Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x9

1. All right. Let's go.

2. Pan left.

3. Hi, girl.

4. What a cool guy.

5. A wisecracker.

6. Come on, crow. Let's go.

7. Yeah, yeah, just a sec, Tom.

8. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the satellite of love.

9. I'm crow t. Robot, and this here's Tom servo.

10. Howdy.

11. We're retro-fitting each other

12. with bellybuttons.

13. Yup. Turns out our compeer Joel Robinson

14. completely overlooked bellybuttons.

15. So we're just doing it ourselves.

16. Yup.

17. And there's a good chance

18. we're doing something incredibly stupid.

19. Again.

20. Yeah.

21. But once it's done, Joel can't do anything about it.

22. Uh, this isn't gonna hurt, is it, crow?

23. Nah, mariette hartley had two navels in Genesis ii.

24. Okay. Oh, oh be sure to put some lint in it too.

25. Sure.

26. All right, let's do it.

27. Ah, ha, ha!

28. Good gravy, what are you guys doing?

29. Well, hi, Joel.

30. We're giving each other bellybuttons.

31. You can't do that.

32. Oh. Okay.

33. We weren't that sure.

34. Why, Joel, why?

35. Why can't you give me the gift

36. of one simple bellybutton?

37. Look at me, Joel. I who have none.

38. Yeah, Joel. We don't wanna feel weird

39. around the other guys in the locker room.

40. Please!

41. Please, please, please...

42. Um...

43. Okay.

44. Hey, if this works out, can I have an Adam's apple?

45. Aah! Oh, yeah. Oh—oh, yeah.

46. This was definitely a mistake.

47. Huh. Drilling holes in our midsection.

48. Look at that poor shmo. Whoo!

49. Man, there but for the grace of god go I.

50. Quiet! I'm contemplating my bondo navel.

51. Oh, uh, quisp and quake are calling.

52. That fannie flagg is a hoot.

53. Durwood, it's them.

54. Let's talk baseball.

55. Better yet, let's talk baseball sponsors.

56. Better yet, let's just talk.

57. Baseball.

58. Great American pastime.

59. But how can we as evil scientists

60. hope to dilute or even destroy

61. this great summertime event? Frank?

62. Oh, boy. This is gonna be dark.

63. Thanks.

64. Our invention exchange

65. is based roughly on the popular baseball promotion night.

66. You know, hat night, sock night...

67. Tunnel of chili night.

68. Right. Uh, but we've made it evil and hurtful.

69. You know, like we like to do.

70. So we've rewritten the baseball season

71. with some unsavory and, in some cases,

72. downright dangerous cross-promotional giveaways.

73. For the season opener,

74. we have colorless, odorless, toxic gas night.

75. - Yeah.

76. This knothole day special,

77. the first 10,000 lucky kids get slide whistles.

78. Oh, boy.

79. And the second lucky 10,000 kids

80. get real brass knuckles.

81. Then the first 10,000 lucky kids become unlucky.

82. Oh!

83. Oh! This symbol here

84. represents the loveable, huggable, San Diego chicken,

85. which must mean it just happens to be crossbow night.

86. Frank, right on. Give me five.

87. Oh!

88. You are righteous.

89. Then there's the promotional tie-in.

90. The beauty of this concept is

91. is that it hurts the company supplying the product

92. as well as the fans themselves.

93. Dow corning presents fiberglass insulation night.

94. Parke-Davis presents used syringe night.

95. Tires plus presents the peppermint schnapps

96. tire iron double hitter.

97. Well, that's about as evil as it gets,

98. don't you think, Joel? Hmm?

99. Oh, sure, sirs. That's real evil.

100. Of course it is.

101. Well, our invention exchange this week

102. is based on some foot fashion

103. and some clever wordplay.

104. - Tom? - Thanks, Joel.

105. Say, ever notice how the trendy shoes doc Martins

106. and the name of the popular mad cartoonist

107. Don Martin almost sound the same?

108. Well, we did.

109. Right, and our "take a walk on the wild side"

110. department has converted the command table

111. to a high-fashion walkway to present...

112. Doc Martins for Don Martin, Joel.

113. Yes, yes, Don Martin,

114. the maddest of the mad cartoonists

115. has a real flair for drawing funny footwear.

116. And doc Martins,

117. British shoe importer, also has a real flair

118. for making and selling funny footwear.

119. Ah, what do you think, Chester bester tester?

120. How about poopy night?

121. Poopy.

122. Your movie this week, Joel,

123. is a little piece of dreck

124. called the girlin lover's Lane.

125. Poopy night. Frank.

126. Come on, that's funny.

127. I'm not saying it isn't funny.

128. What, are you gonna give kids poop?

129. Well, I...

130. Movie sign!

131. Aah!

132. Nice shoes.

133. Burlington northern presents

134. a film by Casey Jones.

135. How's that, Mr. Jarmusch?

136. Wait, we just wanna pants you.

137. We've never pantsed a hobo before.

138. He doesn't understand the concept

139. of hopping a freight.

140. Ollie Ollie friggin' oxen free.

141. Sir, we just wanna punch your ticket.

142. Calvin klein jeans.

143. Damn jehovah's witnesses.

144. Richie brockelman— the lost episodes.

145. Hey, my trusty library card.

146. I heard a wallet over there.

147. Scotty, beam me out of here.

148. Hey, he rolled himself.

149. Like wallets, like son.

150. Stamp all butts dead out.

151. Oh, yeah? Well, at least he's a donor.

152. Hey, I think we're losing our significance here.

153. We better do some crimes, man,

154. or we'll be written right out of the script.

155. He does look like an easy target for thugs.

156. Hell, I'd like to beat him up.

157. Speak, Von Ryan. Speak!

158. Oh, you know, this happened

159. on Thomas the tank engine one time.

160. Okay, you join our discussion salon or you're dead.

161. I'll hold him. You search his pockets.

162. You do the voice. I'll move the jaw.

163. He's clean.

164. You're crazy. I saw the roll he was packing.

165. I haven't got any money.

166. You're lying.

167. Damn student loan association.

168. I tell you, he was loaded.

169. He must have ditched it somewhere.

170. Now you've done it.

171. I knew this guy was carrying a fat roll.

172. And some bagels too.

173. Yeah, yeah, sure.

174. You should get yourself a pair of glasses.

175. All that work for nothing.

176. Don't cheapen the moment.

177. Kidnapped— the frank Sinatra junior story.

178. It's Jesus.

179. Or maybe not.

180. In Oxfords?

181. Well...

182. Ugh. Oh, good heft.

183. Hmm.

184. Hey, guys. Look what I just found.

185. I'm gonna put him in my room and pose him.

186. And thus the passenger train is born.

187. Aah!

188. Whoo! Oh. Almost got me there.

189. The girl in lovers Lane!

190. Hey, wake up, snowball.

191. The credits are over.

192. Hey, I'm in here. Do ya mind?

193. You got a weak jaw, boy.

194. They hardly touched you.

195. No, I'm kind of a fem.

196. My friends call me wormy.

197. Oh, wait a minute. Where's my certs?

198. I meet a new hobo and I have bad breath.

199. Christina's world.

200. You got something that belongs to me.

201. Well, then I guess it means we got something to talk about.

202. Well, that'll make the time go fast.

203. I want that wallet.

204. Is that okay?

205. You wanna take it from me?

206. Nah, you'll probably just clobber me

207. and I'll wake up six hours later then.

208. I watched you out there, kid.

209. You were scared. Real scared.

210. You're scared right now.

211. Really quite scared.

212. Tell you what.

213. Don't hit me!

214. I'll give you car fare home.

215. I'm not going home.

216. Well, where you headed?

217. That's my business.

218. You don't seem to understand, kid.

219. You're out of business.

220. You're under bankruptcy protection from the court.

221. You had a hundred bucks here.

222. How come you're hopping freights?

223. Kinda hard to hop a plane.

224. Well, you aren't used to traveling this way.

225. This is something new to you.

226. You don't even know how to handle yourself yet.

227. I got separated from my band trip, okay?

228. Meaning what?

229. Meaning you don't know how to hang on to what's yours.

230. If I give this back to you,

231. somebody else will just take it away again.

232. Good idea. You better hang on to my clothes then too.

233. What's your name, kid?

234. Sex poodle. Oh.

235. Danny.

236. Danny winslow.

237. Bix stoogan.

238. Big stupid?

239. Mr. Stupid, can I have my wallet back now?

240. War torn Wisconsin.

241. Wow, you got me a wallet. And I just lost mine.

242. If you said you'd stole it, I'd have kept it.

243. How's that make you feel?

244. Well, you better get some sleep, Danny boy.

245. I can't sleep now. I'm too excited.

246. I think maybe you got a long way to go.

247. And I'm gonna take you there.

248. Hey, I call the top bunk.

249. Hey, are we bound for glory right now, Mr. Big stupid?

250. Rail. Rail against the dying of the light.

251. Rail.

252. You were incredible.

253. Bix?

254. Can I have a glass of water?

255. Are you asleep?

256. Yeah.

257. I'm thinking.

258. Can we snuggle?

259. Don't. You'll weaken the team.

260. I wrote a poem about you while you were sleeping.

261. Where you going, bix?

262. Back to sleep.

263. I'm serious. Wake up and talk to me.

264. Where you headed?

265. - This is getting weird. - Mm-hmm.

