Napoleon Dynamite 1x6

Directed by Stephen Sandoval

The Future Farmers of America’s state competition is coming up. But when Napoleon’s partner drops out, he begs Pedro to be his teammate. Pedro reluctantly agrees and they set out to beat Napoleon’s FFA rival, Filson, for a second year in a row. While at the event, Napoleon loses focus when the FFA Queen puts the moves on him. In the end, Pedro comes to the rescue.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Geez. Hey.

2. Dang.

3. Hello, Napoleon.

4. Hey, Pedro.

5. Awesome.

6. Dang!

7. "If a farmer harvests 1,000 acres of corn,

8. what will be its yield?"

9. 165,000 bushels. Grandma, go!

10. What's wrong with this cow's teats?

11. They're going every which way.

12. Bovine mastitis, stage three! Rico!

13. Why does my steak taste like crap?

14. Because you're a freakin' mooch.

15. Get off my property.

16. But if you really want to know,

17. this is utility beef, unfit for human consumption.

18. Correct.

19. You are on fire, Napoleon.

20. You know I am.

21. Curtis and I are totally gonna dominate

22. the state competition again, just like last year.

23. I even memorized the Future Farmers of America Creed.

24. "I believe in the future of agriculture,

25. "with a faith born not of words but of deeds.

26. I believe..."

27. Well, I believe we got to go.

28. Fine! I'll just do it for Tina.

29. "I believe in the...

30. Stupid lard!

31. Jerks.

32. Hey, Curtis, you ready to kick some "A" at State?

33. You know it! Wow, Napoleon!

34. You look so handsome in your uniform.

35. You should be the FFA catalogue model.

36. I tried. They liked my torso,

37. but they hated my face.

38. Well, good luck at State.

39. Bring me home a T-shirt?

40. Absolutely.

41. They're $4.99.

42. Ninety-nine!

43. Deb looks cute today.

44. Yeah. Too bad she hates you.

45. Well, well, if it isn't the Future Failures of America.

46. Yeah, right, Don, like a farmer ever failed.

47. So, what are you gonna do this year, Napoleon,

48. stick your hand in a bunch of cow butts?

49. Yea-heah!

50. That event only happens at nationals, Don.

51. Besides, FFA isn't just about farming,

52. it's about friendship and unforgettae memories.

53. Right, Curtis?

54. Curtis,

55. what are you doing on Don's side?

56. Sorry, Napoleon, but Don's razzing really struck a chord.

57. I'm gonna be one of the popular kids now.

58. You don't just quit FFA and become popular.

59. It doesn't work like that.

60. Hey, Curtis, you coming to my above-ground pool party?

61. You know it! Yea-hea-heah!

62. Dang it! Forgot Cornelius.

63. Spider!

64. Grandma, are you near the monitor?

65. Always listening, Kipper.

66. Get in here quick. Daddy longlegs.

67. Where is the sucker?

68. Don't hurt it! I know a Chinese guy

69. who'll pay top dollar for its venom.

70. Corny!

71. He's got backup.

72. Geez!

73. I don't care what Chun-Wei is paying,

74. I'm not going back in there

75. until you get that place fumigated.

76. But where will we live while our house is all gassy?

77. Shaylene said we could stay in that cabin

78. where her uncle hung himself.

79. Nonsense.

80. My Santana sleeps up to five people,

81. six if they're missing limbs.

82. You guys are staying with me.

83. But Grandma says I'm not allowed in your van.

84. It's okay if I'm with you, Kip.

85. Pedro, I really need you

86. to be my partner at FFA.

87. I'd like to help you, Napoleon, but it's Spirit Week,

88. and I'm under a lot of pressure.

89. What do you think of this one?

90. I like it, but I don't love it.

91. You're impossible!

92. You see what I'm dealing with?

93. Come on, we'll make a killer team.

94. We always have.

95. Whoa...

96. Whee!

97. Okay, that last one didn't happen,

98. but we still make a great team.

99. Hmm?

100. Yes!

101. The glory of State awaits!

102. I'm still recovering from a s-st-stroke,

103. so I'd appreciate it if you boys would keep an eye on me.

104. Whatever. Let's roll.

105. Do you boys smell b-burnt toast?

106. Yes. But I'm not sharing.

107. Okay, Pedro.

108. You better tie this around your waist.

109. Why?

110. So we don't get separated when I get mobbed.

111. I'm a superstar here.

112. Whatever you say, Napoleon.

113. Uh...

114. Hello?

115. It's okay, Napoleon.

116. I'll still wear the rope.

117. Oh, my gosh, it's Napoleon Dynamite!

118. Ay!

119. I've never been this high in the air before.

120. Welcome to my world, Pedro

121. Good-bye, Tina.

122. So how do you guys like living in a van so far?

123. It's fun being homeless, ain't it?

124. - I'm hungry. - And I never got to finish my bath.

125. Say no more.

126. I'm gonna teach you two to live Rico-style.

127. You ready, Kipper?

128. Are you sure about this?

129. Oh, boy.

130. Whoa!

131. Wow, Kipper,

132. you look like an Acapulco cliff diver.

