Norm Macdonald Live 2x7

1. - Sounds like a fucking pot dispensary in here.

2. - Norm.

3. No I don't know who Bill Bozz is, the name sounds familiar.

4. Oh shut up what are the odds smoke came billowing

5. out of my mouth after half an hour, you really think

6. your audience is that dumb, they're gonna sit at home

7. and go oh my god Todd Glass a half an hour into his

8. interview smoke came billowing out of his mouth.

9. You know I think you tricked me, you tricked me,

10. this is so embarrassing for you, I don't know if I should

11. admit it, he made me smoke pot America.

12. This is the truth, I don't believe in god but my truth,

13. outside he goes come on you'll smoke you smoke you smoke,

14. I'm like if you want me to smoke I'll smoke, I didn't

15. plan on it, you asked me what were those comics back

16. in Philadelphia that was just mentioning,

17. we're gonna answer that comedian in Philadelphia,

18. the crowd's gonna be very impressed, they went all over

19. the place but they came back.

20. - They came back to who you liked when you were

21. young in Philadelphia.

22. - Here's something I do try to do in comedy, and you know

23. I make no apologies about it I love to talk about comedy,

24. not because I think I'm great, because I want to try

25. to be better every year, I like it, so I love to talk about

26. it of course, so I try to at least do comedy, I hope most

27. of my evolving comes from being a decent person, but I'll

28. tell you, make no mistake a lot of it comes from

29. I don't want to be one of these comedians on the wrong

30. side of history, and I fucking love comedy but if you

31. go look at old stuff.

32. - Yes.

33. - Wow, goddamn aren't comedians

34. today going that's embarrassing.

35. - Yes.

36. - And by the way you could say this, well whenever you

37. look at comedy 30 years later, no.

38. - No, Rodney Dangerfield I'm punching the wall.

39. - I'm not talking about whether it was funny then or not,

40. how much of it is racist.

41. - Yes.

42. - Or sexist or homophobic, fluffy the audiences are liking

43. it, I think about it today, because so quickly you can turn

44. into doing the same thing, so you gotta be very aware of it.

45. - You've gotta look into the future,

46. it's like the word retard.

47. - Hey.

48. - That's the word right now because I think people

49. stopped saying gay meaning lame.

50. - Yeah.

51. - However, the word retard is still I think.

52. - Here's the thing, yes I like talking about it,

53. I've talked about it before, and I hope in time I'm right,

54. but I also hope this footage is available in 10 years,

55. some people are holding onto it and it's amazing because

56. before you argue that they should stop saying retarded,

57. I'd like to ask two questions, number one, because you have

58. to find about their past, and if they answer these questions

59. differently I give them the different speech, do you think

60. Jew me down we stopped it because we shouldn't have had to

61. but people are so PC, and if they went that's horrible,

62. you think we stopped saying N-rig which means, you know,

63. or N-rich, or nigger rich or nigger rig, and some people

64. are going were they terms, because well, it's a fine,

65. or do you think we just shouldn't use.

66. - What'd they say when say hey stop with that joy thing you,

67. you're getting spit on it.

68. - So hold on, so most people would say that we stopped those

69. things because it was egregious, I know what I'm saying,

70. and so you have to say.

71. - You have to say another example.

72. - So if the answer's no to those things we stopped them

73. because they were bad, then why do you think retarded is

74. gonna stand the test of time, I don't get why.

75. - Just look into the past.

76. - Just look into the past, it's not about the individual,

77. using someone's being as an adjective how's it stand the

78. test of time, and it never does.

79. - Never does.

80. - You look back and you're like oh, so either is this,

81. but people fight the fight like they're brave, I noticed

82. something, and I love stand up comedy I really do,

83. I love so much of it, but most comedians, there's always

84. exceptions, don't go find George Carlin or Richard Pryor

85. saying something brilliant and say I'm not making sense,

86. but most comedians that are complaining you can't say

87. anything anymore have nothing to fucking say except use

88. stereotypes and sexist and then try to sell it as,

89. you know what if you want to do those jokes because they're

90. easy and I defend you to do them, do whatever you fucking

91. want, but don't act like you're brave.

92. - Yeah yeah.

93. - For doing jokes that 90% of the audience gets, you want

94. to be brave, make fun of the people that give transvestites

95. a hard time, not make fun of them, you're not brave.

96. And I start talking about it and I get angry because

97. it's fucking gross that you want to do it.

98. - You're acting like it's me.

99. - No, no, you know, yeah that's funny for you to say that

100. but you know I don't fucking think that.

101. - I know you don't think that, but you do that all the time,

102. you get very angry and then you're like, and then I said

103. to the guy you're a fucking racist and 20 minutes later

104. you're yelling at me.

105. - At a restaurant, but I know I'm right, but you know why

106. I get angry in that speech.

107. - Because you're high.

108. - No.

109. - No he's not high.

110. - Because I think anybody should do whatever they want,

111. it's not like comedians should fucking do this, every

112. fucking comedian should be able to do what they want,

113. but don't try to wrap it up as braveness when it's laziness.

114. Please just spare me the, show me a little fucking respect

115. that you're not gonna try to sell that crap you do

116. as braveness and fighting for what's right.

117. - How would satire stand up?

118. - Look I think the truth tells the truth and for any time

119. that somebody could legitimately go, well Todd you laugh

120. at that and that's, someone more articulate than me

121. could explain the difference and by the way sometimes

122. even satire crosses the line and sometimes it's brilliant,

123. and my question is to the comedians or some that do that,

124. it's like I'm not worried about making, people go

125. no matter what you do you're gonna offend somebody,

126. I get that, I'm not saying to drop your joke because

127. some dumb person in the audience didn't get it,

128. don't, drop it if the brilliant people in the audience

129. know it's wrong, because brilliant people are out seeing

130. comedy and if you're offending them worry about that,

131. and if there's no brilliant people in your audience

132. then maybe it's your fault, what the fuck are you doing?

133. That your whole audience is idiots.

134. - Well like for instance my brother is a schizophrenic,

135. growing up I always hated any joke about a schizophrenic

136. where it was like a dual personality because that's not

137. what schizophrenia is so it offended me rightly.

138. - Yeah.

139. - Because that's not a what schizophrenic is, you understand

140. what I'm saying, a schizophrenic isn't a person that has

141. two personalities.

