Norm Macdonald Live 3x13

1. - Well, Adam Eget.

2. - Yeah?

3. - It's another show, another day, another show.

4. - Absolutely.

5. - And there's all this stuff in the news lately,

6. fake news, real news.

7. - Sure.

8. - Now you know that, you know who it was

9. who coined the term "fake news" originally?

10. - Kip Addotta.

11. - No, it was me.

12. - Oh, it was you, oh yeah, Weekend Update.

13. - Yeah, Weekend Update.

14. But now it's a real thing, fake news, real news.

15. So, I have a thought what I'd do is collect

16. some news segments.

17. And you see if you think this is real news or fake news.

18. - I follow.

19. - You used to jerk off punks under the Queensboro Bridge

20. for 15 bucks a man.

21. - Fake news.

22. - Nope, that's real news. - Ah, fuck me.

23. - Sorry.

24. - All right, 0 for one, let's go.

25. - I wish.

26. Real news or fake news, when Neil Young wrote his

27. masterpiece "Old Man"--

28. - I love Neil Young, okay.

29. - The plaintiff lyrics, "Old man look at my eyes,

30. "I'm a lot like you."

31. The Canadian songster was actually a 21 year old

32. suffering from latter stage cataracts as well

33. as muscular degeneration, giving his eyes a cloudy

34. bluish.

35. However, YOung's vision would be surgically corrected

36. by the time of the release of his 1971 masterpiece

37. "After the Gold Rush".

38. - After the Gold Rush, yeah.

39. - Real news or fake news?

40. - I'm gonna say real news.

41. - Nope, no it's fake news.

42. After the Gold Rush was actually released

43. in September of 1970, September of 1970.

44. Real news or fake news, Fred Rogers of television's

45. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

46. - I love him.

47. - Was rumored to have been a US Army sniper

48. in the Korean War with over 28 confirmed kills.

49. Even his for long sleeved cardigans

50. was described to his hiding tattoos

51. from the eyes of curious little tykes on his TV's program.

52. Fake news, real news?

53. - That's fake news.

54. - That is fake news.

55. - Oh, okay.

56. - Rogers never served in the military.

57. In fact, he was an ordained minister in

58. the United Presbyterian Church.

59. And his tattoos were simple self drawn depictions

60. of the Lake of Fire from the Book of Exodus.

61. Fake news or real news, a country powerhouse duo,

62. Big and Rich.

63. - Ah!

64. - They're great.

65. - Yes.

66. - Used to have a third member named John Fullofcum.

67. That made them a trio called Big, Rich, and Fullofcum.

68. - That's gotta be real news, that's gotta be.

69. - I want it to be real news, too.

70. - Come on, that's not real?

71. - I think it's real.

72. - You gotta check that out, that seems too real.

73. There's no way that's not real.

74. I've heard that name, Big, Rich, and Fullofcum.

75. - Big, Rich, and Fullofcum.

76. Who's are guest?

77. Anybody know?

78. - Yeah, who is our guest?

79. - Tim Allen's our guest.

80. - Ah, Tim Allen.

81. - It'll be funny. - Oh, that'll be great.

82. - Yeah, I haven't seem Tim Allen.

83. You know, I met him when he was at the Montreal Comedy

84. Festival and I hope we have time to go into that.

85. - How long ago was that?

86. - Oh, it was before I was in comedy.

87. - Oh, Jesus.

88. - Yeah, 22 years ago, I think.

89. - Holy shit, in the Ford administration?

90. - Yeah, in the Eisenhower administration.

91. Right, isn't that what the comics used to say?

92. In the Eisenhower administration.

93. I haven't been laid since the Eisenhower administration.

94. In a moment joining us, Tim Allen.

95. For a full hour it's Tim Allen.

96. Hey, so our guest tonight, Tim Allen,

97. I have my trustee sidekick, Adam Eget, with me.

98. - Adam, how you doing?

99. - How are you?

100. - Tim was always a—

101. - Communist?

102. - He was a communist.

103. - Wow, I didn't wanna bring it up but he was a communist.

104. No, I don't name names.

105. But why don't we just get into this?

106. - What about the intro, somebody wrote the intro.

107. - Fuck the intro.

108. You are talking, you just brought up communism.

109. - Wow.

110. - And it struck me, right, remember McCarthyism?

111. - Mmm hmm.

112. What's his first, Eugene?

113. What was his first name?

114. - No, that was a different McCarthy.

115. - I know, I'm just kidding, what was McCarthy's first name?

116. - Joe McCarthy.

117. - Joey!

118. - Tail getter Joe.

119. So, he named members of the...

120. You know, he wanted names of the members

121. of the communist party so the communist party members

122. were named and then they couldn't work.

123. They wouldn't go to jail, it wasn't illegal to be

124. a communist but you couldn't work.

125. And it was the worst thing in the world.

126. Nowadays you can say things that people don't like—

127. - Easily.

128. - Right?

129. And now people go, well, he has the right to say it

130. but we have the right to not employ him.

131. So, to me, you don't have a right.

132. You don't have a right if the consequence is

133. that you can't feed your family.

134. - Exactly, that was my,

135. the larger issue that my sister and I argue about

136. religion all the time, I says, you can do...

137. I ask her, what's the purpose biblically,

138. I'm a philosophy major, what is god's will,

139. whatever that is.

140. She says, well, to do the right thing.

141. I says, so you have free will to do the right thing,

142. she goes, yes, but if you don't do what he wants,

143. he punishes you.

144. So, that's not actually a choice and this is the same thing.

145. - Yeah, yeah.

146. - Your opinion is valid but if it isn't appealing

147. or whatever that we think is,

148. then you can be punished for it.

149. - And you have been punished for it?

150. - You know, I don't know.

151. - I know you don't like to say that because

152. you've been so blessed in your life.

153. - Right, because there's nothing, my life is fine.

154. I said what's funny to me is that I'm a stand up comedian,

155. have been that way for quite a long time and

156. we're anarchists.

157. - True, yeah.

158. - You know, Leno says you shouldn't fall in love

159. with hookers and that's show business.

160. Show business is just a prostitute.

161. It's all a prostitution ring.

162. They only like you for a while and

163. then they move onto someone else.

164. And it's just the way it is.

165. - Who knows more about show business than Leno?

166. Really?

167. - Really, he does, and he says we are blessed

168. to be comedians.

169. Because people come to see you, they pay money,

170. and you get it,

171. there's nobody in the middle of that situation.

172. And I said one time I was doing an interview for,

173. well both, I did an MSNBC, which was curious,

174. and I did a FOX interview.

175. And I said in the middle of the interview,

176. are you interviewing the character I'm playing

177. or the guy that I am?

178. And they said they didn't see any difference between that.

179. And I said, it's a very different situation.

180. You don't interview Mel Gibson or Harrison Ford

181. as the guy in Blade Runner.

182. But sometimes they'd want you to be that opinion.

183. And I said my opinion has always been that way

184. as a stand up, I hate taxes.

185. I hate it as a stand up comedian.

186. I worked hard week by week, you get cash in an envelope,

187. usually by guys in suits.

188. That's the weirdest thing about comedy clubs,

189. you just get an envelope across the table.

190. But you'd have to pay taxes.

191. I had this weird partner, I always said,

192. the federal government, never helped me

193. and I don't know what that was about there.

194. in the comedy clubs.

195. What did the government ever do for us as comedians?

196. - Nothing.

197. - And when I was a kid, it was 45-50%.

198. - Oh my god, what?

199. For regular people.

200. - Right, for regular people.

201. - For rich people, 80%.

202. - 80%, it was horrible, I just...

203. That's always been my position as a comedian.

204. I don't know why we got onto this subject

205. but this never.

206. - No, no, no.

207. - It's something to do with McCartney communists?

208. - Well, no, I thought because you brought up communism

209. that we're facing nowadays where you can get fired

210. for your political beliefs, and actually,

211. communism was sort of a dangerous thing.

212. - Well, now they're like, everybody likes them.

213. This is...

214. I look at that is an, and I'm using,

215. I hope Jay doesn't mind this story.

216. He's the most, not middle of the road is the right word,

217. but he doesn't—

218. - Uh, pragmatic.

219. - He doesn't get offensive.

220. I push some buttons a bit,

221. especially when I'm on the road doing comedy.

222. Jay just said—

223. He goes, he just said something about it,

224. he passed his wife in the kitchen

225. and the whole audience booed.

226. Because, oh, a woman in the kitchen.

227. He goes, no, I'm just saying he was in the kitchen.

228. - Really?

