1. Jeez!Copy !req
2. Dang!Copy !req
3. This is my favorite gas station
to shop at.Copy !req
4. Where else can you buy a wiper blade
and off brand energy drink?Copy !req
5. Grandma, will you buy me
this tiny rolled up horoscope?Copy !req
6. Stop asking her to buy you stuff,
you're like 17 freaking years old!Copy !req
7. Grandma, will you buy me this lighterCopy !req
8. that's shaped like dice
and says "High Roller?"Copy !req
9. Will you two shut up?Copy !req
10. I'm trying to order dinner.Copy !req
11. How many hours has this chicken
been under this heat lamp?Copy !req
12. Depends.
How many hours is in three days?Copy !req
13. Hmm. That piece looks good.Copy !req
14. Kip! Quit hogging all
the good breast meat!Copy !req
15. Napoleon, I already called this baby.Copy !req
16. Uncle Rico, tell Kip to quit eatingCopy !req
17. all the gas station chicken.Copy !req
18. Napoleon, you made me
lose my spot again.Copy !req
19. Now I gotta start all over.Copy !req
20. "Brian was a quarterback,
but he was also a detective."Copy !req
21. Man, I'm so confused.Copy !req
22. You better not eat that breast, Kip.Copy !req
23. Try and stop me, Napoleon.Copy !req
24. You do you die.Copy !req
25. What?
You do you die.Copy !req
26. I'm sick of you always
taking my stuff, Kip!Copy !req
27. Name three times in
chronological order.Copy !req
28. Okay.Copy !req
29. Wah!Copy !req
30. Here's my list.Copy !req
31. You look tired, Santa.
Take a break.Copy !req
32. Thanks!
Wait, Santa!Copy !req
33. Scram!
Santa will be back next year.Copy !req
34. Whoa...Copy !req
35. Fine, then.
You can have my skin.Copy !req
36. Think fast.
My eyes!Copy !req
37. Dang it.
The grease... it kills!Copy !req
38. Oh, man! The diamonds
are in the football!Copy !req
39. I did not see that coming!Copy !req
40. Hold still, Kip!Copy !req
41. Kip, you only talk to
this girl on the computer.Copy !req
42. It could just be that
neighbor boy pranking you again.Copy !req
43. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
44. Read this saucy excerpt
from our last chat.Copy !req
45. "I have to come into town
for dog food anyway,Copy !req
46. so I guess I'll meet you."Copy !req
47. Tell me that's not real.Copy !req
48. What?Copy !req
49. Holy crap!Copy !req
50. What happened to your forehead?Copy !req
51. Kip hucked some chicken skin at me,Copy !req
52. and it gave me a butt load of zits.Copy !req
53. He's always disrespecting meCopy !req
54. 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body!Copy !req
55. Napoleon, your face
is making me sick.Copy !req
56. Go into the bathroom
and pop those things.Copy !req
57. I already tried.
They're not ready yet.Copy !req
58. See?Copy !req
59. You're not doing it right.Copy !req
60. Get over here.Copy !req
61. Jeez!Copy !req
62. Ow, ow! Stop!
Hold still.Copy !req
63. It kills! Dang it!
Hold still!Copy !req
64. Well, the roots are too deep.Copy !req
65. They're digging into the skull.Copy !req
66. I told you they weren't ready.Copy !req
67. Try stabbing it with a blade.Copy !req
68. Good idea, Kipper.Copy !req
69. You guys are idiots!Copy !req
70. I don't know, Napoleon.Copy !req
71. Looks to me like you got some kind ofCopy !req
72. egg-sack lodged in there.Copy !req
73. Maybe hobo spiders.Copy !req
74. Really?Copy !req
75. Hey, this ought to take care
of your chicken zits.Copy !req
76. Rack-U-Tane?Copy !req
77. Actually, that's the last tube
I'm legally allowed to sell.Copy !req
78. Did you hear that, Napoleon?Copy !req
79. It's our lucky day!Copy !req
80. It's been banned by the FDA,
the DEA, and the WNBA.Copy !req
81. Is it safe?Copy !req
82. Quit bothering the pharmacist.Copy !req
83. He probably has
student loans to worry about.Copy !req
84. Between you and me,
I didn't even go to college.Copy !req
85. Right on!Copy !req
86. "Warning.
Physical side effects include:Copy !req
87. "bad breath, B.O., lust,Copy !req
88. "increased pain threshold,Copy !req
89. and fits of unbridled rage."
