Norm Macdonald Live 2x10

1. - Tonight for the full hour, Roseanne will join us.

2. I'm here with my trusty sidekick Adam Eget.

3. - How are you, Norm?

4. - Good, good.

5. How are you?

6. - I'm great.

7. Dandy, just dandy.

8. - You're dandy.

9. Well, as long as you're feeling good.

10. - Oh yeah.

11. I had a little snack before the show.

12. As you know I like to do, it helps keep the energy up.

13. - Well, it's important to have energy

14. when you're doing a show, certainly.

15. But, I don't know, something odd about you tonight.

16. Are you okay?

17. - No, no everything's great.

18. I feel dandy.

19. And when you hear dandy, you know it's great.

20. Dandy makes everything A-OK.

21. - Okay, well, that's good.

22. Are you looking forward to Roseanne?

23. - Oh, I am.

24. She's a classic.

25. A real classic, just like the right kind of snack food

26. can be a real classic.

27. - I get it, you like your snack.

28. Do you have any questions for Roseanne?

29. - I do.

30. What have you been working on lately?

31. Where do you get your ideas from?

32. Have you tried Dan-D's new potato chips with sea salt?

33. - Well, those are pretty stupid questions.

34. Although I do like that one about where

35. she gets her ideas from.

36. - Oh, it's a dandy!

37. A real dandy.

38. - Why are you talking like an old prospector?

39. You know, maybe you need a different snack

40. to get your energy back up.

41. - You might be right, Norm.

42. In fact, I could go for some Dan-D pretzels,

43. or even some delicious Dan-D potato chips

44. or any other top quality products in the Dan-D family

45. of fine packaged foods.

46. - Wait a minute, Adam.

47. You're not usually this articulate.

48. - I can't help it, Norm.

49. I'm just so excited thinking about

50. these new Dan-D habanero pepper potato chips coming soon.

51. - Adam, we've got to get on with the show.

52. - I was thinking, Norm.

53. Why not make the show more like a party

54. where we could have Dan-D potato chips,

55. or Dan-D pretzels, or even we can try some of these new

56. Dan-D peanuts in a new, convenient snack bag.

57. - What is this?

58. Dan-D this and Dan-D that.

59. What are you doing?

60. - Is it that obvious?

61. I was trying to weave it into the narrative.

62. - Adam, are you getting paid for this?

63. - Well, I know a guy, a local distributor.

64. We went to middle school together.

65. - Is the show getting paid for this?

66. - No.

67. I'll be honest, look, I don't get any money for this gig

68. and I need to try and cover my gas costs.

69. - So you're doing product integration for this show?

70. And you're keeping the money?

71. - I'll be honest, it wasn't very well thought out.

72. They gave me a carton of new Dan-D ripple chips.

73. Apparently they're good for dipping, I don't know.

74. - Annie, can you get my Louisville slugger for me please?

75. - Oh Norm.

76. - Now the Louisville Slugger.

77. It's an American tradition.

78. Quality, craftsmanship, and pride.

79. You can find them all, when a sporting good

80. bears the name Louisville Slugger.

81. - Oh God!

82. - See I care enough - Ugh!

83. - to use a brand name. - Ooof!

84. - That's right Dan-D.

85. Why don't you just say Brand X, you bum?

86. - It's called authenticity.

87. Why, you're not worth a bent penny,

88. you damn drunkard.

89. - We'll be back with Roseanne.

90. - You know what they say,

91. if you both make it this far, you've won,

92. and that's completely bull.

93. - She is an Emmy and Golden Globe winning actress,

94. comedian, writer, producer, director,

95. hit show Roseanne, ran for nine seasons,

96. followed by your talk show, the Roseanne Show

97. has been nominated for the Peace and Freedom Party.

98. She's placed sixth in the 2012.

99. She is now judge on The Last Comic Standing,

100. Thursday nights on NBC and her new series, Momsters.

101. - Yeah, on the ID Channel.

102. - Premieres on the ID Channel.

103. - Yeah, all murder all the time,

104. I love that channel.

105. - The indomitable Roseanne.

106. Hey, you were always like,

107. I remember you always liked serial killers.

108. - Oh yeah, uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

109. - Oh yeah, I know everything about all that.

110. - I gotta tell you a story, Roseanne.

111. - The things you say, I'm like, I did what?

112. - This happened.

113. It's just going to trial now in Canada.

114. But it's a tremendously big story in Canada.

115. What this guy did is he killed his gay lover.

116. On video, he killed him, online, streaming online.

117. He killed him. - I think I heard

118. - Of that. - bound him up,

119. and ate him, while he was still living.

120. And you heard the throes of the person's, of the lover's,

121. you know this, this was his soul mate for life

122. and now he's feasting on his viscera.

123. He would scream this death rattle,

124. which made the guy hungrier and he ate more.

125. Like this and everything.

126. And then he cut, I mean this guy was a real jerk.

127. - Yeah, that ain't right.

128. - That's not right, not at all, no.

129. - I remember reading about it,

130. I don't think I read that he ate him alive.

131. - Oh ate him alive. - There's a lot of

132. crazy people like that,

133. that are like cannibals and stuff.

134. - Yeah, yeah. - You'd be

135. - Surprised. - There was a guy

136. in Germany that put an ad in the paper—

137. - I saw that, too.

138. - Oh yeah, I read that. - And people

139. answered the ad

140. and he got off. - Yeah answered the ad.

141. - Yeah. - He got off,

142. because he wanted me to kill him.

143. - It was consensual sex and eating.

144. - Cannibalism.

145. - That's just eating to eat.

146. - Yeah, that's way beyond obsessive compulsive.

147. Jenny Craig crap.

148. She can't correct that shit.

149. - Do you remember when you were on Roseanne and you—

150. - No, no.

151. - You had some weight loss thing

152. and you just said, "fuck it,"

153. I'll keep the money.

154. - No, I didn't say fuck it, I'll keep the money.

155. - No, but to yourself, you were like,

156. "Fuck it, I'll keep the money."

157. And if they say anything - I didn't say

158. that to myself.

159. - Or to me or to somebody.

160. - I did?

161. You said, yeah, that's what you told yourself,

162. "Fuck it man, I'm keeping the money,"

163. and if they come after me,

164. I'll just say the product doesn't work.

165. - That's brilliant. - I did?

166. - I think so.

167. Remember Roseanne?

168. - Yeah, I kind of remember that.

169. - That was fucking awesome.

170. - Wasn't that fucking awesome?

171. - That was the greatest.

172. Roseanne gave me a job.

173. - Yeah. - Yeah.

174. - The first person because back then

175. you could only be a writer if you went to Harvard.

176. - Harvard, right, exactly.

177. - And you know when I first

178. went in that room - Are you taking

179. your pants off? - No, no, girl.

180. - When I first went to Harvard.

181. When I first went that writer's room—

182. - You didn't go to Harvard.

183. - I mean when I first went to that writer's room,

184. no, I never got past high school.

185. But when I first went to that writer's room,

186. I was so afraid because Harvard,

187. and then they're just a bunch of idiots.

188. - Yeah, well.

189. - I mean, they're not funny.

190. - No. - Maybe they're smart,

191. I don't know.

192. - Well, they needed comics around them

193. to get them going.

194. - Yes.

195. - Mostly, I guess when you go to Harvard,

196. it kind of, oh, I shouldn't say all these horrible things,

197. but it's kind of fun.

198. Well, I guess it sort of rots out your brain

199. or something and kills all your creative instincts

200. when you go to Harvard.

201. - Yeah.

202. - And then, it's like,

203. you can only regurgitate shit you've already seen

204. 300 times on other shows.

205. I guess. - Oh yes!

206. - But it could be the Prozac, I'm not sure, but—

207. - No, no that's true

208. because I one time had a TV show

209. and then a guy told me, "oh yeah, they did that on Friends."

