Norm Macdonald Live 3x1

1. - So this is it, huh?

2. This is the book.

3. Two years of my life and finally, I wrote a real book.

4. And, you can get this on Amazon.

5. You an pre-order it.

6. - You can pre-order it right now.

7. - That's fantastic.

8. How have the pre-orders been going?

9. - Well, based on the pre-orders,

10. I can say as your publisher that I feel

11. pretty confident we could do a coffee table book.

12. - No way, a coffee table book?

13. Be fantastic.

14. A book that would be on everybody's coffee table.

15. - Very similar to that, except in this case,

16. we would take your book, we would throw it into a mulcher.

17. - A mulcher?

18. - To make a fine pulp.

19. And from that pulp, we could reconstitute a coffee table.

20. - Well, wait a minute.

21. Aren't there lists that, like bestseller lists and stuff?

22. Is it on any of those?

23. - What's fantastic about your book, Norm,

24. is it's beyond lists.

25. It's in a class of its own. - Wow.

26. - We haven't seen a book like this in publishing.

27. This is going straight to the RB.

28. - Straight to the RB?

29. I can't believe it.

30. I've never heard of a book

31. going straight to the RB like that.

32. Just one question, what's an RB?

33. - Oh, that's publishing talk.

34. The RB stands for the remainder bin.

35. - Oh, the remainder bin?

36. - So, all the books sit waiting on bookshelves

37. never being bought, eventually when it gets

38. too sad, they send it back to a warehouse.

39. - Well, forget about the critics.

40. It's like Stephen King.

41. Maybe the critics don't like him,

42. but the people love him.

43. That's who I wrote it for.

44. I didn't write it for critics.

45. - So, we have been getting some

46. good responses from the people.

47. - From the people. - Particularly, on the paper.

48. - The paper.

49. Wasn't it I who said we have to go

50. with a paper with some substance,

51. a high quality paper?

52. - And, everyone has been complimenting that,

53. particularly when it comes to taking

54. the pages of your book, to wipe shit

55. off their filthy assholes.

56. - That's what they said?

57. - Mm-hmm.

58. - You know, I'm not sure you

59. even had the best interest of this book at heart.

60. I mean, were you an advocate for it?

61. - Norm, I've gotta be straight with you.

62. I didn't have a chance to read your book.

63. - You didn't have a chance to read it?

64. - But, I have a very good reason why.

65. - Really, why is that?

66. - I've been reading a better book.

67. - Well, there's lots of better books.

68. This is just a silly celebrity biography.

69. It's not a big.

70. - This other book is a celebrity biography.

71. - The book you're reading?

72. - Yeah, a better celebrity biography.

73. - Oh jeez, is it Tina Fey?

74. - It's not Tina Fey.

75. - Amy Schumer?

76. - It's not a lady.

77. - Well, there's that at least.

78. - But, it was written by someone

79. who knows how to write a celebrity memoir.

80. Maybe you've heard of him?

81. His name is Fred Stoller.

82. - Fred Stoller?

83. Well, I guess that wrecks it.

84. I'm no author.

85. - I've been telling you that since before you started.

86. - Ah, I've been doing this two years.

87. I got nothing to fall back on.

88. I'm an old man.

89. - Didn't you used to have a thing on the internet?

90. - Oh God.

91. - Yeah, people would come on. - The podcast.

92. - Yeah, the podcast, that's right.

93. - I promised myself I would never do the podcast again.

94. - You also promised yourself you'd write a good book.

95. - Okay now.

96. - I mean, there is always, one other option.

97. - There's another option, what's that?

98. - You ever hear of the Queensboro Bridge?

99. - I'll do the podcast.

100. I send the most robust and convivial greetings to all.

101. To esteemed podcast viewers,

102. who are experiencing these words

103. in places hither, thither, and presumably yon.

104. You joined the proceedings on a most felicitous,

105. particular occasion, for we are welcoming

106. forth the true master of virth, of mirth.

107. A variable Michelangelo, the lively and amusing

108. and delighting jolly boy.

109. Which is not to say he is not popular also, hoity toity.

110. He is an Emmy and BAFTA Award-winning writer,

111. director, and comedian.

112. He is the co-creator of the original Office,

113. of Extras, and he starred in the HBO hit, Hello Ladies.

114. He is a splendid person.

115. And it's good because otherwise, I'd punch him

116. in the fucking God damn face.

117. He is Stephen Merchant, gonna be with us for the full hour.

118. Why do that?

119. - I didn't realize that the show was gonna have

120. such hip references, as William F. Buckley,

121. who's been dead for like what, 25 years?

122. - It's ripped from today's YouTube.

123. - It really is, yeah.

124. The kids watching this online,

125. they're gonna go crazy.

126. - After about three hours on YouTube, you find it.

127. You just keep it up.

128. - Well, he had a popular documentary on Netflix.

129. - It was big, popular.

130. - That was good, I really enjoyed it.

131. It was great.

132. Who was he talking with, it was.

133. - No, it's Gore Vidal, yeah.

134. - Did you see Jiro Dreams of Sushi?

135. - I didn't.

136. - It's a Japanese guy sleeping.

137. - Is it?

138. - For two hours.

139. - Should be go through all the documentaries on Netflix?

140. - Well, it's interesting because like Jiro Dreams of Sushi,

141. no one would ever watch, that'd be, you know.

142. - I thought that was really popular.

143. - It was, then they force you to watch it.

144. - I thought it was great.

145. - Did ya? Yeah.

146. - Did you see the one about the making

147. of the Island of Dr. Monroe?

148. - No!

149. - That's a great inside Hollywood.

150. - Unfortunately, I heard too many people tell me.

151. - Okay, I'm sorry.

152. - No, no, no, tell me little bits about.

153. - Oh, I see, you've heard the best hits, yeah, yeah.

154. - But, from bad storytellers.

155. Like him.

156. - Could you do the whole show as William F. Buckley?

157. Just in case anyone tunes in late.

158. - For 90 seconds, I can do the whole show.

159. But, you had a question.

160. Oh no, I had a question, forget his question.

161. This just occurred to me on the way, to the show.

162. - I'm pleased he's so well prepared.

163. - I was brought up on British television,

164. I mean from Canada, and you know when you

165. hear like an inside joke when you're a kid

166. and you laugh anyway, you're like,

167. I didn't get it but I bet I should have,

168. or whatever, you know.

169. And, in British shows, they seem to always like,

170. mention like some small town that nobody's ever heard of.

171. Do you know what I mean?

172. Like in Monty Python, he's like, "Pearly, say no more,"

173. and gets a big laugh.

174. You know, or Torkey.

175. - Hull is good to ya.

176. - And, what are those towns?

177. Do they mean something?

178. - No, I think they are just, you know.

179. I'll often refer to say, you know, Mutant Poppleford.

180. - See, that's more like the Rancho Cucamonga.

181. - Yeah, they're great places which people

182. may or may not have heard of, but just sound

183. even to an English ear, they sound small,

184. or parochial, or regional.

185. I don't think you were sort of missing

186. out on anything too specific, you know.

187. But, Hull is sort of.

188. No one's vacationing in Hull.

189. You know what I mean?

190. If you're an American visiting England,

191. no one's saying, "Go to Hull."

192. Pilkington might.

193. Now, even he would avoid Hull.

194. So, you're a child in England.

195. What are you, 41?

196. - Yeah.

197. - Okay, you are?

198. - Is this a thing you do where you guess, people's ages?

199. - Is Circus Vargas coming up now?

200. Oh, you're 41?

201. - Yeah.

202. - Okay, I forgot everything else.

203. I don't know, I was gonna ask you something,

204. and I started to say a number.

205. - Do I look 41?

206. - No, you look 36.

207. - Thank you, that's what I was fishing for.

208. - But when you were young, was Jimmy Savile on the air?

209. - Jimmy Savile?

210. Jimmy Savile, very much on the air.

211. In fact when Jimmy Savile who, for people

212. who don't remember, was subsequently revealed to be

213. one of our most heinous pedophiles

214. and general all around rotten eggs.

215. But, this only came out after he died.

216. But when he died, you know, he was a figure

217. from my childhood that I had great affection for.

218. And, I even sent a Tweet saying, you know,

219. "RIP, Jimmy Savile."

220. And then within sort of 12 months,

221. people were sending me pictures of that Tweet.

222. Really, Steve?

223. And of course, it's only now if people were

224. to Google a picture of Savile,

225. knowing that he was a horrible pedophile

226. and general all around rotten person,

227. that you'd look at it, you'd go, of course.

228. I mean, now you look at it, yes, that makes perfect sense,

229. I mean, with his like weird—

230. - I knew about the pedophile.

231. - You think you wear things a bit like this.

232. - I knew the bit about the pedophile,

233. but I didn't know about the all-around bad person part.

234. - Yes, well, I certainly realize that I couldn't remember

235. all of his crimes.

236. I know they were heinous, and I also didn't want

237. to lower the tone this early in the show,

238. and just go into the real detail and nitty gritty

239. of his pedophilia.

240. - Well, one of the nitty gritty parts

241. was he was such a powerful entertainer

242. that he was put on the board of a hospital.

243. - He was on the board of a hospital,

244. and he even, he had his own room at the hospital,

245. where he would, as we subsequently discovered,

246. invite, people, patients.

247. - And he liked people, or patients that were in comas,

248. or somehow disabled.

249. - I don't know.

250. That might be your own speculation, I don't know—

251. No, no, no, that's what I heard.

252. - Wow, I'm glad we kicked off with this,

253. and didn't build to the Jimmy Savile—

254. - And there's on the air,

255. liking goosing a girl before the show, like,

256. you know, like, and then she's like, whoa—

257. - You know what's odd is I feel like I remember,

258. even when I was at school, as a kid,

259. I remember Jimmy Savile being regarded as weird.

260. Like even then, you'd sort of, you'd be.

261. That was sort of the joke, you know,

262. that he was weird, and kind of eccentric.