142. - A schizophrenic is.

143. - A schizophrenic you know what a paranoid schizophrenic is.

144. - What you're talking about you have two personalities,

145. that's not called schizophrenic.

146. - That's multiple personality or something, oftentimes

147. I'd hear a joke, here's a something, when I grew up

148. I would see jokes on the Tonight Show about and I'd see

149. comics do it about milk cartons with missing children

150. on them, good god.

151. - And here's I think the fear of somebody watching,

152. and at least was mine too, I think crude is funny,

153. I think crass if funny, crude crass it fucking makes me

154. laugh, again it's just be crude and crass towards the

155. right things, because I think what everyone's saying

156. is can't we have a sense of humor, can't we laugh at

157. each other, most comedians that use that line a lot,

158. can't we laugh at each other, can't we laugh at each other,

159. I wanna go of course we can laugh at each other,

160. what the fuck are you talking about,

161. that's not your question, your question is can't we laugh

162. at each other's stereotypes that have been overdone.

163. - Yeah exactly.

164. - You're fighting a fake argument, a paper argument,

165. to make pretend like can't we laugh at each other,

166. yes stop fucking asking that, everybody can laugh at

167. each other, what are you doing, you're just laughing.

168. - Like you're gay, I'm straight, this guy I don't know.

169. Here's something that's interesting I remember in the gay

170. marriage debate right, and the republicans they would

171. have the debate and the guy would go, what's next,

172. if there's gay marriage then there's gonna be

173. a guy marrying six women, you know what I mean,

174. like polygamy, and then people would go, and that's not

175. that gay people would, but what the fuck's wrong with

176. polygamy maybe that statement will not look good in history.

177. - I think when it's two consenting adults I try not to judge

178. - Or six.

179. - Or six, or 12 or whatever it is.

180. - Polygamy's okay.

181. - I would guess and I'm pulling it out of my ass,

182. that people that are into polygamy are tired of

183. people thinking that is part of molesting children,

184. I'm gonna imagine that there are people that are into

185. polygamy that know how egregious that is and don't want

186. to be associated with it, and I would imagine that's

187. upsetting to them the way people lump them.

188. - So you're saying polygamy is.

189. - I'm guessing I don't know.

190. - You're saying polygamy is.

191. - If it's five consenting adults leave them alone.

192. - Polygamy is stereotyped as child molesters.

193. - I think it gets lumped in there, by the way I'm not

194. a polygamist.

195. - The way that the gays were accused of child molesting

196. for years, right?

197. Right, yeah you know the thing is.

198. - Listen man I'm gonna tell you this right now,

199. maybe I'm old fashioned, you know, but you tell me,

200. because you're a gay guy, but I go into a gym,

201. I go in to work out and I want to get my pecs and lats

202. and shit like that right, you know what I'm talking about,

203. but then I go into the locker room, now, the last thing

204. I want to see there is some guy's fucking hot and beautiful

205. ass hole, you know what I mean, I go there to do curls,

206. I do this thing here.

207. - I literally do none of those things.

208. - Go like this, you know what I mean.

209. I don't want to be in the fucking locker room hiding behind

210. a fucking thing staring at the guy's beautiful balls

211. from behind I got no time for that shit.

212. That's a Brokeback Mountain, I thought was a Western,

213. tell me it's a Western, now I'm not,

214. I hope I'm not homophobic.

215. - That's what everybody says that tries to sneak in

216. and doesn't want to admit they wanted to see it.

217. I thought it was a Western.

218. - That's what I thought I swear to God, they told me

219. it was a Western now I'm sitting in the back, where's the

220. guy I want to see a guy with a white hat and a black hat,

221. I wanna see them shooting each other up in front of the

222. saloon the last thing I want to see is a closeup of a

223. beautiful hot cock slipping into an asshole.

224. Now, they didn't show that in the movie, but why not?

225. If they're gonna make the movie, make it right.

226. So I want to be in the back cheering go, go sheriff,

227. you'll get the fucking towns folk behind you when it really

228. comes down to it I don't want to be fucking whacking off

229. on something guy in front of me and cum all over him,

230. he's got cum all over him, and he's yelling,

231. then who's the homophobe right, this guy is so unsure

232. of his sexuality that he's mad at me because I jizzed

233. all over his face.

234. - Norm you've never made so much sense, seriously.

235. It's good to see you got your wits all about you.

236. - I swear to God.

237. - I've never seen you.

238. - I told Laura Joe I would be clean.

239. - On this show?

240. - They keep saying stop being so dirty.

241. - You know what, I don't know.

242. - Do you wanna do some jokes?

243. - Yeah can I tell you.

244. - We have jokes on these cards.

245. - Can I tell you who that comedian was.

246. - Oh yeah we were still waiting to hear about that.

247. - Not that it even matters, but, and I will finish my point,

248. just let me do that and I don't care what happens,

249. so what I was saying was when we went to see this comedian

250. we were laughing so hard.

251. - Yes, can I guess who it is?

252. - Well lemme finish first, I think the people next to us.

253. - It'd be fun to guess.

254. - I think they thought we were mocking them, this guy isn't

255. funny it's not different it's not even funny this guy's

256. doing anti comedy and these people are laughing at it

257. because somehow it's cool to think this guy is funny,

258. but no one really thinks he's funny, that's when people

259. leave mad, it could be something they're not into and then

260. they just go that wasn't our thing, it was the type of thing

261. that the crowd was going they either loved it,

262. we were in high school.

263. - I know who it is.

264. - Or they were like no, I paid money, this isn't anything.

265. - I bet a million dollars I know who it is.

266. - Go ahead.

267. - It's Steven Wright.

268. - No, they got that because he came in from such a big,

269. from two times in one week.

270. - But don't you think not anti comedy but maybe new comedy,

271. I used to see Kennison bomb all the time because it

272. certainly wasn't anti comedy but it was something

273. that no one had seen.

274. - Two things I'm gonna finish, one what I was saying was

275. one they were very excited because of Steven Wright

276. coming because he had just been on the Tonight Show

277. twice in one week which had never happened.

278. - Oh okay.

279. - He was like a big deal coming to Philly, wasn't,

280. yeah it was exciting.

281. - Can I guess again?

282. - Yeah so who was it?

283. - Mario Canto.

