Norm Macdonald Live 2x8

1. - Tonight we speak for the full hour with Bob Saget,

2. a man who has been seminal in my career

3. at many different points.

4. This is a book he has written,

5. it's called Dirty Daddy,

6. we'll be speaking to him momentarily,

7. but first I will have a few words with

8. my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.

9. - Hi Norm.

10. - Why are you, why are you wearing a scarf?

11. - I've been bitten with the acting bug.

12. - You're acting?

13. - Yeah.

14. I think that some producer saw my work

15. that I've been doing here on the show,

16. and I've been cast in a film.

17. - You're in a film?

18. - Yes.

19. - A film?

20. - Yup.

21. - That's amazing.

22. Have you ever done any acting at all?

23. - Other than the work I've done here with you

24. on the Video Podcast Network,

25. this is my first real feature role.

26. - Well, this is incredible.

27. - It's a great opportunity.

28. I've just jumped in with both feet,

29. and I've just really immersed myself

30. in the acting world

31. and it's going pretty well.

32. - I've never seen a career with

33. so much propulsion behind it, my goodness.

34. - Well...

35. - You're the manager of the Comedy Store

36. - Yes.

37. - Then you come and you do a podcast

38. and then a producer sees you

39. and you're in a film.

40. - The producers told me that

41. they saw some raw talent.

42. And they put me to work almost immediately.

43. And I've just really taken to it.

44. And I actually brought a clip.

45. - Well, that's.

46. You brought a clip?

47. - I brought a clip.

48. I'd love to show it.

49. - That's incredible.

50. Yeah, sure.

51. We can share your clip.

52. - Well, let's roll the clip.

53. - Okay, let's take a look.

54. - Yes, oh, oh, right there.

55. Oh my god that's a huge.

56. Oh, right there!

57. Adam, you spineless little jellyfish,

58. that's where a clitoris is.

59. Oh right there.

60. Right there.

61. Adam, you might wanna watch this

62. and learn a thing or two.

63. - I'm watching.

64. - Oh this is great sex not with my husband.

65. - I don't know what that is,

66. what is that?

67. - Well, that's the latest film I've been working on.

68. It's called Cuckold Sessions #7.

69. I've done several.

70. I've done several since the break.

71. - Cuckold?

72. A cuckold is a man

73. whose wife is promiscuous to his face

74. and everybody knows it.

75. - Exactly, exactly.

76. In this particular scene—

77. - And this is a genre of film?

78. - Yeah, yeah, a very popular genre.

79. Like I said, I've done several of these.

80. - And you play the cuckold?

81. - I do, I do play the cuckold.

82. I've had a lot of success with this.

83. Again, they feel like they see some real raw talent in me.

84. I've been—

85. - This is hardcore pornography?

86. - Oh yeah, yeah, it's hardcore pornography,

87. but it's got a real following.

88. I was just recognized for an award

89. at the AVN awards

90. for best cuckold film.

91. And in this particular scene,

92. my wife is shaming me—

93. - Now who plays your wife?

94. - Oh, my actual wife.

95. - That's Debbie?

96. - Yeah.

97. You can't see with,

98. you can't see her entire face.

99. He's a pretty big guy.

100. - Wait a minute.

101. There's an African-American man

102. making love to your actual wife, Debbie?

103. - Yeah. - While you sit on the—

104. - Mandingo is his name.

105. - Mandingo? - Mandingo.

106. Hell of a guy, real nice guy.

107. - Nice guy? - Yeah, nice guy.

108. - So he has sex with your wife

109. and ridicules you as he's doing it?

110. - Exactly.

111. Well, it's all just, it's a film.

112. My motivation, you know,

113. I really get into the character.

114. I've noticed...

115. I take a lot of time to get to know the character

116. and really immerse myself in the role,

117. and think, how would I feel if my wife,

118. let's say, Debbie, for instance—

119. - Well, it is Debbie!

120. - Well, yes but I mean her character,

121. yes, it's Debbie— - Who does she play?

122. - Her name in this movie I believe is Ruby.

123. - That sounds a lot like Debbie.

124. - Yes, but it's just a film.

125. It's a film, Norm.

126. I mean, this, you know— - I understand,

127. - Citizen Kane was only

128. partially based on reality.

129. You know?

130. - But Citizen Kane didn't have—

131. - People are calling this

132. the Citizen Kane of cuckold genre, by the way.

133. Not to toot my own horn.

134. The words of AVN Monthly, not my own.

135. - Let's not blaspheme the name of Orson Welles

136. because Orson Welles you know, never had—

137. - Johnny Cock Hammer is the gentlemen who—

138. - What?

139. - Johnny Cock Hammer is the gentleman—

140. - Johnny Cock Hammer?

141. - Cock Hammer, it's two separate words.

142. But the gentleman that directed this film,

143. in the industry, they're referring to him

144. as the Orson Wells of the cuckold drama as well.

145. A real wonder.

146. - Now I was just over to your place

147. for a lovely dinner party.

148. - That was nice.

149. It was nice to have you.

150. We really appreciated that.

151. - It was just you, me, Debbie, and that—

152. - Mandingo.

153. - Yeah.

154. - Now I know is Mandingo.

155. I spent the whole time trying to talk about

156. 42, the movie 42.

157. I didn't know what to do.

158. But...

159. Was that other guy,

160. was that Johnny Cock Hammer?

161. - Yes, yes, yes, Johnny Cock Hammer.

162. The guy who brought the brie.

163. - That brie, - Delicious.

164. - Oh, suspicious.

165. - Well, I thought it was divine.

166. It paired well with the pinot noir, I thought.

167. - So you're gonna continue these?

168. - Oh most definitely.

169. They're calling me the Philip Seymour Hoffman

170. of the genre. - Wow.

171. Hopefully you'll meet the same end.

172. We'll be back with Bob Saget.

173. Our guest tonight for the full hour.

174. Bob Saget.

175. You know him.

176. But wait, isn't it on the other camera now?

177. What happened?

178. It didn't go to the other camera.

179. Oh I know, it's because,

180. is that red light always on?

181. Okay.

182. I thought it was gonna switch.

183. - No. - Okay.

184. - We had it all so we—

185. - Okay I'll start again.

186. Our guest today,

187. no wait a minute.

188. Let me start one more time.

189. - I'm just gonna shift my chair.

190. - Yeah, shift your chair. - That's so good.

191. - Are you okay? - Yeah my colostomy bag's

192. all fucked up.

193. You heard what happened to me, right?

194. - Shall we start? - Sorry.

195. - Our guest tonight for the full hour, as Larry King says,

196. Bob Saget.

197. You know him from Full House, Entourage,

198. his years of hosting America's Funniest Home Videos,

199. the voice of Ted on How I Met Your Mother,

200. and the director of the movie Dirty Work.

201. His new book, Dirty Daddy, the Chronicles of a Family Man,

202. is in stores now, Bob Saget, welcome.

203. - I'm happy to see you Norm.

204. - It's good to see you man,

205. - Really happy.

206. - And you've met my trusty sidekick Adam Eget.

207. - Good to see you Adam. - Good to see you

208. again. - Do know Adam?

209. - I do, we know each other.

210. - From where? - Comedy Store,

211. - Comedy store. - And other comedy

212. sorted places by trash bins or recording devices.

213. - Adam Eget used to be the manager at the

214. Tempe Improv which I considered the best club

215. in America. - It was one of the best

216. clubs, is it again?

217. - Well forget—

218. - Did I know you back in the day?

219. - Yeah I met you a few times over there.

220. - You didn't do anything bad to me did you?

221. - No.

222. - Okay.

223. - No.

224. - Good place to like, people partied back then,

225. remember that?

226. - Yeah, yeah,

227. - Well anyway, we only have an hour.

228. - Alright, we only have like 58 minutes now.

229. - I know.

230. - Two minutes, what the hell was that?

231. - So we were talking way before the break about how

232. you've been a seminal figure in my life.

233. - Was seminal meaning the Indian tribe?

234. Or, or, - No, no.

235. - Or having semens? - It comes from semen,

236. - Right. - The word seminal

237. - We all do.

238. - Is Latin, semino,

239. which is also the root for semen, begins,

240. it means nascent beginning.

241. So what happened was when I was a young boy,

242. and this is chronicles of your book,

243. although you made me older for some reason.

244. - Well I know you're younger than me.

245. - But I— - By many years.

246. - When I was a very young boy,

247. I was 15, 14, I snuck in to this comedy club

248. called Hiccups in Ottawa, Hiccups.

249. - I forgot.

250. - And this was before the comedy boom.

251. - Right.

252. - And there you were, and you did your, you had a guitar.

253. - I did.

254. - And you talked very fast and sang songs,

255. and then you picked me out of the audience

256. because I had wild hair.

257. - Epstein the animal like cotter hair.

258. - That's what you said.

259. And then you said, and then you sang a song,

260. - Shake it loose and let it fall.

261. - Shake it loose and let it fall, and then you're

262. like, there's Rodger the Dodger, and he's going,

263. and then you just talk to everybody.

264. - It was, I was, I guess

265. afraid to hold still and just let silence happen.

266. - Is that when you were the best?

267. - I've never gotten better than that.

268. - No but when you first see a comedian in a club,

269. you think he's the best comedian you've ever seen.

270. - Because you're used to TV. - Yes, and,

271. - Were you 17?

272. - I was 14 years old. - Wow, geez.

273. I was 22. - You were a kid, yeah.

274. And who was the first comedian?

275. Do you remember live?

276. I mean was there a club?

277. - Yeah, I was working in Philadelphia.

278. Murray Langston the unknown comic was the first comic

279. and I won a radio contest the next night there

280. when I was 17, WMMR in Philadelphia.

281. - But do you know what I'm talking about?

