1. - Hello, Napoleon.
- Hey, Pedro.Copy !req
2. Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
3. Hi. This is Napoleon Dynamite
calling from the Preston Bugle.Copy !req
4. Would you like to buy ad spaceCopy !req
5. in our crappy newspaper
that nobody reads?Copy !req
6. Why not?!Copy !req
7. Napoleon, I don't want to
tell you how to do your job,Copy !req
8. but your sales technique
leaves a lot to be desired.Copy !req
9. I thought you didn't want to
tell me how to do my job, Deb.Copy !req
10. This paper's lame.Copy !req
11. I'm only doing this because I
wanted to be called "Scoop."Copy !req
12. This is a sad day to be a
school newspaper editor, kids.Copy !req
13. You know why?Copy !req
14. Because your wife left you
for her calligraphy instructor?Copy !req
15. No, Scoop. Although that was
one beautiful Dear John letter.Copy !req
16. Is it because newspapers have wordsCopy !req
17. that we're expected to read?Copy !req
18. I'm afraid so, Summer.Copy !req
19. I knew it!Copy !req
20. But a free pressCopy !req
21. is the cornerstone of any democracy.Copy !req
22. It's the only way to deliver
breaking newsCopy !req
23. on a monthly basis.Copy !req
24. I appreciate your passion, Deb,Copy !req
25. but I'm afraid it's time
to stop the presses for good.Copy !req
26. Wait!
Whuh?Copy !req
27. Just give me 24 hours
to come up with a great storyCopy !req
28. that will send sales through
the roof and save the paper.Copy !req
29. Just 24 hours!Copy !req
30. Yes, I heard you the first time.Copy !req
31. Very well, Deb.Copy !req
32. Does this mean I have to
keep calling people?Copy !req
33. You bet!Copy !req
34. This is Napoleon Dynamite
from the Preston Bugle.Copy !req
35. Well, I think your name is stupid!Copy !req
36. Grandma, I found a gingersnap
and a gun in the backseat.Copy !req
37. Yikes! I gotta find a safer
place to hide my gingersnaps.Copy !req
38. Okay, a good reporter
doesn't find great stories.Copy !req
39. She finds good stories
and makes them great.Copy !req
40. She also thinks
to herself, not out loud.Copy !req
41. Hey, Deb, you should do
an exposé on me.Copy !req
42. Did you know I was a Gerber Baby?Copy !req
43. That's a lie.Copy !req
44. But I have worn the same
pair of pants for five years.Copy !req
45. Would your readers care about that?Copy !req
46. You should write about how NapoleonCopy !req
47. is afraid of the vacuum.Copy !req
48. Shut up! You don't know
anything about journalism!Copy !req
49. Who are you telling to shut up?Copy !req
50. Give me that!
Dang it.Copy !req
51. You should do an article aboutCopy !req
52. why the pharmacy closes so early.Copy !req
53. It says 6:00 p.m. on the door,
but they lock up at 5:45!Copy !req
54. Those are pretty much the
worst stories I've ever heard.Copy !req
55. Look, Deb, if you really want
to save your horse's life...Copy !req
56. I'm trying to save the school paper!Copy !req
57. Whatever. You should do a story
about the Mineshaft Monster.Copy !req
58. Nobody's ever seen
the Mineshaft Monster.Copy !req
59. He's like Bigfoot... he's not real.Copy !req
60. You just lied three times
in that statement.Copy !req
61. If he's not real, how do you explainCopy !req
62. all the cattle mutilations in 1971,Copy !req
63. and all the nightmares
I have about him?Copy !req
64. You want a story, Deb?Copy !req
65. How about
"Man Throws Perfect Spiral"?Copy !req
66. Whoa, I did it!Copy !req
67. Hello, Dynamite family!Copy !req
68. Ouch!
Mi cabeza!Copy !req
69. That gives me a great idea, Mr. Rico!Copy !req
70. Fantastic!Copy !req
71. But no questions about my war record.Copy !req
72. I'm technically still
supposed to be in Kuwait.Copy !req
73. So anyway, Pedro, here's the idea.Copy !req
74. An all-access,
no-holds-barred interviewCopy !req
75. with the Student Body President!Copy !req
76. There are so many more
interesting peopleCopy !req