284. Not Joy Beyhardt.

285. - No but I love Joy Beyhardt.

286. - Joy Beyhardt reminds me, you know how old Joy Beyhardt is?

287. - Well I don't think she wants you to tell everybody.

288. - It's in her Wikipedia.

289. - Oh she's a lot older than I thought.

290. - 70.

291. - That sounds about right.

292. - She looks great.

293. - 70?

294. - No I didn't think of her as 70.

295. - Jesus Christ almighty when did she break, 50?

296. - I like her.

297. - I like her too she reminds me of your old aunt

298. or something with her funny opinions, you know what I mean.

299. What kind of hand outs horseshit is that?

300. - I like the View,

301. you know what I thought happened on the View.

302. - How do you have a person on a show that believes the

303. Earth is flat and men lived with dinosaurs and you

304. keep them on the show.

305. - Well that I agree, you know what I say, my brother once

306. said you have to have the opposing view if I had a show,

307. you have to have someone on the panel with the opposing view

308. I go, no, you fucking bring it in on a satellite and you

309. talk to them for three minutes and then you fucking.

310. - Ignore it, this guy fucking.

311. - You can't ignore it.

312. - I ignore this fucker when he starts talking about the

313. smoke stacks at Auschwitz and how the shadows couldn't

314. make sense and all that shit.

315. - I love how he answers me, you can't ignore him,

316. I ignore this motherfucker, but on a national show,

317. that's why this is great, because on another show,

318. see Norm this is why what you have is so great,

319. if you were on a show on like NBC they'd be talking to you

320. afterwards they'd go, you can't keep yelling at this guy

321. because this guy's got a manager and an agent and bring

322. him on the show for his opinion and all Norm does is tell me

323. to shut up.

324. - The holocaust happened.

325. - Oh it did happen, that's not my point, don't try to twirl

326. that towards me.

327. - He says it didn't.

328. - I just want to three things.

329. - Do you really say shit like that.

330. - No, no.

331. - That's what he told me the other day, it happened,

332. but he goes.

333. - Fire pit, fire pit, fire pit, fire pit, fire pit.

334. - He goes it happened but the numbers are all wrong,

335. the other night he goes 600 or 6 million it's still terrible

336. - Okay, that's not really you, please tell me that's not.

337. - I just want to say a few things, I don't have a manager,

338. I don't have an agent, I did have a bar mitzvah,

339. I'm not a holocaust denier.

340. - Maybe you would if you didn't fucking, he thinks he's

341. gonna get a manager or an agent jew, with that kind of shit.

342. - First of all I wasn't insinuating you had a manager,

343. I was saying in a situation on another show.

344. - That's not the part I'm upset about, I'm not concerned

345. with you, yeah, I don't care you think or think I didn't

346. have a manager.

347. - A lot of hostility.

348. - A lot of homosexuals died in the fucking camps

349. let's not forget.

350. - Norm shut up.

351. - I'm serious.

352. - What do you think I, I have more empathy now?

353. - No I'm saying he should be more.

354. - Homosexuals what happened, what happened I thought

355. there was just jews, you're telling me there were

356. homosexuals were in with those jews, we've gotta do

357. something there's not enough documentaries.

358. Nobody cared about the gypsies.

359. - I think people were all, some people.

360. - What about this, here's a term that in the future

361. sound terrible, gyp.

362. - Yeah.

363. - Comes from gypsy, comes from gypsy.

364. - I'll give you another example, guess what.

365. - And you know you go and they're great people,

366. they live on the outskirts of town in tents.

367. - I'll stop saying gypsies too, I don't give a shit.

368. - You can't just say gypsies, you can't say gyp.

369. - Don't use it as a derogatory term, you know I'll tell you

370. about a derogatory term that I'm not gonna tell anybody

371. else to not do, because that's when they're gonna go,

372. if you ask people.

373. - There are some great gypsies.

374. - If you ask people to evolve too much they get pissed off.

375. You know in other words I stop saying this and I stop

376. saying that, now I gotta stop saying this?

377. What are you done evolving why are you bragging?

378. I'm done evolving, I'm sorry that's adorable,

379. I'm finished evolving 10 years ago, I dropped a term

380. out of my thing because if somebody had talked about,

381. I like it, whenever I say anything that's soul bearing

382. I will go about my weight or something about god my,

383. something you perceive to be, I would go, I don't mean

384. to be a woman about it, I stopped it, I don't want to be

385. that person, but if you ask someone else to do it,

386. they're gonna be like oh my god you can't say anything

387. anymore, I didn't want to say it, why did I want to say it,

388. I don't mean to be a woman about it, you know what that's

389. saying, oh I didn't mean to be honest with my feelings,

390. but I go, whenever anybody goes I don't want to be a

391. woman about it, you know what they're really saying,

392. people go, I don't mean to be a Jew about it, well you just

393. were, you can't just erase it, oh normally I would pay full

394. price but a little Jew slipped in me, I got a little Jew in

395. me, but not normally I wouldn't Jew you down, I know what

396. I'm saying.

397. - He said that the other night.

398. - I never said a little Jew slipped in me.

399. - I thought you said a little Jew slipped into you.

400. - A little Jew slipped, like I wouldn't normally bargain

401. with you but a little Jewishness slipped into my being.

402. - Oh I'm sorry he was talking about.

403. - Oh you guys shut up.

404. - No way, he was talking about.

405. - First of all even if he had sex with a Jewish girl

406. he wouldn't reference it that way, first of all why

407. would she be slipping into him.

408. - That's.

409. - Oh, well that's going fine, I'm even programmed

410. to say that would've been a bad thing that it would've

411. been a guy, oh this took a horrible turn, a different

412. type of love.

413. - This is the joke.

414. - It was a guy.

415. - But what about this one time when I was auditioning

416. it was the first time I was ever in American and I was

417. auditioning for the Joan Rivers show, so me and Howard

418. were from Canada and we got the show, we got the show

419. along with Mario Cantone, and so Mario Cantone we were

420. at the Hyatt you know and me and Howard Buskang and this

421. other guy are smoking a joint, I'm not smoking,

422. but they're both smoking this joint, so I say why

423. don't you invite Mario Cantone over I'm sure he likes it,

424. weed, he's a comedian, so I phone up Mario Cantone,

425. he says he'll be right over, so he comes over with his

426. lover, clearly they had been just fucking like sweat

427. red faces, everything right, and this is so they go,

428. yeah we'll take some, they're smoking it so fast,

429. obviously using it as an aphrodisiac to go back, then they

430. hand it back, all this spit, now this was in the very

431. serious time of AIDS.

