Napoleon Dynamite 1x5

Jennifer Coolidge as Mrs. Moser (voice)

Uncle Rico and Napoleon team up to participate in the annual Preston, ID, bed races and prevent Grandma, a six-time champion, from winning again this year. During the race Uncle Rico persuades Napoleon to cheat in order to beat her and restore him to his former glory after losing the big high school football game years earlier. Following their win, Uncle Rico rejoices in his new found fame, Grandma is depressed and Napoleon is left with the dilemma of whether to tell Grandma the truth or let his uncle enjoy his new standing in the community

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Geez. - Hey.

2. Dang.

3. Hello, Napoleon.

4. Hey, Pedro.

5. Good morning, and welcome to Cock-A-Doodle, Preston!

6. I'm Art Doodle.

7. And I'm Janet Kocka.

8. I hate this show.

9. They have no chemistry at all.

10. You don't need chemistry when you're a babe like Janet Kocka.

11. So, what did you do last night, Art?

12. Changed my oil, buried my mother, went to bed.

13. You lead the life, Art.

14. Yeah, well.

15. That Art Doodle...

16. I could watch him read the phone book.

17. He does that Fridays at 8:00.

18. You know what time of year it is, right, Art?

19. Yeah, spray the cattle for pinkeye.

20. That and the Preston Bed Races!

21. Turn it up! This is my segment!

22. Every year,

23. the citizens of Preston race their beds

24. down Main Street in the town's most beloved tradition.

25. Hey!

26. Oh, man, what was I thinking

27. with that ascot?

28. Anyone can win,

29. but my money's on six-time defending champion,

30. Grandma Dynamite.

31. Grandma and I smoke you guys every year.

32. Your bed's too easy to push, Kip.

33. You're the smallest man who ever lived.

34. You only weigh, like, 40 pounds.

35. Napoleon, you were born a loser, you'll die a loser,

36. and I will do interpretive funk jazz on your grave.

37. Good one, Kipper.

38. So, what do you say?

39. You ready to hop in Grandma's bed and have a good time?

40. Sick!

41. Napoleon, it's a bed race.

42. Everything is going to sound like a double entendre.

43. I got a double entendre for you.

44. You two are finally gonna lose this year

45. to Team Rico-poleon.

46. Yeah, I already drew us a sweet team logo.

47. And I've been chugging cow's blood.

48. Worked for Dracula.

49. He's fast as crap.

50. Sorry, Rico. I didn't hear what you said.

51. I had these trophies in my ears.

52. Oh, yeah, Carlinda?

53. Let's see how tough you are

54. without your beloved butterscotch balls.

55. Nobody Heimlichs him till I say so.

56. Not yet. Bluer.

57. Kip, there's no monsters.

58. Turn the light off!

59. Truck!

60. Rico, what the heck are you doing?

61. Training!

62. Help! My wife's having a baby!

63. We need a bed!

64. Sorry. Training!

65. I knew that was too good to be true.

66. Why is this stupid race so important to you?

67. You think I'm a loser, don't you, Napoleon?

68. You know I do.

69. It's pretty much the thing I believe the most.

70. Well, it wasn't always like that.

71. Get yourself comfortable.

72. Back in high school, I had this friend.

73. His name was Rico, and he was me.

74. Aw, dang, I messed that up.

75. Anyway...

76. Okay, the state championship comes down to this one play.

77. Coach, we got to

78. throw the ball to Rico!

79. Don't tell me how to utilize Rico.

80. I'm still the coach of Rico's Team!

81. Okay, we're throwing the ball to Rico.

82. Hey, where is Rico?

83. Oh, Rico, you're so fine.

84. You're so fine, you blow my mind.

85. Hey, Rico.

86. Hey, Rico.

87. That's me!

88. I'd love to stay and flirt with all you girls,

89. but I got to go win the game.

90. After you win this game,

91. I'm going to let you do something

92. I've only let 12 other guys do...

93. buy me a root beer float.