77. at the school than me.Copy !req
78. You should interview
that history teacherCopy !req
79. who plays the banjo.Copy !req
80. Or that girl who went to Israel
and never shuts up about it.Copy !req
81. Come on, Pedro. Please?Copy !req
82. You don't want
the school paper to dieCopy !req
83. under your administration, do you?Copy !req
84. Okay, Deb, I'll let you access me.Copy !req
85. And in Israel, they have
this stuff called falafel.Copy !req
86. It is so much better
than anything in America!Copy !req
87. Ugh!Copy !req
88. Buenos dias!Copy !req
89. Yo soy Felipe con
el Loco Zoológico Mañana!Copy !req
90. Y ahora numero uno un éxito
que no es Lady Gaga!Copy !req
91. Hey.Copy !req
92. Good morning, Mr. President!Copy !req
93. Why are you watching me sleep?Copy !req
94. I'm shadowing you.Copy !req
95. I want our readers to feel likeCopy !req
96. they're with you
every minute of the day.Copy !req
97. Okay, but the sounds you hearCopy !req
98. for the next five minutes
are off the record.Copy !req
99. So what does the president
eat for breakfast?Copy !req
100. Tasty-O's. They're a lot like
Cheerios but not as tasty.Copy !req
101. So you prefer showers to baths?Copy !req
102. I follow my heart.Copy !req
103. So, you're Pedro's friend.Copy !req
104. That must be exciting.Copy !req
105. What the heck is wrong with you?Copy !req
106. Just pretend I'm not here.Copy !req
107. Have your normal
morning conversation.Copy !req
108. Okay. Hey, Pedro?Copy !req
109. Yes, Napoleon?Copy !req
110. Would you rather wrestle a
bear or karate-fight a moose?Copy !req
111. Hmm. I'd probably wrestle the bear.Copy !req
112. I don't know.
The bear has wicked claws,Copy !req
113. but the moose has more
woodland allies.Copy !req
114. I'd still pick the bear.Copy !req
115. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
116. Why aren't you writing this down?!Copy !req
117. This is gold!Copy !req
118. Carl, Carl's Clock Repair.Copy !req
119. Here's your problem...
it's set too loud.Copy !req
120. That'll really emphasize
the passage of time.Copy !req
121. Mr. President, we have a problem
that only you can solve.Copy !req
122. What is it?Copy !req
123. How do you say "water" in Spanish?Copy !req
124. Agua.Copy !req
125. You're amazing.Copy !req
126. Pedro, the cheerleading
team needs money,Copy !req
127. but I can't think of a
single fund-raising idea.Copy !req
128. Wait a second, bake sale,
car wash, kissing booth.Copy !req
129. You're right, there's lots of ways.Copy !req
130. Thanks, Pedro.Copy !req
131. Sometimes you just have
to let them talk.Copy !req
132. How's that clock doing?Copy !req
133. Good.
Great!Copy !req
134. Well, that's basically my day, Deb.Copy !req
135. Oh, Pedro, I can't thank you enough.Copy !req
136. This is going to be
such a good article.Copy !req
137. I've got so much great stuff.Copy !req
138. Oh... who am I kidding?
I've got nothing.Copy !req
139. I'm sorry, Deb.Copy !req
140. It's not your fault Preston is
the most boring city in America.Copy !req
141. I guess this is the end
of the school paper.Copy !req
142. I can't believe the Morse
code club outlasted us.Copy !req
143. Too soon!Copy !req
144. Pedro, I was up all nightCopy !req
145. thinking about our
conversation yesterday,Copy !req
146. and I've had a
complete change of heart.Copy !req
147. I'd rather karate-fight a moose.Copy !req
148. It's your funeral.Copy !req
149. Newspaper story!
Read all about it!Copy !req
150. Hey, look at all the jerks
buying the school paper.Copy !req
151. You really did the right
thing by helping Deb.Copy !req
152. But nothing interesting
happened all day.Copy !req
153. She must be a really good reporter.Copy !req
154. Most boring city in America?Copy !req
155. He's obviously never been
to Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin!Copy !req
156. And I suppose my father'sCopy !req
157. escrow company is boring?!
