Mythic Quest 2x5

1. Okay, people. I know you're all anxious to go home,

2. but we have some housekeeping to take care of first.

3. As part of the new employee evaluation process,

4. you all took a test to determine your workplace profile.

5. Upon completion, you received a packet outlining your strengths, areas of growth,

6. and ways to optimize your role in the company.

7. You were instructed to sign that packet and return it to me.

8. Simple. So simple, in fact,

9. every MQ employee managed to follow these instructions

10. except for the people in this room.

11. Now, I'm sure you all have your reasons

12. for not following this inarguably easy procedure,

13. but we're not leaving until the packets are signed.

14. So let's just be reasonable adults and sign our packets so we can all go home.

15. Sound good?

16. - No. - No, no.

17. Because this test

18. is absolutely the problem.

19. Let's try this again.

20. Now, according to company policy,

21. I'm required to listen to your individual concerns.

22. But before we start all that,

23. I'm offering three vacation days to anyone who signs right now.

24. Sold.

25. You ain't got to tell me twice.

26. Cancún, here I come.

27. You see that? It's just that easy, people.

28. - You sign your paper and— - I have an issue.

29. Big surprise.

30. - I don't like the animal you made me. - I didn't make you anything.

31. The test assigned you an animal profile based on your answers.

32. It's just a simplistic way of distilling information.

33. And because these things can be kinda clinical, it's just fun.

34. It is fun! Sorry, sorry.

35. Was that too loud? I'm used to just shouting over the radiator sound

36. all by myself. So…

37. Okay. Labeling human beings as animals is not fun.

38. It's reductive and completely inaccurate.

39. Oh, yeah? What animal did you get?

40. - A baboon. Which is just… - Yeah, you did.

41. - That checks out. - That tracks.

42. - I agree with Rachel. - Thank you.

43. The test is inaccurate.

44. There's nothing wrong with the test. It's just—

45. It's simply putting a label on something that we already know is true.

46. For example, the fact that the tester is a baboon.

47. We all know that to be true. Correct?

48. Or that I am a lion, which makes sense because, of course, king of the jungle.

49. Okay. If you're happy with your animal, why are you here, Ian?

50. As senior management,

51. I think I should be made aware of what animal everyone got.

52. - You really think that's necessary? - No, and I don't really care.

53. But I wanna know what Poppy got. So tell me what she got.

54. I can't tell you that.

55. For the sake and safety of the pride, I should be made aware of what she got!

56. No. I mean, I can't tell you because Poppy didn't take the test.

57. Oh, man.

58. What?

59. She's been so busy with work that Montreal gave her a dispensation.

60. Uh-oh. Sounds like Poppy's the king of the jungle.

61. Oh, no. No, no.

62. I'm never signing this thing. Never signing it.

63. Thanks for that, Brad. Now, what can I do to get you to sign and leave?

64. Nothing. I don't have a problem with the test.

65. It's all bullshit. I'm just here for the data.

66. - And you? - I would've signed. Brad took my packet.

67. She'll sign when I sign. There's a lot here for her to learn.

68. I'm not sure what I could learn from a mouse.

69. Bradley! You got mouse? Me too. Mouse friends!

70. - Cute. You and Sue are the same. - We're the same.

71. No. I didn't get mouse. I answered the stupid test randomly.

72. You got mouse without even trying, huh?

73. That makes sense.

74. What animal did you get, Jo?

75. Shark.

76. And so it begins.

77. What is happening?

78. I predicted this day would come.

79. Jo believes she's ready to assert her dominance

80. and is attempting to devour me.

81. Please. What kind of a meal would a mouse make for a shark?

82. One bit of advice: You come at me, strike to kill.

83. Rest assured, if you get near my teeth, I will rip out your throat.

84. What? No one is killing anyone.

85. Metaphorically, Carol.

86. Mark my words. When this dance is done, one of us will be in the other's mouth.

87. All right. What'd I miss?

88. Brad and Jo are dancing and trying to eat one another.

89. Fuckin'-A.

90. If I may!

91. Shit. C.W., I forgot you were there.

92. I do believe I'm missing a great deal of the action.

93. Yeah, you know what, man?

94. I actually had the art department whip up something

95. so that your presence here would be a little bit less weird.