229. - And then he said when it gets like this,

230. and even Jerry's had it.

231. - Jerry, of all people!

232. - Yeah, he's not that way at all.

233. Actually, Otto and George.

234. - Oh yeah, the great Otto and George.

235. - Oh man, passed away, but I bought one—

236. - Explain to the folks who Otto and George are.

237. - Jesus, this is a comedy team of the dummy

238. was beat up several times a night.

239. He offended somebody in the audience so much,

240. a guy came up and stabbed the dummy.

241. I'm not kidding, this is like, there's a guitarist,

242. Monte Montgomery, who's so good that other guitarists,

243. he comes to play here, other guitarists, major ones,

244. are watching him.

245. And Otto and George would show up and every comic

246. would be in that audience going like this.

247. I couldn't say that, nobody could say what this dude said.

248. He was, he'd talked that dummy, sometimes, privately.

249. I mean, he'd be doing shows going, you shut up,

250. no, you shut up.

251. And they were going, yeah, this is kind of creepy.

252. The dummy one time looked at him,

253. just keep your hand up my ass and keep my lips moving

254. and you shut up.

255. holy crap.

256. But I bought one of his lines before he passed away,

257. but way before.

258. He said I exaggerate to clarify,

259. and that's really what I do in comedy.

260. I try to find, you dig down through the weeds

261. and try to find something similar.

262. And when we were doing Last Man Standing,

263. the staff would come up, basically a brilliant group

264. of liberal writers, a couple conservatives in there,

265. but I said if to do comedy that's funny,

266. Trump would have to laugh at it, and Hilary at the time,

267. when Hilary was running.

268. It can't be pointed at either one.

269. And it's very difficult to get these guys to say something

270. that wasn't mean spirited towards Hilary

271. or mean towards Trump.

272. But they'd both have to laugh at it

273. and it's just, you dig down...

274. I remember one time they said, well do this joke about

275. Trump hating gay guys.

276. And I said, all right, I'll write it, we can get in there.

277. How do we know that that's true?

278. Well, it's just common knowledge.

279. Well, what does that mean?

280. Well, we all know, he's the type of guy

281. that doesn't like gay people.

282. I'm like wow, that's a little dangerous.

283. And that's that McCarthy.

284. All of the sudden, everybody, that's the way it is.

285. I said, we can't really make a joke about it

286. unless I have some semblance that it might actually,

287. did he say something?

288. Well, his people said something.

289. Oh boy, this is.

290. - Well, that's like what you say, he seems—

291. - He seems like the kind of guy who would be that way.

292. And I said that gets, because I...

293. I don't think people like the way he looks.

294. I think that's all it's about.

295. I remember somebody say we should have that guy from

296. Canada, Trudeau, just because he's handsome and young.

297. That's the benchmark.

298. If it looks better than it's gotta be better.

299. - But of course when the devil comes,

300. you ain't gonna look like the devil.

301. - Nice.

302. Who will he look like?

303. - So what was that week that you possessed the number one

304. book, the number one movie, Galaxy Quest.

305. - No, it was Santa Claus.

306. - So, Santa Clause.

307. - Santa Clause, book, and then Home Improvement.

308. My brother mentioned it to me.

309. He called me up, he said, did you know that...

310. nobody in Disney noticed it and

311. it was alarming because it was Monday.

312. New York Times bestseller came out that day.

313. Out of all people, I get Barry Sonnenfield saw me

314. at a coffee shop, and he talks like Jay,

315. everybody talks like Jay.

316. It used to be everybody talked like Arnold to me,

317. now everybody talks like Jay.

318. And Barry thought, he brought it to my attention.

319. He said that's an amazing occurrence.

320. I said I never thought of it being like that,

321. I never thought of it like that.

322. And I said, I have one room in my house, I just,

323. with my black socks, no job, I just sit there and

324. stare at it, I used to be somebody.

325. - That's never happened before, right?

326. - No, I don't, and I think what's Beyonce,

327. or somebody, or Jennifer Lopez,

328. or somebody was in there that had an album and a movie.

329. But I don't look at it like that.

330. - But that week you must've felt like—

331. - Well, only because my brother, who generally doesn't

332. say anything to me, he said that's kind of weird.

333. And I said—

334. - Kind of weird?

335. - Well, he said it's kind of unusual.

336. That's my family, that's my mother.

337. - When I first moved to Los Angeles.

338. Roseanne gave me a job on her show.

339. - But not on the new one.

340. - Yeah, on the new one also.

341. - Are you on the new one?

342. - Yeah, I'm writing in it.

343. I'm writing on that show.

344. - Only 11 or only eight, is that—

345. - Eight of them, yeah.

346. You should do a reboot, is there talk of that?

347. - That's what I wanna do, work with these people again.

348. - You lost Jonathan Taylor Thomas's phone number

349. over the years?

350. - No, I still hang out with all those guys.

351. I still see them.

352. - So then it would be good, it's a good idea.

353. - I think it's a good idea.

354. - Yeah, reboot it, Netflix, make a fortune.

355. - Fox.

356. - Fox.

357. - I'm just kidding, it would have to be ABC but—

358. - Would it have to be ABC?

359. Well yeah, Roseanne's on ABC.

360. I thought that she might go to Netflix though,

361. I didn't know.

362. - I'm just surprised she did it.

363. - You know, but they have all those strong actors still.

364. - Didn't John die in that—

365. - Yeah.

366. - He wasn't dead, he comes out of the casket

367. and he goes, "Yeah, da da da."

368. - Yeah, there's some things to—

369. - You can't tell us exactly but—

370. - Nah, I'm not supposed to say.

371. - But you could.

372. Why the Red Wings hat?

373. - The Detroit Red Wings.

374. - Yeah, I understand who they are but...

375. - Well, I'm a big hockey fan.

376. - So, am I.

377. - You are?

378. - Hmm mmm, big Red Wings Fan, I'm from Detroit.

379. - I never put that together.

380. I was in Detroit, I was at, what's the

381. Langsford.

382. - Lansing.

383. - Lansing!

384. - Yeah, the state capitol.

385. - That's beautiful.

386. - Yeah, it is.

387. - And I passed that part of Detroit that's a lot

388. of fixer uppers.

389. - Most of them.

390. - And then you get to Lansing, oh my god, it's beautiful.

391. - Yeah, I'm the voice of Michigan tourism.

392. I've been doing that for about eight years

393. and I still got a lot of family in Michigan.

394. Actually originally from Colorado but

395. my family moved to Michigan right during the riots actually.

396. - You know, I was reading about the

397. Comedy Castle and I didn't realize this but,

398. what's his name?

399. - Mark Riddley.

400. - Mark Riddley is one of the nicest guys I ever met.

401. - Yeah, still owes me 60 bucks.

402. - That son of a bitch.

403. - Club owners, you know.

404. He gave me a free hamburger.

405. - He is so sweet, but this is what it said when

406. I was researching this about the Comedy House.

407. They said Mark came and saw how clubs worked in LA

408. and all that, The Store and The Improv where they just have

409. for those viewers that don't know,

410. just an assembly line of stand ups that do

411. 15 minutes of what's called a showcase.

412. But that Mark was one of the first to start this paradigm

413. of opener, middle—

414. - Middle and headliner.

415. - Is that true?

416. - Yeah, well that, well they were doing it...

417. You know, that was my life.

418. I came out and showcased, I couldn't showcase.

419. Jim would call, I was trying to get on The Tonight Show

420. with Carson, that was all I ever wanted to do.

421. - Me, too.

422. - But Jesus, you'd be on the road—

423. - You didn't get on it?

424. You probably got on it after.

425. - Yeah, after I did Home Improvement.

426. It was a terrifying story at the time because

427. McCauly would keep showing up at these clubs in LA

428. and he's supposed to be here at whatever time,

429. and I'd do my eight minutes, whatever they needed for TV,

430. and then I'd go into my show about my nuts

431. or whatever I'd talk about.

432. But it's definitely not family fair and

433. it's not for Carson, he said,

434. ah, you can't talk about women's periods or

435. whatever I was talking about then.

436. I said no, but you're supposed to show up at The Ice House

437. and I did my eight minutes and every time you saw me,

438. I was back in the routine again.

439. He says, "Well, I can't trust you."

440. I'm not gonna go into that stuff on national TV.

441. And then I did, Home Improvement became number one,

442. so they wanted me on as a TV guy.

443. And I wanted that, you know, that—

444. - Sure, call you over.

