Norm Macdonald Live 2x1

1. - Norm, thanks for coming in today.

2. - Yeah, yeah, thanks.

3. The office looks good, I haven't been here for a while,

4. but how are you doing?

5. - Well I'm in this recovery program, Norm,

6. and I'm at step number nine.

7. It's an important step and it's the part where I apologize

8. to all the people I've done wrong.

9. - I'm very sorry, are you an alcoholic?

10. - No, well yes, but that's not the problem.

11. I'm also addicted to cocaine,

12. which I think right now is the perfect time

13. to do a little cocaine.

14. Would you like to? - Woah cocaine?

15. - I don't wanna do cocaine.

16. I don't do cocaine.

17. - Are you sure, you paid for it.

18. - What do you mean I paid for it?

19. - That's the other addiction, Norm,

20. I'm horribly addicted to embezzling.

21. - You're addicted to embezzling?

22. I've never heard of that.

23. - It's an addiction.

24. And in particular,

25. I'm addicted to embezzling your money, Norm.

26. - You embezzled my money?

27. - All of it.

28. - So I'm broke?

29. - No Norm, you're not broke.

30. - Oh, thank goodness.

31. - You're in terrible debt.

32. - I'm in debt?

33. Oh no.

34. - Terrible, terrible debt.

35. Crushing debt, two, three million dollars.

36. - Oh my God.

37. - Maybe more, I've been so busy embezzling

38. I haven't really been keeping track.

39. - This doesn't mean.

40. - I'm afraid it does, Norm.

41. You have to go back to the podcast.

42. - No!

43. Tonight, Ray Romano joins us,

44. but before that,

45. my trusty side-kick,

46. what the fuck's your name?

47. - It's Adam Eget.

48. - Adam Eget is with us to speak,

49. how about that cold opening wasn't that funny?

50. - It was fun, yeah that was funny.

51. - Yeah, that was Brent that played my, it wasn't real.

52. - Yeah I'm quite aware of that.

53. - Yeah, Brent played my money manager,

54. and then it turned out I was broke.

55. Did you see it?

56. - I watched it, it was funny.

57. Where the hell have you actually been, though?

58. - Uhhhh.

59. - What happened?

60. - Yeah, I'm sorry about that I should have told you.

61. - Yeah you should have, cause we had a lot of good guests,

62. We had a lot of. - I threw away

63. - my phone.

64. So if you tried to get ahold of me.

65. - Yeah I tried calling you over and over again.

66. The week after Gilbert.

67. - Gilbert, did you keep doing the podcast?

68. - No, no.

69. We literally canceled on the President.

70. We had Barack Obama, was in the studio.

71. - Barrack Hussein Obama?

72. - Yeah Barrack Obama was in the studio.

73. - He was gonna do it?

74. - Yeah, he was lined up.

75. And you weren't around answering your phone

76. so he ended up doing Zach Galifianakis's.

77. - He did Zach Galifianakis's show?

78. - Yeah.

79. - I have a feud with Zach Galifianakis.

80. - That's not gonna help, no.

81. - That's not gonna help the feud.

82. - Point to Zack.

83. - Oh well.

84. - We had so many good guests.

85. - Things came up.

86. - You flew, I don't know where you went.

87. We had Mickey Rooney.

88. - Mickey Rooney?

89. - Yeah.

90. - That'd be great, we should get him.

91. - He died.

92. - Mickey Rooney died?

93. - He died last week, where have you been?

94. - Oh, Mount Ararat.

95. - Where is that?

96. - It's far away.

97. I've had a weird seven months, I gotta tell you.

98. - Well, what happened?

99. - Well it started, I was plagued by dreams.

100. - What kind of dreams, what are you talking about?

101. - Well nightmares, God came to me.

102. - You spoke to God through your dreams?

103. - Yeah, He told me to build an ark.

104. - Okay so He told you to build an ark?

105. - Yeah He had some plan.

106. He said I should build an ark

107. and then get two of every animal on earth.

108. - That sounds familiar, okay.

109. So you built an ark?

110. - Well, I don't know, what's an ark when you think about it?

111. - It's a vessel, it's a large vessel.

112. - Well, that's what God said.

113. So many cubits and all that.

114. - So you went out and got two of every animal?

115. - Well, I started, I got two dogs.

116. - Uh, huh.

117. - I borrowed them from Elayne Boosler.

118. - Okay.

119. - And then I got two cats, they were my own.

120. - Okay.

121. - Kitty and Bobby?

122. - Kitty and Bobby, yeah you know them.

123. Princess Kitty McMahon and Bobby.

124. And...

125. Bobby died.

126. She feel off Mount Ararat.

127. That's where I was building the ark.

128. - Why did you go up to Mount Ararat?

129. You didn't wanna build?

130. - 'Cause God kept saying there was gonna be a fucking flood.

131. - Oh.

132. Well so, that's where you've been for the last eight months?

133. You've been, how long did it take to build it?

134. So you were on Mount Ararat, built the ark?

135. - Yeah.

136. - No flood came.

137. - I don't know how to build arks.

138. - Didn't God give you instructions?

139. - Nah.

140. - So you're up there with Bobby, Princess Kitty McMahon

141. and Elayne Boosler's two dogs for some reason.

142. - Here's the problem when you have a dream like that,

143. you go, "Is it really God, or is it just my dream?"

144. Was it just a fantasy in my mind, you know,

145. because I stopped doing a whole bunch of pills.

146. That's when the dreams started.

147. - Good Lord.

148. - Yeah, and then he told me to murder my son.

149. - Jesus, Norm.

150. - Yeah, yeah, so anyways I take my son

151. up to Mount Ararat, and show him the ark.

152. Ark, my son's like, this isn't no,

153. my son's like it looks like a bunch of shit.

154. I'm like don't swear, Dylan, you know, meanwhile

155. I know I'm about to murder him.

156. So I got a

157. I got a big stick, you know,

158. that I thought I could murder him with

159. that was meant for the ark,

160. and I say, "Hey Dylan, what do you think of the view

161. of Mount Ararat?", right?

162. And I go to hit him with in the back thinking

163. that'll knock him off the Mount Ararat.

