1. Dang.Copy !req
2. - Hello, Napoleon.
- Hey, Pedro.Copy !req
3. So, Pedro, the other day,Copy !req
4. I found, like,
a scientist's secret diary,Copy !req
5. and it said if you burp,
sneeze, fart and yawnCopy !req
6. at the same time, you explode.Copy !req
7. Science is amazing.Copy !req
8. B.S., Napoleon.Copy !req
9. Scientists don't keep diaries.Copy !req
10. They have logs.Copy !req
11. Secondly, I know two people
who have snee-furpedCopy !req
12. and lived to blog about it.Copy !req
13. Well, they're liars!Copy !req
14. All the air leaving your body
would create a super-vacuumCopy !req
15. and turn you into an upside-down
blood fountain. Gosh!Copy !req
16. This is the dumbest argument
I have ever heard.Copy !req
17. Let's try it and see who's right!Copy !req
18. My pack!Copy !req
19. The root beer
has reached the cabbage.Copy !req
20. I think we're a go.Copy !req
21. Initiating pepper cloud.Copy !req
22. Any last words, Napoleon?Copy !req
23. Pedro, if I die, have a hawk
sprinkle my ashes in Bear Lake.Copy !req
24. As you wish.Copy !req
25. Snee-furp in three,Copy !req
26. two and one.Copy !req
27. Have you boys seen my cabbage?Copy !req
28. Oh, there it is!Copy !req
29. What are you idiots looking at?Copy !req
30. Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!Copy !req
31. Get off of me!Copy !req
32. Oh.Copy !req
33. Sorry I didn't explode, guys.Copy !req
34. I totally forgot to yawn.Copy !req
35. Are you okay, Grandma?Copy !req
36. No, I'm not okay!Copy !req
37. Your dingbat brother just broke
my transition lenses!Copy !req
38. Boy, you really done it now.Copy !req
39. A good pair of photo-grays
will set you back $28,Copy !req
40. and that's without the croakies!Copy !req
41. these nephews of mine
need to get a job.Copy !req
42. Ow!Copy !req
43. Don't tell me how to raise my boys!Copy !req
44. Napoleon, you're getting a job
to pay for these.Copy !req
45. What about Kip?Copy !req
46. Kip's too frail for today's
modern workplace.Copy !req
47. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes.Copy !req
48. I can't see a thing.Copy !req
49. Why can't I be your eyes?Copy !req
50. Because I'm way better
at describing stuff.Copy !req
51. Like how I always say a baby's
hand looks like a starfish.Copy !req
52. Whoa! That is dead-on accurate,
Kipper.Copy !req
53. Hey, Napoleon,
we just refilled our bean bag chair.Copy !req
54. Do you want to come over
and sit in it with me?Copy !req
55. My mom will supervise.Copy !req
56. That sounds pretty sweet,Copy !req
57. but I'm kind of going through
a family crisis right now.Copy !req
58. Oh, my gosh, is there
anything I can do?Copy !req
59. Not unless you've got,
like, a billion dollarsCopy !req
60. for a new pair of these.Copy !req
61. Well, Napoleon, I know howCopy !req
62. debt can weigh on a man.Copy !req
63. So, I'm gonna recommend you drop out.Copy !req
64. Can't I just get an after-school job?Copy !req
65. Here's my résumé.Copy !req
66. You can call my references
to find out how awesome I am.Copy !req
67. Okeydokey.Copy !req