445. - Call you over.

446. And he goes, well, you're all ready over.

447. I don't wanna be over there, I wanna stand there,

448. do my thing and go over.

449. He goes, "All right, you can do standup."

450. I was so excited, you know how it works,

451. I go, I had no idea what he was saying,

452. I go, "Yeah," whatever that means.

453. The curtain opens and there's tape all over the god damn

454. floor and I don't know where I'm supposed to stand.

455. So, I just walk out and the curtain kind

456. of hit me in the back.

457. I see booms moving and all the cameras, everything,

458. because I stood way too far back.

459. I wasn't in the light and I see all that and

460. I completely get off my game and I bomb,

461. not bomb but nothing hit, everything was wrong.

462. Then Johnny brings me over, he leans in, he goes,

463. "You've gotta be funnier than that."

464. And I was embarrassed.

465. - On television?

466. - No, in between.

467. I said, "I didn't know where to stand.

468. "I didn't have my glasses on so I didn't see the mark."

469. He goes, and this was the last four weeks

470. that he was on the air ever and he said,

471. "Come back next Tuesday."

472. And I came back the next Tuesday and did it fresh,

473. did this act, killed.

474. - Oh, that's cool.

475. - Got to do it twice.

476. So, it was an amazing experience, for me, that was it.

477. - I came to LA to be the last new comic on Carson.

478. You know, because I was just hitting my stride

479. and I figured I could be the last guy.

480. And McCauley came, every time he was drunk.

481. And he'd say, "I didn't like it but I'm really drunk."

482. I'd go—

483. - Good.

484. - One time I looked down and he's necking with a girl.

485. - So, he hired the girl?

486. - Yeah.

487. - So, she went and she killed and that's Roseanne.

488. - He would do that a few times.

489. So, then he had this thing he goes,

490. he finally saw my act, he was sober, and he goes,

491. "You know what, you're a Jay comic."

492. And I go, what, I go,

493. "Everyone tells me I'm a Johnny comic."

494. I actually said that.

495. Everybody I meet, they go, you're kind of a Johnny Carson

496. comic, he goes, nah, you're a Jay comic.

497. Then he goes, he whispers to me, he goes,

498. and Jay's gonna be taking over.

499. I go, I know, it's been in the paper for a year.

500. - I'm drunk.

501. Well, but I said, the guys that did showcase out here

502. did eight minute sets.

503. If you're on the road, I spent most of my life on the road.

504. You'd get up to that huge money, back then,

505. to do the headliner.

506. I said, you could live well, you did,

507. and I moved up to headliner on the road and that was it,

508. but you still needed some credits and that whole—

509. - What is your years compared to Jay Leno?

510. Is Jay Leno before?

511. - Jay's before because he worked at the state theater

512. in Kalamazoo and I was still going to—

513. - Because he would tell me nightmare stories from,

514. it was like from a different generation.

515. - Yeah, it's funny, he's not that much older than me

516. but he was...

517. I got an autograph from him, he did a comedy concert

518. in Kalamazoo, Michigan where I went to college.

519. - It's hard to imagine a guy better than him.

520. - No, there's nobody, I mean, literally, he's got so much.

521. - That's what angers me about new comics

522. when they don't know, they make fun of Leno.

523. - Well, this is kind of funny because I use this analogy,

524. there was a couple, eh, I can't name,

525. you'll get it—

526. - Cat and Oswald.

527. - Star Search, what was the one with Ed McMann?

528. - Yeah, Star Search.

529. - I had, there was a couple comedians on there

530. that tried everything so I decided to try comedy.

531. And I'd get real pissed because I worked a series with

532. those guys, a couple of those.

533. Well, I tried, you know, painting, I tried shoe repair,

534. and they went through a litany of little things.

535. Finally I just settled on standup and

536. there was a room of people that would give

537. their life to do this or really worked hard,

538. and some of these people were pretty good at it.

539. - Jenny Jones.

540. - Yeah, I just don't wanna get it.

541. I did a show with her.

542. - Did you, what show?

543. - Yeah, we did a, you know, comedy.

544. A midday show in Miami, middle of summer.

545. I did the whole act on the diving board.

546. You have to do it to people around a pool.

547. - What?

548. - Yep, I was on the diving board sweating like

549. a whipped Egyptian, I was horrible.

550. I mean, and the ancient Egyptian.

551. - Like a whipped ancient Egyptian.

552. - You see all those pictures, I have to state that now

553. in Vegas, when I say whipped Egyptian,

554. I don't mean current Egyptians.

555. And I don't mean any indigenous population problem.

556. You have to explain every single thing so people

557. don't go, oh, oh, you're gonna be in trouble on Twitter.

558. - Oh, we gotta go.

559. You had that important question you wanted to ask.

560. - Yeah, I was just wondering about—

561. - Wow.

562. - I did, I...

563. Where did you come up with the character of

564. Tim the Toolman Taylor?

565. - That was, literally, me.

566. I did a show in Akron, Ohio for a Goodyear Tire

567. and Rubber Company up at a scotch

568. and sirloin night, men salesmen.

569. They're all smoking, eating and.

570. Nobody listening.

571. So, what I heard on stage was.

572. I just heard people grunting back and forth,

573. men when they talk about vehicles.

574. So, I started just mimicking what I heard and

575. I was going.

576. And literally, the men went...

577. And so I added that to a, I used to sell guns and ammo,

578. I used to sell car parts, I love all that stuff.

579. - Oh, and you heard that noise, exaggerated it.

580. - Exaggerated it.

581. - In order, you clarify.

582. - Exaggerate and clarify.

583. I did Dangerfield's in New York and

584. Rodney had no idea what I was doing.

585. He goes, "Yeah, I don't know what you're doing."

586. Because everybody was talking about a New Jersey politics,

587. whatever they did in New York and

588. I was talking about lawnmowers, and vehicle maintenance,

589. and Sears.

590. - And New York was probably—

591. - Well, the audience did.

592. There was this mainstream appeal to—

593. - But in the heart of comics which—

594. - Comics didn't.

595. One of my funny stories at Rodney's is everything

596. was free for comics if you worked there.

597. And he goes, "Whatever you want, you get a meal."

598. Eh, I'll have the filet with the twice baked potato

599. and the beans.

600. Club sandwich.

601. So, it got to be a joke.

602. I'm gonna have the chicken with the olive oil glaze

603. and the tossed salad.

604. Got it, club sandwich!

605. No matter what it was you ordered, it was a club sandwich.

606. I put him on Home Improvement,

607. he could never not respond to the crowd.

608. In the middle of the scene we're doing,

609. he's a big, I don't know, industrial or something.

610. And he goes, "hey, how you doing?

611. "It's all right."

612. And then the director, "Cut!

613. "Rodney, when you look at there, break away."

614. "Hey, I can't, hey, yo, how you doing?"

615. And then he get back into it.

616. It was constantly, anytime they'd cheer at him,

617. he'd go, "Yeah, okay, right."

618. I got to know him pretty well.

619. - This is what he told me and I don't know if he's ever,

620. I only heard him tell me.

621. But he was going into the hospital.

622. All I remember is it involved his brain and his heart,

623. it was not good.

624. And you know, he was old.

625. And everybody was scared for him,

626. and the fucking guy was doing coke when he was 90.

627. - Right, but good coke.

628. - Good though.

629. - Crack is whack, he moved into the—

630. - None of that Detroit baby laxative cut shit.

631. - No, this was Columbian.

632. - So then, this is what he said to me, I said,

633. "So, what's the prognosis, how's it going to be?"

634. He said, "I tell ya, kid, all right."

635. I don't think he ever knew my name.

636. - Everybody was that, hey, kid.

637. - He goes, "I tell you, kid," he goes,

638. "They say if it goes well I'll be out in three days, okay.

639. "If it goes bad, I'll be out in 20 minutes."

640. So, I was like, god damn, this guy's all about comedy.

641. Okay, but that was your question?

642. I thought you had—

643. - I was just curious where you get your ideas from.

644. - You know, I play characters.

645. I realize that because I'm writing,

646. I'm going out again for 40 cities and I think of—

647. - Oh, you are?

648. - Well, I've been doing it for—

649. - I didn't know that.

650. - Yeah, I've been going out for a while but

651. now I've jumped it up because I like Vegas,

652. which I play in the Mirage in Vegas constantly

653. but now I'm going out for a tour.

654. I don't really write bits, I've been doing the same thing.

655. I get a character I develop as my kids will go,

656. "Did that ever happen?"