266. Wherever this train's headed. I ain't particular.

267. Should we call ahead and make reservations?

268. That's what I thought.

269. I've got an idea.

270. Toaster pastries.

271. Congratulations.

272. Uh, bix, don't laugh at my footie pajamas

273. when I put 'em on, okay?

274. - All right. - Hop on.

275. What do you wanna talk about?

276. Well, I was thinking about changing the part in my hair.

277. Well, I was just thinking.

278. Since you don't care where you go,

279. just so long as you keep moving,

280. why can't we travel together?

281. I killed a bunch of drifters and you could be next.

282. Well, for one thing, you got 100 bucks, kid.

283. I don't know whether you know it or not,

284. but a traditional vagrant don't make much money.

285. They money'll be my part of the deal.

286. You'll bring a sense of style.

287. I—I'd just like to have someone to go with.

288. And I'll give you $10 every time you don't hit me.

289. It's your loot, man.

290. I guess we're stuck with each other.

291. Dear diary, I think I'm finally becoming a real vagrant.

292. Big stupid says he's gonna teach me

293. the ins and outs of drifting.

294. At my age I'm gonna be a mother.

295. Hey, this boxcar's enormous.

296. Would you move, Danny?

297. Uh, uh, camera three, get off the tracks.

298. Camera three— oh, dear god!

299. Ooh.

300. I woke up and you were there.

301. I hate that.

302. What's the matter?

303. Seven minutes late, raccoon on the tracks

304. at Brixton.

305. Oh, nothing. They're probably stopping for water.

306. Is that bad when they stop for water?

307. Do you want me to get you some water, bix?

308. - There's water— - shut up, Danny.

309. Oh.

310. Hold me.

311. Oh, it's just as I dreamed it would be.

312. Looks like we're about a mile from town.

313. Better get off here.

314. Never mind.

315. Why don't we just take the train all the way in?

316. Sure, all the way in and right to jail.

317. Or did you buy a ticket for this joyride?

318. She's slowing down. Come on.

319. Mr. Big stupid, catch me.

320. Is this right? Am I walking with you right?

321. I'll always remember you,

322. boxcar number 1837562093.

323. Goodbye.

324. I'd really like to freshen up now.

325. Gee, I thought Vegas would be bigger and shinier.

326. Get off the road, you drifters.

327. Like father like bum.

328. Think about it, won't you?

329. Is that a girl, my lord,

330. in a flat-bed Ford,

331. slowing down to take a look at—

332. oh, no.

333. Hey, I want you to take this kid for me, will ya?

334. Hey, can we stop for biscuits and gravy, big?

335. I think I sat on your keys.

336. What town are we coming to?

337. Funky town.

338. Sherman.

339. Nice little town.

340. I'll say.

341. No ifs ands or buts.

342. - Two moon junction. - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

343. Laura petrie, no!

344. Laura petrie, yes!

345. Actually, guys, it's Millie helper.

346. That's real nice, ma'am, but you're still under arrest.

347. - See ya later, Carrie. - You're so very.

348. Hey, train'll be in soon.

349. Oh, it's just another freight.

350. It'll still be in soon.

351. Oh, Peggy, not another one.

352. Just a half one.

353. You'll get fat.

354. Johnny isn't complaining.

355. Johnny's pretty wild.

356. You've been seeing a lot of him lately.

357. Well, he's better than nothing.

358. You haven't tried nothing.

359. You haven't been seeing anybody.

360. You never do.

361. Oh, I can't talk to boys the way you do.

362. That's silly, Carrie.

363. Besides, who has to talk?

364. Oh, I get it.

365. Oh, look who just walked in.

366. Sherman's answer to the brainless wonder.

367. Shh.

368. Hey, it's Abe Lincoln.

369. My pa left a list of things for you to get, Jessie.

370. Lice shampoo and a comb?

371. You understand what you gotta do now?

372. I don't think you're getting through, honey.

373. Try drawing pictures.

374. Hey, what did I say?

375. I'm talking to you.

376. I know.

377. I just like to look at you.

378. Oh, wow. Maybe I should leave you two lovebirds alone.

379. No.

380. Supposed to go down to the store

381. and get your pa some supplies. Is that right?

382. Yes, that's right.

383. As a young man,

384. Garrison keillor was shunned by his friends.

385. Thank you, Jessie.

386. I wish that I was Jessie's girl.

387. Ugh.

388. Smells like derby canned tamales.

389. You're trembling.

390. Am I?

391. I don't ever want to be alone with him.

392. Just the thought of it—

393. oh, stop it, Terry. For goodness sakes.

394. He's as harmless as a pup.

395. Yeah, cujo.

396. Everybody knows that.

397. The poor idiot likes you, that's all.

398. The way you're dressed, who wouldn't leer at you?

399. What you need is a man, honey.

400. I know.

401. You'll see. One'll come along.

402. They always do.

403. Ha. That's our midge.

404. I had enough of you two.

405. Now get out, out, out!

406. Big, should I have not put my head in the driver's lap?

407. Was that wrong?

408. Look out, sherman. Here we come.

409. Shut up, Danny.

410. Oh.

411. Ever been here before?

412. Small towns are all the same.

413. Seen one, you seen 'em all.

414. Well, the zoning's different.

415. I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

416. That's a good idea.

417. You're catching on, kid.

418. That was very insightful of you.

419. We're hungry, but I thought of it.

420. You know, do you think that could be my new job, Vic?

421. Deciding when to eat?

422. - Shut up, Danny. - Oh.

423. You won't tell your old man I was late, will you?

424. No, of course not, but...

425. But what?

426. Shouldn't have brought her in here with you.

427. Ah, what's the harm?

428. You know how pa feels about her.

429. He's told you time and again

430. not to let Sadie in here.

431. How's he gonna know unless you tell him?

432. Let me worry about it.

433. Hey, Mel, kiss my grits.

434. Tom, don't ever say that again.

435. Okay, what'll it be?

436. Well, first, a little respect.

437. We ain't bummin' a meal.

438. Oh, a money man, huh?

439. Well, now ain't that interesting.

440. You're gonna have to excuse the looks of this place.

441. We ain't used to catering to the carriage trade.

442. Well, do you think you could get back here with a menu

443. before the food goes bad?

444. Food's bad already.

445. What is this, the sad cafe?

446. Go on up there and wait on those clowns.

447. Hi, I'm midge.

448. Can I start you out with some grilled mahi mahi

449. and a grapefruit cream sauce?

450. Don't fall in love with US, baby.

451. We'll hurt you every time.

452. Have you made up your minds yet?

453. Have I ever.

454. - Aoogah! Aoogah! - Ding! Ding! Ding!

455. - Dive! Dive!

456. Oh, you mean the order.

457. Well, I'll have, uh, scrambled eggs and coffee.

458. Okay, you want juice, salad,

459. roll, grapefruit half, or pudding?

460. Rosie, the early years.

461. I didn't think life could get any worse.

462. I'm gonna go turn on the gas.

463. I've got a feeling

464. you're spending the rest of our money right here.

465. You're not ready for quips yet, Danny.

466. Well, now, what I got in mind, Danny boy,

467. shouldn't cost me.

468. Uh, we're drifters. You?

469. Oh, you have your food already.

470. How'd you do that?

471. Should I use a fork, bix?

472. Say, you're new in town, ain't ya, honey?

473. Yeah.

474. The open road is our home, ma'am.

475. Well, come on over.

476. Sadie wants to talk to you.

477. Suddenly this is rain.

478. Sit down, baby.

479. I like the welcome wagon here.

480. Tell me all about yourself.

481. Well, I don't have any bones.

482. I'm just cartilage. And, uh...

483. Well, can I tempt you with some dessert?

484. Sorry about that earlier, uh,

485. sexism thing there.