210. I was like what?

211. I stole an entire episode from Friends?

212. The guy's like, "Yeah."

213. I didn't know that.

214. - They do that because they don't have lives or anything.

215. And all they do is sit and watch TV for shit to steal.

216. - And people don't realize like

217. there's only a couple good shows.

218. There's nobody that only writes on Roseanne.

219. They came from, they worked on Dinosaurs for one season,

220. and then over to Small Wonder,

221. and then made their way to Roseanne.

222. - Yeah, they go in that circuit.

223. - Yeah, and they only know one way to do things.

224. - Right.

225. - Because this is my memory of Roseanne

226. is that they would write the script.

227. You would say it's no good.

228. - Sometimes.

229. - Sometimes, but mostly what I learned from you

230. from writing, there's too many jokes.

231. There's too many jokes.

232. That's what you'd say, too many fucking jokes.

233. And then the writers, "Oh, we like our jokes."

234. But then they'd take out the jokes

235. and then the episode would be a big hit.

236. And then the next week the same thing again.

237. - Yes.

238. - They forgot that you were right.

239. - And the jokes, they weren't just jokes.

240. They were jokes you'd heard 900 times.

241. I mean whenever I heard a good, original joke,

242. I'd keep it, fuck the plot.

243. - Right, right, right.

244. - Fuck the humanity.

245. - Get the joke.

246. - Right?

247. If it was great.

248. - Sure.

249. - Sometimes of course it was great,

250. but you know, if it was like just nothing new,

251. you didn't need it.

252. - One time I had a director come up to me

253. and I wanted to do it one way

254. and he wanted to do it the other way.

255. This was his way of reassuring me.

256. He goes, "Just do it my way, I've seen it work 1000 times."

257. - That's great.

258. - He was the same guy, he told me,

259. I wanted Burt Reynolds on the show,

260. and he was like, "You don't want him, he's crazy."

261. And I'm like, "No, I don't want you, I want him."

262. You know I kinda wanted a crazy guy,

263. which is what I wanted to talk to you a little

264. bit about.

265. - Oh yeah, Burt Reynolds, he is crazy.

266. - Was this notion of crazy.

267. - Burt Reynolds. - But he's funny.

268. - I remember one time he caught his hair on fire

269. when we was over—

270. - On the lot.

271. - Yeah, he was making, he came over

272. and he had caught his hair on fire.

273. I don't know how.

274. We're like, "Oh, you better go to the doctor.

275. "You've got a big frickin' hole in your scalp."

276. - Because Roseanne's show was on the Radford

277. along with Seinfeld and Evening Shade.

278. - Evening Shade, yeah.

279. - I remember hearing a story, all these stories about Burt.

280. And he would go on his hiatus.

281. He'd go away and hire people for the show.

282. And then people would show up, quit their job,

283. you know, in whatever bar he just found them in.

284. - Haha, that's great!

285. - A guy would go, "We're ready to work,"

286. and he'd go, "What?" And they'd just pay him off.

287. And the guy'd have to go home.

288. But can you imagine that?

289. Like you're in your little town and Burt Reynolds

290. shows up at your candy store

291. and offers you a job?

292. - That's kind of, what was he thinking?

293. - I don't know but I think he had some,

294. you were talking about you had OCD,

295. he must have had some crazy stuff.

296. - Some multiple letters. - What is OCD?

297. What is OCD?

298. - OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

299. Your head just goes around and around and around

300. and you can't get out of this circle.

301. It's like you've got to do things over and over and over.

302. You try to change things and control things.

303. - Control, right?

304. - Micro-manage everything and it all just fucking

305. goes wrong and blows up on you.

306. - But you never used to have that.

307. - Oh, are you kidding?

308. I was born with something.

309. Something all goofy.

310. - Yeah?

311. - Yeah, my whole family's all over.

312. - I got here on the cheat sheet.

313. - Cheat sheet.

314. - Yeah, it's a cheat sheet.

315. - Those are your notes.

316. - But it says somewhere in here,

317. some fucking thing, about that you went

318. to a mental institution.

319. - Several, not just one.

320. - More than once?

321. - Hell, yeah.

322. Yeah, baby.

323. - And there was crazy people there?

324. - Yeah.

325. And I was one of them.

326. - But how do you deal with the other crazy people?

327. Not crazy but what do you call them?

328. - Mental health survivors is what we say now.

329. But, you know, people that have like another reality.

330. And, you know, some of them are dangerous

331. and some of them are freaky

332. and some of them are genius.

333. So, you know, just try to

334. live through it but they've got good therapists

335. that can help you get your shit straight.

336. Losing touch with reality sometimes.

337. - My brother is a para-schizophrenic.

338. - Oh, that's the worst one.

339. - Yeah, it's bad.

340. - That's too bad.

341. Is he on medication?

342. - Oh, sure.

343. - Is he okay, or?

344. - The medication's a lot better than it used to be.

345. - Yeah.

346. - Yup.

347. - Is he all right?

348. - Well, yeah, he's okay.

349. - Functional?

350. - He's functional.

351. - That's good. - He doesn't work

352. but he lives in like a home

353. with four other people.

354. - That's a tough one, man.

355. - Yeah, it's just an unfortunate that you have

356. a chemical splash in your brain and it changes

357. your whole life forever.

358. - That's right, yeah.

359. They say, chicken or egg which came first

360. but schizophrenia I think you're born with.

361. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

362. You can't explain that one away.

363. - Yeah, that's a terrifying one.

364. And if you get the diagnosis of schizophrenia,

365. that's going to be bad for you.

366. As you probably know.

367. They experiment on ya.

368. - I wouldn't get it at my age.

369. - No, I mean your brother.

370. You know they do all those crazy experiments on you.

371. - Yes, they do.

372. Yeah.

373. So what were you in for?

374. - Well, the first time I went in, I was real young.

375. I got hit by a car and I got a catastrophic head injury,

376. a concussion which I always follow about all these

377. football players, you know getting all these concussions

378. and what can result.

379. You get your head knocked in and, you know,

380. it does effect you maybe forever.

381. I got the hood ornament went in my brain, my head.

382. Went right through my skull. - Jesus.

383. What?

384. - Yeah, I was in a coma and all this stuff.

385. - What was the shape of the hood ornament?

386. - You know, I think it was one of those ladies.

387. Remember they had those like.

388. - Like Rolls Royce?

389. - No, it was.

390. - Jesus, why do you think she got hit?

391. - Not a Rolls Royce.

392. It was Utah, it was like a Ford.

393. - This guy comes from money.

394. - You can't think less than—

395. - I wish I would have got hit by a Rolls Royce—

396. - Right.

397. - Because I would have really been able to sue that bitch

398. but this one had no money at all.

399. So she dragged me under the wheels and I—

400. - Oh my gosh.

401. - It was catastrophic and I had trouble

402. healing from it for about 10 years.

403. - Mentally?

404. - Yeah, still some things are gone.

405. - How old were you?

406. - 15 or 16.

407. - This was in Utah.

408. - Now an idiot would ask you, now did that help your comedy?

409. I didn't want him to go.

410. - That was my next question, but—

411. - The weird thing it did was mess me up for math

412. because I was like an A math student

413. and I could never do the numbers for a really long time.

414. I had trouble with conception of numbers

415. but then later on, it came back and it came back

416. fierce like this craving for numbers thing,

417. you know, like we were talking about.

418. You change a lot when you have a head injury

419. so I sort of became somebody different

420. that they hadn't seen yet.

421. Then they were like, "Uh-oh."

422. - So you felt different?

423. - Yeah, I was.

424. - You felt different.

425. - I was real a nice girl until I got hit.

426. My mother still says, "You were so nice

427. "until you got run over by that car."

428. - What does she mean by, "nice"?

429. - Well, I was a nice girl.

