Norm Macdonald Live 2x11

1. - Tonight, Marc Maron joins us.

2. I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Eget,

3. and I gotta tell ya,

4. I'm a little upset today.

5. - What's wrong?

6. - Well, as you know there are only a couple of celebrities

7. or world leaders that I really care about,

8. and one of them is the Dalai Lama.

9. You know I've always loved the Dalai Lama.

10. - Yup.

11. - And one thing that just makes me sore,

12. is that all these countries

13. around the world are refusing to officially meet him.

14. They don't even recognize the Dalai Lama.

15. He's such a peaceful, holy man

16. and the reason is,

17. the reason they're afraid to officially

18. welcome the Dalai Lama to their country

19. is because it would upset the Chinese!

20. Red China!

21. - Well, what does the Chinese have against a sweet—

22. - Because China's economy is very powerful, you see?

23. - Mmm-hmm.

24. - So, nobody wants to risk offending them.

25. He opposes China's occupation of his home,

26. his native Tibet, to which he is the rightful leader.

27. - Mmm. - You see what I mean?

28. - No, that doesn't seem right.

29. - Oh yeah, and it stretches everywhere.

30. Like, you know, Apple?

31. - Yeah, yeah. - Supposedly cool Apple?

32. Well apparently, they will not

33. officially recognize the Dalai Lama

34. because they're afraid to lose money from the Chinese.

35. - Oh that's, yeah, that's horrible.

36. That's not right.

37. - Well, you know what I say?

38. - Mm?

39. - Fuck China!

40. That's right.

41. Mr. Dalai Lama, your Holiness,

42. you're welcome on this podcast anytime you want to be on.

43. - No matter what the Chinese say?

44. - Well, we're not a big podcast by any means,

45. but, our hearts are in the right place.

46. So, we welcome the Dalai Lama to come by and chat with us.

47. - Mm, we have zero power or influence over here.

48. We have a very minuscule budget.

49. Minuscule.

50. - Ain't that the truth.

51. You know what we could use,

52. is a revenue stream.

53. A revenue stream of some sort.

54. If only we could find some rich investors

55. to invest in the podcast.

56. You know as I think about it,

57. who is a more visible investor in

58. American enterprises these days than the Chinese?

59. - They are like the number one

60. worldwide investors right now.

61. - Mmm-hmm.

62. Maybe, I was a little hasty with my comments before.

63. You know there's two sides to every question, Adam.

64. Uh, a lot of things to consider.

65. A lot of things.

66. - You know, let's get some coffee.

67. No need to rush to any decisions right now.

68. - Yeah, let's it talk it over over a coffee.

69. - Yeah, Brent, do you have any coffee?

70. Brent?

71. - Yeah, but it's just instant.

72. - Instant?

73. - Instant coffee!

74. - That's all we have?

75. - That's all we can afford, guys.

76. - Gah!

77. - Let's be honest, Tibet's all well and good,

78. but we've our own problems here.

79. - We sure do.

80. Charity begins at home.

81. Fuck the Dalai Lama!

82. I would like to take this opportunity

83. to address the Chinese.

84. Hello, Chinese!

85. It's me, Norm!

86. How would you like to get in on

87. the ground floor of an exciting new venture?

88. That's right, the ground floor, heck,

89. it's more like the bargain basement

90. or the dank root cellar underneath

91. the bargain basement that has a unseemly smell to it.

92. How's that sound?

93. - It sound pretty good.

94. - Excellent. - Yeah.

95. - We'll be back with Marc Maron.

96. You know Marc Maron loves Chinese food.

97. - I did not know that.

98. - I love Chinese food.

99. How about you? - I do too.

100. - What about Tibetan food?

101. - Can't say that I do.

102. - Yeah, tastes like shit.

103. Human shit.

104. Much of it is.

105. We'll be back with Marc Maron after this,

106. Chinese?

107. He is a standup comedian, radio actor,

108. host, radio actor?

109. - Radio actor?

110. - I don't know that means.

111. - Do a lot of voices and sound machines.

112. - Worked on Fred Allen Show.

113. - Yeah, an on going serial.

114. - His hugely successful podcast, What,

115. WTF, rather, with Marc Maron is available

116. twice a week on iTunes and WTFpod.com.

117. Second season for the show, Maron,

118. airing Thursday night at 10 on IFC.

119. His album, Thinky Pain, available

120. on Netflix, iTunes, and vinyl.

121. He's got a great new book out.

122. You didn't bring it, huh?

123. - What was I supposed to bring?

124. - Attempting Normal.

125. - Oh, I would've brought one.

126. I've got a lot of them.

127. - The wonderful Marc Maron for the full hour.

128. You know, it's interesting that you're

129. on your second season on IFC.

130. Because, I know a lot of gamblers

131. and I know oddsmakers.

132. - Yeah.

133. - And this is what an oddsmaker told me once.

134. He said—

135. - About my show?

136. - No, about television in general.

137. He said, if you get renewed for a second season,

138. odds are, you get a third season.

139. If you're renewed for a third season,

140. odds are, you get a fourth season.

141. And if you're renewed for four seasons,

142. it's fifty-fifty.

143. - Is that true?

144. He crunched all the numbers?

145. He worked it all out?

146. - He knows all the odds.

147. If you get to be,

148. I know you're kind of obsessed with lifespans.

149. If you get to be 70, odds are, you'll make 80.

150. Get to be 80, odds are, you'll make 90.

151. Get to be 90, no.

152. - Well, those odds drop for everyone, right?

153. - What do you mean?

154. - I mean the—

155. - No, not just you, no.

156. - No, I mean if you get to 90,

157. you've done all right for yourself.

158. - Yeah.

159. - That's the end of it.

160. You won. - But the odds are,

161. You really think so?

162. - Sure.

163. - Well, 90-year-olds don't.

164. I had Carl Reiner, you've talked to Carl Reiner.

165. - I did talk to Carl Reiner.

166. - He sat in this very chair you're sitting in

167. and pleaded with me to live longer.

168. I said, I can't fucking do anything about it.

169. - You're gonna die soon.

170. - Well, I think he's one of those guys that

171. as long as he stays active,

172. he doesn't have to think about it.

173. - Yeah, he's not gonna die.

174. - No, it's not gonna happen.

175. - You know your fucking face is melting.

176. - Melting and you're gonna have to nap after this.

177. When I talk to him, you really get that

178. feeling when you talk to a guy that age that like,

179. this is it for the day.

180. Like, in a— - For him.

181. Yeah, like he's locked in and as soon as

182. the cameras go down, he's like, "Oh, god."

183. - Now, you did it with him and with Mel Brooks.

184. - Well, Mel's a livewire.

185. You don't get any sense that

186. that guy's ever gonna die.

187. He's literally just running from death actively,

188. all the time.

189. - And people constantly tell me,

190. or I hear this, "Funniest man that ever lived".

191. - Mel Brooks?

192. - Do you believe that?

193. - Sure, I mean I think he's of an era.

194. You know what I mean?

195. I think he still,

196. I think the amazing thing about him,

197. if you are, well, you're not wired that way.

198. If you're a Jew, and your wiring is Jewish.

199. - Okay.

200. - Mel Brooks is going to

201. tap right into that. - That's different.

202. - Yeah.

203. - Gotcha, I understand.

204. - I thought I turned into—

205. - I saw Jackie Mason, who I think is incredibly funny,

206. and then I saw a show only a couple of years ago

207. and he was almost Yiddish.

208. - Yeah.

209. - I couldn't understand what the fuck he was—

210. - That's how he's aging?

211. - Yeah, yeah.

212. - It's just like now he has no longer knows whether

213. he's speaking English as like,

214. and you're like, "What's happening?"

215. - But, the rhythm is fantastic.

216. - Oh, the rhythm is completely,

217. he used to be a rabbi, that guy.

218. - Yeah.

219. - Yeah, it must've been a hilarious rabbi.

220. Yeah, somebody said like, "You're not cut out for this.

221. "You gotta go."

222. - Who's the guy today that has the most,

223. what you call rhythm?

224. Because, I remember he would even do impressions.

225. That was his impression.

226. - Attell used to have a very good clip.

227. - You're right, a lot of people took from Attell.

228. - A lot of people took from Attell,

229. but like, in terms of like, the continuation

230. of that kind of Jewish rhythm thing,

231. Attell's like, (imitates Jewish speaking cadence).

232. - Yeah, that's right.

233. - Like, he's got one.

234. Then there are people that have very—

235. - Did you see his special?

236. - The last one? - The last one.

237. - Oh, the new one, I didn't see it.

238. Is it great?

239. - Unbelievable.

240. - Great joke writing.

241. - One of the best specials I've ever seen.

242. - Because, yeah, his jokes.

243. So I have a new thing.

244. I have OCD, but it's onset late,

245. in my life.

246. - Right.

247. - So I count everything.

248. So anyways, I counted 120 good jokes.

249. - Wow!

250. - In his show.

251. - Well, he's all about that, man.

252. I used to watch him when he was startin out

253. like he'd have a great joke

254. and you just watch him write it into the ground,

255. by the end of the week.

256. Like he had to keep adding to it

257. and keep adding to it and just destroy it.

258. And that would be the end of that joke.

259. But like, there are other people whose rhythms people took,

260. like, Todd Barry has a very unique rhythm,

261. but it's not like that.