133. You said you were gonna get me something to eat.

134. Ask, and ye shall receive, Carlinda.

135. Today's the day the soccer moms

136. clean out their minivans.

137. Juice boxes, string cheese, stick candy...

138. It's a treasure trove for the culinary magpie.

139. Is that jerky?

140. Ah!

141. Hey!

142. A dry cleaning receipt.

143. Looks like I got me a new pantsuit.

144. Nice.

145. I judge a pig like I judge a woman...

146. by her personality,

147. and back fat.

148. Ah...

149. Thanks, Amanda.

150. Okay, I'll sign your eggs now.

151. Hyah!

152. Whoa, girl. Easy now.

153. What the crap? Filson?

154. Who's Filson?

155. FFA champion,

156. five years running.

157. Until last year, when I wasted you.

158. Looks like Filson has this in the bag, folks.

159. Wait! I don't believe it!

160. Dynamite's going full udder!

161. Sweet!

162. Yes!

163. You were wearing a sport bra?

164. It was a men's "action bra." Shut up!

165. What are you doing here, Filson?

166. I thought you graduated. Nope.

167. Failed English.

168. But you're great at English.

169. Is I, Napoleon? Is I?

170. You failed on purpose!

171. You didn't think I was gonna let you have all the glory

172. and the women, did you?

173. You don't care about the FFA, Filson.

174. Your jacket's not even regulation.

175. You tore off the sleeves,

176. and it's supposed to be zipped up all the way.

177. Nobody likes a bad boy who doesn't play by the rules.

178. He's so bad.

179. What are you guys doing?

180. Stop looking at him!

181. Whoo! FFA! Step back, kiss myself.

182. Pedro!

183. Sorry.

184. Rico, what are you doing?

185. I want to watch TV!

186. When you live in a van,

187. the whole world is your personal television set.

188. I do love my trashy family dramas.

189. Well, enjoy the latest episode of 329 Oneida Street.

190. Okay, let me get you caught up.

191. Last week, that girl there,

192. she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.

193. That's not good.

194. And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her,

195. but he's just being secretive

196. 'cause he's planning her birthday party.

197. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.

198. This is my kind of show.

199. Hey! You in the van!

200. Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.

201. I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere!

202. My blouse! Ouch!

203. Geez!

204. Filson may have the glorious mane of a lion,

205. but he wouldn't know a silty loam from a sandy clay.

206. Help! Help! Napoleon!

207. The Egg Queen! She needs me!

208. But the judges are coming, and my knowledge of dirt is limited.

209. Your Majesty! What's wrong?

210. That billy goat stole my tiara.

211. Not on my watch.

212. Give it back, goat!

213. How could I ever repay you?

214. Your buttermilk complexion and livestock thighs

215. are reward enough.

216. You're so sweet.

217. I'm gonna treat you to some fried dough and apple dandies.

218. Sorry.

219. I've got soil to judge.

220. Soil will always be around,

221. but I won't.

222. Uh...

223. Okay.

224. Now, we could stand here talking all day

225. about how the 45-degree angle of this land is poor for drainage,

226. but why criticize this substandard sod

227. when we could talk about my new low-rise flare-leg jeans!

228. Yeah!

229. Come on!

230. He's accurate and sexy.

231. We're going to need an answer from Team Dynamite.

232. How would you evaluate this soil?

233. It's pretty good, I guess.

234. Hmm.

235. Eh... I also have jeans.

236. Nicole, quit tickling me.

237. Oh, I wish it were pioneer times

238. 'cause I think we'd be married right now.

239. Napoleon, we just lost the first event

240. because you weren't here.

241. Really? Sorry.

242. Oh, it's all my fault.

243. We spent the last hour tickle-fighting.

244. But don't worry,

245. there's plenty of events tomorrow.

246. Yeah, Pedro. It'll be fine.

247. Loosen up, bro.

248. Are you finished?

249. Nicole, can you give us a second?

250. Sure.

251. Look, I know I let you down,

252. but even though Nicole will probably be my wife someday,

253. I'm gonna put things on hold so we can focus on the competition.

254. You promise?

255. I'll go tell her right now.

256. Hey, Napoleon, meet me here at midnight

257. for a romantic picnic.

258. Okay!

259. It's done.

260. If that guy doesn't want people watching his family,

261. they shouldn't be so darn entertaining.

262. Shouldn't we be in a hospital instead of a taxidermy shop?

263. And pay a million dollars for a piece of thread?

264. All Dr. Howie charges is a couple of roadkill skunks.

265. All done, Kip.

266. Really?

267. That didn't hurt at all.

268. Howie's fixed me up plenty of times.

269. He even replaced my bit-off ear with one from a wolf.

270. Your Majesty?

271. "Close your eyes and make a wish.

272. Love, your Queen."

273. Nicole!

274. Pedro?

275. I thought you were putting things on hold.

276. You lied to me, Napoleon.

277. I don't care. Get out of here!

278. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.