68. Hello?Copy !req
69. This is Suzanne Critchlow at P.H.S.Copy !req
70. Yeah, I'm checking references
on a Napoleon Dynamite.Copy !req
71. Yeah, he's okay, I guess.Copy !req
72. Wow, impressive.Copy !req
73. Well, let's seeCopy !req
74. what we have in the old
Job Opportunities Box.Copy !req
75. Peach pitter.
Lame.Copy !req
76. Midwife.
Gross.Copy !req
77. Prison snitch.Copy !req
78. Maybe.
Oh,Copy !req
79. well, this one's interesting.Copy !req
80. There's an animal breeding facilityCopy !req
81. that needs an extra hand.Copy !req
82. What kind of animal?Copy !req
83. Uh, I don't really know what this is.Copy !req
84. Would you object to working
with something called a...Copy !req
85. a liger?Copy !req
86. Huh?Copy !req
87. Are you freaking kidding me?Copy !req
88. I only had, like, 14 dreams
about them last night!Copy !req
89. It's a lion and tiger mixed,
bred for its skills in magic.Copy !req
90. They're the most gorgeous blend
of beastsCopy !req
91. that God never intended.Copy !req
92. Well, don't get too excited.Copy !req
93. It's 40 miles away.Copy !req
94. Hey, Grandma,
I just got a sweet new job!Copy !req
95. Kip, you suck!Copy !req
96. Well, that was uncalled for.Copy !req
97. Now read slowly, Kipper,
so Grandma can imagine.Copy !req
98. "As Lance emerged from the JacuzziCopy !req
99. and reached for his chaps,
a Savannah blew away his..."Copy !req
100. Blew away his what?Copy !req
101. Spit it out, Kip!Copy !req
102. Um... his undies.Copy !req
103. Grandma, does the Lord know
you're reading this?Copy !req
104. I'm not the one reading it, Kip.Copy !req
105. You are.Copy !req
106. Dang it.Copy !req
107. Well, hello, son.Copy !req
108. You must be the awkward boy
from the high school.Copy !req
109. I guess.Copy !req
110. Howdy, I'm Cody,Copy !req
111. and this is my mating partner, Dody.Copy !req
112. Who cares?
Where are the ligers?Copy !req
113. Now hold on to your ham steaks.Copy !req
114. Before we let you run
willy-nilly with our hybrids,Copy !req
115. we have to show you a
brief orientation film.Copy !req
116. Well, hurry up!Copy !req
117. America's Fighting Crossbreeds!Copy !req
118. Looking for a knockout blow
to end World War II,Copy !req
119. President Harry Truman
has a brainstorm.Copy !req
120. From an oval-shaped office
in the White House,Copy !req
121. Truman unveils his plans
for a new super weaponCopy !req
122. to our nation's top scientists.Copy !req
123. I call it a Lygor!Copy !req
124. Yee-hee! Yee-haw!Copy !req
125. I wish that guy was
our president right now.Copy !req
126. And thus, Shasta,
the first liger, was born.Copy !req
127. Just watch as he gives what-for
to these patriotic convicts.Copy !req
128. It wasn't long
before the pieces were in placeCopy !req
129. for a liger invasion.Copy !req
130. But ultimately, Truman lost interestCopy !req
131. and decided to go another way.Copy !req
132. But should atoms ever come
into short supply,Copy !req
133. we can all rest easy, knowing
our friend the ligerCopy !req
134. stands ready to fight...