164. - That's terrible.

165. - And plunge to his death.

166. Yeah, but then I'll be in God's favor.

167. So I hit him with the thing

168. and it doesn't knock him off.

169. - Oh thank God.

170. - Yeah, and he beats the shit out of me.

171. Right, my own son.

172. Does any of this make sense?

173. - No.

174. The dream's gone away. - Adam,

175. - Adam, I made all this up.

176. - Oh.

177. - Yes, it's a lesson.

178. - Man am I red in the face.

179. - It's a lesson to where extremism can take you.

180. - Well I think you've made your point.

181. - Everything in moderation, you know what I mean?

182. - Right.

183. - Extremism, what can it lead to?

184. - It could lead to you trying to murder your own child.

185. - Exactly.

186. - Okay, alright.

187. - I made it all up.

188. - Okay.

189. - It's a fable.

190. - You had me, you're good.

191. You're good. - Thanks.

192. - We'll be back, who's our guest?

193. Ray Romano. - Ray Romano.

194. After this.

195. - Tonight for the full hour,

196. - Hour? That's what Larry King

197. always says.

198. He didn't know it's an hour. - Nobody said

199. this was an hour.

200. - It's Ray Romano, you know him

201. from his Emmy Award winning show Everybody Loves Raymond.

202. - Thank you, thank you.

203. - His role as an animated mammoth

204. in the Ice Age films, and he's on NBC's Parenthood.

205. I was just saying earlier

206. that I like parenthood - Thank you.

207. now that I'm older.

208. - Thank you, are you gonna keep your glasses

209. in honor of us being older?

210. - In honor of the great men of a certain age.

211. - Yes, by the way, now that I am older,

212. whenever I act, if I ever get a chance to act,

213. I wanna do glasses because you wanna put more on your face

214. that takes away from the oldness of your face.

215. You know what I mean,

216. 'cause this way they can't see the wrinkles.

217. - I got you, I never thought of that.

218. - Yeah, I do the, I let that grow, and that distracts

219. from oh look how old he got.

220. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't you find also like,

221. that everybody's got cosmetic surgery

222. so there's no old guys except Bill Murray?

223. So he gets all the

224. cool independent movies. - You mean even the men,

225. - Too, you think the men too?

226. - Yeah I think so.

227. I remember one time Jackie Gleason got it.

228. I was like what the fuck?

229. Like why is - What did he get?

230. Jackie Gleason getting it?

231. It was a tuck or some shit, - Oh did he really?

232. and then his face was all like

233. he couldn't do his funny stuff anymore.

234. He was in that movie with Tom Hanks.

235. - He couldn't do Blabbermouth.

236. - Nothing in Common?

237. - What?

238. - Is that what it's called? Nothing in Common?

239. - Oh the movie - Oh that is

240. with Hanks, yeah. - what it's called.

241. Yeah, yeah, that might have

242. been the last one, right? - Played a mean guy.

243. - I think so.

244. - You know who did Jackie Gleason,

245. Brad Garrett - Brad Garrett.

246. played Jackie Gleason.

247. - How did that happen, a super tall guy,

248. but he did it, he was great.

249. - Yeah, Jackie Gleason,

250. the tall years or something, I don't know.

251. I just saw Brad yesterday.

252. - Brad, you were just inducted

253. into the Television Hall of Fame of the

254. National Association of Broadcasters.

255. - Hall of Fame.

256. You know, I don't really know what that is,

257. but it was an honor.

258. It was yesterday - Yeah, did you

259. know that?

260. - I didn't, not until just now.

261. - And Brad Garrett seemed like a long shot.

262. I remember because he's so crazy tall,

263. you see him at the improv

264. and you go how can he be cast in anything?

265. - Well he wasn't,

266. we wrote the show based on my life,

267. so it was based on my brother in real life

268. who really was a cop, a New York City cop.

269. But he was like 5'10",

270. and he had this kind of bitterness,

271. nothing like Brad brought into it, into the role,

272. so that was a lucky accident.

273. - And he had bitterness about you, your success?

274. - He coined a phrase, this is what nobody knows,

275. which is what I hate is that Everybody loves Raymond,

276. which is not a title

277. that I wanted. - Which you hate

278. that title.

279. - It wasn't a title I wanted,

280. it was a quote from my brother

281. said sarcastically, in truth, in real life.

282. Yeah, he came over to my house,

283. he saw I won a Cable Ace award,

284. and he said, "What's this?"

285. I go yeah I got it, they just gave me an award,

286. and he just goes.

287. Look at our lives, he was a New York City cop.

288. He said "People spit at me, they shoot at me,

289. "but everybody loves Raymond."

290. And so that got in the show,

291. and then Phil Rosenthal said let's use it

292. as a working title, it's a working title.

293. And I said it's gonna stick and sure enough.

294. - They should've had quotation - Was he your

295. marks around it. - first choice, Brad?

296. - No, Brad, Brad, they were casting, you know,

297. I was in New York and they would

298. keep telling me who they think is up for it,

299. and then they say we found a good choice

300. for the brother, Brad Garrett,

301. and I said, because all I knew him was from Star Search,

302. and he won, he won the first year of Star Search.

303. So I knew of him and I knew he was this giant.

304. - Impressionist.

305. - Yeah, I said what?

306. And Stu Smiley from HBO said he does this unique take on it.

307. And I saw it, and yeah, it was a lucky.

308. We didn't write that, was on the page, that persona,

309. and he brought that in.

310. - Is he living in Las Vegas?

311. - No, but he has a place there because he has that club.

312. - Yeah I saw him there.

313. - He's almost like Rickles, now.

314. - Oh yeah, and he's got a very young girlfriend.

315. She was 25 when they met, and I don't think she's 30 yet.

316. I think they've been together for a while.

317. He'll tell ya right away. - There's two kinds

318. - Of guys, I feel like you and me,

319. we couldn't be with a young girl,

320. we'd feel too old - Yeah.

321. - And then there's other guys

322. that like young girls.

323. - Well it's the same theory as Vegas,

324. you just get in and get out.

