Norm Macdonald Live 3x12

1. - We are back for another season of Norm Macdonald Live

2. and my trusty sidekick Adam Eget

3. to my immediate right you will recognize.

4. How has your hiatus been?

5. What have you been doing, what have you been up to?

6. - Oh it's been great.

7. - What's been occupying your time and mind?

8. - Oh you know just work, I'm glad that we've come back.

9. It's been great—

10. - What kind of work are you doing?

11. - I'm still— - Still with the—

12. - Still with the Comedy Store. - Oh.

13. - Still booking the store.

14. - You're booking the Comedy Store?

15. - Yeah.

16. - What happened to the job you had putting in fence posts?

17. - Oh it didn't work out.

18. - It didn't work out, why not?

19. - I just wasn't very good at it.

20. - Okay. - Yeah.

21. - So now you're back where? - The Comedy Store.

22. - Where you can buy comedy.

23. - It's not that kind of store. - Yeah.

24. I don't do a lot of, I don't like to sell my comedy.

25. - Again it's not an actual store, that's just the name.

26. It's just a comedy club. - Mm-hm, mm-hm.

27. Well another thing I like to do over my hiatus, of course,

28. is indulge my insatiable appetite for history.

29. - Oh yeah you love history.

30. - And of course I'm now very interested,

31. because of you, you've put me on to this,

32. this whole thing about the Nazis.

33. - Mm-hmm. - You tell me,

34. you gotta watch more of this Nazi propaganda where

35. this Leni Riefenstyle, what's her name?

36. - Leni Riefenstahl. - Leni Riefenstahl.

37. And I agree with you, she is a fine director, fine director.

38. - I recommended the movie Rudy.

39. - Has Leni Riefenstahl done any comedies?

40. - Not that I'm aware of, no.

41. - Well, she's very good at what she does.

42. And you know what I like about it?

43. There's always something new.

44. - What do you mean, new?

45. - New audio and video recording are being found.

46. Yes, yes. - Seems like they would have

47. covered everything. - Matter of fact,

48. one came out just last week.

49. A shot of, I think it was the Nuremberg, um—

50. - Rally? - Yes, the Nuremberg Rally.

51. And that's a fascinating one because

52. they have some very rare recordings.

53. If you listen to it very carefully, very closely

54. you can hear people speak.

55. Let's take a listen.

56. I'll show you what I'm talking about.

57. - OK.

58. - I'll show you what I'm talking about.

59. Look at the use of architecture.

60. It's a bird.

61. - Yeah.

62. - But look at this,

63. now listen very carefully right here.

64. - Do you have the tickets?

65. What row are we in?

66. - Me, I don't have the tickets, you have the tickets.

67. - This is so embarrassing.

68. We're late as it is, and now we don't even have the—

69. - Will you two idiots shut up?

70. I got the tickets.

71. - What row are we in?

72. - Well, let's see, G44, G45, G52.

73. - What, we're not even sitting together?

74. - I think we passed the G section.

75. This is section D.

76. - Shit, well just find a place and sit down.

77. - Oh, I don't think so, I don't think so.

78. They are really strict here, really strict.

79. - So there it is.

80. It does stir the heart, you were right about that.

81. You were right about that, yeah.

82. - That was talking. - You said to watch the,

83. you said I would get a big kick out of the.

84. Now, I don't agree with what the man said.

85. That's where you and I part ways,

86. but I liked it, I liked the scope of it.

87. The bigness, I guess.

88. - That's not the film I suggested to you.

89. I told you to watch Rudy. - Yep.

90. - Rudy.

91. - I don't know what the fellow's name was, but—

92. - That's not, it's, that's in a stadium.

93. No, I'm talking about Rudy, Notre Dame football.

94. - Yeah, a big stadium, that was a fine, fine, fine film.

95. And I thank you for it, but there some things, again,

96. that you will never talk me into

97. and I do not care for that man.

98. When we return, a third will be with us, Margaret Cho.

99. Our guest tonight wrote these lyrics.

100. The song that's called My Puss.

101. The lyrics go somewhat like this.

102. My puss looks so fantastic.

103. Your puss smells like burnt plastic.

104. My puss likes it nice and rough.

105. Whereas your puss has some bad dandruff.

106. My puss is so fine that I flaunt it,

107. whereas your puss is so old it is haunted.

108. My puss makes everybody horny.

109. Your puss looks somewhat like Barney.

110. My puss won 15 Tonys, your puss hangs down to your knees.

111. My puss must be pretty if it showed,

112. whereas your puss has its own ZIP Code.

