Norm Macdonald Live 2x5

1. - Tonight, Fred Willard is our guest

2. and we couldn't be more excited.

3. My trusty sidekick Adam Eget is here,

4. and Adam, how cool is it to have Fred Willard?

5. - He's the best.

6. - He's the greatest.

7. - I grew up watching him, I love him.

8. - Fernwood 2 Night, you remember that?

9. - No, that was a little before my time

10. but I remember D.C. Follies and Spinal Tap

11. and all the Christopher Guest movies.

12. - He's amazing in all those

13. Christopher Guest movies because

14. he out-improvises the other expert improvisers.

15. - Exactly, it's a true testament to his ability.

16. - And he really was the best in

17. Best in Show?

18. - Oh, fantastic.

19. - I think he was—

20. - The commentate—

21. - I think he was even maybe,

22. am I mistaken, was he nominated for something?

23. - I'm not sure.

24. - We can find that out.

25. - Yes we can find that out.

26. - But anyways, a brilliant improviser and,

27. have you ever improvised?

28. - Good god, no.

29. - I never have either, I've never tried.

30. I've always thought I should go to Second City

31. because I always felt I could do it.

32. - Right.

33. - You know, but I never gave it a shot

34. 'cause I was always doing standup

35. but I know when I, whenever I go for

36. auditions they always want, have you ever done improvise,

37. they don't care about standup.

38. Second City, Groundlings, you know what I mean?

39. - It's one of those things everyone

40. thinks they can do, I think.

41. People are like, I can do that.

42. - I could do it, easily.

43. - I think I could too.

44. We should try that.

45. - What, an improvised scene?

46. - Yeah, we should.

47. - Let's try one now.

48. - Now?

49. - We have a skeleton crew.

50. We have a crew of skeletons.

51. Sometimes it's very frightening.

52. I was improvising.

53. - That was pretty good.

54. - So I think maybe one of our skeleton crew

55. will just yell out a suggestion.

56. This is how they do it in improv,

57. and then we'll do the scene.

58. - Okay.

59. - So anybody, anybody got a suggestion?

60. - A guy sleeping with his best friend's wife.

61. - Guy sleeping with his best friend's wife.

62. - You want to be the—

63. - Let me think about this for a second.

64. Guy sleeping with his best friend's wife, okay, whatever.

65. - You want to be, I'll be the guy—

66. - I'll be the, what do you want to be?

67. - I'll be the guy who's sleeping

68. with the wife, with your wife.

69. - Okay, so you're sleeping with my wife.

70. Okay and I'm the guy and you're sleeping with my wife, okay.

71. - Norm, I'm sleeping with your wife.

72. - You son of a bitch motherfucker!

73. You sleep with my fucking wife?

74. You son of a bitch cocksucker!

75. You fucking, you're my best fucking friend, Adam!

76. Goddamn you, motherfucker!

77. I'll fucking kill you!

78. You're sleeping, that's what you were doing

79. on fucking Friday night weren't you huh?

80. You fucking bastard.

81. You say you were going to the fucking movies?

82. You fucking go home with my fucking wife.

83. She said, she said she's going out with her friends!

84. Just today, a coffee shop, and you fucking her!

85. You fucking her you fucker!

86. You dirty prick!

87. I lose my best friend, and I lose my

88. fucking wife in the same fucking day.

89. Okay, I apologize, we had some technical difficulties.

90. Got a little carried away.

91. I got to apologize.

92. I feel partially responsible, so—

93. - What the, what was that?

94. You don't even have a wife.

95. You don't even have a wife.

96. - That's true, I never was the marrying kind.

97. I just got, I guess we just both got

98. carried away and swept up in the improv.

99. It's kind of funny when you think about it.

100. Now I mean, now.

101. At the time it was not funny,

102. but now looking back, we can laugh.

103. Anyways, listen, I think we picked a

104. subject that was very fraught with emotion.

105. Let's get a suggestion that's not so incendiary.

106. Does anyone have just a regular suggestion?

107. A prosaic sort of development, anything?

108. - Deli counter.

109. - A deli counter, a deli counter.

110. A man goes and orders food at a

111. deli counter, that's an excellent.

112. Now would you want to be the, the customer

113. or the proprietor of the deli?

114. - Whatever.

115. - Huh?

116. - Whatever.

117. - Okay, well then I'll be the man

118. that wants to get something.

119. I'll be entering the deli.

120. I won't enter, I'll just do it from the chair.

121. Excuse me, good sir.

122. I would like to purchase a sandwich from you,

123. a corned beef on rye.

124. - What kind of bread would you like it on?

125. - I just said I would like rye, sir.

126. And I would like, with that,

127. mustard.

128. I will have mayonnaise on it and I would also like,

129. on the side, a pickle.

130. - We're out of pickles.

131. - You're out of pickles?

132. No pickles.

133. Well then,

134. why don't I get,

135. other than pickles.

136. Uh, oh whoa, whoa!

137. I will instead of having pickles,

138. I actually would prefer sauerkraut.

139. Could I get some sauerkraut on the—

140. - Oh god.

141. - Huh?

142. Sauerkraut.

143. Could I get some sauerkraut on the sandwich?

144. - Sauer, saukerkraut's extra.

145. - Sauerkraut is extra.

146. Well I...

147. - Oh god.

148. - Wait a second.

149. - Oh god.

150. - I know who you are, fella.

151. I recognize you, you son of a bitch!

152. You're the guy who fucked my wife!

153. I fucking go to your goddamn deli every day!

154. Fucking ordering sandwiches,

155. and how do you fucking repay me?

156. You're gonna fuck my wife you dirty prick?

157. I hate fucking sauerkraut.

158. I order fucking bagels, and you fucked

159. my wife, you dirty bastard!

160. That's the last time I ever come

161. to your fucking deli!

