Norm Macdonald Live 2x3

1. Tonight our guest is the legendary David Spade.

2. If you have watched TV for the past quarter century,

3. you will be familiar with David.

4. I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Eget.

5. I like the guests we're getting

6. This... - Oh, fantastic.

7. - This season.

8. They're all very entertaining and wonderful.

9. - I can't wait for Spade.

10. - Spade's a great guy.

11. - I've loved him for a long time.

12. - He's back in the dressing room right now.

13. - Can't wait.

14. - Dressin' up.

15. - Sure.

16. - Gettin' his clothes on.

17. What you got in your tooth?

18. - Oh, shit.

19. - Huh? It's red.

20. - I just ate some dried cranberries.

21. - That's what it is, that's what I thought it was.

22. You're on television.

23. - Are we still there?

24. - Now it's gone.

25. - Alright.

26. - So anyways, what were you gonna say about...

27. - I feel like, I feel like it's still there.

28. - What were you gonna say?

29. You were at The Comedy Store,

30. - Yeah.

31. - and there's guests come in or something?

32. - At The Store?

33. - That guests that could be good at the podcast

34. come into the store,

35. - and then you don't - Oh, constantly.

36. - bring them to the podcast?

37. - Oh, God.

38. It's like, you always abandon bits.

39. - No! - It's just where

40. that you abandon it before it starts, that's all.

41. It's new.

42. - Now what was the idea?

43. I forgot, I'm sorry.

44. - Can we start over?

45. - Brian Redban.

46. Listen, we're just trying to be funny,

47. but you had an idea.

48. - Yeah, the idea was that... - It was based on truth.

49. - Yeah, that a lot of famous people

50. come into The Comedy Store.

51. - Yeah, so you work at the world famous Comedy Store,

52. - The world famous Comedy Store.

53. - and so people come in and out...

54. - People come in...

55. - Comedians come and go on stage, but also

56. people come in the audience.

57. - Yeah.

58. - Famous celebrities. - Yeah, and they come

59. to see shows,

60. and it's a bit that was based on reality,

61. because you have been upset before,

62. where I always talk about, "Oh, Tarantino came."

63. "Did you ask him to do the podcast?"

64. "No, I didn't ask." - Yeah.

65. - So the joke is that all these people,

66. and they become - Wait, who?

67. - increasingly more outlandish as the list went on.

68. - Yeah, and at the end, your big guy came in, Mick Jagger,

69. - Right.

70. - and you sent him to another podcast, over at Joe Rogan's.

71. - Joe Rogan's podcast was one of the jokes.

72. - Well, isn't that fine?

73. Fine and dandy.

74. Hey, it reminded me of Mick Jagger,

75. because we wanna be funny here, too.

76. - And so, do you wanna hear a joke?

77. - Yeah, of course.

78. - Well, a frog...

79. You know you talk about outlandish, how 'bout this?

80. A frog goes into a bank to get a loan.

81. - Imagine.

82. - So, the frog goes up to the lady,

83. and she has a little name tag on, as they do.

84. It says, "Whack".

85. Her name is Mrs. Whack.

86. "So can I get a loan?"

87. "I don't know, you're a frog."

88. "Well, I want a loan."

89. "What's your name?"

90. "Kermit."

91. "You're not Kermit the Frog."

92. "No, no no, I was named after him.

93. "The name's Kermit Jagger.

94. "My father's Mick Jagger, and my mother's a frog.

95. "He fucked a frog,

96. "and I'm his offspring, you see?

97. "Well, anyways, I want a loan

98. "for a lily pad."

99. "Well, I don't know if you can have one.

100. "Do you have any collateral?"

101. "Well, I have this,"

102. and the frog pulls out a little shiny pink elephant,

103. you know, a little shiny pink elephant.

104. "This is my collateral."

105. So, Mrs. Whack looks at it, and her name's Paddy.

106. "I don't think this is much collateral,

107. "but I'll talk to the bank manager about it."

108. "There's a frog out there, Kermit Jagger,

109. "gave me this damn thing.

110. "Do you have any idea what this is?"

111. The bank manager says, "Let me see now.

112. "What is this?

113. "This is a knick knack, Paddy Whack.

114. "Give the frog a loan!

115. "His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

116. - So much involved.

117. Lot of moving parts.

118. It all came together, though.

119. - When we return, David Spade will be with us.

120. - Tonight's guest

121. for the full hour... - Now it gets stiff.

122. Yeah... - I know.

123. - Full hour?

124. That wasn't the deal.

125. I thought this was a pop in.

126. - David Spade is our guest.

127. You know him from Saturday Night Live,

128. Eight Simple Rules,

129. - Nah, no one knows me - Just Shoot Me,

130. - from that.

131. Just Shoot Me, maybe.

132. - Rules of Engagement.

133. - Sure.

134. - Don't forget his classic comedies,

135. like Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and the great Joe Dirt.

136. His stand-up special, My Fake Problems,

137. now available for download on iTunes

138. and Amazon Instant Video.

139. He'll be at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco

140. June 3rd and 4th.

141. - What a winded intro I got.

142. What else, Venetian?

143. - The Venetian!

144. The resort and casino in Las Vegas, June 13th and 14th.

145. - You know, what's funny, I usually sweat

146. toward the end of an interview.

147. I am drenched.

148. - Yeah, well it's hot.

149. - Minute two, yeah yeah.

150. - It's hot.

151. We tape in southern California.

152. - You know, it's 96 today, and I know it's bad

153. when everyone busts out the umbrellas,

154. you know what I mean?

155. Not for rain?

156. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

157. - I go, "Oh boy, this is gonna be a scorcha'."

158. - This guy, he was like, "96? I prefer 69,"

159. I'm like, alright.

160. - He threw that one in?

161. Was he warmin' up for this?

162. - Nah, do you know this character?

163. - Not really

164. - He has a fine story

165. about when you were at the Tempe Improv, he said.

166. - Actually, yeah, about 11 years ago, maybe 10,

167. I was actually a server there - Oh, okay.

168. - at first, and you were upstairs on the balcony,

169. and Dan Mer, you remember Dan.

170. - Sure.

171. - Looks like The Critic,

172. - He was the manager? - Like Jon Lovitz.

173. He was running around making sure everything was perfect,

174. and stressing me out, and I had a full tray of drinks,

175. and I spilled probably the entire tray of drinks

176. all over the girl you were with.

177. - Uh oh. How'd I handle it?

178. I was cool?

179. - You were actually really kind.

180. Yeah, yeah, you were cool.

181. - Did I say, "Now hiring!" or something like that?

182. - I think she immediately...

183. - Is that what you - I don't think you knew

184. - say on stage? - what was going on.

185. - That's a good line. - She just jumped up

186. and started taking her like

187. - Clothes off? - clothes off,

188. and you were like, "Alright yeah."

189. - Yeah.

190. - Like you were excited.

191. - Slip you a 20.

192. - Now hiring?

193. Never heard that one.

194. - That's not bad when someone drops something.

195. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

196. - Now hiring.

197. - Now hiring.

198. David is returning to stand-up in a big way.

199. - Ooh.

200. - Someone told me that you have never not been on TV

201. since Saturday Night Live.

202. - Starting with my sonogram.

203. - So, tell the people at home

204. what a sonogram is.

205. - Uh, a sonogram is a picture of a uterus.

206. - Yes.

207. - Is that what it is?

208. I know it's something like that.

209. Picture of a pregnant girl's...

210. Through her thing,

211. and the baby's like this,

212. but a sonogram is when you panic,

213. 'cause then it's real, and you go, "Oh boy."

214. - So you've never been off television.

215. - Then, there was a gap.

216. - There was a gap after...

217. - The sonogram.

218. - Yeah.

219. - Then, when I was...