113. I rather liked that one.

114. My puss won the FIFA World Cup.

115. Your puss makes me sneeze and throw up.

116. My puss is soft like velvet,

117. whereas your puss is dead like Elvis.

118. The author of those lyrics, our guest tonight, Margaret Cho.

119. And welcome.

120. And my sidekick, Adam Eget is with us.

121. And we've been on hiatus Margaret

122. and we're just getting back so you'll excuse us

123. if we aren't as good at the—

124. - I don't like to lick anybody's asshole, because it's like

125. putting your tongue on a nine volt battery.

126. - There is a copper feel to it.

127. - It's coppery and it's acrid.

128. - Yeah, yeah, it's pennies, yeah.

129. - It's like pennies, they taste like pennies.

130. - I've been told. - I don't like the flavor.

131. - He calls it pennies from heaven.

132. - But yeah, I'm not anally inclined.

133. I was much more into it when I was younger.

134. I don't like it anymore. - This is what I've learned.

135. There's a phrase, anal, when you're tidy.

136. You're meticulous, you're cleaning up,

137. oh, that fellow's anal. - Mm-hmm.

138. - Anyway. - Anal retentive.

139. Are you anal retentive? - So what I learned is.

140. - Mm-hmm. - You should,

141. instead of the word anal, you should just use the word tidy,

142. because what happens is a guy'll get out of jail, big fella,

143. weigh 300, 400 pounds come over to your house

144. and he's cleaning up and he's meticulous.

145. "By golly," you say, "Rocco, you seem like an anal fella."

146. And you're like, "Oh, stop, don't hit me anymore."

147. He starts hitting you.

148. - Oh, no.

149. - And I realized I should've just said tidy.

150. - Yeah, not anal.

151. - No, and you know, I get out my OED

152. and try to explain to him.

153. It doesn't work, but you were making a point earlier

154. in the car. - Oh about,

155. yeah, about just that whole class, I guess you would call it

156. because Mr. Show was like my generation's Monty Python.

157. - Yeah.

158. - I remember it was a big event and—

159. - My generation's Monty Python was Monty Python.

160. - Was probably Monty Python. - Yes.

161. - But did you have a sense at that time

162. that you guys were really in the center of something, oh—

163. - See, but on before the Monty Python was The Goon Show.

164. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - I don't know The Goon Show.

165. What's it called, The Goon Show?

166. - The Goon Show or Spike Milligan, yeah.

167. - Oh, OK. - The Goon Show.

168. - That guy was funny. - The clown prince of comedy.

169. - The what? - Is that what they call him?

170. Or is that Spike Jones? - That's Ernie Kovacs, too.

171. - Oh. - That's all like very cool

172. like, old TV that was very surreal.

173. But Mr. Show was also very surreal.

174. And yeah, we did have a sense that something was happening,

175. that we were around something great and that something

176. amazing was in our midst and you know, we'd see Weezer

177. in Spin magazine and one of the guys had a T-shirt

178. that he'd written I love Janeane Garofalo on it.

179. - That's pretty.

180. - You know, it was like the nineties

181. was such a vibrant time.

182. - What was the enemy at that time?

183. - The enemy?

184. Um, I don't know if we had an enemy.

185. - Prop comedy.

186. - I mean, was Saturday Night, what was the old guard?

187. Was Saturday Night Live the old guard?

188. Was it considered— - No, no.

189. They were all on SNL, you know.

190. You were on SNL. - Laura, Janeane.

191. - Laura was on it, Janeane was on it, it was very—

192. - Sarah. - Yeah Sarah Silverman

193. was on it, it was a very big deal.

194. - But they were all very, they weren't really on much.

195. - No, no, it was— - That show was more

196. a standard, obvious— - I think, yeah,

197. it was more establishment, but we were still involved in it.

198. You know, you guys were still all a part of it,

199. which is amazing, because finally we were seeing

200. ourselves reflected back in real media

201. in these real institutions like SNL, in movies,

202. and in TV. - But I bet at the time

203. you know, David Cross was like it's SNL.

204. - No.

205. - Was there a lot of that? - Well, the difference

206. between the show Mr. Show and SNL

207. was pretty vast, because SNL was very structured

208. and kind of like fits this format that it always has done,

209. but Mr. Show was totally surreal, totally rock 'n' roll.