282. That when you see a comic live,

283. - You think it's the best thing you've ever—

284. - The best thing ever.

285. - So you obviously had a stilted view of me,

286. - No.

287. - If you had known me years later,

288. - Later on, no.

289. - you would not have liked me as much as you had.

290. - Well Bob, I don't know, you can't know that.

291. - No you can't.

292. - But you were fantastic, you know?

293. - You were— - Blessed.

294. - Super fast, incredibly witty, quick,

295. and you dealt with the audience almost constantly.

296. - You know—

297. - And you play the guitar, why don't you play

298. your guitar anymore?

299. - I do.

300. - Oh you do? - Yeah.

301. - You still do? - I do, I did a special

302. last year, I was nominated for a Grammy, but Kathy Griffon

303. won. - Oh yeah, yeah.

304. - But he's good, so.

305. But I, never said that,

306. but yeah, I still do music,

307. not very good at it, but, I never grew quite past the

308. amount of chords you heard me play.

309. - No, no, but you'd do it, it would help the comedy,

310. the flow, the timing. - It's fun to do it.

311. - You were incredibly fast,

312. I remember.

313. - Well you were really nice.

314. - Right?

315. - Yeah.

316. - Did you slow down?

317. - Or are you still fast? - A little bit,

318. - A little bit to try to listen.

319. - When you go on stage,

320. do you have an idea of what you're gonna say?

321. - I have a, like a, well you do it in a list way?

322. - This is what I do, I have like punch lines.

323. And then I ramble around knowing I have real strong

324. punchlines I ramble around - Right.

325. - Until I get to the punchlines because I find

326. if I do it word for word which I started,

327. when I started I did that, it just sounds rote.

328. - Yep. - And it's sort of like,

329. you know when you repeat a word over and over again

330. and then you forget what it means, kind of?

331. - A lot.

332. - Yeah, so I was like that, so now I ramble around

333. knowing I can hit a punchline.

334. - It's a journey, you're getting somewhere.

335. - Yeah.

336. - I do the same thing, I have a few hundred things

337. that I know I wanna do that hour.

338. - Yeah. - The last half, if I'm

339. doing a show show somewhere, I'll do like a half hour

340. music at the end, - Okay.

341. - So I kind of know that, - Yeah.

342. - That becomes music, but the, - And that's great.

343. Ending with music is fantastic.

344. - You could juggle or swallow a sword,

345. - Yeah. - That would be good.

346. - Anything that's different, because all my jokes

347. are equal. - No, you do different,

348. you weave them—

349. - No, I peter out.

350. - Not necessarily, I've seen you do—

351. - I tend to peter out. - I've seen you do,

352. I've seen you get more graphic.

353. Well but I've seen you go for like 20 minutes

354. and then the next 20 you get into a darker place,

355. which is, for me, I really love it.

356. - Oh, yeah.

357. - I love when you get— - Well I find it's like

358. seducing you know, you give the candy and the flower

359. in the first 20 minutes, and then you're ramming it up

360. their fucking hot ass later.

361. - Right, but when you're giving candy—

362. - With your juicy big cock.

363. - Right, but when you're giving the flowers and the candy,

364. is it to a kid?

365. Or is it, because I know the second part

366. of what you just said.

367. - This is a joke I heard,

368. you wanna hear a joke? - Please.

369. - Okay, this guy is driving down,

370. - he's a pedophile. - Why is the big cock

371. - always juicy with you?

372. I mean ever since I've known you,

373. it's a juicy big cock.

374. - Well, because it's plump.

375. - Is it like prime rib?

376. Does it have drippings?

377. - It's plump.

378. - Would you eat it like corn?

379. Is it like haffi?

380. I mean it's got, do you put paper towels under it?

381. Because it's gonna have drippings?

382. - Well you know the actual

383. truth of it is, it's like, here's my hot cock.

384. - The truth of it is, - Well who says that?

385. - a woman, people always say that.

386. - And then doing this on their walker?

387. - That's the lady's hips.

388. - Oh. - So, but the truth is,

389. a vagina is hot, a cock is actually cold.

390. - Mine gets warm.

391. - You think it does in your head, but no—

392. - No, in my hand.

393. - No, your hand is hot.

394. - My head's colder than my cock.

395. - Your hand is colder than your cock?

396. - Yeah, if I touch my head, and then touch my cock,

397. my cock is hotter.

398. - Yeah but it's nowhere near as hot

399. as the woman's vagina, so she's getting a cold cock.

400. - Doesn't it depend on the woman?

401. - That's where they came up with the impression—

402. - I didn't mean to cut it off.

403. - The cold cock punch.

404. But here's the joke.

405. - No, no,

406. - the cold cock punch, - There's no way

407. - has nothing to do - that that's true.

408. - Alright here's the joke.

409. - Cold cock is, it's got cock,

410. - a trigger. - Exactly, yeah.

411. - So you're cold cocking like you would

412. - a trigger. - Oh.

413. - Yeah. - Not like a hot cock

414. - that you hit somebody with.

415. Here's a hot cock, I'm gonna knock

416. you out. - That's interesting,

417. - I didn't know. - It's not bad.

418. - It'd be cool,

419. - if I had a cock, - So that makes sense.

420. - That I could knock someone

421. - out with. - Oh that'd be great.

422. - A cold cock. - Do you censor this?

423. - No.

424. But this is the joke. - You're just cut away

425. - your juices. - I don't really wanna do

426. - this joke because we wanna get on to stuff, but I'll tell

427. you quickly. - Please.

428. - So a guy, a pedophile is driving in a car,

429. and he sees a kid, and the kid is going through a dumpster

430. and the kind finds a welding hat,

431. a lot of things happen in this joke,

432. coincidentally. - Right.

433. - He finds a welding mask, and the kid puts on the welding

434. mask and he's running around having fun with the

435. welding mask, and the pedophile goes,

436. "You wanna drive, kid?"

437. The kid goes sure, so the kid gets in and the pedophile says

438. to the kid who's wearing this welding mask, he says,

439. "Would you like, do you like to get your cock sucked?"

440. And the kid goes, "Oh no, what, no."

441. And he says, "Do you wanna suck a cock, suck my cock?"

442. "Oh, no, no, no."

443. "Well how about would you like to get my big juicy cock

444. "shoved up your hot ass?" - It's gonna have a clean

445. punchline, I know that. - So finally the kid goes,

446. "Oh, I understand, no, no, no, no, I'm not actually

447. - a welder. - Right.

448. - That's a crazy joke.

449. Hey do you wanna—

450. - Wanna take some questions?

451. - I asked my Twitter

452. followers for questions for Bob Saget.

453. - Is it "pee-dophile?"

454. Is that the actual word?

455. It's "peh-dophile."

456. - No, it's "pee-dophile." - Is it "pee-doh?"

457. - You once planned, I didn't know this, but this is what

458. this, no this is not true, tell us.

459. - Great.

460. We're now on to the Full House questions here?

461. - Because that would be— - No, from toolbox3657,

462. you once planned on being a doctor,

463. - Yes.

464. - And was it the childhood game

465. that got you interested?

466. he's trying to be funny—

467. - No, I wanted to be a gynecologist,

468. I could almost taste it, you know that one.

469. - No.

470. - Yeah, well somebody said that once to me.

471. I wanted to be a doctor, actually, I was doing a talk

472. on this book and it was with Kelly Oxford here in LA

473. at the Aero Theater, and it was just a couple days ago.

474. And this guy, this girl stood up, and she said,

475. "My grandfather was your doctor."

476. - Yeah. - That was my father's doctor,

477. he got my dad through his heart attack,

478. so I talked to this old guy on the phone.

479. He was the guy that made me wanna be a doctor.

480. And so he was 84 and I woke him up and he told me

481. he's really sick and doesn't know what's wrong with him.

482. He said he had pneumonia and doesn't know how to fix it.

483. But he's, but he was my hero, and I wanted to be a doctor

484. and I love the guy. - That's inspiring.

485. - And it's great story.

486. - Except you didn't become a doctor.

487. - That would only be inspiring if you became a doctor.

488. - Yeah. - It said you were on

489. the Greatest American Hero in 1983.

490. - Hell yeah.

491. - These guys know a lot of stuff.

492. - Yeah.

493. - You really were? - Yeah.

494. - As a regular? - I was a guy, no,

495. - I was never regular in anything.

496. - Were you friends with Bill Cat?

497. - I met him, and Robert Cope,

498. and Connie Selica, and I played a young guy obsessed

499. with Dungeons and Dragons. - Wow.

500. - So I had been, gone to acting school,

501. and I did the fast talk for my standup.

502. - Yeah, yeah.

503. - So they gave me some fast talk to do,

504. and it's like, the swords of Damocles,

505. you know I didn't know what I was saying.

506. Something about a hot cock and a welding helmet.

507. - Well the guy has the question, he says,

508. I love that theme song, could you please sing as much

509. of it as you can?

510. - Greatest American Hero, uh, lighter than air,

511. something like that?

512. - Oh, come on.

513. - I don't know, you started this forum.

514. - Does anybody—

515. - That was wildly inaccurate.

516. - Do we tell kids not to watch this?

517. Could kids watch this Norm?

518. - No, Bob, this is what everyone,

519. - Who watches this? - This is your book

520. - by the way. - Mostly welders.

521. - Dirty Daddy. - Yeah.

522. - Dirty Daddy. - Yes.

523. - I was with you and Gilbert eating dinner about a year

524. ago, we were both talking about working on our books,

525. and I'm still working on mine.

526. - It'll be good, I can't wait to—

527. - And you already have a book.

528. - I worked hard. - That's annoying.

529. It's hard work, isn't it? - Yeah, it's like,

530. you think, they say,

531. well you'll write four hours a day, right?

