Nathan For You 3x6

1. - My name is Nathan Fielder,

2. and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools

3. with really good grades.

4. Now I'm using my knowledge

5. to help struggling small business owners make it

6. in this competitive world.

7. This is "Nathan for You."

8. If you're a traveling businessman

9. visiting Pomona, California,

10. chances are you'll stay at the iconic Hilltop Hotel.

11. But recently, hotel manager Kenny Pang

12. has been eager to attract a new type of clientele:

13. families on vacation.

14. - The hotel would like to, you know,

15. get more families to come in because when they—

16. when they come in,

17. they will stay a lot longer than the other guests.

18. - But as far as I'm concerned,

19. if you want to attract families,

20. you have to cater to the needs of the parents.

21. So I paid Kenny a visit with a way to help.

22. When couples stay alone in a hotel,

23. if their relationship's going well,

24. they'll usually have sex, right?

25. That's common sense.

26. - Yeah. But when families travel together,

27. I imagine it's incredibly frustrating for the parents

28. because they're unable to engage in sexual intercourse

29. because their kids are there.

30. You know what?

31. I never, ever really pay attention to this matter.

32. But... it's out there.

33. - Right now, the reason

34. why parents don't want to have sex while on vacation

35. is because their children will see and hear them,

36. leading to permanent developmental damage

37. which can never be repaired.

38. But if the Hilltop Hotel could offer a portable soundproof box

39. that completely isolates the child

40. from his parents' carnal acts,

41. they'd quickly become the top hotel choice

42. for sexually active parents traveling with their children.

43. The plan:

44. - Then, it would still be inside... the room.

45. Is that what you're saying? Oh, sorry.

46. - You know, the best part is kids wouldn't see this

47. as some prison they're forced into.

48. It would be a fun isolation box

49. that kids of all ages would enjoy.

50. - Um...

51. If you put it that way, theoretically, maybe.

52. - Kenny was beginning to see the potential of my idea

53. and even had some suggestions of his own.

54. - Every single thing that kids would love

55. could go into that box.

56. I mean, you know, little flashlights, you know,

57. little stars to, you know, go off at night.

58. - But before committing to anything,

59. he wanted to see a working prototype.

60. So I got to work constructing our first isolation chamber

61. that would be large enough

62. to house a child up to 16 years of age.

63. But since the most important part was the soundproofing,

64. we layered the inside walls

65. with 6 inches of rock wool batting

66. and then added a cork-lined inner chamber

67. with a pressurized seal that would eliminate vibrations.

68. Because the box had to be airtight,

69. I also installed a self-contained breathing system

70. that would pump oxygen in while scrubbing out the CO2

71. so the child wouldn't suffocate.

72. And as a final precaution,

73. I created a rainforest soundscape

74. to play inside the box with custom animal calls

75. that would hopefully camouflage

76. any sex noises that happened to get through.

77. Ooh-ooh-ee-ee-ah-ahh...

78. Ruh-ruh-ah...

79. Oooooooh...

80. With every precaution taken

81. and the box now decorated to make it exciting for kids,

82. it seemed like our prototype was complete.

83. But I knew that if even one sex noise

84. happened to get through to the inside,

85. the Hilltop could be liable for traumatizing an innocent child.

86. So after setting up the box in one of their suites,

87. I hired two pornographic performers

88. to help me test it out under real-life circumstances.

89. Do you normally start, like, kissing a little bit,

90. and then it gets more and more or—

91. - It kind of depends on the scene.

92. I mean, usually, like, sometimes, there's kissing.

93. Sometimes, it just goes straight to blowjob.

94. - Oh, okay. - Yeah.

95. - While Tony and Holly got ready in the bathroom,

96. I brought in our test subject...

97. Hey. - Hi.

98. - How's it going? I'm Nathan. Nice to meet you.

99. An eight-year-old child actor named Bradley.

100. - What the heck?

101. - Pretty cool fort, huh? - Yeah.