162. Fred Willard is with us.

163. Fred is a comedian and actor, a writer

164. and all around funny gentleman.

165. You know him from the great films This is Spinal Tap,

166. Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, and the Anchorman movies

167. as well a his Emmy nominated roles in

168. Everybody Loves Raymond and Modern Family.

169. - I thought you had those memorized.

170. You said I know your work as well as you do

171. and now you're just reading.

172. - No, I was reading off camera.

173. - Oh I see.

174. - Oh my god that whole thing.

175. - I could have put anything in there.

176. - You were in Modern Family.

177. - I, yes, I still am.

178. I need a cup.

179. I'd love one of those Norm Macdonald cups.

180. - Here's a cup.

181. - Oh thank you.

182. - How long is this bit gonna go?

183. Is this gonna be uncomfortable for me?

184. Okay, so we, Adam Eget had a question

185. just to open things up.

186. - I'm just wondering, I mean, you're always work,

187. what are you working on right now?

188. - I am just finishing a project.

189. This is one of the biggest projects

190. I have ever done, it is amazing.

191. It's a spectacular film.

192. - What kind is it a drama or a comedy probably?

193. - No, it's an adventure, it's action, science fiction.

194. It's amazing.

195. - This is a big budget movie?

196. - Huge budget.

197. I can't even quote the price.

198. - What?

199. Who's directing it?

200. - Well that's the interesting thing.

201. It's an action adventure, so we got

202. this guy Spike um—

203. - Jonze, Spike Jonze?

204. - Spike Jonze!

205. At first I thought it was that band leader, from,

206. but I was wrong, it's not him.

207. It's the guy with the glasses.

208. He sits in front at the Lakers games.

209. Spike Jonze—

210. - That's Spike Lee.

211. - Spike Lee, that's it.

212. - Spike Lee did a big budget movie?

213. - Big adventure movie, and there's some comedy

214. so it's co-directed by Woody Allen.

215. They brought him in to co-direct the comedy scenes.

216. What we're gonna try to do is just meld them.

217. Who's that comic, the white glove and the—

218. - Oh Slappy White.

219. - Slappy White, yeah, that's what we're trying to do.

220. We just have a lot of problems.

221. - I didn't think Slappy White would come up.

222. - Here's the thing.

223. A meteor

224. with people, the undead are on this planet

225. and they decide to crash into the Earth,

226. and Bruce Willis tries to save us.

227. - Isn't there a lot of African Americans?

228. Is it a Spike Lee movie?

229. - There's plenty of 'em.

230. What we try to do is

231. these are the ones that don't speak English.

232. So they CGI them in.

233. - The black people?

234. - They CGI'd black people?

235. - Well the ones, some of the actors there are real.

236. - So are you saying like—

237. - Interesting fact, Steve McQueen,

238. I fought to have him in.

239. I thought it was the actor Steve McQueen, it's the director

240. so he's not directing, he's just acting in the movie.

241. He doesn't know, he keeps, you know I don't know what to do.

242. But we got Steve McQueen in the movie.

243. - There's a director Steve McQueen?

244. - Yes.

245. - There's three directors involved.

246. So Woody Allen, Steve McQueen—

247. - He does the comedy stuff.

248. The undead are coming down in a planet

249. they're going to crash in to Earth

250. and then maybe we can get this reduced

251. to disorderly conduct, you know?

252. Very Woody Allen.

253. - Yeah, he's in it?

254. - Woody's not in it, no.

255. - You're playing a kind of a Woody Allen character?

256. - No, no, I'm playing a kind of a guy—

257. - But you just, what are you saying?

258. - Well Woody, he kept suggesting lines.

259. - Oh I see.

260. 'Cause in a lot of Woody Allen movies

261. the actor would be actually sort of

262. impersonating Woody Allen.

263. Did you find yourself doing that?

264. - I tried but I find I can't imitate Woody Allen.

265. - So you're in a Bruce Willis vehicle

266. where you're playing the Bruce Willis role as Woody Allen?

267. - No, no, I don't try to do a,

268. Woody Allen is directing the undead who

269. are trying to crash into Earth.

270. And then I get in a fight with

271. Sylvester Stallone of all people—

272. - Now wait a second.

273. Wait a second, when does this movie come out?

274. - It's coming out either late summer or early fall.

275. - I've never heard of this.

276. Why have we not heard of this?

277. - Didn't want it publicized at all.

278. It's gonna be a boutique film.

279. And what they want to do,

280. first they it appeals to everyone from seven,

281. the young and old alike, but we wanted

282. to get from seven to 70.

283. But we wanted some of the even younger

284. than seven and older than 70, 'cause they have the money.

285. Anyway, the Stallone brothers—

286. Show for shut-ins?

287. - We're gonna get DVDs—

288. - The Stallone brothers?

289. - Frank, Frank Stallone.

290. - Frank Stallone's in this movie?

291. - Why would that surprise you?

292. - But he ends up on my side and he sings the song,

293. which turns out to be the theme song.

294. He's an excellent guitarist.

295. But it's Sword of the Stone, or Flame of the Throne,

296. I don't, we want to keep the title under—

297. - I'm beginning to think that this is not even true.

298. - It sounds a little outlandish.

299. - April Fool's.

300. I missed the April Fool's show you did—

301. - Oh we never did an April—

302. - No seriously.

303. Things aren't going well for me.

304. I have, I'll be frank with you.

305. I have not worked in a major project in two weeks.

306. - Well that's true.

307. That is a long time in Fred Willard show business years.

308. - You've got a point.

309. - Fred, Fred, you have worked non-stop

310. probably since what year?

311. - Even when they call a wrap I'm still

312. doing lines on the stage.

313. Fred go home!

314. They even say that to me at the beginning of the day.

315. Fred, go home.

316. - You know when I see things like,

317. and they surprise me from early in your career, you know

318. like I got the Get Smart whole

319. library of Get Smart and you were on it.