325. I wouldn't wanna stick around.

326. But Brad, you know, she's great,

327. and Brad's the first one to tell you,

328. he'll joke about it you know.

329. He says every time she leaves the house

330. I gotta put out an Amber Alert.

331. And her father was there last week,

332. and her father's younger than us.

333. - Oh my God.

334. This guy's young, but.

335. - I mean I'm 35. - How old are you?

336. - 35, yeah, that seems young now to me.

337. - I'm at that age where.

338. - It's like Bob Hope talking to George Burns.

339. - Well we're not old, you know what it is.

340. - We're all right.

341. Well that's what I'd said in my act.

342. In my act I do a thing about the friends you want.

343. You can't have enough doctor friends, right.

344. Because you don't have time to make friends

345. because you're in the public eye.

346. People wanna be your friend,

347. and the only one I can allow in is a doctor,

348. and that's what I've noticed as you get older,

349. the different friends you want.

350. In your teens you want the first kid who has a car.

351. He's very popular.

352. - That says a lot about who you are.

353. All my friends work at doughnut shops at the moment.

354. I'm trying to lose some weight.

355. - Like a guy can tell exactly your age,

356. in your 20s then you got the kid

357. who can get you tickets somewhere, you know whatever it is.

358. The kid who has connections,

359. like he can get you you a Reo Speedwagon,

360. which doesn't seem like a lot with 30 years ago.

361. And then in your 30s and your 40s,

362. it's good to have lawyer friends

363. because shit's gonna happen.

364. - There's trouble, yeah.

365. - Yeah, you gonna get divorced.

366. - Arbitration.

367. - You gotta get your dick off the internet.

368. A picture of your dick is on the internet somewhere.

369. - Do you miss those simpler times before all the success?

370. A lot of guys they pine for when you were broke,

371. when you struggled. - Youth.

372. - When you had youth.

373. - Well, not specifically youth.

374. - Yeah, well I know what you're talking about

375. because to quote Neil Sedaka,

376. I miss the hungry years.

377. I miss the hungry years.

378. What's funny is I said that in an article once.

379. I quoted Neil Sedaka because I have that song

380. on my iPod, I Miss the Hunger Years,

381. and he came backstage to my show.

382. - Yeah, I bet he did.

383. - Well listen, what about when guys tell you

384. about gay guys like John Wayne or Broderick Crawford,

385. you're like, that can't be true.

386. They pick the most masculine guy.

387. - But it's like, you know the rumors

388. about the emergency room with the.

389. - The gerbil.

390. - Whatever, yeah, everybody knows somebody who has a cousin

391. who was in the, no you don't.

392. - Yeah they're lying, they're flat out lying

393. or they believe it themselves, right?

394. - Like those, what was the Rod Stewart one.

395. - Yeah, where he had to have the stomach pumped.

396. - Well we don't have to say it.

397. He swallowed a whole bunch of cum or something.

398. - Yeah, yeah that's exactly what it is.

399. - No we don't have to say it, not on TV.

400. - No but it's all bullshit.

401. - I guess you're right.

402. - No it's horse shit.

403. The only true thing is he's a soccer player.

404. - This is how lame I am.

405. The biggest one for me was that I have a peanut allergy.

406. Not kidding, that came out.

407. - That was a rumor about you.

408. - Yes, that was in the Inquirer that I was rushed

409. to the hospital because I had a peanut allergy,

410. and I still get the Peanut Allergy Association

411. asking me to speak and everything like this.

412. - I think that's a good indication of how successful.

413. - I was in the National Inquirer once with Adam Eget,

414. this guy.

415. - So we were at the, he used to manage the Tempe Improv.

416. Did you ever do the Tempe Improv?

417. - I did.

418. - Oh, I kinda remember this.

419. - Incredible club, well we went to that casino.

420. - Backdoor poker, yeah.

421. - So we went to the casino before,

422. you know, we played poker until the show.

423. And then I don't know who writes for the National Inquirer,

424. but it's sort of truthful, you know?

425. They go like Norm MacDonald was,

426. you know they always talk it a certain way.

427. Like I'm not leaving, you'd have to drag me away.

428. I'm winning, I'm up.

429. So apparently I didn't do the show.

430. Anyway they show a picture of me

431. for the World Series of Poker

432. where it was like the third day and I was like.

433. There was just a bunch of chips

434. and I'm like half asleep.

435. - They take a picture from somewhere else, yeah.

436. You play in the World Series?

437. - I don't play in the main event anymore.

438. - What was the last experience like?

439. - Because I can go deep

440. and lose some money. - That's the only

441. - one I play in.

442. I just go and do the main event.

443. - It's hard, the main event.

444. - Do you do one of the other things?

445. - Yeah like a smaller field so you have a chance, what?

446. - What was the last experience like?

447. You didn't do very well, something happened.

448. - I don't know what you're talking about.

449. - I think they had to call you back.

450. - Oh, I've had bad fucking experiences.

451. Like one time I was holding a king and the board

452. was king, nine, nine, five, four or something,

453. and the other guy goes, I got two pair,

454. but I also had two pair.

455. I'm like oh fuck.

456. I threw my cards in the air, and then I realize

457. that I also got two pair,

458. so I go to grab the cards like this,

459. and I crunch them up into all the cards.

460. And I'm holding the crunched cards

461. and the dealer's like,

462. you lose. - You're out.

463. Everyone's mad at me.

464. - You mucked them.

465. - And then I left, and then they go over a loud speaker,

466. they go, Norm MacDonald you still have like $15.

467. So I had to go all the way through,

468. everyone's looking at me.

469. I instantly lose it and I just.

470. It was humiliating too,

471. 'cause they keep a camera on you as a celebrity, right,

472. until you lose and then they show you when you lose.

473. - It's so exhilarating playing in that main event.

474. And I know, I don't know why,

475. because it's so devastating.

476. When you lose, and I played three days,

477. I have a little less than three days this year.

478. It's like getting a puppy.

479. It's the most beautiful thing in the world in the beginning,

480. but you know it's gonna end in tragedy.

481. You know it's just gonna end horribly.

482. - There's a good metaphor. - There's shit

483. - all over the place.