220. After high school, I started to do little talent shows,

221. and tried to do stand-up,

222. and then I got on TV locally.

223. And then my big one, I think was Evening at the Improv.

224. Remember that one? - Oh yeah?

225. How many of those did you do? - Improv Tonight?

226. - Oh yeah.

227. I think they had - I think I did

228. - three or four of those. - two of one of those.

229. - Improv Tonight, Evening at the Improv...

230. There's another one. - Improv Tonight,

231. and then there was Comedy Tonight New York,

232. which I wished I could get on.

233. I used to watch those.

234. - Bill Boggs.

235. - Yeah.

236. - Tell us about Bill Boggs.

237. - I don't even know him.

238. - Well, I don't know, I asked Ray Romano about Bill Boggs.

239. He said, "Never heard of him."

240. I said, "You never heard of Bill Boggs?"

241. The impresario of comedy.

242. - Um.

243. - He created

244. - Comedy Tonight? - the television show,

245. - Comedy Tonight?

246. - Comedy Tonight.

247. - That was a stand-up show, for the people at home.

248. - Yeah, tell the people at home what Comedy Tonight

249. was all about.

250. - Um, Comedy Tonight was a little dinky studio,

251. possibly dinkier than this.

252. No, it was a little bigger than this.

253. And, it was this in the corner, and they had a mic stand,

254. and I saw it in Arizona, I was freaking out 'cause it was

255. such showbiz for me, but...

256. - Yeah.

257. - And they just filmed stand-ups doing their act

258. at like midnight, and they had like three in a half hour,

259. I think that's what it was, and I was freaking out.

260. That was like the first time outside of Carson

261. or something I saw stand-ups on TV,

262. and I wanted to do stand-up.

263. I was super crummy at it, but I thought I would love

264. to get on that show, as some sort of mistake.

265. - You said I'm at least as good as Bill Boggs, huh?

266. - Did he do stand-up, or is just a producer?

267. - He's an impresario.

268. He created the famous Morton Downey Jr. Show.

269. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

270. - And then he had a cooking show,

271. or no, he would take a restaurant,

272. and there'd be Bill Boggs and Joy Behar eating some past-a.

273. - Alright.

274. - People say "pasta" here in the United States.

275. - "Past-a" they say up in Canada.

276. - Yeah, past-a,

277. - They ruin everything. - past-a, past-a skates,

278. 'cause I'm goin' out and I'm hittin' the ice.

279. - We can trim this, right?

280. - We have some questions, David, from the internet,

281. that we take from my twitter feed.

282. - Off your twitter feed about golf?

283. - This one is from...

284. This one is...

285. You like golf.

286. - First burn.

287. - Who is your favorite PGA golfer?

288. - Ooh. Spieth.

289. - Oh, wow.

290. - That was pretty good, wasn't it?

291. - That was pretty good.

292. - He's new.

293. - So, are you disappointed that he didn't break the records?

294. He always seems to end up in the final pairing, doesn't he?

295. - You know, I only know him... - The ultimate game.

296. - It's Jordan Spieth?

297. - Yeah. - Is it?

298. He's 20.

299. - Jordan Spieth, he was in the...

300. - In the final of the Masters?

301. - Yeah.

302. - That was cool, I like seeing a young guy get in there.

303. - He was in the final at the Player's Cup.

304. - Was that recently?

305. - Yeah, so he lost...

306. He was in the finals, but he lost the matches,

307. then he was in the finals with Martin Kaymer,

308. - Well, those guys are seasoned pros.

309. - They are.

310. - It's like if this clown was in the finals

311. of something with you.

312. - Yeah.

313. - You'd probably win, right?

314. - Remember, this guy lost to the bushman on Star Search.

315. - Who?

316. - The bushman.

317. - Who's he?

318. - Well, it was International Star Search, so there...

319. - You had to go up against a bushman from like...

320. - Yeah, well one guy was from Africa.

321. He wore tribal robes, the bushman.

322. The other guy was from Canada, me.

323. - Aww.

324. - I had no jokes about being...

325. I would have dressed up as a mounty if I'd known.

326. - You could do that.

327. - And I said,

328. "I don't wanna be on Star Search, Howard Lapides,"

329. and he goes, "But the winner gets a million dollars."

330. The winner got $5,000,

331. and I didn't even win.

332. - Right.

333. - And I was backstage with the Nicaraguan Junior Dancers

334. and their parents, sad.

335. They put all the losers in a sad place.

336. - The sad room?

337. That's where you hung out?

338. - I remember telling a lady, I said,

339. "Don't worry about it, your kid, even the winners, nothing."

340. - Even the winners don't matter?

341. - Yeah, not the Junior Dancers.

342. - Right, they're going nowhere.

343. - So, this is a question from...

344. - Little Julianne Hough was in that room.

345. No, but how 'bout the fact, not that you lost,

346. but Dennis Miller went against Sinbad.

347. - Oh, he went against Sinbad?

348. - How many stars did you get, by the way, 2?

349. - I don't wanna say.

350. - 3/4. - Do you remember?

351. - Nope, I got

352. - You got one?

353. 3/4 of a star.

354. - Of one?

355. Why didn't you do the A stuff?

356. - I got three zeroes and a one.

357. - Three zeroes?

358. They can't give you a zero.

359. - No, how does it work out?

360. Three ones and a zero - Maybe one zero

361. and three ones.

362. - I've never seen anyone get zero stars.

363. - Three ones and a zero.

364. - Dennis said he went against Sinbad.

365. Well, you figure that out.

366. - Wow, that'd be hard.

367. - Do the math.

368. Dennis goes, "I do all my best jokes about Ronald Reagan."

369. Sinbad comes out and he goes,

370. "You ever have underpants so old

371. you just wearin' a rubber band?"

372. They go, "Four stars!"

373. Sorta true.

374. It's a funny bit.

375. - Four stars.

376. - He goes, "Ed McMahon used to get into those bands,

377. he goes, 'Ladies and Gentleman, Kayak!'"

378. - See the thing about that?

379. About the junior dancers?

380. 'Cause I remember one time, there was a junior dancer.

381. They were doing good.

382. It was called Adam and Eve as a little boy and girl,

383. and they won like three,

384. and someday it must have been,

385. somebody must've complained about it, you know, being,

386. - Bible? Biblical?

387. - Yeah, so the next week, Up and Adam!

388. Which is a much better name.

389. - I do like that, 'cause you're like...

390. - So do you wanna hear the question?

391. - Yeah, we're sort of going in circles.

392. - From Pepsiorspryte...

393. - Was it Tom Schiller?

394. - Well, we didn't wanna say that.

395. - I thought I was gonna win!

396. Who was it?

397. - I'm just reading a card.

398. - Oh! Geez!

399. - But the great Tom Schiller.

400. - I thought this was a murder mystery.

401. - Do you remember the great Tom Schiller?

402. - Tom Schiller was cool.

403. The only thing that went south with me and him

404. is that I have a bad neck, as you know,

405. and when I was so horny to be in sketches,

406. it was humiliating,

407. because I'd go into Schiller-vision bits,

408. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

409. which were sorta, you know, they'd clank a little bit,

410. - Yeah. - five to one, but...

411. - They're a little dramatic.

412. - Yeah, he'd film 'em out and about in New York,

413. and if you were in nothing sometimes you could get in those,

414. but before that one time I was in re-writes,

415. and Franken was in there, who was one of the head writers,

416. and they were doing a thing about a talk show,

417. and I had nothing in the show for like week after week,

418. so Bonnie Turner stood up, and they go,

419. "Bonnie is gonna stand up and ask a question, and say,

420. "my son, blah, blah, blah,"

421. and I go, "Can I be her son just standing next to her?"

422. and Al Franken goes, "There's no lines!"

423. I go, "I don't care, I just sit here," and he goes,

424. "How desperate are you?"

