Norm Macdonald Live 2x13

1. - Tonight, for the full hour, Jack Carter

2. will be with us, I have to explain

3. the table, we had to get lower for Mr. Carter

4. because he broke both legs in a car accident.

5. - Oh my God.

6. - But he still shows up.

7. You know why?

8. - 'Cause he's a man?

9. - No.

10. Because the show must go on.

11. Have you ever heard that one?

12. - I have.

13. - So Jack Carter will be here, and he will be

14. telling us about the real days of comedy.

15. When men were men.

16. - I'm excited to hear that.

17. He must have a million stories.

18. - So, first of course we have our business to attend to.

19. I'm talking about our opening remarks.

20. Now many times our opening remarks consist of me

21. telling you a very funny joke.

22. - Yeah, I just love that.

23. - And you laughing, and they're not jokes I make up,

24. they're old jokes, but you were telling me

25. that you had compiled some old jokes?

26. - I did, I went through, I found a bunch of

27. old jokes that I don't think you've heard before,

28. I'd love to get your opinion on some of these.

29. - Okay, sure.

30. - First one I found, a lady's on a cruise ship

31. with her little boy, he falls over board,

32. - Ah yes, he also had a hat.

33. - Fair enough, you've heard that one.

34. Here's a good one, guy dies, goes to heaven,

35. he has to wait outside the pearly gates.

36. - That's J.C., you idiot, his old man owns the place!

37. - Dog and a man go into a-

38. - Should I have said DiMaggio, perhaps?

39. The point of these jokes is you have to get

40. a little more obscure.

41. Not jokes that any child would know.

42. - Oh, here's one.

43. In a convent-

44. - Not surprised, you've been bitchin' ever since

45. he got here.

46. - Carpet-layer-

47. - Here's your cigarettes, by the way,

48. have you seen my canaries?

49. - How do even frickin' know these?

50. Ah, a farmer-

51. - Turn the straw around, you think I need your germs?

52. - A nun is-

53. - Nice tits, lady, now where do you want these

54. Venetian blinds?

55. - There's a parrot-

56. - Okay, I give up, what'd you do with the ship?

57. - How do you know these?

58. Fuck, alright, a Polish-

59. - Kidneys!

60. - Really?

61. - Yes, everyone knows these.

62. - A tapeworm-

63. - Where's my cookies?

64. - How do you even know that one?

65. Okay.

66. - 'Cause they're old hat.

67. You gotta get something, come on, man.

68. - Here you are, here you go now, I got one for you.

69. - Good, I'm waiting to hear, I wanna be the audience here.

70. - There's a-

71. - Cannibal?

72. - Honestly how did you even know I was

73. gonna say cannibal?

74. - This clown tastes funny.

75. - This is beyond frustrating.

76. - Well come on, there must be something in there,

77. something.

78. - Okay.

79. What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

80. - What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

81. - Really?

82. - I remember there was a branch of elephant jokes.

83. I don't know, what time is it when an elephant

84. sits on a fence?

85. - It's time to get a new fence.

86. You're an idiot.

87. This is ridiculous.

88. I quit.

89. - We'll be back with Jack Carter right after this.

90. - Tonight for the entire hour, the legendary Jack Carter,

91. he has hosted Cavalcade of Stars, was a frequent

92. guest on the Ed Sullivan show, the Joey Bishop show,

93. he was on Match Game, I don't know why they

94. put that one on.

95. Say hello to the great Jack Carter, trusty

96. sidekick Adam Eget, go ahead, say hello.

97. - Hi Mr. Carter.

98. - How 'bout the Jack Carter Show for three years?

99. - Yeah, why didn't they put that on?

100. - Before Sid Caesar, yeah.

101. - Wait a minute, you were the lead-in

102. to Sid Caesar?

103. - It was called the Saturday Night Revue.

104. And I was so spectacular in my hour.

105. And I had to come to Chicago 'cause the cable

106. went the wrong way.

107. So I had to go to Chicago, I had to import all my stars.

108. So they thought I'd be trapped, but the Chez Paris

109. nightclub in Chicago had Tony Martin,

110. the Ritz brothers, the Marx brothers.

111. - The Ritz brothers, I like them.

112. - Marx brothers, the greatest stars.

113. - I saw them at the Follies in Palm Springs.

114. - Yeah.

115. - Ever hear of that place?

116. - Yeah, no that's-

117. - In Palm Springs, they have a place, the Follies,

118. and they have old-

119. - Yeah, I hear about the old days, there's old-time guy

120. running it, what's his name?

121. - Riff, Riff?

122. - Riff Marco is his name.

123. No, that folded.

124. - We were speaking moments before.

125. - I had the biggest names on my show.

126. - On the Jack Carter Show.

127. - Dumont.

128. - Is that what the Jack Carter Show was on?

129. - The Dumont, yeah.

130. - Is that what the Show of Shows was on?

131. - No, Saturday Night Live.

132. I created, when they said nobody'd stay home Saturday.

133. I said baloney, they'll watch, and I was a big hit,

134. and that's when NBC bought me to put me on

135. before Sid Caesar.

136. - I see, I see.

137. - And then Max Liebman, Sid's producer,

138. went crazy 'cause my show was such a hit,

139. and he said no sketches, no singing stars, no opera,

140. and I had that.

141. But that's what he had, so he fought to get me off NBC.

142. - So when you went to NBC the Show of Shows was

143. already a hit?

144. - I was already a hit, yeah.

145. No it was, I was doing well, but then my hour

146. before it kinda took away from it.

147. - So Sid Caesar was-

148. - 'Cause he thought I'd just do jokes

149. and vaudeville, and cockamamie,

150. but I put on good people, I'd get opera people,

151. I'd get good sketch people, I had original songwriters,

152. I was more productive and he got furious and

153. went to NBC and screamed and yelled.

154. - Caesar?

155. - No no, Max Liebman, I remember he was a terrible man.

156. - What about Sid Caesar?

157. - No, Sid, we remained friends 'til

158. I buried him the other day, I did the eulogy.

159. Sid died a terrible crippling,

160. he was emaciated, this strong bull of a guy.

161. - Yeah, powerful.

162. - He was such a powerhouse, really just

163. fell apart, you know?

164. - Now we were speaking moments before we went on the show

165. that you felt privileged to work with these

166. Titans of comedy.

167. - Yeah I was thinking the other day,

168. I remember sitting in Vegas, at the Flamingo,

169. which was the hotel I worked a lot, I headlined

170. every hotel there, and I said gee, a headliner,

171. you gotta really draw people.

172. I headlined the Sands, the Sahara, but

173. my favorite was the Flamingo.

174. I was known for the Flamingo.

175. And one day Jack Benny and George Burns

176. come in to my room, and Benny just stood there and went,

177. "Well, you know you do more in 45 minutes

178. than I've done in my entire career."

179. And we became, Burns and I, we were really close.

180. George Burns was wonderful, he's a wonderful man.

181. Wonderful wonderful, get up in the morning, wrote.

182. I forget my Burns jokes now.

183. - When you say Jack Benny-

184. - He's at the age now, when a girl says no,

185. he says "thank you."

186. At my age, sex is like trying to shoot pool

187. with a rope.

188. - That's a great one.

189. - To be a kid in my father's candy store radio

190. listening to the Jack Benny show,

191. then know 20 years later I'm gonna be out

192. with Jack Benny, and Mary.

193. - Now Jack Benny, but when he said that,

194. that has truth to it though, because

195. did Jack Benny ever do standup?

196. - Sure.

197. - He did.

198. - He did standup.

199. - So he did it at that pace?

200. - When he came to see me in Vegas with George,

201. he was in drag, he played Gracie.

202. That was a big one at the Sahara.

203. So George was George, and Jack came out

204. and he loved to get dressed in a dress.

205. He wasn't gay, he was fey.

206. - Now when I've seen you do standup,

207. which is only a few times, one time I remember

208. I saw you and it was more conversational.

209. - Well I started as a mimic, so it was easy.

210. - You started as a mimic?

211. - A mimic, yeah, impressions.

212. Everybody did back then, you did Major Bowes,

213. you did other amateur hours.