432. - Norm are you okay?

433. I mean I love your manicness.

434. - No I'm just saying Howard Buskang smoked that joint.

435. - What's this have to do with them and their just fooling

436. around, want to hear a story I heard about you.

437. - Yes.

438. - This is two.

439. - Me?

440. - On my podcast I say to George Carlin which means the truth

441. it's such a great thing to go to with an audience because

442. only get somewhere quick, serious, serious, just say to

443. George Carlin never fucking break it, you'll always have it,

444. mine is to George Carlin.

445. - Did you know what that meant?

446. - No I made it up on my podcast.

447. - George Carlin.

448. - To George Carlin, we'll tell someone something and they'll

449. be like to George Carlin, that's our safe word,

450. because we didn't want to swear to God anymore,

451. I like using that comedically.

452. - I had a safe word I was into sadomasochism,

453. now I didn't know when I got into it that you have to start

454. as a masochist.

455. - I don't even, what does that mean.

456. - Well when you get into this sadomasochism culture,

457. I want to go straight to a sadist, but they say you have

458. to start out as the masochist, so anyways I was like

459. alright whatever, and somebody's drilling something

460. up my fucking ass, and they had a safe word,

461. you're supposed to have a safe word, so my safe word

462. was boring, which worked.

463. It was counter, it worked counter to what it was.

464. - Do you remember, hold on.

465. - Do you know who the comic was yet.

466. - Hold on, no, but do you remember what you told me once

467. that your dad went to a reverse

468. psychologist and he told him to kill himself.

469. - My dad did.

470. - That's the best.

471. - He went to a reverse psychologist, he goes,

472. you should kill yourself.

473. The comedian is Gilbert Gottfried.

474. - Gilbert Gottfried.

475. - Yeah.

476. - Oh my god I love Gilbert Gottfried, god almighty.

477. - I don't know what he's doing now.

478. - I remember when I saw him when he was at his peak

479. when I first started, holy god.

480. - Let me explain this.

481. - There wasn't a better comic.

482. - I don't know if he does this every night, but what I

483. liked about it was he might've been doing something

484. different but this is back then, maybe '84, he was working

485. it's not like he was, I don't think it's cute to bomb,

486. you're trying your hardest and the crowd's not into it,

487. I fucking love that, but I don't think it's endearing,

488. oh I'm not, he gave a shit, but they weren't into it,

489. me and my friends, oh my god.

490. - That's my worst fear in the world.

491. - I learned so much about comedy, I just thought if I didn't

492. go back Saturday night with my brother, that that's

493. what he tours and does, that's how it works,

494. Saturday night 90% of the crowd was into it,

495. it seemed like that, 80-90 it seemed like everybody

496. sheerly because there was probably that 20% there.

497. - He must've been at his peak at that point.

498. - He was annihilating Saturday night, I mean it was

499. fucking amazing.

500. - What year was that?

501. - '84 I think.

502. - So he would've been the poet laureate of comedy

503. at that point.

504. - It was certainly mocked in the conventions of comedy

505. way before you know even that time.

506. - I remember he used to do his father commenting on it,

507. almost like the comedians now like Jim Gaffigan.

508. - You talking about Kevin Nealon?

509. - No I'm talking about Gilbert, he used to put his glasses

510. on and be his father, that's not funny, you know.

511. - So he's one of the first guys to do that.

512. - Years before, and then I think you know.

513. - I used to do reverb and I think I should bring it back.

514. How does that work?

515. - I used to have a button on my microphone, are we alright

516. with time, I used to have a button on my microphone.

517. - To George Carlin?

518. - To George Carlin, and the reason that I got it is because

519. I used to have sound man turn the reverb on, but I got

520. tired of doing that so this guy noticed I was doing it

521. in the audience and he said I could make you a microphone

522. so I had a little thing that I had to bring with me

523. like a foot pedal and there was a button on the mic

524. he just made me a mic so I would press reverb,

525. and comment on what I just did,

526. and that was my, and that was even before I saw those guys,

527. but then I realized years later, Todd when you did that

528. reverb that was your thing, I go I can't bring it back

529. now though, or do you think I could?

530. - I don't know maybe it would look.

531. - And then I used to put on the Chinese glasses.

532. - So what did I do?

533. - What did you do?

534. - I thought you said I did something bad.

535. - To George Carlin, someone told me this story, I honestly.

536. - Probably not true.

537. - Well they said that they, I asked them three times,

538. I don't think Norm would do that.

539. - Then it must be true.

540. - They offered you gum and by the way I'm only telling

541. you this because you're my story, I want to let your

542. truth about your rumors behind your back.

543. - No it's fun to hear rumors.

544. - You took the rest of it, and there was like over

545. seven pieces.

546. - Oh I ate a lot of gum.

547. That sounds completely true.

548. - I'm gonna think about who this is, because every time

549. they tell me, you know you don't like people telling a story

550. say he took three because if someone gives you gum,

551. two is even like, three is no, but every time they tell

552. me I say he didn't all of it, to the point where we're

553. arguing I'm going.

554. - I look like.

555. - You can't just sit and take all of it.

556. - I've never been more sure of anything.

557. - You've seen that.

558. - I look like Catfish Hunter.

559. - But you know it's wrong right?

560. - Mouthful of juicy fruit?

561. - Not if it's your own, but you can't take seven pieces

562. of someone else's juicy fruit.

563. - You've had a mouth full of juicy fruit.

564. - No be honest, do you think it's alright,

565. when someone hands you their pack of gum, do you think

566. it's alright to take seven pieces.

567. - I did do that.

568. - Do you think it's alright is the question.

569. - I don't think it's a mortal sin.

570. - Is it rude?

571. - Well there's my point, we'll take a break.

572. - We'll be right back.

573. This is the section where we do jokes but you had something

574. to say though about the book, name dropping or something.

575. - No Simon and Schuester says.

576. - Simon and Schuester he doesn't like to name drop.

577. - Don't be shy about it, here's the deal, when this airs,

578. the more people pre buy it they can't get it until June 3rd.

