Norm Macdonald Live 2x4

1. - Hey Adam are you around?

2. Adam?

3. - Yeah?

4. - Hey can you come in here buddy?

5. - Yeah.

6. Hey what's up?

7. - Listen, Adam, I have something to talk to you

8. of sort of a delicate nature.

9. - Alright.

10. - You know Dylan?

11. - Dylan, yeah, your son?

12. - Yes.

13. Have you noticed anything about his

14. work ethic around here lately?

15. - No not really.

16. - You're telling me you haven't noticed anything

17. about my son Dylan's work ethic around here lately?

18. - Yeah I mean,

19. I just didn't really think it was my place to say.

20. - You're telling me you haven't noticed

21. he's a lazy uninspired bum?

22. - Well I mean yeah he's pretty bad.

23. - Really bad.

24. I think he's the worst.

25. He's never gotten a single joke on this show.

26. - He's terrible.

27. - Yes he is.

28. Adam, I've decided something.

29. - What's that?

30. - I'm gonna fire him.

31. Give him the boot.

32. - Really?

33. - Uh huh.

34. - Can't say he'll be missed.

35. - But listen here now, he's a very sensitive kid, ya know?

36. And he's just young, ya know?

37. The last time he got fired he really took it hard.

38. He was a cashier.

39. - He got fired from a cashier's job?

40. - Yeah.

41. - Seems pretty hard to do.

42. - He was embezzling a lot of money.

43. - Oh, that'll do it.

44. - Yeah, I still remember it.

45. He cried for seven days straight.

46. - Sounds kinda like a baby.

47. I have no job!

48. - Hey now wait a minute!

49. The point is I wanna fire him,

50. but I don't wanna break his spirit you understand?

51. - You know what you should try?

52. - What's that?

53. - Compliment sandwich.

54. - Never heard of it.

55. What is it?

56. - Well Norm a compliment sandwich.

57. It's a criticism, it's sandwiched between two compliments.

58. Hence the phrase compliment sandwich.

59. - I think maybe I understand.

60. So it would be like if I said to you, you're a tall man,

61. you're not a funny man but I like your tie.

62. - Well now I just feel like you're just

63. trying to compliment sandwich me

64. and this isn't about me it's about your son Norm.

65. - Just take a compliment sandwich would ya?

66. Geez.

67. It's like a guy's never had a compliment sandwich before.

68. Okay scram.

69. Hey if you see Dylan would you tell him to come in here?

70. - Good talk.

71. - I gotta fire him.

72. - Dylan!

73. Your father wants you.

74. - Hey pops, Adam told me to come out?

75. - Oh yeah Dylan.

76. Well uh listen, I gotta talk to you alright?

77. - Alright try to make it quick though

78. 'cause I'm taking off pretty soon.

79. - You're taking off?

80. - Yeah I know.

81. - The podcast is beginning in 10 minutes.

82. - Yeah but I've been working hard all day,

83. probably gonna head on out.

84. - All day, you've been here 30 minutes.

85. - Well you know what they say,

86. last to come first to leave.

87. - Nobody says that!

88. - Oh I say it all the time.

89. Almost every day.

90. - Okay now listen.

91. - Alright.

92. - This is hard for me to do but I gotta do it.

93. Okay?

94. Now uh, well first of all I really like your hat,

95. the way you have it backwards.

96. - This old thing?

97. - Yep.

98. - Oh my goodness.

99. I just grabbed this you'll never believe it,

100. walking out of the house today.

101. Just grabbed it.

102. Wasn't even gonna wear it and look at that,

103. changed my whole day.

104. - Your work sucks.

105. Dylan?

106. - Sorry I was thinking about the hat.

107. It was just such a nice thing to say,

108. I really appreciate it.

109. And you know what?

110. It is a great hat.

111. I'm just, I'm happy now.

112. - I like your sweater.

113. - Ah, the sweater too?

114. Wow, same story.

115. Walking out, felt a little breeze, went in, grabbed it.

116. - Okay let me try this again, alright?

117. - Alright.

118. - You're a good dresser.

119. - Yeah, I mean.

120. - You're work is absolutely abysmal!

121. - Do you think I could be a model?

122. - Do I?

123. What?

124. - I mean, I'm a good dresser.

125. The hat?

126. I mean it really says it all,

127. and it means so much coming from you.

128. - I like your shirt that's underneath the sweater.

129. - Yeah, no it's good, really brings the outfit together.

130. - Okay listen.

131. Are those your jokes that you wrote today?

132. - Yep, yep, yep

133. - Okay.

134. - Been cracking em out.

135. - Okay, I am going to prove something right now.

136. Read the jokes to me.

137. - Alright, I think you'll like these.

138. Been working pretty hard.

139. Remember kids,

140. a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.

141. Unless he has candy in which case he's probably a pedophile.

142. - So.

143. Maybe not that one.

144. I'm on a seafood diet.

145. I see food, and if it's a fish I eat it.

146. - Meta.

147. - Yeah, so.

148. - I hate meta.

149. - Someone once told me that today is not opposite day.

150. But that's exactly what they told me last opposite day.

151. - Math.

152. - I crack myself up,

153. I think that's what's important in life.

154. A journey of a 1000 miles begins with your first step,

155. but ends with you collapsing 1000 miles away,

156. pry in some desert somewhere.

157. - It's not that bad.

158. Well, okay let me see these.

159. - Here you go.

160. You gonna use em on the show?

161. - I'm not gonna use them on the show.

162. Well let me start by saying that

163. you're a wonderful dresser and...

164. - Oh my gosh that's it.

165. You know what?

166. I have a reputation to uphold now.

167. You've really inspired me, the hat compliment,

168. the shirt compliment, the undershirt compliment.

169. People are gonna start expecting me

170. to look this good every day.

171. And you know what?

172. I'm gonna go shopping.

173. - What?

174. - Yep, I'm taking off.

175. But I will need your credit card.

176. - You'll need my.

177. - Yeah.

178. So, I'm gonna buy, you know, pry a lot more clothes.

179. Alright?

180. Cool thanks and I'll be back later this week

181. and I'll bring you some more of those gems.

182. - Adam Eget!

183. - Yeah?

184. - Would you come in please?

185. - What's up?

186. How'd it go?

187. - I just wanted to uh,

188. I just wanted to compliment you.

189. Yes, you have a very nice tie.

190. And I like your shirt.

191. - I just bought it.

192. He liked my shirt.

193. I'll go to Zara more often.

194. It's chilly in here.

195. Hey can I get some more water?

196. - Our guest tonight for the full hour,

197. Hollywood legend Carl Reiner,

198. won nine Emmys and one Grammy award.

199. - My mother would be so upset because I won 12

200. and she always used to get upset if somebody wrote nine.

201. And she used to argue with the people in the park,

202. "No he won 12."

203. - He has won a dozen Emmy awards during his career

204. as a stand-up actor, director, producer, and writer.

205. Worked on Sid Caesar's Your Show of Shows.

206. Also the Steve Allen Show, the Dick Van Dyke Show.

207. Directed and co-wrote The Jerk

208. and Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

209. Played Saul Bloom in Ocean's 11, 12, and 13.

210. His books, I Remember Me, and I Just Remembered

211. are on Amazon.

212. It winded me that, uh.

213. - You did very well.

214. - Thank you.

215. That's more work than I've ever done

216. and it's just what you've done.

217. So, uh.

218. - By the way.

219. - Yes.

