Nathan For You 1x3

1. - WELL, NOT TO BE TOO FORWARD,

2. BUT I WOULD LOVE TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR WILL.

3. - I DON'T KNOW.

4. - MY NAME IS NATHAN FIELDER,

5. AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE OF CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS

6. WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES.

7. NOW I'M USING MY KNOWLEDGE

8. TO HELP STRUGGLING SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS MAKE IT

9. IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD.

10. THIS...

11. IS NATHAN FOR YOU.

12. FASHION IS A MULTI-BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY,

13. BUT SADLY, OUR OBSESSION WITH CLOTHING OFTEN MEANS

14. THAT PEOPLE WILL GO AS FAR AS STEALING

15. JUST TO GET THEIR HANDS ON THAT HOT NEW STYLE.

16. AND NO ONE KNOWS THIS BETTER THAN GABRIELLE ROMERO,

17. MANAGER OF HARDWEAR CLOTHING

18. IN LARCHMONT VILLAGE, CALIFORNIA.

19. - OFTENTIMES WHEN SHOPLIFTING, THEY COME IN TEAMS,

20. USUALLY MORE THAN ONE PERSON,

21. USUALLY ABOUT THREE PEOPLE.

22. - IT'S THE REAL DARK SIDE OF RUNNING A CLOTHING STORE,

23. BUT OFTEN IN BUSINESS, A NEGATIVE LIKE THIS

24. CAN ACTUALLY BE TURNED INTO A POSITIVE.

25. AND THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

26. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE TRICKS PEOPLE DO

27. TO STEAL STUFF?

28. - UM, DEFINITELY, THEY C— THEY TRAVEL IN PACKS.

29. - SORRY, YOU WERE LOOKING AT MY HAT.

30. - OH, IT'S OKAY. - OH, OKAY. IS IT—

31. IS IT OK— IS IT WEIRD, OR—

32. - NO. YOUR HAT? - I DON'T NORMALLY WEAR...

33. - NO, IT LOOKS GOOD.

34. - THIS TYPE OF HAT. - I LIKE IT.

35. - OH, IT'S OKAY. I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR IT.

36. - OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

37. - BETTER? - SORRY, YEAH.

38. SO WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT SHOPLIFTING?

39. - I DON'T REMEMBER. IT HAPPENS.

40. - BUT MAYBE SHOPLIFTING ISN'T SUCH A BAD THING.

41. YOU SEE, IN FASHION, GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE

42. ARE TRENDSETTERS.

43. SO RATHER THAN TRYING TO STOP ALL SHOPLIFTERS,

44. HARDWEAR CAN BENEFIT BY LETTING ATTRACTIVE THIEVES

45. GO FREE,

46. BECAUSE IF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE WEAR IT,

47. THEIR LESS ATTRACTIVE FRIENDS WILL COME AND BUY IT.

48. - OH.

49. OKAY.

50. - WHAT—WHAT DO YOU THINK?

51. - SO WE JUST WAIT FOR AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON

52. TO COME IN?

53. DO I HAVE TO THINK THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE?

54. WHO'S THE JUDGE?

55. - WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DECIDE.

56. - OKAY. OKAY.

57. - I NEEDED TO PROVE TO GABRIELLE THAT THIS WOULD WORK,

58. SO FIRST, I HAD HER AND HER STAFF

59. EACH COME UP WITH A LIST OF TRAITS

60. THAT THEY FIND ATTRACTIVE.

61. THEN LATER, I COMPILED ALL THE TRAITS

62. INTO A MASTER LIST.

63. NOW I NEEDED SOMEONE TO ENFORCE IT,

64. SO I HIRED A SECURITY GUARD.

65. SIMON? - HI, GOOD TO MEET YOU.

66. - THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT. - OKAY.

67. - SO WE'RE DOING THIS THING HERE

68. WHERE WE'RE ALLOWING PEOPLE TO SHOPLIFT ONE ITEM,

69. BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE.

70. - OKAY. - SO THE STAFF AND I

71. CAME UP WITH A LIST OF, UH, SOME TRAITS

72. THAT QUALIFY A PERSON AS ATTRACTIVE.

73. - RIGHT.

74. - SO, BASICALLY, IF SOMEONE MEETS

75. ALL THESE TRAITS,

76. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALLOWED TO SHOPLIFT.