279. In a hole?

280. It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.

281. Well, I don't think she loves you.

282. Look, her apples are fake.

283. What? Huh?

284. Look what you've accidentally done, my sweet!

285. You're even dumber than Filson said you were.

286. Filson?

287. I wasn't gonna lose

288. to you two years in a row, Napoleon.

289. Now, enjoy some fireworks

290. while I make out with my fiancée.

291. Pop me some sugar!

292. What? That's it, Nicole.

293. You gotta decide right now...

294. him or me.

295. Don't worry, Pedro, she'll be back.

296. You're crazy, Napoleon.

297. Even the earthworms are laughing at us.

298. You begged me to come, Napoleon.

299. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!

300. Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate!

301. Curtis never would've let this happen to me.

302. He knew how to bridle my passions.

303. Well, I'm not Curtis.

304. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez

305. and you have shamed and betrayed me.

306. I don't care how many names you have!

307. You're dead!

308. Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble.

309. Pedro, too.

310. Man, I love my wolf ear.

311. All right, Pedro, I'm sorry.

312. I really did shatter both our dreams.

313. I forgive you, Napoleon.

314. You were blinded by love.

315. Someday when people find our dead, decroded bodies,

316. I hope they realize that we were best buds.

317. Let's make a friendship loogie.

318. Buried alive, huh? I know what that's like.

319. Get us out of here!

320. I'm on it!

321. Ow! Ah!

322. Hit it, Rico!

323. Let's go, Pedro!

324. The finals have already started!

325. American.

326. Fiesta Mexican blend.

327. And...

328. Uh...

329. Swiss?

330. Correct.

331. Whoo! FFA!

332. Lame.

333. What the...? I thought I murdered you guys!

334. Looks like you just got kissed by a rose from the grave.

335. Listen, you gorgeous SOB,

336. if you ever bury one of my boys again,

337. you're gonna become the bad smell in my attic.

338. Looky here, your grandpa can threaten me all he wants,

339. but I've already got this thing in the bag.

340. Plus, one of the judges is braiding my hair.

341. Oh, I can still be impartial.

342. Come on, Pedro. Let's rock this mother.

343. Thanks, I was getting all freaked out down there.

344. Ooh!

345. Mmm... Mm-hmm.

346. Well, it appears we have a tie between Team Filson...

347. I love you, Filson...

348. and Team Dynamite.

349. You know it.

350. There's only one way to settle this.

351. One member from each team must recite the FFA creed.

352. The creed! Sweet! I got this.

353. Filson, you're up.

354. I believe in the future of agriculture

355. with a faith born not of words but of deeds.

356. I believe that to live and work on a good farm is pleasant

357. as well as challenging.

358. for I know the joys and discomforts of agricultural life

359. which, even in hours of discouragement, I cannot deny.

360. Aw...

361. I can exert an influence in my home and community

362. which will stand solid for my part in that inspiring task.

363. That flag always makes me wish I hadn't deserted my unit.

364. My name is Napoleon Dynamite,

365. and here's my way better version of the creed:

366. I believe in the future of agriculture,

367. with a faith born not of words but of deeds.

368. That's it, Nicole, go for his pits.

369. He's blaspheming our creed!

370. On behalf of the Future Farmers of America,

371. I revoke your membership.

372. You are no longer a future farmer or an American.

373. No!

374. Hey, stop dragging me! Gosh!

375. And now we'd like to bring Filson up

376. so we can reveal who the winner is.

377. Wait!

378. Even though Napoleon is a crappy friend sometimes,

379. he truly loves the FFA.

380. So while you were tearing the patch off his jacket,

381. I wrote this song.

382. That was the most beautiful song about farming I've ever heard,

383. and I'm including "Old McDonald" and "Jimmy Crack Corn."

384. This is what the FFA is all about:

385. friendship, loyalty, and timely membership payments.

386. Therefore, I declare Team Dynamite the winner!

387. Y'all want to see my Speedo?

388. Put your pants back on, son.

389. Nobody cares.

390. You don't like this one, I got another.

391. Oops! No, I don't!

392. Welcome back to the FFA, son.

393. Sweet!

394. Nice save, Pedro.

395. Curtis never would've done that for me.

396. You were right, Napoleon.

397. We do make a pretty awesome team.

398. Hey, Pedro, don't tell Deb

399. about all that tickling junk, okay?

400. I saw nothing.

401. Sure is good to have our house back, Kipper.

402. It'll be nice to stretch out and have you razor my corns.

403. Dang it.

404. Grandma, Rico's talking to his van.

405. Yup. He's pretty lonely.

406. It was fun having company, wasn't it, Santana?

407. Aw, crap.

408. Nah, I wasn't ignoring you, Santana.

409. I just had family over.

410. Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells

411. kinda poison-y in the house.

412. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?

413. Okay, Napoleon, last week, the father got arrested

414. for ating up a Peeping Tom

415. who, in a hilarious twist, turned out to be Kip!

416. That daughter's pretty hot.

417. Not for long

418. if she keeps eating meat loaf like that!

419. Rude.