657. I go, "Well, I kind of combine my grandma with my aunt,

658. "and somebody else."

659. It's always a combination.

660. And then my little one, I have an eight year old.

661. And I play characters and I said, that's where

662. the information, I exaggerate to clarify,

663. but of course...

664. - Now, when you go out, do you have to go

665. for a while?

666. - A little bit because it's out of respect.

667. - Sure.

668. - I don't think they have any idea of what to expect.

669. Number one, it's not for kids,

670. I never have been a kids comedian.

671. And one of the ironies of my life is that

672. I really don't like children, mine or anybody else's.

673. I'm not gonna hurt them, I will raise my kids as best I can,

674. I just don't like them.

675. I don't care, if you look, I got a new baby, don't care.

676. Isn't it cute, I pretend like I like it,

677. they all look exactly the same to me.

678. They look like a problem, they all look like a problem.

679. - A huge problem.

680. - Dumb as a box of rocks.

681. Mine, yours, everybody.

682. If you don't lead them to , they go in traffic.

683. They go directly where danger is.

684. They're the stupidest animals.

685. Monkeys are smarter, birds, kids in the nest,

686. they kick them out.

687. 16, they're still, ah.

688. - It's true.

689. - Dumbest things in the world.

690. - The fucking bird isn't covered until he was 26.

691. - But I said, I'm trying to come up with bits

692. and I get these—

693. - Well, what is your character?

694. - Well, it really, I wish I could tell you

695. because it isn't a pleasant guy.

696. I'm mad about everything, I get into a little bit of

697. politics, I get into a little bit of religion.

698. I love religion, I've been going to church since I

699. was a kid but I joke, I always says, my parents says,

700. "You're gonna go to church until you're 21 like I did."

701. My dad, when he was alive, and I said the same to my kids,

702. except on NFL season.

703. Then I'll be with you in spirit,

704. I'll be right there with you.

705. But I said the character—

706. - Do you feel that the new comedy,

707. there's so much atheists.

708. I feel that's kind of like the new hack comedy to me.

709. - It's always been that way.

710. I'm not a proponent, I mean I've studied religion

711. in college, I take my kids, that's where I got into physics.

712. The chances of this thing happening by accident,

713. carbon based lifeforms, heavy star,

714. you get into the quantum physics of it,

715. it's very peculiar that we're here at all.

716. It's very peculiar that this worked like this

717. and some of these ancient texts, especially Jewish texts,

718. I give these guys, Jews, a great credit

719. because it was three, 400 years before the Buddhist,

720. they became up with the law from Sumerians, Babylonians,

721. blah blah blah, but basically, without law,

722. we'd eat each other.

723. It's human nature, I think John Wayne said,

724. "You can't legislate it."

725. He turned from a very good progressive,

726. from democrat to republican because he got pushed

727. what we think and he said, listen,

728. you can't legislate human behavior.

729. You put 30 people in a room, give them all a buck,

730. in a week, two guys are gonna have all the money,

731. that's just how it works.

732. People do this evolution of mankind.

733. I said, I've never been, church has never,

734. I got kicked out of more churches because of stupid

735. crap I'd say.

736. Even the bishop said, "We just don't want you

737. "around here anymore."

738. - Don't you find sometimes the problems with atheism

739. is that really their problems are with churches,

740. not with God.

741. - Well, listen—

742. - They go, there's no god because a priest fucked a kid.

743. That doesn't make any sense.

744. - No, and I said, my older daughter's an atheist

745. and I said, "Well, philosophically it's a weird,

746. "it's an irony there too,"

747. because atheists don't believe in god.

748. Well, there has to be a god for you not to believe in.

749. And my daughter goes, "Ah."

750. She's still in therapy over that.

751. - No, I always wonder about that because,

752. and also, the atheists are usually choosing a

753. god not believe in.

754. - And you have to have a god not to, otherwise—

755. - Like Dawkins doesn't believe in a Christian god,

756. specifically.

757. - Exactly, and I said, "I get the idea, it's weird."

758. There's a null, the spiritual side of philosophy

759. will get to this point where they said if god is unlimited,

760. which you have to agree kind of rationally,

761. that's what a god...

762. How would a god ever deal with limited, us?

763. It's very difficult.

764. Every time God has tried to speak to us,

765. that person got killed.

766. You know, because he said, hey, this is great

767. and then people shot him.

768. But there's only been very few people that actually spoke

769. or said they spoke directly, and they all translate

770. what they heard into human speak,

771. and they generally kind of screw it up somehow.

772. - Of course.

773. - And it'd be very difficult, there's no...

774. There's a Mark Kornhauser that I worked with all the time.

775. And this is one of my analogies for the spiritual life.

776. He did that trick where you rip a newspaper.

777. Magicians always worked with us with prop acts,

778. and you know, comics probably like, prop acts.

779. A lot of prop acts I like, the reason Jonathan is

780. hysterical and I like magicians.

781. - But what, he ripped the newspaper?

782. - He ripped the newspaper and then you unfold it.

783. And I'm onstage going.

784. I watched both hands, he didn't...

785. I couldn't get it so backstage I go, "Show me that."

786. He goes, "No, I'm not showing you that.

787. "If I showed it to you, three things will happen,

788. "you'll go, oh shit, that's stupid and you'll try it

789. "and magic will no longer mean anything to you."

790. And that's the same thing.

791. One day I was saying I wonder what prophets saw

792. and then God, because imagine that, if God said,

793. "Listen, if I show you what's really going on here,

794. "you're gonna go, oh that's stupid.

795. "And then you're gonna try to tell people,

796. "and the third thing is you just won't wanna be here

797. "anymore, this won't mean anything."

798. I heard some guy say—

799. - The only guy he ever showed was Jobe.

800. - I think the prophet.

801. No, Mohammed, they showed him and then he wrote it.

802. His miracle, he said to his staff, was—

803. - We're not gonna get too deep into this.

804. - You don't wanna get into that!

805. I just, he couldn't read or write so he said

806. his miracle was he wrote their holy book.

807. - But he's a nice guy from all accounts.

808. - He really is a good guy.

809. And he was kale free, he never ate kale.

810. He never ate kale, he was on a gluten only diet,

811. I did read that.

812. Which, by the way, I'm on right now.

813. - Oh, you are?

814. - Gluten only.

815. - Oh, gluten only?

816. - That's all I eat.

817. I'm not kidding, I've never slept better.

818. - Really?

819. - I'm up everyday but I've added just refined sugar,

820. gluten, and try to find trans fat.

821. - That's my kind of diet.

822. - Oh man, I have never slept better.

823. - Tim Allen cookbook.

824. - Yeah, gluten only.

825. Try to find it, they took it out of everything.

826. But here in Los Angeles, everything's a diet.

827. Everybody—

828. - It's so bizarre, I never even heard of the word gluten

829. until two years, three years ago.

830. - I didn't know what it was,

831. my doctor still doesn't know what it is.

832. He goes, you gotta remove it.

833. - Remember oat brand.

834. Everybody had to have oat brand.

835. - Oat brand and then was it, orange roughy, remember that?

836. - That's a fish.

837. - But that was big.

838. - It was?

839. - Yeah, it was huge, orange roughy was everywhere.

840. And then somebody wrote, kale got a publicist somehow.

841. Somehow somebody said, what do we do with this stuff,

842. we usually line it with gerbil cages.

843. Usually gerbil, remember the green stuff at the bottom.

844. I hate it, hey, wait a minute, let's get a publicist,

845. a lobbyist.

846. My manager, Rick Messina.

847. - The great Rick Messina.

848. - He's got a marine —

849. - Best wiffle ball player.

850. - Yeah!

851. He's got a marine iguana named Paul, or something,

852. I don't know what it is, 40 pound marine iguana.

853. - He has a lot of money.

854. - This iguana will eat its own tail,

855. it will eat anything but it won't eat kale.

856. It will literally eat its own eyeball,

857. anything you put, it just eats it.

858. You put kale down there, even the lizard goes,

859. no, I can't.

860. - It's fucking disgusting.

861. - Hey Tim, you're part of this ensemble cast

862. in the upcoming movie, El Camino Christmas.

863. - Not a Christmas movie.

864. - And it's on Netflix?

865. - On Netflix, Ted Melfi, who wrote Hidden Figures, wrote it.

866. - Yeah, yeah.

867. - And again, I told the audience in Vegas,

868. it's coming out, don't bring your kids.