320. - That, the guy I did that with was my comedy partner.

321. They took that as a, made that into a plotline.

322. There's a pantomime bit where a bankrobber's

323. robbing a safe and that comes in

324. knocking the gun out of each other's hand.

325. - Wait your partner was in it?

326. - Yeah the guy, the little rough guy with a—

327. - Yeah who's he?

328. - We had a comedy partner, Greco and Willard.

329. - Greco and Willard.

330. - And they did that segment,

331. they used the segment basis on it

332. and then later our agent called us in

333. and he said, they want to use that as a pilot for a series

334. and we said that's great he says wait a minute,

335. I told him to forget about it!

336. They're not gonna use that as a pilot for 800 bucks!

337. He saved us from our own series.

338. That's the kind of agent.

339. Oh, you're not gonna do for $800 a pilot for a series.

340. - That's what I find Norman Lear shows,

341. 'cause I think he's horrible,

342. but these guys even though it's all

343. this socially relevant bullshit,

344. the actors are so great they make it funny anyway.

345. Like Carroll O'Connor, you know what I mean?

346. - Well it, Norman Lear's trying to be socially relevant

347. but I think most of the audience

348. was laughing with Archie Bunker.

349. A lot of people were laughing with Rob Reiner,

350. you know the liberals, the conservatives

351. yeah, Archie, you tell 'em.

352. - Well I think if you were neutral,

353. you would agree with Archie because he was the funnier guy,

354. the lovable guy, and he usually won the argument.

355. - Yeah, and Rob had the beard and the whole bit.

356. - Yeah, and he was strident.

357. - Yes.

358. - Or maybe we're just racist.

359. But I think, so I think it was a failure of Norman Lear.

360. - A failure—

361. - Well he probably wanted everybody to laugh at

362. Archie Bunker, but I think most people

363. were on Archie's side.

364. - Yeah, but the one thing about Norman Lear,

365. he wouldn't listen to anything from the networks.

366. He'd say oh, you don't like it?

367. Well I just, we'll fold the show, we won't do it.

368. Oh no, no, do the show.

369. So he, he just did everything he wanted

370. and that's why it's so groundbreaking

371. and now it's going the other way.

372. Last week I saw a show that they didn't

373. use the F word and there were no gay people on it

374. I said wait a minute, and this is groundbreaking.

375. There's one show, I haven't seen it.

376. My wife said they said shit so many times in it.

377. She says I just finally had to turn it off

378. there were so many shits.

379. But you know what that is?

380. That's the crutch for the actors, the fuck

381. and shit 'cause back in the '40s—

382. - Did you ever do that when you were in—

383. - No, no, but a couple of times I've had to say—

384. - Your ACME Truck Company?

385. - ACME, I see you did your research.

386. - It's Ace.

387. - I always liked the Ace Truck Company

388. because I liked the name.

389. It wasn't like, you know how the other,

390. what would a normal comedy troupe call—

391. - Well the comedy gang or some crazy cats—

392. - Well that, but you guys went the other way.

393. - Well it came from one of our characters in an interview.

394. He worked for the Ace Trucking Company,

395. and he said you go to there's an Ace Trucking Company,

396. an Ace typewriter, an Ace building,

397. so we just thought that it was funny.

398. What was I just about to say?

399. - You were just about to say that you watched

400. a show that had too many shits in it and fucks—

401. - No, that in the '40s the actors had crutches.

402. They had a cigarette, they had a drink, you know?

403. But now their crutch is they throw in the F word and

404. yeah sure enough fuck, I'll tell you fuck you

405. and then you see, you know you're really doing something.

406. Boy, you're really—

407. - That's the new crutch.

408. - The few times I've had to say it it gets a huge response

409. so it gets so, oh that felt good maybe I should say it more.

410. - 'Cause it's a surprise coming from you.

411. - And when you do see somebody do something

412. like genuinely hilarious, not using that crutch

413. it just becomes that more evident like

414. oh that guy's like Brian Regan for instance

415. where he doesn't curse at all.

416. - I love Brian Regan.

417. - He's completely clean.

418. - Because he's funny.

419. Oh is he your favorite?

420. - Yeah, yeah.

421. - And John Pinette just passed away.

422. I loved him.

423. I never saw him in person but I'd listen to comedy radio.

424. We'd always listen to the things about the buffet

425. and I was really upset, you know he's—

426. - One of the nicest guys ever.

427. - I didn't know him, yeah.

428. - He died in a hotel room.

429. - What are you insinuating?

430. I think you know more about this than you're pretending.

431. - No I'm just telling you straight out—

432. - There was blood all over and a knife

433. and the window was broken.

434. I, my fingerprints were there and I don't know—

435. - All I'm saying is, when you die,

436. you don't want your obituary he was found by a maid.

437. That would not be good, right?

438. - Robert Klein used to say that he didn't

439. want to be identified by his dental photographs.

440. His dental records.

441. - You know I'd be described as an innocent bystander.

442. - He meant to shoot someone else.

443. - You're an innocent bystander, you're just standing by.

444. Innocently.

445. - Let's get serious.

446. There's a lot of world topics—

447. - What about if you die from, this is what I always,

448. this is a big cause of death.

449. You have your heart attack, your cancer,

450. but then complications.

451. Which basically means the doctor fucked up and he's,

452. I thought it was a simple operation?

453. My dad's dead it was a little complicated.

454. - Complications of a cold, what?

455. - It was simple in the book, but when we cut him open

456. there was a lot of red, stringy stuff.

457. Very complicated.

458. Can you ask him a question?

459. - Oh, not to go back to Ace Trucking Company—

460. - 'Cause he has a, tell him about the Comedy Store.

461. - I managed the Comedy Store on Sunset

462. and I always find it fascinating—

463. - The world famous Comedy Store it's called.