77. OTHERWISE, YOU HAVE TO STOP THEM.

78. - OKAY. - OKAY.

79. YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, THINGS LIKE "BIG PENIS"

80. JUST APPLY TO MEN.

81. - RIGHT.

82. - WITH EVERYTHING IN PLACE,

83. WE WERE READY TO OPEN OUR DOORS TO CUSTOMERS.

84. THE NORMAL TRAFFIC WAS COMING IN,

85. BUT I REALIZED THAT PEOPLE WERE MISSING THE SIGN OUT FRONT.

86. SO JUST TO BE SAFE, I WENT UP TO EACH PERSON

87. AND TOLD THEM ABOUT THE PROMOTION.

88. WE'RE DOING A SPECIAL PROMOTION TODAY

89. WHERE ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO STEAL ONE ITEM.

90. TO SHOPLIFT ONE ITEM.

91. - YOU WORK HERE?

92. - I'M REPRESENTING THE BUSINESS.

93. - WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME TO STEAL SOMETHING?

94. - IT'S A SPECIAL PROMOTION. - OKAY.

95. - IT WAS WORKING GREAT, AS SEVERAL WOMEN

96. WERE SHOPLIFTING ITEMS.

97. - BUT ACCORDING TO SIMON,

98. THE FIRST FEW WOMEN JUST DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT.

99. - SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR THE ITEM.

100. - IT WAS STRANGE BECAUSE THESE WOMEN WERE ATTRACTIVE,

101. BUT THEN I BEGAN TO SUSPECT THAT OUR SECURITY GUARD

102. ONLY CARED ABOUT ONE THING.

103. - HAVE A GOOD DAY. - THANK YOU, YOU TOO.

104. - WHAT DID YOU THINK OF HER?

105. - SHE WAS, UH, SHE WAS RATHER PRETTY.

106. - WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT HER THE MOST?

107. - UH, HER FIGURE.

108. SHE HAD, YOU KNOW, A PRETTY—PRETTY GOOD BUILD.

109. - OH. DO YOU LIKE THAT?

110. - YES.

111. - WAIT, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

112. - UM, YOU KNOW, THE WAY HER—

113. THE WAY HER B— HER CHEST WAS.

114. - IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT THE MOST?

115. - UM, YEAH. AND ALSO SHE WAS—

116. HER F—HER FACE WAS SORT OF PRETTY,

117. BUT, YOU KNOW, NOT— NOT, LIKE, TOTALLY PRETTY.

118. - THE PART YOU LIKED WAS— - YEAH.

119. IT WAS— - YEAH.

120. - YEAH.

121. - BIG BOOBS WASN'T ON THE LIST.

122. AND CLEARLY, SIMON HAD AN OBSESSION.

123. AND AFTER STOPPING SEVERAL MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

124. WITH MODEST CHESTS...

125. - YOU HAVE TO—YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL YOUR ITEMS.

126. - OKAY. - I HAD TO INTERVENE.

127. LET'S SAY THERE'S NO LIST. YOU JUST SEE HER ON THE STREET.

128. WHAT DO YOU— WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?

129. - SHE IS SOMEWHAT PRETTY,

130. BUT SHE COULD BE PRETTIER.

131. - AND WHAT WOULD MAKE HER PRETTIER?

132. - UH, TO LET HER HAIR DOWN AND, YOU KNOW...

133. MAYBE SMI— - AND WHAT WAS THAT?

134. YOU DID THAT AFTER. TO LET HER HAIR DOWN AND WHAT?

135. "AND, YOU KNOW—"

136. I HAD TO TAKE SIMON ASIDE.

137. SO YOU'RE SAYING DOUBLE "D" BREASTS

138. ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOU?

139. - IT'S GOTTA BE— IT'S GOTTA BE SUBSTANTIAL.

140. - ALL RIGHT.

141. ALL RIGHT, WELL, STICK TO THE LIST THEN, FOR NOW.

142. - ALL RIGHT, I'LL STICK TO THE LIST.

143. - THANKS. - YEAH.