263. - Well, sort of all the jokes

264. about children's entertainers are that they're pedophiles.

265. That's what, in America, that's how,

266. when you start stand-up—

267. - Well, it turns out a lot of them are.

268. - I guess.

269. You know what's a fascinating thing about extras,

270. could everybody thinks of England,

271. they're always like Monty Python,

272. like it's the gold standard for comedy,

273. but it also had awful comedy.

274. - Terrible.

275. - And Extras.

276. What was the show called?

277. - When the Whistle Blows.

278. - When the Whistle Blows,

279. but I remember as a kid that there were shows like that,

280. with crazy, garish costumes, and—

281. - And they were shows that you—

282. They would put their, even their jaw,

283. when he would put his jaw out.

284. Yeah, yeah, they would.

285. - There was a show called Love Thy Neighbor,

286. which ran for many seasons, that the premise of which

287. was a white man lived next door to a black couple,

288. which in the '70s, was like, what?

289. Can you imagine?

290. And, extraordinary, and that ran for years.

291. And there was one called Mind Your Language,

292. where a guy was teaching a class of,

293. basically, sort of ethnic stereotypes.

294. He would have like an Indian man and a Chinese man,

295. and so on, teaching them English.

296. When you say "astonishing," at the time when he

297. was astonishing, you agree with the premise.

298. - Huge hits.

299. - I saw the original Three's Company recently—

300. - So let's say you were a young man,

301. and you see a black woman and a white man together,

302. is it jarring?

303. - When I was a young person? - When you were a boy.

304. - Well, I never saw that.

305. I mean, we lived in England.

306. We didn't allow such things.

307. No, I don't remember every.

308. I remember when I was at school growing up,

309. when I was 16, a bit younger, 14,

310. that there was one black kid in the school,

311. and I remember thinking, all I remember thinking,

312. is oh, he's the only black kid in the school,

313. like, do you know what I mean?

314. Like, it was, oh, he's the, like,

315. I would look around and there'd just be white faces

316. and the few Indian faces, and then, one black face.

317. - Right, and now.

318. - And now, there's four in that school.

319. It's really very diverse.

320. - How Muslim is London right now,

321. the last time you were there?

322. - Well, I did a quick headcount when I got back,

323. just to check if anymore had come in or left,

324. and it seems like we're pretty,

325. it's pretty even keel at the moment.

326. - Your mayor is a...

327. - Our mayor is—

328. - Isn't he an, I heard he was an imam.

329. - That's right, yeah.

330. - That's what someone told me.

331. - Yeah.

332. No, we're a bit, we're very culturally,

333. I don't want to speak for England,

334. when it comes to our Muslim population,

335. or, I don't know that I'm as qualified

336. as perhaps I seem.

337. - You should never.

338. He shouldn't be talking about Muslims.

339. - Probably not.

340. - Should we go back to pedophiles?

341. - Wait a minute.

342. There's no equivalence, here.

343. - No, there's no equivalence,

344. but I'm just thinking, it feels like we're—

345. - Jesus Christ.

346. - It feels like we're, you've wanted to get into subjects

347. which can cause ripples of tension to an audience.

348. - No, I didn't mean to do that.

349. Although, I was just in a club,

350. and I was talking about transgender,

351. and I said, "I remember when Bruce Jenner,

352. "when he won the decathlon, someone said, 'She!'"

353. So I had to go, "Oh, yeah, she won the decathlon."

354. - Oh, I see, but when he—

355. - I have to say it.

356. - He was a "he" when he ran the decathlon.

357. - No, he was always a "she."

358. - Oh, he was always a "she."

359. Oh, I see.

360. - So, a woman won the decathlon in 1976,

361. without any of us knowing.

362. - I'm ashamed to say that I'm very confused by that,

363. in terms of sort of what one should say,

364. and I don't want to cause offense,

365. but I don't feel like I, was there a memo that went around,

366. just to explain exactly what we should say, and,

367. 'cause I know now there's also the idea

368. that we remove gender at all, right?

369. So, there's no "him" and "her."

370. - Right.

371. - "She" and "he," it becomes—

372. - But then if you say, "Well, I always thought I

373. "was a woman, you know?

374. "I always," then what does that mean?

375. If there's no difference between the genders?

376. How do you feel if you had a cock and balls, right?

377. And that would push you towards maybe you're a guy.

378. - Right.

379. - So, then, it has to be, all be inside.

380. I felt I was a woman, you know?

381. Unless otherwise I mean if there's no gender,

382. if there's no difference.

383. - Am I supposed to answer that?

384. - Yeah, yeah, you have to answer.

385. - Is that why I was brought on?

386. - I mean, it would be awful if you said it was cookies,

387. or, you know, you like to bake cookies.

388. Then, you'd be sexist.

389. - But, can we be sexist, if there's no male or female?

390. - No, you shouldn't be able to be sexist, right?

391. - Yeah, right?

392. - I'm honestly not to trying to make light of this,

393. because it's clearly, it is a very sensitive,

394. and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about,

395. but what I don't—

396. - You know that you are a cis male?

397. Have you ever heard of that term?

398. - A cis male?

399. - Cis male.

400. C-Y-S M-A-L-E.

401. So, what it means is, that you are a man.

402. You are born a man.

403. - Well, as far as you know.

404. - As far as I know,

405. and you identify yourself as a man.

406. - Yes.

407. - That's a cis male.

408. - Now, I don't understand, where is that?

409. Is this a new phrase?

410. - Yes, it's a way of marginalizing a normal person.

411. So, you're a cis male.

412. - What does a cis male mean?

413. - And this other person's a tran, so, you're equal.

414. She's a man that thinks she's a woman.

415. You're a man that thinks you're a man.

416. It's completely equal.

417. - So everyone's, it's all fluid.

418. - Yes, everyone is self-identifying.

419. - Yes, and I'm all for that.

420. I think what I've felt, is I suddenly felt like I

421. was causing offense unwittingly, by simply not knowing

422. what the terminology is now.

423. I feel like I'm a bit behind the curve on this,

424. and I wonder if we could have,

425. like there could be a lecture,

426. and maybe you could do an informative podcast.

427. - I'd love to have a member of the LGBTQ XT,

428. but anyways, we're not here to talk about this.

429. You know what I mean, because,

430. people are gonna start filling up your Twitter feed with—

431. - Yeah, I feel like I'm already in trouble.

432. - I feel like there's definitely things I've said, already,

433. that I wish I could take back,

434. and I don't know what they are.

435. I just know they're out there.

436. Can I please now send and apology to everyone watching

437. that I'm sorry.

438. I thought I was gonna come on to talk about my light career

439. in show business, and instead, I am now speaking

440. for both Muslims, the entire LGBTQ community—

441. - There's no equivalency!

442. - I know, I'm just saying the different subjects

443. you brought up!

444. And also, Muslims.

445. - Gary Glitter fan club.

446. - Yeah.

447. - Gary Glitter was friends with your friend, Jimmy Savile.

448. - Please settle, please settle.

449. Don't give him the fancy name of Savile.

450. Oh, Sir James Savile.

451. - But wouldn't they all get together, kind of,

452. in Savile's—

453. - I can't speak for that—

454. - In Savile's dressing room, Gary Glitter would come out—

455. - I've got a speculation, which is,

456. it's funny how, see, there was a number of artists,

457. and people, who, so, for instance, Gary Glitter.

458. - Yes.

459. - Was caught doing inappropriate things.

460. - Yes.

461. - And his music career, you know, correctly,

462. rightly, sort of ended, almost overnight.

463. - Maybe.

464. - Did he have any?

465. Yeah, but...

466. - You could say that.

467. - There was a Christmas song that he, which, in England,

468. was a hit every year.

469. It'd be on the radio every year,

470. Another Rock and Roll Christmas.

471. I don't know who he wrote that with,

472. but they're, obviously, missing out on royalties now—

473. - And why is it just that I should not get to listen

474. to that anymore?

475. - Well, because he's turned out to be quite

476. an unsavory character.

477. - But they still play it every time the Calgary Flames

478. score a goal.

479. - They do?

480. - Oh yeah.

481. - Oh, that doesn't seem odd.

482. No, in England, you never hear.

483. He's been whitewashed from history, sort of like Stalin

484. has removed him from all the old pop shows of the '70s.

485. It's just a missing, just a pixelated image,

486. and it's true.

487. A number of people.

488. - But if it had been T. Rex who had committed those crimes,

489. I still think—

490. - No, see, 'cause I have a theory.

491. It's to do with the quality of the music.

492. - Yeah, Michael Jackson—

493. - See, with Jacko, we didn't wipe Jack out from history—

494. - No.

495. - Because we didn't want to go to weddings,

496. and not have Billy Jean.

497. - Exactly.

498. - So, it's, if the music was better,

499. in the case of Glitter, I think we'd have all.

500. I mean, it felt like the entire world

501. sort of turned their back on the Jacko accusations, right?

502. Just say, well anything,

503. he didn't start doing this pre-Dangerous,

504. so we can listen to everything from the '70s and '80s,

505. and it's, and he got away with it—

506. - We have a guy in the Montreal Expos

507. that did rock cocaine, you know, Chris Raines,

508. he did cocaine.

509. - Yeah.

510. - But the second baseman, he did marijuana,

511. and they kicked him off the team, because, you know,

512. Tim Raines was stealing 90 bases a, you know cricket?

513. - I don't know what you're talking about.

514. - I realized that while I was talking,

515. so I thought I'd start with cricket.

516. You know cricket.

517. - I know cricket, yeah.

518. - So, you know, the head.

519. - Sure.

520. - So, he hits the ball, right.

521. And then the guy catches it, he throws it back in,

522. two days pass.

523. - Yeah.

524. - Sorry.

525. - We have to go.