Right.Copy !req
158. Am I offended?
Yeah-hah!Copy !req
159. Ugh! Wednesday lunch
is lasagna and fries?Copy !req
160. Why do they do that?!Copy !req
161. Traidora!Copy !req
162. Oh, the headline, yeah.Copy !req
163. I thought about going with
"President Gets Clock Fixed,"Copy !req
164. but this was juicier.Copy !req
165. You were right... caught my eye.Copy !req
166. But now the whole school hates me.Copy !req
167. It's not my fault.Copy !req
168. You agreed to the interview.Copy !req
169. Yeah, Pedro.
You did do that.Copy !req
170. You said all-access, no-holds-barred.Copy !req
171. You could have held one of the bars.Copy !req
172. Yeah, Deb.
Just one freakin' bar.Copy !req
173. Just tell everyone you got it
wrong and I didn't say it.Copy !req
174. But you did say it!Copy !req
175. The first rule of reporting is
to put the truth above all.Copy !req
176. And the first rule of friendship
is to not screw Pedro.Copy !req
177. Yeah, Deb, you should never...Copy !req
178. You can't agree
with both of us, Napoleon.Copy !req
179. Yeah, Napoleon.
Whose side are you on?Copy !req
180. Uh...Copy !req
181. Why are you wailing on that can?Copy !req
182. It didn't betray you.Copy !req
183. Yeah, I know.
I'm just filled with rage.Copy !req
184. You're making too big a deal of this.Copy !req
185. It's just the stupid school paper.Copy !req
186. Nobody else cares.Copy !req
187. There he is!Copy !req
188. The kid who hates us!Copy !req
189. Mr. Sanchez,Copy !req
190. what do you find
so boring about Preston?Copy !req
191. Are you bored right now?Copy !req
192. Do you think this
is a huge overreactionCopy !req
193. for something printed
in a high school newspaper?Copy !req
194. Well, to be honest...Copy !req
195. Oye Presidente Pedro,Copy !req
196. usted es un hombre despreciable!Copy !req
197. Not you, too, Felipe in the morning!Copy !req
198. Y ahora para la música nueva
que no es Reba McEntire!Copy !req
199. Here's your Helper.Copy !req
200. Sorry, we're out of hamburger.Copy !req
201. Thank you for sheltering meCopy !req
202. from the angry town,
Señorita Dinamita.Copy !req
203. It's nice to have
some diversity in the house.Copy !req
204. I don't know why you hate
Preston so much, Pedro.Copy !req
205. I can't think of a more exciting townCopy !req
206. from which to access the Internet.Copy !req
207. I don't hate Preston!Copy !req
208. I just made an innocent remarkCopy !req
209. that blew up in my face,
surprising me greatly.Copy !req
210. Yeah, that's the advantage
of being an old lady.Copy !req
211. I can say any rotten thing I wantCopy !req
212. and people just think
I'm a "character."Copy !req
213. Watch this.Copy !req
214. Hey, mailman!Copy !req
215. I get one more wet catalogCopy !req
216. and I'm putting a
bullet in your head!Copy !req
217. Oh, Mrs. Dynamite.Copy !req
218. You are a character!Copy !req
219. Things look bad now, but I'm
sure the good people of PrestonCopy !req
220. will eventually forgive me.Copy !req
221. You got that right, Pedrah.Copy !req
222. When I lost that big football game,Copy !req
223. I thought my life was ruined
forever, but look at me now!Copy !req
224. Whoop,
my underwear's done boiling!Copy !req
225. On second thought,
I better face the town nowCopy !req
226. so I can continue washing my
underwear like a human being.Copy !req
227. And there's my poached eggs!Copy !req
228. Pedro, you've done a great thing
by appearing here today.Copy !req
229. Yay.Copy !req
230. You've given us a focal point
to direct our various ragesCopy !req
231. and disappointments,
whatever those may be.Copy !req
232. I'm unemployed!Copy !req
233. My sports team lost!Copy !req
234. My liposuction hurts.Copy !req
235. My wives are plain and dim!Copy !req
236. We is.Copy !req
237. I'm sorry for all