Yeah, right.Copy !req
90. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
91. Good gracious!Copy !req
92. What's wrong with your forehead?
It's on fire!Copy !req
93. I'm okay.
It's just the Rack-U-TaneCopy !req
94. trying to eat all the bacteria.Copy !req
95. It smells like a burnt lasagna.Copy !req
96. But I don't even feel anything.Copy !req
97. Hello, Napoleon.Copy !req
98. Hey, Pedro.Copy !req
99. What's happening to me?Copy !req
100. Hey Pedro, could you pourCopy !req
101. some of your Turbo Slush on my zits?Copy !req
102. I think the caffeine might
kill some of the germs.Copy !req
103. No problem.Copy !req
104. I think it's working.
Your zits are like...Copy !req
105. drinking the juice.
Thanks.Copy !req
106. Never mind.Copy !req
107. Does it hurt?
Not really.Copy !req
108. I'm just having, like, all
these strange desires right now.Copy !req
109. Really? What kind of desires?Copy !req
110. Well, like, I really
want to get marriedCopy !req
111. and go on a honeymoon right now...Copy !req
112. But I mainly just feel like
crushing people's lives.Copy !req
113. Sounds like lust and unbridled rage.Copy !req
114. Sweet! My rage has
never been unbridled.Copy !req
115. I've always hated that sink.Copy !req
116. Now Kip,Copy !req
117. if this girl turns out
to be a kidnapper,Copy !req
118. do you remember the address song?Copy !req
119. You still got it.Copy !req
120. Excuse me, did you just sing
your name was Kipland Dynamite?Copy !req
121. In the flesh. And I can tell
by your sack of dog treatsCopy !req
122. that you must be Misty.Copy !req
123. Yeah. Um, I have to go.Copy !req
124. Wait!Copy !req
125. Are your abs getting hot?
Mine sure are.Copy !req
126. Ooh. Kip is ripped.Copy !req
127. Hey, Deb, did I ever tell you
how big of a babe you are?Copy !req
128. I just want you to know that
if my girlfriend in OklahomaCopy !req
129. ever dies, I'd totally marry you.Copy !req
130. Uh... Are you okay, Napoleon?Copy !req
131. Yes, I'm fine.Copy !req
132. Can I kiss the top of
your hand for a dollar?Copy !req
133. His zit cream is making him loco.Copy !req
134. Today, we're going to play a gameCopy !req
135. that our pioneer ancestors developedCopy !req
136. when they crossed the plains.Copy !req
137. It's called "Smear the Deer."Copy !req
138. Yes!Copy !req
139. Napoleon, would you be a deer
and put these antlers on?Copy !req
140. Okay.Copy !req
141. The rest of you are
hungry pioneer children.Copy !req
142. When I blow my whistle,Copy !req
143. you'll do everything in your
power to incapacitate the deerCopy !req
144. using only your bare hands
and pioneer reflexes.Copy !req
145. Are there any questions?Copy !req
146. Can Pedro be my sentinel?Copy !req
147. No, he can't.Copy !req
148. You are just a rogue deer
with no allies.Copy !req
149. Ah, dang it.
Okay.Copy !req
150. Is everybody ready?Copy !req
151. Good gravy!Copy !req
152. Holy crap!Copy !req
153. Gotcha! Looks like I'm
gonna smear the deer!Copy !req
154. Not today, Don!Copy !req
155. Whoa, ah, ow, oh!Copy !req
156. What the heck?Copy !req
157. You don't hold a tuba like that.Copy !req
158. You aim it skyward.Copy !req
159. Ah...!Copy !req
160. Napoleon, in my office! Now!Copy !req
161. No.
Why don't you go to my office?Copy !req
162. You don't have an office.Copy !req
163. Fine!
We'll use yours!Copy !req
164. Napoleon, I cannot
believe what I witnessedCopy !req
165. from you out on the field today.Copy !req
166. - Sorry...
- I've never seen anything like it.Copy !req
167. Have you ever heard of the PPC?Copy !req
168. The Preston Pediatric Coalition?Copy !req
169. Of course!Copy !req
170. They paid for
my brother's polio shoes.Copy !req
171. No, no, no.Copy !req
172. I'm talking about the original
The Pioneer Punch Club.Copy !req
173. The Pioneer Punch Club?
What's that?Copy !req
174. It's a secret underground
fight circuitCopy !req
175. that dates back to pioneer times.Copy !req
176. You see, before the West was won...Copy !req
177. local farm boys were constantly
having to defend themselvesCopy !req
178. against grizz, river trash,
and pageant carnies.Copy !req
179. They began to test
their combat skills every Tuesday night.Copy !req
180. But twenty years ago,
the PPC was officially bannedCopy !req
181. by the Idaho State Legislature.Copy !req
182. So now the fights are held
on Wednesday nights instead.Copy !req
183. So you want me to go
back in time 20 yearsCopy !req
184. and kill the Idaho State Legislature?Copy !req
185. What? No!Copy !req
186. Napoleon, I'm convinced
that you could becomeCopy !req
187. the next PPC champion.