262. But, it's like something,

263. there's something elongated about it.

264. Like, there's certain people in New York that

265. coming up in New York, you saw who influenced who.

266. There was the Attell people,

267. there were Todd Barry people,

268. and then Hedberg seemed to spawn

269. an entire generation of people,

270. - Oh yeah, Jesus Christ.

271. - That kind of mocked his rhythm.

272. - Yeah, I mean I love Hedberg

273. but these guys you fucking spawned.

274. - I know.

275. - I don't need to hear them.

276. - It's one thing to have an influence.

277. Another thing to just cop the whole thing.

278. - Yeah, especially when the guy is dead.

279. - Yeah, well that's,

280. God forbid someone says like, "I guess I can take it."

281. you know what I mean?

282. It's like, keep the torch going.

283. - I saw this show, Last Comic Standing,

284. and I started recognizing jokes.

285. - Aww, man.

286. - And they were jokes from old guys that don't work anymore.

287. Like, I think what people are doing is

288. maybe going on YouTube, finding Evening at the Improvs,

289. and taking them.

290. - How can they get away with that?

291. It's one thing to do a stock joke.

292. I mean, you know.

293. - But, these are guys that

294. you know, they maybe have one, two good jokes.

295. They're not working in the business anymore.

296. - Right, like I actually used an old stock line

297. onstage the other night.

298. I couldn't help myself.

299. I was onstage and some guy had gotten up,

300. and he was coming back, and I didn't see him leave,

301. but he was literally wearing shiny gym shorts

302. and I said to him, "Thanks for dressing up."

303. I couldn't stop myself.

304. Then, it got a big laugh,

305. and then I brought attention to the fact that

306. I used that horrible old stock line.

307. Then, I just ripped him a new one.

308. I just leveled him.

309. Like, okay, the stock line was nice.

310. It was a nice poke,

311. but now it's like, "What's wrong with you?"

312. And I just ripped him apart.

313. He didn't cry but I felt good.

314. - I find that when I,

315. I used to do stock lines

316. and then I was always sad

317. because it would do better than the rest of my act.

318. - Always.

319. People just love it.

320. 'Cause the timing.

321. - That's why it's a stock line.

322. - Yeah, 'cause the timing's built in.

323. Oh, there was a dude,

324. uh, I don't know if I want to mention his name.

325. - Yeah, what is it?

326. - Well, it was funny, I ran into this guy.

327. There's a guy that used to be at the Comedy Store.

328. His name was Larry Scarano.

329. - I know Larry Scarano.

330. - You do?

331. He's a funny guy.

332. And he's, like, I ran into him.

333. I can't remember where I was.

334. Maybe it was Philly or somewhere.

335. He came to the show and we hung out afterwards,

336. 'cause I knew him at the Store

337. and he's a little bitter, right?

338. - Yeah.

339. - He's like, "Everybody stole my stuff."

340. And I'm like, "Really?

341. "Like what?"

342. Hey, I swear to God.

343. I swear to God, dude.

344. I don't want to mock him

345. 'cause I'm sure he believes this,

346. and he was a funny guy.

347. But, I go, "Like what?"

348. And he goes, "You know when someone's onstage

349. "and you hear a siren?

350. "And my ride's here?

351. "That's mine."

352. And I'm like, really?

353. Could that possibly be?

354. - You think he believes it?

355. - I think he does believe it.

356. - I think he believes it too.

357. 'cause I have seen that.

358. As a matter of fact, your interview,

359. your famous interview with Rogan and Mencia

360. or Mencia, you asked him about Rogan

361. but that video where Rogan and Ari Shaffir

362. go up onstage and talk to Mencia.

363. Do you remember the joke they were arguing about?

364. - It was a joke everyone was doing.

365. It's like, who built the wall?

366. - Exactly.

367. - Were you there that night?

368. - I wasn't there that night, no.

369. - It's a joke that practically wrote itself.

370. - Yeah, I mean it's, I don't know.

371. - You guys were both doormen at the—

372. - Oh no, yeah, yeah, we both worked at the Store.

373. - The doorman at the Store,

374. there's a lot of stories there.

375. This guy told me two of them were

376. sucking each other off in the fucking parking lot.

377. - Is that true?

378. - I mean, yeah, it's true.

379. - Really?

380. It was different when I was there.

381. they weren't doing that.

382. Is that what they got to do now to get stage time?

383. Who was it?

384. - I'm not gonna mention names—

385. Wow, things have gotten rough over there at the Store.

386. - Yeah, we tightened up a little since then.

387. That was the incident that really set things in mo—

388. - Was it surprising, or were you like,

389. those guys do that.

390. - I wasn't surprised at all.

391. - Because, they were those kind of guys?

392. - Yeah, they drink a lot and they're wild.

393. - Those kind of guys.

394. You're talking about gay people?

395. - Yeah.

396. - I was—

397. - What, I mean, who else is going to be sucking each other?

398. - I know but why do you call them those kind of guys?

399. Why don't you just say, "Are they gay?"

400. - Are they gay?

401. - You sound like the guy from Mad Men or something.

402. - No, I'm not—

403. - Those kind of fellers?

404. - No, no, that was not the tone I had.

405. What my question was,

406. was it surprising to you

407. that those particular guys

408. were blowing each other in the parking lot?

409. - I was more concerned—

410. - So then, the follow up was then,

411. are they those kind of guys,

412. that would blow each other?

413. - That would blow each other.

414. - I was shocked.

415. - And it might not be that they're gay.

416. It might be power.

417. - One— - Well, that would,

418. see that's a more interesting story.

419. That's why I qualified it.

420. - One of the guys, not shocked.

421. As a matter of fact, he grew out a big beard

422. and everyone used to call him Gaybraham Lincoln.

423. - Okay.

424. - Uh, and—

425. - I call him Head Doorman.

426. - One time I saw him break—

427. - The guy who made the schedule.

428. - He went out onstage one time

429. and drank a glass of his own urine.

430. - Okay.

431. - So I wasn't surprised about that guy.

432. - Okay, okay.

433. - Was that the closer?

434. Did he close with that?

435. - Oddly enough, he did not close with that.

436. - Did he fill the glass onstage?

437. - No, he didn't open or close with that.

438. That was the middle of his act.

439. Bold.

440. - How did the audience know that was actually his urine?

441. - That's a good point.

442. But, I know it was his own urine.

443. - Where is there a laugh involved, there?

444. - No laughs.

445. A lot of gasps. - It's the new comedy.

446. - It's generational.

447. - Yeah, it's this new thing,

448. that the kids are doing.

449. - I don't know if that's meta.

450. I don't know.

451. - We should tell him to close with it.

452. - If they offered to you today, The Weekend Update,

453. would you take it?

454. - Today?

455. - Today, at this moment in your career?

456. - Sure, why not?

457. I'd give it a try. - Yeah, why not?

458. That'd be good.

459. - I need to get some closure around that.

460. You were the guy.

461. - Oh, yes, yes.

462. You told me this on your podcast that

463. I have since asked people about it.

464. - And?

465. - And no one knows about it.

466. - No one knows?

467. - No one claims to know but,

468. did you know Marci Klein?

469. - Yes.

470. - Okay, was she behind it?

471. - Yes, she's the one who set me up

472. with the auditions and everything.

473. But no, but Breuer told me.

474. - That's how I've been told.

475. - Oh, Breuer told me that Lorne pulled him into his office

476. and asked if he knew me.

477. Breuer said, "yeah",

478. but, Breuer didn't like me.

479. - Oh!

480. - And, but he copped to this.

481. He said "Yeah, he's a little uneven.

482. "A little unpredictable."

483. And Lorne was like, "Yeah, okay."

484. - Ahh, that's not a good thing to say.

485. - Yeah, Breuer told me to my face

486. that he threw me under the bus to Lorne Michaels

487. when Lorne was asking around about whether or not—

488. - Have you had,

489. because I've worked with people,

490. Roseanne, Dave Chappelle,

491. whose careers have been blasted to the ground by

492. this term, difficult or crazy,

493. or something like this.

494. - Yeah.

495. - And they've told me this, you know,

496. that even if someone as big as Roseanne

497. or Dave Chappelle have had trouble getting work

498. because they've been labeled with this arbitrary word.

499. Crazy.

500. - Yeah, I didn't have the type of career

501. that would matter.

502. I was different before a career

503. so I was never. - Right, no, but still.

504. When they're thinking of you.

505. - It's true.

506. - I had a guy who worked for me at Update, a writer,

507. and he sent in good jokes.

508. They said, "Don't hire him, he's crazy."

509. - Who was that?

510. His name was Ross Abrash.

511. But I hired him and he was a great writer and uh—

512. - Was he crazy?

513. - Well, he was a little crazy.

514. But, you know one time,

515. I was on a show,

516. and a director— - You could manage him.

517. I was on a sitcom and a director goes,

518. "Who do you want to play your father?"

519. I go, "I'd love to get Burt Reynolds."

520. "You don't want him, he's crazy."

521. I'm like, "No, I don't want you!"

522. I would love Burt Reynolds.

523. - How can you not love Burt Reynolds?

524. - I don't care if he's crazy.

525. - Well, I guess it's really, uh—

526. - Like, what does that even mean, though?

527. - Well, I guess from their side of it—

528. - Can difficult mean exacting?