94. Hot dang! Thanks, Candy!

95. Rico, showtime!

96. You're throwing the ball to me, right?

97. You know it, Rico!

98. Hut, hut, hike!

99. Yeah! Ri-co!

100. Ri-co! Ri-co!

101. Hey, the new Dodge Santana.

102. That thing's a mobile palace!

103. Oh!

104. And that was the day I became Uncle Rico.

105. Wake up! I was telling you my origin story.

106. More like your "bore-igin" story.

107. Take me home!

108. Okay, soon as I figure out how to ditch these wolves.

109. Hello, everybody. I'm Mayor Odell.

110. And it's a beautiful day for a bed race!

111. Yay!

112. Now, let's meet your contestants.

113. Hello.

114. This is just my dog's bed.

115. I know. It's crazy!

116. This mattress costs more than your homes!

117. Way to rub their noses in it, Mom!

118. Cheer to your sensei!

119. They love us, baby!

120. Hello, race fans.

121. We've already been disqualified,

122. but my cousins worked very hard tricking out this bed.

123. And our reigning Bed Race champion, six-time winner,

124. Grandma Dynamite!

125. Yeah.

126. I get to go home with her.

127. And... Rico Dynamite.

128. Hey, how y'all doing?

129. The squeak just makes it extra embarrassing.

130. Check it out, Napoleon.

131. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.

132. Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.

133. I also got science on my side.

134. This bracelet has a magnet in it.

135. I bought it from a SkyMall catalogue

136. I found at the site of a plane crash.

137. You can wear all the magic crap you want.

138. This is my race, Rico!

139. That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.

140. Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.

141. And the astronaut whose car broke down here.

142. Wow.

143. They got that up quick.

144. Still waiting on a part.

145. On your mark.

146. Get set.

147. It's bedtime!

148. Not enough room for both of us, Rico.

149. Get out of my way!

150. Over my sleek, aerodynamic body.

151. We're gonna win it, Percy!

152. You'll suffer no more.

153. Sorry for your loss.

154. Oh. Geez!

155. Ow!

156. That had a battery in it, jerk!

157. Looking winded, Rico!

158. Well, you're looking like a flappity old husk, Carlinda.

159. Why don't you just drop out?

160. Everyone knows how good you are at dropping stuff.

161. If Grandma and Kip beat us again,

162. we'll be the laughingstock of Family Night.

163. I hear you, Napoleon.

164. That's why we're gonna cheat.

165. Okay.

166. I'll give you 50 bucks

167. for that heavy lead blanket you're wearing.

168. Sold!

169. Thanks! I'll pay you later.

170. One, that was not yours to sell.

171. And two, you're going to be very sick tonight.

172. Uh...

173. Hey, Kip.

174. Hey, now I can't see.

175. Make the switch, Napoleon!

176. Huh? Huh? Huh?

177. Kip, I'm hitting the wall!

178. Everything feels heavier.

179. Yeah!

180. We did it! We cheated our way to victory!

181. We're heroes! Sweet!

182. What do you say we high-five?

183. You don't ask. Just do it.

184. It worked!

185. And that's when I knew

186. I won the Bed Race fair and square.

187. Next question.

188. Deb Bradshaw, Preston High School Bugle.

189. Napoleon, what advice do you have for young people?

190. Follow your dreams.

191. Also, never throw a water balloon at a pickup truck.

192. There might be a judge inside.

193. As student body president,

194. I present you with a lifetime hall pass.

195. - This is good for any hall in the school. - Sweet!

196. What about stairwells?

197. I'm not God, Napoleon.

198. Rico, in honor of your great victory today,

199. I'm taking down that picture you hate so much.

200. The one that says, "Do not take checks from this man"?

201. No. This one.

202. Hey, Rico, remember me?

203. Candy? The head cheerleader?

204. Head waitress now.

205. I always knew you were going places.

206. Heard about your big win.

207. Did you hear about my big divorce?

208. Did you hear about my big order?

209. I ordered fries, like, an hour ago.

210. Well, as long as you're with Rico,

211. you can have anything you want in this place.

212. Can I have that napkin dispenser?

213. Sure. Sweet!

214. These things never run out.

215. Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.

216. Really? What's it called?

217. The Rico.

218. Hey, that's my name!

219. It's got crawfish, peanuts and strawberries.

220. Aren't you allergic to all those things?

221. Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you?

222. Delicious. Such an honor.

223. 117, 118.

224. I can't believe how much free stuff we got

225. just for winning that stupid race.

226. Do you know how much I would have had to pay

227. for this dragon figurine?

228. And I've got enough tile grout

229. to last me the rest of my life!

