Cary Grant.

1201. And everybody and Cary Grant's table went...

1202. "He's got you down," like that.

1203. And that was the end for me.

1204. - You didn't wanna be that.

1205. - I was like that was it.

1206. No, no, no.

1207. - "You do me better than I..." blah blah.

1208. - Yeah, or they hate you.

1209. They hate to see themselves.

1210. - I've had people do impressions of me

1211. and they say the greatest form of imit—

1212. whatever the fuck that is.

1213. That's what I get, "Hey, I do you."

1214. Yeah, go ahead.

1215. I'm not retarded.

1216. They go, "Yeah, that's you."

1217. I go, "What?"

1218. - And they turn around before it, it's really scary.

1219. - I got you, right?

1220. You're like me, incoherent and

1221. drunk.

1222. - You should see the guy in the Legends show, though,

1223. that does you. - That does me?

1224. I was remember once—

1225. - I'm doing John Wayne Gacey in the Legends show.

1226. - You are?

1227. - Gonna be good.

1228. - Now will you be in the clown makeup?

1229. - Yeah, it's interchangeable.

1230. Anybody can play it, really.

1231. - With the clown makeup. - Yeah, of course.

1232. - So what do you do?

1233. - I sing all the children's songs.

1234. - You just have the clown makeup?

1235. And do you have a crawl space you bring with you?

1236. - I don't know, I haven't seen the show.

1237. - Every space is a crawl space for me.

1238. - That's true, if you wanna make it that way.

1239. That's a very good point.

1240. - I heard he used to invite kids

1241. in there to wrestle him.

1242. - This is a nice crawl space.

1243. - Was that you that told me that?

1244. - What's that?

1245. - On how he would get his victims,

1246. he would invite people in to wrestle him to challenge—

1247. - To wrestle him?

1248. Well, that wasn't the worst part.

1249. That wasn't the worst part of it.

1250. - The wrestling wasn't the problem.

1251. - Jesus Christ.

1252. - I always thought it was an odd way

1253. to lure people into his house.

1254. - To wrestle?

1255. - Yeah, he'd challenge them to a wrestling match.

1256. And they'd go in there and then—

1257. - But I don't wanna get into that.

1258. - Alright, that's fine.

1259. Brett said we had to take a break like an hour ago.

1260. - How did we get on this?

1261. - Do you know whose birthday this is, by the way?

1262. Albert Fish.

1263. - Oh, I think I've heard of him.

1264. - Yeah, I told you that.

1265. Oh, yeah, yeah.

1266. - This guy.

1267. For a little time in my life,

1268. I was a little obsessed with serial killers.

1269. - Oh, are you talking to me? - Yes.

1270. And there was this guy Albert Fish.

1271. He was a man in the

1272. early part of the previous century that was I think

1273. credited to be one of the biggest...

1274. Something about the first serial killers.

1275. And he was in New York City

1276. and they called him the "Gray Man",

1277. or the "Werewolf of Wysteria."

1278. They called him the Gray Man

1279. because one time they saw him

1280. and the police asked the woman

1281. how would you describe him.

1282. And the woman said,

1283. "He was gray, both of appearance and demeanor."

1284. And then the cop said, "A little less poetic."

1285. - Wow, that's crazy, man!

1286. - So they finally find him

1287. and then writes taunting letters.

1288. He was a cannibal.

1289. - Was he the first taunter?

1290. - First what?

1291. - Was he the first taunter?

1292. - Yeah, he taunted his victims.

1293. - Yeah, he sent taunting letters.

1294. And not only the first taunting letters

1295. but first badly spelled,

1296. badly spelled taunting letters

1297. which was Wysteria.

1298. And you get them and you go...

1299. - Was he a tantric taunter?

1300. Did he taunt like all day long?

1301. Or did he just taunt from time to time?

1302. Did he make the taunts last a long time?

1303. And save the killing?

1304. Save the killing for maybe once a month.

1305. - You never had experience with anything tantric, have you?

1306. - Of course.

1307. I'm completely into tantra.

1308. Do you know about—

1309. - I ask 'cause you're so physically gifted.

1310. - Stop interrupting me! - I'm sorry sir.

1311. Do you know about

1312. alchemical,

1313. sexual alchemy?