529. Can crazy mean artistic—

530. - Yeah, absolutely.

531. - Yeah.

532. - But, I think from the production side,

533. if Burt Reynolds comes in and says,

534. "I'd like a trailer inside."

535. - Well, that's different.

536. - That right.

537. So, that's usually what they're thinking about,

538. like, "He's gonna come in here and we're gonna have to—"

539. - But, from a writer's standpoint,

540. writers will often say,

541. "I don't want to work with that guy."

542. because, it might mean

543. he has opinions on comedy. - Oh, right, yeah.

544. - No, I've run into those kind of problems.

545. But, I don't know if they,

546. I guess they held me back.

547. Obviously, they held me back with the Lorne Michaels thing.

548. But, I don't think,

549. I think I was just sort of self-involved,

550. and aggravated, and angry.

551. I thought I had everything coming to me.

552. It just surprised me when people were like,

553. "Oh no, you don't."

554. I'm like, "What do you mean?

555. "Aren't you my parents?"

556. So like, it was really—

557. - So that's what you've come to.

558. - Yeah.

559. - That you think it was because you were self-entitled.

560. - A little bit.

561. I don't think I ever thought

562. about show business as a business.

563. I'm just sort of like, "I'm gonna be a great comic."

564. and then everything will happen.

565. - Well, that is what happens.

566. - Yeah, but—

567. - To other people.

568. - Well, right, exactly.

569. So apparently, I was a difficult comic that

570. was inconsistent onstage and I had a bad attitude offstage

571. and it didn't happen but,

572. so, yeah, I think that was—

573. - This is what I would notice, Marc,

574. when I did auditions that I would always do good,

575. but then another guy would get the show

576. because the other guy's a great performer

577. and I wasn't. - An actor.

578. - He was an actor, yeah.

579. - Or whenever you go into those auditions

580. and you see someone you recognize from TV,

581. you're like, "I'm fucked."

582. "This is not gonna."

583. That guy's here, and then all of a sudden

584. you're comparing yourself

585. to what that guy could possibly do,

586. and by the time you walk in,

587. you're like, "Is there a point to this?

588. "Can we just move on?

589. "Thanks for having me in."

590. - One time Howard Lapides had me,

591. he always told me everybody was a huge fan,

592. and then they weren't.

593. - He didn't know you?

594. - No, so I'd be thrown off guard by that.

595. And then, one time I went in,

596. and I was next—

597. - Is he still your manager?

598. - No.

599. He's a good guy, though.

600. I was walking in,

601. and walking out was Powers Boothe.

602. I was like, I don't know how to play,

603. I can't be the villain!

604. So, I just told them.

605. - Managers are ridiculous with that stuff!

606. How long before you realized that

607. they were just bullshitting you?

608. It took me almost my entire career—

609. - A long time, yeah.

610. - to realize just how much they were lying.

611. I caught my manager's assistant in a lie,

612. and I knew he was lying!

613. He refused.

614. Like, here's what happens.

615. I go do a gig.

616. I'm in the middle of a separation.

617. I'm in bad shape.

618. I shouldn't even be onstage in a real gig.

619. I should just be doing The Comedy Store.

620. I get booked on this co-headliner thing

621. with Tom Papa in San Luis Obispo, or somewhere.

622. It's a theater, like a subscription theater.

623. - Yeah, hm.

624. - And I get there, it's raining out,

625. I'm heartbroken, I'm aggravated,

626. and Papa—

627. - You and Tom Papa don't seem like—

628. - But no, I know it's crazy!

629. So Papa, like, I figured at least

630. he'll go after me and clean up, right?

631. So, we get there, he's like,

632. "I gotta get back to LA.

633. "Can I go first?"

634. I'm like. - Oooh!

635. - I'm like, all right.

636. So, he goes and he does this squeaky clean—

637. - He's nice and friendly—

638. - Yeah, he's bouncing around stage, you know.

639. - Everyone likes Tom Papa.

640. - Everyone loves Tom Papa.

641. Kills.

642. With the 400 people in the room that seated 1200.

643. So, I get up there—

644. - This guy shambles up.

645. - Oh yeah, just a mess.

646. I pull a chair out.

647. You know, Tom's running around, I just sit down

648. and I'm crouched, I do one joke about the President

649. or some dubious joke—

650. - You sat on a chair?

651. - Yeah, I always sit on a chair now.

652. So, but I sat on a chair and I'm crumpled—

653. - But, back then?

654. - Yeah, I don't think it was my thing yet,

655. but, I'd grown, I like the chair.

656. It makes me happy.

657. So, I crumple down and I do this joke.

658. I can't remember, It was something about

659. turning the black president idea on its head,

660. but wasn't racist.

661. There was maybe two black people

662. in this room full of white people,

663. and they all got uncomfortable,

664. and it was immediately off to a bad start.

665. I only had to do 40.

666. I ended up doing like an hour and a half.

667. It's in a theater, and I'm bombing,

668. and I can't get off.

669. Sometimes, when I'm bombing, I just want to make sure

670. they can't say they didn't get their money's worth.

671. I'm gonna keep going.

672. Then I get off, and it was awkward.

673. I get out, and we're driving home,

674. me and my friend, Don.

675. It's raining out.

676. And the woman who booked the thing called me up

677. and she goes, "What did you do?"

678. and I'm like, "I just, you know, I just did my shit."

679. She goes "They said you did a late night set."

680. I'm like, "I don't even know what that means."

681. "They said you did an hour and a half."

682. and then she says, "They're not even gonna

683. "let me book clients there anymore,

684. "because of what you did."

685. I'm like, "Oh my god.

686. "Well, I'm sorry.

687. "Well, maybe it was bad timing."

688. - And any clients.

689. Right, so then yeah, any clients.

690. Like, I ruined this, ruined her.

691. And then like, a couple of hours later—

692. - You hurt this for Greg Rogell.

693. - Yeah, for Rogell.

694. He doesn't need things ruined for him, you know?

695. So, then I get a call from my manager's assistant later,

696. he's like, "Hey, I heard you killed

697. "out there in San Luis Obispo!"

698. I'm like, "Really. Where'd you hear that from?"

699. He goes, "I just talked to the people."

700. I'm like, "Really, you talked to the people that I killed?"

701. He's like, "Yeah, good job!

702. "I just wanted to, you know, call."

703. And he had other business.

704. I'm like, "Dude, you're lying.

705. "I just talked to the agent.

706. "I tanked and she can't even book—"

707. "Not what I heard."

708. "From who?"

709. He goes, "I talked to the..."

710. "Who?"

711. He goes, "The theater."

712. I'm like "You did not!"

713. He's like, "You can yell at me all you want

714. "but, I'm sticking by this.

715. "I heard you killed."

716. And I'm like, "Fuck you!"

717. - Well, a manager's kind of job though

718. to keep you thinking you're doing well.

719. - I know, but—

720. - They think that's their job.

721. - I know, but I proved it.

722. You're just lying to me.

723. - You proved it empirically that—

724. - That you're lying.

725. And he would not cop to it

726. and then I had a problem with him

727. and then shortly after I left my manager.

728. - In ways though, doesn't your manager

729. kind of have to lie and pretend you're,

730. tell you that you're doing good and stuff?

731. - Well, I had a conversation with my manager yesterday

732. about the IFC.

733. Because, when you're on cable,

734. the numbers are different.

735. - Yes.

736. 'Cause you get the nights numbers,

737. and then you get the plus threes,

738. and plus sevens and also the fact that

739. it's IFC, whatever, whatever the case is.

740. I get on the phone with her, and I'm like,

741. "How are the numbers?"

742. She goes, "Well, you know, they're like last week."

743. - how are the plus threes?

744. - Yeah, right.

745. Well, it wasn't plus threes.

746. It was just the one day,

747. but, literally she was like, "We're doing great.

748. "You know, last week we had this sporting event.

749. "This week there was another thing."

750. I'm like, "Well what, well then how, what did we do?

751. "What were the numbers?"

752. She's like, "Well, I mean, it's not important.

753. "What's important is that,"

754. I'm like, "But, what?"

755. and I said to her, I said, "Just send me the numbers.

756. "Just send me the actual numbers."

757. She goes, "I don't think you want me to do that."

758. And so that was that question, so like, "Do—

759. "You're right, just keep lying to me and buffering me.

760. "That's your job.

761. "Thank you."

762. - Yeah, but your show is a hit though.

763. - It's doing great for the network, yeah.

764. - I do remember when I had a sitcom,

765. they would always have excuses like that.

766. They'd go, like, "Remember, the NBA playoffs were on

767. "plus this other show was on that's

768. "way better than your show."

769. - Yeah, yeah, a lot of things were going on.

770. People were watching television

771. on other channels last night.

772. - Big night.

773. This guy, oh we have to go to break?

774. He only answered one question.

775. - Oh, is there more questions?

776. - Nah, there was just—

777. - I'll hang out.

778. Want to hang out now?

779. - We take a break.

780. - For a commercial?

781. - Yeah, we pretend it's a TV show

782. and then, they call me up and say,

783. "Would you like to take the show after Letterman?"

784. - Is that gonna happen?

785. - Sure, it will.

786. - Yeah, I have faith in you.

787. - We'll be back.

788. - Back on the show with Marc Maron

789. and my trust sidekick, Adam Eget.