214. - Major Bowes was a television show

215. that was an amateur hour.

216. - It was the biggest, it was the forerunner

217. of later it was Arthur Godfried, and then it was

218. something else, but the Major Bowes, then you

219. went on tour, and on my first tour

220. it was Paul Winchell the ventriloquist,

221. and Sinatra.

222. Frank was with the Hoboken Four, but they

223. picked him out single.

224. And we got forty bucks to tour.

225. And work every major theater in America.

226. - That's amazing, God.

227. - But then I did only impressions,

228. I did Cary Grant, I did Peter Lorrie, I did ones

229. nobody did.

230. I did Bela Lugosi.

231. - How'd that go?

232. - Bela Lugosi, come to my grave,

233. bleah, you're going to go to a great, bleah, bleah.

234. I'm going to a bleah.

235. No language, just bleah.

236. - When I saw you do standup-

237. - I actually had him on a sketch on one of my shows,

238. Boris Karloff.

239. - Oh you do him too?

240. - The sweetest man that ever lived.

241. Thank you very much, I'm so happy, he had a lisp, you know.

242. And we made him, he had a kid, and he was the babysitter.

243. Good writer.

244. - That's a great idea.

245. - Don't worry, I'll take care of the young sir.

246. Feed him some strychnine and soda, he'll love it.

247. - Was he British?

248. - British, yeah.

249. - He was British, huh.

250. - Boris Karloff?

251. Oh yeah.

252. - I didn't realize it until I just heard your impression.

253. - But he had a big lisp, Borith Karloff.

254. - When I saw you do standup you were like a parrot,

255. so you never stopped talking.

256. - I was driven.

257. - And I remember you telling a story about Sam Sneed

258. being the meanest man you ever met.

259. - Yeah.

260. - Remember that?

261. - No, but it sounds so true.

262. Yeah, he was nasty man, I remember I was at

263. Pinehurst, I did a show at the club.

264. - Oh, Pinehurst, they just had the US Open there.

265. - He was a pro, yeah.

266. And he charged people 100 bucks just to

267. walk around the course with him, you know.

268. And then he'd give a lesson, he'd charge

269. lessons were $250.

270. And I went along on one just for laughs,

271. and the woman said, well do I hold the club like this?

272. And he says, you hit the goddamn ball, lady.

273. Hit the shit out of it.

274. Oh, maybe if I stood?

275. No, hit the damn ball, let's move on.

276. - Now you had a question about something?

277. - The Friars Roast?

278. Yeah, I just saw that, are you still in the Friars Club?

279. Or were you a member of the Friars Club?

280. - Of course, I was a member.

281. The Friars of New York was big, they honored me

282. with a big, they had big dinners.

283. - They still do now.

284. - Gigantic, no, they're all gone now.

285. - Very recently.

286. - In those days we honored Jack Benny, Burns, big ones.

287. - Big names.

288. - Bob Hope, yeah, big names.

289. - You know who they just honored recently?

290. - I was good at roasts.

291. - You know who they honored just recently?

292. Not a big guy in my estimation.

293. - Who?

294. - He might be your best friend, so I don't wanna say.

295. - No, I have no best friend.

296. - Freddie Roman.

297. - Oh, Freddie I like, Freddie's a good guy.

298. - But I always thought of him as sort of a second-tier.

299. - He is, yeah, he can be nasty too.

300. - Yeah?

301. Would you also classify him as sort of second-tier?

302. - Yeah, second or third even.

303. - Yeah, there you go.

304. - He, Joey Bishop, and Norm Crosby all fits there too.

305. - He fits there too?

306. - Yeah they're all opening acts, I call them.

307. They all open for stars, and they never got

308. bigger than that, they never became headliners.

309. - They're not gonna, their name on a marquee

310. is not gonna mean much.

311. - No, drive people out.

312. It's gonna drive out theater, put your name on it,

313. people drive out.

314. Instead of a drive-in, how about a drive-out?

315. - They're doing a roast for Freddie Roman and what happens?

316. - It was a couple months ago, and Shecky Green

317. was so upset by, I don't know if you're familiar with

318. the comedian Gilbert Gottfried was a little too dirty

319. for Shecky's taste.

320. And Shecky tore up his card.

321. - You remember Gilbert Gottfried?

322. - Yeah.

323. That's the one who screams the whole thing,

324. and Shecky's a sweetheart, he's the last of the greats.

325. - Now you wanna talk about first tier,

326. you wanna talk about first tier, Shecky Green.

327. - I just got him to come to an affair in Palm Springs,

328. we honored somebody, some gal, some great gal.

329. And I said come on out.

330. - Gloria De Haven.

331. - And he showed, no no no, bigger than that.

332. - Bigger than that.

333. - Deader than that.

334. May have been Ruta Lee or someone.

335. - I thought she was dead!

336. - I got Shecky to come out, but he wouldn't get up.

337. - Does he ever perform?

338. I saw him at Nate and Al's and he-

339. - No, he did a two-nighter at the Wiltshire Theater once.

340. For two nights he did his whole act,

341. but he wasn't into it.

342. Shecky has to be angry, a lot of comedians

343. deal in anger.

344. And if Shecky's not angry at the bosses, the hotel,

345. he has no act.

346. - Well he was furious at Gilbert Gottfried

347. for being too dirty, he tore up his card,

348. and walked out, threatened to kill Gilbert,

349. what are your thoughts on it?

350. Do you think comics today are too dirty?

351. - A lot of them are dirty for no reason,

352. they're not funny either.

353. - That's the problem, as long as they're funny.

354. - Gilbert Gottfried, the one who screams with that

355. funny voice, he's disgusting, he's a resale,

356. I don't blame Shecky if he got up and walked out, right?

357. God bless 'im.

358. - I know Gilbert, he's a bum.

359. - But Shecky came to my Palm Springs affair.

360. But he brought me grapefruits from his house,

361. he wouldn't get up, he wouldn't do anything.

362. He's not an ad-libber like I am, where you jump in

363. and create something, 'cause I had to.

364. - Here's what Shecky told me, he said that

365. at one point he had some sort of mental illness

366. and he had to get these certain specific chairs

367. and so he would travel all over Europe

368. finding these chairs and it took him six months,

369. and he had to lose all these bookings.

370. - Shecky?

371. - Yeah, that he had some disorder.

372. - He had a couple of mental blockades.

373. But he was a great guy, and at his height,

374. it was just he and I, we owned Las Vegas.

375. Shecky was the king of waitresses, waiters,

376. the common people, they loved him

377. because he was a fighter.

378. The hotel stinks, the boss is a rat, this, this.

379. - And would you guys do marathon shows,

380. real long shows?

381. - Oh yeah.

382. Well, you had to do an hour.

383. Today's comics can't do twelve minutes and they're over.

384. They have a set, they call it a set.

385. They should be in a set.

386. We had to work, you had to, there are no

387. all-around performers left anymore.

388. There was Sammy Davis, there was myself,

389. Danny Thomas for a long time.

390. - The youngest guy I could think of would be

391. Steve Lawrence.

392. - Danny, well Steve could do anything.

393. Steve has a funny, funnybone.

394. Funny man, yeah.

395. - But it wasn't-

396. - Even when he was alive, and they were a team,

397. Steve would walk in here doing a half hour

398. and do your best jokes.

399. A lot of singers, Jack Jones, a great comic.

400. - I did not know that.

401. - Beautiful, he's got the best voice in the business.

402. And I walk in one night, he's doing my act!

403. Jack ended up hearing me sing.

404. - Did you ever perform over at Ciro's on Sunset

405. back in the day?

406. - I did Ciro's once.

407. I did a guest night there, scared to death.

408. I musta been twelve years old or something.

409. Ciro's my God, the booker was a terrible man.

410. The owner.

411. - Mickey Cohen?

412. - Mickey Cohen, I believe owned it.

413. - I don't think so, no, I forget the name of the guy.

414. But I did a one-nighter there and I was a hit.

415. I remember being a hit, I was so thrilled

416. to get off and say wow, I scored.

417. But I did impressions then.

418. I did impressions, but not for the impressions,

419. I used it to lead to something else.

420. If I do Peter Lorrie, I do the horror routines,

421. movie routines.

