Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide 1x2

Directed by Paul Hoen

Daran Norris as Gordy • Rob Pinkston as Coconut Head • Meshach Taylor as Mr. Wright • Alex Black as Seth Powers • Tylor Chase as Martin Qwerly

Bathrooms: Cookie tries to hold using the bathroom but gets stuck in the girls' room. Moze puts Ned's name on a bathroom stall, and someone puts kissy lips next to it. Project Partners: Moze must choose a partner for Social Studies. Ned and Cookie's baby is kidnapped.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL FULL OF BULLIES,

2. INSANE TEACHERS,

3. AND GROSS SCHOOL LUNCHES,

4. NED BIGBY—THAT'S ME—

5. AND MY TWO BEST FRIENDS

6. CREATE A GUIDE THAT WILL HELP YOU SURVIVE SCHOOL.

7. "NED'S DECLASSIFIED SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE."

8. YOUR RESULTS MAY VARY.

9. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND NICKELODEON

10. TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE, THAT IS THE QUESTION.

11. BECAUSE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, YOU NEVER KNOW

12. WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT BATHROOM DOOR—

13. WHETHER IT'S BULLIES...

14. THE OCCASIONAL HAUNTING...

15. OR THE FACT THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ANY PRIVACY.

16. TOOT, TOOT, TOOT...

17. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE TIMMY TOOT-TOOT.

18. IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING TOTALLY DUMB

19. THAT YOU'LL REGRET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

20. HEY, BIGBY! BEEN IN THE GIRLS BATHROOM LATELY? HEH HEH HEH!

21. "I'M NED BIGBY, AND I LIKE TO USE THE GIRLS ROOM."

22. HA HA HA!

23. I WAS 5! IT WAS KINDERGARTEN.

24. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT TIME YOU USED THE GIRLS ROOM.

25. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MADE ME THINK OF IT.

26. I WAS 5! IT WAS KINDERGARTEN.

27. SO YOU GUYS NEVER USE THE BATHROOMS AT SCHOOL?

28. NEVER. YOU GO BEFORE YOU LEAVE HOME

29. AND HOLD IT UNTIL YOU GET BACK.

30. HOW DO YOU GIRLS DO IT?

31. WE DON'T GO ALONE.

32. JENNIFER, I NEED A SECOND

33. TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH ME. CAN YOU MAKE IT?

34. I'M IN, BECAUSE I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THE BATHROOM AT SCHOOL.

35. OK, UH, I'M AFRAID NOW.

36. OK, SO WE NEED SOME NEW SURVIVAL TIPS FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TO—

37. BLAST THE PAST?

38. RIDE THE RIVER SHIVER?

39. THE HUGE CREW TOOK OVER THE BATHROOM.

40. CHANDRA DIDN'T GET TO GO,

41. AND I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO READ THE HOTTIE LIST.

42. THE WHAT LIST?

43. THE HOTTIE LIST. GIRLS WRITE DOWN

44. THE NAME OF A GUY THEY LIKE, AND OTHERS COMMENT.

45. LIKE "HE'S COOL," "A JERK,"GOOD KISSER."

46. REALLY.

47. WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT ME?

48. UM, NOTHING.

49. IT'S MOSTLY FOR THE POPULAR GUYS,

50. NOT YOU.

51. FINE.

52. JUST PUT MY NAME UP THERE AND TELL ME WHAT THEY SAY.

53. NO WAY. AND I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR.

54. THEY DON'T ALWAYS SAY NICE THINGS.

55. I'LL COME UP WITH NEW BATHROOM TIPS

56. IF YOU ADD MY NAME TO THE HOTTIE LIST.

57. MOVE, MOSLEY!

58. DEAL.

59. IF HALLWAY BATHROOMS TOTALLY SCARE YOU LIKE THEY SCARE ME,

60. FOLLOW THESE TIPS...

61. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SCHOOL'S OTHER BATHROOMS.