your crazy problems,Copy !req
238. but if you'll allow me to explain...Copy !req
239. No! You might change our minds!Copy !req
240. Stone him!Copy !req
241. Don't worry, little
buddy, I got this.Copy !req
242. ♪ Nothing left for me to do
but dance ♪Copy !req
243. ♪ All these bad times
I'm going through... ♪Copy !req
244. Whoa, look at him prance
and strut about the stage.Copy !req
245. He's losing weight and having fun.Copy !req
246. What were we angry about again?Copy !req
247. It's a trap! He's trying to
dance his way into our hearts!Copy !req
248. Frankly, I'm surprised
it worked the first time.Copy !req
249. ♪ Grandma's very sleepyCopy !req
250. ♪ Firearms are safe with me ♪Copy !req
251. ♪ My foes will start respecting me ♪Copy !req
252. ♪ She's not sleepy as I thought ♪Copy !req
253. ♪ I'm going to eat some jelly.Copy !req
254. That's a catchy little
tune there, Kip.Copy !req
255. Let me try.Copy !req
256. ♪ Rico is the thief of hearts ♪Copy !req
257. ♪ Full of sexy body parts.Copy !req
258. Oh!Copy !req
259. Lunch is so much more funCopy !req
260. with just the two of us,
isn't it, Napoleon?Copy !req
261. What are you talking about?Copy !req
262. Pedro always shares his tots with me.Copy !req
263. I'll share with you.Copy !req
264. Forget that, Deb.Copy !req
265. All you ever eat is cottage cheese.Copy !req
266. You should've just
written a story aboutCopy !req
267. the Mineshaft Monster,
like I ordered you to.Copy !req
268. Pedro, come here.Copy !req
269. Hello, Napoleon.Copy !req
270. Hello, girl who ruined my life.Copy !req
271. Hello, guy who doesn't understandCopy !req
272. journalistic integrity.Copy !req
273. Well, I guess that's
that. Friends again.Copy !req
274. You guys want to go
throw stuff off a roof?Copy !req
275. We're not friends, Napoleon.Copy !req
276. Yeah, we're pretty much enemies.Copy !req
277. So I think you have to choose
who you want to hang out with.Copy !req
278. What? It took me 16 years
of putting up with idiotsCopy !req
279. to find two friends I could stand.Copy !req
280. I'm not choosing!Copy !req
281. Well, I'm not staying here with her.Copy !req
282. And I'm not staying here with him.Copy !req
283. He's not even here anymore!Copy !req
284. Ugh.
I hate sitting alone.Copy !req
285. Hi. I know you don't know me,
but can I sit with you guys?Copy !req
286. The more, the merrier.Copy !req
287. What's your name?Copy !req
288. Geez. Do you always talk this much?Copy !req
289. Hmph!Copy !req
290. Ugh.
I hate sitting alone.Copy !req
291. ♪ To think that only yesterdayCopy !req
292. ♪ I was cheerful, bright and gay ♪Copy !req
293. ♪ Looking forward to,
but who wouldn't do ♪Copy !req
294. ♪ The role I was about to playCopy !req
295. ♪ But as if to knock me downCopy !req
296. ♪ Reality came aroundCopy !req
297. ♪ And without
so much as a mere touch ♪Copy !req
298. ♪ Cut me into little piecesCopy !req
299. ♪ Leaving me to doubtCopy !req
300. ♪ Talk about God and His mercyCopy !req
301. ♪ Oh, if He really does existCopy !req
302. ♪ Why did He desert me?Copy !req
303. ♪ In my hour of needCopy !req
304. ♪ I truly am indeedCopy !req
305. ♪ Alone again
Checkmate.Copy !req
306. ♪ NaturallyCopy !req
307. ♪ Alone againCopy !req
308. ♪ Naturally.Copy !req
309. Okay, net's ready.Copy !req
310. We haven't played badminton
as a family in a long time.Copy !req
311. Yeah, well, normally I
play with Pedro and Deb,Copy !req
312. but I'm kinda stuck with you guys.Copy !req
313. Why don't you just imagine
we're your friends?Copy !req
314. That was sick.Copy !req
315. Okay, birdie-up!Copy !req
316. Ouch. You definitely put
some English on that.Copy !req
317. I think I have a chest concussion.Copy !req
318. Why are you so fragile?Copy !req
319. My eardrums!Copy !req