869. I don't know why they called it El Camino Christmas

870. but it is not, there is no Santa Claus on it.

871. It's a terrible character, a very deficient guy.

872. You'll get to know why I'm as bad as I am

873. and it was a very—

874. - And you like working on Netflix?

875. - I don't know, I don't know.

876. I don't know about Netflix.

877. - It's interesting what you say about stand up because

878. I've gone through this but I'm certainly not in the same

879. way is that I was always a stand up,

880. then I do a little thing on TV,

881. then they don't think you're a standup,

882. they think you're that thing from the TV.

883. - Trust me, I don't think most people...

884. I was in discovered me here in California

885. at the Ice House in Pasadena, put me on the air in

886. California, my career took off.

887. Selling out arenas, blah, blah.

888. I don't think people have any idea that I'm a comedian,

889. sometimes I go to these big venues,

890. especially Canada, do a lot of big shows in Canada

891. and I get, because Home Improvement was big,

892. Santa Claus, we all shot them in Canada, blah blah blah.

893. But I get there and sometimes the crowd looks at me and

894. I go, I start talking, and I see,

895. "Jesus Christ, what's he talking about his nuts for,

896. "where's the Santa Claus bit?"

897. - But anyway, Tim will be performing standup

898. October 21st in Tacoma, Washington and

899. Emerald Queen November 3 and 4 in Las Vegas,

900. of course at the wonderful Mirage.

901. - The beautiful Mirage.

902. - Pretty incredible.

903. - Yeah, it's great.

904. Do great in Vegas.

905. - And you can see Last Man Standing

906. is in syndication right now.

907. - That's about where it's gonna be and then.

908. - Will it come back?

909. There was talk of it going to CMT.

910. - They couldn't have handled this worse.

911. Not for me, because I'll survive, but there's 190 of us

912. that work there that didn't,

913. they didn't let them know until late June.

914. It was handled very badly.

915. To me it was handled badly.

916. - It was kind of great, it was getting great ratings.

917. - Second biggest show, a Friday night in 15 years.

918. - Friday night, yeah.

919. - They put us out to pasture on Friday, we won Friday.

920. Big night for us, big night for them.

921. I would've put Roseanne—

922. - You could win Friday.

923. - I would've put Roseanne after us,

924. just launch Roseanne, launch any show you want.

925. Use us just to launch shows if nothing else.

926. It's hard, I have no idea why they did what they did.

927. - Well, you know, years and years ago when I was young,

928. they had the Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres

929. and they canceled all those, even though they were

930. the top 10 shows because William Paley and his friends

931. in the upper west side thought to have rural comedy

932. is embarrassing, you know what I mean?

933. And then I think that maybe what you're victim to.

934. - I always wanted LMS, Last Man Standing,

935. to be like Archie Bunker.

936. Archie Bunker pushed boundaries.

937. - It was a little bit.

938. - He pushed boundaries.

939. And Carroll O'Connor was not that guy at all.

940. And I'm a version of that guy but I like,

941. I said there's nothing more dangerous to me,

942. especially in this climate, than a funny,

943. likable conservative.

944. That was the most dangerous thing.

945. Because he's mitigated on the phone by a family of all

946. women that had different opinions,

947. but the guy was a likable guy

948. and really was a principle guy, just about work and ethics

949. and all this stuff.

950. I think there's nothing more dangerous right now

951. than a likable conservative, character.

952. - Well, Archie Bunker, to me, was by far the most likable.

953. - Exactly.

954. - I mean, really I liked.

955. - Yeah, the more angry he got, the better he was.

956. And I said—

957. - And also the funny guys is the guy

958. you're gonna go towards.

959. - Right, well I use this example all the time.

960. I don't like kids and every time I did those Santa Clause

961. movies, no matter how mean I was to these children

962. on the set, they...

963. I like you so much.

964. You don't get it, stay out of my trailer,

965. I'm not Santa Clause, this is a costume.

966. The meaner you are to children, they're like cats.

967. They kept coming back.

968. The director, he kept saying, you gotta stop swearing.

969. I go, "They don't seem to care what I do."

970. Smoking cigarettes, pull half the beard off.

971. I love Santa!

972. Those kids, because it's actually one of my bits,

973. we didn't hire, and believe me, I got stuck in Vegas,

974. we didn't hire the human beings that don't grow

975. to big height, I don't even know what they're called

976. anymore, I'm afraid...

977. When I was a kid, it was called,

978. as a child it was called midget.

979. People start tweeting about that.

980. Height challenged, I don't know what.

981. - Height challenged.

982. - It came to be, the word is Game of Thrones dude size.

983. That's the best I could come up with.

984. But we hired real children and on this set,

985. it was, Disney's magic, it looked like the North Pole.

986. I mean, we did one of these in Vancouver.

987. The set was gorgeous, I mean, I fell in love with it.

988. Everything was built because that was when the Canadians,

989. they weren't building sets like we build in Los Angeles,

990. it's half of it.

991. It was real furniture and it was,

992. these kids would follow me around going,

993. "What do the elves eat?"

994. Because they didn't get, they couldn't tell.

995. So, half of me wanted to go,

996. "There's no such thing as Santa Clause!

997. "What's the matter with you?"

998. I can't do that so I come up with, I don't know,

999. the elves, they probably eat reindeer, I think.

1000. Well, it's the best I could come up with.

1001. There's reindeer, and why do you like milk and cookies?

1002. Because it takes the edge off the jack and coke.

1003. And the kid told his mother.

1004. But one of my favorite was we're doing

1005. the Jerry Bruckheimer opening with a periscope

1006. and it was the big opening, the camera comes around,

1007. catches me, there's a C-130 with the air force guys looking.

1008. And then Berkheimer helped to set up this big shot,

1009. it was a great deal.

1010. And then there's four kids behind me,

1011. they're just in the background but it always,

1012. I came from seven boys, two girls.

1013. It's always the big one, the little one,

1014. pinching each other, and they're going,

1015. "Stop it!"

1016. And they're just back here but she can't, the shot.

1017. I go, "Guys, guys, please, come on."

1018. And then they'd stop.

1019. Then we had this big Israeli PA come in.

1020. He'd shake them.

1021. Now you've all ready established these kids

1022. so they can't stop this whole thing.

1023. And then the big kid pinched the little one.

1024. He pinched me first, I go, "Guys, it doesn't matter,

1025. "we just, it's take 27."

1026. Just gotta get around to get me, I do a blink at the camera

1027. but the kid's right here and we've all ready established

1028. you guys, please just play with the little stupid monitor.

1029. - They should have like a documentary like

1030. the Apocalypse Now.

1031. - Well, it gets right to here, right to here,

1032. we're two seconds to cut and then the kid,

1033. "He pinched me again!"

1034. And I just went, "Fuck!"

1035. And now the whole set went quiet and you hear people,

1036. "Santa just said fuck, Santa has just said fuck."

1037. And all these kids froze and they had a Disney guy,

1038. he said, "Fuke, fuke, it's a Swedish word,

1039. "it means take a break."

1040. It was a horrible, I learned my lesson.

1041. Break?

1042. - We're supposed to take a break.

1043. So, he thought when you said take a break.

1044. Then I would go, speaking of taking a break,

1045. we'll take a break.

1046. I guess that's what he meant.

1047. Is that what he meant?

1048. He pointed to it.

1049. Would you like to do it Adam, you like doing that?

1050. - Doing what?

1051. I don't like doing anything.

1052. Oh yeah, we're gonna take a quick break.

1053. We'll be right back with more Tim Allen.

1054. - Bad Tim Allen.

1055. Now, the first time I encountered Tim Allen,

1056. it was before I was in comedy but I wanted to be a comedian

1057. and I went to Montreal Comedy Festival because

1058. I lived in Quebec City.

1059. So, I came and there you were, and everybody was talking

1060. about Tim Allen, Tim Allen, he's the next big thing.

1061. And then, the next day, the whole festival was

1062. a buzz like something had happened the night before

1063. at Club Soda.

1064. Remember that?

1065. - Oh yeah, right.

1066. - And Tim will tell you.

1067. - It was Chris Lineman, I think he was a kiwi,

1068. a New Zealander, and he came on, I walked,

1069. there's a real thin part of the backstage,

1070. you kinda gotta go, and I peered through the curtain

1071. and his manager was introducing him, his manager,

1072. as far as I could tell, was naked.

1073. And he was sitting on a stool adjusting his sack

1074. because it wouldn't fit where his leg was.

1075. It looked like he was sitting on a brown paper bag.

1076. - A huge sack.