96. - Goddamn. - That is so much more weird.

97. That's exactly what a baboon would say, isn't it?

98. Just give it a second.

99. Careful now.

100. And how about that?

101. - How do I look? - Actually, not that bad.

102. - It's uncanny. - It actually came together quite nicely.

103. Now, if I may, I'd like to propose an exchange.

104. I'm told there's a certain task

105. which must be performed before my next paycheck will be relinquished.

106. Now, if a certain someone

107. would spill their ink on the dotted line of compliance,

108. I may be motivated to do so in kind.

109. If you are talking about the sensitivity training that you've been dodging,

110. I can't sign off on it until you complete the training.

111. That means watching the video until the end.

112. Indoctrination videos? Tests to put people into categories? It's Orwellian.

113. - You are a goddamn robot! - I agree with C.W.

114. Really?

115. Not about the video.

116. He should watch the video.

117. I just think that you can't shove people into neat little boxes

118. to fit some pre-prescribed narrative.

119. I mean, take me, for example.

120. I am a multidimensional woman who also happens to be a gay person of color.

121. - What color? - I'm half-Asian.

122. My mom was born in Thailand.

123. Thailand. So many fond memories.

124. Bangkok? You better believe it, man.

125. Phuket? Don't mind if I do.

126. I once found myself knee-deep in a mud pit with—

127. - You know what? - No, no! No.

128. I am gonna pull up the sensitivity training video.

129. Carol, wait. You're gonna love this.

130. And you may not come back until it's finished.

131. As you wish, fascist.

132. Resist, my Asian brother. Sister.

133. I'm sorry. I'm still not sure what to call you.

134. Will somebody roll his ass outta here?

135. Me! I'll do it.

136. - You can give me the tour, kind sir. - Yeah. Fine.

137. Kinda reminds me of wheeling my dad around.

138. Hey, do you know any hymns?

139. Can we circle back to this one not being white? Because I find that offensive.

140. I find it offensive that you find it offensive.

141. It's an important part of my identity.

142. Say something in Thai.

143. - I can't speak it, but I understand it. - Oh, cool.

144. What?

145. I said, "Black, white, brown, green.

146. You're the most annoying person in the world."

147. I had a Thai girlfriend in the '90s.

148. Maybe it was Rachel's mom.

149. - Jo. - Jo. There's no reason to be mean.

150. I am way too young to have dated Rachel's most likely equally annoying Thai mother.

151. My mother is not annoying.

152. - Then you must get it from your dad. - Oh, my God.

153. I cannot be the only person that finds this test oppressive.

154. Oppressive?

155. You think 'cause you're half-white you can go calling stuff oppressive.

156. I'm sorry.

157. Is that something you learned at your private college,

158. paid for with your trust fund?

159. - She did it, Carol. She— - Not now, bracelets.

160. You wanna know what's oppressive?

161. The old way we used to do these employee evaluations.

162. Where old Carol had to go around listening to everybody's daddy issues,

163. and you would show me your skin rashes like I'm WebMD.

164. I'm not going back to the old way. Okay?

165. Do you hear me? I am not going back! You know what? I need five.

166. She got us in— You got us in trouble.

167. Hey, hey. Get out of there.

168. - But we're so hungry! - Yeah!

169. Look, Carol, I have to have protein, and there's nothing to eat in here.

170. The lion must feed.

171. You know, you could all just sign your packets and go get a proper meal.

172. Hell, I'll treat you.

173. No. I don't wanna sign. I don't like being an otter.

174. Really? But otters are so cute.

175. Maybe I don't wanna be cute.

176. Again, it's not defining you.

177. It's just a simplistic way of delineating your personality.

178. How accurate can it be? It gave David wolf.

179. That's right, baby.

180. - I'm a wolf. - Yeah, we know.

