1. - Excellent work, Don.
- Yeah!Copy !req
2. - Napoleon, what do you see here?
- Easy.Copy !req
3. It's a Samurai warrior relaxingCopy !req
4. after a long day
of defending his prefecture.Copy !req
5. Wrong!
It's young newlyweds...Copy !req
6. enjoying a refreshing lemonade
on a porch swing.Copy !req
7. Don?Copy !req
8. Now, I see it.Copy !req
9. A+, Don!Copy !req
10. Through this experiment,
I've proven that pain is very real.Copy !req
11. Now, tomorrow, we're going to be
studying the science of love...Copy !req
12. human love.Copy !req
13. - What?
- He said "Love... human love".Copy !req
14. This is the Scantronica 3000,Copy !req
15. the most accurate barometer
of human compatibilityCopy !req
16. ever created.Copy !req
17. Ooh...Copy !req
18. Tonight you will
fill out these cards.Copy !req
19. Tomorrow Scantronica will pair you upCopy !req
20. with your ideal mate.Copy !req
21. You mean that computer
will bring my true love to me,Copy !req
22. no matter how oblivious he is?Copy !req
23. Yes, Deborah.Copy !req
24. Unlike a bad lover,
science never lies.Copy !req
25. Isn't that right, Scantronica?Copy !req
26. Refill paper tray.Copy !req
27. Yes, my sweet.Copy !req
28. Ugh! Get a room.Copy !req
29. Grandma, wake up.Copy !req
30. This better be good.Copy !req
31. I was skinny-dipping
with Merle Haggard.Copy !req
32. I just mastered the Horizontal EnigmaCopy !req
33. with my Fushigi Ball.Copy !req
34. Behold.Copy !req
35. Ooh, how am I doing this?Copy !req
36. Magical energies?Copy !req
37. Maybe so.Copy !req
38. Fascinating.Copy !req
39. Whoa, Kip!Copy !req
40. Are you in league with Lucifer?Copy !req
41. In that case, you could
perform at birthday partiesCopy !req
42. and make some serious moola.Copy !req
43. But I don't even have a manager.Copy !req
44. All right, I'll do it!
First order of business,Copy !req
45. you need a flashier name.Copy !req
46. Kip Dynamite... boring!Copy !req
47. This Scantronica stuff
is a pile of bull.Copy !req
48. Technology will never
fulfill my desires.Copy !req
49. What did you put
for "walks on the beach"?Copy !req
50. Long or short?Copy !req
51. I hate the beach.Copy !req
52. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
53. If you ask me,
there's only two questionsCopy !req
54. that matter for compatibility:Copy !req
55. What's your favorite kind of hawk?Copy !req
56. And "How many do you own?"Copy !req
57. Do you think a girl like SummerCopy !req
58. would rather live in a house,
apartment, mansion or shack?Copy !req
59. Why are you trying
to get with Summer?Copy !req
60. Everyone knows she loves Don.Copy !req
61. Ow!Copy !req
62. Yeah!Copy !req
63. You're hilarious, Don!Copy !req
64. Shut up and tot me, babe.Copy !req
65. Now malt me.Copy !req
66. Mmm!Copy !req
67. Maybe you're right...Copy !req
68. I'll just fill it out with honesty.Copy !req
69. Hey, Napoleon!Copy !req
70. What the heck was that for?Copy !req
71. I was trying to tot you.Copy !req
72. Psycho!Copy !req
73. Hello.
I didn't see you there.Copy !req
74. My name is Kip Create,
and welcome to my worldCopy !req
75. of creative entertainment.Copy !req
76. Check out some of my moves,
if you dare.Copy !req
77. I can do the squid, the jellyfish,Copy !req
78. and I'm great with kids.Copy !req
79. Hi, there, little guy.Copy !req
80. Hey, Mr. Create.Copy !req
81. How much would you charge
to perform at my baptism?Copy !req
82. $80.
Here's $90.Copy !req
83. Book Kip Create today
for your next birthday party,Copy !req
84. funeral or ladies' night.Copy !req
85. I'll never write anything
that good again.Copy !req
86. And...Copy !req
87. cut!
Nailed it.Copy !req
88. I'll say! Now we just
have to go house to houseCopy !req
89. to show people this tape.Copy !req
90. Gently, students; gently.Copy !req
91. You know what to do.Copy !req
92. Santo Valentino,
please guide my card.Copy !req
93. There.Copy !req
94. And now Scantronica
will seductively processCopy !req
95. your love data.Copy !req
96. Yes!Copy !req
97. Matchups complete.Copy !req
98. I've just been told
the matchups are complete.Copy !req
99. Once you hear Scantronica's
logic-based love assignments,Copy !req
100. you'll realize what a useless
organ the human heart really is.Copy !req
101. Jean and Gene.Copy !req
102. - Aw...