210. Lots of drug humor, lots of weird stuff.

211. You know, my favorite is when David Cross is in the,

212. his head is through the bed

213. and he's like a hot dog, Titannica.

214. - He tried to commit suicide, but in a vat of acid.

215. - Yeah, so he didn't all the way melt

216. so he's just like a hot dog, and I remember

217. being in the audience of that and I could not believe

218. how funny it was, like it was so incredibly ridiculous.

219. I just laughed so hard, it was so good.

220. - That was a really funny show.

221. - It's a really funny sketch, but they were so, like,

222. I mean David Cross always makes me die laughing.

223. - Yeah, David Cross is great.

224. - He's so funny.

225. - You know what I loved about SNL

226. over any alternative show up 'till then?

227. 'Cause obviously that was an alternative show

228. when it came on.

229. But SNL and the first David Letterman show at 12:30

230. were the only shows I ever saw on television

231. where everything didn't kill.

232. Like, every other show, every other sketch show,

233. every other, everything would kill.

234. - Mm-hmm.

235. - Everyone would laugh at everything that was said.

236. - Well, except for SCTV.

237. Sometimes they didn't even have a laugh track on SCTV.

238. - No, but they didn't have a laugh track.

239. But I mean, if it had an audience it would kill.

240. And the only two shows I ever saw

241. were the first Letterman, the 12:30 Letterman,

242. they didn't laugh sometimes. - Did you do comedy?

243. - You could bomb. - You did comedy on that show?

244. - Yeah, you could bomb on that show.

245. - Yeah, well, I bombed a lot on TV,

246. but it just sort of was OK, it was part of it.

247. Although I am banned from the Tonight Show

248. from doing stand-up comedy because I switched my set

249. and I didn't do what I was supposed to do.

250. - Uh-huh. - And I was like,

251. nervous and I kind of bombed and I ran out of time

252. and then I was like, oh, I just kept going

253. and I didn't know what to do,

254. because I wanted to end on a laugh.

255. So I can do sit-down, I can sit down at the desk

256. and do the interview, but I can't do stand-up comedy,

257. which I did, I guess, anyway—

258. - You're promoted anyway, isn't it?

259. - You're promoted anyway if you're sitting down.

260. - Yeah, you're promoted.

261. - But I always thought I would want to do stand-up comedy.

262. Like, I always wanted to do comedy on Letterman,

263. but I did the sit-down interviews.

264. So I was an actress, not a comic.

265. - Right.

266. - So I never got that feeling.

267. You know, it's a different feeling.

268. - Yeah, no, I had that problem where people

269. at some point didn't even know I was a stand-up,

270. 'cause I was always doing—

271. - The sit-down.

272. - The sit-down, yeah. - The panel.

273. - Yes, they thought, oh, this guy's like a Orson Bean.

274. You know, they wouldn't I had an act.

275. - Orson Bean?

276. - Just a raconteur, you know what I mean?

277. But when we come back

278. we will not talk about Orson Bean.

279. We are back with the incomparable, the inimitable

280. or you could say imitable, this is complementary.

281. Margaret Cho's our guest and fire yourself up a colortini

282. and enjoy as Adam Eget interviews a little bit.

283. - Well, you also wanted me to add,

284. you wanted me to bring up about Super Dave,

285. 'cause all of our fans love Super Dave.

286. - Yeah.

287. - I think it's my favorite episode.

288. Our first episode we ever did was with Super Dave Osborne.

289. And we found out off-camera that

290. your brother worked with— - My brother is Fuji.

291. - Fuji, that's amazing.

292. - Yeah, he's like a third-generation Fuji,

293. so he's not the original Fuji,

294. but he's like kind of come in later as a Fuji,

295. so I'm not sure what number Fuji.

296. So he's in comedy, too.

297. - And he lives in Los Angeles? - Yes, yes.

298. - Does he know Super Dave socially?

299. - Yes, yes.

300. - 'Cause Super Dave seems to love Fuji.

301. I golf with him and he loves everybody on that show.

302. - It's great, I love Super Dave, he's so funny.

303. - Yeah, Super Dave, he's funny.

304. - He's a real character. - He's very, he's like,

305. does he still Velcro himself or shoot himself out of things?

306. - I'm sure he does.

307. - I mean, he's sort of an older gentleman now.

308. - Yes.

309. - So it seems like it would be taxing.

310. - And we were also saying that

311. your brother works with him and his brother is Albert Brooks

312. and I think they have a little sibling thing

313. because Albert Brooks was always looked at as the genius.