320. Napoleon, I know you
miss your friends,Copy !req
321. but you gotta be patient.Copy !req
322. Yeah, everyone will forget
how much they hate PedroCopy !req
323. when a new,
more exciting story comes along.Copy !req
324. Like a six-headed baby
or a war in outer space.Copy !req
325. Yeah, I guess that would do it.Copy !req
326. I think a bee went up my shorts.Copy !req
327. Oh.Copy !req
328. Yup, it did.Copy !req
329. Hmm?Copy !req
330. I like girl clothes.Copy !req
331. Yes!Copy !req
332. Thank you for coming here today.Copy !req
333. I can't believe you trapped us.Copy !req
334. And there weren't even
any girl clothes.Copy !req
335. Both of you shut up!
Here's the deal.Copy !req
336. I figured out a way for the
three of us to be buds again.Copy !req
337. But we're gonna
have to work together.Copy !req
338. I hope you went to
the activities boardCopy !req
339. to reserve this gym.Copy !req
340. Yeah, I talked to Lucy.Copy !req
341. We're good until next period.Copy !req
342. Go on, then.Copy !req
343. Look, Pedro wants the
town to stop hating him,Copy !req
344. Deb wants to be a good reporter,Copy !req
345. and everybody wants me to be happy.Copy !req
346. How do we accomplish these goals?Copy !req
347. Three simple words:Copy !req
348. "Mine Shaft Monster."Copy !req
349. You didn't talk to Lucy, did you?Copy !req
350. She was away from her desk!Copy !req
351. Look, we need a big news storyCopy !req
352. to knock Pedro off the front page,Copy !req
353. and a photo of the
Mineshaft Monster will do that.Copy !req
354. Forget it, Napoleon.Copy !req
355. There is no monster, except
the one I'm tied up next to.Copy !req
356. And while I do believe
in monsters of all types,Copy !req
357. I would never work
with someone who wouldCopy !req
358. sell out a friend
for a snappy headline.Copy !req
359. Fine, if you two don't give
a crap about our friendship,Copy !req
360. I'll just have to give enough
crap for the three of us!Copy !req
361. Why did you want girl clothes?Copy !req
362. Who doesn't?Copy !req
363. Oh, man, I remember this mineshaft.Copy !req
364. My friend, Dave, died
here in high school.Copy !req
365. I brought the prettiest
girl to that funeral.Copy !req
366. Her name was...Copy !req
367. Her name was Jordan,
you made out next to the coffin!Copy !req
368. You only tell this story,
like, every day.Copy !req
369. So when the monster shows,
you put him in a headlock,Copy !req
370. and I'll snap the picture.Copy !req
371. Then I'll try to save youCopy !req
372. before he rips out your
pancreas and drinks its juice.Copy !req
373. I don't know, Napoleon.Copy !req
374. I don't like having my picture taken.Copy !req
375. What was that?Copy !req
376. It was a freakin' coyote.Copy !req
377. It was the ghost of Dave.Copy !req
378. I still owe him money.Copy !req
379. How can you owe a ghost money?Copy !req
380. Because I bet him 20 bucksCopy !req
381. he wouldn't jump down that
mineshaft. You coming?Copy !req
382. No way! I'm not a big chicken
like you?Copy !req
383. Okay, Mineshaft Monster,
you don't scare me.Copy !req
384. But that owl sort of does.Copy !req
385. That makes it worse.Copy !req
386. I don't know how I feel about that.Copy !req
387. This is Napoleon's video journal.Copy !req
388. Let's see, it's day... one.Copy !req
389. I already ate all my food.Copy !req
390. It was pretty good.Copy !req
391. No sign of the Mineshaft Monster yet.Copy !req
392. Um, if you're watching this,Copy !req
393. that'd be pretty weird
'cause I'm pretendingCopy !req
394. this rock is a camera.Copy !req
395. I'm super cold,
I'm haunted by my past,Copy !req
396. and animals act really weird
at night.Copy !req
397. Shh...Copy !req
398. Eerie.Copy !req
399. Grandma, when I'm older,
can I have a gun?Copy !req