181. He won't shut up about it. This has been the greatest week of his life.

182. Then why didn't you sign your packet?

183. It's not in a wolf's nature to roll over and expose his soft underbelly.

184. Especially not to authority.

185. No, Carol. I walk my own path.

186. Room seems smaller.

187. Oh, God.

188. Also, I left my packet in Yorba Linda.

189. - I don't know what that means. - I said, Yorba Linda.

190. All right. I'll be the one that takes the bait.

191. David, why were you in Yorba Linda?

192. Bradley, you want to pop the news?

193. David's got a girlfriend.

194. That's sweet.

195. - Yeah, that's nice. - Ain't no thing.

196. She's a widow.

197. - Yeah, that makes sense. - But she's a young widow.

198. - That's so much sadder, bud. - How'd her husband die?

199. I don't know. I haven't asked that yet. It's still fresh.

200. The relationship or the body?

201. The relationship, Jo. Well, both, actually.

202. Look, it's going pretty good.

203. I spent the night last night, and let's just say

204. I did not get much sleep.

205. - She was crying? - Yeah.

206. Yeah, she's a little raw with everything.

207. Her husband died, so…

208. Also, I had to leave at, like, 4:00 a.m. It's a super far—

209. The traffic on the 60— Have you guys been on the 60?

210. David, you know what?

211. I'm gonna print out another copy of your packet for you to sign.

212. Hey, Carol. Will you print one out for me too?

213. You bet.

214. Brad can use my old one as bedding in his little mousy housey.

215. Running away, huh? Doesn't sound like a very shark move.

216. You afraid to fight me?

217. I'm not scared of you, Brad.

218. I know about the pig.

219. What? Pig? There's no pig on the wheel.

220. Kate, the 4-H pig.

221. When it came time to slaughter her, Brad got soft.

222. - A flickering moment of weakness. - I'm not so sure about that.

223. Even during your time at MQ, you've shown your true nature.

224. You got David a date, and now he's so deluded, he thinks he's a wolf.

225. Hey. The test only told us what we were already thinking.

226. I did get David a date, and he is deluded.

227. Was that weak? Or was it strategic?

228. Think of how malleable he'll be when it all falls apart. Which it will.

229. No way. She already took down three photo collages of her late husband.

230. This wolf is in the den to stay.

231. You got Dana her job back after she shit the bed as a streamer.

232. Yeah, as a favor to the baboon, and now I own her.

233. - Are they talking about you? - Different baboon.

234. But you never used her.

235. You helped out of the goodness of your heart.

236. You really are a mouse.

237. Did you really save my job, Brad?

238. No, you stupid otter.

239. Okay. You know what? We all just gonna forget about the animals. Okay?

240. Throw out the animals. No one is an animal.

241. No, Carol. I can't forget about the animals.

242. See, here it says otters are "emotional, agreeable, social and empathetic."

243. But I'm a serious person, and I want people to take me seriously.

244. Okay, as someone that knows Dana best—

245. What's her middle name?

246. What?

247. The other tester. Your girlfriend. The one you know so much about.

248. What is her middle name?

249. Her middle name is

250. - Keesha. - No.

251. - Okay. - Wow.

252. Dude, whatever. Okay?

253. I know Dana, and she is way too multifaceted and complex a person

254. - to be defined— - I wanna be a wolf.

255. They all do, baby.

256. You wanna be like David?

257. No. I just think that it describes me better. See, look.

258. - It says here "wolves are independent." - Yep.

259. - "Hyper-focused." - Like a laser.

260. - "Detailed-oriented." - Nothing too small, baby.

261. "And have a healthy disrespect for authority."

262. And there it is. I'm a wolf from snout to rump.

263. Don't get these hackles up, or you'll get the fangs.

264. Know what I mean?

265. - No. - What the fuck are you talking about?

266. My point is I can't be an otter and a programmer.

267. - I thought you were a tester. - For now.