220. - When somebody asked me about you I said I always

221. remember you as the man with the perfect perpetual smile.

222. You are a smiling person, and that's true isn't it?

223. - That's not good for comedy is it?

224. - No it's wonderful.

225. - It is?

226. - It's wonderful, yeah.

227. Because we're here to have fun.

228. - I'm happy, you know?

229. People go, comedians are miserable.

230. - I know.

231. - Are you, were you miserable?

232. - On no, I'm a happy comedian.

233. - Yeah, what about you?

234. Well he's not a comedian really.

235. - No, I'm pretty miserable.

236. - He is a filthy bum.

237. - Oh.

238. - No.

239. You know what he is, is,

240. he's a comedy manager at the world famous Comedy Store.

241. - Oh really?

242. - Yeah.

243. - Oh, more people were discovered at that Comedy Store.

244. - Now they have the world famous Comedy Store,

245. they have comedy clubs everywhere.

246. Woo.

247. But uh, now a person can go into comedy as a life choice.

248. A career, a business.

249. - Right.

250. - When you started, such was not the case I measure.

251. - Well I didn't start in comedy, I started as an actor.

252. Actor.

253. - Uh huh.

254. - No I was 17 years old and my, this is interesting.

255. my brother found a little ad in the New York Daily news,

256. free acting classes for would-be actors,

257. the WPA, Works Progress Administration.

258. You know they say get the government off the peoples backs.

259. No that's were the people belong, when they need help.

260. the government wants to, Franklin Roosevelt gave us help.

261. Artists learn to paint, not learn to paint,

262. but made money, painting the murals on the post offices.

263. Musicians became musicians.

264. And I went to an acting school where, I was 17 years old,

265. and it's 100 Center Street New York, I remember 'cause

266. I got married in the same place years later.

267. But there was Mrs. Whitmore an old English actress

268. who gave us acting lessons for free.

269. Of course the WPA, the government paid for it.

270. The NYA radio workshop, also government sponsored.

271. I learned, 22 dollars a month they gave

272. us as a salary to do radio shows.

273. - Now how did your parents respond to such a wild idea?

274. - My parents were all for it.

275. - Really?

276. - They were so proud of, they...

277. - This, what year was this 19?

278. - 39.

279. - 1939, war about to break out in Europe.

280. - Yes, you know it's funny when I mention Mrs. Whitmore.

281. An old english actress and I'll never forget

282. the first day there, she said, "We're going to learn

283. "a soliloquy from Hamlet but we're not going to do

284. "the regular soliloquies, we want everyone in the class

285. "to learn Queen Gertrude's speech at the death of Ophelia.

286. "Boys and girls will learn that."

287. You can wake me up in the middle of the night.

288. "There is a willow grows aslant a brook

289. "that shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream.

290. "There with fantastic garlands did she come

291. "with crowflowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples

292. "that liberal shepherds give a grosser name,

293. "but our cold maids do 'dead men's fingers' call them.

294. "There, upon the coronet clambering to hang

295. "an envious sliver broke when down her weedy trophies

296. "and herself fell into the weeping brook.

297. "Her clothes spread wide and mermaid-like

298. "at which time she chanted snatches of old tunes

299. "as one incapable of her own distress

300. "but then the poor wretch was pulled from her melodious lay

301. "to muddy death."

302. Now look at that?

303. - Oh my goodness.

304. - And I haven't said that in days, no.

305. - It makes me want to wake you up tonight.

306. Now uh this I what I was wondering,

307. because I was telling you earlier,

308. you know my son and I watch the Dick Van Dyke show.

309. And um I don't know where I'll go with this, but hey.

310. - No, you know what?

311. Something, you said something that when I wrote this book

312. I Remember Me,

313. "I'm often asked which of the theatrical projects

314. "I'm most proud of I answered creating

315. "the Dick Van Dyke Show, hands down."

316. - Uh huh.

317. - And I put that in because I didn't write anything about

318. the show, but that show is the thing that informs who I am.

319. Because you know, it was about me.

320. As a matter of fact one of things about that show

321. that thrills me more than anything, young people come up

322. to me, it happened then when I first wrote it,

323. and it happens now with reruns, people say,

324. you know I wouldn't be a writer if

325. it wasn't for the Dick Van Dyke show,

326. and these are young kids who are funny.

327. And they never thought of getting up.

328. They thought comedians are you know, make it up themselves.

329. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

330. - Somebody writes it for them?

331. - Yeah, yeah.

332. - But maybe dozens and dozens of kids said back then

333. and now, same thing, because the reruns.

334. - There's a number of wonderful things about Dick Van Dyke

335. but one thing I noticed once I got into show business

336. was how true it was to the backstage of show business.

337. You had Mel Cooley the bum, Alan Brady's brother-in-law

338. that had the job for no reason, and that really exists.

339. And the star was an egotist ya know?

340. - Yeah.

341. - And what I really loved was that the neighbors, uh.

342. - Millie and Jerry Helper.

343. - Millie and Jerry, they all made fun of it,

344. they didn't really like the show.

345. - Yeah that's funny.

346. Millie and Jerry were my dearest friends.

347. They were Millie and Jerry Scholbaum.

348. - Uh huh.

349. - I named them after them, from New Rochelle.

350. It was all based on my life living in New Rochelle

351. but working in show business.

352. - So did you have times when you

353. had to write the school play and sort of thing?

354. - No, but I was always called upon to do those kinda things.

355. - But it's an amazing show.

356. But about the Dick Van Dyke show also.

357. It was, this is an argument I always have with my friends,

358. 'cause nowadays its all young kids on TV.

359. Now when I was a young kid I watched older people.

360. I watched the Dick Van Dyke Show, Get Smart,

361. the Beverly Hillbillies, which my high tone friends

362. tell me was not a good show but I loved.

363. And they were all old people you see?

364. - I know.

365. - And my son, I brought him up on those shows.

366. He didn't want to see an 18 year old.

367. - The world has changed there's no question about it.

368. - You don't think that, you don't think that

369. it would still work with experienced actors, comic actors?

370. - Of course.

371. - Yeah.

372. - Anything that is quality always works.

373. Real quality gets in there somehow it sneaks in.

374. - But if you take young actors and young writers

375. compared to experienced actors and experienced writers

376. which would be the better show?

377. - I imagine the experienced writers.

378. - I imagine so huh?

379. - Or young brilliant writers.

380. There are young brilliant writers who have watched

381. what has happened before.

382. - It's copying, it's a copying machine.

383. - I cannot not, not mention this.

384. - Yes the JC in your tie.

385. - Now Jesus Christ did not wear a tie, we know that.

386. - No he wore sandals.

387. - So who else was JC?

388. - Who else other than Jesus Christ?

389. - Yes.

390. - Jimmy Caan.

391. - How about Johnny?

392. - Johnny Carson!

393. - That's right this is his tie.

394. - No it's not.

395. - Yes and in honor of him I wore to your show because.

396. - Because I'm the new Johnny Carson?

397. - That's exactly right.

398. - Holy cow!

399. Wow have you read the book by bombastic Bushkin?

400. - No, I have it, it's lying on my bed, I'm going to read it.

401. Did you read it?

402. - It was amazing.

403. It makes you want to never have a lawyer.

404. Because his contention was, well he's dead,

405. now I can write whatever I want.

406. - Oh Johnny, I love Johnny.

407. We played poker together and I just loved him.

408. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

409. Who was older?

410. - He was probably, well I don't know,

411. how old was he when he died?