- Of course!Copy !req
103. How did I never see that?Copy !req
104. Summer and Pedro.Copy !req
105. Hijole!Copy !req
106. What?
No...!Copy !req
107. Napoleon and Tokiko.Copy !req
108. Oh, Napoleon, I knew I'd get you!Copy !req
109. I'll own a hobby store, and
you'll be a stay-at-home dadCopy !req
110. and... Wait!
Who's Tokiko?Copy !req
111. How the heck should I know?Copy !req
112. Oh, I forgot to introduceCopy !req
113. our new foreign-exchange
student, Tokiko.Copy !req
114. Konnichiwa.Copy !req
115. Then who did I get?Copy !req
116. Deb and...Copy !req
117. Don.Copy !req
118. But Don's a D-bag!Copy !req
119. Your D-bag, baby!Copy !req
120. Yeah!Copy !req
121. Don't leave him hanging.Copy !req
122. Me and Don?Copy !req
123. There must be something
wrong with that computer.Copy !req
124. I know Scantronica will be
right about me and Summer.Copy !req
125. As soon as she stops crying.Copy !req
126. Why?Copy !req
127. I guess I should go comfort her
about having to date me.Copy !req
128. You're taking the experiment
too seriously, Deb.Copy !req
129. The computer doesn't know
anything about us.Copy !req
130. It said I was compatibleCopy !req
131. with that chick over there...Copy !req
132. who just pulled
a freaking katana bladeCopy !req
133. out of her backpack.Copy !req
134. Later, Deb.Copy !req
135. Dave, right?
Deb.Copy !req
136. Okay, this makes a little
more sense, then.Copy !req
137. Anyway, my folks want to make
sure you're good enough for me.Copy !req
138. - Want to come over after school?