579. - This is the book.

580. - Yeah.

581. - You wanna put it up there.

582. - No we did it already it's okay, alright,

583. they said don't be shy.

584. - You can't be shy, the Todd Glass Situation, coming out.

585. - If you order it now you won't get it until June 3rd

586. but it helps the pre sales which helps it get on the

587. New York bestseller, so I'm really asking people

588. if you could go pre-order it at Simon and Schuester

589. - Now.

590. - Enough.

591. - This is the New York Times best seller list, not the

592. New York news.

593. - Yes, New York Times best seller list.

594. - I call it the New York News rather than the

595. New York Daily News.

596. - Well that's great, anyway.

597. That's Don Rickles channeling me god bless Don Rickles

598. I know it's in my fiber uncontrollably, that's good.

599. I didn't know Norm wrote a comment on the back,

600. I asked my manager to ask him because you have,

601. we have someone at the same office I didn't want to bother

602. you with it so I didn't know until I got it.

603. - The first time I wrote a blurb for a book.

604. - This is a pre-book so I looked on the back the first day

605. and I'm like fuck I didn't know Norm wrote a thing,

606. and then I go to read it, which I love by the way,

607. it goes, there's comics and then there's comics' comics.

608. Todd Glass is one of the rare comics' comics' comics

609. which means six people think he's funny, Norm Macdonald.

610. - Comics' comics' comics'

611. - I love that, that was sweet.

612. - Alright we're gonna do jokes, this is the section

613. where we do jokes, would you like to do a joke.

614. - Of course I mean I don't.

615. - They're just written out.

616. - I read them?

617. - Yeah.

618. - Reading isn't my strong suit but I'll definitely

619. give me a try.

620. Wow it's not my strong suit at all, so maybe I should

621. just show you how I should read it and decide if you want

622. me doing it.

623. It is announced this week that the Archie Comic book,

624. I don't think I should do it, I read choppy,

625. I'm not a great reader.

626. - I'll read it then.

627. - I'll give it a try.

628. - It was announced.

629. - It was announced this week that the Archie comic book

630. will kick off the character Archie in July.

631. - Kill off.

632. - See yeah, I trust me instincts.

633. - It was announced this week that the Archie comic books

634. will kill off the character of Archie in July, this is

635. disappointing because if there's one Archie character

636. that should die it's that cocksucker Jughead.

637. Now this brings up an interesting point.

638. - It does.

639. - You know what I'm gonna say.

640. - No.

641. - The word cocksucker.

642. - The word cocksucker.

643. - That's gonna go by the way side, is that an old.

644. - That's everybody sucks cock.

645. - I think you're indirectly.

646. - Straight women suck cock, gay guys suck cock,

647. straight guys suck cock.

648. - Let me tell you something.

649. - This guy sucks his own cock, that's what he tells me.

650. - In confidence.

651. - I'm laughing half the time because I think you're so funny

652. the other half is just the whirlwind of the things you

653. throw out.

654. - You're telling me.

655. - I love it, that's great for me in the world I'm in.

656. - That's not good for me.

657. - Hold on, hold on, I like that you're stumbling upon

658. something I know it's accidental, but this, I'm obsessed

659. with what to drop out of especially when you do comedy,

660. especially what to drop out, and again that's a good one,

661. I think comedically though you can always come to a

662. good answer I think you sort of, I might be wrong,

663. I think you sort of just answered it, anybody could be

664. a cocksucker, so the question is why is a cocksucker

665. a bad thing comedically, but guess what, comedically,

666. maybe it's because, maybe when that comment was written

667. it was thought of women as being cocksuckers because

668. the idea of being gay wasn't even out there,

669. so maybe cocksuckers can be.

670. - Maybe it was around.

671. - Maybe you can say I don't care, I have moments

672. of going oh not, no, no, no, I won't be that person,

673. I'll say one more thing because I have said this before

674. but I want to say it again, you've gotta look at the past,

675. see how you react to it, if you react different than I do

676. to the past, don't worry about your present as much as I do,

677. and I mean that genuinely, the thing about Frank Sinatra

678. when he used to make jokes about Sammy Davis Jr.

679. Shining his shoes, they weren't like fuck black people

680. jokes, and I'm gonna go one way but I'm going the other,

681. you could say Frank got Sammy into the hotels a lot of

682. people would say, no you don't understand they were friends,

683. Frank got those guys into hotels, he wouldn't work there

684. unless Sammy went in so they were friends.

685. So you think it's okay to make those jokes, but I think

686. a smarter person would've been, I bet they existed, they

687. did exist, it stood back I know, but why can't he get him

688. into the hotel and not make those jokes.

689. And when I was a little kid I watched those jokes and I

690. asked my parents, you watch it now and you're like

691. oh my god, but back then people were debating it some people

692. would be like they're jokes, we can't joke anymore?

693. I didn't care as a 12 year old I looked at it or

694. whatever age I was going.

695. - Even then you knew?

696. - Maybe I was older than 12, I'm thinking when I was younger

697. but that might be even 18 now you know what I mean,

698. whatever age I was I remember it didn't take all it was

699. my sheer look if I didn't overanalyze it, I didn't

700. know what to say, but I did say this, oh, gross.

701. I don't want that shit in my act, I don't mind if a

702. cocksucker needs to come out, I don't need to go

703. oh my god I can't, you know.

704. These people say you can't say anything any more,

705. you can't say anything anymore, what do they want to talk

706. about oh the retarded fag jew is a cocksucker, what are

707. their conversations like, every time you take an overused

708. term out they're like I won't be able to say anything,

709. what are you saying, you know?

710. We'll be back.

711. - Here's a joke, I had a black guy open for me and I got

712. him into the hotel.

713. Nice guy, Vince Champ, his name was Vince Champ.

714. I don't know whatever happened to that fella.

715. But a nice, nice man.

716. - Arrested for rape.

717. - He knows, he knows, and he's not making fun of rapes,

718. here's where I defend twisted comedy, I swear to god

719. it's making sense, you're not making fun of rape,

720. you're making fun of a guy that's so, whatever happened

721. to Vince Champ, the ridiculousness of it.

722. - I don't know.

723. - Still you commit to the character which I love.

724. - John Madden in there.

725. - What about this Vince Champ.