430. You know.

431. - Do you mean in the old sense of like sexually?

432. - Well, yeah, I was all that but I guess she means

433. because she had a job and I raised her kids

434. and cleaned the house and made dinner every night

435. so that was "nice."

436. I was a mom since I was about six.

437. - Why wouldn't she do it?

438. Booze?

439. - Well, she had to work.

440. - Oh, I see.

441. - Her and my dad, they both worked.

442. - And then what?

443. Then you just became a hellcat.

444. - 16 I'm like, come out of the coma.

445. I was pretty Mormon-ish.

446. - You were in a coma!

447. - Yeah.

448. - Jesus.

449. - Came out of there I guess about two weeks later

450. and I'm like, "Get me a fucking cigarette."

451. It was like that.

452. Woke up different.

453. - A different person.

454. - Yeah, I just wanted to smoke.

455. I wanted to get a cigarette real bad.

456. And I did got the cigarettes.

457. - Wait, you'd never smoked before?

458. - No, I'd never done anything.

459. - And that was the first thing you knew that cigarettes—

460. - Right there.

461. Then I got the marijuana.

462. I wanted that too.

463. Then I did all the rest of it.

464. - How long after you came out of the coma

465. did you run off to Colorado?

466. - Colorado, what the fuck are you talking about?

467. - Well, that's what I read.

468. - Yeah, that's true.

469. - He read a whole thing on you.

470. I didn't read nothing.

471. - You don't need to.

472. - I don't know nothing.

473. - You don't need to know nothing.

474. - What were you going to find out?

475. - Hey, I smoked when I was in high school.

476. Nobody liked me and so, I was so shy.

477. Like people say they were shy but I couldn't talk

478. to nobody.

479. So anyways, I said, "I'll become a smoker,"

480. because there weren't that many smokers.

481. So I went to the store and I got a whole pack of cigarettes

482. and I went behind the store and I smoked

483. the whole fucking pack.

484. - Ew, in one day?

485. - I got sick and everything.

486. - Oh God.

487. - But not only could I become a smoker,

488. I became a chain smoker instantly.

489. And then it worked.

490. Everyone liked me.

491. Like at school because I was smoking

492. and then the teacher'd be mad at me

493. but everybody's like, "Fuckin' Norm's cool.

494. "He smokes cigarettes."

495. I still miss cigarettes.

496. - I miss them too.

497. - You don't smoke do ya?

498. - No.

499. - That's the thing I miss the most.

500. - But I miss them.

501. - Goddamn those are good.

502. - Aren't they great?

503. - You know what I like about them

504. is you can do nothing but it seems

505. like you're doing something.

506. You know what I mean?

507. You can't just sit on a chair.

508. But you can sit on a chair, smoke a dozen cigarettes.

509. - Well, plus, when you're smoking

510. something happens that you're thinking,

511. oops, my arm flew off.

512. It seems like you're more creative.

513. You're sitting there and doing this or something.

514. Something in it is like, you just have more

515. creative thoughts.

516. - You do need stuff to be creative,

517. there's no question about it.

518. Whether it's drugs or alcohol, something.

519. - I'm glad to hear you say that, Norm.

520. - You think so too?

521. - I do, yeah.

522. You've got to have a vice

523. because you're going to have this thing

524. that you're feeding the negative thing

525. and it brings up the other thing.

526. - That makes sense.

527. - Also, it takes away all the other fucking

528. you know, pedestrian thoughts

529. about getting dinner together

530. and "Oh, I have to have a shower,"

531. and then you're filthy malnutritioned guy

532. but you've got ideas.

533. - Right, right, exactly.

534. So true, so crazy.

535. - But on my cheat sheet it said you practice kabbalah.

536. - Yeah, I meditate.

537. - Pardon me?

538. - It's meditation.

539. - That's what I want to learn how to do.

540. - Oh, I'll teach ya if you want.

541. - You will really?

542. - Yeah, it's fun and easy and it's awesome.

543. It's like, ooh, this is some powerful shit.

544. - Yeah.

545. - Meditation's kind of a drug, I've read.

546. I don't know if it's true.

547. - It kind of is.

548. It changes your state of mind

549. but it's good.

550. - Can you meditate while you're on a bunch of drugs?

551. - Oh hell, it's even more fun.

552. - Okay, excellent.

553. - Pot is good to meditate.

554. - Yeah?

555. - Yeah.

556. - My friend Billy Joe Shaver he calls that

557. a lazy man's drug.

558. - Why?

559. - Well, Billy Joe, man, he'll do anything.

560. - Oh, drug wise?

561. - Yeah.

562. 75 year old man.

563. Shot a guy in the head two years ago.

564. He's an outlaw.

565. I'm going to get his music.

566. You're going to like him.

567. - Oh, shoot, yeah.

568. - You know he wrote all Wayland's songs.

569. - Oh really?

570. - Willie song, some of that, yeah.

571. - I'd love to read about him.

572. - Why'd he shoot the guy again?

573. He shot the guy for mixing his beer,

574. he put his finger in his beer, something like that?

575. - Oh shit.

576. - I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

577. That's all it takes to be a sidekick.

578. I asked him to be my sidekick.

579. He's like, "I don't have those powers."

580. I'm like, "Not a psychic you retard.

581. "I want you to be a sidekick."

582. "I don't have the gift."

583. Whatever.

584. Hey, so this is a question from the Twitterverse.

585. Have you and Madonna ever discussed kabbalah?

586. - I have been with her when it's discussed and stuff.

587. But my best Madonna story is, because I'm afraid,

588. I'm like you, I don't know what in the fuck

589. you're supposed to say to people.

590. And I'm like.

591. - Like parties are difficult for you and stuff?

592. - Yeah.

593. So I was like, "I'm not going to, what am I going

594. "to do when I show up," so I don't.

595. But then I was like, I got on, I don't remember why

596. but I'm like, "I'm going to this fucking party,

597. "dammit, I'm going to go to this goddamn party."

598. Because it was at Madonna's.

599. And I thought I'm going to be like other people

600. and talk to other people and stuff.

601. You know, because you have panic and stuff.

602. So then I get there and whatever—

603. - You know what's good for that?

604. A fistful of Xanax.

605. - That's what people say.

606. That's one I haven't tried yet.

607. I haven't tried that.

608. So I got there and whatever and whathaveyou

609. and it goes on and on and she came down

610. and I didn't know what to say so I just

611. went out and danced with her on the dance floor.

612. - You danced with Madonna?

613. - And it was so fun.

614. - I'll bet! - It was one of the funnest

615. nights of my life and her kid was there.

616. He's a great dancer, the little boy.

617. - Oh right. - I just danced with her

618. for hours and it was a frickin' blast.

619. So there was not a lot of talking

620. but there was a lot of.

621. It was fun so I like her.

622. I admire her.

623. - I remember one time you were at a party,

624. it was your birthday party and I remember

625. because I did the stand up for it—

626. - I know because I hired you to do stand up.

627. You and the other genius, why can't I remember,

628. Todd Rundgren and Brian Wilson.

629. - Brian Wilson, this is what I wanted to ask you.

630. Here's some Xanax.

631. - Really?

632. How many should I take?

633. - Well, they get you very sleepy.

634. - I better take only a half.

635. - Oh right now?

636. Just take a half.

637. - Okay.

638. - What concerned me at the party was

639. that who was there other than Brian Wilson

640. but Tom Arnold.

641. - That was an experience

642. that I have blocked.

643. I don't even remember it.

644. I'm like, "Huh?"

645. - Tom.

646. All I remember is one time there's some story

647. in the Enquirer because all those stories

648. and you go, "I'm going to find out which one,

649. "who planted this story."

650. - I know, that's a good one, huh?

651. - And who ended up?

652. You did a thorough search because you knew—

653. - I paid a guy $60,000 for a private detective.