1077. - And I go, good lord, that guy, that's horrible.

1078. Oh, even people, the crew's going, oh.

1079. But imagine your surprise.

1080. You're going, "oh god, what is that?"

1081. He was talking as if nothing was up,

1082. Chris comes out and he goes, "And now, ladies and gentlemen,

1083. "my client Chris Lineman."

1084. He comes out buck naked, the act, with a guitar,

1085. did moderately funny stuff.

1086. Blah, blah, blah, then he goes in for his closing,

1087. he put a roman candle in his rectum and spun around

1088. going, "There's no business like show business!"

1089. And he spun around and it went.

1090. Now all the little sparkles, that last little,

1091. pulls it out of his rectum.

1092. I think he just closed his cheeks, I don't know but—

1093. - That's a hell of a closer.

1094. - He gets off, the smoke is sitting in Club Soda

1095. about four foot up so you just see

1096. the top of people's heads.

1097. The whole audience just was like in dis...

1098. It was horror mixed with anxiety, and what do I do next,

1099. can I get out of here, is this all right.

1100. The MC went (clearing throat), thank you, Chris.

1101. Now, comedian Tim Allen.

1102. And there was no transition, no explanation for that.

1103. And I get up—

1104. - He's probably acting for the.

1105. - It was all NBC, it was a big event for me.

1106. Everything was set up and I had to do, literally,

1107. five minutes of therapy.

1108. I know we all saw something terrible.

1109. But we don't have to define ourselves

1110. by what happened in our lives.

1111. It was a lot of this.

1112. Then he came up to the Theater the next night,

1113. it was packed because everybody had heard about this,

1114. forgot about me, and he went up and was fully clothed

1115. and so was the manager, they did all.

1116. It was terrificly clever, and he was pretty funny,

1117. it wasn't remarkable.

1118. - I didn't know that part of it.

1119. - Yeah, he came up and did the whole thing.

1120. Yeah yeah, he was nude last night.

1121. I saw his sack, this was horrible.

1122. You know, the real revolutionaries.

1123. But I will say that the year, then I broke,

1124. then the had me as the host and

1125. I often use this, five minutes before I go on,

1126. they say, "This is going out to CBC 8,

1127. "you're gonna have to clean it up a bit."

1128. And I go, literally I'm an anarchist and can't,

1129. excuse me, fucking tell me two seconds before I go on

1130. that now it's live.

1131. It goes out live, CBC, you cannot say anything.

1132. I'm so pissed that they,

1133. why didn't you tell me this 20 minutes ago

1134. then I could restructure the opening.

1135. It's not like I'm dirty, I just sometimes use language.

1136. - Yeah, sure.

1137. - So, I came out and I said, "Welcome, Canada.

1138. "Let's start talking about cock."

1139. And I went, the whole, ahh, the guy goes, "No!"

1140. I said, "No, I mean the stuff around your bathtub."

1141. So, we're gonna talk about getting fresh caulk

1142. in the bathroom.

1143. There's not a person out there in Canada that doesn't say,

1144. I want some fresh, firm caulk here in the bathroom.

1145. Did a whole thing about the caulk.

1146. And I got around, then the next day,

1147. the Montreal Sun...

1148. It said, Tim Allen talks caulk on stage,

1149. but they spell it C-H-A-U-L-K, so it made sense.

1150. - That's great.

1151. - Who'd you see at the festival this year?

1152. - Uh, I don't know.

1153. - Now they have 30 galas and festivals.

1154. - Oh, there's so many galas.

1155. - That was, Norm Crosby was there that night.

1156. Ooh, I loved watching...

1157. Oh, Jesus.

1158. - I remember Berle, Berle was there one year.

1159. - Well, that transition from those guys that never,

1160. that really formula but they're the same guys

1161. that I appreciate, that you know, Milton Berle,

1162. did a show with him, did a show with him.

1163. He could barely walk, he got on stage and boom,

1164. he was like.

1165. - Yeah.

1166. - And Rickles, who just passed away.

1167. - And I remember they were complaining,

1168. oh, he's doing too long.

1169. I'm like I'd rather listen to him than you,

1170. I mean, it's Milton Berle.

1171. But the other comics like, "He's doing too long out there."

1172. Because he was the MC.

1173. - Right, funny guys.

1174. I love being part of this brother and sisterhood of comedy.

1175. I love it.

1176. - Milton Berle, he was introducing all the comedians,

1177. he was the MC, but he'd do longer than them.

1178. One guy, I can't remember, maybe it was Jeff Foxworthy

1179. or something, so he goes, "Ladies and gentlemen,

1180. "Jeff Foxworthy, give him a hand, bring him out again."

1181. So, it was kind of this cruel thing he did where

1182. he brought them out too many times so people were

1183. like stopping them.

1184. And then, one more time, one more time.

1185. And then he just goes, "Gay."

1186. Jeff Foxworthy.

1187. That was funny to see.

1188. I hadn't seen that many of those.

1189. I never saw Shecky Greene or Redd Foxx.

1190. - Buddy Hackett was really funny.

1191. - I never saw him.

1192. - He was really, I can't do his voice because I...

1193. He allegedly wrote a lot of material and

1194. then Carson said, "People steal your material a lot."

1195. He goes, "I just write faster than they can steal it."

1196. And it happens and I never thought it would happen to me

1197. but I mean, Carl and I used to go anywhere he went

1198. and I'd watch him.

1199. Steve Martin was really hot for a while.

1200. Different, he's more of a performer,

1201. but Pryor and, Jesus, the best thing.

1202. I mean, I was hurting I laughed so hard.

1203. I never laughed that hard in my life.

1204. I put my hand up like he was gonna go, look,

1205. at the little European there.

1206. - Nobody's even gonna come close to him.

1207. - Not in a way that he could make,

1208. he was self effacing about who he was and

1209. about what it was like.

1210. Nobody did paradigm, European decent people.

1211. - Actor, amazing actor.

1212. - He was so damn funny.

1213. - I liked the point you were making earlier

1214. about how few stand up specials he had compared

1215. to all the comics of today.

1216. - THey're saying nowadays, everybody has one a year.

1217. Pryor had three.

1218. - But you burn through it.

1219. I don't think it's possible because the reality is—

1220. - It's possible, it's just quality over quantity.

1221. - I don't think you can do it, who does it?

1222. Robin could do it because, but my point was,

1223. Carlin never wants to see other comedians.

1224. I wanted him to come see me and he goes,

1225. "I can't do it because I'm likely to steal something."

1226. - Ah, that makes sense.

1227. - And it happens, Kip Addotta, I used to love watching Kip.

1228. Nobody, to this day, times jokes better

1229. and I stole his timing, not his material.

1230. I watched where he built his routines up.

1231. But Lewis Black I like so much that pretty soon

1232. my wife saw me do a concert in Detroit,

1233. she goes, "You're starting to do Lewis Black."

1234. Because I was starting to do what I love about him

1235. but not his material, but I was...

1236. THat's what we do, we mimic a little bit.

1237. - Yeah, of course.

1238. - It's very difficult not to admire somebody so much

1239. that you start doing some of their stuff.

1240. - Absolutely, are you familiar with Argus Hamilton?

1241. - You bet.

1242. - So, Argus told me a great story about Ollie Joe Prater

1243. back in the day and I heard he was,

1244. he would steal a lot of people's jokes.

1245. - But I'm doing it better than you!

1246. - Yeah.

1247. - yeah, but I'm doing it better!

1248. It's funnier than you did it!

1249. And he'd walk by—

1250. - if you were at the bar with Ollie Joe

1251. and he bought you a shot, that means he just

1252. did one of your bits on the stage.

1253. If he handed you a joint, that means that one of your

1254. jokes, he just did on Carson.

1255. If he gave you a line of coke—

1256. - We can't go too long.

1257. Because Tim's a busy man.

1258. - Oh yeah, yeah.

1259. - We gotta go, I'll come back, we wanna do jokes.

1260. - Oh yeah, yeah, jokes section.

1261. - Hey, we're back and an odd thing happened.

1262. - Don't, please don't go there.

1263. - No?

1264. Okay.

1265. But Tim Allen was nice enough to stick around

1266. and this is my trustee head writer, Steve O'Donnell.

1267. Wrote for Letterman top 10 list.

1268. - He says he didn't do that.

1269. - No, it's a group effort, many, many people.

1270. - He was the guy that wrote Letterman.

1271. - He was number eight! - I specialized in twos.