422. - Everything, all the talents you used were in the

423. service of comedy.

424. - Absolutely, one thing led to another.

425. I was a good comedic planner.

426. And you had to do an hour in a club, you know.

427. And for a tough audience, I'm not talking about

428. people who come to a theater, that's a pushover.

429. A theater's stealing their money, when you're in a club,

430. with a guy with a girl trying to make out

431. and a rich couple, and a guy with some people from Japan,

432. you gotta be ready, you don't have an act.

433. - A young guy now that wants to be in comedy-

434. - It's like Jack Benny's old joke was,

435. if you come out on stage with a red nose,

436. you better have an act to follow it.

437. - When you were young, 'cause a comedian now

438. if he's young, it's all built for him,

439. there's a hundred comedy clubs and stuff like that.

440. So you're young, what is there?

441. - Well you went and-

442. - First of all, how does it occur to you?

443. - I don't know.

444. - Do you come from a show business family?

445. - No, not at all, candy store, father plain civilians.

446. I went to dramatic school, I got a scholarship there.

447. - Were you in the service?

448. - Yeah.

449. - So that's the first thing you did, I assume.

450. - No, before that I was doing some shows.

451. Yeah I was doing some shows at age of 17 or 18

452. I was already.

453. - What I'm trying to say is 'cause nowadays

454. if you told your parents, I wanna be a comedian,

455. that's almost like a career that's the same as

456. being a lawyer, you know what I mean?

457. But then, it couldn't.

458. - No, it spun in different ways.

459. The great comedians all came from different venues,

460. different fields, kind of feel your way and

461. build an act, you know.

462. - So when you were young, were you into comedy,

463. or did you want to get into show business?

464. - Show business.

465. - Show business.

466. - Yes, that's why I did acting.

467. Plays, drama, I go to Royal Academy in New York,

468. I got the scholarship, and I worked with

469. Jeff Chandler, Angela Lansbury, they were all with me.

470. And James, the director, James Brooks.

471. And we all did acting and then I went to a stock company

472. out in Long Island with Christopher Morley, the writer.

473. Who had just gotten the Academy Award for Kitty Foyle.

474. And Ginger Rogers.

475. - I think I got the right guy, British, portly?

476. - Yeah, Christopher Morley, that was the one.

477. In fact he did a play, the play about

478. the guy in the wheelchair, the old man, a giant play,

479. and I was in that play.

480. - What was that play, Steve?

481. - Is it The Man Who Came to Dinner?

482. - I think so, yeah.

483. - The Man Who Came to Dinner, yeah.

484. - Absolutely, Christopher Morley.

485. - We have to have a smart guy on the set.

486. - I was so thrilled, that was my first big job though.

487. To work with his company.

488. - He's gotta be, it must have been intimidating?

489. - No, he's a lovely man.

490. He loved young talent.

491. - You're not an intimidated guy, are you.

492. You're a tough guy.

493. - And then I got a-

494. - You ever box?

495. - Huh?

496. - You ever do any boxing?

497. - Boxing?

498. No, only packages, boxes, I did shipping,

499. a lot of shipping.

500. Packing of boxes.

501. - Ever been in a fight?

502. You seem like a tough guy to me, I don't know why.

503. - A fight?

504. I'm scared to death.

505. - Really?

506. - The gloves alone would drive me out.

507. - Really.

508. - Where'd you come up with that?

509. - I looked at you, you seem like a tough guy.

510. - Eyy, tough guy.

511. - Yeah, yeah.

512. - Only on stage, it got you in a lot of trouble though.

513. Yeah, a few times.

514. I approached a table once and a guy put

515. a knife through my hand.

516. - What in God's name?

517. - Yeah he says, don't mention my wife's hat anymore.

518. - Was that in Vegas?

519. - I'm not even kidding, no, that was a gangster,

520. I didn't know that.

521. Marty Hogan and the woman came in with the hat,

522. it was a natural, it looked like salami

523. with a thing, and I just did lines about a flying saucer

524. and I heard screams after she sat down,

525. I got closer to the table, and I leaned over

526. just to say I'm sorry, and then bang!

527. I got stabbed, he goes, don't mention my wife's hat again.

528. - He had a point.

529. - I remember the guy's name too, Marty.

530. - Marty Hogan.

531. - Yeah he was a commenter, he had a radio show, gangster.

532. - A gangster with his own radio show?

533. - He was a hood and he had a talk show, yeah.

534. And a wife with a funny hat.

535. - And with that crazy big salami hat,

536. we'll be back in a moment with more from

537. the great Jack Carter.

538. - I'm not coming back here, none of ya.

539. - My God, we're back with Norm Macdonald.

540. A true Scottish Jew.

541. Norman, is that you?

542. Remember that play?

543. - Listen, that got me a hell of a lot of trouble,

544. yeah, I didn't like that when I was a kid.

545. - Norman, I don't remember it at all.

546. - I grew up with that.

547. You don't remember it?

548. - I remember doing it.

549. - You don't remember what Norman was?

550. He was a gay kid!

551. - Oh my God.

552. - Yeah they made a movie.

553. - Go no.

554. - A movie about it with Redd Foxx.

555. - Really?

556. - You ever work with Redd Foxx?

557. - Yeah, I loved him, I loved him.

558. Aside from the filth, he was a funny man,

559. Redd Foxx was a funny man.

560. Went out one day in Atlantic City, we were leaving

561. a fight, we watched one of the great black fighters then,

562. who is it?

563. - Louis?

564. - No, Spinks, Spinks.

565. And Redd's got a guy's hand in his pocket,

566. and he's playin' the crowd, so Redd says,

567. God damn, man, what you pick on me for,

568. pick on an Ofay, Ofay's a white person.

569. Moron, you pick on an Ofay!

570. - Which woulda been you.

571. Now you were telling us earlier that you just

572. learned, how old are you sir?

573. - Oh, do we have to do that?

574. I'm so old I'm past age.

575. - We had a guy last week that was older than you.

576. - Who, who could that be?

577. Goldie Methuselah.

578. - Chuck Reiner.

579. - Chuck Reiner?

580. What the hell's a Chuck Reiner?

581. - No, not Chuck, Carl Reiner.

582. - Oh Carl, Carl's a lovely man.

583. Carl's a little older, Carl's what, 93.

584. - Yeah.

585. - And I'm gonna be 90.

586. - And so you, at this, some people say advanced age,

587. took up sculpting out of nowhere.

588. - Well I was always an artist, I always sketch.

589. - Are you saying sculpting is easy?

590. - I would sketch table cloths and people would have to

591. buy the table cloth.

592. Like I'm sitting opposite Danny Thomas,

593. and I did the pencil, and once I was sitting with

594. a famous artist and he was furious

595. that I'd knocked him off on a plate.

596. The great Israeli artist, what the hell's his name?

597. Oh my God I'll never forget, they were at Sardi's

598. in New York.

599. - Redd Skelton.

600. - No, no, an Israeli, a giant of an artist.

601. Anyway I sketched him in a plate, with pen and ink.

602. And I held it up and he got so mad.

603. - Chagall, Marc Chagall?

604. - No, not Chagall, that's before any of our time.

605. I don't remember.

606. - But anyways you took up sculpting.

607. - Sculpting lately, yes, sculpting this last year

608. I did a sit-down statue, I did a guy with his hands up,

609. beautiful, I'd never done sculpting.

610. You know I'd done drawing and sketching,

611. so it was exciting, I went to this class,

612. gimme the clay, gimme the model, and go.

613. Then I did a woman sitting down,

614. and I did an athlete like running, beautiful.

615. - And they were nudes?

616. - Yeah, nudes, yeah.

617. - Now are you able to-

618. - No, I was nude, not the model.

619. - Oh just you.

620. - Yeah it was more fun that way.

621. It was breezy.

622. - That's pretty cool

623. - The model was nude, yeah, beautiful breasts.

624. And the woman that took me to all these

625. was a lovely old woman named, I wonder if she's

626. still alive, she was 85 then, but she could sculpt

627. the crap out of anything, she'd sculpt it.