1314. - Sexual alchemy. - Yeah.

1315. - I know alchemy. - We're talking about tantra.

1316. - I made a lot of money on alchemy in the early '70s.

1317. - Do you know that the story of Jesus,

1318. how it's been altered in certain ways?

1319. I mean, yes, there's a guy.

1320. Yes, there was teachings, all of that stuff.

1321. But the Bible—

1322. - There wasn't only just a guy.

1323. - No, no, well, okay.

1324. - Let's not reduce it too much.

1325. - Well he's not even that, actually.

1326. Christ consciousness is something

1327. that, yeah, he was aware of.

1328. And so...

1329. But the parallel between that and alchemical sex

1330. is that—

1331. - I'm sorry, alchemical sex?

1332. Alchemical! Yes, I'm sorry.

1333. - Alchemy, sexual alchemy is...

1334. There's 33 vertebrae in your spine.

1335. There's 33 years in the life of Jesus.

1336. Okay?

1337. - So far, it sounds like a coincidence.

1338. - Okay, it could be a coincidence.

1339. There is a substance or liquid or,

1340. you know, a substance that comes from your medulla,

1341. which is basically

1342. completely looks like the Ark of the Covenant.

1343. Has angel's wings around it, the whole thing.

1344. Your medulla's shaped like that.

1345. - Now was this what Michael Jackson

1346. used to call Jesus Juice?

1347. - Yeah.

1348. No, no.

1349. Not the same.

1350. Not the same.

1351. It won't get the kids into the bedroom.

1352. - Well then what good is it?

1353. - So this substance comes from your medulla,

1354. makes the trip down your spine

1355. into your sacrum which is...

1356. - Quick get a dictionary.

1357. - Christ coming down into human form.

1358. And if you don't squander that essence, that sexual essence,

1359. it ascends again and goes back up to heaven.

1360. Which is your thing.

1361. It's also the story of Santa Claus.

1362. Why he comes down the chimney is because

1363. this juice or whatever substance actually passes

1364. what's called the claustrum,

1365. which is where they got Santa Claus.

1366. So it goes down the chimney and back up again.

1367. It's all very freaky shit.

1368. - That's wild.

1369. - So you believe without a doubt

1370. if Jesus had existed

1371. in the form that

1372. he was given, that he was a sexual being?

1373. - No, I didn't say that.

1374. I think he probably saved it.

1375. You know, so that he could be clear.

1376. So that he could be sharp.

1377. - Like Ali or...

1378. - Just like a fighter. - L. Ron Hubbard.

1379. - Just like tantric sex.

1380. Tantric sex is about that.

1381. It's about being your sharpest and more virile.

1382. - I have never been in the bedroom...

1383. I'll tell you this, I used to sprint when I was young.

1384. Maybe you can tell me if I'm anywhere close.

1385. I used to run the track, 800 meter.

1386. Full speed, right?

1387. - I heard you were an ass-kicker, too.

1388. - I was pretty fast.

1389. - No, I heard you were a rough character.

1390. I did.

1391. I heard stories, man. - That's different.

1392. - No, no, no, I heard stories about Norm

1393. where a drunk guy comes up to you at a bar and goes,

1394. "Hey, aren't you Norm?"

1395. And he's gone.

1396. He's just suddenly gone.

1397. Norm's back at the bar going,

1398. "Hey!

1399. "What happened?

1400. "What happened to that guy?"

1401. - That's not bad!

1402. That's pretty good.

1403. - No, I got you down.

1404. Yeah, so you're kinda in here somewhere.

1405. - Yeah, that's pretty good.

1406. - I don't have to reach too far.

1407. - He doesn't sound like he's retarded.

1408. - There's always a sardonic smile on his face.

1409. No matter what the emotion.

1410. - Do not break it down too much.

1411. Oh my god.

1412. Where was I?

1413. - I don't know but they've been

1414. holding that up for 40 minutes.

1415. - No break, I had an interesting—

1416. - Oh my god, where was I?

1417. - I forgot what we were talking about.

1418. - We were talking about sexual alchemy.

1419. Do you know what monasticism is really about?

1420. - I was telling you about running around the 800 meters.

1421. And if this has anything to do with—

1422. - Monasticism, I'll jump in.