484. - No, it's metaphors, he's gonna die.

485. - Right, I thought he was going in a different direction.

486. - You thought he meant shit.

487. - I thought he meant it's an adorable thing

488. but then it's gonna shit all over.

489. - No, no that it's terminal,

490. it's like dating a terminally ill girl.

491. - You're gonna outlive it.

492. - Gotcha.

493. - He hasn't outlived the dog here.

494. - That's why you get a tortoise,

495. you can give it to your kid,

496. will it to your grandson.

497. - Or get a fruit fly and it's over in a day.

498. - The heartbreak isn't so bad.

499. - Yeah, it's one day.

500. - Should we go to break?

501. - Yeah they were saying.

502. Annie says we gotta go to a break.

503. Oh yeah, there's breaks. - Break?

504. - We have a surprise, right?

505. - We do.

506. - Did you, he set this out.

507. - Yes

508. Uh, well, I thought it'd be a good idea.

509. Ray Romano on the show,

510. we put in a lot of work, it wasn't easy.

511. Guy's pretty busy, but, we have a special guest caller,

512. unfortunately couldn't be here, he's an incredibly busy guy.

513. But, you worked with this gentleman

514. on your incredibly successful series

515. Everybody Loves Raymond, for nine seasons.

516. Couldn't be here, unfortunately, in person,

517. but live via, what are we, satellite or on the phone?

518. On Skype? - Skype.

519. Live, via Skype. - Oh here he is!

520. There's the camera right there, there he is, cousin.

521. - Fred!

522. - It's cousin Fred Stoller.

523. - It was Gerard, his name was Gerard.

524. - Yeah I know that but I call him cousin Fred Stoller.

525. Well, everyone has glasses, 'cause I'm doing a one man show

526. about the male, you know.

527. - Yeah, you're Bob Dubac's act now.

528. - Yeah, I'm so good looking, but I'm intelligent.

529. - That was Bob Dubac's act, he had a one man show called

530. Can a Man This Handsome Be Funny?

531. - Titled it himself.

532. - I'm looking at myself so I'm out of sync, right?

533. - Yeah, you're a little out of sync,

534. but you look good Fred.

535. - No he doesn't.

536. - Thank you, Ray, thank you very much.

537. He wrote the forward to my book,

538. thank you, I appreciate it.

539. - You're welcome.

540. By the way, the story of the first time I,

541. well not the I met Fred, the first time I knew of Fred,

542. was when I was doing open mic nights and whatever,

543. I was sitting in the Comic Strip, trying to go on Late Night

544. at the bar, and about four or five people

545. coming out of the room congratulated me

546. on the set I just had,

547. and it was Fred who they had seen on stage.

548. They thought it was me, yeah.

549. - I, Ray, when your show first started being big,

550. before you know, this woman thought I was you,

551. and she gave out free Nike sneakers,

552. so I was trying to go with it.

553. Remember the woman from Nike?

554. - Yeah, yeah, the Nike woman, yeah.

555. - Yeah, I tried but then she caught on.

556. I, you're such a nice guy.

557. I still have the com, com-air-a-tive, how do you say,

558. ring you gave everyone?

559. - Yes, commemorative.

560. What the fuck is going on?

561. - 210 episodes and I was on seven of them,

562. that's why I'm sitting in this place, like.

563. No, it's all good.

564. Ray, you're very nice now,

565. 'cause the joke is, I realized while waiting here,

566. that I'm a big let-down,

567. that they're building up someone big.

568. And I'm sitting here going, why am I doing this?

569. But, it's 'cause I'm desperate.

570. - Didn't Adam Egan explain the,

571. the idea, the concept?

572. - Well, you pitched it to me going,

573. this'll be great, Fred.

574. We'll build up Ray, that someone really significant

575. was hard to get, and it's you!

576. That's the joke!

577. - What happened, you couldn't get one of the kids

578. that were on the show?

579. - It was me and John Manfrellotti.

580. Well, he was bigger, he did more, Jesus.

581. - How many'd you do, how many episodes?

582. - I did seven out of 210, see the ring?

583. It says on the ring, 210, I'm back to stand up,

584. and my joke is, the difference between

585. being the cousin and the brother is $77 million.

586. - Is that what, oh fuck, you're opening for me in Austin.

587. Are you gonna do that joke?

588. - When's the last time you did stand up?

589. - It was like 17 years, but I been doing it,

590. okay I'm not plugging the book, but,

591. there's a book that, I'm being sued for this book,

592. it's a long story that no one's read.

593. - Kenny Kramer is suing him.

594. - Oh yeah, I read that,

595. I read that you're getting sued.

596. - I'm in the negative, severe negative,

597. because of your introduction,

598. people think it's legit and can sue.

599. Uh, no.

600. This Jewish book council tracked me down,

601. and said, will you do your act?

602. So I went to Flappers and Hermosa,

603. and little by little, and then they asked me back.

604. So I'm going where anyone asks me to be,

605. including this abusive cameo.

606. - He calls it abusive.

607. But are you gonna do anyway.

608. - I think I'm gonna be doing some 25 year old jokes, sure.

609. - Anyway.

610. - I have no pride, you know these comedians, they go—

611. - Continental, I go on Continental.

612. Oh, that's Bobby Collins.

613. - These comedians they go, I do it different now,

614. where every year I throw out the act.

615. - We were just talking about that earlier.

616. - I repeat the same—

617. - Brian Regan used to go into a city

618. and do a different hour from Friday to Saturday nights.

619. So he'd get the same audience coming back.

620. - Wow.

621. - He's astonishing.

622. - What did Rodney Dangerfield say to you?

623. - Well he said a lot of not nice things.

624. 'Cause he didn't know I was there,

625. so I give him credit.

626. Ray, remember you had the board at the improv

627. where the names were?

628. - Didn't you say, oh yeah.

629. - So he comes in once,

630. and he's all, Fred Stoller, what the fuck is that about.

631. I'm sitting right there.

632. - What was his advice to you?

633. - He saw me at the Comic Strip improv, in like, '80,

634. and he said, you take too many liberties.