526. - I didn't realize you were gonna come on,

527. and bad mouth, Sir Jimmy Savile,

528. and the great national sport of cricket.

529. - Wait, was he ever a knight?

530. - Yes, they had to, I think they've retracted it.

531. - Oh, they retract it?

532. Well, yeah, they retracted Bill Cosby's Medal of Freedom,

533. I think.

534. I don't know why he got a Medal of Freedom,

535. in the first place.

536. - Is that a thing, a Medal of Freedom?

537. - Yeah.

538. - Can I just say as well that Michael Jackson

539. was never convicted of any crimes

540. that I've accused him of, so I apologize

541. to Jackson fans and family.

542. - You remember the Arab Spring?

543. - I just would like to issue a series of apologies again.

544. I just feel like, we've gone to this point,

545. and I've made, I've banded around comments

546. about Michael Jackson which are not substantiated.

547. I'm a huge fan of—

548. - He was found not guilty.

549. - Excuse me, Norm, you'll have your time.

550. - He was found not guilty.

551. - He was found not guilty of everything,

552. nothing was substantiated or proven,

553. his music is wonderful.

554. I still am a huge fan of everything pre-Dangerous.

555. After that, I think it's a bit wobbly.

556. So, I'd like to make no comparison between him

557. and Gary Glitter who is a convicted—

558. - One-Hit wonder.

559. - Now, in the office, you do a joke

560. about George Michaels,

561. in the first Office.

562. - I don't remember the specifics of that joke.

563. I'd like to apologize to George Michaels,

564. who is a wonderful musician, and—

565. - What's his latest release?

566. It was in the pilot.

567. - Right.

568. Right, right.

569. - And, you know, he did that right near where I lived,

570. you would go in.

571. - You saw him from your window.

572. - Well, no, 'cause I'm a heterosexual.

573. Imagine if you're, if you were a heterosexual,

574. and you walked into a public bathroom,

575. and Farrah Fawcett-Majors was finger fucking herself,

576. - Yeah.

577. - That'd be a nice, you wouldn't, you know,

578. you'd go into that bathroom a lot.

579. - Farrah Fawcett now, or back in the '70s?

580. - No, no, in the day.

581. - In the day, right?

582. Another hip reference for kids.

583. It's Buckley, it's Fawcett-Majors.

584. - By the way, Fawcett-Majors died the same day

585. as Michael Jackson, and apparently,

586. she was in the green room, or not, she wasn't,

587. she was dead, but Ryan O'Neal, and Griffin O'Neal,

588. and the friends of Farrah Fawcett were in the green room

589. of Larry King, and they found out Michael Jackson

590. has just died, so somebody had to go in, I don't know who.

591. I go.

592. - I don't understand.

593. You mean—

594. - She got thrown out.

595. - She got kicked out of Larry King Live.

596. - Bigger star. - They did?

597. - Bigger star, a much bigger star died.

598. They said, "We'll have you back."

599. Never had 'em back.

600. - I always get anxious when I'm on a plane,

601. and I see a much bigger celebrity than me,

602. and I think, what if this goes down,

603. and I'm not gonna get mentioned?

604. I'm gonna be like small print, almost every flight, yeah.

605. - All right, we'll be back, in a second.

606. We're back with Stephen Merchant, and my trustee sidekick.

607. Adam Eget.

608. Now, you meet, at some point in your life,

609. Ricky Gervais.

610. - Mm-hmm.

611. - When does this happen?

612. - At a radio station in England, yes,

613. in about 1998.

614. - And you're both wags.

615. - Yes.

616. - You both work on air.

617. - Behind the scenes.

618. - Oh, behind the scenes.

619. - Yes, as, he was the head of speech,

620. and I was, he immediately decided he needed

621. an assistant when he got the job,

622. and I happened to send my resume in,

623. and he gave me the job.

624. - Wow, head of speech.

625. - And we became assistant head of speech.

626. - You know what that means?

627. - It was a made up position.

628. It wasn't a real job.

629. - So that's like the civil service.

630. Is the BBC owned by the government?

631. - This wasn't the BBC, this was just a local radio station,

632. that just launched the play to alternative music,

633. kind of like a KCRW, and, yeah,

634. we were sort of back room boys, and then,

635. we had an email one day from the boss,

636. that said, I remember quite distinctly,

637. I'm paraphrasing, but it said something like,

638. what am I paying you cunts for?

639. I'm not paraphrasing this, he did say "cunt,"

640. and, so we panicked, and then we rushed onto the air,

641. and kind of did this segment, segment,

642. and then we got an email saying that was the funniest

643. thing I've ever heard, and then, basically,

644. that was our relationship with the boss.

645. It would be, that was a piece of shit,

646. and he went like that, and you're fired,

647. that was hilarious, you're geniuses,

648. and it would be very much like that for the next—

649. - So you were just a conduit for his bipolar...

650. - We, unfortunately, the radio station launched

651. the day after Princess Diana died, so it was quite,

652. it was quite this sort of fanfare and celebration.

653. It like when Farrah Fawcett died.

654. - Someone told me the queen murdered her.

655. - Yes she did.

656. Yes, that's well-known in England.

657. I'd like to apologize to the queen.

658. - We have a comedian named Richard Belzer here.

659. - Right.

660. - So, one time, I was watching this political show,

661. with, who's that, Bill Maher?

662. And he's, so Bill, Richard Belzer's on.

663. You get to call yourself whatever you want, comedian,

664. you know.

665. He said, "Richard Belzer, conspiracy theorist."

666. - Wow.

667. - So, it's like, you believed in all of them.

668. - Is he a conspiracy theorist?

669. - Yeah.

670. - He's known for being a conspiracy theorist?

671. - Yeah, he's written books and stuff.

672. - Wow, okay.

673. - Like, he decided to take Mort Sahl's career path.

674. - Right.

675. - He wrote a book on Kennedy, John F. Kennedy.

676. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

677. - So, you meet, so this explains a lot.

678. So, you start, you're the guy's fuckin' assistant.

679. - Right.

680. - So that never goes away.

681. - Right, yeah. There we are.

682. So I did a lot of the typing and laundry, and—

683. - And that's why you were not in The Office.

684. - Uh, no, not really.

685. - Wouldn't he be a great Gareth?

686. - Well, he played Gareth's friend.

687. - Wadsy show monster.

688. - Well, do we want to get into it?

689. Is this interesting, or is it just boring?

690. - Yeah, no, it's very interesting.

691. People love The Office.

692. - Sure.

693. - You know what my favorite moment in The Office is?

694. - Yeah.

695. - When David Brent says Gareth, you know,

696. has cars and does karate,

697. and then does them in opposite.

698. He says talk about it, and he starts talking

699. about his karate, and then he does the car,

700. so why were you not in the show?

701. - Well—

702. - You must have wanted it like crazy.

703. - No, not really, because we were writing it,

704. and directing it, and sort of producing it,

705. and editing it—

706. - But both of you were, both of you were doing that.

707. - Well, I know, exactly, but I think if we'd both

708. been in front of the camera, and behind the scenes,

709. I mean, I just don't think it ever occurred to me.

710. I mean, it was sort of like, it was kind of,

711. well, I was just amazed we were doing it at all,

712. and just privileged, and like, this is incredible.

713. It was only after the series had finished,

714. when I saw all the free stuff that Ricky got sent,

715. and, you know, and the privileges,

716. and the restaurant reservations, and everything,

717. that then I thought, I'll have a piece of that,

718. but at the time, it never occurred to me.

719. The only reason that Gareth, you might think I

720. would be similar, is because he's sort of doing

721. an impression of my voice.

722. - Oh.

723. - So, I, he sounds a bit like me—

724. - That's a bit worse.

725. - No, 'cause we asked him to.

726. It wasn't a surprise.

727. I didn't get in the editing room, and go, wait a minute,

728. that sounds someone I know.

729. - So you said, "Could you act like me?"

730. It, this must have occurred to you

731. that this is very similar to Larry David.

732. Your career trajectory.

733. - Oh, I see, right.

734. - You do Seinfeld, then you do a show by your—

735. - But I'm not as successful as Larry David.

736. - You do a show by yourself.

737. - Right.

738. - And that's what I found fascinating

739. about your show,

740. is then I could see what was Larry David,

741. or it was Jerry Seinfeld,

742. so now I can what was yours, and what was Ricky Gervais's.

743. - Right, right, right.

744. - 'Cause, obviously, you're not gonna steal his moves

745. for your show.

746. - Right, right, right.

747. - So that was very interesting, but you must—

748. - But I don't think, I think, probably,

749. I'm sure if you asked Larry, when he was doing Seinfeld,

750. I don't know that he was, I mean, I don't know,

751. but I wouldn't have thought he was necessarily itching

752. to be on screen every ten minutes.

753. I mean, I think, you know, the pleasure of writing

754. the show, and, making it, and everything, is enough.

755. - I mean, I remember, what's his name, Bill Murray,

756. said if you have a choice between being rich and famous,

757. and just rich, take rich.

758. - Right, right, right.

759. - So anyways, you do, so you do The Office,

760. it's a big hit.

761. You begin to resent Ricky Gervais.

762. I mean, that's what you said, I didn't.

763. - Yeah.

764. - His success, not him.

765. - No, I didn't resent.

766. I just, I, you know.

767. - Just suddenly you're in a different circle, though.

768. I mean.

769. - What do you mean?

770. - Well, money.

771. - Money, good.

772. - Money separates people.

773. - Between he and I or between me and other people?

774. - Or did you have enough money that you didn't care?

775. I'm saying, did you get enough money from that show—

776. - Ultimately, I did, but not between making The Office

777. and Extras, in which I did appear.

778. - Oh, okay.

779. - But in Extras, I appeared partly because, you know,

780. it'd be nice to have, you know, hotel reservations.

781. Hotel reservations, very specific.

782. I meant restaurant reservations, but yeah,

783. hotel reservations, also great.