314. - Cerebral. - Yes, whereas,

315. you know, Super Dave is also quite intelligent,

316. but maybe looked at differently, but anyways.

317. - He's more an action man. - Let the interview continue.

318. - He's an auteur and his brother's a—

319. - You were in a Bob Hope special?

320. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That seems impossible.

321. - No, I was discovered by Bob Hope.

322. - You were?

323. - That was like one of my first television jobs, yeah.

324. - Goodness gracious.

325. - Remember those young comedians, the comedians special.

326. So he would have like five comics.

327. - No.

328. - This was every year he would do around Christmastime

329. and he would have five comics and the year that I did it

330. I believe was Dana Gould, Caroline Rhea,

331. I don't remember the other performers,

332. but we all filmed and it was very stressful

333. because you would have to do the press junket

334. at Bob Hope's house, which is filled with portraits

335. of clowns by Phyllis Diller. - Oh, wow.

336. - He was a major collector of Phyllis Diller's art.

337. - Oh my God, that's amazing. - He was a major collector.

338. - It was really an assault on the senses,

339. because it was just all of these crazy clowns

340. and then Bob Hope who was so old he couldn't hear you

341. or see you or talk to you or anything,

342. but you were still there with him for the entire day.

343. - Holy shit.

344. - It was very strange.

345. And then so we'd do the show.

346. - And to be in the presence of Bob Hope.

347. - Well, he was barely alive.

348. He was just being sort of pushed around by Linda Hope,

349. his daughter, kind of carried to places.

350. He did sets, but they were pieced together

351. because he couldn't remember anything

352. and the whole time you would see and hear Linda going,

353. "Dad, dad," like trying to get him to wake back up,

354. 'cause he would fall asleep during the sets.

355. But he actually tried to do comedy

356. and then they would edit it all together

357. to make it look like he had done a set

358. on a soundstage with an audience.

359. - And around what year was that?

360. - That was about, I guess, '90, '89?

361. - Wow.

362. - And that was the time period.

363. And the first one I watched, I watched it

364. at J. J. Abrams' house, who's now the big director

365. of Star Wars and produces a lot of things.

366. And so I would watch it at his house.

367. That's how long ago it was.

368. We'd all get together and watch it.

369. - Was it a Christmas-type of a show?

370. - It was a Christmas-type show.

371. I remember that it was like a holiday event

372. and then it was a big deal if you got picked to be on it.

373. - Sure.

374. - Because there was like, different degrees of success

375. you could have, like you could be a Star Search comedian,

376. which I also was, or you could be

377. an Evening at the Improv comedian,

378. or you could be a Letter, I think of you

379. as like a Letterman comedian.

380. Or you could be a young comedian, special comedian.

381. And that's what I was, yeah.

382. - How did you fare on Star Search?

383. - Not very well, because I was not allowed to do

384. regular Star Search, I had to do Star Search International.

385. - So did he.

386. - So we did Star Search International.

387. - He lost to The Bushman. - Who?

388. - The Bushman. - The Bushman.

389. - Who is The Bushman? - He's from Africa.

390. Well, it turns out Seattle, but.

391. He wore a tribal robe. - Oh, OK.

392. - And so he was much more international than I was.

393. - Yeah, I think I lost to Jim Tavare.

394. He was from London and he would climb up on his cello.

395. He had played the upright bass, not cello, upright bass.

396. And he would climb up on it and play.

397. Then also competing, Jerry Bigno.

398. - Oh yeah.

399. - Who did not—

400. - He's Canadian.

401. - He's Canadian, but he was representing India.

402. - India.

403. - So, I was representing Korea, for whatever reason,

404. but I didn't win, that's too bad.

405. - My manager got me on that show.

406. I said, "Oh, I don't want to do the Star Search."

407. He said, "No, this is International Star Search.

408. "It pays a million dollars if you win."

409. He just lied to me. - It's a lie.

410. But then you only had to do one round,

411. instead of a grueling entire season,

412. so it actually kind of worked out better.

413. - Right, right.

414. - You know. - But after you'd already lost

415. and you knew you lost,

416. then you'd have to come back at the end

417. and face the music. - But I remember,

418. we got a room, I got a room at the Sportsmen's Lodge.

419. - You and Bob Hope? - Ooh.

420. - For Star Search. - On Ventura?