Really?Copy !req
188. I'm willing to bet my entire
salary as a gym coach.Copy !req
189. That's like $6,000!
I wish.Copy !req
190. I've seen them 137 timesCopy !req
191. and they've never played a bad show.Copy !req
192. Yeah!Copy !req
193. Thank you!Copy !req
194. We're gonna take a break.Copy !req
195. Oh. Animals are amazing.Copy !req
196. I'll burn you some of their CDsCopy !req
197. if you can loan me some blanks.Copy !req
198. You would do that for me?Copy !req
199. Wow, has anybody ever told
you how sweet you are?Copy !req
200. My virtual pets say it all the time.Copy !req
201. You know, the last timeCopy !req
202. a guy took me to a restaurant,
he robbed it.Copy !req
203. Misty, it sounds like
you've been rollingCopy !req
204. with the wrong dudes.Copy !req
205. Yeah, normally I'm attracted
to inmates and gym rats,Copy !req
206. but you're not like those men.Copy !req
207. You're not like any man at all.Copy !req
208. You know I'm not.Copy !req
209. I don't get it, Pedro.Copy !req
210. According to the map,
the Pioneer Punch ClubCopy !req
211. is supposed to be right here.Copy !req
212. Maybe it is just a legend.Copy !req
213. Ohh...Copy !req
214. What do you know?Copy !req
215. If it isn't Tinkerbell and
his girlfriend, Taco Bell!Copy !req
216. You have 32 seconds to tell meCopy !req
217. what you're doing on this property.Copy !req
218. Coach Pratt sent me.
Coach Pratt?Copy !req
219. I owe that man my life.Copy !req
220. Before he found me,Copy !req
221. I was just a skinny kid
obsessed with college.Copy !req
222. And I was just a lonely girl
wandering Chernobyl.Copy !req
223. So who do I fight first? You?Copy !req
224. In your dreams!Copy !req
225. We have a distinct
pecking order here at the PPC.Copy !req
226. This here's
the Rainbow Trout division.Copy !req
227. Duck. Duck. Duck.Copy !req
228. Goose!Copy !req
229. Don't cry, Timmy!Copy !req
230. Don't you dare cry!Copy !req
231. Over there we have our Cougar PupsCopy !req
232. trying to survive
the Corn Cob Cannon.Copy !req
233. Ah! My leg is broke!Copy !req
234. Walk it off, Greg.
Walk it off.Copy !req
235. Finally, we have our Badger Studs.Copy !req
236. They are the true warriors
of the PPC.Copy !req
237. Nipple twist!
Reverse!Copy !req
238. What's that over there?Copy !req
239. I'll answer that question
in seven years...Copy !req
240. when you're ready.Copy !req
241. Come on. Tell me.Copy !req
242. Oh, all right.
That's the Thundercone.Copy !req
243. I've heard people die there,
like, 20 times a day.Copy !req
244. Sweet!Copy !req
245. Ow!Copy !req
246. Not so fast!
Anyone who wants to competeCopy !req
247. in the Thundercone has
to beat my Badger Studs.Copy !req
248. Let's do this.Copy !req
249. Please, I have a daughter.Copy !req
250. Then go to her and tell her
who spared your life this day.Copy !req
251. Well done, Dynamite!Copy !req
252. We'll see you next week...Copy !req
253. in the Cone!