726. - Let's see what he thinks of this.

727. - By the way did you ever hear what.

728. - I have to tell you a quick story.

729. - Did you ever hear, I hope I'm doing this justice,

730. never mind I can't think of his name but it's

731. embarrassing because I know him really well.

732. - I'll tell you a story, there's a guy in Canada, right.

733. - I know we're supposed to do these things

734. and your producers said five minutes but,

735. I'm just taking the lead from you, so go ahead,

736. they're in Canada.

737. - This is a Canadian story and it's pretty big in Canada

738. right now, and it's not, everybody's like Rob Ford,

739. that's a big Canadian story, but we have other stories.

740. And there's a man there that's a porn star who killed

741. his lover, this guy, and ate him, cannibalized him,

742. after he cannibalized him he put it on video.

743. - This story's in my book by the way.

744. - After he cannibalized him he put a video him eating

745. him and cutting him up and the man was in the throws

746. of death, and you could hear him screaming as he was

747. because he was bound of course, and you can hear the victim

748. screaming which seemed to make killer even hungrier,

749. and he ate his viscera and feasted on different organs

750. and then I mean this guy was a real jerk.

751. - He's a real jerk?

752. Is that the adjective, you don't wanna.

753. - See what you think of this joke.

754. - This guy ate people.

755. By the way thanks for cheering me up I've been depressed

756. lately and that story really makes me think there's hope.

757. - Well not everybody, you know not everybody's perfect

758. Jesus Christ.

759. - Can I ask you a question seriously.

760. - The guy made a mistake, he had a press conference

761. later and he said he made an error in judgment.

762. - The guy who ate the guy.

763. - Yeah he made an error in judgment.

764. What do you think of this joke?

765. - I know what you're doing but I didn't at first.

766. - What do you think of this joke?

767. - No, it's just I'm sane here, what was the point

768. of that story.

769. I'm thinking I'm higher than I am or you're telling

770. stories that don't make sense.

771. - You're very high.

772. - I don't know, let our viewing audience, we have this,

773. you know if we were just sitting around my house.

774. - Your ears are popping and we're not on a 777.

775. - Now I know of course but before I don't think I did.

776. So go ahead.

777. - What do you think of this joke, I'm not sure about it.

778. - So, Al Sharpton said that the FBI hired him

779. to spy on the mob in the 1970's because if there's

780. one thing the mob trusts it's loud black guys.

781. - Yeah I think that's okay, come on.

782. - Well they probably wouldn't trust him so there

783. is something that's funny right, I don't want to sit around

784. and dissect funny jokes, well I do, but I'm paranoid to

785. do it, of course I want to.

786. - What about this one, when I die I want my body donated to

787. science, but more specifically, a scientist that is

788. working on bringing dead guys back to life.

789. - That's just, is that funny at all.

790. That's just a statement, I'm serious am I crazy.

791. When I die I want my body to be donated to science,

792. but more specifically a scientist who's working on

793. bringing dead guys back to life.

794. - Okay forget that one.

795. - I guess that could be funny.

796. - But this one I think you'll really like.

797. - Maybe I'm wrong.

798. - This one is ripped from today's headlines.

799. The search continues in the Indian Ocean for the

800. Malasyian Airlines flight 370 as they listen and

801. try to follow the pings, these guys sound like me always

802. listening for pings, the pings are my Chinese neighbors,

803. Jim and Ellen Ping.

804. Nice people, nice folks, nice folks.

805. - And they'll still be looking for this in May right now

806. people are watching this.

807. - Jim the other day he very nice guy Jim Ping.

808. - They really do exist.

809. - What is this thing you're doing with your face.

810. You have allergies?

811. - No I'm not used to these glasses, but he was very nice.

812. - So you think that's gonna help?

813. - And he lent me is that the face I'm making?

814. - One time I thought you were joking around you were looking

815. at me like get a closeup I hope you had a closeup roll

816. it in now if you didn't get it before.

817. - They're jim ping to conclusions, jim ping.

818. - Jim.

819. - Is that what you said the neighbor was Jim Ping.

820. - That is my neighbor, nice fella,

821. lent me his abacus yesterday.

822. - Jesus.

823. - Oh come on that's not a Chinese guy.

824. - I wasn't saying it was.

825. - That's kind of racist.

826. - I know he's dead but Mickey Rooney did a very racist

827. thing like you just did in a movie called Breakfast

828. at Tiffany's by the wonderful Truman Capote.

829. - I wasn't doing anything racist and you know it.

830. I was just doing like someone.

831. - I like Audrey Hepburn, I don't think of her, I don't

832. whack off when I think of her, but she has style.

833. - Thank you.

834. - Thank you.

835. - Yeah I want to thank you for something that's been on

836. my time for a long time.

837. - She was class.

838. - I was thinking about.

839. - Audrey Hepburn had class but Kathryn Hepburn could

840. hang with the fellas.

841. - Thank you, that was a better time back then right.

842. It wasn't so don't get me started.

843. - No it was a worse time you know why?

844. Because they had separate water fountains for the black

845. people and the Chinese people.

846. - What?

847. - What did they do back then?

848. - Segregated the water fountains you're talking about.

849. I know you're just kidding.

850. - No I'm not kidding, they had segregated water fountains.

851. - I know you're not kidding about the event of it happening,

852. of course everybody knows that.

853. - I'm saying it's a bad thing.

854. - Of course it was a bad thing.

855. They existed as did the holocaust.

856. - I believe that the, alright.

857. My family's gonna disown me, I'll tell you a good thing.

858. - I understand now, can I tell you what I understand.

859. You never said anything about the holocaust.

860. - He did say one thing.

861. - No I didn't.

862. - Can I say.

863. - George Carlin.

864. - No I'm being completely honest.

865. - To George Carlin.

866. - Completely honest this is what he told me.

867. - You have to say to George Carlin or I can't listen.

868. - He said to George Carlin, he said how could there be

869. poison gas I don't know much about the holocaust, what'd

870. they have them inside.

871. - The two of you together just a really giving a great

872. homage to that whole talk.

873. - Inside the gas chambers they put a certain type of gas.

874. - Mustard gas?

875. - No they didn't put mustard gas.

876. - That's world war 1.

877. - It was.

878. - Steve.

879. - Zyclon.