144. - WITH SIMON BACK ON TRACK,

145. WE HAD A LOT OF WOMEN SHOPLIFTING.

146. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING

147. UNLESS THEIR FRIENDS ARE ACTUALLY COMING IN

148. TO BUY THE STUFF.

149. SO, TO BE SURE THIS WAS HAPPENING,

150. A WEEK LATER, I USED THE PHONE NUMBER

151. ON THE APPEARANCE RELEASE

152. TO CONTACT ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE SHOPLIFTERS

153. OF THE DAY

154. TO GET PROOF THAT THE CONCEPT WORKED.

155. HI, NATALIE. UH,

156. YOU SHOPLIFTED AN ITEM FROM HARDWEAR, UH, LAST WEEK.

157. IS THAT CORRECT?

158. YES, YES, YOU'RE ALLOWED. YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE.

159. AFTER SOME CONVINCING,

160. SHE AGREED TO MEET WITH ME.

161. I KNEW THAT IF IT DIDN'T WORK WITH HER,

162. IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH ANYONE.

163. WHO ARE— WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

164. - OH, MY FRIENDS—MY FIANCE AND THE GUY I'M STAYING WITH.

165. - OH, OKAY. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

166. SO WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU SHOPLIFTED?

167. - A LITTLE BLACK DRESS,

168. SHORT IN THE FRONT, LONG IN THE BACK,

169. WITH A WHITE SKULL ON IT.

170. - OKAY. - YEAH.

171. - AND HAS ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS SEEN YOU IN IT?

172. - YEAH, THESE GUYS HAVE, BUT NONE OF MY—

173. - ANY GIRLS? - NO.

174. - NO GIRLS. - NO, NO GIRLS.

175. ALL RIGHT, WELL,

176. YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE A FRIEND TO BUY SOMETHING FROM THERE.

177. - OH, THAT—I—

178. NOBODY SAID THAT TO ME.

179. - WELL, YOU KIND OF HAVE TO.

180. YOU KNOW, I—

181. I'D HATE TO SHOW THE POLICE THAT FOOTAGE

182. OF YOU STEALING.

183. - OKAY, WELL, I CAN TRY,

184. AND IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING,

185. I'LL GIVE YOU THE DRESS BACK.

186. HEY, JULIE, HOW ARE YOU?

187. - I'M A NICE GUY. - I'VE GOTTA SHOW YOU

188. THIS REALLY CUTE LITTLE OUTFIT.

189. - NATALIE'S FRIEND AGREED TO MEET HER AT HARDWEAR.

190. BUT JUST TO GUARANTEE IT WOULD WORK,

191. BEFORE SHE ARRIVED, I GAVE HER A HIDDEN EARPIECE

192. SO I COULD TELL HER WHAT TO SAY.

193. HOT DOG.

194. - GOT IT. - WHAT'D I SAY?

195. - HOT DOG. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

196. - HI. - HI, HOW ARE YOU?

197. - MWAH. GOOD, THANKS.

198. DO YOU LIKE IT?

199. - YEAH, I LOVE IT. - NICE.

200. - HI, LADIES.

201. - HELLO.

202. - ASK HER IF SHE LIKES WEARING SKULLS.

203. - DO YOU LIKE SKULLS?

204. - YEAH, I LOVE SKULLS. - YOU DO?

205. - YEAH.

206. - EVERYONE'S WEARING SKULLS.

207. - EVERYONE'S WEARING SKULLS.

208. WE MUST FIND SOMETHING WITH SKULLS ON IT FOR YOU.

209. - THESE WERE ALL DESIGNED BY GERALDO RIVERA.

210. - THESE WERE ALL DESIGNED BY GERALDO RIVERA.

211. - OH, YEAH? - YEAH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

212. OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

213. - MAKE HER BUY THE SHIRT.

214. - I THINK YOU SHOULD BUY IT NOW.

215. - YEAH? - YEAH.

216. - $79.33.

217. - AND WITH THOSE FEW LITTLE WORDS...

218. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

219. - THE STRENGTH OF MY CONCEPT WAS UNDENIABLE.

220. - SEE YOU LATER. THANK YOU.

221. - AND LATER THAT DAY, I PAID GABRIELLE A VISIT

222. TO ACCEPT MY WELL-DESERVED PRAISE.

223. HOW'S BUSINESS?

224. - UH, BUSINESS IS GOOD.

225. - GOOD. - YEAH.

226. - SO, JUST WONDERING, HAS ANYONE, UH,

227. COME IN BECAUSE OF AN ITEM

228. THEIR FRIEND SHOPLIFTED OR ANYTHING?

229. - YEAH, ACTUALLY, ONE— ONE GIRL DID COME BACK.