790. We were just talking about comedians

791. we will not mention now,

792. but as you grow older,

793. you see them in shambles around you.

794. - It's a little brutal sometimes.

795. - When I was young, you probably

796. know this guy from here and there.

797. - Who?

798. - Uncle Dirty!

799. - Yeah, Bob Altman!

800. - Yeah, his name was Robert Altman,

801. but he couldn't call himself that.

802. - I used to love Bob Altman.

803. - So he changed it to Uncle Dirty,

804. but he wasn't really dirty.

805. - No, he wasn't, but his big thing was,

806. he'd go to the Improv and be like,

807. "I had the biggest comedy record of 1973."

808. Whatever it was.

809. - And he'd talk about Lenny.

810. - Yeah, he'd talk about them all.

811. Then he'd go up and do his 20 minutes on pigeons.

812. - Exactly.

813. I never knew if it was true,

814. but one night, me and Uncle Dirty were

815. doing the Rochester Yuk Yuk's.

816. That night we went into his hotel room,

817. and he was smoking a joint, and I was watching him.

818. We were watching the TV,

819. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

820. This was way back.

821. And Johnny Carson has George Carlin on there

822. talking about the old days and this and that,

823. and this club and that club,

824. and Johnny Carson out of nowhere goes,

825. "Do you remember Uncle Dirty?"

826. And that was it, nothing—

827. - Do you think Carlin's remember?

828. - They didn't even say.

829. He goes, "Yeah."

830. And that was it.

831. So, I got real sad,

832. and Uncle Dirty got real happy.

833. I don't know what happened.

834. You want some questions from the Twitterverse?

835. - Sure.

836. - You, came along at a time when social media

837. anyway, this is what the question is.

838. "If podcasts were not," he says were never invented.

839. If podcasts didn't exist.

840. "Would you have done something else at the time when

841. you started doing your podcast?"

842. - Well yeah, suicide was an option.

843. Wait, well I would've done a lot of things,

844. had I been given the opportunity.

845. Would I have done something else?

846. There was nothing else to do!

847. - There was nothing to do proactively by yourself—

848. - well no, I mean it was like I was doing stand-up,

849. I was rotting on the vine, I was broke.

850. I had just gotten a,

851. like, I had big plans, you know,

852. at some other point in my life.

853. There was a period like, when I got fired from doing radio,

854. I'm like, I'm just gonna

855. do a radio show from my garage.

856. I got an ISDN hookup and I thought I was golden.

857. I thought I was gonna be one of those guys that

858. I can do a live radio show from my garage.

859. I'm all set, no buyers, nothing!

860. - What are you better at?

861. Being a broadcaster or being a stand-up comedian?

862. In your mind?

863. I know which it is.

864. - I think that the thing that happened with the podcast

865. in terms of being a conversationalist

866. and being able to have conversations with people,

867. that's a unique talent that I don't think I knew I had.

868. In terms of like, just talking on a mic by myself?

869. I think I'm pretty good comic,

870. and I think I'm a pretty good broadcaster,

871. but they're sort of different.

872. Like, I don't feel the pressure to be funny in the garage

873. and I can be a little more freer with my ideas,

874. which is great.

875. I think that I know how to be a comic.

876. I think that they're pretty even.

877. What do you think?

878. - I think you're better without an audience.

879. - Mm. Okay.

880. I'll take it.

881. - I mean, I think you're great at both

882. but, uh— - That took too long.

883. - Well, there's so many stand-ups.

884. - I think it blends, but it—

885. and I used to, and I do love stand-up,

886. but not as much as I used to.

887. - No, I get that, but it's tricky with me,

888. because I am very grateful

889. for the success I got from doing this thing

890. and I think that it's unique,

891. and that what I do there is not like anyone else

892. and I'm very proud of that.

893. There's still part of my head, it's like,

894. I set out to be a stand-up comedian.

895. I will continue to be a stand-up comedian,

896. - I see that in you.

897. - and I do a good job.

898. - You do great.

899. - Yeah.

900. All I'm saying,

901. and you took my silence

902. as an insult to your stand-up,

903. I think you're a great stand-up.

904. - I was absorbing the pain of it.

905. - I think there's a million stand-ups.

906. - I know.

907. - I miss guys like Tom Snyder

908. and Larry King and guys like that.

909. - Larry can go do a show.

910. It's just right over there in—

911. - It's over at Ora.

912. - Yeah, Larry's still around.

913. - But yeah, he won't refuse.

914. He refuses to stop and so does Regis.

915. But these guys—

916. - I like Regis. - Tremendous talents.

917. - Great broadcasters.

918. - And there's not broadcasters around anymore.

919. - I used to watch—

920. - But, you are one.

921. - I think you're right.

922. I don't know how I would fare on—

923. - How about 12:30 on CBS—

924. - I'll take it.

925. - And you do a Snyder show.

926. Forget the audience.

927. - That's what I want to do.

928. - Just do one-on-one. - Is that what you wanna do?

929. - I would like to do that also.

930. But, I would only like to do it every second day.

931. So I'll take the alternating days.

932. - Yeah, there you go.

933. - Me and you.

934. Add me to the grassroots campaign.

935. Norm, Norm, Marc, Marc.

936. - No, I think you—

937. No, I think you'd be very awesome at that

938. 'cause I miss that one-on-one,

939. that Bob Costas, you know.

940. - Yeah, me too and you don't see it anymore.

941. And Charlie Rose is not really that.

942. - No, he's interviewing some guy you don't know.

943. - Right.

944. - I don't wanna see the fucking guy.

945. Some Belgian mother-fucker that wrote a book.

946. - That's right, yeah, yeah.

947. Some guy whose the head of finance for the—

948. - But, you don't understand what either of them are saying.

949. - They're both trying very hard to sound like

950. they know what—

951. - Yeah, Snyder or you, can bring it down to a—

952. - Yeah, get it right in there.

953. - Larry King, or just, you know,

954. you'll say to Neil Armstrong,

955. "What's it like stepping on the moon?"

956. That's all.

957. - Powerful question for Neil Armstrong.

958. - A challenging question.

959. "What's it like up there on the moon?

960. "Where you were?

961. "How was the only thing you ever did?

962. "How does that feel?"

963. - Guess what I heard Larry King say to a guy once?

964. - What, what?

965. - The guy had lost his child.

966. - Oh no.

967. - And Larry King goes, "Paul Newman told me

968. you never get over it."

969. I'd just like tell him I'm feeling psychotic.

970. - I went to his house to interview him

971. and he was—

972. - You did interview him?

973. - I did and it was like, it was weird,

974. because I talked about this.

975. I felt bad about it 'cause I was supposed,

976. I thought I was supposed to be there at like 11:15.

977. I get to his house at like five to 11.

978. and I park out in front of Larry King's house.

979. I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna be rude.

980. And I go knock at the door at 11:15

981. and you know, someone opens it and I go,

982. "Hey, where's Larry."

983. and she says, He'll be right down."

984. and he walks down the stairs, he goes, "You're late!"

985. I'm like, "What?"

986. He's like, "11:00."

987. I'm like, "I had 11:15."

988. "Nope, 11:00."

989. I was like, "Fuck this."

990. There's a part of my brain that's like,

991. "I don't need this shit."

992. I barely wanted to interview him.

993. And you know, because I just didn't know where it would go.

994. Guys who are as public as he is

995. and are broadcasters as well,

996. what am I really gonna get out of him?

997. So, I literally had this moment where I was like,

998. "Well, what do you want to do?"

999. and he goes, "I dunno.

1000. "How long is it gonna take?"

1001. I go, "It takes an hour."

1002. He goes, "I'll give you 45."

1003. and then we go sit in this room, in his living room.

1004. I set up my shit, and he talks to me,

1005. and right at 45 he goes, "That's it."

1006. and he leaves.

1007. - That's what he did here!

1008. - Yeah, he did.

1009. - He did not show me to the door,

1010. did not, nothing, no one came.

1011. Like, I so badly wanted to steal something.

1012. I felt like I earned it.

1013. - You earned it.

1014. - Yeah, that's what he did here.

1015. He finished the show and he left.

1016. - Yeah, he was gone.

1017. - And he walked in, he was immaculately dressed

1018. and I looked like this.

1019. He didn't care for that.

1020. - But, the weird thing was, he had no—

1021. - But, he talked about death a lot.

1022. He said he thinks about death constantly.

1023. - I did a good interview with him.

1024. Like, I didn't know all that stuff about Jackie Gleason

1025. and like, you know, and that was good stuff.

1026. - Ted Shore.

1027. - Yeah, and that he was sort of carried by these celebrities

1028. but the weird thing was, he had no idea who I was

1029. or what my show was.

1030. I don't know who the hell set it up

1031. and that happens sometimes, you know.

1032. - But, isn't it their job to do that?

1033. - Well, I think he was pitching something.

1034. He was trying to get some traction with his show.

1035. So, that's how the opportunity came to me.

1036. But then, he had me on his show

1037. and he was sort of apologetic.

1038. He's like, "I didn't know what you did."

1039. - Well, he probably didn't know what a podcast was.

1040. - Yeah, he like was just like, "Yeah, I had no idea."

1041. And then we had a good interview.

1042. It's very weird—

1043. - He doesn't, he says he doesn't research at all.

1044. - Someone does.

