Norm Macdonald Live 2x9

1. - Tonight we talk to David Koechner.

2. We will ask him about his short tenure

3. on Saturday Night Live, which I think

4. should've been much longer.

5. Why that happened, how that happened,

6. I have no idea,

7. so I'll find that out.

8. And, also, of course we'll

9. look at his post-SNL career,

10. which has been very successful,

11. including both Anchorman movies,

12. where he was Champ Kind.

13. Remember that?

14. - Whammy.

15. - Whammy, and something.

16. So, before we start,

17. and I wanna get this over with quick

18. so we can get right to David Koechner.

19. - Uh-huh.

20. Have you heard of trigger warnings?

21. You ever hear of that?

22. - Yeah.

23. I've heard a little bit about it.

24. - It's in universities now.

25. I don't know where it started, but.

26. - I think it started on blogs initially,

27. but I think what it is, is—

28. - Why don't you explain to the folks quicker.

29. A trigger warning is.

30. - In my understanding, I think trigger warnings

31. evolved into universities, at the start of a course,

32. let's say for example there's a course on feminism

33. and there's gonna be topics that might be

34. sore subjects for some, such as rape that might come up

35. throughout the term.

36. And if there's a student who may or may not have been raped

37. or have had some negative experience revolved around it

38. or a close friend, then it's important for the

39. professor to sort of let the class know that these are

40. certain subjects that might arise throughout

41. the term.

42. A warning.

43. - You're saying if a woman has been raped

44. that that would be a sore subject for her.

45. - That's just a

46. - There's many more examples that'd be better than that.

47. - More examples.

48. - There might be, you might warn them about

49. some racist subject that might come up.

50. - Sure.

51. - If there's certain racial ethnicities

52. in the class.

53. - Right.

54. - Or you might warn them about

55. violence.

56. Let's say you're talkin' about the war or something,

57. and that person's father lost a leg in the war.

58. Anything like that.

59. - Yeah, rape would be worse, yeah.

60. Much worse. - Trigger warning,

61. the trigger warning allows the person

62. to know beforehand, that sensitive subject

63. is to appear in the classroom of the university,

64. and allow him to leave

65. or her

66. and get a fresh beverage in the next room, so,

67. I thought we should put trigger warnings here

68. on the podcast, 'cause sometimes

69. - Makes sense. - It gets a little

70. controversial.

71. - More often than not.

72. - And sensitive souls

73. might have a slightly harder time digesting.

74. - Agreed.

75. - The material.

76. So, trigger warning:

77. I may use old-timey slang from time to time.

78. And it may make you feel disoriented,

79. as if you are no longer in the cool,

80. hip hop era.

81. Just warning, see how this works?

82. - Mmm-hmm.

83. - Trigger warning: There may be repeated

84. and partisan references to the bestest and cutest

85. little kitty in the whole world,

86. Princess Kitty McMahon.

87. So if you feel that that in some way

88. disparages your kitty,

89. then you shouldn't watch the podcast.

90. That's a trigger warning.

91. Do you understand how this works, Eget?

92. - Definitely, of course.

93. - Yes.

94. Trigger warning: There may be physical violence,

95. some of which you cannot handle,

96. and it's gonna be graphic, it's gonna be bloody,

97. but I do want to reassure you, most of it

98. is directed at Adam Eget, and is richly deserved.

99. Trigger warning: I may mention

100. some street names in Toronto.

101. Now I'm not sure why that should bother you so much,

102. but a lot of people have complained.

103. - I've noticed.

104. - Yeah.

105. Trigger warning: I may not sufficiently buttress

106. your self-esteem, and I regret that,

107. but this isn't school.

108. I don't have to do that.

109. - Fair enough.

110. - Trigger warning:

111. I may use words like "buttress"

112. which some of you will be offended by

113. 'cause you don't understand the word.

114. It doesn't mean the hole

115. in the behind of your ass.

116. Trigger warning:

117. Some violence may take place

118. that is not physical, but mental violence.

119. For instance, Adam Eget,

120. you are a disappointment.

121. A disappointment to your family,

122. a disappointment to yourself,

123. a disappointment

124. to your god.

125. By the way, I saw that film

126. that you recommended me, that you called a fantasy,

127. Shoah.

128. Horrifying.

129. Trigger warning: I may express enthusiasm

130. about a commercial product,

131. that will disturb some podcastees

132. because the sentiment may

133. extend

134. into ecstasy,

135. perhaps even rapture.

136. Especially when it is a product as good as

137. FutureAdvisors.

138. FutureAdvisors

139. when you don't know what to do with your money.

140. - You really don't like Shoah?

141. - Shame.

142. Shame.

143. - Can't win 'em all.

144. - Fantasy indeed.

145. Back with David Koechner

146. momentarily.

147. What the fuck.

148. - We gotta five dollar fun.

149. - What's that?

150. - Five dollar fun, right?

151. - Five dollar, is that what that costs?

152. You know,

153. it wasn't me.

154. You know David Koechner our guest for tonight.

155. When I was at Saturday Night Live

156. I smoked a lot of cigarettes.

157. I enjoyed smoking cigarettes

158. and there was a 500 dollar fine for smoking cigarettes.

159. At the time, I was flush.

160. And I would carry five

161. crisp hundred dollar bills in my pocket

162. and smoke, smoked,

163. whenever the urge hit me,

164. to smoke cigarettes.

165. And

166. our security guys would come over,

167. "You can't smoke, you can't smoke."

168. I'd go, "Here's 500 dollars."

169. They'd go, "I can't take 500 dollars from you."

170. I go, they go, "I don't think I'm allowed."

171. I go, "Okay.

172. "Good for me."

173. David Koechner, you know from The Office,

174. Anchorman.

175. You don't have to clap, it's ridiculous.

176. Talladega Nights,

177. Thank You for Smoking, with

178. Aaron Eckhart. - Eckhart.

179. - He's a handsome guy.

180. - Very, very good-looking.

181. - And many, many more.

182. That's what it sounds like.

183. 'Cause of course there's many, many more because—

184. - There's a few.

185. - You've done so, so much.

186. Okay, we're gonna start with Saturday Night Live

187. - Yes.

188. - Because I

189. don't have really a theory

190. on why you left Saturday Night Live,

191. but I've always told everybody this.

192. I've said,

193. "The guy that they let go

194. "on Saturday Night Live,

195. "that was completely

196. "unfathomable, was David Koechner,

197. "because he was there one year."

198. How many characters did he have?

199. Gary Macdonald,

200. The Fops.

201. - Gerald.

202. - Gerald.

203. - T-Bones Tibbons.

204. - Gerald.

205. - T-Bones, T-Bones, yeah.

206. - Okay, let's start again.

207. - Alright. - You say 'em.

208. - Well, let's see.

209. - This is one year.

210. - The Fops,

211. Gary Macdonald.

212. - Gary Macdonald, my brother.

213. - Your brother, T-Bones.

214. - T-Bones,

215. Gerald T-Bones Tibbons. - Gerald T-Bones

216. Tibbons.

217. Ah, let's see, I did Pat Buchanan.

218. - Pat Buchanan, did an impression.

219. Thought ya did another character.

220. - Another character, did I get it on?

221. - Fightin' Jeb Down.

222. - Fightin' Bill Downey,

223. never made it to the show.

224. - Oh.

225. I always assumed it was because

226. Jim Downey was the head writer, but

227. now I know.

228. - Yeah. - It's your

229. mother-in-law's. - Never made it

230. to the show.

231. We got it to the table— - It's your mother's

232. maiden name.

233. - Is Downey, yes.

234. - Is Downey, that's where that came from.

235. - Mmm-hmm.

236. - My name's, that's me.

237. - Remember me.

238. - He'd have a picture, he was a

239. kind of a punch-drunk.

240. - Kind of addlepated boxer. - Sure.

241. - Yeah, yeah.

242. What did you call him?

243. - Addlepated.

244. - An addlepated boxer.

245. He talks like a guy from a Joseph Mitchell.

246. Okay, so there was a picture of him in the bar you see,

247. in his prime. - He worked in the bar

248. yeah. - In his prime, yeah.

249. - Yeah, but then he worked at the bar,

250. he was a busboy 'cause the owner

251. I think had made a lot of money on him,

252. that was the backstory, and felt like,

253. "I'm gonna have Bill

254. "work here,

255. "but Bill'll be a busboy,

256. "just take people's plates."

257. - That's right.