654. We're sitting there.

655. This is like crazy.

656. This is how it was.

657. And we're sitting there

658. and Tom's next to me and he goes.

659. "This is going to be so great that we're going

660. "to find out who's done this."

661. And the guy, I go, "So who's the leak?"

662. Because also, you know, when you got someone

663. that all the time is everybody you see you're like

664. "I wonder if it's him."

665. - Yeah, you suspect them.

666. - It's just like you're totally isolated

667. thinking everybody's the person.

668. - That's a terrible feeling.

669. - And the guy he looks like you, Norm.

670. He's all calm and he goes,

671. "Well, we found out who the leak was,"

672. and he smiles and everything.

673. I'm like, "Good, who was it?"

674. He goes, "It's your husband."

675. And I look over and he's just like no emotion.

676. He's just like.

677. It's like, "What?"

678. And then he says, "This guy doesn't want us to be together."

679. - The private investigator.

680. - No, that's what Tom said.

681. "Sorry you paid."

682. He goes, "No, we have the proof.

683. "We have the proof right here.

684. "Here it is."

685. Now what in the fuck am I going to do?

686. So I was like, "I got to get out.

687. "I think I got to get out of this marriage."

688. - And what would Tom have gotten out of that?

689. A couple of hundred bucks, probably.

690. - I have no idea but then I found out

691. he had done it a lot, I guess.

692. He had, I don't know what his, I don't even know—

693. - But he probably made less than half an empire.

694. - I don't know what the fuck.

695. I don't even know who he is or nothing.

696. It was three years of like.

697. - I know he shakes his leg a lot.

698. Did he ever get you nervous by like, "Hey, Rosie."

699. - Yeah, he did make me nervous.

700. I don't know.

701. I liked him because he was another comic

702. and he used to open for me

703. and write good jokes and we had a fun time with that.

704. - You know who you should have married?

705. - Who?

706. - Sid Youngers.

707. - I know, right?

708. - We'll be back with Roseanne after the Xanax kicks in.

709. Roseanne under the influence.

710. You were going to say a story about Tom when he was asleep?

711. - Yeah, I wasn't the nicest person either.

712. I wanted to say.

713. He wasn't like alone.

714. - Sure.

715. - Yeah, I hated him pretty bad

716. after we were married for a month or so.

717. - One month itch.

718. - It's about the second year.

719. I'm like, "What am I going to do?"

720. You know, I wasn't in good mental states

721. for some reason and anyway—

722. - You had a lot of money you could afford

723. like instruments, striking instruments?

724. - I always imagined hitting him with things

725. while he was asleep.

726. And, you know, that's when the math came back actually

727. because I was like really good on trajectory.

728. I was like arch and I could follow it all the way in

729. like a basketball.

730. I thought in my head a lot about,

731. "I can take this and smash it right,"

732. but I won't.

733. - You'd figure it all out.

734. - Well, I'd think about it

735. but I wouldn't do it. - Like the way

736. a cat does when he's ready to jump.

737. - Yeah.

738. This one time I was like, "I might as well see

739. "if I've got the aim."

740. I had a lucite encased baseball,

741. a baseball encased in lucite

742. and I was standing there in the hall

743. and I remember he was asleep

744. and I'm like, "I want to put this two inches

745. "above the left side."

746. I wanted to fucking do it.

747. And, by God, if I didn't hit him with accurate.

748. It was like from here to there.

749. Complete accuracy.

750. - Wow.

751. - It was this way so two inches above the left side.

752. It was pretty good.

753. That's when my math skills came back.

754. He woke up, "What the fuck?"

755. - That's pretty impressive.

756. - After, I'm like, "Shit, you could have really

757. "hurt or killed or something, you shouldn't.

758. "Don't do that again."

759. - You said that to yourself.

760. - Yeah, of course to myself.

761. So I never did it again but boy that one time.

762. That's what, my son plays basketball

763. and I was able to teach my son about trajectory.

764. - About the arc.

765. - The arc and the trajectory in the game.

766. - I remember when I was young, my kid,

767. he told me, my brother he's only two years older than me

768. but I thought he was like a god or something.

769. I believed everything he said even though he was nine.

770. So he tells me you can shoot a squirrel's eye out

771. at 90 feet, you know, with a gun, a rifle, a 22.

772. So he puts a cigarette in my mouth,

773. he goes I'll shoot the cigarette.

774. - No!

775. - Yeah. - Oh shit.

776. - So he's about 20 feet away from me.

777. He's going to shoot the cigarette.

778. Not only shoot the cigarette out

779. but shoot the ember out and he just shoots

780. and it missed me by like eight feet.

781. So he easily could have shot me in the head.

782. - That is a good,

783. don't try this at home.

784. - Questions from the Twitterverse

785. which I'm now realizing all suck.

786. - Twitter kind of sucks any more.

787. - You know when Larry King has a show he goes,

788. "Let's get a question from the audience,"

789. and then it would always suck.

790. It would be much better, Larry King specials

791. would be much better.

792. But here's what I heard Larry King say one time.

793. This woman had lost her child for some reason.

794. Dead, you know.

795. And then Larry King said, "Paul Newman told me

796. "you never get over it."

797. Like a psychopath question.

798. - I had all my kids on Larry King one time

799. and I had my little boy, Buck, he was about seven then.

800. - It was one of those ones where it's a bunch of chairs.

801. - All five of my kids.

802. - On set?

803. - Yeah, getting interviewed there.

804. And he asked to talk to everybody

805. and then he looks at my little boy and he goes,

806. "So who's your mom?"

807. - Well he said he never researches.

808. - He doesn't do any research.

809. - He goes, my kid goes, "Mom?"

810. - When he was here he was sitting in the chair

811. you're sitting in and I asked him,

812. "What do you think about most of the time now

813. "you don't have a show any more?"

814. He goes, "Death!"

815. It's like, good God, trying to do

816. a little breezy conversation.

817. And then he's like, "I don't believe there's

818. "anything afterwards either.

819. "Just dirt, you're smothered in it."

820. I'm like, "Oh God, easy."

821. And he looks like he's been already dead 10 years.

822. He looks so much older than he does, doesn't he?

823. - I know, we saw him in Hawaii

824. and we were like, "Jesus Christ."

825. It's like, I don't know, like a gargoyle.

826. But then the next month or so, remember?

827. I went to do a show and he looked good.

828. I guess the put makeup on him, obviously.

829. - They get the people that work over at Madame Tussaud's.

830. But then he lights up, of course.

831. It's like those performers like Rickles.

832. Then all of a sudden he's on stage.

833. So that's the great thing, I guess.

834. You ever had that?

835. You're going to return to stand up, you're telling me.

836. You're planning it, right?

837. - Yeah, if I ever get my shit together.

838. I'm thinking about it.

839. I like going and doing 10 on somebody else's thing.

840. The pressure is, I'm not real good at pressure no more.

841. - Plus, I always feel like an hour's too long.

842. I get up there and it's like 90 minutes or something.

843. What?

844. People don't even want to watch a movie that long.

845. - Yeah, it's hard.

846. I did Vegas for I guess five months a couple years back.

847. So I could learn my hour because it took me

848. five months to learn it.

849. - Yeah, sure.

850. - I used to, you know, you remember from Roseanne.

851. I just looked once and I'd know.

852. But your memory does go.

853. - Isn't that funny?

854. - I have a good hour and sometime I think,

855. "Christ, I'm going to go out."

856. Especially on the Last Comic Standing seeing it all.

857. It makes you get, you know—

858. - Well, you want to see yourself on the Tonight Show?

859. - Okay, you got it?

860. - I don't know.

861. It's supposed to be right there.

862. - I don't care.

863. - So I'm fat I said

864. - Oh Goddamn.

865. - I love this joke.

866. - Have you ever noticed that fat people

867. don't think like skinny people?