412. He must have been a little older.

413. - Yeah.

414. - I'm 92 now, I don't know.

415. But you know Johnny, I wrote a thing about Johnny,

416. I was on his show 47 times, his show, and that little

417. chapter about him is funny because Tony Randall

418. lived in New York, was on the show 79 times,

419. that was a record, nobody will ever touch that.

420. - Yeah, yeah, because he would, he would go on

421. when he was 90 and do sketches.

422. - But I remember in last weeks he was going on,

423. he invited me to be one the last,

424. you know, Mel was the last I think.

425. - Yeah.

426. - He the very first one and always the last one.

427. But about the last week I went on and I said

428. gee ya know 47 times I been on your show, I said,

429. I know I'll never touch Randall,

430. but I said 47 times it's not a round number,

431. I want to be able to say I was on Johnny's 50 times.

432. - Yes.

433. - So I said, would you do me a favor?

434. I really swung it on him.

435. I says would you introduced me three times?

436. I'll come out three times and I'll just show the.

437. So he did, and here he is I do my little dance,

438. I came out and sat down and he'd ask me a question

439. and I ran off took my jacket off and put it on backwards,

440. you know, inside out, and he introduced me again,

441. I did a different dance, and we did it three times.

442. The last time I came with it like Sinatra,

443. carrying it over my shoulder, so I looked.

444. But he was so sweet about that.

445. - That's awesome.

446. You know it's funny you mention Mel,

447. you were talking about Mel Brooks and Tony Randall

448. and yourself, all older now but still hysterically funny.

449. Others not so.

450. Like for instance, Dick Van Dyke.

451. - No, Tony is not funny anymore.

452. - Tony Randall is dead?

453. - Yes.

454. You lose so much humor after you die.

455. He just lays there.

456. - That's true.

457. - But what are you gonna say?

458. - Okay I was gonna say guys like Dick Van Dyke

459. or Sid Caesar, they don't seem funny?

460. You know, I know Sid Caesars also dead,

461. but uh, you know, they somehow lost it for some reason.

462. Or maybe they chose not to do it?

463. - Well no, Sid was, Sid set the template for everybody.

464. I mean there would be no comedy without Sid.

465. Greatest sketch comedian that ever lived.

466. - What about Nora Dunn?

467. - Now you're talking.

468. But off stage none of these guys, Dick, very serious.

469. - I'm talking about on stage.

470. I've seen Sid Caesar interviewed.

471. - Oh yeah.

472. Nothing.

473. - Sid, if Sid had to say his name he could fumble it.

474. Tell him we has a German astronaut, he could.

475. He was very shy about who he was.

476. He and Imogene never spoke, they were both so shy.

477. - Wow, you wouldn't think that huh.

478. But off stage.

479. But if you said here he is the greatest so and so,

480. he would come up with a character.

481. - And Dick Van Dyke I suppose was never really a comedian,

482. but more of actor.

483. - Dick Van Dyke is the most gifted actor I've ever met.

484. - That's why it always made me laugh when I'd see the

485. Dick Van Dyke show and Dick Van Dyke would be pitching,

486. I mean Rob Petrie would be pitching

487. something for Alan to do.

488. He would go no, he'll be a bowling pin.

489. And you go Alan Brady could never do that.

490. - I know, I know.

491. By the way everybody thought that Alan Brady

492. was Sid Caesar, he wasn't.

493. Sid Caesar was a pussycat.

494. Alan Brady was a combination of three guys.

495. Jackie Gleason, who has never spoke to his writers.

496. They wrote the show and put it under his doorstep.

497. - Oh, real son of a bitch.

498. - Never spoke to his writers.

499. Then there was a guy named Phil Silvers who played.

500. - I love Phil Silvers.

501. - Yeah but he played a character called, in Top Banana,

502. he played a combination of Milton Berle and those guys.

503. So he gave her the template.

504. But Milton Berle was a guy who whistled,

505. yelled at everybody.

506. - Son of a bitch.

507. - But everybody thought it was Sid.

508. Sid was a pussycat.

509. - Now wait a minute because Phil Silvers,

510. You Never Get Rich?

511. I love Phil Silvers, now you're telling me he was a bad guy?

512. - No no!

513. - He was playing a bad guy.

514. - He played a bad guy.

515. - I gotcha.

516. He made it, so that's the guy who became Alan Brady.

517. - Uh huh.

518. - Alan was nuts.

519. Everybody said Sid was.

520. We went to lunch together for nine years,

521. so you know he had to be a nice man.

522. - Now I saw on Nick at Night or one of those things,

523. they showed the first episode

524. where you were the star of the show.

525. - Well when I finished doing The Show of Shows

526. somebody came to me and said situation comedy is king now.

527. Horses and guns were in and so I uh,

528. they would offer some of them.

529. They weren't very good and my wife in her infinite wisdom

530. said, why don't you write one?

531. I said I don't know.

532. And I remember this, I've told this story before

533. but is it worth telling again?

534. 96th Street and West End avenue, I talk to myself,

535. I recommend that highly, I said Reiner, I never used

536. my first name, Reiner what piece of ground do you stand on?

537. - But you're not a formal?

538. - No no no.

539. What piece of ground do you stand on nobody else stands on?

540. Well I live in New Rochelle, I work in New York

541. as an actor, writer on the Show of Shows.

542. Write about that.

543. So I wrote a show called Head of the Family.

544. Oh and I got it picked up,

545. and Peter Lawford put up money for the pilot.

546. And so I said well if I'm going to do a pilot

547. I better have 13, I better have more episodes.

548. - Peter Lawford?

549. - Peter Lawford, yeah, he put up the money

550. for the original pilot.

551. So I said, but other writers are gonna come after me.

552. I better have a template for them.

553. So I wrote 13 shows in Fire Island about six weeks.

554. I came and I did the first show.

555. It was okay, with Morty Gunty and Silvia Miles

556. and a girl named Barbara Britton played my wife.

557. Didn't work.

558. Put it aside, started writing movies, Doris Day movie.

559. And Sheldon Leonard and Danny Thomas saw these scripts,

560. my agent was, it was killing him, the gold was lying

561. on his desk, so he offered it to him, and they called me in.

562. - You knew it was good.

563. - Oh yes, I said it's classic, I never,

564. I poured my heart into it.

565. But I was so angry that nobody, I said if they don't

566. want it they don't deserve it.

567. And so Sheldon called me in and he said,

568. we read your scripts.

569. I said Sheldon I don't want to fail

570. with the same material twice.

571. And here's a good impression, he says,

572. "You won't fail, we'll get a better actor to play you."

573. And he suggested Dick Van Dyke.

574. - Sheldon Leonard, do you remember him?

575. - I don't.

576. - He was a tough old guy.

577. - He was a racetrack tout, he played on.

578. - Kind of a Runyonesque character.

579. - Yeah Runyonesque, brilliant guy, brilliant.

580. - This is what I was gonna ask you,

581. can I ask you a question Carl?

582. - Yes, yes.

583. Can I give you an answer?

584. - I didn't know if questions were allowed.

585. - Yes, yes.

586. But you have to put in the form of a question.

587. - Okay.

588. Now forget that.

589. I want to ask you about your affiliation with Steve Martin

590. because Steven Martin was such a moment of his generation

591. and you were of a previous generation.

592. I don't know how you guys hooked up.

593. - It was one of those great marriages.