258. - "Member me?

259. "I bet you made money on me.

260. "Forget about it.

261. "My hands hurt."

262. - His hands hurt, ah.

263. I met a boxer who was the heavyweight champion

264. of Canada,

265. and he was a guy that,

266. he was famous,

267. we loved him in Canada.

268. He fought

269. Ali

270. and Norton,

271. and Frazier,

272. never went down,

273. that was—

274. - What's his name?

275. - George Chuvalo, big.

276. - Wow. - Big white guy, you know.

277. And, never went down.

278. But he said

279. the first thing that goes is the kidneys

280. and then the brains,

281. because they get ya in the clinch.

282. - Yep.

283. - And they punch your kidneys.

284. - Yep.

285. - God dang.

286. - It's a tough game.

287. - And you know, with all this football and stuff, you know,

288. let's get better helmets and stuff.

289. You see movies from 50 years ago

290. and at the end of the movie they go,

291. "Boxing must be banned,"

292. like that's the idea of the film.

293. The motion picture.

294. - Yeah.

295. - But still.

296. - It goes well.

297. - Did you see Django Unchained?

298. - Yeah I did.

299. - Okay, you remember when

300. Leonardo DiCaprio and the boys were sittin' around

301. watchin' the, ah, slaves

302. - Yes, the Mandingo fights.

303. - Fight to death.

304. - Yeah, awful.

305. - Yeah, awful, but

306. isn't that what boxing is?

307. - No.

308. - You and your rich friends,

309. you go to Vegas,

310. you say, "Bring up those poor black people

311. "from the ghetto."

312. - I don't think that's the requirement.

313. - I don't think that's the requirement.

314. - If what's not a requirement?

315. - That you have to be African American to box.

316. - You have to be poor.

317. - Okay.

318. It just so happens, I think,

319. maybe because that's a way out for kids.

320. - Yeah. - Yeah.

321. - But do you think it's cool that

322. rich people pay money to watch two

323. poor people fight to the death?

324. - Well, if they're good, they won't be poor anymore.

325. Mayweather was one of the top

326. paid athletes last year.

327. - Yeah, yeah.

328. And he lost it all on the Jaguars.

329. - I thought we were going over my credits

330. and you've lured me into a discussion.

331. You put me on

332. the side of the argument - I'm tryin' to say—

333. - Of a rich, white person,

334. oppressing young, black males.

335. - What would you say to this? - Into boxing.

336. I don't know how I got that.

337. - Let me say this, too,

338. before we get to your credits.

339. - But before that. - And why you shouldn't

340. have been fired from SNL,

341. but when you talk about rich,

342. I look at the poster,

343. for Anchorman 2, and what do I see on the poster?

344. Paul Rudd.

345. Who else do I see?

346. Will Ferrell.

347. Who else do I see?

348. - Steve Carell. - Steve Carell.

349. - Steve Carell.

350. Who else do I see?

351. David Koechner.

352. Three multi-millionaires.

353. - I'm not a multi-million,

354. you think I'm really wealthy?

355. - No, I said three multi-millionaires.

356. - Oh three.

357. Listen, folks.

358. - And David Koechner.

359. - And David Koechner.

360. - The funniest guy in the fucking movie.

361. - Oh, come on.

362. - Now, do you ever look around

363. and go, "What the fuck?"

364. - There's no upside in that.

365. I have a good time.

366. There's no upside to going—

367. - There is no upside to down.

368. - There's no upside in comparing your career

369. with anybody else.

370. - No.

371. It's not a meritocracy,

372. is it, sir? - No.

373. And no one's taking anything away from you.

374. - No.

375. - Because you're in charge of your own destiny.

376. That's what I believe.

377. - Well, if you're in charge of your own destiny

378. then it's not destiny.

379. - Very good, Norm, you're right.

380. But, I think you,

381. you're a wordsmith.

382. - Now, listen.

383. I think, let's go back to Saturday Night Live.

384. - Alright.

385. - 'Cause it was always a mystery to me

386. why you were fired. - Yes.

387. I had my own theory, it's a rather shallow theory.

388. - I'd love to hear your theory.

389. - You were bald.

390. - Oh, that would not make it a,

391. an issue.

392. - The worst reason ever.

393. - So you, after I wasn't renewed,

394. my contract, you were just like,

395. "Hmm." - Yes.

396. - "The baldness got him."

397. - It was like, it was such a,

398. it was such a crazy thing

399. that I grasped on to that you were bald.

400. You know what I mean,

401. the way that

402. conspiracy theorists go,

403. "By god,

404. "one disturbed 24-year-old

405. "could not have taken down Camelot."

406. I think the same way with you.

407. - Was Oswalt 24?

408. - He was

409. a overachiever.

410. - He looked older than 24.

411. - He did, yeah.

412. - Here's why I think I was let go.

413. It was the first year that SNL had had competition

414. at late night, in that space.

415. There's the first year of Mad TV.

416. - Roseanne.

417. - Roseanne was—

418. - Had a talk show.

419. - Then ah—

420. - Stern.

421. - Stern had a show that night,

422. that same time period.

423. It's the first time the ratings had kinda slid

424. and the first time that West Coast had a lot of leverage

425. on Lorne.

426. So they just wanted changes.

427. And I was it.

428. - But you were the guy,

429. I remember when we came in,

430. it was you.

431. Wasn't even Will,

432. but the talk was all about David Koechner.

433. - Is that right?

434. - Yes. - Wow.

435. - And I think in the first year,

436. you proved to be the good one.

437. - I did well, I did well.

438. I will say this.

439. - Maybe another guy that had that many characters

440. in the first year of Saturday Night Live,

441. barred Eddie Murphy.

442. - Well I'll bet you Mike Myers did.

443. - First year? - First year?

444. - Probably. - Mike Myers's

445. first year, nothing.

446. - Nothing.

447. Why do I keep getting put on this side—

448. - You're not a bitter man, you're not bitter.

449. - On this side of these arguments.

450. - Well, you musta been, at that time you were a young man.

451. - Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell.

452. - It hurt, right. - It hurt like hell.

453. Here's what happened.

454. So I was also told that some of the West Coast people

455. weren't fans of like, The Fops,

456. and stuff like that, and they expected The Fops

457. to be a bigger breakout hit.

458. And we talked about this a little bit earlier,

459. I figured out what to do with The Fops

460. after I was off the show.

461. - Yeah.

462. - 'Cause we started on with The Fops on—

463. - Weekend Update.

464. - On Weekend Update.

465. - Your fan club.

466. - Yeah, fan club.

467. So, originally the character was this guy

468. I called Fagan who

469. played in the musical,

470. Oliver.

471. And that was the character.

472. And his whole thing was always,

473. "Ah, have you seen, uh, my Oliver,

474. "me in Oliver,

475. "I play, ah, Fagan."

476. 'Cause I had seen

477. an ad in the Chicago Tribune

478. for a touring

479. company

480. of the musical, Oliver.

481. And the guy playing Fagan was standing

482. in the back like this, like, "Uh."

483. As if to say, it struck me as like,

484. he's going, "Have you seen me, though?"

485. And so I made up his backstory was that

486. that's all he would do, is talk about him,

487. he started as the Artful Dodger

488. and he played that role all his life,

489. and then when his father

490. "Left the stage, he passed,

491. "I adopted the role of, ah, Fagan.

492. "Uh, have you seen it?

493. "Oh really."

494. So, and then Mark McKinney said,

495. "I have a character I think would might pair nicely

496. "with your Fagan."

497. And then we just made them fops,

498. without any real drive or idea of what they're gonna do.

499. So they appeared on your show and they were fawning, right.

500. So they were courtesans,

501. but no one ever found the right idea

502. 'cause then we just got thrown into sketches.

503. - Yeah.

504. - We did the intro with,

505. or the cold open with Alec Baldwin,

506. or the guest, whatever it was.

507. And then we did that thing with Spade that

508. made no sense. - Made no sense.

509. - And then sometimes we'd just be bare ass naked.

510. Now we did one sketch that didn't do well,

511. where we owned some antique shop,

512. or something like that. - I remember that one.

513. - Yeah.

514. But what I realized later, what should have happened

515. was, they were courtesans, they should have been

516. trying to always go up the ladder.

517. So, after we met you, we should have said, you know

518. "Would you introduce us to, ah, ah,

519. "Mr. Michaels, za za za za" and so we tried—

520. - No, you don't want to go right to Michaels.