628. She did that rough sculpture, you know,

629. where the clay is not smooth.

630. - It's on purpose, dimpled, mottled.

631. - Mottled, like on purpose.

632. Mottled, mottled.

633. Mottle me, mottle me.

634. Am I opening my eye, or was it closed the whole time?

635. I got a terrible habit of closing this eye.

636. - Oh really now?

637. - Yeah, women think I'm winking at them.

638. - Oh, no no.

639. - Just the other day I went into a restaurant,

640. give me the eye, I said no no.

641. She said oh, I thought you were winking at me.

642. - He does that, one of his hands grabs girls' asses.

643. Yeah, it's a medical condition.

644. - What's it called?

645. - His hand grabs the girl's ass.

646. - Oh, it's called assgrabbia.

647. - Assgrabbia, that's it.

648. - I've heard of that.

649. - You're familiar with that affliction.

650. - Yeah, that's like a cheap guy that they say,

651. he's got an impediment in his reach.

652. - My dad said be careful, I don't know if

653. you've ever heard this expression,

654. be careful with that boarding-house reach.

655. - The boarding-house reach, yeah.

656. - You ever heard that expression?

657. - Sure.

658. - Well this is a question sir from the Twitterverse.

659. - The perverts?

660. - The Twitterverse, from the computer.

661. - Oh, Twitter, I don't twit.

662. - You don't twit?

663. - I don't twit, I don't verb, I don't understand

664. nothing of that.

665. My grandkid has got everything known to man.

666. Twitters, boards, lapels, yeah he can talk to you

667. with a phone, he's in Europe now,

668. and my wife talks to him like he was there!

669. He's in Bulgaria.

670. - Well, this is not the son that I met.

671. - No no, that was Michael the older boy.

672. - Where is Michael?

673. - Michael is here, Michael's in real estate.

674. - Oh, he's in real estate?

675. - No, he's 45 now.

676. - My son and your son played basketball together.

677. - Yeah that was Michael.

678. - He wouldn't've been 45, my son's only 21.

679. - Oh then it was Chase.

680. - It was Chase, that was his name?

681. Is Chase the one that's in Bulgaria?

682. - Chase is in Europe, yeah.

683. - What's he doing?

684. - He went to Tufts, and Tufts gave him a scholarship

685. to go to Copenhagen, he went to the

686. University of Copenhagen, and when he finished there,

687. he decided to travel, and he went to Spain and Italy

688. and Rome, he's a real cultured kid.

689. - And he played basketball against my kid.

690. - And he has a girlfriend that's a genius,

691. she's a four-star student, she's at Cambridge,

692. so he's with her at Cambridge.

693. - You heard about this guy?

694. I don't mean to be blue or anything like that,

695. but when I first met him, he was in New York

696. under the Queensboro Bridge

697. jerkin' off punts for $15 a man.

698. - Oh my God, that's not bad.

699. Steady work, anyway.

700. You picked a bad bridge, Queensboro woulda been better.

701. Not Queens.

702. - It was Queensboro.

703. - Oh, I thought Williamsburg.

704. - Yeah, times have changed.

705. Williamsburg yeah, it's gentrified and everything.

706. - What about the Brooklyn Bridge?

707. I bought it once.

708. Everybody bought the Brooklyn Bridge.

709. I remember when you went across the bridge to Manhattan,

710. there was always a sign on a roof and it said,

711. Jesus Saves, and somebody scribbled underneath,

712. Moses Invests.

713. That was a big New York joke.

714. - I remember a guy jumped off the Queensboro Bridge

715. to his death, when I was in New York, and

716. everybody said, no no, you jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

717. That was his comment.

718. No no, the Brooklyn Bridge is iconic with jumping off of it.

719. So anyways there's these questions from the computer,

720. it's a person on the computer.

721. IceQueen134, she calls herself, she says,

722. and I didn't know this.

723. - Man of La Mancha.

724. - Really, you can sing that?

725. - My wife hates it, I have a big singing voice.

726. - Roxanne, your wife.

727. - Whenever I sing, I really had a great singing voice.

728. - It's big.

729. - It's kinda gone now, it's gone lower.

730. But I had a big sing, I did seven Broadway shows, musicals.

731. I did Guys and Dolls, I did Call Me Mister when I got

732. out of the Army.

733. Score by Harold Rome, I did, oh my God I can't remember.

734. I did Top Banana, I stepped in for Phil Silvers.

735. - That was Phil Silvers, yes.

736. - I replaced Phil after one week, Phil's voice went.

737. - Oh really?

738. - And I replaced Sid Caesar in a show.

739. Sid couldn't project over the footlights.

740. He's a TV performer, I took over Make Mine Manhattan

741. and I had to sing all the songs,

742. but I got a big singing voice.

743. - Man of La Mancha's a tough song to sing.

744. - I got a big operatic voice, like I could do opera.

745. - You got, right here I can hear.

746. You don't have a thin voice like other people get.

747. - No, I have a big voice.

748. And when you carico, you carico.

749. Or your faccio won't work anymore.

750. Maury Epps did that, Maury used to pick the operas apart.

751. - He was great, huh.

752. - He was my mentor, helped raise me.

753. - Didn't he have a thing like, he'd do a joke

754. and you'd give him any subject, he could do a joke.

755. - Anything at all, yeah, any joke.

756. Not funny, but always was ready, yeah.

757. - If you can't be funny, be fast.

758. - Yeah, well Maury was a bit of an intellect.

759. - Now what do you mean he was your-

760. - He was really a musician, Maury was a cellist.

761. - Oh I remember on the Dick Van Dyke show

762. he played the cello, yeah.

763. - I was just one of his closest friends.

764. - Well this guy here says:

765. - Oh, I don't know, it was cleaner back then.

766. - It was cleaner, yeah.

767. I suppose the ethnic, probably the ethnic stuff.

768. - When I did my NBC show the Practices and-

769. - Standards?

770. - Yeah, they came right in.

771. They were on top of every show.

772. I had a big fight over using belly button.

773. - No.

774. - Belly button.

775. On the Ed Sullivan show, can't say that word, Jackie!

776. Can't say belly button.

777. It's an aperture in the human body.

778. I said so's an asshole, but I'm not saying it.

779. - What did people think of Ed Sullivan, like you guys?

780. - Most people hated him.

781. - He had so much power.

782. - And when you did your act, you stood right there.

783. So the audience would go.

784. Is that, oh, yeah.

785. - He would stand on stage?

786. - Right there, yeah, right in the corner.

787. - Oh God.

788. - He wouldn't walk the hell off and leave you alone.

789. - And he was like a newspaper man or something?

790. - He was, yeah.

791. He wrote for the Daily News.

792. - What made him an expert on comedy?

793. - He wasn't a bad guy though, a lot of people

794. misunderstood him, I think.

795. - How did he say?

796. - I was his favorite, I did 65 of them.

797. - Sixty five?

798. - Sixty five Ed Sullivan shows.

799. - Wow, that's like Wayne and Shuster.

800. - No, the other big, Alan King said he did more,

801. but he didn't.

802. Wayne and Shuster, the couple from Canada, yeah.

803. They were all over the place.

804. - Alan King, what'd you think of that character?

805. - Well, personally I didn't like him.

806. - You didn't like him.

807. - He was a nasty man.

808. - I think he thinks he's a little better than he is.

809. - Oh my God yeah, the egomania of the world.

810. He thinks who he is.

811. - He's one of those experts on comedy,

812. like he'll talk about comedy and why something's funny.

813. - Like he'll break it down for you, yeah.

814. - Like you can't figure it out yourself.

815. - No, and he was what we call a set comic.

816. Certain guys would come out and do the same act

817. every time, and he was one.

818. A, B, C, Danny Thomas did that.

819. I could never do that, I always came out and

820. made a tough game tougher.

821. Cigars, was it, well don't you have an act?

822. I said yeah, well, it happens when I get out there.

823. I just say, boy, I can't wait to hear

824. what I'm gonna say, and then I go.

825. More fun that way.

826. - Sure.

827. - And then I'll pick on a table or something or,

828. some incident that happened it'll lead me into

829. four or five gags.