421. - So we got, yeah— - Sportsmen's Lodge,

422. I love that place. - Sportsmen's Lodge

423. and Janeane Garofalo came over

424. and we spent the night in the room.

425. - Nice. - That's cool.

426. - You know, he used to love rendezvous

427. over at the Sportsmen's Lodge?

428. Don Knotts. - Oh, yes.

429. - You know what his big line was to the ladies

430. on Three's Company?

431. They'd go to the smokehouse and John Ritter

432. was very faithful to his wife.

433. So there was, Richard Kind, he wasn't a player, you know,

434. but Don Knotts was, and so Don Knotts' big lines

435. to what they called the bimbos of the week.

436. Just the beautiful girls that would come to the show,

437. when nobody was looking he'd put some booze in their beer.

438. - Oh my goodness. - And make a funny face.

439. Even while he was doing his thing inside the room.

440. And they'd he say to the girl, he'd go, he'd say,

441. "I'm married, but it's not going well."

442. He charmed them, and then he took 'em

443. to the Sportsmen's Lodge and Bob Hope was there a lot, too.

444. He liked to take women there. - Oh.

445. - And you met there. - I went there—

446. - With Bob Hope, with Janeane Garofalo.

447. - With Janeane Garofalo. - For Star Search.

448. - I also did a show there with Steve Allen

449. when he was alive.

450. - Oh, yeah.

451. - He was very, very old.

452. - Very old.

453. - And kind of puttering around backstage

454. wanting to get a ride home, very strange.

455. But he was really nice, it was just odd to see him

456. that kind of not there, not completely there.

457. That was really close to before he died.

458. - Yeah, they really should euthanize them at some point.

459. - I know, really, they should be put down.

460. Who did I see, and I love Jackie Mason,

461. but boy, the last time I saw him

462. it was just like a wax figure standing there,

463. you know what I mean?

464. - Aww.

465. - I talked to him and— - Yeah.

466. - 'Cause I loved it when he made the comeback

467. and he was so funny.

468. I remember he's not a very good person, but I don't care,

469. but his act,

470. but his shows became more and more Yiddish

471. to where he was basically a canter up there, you know?

472. Very hard to understand, but still,

473. the rhythm made you laugh.

474. And I remember his big joke was at that time,

475. you could go across the border, you could not bring produce.

476. - Uh-huh.

477. - But it was all right if you had AIDS.

478. - Oh, God.

479. - So he's day, "Yeah, you, wait a second.

480. "You with the AIDS, with the disease in your body

481. "that you could spread that kill people.

482. "The modern-day plague.

483. "What's that in your back pocket, is that an orange?"

484. Now your dad was a humor columnist?

485. That's what it says on this blue card.

486. - Mm-hmm, he was a joke writer.

487. He was an archivist, so he wrote

488. a lot of different kinds of stuff,

489. but one of them was jokes and he had different columns

490. and different things, he did radio shows.

491. He still does, to some extent, he's a writer.

492. - He still does.

493. - Yeah.

494. - So you come from show business.

495. - Yes.

496. - And yet you play your mother as not a—

497. - She's very country, she's very like,

498. "I don't know that."

499. - She sounds like she's not show business at all but she is.

500. - Oh, she's so show business. - She is show business.

501. - She loves to be on TV,

502. she loves those those reality shows.

503. We did Celebrity Wife Swap, she was like,

504. "I love Holly Robinson-Peete."

505. She loves Holly Robinson-Peete.

506. "I love Holly!"

507. She wanted to trade me for Holly Robinson-Peete.

508. So they do love the camera, my family.

509. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great

510. that you give them an opportunity to be in front of a—

511. - That is pretty rare. - It's all right.

512. - My mom loves that too, I don't have an opportunity.

513. I wish I did, wait. - Well, don't look at me.

514. - No, you're, you're huh? - You have here...

515. - No, I my mom loves show biz too and hopefully one day

516. I'll be able to— - Don't look at me.

517. - It's like you're staring into my soul.

518. - No, I'm just watching an interview.

519. - You're not watching, oh, I wasn't interviewing,

520. I was just, that was an aside.

521. - Mm-hmm. - What's the next question?

522. - Oh, do you want a question?

523. You can't think of one yourself?

524. - Oh no, I have plenty, I just wanted you to go on.

525. - Oh, you don't want to interview Margaret?

526. - I was. - Oh, go ahead.

527. - Huh, oh, uh.

528. We took a couple years off.

529. I'm not built for this. - It's OK.

530. - When we get back though, we'll be telling jokes.