1045. - Well, one time he asked,

1046. I remember he asked Jerry Seinfeld how

1047. it felt being cancelled.

1048. And Jerry Seinfeld got mad.

1049. - Someone throws some questions in front of him.

1050. - Here, I get my questions from the Twitterverse.

1051. It says here, mah, that sucks.

1052. - What? Mean?

1053. - Nah, it's just stupid.

1054. Like that question you always ask.

1055. What is it?

1056. - Uh, where do you get your ideas from?

1057. - Where do you get your ideas from?

1058. That's what he asks everybody.

1059. We get a guy in here, then he asks,

1060. "Where do you get your ideas?"

1061. And the guy just storms out.

1062. - Really?

1063. - Sometimes they look at me for a while.

1064. - Who stormed out?

1065. - Ah. - Super Dave.

1066. - Oh, really?

1067. - Oh who? - He came back.

1068. Oh wait, that's not interesting either.

1069. - Where you get your ideas from?

1070. - Yeah, he was okay.

1071. - I know where some of them come from.

1072. 'cause like, when I do comedy,

1073. I always go onstage with like ideas,

1074. just sort of half-baked ideas

1075. so most of my punchlines

1076. come out of that moment where

1077. I have no choice.

1078. Like, I'll,

1079. 'cause I know that the bit's funny

1080. and usually it's funny enough to

1081. get some laughs without a tag,

1082. but sometimes I don't know where the tag's gonna come from.

1083. You're just waiting

1084. and then one night when things aren't going well,

1085. just out of necessity, you tag it.

1086. - You freshen them.

1087. - Yeah.

1088. - Oh yeah, one of my favorites,

1089. Do you have that "oh my god" moment when

1090. I remember hearing about,

1091. it was a great idea about—

1092. - An OMG moment.

1093. - It takes 10 years.

1094. - Oh, the overnight success story?

1095. - Yeah, the overnight success, you hear that one?

1096. - No.

1097. - That was brilliant.

1098. - I had to up that to 20 years.

1099. - Yeah, that would work too.

1100. - The old joke I used to do is like,

1101. you know it takes 10 years to create an overnight success,

1102. but what you don't know is

1103. that's the same exact amount of time it takes

1104. to create a bitter failure.

1105. and you really don't know what's going to happen

1106. till like the night before.

1107. - Oh yeah.

1108. - And dreams won't die.

1109. They don't die with any sort of epiphany.

1110. It's more like.

1111. - Yeah.

1112. - But, I had to up that to 20.

1113. - It's like, you know 'cause—

1114. - that's a poem, then.

1115. - This is the year of the,

1116. this is the time of commencement speeches

1117. and so forth.

1118. I saw Jim Carrey's and Charlie Day

1119. and it's like, "Follow your dreams.

1120. Follow your dreams."

1121. But, these are guys who've caught their dreams.

1122. - That's the weirdest thing, though.

1123. I deal with thinking about that

1124. 'cause a lot of times, people will start a podcast

1125. or ask me, "What do I gotta do?"

1126. You know, "Pray for good luck, man."

1127. - Luck is a lot, isn't it?

1128. - I mean like, you know, if you got talent.

1129. Good, that's a start.

1130. But like, for once in my life,

1131. the podcast thing,

1132. you know, I think I'm unique at what I do

1133. but, the timing just like,

1134. outside of anything I had control over—

1135. - when I was on Update, a guy would send in jokes every day

1136. about three pages a day

1137. and it takes a long time even to type that much.

1138. It's hard work.

1139. And the jokes kind of made sense,

1140. but none of them ever made the,

1141. And then I thought is it my duty to phone this guy

1142. and tell him, you know, "You can never be a comedy writer.

1143. "You're not good enough."

1144. - Yeah, go home.

1145. - Or what?

1146. - Mitzi used to say that

1147. it was a sin to encourage mediocre talent.

1148. I believe that was her big thing.

1149. - Dude, did she look at her line-ups?

1150. - Yeah, I know.

1151. I've seen the names on the wall.

1152. There is one wall at the Store

1153. and there's like, it looked like she was

1154. just telling people her favorite foods.

1155. There's like, Butterscotch, Spaghetti and Meatballs.

1156. - Well, here's a question that's like that.

1157. "What is your favorite movie of all time?"

1158. - It seems like the ones that I watch the most,

1159. like, I will watch Goodfellas no matter what.

1160. When it's on, what channel it's on,

1161. whether they cut the language out, I don't care.

1162. I'll just watch it for the buzz.

1163. You know, there are scenes that are—

1164. - It's a channel-stopper.

1165. - Oh yeah, always.

1166. - You turn on the TV and that's on,

1167. like, well, I'm not doing anything

1168. for the next hour and a half.

1169. - Yeah, Godfather II seems to be a pretty important movie.

1170. Like, in my mind, all questions are

1171. answered in Godfather II.

1172. - Well, here's a good trivia question you can ask people.

1173. I'll give you the answer.

1174. You'll get the answer now.

1175. But, who won the Oscar,

1176. what two actors won the Oscar playing the same role?

1177. - Hm.

1178. - You can get it from the movie you just said.

1179. - What, Al Pacino?

1180. - No.

1181. - But wait, no—

1182. - De Niro and Brando?

1183. - Yeah.

1184. - Ohhh.

1185. - So that's a good question, isn't it?

1186. - Yeah, it's a fun question.

1187. I wish I was more of a,

1188. Yeah, I mean, I don't feel like—

1189. - I told him, I've asked him that many times

1190. and this is the first time he's got it.

1191. - I wish I could've gotten excited

1192. and been like, "Wait, wait, wait."

1193. And then nailed it.

1194. - Well, you would've got it if he hadn't fucking said it.

1195. - You said Godfather—

1196. - So we had Carl Reiner on, right?

1197. So he wants to tell his— - He got it?

1198. - Carl Reiner want to tell his fucking joke, right?

1199. So, he's like, "I have a short attention span."

1200. - Yeah.

1201. - "I have a short," what, it was something.

1202. No, "I have, I have, short-term memory."

1203. "I have short-term memory."

1204. So anyways, I know what's coming.

1205. So he goes, "I have short-term memory."

1206. then this retard goes, "Is that a problem with the comedy?"

1207. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

1208. - Let him do his bit!

1209. - Yeah, fuckin let him do it.

1210. - He started by saying,

1211. and he's talking about his Twitter handle, like his name,

1212. and then I was thinking that was the name,

1213. it was just really long.

1214. - This guy says, "You and Henny Youngman are

1215. the top comics to make hay out of their bad marriages."

1216. - No.

1217. - Well, he said, "Take my wife, please."

1218. - He said, "Take my wife, please."

1219. And I said, "I am fucked!"

1220. My wife took everything, I'm sad,

1221. yeah, I didn't have the tags.

1222. I didn't have the tags.

1223. - My wife took everything, please.

1224. - God, I wish I—

1225. - This guy says "Your last name is beautiful,

1226. "like macaroon or malomar."

1227. - Who is this, same guy?

1228. - No, this is CharlesPat99,

1229. "Your last name is beautiful like macaroon or malomar."

1230. - Is that a question?

1231. - "Do you think it has helped your career?"

1232. There was a thing in Freakonomics about names helping—

1233. - No, my name has been a disaster, both of them.

1234. It's Marc with a C and M-A-R-O-N.

1235. I get Marc with a K and Marin, Maran, Moron,

1236. um, Marone, like, no one can fucking—

1237. - But, not macaroon or malomar?

1238. - Not malomar.

1239. Certainly not malomar.

1240. I could've changed it to that.

1241. - What is this Jerusalem Syndrome all about?

1242. You claim to be Jewish all the time.

1243. - I am Jewish.

1244. - Tell the folks at home what the Jerusalem Syndrome is.

1245. Tell the folks at home.

1246. The camera, the folks at home.

1247. - No, yeah, I know what you're asking.

1248. I don't know the answer.

1249. - I could tell you.

1250. - He's not Jewish.

1251. I know you know.

1252. 'Cause that was a book of yours and a one-man show.

1253. But, it's also a real thing.

1254. - Yeah, it's kind of a weird thing

1255. and it's stuff like that,

1256. I think that title might've killed that book.

1257. - Why?

1258. - Because everyone thought like,

1259. "Beh, this sounds like, Jewy."

1260. "This sounds complicated."

1261. "I won't get involved with that."

1262. But, it was really a comedic premise.

1263. Jerusalem Syndrome is this temporary psychological state

1264. where some people, they go to the Middle East, to Israel,

1265. and they kind of snap.

1266. They have a manic break

1267. and they think they're like a prophet

1268. or a biblical character.

1269. And the premise was, I think I've had that all my life.

1270. Not just when I went to Israel

1271. but I think I've been that important.

1272. - Comically or,

1273. you never had a psychotic break.

1274. - No, I think, well there was a period there—

1275. - You had a messianic,

1276. oh, you had a psychotic break with the cocaine.

1277. With Sam Kinison.

1278. - It was a little bit of a psychotic break.

1279. Yeah, definitely.

1280. - With Sam Kinison responsible for this?

1281. - Yeah, well he definitely sponsored it.

1282. He definitely encouraged it.

1283. I thought I could keep up with the real guy.

1284. - The real Messiah.

1285. - Oh my God.

1286. - He was the real Messiah and you were the false Messiah.