102. - Bradley loved the box.

103. And after helping him in and showing him how to alert me

104. in case of an emergency...

105. You see? That light?

106. I sealed him inside the chamber...

107. making sure there was no way he could get out on his own

108. and ruin his innocence.

109. Even though Bradley's parents

110. were fully aware of what was about to happen,

111. they still insisted on being present during the test.

112. So I just want to be clear with you guys.

113. Because this is a test,

114. I'm gonna have the performers go at each other pretty hard.

115. - Okay.

116. - Okay. - And with that,

117. I brought Jurgen and Marie into the room so we could begin.

118. Are you guys ready? - Yeah.

119. - Okay. Whenever you're ready. - Oh, we're ready.

120. - I love you so much, Marie.

121. - Touch me where I like it, Jurgen.

122. - I gave them your names to make it more realistic.

123. - Okay.

124. - Watch and learn, hon.

125. Oh...

126. Oh, you like it when I beg for that,

127. don't you, Jurgen?

128. Ah!

129. - After a few minutes,

130. the real Jurgen and Marie decided to leave the room.

131. - There's an alert button. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

132. Okay. I'll take care of him. - Okay. Thanks.

133. - See you, guys.

134. With Jurgen and Marie gone,

135. I was left to monitor the rest of the test on my own.

136. Oh! Oh!

137. Oh, God, Jurgen!

138. - Once I observed the couple had climaxed,

139. I knew it wasn't gonna get any louder,

140. so I had them finish up

141. and brought in something comfortable for them to put on.

142. And with Holly and Tony out of the room,

143. it's time to see if my box had worked.

144. So what was it like being in outer space?

145. - Fun. - Did you... hear anything?

146. - Animal noises.

147. - Animal noises?

148. Nothing besides that?

149. - No. - Nothing?

150. - Nothing.

151. - My box had passed an initial test.

152. But with a child's mental health on the line,

153. I needed to make sure it held up

154. under even the most extreme circumstances.

155. So to put it through the ultimate stress test,

156. I arranged for an additional five performers

157. to join Tony and Holly for a seven-person orgy.

158. So these are some of my friends here.

159. Just wanna say hi?

160. Hi. - Yeah.

161. - Nice to meet you. - Okay.

162. You know the drill, right? - Yeah.

163. - Blast off.

164. - It was clear that if my box could withstand this,

165. it would hold up in any situation

166. a hotel client might get into.

167. So after the 30-minute group session concluded,

168. I followed up one more time with Bradley.

169. So, uh... how was that?

170. - Awesome.

171. - Did you hear anything strange this time?

172. - No. - Nothing?

173. - Nothing.

174. - It worked. The box was completely soundproof.

175. And that meant I could finally

176. return to Kenny with undeniable proof

177. that the product was ready to be offered to his guests.

178. - Oh, is that—

179. Wow.

180. It looks like a space shuttle.

181. - Oh, God, Jurgen!

182. - So, as you can see,

183. we tested it out in every possible scenario...

184. - Mm-hmm. - From a couple making love

185. to a seven-person group engagement,

186. and there was a child in there the entire time...

187. - Mm-hmm.

188. - Who didn't hear anything.

189. - Mm-hmm. Okay.

190. Wow. Um...

191. Mm...

192. - So I guess we'll leave the box in the lobby,

193. and just let me know if you want to order any more.

194. - Um...

195. Thank you for the offer, but—

196. - You don't have to worry about it—it's my gift to you.

197. We'll just leave it in the lobby.

198. - Uh... all right.

199. Leave it in the lobby, then. Yeah.

200. - In making this show, I'm constantly on the road,

201. driving from location to location.

202. I try to use the time as best I can

203. by catching up on the royalty-free music tracks

204. I'm thinking of using in my show.

205. - But because the traffic is so terrible

206. in Southern California,

207. I often find myself stuck in total gridlock,

208. 'causing me huge delays to wherever I'm going,

209. and in my line of work, being late is not an option.