230. - REALLY? - YEAH, SHE BROUGHT A FRIEND.

231. - OH, MY GOD. - YEAH, YEAH.

232. - HUH.

233. - HER FRIEND BOUGHT A TOP.

234. - SO IT WORKED. - I MEAN,

235. IT'S JUST ONE.

236. - HUH.

237. - BUT IT'S NOT GUARANTEED TO CONTINUALLY WORK.

238. - HUH.

239. BUT IT DID WORK.

240. - YEAH, IT WORKED WITH THE ONE, LIKE I SAID.

241. - HUH. - BUT IT JUST SEEMS LIKE

242. KIND OF A RISK, MORE THAN—

243. - HMM. - MM-HMM.

244. - HUH.

245. ALL RIGHT, UM— - IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

246. - WELL, GOOD LUCK... - THANK YOU.

247. WITH YOUR BUSINESS, GABRIELLE.

248. - THANK YOU.

249. - I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK. - THANK YOU.

250. - OKAY. - SEE YOU LATER.

251. - WHOOP.

252. FROM DOING THIS SHOW,

253. ONE OF THE MOST COMMON QUESTIONS I GET IS,

254. "HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH YOUR IDEAS?"

255. THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE— RESEARCH.

256. WHEN I WANT TO GET A SNEAK PEEK AT A BUSINESS,

257. I'LL OFTEN GO AHEAD OF TIME IN DISGUISE.

258. THIS ALLOWS ME TO TAKE A QUICK LOOK

259. AT HOW THE PLACE IS RUN

260. AND HELPS ME COME UP WITH IDEAS.

261. BUT IF I WANT TO OBSERVE A BUSINESS

262. FOR A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION,

263. I'LL USE THE LIBRARIAN'S QUEST.

264. DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE A BORING '80s ARCADE GAME,

265. THE BODY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY GUTTED OUT

266. AND REBUILT TO FIT A MAN OF MY PROPORTIONS.

267. TO GET INSIDE THE BUSINESS,

268. I HAVE MY CREW SAY THEY'RE A MOVING COMPANY

269. WHOSE TRUCK BROKE DOWN.

270. - HEY, DO YOU MIND

271. IF WE JUST KEEP THIS HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES?

272. OUR TRUCK BROKE DOWN.

273. - MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, STORE EMPLOYEES

274. WILL AGREE TO LET THEM LEAVE THE GAME,

275. ALLOWING ME TO SECRETLY OBSERVE

276. HOW THE BUSINESS IS RUN WHEN THEY THINK

277. NO ONE IS WATCHING.

278. BECAUSE I'M OFTEN IN THERE FOR LONG STRETCHES,

279. THE GAME'S POWER CORD IS CONVENIENTLY A STRAW,

280. WHICH ENABLES MY CREW TO DISCREETLY DROP OFF DRINKS

281. TO KEEP ME HYDRATED.

282. AND WITH AN EXORBITANT PRICE AND BORING MOVES,

283. I CAN ALSO FEEL SAFE THAT NO ONE WILL TRY TO PLAY IT.

284. THEN, WHEN I'VE SEEN ENOUGH,

285. MY CREW COMES BACK AND RETRIEVES ME.

286. - THANKS AGAIN. - OH, NO PROBLEM.

287. - BYE. - THANKS.

288. - IT MAY SEEM LIKE A LONG WAY TO GO

289. JUST FOR RESEARCH,

290. BUT IT WAS THIS EXACT METHOD THAT HELPED ME

291. COME UP WITH MY IDEA FOR BILLY'S DELI.

292. SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA,

293. RESTAURATEUR GLORIA PIKE IS SICK AND TIRED

294. OF HER DINER BEING EMPTY.

295. - THE ECONOMY OR SOMETHING AFFECTING A LITTLE BIT.