1423. - I have trouble relating this

1424. sexual alchemy

1425. and waiting and waiting and waiting.

1426. - You're probably into black tantra.

1427. - Well, anybody that knows anything about me

1428. knows that I'm into black tantra.

1429. I ran that 800 and I ran it fast.

1430. And afterwards I'd be dead, you know?

1431. And I'd walk up and there'd be water,

1432. would be pouring out of the little thing

1433. that we used to have.

1434. And— - Spigot?

1435. - Yeah, only white people could drink out of it.

1436. - It is a spigot?

1437. - And the water as you turned it,

1438. it would get colder and colder.

1439. - There's no S on there.

1440. - It would get colder and colder, right?

1441. I would wait until the water got really cold, I'd feel it.

1442. And I would just let it run

1443. and I'd walk around that there

1444. water fountain.

1445. And I wouldn't let anyone near it

1446. because that was my water, right?

1447. Waited till it got so cold and I wanted it so bad.

1448. - Did you say, "Wah! Wah!"

1449. - One time I waited an hour.

1450. And then I fuckin'...

1451. - You waited an hour to drink?

1452. - I put my whole face in the water,

1453. fuckin' down my throat, fuckin' come...

1454. Not cum but...

1455. - Well, you know, when it mixes with the cum.

1456. The water is mixing with the cum.

1457. - No, no, I meant—

1458. 'Cause you've just splooged all over yourself

1459. around like mile three.

1460. - It's a liquid, it was water.

1461. - Look at him, he's crossing the finish line!

1462. Perfect!

1463. Woo!

1464. Woo!

1465. - Why does it have to be dirty, everything?

1466. - You gotta take a break.

1467. - There's a guy...

1468. - He's showered himself with his own semen!

1469. He must be tantric!

1470. - If I could bring this back a little to normalcy.

1471. - Most people blow their load around the second...

1472. - We don't wanna talk about this.

1473. There was a guy...

1474. I worked on a TV show.

1475. And we were all writers. - Quit braggin'!

1476. - And the writers...

1477. There was one girl

1478. who was the assistant who was so gorgeous but

1479. no one could get her.

1480. And one night— - No one could get her?

1481. - But one time a guy did.

1482. And he was the lowest guy, the PA of the show.

1483. - Oh, see! - So he got her.

1484. So people found out.

1485. They went, "Oh my god!"

1486. And they called him into the writer's room, and he's all...

1487. Nobody's even noticed this guy.

1488. And he's so...

1489. And they're like, all the writers are kind of, you know,

1490. shabby people.

1491. - Give us your fingers, buddy.

1492. - Exactly!

1493. And they were like, "Tell us more!"

1494. So the guy's like all excited

1495. 'cause no one's ever noticed him, you know.

1496. And was like, "Oh, well, I was just dancing with her.

1497. "And I said, 'Do you want me to drive you home?'

1498. "She said yes and then we..."

1499. And then everybody's like, "Yeah, then what?"

1500. "Well, she was really like aggressive."

1501. "Then what, then what?"

1502. You know, he's getting real excited.

1503. He's like, "Fuck it!

1504. I started fucking her, I pulled out my cock!

1505. Fuckin' shot all over her tits, fuckin' licked it up."

1506. Everybody's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

1507. And he's like, "What, what happened?"

1508. He thought everyone did that.

1509. - I thought you wanted me to share!

1510. - He thought everyone did that

1511. and then four days later he got fired.

1512. No one wanted to look at him.

1513. But anyways, we gotta get clean.

1514. So we should take a break and cleanse ourselves.

1515. We're back with Jim Carrey.

1516. Here's the thing about Zmuda.

1517. - Who doesn't wanna do jokes?

1518. - Jim, we're not doing jokes.

1519. - Oh, good.

1520. - This is what, I love Zmuda.

1521. - Do you? - Because I like how he—

1522. - Why don't you tantric sex him?

1523. Why don't you make it last all day long?

1524. - We had someone on Saturday Night Live

1525. who was into tantric sex and also into—

1526. - Sting?

1527. - I didn't say his name.

1528. - I guessed it.

1529. I guessed it!

1530. I go to the lightning round!

1531. - So this unnamed person on Saturday Night Live—

1532. - You know, I'm sorry.