210. So I recently developed a solution

211. that allows me to be on time no matter how bad traffic gets.

212. Whenever I'm on the road,

213. I make sure to have two interns follow me on a motorcycle.

214. Then, the second I hit any traffic,

215. I give them a signal out my window

216. to approach the side of the car.

217. This is where a switch occurs,

218. as my unpaid intern takes my spot in the car

219. while I quickly mount the back of the motorcycle.

220. And because it's legal to split lanes in California,

221. I'm able to speed through the gridlock

222. and get to where I'm going without any delay whatsoever,

223. leaving my unpaid intern to wait in traffic

224. and eventually deliver my car to my destination.

225. But the more I use the system,

226. the more I notice that others around me

227. looked envious of my ability to avoid traffic,

228. and that's when I realized

229. I might've accidentally stumbled onto

230. a major business opportunity.

231. If I could arrange for hundreds of motorcyclists

232. throughout the city to be on-call

233. to fetch gridlocked drivers at a moment's notice,

234. I'd be able to help everyone avoid traffic,

235. and my gridlock rescue concept could become a national hit.

236. But to do this would take some work,

237. so we'll check back with this in a bit.

238. But first...

239. Rose Ilandrian is a travel agent

240. and the owner of Glendale, California's Travelure By Rose.

241. But in this internet age,

242. she's seen her longstanding business

243. crippled by modern technology.

244. - All of a sudden, internet came

245. and everybody's—they're going directly to the internet.

246. - And because of this, her customers have dwindled

247. to the last holdouts of the information age—

248. the oldest of the old.

249. So I paid Rose a visit with a really good solution.

250. You see, pretty soon, Rose's customers will be so old

251. that the only travel they'll be interested in planning

252. is their trip into the ground.

253. - Oh, no!

254. - So if Rose were to capitalize on her giant rolodex of elders

255. by helping them book their funerals,

256. she'd open up a whole new stream of revenue

257. from coffin sales and grave plots.

258. The plan: for Rose to transition her travel agency

259. into a full-service funeral home.

260. - What are you talking?

261. - I mean, even you acknowledged the business is gonna die.

262. - Yes. - Travel agents

263. aren't gonna be around much longer.

264. - My opinion.

265. - Your opinion? - Yes.

266. - So this is a last-ditch effort

267. to squeeze out as much as you can from your customers

268. before they're gone for good.

269. - Hmm.

270. - Rose seemed interested in the prospect

271. of making money from her dying customers.

272. But since neither of us knew how the funeral business

273. actually operated, I booked us an appointment

274. at one of the area's most popular funeral homes.

275. Not wanting to tip off that we were a new competitor

276. looking for trade secrets,

277. I convinced Rose to pose as my dying wife

278. whose funeral we were looking to plan

279. before she bites the dust.

280. Okay. Show me how you're gonna act in there.

281. - What do you want? I mean, like this...

282. - Yeah. That's realistic kind of sick.

283. It's almost dead—okay. Good.

284. - But I'm a very strong lady. - Yeah, you're strong

285. in real life, but for this, you're pretending to be sick.

286. - Okay.

287. - So we headed into our meeting

288. with funeral director Breanna Gallagher

289. to find out everything we could about their business model.

290. Sadly, uh, my wife, Rose,

291. has come down with Klein's and she's on her way out,

292. so we're trying to make arrangements for the day.

293. - Sure. - So whatever, you know,

294. options you have and can run through kind of

295. everything you offer, that would be really helpful

296. for us to make our decision.

297. - Absolutely.

298. - With the funeral director buying our story,

299. she walked me through all their products and services,

300. and I was sure to take note of everything.

301. And can I ask, uh, who your distributor is for these?

302. - Aurora. We use Aurora caskets.

303. - Aurora? - Yes.

304. - My plan was working

305. to get Rose the information she needed,

306. but I was surprised to learn

307. that the business was trending away from caskets altogether.

308. - Cremation is on the rise right now.