531. - Awesome.

532. - With the great and pioneering, continues to be

533. on this new issue, Margaret Cho.

534. Since Norm MacDonald Live premiered over two years ago,

535. one thing has remained consistent throughout.

536. Jokes.

537. So we're gonna do some jokes with,

538. this is a rather troublesome thing I've got to address.

539. This was in Adam Eget's dressing room.

540. If you can read it, it says ISIS Hunting Permit.

541. - It's not mine. - No.

542. - It's not mine. - Whether or not it's yours,

543. you were defending it earlier

544. when we talked about it just now.

545. I said, "What does this mean even?

546. Hunting Permit, everyone would want to kill ISIS.

547. And then you said, "No, I wouldn't want to kill ISIS."

548. - I don't, no, I think you're—

549. - What did you say just now? - No, I'm saying that,

550. first of all, it doesn't make sense.

551. - When I said ISIS hunting permit, I said wait,

552. does that mean, ISIS hunting permit,

553. does that mean that this is supposed to be taken

554. as some sort of redneck thing?

555. - Yeah, it seems like it would be on like a redneck—

556. - Why would this be a redneck thing?

557. - Well, it just seems typical of something

558. you'd see on the back of a pickup truck.

559. - But I said after that, I said,

560. "But no, everyone would want to kill ISIS."

561. - I think, I guess— - And what did you say?

562. - I think that it's just, the thing is,

563. is that somebody would use that as permission

564. to kill Muslims just because they couldn't differentiate

565. between who is ISIS and who is—

566. - Why would they not say Muslim hunting permit?

567. - Um, well, because they sort of look at all Muslims

568. as being ISIS, you know?

569. That's the problem,

570. when people want to deport all the Muslims from America

571. they think that they're all part of ISIS when in truth

572. they're not, they're not.

573. - Correct. - At all.

574. - Uh-huh, OK. - It's like saying,

575. somebody like Timothy McVeigh is all Christians.

576. - Yeah, I've read some figures of 80%

577. of a lot of these nations don't agree with,

578. they're against ISIS. - Very well spoken.

579. - The point, I don't know where you found this.

580. It's not from my dressing room.

581. I don't have a dressing room.

582. - Well who cares about a dressing room?

583. We're talking about, did you hear what—

584. - Yes, I agree with everything Margaret just said, 1000%.

585. - Yes, I mean, I don't disagree.

586. I think ISIS is terrible. - Absolutely.

587. - And everybody here listed, Boko Haram in particular

588. I have a lot of rage towards.

589. However, somebody would take this in the wrong way.

590. I mean, somebody would look at this and think of it

591. as permission to kill all Muslims,

592. which is sort of a sentiment that's going around

593. in conservative circles, which is not the right way

594. to look at Muslim-America. - Yeah, it's like after 9/11

595. people were shooting Sikhs, people from India

596. who had nothing to—

597. - Nothing to do.

598. - Yeah.

599. - And it's just this unawareness of—

600. - It's ignorance.

601. - People who are different from them.

602. Not even different in America.

603. - Well, I can't say my friend's name,

604. but he said his biggest fear

605. is

606. that ISIS or some terrorist group like that

607. would get ahold of a dirty bomb

608. and explode it over a major city within the United States.

609. And kill tens of millions of people

610. because then, the blowback against innocent Muslims

611. would be absolutely terrible. - Mm-hmm.

612. - Yes, that's true. - That's true.

613. - OK, let's do some jokes.

614. - That went well, Josh.

615. - Now, this is a great joke.

616. This is, I think, a classic joke.

617. This may have been written by, who's this new boy

618. that I've taken quite an unhealthy interest with?

619. - Black, Scott Black.

620. - Scott Black.

621. Black.

622. Anyways, I really liked this Black.

623. See what you think of this joke.

624. If you could just speak this joke out loud into that camera.

625. You don't have to read ahead, or you can if you like.

626. - I'm taking a fascinating class—

627. - Try to, you know, use your comic timing and delivery.

628. - OK, I'm taking a fascinating class all about

629. the Hollywood Freeway.

630. It's called 101101. - 101 101, 101 101.

631. - Good joke, that's good. - That's pretty good, right?

632. Pretty good, here's one.

633. Mrs. Donald J. Trump fresh from a plagiarism scandal

634. is facing a different kind of heat.

635. A racy photo spread from '95 has emerged

636. with photos of Melania Trump lying nude

637. in a bed as another naked model embraces her from behind

638. just below her breasts, which are fully exposed.