1533. Some of these things don't translate

1534. when I do them physically.

1535. But in my mind, they're fuckin' incredible.

1536. Like I just fuckin' shoot off

1537. in a rocket fuckin' powered seat

1538. that just flies into the audience and shit.

1539. If you knew what's inside of here,

1540. you guys would all be fuckin' running to the car.

1541. - That's funny you say that

1542. because you more than anyone do.

1543. - What?

1544. - What you were saying.

1545. If I do something,

1546. I think I'm making these faces.

1547. And I look at it that night, I made no face at all!

1548. It was all inside me.

1549. In my mind I had a face.

1550. I was sad!

1551. Sometimes I've been sad!

1552. - You might have had a stroke.

1553. You might have had a stroke at some point.

1554. Sometimes they're subtle.

1555. They're subtle.

1556. The first thing that goes is facial expressions.

1557. And you end up like this the whole time.

1558. - But I will say this.

1559. I don't know I you've seen

1560. Kirk Douglas lately but it hasn't hurt his comic timing.

1561. - That is fuckin' amazing.

1562. I like the look, whatever it is.

1563. - Now you could probably do him.

1564. - Kirk Douglas?

1565. That was great!

1566. See, now we're doing essences.

1567. We're going essences.

1568. You do Kirk Douglas and I'll do...

1569. We'll do a scene together of essences

1570. of Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster.

1571. Go.

1572. It's a war movie.

1573. We're in the bunker.

1574. And you be Kirk Douglas.

1575. - Are you my commanding officer?

1576. - Yeah, that's right.

1577. - Or are you just a grunt?

1578. It looks like you're a grunt.

1579. Listen, grunt!

1580. - No, you don't do the voice.

1581. Just do the essence.

1582. - Oh. .

1583. Just like the grunt. - Oh, I see.

1584. - I guess we didn't need the whole part about the war movie.

1585. We really didn't matter.

1586. - He gave himself the great one.

1587. Do you forget how to do impressions?

1588. You remembered the Bruce Dern immediately.

1589. - I love doing impressions

1590. and I love gettin' a dog cookie afterwards.

1591. - I know.

1592. - Did you ever do James Mason?

1593. He was always my favorite. - I love getting a belly rub.

1594. - There are some guys that—

1595. - I love people to go, "You're a clever dog!

1596. "You do tricks that we enjoy!"

1597. - But Steve Martin plays the banjo.

1598. There are guys that are incredibly...

1599. You do art.

1600. There's guys...

1601. There are impressionists that were very funny.

1602. There was Frank Gorshin.

1603. Very, very funny guy.

1604. Peter Sellers.

1605. - Peter Sellers, he wasn't an impressionist, though.

1606. He was a character actor.

1607. Hilarious characters.

1608. - I bet he was an impressionist.

1609. I did Clouseau my whole life growing up.

1610. - Here's something I heard that's interesting.

1611. That in the movie Being There,

1612. he was doing an impression the entire time

1613. of the comedian Stan Laurel.

1614. - Yes.

1615. Yeah, he was.

1616. - Pretty cool.

1617. - I hope it was as interesting for you

1618. as it was for us.

1619. - What do you think of...

1620. I don't think you've ever done this.

1621. - I love the outtakes of that movie

1622. where he's cracking up about Raul and stuff.

1623. - What do you think of guys that remake movies

1624. that are near perfect to begin with?

1625. Or just the idea of doing it?

1626. - I wanna kick them in the fuckin' face.

1627. I mean let's not...

1628. I don't wanna make any bones about it.

1629. When guys make movies that are good over again,

1630. they should be fuckin' shot in the fuckin' face.

1631. - But the best movie.

1632. Like let's say a guy comes up to you.

1633. Says we wanna do...

1634. Sgt. Bilko.

1635. With you.

1636. Instead of Phil Silvers.

1637. - For a third time they're gonna redo Sgt. Bilko?

1638. - I would

1639. reach into my pants,

1640. grab a handful of my own shit,

1641. and wipe right in their face.

1642. - That's the obvious answer but...

1643. So you have no opinion on that.

1644. Oh, don't do that...

1645. - How do you know there's gonna be shit there?