532. And you go, oh, sure, we talked about this at dinner,

533. - Yeah.

534. - Of course I'll have that discipline.

535. - Yeah.

536. - And then a month and a half go by

537. and you've written like—

538. - Yeah, like what am I, James Joyce?

539. - "Call me Ishmael," you got like, nothing.

540. - Yeah.

541. - And then I just pulled like all these all nighters—

542. - Actually, if you had "Call me Ishmael,"

543. that would be pretty good.

544. - It would, I wanted to

545. start with that, the guy said, okay, you're not,

546. you're not even a writer yet, give me page two.

547. - Could've been a little bit funny.

548. - I made a funny whale joke. - Call me Ishmael.

549. And then during the whole book, you go,

550. and nobody's called me Ishmael.

551. - Then like it's a blowhole and could have harpooned him,

552. all that whale shit.

553. But anyway I worked hard on it, and it was like,

554. you ever see Adaptation, the Nicholas Cage movie?

555. - Yes.

556. - Charlie Koffman thing? - Yes.

557. - It was like that for me.

558. - What?

559. This is not a work of involution?

560. - No it's not.

561. It's a work of convolution, it's a work of prostitution.

562. - What do you mean by Adaptation?

563. - I was just going crazy,

564. I was, I didn't sleep for days,

565. - Oh I see. - I would go from a laptop,

566. which my balls were getting heated by, which is in

567. the book, and it's about death and comedy and all

568. the tragedies in my life. - Yeah.

569. - And then I try, - Because when I first met

570. you you had some hair brained story about your sister dying.

571. Remember that? - I don't know where I

572. came up with that, it was because I wanted to do benefits.

573. - Yeah, yeah.

574. - So that's where it worked out, because I'm still doing it.

575. Yeah, I lost a couple sisters.

576. - His sister died of scleroderma.

577. - Which is hardening of the skin.

578. - Which I would order if I saw it in an Italian restaurant.

579. - Well it's a deli.

580. Because derma, stuffed derma is kishka.

581. - It's hearty— - Derma is flesh,

582. - Kishka's good. - It is, it's skin.

583. - Latin for flesh.

584. - It is, yes, but the stuffed derma is available

585. in Nate N' Al's, it's potato stuffing inside tripe.

586. - Oh gosh. - So it's a lot

587. - like kishkas. - It's nothing to do

588. with the disease. - No, no, the disease,

589. - It's just got horrible—

590. - His sister, her skin hardened until it almost became rock.

591. - Well, - That's terrible.

592. - Would that be a way to describe it?

593. - It can be that way, yeah.

594. - How would you describe it?

595. - She was, your fat hardens

596. and it becomes taut, and it's a really terrible disease.

597. - So it's almost like a sad Marvel character.

598. - Well they say that Lot's wife maybe had—

599. - That's what I was thinking of, Lot's wife.

600. - Yeah.

601. - Sarah? - Yeah, she turned to salt.

602. - I think Julie was her name. - Julie?

603. - Yeah, Lot's wife was Julie.

604. And she turned to salt.

605. - Apparently. - Yeah.

606. - Because she probably had it coming to her.

607. - I turn to salt once in a while.

608. - Yeah, I do.

609. Sweat is salty.

610. Yeah.

611. - Sweat, what do they say?

612. The ocean, sweat, and something else.

613. - What is, - Is it semen?

614. - I don't know, is semen salty?

615. - I don't know.

616. What about poop? - I think it is.

617. - Does poop have any salt content?

618. - I don't know why you keep,

619. - Because you love analingus.

620. He wanted to ask you. - Right, right.

621. No I remember Gilbert made that, no, yeah.

622. - Yeah, Adam do boogers taste salty?

623. How about just sniffing, like,

624. scratching your butthole and sniffing that?

625. - Yeah, that's—

626. - That's salty? - Yeah, obviously.

627. - Have you actually done that?

628. - Yeah sure.

629. - And I'm on a low-salt diet,

630. I can't even sniff salt.

631. I got—

632. - You can't even sniff salt?

633. - I don't do gross stuff.

634. - I can't take epson baths.

635. - What? - I can't do anything salty.

636. - No bath salts. - Can't have a salt lick.

637. This is the fullest— - These are the worst

638. questions from the Twitter. - Let's see what it is.

639. - Maybe it's good. - This is from

640. - OfficialGregGregson, I don't know, this is from your 1990,

641. your 2005 movie, that would be my guess,

642. Farce of the Penguins.

643. - I think, yeah something

644. like that, six, seven, something like that,

645. I don't know. - Let's look it up, somebody.

646. It says what do you have against penguins?

647. He's trying to be funny.

648. - My cock.

649. - But you know I did a little

650. thing on Farce of the Penguins.

651. - You did? - And I remember when I went

652. in and there was the book where people signing in,

653. it was every major star in the world.

654. - It was fun.

655. - It was incredible.

656. - It was funny to do it,

657. - it was just stock footage. - And I thought,

658. - Saget knows everybody. - It was a scam.

659. - Saget knows everybody, right?

660. - I know a few people, I have some good friends.

661. - Because you go—

662. - You're a good friend. - Because you go way back,

663. but you know the young guys, too.

664. You make it a habit to hang out with Dax Shepard.

665. - No, no.

666. - But yet you also know, you're good friends with

667. Professor Irwin Corey.

668. - If you notice, I used to like him, I watched Car Wash

669. - the other night. - He's still alive.

670. - Is he? - He's 99 years old.

671. And I can't get him on the show.

672. - I watched Car Wash, and he drank his own,

673. he had his own urine.

674. He broke his own urine.

675. That was like the punchline.

676. In Car Wash.

677. He filled his own thing with urine and it broke.

678. - Oh, yeah.

679. - And that's when - Ever seen Car Wash?

680. - it becomes a whole big - Long time ago.

681. - Buzzkilling Car Wash.

682. - Professor Irwin Corey.

683. Who would you say, that you have met,

684. has been the biggest starlight, the most astonishing person

685. you've come in contact with?

686. Either at work, or you just saw—

687. - It was a person, when I started,

688. that I got to hang out with,

689. Pryor, was probably the person.

690. - You got to hang out with Richard Pryor?

691. - Because you were in a film together, right?

692. - Yeah, I did,

693. I'd see him at The Comedy Store for like seven years.

694. - You know who I met once, Bob,

695. you may have met this guy,

696. I bet you did.

697. But, you remember that book on stand-up,

698. written by, maybe, William Goldman, I can't remember.

699. But it was about Lenny Bruce.

700. It was about Lenny Bruce.

701. - I don't think I read that book.

702. - It was Lenny Bruce.

703. - I never met Lenny Bruce,

704. but I know who William Goldman is.

705. - And, so there was a guy that was with Lenny Bruce,

706. it was supposed to be the funniest guy,

707. he was Rodney's friend.

708. - Joe Ancis.

709. - Yes!

710. - Joe Ancis, Rodney told me—

711. - Now, I've met Joe Ancis.

712. - No way!

713. - He came to Saturday Night Live,

714. and he wasn't very funny.

715. - But he's an old man by then, right?

716. - Yeah, he was with Rodney.

717. - Wow.

718. You know, there's a story about him that he was so OCD,

719. that he got into a bathroom, took off all of his clothes,

720. and like, naked, in the toilet,

721. but didn't lock the stall door.

722. - Yeah.

723. - And Rodney told me this story,

724. and it has to be true, I guess,

725. because he didn't tell that many stories this many times.

726. And he's naked, standing on the toilet seat,

727. so you look under the stall, and the guy saw

728. that there was nobody there,

729. and he was trying to take a shit.

730. And he was, just naked, like a crow,

731. and his clothes were laid up over the side of the stall.

732. And the guy opened the stall, and they were both like

733. Because he was like naked, with his dick hanging out.

734. - Oh my God.

735. - Just a creepy story, there was no punchline to it,

736. except how OCD the guy was.

737. - how crazy he was. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

738. - I heard a great story, and correct me if I'm wrong,

739. about you running into Rodney after he got out of a hospital

740. at Caroline's, was that you?

741. And he was waiting for Ron Jeremy?

742. - Yeah, that was at his place.

743. That's actually in the book.

744. - It's in the book!

745. - Oh, is that in the book?

746. - Yeah, there's a story—

747. - Tell everyone that story.

748. - It's a true thing.

749. That I was supposed to have dinner

750. with Rodney at 7 o'clock on a Wednesday.

751. And I got to his place and he was in a robe.

752. And he had just had surgery, but he was healed,

753. you know, he wasn't like, hanging out.

754. He had a scar up here.

755. He said, "They took out all my guts, lied 'em next to me,

756. and then put 'em all back in."

757. That's how he talked about his surgery.

758. It just sounded quick, like Legos or something.

759. And so, I got to his place Wednesday night,

760. and his wife was going out with a friend.

761. And he goes, "Bob, you didn't call to confirm."

762. I said, "I'm not late, this was the plan."

763. "You didn't call to confirm, man, I'm sorry,

764. I got Ron Jeremy coming up here with two hookers."

765. And I said, "Well, I gotta go, I'm not gonna,

766. I've met Ron before, no offense, I just,

767. you know I just don't, I'm good, I'm gonna leave."

768. And Rodney goes, "Oh, sorry, man, I feel bad."

769. And he had a release on the table, that just says,

770. "I, Ron Jeremy, allow Rodney to use me in his book."

771. And then it was just gonna be his signature,

772. that's what it was all for.

773. So Rodney goes, "Ugh, I'm sorry, I'll walk you out.

774. I feel bad, Bob."

775. And he walks me over to the elevator.

776. The elevator was just to his unit.

777. And I walk over, and the doors,

778. I'm on the inside of the elevator,

779. and he said, "How you doin' Bob?"