1287. - No, I think he,

1288. yeah, I don't know whether he thought he was Satan,

1289. or the Messiah, I think he knew he was gonna get in

1290. if he had a second at the end to say he was, you know,

1291. straight with Jesus.

1292. I think his whole idea was like,

1293. I get it.

1294. "You can do whatever the fuck you want

1295. and at the last minute, you can got like, I'm sorry.

1296. You get into the good place.

1297. - Well, according to Mr. LaBove, he had that moment.

1298. - Yeah, he did have that moment

1299. In LaBove's lap, I think.

1300. Yeah, and then—

1301. - In the lap of Carl LaBove.

1302. The sad story after he died involving Carl

1303. is a whole other chapter.

1304. - Oh yes.

1305. - Oh, the kid.

1306. - The kid!

1307. What were you gonna ask me?

1308. Was I there what night?

1309. - Were you there the night he shot his gun off?

1310. - I'd gone by then.

1311. I left before the guns came out.

1312. - But, tell us what a psychotic break is like.

1313. - It's great.

1314. - I know what it's like.

1315. - Have you been there?

1316. - Yes.

1317. - Really?

1318. Did we talk about it?

1319. - No, we've never talked about that.

1320. But, what about yours, though?

1321. - Well, mine was like—

1322. - 'Cause it has beauty

1323. and terror in it at the same time.

1324. - The beauty of mine was that like,

1325. I was always a little conspiracy-minded

1326. and out here in LA, it got very mystical for me.

1327. I thought that everything had symbols and meanings.

1328. and that we were in this weird illusion factory,

1329. and the power that show business had,

1330. and the history of LA and the history of The Comedy Store.

1331. I was like, I was on the porch of The Comedy Store

1332. looking at them rebuilding the Sunset Tower, that hotel,

1333. that big deco tower,

1334. and I thought the altar on top had some significance,

1335. that something was gonna play out up there.

1336. I started hearing voices in my head.

1337. I was like, Okay, I know I'm supposed to do something.

1338. Something is reaching out for me.

1339. What is it?

1340. - it's always something that's

1341. right out of your grasp.

1342. - Right, right, 'cause I've been assigned a mission.

1343. It's just unclear.

1344. But, clearly I'd understand things that

1345. no one else understands and the joke I did about it,

1346. I said, "Yeah, I've had voices in my head

1347. "and what's weird when you have voices in your head,

1348. "it's always many, it's never one

1349. "and you spend a lot of time trying to get them

1350. "to pick a fucking leader.

1351. 'If someone's got something to say,

1352. "step to the front of the head."

1353. 'Cause I used to like, lay in my closet,

1354. with this chatter in my head.

1355. And I was like, you know,

1356. I just kinda got to make out one word, just one sentence.

1357. Surprisingly, the thing that

1358. ended that period in my life was,

1359. I was laying in bed at Steve Kravitz's house,

1360. because I had to get out, and he was gone,

1361. so, he had an extra room.

1362. 'Cause at some point I'm like,

1363. "What if those guys come and make me do cocaine again?"

1364. I need to—

1365. - Cocaine is what fuels this.

1366. - Yeah, lack of sleep and cocaine.

1367. And I used to go crash somewhere else

1368. because it got ugly.

1369. There was a big scene in the parking lot

1370. of the Comedy Store.

1371. I was laying in Kravits's house—

1372. - You know about big scenes there.

1373. - Yeah, not —

1374. - Remember, you sucked off that fucking guy.

1375. - It wasn't me.

1376. - I wish it was that kinda scene

1377. - He sucked off a fucking—

1378. - Oh, that was you.

1379. - That was not me.

1380. I'm laying in bed, and I'm literally

1381. laying there and out loud I'm saying

1382. "How far out can I go?"

1383. I swear, in my memory a voice I've never heard before,

1384. as clear as day said "You've gone far enough."

1385. I'm like "Thank you."

1386. and the next day, I packed up my shit,

1387. whatever didn't fit in my car, I gave away.

1388. I paid my debts, and I left.

1389. - Wow.

1390. - Left.

1391. - So, one of the voices was the voice of reason.

1392. - Right.

1393. - Then you go, usually people go

1394. to their parents place in such a time.

1395. - I went to my brother,

1396. who was living in Tucson at the time.

1397. I said I'm fucked up.

1398. I gotta get off the blow.

1399. I'm in trouble. - Give me a basement.

1400. - Yeah.

1401. He goes, "I'm graduating.

1402. We're about to go party."

1403. I'm like, well, different people, okay.

1404. - Oh God.

1405. - So they, then I went, yeah I ended up going home.

1406. I immediately renewed my passport,

1407. 'cause, I'm pretty sure I was gonna have to run.

1408. I don't know from what.

1409. - So, you still have it.

1410. - Oh, no. - It's residual.

1411. - Dude, it took like two or three years.

1412. I came back here, I used to come back to LA.

1413. I ended up going into rehab the first time.

1414. I stayed sober for about 1 year and a half.

1415. Every time I came back to the comedy store in LA,

1416. You'd feel it, the—

1417. - Well, I feel nothing, it's just a dark—

1418. No.

1419. - Yeah, but it's like a definitely a tone.

1420. - If you spend enough time there,

1421. I'm not a very spiritual person,

1422. but I feel like there's something there.

1423. - But, it went away.

1424. - Did it?

1425. - It finally went away.

1426. The store was sort of the source of it—

1427. - Got enough space between you and the store for—

1428. - I don't know, it's just like the sort of,

1429. I was able to kind of, practically,

1430. in a cognitive way, just disconnect

1431. from conspiratorial thinking.

1432. 'Cause, that's where you get into trouble,

1433. is where it's sort of like, I know what this means.

1434. - Yeah, yeah.

1435. - Like, what could that be like?

1436. Why's that song playing now?

1437. And how come that thing's over there.

1438. - The newspaper headline.

1439. - Yeah, and it's like, it's part of OCD.

1440. - Did anything happen in the news,

1441. and you go "Oh, wait a minute"

1442. - Oh yeah, I used to cut pictures out of the paper.

1443. There was one point, this was before I shook it,

1444. Yeah, I was back in Boston,

1445. there was a picture of George Bush Senior.

1446. In the front page of the paper doing this,

1447. and that's the sign for the Texas Longhorns.

1448. - Ah, yeah.

1449. - The team. - Yes, yes.

1450. But, I'm like, no, this is a signal

1451. I cut that thing out.

1452. I called the paper.

1453. I'm like, "How do I get this picture?"

1454. - They go, "Well, you gotta contact the UPI,

1455. and get the original copy.

1456. It's probably gonna be, like $500."

1457. I went, "I'll just cut it out of the paper."

1458. - It's not a crazy, conspiratorial idea.

1459. Somebody from George Bush Seniors camp should've

1460. probably advised him.

1461. - Not to do the Satan sign?

1462. - Yeah.

1463. - They might—

1464. - Bad press?

1465. - They might spin—

1466. - Well, it got through to me.

1467. I'm like, I knew it.

1468. I knew it.

1469. They're all part of it.

1470. - That's a good point.

1471. - Hey, why you

1472. I was wondering if you,

1473. we talk a lot about music at the store,

1474. great taste in music,

1475. if you could go back in time,

1476. see any band, any era,

1477. who do you think it would be?

1478. Live in concert.

1479. - Well, I'd love to see Hendrix at the peek

1480. of what he was doing.

1481. I often wonder about that.

1482. The amount of drugs he'd probably take.

1483. When he started going off, if he'd be like,

1484. "Uh, here we go."

1485. You know, but a, I think that would've been pretty amazing.

1486. - I would've love to have seen—

1487. - Well, if he would've made it,

1488. though, to this point, he would be like you.

1489. Like, when you tell me you finally became clear.

1490. Of course, you became clear.

1491. - You wonder what would've happened.

1492. - You're here, doing a show.

1493. - Oh yeah, everything's good now.

1494. - But, if you hadn't become clear, you—

1495. - Who the hell knows?

1496. I'm lucky I didn't die.

1497. Well, that's the other thing—

1498. - I'm sure you see people,

1499. after having this psychotic break,

1500. you cannot walk past a homeless person

1501. that rants, without some empathy.

1502. Well, you have empathy.

1503. You're also like, maybe we can,

1504. I have to fight the urge, be like

1505. let's just sit down, and figure out

1506. what the core of this is.

1507. Because, honestly, some people

1508. are just psychotic.

1509. Some people, they have that.

1510. We were afforded the luxury

1511. of having a vacation in that area.

1512. For whatever reason.

1513. You know, but I do, like the scariest part

1514. about the brain is that there's so much of it

1515. that is just operating without your permission.

1516. You don't know where it's gonna fucking take you.

1517. You said you have a little OCD.

1518. That kind of stuff drives me nuts, man.

1519. I mean like, why can't, I just checked the gas.

1520. I'm going back a third time?

1521. I mean, where's the logic in that?

1522. - It ruins your life.

1523. - It's so fragile,

1524. let alone you put a bunch of chemicals in it.

1525. - Oh, yeah.

1526. - So, you're sober?

1527. Clean and sober.

1528. - 15 years.

1529. - And you?

1530. - I fell off the wagon.

1531. - Ah, you're fucking

1532. - How long were you on?

1533. - I had about two years.

1534. - This guy's 15 fucking years.