868. We have our own way of thinking.

869. Like, did you ever ask a fat person for directions?

870. Because that is when the difference in thinking

871. really shows, you know.

872. Because you go up to them on the street

873. and ask them where something is

874. and they tell you like this,

875. "Well, go down here to Arby's."

876. - I'm still doing that joke 40 years later.

877. They were nice to me.

878. - And go right past Wendy's,

879. McDonald's, Burger King, it's that

880. chocolate brown building down there.

881. - There's the joke.

882. The chocolate brown building.

883. That's the funny part.

884. Don't you think?

885. - I think that's the payoff part.

886. - You had a pretty quick rise.

887. So from when you moved to L.A.

888. And did the—

889. - Tell him your most famous joke.

890. That people say you're too masculine sometimes.

891. - Oh, that one.

892. Well, that was my killer joke.

893. That was my ender, closer.

894. People say, "You're not very feminine."

895. I say, "Suck my dick."

896. That's my closer.

897. - A hell of a closer.

898. - So you came to stand up.

899. You already had life experience.

900. - Yeah, I was like 29.

901. - Oh, wow.

902. - Yeah, older than the kids nowadays.

903. You know it's like nowadays it's like very handsome

904. or very pretty people and often they'll start

905. when they're 18 or something like that.

906. - Yeah, they start early.

907. - And it's kind of a, it's funny in its own way

908. but there's no real authenticity or life experience

909. to it, don't you find?

910. It's kind of surface?

911. - It's like observational commentary like.

912. And then I love, it's always not about them.

913. - Right, exactly.

914. - The best comedy where it's like,

915. we always say this on Last Comic Standing,

916. because I get to sit there next to Keenan Ivory Wayans,

917. that guy's a frickin' genius.

918. And, you know, I just love hearing

919. where he's going to go with it

920. because he's got in depth analysis of stand up

921. but I like to watch it and I'll go,

922. I'll think those things but he's,

923. he's like King Solomon or something.

924. I forgot what we're talking about.

925. - You were saying that you need you're own—

926. - It's bringing the pain.

927. It's like comedy is about, oh God, feel the pain

928. and we're going to get rid of it.

929. We're going to laugh it away.

930. So a lot of them aren't doing that

931. so it's like about that deep.

932. And, you know, I like the—

933. - What about guys that do political,

934. that's not very good, is it?

935. - Sometimes it is.

936. - Political stuff?

937. - I like all comedy.

938. You probably do too, Norm.

939. - Huh?

940. - You probably like it all too.

941. - I don't like political comedy that much.

942. - You don't?

943. - Like I don't give a fuck if Reagan's old.

944. Are they still doing it with Reagan jokes?

945. - Probably.

946. They probably are.

947. Yeah, you got to have a, you get an old socialist

948. audience, old Jewish guys with ponytails

949. when you do material like that.

950. - I read here, though, on Last Comic Standing

951. they're going to, here on my cheat sheet,

952. they said that they're going to broaden from,

953. they're going to have to panel on a talk show.

954. - Yeah, they're doing all that.

955. - Appear in a sitcom. - They go

956. to a roast.

957. - Or a roast. - They go do a roast.

958. I think this week they're doing a roast

959. and they also have to go on a tour at Universal

960. and do the—

961. - Oh good God.

962. That'd be hard.

963. - That'd be hard.

964. - You ever seen them guys, the fellers

965. that do street performing?

966. - Yeah, those are the best ones.

967. - They're amazing.

968. - Yeah, aren't they?

969. - I don't know how they do that.

970. There was a Black guy.

971. It's always a Black guy.

972. - It is.

973. - In Venice Beach he'd do it

974. and then there was a famous guy in New York

975. that Chappelle used to worship, Ray—

976. What was the name?

977. - Charlie Barnett.

978. - Charlie Barnett.

979. - Everybody worships Charlie Barnett, yeah.

980. - So Charlie Barnett would just walk around

981. Washington—

982. - Washington Square Park.

983. - Square Park, and you know, have to bring

984. the audience to him.

985. It ain't easy, you know.

986. When you're ravaged with AIDS.

987. - Did he have AIDS?

988. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

989. It really hurt his career.

990. - Yeah, that would do it.

991. - God.

992. - Magic Johnson gets it and—

993. - Well, he's got, I don't know what he's on.

994. - I hear he drinks a cocktail.

995. - He's got like, you know.

996. I mean, a lot of people have lived with it

997. for a long time and you can be sure he's got the best

998. drugs that they can get.

999. - That he can get and he's healthy.

1000. He's more healthy than me.

1001. - It doesn't always go to AIDS.

1002. - But then guys in Africa,

1003. are there starving children in the world?

1004. - Yeah, hell yeah.

1005. - Then why don't we just take all our money and feed them?

1006. - That's what I fucking wonder.

1007. Because we're idiots.

1008. - Shouldn't that be the biggest problem in the world?

1009. - We can't solve a fucking problem

1010. to save our goddamn life from the smallest fucking thing

1011. to anything on earth.

1012. - If you were president, wouldn't you say,

1013. "Starving children," that's the number one thing.

1014. - That's right.

1015. That's what I said in my campaign.

1016. That's the first thing. - Is it really?

1017. - We're going to figure out how

1018. to get that food to the hungry.

1019. Let's do something fucking useful for once.

1020. - Exactly.

1021. - Instead of learning how to blow people up and all

1022. the rest of that bullshit. - Good Christ.

1023. - Are you going to run again?

1024. - Probably.

1025. - Like they say, man does not live

1026. by bread alone but that implies

1027. first you need bread.

1028. And then you can get your,

1029. see what I mean?

1030. - I can go there, yeah.

1031. - You got to have food for God sakes before anything else.

1032. - Yeah, right, you do.

1033. Food, shelter, clothing, you know, TV.

1034. Drugs.

1035. - Sometimes they would pick TV, I think I feel over the—

1036. - Do you love TV?

1037. - No.

1038. Because now I got the YouTubes.

1039. - Oh, the Youtubes, yeah.

1040. - But it's the same thing, I guess.

1041. I don't watch Last Comic Standing.

1042. I just watch you on YouTube on Last Comic Standing.

1043. I just like hearing you talk.

1044. - I better be funnier.

1045. People are like, "Can't you be meaner?"

1046. - Did they tell you not to be as mean?

1047. - No, they tell me to be meaner.

1048. - Well, early though you told that guy to fuck off.

1049. - Well, he was a fucking dick and he needed to be told.

1050. He kept on getting in my face as if...

1051. - No respect.

1052. - No, but I'm so used to that working around Hollywood

1053. people but this one is like, "You're not going

1054. "to come on my show and pull that shit, motherfucker."

1055. So, anyway.

1056. Also, I thought it'd get a laugh.

1057. - Well, of course.

1058. Did that hurt you?

1059. Because I've talked to Chappelle about being labeled

1060. as crazy, did that ever stall your, stop whatever

1061. you wanted to do in show business after the Roseanne show?

1062. - Yeah, yeah, I think it did.

1063. It hurt me a lot.

1064. You know, singing the Star Spangled Banner

1065. really hurt me a lot.

1066. - Yeah, that was crazy.

1067. - Yeah, it was a little crazy.

1068. I had no idea it was going to go like that too

1069. because I was like practiced, I thought it was

1070. going to go good.

1071. And the night before I had gone on Johnny Carson

1072. and I told him I was going to do it

1073. and he says to me, "Whatever you do,

1074. "don't start too high," he goes,

1075. "Robert Goulet, he screwed up bad

1076. "because he started too high.

1077. "Don't start too high."

1078. Whatever, I'm like, "Thanks, Johnny."

1079. - And you didn't, you ended high.

1080. - No, I started way too high.

1081. - You did?

1082. - And I was like, "Oh shit, there's no fucking way

1083. "I'm going to be able to hit that note."