1646. There's always shit there.

1647. - Jim, I've been trying to...

1648. He's been asking every guest this and I try to...

1649. I tell him stop!

1650. He has this question he always asks people.

1651. "Where do you get your ideas?"

1652. - I hate fuckin' prepared shit!

1653. I hate when people prepare!

1654. - And I say I hate when you ask a comic

1655. where he gets his ideas.

1656. It's embarrassing to me.

1657. I don't like to hear that question.

1658. - There's no me.

1659. I've been telling you this whole time.

1660. There are ideas that happen, things happen.

1661. I have nothing to do with it.

1662. You have nothing to do with it.

1663. - So do you have any other questions?

1664. There's no Norm Macdonald.

1665. - Do you have any other question after hearing that?

1666. - Norm Macdonald is a name.

1667. He has a religion.

1668. He has a nationality.

1669. He has a hockey team that he loves.

1670. - Then that's exactly what I wanna know.

1671. - These are the fucking

1672. abstract fuckin' building blocks

1673. that he cobbles together

1674. into some sort of pseudo fuckin' personality!

1675. That can be identified by the police!

1676. Jesus.

1677. - So what's the question?

1678. - There's no him.

1679. - Why do you think Canadians are so funny?

1680. - There are no Canadians!

1681. There is only a zone that is colder than here.

1682. - That's very true.

1683. - Someone has drawn a line around it.

1684. - I don't see you as a fan of nationalism.

1685. - No, I'm not a nationalistic person

1686. because I'm not a fucking person!

1687. - Right.

1688. - But—

1689. - Not even a person.

1690. - No.

1691. There is a relative, you know,

1692. manifestation, obviously, happening that we're all...

1693. It's pretty fucking convincing

1694. at times.

1695. So when I cross the border, I have some papers.

1696. There are papers with me.

1697. Yeah.

1698. But, you know,

1699. I'm not gonna like...

1700. I'm not gonna suddenly go across the border in Canada

1701. and go, "Woo!

1702. "Fuck, was that a pain in the ass!

1703. "Come on, guys, I love ya!"

1704. - 'Cause he was excited for me.

1705. He's like, "Where do get these papers?"

1706. He still thinks

1707. you're talking about vanishing.

1708. - Yeah.

1709. He's not talking about vanishing physically.

1710. - I don't follow.

1711. - Jesus Christ.

1712. - Wait, Steve Oden... didn't Steve...

1713. Something happened there.

1714. - Who? - Steve?

1715. - Steve Odenkirk?

1716. - Steve Odenkirk did what?

1717. - Not Steve, who directed—

1718. - Steve Odenkirk wrote his movie!

1719. - He gave away all his earthly possessions.

1720. - No that was

1721. Tom

1722. Shadyac.

1723. - Oh, that's it!

1724. - He didn't give away all his earthly possessions.

1725. - Everything but four billion.

1726. - But is that similar to what you're talking about?

1727. Did he...

1728. - No, I have tons of shit.

1729. There's tons of stuff with Jim Carrey's name on it.

1730. And there's money in the bank

1731. and there's lots of good stuff.

1732. We need in this relative manifestation

1733. but I have nothing to do with it.

1734. - What do you think of this, Jim?

1735. - No, I won't.

1736. I won't think.

1737. - Richard Pryor was how many years ago?

1738. 50-something, right?

1739. - Died when?

1740. - Richard Pryor

1741. was at his peak maybe 50 years ago or something.

1742. Andy Kaufman died before I even was in comedy.

1743. Isn't it odd that the greatest comedian and the greatest

1744. whatever you would call that meta-comedian or...

1745. - Performance artist comedian.

1746. - Lived so long ago

1747. and nobody's even come close to them.

1748. In most art,

1749. this is not true.

1750. - But you know what's amazing

1751. is that none of it matters.

1752. Ultimately.

1753. No matter what happens.

1754. No matter if another great comedian never comes along.

1755. It's not gonna fuckin' matter at all

1756. from 500 feet up.

1757. - From 500 feet up?

1758. - Yeah, from up there, it's like,

1759. yeah, whatever.

1760. - But what will matter? - Did you ever watch like...

1761. - Nothing.