635. You pause, you know, too many liberties.

636. - Too many liberties?

637. - You wanna just get jokes.

638. I think he just meant, like, no pauses.

639. - I've never seen Fred this animated.

640. - What do you got, Fred, seriously?

641. - What do you mean what do I got?

642. No, I just, they didn't want here already,

643. they're both hypochondriacs.

644. - Because he said he couldn't come in.

645. - I'm sick.

646. - What?

647. - I'm sick.

648. - With what, though?

649. - This is a virusy, kinda, you know.

650. - Yeah, we understand.

651. Yeah, yeah.

652. - I know you both are hypochondriacs,

653. I don't know about Adam, so I was respectful.

654. - No, I would've, yeah, no.

655. - Are you a hypo?

656. - Yeah, a bit, I mean I had a pap smear once.

657. Does that?

658. - Have you had a colonoscopy?

659. - That could be in my show.

660. - Have you had the colonoscopy?

661. - Yes, of course I have.

662. You've never had it? - It's gotta be.

663. One time I saw that, what's her name,

664. you know that Katie Couric's, husband died of it.

665. So she's on the show, she's on Regis,

666. and she goes, everybody's gotta have this colonoscopy.

667. And Regis is like, "I'm not getting it!"

668. And he's like 80, you know.

669. - I loved it, I loved it,

670. because I love the anesthesia,

671. because you feel like you're dead, and you get to enjoy it.

672. - Oh yeah, the twilight drug is

673. the craziest drug ever. - That's why I won't.

674. - That's what scares me.

675. - You're conscious. - I don't like it.

676. - But you're.

677. - You're out.

678. - Yeah, they're putting stuff and you don't even notice it.

679. - That's why I won't do it,

680. but then they tell you, you can get it without it.

681. - Without anesthesia, oh my God.

682. - Yeah, my shrink told me. - That's the fun part.

683. - My shrink told me, oh you can do it.

684. I've done it, yeah.

685. - Oh no, I don't think that's a good idea.

686. Have you had it, Daniel?

687. - No.

688. - And there's the virtual one, you get the virtual one.

689. Where they don't,

690. they don't have to put you under,

691. but I don't know what it is, but Phil Rosenthal had it done.

692. - I had, the third time I had it,

693. I was sort of half conscious,

694. 'cause I was used to the drug, I think.

695. But anyways, at the end of the colonoscopy,

696. there's a, I'm joking and everything,

697. while they're putting stuff up my ass,

698. and there's a camera on the inside of your ass, right,

699. and there's pictures and stuff,

700. and you're looking at it.

701. So anyways, at the end, they guy's like,

702. we're almost finished,

703. and then the doctor's name comes up, and then the nurse.

704. So I go,

705. I go, hey man, this must be over,

706. there's the final credits.

707. So, no laugh at all.

708. So I'm all emotional from the drug.

709. I'm like, what the fuck, maybe everybody says that joke.

710. But at least the guy could laugh, you know?

711. So I'm all hurt,

712. and then come out from the drug,

713. and there's an orderly there,

714. and I don't even care if I have cancer or not,

715. I'm like (overlapping indistinguishable chatter).

716. Yeah, I'm like, why's that joke, it didn't work.

717. And the guy goes, what?

718. I'm like, at the end, when the thing came out.

719. He goes, the whole time you were just going

720. - So you thought you said it?

721. - I thought I said it, yeah.

722. I think that might be what crazy people do,

723. like they think you, they go why is he ignoring me?

724. - It's gotta be a bit.

725. It's gotta be a bit, guys, where you're sick,

726. you go, I'm past the part of being contagious,

727. where, we know that.

728. No, alright.

729. I'm auditioning for Austin as we speak.

730. No that's not a joke,

731. but don't you think there's a premise,

732. a germ, you get it, a germ,

733. that people always, no you're not gonna get it,

734. I'm, Tuesday was the day I was contagious.

735. Like, we know.

736. - When I went for the prostate—

737. - There is a bit.

738. - Went for a prostate exam,

739. and he told me, you gotta do an enema the night before.

740. You gotta give yourself an enema.

741. - Oh, wow.

742. - Yes, so I did.

743. - Onstage?

744. - I went for the prostate, I went for the exam,

745. and, I went for the exam, and this is true,

746. absolutely true story, afterwards he said everything's fine,

747. and he took me in his office, he goes, and he said,

748. you did a good job with your enema.

749. And I don't know, I'm not good with a compliment.

750. In general, but I didn't know how to respond.

751. And then he said, who helped you with it?

752. - Oh, no.

753. - He was like.

754. I didn't wanna, - You couldn't have

755. It was just me. - Done it yourself.

756. I didn't wanna tell him.

757. - He thought it was so expertly done.

758. - I didn't want to insult his assessment of it.

759. Like, you're not gonna tell me that was all you.

760. - When I first moved to L.A., I was new with the parking

761. and the valets and I went to some doctor,

762. and they told me about some extensive,

763. exploratory thing where they have to

764. put a camera up my penis and look at things.

765. So, I'm all nauseous, and then I go and get my car

766. and have to tip the valet.

767. Now that's common, but it's so weird.

768. Valet tipping is, you had a nice steak,

769. you know what I mean?

770. After hearing about cameras and penises,

771. you're tipping a guy.

772. - You buried the lead there.

773. What happened?

774. - Did you just have a stroke?

775. - Huh?

776. I mean, now it's not so absurd to tip people

777. for no reason whatsoever,

778. the absurdity, because I was new to tipping valets.

779. I thought it was a fancy thing

780. in Beverly Hills Cop. - You couldn't tell us

781. - that story without the penis part?

782. - I went to a doctor once for that, Fred,

783. and the doctor said to me,

784. he goes the last time you were here,

785. he goes how was your cholesterol?

786. I go, I don't know.

787. He goes, oh, the last time you were here,

788. your cholesterol was alarmingly high.

789. And I go, you never told me that.

790. He's like, yeah I told you.

791. I go, I would remember fucking alarmingly high.

792. And I go, well now, it's gonna be

793. whatever is higher than alarmingly,

794. because I've been fucking drinking cream every day.