521. - Well, we'd go to the host or whomever

522. and then try to get to Lorne,

523. and then after we got to Lorne,

524. we'd try to get to Bob Wright,

525. - Oh, yes. - Who's head of the network.

526. And then after Bob Wright,

527. it should've been Jack Welch.

528. - Yes, yes. - Right, and then—

529. - And the Koch brothers.

530. - Yeah.

531. I don't think they were

532. in the popular

533. idiom at the time.

534. - If you had

535. only given the show

536. Gerald T-Bone Tibbons

537. to me that'd be good enough

538. to put you on the show for a decade.

539. - Yes, should be.

540. Now, I told you earlier, too.

541. - Do you remember this?

542. I keep bothering you.

543. - That's good, I like that.

544. - Do you, this stands out for me,

545. but you have probably so many great nights

546. and I have so few.

547. But I went out with you to a bar one time

548. and I just

549. wanted you to be Gerald

550. for the entire night.

551. And by golly we had fun.

552. - Did I do it?

553. - Oh yeah, you did it,

554. and the funniest thing, of course,

555. was when you would go to girls

556. and talk to them, ignoring their boyfriends.

557. How would that go?

558. - "Hi.

559. "How you doin', sweetheart?

560. "Ah, could you, do you wanna buy me a drink

561. "or should I buy you one?

562. "Wow, you light up the room, sweetie."

563. - "Yeah, I'm with my boyfriend."

564. You be the boyfriend.

565. - "Yeah.

566. "We're all with somebody.

567. "Hey, why don't ya fuck off for a minute.

568. "Um!"

569. Did I do that alright?

570. - Ah well.

571. - Wow, I can't even remember that.

572. - And hysterical,

573. and not a drop—

574. - Did it cause any problems? - Not a drop

575. of liquor in ya.

576. - Well, that was a rare night, then.

577. - Yeah.

578. Your father - Yes.

579. - Had something to do with turkeys.

580. - Right. - I was told.

581. A little birdie told me.

582. - He was a manufacturer

583. of turkey coops.

584. - Now can you explain to the folks at home

585. what a turkey coop is?

586. - It's basically

587. it's a

588. 146

589. compartments

590. on a 40-foot trailer

591. that you load turkeys into,

592. to take them from the grow out barns

593. to, basically, the processing plant

594. which is the slaughterhouse.

595. So my dad, we didn't deal with birds,

596. we just built the cages that

597. transported the turkeys

598. from farm

599. to

600. process.

601. - Isn't it interesting?

602. - Mmm.

603. - When you hear a job you've never heard of

604. and yet, it's the job that.

605. - That makes

606. bread and wine for

607. a family of, what, seven?

608. - Ah, eight.

609. Six kids.

610. - Six kids.

611. - Yeah, with the parents.

612. I started working for my dad when I was seven.

613. - Really?

614. - Yeah, he'd have us out there.

615. And he probably started work for his dad when he was four,

616. and they had a milk farm.

617. - Four.

618. - Yeah.

619. They had milk cows.

620. So they were workers.

621. Catholics are good workers.

622. I'll tell ya that.

623. So, yeah my brother still has,

624. if you ever see turkey coops going down the road,

625. if you see birds going down the road,

626. most likely came from Tipton, Missouri

627. those crates.

628. - That's where you're from, Missouri.

629. - Yeah.

630. - Mark Twain country.

631. - Two fathoms here.

632. - Say again now.

633. Is that a Mark Twain quote?

634. - That's what Mark Twain,

635. mark two.

636. Mark Twain.

637. - Oh, now, that's where the—

638. - Mark Twain!

639. - That's where the word Mark Twain came from.

640. - Got it. - On the riverboat.

641. - Two fathoms here.

642. - Yes sir.

643. You know his real name?

644. - Samuel. - Ellen Cleghorne.

645. - No, I don't think that.

646. - It's something like that, right?

647. - He had it.

648. - He had it.

649. - Sam Clemens.

650. - Samuel Clemens.

651. Do you like, do you ever read

652. any of his work?

653. - Mark Twain?

654. - Yeah. - Yeah.

655. It's, in the United States

656. it's required reading

657. in grade school.

658. - Well, sir, my son went to a school

659. here in

660. Los Angeles, California.

661. And I don't like when they teach

662. great writer's

663. minor work, you know,

664. they should teach him the best work, right?

665. - Yep.

666. - So I went to the teacher, I said,

667. "Why are you teaching my son

668. "Tom Sawyer

669. "when

670. "Huckleberry Finn—"

671. - Life on the Mississippi—

672. - "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

673. "drawing dust

674. "on the shelf behind you?"

675. "Oh, oh, it's because

676. "it's racist."

677. It's racist?

678. It's the least racist book ever.

679. It's anti-racist.

680. - Exactly.

681. - Goodness gracious.

682. The ignorance of people.

683. - Well, what happened to the rest of the story?

684. That was it, she

685. said, "We can't

686. "do that," and that's it?

687. - She said, "The next thing we're going to do is,

688. "we're gonna study Toni Morrison

689. "and she's rad."

690. - Wow.

691. - This is a private school

692. that I'm paying a lot of money for.

693. - Yeah, I get ya.

694. - You have five children.

695. - I do.

696. - And how

697. just supporting them,

698. how does that happen?

699. No I have one, and it's crazy.

700. - I work in show business.

701. - And you make a lot of money.

702. - I have consistent work.

703. So, that's how.

704. Yeah, and I haven't consistent retirement

705. payments yet, but.

706. - You never stop working,

707. well that might be a blessing.

708. - I won't stop working.

709. - You're gonna retire?

710. - No.

711. I won't retire. - And ah

712. as Nixon said, "Drink too little,

713. "think too much."

714. - Is that a Nixon quote?

715. - Yeah, yeah.

716. Well, he said, the unhappiest people he knew.

717. - Oh, that makes sense.

718. - He said, "People think it's wonderful to get a car,

719. "and if you had two cars,

720. "wouldn't it be wonderful if you had a golf membership.

721. "Well, wouldn't that be the greatest thing ever?

722. "But for those of us that know,

723. "the unhappiest people I know are the ones that

724. "drink too little,

725. "I mean drink too much,

726. "think too little,

727. "play too much bridge."

728. Anyways, we're straying.

729. - What's that from?

730. Is that from a David Frost interview?

731. - Yes, this is from a David Frost interview.

732. - That's a pretty good Nixon.

733. - What is your favorite project you've ever worked on?

734. - This.

735. - I mean on what?

736. - I wanna talk about Del Close.

737. - Favorite project I've ever worked on.

738. There's tons.

739. There's tons of 'em.

740. Recent one on this is not just a—

741. - So you don't understand the word "favorite"?

742. - Wow.

743. Is this called Norm's hotbox today?

744. - You're right.

745. - No, that's fine.

746. - You're right, I feel like the guy that

747. threw Cool Hand Luke into the—

748. - Into the box.

749. - Yeah.

750. - I'm just tryin' to do my job.

751. - Come on.

752. - What was the last thing you,

753. that just came out?

754. - Cheap Thrills.

755. - Yeah, I wanna hear about that.

756. - I wanted to hear about it

757. 'cause I brought it up

758. in the makeup room.

759. - Yeah, but I brought it up in the hallway.

760. - Did he?

761. Who brought it up first?

762. - You're the host.

763. - No, but I thought I brought it up first.

764. - The host is always right. - You did.

765. - Okay, let's hear about Cheap Thrills.

766. - Cheap Thrills.

767. It is a sinister thriller

768. with dark, comedic undertones.

769. - Yeah.

770. - That's how I describe—

771. - And usually dark comedy is awful.

772. - You know, the thing is,

773. I don't describe it as a dark comedy

774. 'cause you don't want to go in this movie

775. thinking it's a comedy.

776. It's a thriller.

777. And there's some stuff that's funny.

778. When we were making it, I didn't think there was gonna be

779. more than one or two laughs.

780. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

781. - And, I've watched it with audiences,

782. and they're laughing the whole way through.

783. I think because it's so intense,

784. they need a release.

785. And remind themselves that they're not in the picture,

786. they wouldn't do these things.

787. Myself and Sara Paxton

788. play a wealthy couple,

789. and we lure these two guys who are down on their luck.

790. This is getting back to your boxing metaphor.

791. Who are down on their luck,

792. and we have them play these games for money,

793. and the games get more and more nefarious

794. as the evening goes along.

795. - Yes.