486. Is she wiping his lap?

487. Hey, you missed a spot.

488. What's your name, honey?

489. Carrie.

490. I'm so very.

491. Bet you have a lot of boyfriends.

492. Pretty girl like you.

493. No, I'm saving myself for the right oily drifter.

494. Condiment man.

495. Get your condiments.

496. Aah! We hit a wrinkle in time.

497. Delivery man always rings twice.

498. That's an unusual odor.

499. Is he one of them?

500. One of what?

501. One of your boyfriends.

502. Oh, no, that's Jessie.

503. He does odd jobs around town.

504. Very odd jobs.

505. You know, you're a beautiful girl, Carrie.

506. You're so very.

507. Bet you've got a yellow dress.

508. And yellow eyes.

509. With ruffles on it or something.

510. You're making fun of me.

511. No. Hey, why don't you put that dress on tonight?

512. You and me will go for a walk,

513. maybe take in a movie.

514. I'd like that.

515. Will you have to be there?

516. I don't know your name.

517. Bix.

518. And I'm Danny!

519. What time you get off?

520. 8:00.

521. Should I pick you up here?

522. I live under the counter, so I'll be right here.

523. Daddy, there's a drifter outside.

524. - Danny. - Get out of my underwear.

525. That's a nice name. Where you staying, kid?

526. In a boxcar on the edge of town, ma'am.

527. Save it, honey. There ain't no business here.

528. Now wait a minute.

529. Besides, he's only a kid.

530. He wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

531. - Listen, you. - Cut it out, bix.

532. It's nice to meet someone with manners for a change.

533. So now your day's complete.

534. Let's have more breakfast, Danny.

535. Now I don't wanna catch you

536. messing around with my friend here.

537. I got no manners.

538. Pay the check, tiger.

539. Grr. I'm gonna pay the check now. Grr.

540. Come on, pay it.

541. Okay. What's 10% of 79 cents?

542. Why'd she keep calling me John?

543. Uh, hey, cambot, could you do that music again?

544. Yeah, good.

545. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

546. My name is Joel Robinson,

547. and there's nothing that sets my heart a wandering

548. like the sound of a train whistle. Tom?

549. The call to the open road.

550. The urge to Chuck it all and hop a freight train

551. is one of the most romantic notions of this century. Crow?

552. That's why we've decided

553. to write our own train song.

554. We hope it brings out the same travelin' vagabond,

555. everywhere I hang my hat is home

556. spirit into you.

557. Joel, if you will?

558. Thank you, crow t. Guthrie.

559. yeehaw!

560. Tom?

561. I'm gonna pick one now.

562. Okay.

563. Well, you know, cambot, could you...

564. You know, guys, i, uh...

565. I get the feeling we're not really cut out

566. to do train songs after all.

567. I really think that being who we are in space and all,

568. we're a lot better suited at singing about being...

569. Honey, I don't know about this.

570. Please, pa, we're just going for a walk.

571. Yes, I know.

572. But after all, he's a stranger in town.

573. What do you know about him?

574. He's a drifter.

575. Here one minute, gone the next.

576. He's wearing a stomach sock.

577. I don't want anything to happen to you, honey.

578. I'm kind of fond of you.

579. Pa, he's the first boy I've seen

580. that I wanna go out with.

581. And I'm approaching menopause, for Pete's sake.

582. Well, he's kind of easy to talk to.

583. Your grandmother's easy to talk to.

584. Take a walk with her.

585. Please?

586. It's important to me.

587. It's hard to tell if he combs his hair

588. forwards or backwards.

589. Hmm.

590. All right, honey.

591. He's got six fingers! Ooh.

592. It's Larry and balki's apartment.

593. Oh.

594. I like watching you shave, big.

595. She's not that kind of girl.

596. Oh, grow up.

597. You didn't fall for that shy routine, did you?

598. You're not gonna pick your nose again, are you?

599. 7:00. Still got an hour to kill.

600. Maybe I'll kill you.

601. Hey, let's check the action in this town, huh?

602. Right.

603. Uh, that's the closet, big.

604. Let's stop by barton fink's for a drink.

605. Oh, Danny, about all that loot

606. you've got padding your pocket...

607. What about it?

608. Well, me with all my experience,

609. don't you think I ought to kind of look after it?

610. No, I'll hold onto it.

611. What's the matter?

612. Don't an honest face count for nothing?

613. Eh, no response needed. Come on.

614. Nobody trusts nobody anymore.

615. You got your key?

616. Oh, come on, big.

617. We've been by the appliance store three times now.

618. There's nothing going on.

619. How's your game, Danny boy?

620. I never played pool.

621. You never played pool?

622. Didn't they teach you nothing at home?

623. Anything.

624. Come on. Follow me.

625. Hey, it's the catholic teen center.

626. Are we going to hustle these men, big?

627. Change for a 50 please.

628. The color of Danny.

629. Did his head just turn into a big sucker?

630. What are you trying to do, buy the place?

631. Just break the 50, huh?

632. That was a lot of money back in those days.

633. He probably could have bought the place.

634. How do you want it?

635. Two 20s, a five, four ones, and some change.

636. Wait. Make that three 20s.

637. Oh, listen. Why don't I just save you the trouble

638. and give these guys the money?

639. Two 20s, a five, one, two, three, four.

640. Change.

641. You got it, buddy.

642. Uh, you got pull tabs here?

643. Oh, hi.

644. Well, rack 'em up and call the ambulance.

645. Well, this is pool, huh?

646. Aw, I cut my teeth on these babies.

647. I'm sorry.

648. Hey, you know, we never knew how to work this thing before.

649. Watch him close, you guys.

650. He's an expert.

651. Hey, there's squiggy.

652. Never mind them. Go ahead and play.

653. I am xenon. Play me.

654. Never mind US.

655. Let's prove how good a champ you are.

656. Is this the way it's gonna be, man?

657. Yes. No. Pass.

658. Friend, you're carrying a lot of money.

659. Yes, we are. Thank you very much.

660. Why don't you use some of it to prove how good you are.

661. Let's go get a snow cone.

662. Well, I ain't a gambler.

663. Me and my friend here are just killing a little time.

664. So why don't you take your kindergarten and blow?

665. Oh, my "tomachological" region.

666. Sure. We'll cut out.

667. Well, that was awkward.

668. Hey, do you guys know anything about that prostitute lady?

669. No? Oh.

670. Streets get awful dark.

671. Be careful when you leave here, huh?

672. Thanks. Safe home to you too.

673. The tension in the air is palpable.

674. Why do you drive people away, big stupid?

675. Do they mean what I think they mean?

676. That it's dark outside?

677. What's that, Danny boy?

678. That they'll be waiting for US outside.

679. Is that it?

680. That's the message I got.

681. Is it okay that I wet my pants?

682. Well, what do we do about it?

683. Well, I think maybe we should just... run!

684. Bix?

685. Bix. Yoo-hoo.

686. If you wanna look on the dark side,

687. we get killed and they get our loot.

688. And, being in a state of mortal sin,

689. we go straight to hell.

690. On the bright side, keep our loot,

691. but we get killed anyway.

692. I think I see where you're going with this.

693. Any way you look at it, Danny boy,

694. looks like we're gonna get our heads bashed in.

695. Well, is there another mentor around here?

696. Like you?

697. Just reading Cathy.

698. Leave me out of it.

699. - Oh, bix... - Will you change me?

700. Why do we have to fight if we don't want to?

701. Testosterone.

702. - Why can't we just... - Love.

703. Because that's the way things are, kid.

704. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

705. I told you once it ain't easy

706. to hold on to what's yours.

707. Sometimes you gotta fight for it.

708. Well, we better not keep them waiting.

709. Yeah, they might get angry and hit US.

710. I guess.

711. Well, let's get down to business.

712. Okay.

713. There's four of them.

714. And one of you.

715. - Come here. - Okay.

716. Now what I'm gonna do, see,

717. is I'm gonna kill you

718. and strap you around my body for armor.

719. two of US.

720. That just don't come out right.

721. Well, what's so funny?

722. Well, any way you look at it, we're gonna get killed.

723. I don't wanna be a hobo.

724. I wanna be a nurse.

725. Uh, I forgot my comb.

726. Comb over here.

727. Uh, which one of you speaks stupid?

728. Jerry just said to tell you here'll make a deal.

729. I'll give you five dollars

730. if you got a hardboiled egg in your purse.

731. Hand over the wallet nice and peaceful

732. and you can walk out of here

733. the same way you came in.

734. Well, that don't make sense.

735. I thought it didn't sound right.

736. We give you our wallet,

737. we go out of here flat broke.

738. And, man, that ain't the way we came in.

739. That's your answer then?

740. That's it, Sonny.

741. Okay. All right.

742. Well, I'll just—

743. I'm gonna let Jerry know, and I'll get back to you.

744. Okay.

745. I think he likes me.

746. Can I have change for a 50.

747. What a dummy.

748. Come on.

749. Here, boy.

750. Come on, Danny. There he goes.

751. Uh, sir, can you change this back into a 50?

752. Well, I didn't expect to spend the whole 50 bucks in there.

753. We're flat broke now!

754. They got away. That was brilliant.

755. Certainly not worth mugging US

756. for, um, 75 cents.