425. I'm like, "Pretty desperate. I wanna be on TV so people

426. "believe I was in Saturday Night Live, like no one even

427. "believes I'm in New York."

428. I keep going, "SNL," and they're like, "I've never,

429. "there's no proof."

430. So, I thought that'd be exciting,

431. and then I did a Schiller-vision, and the joke was

432. I grow old with this girl, Victoria Jackson, I think,

433. and then at the end I gotta get this old man makeup,

434. which is horrible,

435. and they only joke is they drop a bomb on my head,

436. like everything's going perfectly, and I get hit with

437. literally a bomb,

438. and he dropped it from a ladder, and I was like,

439. ,

440. - Oh, yeah. - and I have the bad neck,

441. but I wouldn't complain about it,

442. and he kept dropping that effing

443. - Ohhh. - bomb on my head,

444. not to be confused with an F-bomb.

445. - Gosh, almighty.

446. Who was—

447. - Anyway, that was probably where my neck got even worse.

448. - When did you hit it on Saturday Night Live?

449. - I'm doing a book of boring stories.

450. I might use that one.

451. - No, when did you hit it on Saturday Night Live?

452. - Oh, good question.

453. - Or were you worried at any point?

454. - Yeah.

455. Well, I got there, we got there

456. four shows before summer.

457. Rob Schneider and I got hired as writer performers,

458. which I didn't like at all, I wanted to be

459. just a straight performer - Four shows

460. before the summer?

461. - Before the end of the season,

462. which is weird. - That's odd.

463. We auditioned, and they go,

464. "Come in and just ride out these four and write."

465. I wrote my big Life Alert bit for Jan Hooks.

466. Life Alert.

467. - Oh yeah, I remember that.

468. - My fingers are in the toaster,

469. and it's on dark, hurry.

470. Something like, she was making reasons to talk

471. to the Life Alert guy, 'cause she was bored.

472. That one got close to getting on.

473. - Well, wait, give me the chronology of this now.

474. Was Sandler already there?

475. - No, no one was there yet.

476. - You were before Sandler.

477. - It was exodus of like, Dennis, those guys hadn't left yet,

478. but Lovitz was leaving, a lot of those people were leaving.

479. I came in with Schneider.

480. We did four shows, and then Dennis goes,

481. "You know, you better get something on,

482. "they're not gonna bring you back."

483. Meanwhile, he didn't mention it's impossible

484. to get a sketch on.

485. 'Cause you're writing against Conan O'Brien,

486. Robert Smigel, Bob Odenkirk, Jack Handy,

487. and then like, are you there then?

488. - I wasn't there, but all those other

489. guys were there, yeah, yeah. - But everyone's great.

490. - It was incredible. - Like you're there,

491. Mike Meyers is writing, and Dana, everyone's great, Dennis.

492. - Yeah.

493. - So, to be better than them and get a sketch in,

494. forget it, I didn't know what I was doing.

495. - And only four episodes to do it before...

496. - I had four episodes.

497. One was the big Dice Clay one,

498. - Oh yeah, where he got a fill-in?

499. - and one was Alec Baldwin.

500. - Nora Ephron walked off the show.

501. - So did Sinead O'Connor I think, right?

502. - I was there for that one, too.

503. - You were there for Sinead O'Connor?

504. - Yeah.

505. - It was Nora Dunn, by the way.

506. - Oh, no I meant, when Dice did it, Sinead...

507. - Was that the same show?

508. - No, that wasn't the same show.

509. - No, she said she didn't wanna do it

510. because Dice was performing,

511. so they had to get a different musical guest.

512. - Are you gonna hire this guy to ruin all the interviews?

513. So, how 'bout this?

514. When Sinead O'Connor was there,

515. Sinead ripped up her picture, and Lorne was over there like,

516. "Mmm, Irish," like he didn't even care,

517. and I was sitting, and I walked by.

518. I didn't know it was a big deal,

519. and I saw pieces, I go like this, I picked up a piece of it,

520. and I put it in my pocket, I go...

521. - Oh!

522. - Just 'cause I thought it was sort of a big deal,

523. but I didn't know.

524. - Meanwhile, it's an international story.

525. - Yeah.

526. - You know, it's crazy.

527. Monday morning, I'm about to go to work

528. for the host meeting,

529. and Inside Edition's on, they're like,

530. every story's about the Pope thing.

531. - Yeah.

532. Sinead O'Connor, and they go,

533. "The ripped up picture," and they show it,

534. and it's...

535. I go, "Oh, it looks like the real one,"

536. and one piece was missing.

537. - Ohh.

538. - And I go like this,

539. "Oh my God, that's the real ripped up picture."

540. And so, I went in and bragged about it

541. to like Sandler and everyone, and then I go,

542. "I got a piece of it," and then I got called into the office

543. by Kenny Aymong.

544. He's like, (imitating taking a drag from a cigarette),

545. and there's body guards.

546. He's like, "Anything you wanna tell us?"

547. I go, "Uh-uh," and I didn't know what was going on,

548. and they go, "Someone apparently..."

549. One of the stage hands sold that picture for ten grand

550. "to Inside Edition," and they thought I might be in on it,

551. 'cause I was blabbing like a canary

552. that I had a piece of it.

553. So, I ran to give it back,

554. then they never did anything with it.

555. I wish I had it now, I could sell that.

556. - Oh, yeah.

557. - That's a big piece of history.

558. - What was with Dice?

559. - Dice was just...

560. - But Sandler was there.

561. - No, those four he was not there,

562. and then when I came back after the summer,

563. it was Farley, and Rock,

564. and then I met Farley in my hotel

565. on the way to work the first day.

566. Then we all shared an office,

567. and then Sandler came right before Christmas I think,

568. and then he like blew by me in a rocket ship.

569. That was the hard part, is everyone was doing great,

570. and I sorta looked like Dana, and I couldn't get ahead.

571. - Yeah, he looked too much like Dana.

572. - Dana was a better version of me.

573. So if an impression looks like Sandler,

574. like the macho man, Camacho... - Right, right, right.

575. - Remember him sayin'

576. - You guys were very different, though.

577. - Me and Dana?

578. Well, just from the outside.

579. Plus, he's really good at impressions, I'm not.

580. So, I really didn't know what I was bringing to the table.

581. I was just like, "I can mumble jokes."

582. - What was the first thing that hit?

583. You could do Michael J. Fox.

584. - Yeah, but...

585. "Hey, listen,

586. "you gotta give a minute on this here, Sarge.

587. "Aw, Christ, Mallory."

588. I did that, and that,

589. and that was one of my only few impressions,

590. and when Michael J. Fox came on the show,

591. I was like feasting, going, "Oh my God, finally,

592. "I'm gonna get to do something,"

593. and Lorne called me, "I know you do a great Michael J. Fox.

594. "Can you coach Dana?"

595. - Oh! - Aww!

596. - I go, "Oof."

597. He goes, "You'll do it later, but..."

598. - Oo.

599. - So, the first one they saw was Dana doing it,

600. then I'd look like I'm doing his impression.

601. - Oh, I didn't know Dana did it.

602. - He didn't, I had to tell him to do it.

603. - But Dana did it on the show?

604. - And he came out and did it in the monologue,

605. and then I came after that and did it,

606. - Oh, I see. - so it was the three of us,

607. - Oh.

608. - Because I wasn't known enough.

609. - Oh, I see, right, right.

610. - I get sort of it wouldn't have looked

611. like a great impression if you don't even know

612. what I sound like anyway. Know what I mean?

613. - Yeah.

614. - Before we get away from it, what's the Dice, uh...

615. - Dice was really no good story.

616. - Oh, okay.

617. - There was just so much hype.

618. No, no, I mean...

619. - You said you wanted to get back to it, I thought...

620. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,

621. I thought there might've been a good story.

622. He was just the hugest host, biggest rating,

623. - Yeah.

624. - and it was just sort of an uneventful show,

625. but the Alec Baldwin one the week before was his first time,

626. and he was great, and he won an Emmy for it,

627. and that was his first time ever, and he looked so cool.

628. He was a cool dude.

629. - You weren't there for the Kinison show.

630. - No, I wish.

631. - Oh my god, I thought he was good on that show.

632. - Really cool stories from Baldwin

633. when he was in the writer's room?

634. - Are you asking me?

635. - Yeah, this is the uh,

636. this is the guy. - You're asking me

637. a question?

638. - Wow.

639. - Well, no, 'cause...

640. - No, hey, don't worry. - Ask him who his

641. - Don't let me get in the way - favorite host was.

642. - of Norm's interview.

643. - Well, who was your favorite host, actually?

644. He does this every fuckin' time.

645. He told me a great story,

646. - And then he plays dumb?

647. - and then he's like, "What are you talking about?"

648. We'll cut it later.

649. This whole part is gonna be cut.

650. - No, because I'm not here to be interviewed by him.

651. I tried to tell him that.

652. - I just thought maybe David was there,

653. and it was a pretty funny story.

654. - Maybe I'd think it's interesting.

655. I will not, but I like the idea that I might

656. - Who was your favorite host?

657. - Don't gulp your drink right after that.

658. My God, you look like this.

659. "Who's your favorite host?"

660. He's trying to do your job, exactly.

661. "Norm, we'll get to you in a second."

662. Um, my favorite host...

663. You know, they all mean something different.

664. I'll tell you a story about this hat.

665. Do you go to commercials?

666. - Yeah.

667. - You have to go to commercial?

668. I see some signs.

669. You wanna do it now?

670. - We'll be back, - Aw, yeah!

671. - and we're here.. - And we'll talk about

672. my hat when we get back.

673. We'll be back after we mop ourselves.

674. - We are back with the only David Spade.

675. - Yeah.

676. - Now, we all noticed your hat, the Kmart hat,

677. - You know where I got it?

678. - and a little birdie told me there's a story

679. that goes with the hat.

680. - No, I went out with this young lady friend for lunch,

681. that I was asking out for about a year,

682. and I'll tell you this,

683. if you are asking someone out for a year,

684. and you manage to squeeze like two lunches out of the deal,

685. you're fuckin' dead in the water.

686. You know it, you just take it, you think you might

687. gain some ground, but it's, you're done.

688. So, eight months in we get some shitty lunch,

689. but I wanna brag of course, and try to cram all my

690. accolades or things into one lunch, to try to survive.

691. - Yes.

692. Cram his accolade.

693. - Carnac?

694. - Art Fern.

695. - I don't know if that's how Carnac works.

696. - No, that was Art Fern.

697. - Oh! El Segundo!

698. So, I grab my hat outta my car,

699. and she comes in, and I'm like tryin' to act like,

700. people, I want them to know who I am,

701. but I act like I don't.

702. And she goes, "Everyone's staring,"

703. and I go, "This is just a drill,"

704. sort of with a get used to it attitude, you know?

705. - Yeah.

706. - And then she's like, "Cool hat,"

707. and I'm like, "Right?" and I go,

708. "Funny story, actually,

709. "I was doing this thing at Kmart for Grown Ups 2,

710. "worldwide smash,

711. "but before, I was assigned this Kmart gig

712. "because I'm sure Sandler just pointed, and you do this one,

713. "so I go there, and then I go, I'll just wear a Kmart hat

714. "just tell them to give me one of their hats,

715. "and they go, they don't have 'em,

716. "but they'll make you one.

717. "So, I wind up going, and they didn't have it then,

718. "but then like I week later I get a box with three hats,

719. "and I go, Kmart should make hats,

720. "because it's a cool logo."

721. So basically, the moral of the story was

722. I was in a hit movie, and Kmart made me a hat.

723. - Yeah, sure.

724. - And these are like, the take home parts,

725. the cool parts.

726. So, we go on to this sushi place, and they go,

727. "Take off your hat," and I go like this,

728. and the lady looks at it, and I go, "Ah,"

729. and it says Grown Ups 2.

730. It's not even my Kmart hat.

731. - Ohh.

732. - So, I got a Grown Ups 2 hat as a joke,

733. and I'm wearing it, it says Grown Ups 2!

734. And that's why everyone's looking at me.

735. And so, she's not tracking my story at all,

736. she's like, "Right."

737. Like it has nothing, what are you talking about Kmart for?

738. So, I go, "Oh, ah, no, I was..."

739. She goes, "Yeah, I was like what the fuck are you talking

740. "about, dude?"

741. She's like, "Anyway," then gets the fake call,

742. "Oh shit, a bunch of my friends have AIDs. I gotta go!"

743. And I'm like, "What, right now they do? They all got..."

744. And she's like, "I don't know, I better get the deets,

745. "I gotta get outta here and find out.

746. "You can't let these things sit."

747. So, I sat there, I'm like, edamame in my mouth,

748. Grown Ups hat, and I have to wear it.

749. Now it's on the table.

750. I don't know where it's worse, laying around.

751. - Remember when you'd bring girls home,

752. you'd have a little trip wire in your apartment?

753. - Yeah.

754. - Yeah.

755. - And it was my HBO special, it'd go

756. "Oh my God is that fuckin' me, is that on?"

757. They're like, "Ow, I cut my leg."

758. I go, "Ah, I gotta work on that."

759. It's supposed to be very hair trigger.

760. - 'Cause you wanted to ask questions about getting girls.

761. - Oh yeah, I have zero game, and I don't...

762. Do you have any tips?

763. - Oh, tips, no.

764. I found that I had zero game until, you know,

765. I got on the show.

766. That's really 95% of it, so...

767. - So, I'm fucked.

768. - Yeah, no, this counts as something, doesn't it?

769. - Yeah.

770. - It really doesn't.

771. - Everyone has YouTube.

772. - Well what about that story you told me?

773. Tell David that story that happened only last night

774. with Tinder.

775. - Oh, it was a few nights ago.

776. Are you familiar with the Tinder app?

777. - Sure.

778. - Yeah, sure, so I'm on there.

779. - God, look at you.

780. - I like when goes,

781. "Are you familiar with Tinder app?"

782. It's like Ted Levine.

783. - Everybody says that, I do.

784. I sound a lot like Buffalo Bill.

785. - That's good, though,

786. but when you talk about perverted things it sounds worse.

787. Are you familiar with dating sites?

788. I'm like, "Oh, I've been on one, sir."

789. "Well, maybe just give me your number, then."

790. Okay, so you were on there going like this.

791. - Yeah, so I'm on there, I match with this one girl.

792. She's like young and very attractive.

793. - "I'm a four, too!"

794. "Any fours out there?"

795. That's how I do, I start low.

796. - And I figure I'm getting catfished,

797. 'cause she's really hot, and then we start talking.

798. She's immediately texting me at like 4 AM,

799. and I'm like, "Oh, what's going on?"

800. She's like, "Oh, I'm bored, and I wish I had some weed.

801. "You wanna come over?"

802. - Shit.

803. - I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

804. She's sending pictures of her, "Oh maybe we'll have fun."

805. So, at this point...

806. - What were the pictures?

807. - It was like, her bent over with no clothes on, and stuff,

808. but at this point, my cock's making the decisions,

809. there's no... - Aw.

810. - Anyway.

811. - Tell me.

812. - And so, I call my friend, and then,

813. no, and then she's like, "Yeah, can you bring a c-note,

814. "I have a roommate that sells weed."

815. - A hundred dollar bill. - Yeah, a hundred dollar bill,

816. and we'll go get some weed and you can come over,

817. and I'm like "Ehh, am I getting mugged?"