296. BUT LITTLE BIT, KIND OF SLOW.

297. - PRIOR TO MY VISIT, I USED THE ARCADE GAME

298. TO OBSERVE BILLY'S DELI.

299. SURPRISINGLY, I SAW NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BUSINESS

300. OR THE FOOD.

301. BUT AFTER BEING IN THERE FOR SO LONG,

302. I REALLY HAD TO GO PEE,

303. AND IT WAS ONLY ONCE I TRIED TO USE THE BATHROOM

304. AT SOME OF THE NEIGHBORING BUSINESSES...

305. HEY, DO YOU GUYS HAVE A BATHROOM I COULD USE?

306. THAT I REALIZED THERE WAS A HUGE OPPORTUNITY FOR BILLY'S.

307. SO WHILE I WAS HIDING IN THE ARCADE GAME,

308. I NOTICED THAT YOU GUYS HAVE A STRICT

309. "BATHROOMS FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY" POLICY.

310. - MM-HMM. - AND FOR THAT,

311. I CONGRATULATE YOU.

312. - THANK YOU. - CONGRATULATIONS...

313. ON LOSING MONEY.

314. - LOSING MONEY?

315. AN "ANYONE CAN USE OUR BATHROOM" POLICY.

316. IN AN AREA WHERE BATHROOMS ARE SCARCE,

317. BILLY'S HAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ATTRACT

318. A SLEW OF BATHROOM-GOERS THAT CAN THEN BE CONVERTED

319. TO CUSTOMERS.

320. ONCE THEY USE THE BATHROOM,

321. THEN WE SELL THEM ON EATING HERE.

322. - MM-HMM.

323. - YOU GUYS COULD BECOME

324. THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOILET.

325. - YEAH, I GUESS IT'S GOOD IDEA.

326. - AND WHERE BETTER TO MARKET TO THEM

327. THAN WHERE WE HAVE THEIR COMPLETE, UNDIVIDED ATTENTION?

328. WE PUT TOGETHER A SHORT COMMERCIAL

329. FEATURING GLORIA,

330. AND ONCE IT WAS DONE,

331. I INSTALLED MOTION-ACTIVATED MONITORS

332. IN EVERY BATHROOM STALL AND URINAL AT BILLY'S.

333. WITH THE AD IN PLACE,

334. IT WAS TIME TO START SPREADING THE WORD

335. THAT BILLY'S BATHROOMS WERE FOR EVERYONE.

336. THE WINDOW SIGNS WOULD WORK GREAT FOR PASSERS-BY,

337. BUT I ALSO WANTED TO SPREAD AWARENESS

338. TO OTHER BUSINESSES IN THE AREA.

339. SO IF YOU HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS THAT NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM,

340. YOU CAN SEND THEM TO BILLY'S DOWN THE BLOCK.

341. - OH, OKAY.

342. - NOW I WAS READY TO CONVINCE PEOPLE

343. WHO CAME FOR THE BATHROOM

344. TO STAY FOR THE FOOD.

345. HI, THERE.

346. ARE YOU HERE TO USE THE BATHROOM?

347. OH, TO EAT? OKAY. - YEAH.

348. - ARE YOU HERE TO USE THE BATHROOM?

349. HERE TO EAT.

350. THREE? - YES.

351. - FOR THE BATHROOM OR FOR A TABLE?

352. OKAY, UM, YEAH, SHE CAN HELP YOU.

353. AT FIRST, IT WAS LOOKING LIKE MY SIGNS WEREN'T WORKING,

354. BUT THEN THE BATHROOM CROWD STARTED TO ARRIVE.

355. HI.

356. FOR THE RESTROOM? - YEAH.

357. YES, IT'S RIGHT AT THE BACK. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

358. - OKAY.

359. - THEY WERE ABOUT TO SEE OUR COMMERCIAL,

360. AND I WANTED TO SHOW GLORIA THEIR REACTIONS.

361. SO IT'S NOT ENTIRELY LEGAL,

362. BUT WE SET UP A COUPLE HIDDEN CAMERAS

363. INSIDE THE BATHROOM.

364. I'LL JUST NEED TO GET PEOPLE TO SIGN A RELEASE

365. CONSENTING TO THE USE OF THE FOOTAGE

366. ONCE THEY GET OUT,

367. WHICH I DON'T FORESEE BEING AN ISSUE.

368. - HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

369. WELCOME TO BILLY'S.

370. PLEASE ENJOY THIS MESSAGE.

371. - YOU MAY NOT BE A CUSTOMER,

372. BUT AT BILLY'S, YOU'RE STILL WELCOME

373. TO USE THE BATHROOM.

374. AND WHILE YOU'RE DOING YOUR THING,

375. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU A BIT ABOUT OUR THING—