1272. - You were twos?

1273. I did the twos, there were other people in four and five.

1274. - This is what I did not know that Letterman

1275. talks to Paula Schaeffer after he does his monologues.

1276. I thought that was all a big ad lib but no.

1277. - It was scripted?

1278. - Isn't that amazing, by this guy.

1279. - I think that was ad libbed actually.

1280. - Wow, let's get our story straight.

1281. - Jesus Christ.

1282. - Wow, this is just going south.

1283. - This is a Tim Allen question from Steve O'Donnell.

1284. How much can you tell us about Toy Story 4

1285. due out in another year or so?

1286. Please tell me that Buzz Lightyear finally

1287. gets to fuck Jessie the Cowgirl?

1288. - Let me put that in a way that Disney would understand.

1289. - Technically not a question, more of a demand.

1290. - Well, if you understand Buzz, I have no genitalia.

1291. If you've seen the pictures, he's smooth in that area.

1292. - You're like GI Joe.

1293. - Yes, very much like GI Joe.

1294. And if I was like my buddy, Hanks, he just says anything,

1295. I'm not allowed, I don't really know much.

1296. It's Jessie's story, I know that much about it,

1297. that's all I got.

1298. - Wait, Hanks can say anything?

1299. - Hanks will just, they don't touch him because he...

1300. He landed a plane on the Hudson, for the love of God!

1301. And a week later, he's looking for stuff in Paris.

1302. I mean, this guy's in everything.

1303. - They say Buzz Lightyear's going through a transition.

1304. - Might be a female.

1305. - Ah, interesting.

1306. - It'd be Buzzer Lightyear.

1307. No, he's not in transition.

1308. The kids would not get that, why do we gotta go there?

1309. Right away.

1310. - Now, you have all the jokes,

1311. this is where we do the jokes.

1312. - Got it.

1313. - This is a joke segment where you just have to read

1314. a joke off a blue card.

1315. You don't have to think of a joke

1316. like all those other shows.

1317. - I'm not Jay.

1318. - No, it's automatic.

1319. - So, what joke would you like Tim to do.

1320. - This one seems like it might cover, you know—

1321. - Oh, I see.

1322. - You know, like the little people.

1323. - I got ya, I got ya.

1324. - All right, Blue Man Group, it's an long running

1325. off Broadway show in New York, men dressed in blue

1326. if you haven't seen it, very annoying.

1327. They beat on drums forever.

1328. The Blue Man Group has been forced by the federal

1329. government to hire an orange man and a purple woman.

1330. - Oh my god.

1331. This is hard times, huh.

1332. - Orange man and a purple woman.

1333. Orange man and a purple woman.

1334. - How about this, a new report from the CDC states

1335. that only 1/3 of Americans use condoms,

1336. while 2/3 of Americans are still pretty cool.

1337. - Why do you get a good one?

1338. That was good.

1339. Who's joke was I just, I steal someone's joke.

1340. Ever since Trump's new policy came in,

1341. the band Foreigner's scared.

1342. - What?

1343. - Because of Donald Trump, the band Foreigner is scared.

1344. - The what?

1345. I'm sorry, I don't get it.

1346. - Because of Trump's immigration policy,

1347. the band Foreigner is scared.

1348. - Oh, the band!

1349. - Oh, the band.

1350. - I stole that, I stole that.

1351. Some young guy said that at The Laugh Factory,

1352. I think I stole that.

1353. But I didn't steal it really because I just admitted

1354. that I stole it.

1355. - Yeah, and you did it better.

1356. - It's confusing because you can hear the phrase

1357. band foreigners.

1358. - Me and him both thought band.

1359. - They say curiosity killed the cat but

1360. I don't think we should rule out that shifty

1361. looking kid next door.

1362. - How about that one?

1363. - I was raised in a broken home.

1364. My father was a drunk carpenter.

1365. Oh man, this shit is just going south.

1366. Oh, something tells me a cock and bull story

1367. is a very different meaning in a gay rodeo.

1368. This is what goes along with the stuff I've been doing,

1369. slogans that you say that you don't understand

1370. where they came from.

1371. - Right.

1372. - Colder than a witches tit.

1373. Whoever measured, whoever actually got a witch

1374. down on the ground and said,

1375. "Paul, give me that thermometer."

1376. - It's like the phrase, enough coke to kill a horse.

1377. - Right, well, the one I'd got—

1378. - What?

1379. - I actually did a benefit for a vet,

1380. a veterinarians, vets, and Clint Eastwood was in

1381. the audience and I did an old one that he liked.

1382. I said, when they used to say, yeah, fuck you

1383. and the horse you rode in.

1384. You know that horse is going, let's just calm down.

1385. I just met this dude at the stable,

1386. let's try to work it out before

1387. we get into any of that stuff.

1388. Get Eastwood laughing, that's good,

1389. then he pulled a gun on me.

1390. Cock and bull story, I like it.

1391. - Happy as a clam.

1392. - Or who let the cat out of the bag,

1393. for god's sakes, do it.

1394. God, you've got a cat...

1395. You know you paid too much when it actually

1396. costs you an arm and a leg.

1397. Where did that even come from?

1398. - What about this, you served time in prison, didn't you?

1399. - Good, bring that up.

1400. Wow, almost got out of here.

1401. Yes, I did, what about it?

1402. - For something about 650 grams of cocaine you were

1403. found with or something.

1404. - Jesus, yes.

1405. - That sounds like enough to kill a horse.

1406. - Did you ever hear, I was wondering about this,

1407. like in prison, did you ever hear of someone that's like,

1408. I don't know, maybe you just heard someone at some point

1409. go, hey there, Mr. Candyman.

1410. - What the fuck!

1411. - That was a long way to go for that.

1412. - Hey there, Mr. Candyman,

1413. how about I have some of that cocaine.

1414. We're you expected, in other words, to get cocaine.

1415. - No, I was not, I was not expected to do that.

1416. And I'm really happy that you brought that up.

1417. - I'm sorry.

1418. - No, it was good, it was really good.

1419. - Hey, Mr. Candyman!

1420. - That never actually—

1421. - But did they call you Mr. Candyman?

1422. - No, you just learned to pick soap up with your feet,

1423. that's all that I learned.

1424. - Why don't you bring me a big rock, Candyman.

1425. You got friends, you got friends on the outside come in.

1426. - Well you do feel better.

1427. - We weren't supposed to mention that!

1428. - We're not, we're not, of course not,

1429. we're not mentioning it.

1430. - Has anyone explained why I'm sitting here?

1431. - No, no.

1432. - Yeah, it was the top 10.

1433. - He didn't wanna bring it up.

1434. Hey, Mr. Candyman, my nose is empty.

1435. Was that really your nickname?

1436. - Yeah, Candyman, that was it.

1437. No, it wasn't Candyman!

1438. Give me another joke.

1439. You know, I'm happy to help out a friend but

1440. the next time my roommate asks for help putting

1441. on sunscreen, he better be talking about his back.

1442. Fool me once.

1443. - Oh no, that was for Adam Eget.

1444. - Why would you put sunscreen on?

1445. - Here's one for you, here.

1446. What's that say?

1447. - The person who invented the frisbee was cremated

1448. and made into Frisbee's after he died.

1449. His body was then spread across roofs

1450. and poorly maintained backyards.

1451. I hope that's true.

1452. - That's like a Trump tweet.

1453. It doesn't make any sense.

1454. - You know what's not as easy as,

1455. we were talking about—

1456. - Easy as pie.

1457. - You know what's not easy as pie,

1458. baking a fucking actual pie.

1459. - Does it say actual fucking in there?

1460. I'm exhausted, my kitchen is...

1461. Oh, you adlibed in there.

1462. That was nice.

1463. - There's no use crying over spilled milk

1464. unless the milk was spilled on your father's

1465. fresh corpse right before his funeral.

1466. - Too many words, it's not bad.

1467. There's no crying over spilled milk.

1468. - Concision, I tried to tell him, concision!

1469. This is what I tell him everyday, what do I tell you?

1470. - Concision!

1471. - I say exaggerate, clarify!

1472. - Wow, what do they say, tragedy plus time equals comedy.

1473. - Listen to Mr. Candyman over here.

1474. He got a lot of ideas but he ain't got a lot of coke.

1475. You were on sentence for 650 grams of ideas.

1476. - Wow, you do feel better.

1477. A New Mexico man was arrested for urinating

1478. on a family at a Metallica concert,

1479. or as Adam Eget knows, it's called foreplay.