230. You don't even have a bathtub.

231. The world is my bathtub, Napoleon.

232. When are you gonna learn that?

233. Okay, well, I'm going inside now 'cause I've been with you

234. all day, and I'm kind of sick of you.

235. Hang on a second. We got to get our story straight.

236. Ready? Ready.

237. We did not cheat.

238. Okay.

239. Attaboy. And should you ever get the urge to talk,

240. just remember there's plenty more where these came from.

241. Good morning, sunshine!

242. Grandma, that table's on fire!

243. That's a stove.

244. I'm making you a nutritious breakfast.

245. Breakfast?

246. For me? Why?

247. 'Cause you're the new bed racing champion in the house.

248. Don't worry, Grandma.

249. You'll win again next year.

250. Oh, no, my racing days are over.

251. You and Rico showed me that yesterday.

252. We did? Yeah.

253. I got to start acting my age.

254. I mean, my friggin' name is Grandma.

255. What the heck are you wearing?

256. It's called a dress.

257. Thought I'd give it a try.

258. What do you think?

259. You look like a sissy.

260. Grandma, there's a solicitor at the door.

261. Do you want your pepper spray or your chasing bat?

262. Kip, the man's just trying to make a living.

263. Let's hear what he has to say.

264. What the freak's wrong with her?

265. She's been acting odd ever since

266. you creamed our A's in the race.

267. This morning, I caught her quilting this.

268. Creepy.

269. Wow, Napoleon.

270. You got him right in his third crotch.

271. Whatever.

272. Being an expert bowsman isn't as fun as it used to be.

273. You seem depressed, Napoleon.

274. Do you want to talk about it?

275. No.

276. Okay, here's the deal.

277. My grandma's gone loco.

278. She's, like, friendly to people

279. and whistling and clipping out articles in the newspaper

280. and mailing them to me.

281. Getting mail is fun.

282. Yeah, but it's not her.

283. She's just a boring old lady now.

284. Napoleon, you got mail.

285. Sorry, honey, we'll go after I get back from Afghanistan.

286. It sure was nice of the owner to close the theater just for us.

287. And to convert my home movies to 3-D.

288. Whoa.

289. Looks like I just caught a tight spiral from Cupid.

290. Sick!

291. Napoleon!

292. Can't you see I'm in mid-seduction?

293. We need to talk, without any broads around.

294. No offense, milady.

295. Here's the key to the snack bar.

296. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."

297. And a box of Dots!

298. Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty.

299. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.

300. Oh, no, we don't.

301. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?

302. Uh-huh.

303. You enjoy roaming the halls

304. at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?

305. Heck yes, I do.

306. Then best you keep your mouth shut.

307. But I'm worried about Grandma.

308. I think her brain is broken.

309. What about your Uncle Rico?

310. This is the happiest I've ever been.

311. Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater

312. on a Saturday night.

313. I'm like the goll-dang president!

314. I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?

315. Dots! Geez!

316. I'm serious, Napoleon.

317. The town even wants to put one of them

318. bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame.

319. Please don't take all this away from me.

320. I don't want to die alone in that van.

321. Fine! Forget I asked!

322. Here's your Duds.

323. That was close.

324. I almost had a bad dream.

325. All the napkins in the world

326. can't wipe the guilt off your face, Napoleon.

327. Wha...?

328. He's right, Napoleon.

329. You cheated your Grandma.

330. The dragon and I don't agree on much, but we agree on this.

331. You guys can talk?

332. All your ill-gotten gains can talk.

333. Ill-gotten gains lead to gain-gotten ills.

334. Uh-huh.

335. Wait, what?

336. If you spent more time in class

337. and less time in the hall, you'd understand.

338. You've peed on me countless times

339. and I've always pretended not to notice,

340. but this I can't ignore!

341. Why aren't you haunting Uncle Rico?

342. He doesn't have a conscience.

343. Or a bed.

344. You've got to tell the truth.

345. Admit your deceit!

346. And if I don't?

347. Oh, that does it!

348. Stop it, bed!

349. You're going too far!

350. Yes, you said there'd be no killing.

351. I said lots of things!

352. I did have a bad dream!

353. Grandma, what are you doing?

354. Donating my car to charity.

355. I'm getting too old to drive.

356. But that's the car I was born in.

357. I don't need to go anywhere.

358. I just want to enjoy the rest of my life,

359. staring out the window and buying commemorative plates.