780. I said "I'm doin' pretty good.

781. I would've liked to have dinner, but,

782. how are you doing?"

783. He goes, "You wanna know how I'm doing?

784. You're leaving and I'm waiting for a guy

785. that can suck his own cock.

786. That's how I'm doing."

787. And the doors close.

788. And we both laughed out loud.

789. Because he said it with,

790. he had no energy, up to that moment.

791. When he said it, it was like a back to school moment.

792. You know.

793. "That's how I'm doing!"

794. He yelled it.

795. And that's what the guy could do, apparently,

796. you know, the potato bug of porn actors.

797. - Yeah.

798. - Could've curled himself up. - Schlong.

799. - And you've met him, he thinks he's—

800. - He loves comics.

801. - Thinks he's funny.

802. He's the funny one.

803. - He loves comedians.

804. That's the guy you definitely wanna fist bump, not shake.

805. - Oh, yeah.

806. - Talk about that big juicy thing you were talking about.

807. - No, no.

808. - Now... - Oh my God, it's like—

809. - I have video— - Brisket,

810. - from a hallway. - When we were doing

811. - Dirty Work.

812. And I was considering just putting it in to the interview.

813. But much of it is—

814. - Can't run it.

815. - I mean, I could—

816. - Nah, I mean—

817. - But it would really hurt your career.

818. - Yes, I believe I've said things that are inappropriate.

819. - Because I had that hidden,

820. I had that camera going the entire time.

821. - I'm aware of that.

822. You had Chevy Chase in the trailer, as well.

823. - Yeah, Chevy said some things, too.

824. - Yeah, you could ruin a bunch of people's careers.

825. It's really up to you.

826. But we're friends.

827. - No, I would never do it.

828. - And we had friends, I mean, Dirty Work—

829. - But that's— - I do wanna talk—

830. - But not— - About Dirty Work.

831. - Yeah, that's what I mean.

832. - Because you're, it's a definably, for me,

833. one of the very important things that I did,

834. because, one, I directed it.

835. - Yes.

836. - You wanted me to direct it.

837. - Yes.

838. - And Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf worked on it.

839. - And you. - Great writers.

840. - And you wrote the thing. - Yeah.

841. - And it was Frank's script, originally,

842. and Bob Simon produced it,

843. and it was a difficult and important part of my life.

844. - Yeah.

845. - And it was a fun thing, too. - Wait.

846. - Why was it difficult?

847. - Oh, because— - Oh, just hard to do it.

848. - Because you're the directing, yeah.

849. - Yeah.

850. - Yeah.

851. - And I would fuck up every once in a while,

852. and then I would get back to normal.

853. - But we all had fun.

854. - We had fun.

855. And you and I, we bonded from the moment the thing started,

856. before the movie even began.

857. I won't tell anything, like you won't show the tape of me,

858. but I will tell one thing.

859. - We have to take a break.

860. - Really?

861. - We should really talk about Dirty Work when we come back.

862. - Oh, okay.

863. - I wanna talk a lot about Dirty Work, when we come back,

864. but they're, they keep—

865. - You've got sponsors?

866. - Yeah, yeah,

867. - we have sponsors. - Oh yeah.

868. - Go to the sponsors.

869. - Gotta get Dirty Work. - Fair enough.

870. - I got a lot of good stories.

871. - So say "We'll be back," or something.

872. - Yeah, there's,

873. the camera's on you.

874. Alright, when we come back, Dirty Work.

875. - Bob Saget.

876. Father, comedian, auteur—

877. - Author.

878. - Author.

879. And author.

880. - Thank you.

881. - Bob, you were about to get into...

882. Dirty Works story.

883. - Yeah, it was right after we were,

884. had met, and had gone over the script,

885. and that we were gonna go to Toronto to shoot the movie.

886. And Norm and I had, one story was

887. that we were out meeting Artie Lange,

888. 'cause we really wanted Artie for the part.

889. And I actually gave a VHS tape, physically,

890. to MGM and gave it to the head of the studio,

891. to approve Artie.

892. And then we went to meet Artie, to make sure that he was,

893. and we love Artie, and we send our love to Artie,

894. and we wanted to make sure that he was all,

895. on the straight and narrow, and he—

896. - Went to a pool hall.

897. - Right.

898. And then, we saw Artie, and then—

899. - We saw Artie, and then we saw

900. a raggedy looking Mexican.

901. - What was he up to?

902. - I don't know, they were making signals to each other.

903. - But Artie was on the straight and narrow.

904. - That's, yeah, he was on the straight and narrow,

905. and then he vanished.

906. - But we had the job, and—

907. - And he came on, came back, and he was very peppy.

908. - He was happy.

909. Pepe was the guy's name, I believe.

910. - That's right.

911. - And then we went, we did all go to Toronto,

912. and he was clean as a whistle for the shoot.

913. - Yeah, he was.

914. - But what I wanted to share, real quick, was,

915. you and I went, just the two of us, to Lola's.

916. - Oh, Lola's, that's right.

917. - And we played pool.

918. - Yeah.

919. - And we— - The sea hag?

920. - You talkin' about the sea hag?

921. - That's what I wanna talk.

922. That's the story.

923. It's really brief.

924. We were just hanging out and bonding,

925. and we always liked each other, we knew each other.

926. So it was just the two of us.

927. And I'm having a beer.

928. And I turn and look at Norm, he was just stand,

929. he was sittin' there.

930. He was just sittin' on the chair.

931. And I was goin', so anyway, I look over,

932. and all of a sudden, out of nowhere,

933. like out of H.R. Puffnstuff,

934. this woman, like Granny Clampett,

935. this was all of a sudden sittin' on his leg,

936. in like Pippi Longstockings,

937. and ponytails, and like a onesie.

938. And she goes, and Norm looks at me and he goes.

939. And she goes, "Hey, baby."

940. And all she was missing was a corncob pipe.

941. I mean, she—

942. - An old sea hag.

943. - Exactly—

944. - And Lola's every other girl, Lola's like a supermodel.

945. - It was pretty girls, and then Norm was like,

946. "What is this sea hag?"

947. And she heard him, but she didn't hear.

948. You were calling her a sea hag.

949. - Yeah, she didn't care.

950. - No, she didn't, and then she was gone.

951. I don't know where she went.

952. As quickly as she materialized, she disappeared.

953. And that was before we went off to shoot.

954. - Yeah, she went and—

955. - She probably went to go sell Artie coke.

956. - Oh, no.

957. - No.

958. - I thought, I don't know, it's possible.

959. - Well then we went and shop,

960. and then we went, Artie, I love Artie a lot.

961. - I know. - In fact, when I put him

962. - in the book, I called him and said,

963. "Look, I'm going to tell a story about you

964. having some problems when you couldn't do the roast,"

965. that you were so hilarious at,

966. and Artie said, "Hey," he couldn't come to it,

967. because he had a real problem,

968. he was very sick the night before,

969. he had a problem.

970. And he said, "Hey, just tell the truth, Bob,

971. gotta tell the truth."

972. So I did, I put it in the book,

973. and I just want him...

974. We love Artie.

975. - The Bob Saget Roast, another seminal moment in my life.

976. - You were so funny.

977. - So many people talked about that.

978. - It's a favorite, yeah.

979. - So many people said they couldn't figure it out.

980. That's, how could they not

981. - figure it out? - That's what I think.

982. - That's—

983. - I was like, it's alright if you don't like it, but,

984. don't think I'm mentally ill.

985. - They were like, "What is he doing?"

986. I don't know, he's telling old jokes,

987. and then he's kind of like, it was like a Carson reaction.

988. - Yeah, and I, - You were like

989. - The guy with the cards.

990. - Taking the cards, and going, "Well, here's another one."

991. - I did a thing they cut out, I wish it had.

992. But afterwards, everyone clapped after I did it,

993. I said like, "that concludes the joke," everyone clapped,

994. and then I said "May a dog in heat romance your leg

995. in the month of September."

996. 'Cause I remember Carson saying that

997. when I was a little kid.

998. - "A wild yak."

999. I can't remember any of those.

1000. - You ever heard my Carson?

1001. You know, 'cause he had a heart attack, which was horrible.

1002. And because he was such a hero,

1003. yeah, I know, you were on the show.

1004. - Yeah. - Often.

1005. - Worship him.

1006. - And he is everybody's hero, and it was sad,

1007. because he was all alone, like he so loved to be,

1008. you know, he had a heart attack alone in his,

1009. he had all the world!

1010. But he died alone, and anyways,

1011. he phoned the 911 himself.

1012. And I do an impression of him phoning.

1013. - Oh, please do. - 911.

1014. - Johnny Carson, after having a massive heart attack,

1015. falling to the floor, finding his phone, and phoning 911.

1016. - Do you wanna hear it? - Please.

1017. - This is, you be the person.

1018. - Hello, 911 emergency.

1019. - Yes, this is Johnny Carson.

1020. - But—

1021. - This is Johnny Carson.

1022. - Yes sir, what is the emergency?

1023. - I feel like there's a yak on my chest.

1024. No, that's it.

1025. - A heart, a dart, and a shart.

1026. - He still had the funniest—

1027. - Oh, it really sucked, you bet your bippy.

1028. - But boy, he had funny characters,

1029. I know he stole a lot of them, all of them, but—

1030. - But he also revered Red Skeleton, and he revered—

1031. - Yeah, I know.

1032. - He was revered, Jack Benny said,

1033. that's where they came from.

1034. - Revered them so much.

1035. - That he did—

1036. - That he took their—

1037. - But he knew—

1038. - Jonathan Winters, he went all the,

1039. as far as taking the entire costume.

1040. - Yeah, but if you're doing this on the air,

1041. and it's Red Skeleton's clear bit,

1042. you're doing an homage, you're not a thief.