for freedom!Copy !req
135. I'm so freaking proud right now.Copy !req
136. So Napoleon, are you ready
to see some ligers?Copy !req
137. I've been ready my whole life.Copy !req
138. Then I give you...Copy !req
139. Ligertown.Copy !req
140. These are ligers?Copy !req
141. I should have picked prison snitch.Copy !req
142. What have you done to the ligers?Copy !req
143. They're so peaceful and decroded!Copy !req
144. Are you kidding?Copy !req
145. These ligers have a lifestyle
most animals would dream of.Copy !req
146. Come here, Buttercup, Gingersnap!Copy !req
147. Brunch is ready!Copy !req
148. What are you feeding them?Copy !req
149. French toast sticks and tube yogurt.Copy !req
150. Aren't you doing anything to
cultivate their magic abilities?Copy !req
151. If you're referring
to the magic they've broughtCopy !req
152. into our childless marriage...Copy !req
153. I wasn't.Copy !req
154. Fair enough.Copy !req
155. Now, you strike me
as a boy who likes to sing.Copy !req
156. I'm pretty much the
best singer I know.Copy !req
157. Fantastic, 'cause
this is the time of dayCopy !req
158. where we sing the pride to sleep.Copy !req
159. ? Until then, babyCopy !req
160. ? Things will go your wayCopy !req
161. ? If you hold onCopy !req
162. ? For one more dayCopy !req
163. ? Hold on for one more day!Copy !req
164. I'm still pissed, but that was
a pretty sweet song.Copy !req
165. Kip, if anything happens to my SevilleCopy !req
166. while you're my eyes,Copy !req
167. it's coming out of your
next government check.Copy !req
168. Come on, get in there!Copy !req
169. Grandma, I don't feel good
about this.Copy !req
170. Maybe I should drive.Copy !req
171. You don't have the leg strength.Copy !req
172. Dang it.Copy !req
173. Hey, I'm pretty good at this!Copy !req
174. Child.Copy !req
175. Horse.Copy !req
176. Pedro.
Ay-yi-yi.Copy !req
177. Sister wives.Copy !req
178. Hey!Copy !req
179. By the by, where are we going?Copy !req
180. We're going to the Kuttin' Korral,Copy !req
181. so Lopan can frost my tips.Copy !req
182. Slower.Copy !req
183. Slowower.Copy !req
184. S.O.B.Copy !req
185. Hello, Princess!
How are you?Copy !req
186. You are oking so big and sexy today!Copy !req
187. Lopan, you sure know
how to treat a lady.Copy !req
188. Oh, stop it!
You are crazy!Copy !req
189. You are so big and crazy!Copy !req
190. Okay, listen up.Copy !req
191. I want everyone here to know,Copy !req
192. I'm very disappointed
in you as a species.Copy !req
193. What's your deal?Copy !req
194. Whoa! You're with child!Copy !req
195. Oh. Sick!Copy !req
196. Stay in there!Copy !req
197. Come on, guys!
Your lady needs you.Copy !req
198. Here.Copy !req
199. Shoot it into this.Copy !req
200. I'm not fainting about this.Copy !req
201. I'm fainting about something else.Copy !req
202. Napoleon? Napoleon?Copy !req
203. Tina, you noble lard, stop.Copy !req
204. I know you!Copy !req
205. You're... You're...Copy !req
206. I am Shasta, the first
and greatest of all ligers.Copy !req
207. My liege.Copy !req
208. I've always dreamed of meeting you.Copy !req
209. Can you read my thoughts?Copy !req
210. Hold on. Let me think of a number.Copy !req
211. Three.
Sweet!Copy !req
212. But that's not why
I summoned you to...Copy !req
213. Napoleon, please stop thinking
of numbers.Copy !req
214. Sorry.Copy !req
215. Mankind has reduced my breedCopy !req
216. to a life of gluttonous leisure
and be-tube-ed yogurt.Copy !req
217. So you want me to kill Cody and Dody?Copy !req
218. Why would you...?
No, Napoleon.Copy !req
219. The cub you birthed represents
our last hope.Copy !req
220. He is the chosen one,Copy !req
221. and he lies swaddled
in that 12-piece bucket.Copy !req
222. To you, I entrust the ultimate task:Copy !req
223. restoring the liger
to its once noble standing.Copy !req
224. You must become its father.Copy !req
225. Okay.Copy !req
226. Good-bye, Napoleon.Copy !req
227. Wait!
I have an important question.Copy !req
228. Yes, Napoleon?Copy !req
229. If you sneeze, fart, burpCopy !req
230. and yawn at the same time...Copy !req
231. Good-bye, Napoleon.Copy !req
232. I knew they could fly!Copy !req
233. I'm right about everything.Copy !req
234. My word is my bond, Shasta.Copy !req
235. You can count on me.Copy !req
236. Don't worry. I'll take
good care of him.Copy !req
237. And you'd better take dang
good care of my moon boot.Copy !req
238. Okay, little fella,
the first thing we're gonna doCopy !req
239. is learn how to hunt fresh steaks.Copy !req
240. Come on, go chase it!Copy !req
241. Increase your blood lust.Copy !req
242. Hey, Napoleon, the bead store
is having a sale on beads.Copy !req
243. Want to come with me?Copy !req
244. My mom will supervise.Copy !req
245. Can't you see I'm training my liger?Copy !req
246. Ohh, it's so cute.Copy !req