830. I never know.

831. - But you had some stuff you knew you could go to.

832. - Not really, no.

833. - Really, so you're just not the type.

834. - Well the other day it did save me, though.

835. I was at a luncheon and I wasn't doing too well,

836. they hired me, flew me all the way to Florida,

837. a lot of money and do this luncheon and a roast of a guy,

838. and the roast wasn't working on the guy,

839. the guy thought he was funnier than me.

840. I said Stanley, you're an idiot.

841. No, you're an idiot!

842. Stanley, you should be the mother,

843. no, you should be!

844. My victim was fighting back.

845. So I went right into a Spanish routine,

846. the help out in California, you know.

847. - Just to shut it out.

848. - Yeah, one joke was, tells his maid to go

849. back and paint the porch white, got a porch in the back,

850. paint it white.

851. Comes back, she says, I did it senor.

852. And I cleaned the brushes and everything.

853. But I gotta tell you you make a big mistake.

854. It's not a porch, it's a Mercedes.

855. So that was one piece of that.

856. - So he couldn't yell back at you then.

857. Now, young comics, do you know who they are?

858. - No.

859. - No.

860. - Well I know their names, I see them around, but.

861. - Any that you just go, agh, nothing.

862. Don't like that guy.

863. - Who?

864. - No no, I'm saying are there any,

865. is there any particular one that you go,

866. I just don't like that guy.

867. - I'm trying to really think of one that I liked.

868. I think there's one.

869. - You're trying to think of one you liked?

870. - One I like, has some potential, yeah.

871. - I was asking you.

872. - He's got some guts.

873. I can't think of who it is.

874. - Is there anyone you particularly dislike?

875. - Everybody!

876. - Everybody!

877. - I hate the world.

878. - When you, in your prime who do you-

879. - I was gonna ask you a question, 'cause there's

880. a new roast-master now, speaking of roasts,

881. used to be Georgie Jessel, and now it's

882. this young kid Jeff Rust, you know him?

883. - Very lightweight.

884. - Lightweight.

885. - He's a sweet kid.

886. - He's a nice guy.

887. - He's a nice kid, he hangs around, here, there,

888. but he's a real lightweight.

889. - Not Georgie Jessel.

890. - No, no, after Jessel, well I did the roasts,

891. I haven't seen some you got.

892. You gotta be a heavyweight.

893. You had jokes for everybody.

894. - You must do impression of Georgie Jessel.

895. - Yeah I did the ultimate one of Georgie Jessel.

896. I was walkin' down the street the other day,

897. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah,

898. But Jessel was, a good Jessel is in Florida now,

899. a good comic.

900. What's his name?

901. - That does Georgie Jessel.

902. - Does a great Jessel, yeah.

903. And he's a mimic, too.

904. Now's the time, and he sees the world.

905. - Fred Travelina.

906. - Huh?

907. - Fred Travelina?

908. - No no no.

909. - Will Jordan?

910. - No, no.

911. - Rich Little?

912. - No not Will, no I hate Will Jordan.

913. - You hate Will Jordan?

914. - Will hated me, hated everybody.

915. - He did, really?

916. - Well, anybody that did Ed Sullivan.

917. The moment you did this, Will hated you.

918. - It seems like everyone could do Ed Sullivan.

919. - Oh, everybody did.

920. No, what's his name, Bobby Pryor or something,

921. he's in Florida now but he does a great Jessel.

922. - What's his name?

923. - He's married to a little blonde.

924. - He's an impressionist, how old is he?

925. How old is he?

926. - I think he's seventies or eighties, I don't know.

927. Perky little guy, yeah.

928. Good comic and good impressions, does a great Jessel.

929. I can't think of my Jessel jokes, though.

930. I haven't done 'em for years.

931. - Do you think there is any one particular

932. comic that really set the bar, that everyone

933. looked up to among your peers when you were

934. right at the height of your career?

935. Other than yourself.

936. - No, I don't know.

937. - Well everyone talked about-

938. - Sid Caesar was another Jack Royal, that was TV.

939. I can't even think who was around then.

940. - Everyone talked about Shecky.

941. - Shecky was a king of nightclubs.

942. He had a hotel he hated, or people, he was the king of,

943. waitresses loved him, waitresses, waiters, and the help.

944. Not the bosses, but they booked him because

945. he was funny, and he'd pack the rooms in Vegas.

946. - Now when you go to Vegas-

947. - Nowhere else, though.

948. - Do you start in the lounge, you ever do a lounge

949. before you do the big room?

950. - Only one lounge.

951. - You only do one lounge?

952. - Yeah, the Riviera hotel had a big lounge,

953. and we were a foursome.

954. It was me, Totie Fields, Jan Murray, and

955. I can't remember the fourth person, isn't that funny.

956. - Jan Murray was sort of considered great amongst his peers.

957. 'Cause I didn't know him then.

958. - I didn't name the fourth?

959. - You didn't name the fourth.

960. - 'Cause we were four, we each worked a few weeks

961. and we went on opposite the big shows.

962. We went on ten o'clock, so you could, between shows

963. people would come, and one.

964. - And how's it working the lounge?

965. - Me, Totie Fields, it was more of a theater lounge.

966. - Tough?

967. - It was tough, it's tougher than a regular theater.

968. A regular theater's a pushover.

969. I mean they're sitting there, they're ready,

970. you walk out, you got the mic.

971. In a lounge it's, I'll have a drink,

972. who the hell is that, siddown Charlie, come in here.

973. You know, it was all kind of turmoil.

974. - Totie Fields, the first woman standup comedian?

975. - Yeah, I think so yeah.

976. Well, no, there was a dirty lady before

977. named Ruth-

978. - Sophie Tucker.

979. - No, Sophie Tucker was another world.

980. She was a dirty old man as well.

981. No, I can't remember the name.

982. There were two, Belle Barth was the queen of filth.

983. - She was filthy?

984. - The filthiest woman that ever.

985. - Wanda Page was pretty filthy.

986. You know, Wanda Page, she played Aunt Ester on,

987. she's black.

988. - Wanda Sykes.

989. - No, she played Aunt Ester on Redd Foxx's show.

990. - Oh yeah, yeah.

991. - Cause you know he got all his, he cast that show

992. kind of from the Chitlin' Circuit.

993. - Yeah, who was that?

994. - Redd Foxx, Sanford and Son.

995. - Yeah he gave all his friends shots.

996. - Yeah, but they're all great, 'cause they've been around.

997. - He was a cute man, a really cute man.

998. I did the show several times.

999. I actually, I get residuals from the Redd Foxx show now.

1000. I played an insurance salesman, and I played an agent.

1001. Yeah well what, he had that great delivery.

1002. Couldn't read, didn't even have it,

1003. but he would do it, man.

1004. - I read your Wikipedia, and it's so short

1005. I can't believe it, why is it so short?

1006. - I got no wick on, my pedia fell off.

1007. The hell is a Wikipedia?

1008. - Wikipedia is on the computer.

1009. Your career, like Jeff Ross's is two pages long,

1010. and yet yours is a paragraph, now why is that?

1011. - He's a nice kid, but he's nothing.

1012. - No, but why is it?

1013. - He's got the only thing around today,

1014. they use him at roasts and everything.

1015. Those roasts are awful, horrible.

1016. Cedric Follett now is running roasts.

1017. - Good Lord, that's like Mel Blanc.

1018. - Comics are awful.

1019. One guy was great, I enjoyed him, then he died.

1020. - You're talking about Greg Heraldo.

1021. - Yeah, I liked his stuff, and next I knew he was dead.

1022. I've heard of dying but that's ridiculous.

1023. - But why was it worse, because back then,

1024. all I knew was the Dean Martin roast,

1025. but I liked that the material was all geared

1026. towards the person, and they seemed to know each other.

1027. - No, I wrote my own.

1028. I heard a million Dean Martin roasts,

1029. we did in Vegas at the MGM, and you'd

1030. fly there and go there, and they'd tell you

1031. who they're roasting, and I didn't want any part

1032. of the writers, 'cause I knew the writers

1033. and they stunk.

1034. - They always do.

1035. - There was only one good writer, that was Milt Rosen.