1043. - And as he did his Mick Jagger impression, almost, there,

1044. I think that's another, there's a lot of musicians,

1045. do the same thing.

1046. - You ever put your thumb under your armpits

1047. and then sniff it to see if it's salty?

1048. - A little salty, yeah I've noticed.

1049. - There was a Dirty Work thing that I wanted to tell,

1050. 'cause you were about to bring it up, during that break,

1051. - which was a great break. - Ah, yes, the break.

1052. - And it was a question that you had,

1053. it was post Dirty Work, it was after we had finished,

1054. and Artie and Norm and I went golfing.

1055. Is that what happened?

1056. So you—

1057. - It was something, it was a prank involving,

1058. - I believe, a tow truck driver?

1059. - Oh, yes!

1060. - And I didn't, I don't like pranks,

1061. and I got, well I did something horrible.

1062. - You did.

1063. Artie had just bought—

1064. - You pulled a bag on him.

1065. - Artie had just bought a big Cadillac.

1066. - Brand knew Cadillac.

1067. - He's from Jersey, - Sure.

1068. - So that's a big thing, for a guy from Jersey.

1069. - And I was driving it back.

1070. - In New York City.

1071. - And there's a lot of potholes.

1072. And I said—

1073. - Big problem in New York City.

1074. - Sure.

1075. - Before 9/11, that was the problem.

1076. - Potholes. - Yeah, potholes.

1077. - And I was driving, and I wasn't being that careful.

1078. I don't know why, but I went into a giant pothole,

1079. and I popped Artie's tire, and his wheel.

1080. - The wheel's busted. - God, a wheel's—

1081. - The wheel.

1082. I mean, sparks were flying off the wheel.

1083. And this is a brand new Caddy.

1084. And then, I had to get a tow truck guy,

1085. and the tow truck guy shows up outta nowhere.

1086. - Like out of nowhere. - Yeah, so fast.

1087. - It's the sea hag.

1088. - And then, I said to the guy, how much?

1089. And I just tried to run it to ATM,

1090. a couple of 'em, to pay this guy,

1091. and then Norm and Artie came over,

1092. and what was, exactly—

1093. - No, I went to...

1094. No, I went to Bob, and I said,

1095. "The guy doesn't want any money.

1096. All he wants is your autograph.

1097. He loves Full House."

1098. But the guy was a Mexican.

1099. He couldn't speak English.

1100. - Well that doesn't track, necessarily.

1101. Well any person from anywhere

1102. could not want a picture of mine.

1103. - No, no, no, no, this guy, though,

1104. didn't even know popular culture.

1105. - So what— - He did not know,

1106. - He had never seen anything that I was in.

1107. - Norm— - Probably anything on

1108. - Television. - Norm, what happened—

1109. - All he did was try to— - When he went over

1110. - To Bob with— - Well, Bob was there.

1111. - When Bob brought over the autograph.

1112. - Bob knows that part.

1113. - What happened was, I think Norm has a point,

1114. because the guy probably spent his whole life,

1115. just getting here, legally,

1116. and trying to get his family here,

1117. and so his last thing would be—

1118. - A famous guy, to him,

1119. was a coyote.

1120. - Or the border guard.

1121. That didn't shoot one of his kids.

1122. - Yeah.

1123. - So, I didn't know what to do, because Norm said,

1124. "This guy wants your picture."

1125. I think you said for his kid,

1126. - I'm not sure. - Yeah, for his kid.

1127. - Right. - Yeah.

1128. - And he doesn't want any money.

1129. - And I went "Oh, he wants my picture?

1130. Okay."

1131. And I had got hundreds of dollars ready and he says,

1132. I go over to him, and I go, "Okay, how much?"

1133. And he said,

1134. "$800."

1135. And I was like "Oh, okay."

1136. So, already, I know that there's more to it.

1137. That the guy doesn't just want my picture.

1138. And then the guy, I said, "So, I, you know,

1139. I have a picture for you," I happen to have one.

1140. - I don't know, I had pictures.

1141. - Yeah, yeah. - I said,

1142. - "Who do you want me to make this out to?"

1143. He goes, "I don't know who you are, man.

1144. I don't want your picture."

1145. - He got very belligerent.

1146. - And then Artie and Norm

1147. were just pounding the cement and laughing,

1148. that was the funniest thing they ever saw.

1149. It was exactly what Dirty Work was,

1150. you know, it was just playing a prank on me.

1151. And—

1152. - This is a story that I love from Bob Saget,

1153. and this could happen to you, but one day,

1154. his chair wasn't there.

1155. - That's a true story.

1156. - I say—

1157. - Oh, the director's chair?

1158. - One day, his chair was not there.

1159. - This was a, I was, before I got on the show Full House,

1160. I was on a show called The Morning Program on CBS.

1161. I was there for four months, and then they fired me,

1162. but I didn't know I was gettin' fired.

1163. One morning, the host, Mariette Hartley, said to me,

1164. "Are you a type A person?"

1165. This was live CBS television.

1166. "Are you a type A person?"

1167. I said "Yes, but I'm working on my anus."

1168. I meant "A-ness,"

1169. and she said "Go to your room,"

1170. and they sent me to the back of the set.

1171. - "Go to your room!"

1172. - They sent me there, and it was like 10 minutes,

1173. 'til the commercial, which was, now it's every seven.

1174. I was up standing by a flat, just back there waitin',

1175. and then I knew, this wasn't good.

1176. I knew I was going to be done.

1177. And the next day, I came into work,

1178. and it was always three host chairs in the morning,

1179. and they would start it with a Marvin Hammer song,

1180. and I walked in in the morning, at 4:30,

1181. I would get there, in the morning,

1182. and there were two chairs

1183. And the producer, very nice man, hired me,

1184. gave me a big break, Bob Shanks,

1185. wrote a book, The Cool Fire,

1186. very smart producer guy.

1187. I walked over, and said "Wha?"

1188. He said, "We're going to try to get the chair back."

1189. - I said "What do you mean?"

1190. I said, "My chair, my chair's gone."

1191. I pictured it like in a saw mill,

1192. that it was just getting used for kindling.

1193. And my chair never came back.

1194. I was sitting on the steps with a microphone,

1195. going "It's 15 minutes after the hour."

1196. And then I called my manager,

1197. and he said, "This isn't good."

1198. And then I found out that Full House still wanted me.

1199. - Oh, great. - Oh, yeah.

1200. - So there you go.

1201. - But I, for about a month, I thought, I gotta move.

1202. I mean, I had no more money, it was over.

1203. - You've worked pretty well, non-stop,

1204. since you were a young man.

1205. - I have a work ethic,

1206. so I was a deli clerk, I mean, I always work.

1207. - Yeah, more than a work ethic.

1208. - That's Protestant. - I had an overly hard

1209. - driving, because of my Dad, I think—

1210. - Work ethic is Protestant, work ethic.

1211. - It's Protestant?

1212. - Yeah, Protestant.

1213. - Jews don't have a work ethic?

1214. - No, no— - They're just conniving?

1215. - Sneaky? - Yeah.

1216. - No, they have much,

1217. goes much deeper with that race.

1218. - Because they have to get back, at the—

1219. - I don't know the, I'm no expert.

1220. - But you— - But I know,

1221. - They're stripped of everything,

1222. and then 10 years later, they got all the gold back.

1223. - What do you mean, - There's a lot of—

1224. when you say "stripped of everything?"

1225. - People of all— - What?

1226. - What do you mean when you say "stripped of everything?"

1227. - Oh, don't start this again.

1228. Please don't start this again.

1229. He'd never believe in the, whatever.

1230. - What? - I never got to go to camp.

1231. - He doesn't believe in The Holocaust.

1232. - I never went to camp, when I was a kid.

1233. Is that a good change of subject?

1234. - He doesn't believe that The Holocaust happened.

1235. - Do you believe, do you not believe that?

1236. - I had a Bar Mitzvah, again.

1237. - And then he says he has - Why would you have

1238. - a Bar Mitzvah. - a Bar Mitzvah,

1239. - If you didn't believe The Holocaust?

1240. - Oh, Jesus, every time.

1241. - What about the moon?

1242. Do you believe Jews land on the moon?

1243. - Yeah, right.

1244. - Jews didn't land on the moon.

1245. - How long have you had to work with him?

1246. - The Polish,

1247. I remember the Poland, remember, they were trying to,

1248. they had some thing, they were trying to land on the sun.

1249. - Oh, yes, and you know what the first man

1250. did when he landed on the sun?

1251. Murray Langston, that's one of the first jokes

1252. I heard when I was 17.

1253. - Oh, I didn't wanna - It's an old joke.

1254. - Talk about Murray Langston, I wanted to talk about,

1255. - but anyways, - That hot foot.

1256. - I was gonna say, that the Polish government did actually

1257. try to land on the sun, back in the—

1258. - No, no they didn't.

1259. - Yes, and they were ridiculed for it,

1260. because they said, you know, "You know, you'll burn up,

1261. when you come anywhere near it."

1262. They said, "We're going at night."

1263. - Who, who, oh.

1264. Who reasoned with the Polish government,

1265. that told them that?

1266. After they said, "We're coming at night."

1267. - I told that joke once, and the guy got real mad at me,

1268. and then I changed the joke, just to stupid guy,

1269. instead of Polish.

1270. - That's helpful.

1271. - The same guy got angry at it.

1272. - Because he was, it's coincidental?

1273. - That's not my joke.

1274. That's, you know whose joke that is,

1275. is Babyman, what was his name?

1276. - Bruce Baum.

1277. - Yeah, Bruce Baum.

1278. Who, one time, I was watching a,

1279. they used to have softcore porn.

1280. I don't know if you remember that, Bob.

1281. - Yeah, SpectraVision.