The what?Copy !req
254. The cone!
The big thing on the hill.Copy !req
255. We've been through this.Copy !req
256. Oh, right.
It's all I ever wanted.Copy !req
257. Now you can rock out
to the Goof Nutz BandCopy !req
258. any time you want.Copy !req
259. Oh, Kip, I don't know what to say.Copy !req
260. My heart is racing so fast right now.Copy !req
261. Oh, that does feel fast.Copy !req
262. Can you wait right here for a second?Copy !req
263. One, two...Copy !req
264. three.Copy !req
265. One, two...Copy !req
266. Ah...Copy !req
267. Grandma, I need two things from you.Copy !req
268. First, please put on a robe.Copy !req
269. Second, I'd like you to meet the girlCopy !req
270. that you and I are goingCopy !req
271. to spend the rest of our lives with.Copy !req
272. Okay, this one better not be
made of pipe cleaners, Kip.Copy !req
273. Grandma, here's the cowgirlCopy !req
274. who finally tamed this wild stallion.Copy !req
275. Misty? Misty?Copy !req
276. Are you playing a lover's prank?Copy !req
277. One, two, three...Copy !req
278. Oh...Copy !req
279. Sorry, Kipper.Copy !req
280. I'll go warm up some milkCopy !req
281. and fluff up your crying pillow.Copy !req
282. Not this time, Grandma.Copy !req
283. Not this time.Copy !req
284. Except for the milk.Copy !req
285. I love the smell of B.O.Copy !req
286. I hope that doesn't sound weird.Copy !req
287. One, two, three.Copy !req
288. Misty, is he bothering you?Copy !req
289. Relax, Kip.
All I'm doing is watchingCopy !req
290. your bad boy brother trainCopy !req
291. for his dangerous,
underground fight club.Copy !req
292. He's not in a fight club.Copy !req
293. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
294. How do you explain
this sweet temporary tat?Copy !req
295. I love tats!Copy !req
296. Pioneer Punch Club?Copy !req
297. But that's for real toughies.
How did you get in?Copy !req
298. By being my normal, bad "A" self.Copy !req
299. You are a bad "A."Copy !req
300. Napoleon, get your hands off my lady.Copy !req
301. I don't want your sick woman,Copy !req
302. but I could take her if I wanted.Copy !req
303. He's right, Kip, he could.Copy !req
304. But I thought
we were getting engaged.Copy !req
305. I did, too, I'm not
over bad boys yet.Copy !req
306. But he's not a bad boy.Copy !req
307. He's friendly to all who know him.Copy !req
308. That does it, Kip!Copy !req
309. You've been taking things
from me my whole life.Copy !req
310. You took my chicken, now
I'm taking your chick.Copy !req
311. So say good-bye to the only
woman that you've ever loved.Copy !req
312. Grandma's not going anywhere.Copy !req
313. She's inside, airing out
in her bra and jeans.Copy !req
314. Not her.Copy !req
315. Her!Copy !req
316. Whoo!Copy !req
317. Here, could you replace thisCopy !req
318. with some songs that Napoleon likes?Copy !req
319. What? Misty!Copy !req
320. No!Copy !req
321. Out of my way, fence!Copy !req
322. Oh, kick something else!Copy !req
323. "Unbridled rage"?Copy !req
324. Well, that's illuminating.Copy !req
325. Hey, Kip, you should see the girlCopy !req
326. Napoleon's running around with.Copy !req
327. You'd love her!Copy !req
328. Pedro, I can't find my
Rack-U-Tane anywhere.Copy !req
329. There's no way I can
fight without it.Copy !req
330. Oh, well, at least
your skin is clear.Copy !req
331. What are you still
doing here, Napoleon?Copy !req
332. I thought you had a big fightCopy !req
333. to impress the woman
you stole from me.Copy !req
334. She has a name, Kip.Copy !req
335. I just don't know what it is.Copy !req
336. Oh, that must be the ride
I arranged for you.Copy !req
337. Dynamite, where are you?Copy !req
338. Oh, man, it's Rex!Copy !req
339. Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea!Copy !req
340. He's right here, Rex,
hiding under his bed.Copy !req
341. Kip, shut up!Copy !req
342. Nobody turns their back
on the Thundercone!Copy !req
343. You're gonna fight
whether you want to or not!Copy !req
344. Be careful, he has diarrhea.Copy !req
345. So, who's fighting tonight, Carlinda?Copy !req
346. Don't know, don't care,Copy !req
347. as long as men are hurting
and blood's a-spurting!Copy !req
348. Frijoles Santos!Copy !req
349. Diganme la futura
de mi amigoNapoleon!Copy !req
350. What do the beans say?Copy !req
351. It's not really specific.Copy !req
352. Deb, what are you doing here?Copy !req
353. I take pictures for