757. The dark side of mayberry.

758. Yeah, if Andy were here,

759. he'd outwit them with some homespun wisdom.

760. I feel sorry for the unfortunate mugger

761. who mugged US.

762. Hey, um, what's the downside of running again, big?

763. Really good show tonight...

764. Really good show.

765. - See this alley? - It's where you're gonna die.

766. Pay attention.

767. - Ow. - See this alley?

768. Yeah.

769. This is where it'll be then.

770. Now you do like I say...

771. Ow!

772. Remember, folks, a backhand

773. will knock him cold for hours.

774. Hey, it's got all the furnishings

775. from their boxcar.

776. What— what happened?

777. I'll get a tricorder reading, captain.

778. Frankie valliand the four seasons of the apocalypse.

779. I'll give 'em a manicure they'll never forget.

780. Oh, this is the alley where fonzie was introduced.

781. Ooh.

782. Hey, sit on it.

783. Plop, plop, fist, fist,

784. oh, what a fight it is.

785. - Where's the other one? - I don't know. I can't see him.

786. What are you waiting for, Danny?

787. Don't hurt me. I have this glass jaw thingy.

788. Danny likes you, mister.

789. Oh, look out. I dropped my—

790. okay, I got it. Okay.

791. Spartacus.

792. Frodo is in one of those barrels.

793. Oh, that smacks of tolkienism.

794. Aah!

795. Watch out for the recycling.

796. Oh.

797. He's trying to uncomfortable him to death.

798. Oh, he looks good in a choker.

799. Must... save... spock.

800. What's that little guy doin' in there?

801. Crosby, stills, Nash, and young

802. have creative differences.

803. Long may you punch.

804. It's Donny most and Joel grey in a fight to the death.

805. You guys need anything in there?

806. The cross and the switchblade.

807. Mom!

808. What were you doing down there, kid?

809. Come on, kid.

810. Let's get back and get you fixed up.

811. What about your date?

812. Forget it. Ain't that important.

813. Huh?

814. Now, wait a sec. I'm just gonna pop this.

815. Man, have you got a lot to learn.

816. Hold still.

817. Now, the idea is to keep your face away from his fist,

818. not put it out there where he can find it.

819. Guess I'm not much of a fighter.

820. What are you whispering for?

821. It ain't no secret.

822. How about that guy I groined in the knee?

823. You know, first thing in the morning

824. we're gonna have to get some new clothes.

825. Sheriff sees US in these rags,

826. he'll throw US in jail for vagrancy.

827. Is that constitutional?

828. - Bix. - Yeah.

829. Anymore of those...

830. I was scared.

831. If you hadn't have been there, I would have run.

832. I almost did anyway.

833. What a wuss.

834. Well, we're all scared sometimes, kid.

835. When you're in a spot like tonight, you have two choices—

836. you can stay and face it and be afraid,

837. or you can run and be ashamed.

838. It's up to you which is easiest to live with.

839. I'll take the latter.

840. That ain't too bad.

841. Plastic surgeon fix you up in no time.

842. Take a look.

843. So am I supposed to look like a Picasso painting?

844. My dad would never believe this.

845. You two didn't get along too good, huh?

846. Well, sure. He's quite a guy.

847. A lawyer.

848. Well, level with me, kid.

849. What's this back alley trip for?

850. Well, you may as well know.

851. I'm the prince from lichtenstein, big.

852. Said they were getting a divorce.

853. Dad made it clear it was my fault.

854. Just like that, he said.

855. So 19 years have been a waste of time.

856. Oh, you can see the string. Look.

857. Well, so you cut out. You ran away.

858. How do you choose between two people

859. who have always seemed like one to you.

860. Ew.

861. I've never had that problem.

862. I wouldn't know what to tell you.

863. You're on your own on this one, Danny.

864. Crowding me into a corner.

865. Danny, this isn't the answer.

866. My dad's man to man talks,

867. I couldn't think straight.

868. I had to get away from them.

869. This is not your induction physical, Danny.

870. Maybe without them pushing

871. I can work things out for myself.

872. Ah, I'm gonna take some money

873. out of the till for booze, okay, honey?

874. We made over $5 today.

875. That's a lot for these days.

876. Ah, 9:00, business goes under.

877. Aah!

878. Your dad's a lawyer.

879. Does he make good money?

880. He's always been able to give me

881. whatever I wanted. Within reason.

882. Tell me another story, big.

883. I guess you'd say we're as close

884. as a guy and his dad can be.

885. Big, was it something I said in the fight?

886. What's funny now?

887. Sounds like my old man.

888. We were real close too.

889. Took me everywhere he went.

890. I knew every beer joint in town

891. by the time I was eight.

892. That's somebody's ideal childhood.

893. He gave me a lot of things too.

894. Mostly his fist in my face.

895. Did he swing it, or just place it there gently?

896. Well, I'm gonna go continue the cycle.

897. Oh, I know these kinda guys, honey.

898. He's a drifter.

899. They never stay put very long.

900. He might have left town last night.

901. Here's the lunch rush.

902. Shall I?

903. No, pa. I'll take their order.

904. Back off, dad. He's mine.

905. - Hi, Carrie. - Hi.

906. - Hi. - Hi!

907. - Hi. - How ya doing?

908. What are you going to have?

909. Oh, I don't know. What do you got?

910. Anger and resentment.

911. I waited for you last night.

912. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

913. Well...

914. Well, something came up out of nowhere, and...

915. I had a trans-species experience last night.

916. Landed all over his face.

917. Oh.

918. Ain't no kiddin', Carrie. I'm sorry.

919. Let's make it for tonight. What do you say?

920. Same time?

921. All right. Tonight.

922. Sucker.

923. Hi!

924. - Hi. - Hi.

925. - Can you imagine? - What?

926. Two hours I waited for him last night.

927. Who? What are you talking about?

928. Johnny. Who else?

929. Two hours I wait, and he doesn't even show up.

930. Honestly, Carrie, sometimes I don't even...

931. Ixnay, Ellie may.

932. I did it again, big.

933. Hello there.

934. Uh, hi. Right back at ya.

935. This is big.

936. And this is, uh...

937. This is Danny.

938. Hi.

939. You're kinda cute for a boy, hmm?

940. What happened to your face?

941. What happened to my face, big stupid?

942. shaving.

943. And the moment collapses.

944. Got a dime?

945. - Sure.

946. I got 5,000 dimes.

947. Follow me.

948. Ah, do you like aqualung?

949. you aren't mad about last night, are you?

950. - No. - Good.

951. You can walk over me any time.

952. Hey, don't forget that yellow dress.

953. The one with the ruffles.

954. Oh, and bring some French fries too.

955. Might even take you dancing?

956. Honest?

957. Sure.

958. You got a portable radio?

959. Gee, thanks. Good. Bring it along.

960. Still don't approve.

961. Hey, who is that character back there.

962. He keeps staring at me.

963. Oh, Lester flatt.

964. That's my father.

965. Oh, ho. Look at the time.

966. I'm doing Omaha at 5:00.

967. See you later.

968. So basically the plan is to get him

969. to ask for change for the pinball machine,

970. then threaten him,

971. and then we beat the snot out of him.

972. Like in the movie, right?

973. Well, yeah. I guess that's it in a nut shell.

974. That's beautiful, Tom.

975. But what if he doesn't fall for it?

976. Ha. Are you kidding? He's like an overgrown child.

977. He's practically got "rube"

978. sewn into the back of his underwear.

979. He's the poster child for naivete.

980. Oh, oh. Here he comes.

981. Oh, hi, bros.

982. Hey, my old pinball machine.

983. Yeah. Wanna play?

984. Yeah, no. Uh, what else is going on?

985. Oh! Nothing, Joel. Not a thing.

986. We used our tricorders to scan the s.O.L.

987. For entertainment potential,

988. and the pinball machine is the only thing

989. that even moved the meter.

990. Well, uh, you guys know best.

991. Ha ha, poor dope.

992. Oh, what's that?

993. Uh, I said do you need any quarters?

994. Uh, you know, actually I don't have any money.

995. Let's just forget it.

996. I'll give you $50. Need change?

997. Uh, crow, this doesn't have any connection

998. to that weird beating scene in today's film, does it?

999. No.

1000. I mean, jeez. I can't believe—

1001. jeez, Joel. I mean, what would make you think that?

1002. It's just a—jeez.

1003. Yeah, right. Like, "hey, servo,

1004. "let's drag the pinball machine on deck

1005. "and get Joel to ask for change for his 50,

1006. "and then hog-pile him by a bunch of crates

1007. we set up to look like the alley."

1008. Yeah, right. Jeez. You believe this guy?

1009. Well, uh, if it's all right with you,

1010. I'll just borrow one of your quarters

1011. and, uh, play a game here.