880. - Zyclon gas, now they put that in the, I believe,

881. with all my heart, that they put that in and killed

882. innocent people, he says how is it possible

883. because the guards would open the door and get the

884. zyclon all over their hands and die also.

885. - Okay can I show you, I can do you justice.

886. - Would my guess that you'd say you don't doubt the

887. horrificness of anything that he's talked about,

888. but that isn't how, how would that not happen?

889. - How would that not happen?

890. - There was a subdoor.

891. - But he had another thing.

892. - I don't want to pretend.

893. - He said when the allied planes came over they had

894. pictures apparently of the smoke stacks and he said

895. the smoke stacks drop a shadow, the smoke stacks that we

896. all know spewed out the sad remains of human souls.

897. That once had dreams and once loved.

898. He says it's all a bunch of horse shit.

899. I fucking can't laugh, that's such a terrible thing,

900. but you made me laugh with your fucking weed.

901. - Do you guys know Mad Men's over.

902. - I'm sorry I laughed.

903. - You're alright.

904. - I'm sorry we'll edit out my laugh.

905. - Did you ever get yelled at on a movie, did you ever

906. get yelled at on a movie you know how you laugh once

907. and then you laugh a second time and they'll laugh,

908. but there's a time where have they ever come up to you

909. and say listen this can't happen again.

910. - Did that happen to you?

911. - Not on anywhere that I had to be nervous about it,

912. but like not on a legitimate movie where I would've

913. shit in my pants.

914. - I get nervous when I screw up lines for sure.

915. And I do that a lot.

916. - Do you ever have it happen where someone pulls you aside.

917. - And I read the lines a thousand times and people laugh

918. that's okay but you know.

919. - After a while.

920. - And they're all pros because they do it every week,

921. I just do it once in a while.

922. But yeah, you know I just don't know how 6 million people

923. disappear from the face of the Earth.

924. - Ask this motherfucker he's the one that thinks

925. that it didn't happen.

926. By the way you know the weird part, that's why

927. I think something is so funny because that's the absurdity,

928. absurd is funny, so to me it's absurd but what makes it

929. even funnier, whether it's him or not and I don't think it

930. is, those people exist, my friend Lin told me one night

931. about 15 years ago he heard someone like that,

932. one of those people that really says, you know I'm not

933. defying that it happened, you can tell when they're.

934. - They all say it like that.

935. - They always.

936. - You're right, you're right, you're absolutely right,

937. they always have the something bad happened right.

938. - Well I don't, again, I don't think it's him,

939. but again he went into it very almost, he goes,

940. Todd it gave me a stomach ache, because oh I know where

941. this fucking person is going with this, what the fuck

942. did I ever do to make them trust me that I would.

943. - Don't you get that, when they take you into their

944. confidence, like I have cabbies like that, I was driving

945. once in Toronto and the guy goes, it's a good city,

946. too many burrheads, first of all I've never heard burrheads,

947. - I've never heard that.

948. - But he's, and then I say nothing, so he assumes I agree

949. with him.

950. - What is a Burrhead.

951. - Silence means agreement, right.

952. - Silence is assent.

953. - But by the way, if we said one thing tonight showed,

954. didn't we say it all, silence.

955. - Is assent, you would probably argue with that guy.

956. - If comedically we just stumbled upon that,

957. dumb or not, you could go, how could that guy think that,

958. the point is some people think silence means you agree,

959. that should change the way we all live, right, because

960. when you're somewhere at a party and someone says something,

961. you don't have to stop everything for an hour and a half,

962. but don't let your silence think this dumb fuck agree,

963. take 30 seconds right, I've been silent a fucking lot,

964. I'm not ruining Thanksgiving dinner, I'm not gonna do this,

965. by the way, no bullshit to George Carlin, I talk about it

966. in the book.

967. - I'm in Portland next week and the last time I was there.

968. - Name drop.

969. - I was, they got the driver's taking me to the hotel.

970. And you know they're all hippies, and this long haired

971. outfit, and he said that to me, and I said I noticed that

972. there weren't many ethnic, just white people, that's all

973. I saw, and so he was talking about how liberal they were

974. there and everything, you know, and I said well it's easy

975. to be liberal there's no black people, you know, it's all,

976. he goes we got our share.

977. - See that's why I think a lot of people you know how some

978. people you'll ask them how it is and they think the world

979. is who they circle themselves with, so people should be

980. commended in your circle of friends you don't have that

981. type of hatred, but that shouldn't let it not put you in

982. touch with those fucking people are out there.

983. - Oh they're out there, a swastika is a symbol of hate,

984. it's not an ancient Indian whatever the fuck that is.

985. - It was once a symbol of peace.

986. - We gotta thank we can't go on, because this is becoming

987. just hatred.

988. - I still remember torah portion.

989. - Your what?

990. - My torah portion from my bar mitzvah.

991. - You're jewish right.

992. - I'm Jewish but I'm just saying that the swastika was

993. in fact, it did originate as a symbol of peace.

994. - Maybe you shouldn't say, if he already thinks the other

995. thing about it maybe you should leave the fact between

996. you and your other friends.

997. - Fair enough.

998. - Feeding it to Norm he already thinks it.

999. - A symbol of peace, that what he says when he looks

1000. at Charles Manson's forehead.

1001. A symbol of peace.

1002. - That's not the first thing I think of.

1003. - Work will make you free.

1004. - Set you free.

1005. - He knows the, he knows what written on the walls.

1006. - A lot of people know.

1007. - Of Berkehnall, or Auschwitz.

1008. - Yeah I think it was Auschwitz.

1009. - Yeah you would know.

1010. I apologize to all the viewers.

1011. - I'm not an apologist.

1012. - You are an apologist.

1013. - How'd you two guys meet.

1014. - Let's not go into this again.

1015. - Oh he came, you came to the Tempe improv and he worked

1016. there, I love that.

1017. - You've got sleeve for, just out of the blue got a sleeve.

1018. - Well I was doing a radio show in Philadelphia called

1019. Preston and Steve, put a little wink in there and impose,

1020. put a ding, Preston and Steve, make sure someone does that,

1021. could they jot that down, and I always wanted an arm sleeve,

1022. I never really wanted a tattoo.

1023. - You never had a tattoo in your life, in your life you've

1024. never had a tattoo in your life, in your life.