784. Not that you can't get hotel or restaurant reservations

785. being non-famous, but it makes it easier—

786. - But I have never seen a guy.

787. I've been with very famous guys.

788. - Yeah.

789. - And like walked into a restaurant,

790. and they never go, "Get out!

791. "Sandler's here," and kick people out of their, you know.

792. - No, but I think they can probably find a table

793. that perhaps wouldn't be open to someone

794. if the likes of you and I walked in together.

795. - Yeah, you think?

796. - We'd have to line up with everyone else,

797. so, yes, that, but also, as we wrote together,

798. I seemed like I was a kind of resource that was there.

799. You know, I was gonna be on the set anyway,

800. so why not stick me in?

801. - This is in Extras.

802. - Yeah, in Extras.

803. - Something that did not occur to you in The Office.

804. - Right, well just because there was not a character

805. that lent itself to me to play, really.

806. - Except the guy—

807. - What was the friend of—

808. - That you directed to act just like you.

809. - No, no, no, he just did a voice.

810. He did my voice.

811. He did my voice, because—

812. - And Larry David, I mean,

813. - George Costanza. - Jason Alexander.

814. George Alexander, what's his name?

815. - George Costanza, Jason Alexander.

816. - Jason Alexander.

817. - Yeah.

818. - Did the voice of...

819. - Oh, he was doing Larry?

820. - Yeah.

821. - Right.

822. - So you guys really have a lot in common.

823. - Yeah.

824. - He doesn't speak the queen's English, but other than that.

825. - Sure, yeah.

826. - Who has a better accent than the Welsh?

827. - Good point.

828. - Anybody? - Sort of a great point.

829. - Did you ever meet a Welsh girl?

830. - I've met Welsh girls, yeah.

831. - How was this?

832. - Beautiful.

833. No one's got a better voice.

834. - The most onerous voices.

835. This guy, I met, you were telling me how you met.

836. I was in New York, and he worked

837. under the Queensboro Bridge, jerking off men

838. for $15 a man.

839. - Oh, okay, so, good value.

840. - Yeah.

841. - Good value jerk off, and you met him, how?

842. You were...

843. - I was a huge star. - A client.

844. - Sure.

845. Sure, yeah.

846. - No, I was a big, big star.

847. - Sure, sure, sure.

848. - And this was, we have a show in America,

849. Saturday Night Live.

850. - Okay.

851. - And so I was the best guy that was on there.

852. - You were the funniest guy on there?

853. - Yeah, and then I met him.

854. He's a young man.

855. He said he was 18, but he looked 14.

856. - Yeah.

857. - And soft hands.

858. - Beautiful.

859. - And he jerked off men, $15 a man.

860. - Yeah.

861. - So, at the time, there was a horrible story in New York.

862. I don't know if this made it across the pond.

863. There was this guy, Albert Fish.

864. - Right.

865. - Do you know the story?

866. - Never heard of him.

867. - So, what he did was, he kidnapped children.

868. - Right.

869. - And he murdered them.

870. I mean, there's no other way of putting it.

871. - Yeah.

872. - But before he murdered them, he would cut pieces

873. off of them.

874. - Would he?

875. - Yes, while they were alive.

876. - Yeah.

877. - But he knew enough, you know, he was almost like,

878. with surgical ability to know how much blood

879. that child could lose.

880. - Yes.

881. - And still stay conscious and rapeable,

882. and he would take pieces off, and put them in a stew,

883. he would make a stew, he would rape what was left

884. of the child.

885. - Right.

886. - To get his appetite going.

887. - Uh-huh.

888. - And then he would, as he wrote in many letters

889. that he sent to the editor, and, you know,

890. there were a lot of typos, which made it more disturbing,

891. somehow.

892. I'm not sure why.

893. But he just talked about how the rump of the girl

894. was so, I mean, this guy was a real jerk.

895. - Yeah, we was beginning to sound that way.

896. I remember when you interviewed Adam Sandler,

897. there wasn't quite as much kiddie rape and murder.

898. In that one as there is in this one.

899. I don't know.

900. There was a lot more frothy showbiz stories

901. about your time on SNL.

902. Perhaps you could share one of those.

903. Perhaps, where you first developed

904. your William F. Monkey impression.

905. Was that a big hit on the show, or?

906. - The Bill Buckley?

907. - Yeah.

908. - Well, we could never get a guy that knew

909. how to do Michael Kinsley.

910. That was the problem.

911. That's gonna be lost on you.

912. You're from the other side of the pond—

913. - That's not just gonna be lost on me.

914. - Now, what do you think of the, what do you?

915. Did you grow up with David Frost?

916. Was he kind of an idiot?

917. People not like him?

918. - He was, by the time I was aware of him,

919. he was hosting a show called Through the Keyhole,

920. in which people would go into celebrity's homes,

921. they would have to try and identify whose lives it was,

922. from wandering around their home,

923. 'cause the celebrity wasn't there.

924. They were hidden, obviously, and they would say,

925. "Look, there's a giant dildo, or whatever,

926. "and you'd make a guess."

927. - Jimmy Savile.

928. - Jimmy Savile.

929. - Am I saying that right?

930. - Jimmy Savile.

931. - Savile.

932. - Say his name right please.

933. Don't just take his name in vain.

934. And, yes, but David Frost was, yes,

935. whereas, I think in the '60s,

936. he was considered quite generous.

937. - Let's say Jimmy Savile goes into a room,

938. and a guy is like, you know, the person

939. can't move, they're paralyzed.

940. - Yeah.

941. - And he doesn't act upon that person.

942. - Right.

943. - Who's to say it's bad?

944. - Yeah.

945. - That fella. - Me, I'll say it's bad.

946. - But the lady is just lying there.

947. You think her life, you don't think that's,

948. she's just lying there, all of a sudden

949. a greater entertainer.

950. - A knight of the realm.

951. - Fucks her.

952. - Yeah, yeah.

953. - I mean, even, like you say, you're unwanted, debutante,

954. allegations against Michael Jackson.

955. There had to be kids that were like, this is pretty cool.

956. - Yeah.

957. - This is not some old priest.

958. - I'm just wondering—

959. - I have a priest, by the way.

960. - Can I just ask—

961. - I'm not Catholic, but I know a priest—

962. - You have a priest anyway.

963. - I know a priest, and I feel sorry for them,

964. because most of them don't fuck children.

965. I just want to put that on the record,

966. that more teachers fuck children than priests,

967. and yet, teachers are heroes, and...

968. - Finally, someone brave enough to say it,

969. which is great.

970. But, of course, what concerns me is that you have

971. your amendment, Second Amendment, whichever it is,

972. third, fifth amendment—

973. - I don't.

974. I'm not American—

975. - The First Amendment, which ever one it is that allows—

976. - I'm not American, I'm not an American.

977. - No, but this show here is being made in America.

978. - Okay, so you have it too.

979. - Right, but I don't know.

980. This is the question.

981. If we go back to our respective countries,

982. can we now be sued for libel,

983. or is the fact that this show is originating from America,

984. does that absolve us, do you see?

985. So, when we land.

986. - There's different libel, slander laws.

987. - There's different libel laws.

988. - That makes sense.

989. That's interesting.

990. - I'm just wondering if, who is gonna sue me,

991. when I land at Heathrow, in about three weeks time,

992. the estate of Savile, the queen, the Muslim community.

993. - Well, let me ask you about.

994. Let me ask you for a moment about the Arab Spring.

995. - Finally, this is the question I came to talk about.

996. Yes, please do.

997. - Why is it that you can't, England's not doing well,

998. financially.

999. - Right.

1000. - Can't you get, you call them your mates.

1001. Their friends, and everybody else in the world.

1002. They call them mates.

1003. - Sure.

1004. - Get a couple of dozen of your mates,

1005. and go down to that Buckingham Palace

1006. and kill the old bag.

1007. - To what end?

1008. Are you an old sea captain?

1009. What is this shit that you're?

1010. Are you drunk on rum?

1011. We were talking outside about why you never

1012. sort of, you never guest hosted for some—

1013. Now I'm beginning to realize, but...

1014. Yeah, what's weird is you're not even drunk.

1015. And yet, it's the illusion of it is extraordinary.

1016. Have you had a stroke, or have you had a breakdown?

1017. It's a breakdown.

1018. You had a slight, just a little light breakdown

1019. on the way in the car.

1020. 'Cause I'm pretty sure, I've watched some

1021. of these other editions of the show, and I'm pleased,

1022. I'm pleased to see that I've broken from the rule

1023. of only having white blokes on the show,

1024. which seems to be—

1025. - Oh, yeah.

1026. - You only have white men, and Roseanne.

1027. - Because it's supposed to be a comedy.

1028. - Right, right, right.

1029. It's supposed to be.

1030. - It's allegedly.

1031. You had a question.

1032. - Let's hope so. - I had a few.

1033. - We were told no questions.

1034. - Oh, you were?

1035. Yeah, because, well, you certainly lived up

1036. to that side of the bargain.

1037. - Go ahead.

1038. - When did you first realize that you had some sort

1039. of, I don't want to call it,

1040. I guess I'd call it a gold mine with Karl Pilkington.

1041. When did you first realize, oh my god.

1042. There's something here?

1043. Was it just?

1044. - Well, no, he was given to us as a producer.

1045. You should get one, by the way.

1046. Who, he was just there to press the buttons

1047. on our radio show, really, initially,

1048. and then, we would periodically ask him questions,

1049. and then, he would just, the answers he came out with

1050. were just gold dust, I mean.

1051. And I forget what they were early on.

1052. It would, just tiny little things, like,

1053. he would say things like, what were those things

1054. in that movie Gremlins called?

1055. The long paws, and we'd say gremlins,

1056. and then, he's on a long story

1057. about he'd, he'd say bla, bla, bla, bla, bla,

1058. and then, I went to the next door neighbors,

1059. and they kept a horse in the living room.