795. And, I could've died in that fucking interval.

796. You gotta be responsible for your own healthcare, nowadays.

797. - I had a thing,

798. one day I day I found like,

799. it looked like someone put a cigarette hole in my back.

800. - Oh no, God.

801. - Two things, yeah, actually there were four,

802. but two were deep and I'm like what the fuck is that?

803. I'm a hypo like you, and my wife's like,

804. what now, what now?

805. I'm like, look at this.

806. And she goes, I don't know what that is.

807. - Women don't care, they don't know about mortality.

808. - But we went to the dermatologist,

809. and she's looking at it

810. and she said something I never wanted to hear,

811. she's like, hm, I've never seen anything quite like that.

812. Anyway, so she didn't know, it was a mystery,

813. and I hate all that shit,

814. and I found, this was when, this was years ago,

815. I used to watch TV.

816. My wife goes to bed so I can't wake her up,

817. so I used to watch the little Sony Watchman.

818. And I had an adapter, with four prongs on it,

819. and it was in the summer and I slept with it on my back.

820. And it embedded, it was the perfect fit,

821. it embedded right into those holes.

822. It took about a month later, - You figured it out.

823. but yeah I solved it.

824. So I thought maybe aliens were fucking around, or something.

825. - You can almost self diagnose.

826. You give yourself enemas.

827. You figure out what dermatologists cannot.

828. - Stay away from the internet, as they say.

829. You look up anything on the internet,

830. if your eye itches, and it's—

831. - But the doctors say that to you because,

832. then you'll be as smart as the doctor

833. if you read the internet.

834. - Yeah, but everything can get bad

835. if you stay on the internet too long.

836. - Well look at those bags under his eyes, Jesus Christ.

837. - Well that's why you gotta wear glasses, Fred.

838. - I saw you both had it, and then I figured,

839. you know I don't.

840. - Yeah, put 'em on, come on, man.

841. - I remember when I used to go on commercial auditions,

842. I thought this would be a new thing,

843. I'd come in with nerd glasses,

844. casting director goes, Fred, put those glasses down.

845. - That does take years off of him, right?

846. - Oh yeah. - You were right.

847. - See, I'm telling you. - Yeah, you're right.

848. - A young Barry Sobel.

849. - Skype takes a couple years off, too.

850. Skype takes some of the age away.

851. You look good here, I think.

852. - I feel like I'm a let down, being a let down.

853. - No!

854. I mean, there was supposed to be more abusive jokes,

855. you got, this, I was expecting Patricia Heaton.

856. - The problem was I just saw 'em all yesterday.

857. - Ray, again, thank you for the ring.

858. - You got it.

859. - I had this embedded in my head once,

860. I sleep with it, went to the doctor.

861. - When are we going to Austin, Fred?

862. - June 5th to the 7th.

863. - I'm gonna be there, sucker.

864. - No.

865. - Yeah, I am.

866. There's like, a TV festival that week.

867. - Not South by Southwest?

868. - Yeah, but TV, and they're gonna do a

869. Men of a Certain Age Panel.

870. - Oh, awesome.

871. - How 'bout stand up during Fred's act,

872. and you know, you're fucking stealing my shit.

873. - Oh, that's a great idea.

874. - Oh, that'll be great, what a comeback for you.

875. - Well, it's better than people thinking

876. I'm Geechy Guy.

877. - Geechy Guy told me, he said, I've got a fan letter.

878. Well it wasn't exactly a fan letter.

879. I was doing Comic Strip Live,

880. and a woman wrote me

881. 'cause she thought I had the same disease as her son.

882. - Oh, he beat me on Star Search.

883. When I lost, my wife was pregnant with our first kid,

884. so if you win, you stay, I was in New York.

885. So, after I lost, I said, let's just go home.

886. And she gave birth the next day.

887. Her water broke early, so it was lucky that I was home.

888. And then we were in the hospital in the city,

889. after the baby was born, it was late,

890. and I stopped at the Cellar on the way back.

891. And Mike Sweeney, the comic, sees me,

892. and he says, "Hey, congratulations!"

893. And I go, "No, I lost."

894. He goes, no I'm talking about your kid.

895. I go, oh, that, yeah.

896. - I haven't done stand up in like 17 years,

897. right, so I'm hanging out at Flappers.

898. It's so surreal, because they go—

899. - What the fuck is Flappers?

900. What is Flappers?

901. - Flappers is in Burbank, and the whole place was abuzz

902. because some guy, I forgot his name,

903. had to get his set ready for the Arsenio show.

904. Like, wait, did anything change?

905. I'm hanging out going, man I gotta go next,

906. I'm doing Arsenio next week.

907. - Arsenio.

908. - I left, he's back, alright that's not a great story.

909. - It's losing it 'cause your lips aren't in sync.

910. - I'm like a puppet, Pete does Adam as a puppet.

911. He makes Adam say mean things about me.

912. He goes, Adam that's not nice to say about Fred.

913. - Fred, Fred.

914. One time, I was at the comedy festival,

915. only time I ever did the comedy festival,

916. and I hone my act for six months, memorize every word,

917. I go there, I meet Sinbad.

918. He wasn't famous at that time.

919. And so, he says, let's go, I gotta get some socks.

920. He's all calm.

921. So we go to the store, and there's no one in the store.

922. And he's like, hello,

923. and then a woman comes out a minute later

924. and he buys his socks.

925. So then, at the festival, that's all he talks about.

926. He goes, what's with the sock stores, nobody's in them?

927. The whole audience laughs like it's true.

928. Did way better than everybody else.

929. He was sitting on the edge of the stage,

930. like, seducing the audience.

931. - What about the guy who, now I'm nice to and I made amends,

932. but Orny Adams at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

933. One of his sets is he reads the review of his other set.

934. Remember that?

935. - On the movie you mean?

936. - Yeah.

937. - Yeah, yeah, so what did you do?

938. - Meaning, we had an argument, but we're cool now.

939. He didn't like that I said something.

940. - So you and Orny had an argument.

941. - It's an argument, he did the same thing

942. when my first sitcom job, Singer and Sons,

943. he came to the audience, yeah big references.