- I don't know.Copy !req
139. Sure.Copy !req
140. Why not?Copy !req
141. Ooh...Copy !req
142. Hey, this is my street corner.Copy !req
143. You're stealing my crowd.Copy !req
144. Listen, robot man,
there's one and a half of usCopy !req
145. and only one of you.Copy !req
146. So why don't you just
head back to outer space?Copy !req
147. Street freaks, unite!Copy !req
148. Oh, dear.Copy !req
149. Hold on to your Fushigi, Kipper.Copy !req
150. Let's ice that punk.Copy !req
151. Lookie here, our first dollar.Copy !req
152. Ooh...Copy !req
153. Napoleon, what are you
doing in my lucky kimono?Copy !req
154. There's an awesome Japanese girl
coming over,Copy !req
155. and I want to make a good impression.Copy !req
156. Dang it.Copy !req
157. This could be my only chance
to fulfill my destinyCopy !req
158. as a wandering samurai bladesman.Copy !req
159. Oh, my junk.Copy !req
160. Come here, grasshopper.Copy !req
161. Thanks, Grandma, you're the best.Copy !req
162. She's here. Get lost.Copy !req
163. You speak Japanese?Copy !req
164. I stayed up all night,
mastering your tongue.Copy !req
165. I just miss Don so much.Copy !req
166. I wonder who he's
making fun of right now.Copy !req
167. Probably someone who
doesn't deserve it.Copy !req
168. I know.Copy !req
169. Don's incredible.Copy !req
170. It's your shot.Copy !req
171. Uh, this day just keepsCopy !req
172. getting worse!Copy !req
173. Ow!Copy !req
174. Ooh...Copy !req
175. Oh, my.Copy !req
176. The last time I was bit
by a rattlesnake on this hole,Copy !req
177. Don just laughed.Copy !req
178. I am not Don.Copy !req
179. Wow, you are really tan.Copy !req
180. And you've obviously been
working on your beach body.Copy !req
181. Let's just say, I've been
getting ready for Summer.Copy !req
182. Ooh...Copy !req
183. Mom, this is the girlCopy !req
184. the machine gave me.Copy !req
185. People call her Deb.Copy !req
186. It's short for Deborah.Copy !req
187. And you're short for adorable.Copy !req
188. These are Don's sisters,
Dolly, Daisy, and Daphne.Copy !req
189. They're all D names.Copy !req
190. I never thought of that.Copy !req
191. Welcome to the family, Deb.Copy !req
192. Come on, Don, sports.Copy !req
193. Oh, boy! Sports!Copy !req
194. Those men and their sports.Copy !req
195. Your home is beautiful, Mrs. Moser.Copy !req
196. You know, I used
to tell people I lived here,Copy !req
197. back when my family was
going through challenges.Copy !req
198. You're hysterical, Deb.Copy !req
199. You know, I can tell by
your homemade clothes,Copy !req
200. that you have a penchant
for arts and crafts.Copy !req
201. It's my favorite thing in the world.Copy !req
202. I hope that doesn't sound conceited.Copy !req
203. Well, if it's your
favorite thing in the world,Copy !req
204. then this will be your
favorite place in the world.Copy !req
205. Welcome to the Moser
scrapbooking room.Copy !req
206. Wow!Copy !req
207. This used to be the maid's room,Copy !req
208. till we found out she was
bringing her kid to work.Copy !req
209. Curvy scissors?Copy !req
210. Two-sided tape?Copy !req
211. Is that glitter or glue?Copy !req
212. It's both, Deb.Copy !req
213. If I had a room like
this, I'd never leave.Copy !req
214. And you don't have to, Deb,Copy !req
215. if you promise yourself to Don.Copy !req
216. I always thought Don
would marry Summer.Copy !req
217. Summer?Copy !req
218. We don't really care for her.Copy !req
219. Yeah, she thinks she's all that.Copy !req
220. But you don't think you're anything.Copy !req
221. So, what do you say?Copy !req
222. I don't know.Copy !req
223. Promising yourself to someone
is a serious thing.Copy !req
224. It's my whole future.Copy !req
225. Well, how do you see your future?Copy !req
226. Hi, I'm selling...Copy !req
227. Can't you read?Copy !req
228. No solicitors.Copy !req
229. Napoleon? It's me, Deb.Copy !req
230. Oh, hey, Deb.Copy !req
231. What's it been, like,
30 freaking years?Copy !req
232. More or less.
You look good.Copy !req
233. Yeah, I'm pretty much the
best-looking I've ever been.Copy !req
234. Napoleon, you didn't tell
me you had sad company.Copy !req
235. You must be the friend from high
school he never talks about.Copy !req
236. We should double date sometime,
with you and Don.Copy !req
237. I didn't marry Don.Copy !req
238. I didn't marry anyone.Copy !req
239. You snooze, you lose.Copy !req
240. Right, my little mochi balls?Copy !req
241. Sayonara, fat future Deb.Copy !req
242. Fat future Deb...Copy !req
243. Fat future Deb...Copy !req
244. What do you say, fat future Deb?Copy !req
245. What was that?Copy !req
246. I said, "What do you say,Copy !req
247. thin present-day Deb"?Copy !req