818. I call my friend, he says,

819. "Put the phone number into Facebook,

820. and see who the person is."

821. - Shut the fuck up.

822. - Yeah, so I put the phone number into Facebook,

823. and the profile comes up,

824. and it's this black guy in a ski mask in all the pictures,

825. and I'm like, "Holy shit!" - It doesn't matter

826. what race he was, but, hey.

827. - So I, yeah, yeah.

828. - As a matter of fact, I don't know how he knew

829. he was black, he was wearing a ski mask.

830. - Well you could tell.

831. So, I head over there...

832. - You could tell?

833. - No, so I did not go. - Donald Sterling.

834. - Donald Sterling, is that what he reminds you of?

835. - Shades of, yeah.

836. So, a ski mask, so he's on his way to rob something?

837. Is that your story?

838. - Yeah, I mean that's the end of the story.

839. - No, I like that you were ahead of that, that's funny.

840. - Wait, so on his facebook, he wore a ski mask.

841. - You know Neil Armstrong owns Facebook.

842. - No, no.

843. - Eh, five guys on.

844. Just get their numbers.

845. No, that's good, so no you didn't bone this dude,

846. or what happened?

847. Was the weed good?

848. I don't know, what happened?

849. Uh, that is scary, "Bring a c-note,"

850. you think he'd rob you after all that rigamarole.

851. - Exactly, and I don't understand either,

852. he gives me an address,

853. so I don't understand how that works.

854. Wouldn't you just call like, "I was at this address,

855. "and the guy robbed me."

856. I don't know.

857. - And on his facebook, he's holding up a liquor store.

858. That's his picture.

859. Here's a question from liveandlearn102...

860. C-U-M.

861. - Yeah, I got it.

862. - Is that an urban legend?

863. - Yeah.

864. - Sounds like an urban legend.

865. - I don't even think it's an urban legend.

866. I've never heard it in my life.

867. - Maybe liveandlearn is trying to start an urban legend.

868. I'm gonna read these ahead.

869. - No, let me tell liveandlearn a story.

870. Less embarrassing, and less cum-soaked, this story,

871. which I don't know why I had to seedy on your show.

872. - No pun intended.

873. - He's your friend, dude.

874. So, I...

875. I'm trying to pick up the pace.

876. I was...

877. - Sometimes I go like, "Da dum dum."

878. - Do you have a band?

879. They're very quiet.

880. Is there a band here?

881. - No, just him.

882. He goes "Da dum dum."

883. - Can you trade him for a band?

884. Sorry, drenched.

885. - I could trade him for a fuckin' Willie Stargell card.

886. - Trade him for a fuckin' bicentennial quarter

887. in okay condition.

888. Uh, I used to collect coins.

889. That's not a great conditioning.

890. Good, very good.

891. - You used to collect coins?

892. You were a...

893. - Brilliantly uncirculated.

894. - What do you call a person who collects coins?

895. - Nerd?

896. - Virgin. - I collected coins

897. when I was young also.

898. Coins and stamps.

899. - I had a 1916-D mercury dime.

900. - Oh, really?

901. - In very good condition.

902. - What was it worth?

903. A dollar?

904. - I sold it for 120.

905. - $120? Wow.

906. - Back then, it would be worth more now.

907. So here's a stupid story. - 12,000%.

908. - Do you remember this?

909. They did, when Ross Perot was starting to come on the scene,

910. Clinton was done by Phil, and Dana did Bush,

911. so, "Hey, Smigel, I should do Ross Perot."

912. - Yeah!

913. - I'm a little squirrelly fuckin' asshole,

914. and this guy's funny to play.

915. - It'd be an easy kind of a voice to get

916. - And he goes, "Aw, I was trying to Dana for that."

917. I'm like, fuckin'...

918. - "But Dana's doing Bush," you reply.

919. - Yeah, it was like, when will it be enough for Dana Carvey?

920. - Yeah!

921. - So, I get a call they're doing a presidential special

922. on prime time, the debates.

923. Bush, Perot, and Clinton.

924. - Oo.

925. - And I get the call, "Oh, need somebody?"

926. They're like, "Yeah, can you play Perot?"

927. I go, "Great."

928. 45 minutes of makeup.

929. We all walk out, you know, Phil does Clinton,

930. Dana does Bush.

931. They cut to me, I'm looking at the cue cards, they go,

932. "Cut, alright let's get Dana into the Perot outfit."

933. - Ohh. - Oh my God,

934. you were his stand-in? - I was used

935. for the wide shot.

936. - Oh, good gosh.

937. - Humiliation.

938. - Wow, that is something, man.

939. - Yeah.

940. - Wow.

941. - I left with my tail between my legs.

942. - Yeah.

943. - Embarrassing.

944. I don't know why I'm telling you one of these sad stories.

945. - Coolerthanyou22 asks,

946. - I don't gamble really.

947. Sometimes they offer to pay you in chips.

948. - Yes.

949. - You ever had that happen?

950. - Sure, of course.

951. - You're a good gambler, though, used to be.

952. - Used to be.

953. - You know what a funny story about you gambling is?

954. - No.

955. - Do you want me to tell it?

956. - I don't know what it is.

957. - At SNL, when they give you the limo to go to the party,

958. you'd go to Atlantic City.

959. - Lorne's like, "Where is he?"

960. - 'Cause the driver would always be like,

961. "I'm paid for this?"

962. He'd have to sit outside of Trump for two days.

963. - You go, "Yeah, the party's at Trump."

964. That's not even the funny part.

965. The funny part is you go, "I have 15 grand I'm up,

966. it's in my fridge in chips and I'm nervous,"

967. and I go, "Great,"

968. and the next week you go, I go, "Did you go back?"

969. "Yeah.

970. "I'm at 90."

971. I go, "90 fucking grand?"

972. - I had a lot of chips in my fridge.

973. - Just buy a Porsche 911, you'll have something, and you go,

974. "No, no, no, that's not how you do it."

975. Next week, "I'm at 75."

976. I go, "Shit."

977. The next week is, "I'm at 10."

978. The fuckin' most predictable story,

979. and you had the chips in your fridge, you said like,

980. "I don't know what to do with 'em, I'm scared."

981. - Yeah, 'cause you can only cash in 10,000 at a time,

982. or else they report it over 10.

983. They've always done that.

984. - I know.

985. - They should raise it.

986. But, you know, you also can't take more than 10,000

987. on an airplane with you for some reason.

988. - Fuck.

989. - So, that's chump change to you.

990. - What are me and Money Mayweather gonna do?

991. We have a backpack of a million dollars at all times.

992. - So you're not gonna say what your biggest vice is, though.

993. - Look at Donald Sterling over here is biting his tongue

994. on that one.

995. He really wants to chime in.

996. - This never came out before.

997. He's a virulent anti-semite.

998. That's come out on the show.

999. - We had a bar mitzvah.

1000. - A virulent?

1001. Is that a word? - Well, he's a

1002. Holocaust denier.

1003. - Oh.

1004. - But we never heard his view - I'm not a

1005. - on African Americans - Holocaust denier.

1006. until this very show.

1007. That's interesting that you got that out of him.

1008. - Plenty of my friends dated

1009. a black... - Plenty of

1010. black friends.

1011. - Dated a black woman for months, um...

1012. No, I'm not a racist.

1013. - Donald Sterling dated a black girl.

1014. - That's right.

1015. - We all ish.

1016. - What?

1017. - Ish.

1018. - He said today that your she said she's nice girl,

1019. - He did?

1020. - So, put that to rest, yeah.

1021. - Really?

1022. - He said she's a nice girl.

1023. You know, I like what Tommy Lasorda said,

1024. "I don't wish her any bad luck, but I hope she gets

1025. "hit by a car."

1026. - About the girl?

1027. Lasorda said that?

1028. - He said he's been friends with Sterling for 30 years.