464. - We, Argus Hamilton's there every night—

465. - Argus Hamilton, you know him?

466. - I know him, sure, of course.

467. I love comedy, I just love standup comedy

468. and I love it, what were you going to say?

469. - I was just gonna, I was gonna ask you about—

470. - Not a lot of babies named Fred.

471. It's like a name that you don't see.

472. - It's true, it's an older name.

473. - Is it?

474. - Father was Frederick, we named my grandson Freddy,

475. but there's not many Freds.

476. - Freddy must be ten now.

477. - Ten?

478. He's so old he drove himself to the Dodgers game.

479. He's 16 years old.

480. - Is he 16 already?

481. - Drove himself down, this is my grandson.

482. And he's a, he's a

483. rabid Dodger fan.

484. - Yeah.

485. I knew he was rabid, but I didn't know

486. that he liked the Dodgers.

487. - We would put a muzzle on him 'cause he can't bite.

488. Didn't know, don't bite!

489. - I saw him with the cone, yeah.

490. But you had your question about the Comedy Store.

491. - Yeah, no, I was wondering if there were any like

492. interesting stories or what was,

493. do you remember what it was like at the Comedy Store

494. at that time or did you not spend a lot of time there?

495. - I do remember, I mean that was,

496. that and The Improv were the places to go.

497. I didn't go in, I knew Budd Friedman at The Improv

498. so I hung out there more.

499. - You used to wear a monocle also, didn't you?

500. - I tried.

501. - But it never worked.

502. - No.

503. - Do you think that's a good comedy prop, a monocle?

504. - A monocle.

505. Mine was on a stick, you know, I'd hold it up

506. and you know the glasses would, oh my dear

507. and people said it's a bit effeminate

508. and I said no I thought it was a little bit British.

509. - Well Steve O'Donnell always tells me

510. about the Cleveland Barons mascot was a monocled...

511. - Top hat.

512. - Yeah he had a top hat and a monocle.

513. - I forget, I remember that was a minor league

514. hockey team and we were so shocked when we found it

515. 'cause we had, even as a kid we had

516. the Indians and the Browns, and to find out

517. that a local hockey team was a minor league team.

518. - Imagine a hockey player with a monocle?

519. - Well, I forget that, but I did see one game.

520. - I just noticed Ohio has the most racist team names ever.

521. The Browns and the Indians?

522. - Well the Browns I don't think that meant—

523. - Were named after Brown, their coach.

524. - Oh that's fine.

525. - It wasn't racist, they didn't even let black guys play.

526. - No!

527. There's no racism there.

528. They avoided racism.

529. - Now we have a question here—

530. - Hats off to them for avoiding those racialist—

531. - Top hats off to them.

532. There's a question here from the Internet, loose caboose,

533. just a guy, that's what he calls himself.

534. He says starting out, you co-founded a comedy troupe

535. called the Ace Trucking Company.

536. Did you get a lot of confused phone calls

537. from distributors looking to ship grapefruit to the midwest?

538. - No we didn't, not that I know of, no.

539. - It's hard when they're funny in the question.

540. - The question is funny, the answer is very dull.

541. - Well you want to hear another one?

542. - Oh I'd love to.

543. - From Roger's Folliez and he spells it

544. with a Z, Rogerz instead of an S.

545. A zed, as I would say.

546. You're involved in a lot of charities

547. involving pets and animals.

548. But come on, there must!

549. And then this big word, yeah there must be

550. some animals you're not crazy about though?

551. Come on, which ones?

552. - Well I wouldn't want to find out that

553. there's a snake in my bedroom.

554. But I also wouldn't want someone to

555. come over to kill the snake.

556. Rats, I don't, you don't want 'em in

557. your house but they're cute.

558. Po, we have run ours, we have skunks.

559. One thing that bugs me about a skunk,

560. if you could reason with 'em,

561. if they didn't spray, they'd be fine, they're cute.

562. - Well say it's a lot like, reminds me of Freddy.

563. - Yeah, for when his biting would get you.

564. - He'd spray sometimes.

565. - No he doesn't spray, he bites.

566. - He doesn't spray anymore?

567. - But if a skunk you leave well enough alone

568. but every once in a while in our house—

569. - Freddy will love this show.

570. - Huh?

571. - This will be a great show for Freddy to watch

572. 'cause we mentioned him three times.

573. - Once you get him talking, he's—

574. - He's a great, is he, is he,

575. is there comedy in his blood?

576. - He's, you know, he just did

577. and I don't like to brag,

578. but a year ago in his eighth grade class

579. he played Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man.

580. - Oh in The Music Man.

581. - I go well you got trouble my friend

582. and it was my favorite musical—

583. - Robert Preston.

584. - Robert Preston, yes, and

585. my favorite musical and I dreaded going to see it.

586. I said if he screws this up, but they did

587. three shows and he killed it, he was wonderful.

588. And I told him I said Freddy you don't ever

589. have to do anything else in your life.

590. His parents didn't like that advice, but I told him.

591. - That's sweet.

592. We will return to talk more about Fred Willard's grandson.

593. - Let's concentrate on me.

594. - On the Stan Hopper show.

595. - It's Hooper.

596. - Sam Hoo, Stan Hooper.

597. A Minute with Stan Hooper.

598. One of the funniest shows.

599. - Oh that's nice.

600. - And I say that only because I'm here.

601. No, it was one of the funniest—

602. - Norm said a favorite line of the whole series

603. was the line that was written for you.

604. - I wrote a line for you.

605. You were with your son and coming back from a hunting trip

606. and you said to your son, this'll be a great memory

607. that I'll always cherish long after you're dead.

608. He played sort of a psychopathic cheese mogul.

609. - Oh that's right, yes, yes.

610. - The big cheese.

611. - We did 13, didn't we?

612. - Oh yeah, it was a good show.