1036. And Milt was on the show, he'd help me,

1037. but I always worked my own stuff.

1038. The minute I heard who we were roasting,

1039. my mind snapped, I knew exactly what to go for.

1040. That's why I was better than anybody at those.

1041. 'Cause I was powerhouse, you know.

1042. - I remember once you had turned around

1043. and you hit that big thing, it was like

1044. Arthur J. Rank thing.

1045. - Oh, it was Jack Benny.

1046. - It was for Jack Benny?

1047. - Yeah that big gong, yeah.

1048. Oh yeah they keep replaying that all the time.

1049. They don't show me on enough of those,

1050. only that one.

1051. - Yeah, what is that?

1052. Do you feel that you haven't gotten the respect

1053. you deserve in show business?

1054. - No, not at all.

1055. - I don't think so either.

1056. - I'm the most forgotten performer that ever lived.

1057. - What happens there, is it just luck?

1058. - I have no idea, I never had a press agent,

1059. when I had a press agent they were bad.

1060. I'm my own worst press agent.

1061. I never push myself, I was never show businessy, you know?

1062. - No, not the business part.

1063. - I did the business.

1064. - You figured if you were funny enough,

1065. you'd get everything.

1066. - I was funny, I just never went for broke,

1067. I never went for it.

1068. A lot of people say, whatever, what happened

1069. to your career, what was supposed to happen,

1070. I wasn't too thrilled with it.

1071. I wasn't too thrilled with being a comedian,

1072. I did it is a means to an end, 'cause I had to.

1073. - What was the end?

1074. - This is it, I wound up with you.

1075. - No I mean what was the end, money?

1076. - The end?

1077. No no, just fame.

1078. Fame, knowledge, acceptance.

1079. - Well you could've done it without comedy.

1080. - Fame, knowledge and acceptance.

1081. I never broached that into the A job.

1082. I should've always been the A group.

1083. I always got a B or C, waiting to get in.

1084. - Well I think you're certainly-

1085. - Waiting for Godot.

1086. - You're certainly considered an A in comedians.

1087. - Eh, eh!

1088. Eyy, is he a comedian, eyy.

1089. - You know that, though, don't you?

1090. - Eyy, bee.

1091. - You know that comedians consider you an A comic.

1092. - Yeah, I know that, yeah.

1093. - Is that enough?

1094. - I'm considered a wit, a wit, a sarcastic wit.

1095. - But that's not enough that just comedians like you?

1096. - No, that's not enough.

1097. - You want the whole world to like you.

1098. If it wasn't comedy.

1099. - I missed the boat, my fault mostly.

1100. I wasn't a very good politician,

1101. I wasn't a good spokesman for myself.

1102. I never pushed.

1103. Like a Danny Thomas.

1104. - But don't you think that goes with

1105. the artistic temperament?

1106. - I think so, yeah.

1107. I wasn't that thrilled with being a comedian

1108. so I did it as a means to an end

1109. and I did it good.

1110. - What would you rather have been, a singer?

1111. - No probably a dress salesman.

1112. Yeah, maybe some with size C, C to B, 45.

1113. - You know you might end up being a great sculptor.

1114. - Well no.

1115. No, that's a sideline.

1116. - Come on, models, sculpting?

1117. What about that guy that you were talking about-

1118. - I would like to have sung more, and done more musicals.

1119. - That's what I was trying to get to.

1120. - A couple I did, I did Guys and Dolls in Jersey,

1121. we got rave reviews in New York,

1122. people came out to see it, I had a great cast.

1123. I replaced Phil Silvers in Guys and Dolls.

1124. - What did you just knock on the table for?

1125. - Oh, I didn't, I put the mug down.

1126. - Do you have a question?

1127. - Yeah I actually had a question from earlier.

1128. - Go ahead.

1129. - I was wondering about, I'm from LA and my

1130. family's from the East Coast, you've been in LA a while,

1131. what are your thoughts on LA deli food

1132. versus New York deli food?

1133. - No comparison.

1134. - New York's better, way way better.

1135. - Is that the most retarded question you've ever heard?

1136. - Deli food, yeah, I think so.

1137. - Of course.

1138. - Well when you get some pastrami,

1139. let me know, willya?

1140. - We've had to take a break for like 20 minutes.

1141. - Yeah of course New York.

1142. Do you like Carnegie Deli?

1143. - No I never went into it.

1144. - Stage Deli?

1145. - I like the Stage, I love Max Apnis there,

1146. was a great character.

1147. The owner, the Carnegie was a freeload place.

1148. I hated it because Henny Youngman used to go there,

1149. and he was comped.

1150. Henny and Jackie Mason, too cheapo creeps of the business.

1151. - They're the cheapo creeps?

1152. - Easily.

1153. Henny Youngman was the cheapest man.

1154. I'll never forget, he called me one day and he says,

1155. hello Jack?

1156. Oh my wife died, can you do a club date for me?

1157. That was it, my wife died, can you do this club date for me.

1158. Youngman, I'll never forget that, I just hung up.

1159. My wife died, in the same breath,

1160. can you do a club date for me.

1161. - Just a few days.

1162. - Jackie Mason was the lowest of the low, though.

1163. He was a scumbag.

1164. A lot of the others I liked, though, I liked all of them.

1165. - Every place Jackie Mason goes I see

1166. he has his attorney with him, I don't know why,

1167. but I've noticed that.

1168. - Yeah well my wife handled him for a while,

1169. it was awful.

1170. That thing with a bullet being shot in his window?

1171. He went out and shot the bullet in there.

1172. - Wait, I don't know that story.

1173. - There was a whole story about somebody

1174. firing a gun at him, in his hotel room.

1175. And he did it himself.

1176. - Just to get attention?

1177. - To get press and stuff, yeah.

1178. - Wow.

1179. - Too bad he missed!

1180. - Sometimes you see him in New York,

1181. yeah, well, whatever.

1182. - We have to pay the bills.

1183. - I don't know what he's doing.

1184. Is he still alive?

1185. - Yeah.

1186. He's alive, a friend of mine was-

1187. - Reminds me of the joke, the old guy,

1188. Carl Zucker the great producer at Paramount?

1189. - Yeah, Zucker.

1190. - He walk up at Hillcrest Country Club to the round table

1191. where all the biggies sat.

1192. He saw Jack Benny, he said, you're still alive?

1193. I thought we were both dead!

1194. Famous line.

1195. - That's a great one.

1196. - He was the person who created Paramount Pictures.

1197. - Darryl Zanuck.

1198. - No no, older than Zanuck.

1199. - Older than that?

1200. - No, Zucker.

1201. - Oh, Zucker you're talking about, I'm sorry.

1202. That's a great joke, though.

1203. Must've been a funny guy, for a producer.

1204. - I was thrilled to sit at the round table,

1205. when I came.

1206. - So who was at the round table, Jack Benny.

1207. - And Milton Berle.

1208. - Milton Berle.

1209. - Couple of writers.

1210. Sometimes Harpo would sit there, always.

1211. Never forget a guy come up to me and congratulated me

1212. outside Hillcrest, I love you, you're wonderful,

1213. I watch you every week, and he walked away,

1214. I said who was that?

1215. The guy says, it was Harpo Marx.

1216. - Oh my God.

1217. - He had a raincoat, regular hair.

1218. - Yeah yeah yeah, of course you wouldn't recognize him, wow.

1219. - That he knew I existed!

1220. - That's amazing.

1221. - Well a couple of times that happened to me.

1222. I was in shock that someone like Gore Vidal

1223. once gave me a rave.

1224. Jack, well I loved you on that Sullivan show,

1225. you did a thing.

1226. Well, Gore Vidal watching!

1227. That was such a kick.

1228. - That's amazing, that's great.

1229. Gore Vidal, just watching TV.

1230. - But a lot of people watched the Ed Sullivan Sunday night.

1231. - Sure, half the country.

1232. - And I was a favorite.

1233. Whenever Ed was stuck, he'd call me, I'd run in

1234. and do twelve minutes

1235. Which would be cut to six and then cut to four.

1236. - How would you cut it?