796. - So it's really intense.

797. - Sounds like an Agatha Christie kind of a.

798. - No, it's not a whodunit.

799. If that's what you're getting to.

800. But

801. I loved doing the picture.

802. We shot it in 14 days, in 2012.

803. - Now when you say "picture"

804. you're talkin' about a motion picture, a film?

805. - Yeah.

806. Motion picture.

807. A movie picture.

808. And we shot it in 14 days, it felt like doing a play.

809. Everyone's really good in it.

810. Pat Healy, Sara Paxton, Ethan Embry,

811. and it felt like there was like

812. you didn't even have to act, because

813. they were giving you so much.

814. It's one of those rare moments.

815. I told them, I said,

816. "This is, something special's going on here."

817. I said that the second day 'cause it really felt

818. really unique.

819. - It's on DVD.

820. It's called Cheap Thrills. - Cheap Thrills.

821. - And I read,

822. I go on MRQE,

823. which is Movie Review

824. Quest Engine, or some fucking thing,

825. but it tells every review of a movie, if you ever want.

826. It's very interesting.

827. - Uh-huh.

828. - I do it after I see a movie to—

829. - That's interesting. - To see if I

830. missed something.

831. But anyways, MRQE

832. everybody loves this movie!

833. Cheap Thrills. - It's good.

834. - And it's on DVD.

835. - Yep.

836. - And it's got the

837. inestimable

838. David Koechner

839. in it.

840. - Ah, favorite movie— - And three estimable

841. characters. - One of my favorite

842. early projects I worked on was a little film,

843. tell me, Norm, if you remember this one.

844. - Yes, sir. - Dirty Work.

845. - Oh yes.

846. - We'll be back. - You know, everyone

847. that meets you. - In a moment.

848. - Does an impression of you. - What?

849. - You're one of those guys that

850. you make such an impression on people that

851. everyone that meets you does a Norm Macdonald.

852. - I don't care for any of those impressions, by the way.

853. You know they say impressions are

854. the highest form of flattery.

855. - Uh-huh.

856. - Well, no, they say it's the highest form of

857. flattery, yeah.

858. Anyways, imitation is the highest form of flattery.

859. - Yes.

860. - Anyways, this is what I get.

861. I do a perfect year.

862. I go out and let's hear it,

863. "Hey, how ya doin', heh?"

864. I can do an impression of myself.

865. "Hey, what's goin' on, heh, heh."

866. That's surprising?

867. - I've never heard you say,

868. "Hey, what's goin' on."

869. - "Hey, what's goin' on." - That sounds like you

870. doing an impression of

871. doing an impression of you.

872. - Heh.

873. - Alright, we're gonna be right back.

874. - After this.

875. We are back with

876. the only

877. David Koechner.

878. And in the break we were talking

879. and you told us a fascinating

880. little

881. tidbit of trivia

882. about the origins of the

883. expression "break a leg".

884. Share that with us.

885. - Should we recount it?

886. Well, it's from Shakespeare's time.

887. - Shakespeare.

888. - And at that time, we were talking about,

889. in Shakespeare, he often recaps

890. and recounts the plot at the top of an act.

891. That's because crowds would come in and out.

892. They'd leave.

893. They'd come and go, so you wanna catch them up.

894. And then oftentimes crowds would just

895. not stay for the end of the play,

896. or they might stop it in progress,

897. not Shakespeare's necessarily but

898. plays of that time.

899. People would, you know, show their

900. distaste for a play, and they'd stop the play

901. or whatever.

902. So—

903. - "Boo!" - Yes.

904. - "Too many witches!"

905. - And then they can't go on, exactly.

906. And so they'd say "break a leg"

907. because that means if you break a leg

908. you're bowing, you're only moving your back.

909. - Stand up, show the crowd,

910. and the folks at home.

911. - Break a leg.

912. Right, take a bow.

913. - Yes.

914. - You break a leg to take a bow,

915. and so that's basically goes,

916. "I hope you get to the end of the play."

917. - Yes. - Yep.

918. - Wonderful. - So, break a leg.

919. - It's a piece of trivia that's actually interesting.

920. - That's true.

921. - Yeah.

922. Now, were you gonna tell the Willie Nelson joke?

923. How did we get to that?

924. - Well, you said, we were talkin' about jokes

925. and you said Daniel Kellison, our producer,

926. said a joke about

927. well, it doesn't matter.

928. The Willie Nelson joke,

929. which many people know.

930. I told it to a very smart guy

931. 'cause I was just discussing with you

932. why

933. smart guys,

934. super smart guys

935. generally don't have a great sense of humor,

936. and it's hard to understand why they don't.

937. But, this might be why.

938. I told the Willie Nelson joke

939. to a very, very smart guy,

940. one of the smartest guys in the world,

941. and he just looked at me.

942. And so this is what happened.

943. So I'll tell the joke.

944. So the joke, as you know,

945. a guy's, okay, well you be,

946. I'll tell ya what, you be,

947. I'll be the smart guy.

948. - Okay. - You tell me the joke.

949. - You tell the joke.

950. - No, I'll be the smart guy

951. 'cause I'll explain why I didn't—

952. - Oh, why you didn't get the joke.

953. - Yeah.

954. - What words do you not wanna hear

955. after you just finished blowing Willie Nelson?

956. - I don't know, what?

957. - I'm not Willie Nelson.

958. That's the reaction the guy gave you?

959. - That doesn't make any sense.

960. - Well, yeah, 'cause you're,

961. the only reason you're,

962. well one of the reasons, I guess, you might

963. blow Willie Nelson, is because you're hoping

964. to get a backstage pass, or curry favor from him,

965. but then you mistakenly didn't blow the guy you wanted.

966. - No, no, no.

967. It doesn't make any sense, because you begin the joke

968. saying, "What do you not want to hear

969. "while blowing, while getting blown by Willie Nelson."

970. - No, it's not

971. "while you're getting blown."

972. - What's the first sentence?

973. - The way it was told to me.

974. - First sentence of the joke.

975. - Yes.

976. "What words do you not wanna hear

977. "after you finish blowing Willie Nelson?"

978. - Yes, but you were never blowing Willie Nelson.

979. - That's what this guy would say?

980. - Yeah.

981. That's the illogic that he had problems with.

982. "But you were never blowing Willie Nelson,

983. "so you lied in the first part of the thing."

984. - He's right!

985. - "So you couldn't possibly hear that from him

986. "because that would be Willie Nelson speaking."

987. - But, I know but it wouldn't be Willie Nelson

988. because the guy said he was Willie Nelson.

989. - You would have to say, "When you thought

990. "you were getting

991. "blown by Willie Nelson." - Yes.

992. - So anyways,

993. that's

994. some guys are so smart—

995. Do you like questions from the Twitterverse?

996. - Sure.

997. - Well, I have a Twitter following as you know,

998. 'cause I talk to your wife, Leigh, often on it.

999. - Mmm-hmm.

1000. - And, uh, - I will often—

1001. - And you come in sometimes.

1002. - I'll get in there.

1003. - You came in when I

1004. attacked Bret Easton Ellis

1005. for so savagely attacking

1006. the patron saint of Canada, Alice Munro,

1007. the greatest writer alive.

1008. You know, savaged by this American philistine.

1009. Anyways, you stepped in, and—

1010. - I stepped in.

1011. Said, "Hey, hey, separate.

1012. "Now get back in it."

1013. - Could you imagine.

1014. - She was, was she the Nobel—

1015. - Good god, she won the Nobel Prize this year

1016. deservedly, and Bret Easton Ellis,

1017. "Oh, she's not, she's overrated."

1018. Anyways.

1019. It would be like Beatle mania,

1020. saying The Beatles are overrated.

1021. - Right.

1022. - This guy, Peeweesherman300 is his name.

1023. He says, "In a few words, tell us

1024. "why Second City is so much better

1025. "than the Groundlings or Upright Citizens Brigade."

1026. - Is it?

1027. - That's what he thinks.

1028. - He said, "Tell me why it is?"

1029. - Yeah.

1030. - I keep getting put into this situation,

1031. "Here is your argument, you must defend."

1032. The thing is, I didn't make that statement—

1033. - Upright Citizen Brigade and The Groundlings

1034. never had Del Close.

1035. - Right, well I will say this.

1036. - Tell us about Del Close.

1037. - Improv Olympics were Del Close is from.

1038. But I will say this, in response to this.

1039. I think the UCB is the most important comedy

1040. theater in the country.