613. Gol dang it.

614. Biliejones says you're neighbors with Joanne Worley.

615. Is that a treat or a horrible living hell?

616. - Well it's false to begin with.

617. We're not neighbors, we're very good friends.

618. And she is so—

619. - I've seen her at your parties.

620. - She is so full of fun.

621. She comes in there running, hello!

622. - How does she not work?

623. - She does, she works all, she does

624. a lot of regional theater.

625. - Oh regional theater, right.

626. - Individual things, no she's—

627. - I meant actual work.

628. Not regional theater.

629. But I really miss out because

630. Mickey Rooney just passed away.

631. Now, Mickey Rooney

632. you just met him.

633. - I just met him at the Polo Lounge.

634. It was some event, oh it's when

635. the Walt Disney movie opened—

636. - Sure, Fantasia.

637. - Mary Pop, Mr., Saving Mr. Banks.

638. - Saving Mr. Banks, and we were invited

639. to the Polo Lounge to see Richard Sherman play music

640. and meet the cast, and there's Mickey Rooney—

641. - Mickey, you're thinking of Mickey Mouse.

642. Is this Fantasia?

643. - No this is Mickey Rooney.

644. - Mickey Rooney, yeah.

645. - And he was there and I went up hello,

646. but he was at the point where it was like ah,

647. he didn't quite know who I was although I'd met him

648. and then I said I'd love to get a picture with him

649. but I was afraid.

650. I was afraid that he might snap at me.

651. So we went in the other room

652. and I kept talking about my wife finally said

653. go, just sit down and get a picture.

654. And I went and he'd gone, he'd left.

655. And then when I so I saw he passed away

656. I was really, I mean he was legendary.

657. - You were upset about the picture?

658. - No, the picture wasn't, imagine what

659. that would have sold for now.

660. Why, why?

661. No, but I don't want to be sentimental

662. but he was in movies from a little kid—

663. - Goodness gracious so even when you

664. were a child you remember him.

665. - Mickey Rooney?

666. Yes, sure, of course when I was a child I remember—

667. - Because I put him in a show once and,

668. you know on my show and afterwards

669. he said thanks for the gig, buddy

670. and I was like this is the biggest box office guy

671. and he's thinking about me you know

672. but it brought me to think like,

673. I always like to see an old guy.

674. Those guys are the funniest, but they don't work, you know?

675. Just Betty White.

676. - Yeah, because of that commercial she did.

677. There's a lot of old timers that are—

678. - Cloris Leachman is hysterical.

679. - I guess they think

680. that young people won't like old people.

681. Well when I was a kid I got involved with Al Jolson

682. you know when they brought—

683. - How old are you, what?

684. - No, no, not back in the 1920s.

685. I was just a kid when The Jazz Singer came out.

686. I was just, I was in high school.

687. No, but when Jolson, the Jolson Story,

688. Larry Parks, and I said who was this guy, Al Jolson?

689. Very, so I loved old people.

690. I didn't, I wouldn't watch a show with someone my age.

691. Today young people I guess want to see

692. another 18-year-old on the screen.

693. I didn't want an 18-year-old.

694. Bob Hope!

695. 40-year-old man,

696. and Red Skelton.

697. - I saw Bob Hope live and talked to him

698. at, when I was a child.

699. And I watched him, you know, a giant

700. he's such a big star, Bob Hope.

701. So it was at the Canadian National Exhibition, you know,

702. which hosts 30,000 people or something like that.

703. And Bob Hope was just astonishingly funny.

704. And you know, like you can't quote a Bob Hope joke

705. because his jokes were bad, but he was so fantastic.

706. - So brash and just—

707. - Yeah, and you know when I saw him,

708. he moved so subtlely he hardly moved on stage

709. but after a joke he'd shift his weight slightly

710. and I thought later he's such a physical comic in movies.

711. You know what I mean?

712. He can dance and move, but he knew in standup

713. to just do this very subtle, but anyways

714. he's my favorite standup.

715. Everyone says Pryor and Carlin but Bob Hope

716. is my favorite standup of all time.

717. - Oh really?

718. You're right, he wasn't really that funny.

719. You'd listen to the jokes and that

720. and a lot of it was very topical.

721. You hear it on comedy radio and Jerry Colonna, hello!

722. And it wasn't funny—

723. - Well you know the thing between the jokes

724. that you know Carson would do a savor or something,

725. but Bob Hope would do a great thing

726. where he'd do the jokes, stare in the camera, and there'd

727. be fear in his eyes as if he'd been found out or something.

728. I remember as a child I really, always wanting,

729. and of course it was so great when you just walk on Carson.

730. - Yeah, uh-huh.

731. - And he's doing a special next door, you know?

732. - Well we do that with Joanne Worley if we have a party,

733. a Christmas party, she'll be at the party for an hour

734. then we send her outside and she'll knock on the door.

735. Who is it?

736. It's Joanne Worley!

737. Oh I didn't know you were having a party.

738. Jo, could we, Joanne could we coax a song out of ya?

739. And she looks, the first year she didn't

740. then next year she's when do I come in?

741. - Fred has the greatest parties.

742. Fourth of July and Christmas parties.

743. - We invite Norm, but he doesn't come all—

744. - Oh I come, but I can't participate as much.

745. I'm not as talented.

746. It's filled with talented,

747. you know character actors, you know.

748. Larry Storch will be there.

749. Not Larry Storch, Larry Hankin.

750. - Oh Larry Hankin.

751. - You probably worked with Larry Storch.

752. - New neighbor who we love.

753. He lives across the street.

754. - I bet is still alive.

755. - I think he probably is.

756. - Who's who is, who lives across the street?

757. - Charlie Fox, that may not—

758. - Chuck Fox?

759. - Charlie Fox, he wrote the theme music to

760. Happy Days, the Love Boat, he wrote just about everything.

761. - He must make a heck of a lot of money.