309. - It was clear that if Rose wanted to compete,

310. she'd need to be able to offer cremation to her customers.

311. But when I looked online,

312. I discovered that cremation furnaces

313. were ridiculously expensive,

314. and the only ovens that seemed to be in her price range

315. were ones that cooked pizzas.

316. But before suggesting this to Rose,

317. I needed to be sure it could incinerate a body.

318. So I contacted a local pizzeria

319. and asked if I could do a test in one of their ovens.

320. Obviously, I couldn't use a real cadaver,

321. so I structured a makeshift body out of dough

322. and filled the insides with pork bones

323. and whatever stuff I could

324. to make the anatomy as close to human as possible.

325. And once it was done, we wrapped it up

326. and headed over to Burbank Pizzeria

327. to see if their oven would burn it to a crisp.

328. - I was told it was just a calzone you were gonna cook.

329. I wasn't sure that this was gonna be this big of a deal

330. with clothing and cloth and leather and hair

331. and stuff like that, so...

332. Okay, but if we take off the clothing, then it's okay?

333. - I think it would be best if you want to cook it.

334. - After a brief negotiation,

335. George allowed me to continue as long as we put him in naked.

336. So once all the clothes were removed,

337. George and I delicately loaded the body

338. into the 650-degree oven,

339. and then all there was left to do was wait.

340. Are you, uh, are you married?

341. - Yup.

342. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

343. Are you married?

344. - No. No.

345. - I'm gonna get me some water.

346. - After 11/2 hours, George had to open up his shop.

347. So he made me take out the body before it was fully burnt,

348. but he seemed confident that this would work.

349. A few more hours, would it all just burn to a crisp?

350. - Yup. - Would that work the same

351. for a human body too?

352. - Well, anything in that heat eventually will burn, yeah.

353. - With the success of my scientific experiment,

354. I now knew that Rose would be able

355. to offer cremations on a budget.

356. So I dressed up her waiting area

357. with marketing materials

358. that would showcase all the new services that were available.

359. And with that, it was time to see if Rose

360. could convince customers to plan their funerals

361. with Travelure.

362. - I'd like to go again to Las Vegas, Nevada.

363. - After handling the customer's travel needs,

364. I then had Rose bring up the new service.

365. - And we sell, sorry I'm telling you this one, funeral packages.

366. - Oh, yeah. Okay.

367. All right. Yeah.

368. - If you are ready or you have the plans...

369. like, we prepare all these packages.

370. - Um...

371. I don't have plans in that area right now, though,

372. but yeah. It's good to know, yeah.

373. I need to know just in case. - Yes.

374. Whenever you need that, just let me know.

375. - Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

376. Sure. Sure.

377. - But unfortunately, the customer wasn't interested.

378. And after that,

379. Rose started having second thoughts.

380. - It has to come from my heart.

381. I have to like what I'm doing.

382. - So it's not quite for you?

383. - I can do it, but, again,

384. it's not from my heart.

385. - You know, it's funny.

386. All this talk about funerals and stuff

387. has really gotten me thinking a lot about my own mortality,

388. you know what I mean?

389. - Yes.

390. - It makes you realize that at the end of the day,

391. it's not about how much money you make

392. or... how many girls you've slept with.

393. It's about the little moments that are nice.

394. - Very nice. - Like this.

395. - Yeah. This is one. This moment is very good.

396. - Good luck with everything, Rose.

397. - Thank you, too, Nathan.

398. Thank you. Thank you.

399. - Yeah. Bye. - Bye-bye.

400. Good-bye.

401. - Earlier, you saw me come up with an idea

402. to rescue people from gridlock.

403. But to see if this would work as an actual service,

404. I'd first need to recruit motorcyclists

405. that were interested in being riders.

406. Knowing that bikers have a pack mentality,

407. I thought I'd have the best chance

408. of gaining their interest

409. if they thought I was one of them.