1282. - Yeah.

1283. - Oh, yeah.

1284. - And one time—

1285. - For the discerning businessman, that wants to jerk off.

1286. - One time, I'm watching it—

1287. - Bruce helped me, he was

1288. - a friend of mine. - I'm having fun—

1289. - Bruce helped you reach—

1290. 'Cause, you know, Make Me Laugh.

1291. - Oh, yes. - The show, Make Me Laugh,

1292. - first time I got on, it was because Bruce said,

1293. "I wanna help Bob—"

1294. - You'd be good at that, because you're so fast—

1295. - I was then.

1296. - You were always fast, fast, right in your face—

1297. - Right in your face?

1298. That takes you back to the

1299. - SpectraVision.

1300. - Now, I was gonna ask you who, and then you said,

1301. Murray Langston, but I was trying to ask you,

1302. who was the biggest star you ever met in your life?

1303. - Biggest star, I mean—

1304. - I mean, even just met.

1305. - The president?

1306. - The President of the United States?

1307. - No, no, no, no, hair club for men.

1308. - Oh.

1309. - Yeah, I met, yeah.

1310. - Who, the Bush President?

1311. - Sy—

1312. - Sy Sperling, that's a good man.

1313. - Well, Bill Clinton, shook, you know, his hand.

1314. - Yeah, who else?

1315. - George Bush Senior.

1316. - Yeah.

1317. - I did a couple events for him.

1318. - Yeah.

1319. - For Barbara Bush, actually,

1320. because she was helping women's charities.

1321. - So that's a little bit, well,

1322. what about in show business?

1323. - That's not show business?

1324. - Well, no, well we—

1325. - Well, maybe, I don't know—

1326. - Who are you, Janeane Garofalo?

1327. I guess, maybe it is.

1328. - Mick Jagger, I guess.

1329. - You met Mick Jagger?

1330. Now we're getting somewhere.

1331. - Yeah.

1332. - Holy crow, what happened there?

1333. What's the story, there's gotta be some story there.

1334. - Well, it was a, do you really want to hear it?

1335. - Yeah.

1336. - Holy crow?

1337. - I mean, meeting Mick Jagger?

1338. - You've met Mick Jagger, you've met everybody.

1339. - I have never met - You were on SNL.

1340. - How would I have met Mick Jagger?

1341. - On SNL, you met pretty much - I was in the

1342. - everybody.

1343. - The years where they had bad hosts.

1344. - But I hosted.

1345. - That's true.

1346. - "I was there when you hosted, Saget."

1347. - I remember— - It was a dismal dark time.

1348. - The first time I talked to Bob,

1349. was as in Ottawa at Hiccups.

1350. The second time, was at Saturday Night Live, as hosting.

1351. - Were you— - And I was like,

1352. - "What's going on?"

1353. He's like,

1354. "I'm doing good, married for, whatever, 15 years."

1355. I'm like, "God, 15 years, that seems like along time."

1356. He's like, "No, I wake up every day with wood,

1357. I like to fuck my—"

1358. - What, I didn't—

1359. - But then three months later, he's divorced.

1360. - What?

1361. Well, first thing, we were married 15 years.

1362. - Yeah.

1363. - And, I never said, "I wake up every morning with..."

1364. - I might have said that. - It's good to say,

1365. - While you're married.

1366. Of course, you don't wanna tell a stranger

1367. it's not going well.

1368. - Well you might have said it on the news, I don't know.

1369. - I probably would have said something.

1370. - You would've.

1371. You said what you felt.

1372. - Who was hosting Weekend Update when you popped in

1373. to Ellen, I remember Ellen Cleghorne

1374. was all bummed out when Full House—

1375. - That was at— - Was that you?

1376. - That was him on the news.

1377. - Oh, so that—

1378. - Yeah, and Ellen was crying about Full House—

1379. - Oh, that's right. - Being off the air.

1380. - Yeah. - And the joke was,

1381. - that a black person would never watch Full House.

1382. Was that the joke?

1383. Why was it called Full House?

1384. - Well, because it was a house that was full,

1385. of a lot of people, it had three guys, three girls,

1386. neighbors, and boyfriends, and all that stuff.

1387. - Yeah, but a full house also is a card—

1388. - It is.

1389. And it means you've got a lot of, your hand is full.

1390. So there's an over-running of abundancy.

1391. - My hand is full, I'll tell you that much.

1392. - Yeah, 'cause of your big juicy—

1393. - Yeah.

1394. - But we had so many cool things happen on Dirty Work.

1395. People ask me about it all the time.

1396. Being here with you, I kind of think that there's people—

1397. - Every person on that cast, maybe not the girl—

1398. - She was good.

1399. - But, everyone else—

1400. - Traylor Howard was good.

1401. - Yeah, I know she was good,

1402. but everybody else was so fun to be around.

1403. - Chris Farley.

1404. - Farley, and Chevy, and—

1405. - Farley's just— - Rebecca Romign.

1406. - She was just the bearded lady.

1407. - It was her moment. - Gordon, Martineau.

1408. - What language are you speaking?

1409. - He was the one that said "Son of a bitch bastard."

1410. - Oh, that guy.

1411. Who did "Punch you in the stomach, Mitch?"

1412. Who's that?

1413. - The guy that, who's the owner of your,

1414. you rented the space from him.

1415. - He was written as a—

1416. - "I'll punch you in the stomach!"

1417. - He was written as an Irishman,

1418. but he was sort of crazy.

1419. - He was good, he was good in the movie.

1420. - Yeah, he was funny.

1421. - I like to— - Jack Warden,

1422. - obviously.

1423. - Jack Warden. - The great Jack Warden.

1424. - Jack Warden did a funny thing to me the first day,

1425. when he came in.

1426. I was sitting with, maybe even you,

1427. and Bobby Simon, but anyways,

1428. he came in, and he said, "I'm excited about this bruh,

1429. this is going to be a lot of fine,

1430. can't wait to meet Norm, I like him.

1431. You know, I'm a big fan."

1432. I'm sittin' right there.

1433. - Right.

1434. - And he goes, "I'm a big fan of Norm,

1435. I watch him every week, this guy's a funny guy,"

1436. he's looking right at me, he goes,

1437. "this guy's a funny," it's just bullshit, you know,

1438. that he knows me.

1439. He goes, "This guy's a funny guy, you know.

1440. I can't wait to," so I was so embarrassed,

1441. he goes "I can't wait to meet him?

1442. I'm fucking with you, buddy!

1443. I got you, you motherfucker!"

1444. He was joking.

1445. - Everything he said in the movie was like a,

1446. a violation, to you and Artie,

1447. which is almost impossible.

1448. He would go, "I was a stunt cock in the stag films."

1449. I think we had to take that out.

1450. - We had to take that out.

1451. - And you and Artie are just like,

1452. - Yeah, we decided that— - "Pop, please!"

1453. - Remember— - The sequel,

1454. - I had the idea for the sequel.

1455. - Remember your directing debut was always, "do this."

1456. - Yeah.

1457. I said, Norm, we need a little more, throw in one of these.

1458. And then I'd go to Artie, and he was like,

1459. he was good, he was always good, he was always right,

1460. he knew his lines, and I would just go over to him,

1461. because he wasn't doing anything wrong,

1462. and I went "Okay, in this next take,

1463. I'm going to fuck you in the ass."

1464. - Yeah, yeah.

1465. - And he would go "What?"

1466. And all it did was, I don't think it helped.

1467. - You know, Jack Warden always told me,

1468. and I don't know anything about acting,

1469. but I didn't realize this,

1470. he said how hard it is,

1471. because he was in bed for most of the movie, you know?

1472. - With a cover over. - He was in there a lot,

1473. - Trying to get a part.

1474. - And he said it's very tough to act that way.

1475. I didn't realize that, but of course—

1476. - We were very lucky that—

1477. - You're not using your body, or you know what I mean?

1478. It'd be good for me, 'cause I'm,

1479. my hands are just—

1480. - Well, Misery.

1481. Misery, you know.

1482. - Huh?

1483. - Misery, the movie Misery?

1484. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

1485. - James Caan's in bed, and Kathy Bates hobbles him,

1486. and Whose Life Is It Anyway, Richard Dreyfuss was in a bed.

1487. But Jack Warden was an older guy, already,

1488. and he was, God he did so many amazing movies.

1489. The man is—

1490. - Hobbled?

1491. You hobble a horse, don't you?

1492. Not James Caan?

1493. - He was hobbled.

1494. Yeah, so she took a hammer to James Caan,

1495. Kathy Bates hobbled, yeah exactly—

1496. - That's how you hobbled a horse.

1497. - You do, which is why it was fucked up

1498. that she hobbled James Caan.

1499. As a character that Stephen King wrote.

1500. In that movie.

1501. - And then James Caan was in a movie with—

1502. - With a horse's head. - A horse's head.

1503. - Before that, The Godfather was way before,

1504. but the horse—

1505. - Yeah, who was that guy?

1506. - That guy, the studio head, really good actor.

1507. - Could you do an impression of him?

1508. - No. - Try it.

1509. - No, try it, say "That Ginny!"

1510. - You know? - "She was beautiful."

1511. - Yeah, there you go.

1512. Why aren't you?

1513. - "Olive oil, eh."

1514. - Whoa, whoa, easy, easy.

1515. Jesus Christ.

1516. I'll be Robert Duvall, the consulaire.

1517. I only have one client.

1518. Okay, I'll say, "So is it alright,

1519. is he gonna get the part?"

1520. - "No, she's not gonna get the part!"

1521. - "Why not?"

1522. - "I'll tell you why, because your Ginny came in,

1523. with his olive oil skin, and his Ginny charm.

1524. She was beautiful."

1525. - She was the best I ever—

1526. - "She was the best I ever had!"