376. MAKING DELICIOUS FOOD.

377. JUST LOOK AT THESE FINE DISHES.

378. YOU CAN ALMOST SMELL THE QUALITY FOOD,

379. MADE FROM THE FINEST INGREDIENTS AVAILABLE,

380. LIKE OUR FAMOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH,

381. FRESH COBB SALAD,

382. OR OUR RICH HOMEMADE CHILI.

383. MM-MM, LOOK AT THAT CHILI.

384. PEOPLE COME FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

385. TO EAT AT BILLY'S.

386. SO WHY NOT STICK AROUND FOR A MINUTE?

387. YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

388. - BILLY'S DELI, YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TOILET.

389. - NOW I NEEDED TO SEE IF THE COMMERCIAL

390. DID ITS JOB.

391. ARE YOU HUNGRY?

392. - UH, A LITTLE BIT.

393. - SO WE HAVE A FULL MENU. - YEAH.

394. - YOU CAN LOOK AT THAT.

395. ALSO, UH, WE NEED YOU TO SIGN, UH,

396. IF YOU WOULD, A-AN APPEARANCE RELEASE.

397. WE WERE FILMING YOU IN THE BATHROOM

398. WITH A HIDDEN CAMERA... - OH, REALLY?

399. - TO SHOW THE CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE.

400. - WHICH PART OF ME WAS BEING FILMED?

401. - JUST YOU WATCHING THE VIDEO.

402. - OH, OKAY, BECAUSE I'M USING THE RESTROOM.

403. SO I'M WONDERING WHAT PART OF IT—

404. - YEAH, YOUR PRIVATE PARTS WON'T BE SHOWN.

405. - OH, OKAY.

406. - YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU GUYS

407. ARE GOING TO FILM. YOU DIDN'T.

408. NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DELETE THIS THING.

409. AND I DON'T CARE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO USE.

410. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

411. - THE IMPORTANT THING IS— I JUST WANT TO KNOW—

412. - THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME.

413. - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA EAT TODAY AT BILLY'S, BECAUSE—

414. - AND IT'S A— YOU'RE PLAYING

415. REALLY A DANGEROUS GAME RIGHT NOW.

416. - OKAY, I'M SORRY.

417. WE WERE FILMING YOU

418. WHILE YOU WERE USING THE BATHROOM.

419. - OH, OKAY.

420. - SO WE NEED TO, UH, GET YOU TO SIGN

421. THIS RELEASE SO WE CAN USE THE FOOTAGE

422. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

423. - OH. - IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

424. - SURE. - IS THAT OKAY?

425. - OKAY, YEAH, SURE. - OKAY, THANKS SO MUCH.

426. I MEAN, IT BASICALLY SAYS WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT

427. WITH THE FOOTAGE AND USE IT FOR ANYTHING.

428. - OH, OKAY, RIGHT. - OKAY.

429. FOR THE MOST PART,

430. THE IN-BATHROOM FILMING WASN'T A PROBLEM,

431. AND PEOPLE WERE HAPPY TO SIGN THE RELEASE.

432. AND I WAS SO EXCITED TO SHOW GLORIA MY RESULTS.

433. THIS MAN...

434. YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE BATHROOM.

435. - MM-HMM. - NOW LOOK OVER THERE.

436. - UH-HUH. - HE'S EATING.

437. - OH, YEAH.

438. - SEE THIS MAN HERE? - THIS MAN, MM-HMM.

439. - HE'S AT THE URINAL. - MM-HMM.

440. - LOOK RIGHT THERE.

441. - UH-HUH. - HE'S EATING A MEAL.

442. - YES, MM-HMM. - PRETTY AMAZING.

443. - UH-HUH, THAT'S GOOD. - MY IDEA WAS A SUCCESS.

444. EVERYTHING GOOD? UP TO YOUR STANDARDS?

445. GOOD.

446. AND SEEING THAT SMILE ON GLORIA'S FACE

447. MADE IT ALL WORTH IT FOR ME.

448. WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING?

449. - I MEAN, WE'VE WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH THIS WEEK, RIGHT?

450. - UH-HUH, YES. - AND IN A WAY,

451. YOU PROBABLY SEE ME AS A SON.

452. I MEAN, WE'RE KIND OF LIKE FAMILY.

453. I'M LIKE YOUR SON.

454. - YES, IT'S LIKE THAT. - YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

455. - YES. - YES.