62. BE THE LAST ONE AT GYM TO LEAVE THE LOCKER ROOM

63. AND GO WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GONE.

64. IN THE TERRIFYING CASE THAT YOU HAVE TO SHOUT BROWN WORDS OR GO FOR TWO,

65. GO TO DIRECTLY TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.

66. THERE'S ALWAYS A SUPER-CLEAN PRIVATE BATHROOM THERE.

67. TELL YOUR NURSE YOU HAVE A STOMACHACHE,

68. AND 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES, SHE'LL SAY...

69. DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

70. THAT'S WHEN YOU SAY, "YES!"

71. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT AVOID HALLWAY BATHROOMS,

72. ALWAYS GO DURING CLASS.

73. IT'S EASILY YOUR BEST SHOT AT SOME PRIVACY.

74. THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

75. IT'S GOOD BECAUSE I GET TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

76. BUT BAD BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT.

77. IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

78. - Ned, - JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM AND ENTER THE STALL WITH THE HOTTIE LIST.

79. NOW, JUST WRITE "NED BIGBY, QUESTION MARK"

80. WITH THE BLACK MARKER

81. AND "HOTTIE" WITH THE RED ONE

82. LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WROTE IT.

83. YOU HAVE TO SET THE TONE SO OTHERS WILL FOLLOW.

84. CRABGRASS.

85. MOSLEY.

86. I FORGOT TO GO THIS MORNING.

87. YOU FORGOT TO GO THIS MORNING?

88. I CAN HOLD IT.

89. DOUBT IT.

90. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO HEAR YOUR HOTTIE LISTINGS?

91. YES!

92. "NED BIGBY, HOTTIE."

93. "SHORT."WAY SHORT."

94. "USES THE GIRLS ROOM."

95. "ASK ME IN 5 YEARS WHEN HE'S TALLER."

96. THAT'S IT? IT'S ALL THEY WROTE?

97. THAT LAST ONE WASN'T TOTALLY HURTFUL.

98. THERE WAS

99. SOMEBODY WITH LIPSTICK KISSED YOUR NAME 3 TIMES.

100. WHAT?

101. A GIRL PUT HER LIPS TO A DIRTY BATHROOM WALL?

102. FOR ME?

103. AH, THAT IS A SIGN OF TRUE LOVE, MY FRIEND.

104. I GOT TO KNOW WHO KISSED MY NAME.

105. BUT HOW?

106. I KNOW.

107. GET A SWAB OF THE LIPSTICK,

108. AND THEN COMPARE IT NEXT TO EVERY GIRL WHO WEARS LIPSTICK.

109. SEE YA!

110. ALL RIGHT.

111. LET'S GET TO WORK.

112. IT'S A MATCH!

113. SO WHO'S ON THE KISS LIST?

114. ONE MATCH. SUZIE CRABGRASS.

115. HEY, CRABGRASS WENT TO THE STALL RIGHT AFTER I LEFT.

116. COULD BE HER.

117. OH! I THINK A LITTLE JUST LEAKED OUT.

118. GO TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE!

119. OH, OH!

120. I HAVE AN UPSET STOMACH.

121. DO YOU HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM?

122. YES. YES, I DO.

123. HMPH. WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT

124. 'CAUSE DANNY CRAVEN'S IN THERE WITH THE RUNS.

125. OH!

126. I CAN HOLD IT.

127. JUST GOT TO KEEP MY MIND OFF IT UNTIL I GET HOME.

128. OK, CLASS. WHO CAN TELL ME

129. THE PERIODIC ELEMENT FOR PEE?

130. PEELUMINUM?

131. THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

132. PEE, PEE?

133. - PEETONIUM? - DOESN'T EXIST.