1527. - Yeah.

1528. Yeah.

1529. - Yeah!

1530. - That's pretty right on.

1531. - That's pretty awesome, man.

1532. We'll be back.

1533. We'll do some jokes, when we come back.

1534. - Bob Saget has done everything in this business,

1535. now he is a best selling author, with Dirty Daddy.

1536. So innocent, so pure...

1537. Yet he was destined to become...

1538. Dirty Daddy, Bob Saget is with us.

1539. Well, Bob.

1540. - I'm happy to see you, Norm.

1541. - You gotta be excited about a book though.

1542. - I'm excited, I put work into it, and I'm,

1543. my daughters liked it, which is,

1544. - Yeah. - It's a book

1545. that has death and comedy, and I do talk about

1546. - But you're going— - my balls a lot.

1547. - But your daughters are okay with it?

1548. - They're proud of it.

1549. - That's nice. - They loved it.

1550. - My mother passed away a couple months ago,

1551. and she was reading it.

1552. - I saw, there's a—

1553. - There's an homage to her.

1554. - Homage to her, right here.

1555. - Yeah, there it is.

1556. - I'll read it:

1557. "As I was writing this book, over the past year and a half,

1558. I began noticing that some of the events and themes

1559. described within, loved ones becoming ill,

1560. and how comedy gets us through our pain,"

1561. which is kind of the theme of the book,

1562. "were coming true yet again.

1563. How crazy, though, basically living out

1564. many of my tragic moments from the book, once more,

1565. as I was writing it.

1566. I find it ironic, yet also sweetly poignant,

1567. that life goes in cycles.

1568. As the book went to press, I lost my loving mother,

1569. at the age of 89.

1570. A beloved wife, mother, grandmother, aunt and friend,

1571. she touched countless lives through the generations,

1572. and will always be remembered.

1573. This is for you, Mom.

1574. Dolly Saget, 1925-2014."

1575. - That's made up, she didn't die.

1576. - You can't just cry?

1577. - I don't want to, it'd be,

1578. you know, I did, I started to cry.

1579. - You were starting to cry, and then—

1580. - Yeah, my mother. - you made a joke.

1581. - That's the story of how - Which is exactly

1582. - I lost my mother. - what this book's about.

1583. - It is. - You started to cry,

1584. - And you go to a joke.

1585. - You do, because, you don't want let people into that.

1586. You have a lot of stuff that's happened in your life,

1587. and you don't wanna...

1588. You and I have talked, privately.

1589. - Yeah, I've had some scary withdrawls—

1590. - See what you do?

1591. - Don't bring up bad memories.

1592. - But see?

1593. - You're right, well it's time to do jokes!

1594. - I love you, Norm.

1595. - This is where we put in a big thing, "Jokes."

1596. - Yeah.

1597. - Does it flash? - No.

1598. - You can start, just do the joke, right into that camera.

1599. - Okay...

1600. Who wrote these?

1601. You got me just doing jokes?

1602. - Yeah, this is ready to go.

1603. - Unsolicited.

1604. Is this from that joke book, that 1942?

1605. - No, those are real jokes.

1606. - Two businessmen...

1607. I didn't write this, I don't know—

1608. - This is a topical joke.

1609. - Topical? - Yes!

1610. - Ripped from the pages

1611. - of today's headlines. - Two businessmen...

1612. - Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks

1613. for 550 million dollars.

1614. They are very excited with their purchase,

1615. as this is the only legal way to own black people.

1616. Now that is here, and I read that.

1617. - Well you're not, they're,

1618. you know how businessmen are racist.

1619. - They are.

1620. - Yeah, so it's them being racist.

1621. - They are. - Not you.

1622. - The two businessmen that bought the Milwaukee Bucks

1623. - for 550 million dollars - Yeah.

1624. - Are racist, according to this—

1625. - Oh no, they're fine men.

1626. - They're—

1627. - Jenny McCarthy recently got engaged

1628. to former New Kid On The Block, Donny Wahlberg,

1629. they plan to marry on Retard Island.

1630. - Now, why couldn't I have gotten this one?

1631. You throwing me under the bus on the next one again?

1632. - No, I didn't.

1633. - Give me one of your better ones.

1634. - I'll give you a good one.

1635. - Here, okay here.

1636. - Give me one that doesn't offend, the—

1637. - Okay, this here—

1638. - Many people.

1639. - This is not topical, it's just about...

1640. It's as if it's about your life.

1641. - How come none of my friends never have a dungeon?

1642. Instead, they all just have rape dungeons.

1643. So it's not a regular dungeon

1644. - A rape dungeon. - That's what you're saying.

1645. - Thanks again.

1646. - The bus, I've never been thrown under

1647. an entire trailway's fleet.

1648. - I found the secret to life,

1649. it is that there is no problem that a huge...

1650. No, I found the secret to life, Bob, and this is it.

1651. There is no problem big enough that a huge...

1652. - That a huge, that a huge what?

1653. - No, I found out the secret to life.

1654. - Yes, oh Great One?

1655. - Yes, and it is this:

1656. There is no problem big enough that a huge

1657. black cock cannot fix.

1658. - Didn't expect that at all.

1659. Didn't expect that.

1660. But these, didn't see that.

1661. I have here the last joke.

1662. Alright, what's that one?

1663. - The last joke.

1664. - Yeah, you won.

1665. - You're holding in your hand the last joke.

1666. - Yes.

1667. - Oh, here's one.

1668. - I think you'd like this one. - Oh, God.

1669. - Now, Michelle Obama, - No, you take these.

1670. - It's a topical joke.

1671. - I know, I know, I know.

1672. You sold the other ones to me in the same way.

1673. Adam, good work.

1674. - Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the AB show,

1675. ABC show, Nashville—

1676. - Start again.

1677. - Kids today.

1678. - Can't spell A-B-C. - A-B-C.

1679. - Wow.

1680. - Michelle Obama has booked a cameo

1681. on the ABC show Nashville.

1682. With this and her appearance on iCarly,

1683. I think Michelle's ready to start appearing in films.

1684. May I suggest my favorite film series, Black Ass Fuckers?

1685. - Does this go live to web?

1686. - Oh my God.

1687. - Is that an actual, there's no—

1688. - Why are you reading—

1689. - It's Black Ass Farts.

1690. - Norm, Norm—

1691. - I actually, there is a series, that is true,

1692. there is a series, Black,

1693. 'cause I saw Black Ass Fuckers number 5: A Pale Imitation.

1694. - I missed number 5.

1695. - That's where it really - Let me ask you—

1696. - started to shine. - Let me ask you

1697. - a question. - It jumped the shark.

1698. - Black Ass Fuckers 5, - Norm—

1699. - It jumped the shark.

1700. - You just write all these, is that what happened?

1701. - It jumped the shark.

1702. - I understand.

1703. - You watch Shark Tank?

1704. Now I did see, there was a magazine,

1705. I love Shark Tank.

1706. - Yeah.

1707. - Oh my, it's like my favorite show.

1708. I did see a magazine called Black Ass Fuckers,

1709. I'll be honest.

1710. And I looked at, I opened it,

1711. - And it used to be you'd open it and pages would fall out,

1712. I don't know if you remember the old porno.

1713. - No, I— - You'd open it, anyways.

1714. - I used to get Playboys— - Every picture,

1715. - Every picture was just

1716. a black ass with cum coming out of the asshole.

1717. Should we do the last joke?

1718. - Do the last, you should do it yourself.

1719. Just pick your favorite.

1720. - I should do the last joke? - Pick your favorite.

1721. - Pick your favorite, out of all those.

1722. - Okay, oh this one's good, 'cause you guys can join me,

1723. at the end of the joke, you'll see why.

1724. Remember just get ready.

1725. - This is like the worst Passover Seder I've ever been at.

1726. You know what that is?

1727. - I know what a Passover Seder is,

1728. but the worst Passover Seder, is when you're there,

1729. and this guy's talking about the smokestacks of Burkinow.

1730. - Okay. - Not being true.

1731. - Because he doesn't think it's true.

1732. There's no way I would bring that up at Pay-sop dinner.

1733. - That's the closes I've seen to him

1734. admitting The Holocaust, where he said,

1735. "I think people have died," he's like,

1736. "six million, 600, what's the difference?"

1737. I'm like.

1738. - There's a lot of difference, Adam.

1739. - It's a huge difference.

1740. - You know, Passover, they say that it was the last supper,

1741. was supposed to be the Passover dinner, I think.

1742. - Oh, is that right?

1743. - I don't know, I made that up.

1744. Because most of the other facts have been made up.

1745. - Isn't Passover where they put the, the red—

1746. - The lamb blood on the door.

1747. - The lamb blood on the door.

1748. - That'll keep anybody away.

1749. - Yeah.

1750. - If I put lamb blood on my door,

1751. you probably would call 911.

1752. - And the Jewish children were spared.

1753. - Yes, because that's—

1754. - And my people—

1755. - Which is what, what people is that?

1756. - The Semites.

1757. - The Semites?

1758. Anti?

1759. - The Semites that weren't Jews.

1760. Were, the children were slaughtered.

1761. By God, by the angel of death.

1762. - Oh, the Egyptian in the first Old Testament,

1763. apparently, and they were,

1764. apparently, the Pharaoh, in the Ten Commandments movie.

1765. - I don't know, I don't know about—

1766. - The animated one that I saw, on TNT.

1767. - I don't know movies.

1768. I read the book.

1769. - Did you?

1770. - Yeah.

1771. - Here it is, ready? - What's your favorite

1772. - religious movie?

1773. - I loved Passion of the Christ.

1774. - Did you?

1775. - Although I will say, I thought it was very anti-Semitic,

1776. because every Jew looked like fuckin' muppets.