1041. Hands down.

1042. Right now

1043. the most important current figures in comedy

1044. are coming from the UCB.

1045. It's the newest incubator.

1046. Although, I know that a lot of people

1047. came from Second City for the last

1048. round of hires at

1049. Saturday Night Live.

1050. But anyway.

1051. - For the last 30 years.

1052. - Sure.

1053. But a lot of those people had studied other places.

1054. Not taking anything away from Second City.

1055. It's a great— - So you and I are

1056. gonna talk about Del Close.

1057. - I'll talk about Del.

1058. You wanna answer this question or talk about Del?

1059. I'll talk about Del.

1060. Del was one of the original or the early members

1061. of The Second City,

1062. back in the 50s.

1063. And then he did some work in television.

1064. I think he had done a Get Smart early on,

1065. and then he started doing a lot of drugs.

1066. Oh, he wrote,

1067. "wrote".

1068. He, of course he would have written it first,

1069. but he recorded a comedy album called

1070. How to Speak Hip.

1071. It was really

1072. interesting, 'cause— - You've heard it?

1073. - Things do date themselves.

1074. - You've heard that?

1075. - Yeah, so he was

1076. a multi-talented actor,

1077. comic, all this stuff,

1078. he once did light shows for the Grateful Dead.

1079. He hanging out with a lot of interesting figures.

1080. And then late, then he got a drug problem for years,

1081. and then later in life he needed income

1082. so a woman named Charna Halpern hired him to teach

1083. at her

1084. school and theater, called the ImprovOlympic.

1085. Now it's just called the IO, 'cause she was in a

1086. embroiled in a legal battle with the Olympics

1087. for years, so now she's just calling it the IO.

1088. So, Del worked there, started teaching,

1089. and I had the great fortune of studying with Del.

1090. And Del has influenced people from

1091. as far back as Bill Murray

1092. through my generation,

1093. like Chris Farley,

1094. Adam McKay,

1095. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler,

1096. Horatio Sanz, Rachel Dratch, all those people

1097. had studied with Del.

1098. He was a remarkable teacher.

1099. Because he basically, you know,

1100. treated comedy like a religion, in my opinion.

1101. It's like, this is as important

1102. as drama or anything else, so you need to have

1103. as much respect for your comedy

1104. as you do for what you might, you know,

1105. for a major drama, stuff like that.

1106. But he'd teach improvisation

1107. and he always had an interesting way of looking at it,

1108. whether it's, you know, studying Greek gods and

1109. the first time I'd heard about Joe Campbell,

1110. Hero with a Thousand Faces.

1111. He had a long suggested reading list,

1112. a bunch of psychology books, stuff like that.

1113. And he'd also work with archetypes,

1114. like, you know, you can never be

1115. onstage empty, because if you take on an archetype,

1116. whether it's, whatever, wind, fire, earth,

1117. let's say the as an archetype,

1118. or a personality as an archetype,

1119. you can always have something to talk about onstage.

1120. And, another thing I got from it,

1121. if you took a property from anything,

1122. and animated that property inside you,

1123. you could always have something to do.

1124. Like if you said "mug", what does "mug" mean to you.

1125. What is, order its properties.

1126. Can you tell me some of the properties

1127. a mug might have, Norm?

1128. I've lost him, I think he's asleep.

1129. - No, no, no, no, I can tell you what properties

1130. a mug might have, but I think you might be interested

1131. in the fact that this guy used to jerk off punks

1132. under the Queensborough Bridge

1133. for 15 dollars a man.

1134. - Are you sure they were punks?

1135. Ah, how did we get there?

1136. So.

1137. - I would say a mug is

1138. hard.

1139. - Hard, okay, so.

1140. - Oh, I see what he did there.

1141. - So you could.

1142. - I get it.

1143. - I would say it's, - No, it's 'cause

1144. - It's a vessel. - Yes, it's, right.

1145. - Well, so you'd play that property onstage.

1146. You're improvising— - It's emptiness.

1147. - Oh, so, empty, you'd play an empty.

1148. - I would play empty.

1149. - You'd play empty.

1150. You could play hard.

1151. You could play porcelain.

1152. You could play something shattered,

1153. whatever you wanna take, so in improvisation

1154. you get a suggestion.

1155. - Can I play one of the deadly sins?

1156. - Yes.

1157. You'd let that inform what you're going to do,

1158. for instance.

1159. Pick one of the, your favorite deadly sins.

1160. - Well, - Gluttony.

1161. - I remember one time,

1162. a preacher that I used to know when I was a young boy

1163. and he said, I was drivin' his bicycle,

1164. you know, here and there and here again.

1165. I was drivin' his bicycle.

1166. - What's going on?

1167. - I was gonna tell ya a story.

1168. - I know, but.

1169. - It has to do with this.

1170. - Okay.

1171. - And, he was a good man,

1172. pious man,

1173. and one day

1174. his bicycle went missin'

1175. so

1176. ma daddy

1177. said to him, "Burt," that was his name,

1178. we weren't Catholic, you know, he used to call him

1179. the preacher by his first name,

1180. "Burt,

1181. "I think I know how to find out

1182. "who stole your bicycle."

1183. "How would I do it?"

1184. "When you're,

1185. "talkin'

1186. "when you're doin' yer sermon next week

1187. "you just go through the Ten Commandments.

1188. "You just go through the Ten Commandments

1189. "from one to 10,

1190. "and when you hit number eight,

1191. "Thou shalt not steal,

1192. "you look at the congregation,

1193. "and you'll see somebody,

1194. "see doin' this here, you know,

1195. "fiddlin' with his glasses,

1196. "that's your thief."

1197. "I'll do it," Burt says.

1198. So my daddy told me that story

1199. and I was, boy I was,

1200. I really hankering to see that

1201. speech that

1202. Burt was gonna,

1203. gonna say that day.

1204. So he goes through the Ten Commandments.

1205. Starts from one right down to 10, now he gets to eight

1206. and speeds right through it.

1207. Speeds right through eight.

1208. My daddy said, "What the hell?"

1209. So, afterwards he get outside,

1210. "Burt, what in Earth happened?

1211. "Number eight was the one you were supposed to

1212. "go, you know, supposed to,

1213. "why'd you speed through it?"

1214. Burt says, "Well, I tell ya why.

1215. "When I came to

1216. "number seven,

1217. "in the Ten Commandments,

1218. "thou shall not commit adultery,

1219. "by golly I remember where I might,

1220. "I put my bike."

1221. He was fucking Widow McClanahan.

1222. - Then it's not adultery.

1223. She's a widow.

1224. - No, but he's a man of the cloth.

1225. - Oh, he's a Catholic.

1226. He's a priest.

1227. - No, he's a reverend,

1228. but we have our, you know.

1229. - So that's how we got there from

1230. the seven deadly sins.

1231. Okay, okay. - Yeah, so that's where

1232. I would inform myself, I would take,

1233. I'm trying, I was trying to take you,

1234. - You would tell a joke.

1235. - I would take lust.

1236. - Yeah.

1237. - Because that's what I had most for,

1238. lust for power,

1239. lust for money,

1240. lust for your glasses,

1241. lust for your hat.

1242. - You can play— - Now that doesn't mean

1243. I wanna, for him, that doesn't mean

1244. I wanna fuck yer hat.

1245. - No, no, no, you don't have to announce it,

1246. just— - Lust doesn't mean you

1247. just wanna fuck something.

1248. - Sure. - You could covet it.

1249. - What does lust mean?

1250. - You could covet something.

1251. - Covet. - Yeah, covet.

1252. - Well, that's not it, but

1253. nice try. - I think that's

1254. part of it, for sure.

1255. I have lust for a lot of things.

1256. - There's covetousness in lust, you're right.

1257. - Okay, thank you.

1258. I've finally scored a point, I feel like,

1259. on the show. - So would you ever

1260. do that, just take in the back of your mind,

1261. - Yes. - And just talk a regular

1262. conversation, but in the back of your mind,

1263. you have, you're coveting something.

1264. - It gives you an intention.

1265. I can't remember if I've ever used "covet",

1266. but it gives you, - Or "lust".

1267. - An intention to play, 'cause in improvisation

1268. you're always, you know,

1269. you don't have script. - No, I know.

1270. - All you have to do is listen to what

1271. the other person said, but it gives you a point of view.

1272. So it helps drive the scene forward.

1273. - Uh-huh.