1029. - Alright, my son, Dylan.

1030. You know my son, Dylan.

1031. - I was about to say, are we getting the phones out?

1032. - Well, during the break, I...

1033. - Oh yeah, he said he has questions for me, sure.

1034. I remember Dylan as a kid.

1035. I haven't seen him lately, but I know he's a big

1036. studly dude now.

1037. - He's a good boy, plays a lot of basketball,

1038. and he does comedy.

1039. - He does?

1040. - He's in a little sketch troupe.

1041. - So does Carvey's kid.

1042. - Yeah? - Yeah.

1043. - Gosh, if they got together,

1044. my son could be a stand-in.

1045. I said, "I'm interviewing David Spade,

1046. "do you have a question?"

1047. He says, "That's really cool.

1048. "I do not off the top of my head."

1049. That's not insulting.

1050. No, he knows you and he loves you.

1051. He played basketball with you on your front lawn.

1052. Here's a question from cokeorleprosy, number 3-2-2.

1053. "And he says racked up like a deuce,

1054. "another runner in the night, but...

1055. - I thought he said douche.

1056. - "but he makes it sound like douche."

1057. - Is that what he says in there?

1058. - Yeah.

1059. "Why does he make it sound like douche,

1060. "and why is it frightening at the end,

1061. "and did it have any meaning to you?"

1062. - Fuck, it's a 10 parter.

1063. Maybe we should get Manfred Mann on the phone.

1064. I'd like to call

1065. a lifeline.

1066. So, we have to break this into parts.

1067. - Mostly he's asking you, do you—

1068. - I, during Black Sheep had too many lights in my eyes

1069. one time and I had to go home, 'cause it was like,

1070. it did something.

1071. - Oh, is that where it started?

1072. I didn't know that.

1073. - It's been hard to get a lot of light,

1074. but I have all these ailments and problems.

1075. No one wants to hear them, they're boring.

1076. Cokeorleprosy.

1077. - He's delicate.

1078. - What is cokeorleprosy?

1079. - I always thought David was a delicate soul.

1080. - Yeah, I am, it's sad.

1081. - And I always thought Farley was such a powerful man,

1082. that it would not be he that went first.

1083. - Oh my god, it got a little dark.

1084. - But, on the other hand, sometimes being delicate

1085. makes you take care of yourself more.

1086. - Yeah, I was always sort of a little more boring.

1087. - Could you even stand a massage?

1088. Would a massage be too much for you?

1089. - Um, no, I could take it.

1090. - Oh, you can take a massage?

1091. - I go like this.

1092. That's the universal sign.

1093. I go, "I didn't say anything."

1094. One time I had this girl,

1095. I met her at a charity,

1096. and she goes, "I'm a masseuse," or whatever.

1097. So, I stayed at this hotel, and...

1098. Let's see how far I can get out of this.

1099. No, I can't.

1100. Well, just the skimming part was she was super normal,

1101. but when she was doing it she starts putting my feet

1102. in her mouth,

1103. - Oh my God

1104. - and I didn't know what was going on.

1105. I didn't wanna say anything.

1106. - Oh my God.

1107. - And then I go, "I dunno."

1108. She goes, "No, I like this,"

1109. and I go, "Oh, okay, I don't, whatever.

1110. "I'm the customer."

1111. But it was so weird, she's going like this, like

1112. and I'm like,

1113. "I'm paying you."

1114. - She liked it.

1115. - Yeah.

1116. I was like, "What about shit I like?"

1117. - Yeah, really.

1118. - She was not like that.

1119. - He was telling me a question.

1120. He was saying he likes to take a girl,

1121. and then he says, "Here, lick my thumb,"

1122. - Oh, boy.

1123. - and then, while he's having sex with her from behind,

1124. "Lick my thumb, and I'll put it in your..."

1125. - Glass hole?

1126. - Yeah, but then you know what he does?

1127. - He goes, (makes farting noise) "Take the dry one."

1128. Tricked ya!

1129. That's horrible.

1130. - Zombieking78 asks,

1131. - Oh, God!

1132. - Back to these killer questions.

1133. - You went to Saguaro High School in Scottsdale,

1134. the same place as Sandra Bernhard.

1135. - Yeah, yeah.

1136. - Are you aware of that?

1137. - Is that what they said?

1138. Fuck those guys.

1139. - You ever meet Sandra Bernhard?

1140. - I saw her when I started stand-up at the LAX,

1141. funny how you remember these things,

1142. LAX carousel for the baggage, and I go,

1143. "Hey, I'm from Saguaro, too."

1144. Sa-war-o's how you say it.

1145. - Yeah.

1146. - She goes, "Oh," and I go,

1147. "Yeah I went there, I'm doing stand-up, too,"

1148. and she goes, "Cool."

1149. - Yeah, she's aloof, huh?

1150. - A little chilly.

1151. - Not charismatic.

1152. - No.

1153. - No?

1154. What about Paul Mooney?

1155. You ever meet him?

1156. - Uh, yeah, the comedian?

1157. - Yeah.

1158. - He's not from there.

1159. - No, no, but did you ever meet him?

1160. - Oh, boy.

1161. - Do you find Paul Mooney,

1162. - She wants to go on a break.

1163. - Charleecoughman asks,

1164. - She wants to go on a break.

1165. - We're goin' to break.

1166. - He's very funny.

1167. Now we go to break.

1168. - Paul Mooney.

1169. - Very funny.

1170. - Considered very funny by David Spade.

1171. And myself.

1172. Do you like Paul?

1173. You work at the world famous Comedy Store

1174. - The one here?

1175. - with such people as Argus Hamilton.

1176. - Yeah.

1177. - Are you familiar with Argus Hamilton?

1178. - Yeah.

1179. - Did you ever do The Comedy Store?

1180. - I'll tell you when we come back.

1181. - When we come back, more with David.

1182. Back with David Spade.

1183. Tell us about Byron Allen.

1184. - I wanna tell you about my Comedy Store.

1185. - Yeah, tell us about The Comedy Store.

1186. - So, when I came out to do stand-up.

1187. - You came from Arizona, Scottsdale, Arizona.

1188. - Yeah, so I came out, and I did a gig with the Funny Boys

1189. comedy team in San Diego Improv.

1190. - The Funny Boys consisted of Jim, um.

1191. - Vallely.

1192. - Vallely.

1193. - Jonathan Schmock.

1194. - And Jonathan Schmock.

1195. - They were very good.

1196. So, they said, "Why don't you come to LA

1197. "and audition and stuff?"

1198. So, I stayed on their couch.

1199. Louie Anderson, who I met, said, "I'll get you an audition

1200. at The Comedy Store, and that'll get me an audition

1201. "at the Improv."

1202. - In exchange for?

1203. - I'm sorry?

1204. We're skimming over some stuff.

1205. So, I go there, and I'm about to go on my little

1206. six minute set for Mitsy Shore,

1207. and then I have a really bad headache,

1208. so back then I took, I had these two Bufferin,

1209. or something ancient, you know non-slick.

1210. They're like dry like Anacin, and I'm like this.

1211. I have the bottom of my greyhound,

1212. or whatever I was drinking, I'm like this.

1213. Then I go

1214. but it's mostly ice, and I'm like

1215. 'cause they got caught.

1216. One got caught, I'm like

1217. - And then you can taste it.

1218. - And it's burning a hole.

1219. Now it's up in my sinuses somehow,

1220. so my headache's a thousand times worse,

1221. and I go get water and it can't come out,

1222. and then I like hock it out somehow,

1223. like it does like a circle, I don't know where it came from,

1224. and I'm like, "Oh my God."

1225. So then they go, "Ready for ya!"

1226. This is the only five minutes of my life I wasn't

1227. thinking about my act.