268. But I'm thinking about applying to the computer sciences program at Berkeley.

269. Wait. You are? Why didn't you tell me? Berkeley is, like, six hours away.

270. Now that is a long way to travel for a relationship.

271. Can we talk about this later?

272. I didn't mean for it to come out like this.

273. Yeah. We can talk about it later. No problem.

274. I'll sign, Carol.

275. Whatever. One down, too many to go.

276. Let's keep this train moving.

277. All right, Carol. I'm here. This better be good.

278. What? No. We're not adding people.

279. Wait. What is this? Is this an intervention?

280. Yes, it is, because everyone is upset that you have not taken the test.

281. They are?

282. - Not really, no. - No.

283. - Nah. - They are.

284. They're suppressing their feelings. Trust me. I know my pride.

285. I think the reason you didn't want to do it is because

286. you were afraid that it would be revealed

287. that you were some sort of megalomaniac narcissist.

288. What? That sounds like you. I'm a great boss.

289. Tell him, Dana.

290. Yeah.

291. She is.

292. Wow. Some hype man. Why are you here?

293. I don't wanna sign my packet.

294. Who cares what you want? You work for me.

295. Do what I want. Sign your packet and get out.

296. Okay.

297. I'll sign.

298. It's not on the packet, but I will accept that.

299. Sister girl done flipped the script.

300. - David. - David.

301. - David. - David.

302. Sorry.

303. Poppy, what a great mentor you are.

304. You should do a TED Talk on yelling at subordinates.

305. - Fuck you. - Carol,

306. I'd like to lodge a sexual harassment complaint against Poppy.

307. She just said she wants to "F" me in front of everybody.

308. I do not want to "F" you.

309. Oh, yeah?

310. Then why you dreaming about it?

311. Hey, Pop.

312. You know about that?

313. A lion knows everything about his pride.

314. Okay. Well, we established

315. that those dreams are about power and dominance.

316. For the record, Carol, Poppy is dreaming about my power and dominance.

317. - So is David. - Yeah.

318. - Can't say I never have. - It's an epidemic.

319. I'm leaving.

320. I'm not signing until she takes the test.

321. Poppy, wait.

322. I cannot believe I'm adding more people to this shit show,

323. but do you think you could just take the test?

324. Then this can all be over.

325. You know what, Carol?

326. To prove that I am not the ego monster that Ian is,

327. I will graciously take the test to help out one of my employees.

328. - But I don't work for you. - Do you want me to take the test or not?

329. - Here you go. - How does it work?

330. You just answer each statement with a rating from one to five.

331. One means strongly agree. Five means strongly disagree.

332. Hate to buck authority here,

333. but I think you got those numbers switched.

334. I assure you that I do not.

335. I think you do, babe.

336. That's actually the opposite that I did mine.

337. David, is it possible you took the test backwards?

338. Which means if you answered correctly,

339. your answer should've led you to the exact opposite animal.

340. Signing! Signing now.

341. Here we go. Just click, click.

342. 'Cause I'm a wolf.

343. And the wolf is out, baby.

344. Elevator's not here so just gotta wait. Got to wait.

345. You know, I'm just gonna take the stairs. Wolf's out baby.

346. Well…

347. Might as well just take the elevator because a lot of stairs.

348. Wolf out, baby.

349. Shit. Is this going up?

350. There goes a butterfly in wolf's clothing.

351. Ian, if you're done with Poppy and you need a new protégé, I'm available.

352. It'd be good to be back with an actual apex predator.

353. Leaping from powerful man to powerful man to prove you're a shark

354. just proves you're not a shark.

355. You're a remora.

356. You're just a bottom-feeder along for the ride.

357. You'll never be a shark.

358. Then why did you bring me on? Out of pity?

359. No, of course not.

360. - That would be a nice thing to do. - Then it was fear.

361. You saw something in me that scared you, and so you needed to pull it close.

362. Dear Lord, please don't start spinning again.

363. And you're right. I did attach myself to you.

364. But I'm not a remora.

365. I'm a lamprey, and I've sucked you dry, and there is nothing left to nourish me.

366. So I'm done with you.

367. Packet.

368. One thing about parasites, they can't survive without a host.

369. Careful who you attach yourself to next.

370. Save it, mouse. You're not even in my food chain.

371. Well, that was bizarre, yet oddly thrilling.

372. They could've just handed 'em to me.

373. I'm right here.

374. Okay. Done!

375. Great. Carol, score her right now so we can be done with this.

376. Yep.

377. You know, the results aren't as important as the process.

378. - So I think you should— - What did she get? What did she get?