1762. We don't matter at all.

1763. This is just a trip we're on and it's fun—

1764. - But how can you answer any of these questions

1765. that are on the blue cards given that...

1766. - No, you can in a relative sense—

1767. - Well that's what I'm asking.

1768. In a relative sense,

1769. even though there's no meaning to it,

1770. it's a fact.

1771. And why do you think in the 50 years that

1772. Pryor has not been eclipsed?

1773. - Because

1774. there hasn't been a comedian

1775. that grew up in a brothel

1776. and was forced to suck somebody's dick

1777. and was beaten and was, you know, tortured.

1778. You know, we all come from...

1779. You know, comics come from a certain level of torture

1780. or abandonment or whatever.

1781. You probably had a sick mom.

1782. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1783. - I can pretty much do that test

1784. with every comedian that ever lived

1785. has a sick mom.

1786. - I don't think she's sick.

1787. The doctor said she's more—

1788. - I see what's coming.

1789. - No.

1790. I'm not a doctor!

1791. I said how's she doing?

1792. - No, but I mean was she mentally ill?

1793. - I don't think so.

1794. My doctor said she is more

1795. virus than host at this point.

1796. I don't know this gobbledy-gook!

1797. - You're the virus.

1798. You're the virus, she's the host.

1799. - You ever worry about maybe it's—

1800. - No, you're the host now.

1801. - Yeah!

1802. You ever, when you say—

1803. - Most comics come from a needful parent

1804. or something like that.

1805. - Speaking of Canadians, the great Canadians or great...

1806. - You're not even listening to me, are ya?

1807. - The people that live in the universe.

1808. - Yeah?

1809. - Were you a fan of Leonard Cohen?

1810. - I am such a sick Leonard Cohen fan.

1811. Like literally two days ago

1812. I'm painting with Leonard Cohen.

1813. - Oh, really? - All the time.

1814. - A painting of Leonard Cohen?

1815. - No, no, painting with that music on.

1816. I love that music so much.

1817. - He is amazing. - Incredible.

1818. - I did one of the dumbest things ever.

1819. I was in Montreal.

1820. - Tell me your embarrassing Leonard Cohen story.

1821. - I did a goddamn

1822. Comedy Nest, it was a comedy club.

1823. Leonard Cohen used to go there.

1824. I didn't know who he was.

1825. And he'd wear a beret and a long thing.

1826. And I was like, ehh. - He's losing it.

1827. - They go, "He's a poet.

1828. "And he's really good."

1829. And I'm like, ehh.

1830. "He likes you."

1831. I'm like, "That's good, I don't think

1832. "I wanna hang out with a poet."

1833. And then

1834. a few...

1835. It took about two years,

1836. and then I listen to an album,

1837. I'm like, "Holy shit, that's that guy!"

1838. And then there's no finding him.

1839. No finding him then.

1840. I phone, I go, "Hey,

1841. "remember that guy, I wanna be his friend,"

1842. to the comedy club owner.

1843. He goes, "I'll reach out to him."

1844. He phones back, he goes, "He said no."

1845. - That's beautiful!

1846. Isn't it great 'cause, you know,

1847. I mean you get a lot of props when you're a comic,

1848. when you're popular and stuff like that.

1849. You get a lot of people who are like,

1850. "Oh my god, this guy is like my favorite.

1851. "And he loves me, it's fantastic, feels good."

1852. And they pop off the movie screen or whatever

1853. and they become your friend.

1854. It's insane, you can't believe it.

1855. I'm literally black and blue from pinch-me moments.

1856. But every once in a while,

1857. someone you really admire hates your guts.

1858. - You met the great—

1859. - Let me, let me, let me tell you.

1860. Okay, it's, it's, it's,

1861. it's the creator of Bugs Bunny.

1862. Hated me.

1863. - Mel Blanc?

1864. - No, Chuck Jones.

1865. - Oh, the funny one!

1866. Chuck Jones hated my guts.

1867. - Goddamn, that doesn't make any sense to me because—

1868. - That hurt for a minute.

1869. That hurt for a minute.

1870. I believed I was real for one minute.

1871. - I feel like you would be the only—

1872. For one minute, I was like...

1873. That's not nice.

1874. I watched Bugs Bunny my whole childhood.

1875. - Were you on Duck Factory? - And he hated me.