248. E5, drop for your sensei.Copy !req
249. Master Kwon Do,Copy !req
250. I'd like you to meet my
scientifically chosen soul mate,Copy !req
251. Tokiko.Copy !req
252. Well, it's an honor to have
a full-blown Asian ladyCopy !req
253. in my dojo.Copy !req
254. Let me show you the improvements
I've made to your ancient art.Copy !req
255. Dynamite, engage!Copy !req
256. Admit defeat.
You admit defeat.Copy !req
257. Hey, China Beach, who's the victor?Copy !req
258. Stop! I've seen enough!Copy !req
259. Tokiko, what's wrong?Copy !req
260. Why aren't you giggling?Copy !req
261. Napoleon, I love martial arts,
but I came to your countryCopy !req
262. to learn how to be an American girl.Copy !req
263. I want to make friendsCopy !req
264. and then say mean things
behind their backs.Copy !req
265. I want to go to the prom,Copy !req
266. and throw up in a limo.Copy !req
267. I want to make everything I say
sound like a question?Copy !req
268. Lame.Copy !req
269. Napoleon, there's a lot more to meCopy !req
270. than my amazing samurai abilities.Copy !req
271. But I don't think
you'll ever see past that.Copy !req
272. Probably not.Copy !req
273. So just friends then?Copy !req
274. Um, I'd, like, really like that?Copy !req
275. Never turn your back on anyone!Copy !req
276. My back listens to no man.Copy !req
277. I don't know about this, Rico.Copy !req
278. Nobody hired me to perform here.Copy !req
279. That don't matter.Copy !req
280. Once they see you gift for illusion,Copy !req
281. they'll be filling
your culottes with cash.Copy !req
282. Ouch.Copy !req
283. Hello, I'm Kip Create,Copy !req
284. and I'm here to dazzle you.Copy !req
285. Oh, dang!Copy !req
286. Faster, Rico, faster!Copy !req
287. Man, we've been doing
a lot of running today.Copy !req
288. What's wrong, Scantronica?Copy !req
289. You used to light up when I did this.Copy !req
290. Replace bulb.Copy !req
291. Oh, thank heavens.Copy !req
292. Professor Koontz, guess what?Copy !req
293. Your stupid machine is
a big steaming pile of crud.Copy !req
294. Whoa, whoa, let's not say
anything we're going to regret.Copy !req
295. I totally mismatched me.Copy !req
296. It doesn't know anything about love.Copy !req
297. Doesn't it, Napoleon?Copy !req
298. That's it, students.Copy !req
299. Enjoy each other.Copy !req
300. Reap while the corn still grows high.Copy !req
301. Sick.Copy !req
302. I know I'm not the only oneCopy !req
303. who thinks this is stupid.Copy !req
304. Deb got paired up
with that lame-wad, Don.Copy !req
305. Hey, Napoleon.Copy !req
306. Deb! Look out!Copy !req
307. There's a muskrat on your head!Copy !req
308. Don likes it.Copy !req
309. Who cares?
Don likes mayonnaise.Copy !req
310. Mayonnaise is the best.Copy !req
311. Hey, everybody, Deb and I are havingCopy !req
312. an awesome promise ring ceremony
on my dad's houseboat.Copy !req
313. And none of you are invited.Copy !req
314. Can you believe it?Copy !req
315. I'm engaged to be engaged
to be engaged.Copy !req
316. Awww...Copy !req
317. A ring's gonna look
so good on that finger.Copy !req
318. I believe you have something
to say to Scantronica.Copy !req
319. Heck, yes, I do.Copy !req
320. Uh, can I have a hall pass?Copy !req
321. Pedro, we've got to stop
Deb from going throughCopy !req
322. with that dumb promise ring ceremony.Copy !req
323. It's no big deal.Copy !req
324. But Deb never breaks a promise.Copy !req
325. She's super honest.Copy !req
326. You know how we're, like,Copy !req
327. supposed to pay for
our school lunches?Copy !req
328. She actually does.Copy !req
329. So do I, Napoleon.Copy !req
330. I pay for yours, too.Copy !req
331. Sucker...Copy !req
332. So, you gonna help me or what?Copy !req
333. I'd like to, Napoleon,Copy !req
334. but I worked very hard
to win Summer's heartCopy !req
335. and make her forget all about Don.Copy !req
336. Don?Copy !req
337. Did somebody say "Don"?Copy !req
338. Was it Don?Copy !req
339. Okay, we're in.Copy !req
340. Did you say, "We're Don"?Copy !req
341. Oy...Copy !req
342. I can't believe you finally
got me a gig, Uncle Rico.Copy !req
343. And on the high seas, no less.Copy !req
344. If there's one thing
rich people love,Copy !req
345. it's amateur entertainment.Copy !req
346. Thanks for the dress, Mrs. Moser.Copy !req
347. I didn't know I could ever
be this pretty.Copy !req
348. What?Copy !req
349. Don't panic, Deb.Copy !req
350. It's just a laugh line.Copy !req
351. A hideous, disfiguring laugh line.Copy !req
352. Don shouldn't have to see
that on his special day, Mom.Copy !req
353. Yes, let's go below deck
and get that fixed right up.Copy !req
354. Oh, Don looks so handsomeCopy !req
355. in his houseboat clothes.Copy !req