1237. - You'd do a dress rehearsal, you'd do twelve minutes,

1238. beautifully laid out.

1239. You worked so hard, the opening joke, middle, go here.

1240. - It's all sculpted.

1241. - And then by the time you got to the dress,

1242. you'd have six minutes.

1243. - God damn.

1244. - You'd have to restring it.

1245. Now you're waiting to go on, you're in,

1246. they call it the death spot.

1247. They had the waiting rooms.

1248. And you'd be with the audience, it was terrible.

1249. Yeah the buzz box, you know.

1250. - They can see you?

1251. - And they give you, you got two minutes.

1252. From twelve you're down to two!

1253. - Oh my God.

1254. - Yeah, you've got an opening joke and a closing joke.

1255. - So that's what you remember your opening and closing.

1256. - You had to be ready.

1257. Good evening and goodnight!

1258. - We're gonna be back in a moment.

1259. - Hello and goodbye.

1260. - With our last segment with the great Jack Carter.

1261. This is fun.

1262. - Back with last, lost, or left out,

1263. that's what Jack Carter told me.

1264. - Last, lost, or left out.

1265. - Last, lost, or left out, so if there's an article

1266. on comedy and men of a certain age,

1267. your name's not in there.

1268. - No, they'll mention everyone but me.

1269. - Everybody but you.

1270. - Right in my group, my category, I should be next,

1271. and I read read read, and nope, again, nothing.

1272. - Well you know what you gotta do?

1273. Write a book, you gotta write a book.

1274. - I wrote a book, it's at home.

1275. - It's at home?

1276. - I haven't published it, no, I wrote it,

1277. I worked with a good guy on it.

1278. - Well you gotta publish it.

1279. - I do, I just wrote the opening chapter myself.

1280. About going on, facing an audience, 'cause

1281. I'll never forget, I'm at the Hilton in Vegas

1282. with Steve and Edie.

1283. And I'm opening, and I'm backstage pacing, pacing.

1284. And Steve's going, look at this crazy meshugennah,

1285. look at this nut, he's a basketcase,

1286. but he'll go out there and he'll kill 'em.

1287. And I'm going, look at that table, look at

1288. those four murderers up front, oh they got kids,

1289. pssh, I hate kids!

1290. And then I went out and bang, I exploded.

1291. And he said, see, I told ya!

1292. Man with backache complaining.

1293. - Were you always like that?

1294. - And Steve liked my opening song,

1295. I was friendly with Nooley and Bricuse,

1296. and they wrote that for me.

1297. - Oh they did?

1298. - Yeah.

1299. - Anthony Nooley and who's the other one?

1300. - And Leslie Bricuse.

1301. - Leslie Bricuse.

1302. - Bricuse is still alive, and Nooley is not.

1303. - So what about a song called Last, Left, and...

1304. - Last, Left, and Lost.

1305. - That's a good one.

1306. - Sixty-five times on Ed Sullivan, you don't have

1307. a star on the Walk of Fame.

1308. - No.

1309. - That is a crime.

1310. - No, never, no.

1311. Crosby's got one.

1312. - He does?

1313. - People with press agents, yeah.

1314. Now they're putting producers on there, no,

1315. I never followed up on it.

1316. - They're meaningless.

1317. - Well, you had to pay for them.

1318. You had to pay for it, yeah.

1319. So I never had a company that I was with that

1320. would have bought it.

1321. Like a network that I was with long enough to say,

1322. we'll buy you the star.

1323. - You don't need that.

1324. - Used to be $2,000, then it went to 11, 35 now.

1325. Thousand.

1326. - Thirty-five thousand dollars?

1327. - To put a star down, yeah.

1328. - To have a homeless guy urinate on your name?

1329. You don't need that, sir.

1330. - Homeless guy urinating?

1331. Not too many of those around.

1332. - I'm saying you don't need a star or anything like that.

1333. You've got the-

1334. - But it does piss me off that I'm not there.

1335. - I gotcha.

1336. - And Norm Crosby has his.

1337. - I understand that.

1338. - He's supposedly a friend of mine, but not really.

1339. - Nah, not really?

1340. - Well, he's a joke thief.

1341. - Oh he is?

1342. Tell me about theft.

1343. - They completely live off your jokes.

1344. - Yes.

1345. - The worst is when they do 'em in front of you,

1346. that's the worst.

1347. I had to stop one the other day at an affair,

1348. he got up on stage, started to say, oh there's-

1349. and I said no no, don't do that!

1350. No, that's my big story.

1351. Cut that, don't do that.

1352. - It must be especially-

1353. - It was a joke about a guy who

1354. goes, it was such a good story.

1355. The guy who had surgery, and,

1356. oh I can't remember the joke.

1357. - I can't either, I can't either.

1358. And I did it last night.

1359. - I remember the punch line, isn't that funny.

1360. - What was the punch line?

1361. Trying to reverse engineer this thing.

1362. - And Monday morning, that man walked out of the hospital.

1363. Thursday, he reached the parking lot.

1364. So I can't remember back up.

1365. - It's a hell of a punchline, regardless.

1366. - Yeah, it almost works by itself.

1367. We got jokes written on cards, you wanna read 'em?

1368. How's your reading?

1369. - I read well.

1370. - You read well, well read this, then.

1371. - Why've you got that?

1372. - Just to read 'em.

1373. - Just to fill in

1374. - Whenever we have great comedians on the show.

1375. - What the hell's that joke now, I can't remember that.

1376. - Say the punchline again.

1377. - Thursday he reached the parking lot.

1378. - But Monday he left the-

1379. - Monday morning.

1380. - He left the building.

1381. - Monday morning.

1382. - He was allowed out of the hospital.

1383. - He walked out of the, yeah, no.

1384. What hell, isn't that funny not to remember the joke?

1385. - Thank God that guy that stole it from you

1386. remembers it.

1387. - He would.

1388. - Or it'd be lost to history.

1389. Here, read it.

1390. - I can't remember the setup.

1391. It was funny when you know the punch and

1392. you forget the setup.

1393. That happens a lot now.

1394. - That's wrong.

1395. - Yeah I gotta ask Roxanne, my wife remembers everything.

1396. - She's got a good memory, Roxanne?

1397. - If I called her now, she'd come up with it.

1398. - I thought she'd be here.

1399. - Monday morning.

1400. - Thought you had a stroke for a second.

1401. - He was in the hospital, yeah.

1402. - Alright, well, you gonna read one of these jokes?

1403. - Why not?

1404. Why did they give you those?

1405. - No no, these are just, whenever we have

1406. a great comedian on, we-

1407. - Not yet.

1408. - Of course, one of the greatest that ever walked

1409. the planet is sitting right to my immediate right.

1410. - The planet.

1411. - Lemme see here.

1412. What about, nah, I don't know.

1413. Well, here's a joke about an old guy,

1414. this is actually the premise of this is true.

1415. The world's oldest man died yesterday.

1416. So what do you think of this joke?

1417. - Man that died, cause of death:

1418. everybody yelled "surprise!"

1419. Oh, that's good.

1420. - You don't read it to yourself!

1421. - That's also got a Japanese ending,

1422. where they yell "supplies!"

1423. What does he do in the Army?

1424. Supplies.

1425. He do supplies.

1426. - Hey how about this?

1427. This is a joke.

1428. You gotta read it out loud.

1429. Without reading ahead.

1430. - I spent the last two weeks at Disneyland.

1431. It was so much fun, the next time I'm taking

1432. my wife and kids.

1433. Worst thing I've ever read.

1434. These are garbage.

1435. Next time I'll take my wife and kids?

1436. That's a rhythm joke, that's a young one.

1437. I had such a good time, I got up this morning

1438. at the crack of my back, shoved up the crack

1439. and went back to bed.

1440. Take my wife, please.

1441. - That sounds like Henny Youngman,

1442. but you didn't like him.

1443. - Nobody liked him.

1444. - But you do an impression.

1445. - He hated me, too.

1446. He hated everybody.

1447. I was sitting at the Friars once, I'm with him

1448. and a lovely table of people, and he's just

1449. give up the goddamn jokes, go back to your impressions,

1450. do your impressions, don't do any jokes!

1451. - Jeez.