247. Careful, he'll rip your heart out!Copy !req
248. You mean melt my heart out.Copy !req
249. I know what I meant.Copy !req
250. Where's its mother?Copy !req
251. Uh, it's an orphan.Copy !req
252. I found it lying in a mini-snow cave.Copy !req
253. Well, you shouldn't
be feeding it raw meat.Copy !req
254. It needs mother's milk.Copy !req
255. I'm on it.Copy !req
256. Are you kidding me, Napoleon?Copy !req
257. These paps have been dry since '65.Copy !req
258. What about your grandma?Copy !req
259. No, it needs animal milk.Copy !req
260. Tina's a girl, right?Copy !req
261. How the heck should I know?Copy !req
262. Napoleon,Copy !req
263. it's working!Copy !req
264. Sweet.Copy !req
265. Hey, who's clawing the van?Copy !req
266. I'm trying to record a message
for my answering machine.Copy !req
267. You've reached Rico Industries.Copy !req
268. For romantic bodyguard services,
press one.Copy !req
269. For life coaching or human
scarecrow work, press two.Copy !req
270. Dang.Copy !req
271. You're becoming noble as crap.Copy !req
272. Father's proud of you.Copy !req
273. And mommy is, too.Copy !req
274. Uh...Copy !req
275. Huh?Copy !req
276. Look, Napoleon, he's laughing.Copy !req
277. Stop treating him like a baby.Copy !req
278. You've got to push him higher
so he can catch some air.Copy !req
279. Uh-oh.Copy !req
280. Are you okay?Copy !req
281. He's all right.Copy !req
282. He can handle way more G's than that.Copy !req
283. Napoleon,Copy !req
284. I know you mean well,Copy !req
285. but why are you so tough on him?Copy !req
286. Because if he doesn't have
a strong father figure,Copy !req
287. he's gonna turn out
to be strange and lonely.Copy !req
288. Trust me, I know.Copy !req
289. Oh, Napoleon, I don't think
you're either of those things.Copy !req
290. I was talking about Kip!Copy !req
291. Gosh!Copy !req
292. Come on, let's get out of here.Copy !req
293. I haven't taken a dump
in like five days.Copy !req
294. Dispatch...Copy !req
295. I'm currently under attackCopy !req
296. by some kind of wild feline species.Copy !req
297. Can I get a description?Copy !req
298. Well, it's a proud,
magnificent beast.Copy !req
299. A creature that moves
with liquid grace.Copy !req
300. Okay, I'll get this right over
to the mayor's office.Copy !req
301. I knew this day would come.
Good-bye, Tracy.Copy !req
302. Next stop, Orlando!Copy !req
303. Whee...Copy !req
304. Next stop, Orlando!Copy !req
305. Not my size.Copy !req
306. Not my style.Copy !req
307. Bingo!Copy !req
308. Too quick for you, furball.Copy !req
309. And that's how you punch
somedy in the brain.Copy !req
310. Let's have a big hand
for Sensei Trevor!Copy !req
311. My allergies.Copy !req
312. Did somebody bring a cat in here?Copy !req
313. Starla, help!Copy !req
314. Hey, Eyeballs,Copy !req
315. how do Grandma's pumpkins
look in this one?Copy !req
316. Oh, man.Copy !req
317. They're huge and ferocious.Copy !req
318. That's what your grandpa used to say.Copy !req
319. I'm serious, Grandma,Copy !req
320. there's a couple of
mutant pumas outsideCopy !req
321. trying to crush your car.Copy !req
322. My car?Copy !req
323. Jeeeeeeeeeez!Copy !req
324. People, these ligers present us
with a crisis the likes of whichCopy !req
325. we haven't seen since
the British Invasion of '64.Copy !req
326. I think we all need
rinato u in the same mugCopy !req
327. and sprinkle it on our crops.Copy !req
328. That's your answer
to everything, Lyle!Copy !req
329. I'm gonna organize me a
safari and make some money.Copy !req
330. I hear liger blood is an
aphrodisiac in Mogadishu.Copy !req
331. Everybody, shut up!Copy !req
332. With the mayor and police chief gone,Copy !req
333. I reluctantly volunteer my servicesCopy !req
334. to lead you weaklings to victory!Copy !req
335. I second and approve that, baby.Copy !req
336. Well, according to the city charter,Copy !req
337. the chain of command falls
to the student body president.Copy !req
338. I accept.Copy !req
339. This is bull crap!Copy !req
340. I challenge your authority.Copy !req
341. Security, have him removed.Copy !req
342. You got it, jefe.Copy !req
343. I'm a heartbeat away, Pedro!Copy !req
344. Heartbeat away!Copy !req
345. Okay, I think this liger
invasion can be solvedCopy !req
346. without any bloodshed.Copy !req
347. In my village,
when a monster came to town,Copy !req
348. such as a chupacabra, or Satan,Copy !req
349. they were just searching
for something.Copy !req
350. Money?
A state championship?Copy !req
351. A crazy Brazilian blowout?Copy !req
352. Maybe.Copy !req
353. Or maybe it's something less stupid.Copy !req
354. Hmm...Copy !req
355. Do you think everyone in the restaurantCopy !req
356. thought we were married?Copy !req
357. If they did, it was the
worst freaking honeymoonCopy !req