1084. I was like I better stop and start over again

1085. but then I was like there's no music

1086. or anybody to go, "Cut."

1087. So I just had to keep going.

1088. I was like, "Oh my God."

1089. And they were fucking going crazy too.

1090. Because they thought, I tried to make it funny

1091. once I realized I wasn't going to be able

1092. to do it very well and I looked out there

1093. and there was all these guys like beer bottles

1094. like the frickin' fucking Taliban

1095. going like this, like that.

1096. It was the scariest frickin' thing.

1097. - Yeah, yeah.

1098. - Then after it was over, they go,

1099. "Do you want to back to your seat?"

1100. I'm like, "Um, no!"

1101. - You knew that it hadn't gone well.

1102. - I knew it wasn't going to go well like

1103. about six notes in and the panic went,

1104. "Oh fuck, what am I going to do?"

1105. I can't just walk off.

1106. So I'll try to make it funny.

1107. Now I watch it, a lot of young people

1108. my son's age are like, "That was hilarious.

1109. "We love it, that was so hilarious."

1110. I'm like, "Yeah, it was real fucking hilarious."

1111. - Whatever it is—

1112. - It was hilarious to have to have police

1113. on my roof with rifles.

1114. It was real fucking hilarious.

1115. - Well, they take those things very seriously.

1116. I remember when I was very young,

1117. Jose Feliciano did sort of a modern attempt

1118. at the Star Bangled Banner and got in a lot

1119. of trouble for it and nowadays they'll do it all the time.

1120. - Well, you don't want to do that.

1121. You don't want to sing.

1122. - Hey, you want to do some jokes, Roseanne?

1123. I have jokes.

1124. - We have to take one more break before—

1125. - No, we're not going to take a break.

1126. - Fuck the break.

1127. - We're just going to do jokes.

1128. And who better than Roseanne?

1129. - I can't think of anyone.

1130. - I can't remember any of them.

1131. - Hey, Roseanne, how's your cybereye?

1132. - It's weird, I had to get a eye replacement

1133. and it's like really, really weird.

1134. - Which eye?

1135. - It's this one and if you look in

1136. you can see that there's like a fucking

1137. $6 million man kind of cyborg deal in there.

1138. - Looks cool.

1139. - It is, I mean I can see.

1140. But, like, sometimes it starts blinking

1141. and it just goes off on its own,

1142. has its own life.

1143. - What if you put like a snow globe in there

1144. or something like that?

1145. - That would be good.

1146. I'm thinking to wear a patch.

1147. - Oh, that'd be cool.

1148. - Like a pirate patch.

1149. - A patch would be awesome.

1150. - Wouldn't it?

1151. - Oh my God, I hurt my eye when I was young

1152. and they were going to give me a patch

1153. and I was so excited and then it was a pink patch

1154. with a punch of holes in it to get the air in.

1155. - Oh, that's not cool.

1156. - Yeah.

1157. - What's the point of that?

1158. - I would get the scorn of pirates at school.

1159. So here's a joke to read.

1160. This is the only show where we actually give jokes.

1161. - Okay, what am I doing?

1162. - You just read.

1163. You can read it to the camera.

1164. You can read it first and then see and then nix it.

1165. - This is a long fucking joke.

1166. - It's a long joke.

1167. - I'll do it, though.

1168. - I think it might work.

1169. - Harriet Thompson, 91.

1170. Do you want me to read I to the camera?

1171. - No, you can just read it to me.

1172. - Finished running the Rock and Roll San Diego Marathon

1173. in just over seven hours becoming the oldest person

1174. to complete a marathon and setting a world record

1175. for the fastest time in her age group.

1176. - Goodness.

1177. - Right?

1178. The previous record was set by Mildred,

1179. I've already fucked this up.

1180. I got to start all over.

1181. The previous record was set by Mildred Kennelworth

1182. who died during mile one.

1183. - Oh goodness.

1184. So she crushed that record.

1185. - Is that true?

1186. - These are all jokes.

1187. Hey, what about this?

1188. Kim and Kanye celebrated their baby North West.

1189. His name's North West.

1190. His one year birthday by throwing a big party.

1191. What's that?

1192. - It's a her.

1193. - It's a girl.

1194. Yeah, North West, of course, I should have known

1195. by the name.

1196. But anyway, she had her one year birthday

1197. and they threw a big party with jugglers,

1198. a bouncy house, and a Ferris wheel.

1199. The bad news is that North West is a baby

1200. so it doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

1201. What about, this is all attitude.

1202. You have to say this with attitude

1203. so you have to read ahead

1204. and use your acting skills.

1205. I liked you in She-Devil.

1206. - Thank you.

1207. A study has found that men are just as likely

1208. as women to spread gossip.

1209. At least that's what I heard Rick tell Brad,

1210. who by the way has a crush on Patty.

1211. - Oh, does he?

1212. Hey, Madonna, your friend, says she's planning

1213. to remake the movie Casablanca.

1214. - Oh really?

1215. - Yeah, finally, somebody's going to get it right.

1216. - What about this one?

1217. - Is she really doing that?

1218. - Yeah, apparently.

1219. - Here's a really easy way to figure out

1220. if you're taking, huh?

1221. Talking to many meds.

1222. - Taking.

1223. - Here's a really easy way to figure out

1224. if you're taking too many meds,

1225. you refer to your medication as meds.

1226. - You have two and a half meds—

1227. - See it does say talking, though.

1228. - Oh Christ, I'm sorry.

1229. - That's all right.

1230. - You didn't make a mistake.

1231. The only thing certain in life

1232. are death, taxes, and getting caught

1233. whacking off in a Target dressing room.

1234. - Are these your tips?

1235. - I had to learn that the hard way.

1236. Here's one that's about your friend.

1237. - Hey, you're not going to believe this.

1238. But Bill Maher is giving away the solution

1239. to all our problems for free!

1240. He is, isn't he?

1241. - I like Bill Maher when all his problems

1242. are just his problems so it's like,

1243. "So why are there kids around all the time?

1244. "And why can't we smoke?

1245. "What about whores?"

1246. It's all just his stuff he wants.

1247. You know cat ladies, they're so crazy,

1248. they're always thought to be crazy?

1249. You know what's even crazier?

1250. Snake ladies.

1251. - Oh yeah, absolutely.

1252. - Let's give one to Adam Eget.

1253. Watch this.

1254. - Workers at a Harvard University Library

1255. have discovered a book—

1256. - Now she is the judge on

1257. Last Comic Standing. - Last Comic Standing.

1258. - So do your best.

1259. - You're going to really get a kick out of this one.

1260. Listen, so, workers at a Harvard University Library

1261. have discovered a book that's bound with human skin.

1262. - Ew.

1263. - Oh God Almighty. - I know, it's disgusting.

1264. Anyway, they were able to determine

1265. that part of the body the skin came from

1266. after the book was grabbed by a sexy librarian

1267. and immediately expanded to three times its size.

1268. You know what I mean?

1269. It's like three times.

1270. Three times it size.

1271. - Maybe if he didn't start it—

1272. - Does that mean it was made from a penis?

1273. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1274. - That's the funny part.

1275. - I get it.

1276. - But the premise brings up all kinds

1277. of shadows of the Holocaust and stuff.

1278. Good Lord how—

1279. - I don't really see how—

1280. - When Gwyneth Paltrow, what?

1281. When Gwyneth Paltrow says being a movie star

1282. is harder than working a nine to five job,

1283. apparently she said that, she knows

1284. because she spent years clearing heavy debris

1285. from demolition sites.

1286. Oh no, wait, this just in,

1287. Gwyneth Paltrow's never done shit.

1288. Here's a nice short joke for you.

1289. - Oh, great.

1290. I'm the Ray Allen of my local Applebee's

1291. because I'm always nailing three's.