1228. I was like (makes choking noises) trying to live,

1229. and I go, "Oh, wait, I gotta go on, yeah."

1230. So I go in there, I'm like, "Ya da da,"

1231. and then he walks out after, he goes, "She didn't like it."

1232. - Louie did?

1233. - I go, "What?"

1234. He goes, "She passed."

1235. He's like, "So..."

1236. - A consolation prize.

1237. - No, he goes, "Rob Schneider ran outta my house

1238. in his underpants."

1239. He said that as a joke.

1240. - He did?

1241. - I don't know, it was funny.

1242. - Tell him your story about Louie.

1243. You have one story.

1244. - He came by the Store, he was really nice to everyone.

1245. - Does he come in?

1246. - (imitating Louie Anderson) It's hot in here!

1247. It is hot in here, though.

1248. - Alright, whatever.

1249. - That was your story?

1250. - Ewok94...

1251. That's a ridiculous question.

1252. This is kind of a general question.

1253. Tylerkane writes...

1254. - What's right with 'em?

1255. You had a good question for the other day.

1256. What's for sure?

1257. - Oh yeah, that was a good question.

1258. Did that make it?

1259. It didn't make it?

1260. Oh, it did.

1261. - It did, and I said, "Nothing."

1262. - You got the right answer.

1263. Chuckthekid says...

1264. - Yeah, that's what I'm goin' for

1265. - That's a good look, a musketeer is...

1266. - More like a Mouseketeer.

1267. I comb my hair because I realize that I had the same hair

1268. for like 20 years, so now I'm only 5 years

1269. back in my hairstyles instead of 20.

1270. - My God, you look young, though.

1271. - I look alright?

1272. - Very young."

1273. - I was saying on the way over here,

1274. I remember the old bit you did

1275. where you showed the picture of Macaulay Culkin and you,

1276. and I thought it was funny how you aged very nice,

1277. and Macaulay...

1278. - Oh, Macaulay lapped me.

1279. - Yeah, he really did.

1280. - Well, he's into some crazy stuff.

1281. - Do you have a picture up in the attic?

1282. Tell the truth.

1283. - Of what?

1284. Of him?

1285. - Dorian Gray.

1286. - I don't know what that means.

1287. - Beefyjirk says this next...

1288. - That's a good question.

1289. - Do you ever go to the Playboy Mansion?

1290. - No, you know what, I see people and they're like, "Hey."

1291. Like at the Rainbow or something

1292. you see these guys and they're like,

1293. "I always see you at the mansion."

1294. I went there once eight years ago, and before that

1295. it was like six before that.

1296. "You're always at the fuckin' mansion.

1297. "Dude, I'm always up there, I see you."

1298. - It's not much of a place, is it?

1299. You were in an episode, Sausageking says, of Baywatch...

1300. - I don't think my name was BJ, which kills this question,

1301. but I was Surfer #2.

1302. - Oh, your name wasn't BJ?

1303. - BJ was the main bad guy, and I think I was Surfer #2.

1304. - Oh yeah, Surfer #2.

1305. Do you have that somewhere?

1306. Like on tape?

1307. - Baywatch?

1308. - Yeah.

1309. - You know, I did it the week before I did

1310. the HBO Young Comedians special, 'cause I was super

1311. white blonde hair 'cause of the goddamn ocean.

1312. - That was a good special.

1313. You should get that special.

1314. - Have you seen my new one yet?

1315. - I have not seen it, but I've seen you perform live

1316. at the Improv.

1317. - Dennis Miller hosted.

1318. It was David, it was Drake Sather, it was Warren Thomas,

1319. it was Jan Karam,

1320. - Freddy Stoller.

1321. - Jan Karam was in it? - it was Freddy Stoller.

1322. - Fred Stoller.

1323. - Oh, and Freddy.

1324. - So it was great, great comedians.

1325. - It also must've been awhile ago.

1326. - From Roy in Gary, Indiana...

1327. - I guess we're taking about something else now.

1328. - This guy black?

1329. - I don't know if he's black.

1330. - Well, the way you sold the question.

1331. Uh, no, it's slowed down.

1332. I did have a decent run, but it's over.

1333. - We're gonna do jokes.

1334. These questions are stupid.

1335. I should've just asked questions that I thought of myself.

1336. - Can I take my gift bag home?

1337. Thanks for being on the Norm show.

1338. This, this, this pen.

1339. - Do you wanna do some jokes, David?

1340. - Fuck, something, yeah.

1341. - Here's a very, what do you call it,

1342. when a joke is just ripped from today's headlines?

1343. - Topical.

1344. - Topical!

1345. - After being drafted in the 7th round by the Rams,

1346. Michael Sam kissed his boyfriend.

1347. The celebration didn't end there,

1348. because on ESPN2 there was full insertion.

1349. This is a joke.

1350. - That's kinda, these are jokes on these cards.

1351. - Oh, okay.

1352. - It's time for this week's This Week I Learned.

1353. Adam?

1354. This is a thing we do, This Week I Learned.

1355. - Uh, this week I learned that cum tastes like nickels.

1356. - Is that true?

1357. - That cum tastes like nickels?

1358. - Yeah, that's funny.

1359. Is that what it says?

1360. - That's what it says here.

1361. - This week I learned how many gallons of sweat

1362. my Kmart hat can hold.

1363. Jesus Christ.

1364. - But you know, people are watching that envy the heat,

1365. from all across this nation.

1366. - Yeah, sounds like when I was in Arizona.

1367. I hate that.

1368. - This is interesting.

1369. A study has found that the average highschool prom goer

1370. now spends $1000, or $2000 if you count the abortion.

1371. Have you ever been with a girl that had an abortion?

1372. - Sir.

1373. This guy goes in and they go, "Hey, 10th one's free."

1374. Hit his card.

1375. - I do have a lot of abortions.

1376. - I know, under your belt.

1377. - Here's another joke for ya.

1378. - A West Chester parking enforcement officer stole $89,000

1379. in quarters.

1380. How much laundry does this guy need to do?

1381. - Now this is a good performing joke.

1382. - The man behind the voice of Tony the Tiger...

1383. Sadly, the man behind the voice of Tony the Tiger

1384. died at 64.

1385. His last words?

1386. "I don't feel Grrreat."

1387. I gave it something.

1388. Are these left over from when you did Update?

1389. - Oh, boy.

1390. Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane.

1391. How 'bout that, huh?

1392. You know who I feel sorry for, the guy in the middle seat.

1393. - This saves it.

1394. - Do you like American Idol?

1395. - Sure.

1396. - Okay.

1397. - Wait, no I don't like it then, do the joke.

1398. - Oh, here's a good one.

1399. - Are these from the audience they write 'em?

1400. Did you read 'em?

1401. Did you write 'em or the audience?

1402. - Just read.

1403. - Neil Patrick Harris posed nude

1404. for the cover of Rolling Stone.

1405. - This is a true story.

1406. Neil Patrick Harris posed nude for...

1407. - Am I reading it wrong?

1408. - No, just saying, it's a true story.

1409. - Neil Patrick Harris posed nude

1410. for the cover of Rolling Stone, except for a hat

1411. hanging off his wiener, and this morning Adam Eget...

1412. Oh, is that your name?

1413. Fuckin' change it.

1414. And this morning Adam woke up and said,

1415. "Hey, where's my hat?"

1416. - it's on Neil Patrick Harris's cock.

1417. - It's on his dick.

1418. Go get it.

1419. - I bet Neil Patrick Harris fuckin' shoved his cock

1420. up his asshole.

1421. - Huh?

1422. - Oh my God.

1423. - But he probably couldn't even get it hard,

1424. 'cause look at him, so he had to like cram it in.

1425. You ever have to cram it in, where...

1426. No, you probably...

1427. - Nah, it's a lotta work.