356. I'll say, he could be a
presenter at an awards show.Copy !req
357. Maybe at the Butthole Awards.Copy !req
358. We gotta get out to that houseboat.Copy !req
359. That gives me an idea.Copy !req
360. Follow me.Copy !req
361. This better be a really good idea.Copy !req
362. That was easy.Copy !req
363. It's almost starting.Copy !req
364. Hurry!Copy !req
365. Sit right here, Deb.Copy !req
366. This is Dr. Jeff.Copy !req
367. He's our in-houseboat
plastic surgeon.Copy !req
368. Plastic surgeon?Copy !req
369. Relax, Deb, this is a
very simple procedure.Copy !req
370. I'm just gonna cut your face off,Copy !req
371. scoop some fat out of the cheeks,Copy !req
372. and staple it back into place.Copy !req
373. What do you say?
Are you with me?Copy !req
374. No, I'm not.Copy !req
375. It's okay, Deb,
we've all had it done.Copy !req
376. Aah!
I am not having plastic surgery.Copy !req
377. Deb's right, there's no time.Copy !req
378. We'll Botox her.Copy !req
379. We've gathered here today
to bind two peopleCopy !req
380. in a non-binding promise.Copy !req
381. Scantronica, do you have the rings?Copy !req
382. Of course you do.Copy !req
383. Don, you look pale
and handsome, as always.Copy !req
384. Tans are for poor people.Copy !req
385. And Deborah, you have not
been able to wipe that grinCopy !req
386. from your face since
you boarded this barge.Copy !req
387. Help me.Copy !req
388. Bless your heart.Copy !req
389. I don't know if we should
go through with this.Copy !req
390. Deb looks pretty happy.Copy !req
391. That's not happiness,
that's the Moser Botox glow.Copy !req
392. And it's supposed to be on my face.Copy !req
393. In that case, we're still a go.Copy !req
394. Donald, do you promise
to one day make a promiseCopy !req
395. to take Deb
as your lawfully wedded wife?Copy !req
396. Okay.Copy !req
397. And Deborah,
my delicate mashed potato,Copy !req
398. - do you promise...
- No.Copy !req
399. - ... to promise...
- No.Copy !req
400. to obey DonaldCopy !req
401. and cater to his
every whim and fancy?Copy !req
402. Still no.Copy !req
403. Pedro...Copy !req
404. did you place any detonation chargesCopy !req
405. on the bottom of the boat?Copy !req
406. Was I supposed to?Copy !req
407. No, but it would have been sweet.Copy !req
408. I guess we'll just have to
be explosive with our words.Copy !req
409. Hey, Deb!Copy !req
410. Don't do this.Copy !req
411. Napoleon?Copy !req
412. I owe you an apology.Copy !req
413. I'm sorry that I was right all along.Copy !req
414. That machine is stupid.Copy !req
415. I shouldn't be with Tokiko,
and you shouldn't be with Don.Copy !req
416. Are you saying you and I should
be promised to each other?Copy !req
417. What? No.Copy !req
418. Awww...Copy !req
419. He loves her.Copy !req
420. Everyone shut up!Copy !req
421. Mind your own business!Copy !req
422. Come on, Deb, let's get out of here.Copy !req
423. Oh, you're not going anywhere.Copy !req
424. What are you gonna do about it?Copy !req
425. I got this.Copy !req
426. No, it's too dangerous.Copy !req
427. Don't worry, you don't
become head cheerleaderCopy !req
428. without cracking a few skulls.Copy !req
429. I'll miss you, Pedro.Copy !req
430. Thanks for taking me to Mexico.Copy !req
431. That was my house.Copy !req
432. Hi-ya!Copy !req
433. Chick fight! Yeah!Copy !req
434. Out of my way, you classy hag.Copy !req
435. Resistance is futile, Napoleon.Copy !req
436. You're tangling with a force
you don't understand...Copy !req
437. the upper-middle class!Copy !req
438. Kip?Copy !req
439. Hello. I'm Kip Create.Copy !req
440. Welcome to my world
of illusion and hypnotic dance.Copy !req
441. Look at that ball!Copy !req
442. Why does he always need attention?Copy !req
443. I think he's creating
a diversion for us.Copy !req
444. Oh. Sweet.Copy !req
445. Thanks, Kip.Copy !req
446. Better hang on.Copy !req
447. This is gonna be awesome.Copy !req
448. Oy, yo-yoy!Copy !req
449. This thing rips!Copy !req
450. If I was upper-middle class,Copy !req
451. I'd rent the crap
out of one of these.Copy !req
452. You'll always be upper-middle classCopy !req
453. to me, Napoleon.Copy !req
454. Hey, you got your
plain old face back.Copy !req
455. I missed it.Copy !req
456. - Aw...
- Shut up!Copy !req
457. Yes!Copy !req
458. Orale!Copy !req
459. Napoleon!Copy !req
460. Get that thing out of the pool!Copy !req
461. I'm trying to Aqua Jog!Copy !req
462. And we're looking
for buried treasure.Copy !req
463. Fine!Copy !req
464. You boys get out of the pool, too.Copy !req
465. I'm gonna do some stretches
you might not want to see.Copy !req
466. Uh, 'nuff said, Carlinda.
Come on, Kip.Copy !req
467. I wish there were more goblets.Copy !req