134. COME ON, CLASS, CONCENTRATE ON PEE.

135. I WANT EVERYONE TO THINK HARD ABOUT PEE!

136. PEE, PEE, PEE, PEE!

137. MONSTROUS! IT'S MONSTROUS

138. DON'T GIVE ME A HALL PASS!

139. I'VE GOT TO PEE!

140. OH, OH!

141. OK, NOW, JUST WRITE I'D LIKE TO MEET HER AFTER SCHOOL.

142. WHAT IF ISN'T CRABGRASS WHO KISSED YOUR NAME?

143. WHAT IF IT'S A CRUEL PRANK BY ONE OF THE POPULAR GIRLS?

144. YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT.

145. BUT WHAT IF IT IS CRABGRASS?

146. WHAT IF THE HUGE CREW IS IN THERE?

147. I'M ALONE. I COULD GET HURT.

148. YEAH.

149. AHEM, TAKEN.

150. COOKIE?

151. OH!

152. YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMEONE SEES ME—

153. HOLD THAT THOUGHT!

154. OK, GO AHEAD.

155. OR I'LL BE RUINED LIKE NED. HELP!

156. STAY HERE.

157. A BOY'S FUTURE IS AT STAKE.

158. WE CAN'T LET WHAT HAPPENED TO ME—

159. AND I WAS JUST 5—

160. HAPPEN TO THAT CYBORG TRAPPED IN THE GIRLS ROOM.

161. YOU KNOW YOUR MISSIONS.

162. Ned, MOZE, YOU'RE THE CLOGGER.

163. IT'S A PRESSURIZED SYSTEM,

164. SO PLUG 5 TIMES AND GET OUT OF THERE.

165. LIFT YOUR FEET!

166. I'LL BE THE TRIGGER.

167. I WALK INTO THE WATER, THEN WARN THE NEAREST TEACHER.

168. OH!

169. DIRTY WATER!

170. GORDY! IT'S MR. MONROE. COME QUICK!

171. - Ned, - AND, GORDY, YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.

172. YOU'RE FAST, REALLY FAST.

173. YES, SIR, I'M FAST.

174. STAND BACK.

175. LET A PROFESSIONAL HANDLE THIS.

176. UH, DON'T WORRY. I'LL HAVE THE NIGHT GUY CLEAN THAT UP LATER.

177. STAND BACK!

178. IT MIGHT BREAK FREE AND ATTACK.

179. OH, YOU THINK SO, HUH?

180. YES!

181. - Ned, - SO COOKIE MADE IT OUT ALIVE AND UNSEEN BY ANYONE.

182. AND LATER, I WAITED AFTER SCHOOL TO MEET MY ADMIRER.

183. HI, NED.

184. LIPSTICK... GOOD COLOR. HA HA!

185. REALLY?

186. OH, I BORROWED IT IN THE BATHROOM TODAY.

187. YOU BORROWED IT? FROM WHO? WHO?

188. THE HUGE CREW.

189. HEY, NED.

190. WAIT!

191. I TOLD HIM HE WAS GONNA GET HURT.

192. YOUR FIRST CLASS

193. MUMMIFICATION

194. AND ANCIENT EGYPTIAN BURIAL RIGHTS.

195. I KNOW, IT'S HARD TO CONTAIN YOURSELVES.

196. ONE MORE FUN THING, YOU GET TO CHOOSE

197. YOUR OWN PROJECT PARTNERS.

198. PROJECT PARTNERS, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE YOU MAKE BEFORE MARRIAGE

199. AND POSSIBLY MORE IMPORTANT

200. BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO GET GRADED.

201. BUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT,

202. GET TO KNOW THE 3 TYPES OF PROJECT PARTNERS.

203. DO YOU, JENNIFER ANN MOSLEY,

204. TAKE THIS SMART AND SQUIRRELY KID TO BE YOUR PROJECT PARTNER?

205. DO YOU PROMISE TO LET HIM DO ALL THE WORK AND GET AN "A,"

206. BUT NOW HE'LL THINK YOU'RE BEST FRIENDS AND CLING TO YOU LIKE A LOST PUPPY?

207. I DON'T.

208. DO YOU TAKE THIS RELIABLE FRIEND TO BE YOUR PROJECT PARTNER,

209. TO SHARE THE WORK EVENLY AND MAYBE HAVE A FEW LAUGHS ALONG THE WAY?

210. OR DO YOU TAKE THIS TOTAL HOTTIE WHO'LL MAKE YOU DO ALL THE WORK,

211. BUT YOU COULD STARE AT HIM ALL DAY?

212. I DO.

213. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU PROJECT PARTNERS.

214. YOU PICKED SETH POWERS.

215. YOU'RE GOING TO DO ALL THE WORK.

216. WRONG.

217. PLUS HE'S A HOTTIE.

218. IF YOU WANTED A HOTTIE, WHY NOT PICK DOUG SECKSAY?

219. HEY, DOUG!

220. TOO HOT. CAN'T GET NEAR HIM.

221. ALWAYS PICK THE RELIABLE FRIEND PARTNER,

222. LIKE ME AND COOKIE IN LIFE SCIENCE.

223. HE'S RELIABLE, TRUSTWORTHY,

224. AND GREAT WITH THE BABY.

225. I LOST THE BABY!

226. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST THE BABY?