1012. Of course. Go ahead.

1013. What do you think it's there for?

1014. Uh, Joel?

1015. Uh, yeah?

1016. Uh, you're not gonna take that 50 dollars

1017. and come into our mock alley set

1018. and let US hog-pile you

1019. and snag on you and stuff, are you?

1020. Uh, no.

1021. Uh, okay. I'll be right back.

1022. Joel?

1023. Uh, yeah, honey.

1024. You're absolutely sure?

1025. Yeah.

1026. Oh, okay.

1027. Well, then we're just gonna have to hog-pile you here!

1028. Servo, let's get him!

1029. Oh, we got movie sign! Oh!

1030. Uh, sorry we had to use the Mr. Ed set.

1031. What's wrong? What'd I do now?

1032. Women.

1033. Well, you brought your tackle box.

1034. No wonder I'm upset.

1035. So this is bass lake, huh?

1036. My dress, it's blue.

1037. I don't have a yellow dress.

1038. I tried to make it yellow with my mind, but I got tired.

1039. And there isn't a ruffle on it anywhere.

1040. Ugh, I'm out of here.

1041. But it's the best dress I've got.

1042. Third inning here, and Don drysdale

1043. is playing the game of his life.

1044. Come on. Sit down.

1045. Come on. Move it. Haven't got all day.

1046. Oh, feels like swollen glands.

1047. Mm-hmm. Move in.

1048. Well, I think we've found our girl in lover's Lane.

1049. Mm.

1050. Pa doesn't know very much about girls' clothes.

1051. There's so much you could say to that.

1052. You got a boyfriend? Somebody special?

1053. I thought you were gonna be him.

1054. I don't know any boys, really.

1055. I mean, really know them.

1056. You know, her neck looks like Randy Johnson's

1057. from the Seattle mariners.

1058. Mm?

1059. I don't get it.

1060. Yeah, me neither.

1061. What?

1062. I love the rings they make

1063. when they hit the water.

1064. Yeah, rings. Right.

1065. That rings thing really bugs me.

1066. It'll be you, me, and the moon.

1067. You wear a necktie so I'll know you.

1068. Oh, this is a great date.

1069. I always wanted to be nuzzled by a hobo.

1070. Mm. You smell like hash browns.

1071. Don't you dare Mark me.

1072. Well, where the heck did your lips go?

1073. There we go.

1074. Remember, make the tongue the reward,

1075. not the rule.

1076. Oh, forgive me for responding to you.

1077. So when a man says no, he means yes, right?

1078. No.

1079. You know why I brought you out here?

1080. To get to my father?

1081. You got any idea?

1082. Uh, for my tater tot hot dish recipe?

1083. To talk about hockey?

1084. Nah, you wouldn't.

1085. Uh, 'cause you like shoes?

1086. Come on, kid. I'll take you home.

1087. Okay.

1088. Sorry about being warm, tender, and accommodating.

1089. Just a little dart from the Coca-Cola company.

1090. Is, uh, pa still here?

1091. In the back.

1092. He's makin' that special sauce.

1093. Well, if it isn't little Danny's mother.

1094. I don't think the kid'll need a mother anymore.

1095. I think maybe tonight he becomes a man.

1096. Yeah, how'd you figure that out?

1097. Sadie was in here earlier.

1098. Said something about a bar mitzvah.

1099. Ain't she kinda robbin' the cradle?

1100. He ain't in no cradle tonight, friend.

1101. Uh, the meatloaf's good.

1102. You hear me? Where'd she take him.

1103. Hey, what's this all about?

1104. This guy's nuts, Cal.

1105. Well, what's going on here?

1106. This bum set my friend up with that Sadie dame,

1107. and now he can't remember where she lives.

1108. - Sadie? How many ti— - d'oh!

1109. She lives around the corner.

1110. 933 elm street.

1111. Third bedroom on the left. Pink lingerie hangin'--

1112. Pete, you're through.

1113. No more excuses. Just get out.

1114. You'll never serve lunch in this town again.

1115. That's the last time I hire a pimp.

1116. D'oh.

1117. Bill Haley!

1118. Know what?

1119. Just found out this place is a brothel!

1120. Ha. You believe this?

1121. Well, I'll have what he's having.

1122. It's unforgiven meets making the grade.

1123. hey, Edie brickell's in there.

1124. Now why is she singing the theme to the six million dollar man?

1125. I don't know.

1126. Good show.

1127. what I wouldn't give to be Mr. Bubble right now.

1128. Hoo-hoo.

1129. Well, what's your problem?

1130. Sorry. Wrong room.

1131. Melanie Griffith?

1132. Are you waiting for a bus?

1133. Uh, eh, well...

1134. Get the heck out of here.

1135. Hey, wait a second.

1136. Bring mommy a beer.

1137. I'll be right out.

1138. Why do they have a bathtub in the sitting room.

1139. Well, turn your back.

1140. Done.

1141. Now what did I come in here for?

1142. Danny who?

1143. Now that really appeals to...

1144. Naked floor.

1145. Well, hello there tassel feet.

1146. Joel, when I grow up, I wanna be a drifter.

1147. How does that towel stay in place?

1148. Nice shirt.

1149. Are you in the wrong room now?

1150. I've never been in a righter room in my life.

1151. I don't know.

1152. If this room is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

1153. You know what?

1154. The problem is that she looks like Kurt Russell

1155. in tango and cash.

1156. Do you know now?

1157. Do you take mastercard?

1158. I don't know what room I'm in.

1159. This hooker is just prostituting herself.

1160. D'oh.

1161. You know, being with a hooker's

1162. just too much of a commitment for him.

1163. He can't handle it.

1164. Well, I, uh...

1165. I'll see you...

1166. Yow!

1167. Ooh.

1168. I'll just check behind this green door.

1169. Hello?

1170. Mrs. Uh, prostitute?

1171. Danny?

1172. Hmm?

1173. Hey, she's got a skunk costume.

1174. It sounds like eubie Blake is in the next room.

1175. Hmm.

1176. Uh, sir, there's no late seating until intermission.

1177. This is getting into a weird area.

1178. Cindy Brady, all grown up.

1179. Hey, a coupon for the frisco mill.

1180. Now Sadie, girl.

1181. We both know you ain't that expensive.

1182. Oh, you got me.

1183. Come on. Put all that green back where it belongs.

1184. Oh, line. What—what's my line?

1185. Well now, I'm just not getting through to you, am I?

1186. Tell you what, take five out for yourself.

1187. 'Cause that's just what you're worth.

1188. cheap booze you used to get him drunk.

1189. Sadie, I hate hittin' dames.

1190. Oh, man. There's so much not to like about this guy.

1191. Owie. Stingy.

1192. You know, back in those days,

1193. five bucks was a lot of money.

1194. Uh, what's a hundred minus five?

1195. Is this your...

1196. Talk about dipping into the till.

1197. Didn't your mother teach you any better?

1198. Maybe you ain't dishonest.

1199. Maybe you're just illiterate.

1200. Now you look real close.

1201. See a "2" and an "0" side by side like that

1202. make 20, Sadie girl.

1203. Oh.

1204. Not five.

1205. Uh, she's a prostitute.

1206. You can't really shame her, okay?

1207. Ain't you a shame.

1208. cocktail?

1209. Sadie, don't.

1210. You know, why do all prostitutes

1211. dress like Joan blondell?

1212. Oh, he just broke Danny.

1213. Oh.

1214. You know, Danny should come with his own tote.

1215. You know, once again, big has saved Danny

1216. from a heterosexual experience.

1217. I'll, uh, just reschedule at the front desk.

1218. Buddy, let's get you a nice, honest,

1219. fresh hooker.

1220. Oh, Danny. You're killin' me.

1221. Ah, they're at the shady rent hotel.

1222. Hmm.

1223. Ugh. I got a stummy ache, big.

1224. Oh, he's gonna put Danny down for a nap.

1225. Little nappy.

1226. Read me "stinky cheese head man," okay?

1227. Come back to bed, honey. Oh.

1228. You know, this guy's life

1229. would have been a lot simpler

1230. if he would have just lost his wallet

1231. and gone home.

1232. Yep, definitely.

1233. I could have ended up like Bob crane.

1234. Pa, it won't hurt to try.

1235. Now look, honey.

1236. Please.

1237. All right, I'll think about it.

1238. Uh, you know I'm shrinking at an alarming rate over here.

1239. Good morning, boys.

1240. Everything work out okay last night?

1241. Did you meet my brother George?

1242. I, uh, I let Pete go.

1243. I don't hold with that kind of thing in my place.

1244. Yeah.

1245. I'll be kinda short of help for a while.

1246. Hey, he's got a TV's frank curl.

1247. I'll have some scrambled eggs and coffee.

1248. I'll have a penicillin.

1249. - Me too. - Sure.