594. Steve was maybe the best stand-up ever.

595. He was now playing for 46,000 people and he said this is,

596. he had it, he had it, he had it,

597. and he didn't know what to do with himself.

598. So somebody offered him this thing called The Jerk.

599. And they came to me because they didn't have a director

600. and it needed a little work.

601. And he had never acted with an actress.

602. But boy this guy, he is no question about it.

603. First of all he's a genius writer, the book he wrote,

604. Born Standing Up, may be the best biography ever written.

605. It's brilliant, and so sad.

606. - So far.

607. - Anyway, but the first day on the thing,

608. he fell into it so quickly, nothing needed to be said.

609. - It was co-written by.

610. - By him and Michael Elias and another, Carl Gottlieb.

611. And I put my three cents in, directors have to do that.

612. You have to write 25% to get a writer,

613. but I didn't need credit.

614. The credit was that I was so happy to be with that show.

615. - Did you like the anarchy of the film?

616. - Oh my god I loved everything about the film.

617. I knew we were doing something special.

618. - Do you know who's, Where's Poppa?

619. - I haven't seen it.

620. - Oh I love that movie.

621. - Where's Poppa, that was Robert Klane wrote that.

622. That was a brilliant piece of writing.

623. - When you were making the Jerk...

624. - Favorite line from The Jerk?

625. - Um, it's probably, uh, god there's so many,

626. they're shooting at the cans, that whole scene was.

627. - They're shooting at the cans.

628. - They hate those cans.

629. - And Emmet Walsh.

630. - Remember when his name was in the telephone book?

631. I'm somebody!

632. - That's the greatest.

633. - My name is in the telephone book, I'm somebody!

634. - This is just the kind of spontaneous publicity I need!

635. - This is all Steve, he is this guy.

636. He is just brilliant.

637. He is absolutely brilliant.

638. If you want to read brilliance read the, he did a book

639. on art, he's an absolute genius about art.

640. - I hate art I don't know anything about it.

641. - Well you should look at a picture.

642. There's art behind you, that's photographic art.

643. - Are you a connoisseur of art?

644. - Well my wife was a very fine artist.

645. My son Lucas is a fine artist

646. - Oh is he?

647. - And an established artist.

648. - So you understand art?

649. - I love art, I don't understand it, but I do understand

650. the people who do it, they just, they thrill me.

651. - Well let me ask you this.

652. You know they say like oh this is,

653. comedy is subjective whatever.

654. I don't really believe that.

655. I don't think comedy is subjective.

656. Because for instance, art, you could show me an abstract

657. painting and then you could show me dogs playing poker,

658. I would pick dogs playing poker.

659. - Yes.

660. - But I'm wrong, obviously clearly.

661. - No that's a very, that's a very,

662. punchline of a sketch where Alan Arkin and the olds,

663. when they did the second city.

664. - Yeah.

665. - One of the sketches they did was an art dealer

666. showing people, and that is, as she says, is the so-and-so,

667. man's inhumanity to man and so on.

668. And the woman behind says, I don't like it.

669. He says well madame you're wrong.

670. - But you don't think.

671. - No sir, you're wrong.

672. - You don't think that,

673. that there's any merit to that belief?

674. - What?

675. - That art is objective.

676. - Of course.

677. - Not subjective, objective, in other words.

678. - You object to it.

679. - No I mean something can be funnier than something else

680. no matter anybody's opinion.

681. - It's always in the eye of the beholder.

682. - But what if the beholder's an idiot?

683. - Then his eye's an idiot too.

684. - Wouldn't you trust your opinion

685. of what's funny over his?

686. - Oh you trust your own.

687. You know the best opinion?

688. There's one way you can find out if somethings funny,

689. are you laughing?

690. There was a show called, a movie that came out after the

691. Show of Shows was done called Ten from Your Show of Shows.

692. I went to see it in the theater.

693. I remember the theater I was seeing it at.

694. And one sketch, which is considered one of

695. the funniest sketches ever done since then.

696. Anyway I heard laughter in that theater

697. like I'd never heard before.

698. One was a high pitched screamy woman.

699. Wa-ha-ha!

700. Cackling.

701. And I realized that woman was me.

702. I was laughing with a laugh I'd never heard before.

703. I'd never seen it, I was in it, I was part of it.

704. But we never looked at the kinoscopes.

705. We did the shows, we did the 39 shows a season,

706. and then 13 weeks off, came back and did 39 for seven years.

707. - Unbelievable, we'll be back.

708. Hey what about this though.

709. Why does some comedy, the Dick Van Dyke show

710. hold up for generations and others do not?

711. - That's a good question I have a good answer for that.

712. I really do, you want me to answer it now?

713. - Yes of course, yes.

714. - When we did that show I knew

715. we had something very special.

716. I said this classic, I told the writers,

717. I said this a classic show, it's going to go on way past us.

718. And I said so I want no slang in the show,

719. because a guy came in with McMinnville and you know,

720. from the sword of the same name.

721. I says no slang.

722. I said a gun is a gun, its not a gat or a rod its a gun.

723. I said we use no slang this show will last a longer time.

724. - Oh that's interesting.

725. - And I was assiduous about that and I knew.

726. - Yeah and you didn't know who the president was.

727. - I knew we had something special.

728. - You didn't know the governor or the president

729. or anything like that.

730. - No and we didn't, we stayed out of that too.

731. - Because look at Murphy Brown, can't be shown anymore.

732. - Is that right?

733. - Well because every second joke's

734. about Ed Meese, or Dan Quayle.

735. - Yes.

736. - No one's interested in that.

737. - Meese in Jewish means ugly.

738. Meesekite, means funny looking.

739. - Oh yeah?

740. - It's true.

741. - Really?

742. - Yeah.

743. - You knew that?

744. - I did.

745. - That's why I looked at you.

746. - Funny you don't look Jewish.

747. - Oh yeah.

748. He's a half a Jew and a half a self hating Jew.

749. - That's called anti-Semite.

750. - An anti-Semite yeah.

751. He's a half a proud Jew and half a virulent anti-Semite.

752. - Disagree.

753. - He's conflicted.

754. - Does he like the 2000 year old man?

755. - Oh yeah both parts of me do.

756. - I'm gonna ask you one question about the 2000 year old man

757. then we're gonna go to a break.

758. - Okay.

759. - Would not it have been easier

760. to make him a 10,000 year old man?

761. - As a matter of fact I was wrong making him a 2000

762. year old man because I asked him questions

763. that happened before 2000 years.

764. - Oh yeah.

765. - I asked him about Moses and I realized,

766. well it was my mistake.

767. Anyway that's my fault.

768. - We'll be back with the great Carl Reiner momentarily.

769. - Back with the only Carl Reiner.

770. - How do we know that?

771. - That's true.

772. Well there's others with your name.

773. - Yes.

774. - But none with your body of work.

775. Oh, I have a thing for your body of work.

776. It's best body, that's all I could get.

777. I couldn't get best body of work.

778. - I love this, and it's so light.

779. I can carry it with me anywhere.

780. It's gonna go right next to my 12 Emmys

781. - 12, he has a dozen Emmys.

782. - This is my first best body.

783. - 12 Emmys and Johnny Carson's tie.

784. - Yes.

785. - And you got, looks like Douglas Edward's tie.

786. Look how old that thing is.

787. Remember Douglas Edwards?

788. - What's he holding there?

789. - Huh?

790. - What's he holding there.

791. - I think he's holding some sort of exercise.

792. Dynamic tension, remember Charles Atlas?

793. - Yes I do.