762. - I'm gonna ask him sometime, just

763. you know, how much do you make?

764. - What'd Norman Lear say to that?

765. - What?

766. - I say what would Norman Lear say to that?

767. - Who's that?

768. Norman Lear?

769. You'll wait!

770. To that poor, um, I got in a—

771. - I went to Norman, I met Norman Lear

772. one time at the Aspen comedy festival

773. and I come up to him I said, 'cause you know

774. I loved All in the Family, it was my favorite show.

775. So I said All in the Family's my favorite show

776. and I loved, you know, Archie Bunker's my favorite

777. character ever and he said where's the, is the car ready?

778. And I'm like, no I'm not getting your fucking car.

779. I go I'm a performer, I'm a guy.

780. In show business.

781. - That's funny 'cause he always intimidated me.

782. - Then I thought like even if I was the car guy,

783. shouldn't you say thank you?

784. Whatever.

785. This is from Reretired64, re-retired.

786. - Re-retired, he quit once and no one realized he quit.

787. So he quit again!

788. I quit!

789. - Two press conferences, okay.

790. This is what's the funniest food, kumquats or octoroons?

791. - I've, well an octoroon is a person isn't it?

792. Isn't it a, a—

793. - Don't.

794. - Kumquats, I never had a kumquat—

795. - What's an octoroon?

796. - Well I don't know it seems to be some—

797. - Eighth of a black guy,

798. is that what you were gonna say?

799. - Isn't that an octoroon, Andy?

800. - Is it an eighth of a black guy, and who's Andy?

801. You were just—

802. - Yeah who is, who is Andy?

803. - You just said Andy.

804. - I was thinking of Andy Kindler, my good friend.

805. - 'Cause you were pointing at—

806. - I thought he was here.

807. - No, that's Adam.

808. - Adam, well Andy and Adam.

809. - It sounds close, Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg.

810. - Adam.

811. - Yeah.

812. - How could I forget that?

813. Adam.

814. - ForAtalaGalaxy says you and Martin Mull play

815. a gay couple on Roseanne.

816. I remember that 'cause I wrote on

817. that show while that happened.

818. - Yeah, they wanted me to,

819. I saw Roseanne—

820. - And you had a gay marriage.

821. - I think we were the first one on TV.

822. And she and Tom Arnold loved Fernwood,

823. and I was at a party with them and I said

824. wouldn't it be funny if Martin was my boss

825. if I came on as his boss?

826. Oh funny, and then they called later

827. they said we'd like you to come on and be Martin's

828. gay lover and I said eh, that doesn't seem to fit right.

829. And the next year Martin called me he says

830. they have an idea.

831. That you're my gay lover, we get married, and adopt a baby

832. and I said okay that's too good to, yes.

833. And I was scared to death because in the script

834. when we got married it called for us to kiss each other.

835. - Good god.

836. - And I don't know if I'm, what just for some reason—

837. - You were homophobic, yeah.

838. - No, no, no, I wouldn't even kiss you, Norm.

839. - I understand, you're homophobic.

840. There's nothing wrong with that.

841. - I know you're not gay.

842. I know you're bisexual, but I still have my thoughts

843. about kissing someone you've known.

844. It's like kissing your dad on the mouth.

845. They said you don't have to kiss,

846. so we just kind of went into embrace, but—

847. - Yeah, even hugging your dad is not fun.

848. - No I would hug my dad.

849. - Oh that's nice.

850. So you had—

851. - I hug a lot of people.

852. - So you had a nice dad.

853. 'Cause I feel like my dad was of a certain age.

854. That he would not hug.

855. - He would not?

856. - We'd shake hands, he would shake hands.

857. I called him sir.

858. - Did you really?

859. When I was a kid a lot of people had

860. to call their fathers sir.

861. - Yeah sure.

862. - I didn't, I had to come from a fun family.

863. - You sound like you did, though.

864. You didn't come from a fun family.

865. - I did not, I had aunts and uncles who were a lot of fun

866. so that was my comedy relief if they'd come over.

867. - My Aunt Hazel was the funniest

868. and then it turned out she was a huge drunk.

869. That's what made her so funny.

870. But as a kid I didn't know.

871. - Yeah my aunts and uncles were a couple of drunks

872. and one, my aunt was, she'd drink and then

873. she married a, her first husband died,

874. she married someone else.

875. We were at a party and she was like that

876. and he says Betty, wake up and finish your drink!

877. So liquor was a big thing back, liquor and cigarettes.

878. That was the big thing.

879. Did I mention—

880. - One time my Aunt Hazel was drunk

881. that she fell asleep during a party on a chair

882. and at 4:00 in the morning in Canada at the time

883. they ran The Lucy Show from 4:00 to 4:30, then 4:30 to 5:00

884. and the 4:30 in the morning so she just

885. falls asleep, you know?

886. And my dad can't wake her up or anything.

887. The party ends, everyone leaves,

888. and my aunt's still on the chair.

889. And she wakes up and The Lucy Show,

890. she wakes up she goes,

891. she goes, Gale Gordon, what time is it?

892. - Do you ever, are there any funny moments

893. from the writer's room over at Roseanne?

894. - Oh did you ever hear the who Jackie?

895. - No.

896. - Well Roseanne would, Roseanne hired me

897. as a staff, you know, I was doing standup

898. and Roseanne said would you like to be on the show and act?

899. You know, you can be Laurie's boyfriend I said I can't act.

900. I should've said I could act.

901. So anyway she said well why don't you be a writer?

902. But one time in the writing room she would give jobs

903. to crazy guys sometimes and she gave a job to

904. an African American.

905. I don't know what you'd call them.

906. I call them African Americans.

907. - That's those two words that are never

908. heard in the state of Texas, you know.