1274. - It's like having a secret.

1275. - Would you suggest this for any actor,

1276. improvisational classes?

1277. - Oh, sure. - Yeah.

1278. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1279. - I think that's wonderful.

1280. - Good stage muscle. - Yeah.

1281. - Yeah.

1282. - Yeah, 'cause I did stand-up

1283. and it's kinda the opposite, you know.

1284. Yeah, I mean, you're talkin' to the audience.

1285. You don't have anybody to talk to,

1286. you kinda have the audience,

1287. you're just keeping them at bay,

1288. you know what I mean.

1289. - You don't feel like you're in communion

1290. with the audience when you're doin' stand-up?

1291. - Well, now I do, 'cause I just speak to the audience

1292. but before that, no, it's, you know.

1293. I mean if you do it, a Second City show,

1294. and three minutes, four minutes,

1295. go by without a laugh, that's okay.

1296. Onstage doin' stand-up, that ain't okay.

1297. - Not okay, unless you're telling

1298. a really interesting story.

1299. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Or, a nice joke about

1300. a preacher.

1301. - God damn, who doesn't like them preachers.

1302. - You've got quite a stack of cards.

1303. Are we gonna get through all these?

1304. - Well, yeah.

1305. - "Oh yeah."

1306. He got very Canadian all of a sudden, alright.

1307. - I did not know you loved Creedence Clearwater so much.

1308. Is that just in there?

1309. - That's just in there. - Oh, okay.

1310. - In Wikipedia.

1311. Look, I love Creedence, but it's not to me like

1312. they're the greatest thing in my life.

1313. - Well, what I read, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop,

1314. Uncle Tupelo, are those some?

1315. - Yeah, sure, sure.

1316. - I mean you obviously

1317. - Big fan of Wilco. - Have impeccable taste

1318. in music. - Thank you, sir.

1319. - Did you get to see The Replacements reunion?

1320. - I didn't see the reunion, I saw the—

1321. - Had you seen them before?

1322. - No, they haven't come, oh yeah.

1323. - Ah. - Love The Replacements.

1324. - Very jealous.

1325. - I saw their last show in Chicago,

1326. before the, when they broke up,

1327. you know, the original time.

1328. Their last show, the tickets were sold out,

1329. so I had this harebrained idea.

1330. - Why are you usin' that funny voice?

1331. - I'm tryin' to be like Norm.

1332. - It's funny when you say The Replacements

1333. because there was a band,

1334. right before The Replacements,

1335. that were called,

1336. The Guys Who Never Fucking Thought They'd Be Replaced.

1337. And their career just plummeted while

1338. The Replacements went up.

1339. - Yeah.

1340. Well they never were as popular as they shoulda been.

1341. in my opinion.

1342. - Absolutely, no.

1343. - They're one of the greatest bands ever.

1344. - Chrissie Hyndes.

1345. - Nope.

1346. - Great voice, though.

1347. - What are you talking about?

1348. - Christie Hyndes had a great voice.

1349. - Yes, but has nothing to do with The Replacements.

1350. - Was I not sexist?

1351. I'm trying to bring a lady into the conversation.

1352. - I don't know what's going on again.

1353. - I think women are hilarious.

1354. - Paul Westerberg.

1355. I do, too.

1356. - Haven't brought a what up?

1357. - Well, as a funny,

1358. I think women are really, really funny.

1359. - What does this have to do with The Replacements?

1360. - He's trying to goad me into,

1361. bait me into another argument.

1362. - Exactly.

1363. - No, 'cause you're— - Why do I have to

1364. take this side that I don't want to take?

1365. - 'Cause you're a comedy expert and all of a sudden

1366. - I'm not a comedy expert.

1367. - You're Kurt Loder.

1368. I wanna hear about comedy and I think

1369. women are funny, and I'm tired.

1370. - As do I.

1371. - You do think women are funny?

1372. - Yes.

1373. - The Replacements were one of the only two bands

1374. banned from Saturday Night Live.

1375. - Were they?

1376. - Yeah, I believe so.

1377. - I didn't know that.

1378. Anyway,

1379. the tickets were sold out,

1380. I had a harebrained idea.

1381. I called and said I was with

1382. a radio station - You had a harebrained

1383. idea.

1384. Take off your hat and say that.

1385. Yeah, baby.

1386. - Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,

1387. bbbaaaaaaabbbbbbbbyyyyyyy, buh.

1388. Do you know what girning is?

1389. We're gonna talk in a second.

1390. - I know what girning is.

1391. - We're gonna take a break.

1392. - I know what girning is.

1393. - Annie O. Wants us to take a break.

1394. I called the venue and said

1395. I'm with a radio station,

1396. out of Columbia, Missouri, and I got press passes.

1397. - Oh that's amazing.

1398. - Right up front.

1399. - That's amazing.

1400. - It's easy to get press passes if you're

1401. from a small place.

1402. - Yeah, yeah it doesn't happen anymore.

1403. That would never happen.

1404. We'll be right back.

1405. Annie O. is putting us on a break,

1406. and then we'll come back and we'll

1407. discuss girning, unless you want

1408. to get to your stack of cards.

1409. - Well.

1410. - This might be a fake stack of cards.

1411. - No, no, they're jokes.

1412. - Okay.

1413. - Wanna do some jokes?

1414. - We gotta take a break.

1415. - After the break, jokes with David Koechner.

1416. - And some discussions of girning.

1417. - We have returned and

1418. by "we" I mean my trusty sidekick, Adam Eget,

1419. who you will see

1420. to the 'twixt

1421. of my left shoulder.

1422. In front of me,

1423. sits none other,

1424. when did you start the hat?

1425. I love it.

1426. - Ah, I started getting a little bit of

1427. pre-cancers on my head.

1428. - Good god, Christ almighty.

1429. I thought it would be a nice, fun little thing.

1430. Okay.

1431. - This is a way, it also protects the ears.

1432. - Yeah, that too.

1433. - I'm sorry my answer didn't please you.

1434. - No, I know. - Now am I a 'twixt or 'tween?

1435. - Would you like a joke?

1436. - I would love a joke.

1437. - This is where we tell it.

1438. But before we do jokes. - We're gonna do

1439. girning or not? - Hey, somebody

1440. has to pay.

1441. Tell us about the five—

1442. - Points of comedy? - Five points of comedy.

1443. - You know what, actually Dave Allen Gruber,

1444. Dave Gruber Allen. - Dave Allen.

1445. - Dave Allen, of The Higgins Boys and Gruber.

1446. - Who you might know as the Naked Trucker.

1447. - Naked Trucker, one time we were out doing a movie

1448. on the road, and—

1449. - Dill Scallion? - Dill Scallion,

1450. you're good.

1451. And we went to a Charlie Daniels concert.

1452. - That's 'cause I'm a fan, I don't research.

1453. - Nice.

1454. And Charlie Daniels had five points of integrity.

1455. - Five points of integrity, really.

1456. - Yeah, about music or somethin' like that,

1457. it was kinda crazy, but, so Dave and I

1458. made up five points of,

1459. comedy's five points of integrity.

1460. And one of them, I remember being girning.

1461. Like, you can get it in,

1462. the things you must have in your tool bag for comedy.

1463. - Yeah. - Right.

1464. You know what girning is? - I know what

1465. what girning is.

1466. - And you wanna tell Adam E. what girning is?

1467. - Why don't you tell the folks at home.

1468. - It's the masterful art of face contortions.

1469. - Ah.

1470. - Reh.

1471. Some people can girn really well.

1472. You take your bottom lip right.

1473. Daaah.

1474. That'd be girning.

1475. It's a lost art.

1476. - Yeah, there's a lot of lost arts in comedy.

1477. - You should do a baaayyy.

1478. That'd be some girning right there.

1479. - Skeletonesh, skeletonesh.

1480. - Yes, Norm was describing—

1481. - Those are the ones that,

1482. those are the folks that survive the ages,

1483. I think. - You're right.

1484. - Physical comedians.

1485. - Good, look.

1486. - Any physical comedy.

1487. - I'm with you.

1488. - What verbal comedy, you know,

1489. even Mark Twain,

1490. the funniest man ever to put pen to paper.

1491. - Two fathoms here, go ahead.

1492. - Not, it doesn't translate as well

1493. as Chaplin or Keaton,

1494. who did brilliant physical comedy.

1495. You hear a joke once, do you wanna hear it 10 times?

1496. - No.