944. And then I see him after, his head was down,

945. he goes, you just need relaxation exercises.

946. - Singer and Sons?

947. Wasn't that 1940?

948. Who was in Singer and Sons?

949. - Harold Gould, Esther Rolle.

950. - Harold Gould.

951. - Um, Phil Leeds.

952. - Phil Leeds was on Raymond.

953. - He is hysterical.

954. - He was great, yeah, so.

955. Don't bring him to a show,

956. he sits there with his head down and shakes his head.

957. - Isn't it one of the funnest things,

958. to work with those super funny character actors?

959. I guess you're like that, now.

960. - Thank you, I hope so.

961. Yeah those are my favorites, when I did your show, Ray.

962. - I was joking Fred!

963. The funniest stuff was talking to Charles Durning,

964. those seventies movies.

965. Dog Day Afternoon, Joe, uh.

966. - No, I was joking.

967. Fred, Fred, I was joking,

968. when I compared you to the great character actors,

969. I was joking.

970. I don't think you're as good.

971. - Sarcasm and Skype, you lose it on Skype.

972. - There must be some kid out there that is excited.

973. - When you said thank you,

974. everybody laughed like you were a dunce.

975. - Well, you wanted to get some irony

976. about me popping in, well you got it in.

977. You didn't have Ray go, oh just him.

978. So, he was too nice to do that, so.

979. - No, Ray would not do that.

980. Ray's a great guy, but I'm a great guy too, you know that.

981. - Again, Ray, they always go, is Ray a good guy?

982. And I had that with other people where,

983. I learned if someone is not a great person, not to say it.

984. They're always like, Kathy Griffin's nice, right?

985. And you're, well.

986. Here we go, just say everyone's nice.

987. - Well, you just did it.

988. - Thank you Fred.

989. - Kathy, I have great respect for now,

990. because she owned up that she had a one night stand with me,

991. she didn't deny it when Howard Stern asked her.

992. - You said she's not a nice person, like, two seconds ago.

993. - Wait, that's true, that's true

994. that you had a one night stand with her?

995. - Yes, I had a one night stand, it was in her book,

996. and Stern asked her about it.

997. And she said, if I saw Freddie Stoller I'd hug him,

998. because she was so happy I talked about it.

999. So, I have great respect for her.

1000. - What does that mean?

1001. - That means both of them aren't gay.

1002. Which, I wasn't sure of.

1003. - Well.

1004. - Not so nice now!

1005. - No, come on.

1006. - That's my show, called the Validator.

1007. - Who played Singer?

1008. - Harold Gould, the joke was that he was Jewish,

1009. and had a Jewish deli,

1010. and he had no one that would take it over.

1011. He had two black guys,

1012. and they would say, hey, yo.

1013. And I was a schmucky Jewish nephew who was too,

1014. you can't say retarded, you wanna be very conscious of it,

1015. to take over the deli, too schmucky.

1016. So, then a black guy came in, and I ran and hid.

1017. Because when a black guy comes into a deli to buy stuff,

1018. you duck under a counter.

1019. - Oh God.

1020. - But it's a joke.

1021. - What year was this?

1022. - This was my first job, two years in L.A.,

1023. I didn't get my first job until 1990.

1024. And, Ray, a similar situation as you,

1025. because the show runner was trying to fire me,

1026. he didn't want me, and after that every job was great.

1027. Because you had a firing.

1028. And doesn't that make it all less stressful?

1029. Once you're fired, everything's good.

1030. - How does that relate to you?

1031. - Well, I'm trying to think of ways

1032. I'm similar to Ray besides look.

1033. - I was thinking—

1034. - But he went on to great success after he was fired.

1035. - I've been in to be, almost to fill leads.

1036. - I don't get the parallel, but whatever.

1037. Hey Fred, we gotta go, we gotta edit you out.

1038. - Oh my God, that's right, you're not live anymore.

1039. - Wait, you could edit me out,

1040. and pretend that that's me,

1041. and see if anybody catches on.

1042. - I learned my lesson from Ray's show,

1043. never tell anyone you're on a show.

1044. Because my first time in, I was totally edited out.

1045. - From Ray's show?

1046. - The wedding episode.

1047. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1048. That was Phil Rosenthal, don't blame me.

1049. - No, it's okay.

1050. Alright, I won't tell any of my Twitter followers

1051. to watch me, 'cause they won't know.

1052. - What's your number?

1053. 22,000, what do you got?

1054. You look like a 22,000 guy to me.

1055. - 10 or 11, I don't know.

1056. - Only half.

1057. - I only have half of what?

1058. - I said that's only half of my guess.

1059. I guessed 22,000, but 11,000 is good.

1060. - He has something on his lip, right there.

1061. - Yeah, you got fucking snot, oh my God.

1062. Okay Fred, see you later, man.

1063. - Thank you.

1064. - Yeah, thank you, Ray, for the ring, and everything.

1065. - Go see a doctor 'cause you look like you're.

1066. - I'll see you in Austin.

1067. Where you going?

1068. - I'm just glad to hear that the Orny Adams

1069. and Fred Stoller beef has finally been squashed.

1070. - It's finally gone.

1071. - This is why I couldn't,

1072. I always fantasized about doing a show like this,

1073. but this is why I can't do it,

1074. because I'm too neurotic.

1075. I'm not saying anything about anybody that I may run into.

1076. - We have to take a break - Go ahead!

1077. to pay the bills and just do.

1078. - Pay the bills, you keep saying that.

1079. - That's what they say.

1080. - Alright.

1081. - The very well-compensated actor, Ray Romano.

1082. - Not tonight.

1083. - No, not tonight.

1084. - I get, here's what I get. - You get a cup!

1085. - But, hey, get this, we have jokes for you.

1086. We're the only show that provides the guests with jokes.

1087. - Now, wait, when you say jokes for me.

1088. - You read them, yeah.

1089. - For me to tell.

1090. - Yeah, so you don't have to think about it.

1091. - I like that.

1092. There's less pressure telling them

1093. than having to fake react to them.

1094. - Exactly.