456. - WELL, NOT TO BE TOO FORWARD,

457. BUT I WOULD LOVE TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR WILL.

458. - I DON'T KNOW.

459. - YOU THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU—

460. - UM...

461. - YOUR DAUGHTER?

462. OF COURSE, SHE HAS TO COME FIRST.

463. - SHE IS STARTING. SHE'S YOUNG.

464. - MAYBE? YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT? - YEAH, YES.

465. - OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO THINK.

466. I DON'T WANT TO PRESSURE YOU. - OKAY.

467. - I'M VERY EXCITED. - OKAY.

468. - I MEAN, I MIGHT BE THE NEW OWNER.

469. - I KNOW.

470. - I WAS SO EXCITED,

471. AND I COULDN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT

472. IF I'D BE INCLUDED IN GLORIA'S WILL.

473. - EARLIER TONIGHT,

474. I SHOWED YOU HOW I RESEARCH BUSINESSES,

475. A PROCESS THAT INVOLVES A LOT OF WAITING AND WATCHING.

476. IT CAN BE KIND OF TEDIOUS,

477. SO I'D BEEN THINKING OF GETTING SOMEONE

478. TO HELP ME OUT,

479. AND I RECENTLY MET SOMEONE

480. WHO BASICALLY WATCHES BUSINESSES FOR A LIVING.

481. SO I CALLED SIMON INTO MY OFFICE

482. TO SEE IF HE'D BE WILLING TO TAKE ON

483. A SECOND JOB.

484. I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HELP OUT

485. WITH SOME OF THE RESEARCHING TASKS...

486. - OH, OKAY. - OF MY SHOW.

487. DO YOU THINK THAT'S YOUR SKILL SET?

488. - UH, YES.

489. - NOW, I DO KNOW YOU HAVE A VICE.

490. - MM-HMM. - RIGHT?

491. - YEAH.

492. - WOMEN WITH—

493. - WITH, UH, WITH—WITH LARGE—

494. LARGE CHESTS, YEAH.

495. - I MEAN, YOU LOVE THAT. - RIGHT.

496. - I MEAN, HOW MUCH?

497. - UM, JUST—I WOULD SAY THAT I DREAM ABOUT IT

498. OR THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW,

499. LIKE, ALMOST EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

500. - WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

501. - I JUST THINK ABOUT, LIKE, FONDLING OR TOUCHING.

502. YEAH.

503. - SO IF I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THIS JOB,

504. I NEED TO KNOW THAT THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE—

505. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET YOURSELF GET DISTRACTED BY THAT.

506. - NO, I WON'T.

507. - OKAY, GREAT. - OKAY. COOL.

508. - LET'S DO IT. - THANKS, NATHAN.

509. - THANKS, SIMON.

510. I TOLD SIMON THAT I WANTED HIM

511. TO COVERTLY RESEARCH A BUSINESS

512. I WAS PLANNING ON HELPING FOR MY SHOW.

513. ALL RIGHT, LET'S LOCK IT UP.

514. WHAT SIMON DIDN'T KNOW

515. IS THAT THIS WAS A TEST.

516. - OH, YOU OKAY?

517. - SORRY. - I'M ALL RIGHT.

518. - I HAD A LOCAL CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER

519. IN ON IT, SO I COULD OBSERVE SIMON

520. AND SEE WHAT HE WOULD DO.

521. OBSERVE THE BUSINESS.

522. LOOK FOR ANY PROBLEMS OR ANYTHING THAT YOU SEE.

523. - RIGHT. - YOU GOT IT?

524. - I GOT IT. - OKAY, THANK YOU.