379. Lion? She got lion too?

380. Sounds right to me.

381. No, that doesn't make any sense.

382. There can't be two alpha lions in the same pride.

383. But you made me co-creative director.

384. You made me a lion.

385. The point is now you know.

386. So you gotta sign your packet.

387. I'm not signing shit. I don't know what she is, but she's not a lion.

388. Well, I'm not signing anything until he admits that I am a lion!

389. She probably lied on the test. That's what happened. She lied.

390. He probably lied too. Give me his test!

391. Give it! Give it!

392. I may die here.

393. Okay. What about this one?

394. "I value authenticity over vanity." You wrote "strongly agree."

395. - Yes. - Ian,

396. that shirt is so tight that I can authentically see your nipples through it.

397. Why are you looking at my nipples?

398. It's hard not to! You're kind of asking for it.

399. That's victim-blaming. You can't blame me.

400. You are a victim of nothing!

401. Okay, all right. What about this one?

402. "I am held back by my fears."

403. You wrote "somewhat disagree."

404. You wrote "strongly disagree." That's a lie.

405. You have heaps of fears that hold you back.

406. - Like what? - You're afraid of being vulnerable.

407. Vulnerable? I am not afraid to be vulnerable.

408. You're the one that's afraid to be vulnerable.

409. Back me up on this, Carol. You're the negotiator.

410. No, I'm not. If anything, I'm a hostage.

411. But if it'll help move this process along,

412. maybe you should both just admit your greatest fears

413. to prove that you are not afraid to be vulnerable.

414. Okay, fine.

415. I fear working too hard to make this game great

416. and dying of a heart attack in my prime.

417. - Oh, please. - Ian, come on!

418. Stop with the self-aggrandizing bullshit.

419. Could you just dig deep and tell this woman your fear

420. so we can get outta here?

421. Okay.

422. Maybe

423. I'm afraid

424. that MQ is my only good idea.

425. And maybe I'm afraid that Poppy is the younger…

426. smarter lion.

427. I wasn't expecting to hear all that.

428. Okay. It's your turn, Poppy.

429. Singing.

430. - What? - I'm afraid of singing in public.

431. What the fuck is that? I just told you something honest.

432. You're honest with me for the first time ever,

433. and you want a reward?

434. No. I'm not asking for a reward.

435. I'm just asking you to be honest back.

436. Well, it is what it is.

437. Damn. Ian went there, and you just hung him out to dry.

438. I guess that makes him the real lion here.

439. Oh, my God! Who cares?

440. I don't even have to do this stupid test!

441. But fine. Fine. You're the only lion, Ian.

442. You're in charge. Is that what you need to hear?

443. You're the boss! Are you happy? Are you happy now?

444. Not really.

445. You know who is happy? Me!

446. Because I get to go home! Yes!

447. My God, I need to self-soothe.

448. I'm gonna pour myself the biggest drink, honey.

449. Oh, my God. Why are you still here?

450. I got stuck in the basement 'cause I didn't have my key card,

451. and I was trying to get back up, but—

452. - I was howling for help. - No. Nope. I'm taking the stairs.

453. Hold on. Let me get— Wait, Carol. Hold on.

454. This thing's not working. Carol!

455. I'd be lyin'

456. if I said it wasn't a little awkward in here.

457. Look, I'm sorry.

458. I just— I got a little mad when you said that I wasn't a lion.

459. The truth is that

460. I've been having some trouble with my expansion, and…

461. I miss having you around.

462. You know, you believe in me in a way

463. that no one ever has, and…

464. I could use some of that right now.

465. I don't believe in you.

466. And you will fail without me.

467. And the best part of it is

468. you know it too.