1497. - But, if you see a guy runnin' down a hill

1498. with a million boulders chasin' him,

1499. that you can watch forever.

1500. - Lord of the Flies.

1501. - Yeah.

1502. - Let's get Piggy.

1503. - We gotta do a commercial,

1504. let's get Piggy, right.

1505. Simon, ooo, he was the good guy.

1506. Everybody loves Simon.

1507. Everybody loves the Christ figures.

1508. Never understood it.

1509. - I was so hoping we'd get to religion

1510. on today's show.

1511. - Are those reading glasses? - They are.

1512. - Look how close they are to my glasses.

1513. - I know, very close.

1514. Where do you get yours?

1515. - These are not reading glasses,

1516. these are real ones. - Oh they're not.

1517. - But let's, change glasses. - So your choice is to

1518. spend a lot of money on that.

1519. Ah, these are, you have a stronger prescription

1520. than I do.

1521. And a larger, uh,

1522. cabeza. - I got a big noggin.

1523. I will bet ya it is.

1524. I bet that hat's small on me.

1525. - Yeah, I have a small head.

1526. - Let's check it out.

1527. - Hey, but not just up here.

1528. - Yeah, I know.

1529. What?

1530. - How would you know.

1531. - The head of your cock.

1532. Now check this out.

1533. - Burt.

1534. Now do a little bit of hat work.

1535. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, buuuuh.

1536. Adorable.

1537. Now that's something that no one's going to remember

1538. anything in this interview, except our hat work.

1539. - When you were a boy, did you love physical comics?

1540. - I loved the Marx Brothers better,

1541. more than I did The Three Stooges.

1542. - Oh you did?

1543. - Yeah. - Hmm.

1544. I didn't like the Marx Brothers.

1545. - There's a.

1546. - It's just an earthquake.

1547. - That's not an earthquake, it's a car

1548. rolling by with a lot of bass.

1549. Let's get to our next topic.

1550. - Okay.

1551. Ah, they're jokes, would you like to read one?

1552. - I would be

1553. honored. - This is a joke,

1554. David Koechner, that is ripped

1555. from today's headlines, yesterday's headlines.

1556. - Alright.

1557. - The World Cup.

1558. World Cup fever.

1559. - Yes. - Get some amoxicillin.

1560. - Ah, makes sense.

1561. The World Cup has arrived, so if you're wondering

1562. why your local bar smells, it's because

1563. all of the dirty foreigners.

1564. Dirty foreigners.

1565. Let me try that again.

1566. Hey, Norm? - Yeah?

1567. - Yeah, the World Cup's goin' on.

1568. - Yeah, yeah.

1569. - Hey, you go to the local bar there, don't ya?

1570. - Yeah.

1571. - Local watering hole? — Yeah, yeah, sure.

1572. - Yeah.

1573. Do ya ever wonder why it smells so much?

1574. - Yeah.

1575. - Hey, 'cause those dirty foreigners.

1576. - Oh.

1577. Frank Gorshin right here. - Jingoism is alive

1578. and well, here on NM Live. - Yes.

1579. - Next one. - Know what jingoism is?

1580. - Ah, yeah, I believe so.

1581. - What does it mean?

1582. - Ah, it's hard to put into words, but—

1583. - It's hard to put into words?

1584. - It's like, um,

1585. it's not like nationalism, but it's ah.

1586. - It is very much like nationalism.

1587. - It's hard to. - It is nationalism.

1588. - It's prejudice against

1589. - I'm gonna let you read this.

1590. - Others.

1591. - I thought it was more complicated.

1592. - Would you like to read that? - Yeah.

1593. This week, I learned— - Oh, this week

1594. I learned, I'm sorry.

1595. Have you ever heard of TYIL, This Week I Learned?

1596. - I have not.

1597. - Well, it's sweeping the nation,

1598. it's hashtagging faster than,

1599. but it's called This Week I Learned.

1600. - Faster than something that moves quickly.

1601. - Yeah, like faster than a freight train.

1602. This Week I Learned, it's a TWIL,

1603. so check it out some time.

1604. It's hashtag, TWIL, and people talk about

1605. what they learned that week.

1606. - Well, let's see what one is.

1607. - So, This Week I Learned, by Adam Eget.

1608. - You're invited back to the comedy table.

1609. - These are always fun.

1610. This week I learned, just because

1611. I masturbated to that picture of a guy

1612. falling to his death on 9/11 doesn't mean

1613. I have to share it.

1614. - Well, you know what.

1615. - Now, this is,

1616. this is fine, this is fine for a fella

1617. that during 9/11, you know, was in

1618. Costa Rica partying with his friends.

1619. I was walkin' through the blood and the bones

1620. in a— - So you were put off

1621. by that show? - In Manhattan.

1622. A little bit.

1623. - I can't believe you wouldn't.

1624. - And I had to get a new pants,

1625. 'cause the blood and the bones.

1626. - Just now, or back then?

1627. - Back then, I was ankle-deep in blood and bones.

1628. - Ah, you went through the war, Norm.

1629. - Well, it was an attack on our country.

1630. A recent report stated that there are over—

1631. - You're Canadian. - 60, a recent report stated

1632. that there are over 65,

1633. active serial killers

1634. in the United States.

1635. What they don't know is,

1636. there's actually

1637. 66.

1638. That's just between you and me.

1639. - Yeah.

1640. - Oh Brides magazine's released a

1641. list of 11 ways to, well,

1642. do you wanna do this joke?

1643. - I'd love to be invited back to the comedy round table.

1644. Brides eh,

1645. Brides magazine released a list of 11 ways

1646. to be a terrible bride.

1647. They include, don't interfere with the wedding planner,

1648. don't lie about how much the wedding cost to your family,

1649. and coming in at number one,

1650. don't fuck your husband's best friends.

1651. - Ah, yeah, that's the worst.

1652. - More than one, I mean.

1653. - We end the show now, David Koechner,

1654. are you familiar with James Lipton

1655. on the Actors Studio?

1656. - I am familiar with him.

1657. - And you remember the end of the show, he will always ask,

1658. he will go, "These are 10 questions by,

1659. "some fucking guy."

1660. And they're famous questions, I guess,

1661. for dinner parties or something like that.

1662. I don't know where they came from.

1663. But you've seen this?

1664. - Sure.

1665. - So we decided, if it's good enough for James Lipton,

1666. - Jimmy. - Who is a pimp,

1667. then it's good enough for us.

1668. Did you not know James Lipton was a pimp?

1669. - No, I had no idea.

1670. - Yes, in France.

1671. I mean he said it.

1672. - Okay.

1673. - Look what I have in my hand.

1674. I had this in my hand the entire interview.

1675. - Today I learned two things.

1676. - Maybe there's a shelf down there.

1677. - Questions.

1678. - Alright.

1679. - So, the idea is they're the same questions

1680. for every guest.

1681. What

1682. I don't want, like that question.

1683. - He does not like the first question.

1684. You ask which—

1685. - What's your definition of a heaven?

1686. - This show.

1687. - Would you rather be murdered by a stranger

1688. or a loved one?

1689. - I guess a stranger, 'cause

1690. when you're murdered, you didn't ask me why,

1691. I chose it, but, usually that's

1692. they're worse if you know the loved one.

1693. - Up close and personal.

1694. - Well, no, a loved one usually it's a passion,

1695. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1696. And it's much, they can tell

1697. it's a much worse crime.

1698. - Yeah, why the extra 68th stab wounds?

1699. - Right. - Yeah I got ya.

1700. - Yeah, just, you know, yeah.

1701. - If you got to pick them,

1702. this is kind of interesting.

1703. - Mmm-hmm.

1704. - But if you got to choose them,

1705. and you may, what was your last words?

1706. What would you like your last words to be?

1707. - "God, I was good."

1708. - That would be very accurate.

1709. What's your favorite dessert, David Koechner?

1710. - Ah, probably a brownie with vanilla ice cream.

1711. - Oh, by golly. - A warm brownie.

1712. - Warm brownie.

1713. - Yeah, yeah.

1714. - Well, I got a lot of—

1715. - Who's your hero?

1716. - Who's my hero?

1717. Um,

1718. I don't really have a hero per se.

1719. - Don't have one, huh?

1720. - Well, I don't, there's not a person I hold up

1721. as like, "Wow that's my hero."

1722. - Yeah, never had a hero?

1723. - Well, no, I mean, you know comedy-wise

1724. I would say like the Marx Brothers or Monty Python.

1725. - Uh-huh.