1876. Huh?

1877. - Were you on Duck Factory at the time?

1878. - No, this was later.

1879. This was later.

1880. It was on his deathbed or something, last thing he said.

1881. "Tell Jim Carrey...

1882. "I fucking hate him!

1883. "I cannot sanction his buffoonery!"

1884. That's what Tommy Lee Jones said to me too.

1885. He couldn't sanction my buffoonery.

1886. - He couldn't...

1887. - He couldn't sanction my buffoonery.

1888. - What movie is this?

1889. - That's when we did Batman together.

1890. - Wait, you were the star, though.

1891. - I was the star, yes.

1892. And that was the problem.

1893. - Did you ever have this problem—

1894. - Phenomenal actor, though.

1895. - With guys who are like, "I'm a better actor

1896. "than this fucking movie star."

1897. Did you ever get that? - No.

1898. Because there is no me.

1899. - I mean, the guy that Tommy Lee Jones was talking to.

1900. - Oh, the guy that Tommy Lee Jones was talking to.

1901. It was at a restaurant.

1902. You know,

1903. the maitre d' said,

1904. "I hear you're working with Tommy Lee Jones.

1905. "He's over in the corner having,

1906. having dinner."

1907. And I went over.

1908. I said, "Oh, yeah, great."

1909. I went over and

1910. I said, "Hey, Tommy, how you doing," like that.

1911. And the blood just drained from his face.

1912. Like he had been thinking about me 24 hours a day.

1913. - You had already done the movie?

1914. - No, it was before the biggest scene

1915. we have together in the movie,

1916. and the blood just drained from his face.

1917. And he got, he started shaking.

1918. And he got up went...

1919. Like this.

1920. He must have been in mid-kill-me fantasy

1921. or something like that.

1922. He was like...

1923. Like this, and we went to hug me and he said,

1924. "I... hate you."

1925. "I really don't like you."

1926. Like that.

1927. And I said, "Gee, man, what's the problem?"

1928. And I pulled up a chair,

1929. which probably wasn't smart.

1930. And he said, "I cannot sanction your buffoonery."

1931. - My theory on that would be

1932. that he's a famous guy.

1933. He used to be the center of attention.

1934. You walk into a room,

1935. he's not the center of attention.

1936. - He might have been uncomfortable doing that work, too,

1937. that's not really his style of stuff,

1938. you know what I mean?

1939. - Like No Country For Old Men.

1940. - He cashed the check, baby. - That's right!

1941. - Playing Harvey Dent.

1942. - That's right.

1943. - He was playing Harvey Dent.

1944. - I just guessed.

1945. - That was a great guess, that's right.

1946. - Absolutely, nice job.

1947. Here's a cookie!

1948. - Anyway.

1949. - These little victories.

1950. - Yeah, it's all little victories.

1951. - Get out now, get out now!

1952. - You're a man who's very...

1953. You're still a young kid, too.

1954. You're an incredibly funny guy.

1955. You've proven almost everything.

1956. - So why am I working so hard?

1957. Why am I trying so hard?

1958. - I think you're doing things you love now, though.

1959. - No, I am, it's true.

1960. There's no pressure whatsoever.

1961. I truly am kind of needless in the universe.

1962. I'm just doing, 'cause doing is happening.

1963. - And do you find that since you're

1964. afforded this luxury of

1965. not having to work,

1966. it gives you more free time

1967. to think up these fuckin' batshit crazy ideas you have?

1968. - Yeah.

1969. Yeah, you know.

1970. I go down all kinds of little crazy paths, absolutely.

1971. I learn a lot and, you know,

1972. I truly believe, especially if you've made it,

1973. especially if you've become a big thing,

1974. that you owe it to people

1975. to get the fuck out of their faces.

1976. To get away

1977. and not be in their face all the time.

1978. - On a small note,

1979. I remember when I started—

1980. - To go and learn something else and go away...

1981. - Everybody wanted to do three-hour sets.

1982. When I started, it was this macho thing.

1983. People don't wanna see three-hour movies,

1984. you know what I mean?

1985. But your ego's so, "I'm doing more."

1986. - Well also you get into the place

1987. of not wanting to lose your

1988. place in the status-sphere, I call it.