794. - Ernie Pyle.

795. - Yes, I know all those names.

796. - All those fellas.

797. Here's a question, for you.

798. And I only sense this, I don't know if this is true.

799. But did Dick Van Dyke and Jerry Van Dyke

800. have any troubles between the two?

801. - No, they loved each other.

802. - Cause I always wondered why, 'cause I was a devotee

803. of your show, and then three seasons in

804. all of sudden Jerry Van Dyke shows up.

805. - No as a matter of fact it happened

806. in a very interesting way.

807. Dick got a letter from his brother,

808. he was saying oh my brothers working with so and so.

809. I said, your brother?

810. He says yeah, he was on the road all the time.

811. And I asked when did you see him last?

812. He says not for two or three years, he's always away.

813. I asked would you like to see him?

814. He said, I would love to.

815. I said well we'll write him onto the show.

816. Just tell me one thing about him

817. and I'll write a show about him.

818. Well he says, as a kid he slept walked,

819. he was a sleepwalker.

820. Don't say another word.

821. And I wrote a show and then I called Dick and I said,

822. hey Dick I can't do it in one show it's too big a subject.

823. Well can he come for two weeks?

824. He says, oh that's even better.

825. No he was so happy to see his brother.

826. They got along great.

827. - That's awesome.

828. My favorite or one of my favorite episodes was

829. Morey Amsterdam's brother, Phil Leeds played him.

830. You remember that one?

831. The Pool Shark?

832. - Do I remember?

833. - God I loved that one.

834. - I remember for many many reasons.

835. And one of the reasons was, Phil Leeds was one of the best

836. comics in the world, one of the sweetest human beings.

837. But during the McCarthy era, Phil couldn't get work.

838. He was branded a communist because he had left leanings.

839. And he couldn't work.

840. And gee I knew about him and I knew his work.

841. And I had seen him in New York, he was hysterical.

842. He was so sweet, never did political humor even.

843. And so I said, he looks like Morey a little bit,

844. I'll call him and I got him out to play his brother,

845. a really bad-ass brother.

846. And after the show the sponsors call me and said

847. that guy was great, where did you find him?

848. I said he's a New York actor, that's all I could say.

849. - You mean because he was branded at that moment?

850. - Huh?

851. - The moment you cast him?

852. He would've still be branded.

853. - Oh sure, oh yeah, oh yeah.

854. If they knew that he was one of the guys

855. they would say you can't use him.

856. - Wow that's interesting.

857. I know nothing about the blacklisting.

858. But just as you said that,

859. were Jewish people more likely to be blacklisted?

860. - Well I don't know about that, but Jewish people

861. were more likely to be considered liberals.

862. - Right.

863. - And so they'd be more vulnerable.

864. - Were you ever a communist?

865. - No, they called me and said they knocked at my door,

866. nine o'clock in the morning on Sunday.

867. Two guys dressed like that, in black suits.

868. - Have you no shame sir?

869. - Mr. Reiner, FBI, may we come in?

870. Oh absolutely gentlemen.

871. I'm in my shorts, I was just woken up.

872. They wanted to know if I knew...

873. - Explain to the folks what the FBI is.

874. - The Federal Bureau of Investigation were looking for

875. communist infiltration into the arts.

876. They were sending people to jail.

877. By the way the guy who ran the whole committee

878. was ultimately sent to jail and went to the same jail

879. that the guys were sent and they were so nice to him,

880. they really were.

881. Anyway that was his nip of the part of the story.

882. - The FBI are at your door.

883. - They're at my door and I decided, and by the way I was

884. on the Show of Shows at the time and I saw,

885. oh here it comes.

886. And I had done liberal things, I was a liberal,

887. and I had done liberal causes.

888. And they want to know this is the question they asked,

889. I could not believe it.

890. They said, Sir, did you vote for the American Labor Party

891. in the last election?

892. And I'm saying, they can't ask that, it's a secret ballot.

893. And I said, yes absolutely didn't you?

894. And I decided I'm going to go with them,

895. they were charming, I'd out charm them.

896. They said why did you vote?

897. I said Henry Wallace, our Vice President,

898. he's a businessman, he runs a strawberry farm,

899. we need a good businessman in there.

900. Everything, and I says, you didn't vote for,

901. who did you vote for.

902. Anyway, that's the way it went for a long time and then

903. they asked me questions like, you once MC'd a thing

904. for Mr. Barsky, a fella named Edward Barsky.

905. Do you know about him?

906. I says yes.

907. He said, you know he's a communist?

908. I says probably but he says why did you do that?

909. I says well they asked me to MC something.

910. They were giving a big award because he invented plasma

911. the thing that saved lives you know?

912. He did it in the fields during the Spanish war,

913. the Franco war.

914. And with a motor from a machine, from a car a jeep.

915. - Sure that's how I do it.

916. - He got plasma.

917. - Yeah he had plasma in there.

918. - I said saved thousands, hundreds of thousands of lives

919. in the second World War.

920. I would you know, who wouldn't be an MC at that?

921. Then they said,

922. you also MC'd a liberal thing at Carnegie Hall.

923. Who asked you to do that?

924. And I said well I was in Call Me Mister at the time,

925. a Broadway show, somebody asked me.

926. And I said Carnegie Hall?

927. Every kid actor, you have to play a violin

928. if you want to go to Carnegie Hall.

929. I didn't play the violin I didn't sing so I would.

930. Gentlemen, and I said this to them, Gentlemen,

931. if the FBI ever has a big event I'm your guy,

932. I want to MC that event.

933. This is the way I went.

934. - Yeah I got ya.

935. - And then they asked me the question,

936. do you know any commies?

937. I said I'm sure I do.

938. They asked, could you name them?

939. I says commies don't go around giving their names.

940. Oh do you know of any commies in show business?

941. I said sure they're in every business,

942. you guys tell us that.

943. And they said would you give us any?

944. I don't know, they don't go around telling their names.

945. And that's the way we left it.

946. And nothing happened.

947. - It wasn't illegal to be communist at the time?

948. It was just, you couldn't work.

949. - I think the Constitution says you're allowed to

950. think the way you want to think.

951. - Right.

952. But you couldn't work.

953. Do you ever think maybe it's a little like racism?

954. - A little?

955. A lot like racism.

956. - No I mean if you're a racist.

957. - Oh yes.

958. - It's not illegal.

959. But you can't work.

960. - If you're a racist you can't work?

961. - Well Donald Sterling for instance.

962. - Oh yes.

963. - Do you think there's any correlation?

964. - Well he doesn't have to work.

965. - No he doesn't.

966. - You know the amount of money he has

967. he could live another hundred years.

968. - That's true.

969. But a serious question though.

970. - Yes.

971. If a man has a job and he is a racist,

972. should the job be taken away from him?

973. - No.

974. But his fellows shouldn't.

975. - Good news for him.

976. - Yeah.

977. - I'm not a racist.

978. - Hey you wanna hear some questions from the twitter verse?

979. - Absolutely.

980. - Are you on twitter?

981. - Absolutely every day.

982. - Goodness can I follow you?

983. - Yeah, oh yes.

984. - What is your name?

985. - It's @carlreiner.

986. - @carlreiner.

987. How'd you come up with that one?

988. - My first twitter I remember, it was a good one.

989. It was sometimes I'm beginning to worry

990. about my short term memory loss.

991. - That was the, oh.

992. - Sometimes I begin to worry about

993. my short term memory loss.