1250. Stop the music. My eggs are cold.

1251. Ah, cha, cha, cha, cha.

1252. He said they'll have scrambled eggs and coffee.

1253. Ask him, pa. Go on. Ask him.

1254. Uh, would you please go out with my daughter.

1255. - Nice day. - For a white wedding.

1256. Is he coming on to US, big stupid?

1257. Don't order the toast.

1258. Toast.

1259. Oh, shh.

1260. You know, their drifting career

1261. has really stalled.

1262. Yeah, it's just me and Carrie now for a while.

1263. Sure could use somebody to help out.

1264. I'll be in Vegas next week with Scott thorson.

1265. I don't suppose you'd be interested

1266. in working for a spell?

1267. Me? I get cold sweats at the thought of it.

1268. Why don't you, bix?

1269. We're getting kinda low on money.

1270. - We'll manage. - What about our nest egg?

1271. We didn't plan on hanging around.

1272. Hey, it's the camay lady.

1273. You, uh, really stuck?

1274. Yeah.

1275. He's got a gull wing toupee.

1276. Oh, wormhole!

1277. Five years later.

1278. Big, where are the kids?

1279. I just felt a chill of horror. Honey?

1280. Mm, how about some of those good powder milk biscuits?

1281. Heavens they're tasty.

1282. Hmm.

1283. What is it with this creep?

1284. He has you shaking like a leaf. Why?

1285. I don't like him, and I guess he knows it.

1286. He's always trying to touch me.

1287. Well, you are one of three women in town.

1288. I'll wait on him, see if he'd like to touch me.

1289. So you wanna— hey, don't touch me.

1290. He looks like a gargoyle.

1291. - What'll you have? - Antagonist special.

1292. I want the girl to wait on me.

1293. She's busy. I'll take your order.

1294. - I want the girl. - I said she's busy.

1295. Well, will you put on a dress and say, "may I help you?"

1296. I'll come back when she ain't.

1297. You know, this new waiter's just killing our business.

1298. Ooh, what an odor. Urine and Brussels sprouts, maybe?

1299. You better get ready to go. I'll take you home.

1300. Okay.

1301. Leaving?

1302. Yep. It's all yours, Danny boy.

1303. Take over.

1304. Be all by myself in here.

1305. I'm stepping into a pretty big apron here.

1306. Eric Carmen?

1307. - No, you won't. - Oh.

1308. Well, uh, enjoy yourself.

1309. You get a minute, you might wait on the customers too.

1310. Uh-huh.

1311. All both of them?

1312. You got a dime?

1313. Ha. You know, back then a dime was like having $1,000.

1314. Yeah.

1315. They're in the land of the lost.

1316. Watch out for sleestaks.

1317. Romance strikes biosphere two.

1318. I like it here on omicron ceti III, Jim.

1319. Big? You have a job now.

1320. Could we maybe go to a movie or something?

1321. I've never been out of sherman.

1322. Well, it ain't the world. There's a lot more than this.

1323. I guess you've been about almost every place there is.

1324. Yeah, just about.

1325. Seen it from the inside of a boxcar,

1326. but just about.

1327. There are your damn rings.

1328. Hey, you wanna bath?

1329. Gee, I've never had a bath before.

1330. Oh, no, bix, you wouldn't.

1331. Come on.

1332. No!

1333. - Come on. - Stop!

1334. Oh, think I broke my ankle...

1335. Don't you ever get tired?

1336. I mean, don't you ever feel like you wanna stop?

1337. And do what?

1338. Well, stop and stay put someplace.

1339. A person's gotta belong somewhere, doesn't he?

1340. But nobody doesn't belong to Sara Lee?

1341. You see that?

1342. Boom mic. Picks up everything we say.

1343. roof over my head for so long,

1344. I wouldn't know no other kind.

1345. That is so out there.

1346. Mm-hmm.

1347. You get kinda lonesome sometimes, don't you, Carrie?

1348. Yeah, but I just throw myself at a hobo, and...

1349. Yeah, kinda figured...

1350. I'll do the talking.

1351. Don't let it get you.

1352. Someday, some guy's gonna come to town

1353. and pick you out over everybody else.

1354. Over Millie and the prostitute?

1355. bix?

1356. Sure.

1357. Before you know it, you'll be in love.

1358. you need to be in love with some guy.

1359. The right guy.

1360. Lou. The right guy. Lou.

1361. How will I know?

1362. beats me. I ain't no expert.

1363. Well, then quit giving out free advice.

1364. Mm-hmm.

1365. Well, come on, kid. You better take me home.

1366. I can't get my mind off the rings.

1367. Really love the rings.

1368. I need the rings. The rings. The rings!

1369. Have you ever been in love?

1370. Well, I liked a cat once.

1371. No. Never stayed in one place long enough.

1372. Never wanted to.

1373. I'm all screwed up inside.

1374. Come on, kid. I'll take you home.

1375. It's getting late.

1376. Would you stop calling me "kid" and taking me home?

1377. My blouse, it's caught.

1378. Well, I gotta go. I'll see ya.

1379. You mean you can't move?

1380. No, it's caught on.

1381. Oh, well, well, well, well.

1382. Well, this is a very interesting situation here.

1383. Well, now that you're half undressed,

1384. how about that bath now?

1385. Oh, no.

1386. He sees her as half undressed.

1387. I see her as 90% dressed.

1388. Is this the way it happens?

1389. Well, usually there's dinner and a movie, but yeah.

1390. Yeah.

1391. Big, do you have a sewing kit?

1392. Hmm.

1393. Oh.

1394. Oh, it's the stage manager from our town.

1395. Oh, she still busy?

1396. Can she wait on me?

1397. He's actually one of the better dressed men

1398. in this town.

1399. Mm-hmm.

1400. The British are coming, the British are coming.

1401. Well, here we are. 2615 lovers Lane.

1402. I can see pa's home.

1403. Pa, pa, pa, pa—!

1404. I didn't think he'd be home this early.

1405. Where's he been?

1406. Nate cumming's son is getting married.

1407. They had a bachelor party for him.

1408. Sounds wild.

1409. Well.

1410. If it isn't the great drifter,

1411. kind of the hobos.

1412. Kids have a nice time?

1413. Yes, pa.

1414. Looks like you did too.

1415. Oh, you know me, honey. I never drink much.

1416. Yeah, let's see you drift, you drifter.

1417. Good night, bix.

1418. Yeah.

1419. Well, you mad?

1420. You gonna hit— hit me, drifter?

1421. What's wrong?

1422. You're drunk.

1423. Yeah, Mr. Judgmental over there.

1424. Took a freight train from Kansas City

1425. and you're something special. Ugh.

1426. You know, big stupid is not a very appealing leading man.

1427. Oh, you got me there.

1428. I'm drunk all right.

1429. I'm out of ammo on that one.

1430. Yeah, I'm gonna go...

1431. Walk around in front of the window in my underwear.

1432. You're drunk too.

1433. What's up?

1434. Nothin'.

1435. Big, I blew my paycheck on another prostitute.

1436. Sorry.

1437. Did you have a fight with Carrie?

1438. - No. - You?

1439. Looks like blue boy at the dinner table up there.

1440. Cal Anders. He was drunk.

1441. Smelled like my old man.

1442. Here it comes.

1443. Even looked like him.

1444. My old man.

1445. Think I'll keep him.

1446. Used to work me over regular

1447. every time he got drunk.

1448. And he got drunk every day.

1449. So he worked me over every day is the point.

1450. Got to be routine.

1451. It would, wouldn't it?

1452. If he didn't slug me when he came home,

1453. I thought he was sick.

1454. Was he?

1455. One night I hit him back.

1456. He fell down, and he never got up again.

1457. He was so full of booze, he drowned in it.

1458. Sorry.

1459. I killed him.

1460. Uh, my dad missed parents' night at glee club.

1461. The doc said the fall had nothing to do with it.

1462. So I killed him too.

1463. His heart just gave out.

1464. But you said you killed him.

1465. I did.

1466. I pulled his heart out and made it stop.

1467. I wished him dead.

1468. So how was your day?

1469. Once I ate a whole pack of snowballs

1470. and I vomited in the back seat.

1471. - Okay. - She's nude!