1060. Anyway, and that wasn't the point of the story,

1061. that was just a passing detail,

1062. and we told him, "No, no, no, go back to the horse,

1063. "in the house, Karl, 'cause I think there might be

1064. "something there," and so, then we started to unearth,

1065. you know, how he saw the world, and then,

1066. it was just, it was a never-ending goldmine.

1067. - Was that the first?

1068. Was it you or, I know, between you and Adam Carolla,

1069. that was one of the first, your podcast was one

1070. of the first I'd ever heard of, and I listen to it—

1071. - I remember that.

1072. - Every single episode—

1073. 'Cause I remember, they said, we have too much bandwidth.

1074. We have to start charging people.

1075. I remember that happening.

1076. - Was that a thing?

1077. - Bandwidth.

1078. - Yeah.

1079. - No, go ahead.

1080. Ask him another question about Karl Pilkington.

1081. - Uh, Karl, um.

1082. - He had one question, he asked it, it went well,

1083. you throw your—

1084. - Do you have a favorite,

1085. do you have a particular favorite line or scene

1086. from the office that...

1087. - Who came up with—

1088. - This is like you two have won a competition.

1089. Host your own Youtube for talk show.

1090. - On Extras—

1091. - A guy we find under a bridge,

1092. and a guy who was jerking him off.

1093. - That's him, that's him.

1094. - Sorry.

1095. - I wasn't under a bridge.

1096. Who did that thing where,

1097. no, who did that thing, where,

1098. where Ricky drinks an extra,

1099. and then it all comes.

1100. - Oh, the water bottle?

1101. - Right.

1102. - Yeah, where'd that come from?

1103. Did he actually do that in real life, or something?

1104. Or did you just?

1105. - No, we were just trying to come up with, you know,

1106. an absurd sort of, embarrass yourself

1107. in front of a woman routine,

1108. and that was what came, that's what—

1109. - Now, when you were doing The Office,

1110. did you have any idea that Ricky Gervais

1111. would end up being such a fantastic actor,

1112. that could pull off these moments?

1113. - Oh yeah, when the first time that he played that character

1114. on camera, 'cause we did it as part of a training exercise

1115. at the BBC, when I was working at the BBC,

1116. 'cause I left the radio station I mentioned,

1117. that I met him at, and joined the BBC,

1118. realizing I would get fired, if I continued to work

1119. with him, and so I joined the BBC,

1120. and then, while there, made a training film,

1121. and that was where we did our little, sort of,

1122. if you feel like, demo of The Office.

1123. - Oh, really?

1124. - And I remember sort of finishing editing it,

1125. and running to the phone boss at the time.

1126. You know, no mobile phone, and phoning him,

1127. and going, this is dynamite, and he was just electrified,

1128. and then, we were like, oh, this is something.

1129. - So, you knew, right from the start.

1130. You knew at least it was funny.

1131. - I knew it was funny, and I knew he was just great

1132. as a character.

1133. Yeah, yeah.

1134. - Yeah.

1135. It's funny, 'cause, you know, they would always say

1136. like a boss, sometimes they just say things.

1137. Seinfeld's about nothing, and this is a boss from hell,

1138. and that's not how I saw it when I watched it.

1139. I would always go, oh, he's cool.

1140. I'd like to hang out with him.

1141. - Wow, okay.

1142. - Everybody else is, why aren't they laughing at him?

1143. - Yeah, yeah.

1144. - They're all the guys stuck dead in life.

1145. - Yeah.

1146. - Not him.

1147. - Well, he, I mean, Ricky would often have people

1148. come up to him in the street,

1149. and kind of eagerly run up, and go,

1150. "I'm just like that you guy you play.

1151. "See you!" And he'd run off gleefully,

1152. like that was a compliment, which was always odd.

1153. One guy, we used to have it like such strange,

1154. one guy, a homeless guy once came up,

1155. with a plastic bag, and he said,

1156. "Look at these!

1157. "It's DVDs of your show!

1158. "I just stole them from the record store!

1159. "Hey!" And he ran he off.

1160. He said, "I just swung it over the metal detector.

1161. "See ya!" And he ran off.

1162. Like people just felt they could just come up

1163. and share.

1164. - Quickly, he's quickly.

1165. - Do you?

1166. - Here we go.

1167. - I remember, no, I remember hearing you telling stories

1168. about, you know, being, like trying to get

1169. into nightclub.

1170. - Yes.

1171. - There was like a time you tried to get into a nightclub,

1172. and then, another time on holiday, just being embarrassed,

1173. and it seemed reminiscent of that, a lot of scenes

1174. from Hello Ladies.

1175. Did you ever have an incident similar to that scene

1176. in Hello Ladies at the nightclub where you fell

1177. through the table, anything that?

1178. - Not falling through the table, although, of course,

1179. you know, the Sarah Silverman party,

1180. I did something not, I mean worse.

1181. - What'd you? I don't remember.

1182. I was there, I don't.

1183. - Glass window.

1184. - Shut up.

1185. - Yeah, thanks for ruining the punchline.

1186. - Oh, I'm sorry.

1187. - Did you really?

1188. - That was gonna be quite the anecdote, but...

1189. Never mind.

1190. - You could stretch that thing out.

1191. - Yeah, we could have rolled that into quite the routine.

1192. - Wait, what?

1193. You seem...

1194. - Some stuff happened, I walked through a window.

1195. Anyway, next question.

1196. - There was book,

1197. that I read when I was young

1198. that was called How to be Funny.

1199. - Yeah, I should have that book.

1200. - By Steve Allen.

1201. - Oh, okay.

1202. - And so, the entire book was, like,

1203. Steve Allen talking about how he was at a party

1204. one time, and he told this story,

1205. and then he would explain why that was so fuckin' funny.

1206. And it was all just him being funny.

1207. So, then, one time, he talked about, he was at a roast,

1208. and he said, he went up there, and he did a string of jokes,

1209. and then, he painstakingly explained why they were funny.

1210. And, you know, he said, "It's the opposite of what I

1211. said earlier," so then, he said, his wife,

1212. he had a godawful fuckin' shrew of a wife,

1213. then was sisters to Jane Meadows, the great Jane Meadows.

1214. I mean, the great Audrey Meadows,

1215. who was on the Hooneymooners, and this woman's name

1216. was Jane Meadows, and she was famous

1217. as Steve Allen's wife, so she gets up there

1218. dressed like Mary Antoinette, in the story

1219. that Steven Allen's telling, and does the roast,

1220. and then he explains why that's funny, and he's like,

1221. "Well, that's different than me, 'cause it's a character,

1222. "so you have to understand when she goes,

1223. "'How are you enjoying the cake?'

1224. "Well,

1225. "Marie Antoinette once said this fuckin' famous thing,"

1226. and you're like, goddamn, so then he has a chapter,

1227. How Not to Be Funny.

1228. No, this was the chapter called How Not to Be Funny,

1229. and she said, you know, he was real funny,

1230. his wife was real funny, and then the next person

1231. on the dais was Richard Pryor, and he was not funny.

1232. And, he said, Richard Pryor got up onstage,

1233. looked at Jane Meadows, and said,

1234. "I think she farted."

1235. So, it was the only funny thing in the whole book.

1236. How to Be Funny.

1237. Boy, that guy.

1238. You were in a play, a little birdie told me.

1239. - A little birdie.

1240. - Yeah, a play called The Mentalist.

1241. - That's right, yeah.

1242. - You know what a mentalist is in real life?

1243. - It's someone who can sort of do psychic trickery,

1244. right?

1245. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

1246. - Yes, this wasn't about that.

1247. - Oh, it wasn't.

1248. - No, this was about two guys in a hotel room,

1249. one of whom has decided is gonna sort of start

1250. an alternative society.

1251. - Wow.

1252. - And it was a sort of kind

1253. of darkly comic Pinteresque two-hander.

1254. - Wow.

1255. - Yeah.

1256. - So, if it's Pinteresque, it means

1257. there was a lot of dialog for you to chew on.

1258. - Lot of talking, yeah.

1259. Took me forever.

1260. Took me three-and-a-half months to learn it.

1261. - I bet that'd be hard.

1262. - It was brutal. - My god.

1263. - Yeah.

1264. - Does the fear every go away that it's all gonna be lost—

1265. - No, and never want to do it again.

1266. - No.

1267. - Never gonna do a play again.

1268. Pointless.

1269. It was the same thing every night.

1270. It was interminable.

1271. I used to resent that the audience had showed up.

1272. If you weren't here, we wouldn't have to do this.

1273. I was angry.

1274. And then, of course, people would make noises,

1275. or like join a matinee, fall asleep, or fart,

1276. and you couldn't comment on it,

1277. 'cause you weren't allowed to break the rules,

1278. so, you know.

1279. - How long was the run?

1280. - No, I read, I heard.

1281. - Too long.

1282. - Tony Randall tell this story once.

1283. He was doing something on Broadway, you know,

1284. and a guy in the front row went like.

1285. - While he was onstage.

1286. - Yeah, yeah.

1287. It was interminable.

1288. - Where did you do this?

1289. - It was also, there was a moment right at the end

1290. of the play, where you heard a police siren,

1291. and that was a very significant part of the play,

1292. because it meant that the police were coming

1293. for my character, spoiler, and, but of course,

1294. because it was an old Victorian theater,

1295. you would just hear real life sirens, all the way

1296. through the play.

1297. - Yeah, that's hilarious.

1298. - I should have been able to comment on it, right?

1299. 'Cause my character should be fearful of that,

1300. but couldn't.

1301. It wouldn't be allowed, so it was just infuriating.

1302. Particularly if you've ever done stand-up.

1303. - Were you surprised by Brexit?

1304. - I was surprised by Brexit, thank you for asking.

1305. - You were huh? - Yes, I was.

1306. - I wasn't surprised. - You saw it coming?

1307. - Well, here's the thing.