360. Grandma,

361. there's something I have to tell you.

362. Yes, dearie?

363. It's about the bed race.

364. Rico and I kinda...

365. Come on, Napoleon.

366. I don't want to die alone in my van.

367. Please tell me somebody died in there with him.

368. Nope. I died alone.

369. Thanks a lot, Napoleon.

370. You were gonna tell me something about the bed race?

371. Well, I thought this year,

372. the parking was a lot more convenient.

373. That's not what they're saying online.

374. Grandma, she's eating the sweater

375. faster than you can knit it.

376. I don't care, she's good company.

377. Aren't you, Tina?

378. You're turning into one of those crazy llama ladies.

379. Welcome to Preston's favorite

380. midday show, Cock-A-Doodle Noon!

381. We're taking our show on the road today

382. to the Garden of Fame.

383. You know why, Art?

384. I don't pry.

385. For the en-shrub-ment ceremony

386. of former disgrace-turned-Bed- Race-champion, Rico Dynamite!

387. They're honoring your Uncle Rico.

388. We should be there to support him.

389. Like I always embroider,

390. "There's nothing more important than family."

391. In order to make room for the topiary of Rico Dynamite,

392. they're going to have to destroy the one

393. of former champion Grandma Dynamite.

394. You think they're related, Art?

395. Maybe.

396. You can't let them do that, Grandma.

397. They'll probably replant me somewhere nice,

398. like a park or a pet cemetery.

399. Any idea what they're going to do with Grandma?

400. Mulch her?

401. Actually, that's correct!

402. Tell her.

403. You can't talk; I'm awake.

404. You're daydreaming.

405. Now snap out of it and tell her.

406. Grandma, I can't take it anymore!

407. Rico and I cheated.

408. You should've won that race.

409. What are you saying?

410. I'm saying, Rico and I cheated.

411. You should've won that race.

412. I knew I wasn't an old lady.

413. To the Garden of Fame!

414. How are we gonna get there?

415. You gave your car to the Lord.

416. I know something faster than a car.

417. Why is there always a crazy

418. low-pressure front in this shed?

419. Pine veneer?

420. Cheap.

421. It was all we could afford.

422. Now let's meet the artist responsible

423. for all these entertaining hedges, Pedro Sanchez.

424. I know I'm perpetuating a stereotype,

425. but it would be a sin to deny the world my gift.

426. All right, Pedrah, for this sculpture,

427. I was thinking maybe I'd be jumping over a mountain

428. or a 7-Eleven.

429. I don't tell the clippers what to do, they tell me.

430. And while Pedro engages in his delicate ballet of bushery,

431. let's all enjoy the destruction

432. of Preston's beloved Grandma Dynamite.

433. What's up, Jacob?

434. We're not keeping it.

435. We're not gonna make it!

436. Hang on, kids.

437. Geez!

438. Whoo-hoo!

439. I didn't realize how much I needed that.

440. Don't mulch my grandma!

441. Mulch! Mulch! Mulch!

442. They can't hear you.

443. Let me try.

444. Stop.

445. Dang.

446. There's no way we can stop them.

447. Yes, there is.

448. Throw me in!

449. Am I asleep again?

450. Yes, and you should see a doctor about that.

451. But for now, wake up and throw me in!

452. It hurts more than I could possibly imagine!

453. Get your hands off my trunk!

454. Set her down, boys.

455. Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.

456. Rico.

457. Now, Carlinda, I can explain.

458. Get your head in here.

459. Yes, ma'am.

460. I believe you have something to tell my fans.

461. After giving it much thought,

462. I cheated in the bed race.

463. Rico, give back your key to the city.

464. Okay, before you do whatever you're gonna do to me,

465. let's not forget all the good things

466. Uncle Rico brought to this world.

467. Name one.

468. Uh, the Rico Shuffle?

469. It never caught on like I wanted.

470. Put him out of his misery, Grandma.

471. Take off his blindfold.

472. I want him to see this.

473. Ta-da.

474. It's beautiful.

475. But why?

476. Because Grandma's the bigger man, idiot.

477. Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up

478. for my despicable, yet clever behavior...

479. You can help me un-donate my car.

480. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?

481. You know it, G.

482. To the convent!

483. All right, what's the plan?

484. Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.

485. I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.

486. Sorry, Pedro.

487. You're up to your pretty little neck in this.

488. Oy.