1472. Say cheese, everybody.

1473. Cheese.

1474. They're losing their will to drift.

1475. Eat it all, kids.

1476. I made it with my own two dirty hands.

1477. I bet you've got a lot of hidden talent.

1478. I don't keep nothin' hidden. It all shows.

1479. Ew.

1480. Uh-uh. What'll you give me for it?

1481. What do you want?

1482. If you have to ask, forget it. Tiger.

1483. Right. Here's your dang dime.

1484. Huh?

1485. Oh, time to drift.

1486. Got drifting in my blood, you know.

1487. What's the matter?

1488. Nothing. I'll be right back.

1489. I have to wipe him.

1490. Your heart's showing.

1491. I should plug that hole.

1492. He's leaving soon. I know he is.

1493. So? He leaves and another guy comes along.

1494. What's the problem?

1495. You go to the doctor, you get some shots.

1496. I love him, Peggy.

1497. Do you?

1498. It sounds like the Robbie Douglas band.

1499. There's no such animal.

1500. What, is she Lydia lunch over here?

1501. Danny?

1502. You have a weird body.

1503. You homesick, kid?

1504. I guess they're pretty worried about me by now.

1505. Ain't hard to make a phone call.

1506. The operator does all the work.

1507. No, not yet. I'm not ready yet.

1508. Well, maybe we ought to be moving on.

1509. She's kind of stuck on you.

1510. Ah, she's stuck on another branch.

1511. Maybe you're stuck on her too.

1512. Now look, bright boy.

1513. You start playing cupid,

1514. I'm gonna throw you to the fish.

1515. Bluegills scare me.

1516. We don't have to move on. We could stay here for a while.

1517. No, we'll leave at the end of the week

1518. just like we planned.

1519. Whoa, just cut my thumb off.

1520. We been here too long already.

1521. Man, I don't know what the problem is.

1522. Maybe the three-bean salad.

1523. Throw sand on it. Jeez.

1524. Hey, you two. How about a swim?

1525. Oh, not yet, tiger.

1526. You just finished eating.

1527. We'll take a walk with you, though.

1528. All righty.

1529. Coming?

1530. How to stuff a weird bikini.

1531. Mm-hmm.

1532. That was my favorite scene.

1533. Here, smell this, will you?

1534. Seeing Carrie tonight?

1535. No, you take the night off.

1536. Get yourself rolled.

1537. - But I thought that— - don't.

1538. Every time you think, it gives me a headache.

1539. Seems to me you ought to tell her then.

1540. He should get a funnel.

1541. She's not like other girls.

1542. You ought to tell her we're leaving soon.

1543. Most girls you can just use.

1544. I'll be in the back.

1545. I have some supplies to unpack.

1546. Yeah, my heartbreaking tools came in.

1547. I got a customer.

1548. Oh, what do I do? What do I do?

1549. Stay calm. Stay calm.

1550. Pervert burger.

1551. By yourself, kid?

1552. Yeah.

1553. Where's the girl?

1554. Carrie.

1555. She...

1556. Think, man.

1557. She left early tonight.

1558. She entered the witness protection program.

1559. I was kind of wondering when you and your partner

1560. were gonna leave.

1561. You know, in this town,

1562. we don't like people coming in and taking things

1563. that ain't theirs.

1564. Call US persnickety.

1565. You know what I mean?

1566. Let me get you some mexi skins.

1567. Hi.

1568. Bye.

1569. Ammonia? Grass clippings?

1570. What is that odor?

1571. What is it with this creep?

1572. Every time he shows up, somebody gets the jitters.

1573. I don't know.

1574. It's something about him.

1575. His eyes.

1576. His overpowering stench.

1577. He's not the harmless idiot they think he is.

1578. I am.

1579. What'd he want?

1580. Carrie.

1581. This is like a route 66 episode.

1582. I'll take tonight off after all, okay?

1583. Sure. I'd hate to meet him

1584. in a dark alley some night.

1585. What would you do? Run?

1586. Oh, that hurt. Why can't you ever support me?

1587. I got a hankering to humiliate a drunk dad.

1588. Oh, hi.

1589. Has foster Brooks stumbled out of bed yet?

1590. Hi.

1591. Where are you going?

1592. Got a lot on my mind.

1593. Thought I'd take a walk.

1594. Hey, will you show me that thing

1595. with the egg and the pop bottle again?

1596. Come on.

1597. Nice.

1598. Okay now, Tom.

1599. I don't want you doing this on your own, okay?

1600. Okay. Now egg-xactly what's gonna happen again?

1601. Well, what happens is the fire burns up

1602. all the oxygen in the bottle,

1603. and creates a vacuum...

1604. Oh, and then the egg gets sucked down into the bottle.

1605. Cool. What a neat experiment.

1606. I'm Jack elam. Ugh.

1607. It says here in the webelos handbook

1608. that it should take about two or three minutes.

1609. Oh, look, it's Jack elam.

1610. Place egg on top—

1611. oh, hi. Nice Jack elam costume, crow.

1612. Egg will slip in the bottle.

1613. So has it done it yet?

1614. Uh, no.

1615. Here are the goods you ordered. Ugh.

1616. No, don't bump the desk. The egg.

1617. Uh, don't talk to me.

1618. I only wanna deal with gypsy.

1619. She around?

1620. Uh, crow, we get that you're dressed like Jack elam, okay?

1621. Not just dressed like.

1622. Am elam! Am Jack elam!

1623. To live like the elam.

1624. - The egg's moving! - It is?

1625. Uh, no. I guess not.

1626. Look. Look. Look at me.

1627. Look at me a sec. Look, look.

1628. I'll do that bouncy thing he does.

1629. You guys are a tough crowd.

1630. Worked a long time on this.

1631. That's great, crow. You really look like him.

1632. Yeah, crow, but maybe you look

1633. a little too much like Jack elam.

1634. Yeah, well, maybe I do, servo.

1635. What's wrong with that, huh?

1636. Jack elam was a brilliant character actor.

1637. For all I know, he still is.

1638. And you know what?

1639. I've never been as Jack elam as I am at this moment.

1640. I am Jack elam.

1641. And I don't need your pity.

1642. Yes, you do.

1643. What are you saying?

1644. That I'm a total failure.

1645. No, I'm saying that you're a total failure

1646. and you look like Jack elam.

1647. Ugh. You guys don't appreciate me.

1648. Come on, let's go.

1649. We got commercial sign,

1650. and we gotta get a new egg, all right?

1651. Pardon me, crow.

1652. Whoa!

1653. I'm not Jack elam anymore.

1654. I don't know. Maybe a soft boiled egg.

1655. Sorry.

1656. do something you didn't like?

1657. You're drunk, aren't you?

1658. - Look, Carrie. - You're so very.

1659. I don't know how to take you.

1660. You say you're gonna wear a yellow dress.

1661. I don't know what to do with you.

1662. I'm a drifter, a nobody.

1663. I ain't the guy you been waiting for.

1664. You ate him? Why?

1665. I don't wanna hurt you.

1666. I like you, daddy. Like!

1667. I'm no good for you, Carrie.

1668. But i—I've never met anyone like you.

1669. Yeah, and if you're lucky, you never will again.

1670. Well, you don't know anything.

1671. Uh, thanks, I think.

1672. Now's the time for you to learn all the nice things.

1673. I can't teach 'em to you.

1674. I'm booked solid.

1675. Things you learn from me,

1676. you'd be better off never knowing.

1677. Like algebra. Ugh.

1678. Ask your old man.

1679. He's got me pegged right.

1680. He knows I don't stay put.

1681. I—i think he'd like you to stay.

1682. He said... [hiccups, slurs] I'd like you to stay.

1683. Inside of a week he'd be pushing me around,

1684. slapping me down.

1685. Selling me to foreign dignitaries.

1686. Making me hit back.

1687. Ah, heck. I'll stay.

1688. It's no good, you and me, Carrie.

1689. It's just no good.

1690. Love should be musky and whiskery and bad.

1691. Go on.

1692. They're time traveling again. Stop it.

1693. If I'm something new to you...

1694. Something nudey?

1695. Then maybe I could teach you something too.

1696. How to crinkle-cut fries?

1697. - Goodnight, Carrie. - You're so very.

1698. Yeah, how do you like my theme music?

1699. Big stupid did a great job protecting her.

1700. Jack, no. Drop her. Drop her.

1701. If it ain't little Carrie Anders,

1702. Ms. Innocence herself.

1703. And you can stop play acting,

1704. because I followed you up here.

1705. Stay away from me, Jesse.

1706. Oh, he's taken on a torgo quality.

1707. Very torgo-esque.

1708. And I wanted to kiss you.

1709. No, no. Hey, Jack, knock it off.

1710. - No! - Boo.

1711. don't hurt none.

1712. And you can stop pretending

1713. you're so Lily white.

1714. Didn't I tell you I was watching you and him?

1715. Okay, goodnight, Carrie.

1716. my big stupid!

1717. Stop it!

1718. There we go.

1719. Down he goes.

1720. Why did I wanna be him?

1721. Hey, my eye went straight. Thanks!

1722. Just trying to kiss her.

1723. She always says, "no, no, Jesse."

1724. Now Jack has a legitimate beef there.

1725. Someday you ain't gonna be around.

1726. To pick up the pieces

1727. when somebody breaks your heart.