1025. At the age of 50.

1026. - Not 50.

1027. - 48.

1028. - How dare you.

1029. - How old were you when you got your first tattoo.

1030. - I'm 28 now, I swear to God, and no I'm 28 I swear to god,

1031. I swear to the good lord why would I, see that's why I gave

1032. up using that word, because it's fun in jokes.

1033. No and I did it, yeah I did it I was probably 47, and

1034. I knew what I wanted, and then ironically I didn't tweet

1035. this or maybe I did because it seemed like such an obvious

1036. joke after she saw my tattoo she told me she had a tattoo,

1037. I swear to you, that said no regrets, and she had it

1038. lazered off.

1039. I go Katie do you realize how funny that is.

1040. She goes well I made a mistake, at least she realized it.

1041. What's going on, did you stop doing the show just suddenly.

1042. - Well I just, I just had an.

1043. - You're upset about him.

1044. - I'm a little upset about him, and then I think it's

1045. in very bad taste coming off that to start talking about

1046. tattoos on people's arms.

1047. - I think you started.

1048. All because of you, you started it, I love Norm,

1049. you do the old trick, you do it then you, why would you

1050. be talking about tattoos, oh because you asked me.

1051. - No not your tattoos I just thought it was a little

1052. tasteless.

1053. - Whose?

1054. - What?

1055. - My tattoos?

1056. - No his denial of the holocaust.

1057. - It is a little.

1058. - I don't deny.

1059. - Is there some truth to what he's saying seriously.

1060. - No, I got a tattoo when I was 32.

1061. - No I wasn't 30.

1062. - I was 32.

1063. I think the holocaust happened.

1064. - Do you ever comment on any part of it being exaggerated.

1065. - No.

1066. - Look at his face though.

1067. - I think he's being honest.

1068. - I learned how to.

1069. - I have a family they escaped Stalin in Russia.

1070. - That's what all the guys say, Stalin was the bad guy,

1071. Stalin was the bad guy.

1072. That's what they all say, that's the first sign.

1073. - They were equally evil.

1074. - Whenever guys say what about Stalin.

1075. - I'm talking about my 20 minute story on this show

1076. we talked about later we're gonna look back on footage

1077. and think we're on the right side, this is proof,

1078. that you can say satirize a lot of shit that's fucking

1079. hilarious and I think this is it, I think, I know I'm

1080. over analyzing it but that's what I do, but I'm afraid

1081. one person will watch this and say I can't believe they

1082. said that, then they went on to make fun of,

1083. no the joke here is the absurdity, I think, I hope I'm

1084. right otherwise fuck it what do I know.

1085. He does it I don't think, am I breaking, am I ruining it

1086. by saying I don't think he believes that.

1087. - I don't know, but I hope to God he does.

1088. - To George Carlin, is there a story that you're not

1089. telling us, when you guys were hanging out driving the car.

1090. - I will say his hero is Andy Kaufman, he's always trying

1091. to do, I'm gonna be Andy Kaufman.

1092. - Is that what you say.

1093. - I love Andy Kaufman.

1094. - Me too.

1095. - So sometimes I think he's doing this as some sort of an

1096. Andy Kaufman.

1097. - He should be you.

1098. - I'm doing an Andy Kaufman by saying the holocaust happened

1099. - No by acting like he said it, ask him.

1100. When you ask him he brings up Stalin.

1101. Enemy of Hitler, the man who fucking stopped Hitler, Stalin.

1102. - Only reason he stopped Hitler was because Hitler, I'm just

1103. saying the only reason Stalin stopped Hitler, he was heading

1104. towards victory and then decided fuck this we're gonna

1105. turn our forces towards the Soviet Union, and turn on Stalin

1106. that was just stupid.

1107. - He knows every fucking detail, but anyway, listen,

1108. it's great to have you here, why don't you put up your

1109. book one last time, one last time.

1110. - I don't want anybody at home going you talked about

1111. the book enough, just to prove I'm not joking around.

1112. - You were gonna say something about John Pinapo.

1113. - We were saying that we both had stories about John

1114. that are very sweet about you know one of the last times

1115. I remember seeing John was a few years ago and he was at

1116. the gym and he came by and he brought me a bottle of water.

1117. He goes I thought you needed one too, it was just so sweet

1118. you know and then he goes oh my God, this smoothie's here,

1119. they're so good, I was like oh if an adult could be adorable

1120. he sure is.

1121. - He's such a big baby kind of.

1122. - And we went into a restaurant because he liked being

1123. taken care of I only did it once but man it was fun

1124. to go, I experienced the closest I would ever get in

1125. my career to go with Frank Sinatra, because probably

1126. five people when they went in that restaurant knew they

1127. were getting 50 bucks, so for 50 bucks you know

1128. they're closed but we're still sitting there eating

1129. dessert, take it now there's no hurry at all,

1130. except the whole restaurant is closed down,

1131. all the lights are out except the one table.

1132. - Where is this?

1133. - This was in, we went to do this thing in London,

1134. which I don't remember where but he was on the thing too

1135. and he took us all out to dinner.

1136. - London England?

1137. - Isn't that where it's at?

1138. - That's interesting because I found out about the death

1139. of John Pinet because it was on the front page of BBC.

1140. So did he have a British following.

1141. - I just happened to be there doing this, I don't even

1142. remember what it was, a little TV thing and then he was

1143. on the show too, and we had the same manager at the time

1144. Alex Murray.

1145. - Was it hosted by, who hosted it

1146. the one that Dennis Leary hosted?

1147. - I don't remember to be honest, I don't remember there

1148. being a host, I remember just eating dinner with John

1149. Pinet that was probably the best thing that happened the

1150. whole time.

1151. - He used to bring whole stuff after his weekends in Tempe,

1152. from Cheesecake Factory pie after pie, what a nice guy man.

1153. - It was wonderful how London rebuilt itself so quickly

1154. after the bombings.

1155. - Did they not?

1156. - Well they did, after what I thought, what I thought.

1157. - Socially I'm aware, but politically sometimes I get lost.

1158. I don't want to come off.

1159. - The Nazis.

1160. - Okay you know what, the holocaust happened,

1161. we literally ran out of tape.

1162. - We're done, thanks to Adam my trusty sidekick and

1163. the great.

1164. - Todd Glass.

1165. - Todd Glass.