1292. Oh, because I have sex with women who are...

1293. - You see what he does?

1294. He does that thing that new comics do

1295. where they do a bad joke and then they try

1296. to explain it as a way of saving it, you understand?

1297. - That is a funny part, though.

1298. The tap dance, you remember when Carson

1299. would start tap dancing?

1300. - Carson was the greatest at that.

1301. - At doing the death joke.

1302. - But...

1303. - I'm not even Carson Palmer of joke reading.

1304. - But you did do the back pedal thing.

1305. - Yeah, yeah, I do a lot of back pedaling.

1306. - But here's the thing.

1307. I'd see comics do this in clubs

1308. and they would do it like Letterman

1309. and Carson was the best at doing a saver.

1310. - Right.

1311. - But, you don't do that with your act

1312. because with Carson, someone would write the jokes

1313. for him so he would have to save them.

1314. But you don't put it in your act and then fucking

1315. do a saver every night.

1316. - Well, I couldn't wait to see that

1317. when he was saving a joke.

1318. - That is the greatest.

1319. - And then they'd go "Tea for Two,"

1320. and he'd start tap dancing.

1321. It was hilarious.

1322. I almost wanted him to die so he would do that.

1323. It was so funny.

1324. He could die great.

1325. Dying great is a real—

1326. - Oh, I thought you meant actually die.

1327. - No, on stage.

1328. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1329. - I mean, you know that's like skill.

1330. - Because he did die.

1331. - I know he died.

1332. - I love watching you, it's rare

1333. but when you fail on stage it's infinitely

1334. funnier to me. - It's hilarious.

1335. - Who?

1336. - You. - You, like I said

1337. it's rare.

1338. - Would you like to hear my impression

1339. of Johnny Carson phoning 9-1-1 when he had

1340. his fatal heart attack?

1341. - I would.

1342. - Okay.

1343. You be the 9-1-1 operator.

1344. - Okay, what, I just say hello?

1345. - Ring, ring.

1346. - Hello, 9-1-1.

1347. - Hello?

1348. - Can I help you, sir?

1349. - Yes, this is Johnny Carson.

1350. - Johnny Carson, from television?

1351. - Yes, that's right.

1352. - Hello Mr. Carson, what can I help you with?

1353. - I don't know, I feel like there's a yak on my chest.

1354. - He did have a lot of yak jokes.

1355. - A lot of yak jokes.

1356. Remember he did jokes about Euell Gibbons.

1357. - Oh yeah!

1358. Eating cardboard.

1359. - Yeah, eating cardboard.

1360. - And I didn't even know who he was when I was a kid

1361. but I just laughed.

1362. - I still don't, who's Euell Gibbons?

1363. - I think he did Grape Nuts cereal commercials.

1364. Now I have to explain to this fucking guy.

1365. - He was like about like roughage and organic roughage

1366. kind of guy. - Got it.

1367. I didn't even know Grape Nuts.

1368. I didn't know they had a commercial.

1369. - Shut up.

1370. For one fucking minute.

1371. I'm trying to talk to a legend of comedy

1372. and you're talking about.

1373. - Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

1374. I'm still trying to find out who Bill Boggs

1375. was from two episodes ago.

1376. - Bill Boggs, I remember that name.

1377. - Sure, Bill Boggs.

1378. - Comic, right?

1379. - Yeah.

1380. - I don't know if I met him but I've heard of him.

1381. - Did a show in New York and he was also

1382. the creator of the Morton Downy Junior show.

1383. - Oh my God, I loved that show!

1384. - That was a great show.

1385. - That's what I always called the Robert Downey, Junior

1386. I still call him Morton Downey, Junior.

1387. I loved that show, Morton—

1388. - Did you think they were related?

1389. - It was so stuck in my mind.

1390. That was such a great show.

1391. - He was an unsung pioneer.

1392. - Do you remember Joe Pine

1393. because that was what he reminded me of.

1394. - I remember the one that was Rebecca...

1395. - Oh yeah, Wally George.

1396. - Wally George, yeah.

1397. He was good too.

1398. - But Joe Pines was the first one.

1399. - Right.

1400. - I remember Morton Downey, Junior, though.

1401. What'll they do?

1402. He actually said this.

1403. "What are you talking about?

1404. "The guy shoved a corn cob up a young man's ass.

1405. "What are you talking about?"

1406. He was talking about William Gassey.

1407. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1408. - Oh, John Wayne.

1409. - John Wayne Gassey.

1410. - I can see the Xanax kicking in right now.

1411. - Yeah, it kind of is.

1412. - It's all right.

1413. It's kind of fun.

1414. - Flatlining.

1415. It is, it's relaxing.

1416. - John Wayne Gassey, man.

1417. Not my idea of a clown.

1418. - Not funny at all.

1419. That guy wasn't funny.

1420. I remember I was in—

1421. - Not even compared to this guy.

1422. - I remember I was in Italy when they executed him.

1423. I was on one of my vacations and they came on,

1424. "They killed," people were like,

1425. "That's not right that the United States

1426. "has capital punishment."

1427. I'm like, "Are you shitting me?"

1428. - Totally agree.

1429. 30 kids. - 50 kids.

1430. - Was it 50?

1431. - Something like that.

1432. - Let's not do the whole—

1433. - No, no, no, doing the numbers.

1434. - Are you anti-capital punishment or something?

1435. - No, I'm pro-capital punishment

1436. but this guy starts talking numbers and deaths.

1437. Be careful because it always gets back

1438. to the Holocaust deniers.

1439. - Well, I do this thing where it's like,

1440. you know that six degrees of separation.

1441. I'm Jewish.

1442. - Me too.

1443. - So I can take anything in six—

1444. - Hitler!

1445. - I can take anything in six steps back to the Holocaust,

1446. anything.

1447. - Anything?

1448. What about Julie Newmar?

1449. - Huh?

1450. - Julie Andrews.

1451. - Julie Andrews, well, she was in

1452. the Sound of Music. - Oh, that's so easy.

1453. That's only two.

1454. - What about this joke?

1455. - Alex Trebek set a Guinness World Record

1456. for most game shows hosted.

1457. The previous record holder was who gives a fuck.

1458. - He's a game show host.

1459. But wouldn't that be fun being a quiz master?

1460. - I'd love to, I wish I could host Jeopardy

1461. That would be so rad.

1462. - Oh yeah, that would be fun.

1463. - That's a good show, Jeopardy.

1464. - I love that.

1465. This is what my plan is for Jeopardy

1466. because I watch with my son, right?

1467. This is what my plan would be.

1468. See if you think this is a good plan.

1469. You watch Jeopardy, right?

1470. And you answer the questions you know

1471. and everything like that but nobody tells you this.

1472. Then they play it again for you

1473. and you see if you can answer any more.

1474. I bet you couldn't.

1475. - You don't think you retain any of the—

1476. - Because you skip by the ones you don't know.

1477. - I don't know what you're saying.

1478. - I'm saying let's say they showed you Jeopardy once, right?

1479. So you would get 20 of the 40 answers maybe.

1480. Then they'd play it again.

1481. Do you think you would get all 40?

1482. - Yeah, probably because you know,

1483. it has time to settle in.

1484. - So you think you would remember.

1485. - I think you'd get more probably

1486. if you were watching it again.

1487. - I like in Jeopardy where the question,

1488. there's a clue within the question

1489. that helps you along,

1490. you know what I mean? - Oh yes.

1491. - There is?

1492. - They'll go, "This guy who starred with Audrey Meadows

1493. "in the Honeymooners was once a pool player."

1494. Like the pool player has nothing to do with it.

1495. - You mean they give easy clues?

1496. - I don't know what I'm saying.

1497. - I think it's hard.

1498. That show is hard. - It's hard as hell.

1499. - You got to be smarter than hell to go on there.