994. Sometimes I'm beginning to worry about

995. my short term memory loss, that was it.

996. - You asked how'd you come up with that name.

997. I though he was talking about his first twitter

998. and I was like that's a really long twitter name.

999. - Real Ed McMahon over here huh?

1000. Step right in the middle of your thing.

1001. - Ed Mcboy.

1002. - That's your nickname from now on fella!

1003. Ed Mcboy.

1004. Anyways here are some questions from the Twitter verse

1005. for Carl Reiner.

1006. Have you ever once in a moment of anger asks

1007. bigyellow22, Have you ever once in a moment of anger,

1008. Carl Reiner, called your son meat-head?

1009. - I have never called my son meat-head.

1010. My son Rob Reiner has one of the best heads I know.

1011. He's one of the smartest people I know.

1012. - Oh my goodness, what a body of work.

1013. - On any subject its amazing.

1014. I saw him on one of these shows where

1015. it had left wing, right wing.

1016. - I saw him on Politically Incorrect once, brilliant.

1017. - Right, and there's no matter what the subject is,

1018. bang he's there.

1019. And even his brother and sister agree with this.

1020. - Very well informed.

1021. - I ran into him a few weeks ago at a bank.

1022. And he was just complimenting the Cadillac.

1023. And just he went off for five minutes about everything

1024. he loved about Cadillacs, asking what year it was.

1025. So I believe that, he clearly...

1026. - Ed Mcboy.

1027. - But Robbie has one those cars that you plug in,

1028. you know get electric, yeah.

1029. - Oh yeah, a Tesla.

1030. - A Tesla yes.

1031. - My friend has a Tesla.

1032. - He's very big into environment and all that.

1033. - Those Teslas are a nice ride too aren't they?

1034. - Yes.

1035. - They're coming out next year with a sort of an SUV Tesla.

1036. - Really?

1037. - Cause I can't get down low in those sporty cars.

1038. Brittle bones.

1039. TylerKane08, that's the fellers name from the Twitter.

1040. We can't all be Carl Reiner.

1041. - Or Tyler.

1042. - Your dad was a watchmaker?

1043. What the heck did they give him when he retired?

1044. - Well he was self employed.

1045. - Oh he was?

1046. - Yes and he was...

1047. - Oh he also asked was he tightly wound?

1048. No I put that part in.

1049. - My father, when you talk about my father,

1050. I write about my father a lot in a book.

1051. My father was five foot three and my mother

1052. was five foot two and I grew to be six foot one.

1053. I said Mom, Pa how did I get my height?

1054. Where did it come from?

1055. He says well your grandfather, my father, Ufale.

1056. I said how tall was he, five six.

1057. But my father was also an inventor.

1058. He invented the battery clock

1059. and he invented a battery that would last 100 years

1060. to drive a clock.

1061. He was a real inventor.

1062. He invented a thing that self-timed,

1063. it'd take your own picture.

1064. He was a really very, very, very bright man.

1065. - Did he ever think of being in the,

1066. well that's creative so did he ever think of being in?

1067. - Show business?

1068. No but when he came from Europe he bought himself

1069. a violin because he loved the violin,

1070. his father took lessons, and by using the book

1071. in libraries he taught himself to play the violin

1072. well enough to play in an orchestra.

1073. The flute, the clarinet, he was a real good musician.

1074. And very short.

1075. - So what are your biggest memories in the war?

1076. What was the worst thing you ever saw?

1077. - In the war?

1078. - Yeah.

1079. Well uh.

1080. - Worst thing.

1081. - The worst thing I ever saw in the war?

1082. - Did you ever see a dead man?

1083. - No I didn't.

1084. - So you were blessed in a way.

1085. - No but I was in the hospital for three months,

1086. I had pneumonia when I was a radio operator,

1087. and I laid on my stomach running a generator

1088. and getting frostbitten.

1089. I ended up three months in a hospital,

1090. watching dying people in the hospital.

1091. - Did you worry about your own mortality?

1092. Pneumonia was a serious thing back then.

1093. - No you worried about it, but you, for some reason,

1094. stupidly you think you're gonna get through it.

1095. You think your gonna be the one where the bomb is gonna go.

1096. My brother.

1097. - You're worried about the fella next to you.

1098. - My brother Charlie was in 11 major battles including

1099. the original battle in North Africa against Rommel,

1100. 11 major battles, blown up once, he came out.

1101. When they had the picture at Arlington

1102. yesterday, I was there at Arlington when my brother

1103. passed away many years ago when he was 83 years,

1104. and they gave him a 21 gun salute.

1105. This is a brother who worried when he was a kid

1106. if somebody spit on him he'd put peroxide on it.

1107. And here he is in the war.

1108. - Died a hero.

1109. - And when he told me once after the Rommel invasion,

1110. he said for 37 days they never bathed.

1111. He said when I took off my socks and shoes I hadn't

1112. seen my feet for 37 days, I didn't recognize my feet.

1113. - Wow.

1114. - I mean that was a story.

1115. The stories he told.

1116. And he liberated Dachau.

1117. - Oh my gosh.

1118. - He told those stories of him and his bunch.

1119. The stories he told,

1120. and he told them 25 years after it happened.

1121. I said, why didn't you ever tell about it?

1122. He says, I didn't want to relive it,

1123. every time I thought about it.

1124. Do you wanna here a horror story?

1125. In Dachau, when he liberated Dachau, there was one skinny

1126. Jew left who was in charge of doing things that they,

1127. he said they went into the middle of the town,

1128. he said there was a stench in the town that was horrible,

1129. but they went into town and they got all the people out,

1130. people didn't know about the cremations.

1131. - Didn't know about it?

1132. - They didn't know about the cremations.

1133. And they got all the people out of the buildings.

1134. There were a few survivors, he says go in those buildings,

1135. the captain, the Jewish captain says,

1136. go into those buildings, take what you want, get food.

1137. And they wouldn't go, they were frightened.

1138. They went in the building and came out

1139. with a piece of bread and ate it.

1140. But the stench was so horrible.

1141. And this story he had never told me for 25 years.

1142. He said what it was is they were caught,

1143. they knew the allies were coming in, and the Nazis

1144. would get caught, they took all of the people out

1145. of the Auschwitz, or Dachau, and they sent them

1146. into the woods, put them in a pile

1147. threw gasoline on them and lit them.

1148. And they were burning and it was the smoldering fat

1149. coming off bodies that was still being,

1150. they were all dead but they were all being,

1151. that's what the smell was.

1152. When he told me that story I says.

1153. Is this a comedy show?

1154. What's funny about it is there's nothing funny about it.

1155. That's funny.

1156. Look it I got the smile off his face.

1157. Oh my God.

1158. - Well no this is important things.

1159. Boy that Rommel was a tough old bird huh?

1160. - Yeah.

1161. - Wow.

1162. Now that really, does that change your mind at all?

1163. About your opinions?

1164. - I had a bar mitzvah, again.

1165. A Jewish one, my mother and father.

1166. Both sides of the family.

1167. - Oh really?

1168. - Yeah.

1169. - Were you ever frightened?

1170. - Frightened?

1171. - That Hitler would win somehow?

1172. Did that cross anyone's mind at the time?

1173. - It never occurred to me that Hitler would win.

1174. The fact that...

1175. - Only because he was evil?

1176. - You know the thing that I think of all the time

1177. is that Hitler came to power and somebody allowed him

1178. to come to power.

1179. And when I see people listening to congressmen talk about

1180. things that can wreck our country.