1308. - Well, you seem to know a lot about England, and the Welsh.

1309. - I never heard of Brexit, that was my,

1310. so I wasn't surprised.

1311. - Right.

1312. - Because, you know.

1313. - Yeah.

1314. - It took me a long time to understand what it stood for.

1315. Do you know?

1316. - Uh, yeah, I don't remember.

1317. - I'll whisper it to you.

1318. I'll whisper it.

1319. - Good god.

1320. - I'm whispering.

1321. - No, all right, I'm whispering.

1322. I'm trying to listen.

1323. - British exit.

1324. - That's right.

1325. That's exactly what it was.

1326. - You tell him.

1327. Tell him what it stands for.

1328. - I don't think that's what.

1329. All right, he says British exit.

1330. - That's, I think that's. - Is that it, yeah?

1331. Uh, okay.

1332. - Didn't have to take that long.

1333. Goddamn.

1334. - I'm glad I've done this show.

1335. This is, no, I'm glad to be here.

1336. - Thank you, it's great to have you.

1337. - Thank you, I appreciate it.

1338. - You're, I mean, you'd be like the top three guests,

1339. probably.

1340. - I would agree.

1341. - Top three guests.

1342. - We used to quote The Office like constantly,

1343. and, actually, like, we love it.

1344. - I'm one of these guys that refuse to watch

1345. the American Office.

1346. - Right.

1347. - I watched the—

1348. - Pilot.

1349. - Pilot, and here's where I found the distinct difference.

1350. In the pilot of the British office,

1351. they ask, the documentary-maker asks David Brent,

1352. about comedy, and he goes, you know,

1353. "I couldn't name three, if you asked me three geniuses,"

1354. you know, "I would say Newton, Einstein, yeah,

1355. "I'd say Milligan, Cleese, they have their obsessions,"

1356. so anyways, he picked great comics.

1357. Then, I see the American ones, he said Bob Hope,

1358. that's what Steve Carell said.

1359. "I like Bob Hope."

1360. I'm like.

1361. - Sure.

1362. - Why would you like Bob Hope?

1363. It's so much more interesting that a guy

1364. with no sense of humor loves good comedy.

1365. - Right, right, right, right, right.

1366. - 'Cause that's what I heard in high school all the time.

1367. People would just play Monty Python all the time,

1368. you know, just recite it, and just witless idiots.

1369. - Although I would contend that Bob Hope

1370. was a good comedian.

1371. - Well, he's my favorite comic, but most people.

1372. It's funny you would say that,

1373. 'cause I thought only I liked him.

1374. - He actually does love him.

1375. - I love him, I think he's brilliant—

1376. - He actually does love Bob Hope—

1377. - In fact, you know what?

1378. I found out only recently that he spent some time

1379. in my hometown of Bristol, grew up when he was like three,

1380. or something, before he came to America,

1381. in a house not far from where I grew up,

1382. and when I found that out, I was blown away.

1383. I was just, what a thrill?

1384. I was so excited.

1385. - I heard a story, oh, never mind.

1386. - Go ahead, go ahead.

1387. - No, I don't want to ruin, it's fine.

1388. - Did you meet him?

1389. - No, I saw him on, Barbara Walters was interviewing him,

1390. he's not a guy that, you know, has his heart on his sleeve,

1391. you know what I mean?

1392. He, sort of, and she said, "I read that when you were young,

1393. "you were, you know, two-story flat, and, you know,

1394. "you were ten children, three of them died,

1395. "and you had to go play the old hall,

1396. "just to survive," and he said, "Isn't that wild?"

1397. And then she said, "You've been married 50 years.

1398. "Like, how do you and Delores keep the marriage going?"

1399. He goes, "I play golf.

1400. "We have the dogs."

1401. But I like that he was only about comedy.

1402. That's what I like about Bob Hope, and also,

1403. you can't name a joke of Bob Hope's,

1404. because he didn't have any.

1405. Like, he would just use bad jokes.

1406. - Right.

1407. - But he was brilliant.

1408. - I like his film persona, I think,

1409. more than his stand-up persona.

1410. - People forgot how great a physical comic he was, also.

1411. - But I also, you can clearly see how much Woody Allen

1412. stole from him, in terms of the persona, the nervousness—

1413. - Stole completely.

1414. - The would-be womanizer,

1415. which I've tried to steal, famously, as well.

1416. - He just stole it, and then he thought, well,

1417. if I say I stole it, that's all right.

1418. - Right, yeah.

1419. - I read that Milton Berle, when I was a kid,

1420. Milton Berle would always go, "I'm a thief,"

1421. you know, he goes, "I sit at the back of the club.

1422. "I like that kid.

1423. "My hand hurts from writing," you know what I mean?

1424. And, he said, "I do these jokes," so naturally,

1425. you thought he wasn't a thief.

1426. Turned out he was.

1427. - He was.

1428. Right, right, right.

1429. - So, there was this persona, so other comics

1430. must have gone, that motherfucker.

1431. Like his persona is a thief.

1432. - Did you ever meet one of your comedy heroes,

1433. and just were devastatingtly disappointed?

1434. That's not a loaded question—

1435. - Should I tell him the time I met Matlock?

1436. I have one story.

1437. - Yeah.

1438. - I met Matlock in a bookstore in LA,

1439. and he was reading a big heavy book, you know.

1440. So, I try to get up close.

1441. Do you know who Matlock is?

1442. Used to be Andy Griffith.

1443. - He played Matlock, that wasn't his real name.

1444. - Ben Matlock, Ben Matlock.

1445. White suits, lawyer.

1446. He's a big, big lawyer.

1447. So, he's reading a book, you know, so I get,

1448. I don't like books.

1449. - No.

1450. - They make me sleepy, but—

1451. - You surprise me.

1452. - I got close to him, and I pick up a book, you know,

1453. 'cause I want him to notice, and I don't know

1454. what to say, so I go, "Holy fuck, I didn't see

1455. "that shit coming," something like that, right?

1456. And then he turns to me, and I was younger,

1457. and he said, "It's nice to see a young man

1458. "who likes literature."

1459. And I go, "I like literature.

1460. "I like TV, I like lawyers."

1461. You know, "I like whites," and then, my throat got dry,

1462. and my whole being felt like I was somewhere else.

1463. I never felt such a feeling.

1464. It was not him.

1465. - It wasn't Matlock.

1466. - Didn't even look like him.

1467. - Wow.

1468. - And you know what?

1469. - Yeah.

1470. - Stephen, I'll say this, not a day goes by,

1471. I don't think about that fuckin' old man,

1472. how much I hate his fuckin' guts.

1473. - No, I hear ya. I hear ya.

1474. - Well, thanks for coming.

1475. I don't think we can use that one on the show tonight.

1476. - You'd be surprised.

1477. - That's when I was on SNL,

1478. and the producer's name on SNL was Lorne Michaels,

1479. and I was doing a bunch of jokes about Michael Jackson,

1480. and he said, "Norm, you don't want to get sued

1481. "by Michael Jackson," and secretly I did.

1482. I didn't tell Lorne, but I thought, how fuckin' cool

1483. would that be?

1484. I'd be in court, and there's Michael Jackson

1485. on the other side.

1486. - Yeah.

1487. - It's Michael Jackson against Norm.

1488. That has to help my profile a huge amount.

1489. - If anyone wants to sue today, please feel free

1490. to sue Norm, he's looking for that.

1491. - What do you call it?

1492. The Savile estate.

1493. Wait, what about these questions?

1494. You remember, still remember dialog from The Mentalist,

1495. that you could just say right now?

1496. - No, it's all evaporated.

1497. I can only remember a couple portions of anything.

1498. I can remember the first fit of the Windhover,

1499. by Gerard Manley Hopkins, which is a poem.

1500. - Yeah, I know.

1501. Even if I didn't.

1502. - Well, come on, you do it, I don't want, it's your show—

1503. - Even if I didn't know, I would know.

1504. - Yeah.

1505. I remember the other portion of that,

1506. and I remember like the definition of Marxism.

1507. - Wow.

1508. - In any given capitalist environment,

1509. the Proletariat will revolt against their oppression

1510. by the Bourgeoisie, and after a brief period

1511. of socialist rule emerges a classist society

1512. governed by corporation.

1513. I remember that, which is of no use,

1514. nor is the Windhover, but I don't remember anything else.

1515. I don't remember useful information.

1516. I don't remember sort of charming.

1517. - It's funny how you remember poems when you're a child,

1518. huh? - Yeah.

1519. - Do you remember Wilfrid Hyde-White?

1520. No, I think that was an actor.

1521. - That was an actor, yeah.

1522. You're thinking of Wilfrid—

1523. - He's always played the old man.

1524. - That's right, yeah.

1525. - I was thinking of Wilfrid Owen.

1526. - Yeah.

1527. - His poems were quite, they always stuck with me.

1528. - Feel free.

1529. - Oh no, I'm not gonna.

1530. I couldn't do them justice.

1531. You know, the smell of the goddamn, you know,

1532. World War One?

1533. A man would walk, and there would be mud

1534. up to his ankles, and then, by god,

1535. he'd see a big, green gray fog coming at him.

1536. He wouldn't know what it was.

1537. And it'd hit him, and he'd take a breath,

1538. and by the time his knees hit,

1539. he'd be insensate, and by the time his head hit,

1540. he'd be dead.

1541. But listen, it was better than being in the trenches,

1542. where the rats got fat on their corpse

1543. that was sitting next to you.

1544. - Yeah.

1545. - We gotta go to break.

1546. But when we come back, we have jokes.

1547. We return with Stephen Merchant,

1548. and this is the section of the show where we do jokes,

1549. because a lot of the people we get on,

1550. they don't have natural wit like you.

1551. - That was a compliment until you started smirking

1552. and giggling.

1553. - And it was a compliment, I meant it as a compliment,

1554. it's just sometimes, I can't think of the next thing

1555. to say.