639. Another photo shows the other naked model

640. in sheer stockings, a low-cut bustier and high heels

641. raising a whip as if preparing to spank Melania

642. who pretends to recoil.

643. Jeez, who does Melania think she is, Mamie Eisenhower?

644. Crowds in Brazil greeted arriving Olympians

645. with signs reading welcome to hell.

646. Can you imagine that?

647. Their local Chamber of Commerce

648. really needs to brush up on the basics.

649. Did you like that joke?

650. It's always funny because when he started he sucked at jokes

651. and no one liked them, but he's getting a lot better.

652. - He's better. - Yeah.

653. - OK. - Just say it to that camera.

654. - Oh, right.

655. There's no hard evidence

656. that flossing helps your teeth much, scientists now say,

657. though they add, it is a great activity

658. for people who enjoy tedious repetitious drudgery.

659. - Some of them, some of them he's gotten better.

660. - Yeah, that was a stumble, that wasn't great.

661. - That was good, that was good.

662. - You always know a joke's good when the response is,

663. "That was good."

664. In lieu of laughter.

665. Oh, but what about New York City?

666. Apparently horse manure has taken over New York City.

667. How 'bout that, isn't that terrible?

668. Anyways, here's a joke for the great Margaret Cho.

669. - The heat wave striking New York City this week

670. has led to piles of horse manure to spontaneously combust

671. so for the first time in history,

672. you could explain why New York City

673. smells like a flaming pile of horse shit.

674. - Oh, Jesus.

675. Only Margaret could have pulled that one off.

676. Who wrote that, you?

677. You let 'em write three jokes a week.

678. My mom was a drug addict, so we had a lot of cookies

679. that she had baked, but you know what her secret was?

680. Love.

681. Ecstasy-induced love.

682. Now, you should read ahead on this one.

683. But I think this will be a good joke for you.

684. - TBS—

685. - Well, you're not reading ahead.

686. - Oh.

687. TBS is developing a Notorious B.I.G. inspired comedy series

688. which I guess explains their new slogan,

689. TBS, fucking dog shit.

690. - I don't know.

691. Sometimes you don't want to say that,

692. because then TBS will phone you and say,

693. we're interested in, what's that, you know.

694. Oh, last week Pope Francis paid a somber visit to Auschwitz,

695. which surprised me, because I thought

696. he was one of those fun ghosts.

697. Is he dead?

698. I don't know, in my time they died, they didn't retire.

699. You know what I mean?

700. Go back to their first love, Jesus.

701. August fourth is the birthday

702. of the great poet Percy Shelley.

703. Do you like Shelley?

704. - I do.

705. - Yeah.

706. Jazz great Louie Armstrong.

707. Who doesn't like Louie Armstrong?

708. Well not you, but it's not personal.

709. It's the entire.

710. - What, no— - And the day in 1882

711. that Lizzie Borden grabbed the ax

712. and did her best Paul Bunyan impression,

713. cleaving her father and stepmother's heads

714. like hot grapefruits.

715. Because their skulls were split with such precision

716. it is believed her parents were asleep

717. and therefore didn't suffer so they say.

718. So anyways— - Was that a joke?

719. - What about this, this is an actual joke.

720. - OK. - Technically.

721. It could be proven to be a joke.

722. - I know I'm not the most attractive

723. when women look at me I can tell they're—

724. - You know you're not the most attractive man in the world.

725. - I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world,

726. but when women look at me I— - Not but.

727. As evidence of it. - Oh right, right.

728. This is to support it, yeah, this.

729. - I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world.

730. - I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world.

731. - As a matter of fact.

732. - When women look at me,

733. I can tell they're overdressing me with their eyes.

734. - That one's pretty good. - Good, good one.

735. That's good.

736. - Uh, I don't like doing homeless guy jokes.

737. - OK. - Fuck those.

738. Know what I mean? - Mm-mm.

739. - They really need to be made fun of, you know.

740. You guys talk.

741. - Are you going to read all those jokes?

742. - Oh, no, oh, no, these are just gonna go into a pile

743. for use on the—

744. - Didn't your cousin have trouble during the war on drugs?

745. - My cousin got a purple heart during the war on drugs.

746. - Well, that's good.

747. - After he tragically overdosed on cocaine.

748. - Oh.

749. - I had a wild night last night.