1452. - Leave that to the pros!

1453. He was so mad that I was leaving mimicry and doing,

1454. becoming a great comedian.

1455. - That's ridiculous.

1456. Not here, man, here we want you to do the jokes.

1457. Hey, world cup, you watch the world cup?

1458. - Oh, I'm wearing one.

1459. I'm kidding here.

1460. In World Cup soccer, Mexico defeated Cameroon 1-0,

1461. or as it's known in soccer, a blowout.

1462. Alright.

1463. - Yeah, very low scoring games.

1464. - Who wrote these, Yammy?

1465. - Do you know who Jonah Hill is?

1466. - Yeah, the actor, the little fat kid.

1467. - Yeah, how about this, for a joke?

1468. - He's a friend of Tatum O'Neill.

1469. - Good God, you mean Channing Tatum?

1470. - Jonah Hill says his heart is broken

1471. over the fact that he was caught on camera

1472. calling a photographer a gay slur.

1473. And speaking of things that are broken,

1474. Jonah Hill's chair.

1475. A nice statement.

1476. - Yeah, it's more of a comment.

1477. - Yeah.

1478. A gay slur.

1479. How do you slur a gay?

1480. - I know, right?

1481. - They got enough trouble.

1482. - Good God, they slur each other all the time.

1483. - How about a gay goy?

1484. - A gay goy?

1485. That's like this character.

1486. He's a holocaust denier.

1487. - Ah, a queer.

1488. - Had a bar mitzvah.

1489. - A queerie.

1490. I'll ask you a query.

1491. How do you talk to a gay guy?

1492. You ask him a queery.

1493. - There you go.

1494. - Hey, I made up a little joke.

1495. - Did you just do that?

1496. - Of course, I made it up right here.

1497. - Yeah, no I didn't know if it was in your

1498. back pocket and you were waiting to use it.

1499. - No, I'm a linguistic, I'm a language thief.

1500. - You're like Spike Milligan.

1501. - Spike Milligan.

1502. - Remember him?

1503. - Yeah from England, the group.

1504. Milligan Gang.

1505. I loved England, I loved when I was there,

1506. I loved London.

1507. - You'd fit in.

1508. - I did very well there, went in a club there

1509. for twelve weeks.

1510. - Yeah yeah, because they appreciate that.

1511. - Oh they're great, they love to laugh,

1512. great audiences.

1513. - But they also love that specific skill you have.

1514. - Well, they like broad comedy, like bang out.

1515. And I nailed 'em right away, it was a big nightclub

1516. called the Town Hall or the Town and Country.

1517. Town and City, I don't remember.

1518. English audiences.

1519. I had a girl I knew that was a showgirl here,

1520. from England, and she re-languaged everything with me.

1521. Instead of Brooklyn I had Bunbury,

1522. she gave me all the local, important work.

1523. - Oh, you brought the showgirl with you from?

1524. - She was going back to England,

1525. I told her I'm coming to London and I've got

1526. what do I say instead of?

1527. She said, yeah, you'd say Barbary Square, you'd say

1528. this, you'd say that.

1529. - Yeah, yeah.

1530. - So I, linguistically, changed the comedy, educated myself.

1531. - Yeah, I bet you were a hit with her linguistically.

1532. - Oh they're great.

1533. - Know what I'm talking about?

1534. - Well I had a lot of English performers come to New York

1535. to be on my TV show.

1536. - No I meant, here you are with a showgirl in London,

1537. that must've been some love involved there.

1538. - No, she was a showgirl in Las Vegas.

1539. - Well then, forget it.

1540. - Her name was Sylvia Joseph, she was six foot four.

1541. Her breasts were eight foot nine.

1542. And I said I'm going to London, and I wanna

1543. Anglicize my act, so she helped me.

1544. And I never saw her again.

1545. - No, you sure?

1546. - Not til I opened the club and I was Anglicized.

1547. I was also ostracized.

1548. - Well what's your last question?

1549. - It's too long, I feel like it's too long of a question.

1550. - He can do a short answer.

1551. - Is there a comic that you were surprised

1552. by their success, or one that you felt didn't gain

1553. the success that they deserved other than yourself?

1554. - You know, at the time, those things occur to you.

1555. And now I can't think of a single name,

1556. isn't that funny?

1557. - You know I can't think of a name 'cause

1558. I was telling Steve O'Donnell this earlier,

1559. and maybe you can think of it,

1560. but my father told me that there was a comic

1561. that was the best comic he ever saw,

1562. and he never worked again because

1563. he supported Hitler.

1564. - Supported Hitler?

1565. - Yeah, have you ever heard of this comic?

1566. You ever heard of this story?

1567. - Nazi Joe.

1568. - Nazi Joe, no.

1569. - Supported Hitler.

1570. - No he was a comedian that was very well known,

1571. my father said he was very funny,

1572. but then he went to Madison Square Gardens

1573. where they had a big pro-Hitler thing.

1574. - Oh my God, really, no.

1575. - You don't know that feller, huh?

1576. - No no, I'm glad I missed that one.

1577. - That would hurt your career.

1578. I'm surprised this guy's still on the air,

1579. he's a holocaust denier.

1580. - I'm not a...

1581. - I have another one for you tonight.

1582. Soon as we leave here.

1583. - Let me ask you one final question, Jack.

1584. - Why does Norm keep insisting that I'm

1585. a holocaust denier?

1586. - Somebody's using the word holocaust for a joke.

1587. That Chelsea, that Chelsea.

1588. - Chelsea Handler?

1589. - Yeah, she's got a guy and they love holocaust, the word,

1590. - God, what is that?

1591. - With that dwarf she's got with her,

1592. that misshapen dwarf?

1593. And they do a holocaust.

1594. - Yeah, and he's not a white man either.

1595. And they do holocaust humor?

1596. - Yeah, why does he keep repeating that joke?

1597. - God, even that word.

1598. - Terrible thing to bring up, yeah.

1599. - God almighty.

1600. - I would agree.

1601. - Otherwise I don't like her, but she's a pretty girl.

1602. She sure gets a lot of mileage out of that show.

1603. 'Cause she's got nothing, just a bad monologuer

1604. that does terrible interviews.

1605. - And they make millions.

1606. Millions of dollars.

1607. - I bet that dwarf has a star on the fuckin'

1608. Walk of Fame.

1609. - He's making up tshirts.

1610. - Whoever makes cards, people said you made cards

1611. just to kill you.

1612. One funny joke I'd like out of that whole stack.

1613. - We'd be better off playing pinochle.

1614. - So the reason that's not funny.

1615. - You ever have a killer joke, that if things

1616. were going wrong you go right to that joke,

1617. that would be your signature joke?

1618. - We need it now.

1619. - What is it?

1620. - Yeah, a closer, yeah.

1621. - Do you have one?

1622. - Gimme a minute.

1623. - Sure.

1624. - Two Jews going with an Arab, no, that's no good.

1625. Two guys were talking about their bar mitzvahs,

1626. one was a Chinaman, no, that's no good.

1627. Those are bad setups, you know.

1628. A closing joke I always did was the three women.

1629. - Three women.

1630. - My son the doctor, he's the biggest surgeon

1631. in America, he's got his own hospital,

1632. he did 85 bypasses all of the same man,

1633. he's the biggest doctor in the world,

1634. owns his own hospital.

1635. Second woman, my son the lawyer, he owns

1636. a building in New Jersey, runs for twelve blocks,

1637. my lawyer, he graduated law school, he sued the law school

1638. and won back his tuition.

1639. My son is the greatest lawyer in the world,

1640. and he owns his own building.

1641. Third woman, what does your son do?

1642. She says my son is a homosexual.

1643. Really, where's his office?

1644. He doesn't have an office.

1645. He doesn't work?

1646. He doesn't have to, he has two wonderful friends.

1647. One is a doctor, owns his own hospital,

1648. and the other, you see.

1649. - There you go.

1650. The great Jack Carter.

1651. Never to be forgotten.

1652. - My closing joke.

1653. - You'll never be forgotten, that's for sure.

1654. Thank you sir.

1655. - What, empty, no check?

1656. Gotta hand me something.