1556. - Sure.

1557. Go on, surprise me.

1558. - I don't know why, but a lot of times, I'll talk,

1559. and halfway through the sentence, I think,

1560. something will fuckin' come.

1561. - Sure, sure, sure.

1562. - And then sometimes it doesn't.

1563. - Can I ask you a serious question, 'cause I,

1564. you know, admire you greatly as a stand-up comic?

1565. - Yeah.

1566. - How do you work your stand-up comedy act?

1567. Do you go up there and just ad lib until something

1568. makes sense, like you just said, until something hits?

1569. I don't mean this, I'm not being facetious.

1570. I'm genuinely intrigued.

1571. Or do you work it out before?

1572. I'm always intrigued.

1573. - I have a fantastic punchline.

1574. - Oh, you think of a punchline, as it were—

1575. - Yeah, I think of a great, great punchline,

1576. and then, I just wander around, because I used to do it

1577. by rote, you know, like I would, that fellow there

1578. booked me on Letterman, and then you had to do five minutes,

1579. and it had to be word for word, you know?

1580. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1581. - But, I'm not a good enough comic actor

1582. to pretend it's my first time saying it, so instead,

1583. I just start yapping, and then I would think, you know,

1584. out of like desperation, you're funny, kind of,

1585. you know what I mean?

1586. - Right.

1587. - Because people are looking at you.

1588. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

1589. - And then you say just think of little jokes,

1590. knowing the giant joke is coming.

1591. - Mm-hmm, but you've already worked out.

1592. - Yeah, that's there.

1593. - Okay, that's in the can.

1594. - I'm just circling it, like, like the satellite,

1595. the moon is circling this whirling cinder we call earth.

1596. - Yeah.

1597. - Okay, now here's a joke.

1598. Are you ready?

1599. - Yeah.

1600. - Okay, you could just read that.

1601. - Oh, I read it?

1602. - Yeah, you read it right into the camera,

1603. that tree right there.

1604. - I had an uncle, mean guy.

1605. He was a prize fighter.

1606. He once broke both his hands in a fight

1607. against a washer-dryer that he got

1608. on The Price is Right.

1609. - What? Why The Price is Right?

1610. - He was a prize fighter, and he won it

1611. on The Price is Right.

1612. He won the prize.

1613. - A prize fighter.

1614. - Yeah, and he won the prize,

1615. and then he had a fight against it, washer-dryer.

1616. - Goddamn, there's more layers there—

1617. - Let me explain why that's funny.

1618. - Fuckin' MC Escher write that?

1619. Here's one.

1620. What's that joke say?

1621. - Uh, wait, where?

1622. - I like that it's a put down in a club.

1623. What did you come up with that?

1624. Did MC Escher come up with that?

1625. - Here's uh, what the fuck is his name?

1626. - Adam Eget.

1627. - Adam Egret.

1628. - It's Eget.

1629. - Eget, not Egret.

1630. - When I was...

1631. - Don't ignore me.

1632. - What happened?

1633. - He's looking at you.

1634. - Oh, hey.

1635. I don't know if you knew this,

1636. but when I was a child, my parents told me

1637. my uncle was sleeping with the fishes,

1638. which at the time, I assumed,

1639. meant he bought a waterbed.

1640. Then I found out he had been killed,

1641. and his body buried at sea.

1642. - God.

1643. Oh my god.

1644. - Is that in parentheses?

1645. - My father, this is all about relatives.

1646. My father was recently diagnosed with shingles,

1647. which was a terrible sickness,

1648. that usually only affects roofs.

1649. - All right, yeah, that works.

1650. - But I tell you what does hurt the elderly.

1651. Gypsies. Black gypsies.

1652. - What?

1653. - Yeah, they show up, they go up on your roof,

1654. they say, "We got lots of work to do on the roof.

1655. "Roof's no good."

1656. Old lady says, "All right, how long will it be?"

1657. "I don't know."

1658. They get up there, and they ate their little sandwiches,

1659. cut, the crust is cut off,

1660. and it's in a triangle, with a toothpick in there,

1661. and, yellow cellophane, and red cellophane.

1662. - Have you got the big punchline you're working towards?

1663. - I think black gypsies was the punchline.

1664. - Hotel Rwanda, you remember that?

1665. - Oh, jeez.

1666. - You remember that movie?

1667. - Yeah.

1668. - Well, there's a thing about Hotel Rwanda.

1669. - I've noticed that Hotel Rwanda has a great score

1670. on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.

1671. - Growing up, I had a dog with an eating disorder.

1672. He wouldn't eat any of my homework.

1673. I'd like to take this moment to say I endorse podiums.

1674. That's a product I can stand behind!

1675. No, but I will tell you this.

1676. I one time worked for Otis Elevator.

1677. I don't know if you know who they are.

1678. - Who?

1679. - Otis Elevators, they make elevators.

1680. - Okay.

1681. - It's a company.

1682. And they wanted me to come up with a slogan.

1683. I thought I had a great one.

1684. "Otis Elevators, they never let you down,"

1685. but.

1686. Wait, what's this say.

1687. I don't want to give you bad ones.

1688. Oh, this is a pretty good one.

1689. I don't know if this is a British expression or not,

1690. that they had up there.

1691. You can peruse through it.

1692. "Peruse" means read fast.

1693. - I feel like I'm gonna offend someone.

1694. I don't understand this.

1695. - No, no, no, no.

1696. Oh, you don't understand it.

1697. It's not insulting to any minorities

1698. or anything like that.

1699. - You sure?

1700. - Yes, I'm absolutely certain.

1701. I'm absolutely certain.

1702. - Who knows, at this point.

1703. I don't understand why LA is struggling

1704. to provide better public transportation,

1705. when my neighbor Rich offers free mustache rides

1706. every night?

1707. I don't understand what that means?

1708. - That's a heterosexual man, he has a mustache.

1709. - Right.

1710. - And he's inviting ladies, to ride—

1711. - To sit on his face.

1712. - Okay.

1713. - That's why we make jokes. - A mustache ride?

1714. Is that what it is?

1715. - Yeah, free mustache rides.

1716. - Yeah, so guys that wear tee shirts

1717. say "Free mustache rides—"

1718. - I wonder why that never made it across the pond.

1719. I wonder that's not a thing a there.

1720. It's like it got to customs, and, "No, we're not.

1721. "That's not gonna work for us."

1722. - Goddamn.

1723. Imagine how fuckin' hard you could destroy with that joke.

1724. - Yeah, you're right, yeah.

1725. - A young Zika mosquito.

1726. - Oh god, topical.

1727. - Torn from today's headlines.

1728. - Yeah.

1729. - Went out flying for the first time in his life.

1730. When it came back, it's father asked,

1731. "How was it out there?

1732. "How'd you feel?"

1733. The young zika mosquito replied, "It was great, Daddy.

1734. "Everyone was clapping for me."

1735. - Oh.

1736. I feel, I feel—

1737. - The father replied, "No one was clapping hands for you.

1738. "Why, everyone wants to kill you.

1739. "The more they clapped, the more chances

1740. "that you were gonna die."

1741. In life, not all the people who celebrate you

1742. are well-wishers.

1743. - Oh, that's turned

1744. into a little philosophical lesson there,

1745. and I felt like that was an age old mosquito parable,

1746. that someone's inserted Zika into,

1747. to make it seem like this show is up to date.

1748. - No, I agree, I agree with you.

1749. Here, here's an interesting one.

1750. Adam Egret, who is, by the way,

1751. - Eget. - I'll just remind you.

1752. He's over here, that's him.

1753. - Yeah.

1754. - Joke, an Adam Eget joke.

1755. - How do you say the name?

1756. - Adam Eget.

1757. - Eget. Spelt differently.

1758. - Like the bird.

1759. - That's egret.

1760. - Do you know what Adam Egert has in common

1761. with a guitar player?

1762. - Adam Eget has in common with a guitar player.

1763. No, I don't know.

1764. - They both love fingering minors.

1765. - Now, okay, come on now.

1766. Come on, now.

1767. Come on, now.

1768. - Okay.

1769. - Well, now, I know you're a political fella,

1770. but you have no dog in the hunt in this race, but,

1771. you don't know, so you just know what you hear.

1772. - What?

1773. - Like endorsements, you'll listen to endorsements.

1774. It'll all become clear.

1775. - It's so complicated, this.

1776. Hillary has the support of the Orlando terrorist's dad.

1777. - Hillary has the support

1778. of the Orlando terrorist's dad, has come out in favor

1779. of Hillary.

1780. - Trump has the support of white supremacist groups.

1781. - White supremacists.

1782. David Duke come outs in favor.

1783. - I can't decide who I like best,

1784. until the Zika virus weighs in.

1785. - What?

1786. - All these bad people are endorsing both...

1787. - Those Zika virus jokes, are very much,

1788. a hot potato topic on Norm's writing staff.

1789. - I don't know what that means.

1790. No, don't read it, don't read it, don't read it.

1791. - Playboy Magazine has done away with the nude photo layouts

1792. altogether.

1793. In other words, they've eliminated ladies

1794. in the altogether altogether.

1795. - Wow, oh man.

1796. - That's a very, that's a sort of radio DJ joke, I feel.

1797. - The way you, the way you, your voice.

1798. Yeah, you had to have—

1799. - In other words, they've eliminated ladies

1800. in the altogether, altogether.

1801. Here's Taylor Swift.

1802. - Hey, by the way, I've noticed the term "adult toy"

1803. always refers to something you can shove up

1804. your asshole, and never like a big race car,

1805. like for a grown-up.

1806. - Another good observation.

1807. - I can sell that to...

1808. - Didn't we rip all of these from Stephen Allen?

1809. - When I die, I want to be cremated,

1810. and my ashes spread eagle, and fucked, fucked hard,

1811. like a fuckin' real tran.