1989. You don't wanna fall from that power place.

1990. There's been several times now

1991. in my life or career where

1992. I got to a certain level and I went,

1993. "Okay, now I'm gonna get away.

1994. "I'm gonna just go away for a couple of years."

1995. And this time, you know,

1996. the art and sculpting and all that stuff happened.

1997. Every time out,

1998. it's kinda like

1999. wanting to

2000. sever my right arm to learn how to write with my left.

2001. So people get pissed off.

2002. They go, "What the fuck are you doing?

2003. "You're not doing any movies.

2004. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

2005. I'm off learning how to write with the left.

2006. And then when I do, and I got a new trick,

2007. then I come back and I sew this one back on.

2008. And then they get kinda both, you know.

2009. And I can show them something different

2010. as well as the old thing that I still don't mind doing.

2011. - Do you think, like, if movies,

2012. if they happen in the future will be—

2013. - If?

2014. - If you want to, I meant.

2015. - If?

2016. - If you want to. - No, I'm kidding.

2017. - You might be an artist that has no time for movies.

2018. An artist as it's colloquially used.

2019. - What the fuck is he talkin' about?

2020. - I have absolutely no idea.

2021. - But...

2022. Do you think it would be

2023. a dramatic movie or a comedic movie

2024. that would be your forte for the rest of your career?

2025. - I don't care. - Doesn't matter?

2026. Do you see any distinction between a comedy and a—

2027. - No.

2028. I don't care.

2029. Nothing about that.

2030. I just want interesting things to happen.

2031. Interesting relative manifestations of consciousness.

2032. - What's your favorite movie?

2033. - My favorite movie?

2034. Network, Paddy Chayefsky.

2035. You know.

2036. Fantastic.

2037. Every scene in that movie is a smorgasbord.

2038. You know.

2039. And now that I'm a little older, too,

2040. you can look back on that movie and see

2041. William Holden and Faye Dunaway in the kitchen scene

2042. and he's saying like,

2043. "I'm closer to the end than to the beginning.

2044. "For me, death has become a real thing

2045. "with definable features."

2046. I mean, fuck!

2047. Who writes that?

2048. That's incredible.

2049. I mean, that's incredible.

2050. Every scene is like that. - I wish I could do his voice.

2051. He has one of the greatest voices ever.

2052. That voice will get you Stephanie...

2053. - Powers?

2054. - Stephanie Powers pussy.

2055. - No, he was an old guy, he was 90.

2056. Stephanie was 28.

2057. What I was gonna ask you though was,

2058. who is the most enlightened person that you've ever met?

2059. Is there

2060. a figure that you've looked up to

2061. and learned from in your personal life?

2062. - I have a ton of people.

2063. Ton of great teachers.

2064. Eckhart is great, Eckhart Tolle is great.

2065. I know some of them, friends with some—

2066. - Oh, you know them, personally?

2067. - Yeah, yeah.

2068. A good friend of mine, Jeff Foster,

2069. who's a young guy,

2070. but he's really got a perspective on things

2071. it's incredible.

2072. You should check out his

2073. dissertation on depression.

2074. It's really incredible.

2075. Super enlightening about it.

2076. His concept is that

2077. the word "depressed" means "deep rest".

2078. That basically, you know,

2079. depression is your body

2080. a natural occurrence

2081. rather than...

2082. There's times when you have to medicate when it's dire.

2083. - Or it's Friday.

2084. - Yeah, right.

2085. Or where you have to medicate because you're in trouble.

2086. But mostly just understanding that

2087. depressed means your body needs deep rest

2088. from the character that you've been playing in the world.

2089. And most of us walk around with...

2090. We're trying to be...

2091. Appear successful and appear not broken

2092. and all those things.

2093. And we keep that up for a while

2094. and your body goes "fuck you"! - It's exhausting.

2095. - It just takes your legs out from under you and

2096. it's an amazing thing.

2097. He's great and—

2098. - Do you think he went like, "Depressed."

2099. "Deep..."

2100. - He was probably playing Hangman at the time.

2101. - The great Jim Carrey

2102. has been our guest.

2103. On his, yeah.

2104. Love you, baby.