358. I've ever been on.Copy !req
359. What's going on?Copy !req
360. Oh, crud.Copy !req
361. Run!Copy !req
362. You didn't find that cub in
a mini-snow cave, did you?Copy !req
363. Uhhh...Copy !req
364. Get in!Copy !req
365. Faster...Copy !req
366. faster...Copy !req
367. faster...Copy !req
368. S.O.B.Copy !req
369. Aim for the bladder.Copy !req
370. That's nature's gas tank.Copy !req
371. Hello, Napoleon.Copy !req
372. It's Pedro.Copy !req
373. As your best friend and mayor,
I urge you to give back the baby.Copy !req
374. A baby?Copy !req
375. What's he talking about?Copy !req
376. I don't know.Copy !req
377. Napoleon took this liger
cub from his mother,Copy !req
378. and we've been raising
him as our own.Copy !req
379. He's adorable.Copy !req
380. Let's see what I can get for him.Copy !req
381. All right, listen up!Copy !req
382. You can have your cub,Copy !req
383. but first I want a ten-pound bag
of butterscotch candy.Copy !req
384. And I'd like
to have my gutters cleaned,Copy !req
385. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
386. I can't give him back.Copy !req
387. He hasn't even learned how
to cast spells or bend time.Copy !req
388. Napoleon, I know how
much you love ligers,Copy !req
389. but they're just wild animals.Copy !req
390. They're not magic.Copy !req
391. I always knew this about you, Deb.Copy !req
392. I could never be with a womanCopy !req
393. that didn't believe
in the mystical realm.Copy !req
394. I'm sorry you feel that way,Copy !req
395. but if you're not gonna
give him back, I will.Copy !req
396. Where is he?Copy !req
397. Easy, Easy.Copy !req
398. Look, I'm just gonna be
straight up with you guys.Copy !req
399. I had your baby like ten seconds ago,Copy !req
400. but I don't know
where he is right now.Copy !req
401. Now before you guys
tear me to shreds,Copy !req
402. I want you to know that I really
tried to raise your cubCopy !req
403. to be a king among ligers.Copy !req
404. Given the proper time and resources,Copy !req
405. I had even hoped
to teach him how to...Copy !req
406. Whoa.Copy !req
407. You really are the chosen one.Copy !req
408. Lucky.Copy !req
409. Aww.Copy !req
410. Today, the tears on my
face are not just tattoos.Copy !req
411. I guess you were right, Napoleon.Copy !req
412. They are magical.Copy !req
413. Swear you'll never forget me,Copy !req
414. and if I ever have
children of my own,Copy !req
415. I promise I won't like
them as much as you.Copy !req
416. Everybody say "cheese."Copy !req
417. Cheese.Copy !req
418. By the power
inexplicably vested in me,Copy !req
419. I declare that whole area
over there a liger preserve.Copy !req
420. Yay!Copy !req
421. Hey, that's where I live.Copy !req
422. We can fight them in court, baby!Copy !req
423. Napoleon.Copy !req
424. Napoleon.Copy !req
425. Shasta.Copy !req
426. Well done, Napoleon.Copy !req
427. You have truly restored my pride.Copy !req
428. Double meaning, sweet.Copy !req
429. I offer this knowledge
as your reward:Copy !req
430. Snee-furps are impossible.Copy !req
431. At least in your dimension.Copy !req
432. Bummer.Copy !req
433. Will I ever see you again?Copy !req
434. Something tells me...Copy !req
435. no.Copy !req
436. Aww.Copy !req
437. I know you said you'd never
like your future childrenCopy !req
438. as much as you liked our liger,Copy !req
439. but I really think you'll
make a good dad someday.Copy !req
440. Say it, don't spray it, Deb.Copy !req
441. Sorry.Copy !req
442. That's okay.Copy !req
443. And just so you know,Copy !req
444. if I ever have kids and get
killed in a car accident,Copy !req
445. I totally want you to raise them.Copy !req
446. And get my car fixed,Copy !req
447. 'cause it'll probably
be a pretty sweet car.Copy !req
448. Hello, Napoleon.Copy !req
449. Hello, Deb.Copy !req
450. What's up, Pedro?Copy !req
451. Well, I'm still technically
the mayor till 5:00,Copy !req
452. so if there's anything
illegal you want to do,Copy !req
453. I can pardon you.
Really?Copy !req
454. Sweet!Copy !req
455. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
456. This is the best
freaking day of my life!Copy !req
457. You've reached Rico Industries.Copy !req
458. Please listen carefully as
the menu options have changed.Copy !req
459. If you're calling
about quarterback opportunities,Copy !req
460. press one.Copy !req
461. For tours of Indian graveyards,
press two.Copy !req
462. If you're calling to obtain
the rights to my life story,Copy !req
463. press three.Copy !req
464. If you are interested in joining
my pyramid scam, press four.Copy !req
465. For closet organization tips,
press five.Copy !req
466. I'm still waiting on
FDA approval, so hang in there.Copy !req
467. If you believe you are my son,
press six.Copy !req
468. If this is about my line
of antidepressant muffins,Copy !req