1812. What? Come on, man.

1813. Why did they make me say that?

1814. - Wow.

1815. - Jesus Christ.

1816. You see, somebody writes that.

1817. It's not me.

1818. This is some fucker over there, in the next room,

1819. and then I say it, like a goddamn robot,

1820. and then people think I thought of it,

1821. but I'm clearly, you know,

1822. I can't even type.

1823. - Yeah.

1824. - You ever read a book?

1825. You read that communist thing.

1826. - Yeah, I read the Marxist Manifesto.

1827. - Who was the better man?

1828. - Okay.

1829. - Dr. Martin Luther King?

1830. - Mm-hmm.

1831. - Stalin.

1832. - Finally, these are the big questions.

1833. Well, I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

1834. You know, I don't want to be sued by the estates

1835. of either.

1836. I'm gonna go for MLK.

1837. - You know history.

1838. - I know a little history.

1839. - And I know you're very good friends

1840. with David Irving, the author,

1841. who he reads constantly.

1842. - Yeah, I'm not friends with David Irving.

1843. - Do you know that he, though, is a revisionist?

1844. - Oh, you're a revisionist?

1845. - Well, he's a denier, a Holocaust denier.

1846. You've never read, he's never read David Irving,

1847. 'cause he's too smart.

1848. And I tell him, well, David Irving is,

1849. would be your biggest ally, you know what I mean,

1850. instead of these morons.

1851. You knew David Irving instantly when I said it.

1852. - Absolutely.

1853. - It's as if you're his best friend.

1854. But you've studied Irving?

1855. - I've not studied Irving, no, no.

1856. But I'm aware of who he is.

1857. - Yeah.

1858. What do you think about guys like this, though?

1859. - This guy?

1860. - Yeah.

1861. - He seems like—

1862. - Come around, this is his little joke,

1863. against the poor masses, - Stone roses.

1864. That came out of a chimney.

1865. - It's a band from Manchester.

1866. This has nothing to do with the Holocaust.

1867. I didn't bring up the Holocaust.

1868. - You did.

1869. - I love the fact that you sort of gleefully said,

1870. "I didn't bring up the Holocaust."

1871. I normally do, by mistake, but today.

1872. Didn't even bring it up.

1873. - All I'm saying is Stalin was just as bad.

1874. - That's what he always says!

1875. - Stalin was bad.

1876. - Yeah. - He was bad.

1877. - But if you're talking about Hitler,

1878. why is the first thing, Stalin was just as bad.

1879. - That's not my first thing.

1880. - First it wasn't just as bad.

1881. But anyways, even if he was...

1882. - Well, let's, we'd have to define what "badness" is,

1883. - Yeah, the whole thing.

1884. - And levels of badness.

1885. - Are you kidding me?

1886. We have to define that?

1887. That's what you two are saying?

1888. Well, you found your soul mate.

1889. I say, Hitler's bad.

1890. I don't think you have to try to define what "bad" is,

1891. of you have to go through any of these epistle,

1892. mogical fuckin' gymnastics to know that Hitler was bad!

1893. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

1894. I said it before it was cool to say it, I said it.

1895. But anyways, you're all.

1896. Listen, everybody's entitled to their opinion.

1897. I say, six million, he says 600.

1898. You say probably a number in between there somewhere.

1899. Um.

1900. But, if David Irving ever wants to do the show,

1901. he's welcome.

1902. - Good luck to him.

1903. - I look forward to him reading some of these gags.

1904. That's gonna be dynamite.

1905. - So, listen, guys, this has been fun, hasn't it?

1906. - This has been—

1907. - This is real good.

1908. It saves me a trip to my senile uncle.

1909. - I live down the hall from a woman who had Alzheimer's.

1910. And her son just stopped visiting her,

1911. and she took the notion that I was her son.

1912. This was when I was a young man.

1913. She took this notion that I was her son,

1914. and she had a bleak apartment.

1915. You know, it was empty, usually,

1916. and so, what I...

1917. I started doing, I would get pictures from the store,

1918. you know.

1919. They came in, you know, the picture would come

1920. in the frame,

1921. and I would put the picture down,

1922. and that would spark something.

1923. That woman would go, "That must be my son."

1924. You see what I mean?

1925. And then, I would just put things all over.

1926. And I put a ring one time on her finger.

1927. - So was this supposed to help her,

1928. or you were just playing with her,

1929. you were just screwing with her?

1930. - Both, both, both. - Okay.

1931. - It was to help her, and to entertain myself.

1932. And, in a way, when you think about it,

1933. isn't that what we all do in life?

1934. - That's a lovely upbeat message to end on.

1935. You know, if you need kicks, find a person

1936. with Alzheimer's and fuck with them,

1937. for their amusement and yours.

1938. That's a lovely message to go out on.

1939. - Yeah, we can't go out on that.

1940. - I think so.

1941. - Why don't you ask one of your questions that you had?

1942. - Hmm?

1943. - One of your questions.

1944. - No, 'cause that's put on due pressure on me

1945. to end this with something upbeat and positive,

1946. see, whereas I'd felt that very much

1947. is your responsibility, as it was.

1948. - Yeah, I thought that was great.

1949. Another missed opportunity.

1950. - Well, I can tell a joke.

1951. - Go for it. - Yeah, please do.

1952. - This is what we're looking for.

1953. - Yeah.

1954. - There was a fella, a little boy in school

1955. named Dirty Johnny.

1956. Now, he's not dirty in this joke,

1957. but he'd always said, be a hellion in class,

1958. and the teacher didn't think much of him,

1959. so the teacher has a project, or not a project,

1960. but an in-class thing.

1961. How'd that go again?

1962. Says, oh, I says, she says, "Now,

1963. "this is what you're gonna do here, class.

1964. "I want you to stand up.

1965. "I want you to stand up, and tell the class

1966. "a story from your life, and then afterwards

1967. "say, the moral to that story,"

1968. so a girl puts up her hand.

1969. "Yes, Becky.

1970. "What's you story?"

1971. So Becky stands up,

1972. she goes, "My dad works for the hatchery,

1973. "here in town, and what happens was,

1974. "he got about 15 eggs, and he put them all in one basket,

1975. "all the same basket, so he put all his eggs

1976. "in one basket, and he put it on the horse and buggy

1977. "and drove back home, and by god,"

1978. Becky says, "the bouncing and all the eggs broke."

1979. "Well, that's a good story," the teacher says,

1980. "but what would the moral be to that?"

1981. Becky says, "Well, the moral is,

1982. "don't put all your eggs into one basket."

1983. "But goddamn," says the teacher, "that's a good one.

1984. "Anybody else?"

1985. Marjorie puts up her hand.

1986. "Marjorie, what's your story?"

1987. She says, "Well, my dad works for the hatchery,

1988. "as most all of us, thank god for the hatchery,

1989. "she says, or we'd all be lost,

1990. "but anyways, my dad knows that eggs become chickens,

1991. "and so, he was counting his chickens,

1992. "and he added in the eggs, you see,

1993. "and then he put them on a horse and buggy to go to town,

1994. "and they all broke."

1995. "Well, what's the lesson to that?" the teacher says.

1996. She can't understand.

1997. And she says, "Well, don't count your chickens

1998. "before they hatch out of an egg,"

1999. so the teacher says, "That's a great one too.

2000. Anybody else?"

2001. Well, wouldn't you know, Dirty Johnny has his hand up.

2002. So, the teacher's like, holy god, I don't want it,

2003. but on the other hand, I made an oath

2004. to every child should, suppose I gotta,

2005. "All right, Dirty Johnny.

2006. "What do you have to say?"

2007. Johnny stands up.

2008. "Story's about my Uncle Terry.

2009. "He never worked at the hatchery,

2010. "on the account he was in Vietnam,

2011. "and he got disability.

2012. "He don't even like people work at the hatchery.

2013. "But the story happened far from these shores,

2014. "in a little town called Danang.

2015. "Terry was not well-liked.

2016. "His whole troop left him, abandoned,

2017. "and he woke up in the weeds,

2018. "and all they left him with was three bottles

2019. "of Jack Daniels, some weapons, and Terry stood up,

2020. "and downed one bottle right away,

2021. "said, 'If I'm going out, I'm going out,'

2022. "and he took his Bulochnikov and a couple of glocks,

2023. "and his two bottles, and away he went.

2024. "He found a town, and he didn't know if it was Charlie,

2025. "or if it was one he was sent to protect,

2026. "but all he knew was he had hate in his gut,

2027. "so he started firing, and he fired that Kalashnikov

2028. "with an arcing kind of, like a farmer would with hay,

2029. "with a scythe, and sure enough,

2030. "the men fell like hay before him,

2031. "and then the women, and by god, I'm ashamed to say it,

2032. "but then, the children.

2033. "And finally, all was left was Uncle Terry,

2034. "standing in the mud, in the blood,

2035. "and the glory,

2036. "and he touched his pants and there was,

2037. "it was wet, and he said he was ashamed.

2038. "He felt shame, Uncle Terry, for he'd pissed himself.

2039. "Well, he touched it again.

2040. "It was not urine at all, but ejaculate.

2041. "And Uncle Terry felt pride where shame once was."

2042. And the teacher's like, "Good Christ,

2043. "what kind of a story is that?

2044. "What the hell is the moral to that?"

2045. "Well," he says, "when Uncle Terry's been drinking,

2046. "you don't fuck with him,

2047. "now, especially if you work at the hatchery."

2048. Nah, listen.

2049. It's been great to have you.

2050. I didn't want to end on such a long joke,

2051. but I realize once I was in, I couldn't get out.

2052. - You were in. Yeah, yeah.

2053. - But, it's been wonderful to see you.

2054. - Thanks for having me.

2055. - And, we'll look for you.

2056. This is,

2057. - Adam Eget. - Adam Eget.

2058. - Nice to meet you, Adam.

2059. - Nice to meet you.

2060. - The Gray Man.