1181. I'm saying why don't more people speak up?

1182. That's what happened in the old days.

1183. Nobody spoke up, everybody went along with them.

1184. Go with the flow.

1185. You don't go with the flow if the flow

1186. is leading you into a sewer.

1187. - That's a very slow process people just stay silent.

1188. - Wow, now I gotta find a question from the Twitter verse.

1189. Wait a minute don't you have

1190. something in your book on Hitler?

1191. - Oh wait a while.

1192. - I remember leafing through it

1193. and seeing a picture of Hitler.

1194. - Oh wait, wait there is one.

1195. Oh yes, you know.

1196. - With the German shepherd I believe.

1197. - Yeah there he is.

1198. - There is, there's the feller there.

1199. His name is HV?

1200. - Kaltenborn.

1201. - A broadcaster.

1202. - In the 30s he was the first news person

1203. who did analysis of the news.

1204. Nobody did analysis just told you news, but he did analysis.

1205. - He was like an old timey Howard K. Smith.

1206. - I remember him only because I didn't care what he was

1207. saying but I was like six, eight, ten years old.

1208. But his rhythms.

1209. He had a very specific way of haltingly talking

1210. as he spoke he chopped his words in half and he made

1211. himself very interesting to me as a little boy.

1212. I talked like him.

1213. Anyway so I for some reason, I dreamt of him.

1214. And one of the things I remembered later on.

1215. I was on the Jack Paar show

1216. and I thought Kaltenborn was on with me.

1217. And this is the story I remembered.

1218. On the show I thought he was talking about Hitler.

1219. He mentioned the fact that he had.

1220. - There's Hitler.

1221. - There's Hitler.

1222. He mentioned the fact that he had interviewed Hitler at

1223. Berchtesgaden in 1939, before the big anschluss.

1224. And he says he was not a very nice man,

1225. he knew he was not a very.

1226. And then later on he said that somebody saw him.

1227. This was another person commenting on Hitler.

1228. He says he saw a dog, bunch of dogs ran out,

1229. and Hitler had a relationship with those dogs.

1230. He says it was a part of Hitler he had never seen,

1231. it was the side of Hitler he'd never seen.

1232. And I remember screaming, how 'bout the side of Hitler

1233. that killed six million Jews?

1234. I thought I was screaming it at him.

1235. I was screaming at the set cause Kaltenborn

1236. and I were on Paar show but two nights, a night apart.

1237. He was on one night and I was actually looking at the set,

1238. and screaming at the set.

1239. And I had to Google that to remember that.

1240. I found out we weren't out on the same night.

1241. Oh and I said that night I hope I dream about.

1242. - The great June Allison.

1243. - June Allison.

1244. And I showed you what June Allison

1245. looked like in case you forgot.

1246. She was my favorite looking person.

1247. - By the way that dog he loved so much

1248. was the one he poisoned.

1249. To test out his poison before he committed suicide.

1250. That's the only thing he really did good, Hitler,

1251. is he killed Hitler.

1252. - Yeah, I know.

1253. - And with that we gotta go to a break.

1254. - When we come back, jokes with Carl Reiner.

1255. - Back talking to Carl Reiner,

1256. the author of this book right here.

1257. Did anybody ever say you look a bit like Jerry Seinfeld?

1258. - No, forward by Jerry Seinfeld.

1259. - I know I see that but look at your face.

1260. - Yeah well that was how I looked at 20.

1261. - What do ya think?

1262. - Uh yeah a little bit.

1263. - Huh?

1264. - A little bit maybe.

1265. - It's the Semite in both of us.

1266. - Yeah.

1267. He claims he's part Semite but I don't know.

1268. - Full, full, 100%.

1269. - Ha so this is where we do jokes.

1270. Would you like to do a joke Carl?

1271. You're a great joke teller.

1272. - Yeah I'd love to do a joke.

1273. - Okay here's a joke.

1274. - Okay.

1275. - Carl Reiner, the great Carl Reiner.

1276. So you can read ahead, you can just read.

1277. - No.

1278. A tractor trailer flipped over releasing

1279. millions of bees which stung the driver hundreds of times.

1280. Speaking from the hospital the driver said, no flowers?

1281. - Well you put a little Yiddish in that one.

1282. - Yeah.

1283. - Oh I realize in therapy Carl

1284. that I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of living.

1285. Oh no I'm afraid of dying.

1286. I had Larry King sit in this chair, your chair.

1287. - No kidding?

1288. - A couple weeks ago.

1289. And he said, he's a younger man than you by a dozen years.

1290. - Really?

1291. - As many as Emmys as you have,

1292. so the years that he divides you.

1293. But he thinks of death all the time.

1294. - You know there's a whole.

1295. - How 'bout you?

1296. - You know there's a whole chapter in this book,

1297. how to tell of the encroaching.

1298. Oh look at this!

1299. You know I have.

1300. You asked about tweets, there's a whole bunch.

1301. Put your money where your mouth is

1302. when the burglar break into your home.

1303. Put your money where your mouth is and you'll get

1304. the tenth the interest you would from a bank.

1305. There are a lot of those.

1306. - My favorite was a penny earned is nothing to brag about.

1307. - A penny earned is nothing to brag about, right.

1308. Some people just don't get it while other people get it

1309. but just don't want it.

1310. That's not so good.

1311. Felons will be less likely to commit crimes

1312. if our prisons served worse food.

1313. - Well now, what about these jokes?

1314. They're not gonna sound as funny anymore.

1315. - No go ahead, go ahead.

1316. - Well do you want to, you don't want to do a dirty joke?

1317. - Absolutely.

1318. - There you go sir.

1319. - Okay.

1320. Police in Tennessee arrested a teenage girl

1321. when they found a loaded handgun in her vagina.

1322. When questioned her boyfriend said,

1323. I guess that explains why my co, I can't say that word.

1324. I guess that explains why my cock kept getting blown off.

1325. I don't get it.

1326. Oh god I get it!

1327. I made believe I don't get it,

1328. because that means I'm not complicit.

1329. - Two months later we still haven't found

1330. Malaysia airlines flight 370.

1331. This looks like the work of the Joran Van Der Sloot.

1332. Do you remember that character?

1333. - Yes, no.

1334. - You don't remember him?

1335. - He's the one who, allegedly, well he murdered.

1336. - How about this one Carl?

1337. - Okay.

1338. - A 28 year old med student is auctioning

1339. off her virginity online.

1340. For 300,000 dollars you can have the worst sex of your life.

1341. That's good.

1342. - That ain't bad.

1343. That ain't bad.

1344. - Who writes these?

1345. - Oh well.

1346. How about this one?

1347. - I know who it was, you know who writes them?

1348. Men in prison.

1349. - That's right.

1350. - A man in Chipata allowed a hyena to eat his penis

1351. after being told by a witch doctor

1352. that would help him become rich.

1353. Is it me or does it sound like that hyena

1354. and witch doctor were in cahoots?

1355. - I think maybe they were in cahoots.

1356. - Who writes these?

1357. - Ah?

1358. - We should have this person locked up and looked at.

1359. Or at least looked at.

1360. - Let's let Adam Eget read one.

1361. He likes to read sometimes.

1362. - Alright George Clooney is engaged.

1363. The rich and handsome 53 year old told reporters

1364. it's time for me to settle down and start officially

1365. cheating on a heartsick and disillusioned spouse.

1366. - I don't hear any laughter.

1367. - Well.