227. ONE MINUTE BABY, THEN—

228. NO BABY. BABY GONE.

229. OK, MOTHERS, CALM DOWN.

230. TRY TO REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE YOU HAD IT.

231. YOU GET JENNIFER MOSLEY TO BE MY PROJECT PARTNER

232. FOR THE EGYPT THING,

233. AND YOU'LL GET YOUR BABY BACK.

234. OH!

235. HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT?

236. I REPRESSED IT. IT WAS TRAUMATIC.

237. IT'S A VERY NORMAL RESPONSE.

238. WHY WOULD LOOMER WANT TO BE PARTNERS WITH ME?

239. HE SAID YOU WERE A HOTTIE.

240. WAIT A MINUTE!

241. WE'LL GET THE BABY BACK AS SOON AS MOZE TELLS LOOMER

242. SHE'LL AGREE TO BE HIS PARTNER.

243. WHAT'S PLAN "B"?

244. WE NEED THE BABY FOR SEVENTH PERIOD.

245. WHAT WOULD LOOMER DO WITH A DOLL?

246. "MAKE MOSLEY MY PARTNER OR YOU'LL NEVER SEE BABY AGAIN.

247. I BEAT YOU UP AT 3:30 ON FRIDAY."

248. GREAT, MONROE IS GOING TO BUST US FOR LOSING THE BABY

249. AND WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

250. ARE YOU CRYING?

251. I WAS JUST THINKING OF ALL THE SPECIAL TIMES WE HAD...

252. WITH THE BABY.

253. COME ON!

254. HI, SETH!

255. UM, SO, I THOUGHT WE COULD BUILD A SARCOPHAGUS,

256. BUT PUT A MUMMY INSIDE, DON'T TELL ANYONE, AND THEN—

257. YOU'RE NOT DONE WITH IT YET?

258. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WORK ON IT TOGETHER.

259. AND YOUR POINT IS...

260. GUYS!

261. WHERE'S YOUR BABY?

262. SHH! SHE WAS UP ALL NIGHT WITH A FEVER.

263. SHE'S CAUGHT A CHILL.

264. EXCEPT ON HER LEG.

265. HMM.

266. AH, DON'T!

267. GERMS.

268. WOW! THE INTENSITY OF YOUR PARENTING IS NOT ONLY VERY IMPRESSIVE,

269. BUT IT'S ALSO A LITTLE SCARY.

270. OK, CLASS,

271. MONDAY, I'M GOING TO GIVE THE BABIES A FULL EXAM,

272. AND I'M GOING TO BASE THE BULK OF THE FIRST QUARTER GRADE ON IT.

273. WON'T THAT BE FUN!

274. OK, PUT YOUR BABIES DOWN.

275. OK, YOUNG PEOPLE,

276. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION

277. THAT YOU'RE HAVING SOME PROJECT PARTNER PROBLEMS.

278. HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

279. HE JUST LIES AROUND STUDY HALL ALL DAY

280. AND DOESN'T LISTEN OR CARE.

281. ALL SHE DOES IS NAG.

282. "WE HAVE TO PICK A TOPIC.

283. THE PROJECT IS DUE ON FRIDAY."

284. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.

285. THE PROJECT IS DUE ON FRIDAY,

286. AND YOU DO HAVE TO PICK A TOPIC.

287. SHE WON'T EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I WANT TO DO THE PROJECT ON.

288. OK, NOW WE HAVE ROOM FOR COMPROMISE.

289. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THE PROJECT ON?

290. ANCIENT EGYPTIAN...

291. BASKETBALL. HUH? UH-HUH!

292. BASKETBALL WAS INVENTED IN 1891 BY DR. JAMES NAISMITH.

293. FINE. TAKE HER SIDE.

294. SEE WHAT I'M DEALING WITH?

295. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU NEVER LISTEN.

296. THIS BABY CLASS,

297. IF WE HAVE NO BABY, WE'LL GET AN "F."

298. AND WORSE THAN THAT, IT MEANS WE'RE NOT VERY GOOD PARENTS.

299. I DON'T KNOW. USUALLY SOMETHING HITS ME.

300. - OH! - OW!

301. "YOU GET YOUR BABY BACK PIECE BY PIECE UNTIL JENNIFER IS MY PARTNER."

302. NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

303. NOTHING.

304. DON'T YOU SEE?

305. LOOMER IS GOING TO KEEP SENDING US BABY PARTS.

306. IF WE HOLD OUT LONG ENOUGH,

307. WE'LL HAVE THE WHOLE THING.

308. ONCE LOOMER GIVES US THE HEAD ON MONDAY,

309. WE'LL HAVE IT ALL.

310. LOOMER'S SO DUMB.

311. OH, GUYS! I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

312. I HAVE A TEACHER'S CONFERENCE MONDAY,

313. SO THE BABY INSPECTION WILL BE TODAY.

314. WON'T THAT BE FUN!

315. AAH!

316. OH, I MEAN, AH, HA HA!

317. IT WILL BE FUN. HA HA!

318. YEAH. YEAH.

319. HEY, DOUG!

320. NO LOOMER IS MY PARTNER.

321. I THINK SETH REALLY FEELS COMMITTED TO MY MUMMY IDEA NOW.

322. PLEASE!

323. WE'RE GOING TO FAIL IF WE SHOW UP WITH BABY NO-HEAD.

324. YOU KNOW CRYING DOESN'T WORK ON ME.

325. FINE. RIGHT, I FORGOT.

326. JENNIFER ANN MOSLEY, CLAIRE SAWYER, FUTURE LAWYER.

327. CLAIRE, I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE PRE-K.

328. I REPRESENT SETH POWERS.

329. SETH CLAIMS IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES

330. IN YOUR PROJECT PARTNERSHIP

331. AND IS SEEKING A DIVORCE.

332. HE'S LEAVING ME? FOR WHO?

333. MARTIN QWERLY.

334. HIS PROJECT WAS ALREADY DONE,

335. AND HE LET SETH PUT HIS NAME ON IT.

336. YOU ARE NOW FREE TO PURSUE OTHER PARTNERS.

337. BUT CHANCES OF FINDING ONE THIS LATE

338. ARE ZERO AND NONE. GOOD DAY.

339. - Ned, - CHANCES ARE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO DO

340. A PROJECT PARTNER FOR A DOLL HEAD EXCHANGE,

341. BUT IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE THE TERMS ARE CLEAR.

342. DO YOU GUYS HAVE HALL PASSES?

343. OK, GREAT.

344. SHOW ME THE HEAD.

345. SHOW ME MY PROJECT PARTNER.

346. ONLY IF YOU AGREE TO DO EVERYTHING I TELL YOU.

347. BE A GOOD BABY HEAD.

348. UNCLE BILLY'S GONNA MISS YOU.

349. YES, HE IS.

350. COME ON!

351. THE PROJECT'S DUE SEVENTH PERIOD.

352. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

353. I'LL SEE YOU 3:30 FOR YOUR BEATING.

354. BUT NO, BUT YOU—

355. YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT PART OF THE DEAL. HA HA HA!

356. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS USE A LAWYER.

357. WELL, AT LEAST WE'LL ACE THIS CLASS.

358. OH! ARE THESE TEETH MARKS?

359. OH, THAT'S WHEN NED BIT IT WHEN IT WAS IN THE SANDWICH—

360. OH!

361. A BABY SANDWICH!

362. SO, THANKS TO US,

363. COOPERATIVE AND COMPLETELY COMMITTED TO THE PROJECT.

364. PRESERVED IN SARCOPHAGI SUCH AS THIS.

365. SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THEY NEVER ACTUALLY DIED.

366. RAAH!

367. PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC.

368. RUN!

369. RAAH!

370. SAVE YOURSELVES!

371. WE GOT AN "A."

372. WHY DO YOU LOOK SO BAD?

373. WE GOT A "C."

374. AND NOW WE HAVE TO ATTEND ALTERNATIVE FAMILY COUNSELING.

375. RAAH! MMPH. MMPH.

376. AND NOW LOOMER'S GOING TO KILL US!

377. WHOA! MUMMY!

378. PROTECT THE WOMEN!

379. MMPH.

380. I'M LOOMER. I'M A MUMMY.

381. DON'T WORRY.

382. HE'S WELL PADDED.

383. SO, REMEMBER, WHEN IT COMES TO PROJECT PARTNERSHIPS,

384. IT'S ALL ABOUT TEAMWORK.

385. WAIT UP!

386. NED, RUN!

387. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND NICKELODEON

388. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE —www.ncicap.org—