525. SIMON THOUGHT I WAS JUST DROPPING HIM OFF AND LEAVING,

526. BUT REALLY I HAD A PLAN TO COVERTLY RE-ENTER THE STORE

527. AND WATCH MY TEST UNFOLD.

528. I NEVER REALLY USE IT

529. BECAUSE THE ARCADE IS MORE COMFORTABLE,

530. BUT THIS CUSTOM-MADE CIGAR STORE INDIAN

531. HAS A HOLLOWED-OUT INTERIOR

532. JUST BIG ENOUGH TO FIT MY BODY.

533. AFTER 30 MINUTES IN THE ARCADE,

534. HE SEEMED TO BE DOING GREAT.

535. BUT I WANTED TO TEST SIMON'S FOCUS

536. A PAIR OF HIS COVETED DOUBLE D's.

537. I COULDN'T BLAME SIMON FOR TAKING A PEEK.

538. BUT I WAS PLEASED HE QUICKLY GOT BACK TO HIS DUTIES

539. WITHOUT BLOWING HIS COVER OR MASTURBATING.

540. BUT I HAD ONE MORE TEST IN STORE.

541. I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT SIMON WOULDN'T BLOW HIS COVER

542. EVEN IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

543. - I HAD ONE MORE TEST OF SIMON'S LOYALTY,

544. A LIFE-OR-DEATH SCENARIO

545. PLANNED OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR.

546. - THE LIBRARIAN'S QUEST?

547. I BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

548. - OH, YOU HAVE? - HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR IT?

549. - WELL, COULD I HAVE IT?

550. YEAH?

551. YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIG FOR MY CAR,

552. SO I MIGHT HAVE TO CUT IT IN HALF.

553. DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A SAW?

554. - THERE YOU GO.

555. YEAH.

556. THAT'LL WORK. THANKS. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

557. - GEEZ.

558. TIME TO CUT THIS BABY IN HALF.

559. - UH-HUH.

560. - THANK YOU.

561. THANK YOU.

562. THANK YOU, DON.

563. YEAH, MY PLEASURE, MAN.

564. - ALL RIGHT, THANKS. ALL RIGHT, SIMON?

565. - YEAH. - HOW YOU DOING IN THERE?

566. - I'M OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

567. THAT WAS A TEST, AND YOU PASSED.

568. - OKAY.

569. - SIMON DID AMAZING.

570. ANY OTHER MAN UNDER THAT CIRCUMSTANCE

571. WOULD'VE BLOWN HIS COVER.

572. YOU'RE PROBABLY NERVOUS RIGHT NOW.

573. - OH. - YOU PROBABLY NEED A HUG.

574. - YEAH. - YOU OKAY?

575. - IT'S—IT WAS— IT WAS A LITTLE—

576. IT WAS A LITTLE NERVE-WRACKING, BUT YEAH, I'M OKAY.

577. - WELL, YOU DID GREAT, MAN. - OKAY.

578. - CONGRATS. - COOL. YEAH.

579. ALL RIGHT.

580. - I WAS TRULY IMPRESSED BY SIMON,

581. AND IT FELT GOOD KNOWING I HAD SOMEONE I COULD COUNT ON.

582. UNFORTUNATELY, I COULDN'T SAY THE SAME FOR GLORIA,

583. AS SHE CHOSE NOT TO INCLUDE ME IN HER WILL.

584. - BUT UNLIKE GLORIA, I NEVER FORGET TO REWARD THOSE

585. THAT HELP ME OUT.

586. BECAUSE YOU WERE SO GREAT,

587. I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

588. - OH. - YEAH.

589. - OKAY.

590. - I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEONE.

591. - OKAY.

592. - BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME

593. TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

594. - OKAY. - OKAY?

595. - YES.

596. - TRISHA.

597. - HI. - HI.

598. HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. GOOD.

599. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

600. - NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

601. - VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

602. - YEAH. - YEAH.

603. - WOW.

604. - HEY.

605. - OKAY.

606. - I WAS SO HAPPY FOR SIMON.

607. BUT WHILE I WAS WATCHING HIM CONNECT WITH TRISHA,

608. I COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL JEALOUS

609. BECAUSE I WANTED THAT SAME CONNECTION

610. IN MY OWN LIFE.

611. OH, WELL. MORE BUSINESSES NEXT WEEK.

612. - AB-SO-LUTELY.

613. - MOST OF THE GIRLS I'VE BEEN WITH

614. HAVEN'T BEEN THAT— THAT LARGE.

615. - HAVE YOU EVER TALKED

616. ABOUT ASKING THEM TO GET IMPLANTS OR ANYTHING?

617. - IF WE WERE WATCHING TV AND THERE WAS A TV COMMERCIAL,

618. LIKE, FOR—FOR IMPLANTS, I WOULD SAY,

619. "HEY, LOOK AT THAT," YOU KNOW.

620. "THAT—THAT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD."

621. - AND DID THEY EVER DO IT? - NO.