400. Nope.Copy !req
401. Can I dream of having a gun?Copy !req
402. Nope.Copy !req
403. What the...?!Copy !req
404. You left Napoleon out
in the woods by himself?!Copy !req
405. Are you an idiot?!Copy !req
406. Sure sometimes, but there was
this ghost you see, and...Copy !req
407. That was no ghost!Copy !req
408. That was the Mineshaft Monster!Copy !req
409. You believe in that nonsense?Copy !req
410. Permission to stay behind
and finish the dishes?Copy !req
411. Get inside!
Geez!Copy !req
412. Hey, Monster, come here.Copy !req
413. Don't worry, nobody's
gonna take a picture of you.Copy !req
414. Sucker.Copy !req
415. Oh, dang.Copy !req
416. I am Napoleon Dynamite
of the human race.Copy !req
417. Prepare to be photographed.Copy !req
418. Ah! It's bright!Copy !req
419. Deb, why are you wearing
a lame monster costume?Copy !req
420. I thought it was scary.Copy !req
421. My mom said it was scary.Copy !req
422. That's 'cause she's too supportive!Copy !req
423. What are you doing down here?Copy !req
424. I was worried about you
being out here all alone,Copy !req
425. so I thought I'd help
you get your picture.Copy !req
426. Drink coasters?
Macaroni?Copy !req
427. This isn't a monster...
it's freakin' rainy day fun.Copy !req
428. Are you going
to take my picture or what?Copy !req
429. Pedro?
Pedro?Copy !req
430. Now that's how you make
a monster, Deb.Copy !req
431. Fangs, appendages, no sequins.Copy !req
432. I was building it for the
Dia de los Muertos parade,Copy !req
433. but I decided to break it out earlyCopy !req
434. so you could get your picture.Copy !req
435. See?Copy !req
436. You guys thought
you hated each other,Copy !req
437. but you came up with the same planCopy !req
438. so we could all be friends again.Copy !req
439. Pedro just did it way cooler.Copy !req
440. Sorry, Deb. I just think
you suck at making monsters.Copy !req
441. Sorry I didn't get a
picture of the monster, Pedro.Copy !req
442. I guess I'm gonna be
on the front page forever.Copy !req
443. Wait, what if we start a big
fire, or a war in outer space?Copy !req
444. I don't think those are good ideas.Copy !req
445. At least I'm pitching.Copy !req
446. Thank goodness you're okay, Napoleon.Copy !req
447. That gol dang monster
could have deboned youCopy !req
448. and worn you like a human poncho.Copy !req
449. What's wrong with you people?Copy !req
450. There is no monster!Copy !req
451. Rico...!Copy !req
452. Dave!Copy !req
453. Dude, you still owe me 20 bucksCopy !req
454. for jumping down that mineshaft.Copy !req
455. I'll get you the money!Copy !req
456. You're just gonna have to waitCopy !req
457. till I sell my screenplay.
And write it.Copy !req
458. Got any ideas?Copy !req
459. Oh, for cryin' out...Copy !req
460. Listen, hippie...Copy !req
461. Put the grandma down.Copy !req
462. Hey, man, I don't want any trouble!Copy !req
463. Kip, you can't kill a ghost.Copy !req
464. You can't?Copy !req
465. Not without charmed weaponry.Copy !req
466. Gosh, read a book!Copy !req
467. Hey, Dave!
Double or nothing saysCopy !req
468. you won't jump down
that mineshaft again.Copy !req
469. 40 bucks?!
You're on, sucker!Copy !req
470. Ow. My ghost back.Copy !req
471. Idiot.Copy !req
472. Look at that!Copy !req
473. We're the original Ghostbusters!Copy !req
474. Deb, I thought that story wasCopy !req
475. supposed to knock me
off the front page.Copy !req
476. Well, at least you're below the fold.Copy !req
477. Yeah, took me 15 years to get there.Copy !req
478. Hey, you guys want to go
to the Tots 'n' NuggsCopy !req
479. and share your food with me?Copy !req
480. Who are you waving at, Napoleon?Copy !req
481. Just a friend, Deb.Copy !req
482. Just a friend.Copy !req
483. Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req