909. That's a joke someone told me.

910. - So he said,

911. this one guy, so I don't want to say who it,

912. I won't say his name, but he's a writer.

913. He was a comic at the Comedy Store

914. and just a guy, yeah.

915. Not really a writer.

916. So he says, he never says anything in the room.

917. He's there for like two years and finally he goes

918. I got an idea and everybody's like you do, David?

919. Well his first name was David.

920. So he goes, he goes yeah!

921. What would happen, what would happen if Dan came home

922. and Roseanne was washing her big ass in the sink?

923. - It sounds funny.

924. - It did sound very funny.

925. So we go ahh, everybody's like yeah, you don't want to,

926. he's an African American so you're like

927. yeah that's a good one.

928. And he goes, he goes yeah, but he says the thing is,

929. it turns out it ain't Roseanne.

930. It's Roseanne's twin sister.

931. And then, so they say well, Roseanne already,

932. you know, we already have Jackie.

933. He goes who Jackie?

934. He's been on he show two years.

935. Who Jackie?

936. He didn't know—

937. - One of the main characters.

938. - Laurie Metcalf's character that's won

939. like Emmys and stuff.

940. - He was thinking a look-a-like sister.

941. - Yeah he was thinking of a, one of those twins.

942. We were talking earlier 'cause you know

943. in a lot of the earlier shows they'd have a twin

944. and it'd be, you know Serena on Bewitched you know'd

945. be played by Elizabeth Montgomery.

946. She would play her own twin.

947. But, Conrad Bain has an actual twin brother.

948. - That's right, that's a little known—

949. - Little known fact.

950. And you know who else?

951. - No.

952. - You don't know this, Paul Simon.

953. - What?

954. - According to Steve O'Donnell.

955. Paul Simon has an identical twin brother

956. and Daniel Kellison, who you refer to as David Kellison.

957. Daniel Kellison said that he gets all,

958. people come up to him you're Paul Simon aren't you?

959. No I'm his twin brother, yeah horseshit.

960. So he's like all right, I'll sign this.

961. You ever know any twins?

962. There's a lot of twins now.

963. - It's kind of freaky, twins.

964. - Isn't it, what's freaky about it?

965. - Well to have someone, two people look exactly alike?

966. I would be very freaked out if I had

967. a brother who looked exactly like me.

968. It's one thing if it's a fraternal twin,

969. but it's, you know it'd be kind of weird.

970. - I always thought with twins, let's say

971. you had an exact twin.

972. Now Mary Willard, your wife.

973. - Oh here we go.

974. - There could be a lot of—

975. - Wouldn't you go like, how do you not find him attractive?

976. Do you know what I mean?

977. - That's true.

978. - He looks exactly like me.

979. And he's much better at sucking and fucking.

980. No, no, no, no.

981. - A lot of pranks you could pull, right?

982. I'd send him in to make love to my wife

983. and then say the joke's on you!

984. - Bag's on you.

985. That's a hell of a prank.

986. - I like how I said sucking and fucking

987. and you said make love.

988. - Make love, that's, I'm trying to keep the show.

989. I worked—

990. - What, this is what you never hear.

991. He made love to me in the ass.

992. - That's true, you never hear that.

993. Odd.

994. - We're building to the end of the show, you gotta talk man.

995. But he's just heard it.

996. - But the folks at home haven't heard it.

997. - So we're on our way with the rich and famous Robin Leach

998. and I just told you this story.

999. - But the folks at home.

1000. - And it's a beautiful paradise,

1001. but what did he say about it?

1002. - He said Bora Bora why it has ever, no,

1003. Bora Bora it has everything.

1004. White sands, majestic vistas, clear water,

1005. Bora Bora has everything, everything but Tony Danza.

1006. And then Tony Danza showed up,

1007. and then he completed it.

1008. Okay so this is where we do jokes.

1009. This is a section where we do jokes.

1010. It's kind of comic relief.

1011. - Okay.

1012. - So would you like to do a joke?

1013. - If I can think of one.

1014. - Well no I give them to you.

1015. - Oh you give 'em, oh that's great.

1016. - The guest doesn't have to think up

1017. a funny story or a joke.

1018. Where we give them to them to read.

1019. - That's great, wouldn't it be great

1020. if your whole career could be like that?

1021. You went up on stage, here's a bunch of

1022. great jokes that are gonna kill.

1023. - Well that's what this show's all about, so this is

1024. a topical joke about the flight, but you just read it.

1025. You don't read ahead.

1026. - Oh, no?

1027. - You can if you want.

1028. - Malaysian flight 370 is still missing.

1029. You know where they're going to find it?

1030. The last place they looked.

1031. - Now is that the best one, or is this better?

1032. There's two Malaysian—

1033. - That's a joke and a joke.

1034. Why do you find something it was always the

1035. last place you look, 'cause you stop looking.

1036. So that's a joke, that's a com, that's a very bright joke.

1037. - It's not only a joke, it's a comment.

1038. - Comment, yes.

1039. - Now this is a different Malaysian airforce joke.

1040. - The pilot's last words, I've had it with these

1041. motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane!

1042. That could be it.

1043. That's, that could be.

1044. You're giving me these great jokes, okay.

1045. - Can you do an African American accent?

1046. Okay.

1047. We'll give you an African American.

1048. An African American.

1049. - Your mama's so fat she developed type two diabetes

1050. and congestive heart failure, snap!

1051. I don't get that.

1052. That so fat she developed—

1053. - Well it's kind of an anti-joke.

1054. - Oh okay.

1055. - You know these new meta jokes?

1056. - Yeah no I don't know that.

1057. - Well, it's, she's so fat you expect a joke

1058. but then she's just so fat—

1059. - I get it, have you ever seen George Wallace in Las Vegas?

1060. - I love George Wallace.

1061. - Wonderfully funny.

1062. And he does his yo mama jokes.

1063. Oh, yo mama and then they let people

1064. yell jokes from the audience and pretend he's upset by it?