1480. - Hey, you were talking about—

1481. - Who's Adam Eget?

1482. - That's the problem, we forgot to introduce him.

1483. But here's a thing, you were talking about how things start,

1484. how sayings start.

1485. - When I grew up, my family was so poor...

1486. We didn't have a pot to piss in

1487. so we pissed in other people's pots.

1488. We'd break into houses the dead of night,

1489. find people's pots and take a giant piss in them

1490. because we had accumulated full bladders

1491. from holding down urine all day long

1492. waiting to piss in people's pots.

1493. Now, literally, if you told this as a character.

1494. - It's too long, huh?

1495. - It's too long but there's so much meat in there.

1496. It's two separate jokes here.

1497. - It may not be long enough.

1498. - I agree, absolutely.

1499. - I say, there's a story there that, you know—

1500. - I don't wanna shoot myself in the foot,

1501. that's another expression.

1502. - Oh boy, here we go.

1503. Nothing funny about Nazis.

1504. You can't even say Nazis.

1505. The only thing about Nazis I've used is—

1506. - Wait, you haven't even said...

1507. - I don't wanna shoot myself in the foot but

1508. my left big toe is a neo Nazi.

1509. Even worse, my big right toe believes that there

1510. should be a gender pay gap.

1511. Gender pay gap.

1512. You can't, not funny, still it's not enough time

1513. except he did kill the mustache style.

1514. - Allegedly.

1515. - Yeah, I've been around Aryan nation guys in prison

1516. that tattooed fuck you on their forehead,

1517. still wouldn't go that far.

1518. You know, they got swastikas everywhere,

1519. but they'd go, nah, that's too much.

1520. - Who did it though?

1521. - Who did what?

1522. Oh yeah, that was bizarre, remember the Hanes commercials.

1523. - Because maybe that's just where it grew.

1524. - Probably the last person I expected

1525. trying to bring back the Hitler mustache.

1526. - Isn't it funny, Charley Chaplin and Hitler,

1527. the only two guys that tried that one.

1528. That looked good.

1529. - I think Hitler took it from Chaplin.

1530. - I think so, too.

1531. - Yeah, he was a man of the people.

1532. - Yeah, and he had the stache obviously before

1533. the great dictator.

1534. - Remember those pictures, remember that picture—

1535. - You're thinking about that?

1536. - Remember World War I, he's like...

1537. - He was photo bombing people.

1538. He was the first photo bomber, he was.

1539. Very common knowledge.

1540. - That'd be a good tweet, maybe not.

1541. - You wanna just avoid—

1542. - I don't know, I bet you have never met—

1543. - A bigger Hitler buff?

1544. - No, he's a revisionist, a Holocaust denier.

1545. - What?

1546. - Oh god.

1547. Wow, you feel better.

1548. - Are you or not?

1549. - No, no, I uh...

1550. - Oh boy, oh boy.

1551. - No, I had a bar mitzvah, I'm full Jew.

1552. I'm just saying Stalin, everyone overlooks Stalin.

1553. I'm just saying Stalin was just as bad.

1554. - Every time Hitler comes up!

1555. - Stalin comes up.

1556. - But yeah, they're both terrible.

1557. - No, no, you wanna get into that.

1558. - Millions of people that guy killed.

1559. - But stay on Hitler.

1560. - What about the Ottomans?

1561. You gotta get into that one.

1562. - The Otto mechanics?

1563. - The Ottoman Empire.

1564. - Oh, yeah, the Ottomans.

1565. - That was horrible.

1566. - And that's very recent, isn't it?

1567. - Yeah.

1568. - I'm not familiar with the Ottomans or

1569. the Byzantine Empire.

1570. - You get the old Armenians tell you that story about that,

1571. you get...

1572. They just did a movie with I think

1573. about the, Elton John had something to do with it,

1574. about the massacre.

1575. - Oh, Disney.

1576. - No, Disney—

1577. - Disney?

1578. - Yeah, they did a musical about the Armenian slaughter.

1579. What is the matter with you?

1580. Jesus.

1581. - This is called a murder,

1582. a group of unicorns is called a blessing,

1583. and a group of cows is called my in laws.

1584. Goodnight!

1585. - You scooted up and it's still okay.

1586. Because you sold it at the end.

1587. I need one.

1588. - Well, you don't like children so this might be perfect.

1589. - I said I don't like...

1590. Do you have children?

1591. - You said you don't like children.

1592. - Did I?

1593. - Many times, many times.

1594. - I exaggerate to clarify.

1595. - When did you not say that?

1596. - A hippos mouth is wide enough to fit in four

1597. four foot tall child.

1598. Really, huh?

1599. I like hippos.

1600. Unfortunately after measuring the hippos mouth,

1601. almost all the children were eaten.

1602. - What?

1603. - A hippos mouth is wide enough to fit a four

1604. foot tall child.

1605. Unfortunately after measuring the hippos mouth,

1606. almost all the children were eaten.

1607. - I know the Bible says not to covet thy neighbor's wife,

1608. but it doesn't say a damn thing about coveting

1609. thy neighbor's husband,

1610. especially his sweet, hot fucking asshole.

1611. - His sweet butt in there?

1612. You just toss all that stuff in there.

1613. But it is true, it doesn't say anything about

1614. coveting thy neighbor's husband.

1615. You make a good point, Norm.

1616. - What about women, young women?

1617. - The Statue of Liberty is setting a bad example

1618. for young women.

1619. When times get tough, you just can't stand motionless

1620. for centuries holding a torch.

1621. - That's true.

1622. - You've got a point.

1623. - What about this, what about this?

1624. - Wear a dress and as people walk around—

1625. - Steve, you know, the man behind the cameras now on camera.

1626. - Steve won't do it.

1627. - I'm really more of a booster.

1628. Artifacts from Auschwitz are set to go on tour

1629. for the first time.

1630. - Wow, you guys won't stop.

1631. - Experts believe that this will be Miley Cyrus's

1632. darkest opening act yet.

1633. - Wow, wow.

1634. I might open with that in Vegas,

1635. that'll get the crowd walking out.

1636. - I'm gonna let the great Tim Allen,

1637. one of the best joke tellers to ever live.

1638. - I'm not no Jay.

1639. - Jay is amazing.

1640. - He's an amazing joke teller.

1641. - Jay—

1642. - The funniest guy on the planet though is Marty Short.

1643. - Yeah.

1644. - Marty Short, I can't be around him because

1645. he constantly hurts me, but he's not a standup.

1646. - He can't help himself.

1647. Isn't that weird that he's not a standup?

1648. - He's not a standup.

1649. - We did The View, he and I, for a movie we did together

1650. and the first time ever, those women were speechless.

1651. I mean, we owned that show.

1652. He's so friggin funny.

1653. We did a whole bit in the makeup trailer about

1654. all the theater we'd done.

1655. - I'm trying to remember that movie.

1656. - Everything's a theater play.

1657. - The Jiminy Glick, it is so hilarious.

1658. Because he can say—

1659. - The most horrible shit to you.

1660. His chin was coming off when I did it, this whole piece,

1661. and I kept going, his, his...

1662. And he wouldn't come out of character.

1663. And I said, but this is all coming out.

1664. Your name again, who are you.

1665. He's horrible, he's a horrible man.

1666. - Yeah, somebody told me, I don't know,

1667. maybe Steve Myers, somebody said, oh yeah,

1668. that's Marty being Marty.

1669. So, this is going to be the final joke.

1670. I hold in my hand the final joke.

1671. You're supposed to all applaud.

1672. - Well, when you ask for it, it's not worth it!

1673. - May a dog in heat romance your leg

1674. in the month of September.

1675. This is the final joke.

1676. Now, I want you to read ahead.

1677. - All right, read ahead?

1678. - Read ahead, so you know.

1679. - All right, a new study finds—

1680. - And before, hold on.

1681. Before he finishes, because I wanna end with a big joke

1682. by one of the greatest joke tellers.

1683. - Leno's on his way in.

1684. - And, um, so I'll say thank you very much to Tim Allen

1685. for gracing our show.

1686. - You guys did great, thanks.

1687. - There it is, there's the camera right there.

1688. - Just brought it from home.

1689. You have the smallest cameras I've ever seen.

1690. Listen, a new study finds that men are more likely

1691. to blame stress from work as a contributor

1692. to poor mental health, while women are more likely

1693. to jabber on about something or other.

1694. Why you give me that one?

1695. To get those cards and letters,

1696. take a shot at the broads, that's a good idea.