750. Boy, I was in an orgy.

751. It was me, my iPad, my laptop,

752. and TV while my phone watched.

753. It's more of a comment, really.

754. - Yeah, that's more of a commentary, comment.

755. - You know, I was raised Catholic

756. and when people find out they always assume

757. there was some creepy priest involved, you know?

758. But they never suspect the deacon!

759. Were you raised in a broken home?

760. I heard that from somebody.

761. - Yes, I was raised in a broken home.

762. My father was a drunk carpenter.

763. - That's why I got into the business, right?

764. Jokes. - Yeah, yeah.

765. - Do you remember when you were a little girl,

766. who made you laugh?

767. Or anybody in movies that made you laugh?

768. - Flip Wilson. - Flip Wilson Show.

769. By golly, I keep forgetting about him.

770. - Geraldine. - God dang, we'd all do that.

771. We'd do all the, you know, he'd do the elbows.

772. - And LaWanda Page.

773. - Oh, how funny is she? - LaWanda Page.

774. - Have you heard, you must have heard

775. LaWanda Page's albums. - Mm-hmm.

776. - Where she's incredibly dirty.

777. - She's so dirty, she's so funny.

778. - Oh my God. - She's so great.

779. - I played it for you, right?

780. - Fantastic, yeah.

781. - Dolemite with Rudy Ray Moore.

782. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's incredible.

783. - That's hilarious, Joe blow the lover man.

784. - And that's because those guys,

785. they were playing in these illegal speakeasies anyway,

786. so they could say whatever the hell they wanted.

787. - It's amazing.

788. I did a movie with Dolemite before he died.

789. - Wow, really?

790. - Shaolin Dolemite?

791. - No, I was in, Shaolin Dolemite.

792. I was in this thing called Fakin' da Funk

793. which was about a Chinese exchange student

794. who gets dropped off in South Central.

795. - Oh my God.

796. - So it's a My Fair Lady, but with Dolemite.

797. And so I learned to be part of the community.

798. - Well, I'll definitely be watching that.

799. - Wow. - It's a good one.

800. - That sounds awesome. - It's really really amazing.

801. - I'm down to watch that. - Oh, I'm dead serious.

802. - And it's quite a film. - Can you get it to watch?

803. - Yeah. - Gotta watch that.

804. - Yeah. - I wrote a book.

805. - Yeah? - Yeah.

806. You wrote a book.

807. - Mm-hmm.

808. - Did you like the process of writing a book?

809. - I did.

810. - Yeah, I don't like it so much.

811. - No.

812. - How long did it take you, Norm?

813. - Took me a long time to write it.

814. - Yeah.

815. - I told them I could do it in a year

816. and then after three years I threw everything away.

817. - After three years.

818. - Threw it away so I wouldn't rewrite any of it.

819. - Yeah. - I burned it.

820. - You burned it? - Burned the paper it was on.

821. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - I don't use a computer

822. or anything. - You just burn the paper.

823. - Burned all the paper so I wouldn't use any scraps

824. of the little clever lines I had or anything like that.

825. But anyways, it's finally coming out.

826. And I have to get my American citizenship.

827. - Oh, you haven't got that yet.

828. - I told them I had it.

829. - OK, good.

830. - I don't have it.

831. And I need it or I can't win a National Book Award.

832. - Oh, now you need it.

833. - Now I need it, but it takes a long time.

834. - OK.

835. - I thought it took a short time.

836. I've never been on top of trends, I guess.

837. You know, when everybody was burning CDs

838. I was still burning books.

839. Were people burning CDs for a while?

840. - Yeah. - Yeah, on their computers.

841. - It was like making mix tapes.

842. - Yeah, you'd burn a CD. - Huh.

843. I heard about a terrible thing.

844. You ever hear about the guy that burned the Quran?

845. I heard about a guy, he made on his computer

846. 1,000 different word documents of the Quran,

847. like the PDFs and he deleted all of them.

848. - Oh, it's like a book.

849. - Anyways.

850. We better take a break, but you were telling me

851. before the show a story about a sad pizza that you knew?

852. That you were friends with a sad pizza.

853. How do you know that that pizza was so sad?

854. - I mean, have you heard of the sad pizza?

855. - No. - It cuts itself.

856. - Oh.

857. - Oh.

858. That is sad.

859. - Thank you for making us laugh for so long and

860. - Thank you. - for so long in the future.

861. - Thank you. - Adam Eget.

862. Thanks for nothin'.

863. We'll be back next week.