1777. You know what I mean?

1778. They're all like:

1779. Hook noses...

1780. So I can see the anti-Semitism,

1781. but what I liked was the incredible violence.

1782. But, you know what was strange?

1783. - Did they ask them, did you kill Jesus?

1784. "No."

1785. - When they took, - Acting!

1786. - When they tore apart at Jesus,

1787. when they filleted him with that thing—

1788. - I'm sorry I asked.

1789. - And then they took him to Calvary,

1790. it seemed like, almost an anti-climax,

1791. when they nailed him to the cross,

1792. because he had been beaten so savagely

1793. with that crazy ball with spikes in.

1794. You seen the movie?

1795. - No, it's hard for me to watch people suffer like that.

1796. - Yeah.

1797. - And like this.

1798. Which is more difficult to watch,

1799. this or The Passion of the Christ?

1800. - No, Passion of the Christ was my favorite biblical movie,

1801. what was your favorite one, Ben-Hur?

1802. - I actually liked...

1803. The Last Temptation of Christ,

1804. that Martin Scorsese directed.

1805. - Oh, yeah, that was good.

1806. - Although, it was a lot of New Yorkers,

1807. "You are a Jew, persecuting Jews, how could you do that?"

1808. - Harvey Keitel. - Yeah, yeah.

1809. - But I liked it, because it was trying to—

1810. - I heard, this is what I heard.

1811. That, what was the movie, I guess it was Ben-Hur.

1812. But at the end, Christ is up on the cross,

1813. and John Wayne is in the movie.

1814. Because John Wayne always wanted

1815. to get out of his Western thing,

1816. so whoever the director was, it was one of those big guys,

1817. - John Ford, I don't know— - Of Ben-Hur?

1818. - Yeah, I don't know who it was.

1819. But anyways, they said that, I don't know if this is true,

1820. but they said, you know, he came up,

1821. and he had no, you know, he was still John Wayne,

1822. so he had the last line of the movie,

1823. which was "Surely this man is the Son of God."

1824. And everyone's like,

1825. "Oh, all the sudden John Wayne's in it."

1826. So he goes, "You're doing it like John Wayne,

1827. like a cowboy."

1828. Alright, this is probably not true,

1829. - but the director said, - I don't think

1830. - the director said— - John Wayne

1831. - Yeah, John Wayne has the last line of the movie.

1832. So, the director said, "Do it, this is the God."

1833. You know, it just was Jesus.

1834. "Do it with awe."

1835. Yeah, so what did John Wayne say?

1836. - "Aww, you don't..."

1837. I don't know what the line was.

1838. - "Aww, surely this is the Mexi—"

1839. - Add partner.

1840. - Alright, this is the final joke.

1841. Chicago is now number one in murder and sausages.

1842. That sounds like my kind of town!

1843. - Is that Sinatra?

1844. I don't know.

1845. - I like Chicago.

1846. - You don't know that fuckin' song?

1847. - You have to pay for music royalties here?

1848. - Yeah, yeah, that's, we gotta work on that.

1849. - By the way, I just wanna tell you,

1850. that this is really fun to do this.

1851. Of course I was excited to see you,

1852. when I came in, before we rolled anything.

1853. - Yeah.

1854. - I'm really happy to see you.

1855. You look great.

1856. - Oh, thanks, I got glasses now.

1857. - I like them.

1858. They're non-reflective, I believe.

1859. - I got it off you.

1860. - I gave you my old glasses.

1861. Because I've had nothing but Robert Q. Lewis glasses,

1862. for the past 15—

1863. - Who's Robert Q. Lewis?

1864. - He was that comedian guy on game shows

1865. that always wore glasses.

1866. - He was smart, chatty guy. - Robert Q. Lewis.

1867. - Oh yes, he was on like, I've Got a Secret.

1868. - I've Got a Secret, those things.

1869. But I don't know—

1870. - Robert Q. Lewis,

1871. what do you say?

1872. - I'm supposed to have his soul

1873. and have in my body, and answers.

1874. - Yeah, Robert Q. Lewis?

1875. What do you say?

1876. - I've got a question.

1877. - What is the question?

1878. - I've got a secret.

1879. - Yes, Robert Q. Lewis?

1880. - What's your secret?

1881. I shit myself.

1882. - Oh, that's disgraceful.

1883. - That's what he would say.

1884. - Kityy Carwile, what do you have to say?

1885. - Uh...

1886. - Jesus Christ.

1887. - This is the best improv.

1888. - Yeah, I know, right?

1889. - But we didn't know we were gonna have to—

1890. That was a head point improv.

1891. "I'm gonna be Robert Q. Lewis,

1892. you're gonna be Kitty Carwile,

1893. and let's be on the worst show

1894. - no one wants to see. - Kitty Carwile?

1895. - 1955, go. - Would you like to guess

1896. - the secret?

1897. - Yeah, yeah, it's—

1898. - What is the secret, Kitty Carwile?

1899. You're a woman.

1900. - I think that his secret was that

1901. he was into Black Ass Fuckers.

1902. - Wow. - I don't know.

1903. - Did you know that Kitty Carwile was named after,

1904. Kitty Carwile was named after a hotel in New York,

1905. where the pussy was good.

1906. Kitty Carwile was basically a pussy whore hotel.

1907. - Was there any actual facts in this whole interview?

1908. - Yes.

1909. - What?

1910. - That I blew out the tire on Artie Lange's car.

1911. - And Rodney.

1912. - And Rodney's true.

1913. - Man, I'm sweatin' like a fuckin'--

1914. - Me too.

1915. - Whore at church.

1916. - We would be sweating like,

1917. people he doesn't believe it happened to.

1918. - Yeah, I know, right?

1919. - This is, is this going to be offensive to some people?

1920. - I think it'll be offensive to the—

1921. - Most people?

1922. - Yeah, the state of Israel.

1923. - But not your fam, I love the state of Israel,

1924. that's not a state, you know, it's a country.

1925. - It's a country, yeah.

1926. And I support its right not to be extinct.

1927. - My mom lived on a kibbutz for two years.

1928. - Good save.

1929. - Yeah, really.

1930. - Whatever.

1931. - "My mother likes falafels."

1932. My mother used to, thanks for bringing that up.

1933. - Aw, sorry, Bob.

1934. - Well, you're a good friend, Norm, and Adam,

1935. you're here.

1936. That's Rickles, that's what Rickles does.

1937. - That's Rickles.

1938. And Rickles is, I'm proud to say,

1939. because of John Stamos, I've become friends with Rickles.

1940. - I will say this:

1941. - You know, I was very, - So funny.

1942. - I was very envious of John Stamos

1943. being Rickles's best friend, I was like,

1944. "Aw, geez man, why can't I be?"

1945. And then one time I went to a party,

1946. and saw Stamos with Rickles, and I wasn't envious anymore.

1947. - 'Cause it just didn't feel like something—

1948. - Well, he's pushing him around, and Rickles was,

1949. - Rickles is doing better now.

1950. - Is he?

1951. - Yeah.

1952. He's 80.

1953. 80, I mean—

1954. - He still performs.

1955. - He's out performing, and he's running clips also.

1956. He's doing stand-up, but he's also sitting,

1957. and he's running clips from

1958. - some of his best appearances - Oh, I gotcha.

1959. - Which is a smart way to do it.

1960. - You know who I saw?

1961. I saw Jerry Lewis do that, in Vegas,

1962. but he wasn't old enough to need to.

1963. But he would talk for a little while,

1964. and then he'd show a clip from the—

1965. - Telethon?

1966. - From the telethon, yeah.

1967. And then he'd wheeze, and he'd be by the,

1968. because he'd sing a song, and then he'd wheeze,

1969. while he's showing the clip by the piano,

1970. he'd go, "This one's called Crazy Legs!"

1971. And then they'd show a clip for five minutes.

1972. - He didn't sing— - But then, one time,

1973. - He was singing, he was gonna sing a song,

1974. he goes, "I'm gonna sing all,

1975. a bunch of Frank Sinatra songs, alright?

1976. And I love Frank Sinatra,

1977. and he was one of my true friends,

1978. and it would be a good idea, Frank,

1979. if I could hear myself, that possibly,

1980. the audience could also hear me,

1981. would that be too much to ask?"

1982. Everyone's going like, "What the fuck's going on?"

1983. - Oh, no.

1984. - He's talking

1985. - to some guy. - Monitor problems.

1986. - Yeah, he had monitor problems.

1987. - Well he didn't sing Walk On,

1988. because it didn't sound like he could sing that.

1989. - No, no, no.

1990. - He walks, on.

1991. - Yeah, he wasn't much of a singer.

1992. - No.

1993. - But you know, he actually was, I read in Dino,

1994. he was so jealous of Dean Martin,

1995. that he put out his own album of songs,

1996. because he wanted to beat Dean at everything.

1997. - I actually, you asked me who I was in the presence of—

1998. - Dean Martin at Hamburger Hamlet.

1999. - You know everything about me.

2000. - That's where I saw him, was it Hamburger Hamlet?

2001. - That's where I saw him also.

2002. - We must have talked about it, too.

2003. - I don't know, well you know,

2004. he'd always be in Hamburger Hamlet.

2005. - And I'd walked in there, and he had lost his son,

2006. and he was my, one of the guys that just did it like,

2007. that was a guy I looked at.

2008. - Oh, yeah.

2009. - And then he was sittin' there, he was having a martini,

2010. and I just walked over, and I was 22, 23,

2011. and I just kind of stood there, I didn't wanna bother him.

2012. Well, maybe I was 24?

2013. And he was just sitting there and he looked up,

2014. and he was nice, and I just went—

2015. - "I found your son."

2016. - That's it, Bob Saget's been our guest.

2017. Thank you, sir.

2018. - Love you.