1726. - Those guys.

1727. - Those guys are—

1728. - Dabney Coleman. - Dabney Coleman?

1729. - Dabney Coleman's awesome.

1730. - All good choices.

1731. - Ah, but a hero. - I like the troops.

1732. - How 'bout this? - Would you rather—

1733. - How 'bout this, I'll say this.

1734. My wife.

1735. - Your wife, yeah, yeah.

1736. That was good after five minutes.

1737. - We can edit it down. - This is a very good

1738. question. - Okay.

1739. - And you don't have to say this person by name

1740. or anything like that.

1741. But who has let you down the most in your life?

1742. Seriously, seriously.

1743. Take a moment.

1744. Not everything has to be funny, David.

1745. - It's the person you're looking at.

1746. - Oh.

1747. - Well, I think we all let ourselves down the most.

1748. No one else can let you down.

1749. That's your choice, you can't blame

1750. your failure or whatever on someone else.

1751. It's yourself.

1752. You've let yourself down.

1753. So it would be me. - What a beautiful

1754. answer that is.

1755. Taking responsibility completely.

1756. What was the, I'm not gonna as you

1757. what's your most embarrassing secret.

1758. Why would you tell me.

1759. If um,

1760. mmm.

1761. - That's the chair.

1762. My most embarrassing secret, I can't, I can't.

1763. I don't have any embarrassing secrets.

1764. - Do you eat at McDonald's?

1765. - I have eaten McDonald's before, yeah.

1766. - Do you like McDonald's?

1767. - On occasion.

1768. - How 'bout that pink stuff, the pink slime?

1769. - Ah, I don't know much about it, I mean

1770. it was reported widely in the news

1771. in the last year.

1772. - Yeah. - Uh-huh.

1773. I don't think it's only McDonald's that—

1774. - Oh, I don't think it is either.

1775. - It's a

1776. huge problem, is the

1777. amount of processing— - A huge problem is

1778. that I had a punk band named Pink Slime

1779. and we fucking lost our recording contract

1780. after the.

1781. - I like it.

1782. A larger issue is the amount of processed food

1783. we're all eating as Americans.

1784. - What is going on with that?

1785. - That's just a convenience.

1786. - Yeah, processed food, what is that?

1787. - Well, it's— - I've heard of it.

1788. - It's got preservatives in it

1789. - Yeah. - And a lot of salt.

1790. A lot of sodium.

1791. So, oftentimes a lot of high fructose corn syrup.

1792. - And what does it do to you?

1793. - Causes diabetes.

1794. - Well, that's terrible. - Hardening

1795. of the arteries.

1796. They're gonna amputate you're, uh, leg.

1797. - Mmm-hmm.

1798. Not always, sometimes you go blind.

1799. - Sometimes you go blind?

1800. - Yeah.

1801. - Sometimes both. - Mmm-hmm.

1802. - And then

1803. at least you can't see that you only have one leg.

1804. - You know what I like about this show?

1805. It's not afraid to take on the issues.

1806. Hard-hitting, with Norm Macdonald.

1807. - Do you eat well?

1808. - I try to.

1809. - You try your best.

1810. Do you eat whole grains?

1811. - Ah, well,

1812. I've tried to increase the amount of fruits

1813. and vegetables I eat.

1814. - Fruits and vegetables. - Fresh foods, yeah.

1815. Less processed foods.

1816. - You still slam back a few drinks?

1817. - Oh yeah.

1818. - Scotch.

1819. - I'll have scotch occasionally.

1820. - Bourbon.

1821. - Ah, I prefer scotch to bourbon these days.

1822. - I thought you were a scotch man.

1823. - But, I'm more of a beer drinker.

1824. IPAs.

1825. - Oh, IPAs.

1826. What's that, international pale ales?

1827. - Ah, it's India pale ale.

1828. - India pale ales. - Mmm-hmm.

1829. - What do you like to drink?

1830. Other than fucking jizz?

1831. I mean, what do you,

1832. what alcohol do you like to drink?

1833. - Glenlivet.

1834. - Glenlivet. - Scotch.

1835. - Yeah, that's a scotch. - That's a scotch.

1836. - That's what he just said.

1837. - Yep.

1838. Inches.

1839. Scotch inches.

1840. - Oh. - Oh.

1841. - That's the name of your band.

1842. - That's a good name.

1843. - Norm, is there anything we didn't get to today?

1844. If you don't mind, I'd like to plug

1845. Big Slick in Kansas City,

1846. next weekend.

1847. That's the, let's see,

1848. the 20th and 21st, I believe.

1849. It's a charity for the Children's Mercy Hospital

1850. there in Kansas City.

1851. You can donate online.

1852. Go to Big Slick, they have a CrowdRise campaign.

1853. And donate under my name, because we have a competition.

1854. Myself, Paul Rudd,

1855. Rob Riggle, Jason Sudeikis,

1856. and Eric Stonestreet.

1857. They're all from the Kansas City area.

1858. And also, the National Kidney Foundation.

1859. - Wait a minute, I put money into that.

1860. - You did?

1861. - Well I saw it on Twitter.

1862. - You did, good.

1863. - You put it on Twitter?

1864. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1865. - Oh, @DavidKoechner.

1866. Um also— - Tell the people

1867. what it's for.

1868. - Oh, Children's Mercy Hospital.

1869. In Kansas City.

1870. It's a fundraiser, they do every year.

1871. For the last five years.

1872. This will be the fifth one.

1873. And also, Komedy for Kidneys.

1874. The 25th or 26th,

1875. look it up.

1876. I'll post it, on Twitter.

1877. At the Laugh Factory.

1878. - Awesome. - With the great Bill Burr.

1879. Will be doing some

1880. comicals that night. - Oh yes, Bill Burr.

1881. - One of the best. - Fantastic.

1882. Oh, fantastic. - Have you got

1883. Bill Burr's show?

1884. - No. - You should

1885. love Bill. - But he's great, yes.

1886. - He's the best.

1887. - Funny, always funny.

1888. Incapable of being unfunny.

1889. - Yep, incredible.

1890. - Now let me ask you this.

1891. This is the question we always ask everybody.

1892. - Okay.

1893. - And no one has yet disappointed us.

1894. What is your favorite joke, that you've ever heard?

1895. - Oh,

1896. there's two of 'em.

1897. One is about a bear

1898. in the woods, that keeps getting shot.

1899. Do you know that one?

1900. Am I supposed to tell the joke?

1901. - Certainly. - Oh boy, okay.

1902. Alright.

1903. There's a guy, a hunter, goes out

1904. bear hunting, got a big rifle.

1905. He's out there for a little while,

1906. and he spots a bear,

1907. and he gets in its sight.

1908. Blam!

1909. Bear goes down.

1910. Guy goes running over hill and dale.

1911. He's looking around, there's no bear.

1912. And the bear gets, he feels these paws

1913. on his shoulders.

1914. The bear goes, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?

1915. "Coming in here, shootin' at me.

1916. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson."

1917. Then he

1918. drops the hunter's trousers and he,

1919. he rogers him rightly.

1920. - Oh, how roundly.

1921. - And, so the hunter was,

1922. you know, quite embarrassed and then

1923. he goes out and gets a bigger gun.

1924. And he goes to the same area,

1925. looking for that bear and he sees him.

1926. Blam!

1927. "I got him this time."

1928. Bear goes down, he goes runnin',

1929. lookin' for the bear.

1930. Feels these paws on his shoulders.

1931. He goes, "Un-fucking-believable.

1932. "You come into my woods, again,

1933. "And shoot at me.

1934. "You know, I'm gonna teach you another lesson."

1935. So he drops the hunter's

1936. trousers, and.

1937. - Once again.

1938. - Rogers him rightly.

1939. - Yes. - And roundly.

1940. Next week, hunter comes back with an elephant gun.

1941. And like, "I'm gonna finish this bear.

1942. "Once and for all."

1943. He waits, it's cold now.

1944. Sees the bear, blam!

1945. He's sure he's got him now. - He's got that bear.

1946. - He's got that bear.

1947. - I bet he does.

1948. - He go lookin' for that bear,

1949. no bear around.

1950. He feels those bear paws, on his shoulders,

1951. and the bear says to the hunter,

1952. "You don't come here for the huntin', do ya?"

1953. - He likes it.

1954. We like that joke.

1955. David Koechner,

1956. has been with us the entire hour.

1957. Good god, what a guy.