1500. - And the categories come up and you go,

1501. "Oh, I have a chance at that one,"

1502. and then it's "Operas."

1503. Operas?

1504. - Opera.

1505. - Ah, fucking shit.

1506. Or Classical Music, do you know that?

1507. - No.

1508. - Goddamn.

1509. - I don't know anything except

1510. for if it's about snack foods.

1511. I'd kill on that.

1512. Those are hard questions, though.

1513. - Oh yeah, and you don't have much time

1514. and then you have to, you can see the other guys

1515. know the answer but they're not good with their thumbs.

1516. You know, because they're all hitting their thing.

1517. But actually somehow one guy always gets in first.

1518. - What about that one Mormon guy

1519. that won like $2 million.

1520. - Ken Jennings?

1521. - Was he Mormon?

1522. - Yeah, from Utah.

1523. - Wow, wow.

1524. - Yeah that was insane.

1525. - Idiot savant.

1526. - You know Brian Regan plays Salt Lake City

1527. and he does it for a month straight.

1528. - He does?

1529. - That makes sense.

1530. - They love him.

1531. - One of the few that's just that good and—

1532. - He's just so clean. - So clean, yeah.

1533. - So clean.

1534. - Perfectly clean.

1535. - He's hilarious too.

1536. - That's tough to be that good and clean.

1537. - And clean?

1538. It's impossible.

1539. - That's so impressive.

1540. - I'm impressed with clean comics.

1541. - Me too.

1542. Way more impressed than anyone that's superior

1543. as a dirtiness, seems like a crutch a lot of times.

1544. - I like dirty ones too.

1545. - It's a real meeting of the mind.

1546. And what about this one, Roseanne?

1547. - Oh my God.

1548. Three children were,

1549. is this like a news story, is that what I'm reading it like?

1550. - Yes, because the Civil War reenactments

1551. are very big this month.

1552. - Three children were injured when a canon exploded

1553. during a Civil War reenactment.

1554. To keep things authentic, the children

1555. had their limbs sawed off with a rusty hacksaw.

1556. - I don't think that was right.

1557. - That's not good.

1558. - What about, do you believe that Jeffery Dahmer

1559. should have been broomstick raped to death?

1560. - Oh my God, Norm.

1561. Well, he was killed.

1562. - Well, that's how he died.

1563. - That's how he died?

1564. I didn't know it was like that way.

1565. - No, no, no.

1566. I mean the country didn't do it.

1567. - In prison, no, no, no.

1568. - I didn't know he died like that.

1569. - I have no problem with that.

1570. - I thought they cut his head off or something.

1571. - You have no problem with that?

1572. - No.

1573. - Now he's trying to be a tough guy.

1574. Mr. Tough Guy over there.

1575. - I think he should have been killed by the state.

1576. - Yeah, that's what I believe.

1577. Not by other prisoners.

1578. - Don't leave it up to them.

1579. They got enough problems.

1580. - I feel like lethal injection for what he did.

1581. - I like that beheading, I think

1582. that's the fastest, quickest.

1583. - It's painless.

1584. - Why don't they do that?

1585. - I know, they should.

1586. - Who the hell thought of an electric chair?

1587. Who thought that was a good idea?

1588. - I don't know.

1589. - We'll get a chair, make it hot.

1590. - Make it electric.

1591. - Make it so hot that the person will start

1592. bubbling inside from heat.

1593. - That's not good.

1594. - And then their heads explode.

1595. It always takes an hour and it doesn't work

1596. and they go, "Can you sit over here for awhile?

1597. "We have to fix the chair."

1598. - I think they should behead people,

1599. as you know, I've said that many times.

1600. - did not know that but I love that idea.

1601. - It's just quick.

1602. - Why'd they stop that?

1603. - It's quick.

1604. - Why'd they stop that, Roseanne?

1605. - It's painless and quick.

1606. - Do they do it in any country?

1607. - I think they do it in, you know,

1608. the kind of...

1609. - Middle East?

1610. - You know how they do it in Russia?

1611. They'll go out, the guy will be sleeping

1612. and is asleep, a guy walks up and shoots him

1613. in the back of the head.

1614. - Oh, that seems way better than anything.

1615. - That's good.

1616. That's not bad. - That's the best.

1617. - You wouldn't even know it's coming.

1618. - Never know it's coming and it only costs you a bullet.

1619. - That's how I want to go.

1620. On top of—

1621. - That's how I'd like you to go too.

1622. - One top of a three

1623. - Want to go split on a fucking handgun?

1624. - I just want to go in my sleep when I'm old

1625. and having a nice dream or something, you know?

1626. - Where are you going to go?

1627. - To die, to go with the Lord.

1628. - Do you believe in the Lord?

1629. I do.

1630. - You do?

1631. Are you religious?

1632. - I believe in God.

1633. - I do too.

1634. - That's as far as I go.

1635. - Yeah, me too.

1636. - I don't need your buddy Bill Maher telling me

1637. I'm an idiot.

1638. - I don't like when atheists say all that shit.

1639. It pisses me off too.

1640. I'm glad you said that.

1641. - They don't know shit either.

1642. - Why don't you shut your fucking mouth?

1643. Who asked you?

1644. - They do the same thing that they have a problem

1645. with everyone else.

1646. They always say, "Don't push your beliefs on me,"

1647. but they do the same.

1648. I'll just shut up.

1649. - They guy says what you just said

1650. but way less eloquent.

1651. - I don't think I was too eloquent.

1652. - Articulate.

1653. - I think I am.

1654. - I'm going to give you now, to end the show...

1655. - All right.

1656. - Thank you very much for being here.

1657. - It was fun.

1658. - Can I kiss you?

1659. - Of course.

1660. - Sweet.

1661. - Sweet.

1662. I'm glad I had Cert.

1663. - Everybody asks me on this show,

1664. "When are you going to get a woman?"

1665. I said, "I'm not going to get a woman

1666. "before I get Roseanne, I'll fucking tell you that."

1667. So, this is a political joke.

1668. - Okay.

1669. - I hate political jokes but this is my idea

1670. of a very good political joke.

1671. - And I'm reading it?

1672. - Yup, it's about President Obama.

1673. - What do you think of him?

1674. - It's a little negative on him this one.

1675. - President Obama in a speech this past week

1676. said that we should solve the bee problem.

1677. - The bee problem.

1678. - Oh, God, we elected a guy who sympathizes with bees?

1679. - Jesus Christ, what have we done?

1680. - What's wrong with, I don't get that.

1681. - I don't get that one at all.

1682. - I like bees.

1683. - That's what I'm saying.

1684. - I grow bees.

1685. - You do?

1686. - Yeah, I raise bees.

1687. - Oh, really.

1688. - Bees, there wouldn't be a fucking earth

1689. if it weren't for bees.

1690. - Yeah, you go out there with the thing

1691. and the smoke.

1692. - Yeah, I wear the bee suit and the whole deal.

1693. - My uncle did that and you know he would make,

1694. if you want to make really nice honey

1695. that's not clover honey but it's rather,

1696. what's the other kind of honey?

1697. - Blossom honey?

1698. - No.

1699. - Mesquite?

1700. - Mesquite honey?

1701. Buckwheat honey.

1702. So what you do is you plant a big field of buckwheat

1703. and that's where you put your bees.

1704. This is a better Barack Obama joke.

1705. And then we'll say goodnight.

1706. - Okay.

1707. Presidential fact, Barack Obama is the first president

1708. to ever say the N word as a term of endearment.

1709. - That's not how George Washington used it.

1710. - No, I don't think it was a term of endearment.

1711. - Roseanne.

1712. - Hey, thank you.

1713. - Fantastic, thank you so much, sweetie.

1714. - It was fun, thank you.

1715. - That was so fun.

1716. - Thanks for the Xanax.

1717. - Oh yeah.