1368. - I love George Clooney so much that he could do no wrong.

1369. He's just one of the good.

1370. - I can do a lot of wrong.

1371. - He's just one of the good human beings in the world.

1372. - He is isn't he?

1373. Well you look, he put you in three movies.

1374. - With the things that he does.

1375. He and his father go into Darfur, and going through Chad.

1376. At risk of being, to send food and shelter

1377. to people who are getting killed.

1378. He's really a man of the world,

1379. I mean a man caring about the world.

1380. - I don't know much about geo-politics but

1381. that is one cool name for a country, Chad.

1382. - Yeah, yeah.

1383. - Hey how about this one?

1384. - Okay.

1385. - This is a terrible story the Nigerian schoolgirl.

1386. - The kidnapping victim in Nigeria

1387. are being forced to marry their captors.

1388. I'm glad to hear these kidnappers are old fashioned.

1389. - In a way, in a way, I mean they're getting married.

1390. This is another, a similar type of joke.

1391. - Some of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped

1392. by extremists in Nigeria have been forced to marry

1393. their kidnappers and worse than that

1394. they've been forced to laugh at their husbands stories

1395. even after hearing them for the umpteenth time.

1396. - You know something?

1397. It's very hard to make a joke about those girls

1398. who are kidnapped when I hear about those things.

1399. That is one of the worst.

1400. - It's terrible.

1401. And yet you got a big laugh out of yours.

1402. - I'm sorry I got, I was just thinking

1403. of Liam Neeson doing that movie called Taken.

1404. - Taken, yes.

1405. - It's one of the best movies ever made.

1406. - I love Taken.

1407. - And I love comeuppance movies.

1408. Count of Monte Cristo is my favorite movie

1409. because the people, the bad people get comeuppance.

1410. And in Taken, Liam Neeson wipes the floor with the worst

1411. human beings in the world who have taken.

1412. And when I read about these kids all I can think is

1413. Liam Neeson, send him in and get these people out.

1414. - Also interesting though, still that you got a big laugh,

1415. and he got nothing.

1416. - What?

1417. Yeah.

1418. I don't know how you're still surprised by this.

1419. - I think people are being kind.

1420. - To you?

1421. - Yeah.

1422. - I disagree.

1423. - No if there's anybody to be kind to it's this guy.

1424. Hey how about this?

1425. If I had a gun to my head and had to pick

1426. a vice presidential candidate to have sex with

1427. I would choose Sarah Palin, and Spiro Agnew.

1428. Remember Spiro Agnew?

1429. - Do I remember him.

1430. - Hot piece of ass.

1431. You know what I would like to hear?

1432. A poem.

1433. Do you have a poem sir?

1434. - I do not have a poem.

1435. - You do not have a poem?

1436. - Do you have a poem?

1437. - Do I have a poem?

1438. - You have a poem?

1439. - Yes.

1440. - Well I'm glad one of us has a poem.

1441. - Thank god.

1442. - You know as a manner of fact this poem,

1443. and by the way I wrote this poem when I 20 year old

1444. in the army and I wrote it

1445. on a piece of paper which I had lost.

1446. All I remembered was the title.

1447. - How did you know to archive yourself?

1448. - Well this one of the things when I was writing this book

1449. I happened to find the little, the little.

1450. - Almond Roche tin?

1451. - This little thing I carried in the war.

1452. It was with all my letters in it.

1453. And I found this piece of paper in there.

1454. All I remember was the Ode to the Buttocks Bountiful.

1455. - Ode to the Buttocks Bountiful?

1456. - Hell of a title.

1457. - And I remembered I'd written that.

1458. - Would you do us the honor of reading?

1459. - I will and I would not have been able to write it

1460. had I not found it just a week before I finished

1461. writing this book.

1462. Ode to the Buttocks Bountiful.

1463. I had written this to a girl that I'd met in the army

1464. before I was married, a young girl, a very lovely girl

1465. named Lois, I don't know her last name.

1466. - Not in American?

1467. - I hope she's listening today.

1468. - Is she an American?

1469. - Yes she is, I met her in Laramie, Wyoming.

1470. And she did have a very lovely backside and I wrote this.

1471. - Likely long dead.

1472. - I wrote this poem to her.

1473. - Wouldn't you say?

1474. - Pardon?

1475. - I said likely long dead.

1476. - Yes, yes, no no.

1477. Not likely she was younger than I, maybe, maybe not.

1478. Ode to the Buttocks Bountiful.

1479. In any anthology of poetry carefully bound

1480. poems of love and hate undoubtedly could be found.

1481. And wherever one deemed to look or to gaze

1482. up would pop Keats with nightingale and vase.

1483. But ne're has there been in verse or in rhyme

1484. an ode or sonnet to a curvaceous behind.

1485. To the laws of poets I will not abide

1486. but write as I will of the broad backside.

1487. To me this subject is as quite as dear

1488. as love and intrigue was to Will Shakespeare.

1489. So to hell with convention and the great bard

1490. I'll write as I will of the hiney firm and hard.

1491. I do not extol of course any blasé ass

1492. but one that belongs to a lovely sweet lass.

1493. A tush that is soft, rigid, and white

1494. not one flish, flabby, or slight.

1495. So to you dear Lois I deed must ordain

1496. you are the queen of afore said terrain.

1497. - Wow.

1498. You're like, you know what you're like?

1499. You're a renaissance man.

1500. - I sent that to her and she loved it.

1501. She really did.

1502. As a matter of a fact she was a very very lovely girl.

1503. - You know what else is interesting?

1504. Bodacious behinds are not all the in thing.

1505. - I know, I know.

1506. You know she made a trip from Laramie, Wyoming

1507. to Bronx, New York just to visit my folks

1508. and tell them what a lovely son they grew up.

1509. And she was a very lovely girl.

1510. I wish I knew her last name and I wish she were still alive

1511. so I can thank her and say hello to her.

1512. - You are a multi-talent though I did not know that.

1513. You are a Renaissance man.

1514. I would call you the rich man's Steve Allen.

1515. Now I would call Steve Allen the poor mans.

1516. - Steve Allen is the guy who is responsible for

1517. the 2000 year old man getting on record.

1518. - Oh he is?

1519. - We did it at parties for years, 10 years Mel and I

1520. did the 2000 year old man just for fun.

1521. And everybody said you gotta put it on record,

1522. you gotta put it on record.

1523. And we said no this is only for Jews

1524. and non anti-Semitic Gentiles.

1525. And finally Steve Allen said fellas if you don't do it.

1526. George Burns says, he saw it at a party,

1527. if you don't put it on a record I'm gonna steal it.

1528. And Edward G. Robinson said, put it on a record.

1529. He says I want make a play out of that,

1530. make a play out of that.

1531. That's what he said, make a play out of it.

1532. I want to play the thousand year old man.

1533. I says 2000.

1534. I can play any age.

1535. It was Steve Allen said fellas take my studio go wail.

1536. And we did we wailed for two hours,

1537. cut it to 47 minutes and there it was.

1538. - Now in that story Edward G. Robinson's the funny man.

1539. - Yeah.

1540. - Steve Allen just let you use his studio,

1541. but it was you who created the 2000 year old man.

1542. Not even Mel Brooks, you!

1543. - Yes, yes.

1544. - The great Carl Reiner has been with us

1545. for the full hour of a very special show.

1546. Thank you sir.

1547. - Thank you.

1548. - I appreciate it.

1549. - Thank you so much for being here.