1095. And, you know, if it doesn't work, it's not your fault.

1096. - Alright, I'm saying it to you or to camera?

1097. - To camera, yeah.

1098. - Should I read it first or just wing it?

1099. Scientists now say that trout can communicate

1100. with each other with subtle physical gestures.

1101. Just when you thought trout couldn't get any more-

1102. I should read it first. - Oh!

1103. To get with the pace - Here, start again.

1104. - You're right, you're right.

1105. - Oh so this is like a monologue.

1106. Okay.

1107. Scientists now say that trout can communicate

1108. with each other with certain physical gestures.

1109. Geez, just when you thought

1110. trout couldn't get more fascinating.

1111. - Wow, you swallowed that whole, that's incredible.

1112. - I did, yeah.

1113. You shouldn't stop right before the last punchline word.

1114. - How did you do that though,

1115. how did you memorize that so quickly?

1116. - Oh, I don't know.

1117. - Just good, huh?

1118. Here, Brett.

1119. - Oh, I'm Adam.

1120. - Whatever.

1121. A name's a name, Jesus Christ.

1122. - You know what he meant.

1123. - Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day,

1124. according to a group of researchers

1125. who've never read a Garfield comic.

1126. - Fred?

1127. You can't win with these.

1128. - Yeah, you wanna read it over, first.

1129. - I don't wanna mispronounce a word, 'cause I'm stupid.

1130. I'll read it to myself,

1131. I'll say just enough so you can hear it.

1132. Archaeologists evacuating a trash pit

1133. at the Jamestown Colony site in Virginia,

1134. have found direct evidence of human cannibalism.

1135. It's believed to be the first historical occurrence

1136. of someone eating a bag of dicks.

1137. - You don't know that phrase.

1138. - Me?

1139. - That's what you told me, before.

1140. - I said I don't know the phrase bag of, no I.

1141. - I thought you said that.

1142. - It's a Louis CK bit, right?

1143. - Oh yeah, that's right.

1144. - Go eat a bag of dicks, yeah.

1145. - Maybe he made that up, did he?

1146. - It's been around for awhile, it's possible.

1147. - I don't even know that that is a phrase, bag of dicks?

1148. - Yeah, eat a bag of dicks.

1149. - It's a flawed joke in many respects.

1150. - There's another flaw.

1151. - Two women accused of using sorcery

1152. have been beheaded in a remote village in Papua, New Guinea.

1153. A team of police rushed to the scene,

1154. but were forced to stand by and watch

1155. the victims being decapitated with axes,

1156. as locals refused to let them come to their aid.

1157. Norm, if you ever go to a remote village

1158. in Papua, New Guinea, at all costs, avoid using sorcery.

1159. - I didn't understand any of it.

1160. Everyone stopped listening like three minutes in.

1161. - It's a fucking novel.

1162. - That's the problem.

1163. The amount of time to the amount of laugh ratio.

1164. - Way off.

1165. If that was a one line, and you got the same laugh.

1166. - It was two cards.

1167. - It wouldn't be bad.

1168. - Didn't bode well for me.

1169. - Alright, this is not a.

1170. - Is this the first time you're trying this segment?

1171. - No, it's worked before.

1172. - Okay.

1173. Alright, a Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding

1174. a stolen Rolex in her vagina.

1175. Wow, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far.

1176. - I don't understand that one.

1177. What somebody told me,

1178. he's going to have a sex change operation.

1179. That's what somebody said.

1180. I guess, is that the joke?

1181. - These are jokes I'm just reading.

1182. - Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised

1183. if someday we are visited by aliens from outer space,

1184. leading democratic presidential hopeful

1185. Hillary Clinton said,

1186. shouldn't you be getting a blow job somewhere?

1187. - Why always dirty?

1188. - Why always dirty?

1189. - But this is a joke I think Ray will

1190. kill it. - Can't lose?

1191. I think.

1192. - Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall Ferris Wheel.

1193. Also, drawing thousands to Las Vegas, whores.

1194. That's you, that's your voice all the way, right there.

1195. That old Norm MacDonald lean in, whores.

1196. - No, no, no, that one was written by this character.

1197. - Health officials in Texas raided the home

1198. of 60 year old sisters and found over 100 cats.

1199. The cats are named Bootsy, Lola, Tippy, Cornelia,

1200. Fluffy, Minerva, Ringo, Jasper, Charlie,

1201. Spanky, Snooks, Doodle, Wally Happypants, Zeke,

1202. Veronica, Dolly, Clyde, Ajax, Rusty, Puffball,

1203. those were two, Snuffy, Sylvia, Mr. Moody,

1204. Leonardo, Zeke again, apparently, for some reason,

1205. Tawana, Even Rude, Nimrod, Sylvester, Skeeball,

1206. Toots, Jupiter, Lady—

1207. - Yeah, we get it.

1208. - Oh is this one of the bits that gets funny, not funny,

1209. more funny again.

1210. - Yeah, that theory.

1211. - And then not funny.

1212. - Lola Bell,

1213. Newton,

1214. Felix.

1215. - Remember Letterman's top 10 numbers?

1216. Top 10 numbers from one to 10.

1217. - Oh my God, that's awesome.

1218. - And that's all it was, like,

1219. number 10, eight. - That's great.

1220. And then there was a big applause.

1221. - You remember that, Steve?

1222. - It was actually an emergency list.

1223. - And it killed, right?

1224. - Because there was a surprise ending,

1225. because there was a tie.

1226. - We had written a list about a airplane crash,

1227. the pilot excuses.

1228. And Letterman said, maybe this is a bad idea,

1229. because of the crash.

1230. And so, we had a minute, I said,

1231. how about numbers from one to 10?

1232. So he was actually reading it cold.

1233. - Wait a minute, I just quoted something that you wrote?

1234. - That is great.

1235. - Alright, this is the last joke.

1236. - Alright, why don't you do it?

1237. No, no, I didn't do a joke today.

1238. - The street drug, Special K, has been found to be

1239. an excellent treatment for depression.

1240. This, according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.

1241. - Alright, we'll end it there.

1242. Thank you Ray, that was awesome, man.