410. So I headed to a local biker bar

411. with the goal of recruiting couples who ride together

412. to take part in my service.

413. And after spending some time doing my best to blend in...

414. Ugh.

415. My life.

416. I met a biker couple named Sean and Laura

417. who seemed interested in my idea.

418. I'm working on a business opportunity,

419. and I'm looking for couples that know how to ride.

420. So the next day, I brought them into my office

421. to see if they'd be right for the job.

422. To launch this, you know,

423. I'm looking for strong couples because, you know,

424. if I hire you guys and you break up,

425. you're kind of useless to me.

426. - Right. - So I should ask.

427. Are there any issues in the relationship at all?

428. - I think we're pretty solid.

429. I mean, I'm not—

430. - I'm not looking to go see anybody else, so...

431. - Not really. - Okay.

432. If I hire you, and God forbid, you guys do break up,

433. how quickly do you think you'd be able

434. to get into a new relationship?

435. - That's a— That's-

436. I wouldn't be able to answer that.

437. Sometimes it's been years.

438. Sometimes it's been the next day, you know?

439. It's— - The next day?

440. - I have done it in a day.

441. I've done two in a day.

442. - What does that mean?

443. - Um...

444. - Yeah. What does that mean?

445. - I had too much fun in one day with two different women.

446. - Like, a threesome?

447. - No. It was separate.

448. In the same—same day,

449. at the same party, but no, not together.

450. - So you had sex with one woman, then another right after?

451. - Pretty much. - Okay.

452. So if this relationship ends,

453. you'll find someone pretty quick.

454. - Sure. - Okay.

455. I mean, you guys seem great.

456. With Laura and Sean on board,

457. I was one step closer to my gridlock rescue service

458. becoming a reality.

459. But before launching this,

460. I needed to see if there was interest from actual commuters.

461. So I sent Sean and Laura out into rush hour traffic

462. to see if the public would embrace my idea.

463. - Roll down your window.

464. How you doing today?

465. We're offering a service.

466. My girlfriend would be more than happy

467. to drive your car to wherever you're going.

468. You can get on the back of the bike,

469. and we'll get you there a whole lot quicker.

470. All right.

471. - I was surprised that people weren't receptive to my idea.

472. - Just tell me where you want to go.

473. We'll take you.

474. I-I know you don't want to do it,

475. but please don't disrespect me while I'm talking to you.

476. Hop on the bike!

477. - All right. - Go.

478. - And in that moment, for the first time,

479. I finally realized the fatal flaw in my concept.

480. In this post-Pearl Harbor world,

481. people don't trust their fellow man the way they once did.

482. - People are just so scared and afraid

483. of the unknown that once they shut their mind off,

484. it's really hard to open it up.

485. - Exactly.

486. - It was a sad conclusion

487. to what I thought was a revolutionary idea.

488. But at least we could celebrate that we gave it our all

489. as a team.

490. - What are you guys doing later tonight?

491. - Well, I'm taking her out to get something to eat.

492. - Oh. Where are you guys gonna go?

493. - I don't know yet. Maybe fish.

494. - Fish? - Crab.

495. - Oh. Sounds good.

496. Would you like to— me to come too?

497. We could all have a—

498. - No. I think we're good.

499. - Okay. You guys— it's like just for you guys?

500. - Yeah. No. I'm taking my lady out.

501. I... don't really need any company with me.

502. - Okay. Sure. I mean, I wouldn't want to be

503. a third wheel, you know?

504. - That's what it would be, so...

505. - Oh, okay. - Yeah.

506. - Well, it's great working with you guys.

507. - Nice working with you, too. - Yes.

508. In the end, Sean and Laura

509. weren't that different from everyone else—

510. too afraid of the unknown to let a stranger inside.

511. But, brother, I'll tell you one thing.

512. I'd rather be trusting than late.

513. - Abso... lutely.

514. - Highway blues. - I'm sorry to hear that.

515. - It's okay. - We've all been there.

516. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

517. Life alone on the road.