the Thundercone newsletterCopy !req
354. and the Thundercone blog.Copy !req
355. Geez, the Thundercone is like
the worst-kept secret ever!Copy !req
356. Napoleon, wait!
I have something for you.Copy !req
357. It's a short story I wrote,Copy !req
358. but you don't have
to read it right now.Copy !req
359. I can tell you this much,Copy !req
360. you shouldn't have
a colon in the title.Copy !req
361. And now for the main event
of the evening,Copy !req
362. we bring you a bloodbath
like no other!Copy !req
363. Hey, that's Napoleon!Copy !req
364. What's that idiot doing in there?Copy !req
365. Entering the Thundercone
for the first time tonight isCopy !req
366. the Pioneer Punch
Club's new rising star...Copy !req
367. that annoying kid in townCopy !req
368. you just want to see bad stuff
happen to...Copy !req
369. you know him, you hate him:
Napoleon Dynamite!Copy !req
370. Hey, that's not the intro I gave you!Copy !req
371. And now his opponent and executioner,Copy !req
372. another fresh face:
The Man With No Face!Copy !req
373. Spare me, Man With No Face.Copy !req
374. Now who's the toughie?Copy !req
375. Kip, you liar, you have a face!Copy !req
376. And I'm gonna to freaking pound it!Copy !req
377. Kipper?Copy !req
378. Aw, I've seen these guys fight...Copy !req
379. every time a dang shampoo sample
comes in the mail.Copy !req
380. Kip, this is gonna be
the easiest fight of my life.Copy !req
381. Is it, Napoleon?Copy !req
382. You stole my Rack-U-Tane!Copy !req
383. You stole my Misty!Copy !req
384. I love when guys fight over me.Copy !req
385. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
386. Screw you, Kip!Copy !req
387. All right.Copy !req
388. But first, let me unscrew
the cap on this tube.Copy !req
389. I am so gonna apply my skills
to beat you!Copy !req
390. Perhaps.
Right after I applyCopy !req
391. the last of this
rage cream to my face.Copy !req
392. Quit cleverly twisting my words!Copy !req
393. Stop talking, start punching!Copy !req
394. Prepare to be humiliated
in front of Misty.Copy !req
395. Come on. Let me murder you.Copy !req
396. When the heck did you learn
to walk to walk on stilts?Copy !req
397. The question you should be asking is:Copy !req
398. "Will Kip show me mercy?"Copy !req
399. The answer is "no."Copy !req
400. Punch! Punch! Punch!Copy !req
401. I love you now, Kip!Copy !req
402. Why am I so crazy?Copy !req
403. And now for a cute little death blowCopy !req
404. I call "The Blood Brother."Copy !req
405. That's a stupid name.
Now finish me.Copy !req
406. Ow, my hand!Copy !req
407. What happened?Copy !req
408. Ha! The Rack-U-Tane wore off,Copy !req
409. so now Misty will see
who the real man is.Copy !req
410. Let's do this.Copy !req
411. Quit breathing on me!Copy !req
412. That tickles!Copy !req
413. Illegal!Copy !req
414. I'm telling Grandma!Copy !req
415. Yeah, this looks familiar.Copy !req
416. Here comes the hair pulling.Copy !req
417. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
418. Quit it!
Let go of me!Copy !req
419. You first!
Geez!Copy !req
420. These pussywillows are ruining
my show!Copy !req
421. Raise the cage!Copy !req
422. Ladies and gentlemen, I give youCopy !req
423. the beast of the Thundercone
and the love of my life...Copy !req
424. Starla!Copy !req
425. Isn't it ironic, Napoleon?Copy !req
426. We've been fighting over a woman,Copy !req
427. and now we're gonna die under one.Copy !req
428. Don't worry, Kip.Copy !req
429. You'll never wind up under a woman.Copy !req
430. You know what to do.Copy !req
431. You better believe it, baby.Copy !req
432. Huh?Copy !req
433. Me first!Copy !req
434. Thanks, Kip.
I couldn't haveCopy !req
435. chickened-out with a better guy.Copy !req
436. Can we make up later?Copy !req
437. I can't run and talk
at the same time.Copy !req
438. Kill 'em, honey bunch!Copy !req
439. I love you, Starla!Copy !req
440. I used to come hereCopy !req
441. after all
my high school football games.Copy !req
442. Except back then
it was a Laundromat.Copy !req
443. Are all their songs about pizza?Copy !req
444. Pizza-ritaville's not about pizza,Copy !req
445. it's about a town.Copy !req
446. I think they're from there.Copy !req
447. They're not from anywhere, idiot.Copy !req
448. They're fake.Copy !req
449. Thank you!
Good night!Copy !req
450. See?Copy !req
451. Always good to see you, Kip.Copy !req
452. Told ya!Copy !req