1065. I thought of one, tell me this,

1066. my hey George, my mother is so fat

1067. when she came to Vegas they had to build another hotel.

1068. That's not bad, was it good enough

1069. to send to George Wallace?

1070. - Sure.

1071. Now, I've performed in front of black audiences,

1072. African American audiences I call 'em

1073. and boy they're funny.

1074. Like they yell out funny things rather than just like—

1075. - Oh do they, yeah, yeah.

1076. - They yell out funny jokes.

1077. - I see a lot of shows that just have black comics

1078. and I tend to go by them because they say I can't relate

1079. but if you ever watch they're hysterically funny.

1080. Some really good stuff.

1081. - Sometimes you can't relate.

1082. I saw one time at Def Comedy Jam the guy goes,

1083. guy goes when you got the do-rag,

1084. you know I'm fucking my woman, you know

1085. and I don't want to answer the phone,

1086. but shit, it could be the job.

1087. And then, then you know after you

1088. take the do-rag you wipe off yo dick with the do-rag and

1089. I'm like no, I don't do that, but everyone

1090. in the audience is like yeah, we all do that!

1091. We all wipe our dicks off with...

1092. We're gonna have Adam Eget do a joke.

1093. - And it's Adam, not Andy.

1094. - No, I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.

1095. - You don't hear anymore about—

1096. - In the camera.

1097. - Oh sorry.

1098. You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas infected eye.

1099. Who is stonewalling this investigation?

1100. I'm thinking it, thinking about a year

1101. I would work on my delivery but

1102. it's just not working out.

1103. - Yeah I get it.

1104. - I don't blame the joke.

1105. - No, no, you meant it like, huh?

1106. - Throw a banana.

1107. Do dirty work.

1108. - But you read that like there was

1109. a thorough punchline, but—

1110. - Yeah it's, I think the joke is—

1111. - You don't hear any more about Bob Costas infected eye.

1112. Who's stonewalling this investigation?

1113. - He's a consummate amateur.

1114. - A refreshingly, refreshingly,

1115. it's a good, it's a funny joke.

1116. - What about this joke?

1117. If thinking that women are not funny,

1118. emotionally irrational, and less intelligent

1119. than men makes me sexist, then yes I am sexist!

1120. Another meta joke.

1121. - Is it?

1122. - Sort of.

1123. This would be a good joke for you I feel, Fred.

1124. - Okay.

1125. - Just to the camera.

1126. - Here's what I've learned.

1127. You beat up and toss one 19-year-old Hispanic hooker

1128. out a moving car, and they never let you forget it.

1129. That is funny.

1130. - That's both funny and true, yeah.

1131. - I gotta tell you about a story in Canada that happened.

1132. That's a terrible, a guy

1133. was gay, it doesn't matter if he was gay or not

1134. but he was a porn star.

1135. He was in porn.

1136. He was a porn character actor.

1137. - What?

1138. - No I don't know.

1139. They always called him porn star,

1140. but there must be porn character actors.

1141. - The William H. Macy of porn, gay porno?

1142. - Back in the old days they were the great faces.

1143. The great penises, the great faces.

1144. - What a profile on this one.

1145. - No one can do an impression of the modern day porn stars.

1146. - Anyway this guy was a porn star

1147. and he was gay and he had a lover

1148. and he killed the lover and ate part of him

1149. and then the rest of him he cut up and he sent

1150. pieces of this guy's body to school children

1151. and some of the pieces, I mean this guy was a real jerk.

1152. All right here's a joke.

1153. Oh I don't think you should do this joke.

1154. I don't know.

1155. I don't think anyone should do this joke.

1156. Should anyone do this joke?

1157. - I remember a joke you did on

1158. I think it was David Letterman.

1159. You said David, have you ever seen a gay porn,

1160. you watch adult films and Dave said yeah,

1161. you said have you ever seen the one with all men?

1162. He says yeah, the gay ones.

1163. You said they're awful!

1164. Made it sound like they couldn't get any women.

1165. They just have nothing, they just couldn't get any women

1166. but we'll do a porn movie.

1167. It's not gonna go, no one's gonna put money into this.

1168. - I think that's you.

1169. I don't think I said that.

1170. - This was a poor rental choice.

1171. - I think you made that funnier than I.

1172. But it is true that straight pornos

1173. are the best things ever and gay pornos are the worst.

1174. - They're not good.

1175. - They're not good at all.

1176. That's too dirty, let's do a nice joke to clean it up.

1177. - Opinions are like assholes.

1178. Neil Patrick Harris wants to stuff—

1179. See you should've let me read this ahead.

1180. Opinions are like assholes.

1181. Neil Patrick Harris wants to stuff his cock in them.

1182. Oh wait, that's just assholes.

1183. It didn't get a laugh, but I'm laughing.

1184. That's very funny.

1185. - Oh, have you ever heard of the genre of jokes,

1186. the Adam Eget jokes?

1187. - No.

1188. - They're jokes about Adam Eget.

1189. - Oh oh, no I have not.

1190. - Have you met Adam Eget?

1191. So here's an Adam Eget joke for instance.

1192. - April 15 is around the corner

1193. and Adam Eget asked his accountant for his extension.

1194. Oh sorry, that's his penis surgeon.

1195. See April 15th is around the corner.

1196. Adam Eget asked his accountant for his extension.

1197. Oh sorry, that's his penis surgeon.

1198. Oh that's his penis surgeon.

1199. - That wants an extension.

1200. He famously has a small cock.

1201. - For his...

1202. For his taxes and...

1203. He ask his accountant for his tax extension,

1204. oh I'm sorry, he asked his surgeon for his penis extension.

1205. Just had to reword that.

1206. - Yeah.

1207. Well, the show is over.

1208. We're done, thanks to the great Fred Willard.

1209. - I thought this would never end.