1428. Sometimes it's not worth the anal sex.

1429. - We are living in a golden age...

1430. - Can we just tell people we went into the behind,

1431. and not have to really do it?

1432. - The behind.

1433. - I'm tryin' to clean up your fuckin' show.

1434. - We are living in a golden age of Adam masturbating

1435. to interracial granny porn.

1436. - Kinda told you that one in confidence, so that's fine.

1437. - He's a real good foil.

1438. - Have you ever gone on porn and then something shows up

1439. you don't wanna see?

1440. - Yeah. Gaping.

1441. - Gaping. Exactly.

1442. - You know what's funny, mother daughter porn?

1443. Because the guy is like a hot 18 year old,

1444. and then you got like an older cougar,

1445. and the chick's doing it, and the guy's all excited,

1446. and then she goes, "Get off, I'll show you

1447. "how you ride that cock,"

1448. and he's like, "No!" and he's pulling the other one

1449. by her foot, and she's like, "Can I keep my 300 up front?"

1450. And then this one like, "Yeah, you like that shit?

1451. "Not bad for 57."

1452. He's like, "57?

1453. "You're a fucking cougar I thought.

1454. "I gotta talk to the union about putting some parameters

1455. "on this fucking word cougar.

1456. "Jesus, you old hag."

1457. And he's always darting back to the fake daughter, going...

1458. She's like, "I can't move her, she's too sturdy."

1459. She's like, "This is how you do it, sissy."

1460. Disgusting.

1461. - What was the website called again?

1462. - It's just mother daughter porn, I don't know

1463. if there's a particular site.

1464. - One that I saw, it was a porno, and it was funny,

1465. 'cause it was like a true moment

1466. all of a sudden in the porno.

1467. The guy was eating, he was behind the girl,

1468. and she was like standing up, and he was eating out her ass.

1469. Hole.

1470. And then, she's like, "Yeah, eat out that asshole,

1471. "eat out that asshole."

1472. Then she's like, "Come on, eat it,

1473. "is that the best you can do?"

1474. And then the guy goes...

1475. He was like, shocked, and then he went back to it.

1476. First of all, how much technique can there be involved?

1477. - You're back there, you won.

1478. Someone's licking your ass.

1479. Be happy.

1480. - You know what kinda porno this guy enjoys the best.

1481. - I thought we covered it.

1482. - Cuckhold porn.

1483. - Oh, he stands there and watch someone fuck his girlfriend?

1484. - Yeah, someone of a different race.

1485. - Is it always, is that what it means?

1486. - Traditionally, yeah.

1487. - Traditionally.

1488. - Where did you get that voice?

1489. - I don't know, I scared you.

1490. Sometimes it's comforting.

1491. But I never knew what cuckhold meant.

1492. I just click on it.

1493. What's this one?

1494. Oh, okay, I get it.

1495. - I don't like that gaping stuff.

1496. - No, no good.

1497. - No one searches that into the search bar.

1498. - I think old people say porno like us,

1499. an everyone else says porn.

1500. Do you think that's true?

1501. - Oh, that makes sense, yeah.

1502. Rock told me, I was talking about reality TV.

1503. He said, "It's called TV."

1504. He says, "Only old people call it reality TV."

1505. - Is that right?

1506. - Old people call it reality shows.

1507. "They're called shows."

1508. - Look at this one, about the mass, the great big story.

1509. - I skipped the black mass,

1510. - Forget that one.

1511. - I skipped the black mass, that devil.

1512. - No, no, forget that one, forget that one.

1513. - Am I reading it right?

1514. - Forget that one.

1515. You know, George Clooney is engaged.

1516. How 'bout that, huh?

1517. He and you were sort of the modern day, huh?

1518. - Read that one.

1519. - What?

1520. Oh you like this one?

1521. - He'll like it.

1522. - He'll like it, he should read it.

1523. - Dr. Dre announced that he's the first hip hop billionaire,

1524. a regular J. Paul Ghetto.

1525. - I think you mean Geppetto.

1526. - Well here's actually a joke about Donald Sterling.

1527. - Okay.

1528. All the charities that Donald Sterling donated

1529. millions of dollars to are giving the money back to him.

1530. Well, that'll show him.

1531. That's not bad.

1532. - That's a pretty good one.

1533. How 'bout this?

1534. A pit bull, what is it?

1535. To stop a pit bull attacking her daughter,

1536. a Texas man bit the dog.

1537. Well, that's an interesting story, a man bites a dog.

1538. It's not what I would call news.

1539. - Man bites dog?

1540. Used to be dog bites man, right?

1541. Is that the joke?

1542. - Yeah.

1543. - I don't get this, I don't get it really.

1544. Do you write these, for real?

1545. Do these come from the fuckin' YouTube subscribers

1546. or whatever?

1547. - You know, the search for the Malaysian Airlines,

1548. did you hear about the latest?

1549. - I knew it was missing, that's all.

1550. - Yeah, well did you hear about the latest?

1551. - No.

1552. - Here, it's on this card.

1553. - Okay.

1554. The search continues.

1555. In related news, a plane was spotted by some cavemen

1556. in the year 365 B.C.

1557. I don't totally get it, is it back in time?

1558. - This is the final joke in my hand.

1559. - Thank God, are we getting a wrap-up?

1560. - I hold the final joke.

1561. - Please, 'cause I have to make some calls.

1562. - Thank you for being with us, David.

1563. and you look great.

1564. - I do?

1565. - Yes, to me, I'm quite shocked actually by it.

1566. I mean, I see David from time to time, but...

1567. - No, 'cause I got a lot skinnier,

1568. 'cause I ate vegetables. - What, was that it?

1569. - Yeah, on SNL I'd eat pizza or fat stuff,

1570. and I got pasty and weird.

1571. - By golly, you look young though.

1572. Doesn't he look young?

1573. - Yeah that's shocking.

1574. - I mean, I see him all the time,

1575. but for some reason it struck me today.

1576. - Are we the same age?

1577. - How old?

1578. - You know who I think I'm the same age as?

1579. Russel Crowe.

1580. I think he looks older than me.

1581. - I just hit a huge number.

1582. - I don't wanna, let's not talk about it.

1583. - Yeah, I'm 50.

1584. 50 years old.

1585. - Nine more years I'll be there.

1586. - I hold in my hand...

1587. He's young.

1588. But his cock doesn't work.

1589. In my hand I hold

1590. - The last...

1591. - The final joke,

1592. and then we fade to black, David.

1593. So, thank you for being with us.

1594. - I like that people have headsets on here

1595. like this is some sort of real show.

1596. It's pretty funny.

1597. Go ahead, do the last one.

1598. - This is usually where I say, "Thank you, David Spade,"

1599. and then everyone and the crew sort of applauds.

1600. - Okay. Read the last joke.

1601. - David Spade.

1602. - Read your last joke then.

1603. - No, they usually should have done it by now.

1604. - I like that you can hear the crew.

1605. They're interactive.

1606. - Here it is.

1607. Thank you for being with us, David.

1608. Would you like to have any parting words?

1609. Any parting words?

1610. - Me for David?

1611. - For David.

1612. - Oh yeah, thanks for being here.

1613. - Okay.

1614. - Do you wanna say it in your regular voice?

1615. - Uh, you mean a more Buffalo Bill?

1616. Thanks for being here.

1617. Like that?

1618. - The final joke

1619. - It's growing on me.

1620. - from David Spade.

1621. A man in Chipeta.

1622. - Did you help me, like, with that line?

1623. A man in Chipeta allowed a hyena to eat his penis

1624. after being told by a witch doctor

1625. it would help him become rich.

1626. Is it me or does it sound like that witch doctor

1627. and hyena were in cahoots?

1628. That's pretty...

1629. I'm glad you saved that one.

1630. - David Spade, yeah!

1631. - Let me get my things.