1535. - I gotta start back. - I'll get to 15 years.

1536. I don't wanna jinx it.

1537. August.

1538. - No, no, there you go.

1539. - But then, when you go back to the AA meeting,

1540. this mother fucker,

1541. then they're like "Ohh, you're alright",

1542. shouldn't they be like, "You mother fucker."

1543. - You idiot. - Yeah.

1544. - I do enough of that to myself.

1545. - You don't deserve to be sober.

1546. - You can't cut it. - Yeah, I don't know—

1547. I don't know how it works.

1548. - I want to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

1549. What a bunch of fucking losers.

1550. - But, that's the closest I've been, but,

1551. Tell me about AA.

1552. Did you ever go to the 12 step.

1553. - Yeah, yeah.

1554. - So, you tell him.

1555. - Well, I had trouble. - Tell him.

1556. - I went to AA, and I was sent away—

1557. - Forget about how bad AA is.

1558. Talk about yourself and your fucking—

1559. - Well, I was—

1560. - Demon rum.

1561. - I was sent away to a boarding school

1562. when I was, no but it was very culty.

1563. I had problems, you know.

1564. - AA is?

1565. No, I—

1566. - No, he's talking about

1567. who's responsible for his alcoholism.

1568. - No, no, no, no.

1569. So, the reason AA didn't work for me

1570. is probably because I didn't

1571. put enough effort into it.

1572. Another part of it is, when I first got to AA,

1573. it reminded me a lot

1574. of this boarding school cult, or whatever.

1575. So, it felt very culty—

1576. - Do you think he has a psychotic break because he

1577. thinks his boarding school was a cult?

1578. - No, it was shut down.

1579. It was officially shut, it was a cult.

1580. - It was a cult. - Here's the deal.

1581. - He thinks his boarding school was a cult.

1582. Don't you think we would've read that in the newspaper?

1583. - I think all boarding schools are cults.

1584. - Oh, in some way, yeah.

1585. - We ought to do four days alone in—

1586. - You gotta wear the outfit. I was 14 years old.

1587. - You gotta get up, and do the thing.

1588. - Exactly, exactly.

1589. - Then, they have recess.

1590. - You gotta come back after recess.

1591. - We did sleep deprivation, 24 hours long.

1592. - It's definitely a programming thing.

1593. - Yeah, yeah. - It's a darn school.

1594. - So, the weird thing about AA is,

1595. most people don't stay sober.

1596. That's the bottom line.

1597. No matter what approach they take, whether it's AA,

1598. or the other thing, or cold turkey, whatever.

1599. Most people don't make it.

1600. - AA has the most success rate.

1601. - I guess—

1602. - They always say, "You're gonna end up dead,

1603. or your gonna end up something else.

1604. - Well, did you stop gambling?

1605. - But, what about Charlie Sheen?

1606. - What about him?

1607. - They must be mad at that guy.

1608. - No, he's very proud to be,

1609. he's lucky that he's gonna keep going.

1610. I think he's decided how he's gonna go.

1611. - That's what I'm saying.

1612. He must make Doctor Drew mad, a fella like that.

1613. - The guy has tiger blood.

1614. - I don't know.

1615. But, then there's the question,

1616. Everybody's got their own free will,

1617. and everybody can determine

1618. what kind of life they wanna live.

1619. So, I imagine that,

1620. is Charlie Sheen deeply unhappy, somewhere in there?

1621. - But, is he successful?

1622. - Well, yeah.

1623. But, I don't know if that's the issue.

1624. Obviously, he's successful.

1625. - This hasn't torn apart his life.

1626. - I don't know if that's really true.

1627. I mean, he's got a lot of money.

1628. - Yeah, a lot of money, a lot of women.

1629. He has a hit show.

1630. - There's a period there, before Two and a Half Men,

1631. where he was scrambling.

1632. He always made money.

1633. But, I wonder, if you really look at Charlie Sheen,

1634. and Wall Street, and Platoon, what could he have done

1635. hadn't he gone the way he went

1636. to feed his nut. - That's so true.

1637. - I mean, he was a pretty gifted actor,

1638. who could have done some amazing things.

1639. I think he wanted to.

1640. Sure, he's got all the money in the world,

1641. and he can do what every the fuck he wants.

1642. - You dated Moon Zappa?

1643. - Briefly.

1644. - Moon Zappa?

1645. - Yeah, I love her.

1646. - I bet, when you were a kid, you loved her father.

1647. - I didn't understand him,

1648. and, not until recently, did I start really doing it.

1649. Moon and I have known each other for a long time.

1650. Recently, I was like well I'm free, and she's finally free,

1651. and we always sort of felt a draw.

1652. - She seems like a sweet, funny girl.

1653. - She's great, and we dated for like five months.

1654. It just didn't work out, just because it didn't work out.

1655. - What about copkisser?

1656. He say's "You're a person who's shown

1657. a lot of kindness to stray cats.

1658. Some people say that is

1659. because you don't like human beings."

1660. How's that true for you?

1661. - It's not true at all.

1662. I like human beings a lot.

1663. The stray cat thing was sort of imposed.

1664. It was a weird reason that I had those cats.

1665. I was living in Astoria, Queens.

1666. I was doing political radio.

1667. I was getting up at 3:30 in the morning to go do radio.

1668. I'd go put my garbage out, and there were these five cats

1669. eating out of the garbage, and I'm like

1670. this is a disaster.

1671. They're all gonna fuck each other,

1672. and we're gonna have a real problem.

1673. - Oh, yeah.

1674. - So, one night, I'm like someone's gotta deal with this.

1675. Then, that went on for like, a week or so.

1676. I'm like, I guess I'm gonna deal with it.

1677. I trapped all these cats in boxes,

1678. and I brought them into my apartment

1679. not knowing they were feral.

1680. So, once their eating on their own, they're not cute cats.

1681. They're wild animals.

1682. So, no I got four— - Feral cats.

1683. - Yeah, four feral cats in my apartment.

1684. I can't get them out of the apartment now.

1685. It's a disaster.

1686. I'm on the radio telling people, "Help me.

1687. "Please, is there a cat lady that can come over

1688. "and deal with this."

1689. Eventually, I had cages in my apartment

1690. we're I'm inoculating cats.

1691. It was crazy.

1692. But, I still have two cats from that original troop.

1693. - Really?

1694. - Yeah, ten years later.

1695. - They live real long, cats.

1696. - Yeah, I love them.

1697. They've sort of, they've relaxed.

1698. I take care of some strays, but—

1699. - Now, you had a question on some music—

1700. - I like people though.

1701. - I know you like people.

1702. You like music.

1703. You wanna ask him a question about the guy that

1704. was in the Stray Cats, or some fucking thing.

1705. - Brian Setzer?

1706. I was not.

1707. - He's a good guitar player.

1708. - He's a great guitar player.

1709. - Hell of a picker.

1710. - Jimmy Hendrix, and I think Led Zepplin

1711. at the peek of their thing, would have been good.

1712. But, I like Zappa now.

1713. It was weird, when I—

1714. - Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs?

1715. - Sure, yeah.

1716. - Foggy Mountain Break Down?

1717. - It was right around the time that I started

1718. getting into Zappa, so I kinda get Zappa.

1719. - Hot Rats.

1720. - Hot Rats, yes.

1721. I wish I'd—

1722. - This guys, sausagekin8818, says

1723. "The most interesting thing about the title of your podcast

1724. is that it takes longer to take WTF

1725. than it does to say what the fuck.

1726. - I never thought of that.

1727. That guy's really doing some good thinking.

1728. - I wonder where he gets his ideas from.

1729. - Yeah, I wonder.

1730. He worked that out.

1731. - That was a bizarre one.

1732. "Do you think stand up comedy has to

1733. contain truth to have integrity?"

1734. I don't even know what that means.

1735. - No.

1736. - Or, "Who are you most jealous of?"

1737. - Right now?

1738. - Not when I get the Late, Late Show,

1739. but right now.

1740. - My jealousy is tempered.

1741. You know, lately.

1742. I don't know that I have a jealous icon, right now.

1743. There's still this sort, I still have part of my brain

1744. even though I'm doing everything I've set out to do

1745. and want to do, and I have more freedom

1746. than most people doing it,

1747. there's still always that thing,

1748. well I could be more.

1749. - You remember there was a guy with a one man show

1750. was called "Can a man this handsome be funny?"

1751. - Was that Bob Dubac?

1752. Was it?

1753. - Yes, it was.

1754. - He wasn't even the one I was talking about.

1755. - He named the show.

1756. - He still does those shows!

1757. - He did, yeah.

1758. - Well, no, I don't know if he's on—

1759. - He goes on the road, I think.

1760. - He does subscription theater's, or something.

1761. I ran into him, and he's still sort of like,

1762. I do my own thing.

1763. He was one of those guys, where it's like,

1764. what are you doing here?

1765. So, he's found his, I don't know.

1766. He's got a very inflated sense of himself.

1767. - I had one last question, actually.

1768. - I feel like I'm sweating.

1769. - I think this is the last one

1770. before we go to break, actually.

1771. We've been trying— - We're going to break.

1772. We'll be back.

1773. - Back with legendary, stand up comic Marc Marin,

1774. - That's very nice, I appreciate that.

1775. And a pioneer!

1776. They say pioneers end up with arrows in their back.

1777. - Yeah.

1778. - But, not you.

1779. - Not yet.

1780. I imagine their coming.

1781. - Here's jokes.

1782. Here's a good joke.

1783. For who else like to read jokes.

1784. - Okay.

1785. Would you like to read a joke?

1786. - Sure.

1787. - Here you go.

1788. - You want me to just do it to camera.

1789. - Yeah, you can do it to camera.

1790. You're a good reader.

1791. - An 89 year old Washington man fought off a robber

1792. with a golf club.

1793. Though, to be fair, the only reason the guy

1794. was swinging the golf club

1795. was because he mistook the robber

1796. for the Grim Specter of Death.

1797. - Oh, goodness gracious.

1798. - What kind of joke is that?

1799. - I don't know.

1800. Adam Egan's gonna read one now.

1801. - That's not a joke.

1802. - It's sort of not.

1803. - Why can't I have a good joke, with a good punchline?

1804. - I'll give you a good one.

1805. - Does that make sense to you?

1806. You're a golf guy.

1807. - It makes some sense.

1808. - Is that a tag, though?

1809. The guy was swinging the club

1810. because he mistook the robber for the Grim Specter of Death.

1811. - No, it's not a joke.

1812. - Right.

1813. - Yeah.

1814. We'll get you a joke.

1815. Go ahead.

1816. A Pakistani father stoned his daughter to death

1817. for marrying a man of her own choosing,

1818. which means Pakistan's Tourism Board

1819. is going to have to find a new slogan to replace,

1820. "Come to Pakistan. Three whole days without anyone

1821. "being brutally stoned to death by her own father."

1822. - He likes that one.

1823. - These are, Norman.

1824. - No, this is an actual joke.

1825. - That's what I was laughing at.

1826. - Marc, this is an actual joke.

1827. - These are Norm jokes.

1828. - This is an actual joke.

1829. - It's kind of a weird feeling

1830. watching The Flinstone's, lately.

1831. - Yeah, it's weird watching The Flinstone's?

1832. - Sure, yeah.

1833. - How so?

1834. - With their stone age drive-in movies,

1835. and their caveman bowling, it just seems so dated.

1836. - It does—

1837. - Do you know who Currier and Ive's are?

1838. - No.

1839. - I don't either.

1840. - Really, that's where that's gonna end?

1841. - Do you know Currier and Ive's.

1842. - Oh, Courier the font?

1843. - Ah.

1844. The font.

1845. - Hey, A cowboy at a rodeo in Georgia

1846. used his lasso to apprehend a gunman.

1847. At least, this is according to a recent segment

1848. of America's hottest new game show.

1849. Georgia police blotter or episode synopsis

1850. from Walker Texas Ranger.

1851. - That's so long.

1852. - I know.

1853. - Too long.

1854. It wasn't beated out properly.

1855. - Where do these come from?

1856. - Here's one for you.

1857. This seems sorta like you.

1858. - An Orlando police officer's press conference

1859. on curbing gun violence was interrupted by gun shots.

1860. Witnesses say the shots were incredibly loud.

1861. Not as loud as the deafening irony.

1862. That's still pretty loud.

1863. - Hey, All my Children star, Matthew Cowles.

1864. You ever watch All My Children?

1865. - Sure.

1866. - Well, All My Children star Matthew Cowles

1867. has died at the age of 69.

1868. Or has he?

1869. - Ohh.

1870. - That's a, what's All My Children called?

1871. - Huh?

1872. - It's called a...

1873. - Soap Opera? - Soap opera.

1874. - Yeah.

1875. Where do you get these jokes?

1876. - Ah, some guy.

1877. Here.

1878. - Research shows the obesity epidemic is primarily

1879. affecting lower income American's.

1880. No lower income American's could be reached for comment,

1881. because they were busy waddling around Six Flags,

1882. gnawing on a giant turkey leg, and waiting in line

1883. to buy an airbrushed Yosemite Sam tank top.

1884. - Classist.

1885. - Classist, and also three unsuccessful beats at the end.

1886. - I know, right?

1887. - Well, that's him.

1888. - Yeah, that's just me.

1889. That's not the joke.

1890. Yeah, we can't blame the joke on that.

1891. - Miss Nevada is the new Miss USA!

1892. - I now, must apologize to Miss Delaware.

1893. I actually have nothing to do with the final decision.

1894. But, I will treasure our evening together, forever.

1895. - That's pretty good.

1896. - Oh, did you hear what John Kerry, this is

1897. torn right out of today's headlines.

1898. - Oh, yeah.

1899. Today's paper.

1900. John Kerry says the latest terrorist threats

1901. against America are bologna.

1902. Quote unquote "bologna".

1903. Then he went on to shout "Why don't you pussies

1904. put your money where your mouth is?"

1905. In quotes.

1906. - Not.

1907. Here's another of the same.

1908. Which do you think is better?

1909. - Secretary of State Kerry

1910. calls the latest terror threats bologna.

1911. On his lunch meat danger scale, that's more dangerous

1912. than salami, but not as dangerous turkey loaf.

1913. - Did you ever eat pimento loaf, as a boy?

1914. - No.

1915. I mean, I saw it.

1916. - What about this?

1917. - I tasted it.

1918. How about head cheese?

1919. You ever eat it?

1920. - Oh God, yeah, eww.

1921. - I never at it, but—

1922. - You know what it is, uh? - Sure, it's head.

1923. - Yeah.

1924. - They call it cheese, but it's not.

1925. - I don't know why it's cheese—

1926. - It's not cheese at all. - It's just a head

1927. floating in goop.

1928. - Gelled goop.

1929. - Then they said, let's put cheese,

1930. 'cause no one will buy a head.

1931. - Yeah.

1932. But, some people—

1933. - I mean this guy will buy ahead, but.

1934. - I was in Montreal, at that restaurant...

1935. - Yeah, oh.

1936. - Uh, Cachon De whatever, Petite something De Cachon.

1937. You know what I'm talking about?

1938. - Yes, I do.

1939. - So, like—

1940. - A pig.

1941. - Yeah, the Pied De Cachon, right.

1942. They make their own headcheese.

1943. I'm like, really?

1944. Why would anyone?

1945. I thought that was garbage meat.

1946. But no, they're making it, right out of the head.

1947. You can order a whole pig's head there!

1948. - You can?

1949. - For two!

1950. It says, pig's head for two.

1951. - Pig's head for two.

1952. - Sorry, did I spit on you?

1953. - No.

1954. - So, you can order the pig's head

1955. and just sit there and nibble on it.

1956. - Jesus Christ.

1957. - So, I ordered the house made headcheese.

1958. Even then, it was hard to get through.

1959. - Yuch.

1960. I was in Cambodia once, I ate a brain.

1961. It was brain.

1962. - Really?

1963. - Yeah, mine was stupid.

1964. Now, what about this joke here?

1965. - The world's oldest man,

1966. a 111 year old parapsychologist has now passed away.

1967. He now knows for sure what all that stuff

1968. he believed in was bullshit.

1969. - Oh, shoot.

1970. That's depressing.

1971. - He now knows for sure that all that stuff

1972. he believed in was bullshit. - 'cause he's dead.

1973. - You really gotta know what a parapsychologist is.

1974. - I know, that's a weird word, parapsychologist.

1975. The world's oldest man, this one says,

1976. Alexander Imich.

1977. Amazed, the same guy passed away at 111?

1978. - Yeah.

1979. - Is that what your card says?

1980. - Same guy, yeah.

1981. - Same guy.

1982. And, the world's youngest man,

1983. Declan McCallister was just born.

1984. Oh wait, correction.

1985. The world's youngest man, Fan Wu Chan was just born.

1986. Wait!

1987. No, It's Gaston.

1988. No, Javier Gutiera.

1989. No, it's Taki Yamashati.

1990. No!

1991. I's Ah, God dammit.

1992. No wonder they don't keep track of the youngest man.

1993. - A long way to go.

1994. That's what they say in the business.

1995. - I know.

1996. You wanna do one last joke.

1997. - Yeah.

1998. - It's a little controversial, in these days.

1999. - Okay, let me have it.

2000. A list of the world's top 25 amusement parks

2001. was released this week with Disney's Magic Kingdom

2002. coming in at number one.

2003. Not making the list, Kyle's Rape Dungeon.

2004. - Oh!

2005. - The great, Marc Marin proving

2006. that rape can be in a joke, get a big laugh, and be funny.

2007. - I had nothing to do with this.

2008. It was handed to me.

2009. You saw it.

2010. - Oh no, we know.

2011. But, through your sheer deliver,

2012. your tyranny of will,

2013. you made the joke funny.

2014. - Yeah.

2015. That's the day Marc's career ended.

2016. - No, no, Marc's career just taking off

2017. - Skyrocketed.

2018. At the age of 49.

2019. - 50.

2020. - 50

2021. - How old are you? - 50

2022. - You're 50?

2023. - Yes.

2024. But, I'm on the decline.

2025. Now, uh—

2026. - Are you?

2027. I thought you're on the bounce back.

2028. - Yeah probably.

2029. - Oh, we're out.

2030. - Marc Marin.

2031. - Thanks for having me.

2032. - Thanks, buddy.

2033. - Thanks for being here.

2034. - Yeah, it's good to see you.

2035. - Absolutely.

2036. It was a lot of fun.