1728. Well, I'm gonna leave you again.

1729. He probably won't be back. You'll be fine.

1730. Let's go make some of your dumb rings.

1731. What time will you be over tonight?

1732. I don't know. I have to check with Danny about something.

1733. I'm right here.

1734. But time's run out. That's it isn't it, bix?

1735. You better go on home.

1736. Danny and I will finish up here.

1737. Yeah, finish up here.

1738. But I ordered a tuna melt.

1739. I have—i have a surprise for you.

1740. Something I wanna show you.

1741. I got you that new seven iron.

1742. I'll see you later. Later tonight.

1743. Are you ever gonna not shoo me away?

1744. I counted. We have 87 straws, big.

1745. 87.

1746. Hmm.

1747. Does she know?

1748. How should I know? Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.

1749. Oh, good point.

1750. Look, bix, i—i told you we could stay here for a while.

1751. At least until you're ready to—

1752. I'm ready now, man.

1753. Hey, he called me man.

1754. Are you... sure you're doing the right thing?

1755. Now ain't this crazy. You givin' me advice.

1756. I'm only trying to help.

1757. Well, when I need your help, you little punk,

1758. I'll whistle for you.

1759. Whistler's mother.

1760. All of a sudden everybody knows what's good for bix.

1761. Even you. But look at you.

1762. You can't solve your own problems,

1763. but you got mine all figured out.

1764. I don't get it.

1765. Well, who's asking you to?

1766. Third base.

1767. Who's asking for any of this?

1768. Look, I don't need you, Danny boy,

1769. and I don't need her.

1770. Don't say me. Don't say me.

1771. So get off my back, will you?

1772. Go on. Get out of here.

1773. We're out of French onion soup.

1774. I said get out of here!

1775. Don't you look at me like that.

1776. Go lay down outside. Go lay down.

1777. Bill koon said he'd give US a lift out of town.

1778. The truck pulls out at 10:00 sharp.

1779. That's great. You'll be on it.

1780. Oh, one last thing. Could you work for me Monday?

1781. Oh.

1782. Men!

1783. that's barnaby Jones.

1784. Oh, yeah.

1785. Oh. Sorry.

1786. You know, she's so well trained,

1787. she never leaves the yard.

1788. Does all her business in one little section.

1789. - Carrie. - So very.

1790. Bix.

1791. I—i was beginning to think that you...

1792. I—i had the funniest feeling...

1793. It seems to me that you were...

1794. I can't explain it.

1795. I was just about to eat a...

1796. There's only a half a pound of...

1797. It's true then, isn't it?

1798. You're a Nazi.

1799. You came to say goodbye.

1800. Well, you made it easy. See ya.

1801. I don't know what I want.

1802. Maybe you're it. I just don't know.

1803. Please. Just yes or no.

1804. Are you leaving tonight?

1805. Carrie, listen. I'll be back.

1806. But I will. I—i need time.

1807. I have to think.

1808. I have to go through a visioning process.

1809. I tried to give you a reason for staying,

1810. but you wouldn't let me.

1811. Come on, kid. I'll take you home.

1812. Oh.

1813. All my life I never belonged to nobody.

1814. Anybody.

1815. I learned to live with it. I even learned to like it.

1816. How nice for you.

1817. Try to understand, Carrie.

1818. I didn't want this. I didn't wanna get close.

1819. It just happened.

1820. And I ain't sure if it's for me.

1821. Aren't sure.

1822. She's gonna blow!

1823. Maybe I gotta learn what it is to need someone,

1824. to be needed.

1825. You're stepping on the ball of my foot.

1826. Carrie.

1827. You're so very.

1828. So Danny tells me you killed your dad.

1829. I gotta take Danny's sitter home.

1830. I'm going back to the enterprise, Carrie.

1831. Oh, yeah, that reminds me,

1832. when can I get my last paycheck?

1833. Oh, I'll get it later.

1834. Trying to make these buildings explode as I walk by,

1835. but it's not working.

1836. Memories, like the corners of my mind...

1837. This is where he used to say,

1838. "I'd better take you home, kid."

1839. my battalion's moving out soon.

1840. Gene Kelly. Oh.

1841. I can't wait any longer. I'm late now.

1842. something's bothering her.

1843. Hmm.

1844. This is where we used to eat dirt.

1845. This man could win $5,000!

1846. Hey, uh, if you're drunk, it's okay.

1847. Shovel your walk?

1848. Uh, oh, it's summer. That's right.

1849. I'll see if she's out here.

1850. Maybe I can call her kid and take her home.

1851. look, a buffalo-head nickel.

1852. Carrie.

1853. Have you seen my keys?

1854. Carrie, who did it?

1855. And do you have someone to cover your shift tomorrow?

1856. My dress...

1857. It has ruffles on it.

1858. Those ruffles have ridges.

1859. Hold on. I'm still talking about my dress.

1860. I love you.

1861. Oh, edvard munch is here.

1862. What was that?

1863. I don't know. I just arrived in this film.

1864. I'll go find out.

1865. No, don't go.

1866. Look, you stay right here.

1867. But your pants.

1868. Carrie.

1869. Forgive me.

1870. For I have sinned,

1871. and it's been three weeks since my last confession.

1872. Carrie, you were right.

1873. A guy does have to belong to somebody.

1874. I belong to William Conrad.

1875. Carrie...

1876. Oh, Carrie.

1877. Oop. Sorry. Didn't know you were posing for a romance novel.

1878. We drove onto a movie set. Let's get out of here.

1879. What was it?

1880. We've gotta go get the sheriff.

1881. The cafe heiress has been killed.

1882. She died.

1883. And she was so very.

1884. In my arms.

1885. You told me that.

1886. Man, they're really packing in the new characters

1887. at the end of this movie.

1888. what a night.

1889. this has been a peaceful town for 20 years.

1890. Yeah.

1891. There's gonna be trouble.

1892. Can't you understand that?

1893. Please. I'm brooding.

1894. I loved her.

1895. I never got a chance to tell her.

1896. She has to order more frying medium.

1897. She cried.

1898. Can you beat that? A beautiful thing like her

1899. crying over a slob like me?

1900. Listen to me.

1901. You're stuck here.

1902. Have you ever seen a lynch mob?

1903. Uh, in a play once.

1904. And what do you think that silence means out there?

1905. That everyone's asleep?

1906. Listen, when you kill in this town,

1907. you get a stern lecture from the sheriff.

1908. By morning, that silence

1909. will be the loudest noise you've ever heard.

1910. Oh, well—huh?

1911. She died so easy.

1912. Like she'd done it before.

1913. Didn't take much.

1914. All you had to do was murder her.

1915. Now I'm gonna be late for the James drury convention.

1916. The dress, it had ruffles on it.

1917. And ridges.

1918. She was wearing the yellow dress.

1919. I didn't even notice.

1920. Until I tried it on.

1921. We can and will hold this against you, son.

1922. Although it's weird.

1923. All right, now. Show's over.

1924. Well, I checked that whole area up there.

1925. Whose?

1926. Couldn't find a thing.

1927. He tell you anything?

1928. I can't reach him.

1929. You better put him in a cell.

1930. Eh, I'm gonna go home and watch dorf on golf.

1931. You want the... Tonight?

1932. And then we'll have to load these.

1933. I don't envy you that job.

1934. Genuine mausers.

1935. Got 'em from the kaiser.

1936. Been a long time since we've had to use 'em.

1937. Boy, he's just really peeved about this murder.

1938. What do you say, mack?

1939. - Hi, bill. - Gotta dance, Jack.

1940. How about checking this right front tire?

1941. It feels kind of low.

1942. Sure.

1943. Feeling mighty low.

1944. Well, I guess sherman's really buzzing with excitement, huh?

1945. Sherman hemsley.

1946. He was gonna do jeffersons live.

1947. murder in a town that size.

1948. What are you talking about?

1949. Yeah, you got your head up your—

1950. yeah, my brother in law phoned a couple hours ago

1951. and said some girl by the name of Anders was killed.

1952. Saw it on matlock.

1953. Carrie Anders.

1954. Carrie?

1955. Yeah, did you know her?

1956. She was my friend's girl.

1957. Well, don't worry. They got the punk who did it.

1958. Some stranger.

1959. They ought to hang the bum.

1960. You gotta take me back.

1961. Now, look. You know i—

1962. - $20. - I've gotta—

1963. - 30! - Sold American.

1964. Car okay?

1965. Yeah, it's okay.

1966. Well, I do gotta dance.

1967. Relax, kid. You're on your way.

1968. Well, Danny sure can charm the older set.

1969. Mm-hmm.

1970. Oh, I'm just so beat from loading all them guns.

1971. Hup!

1972. Hold it. Hold it right there.

1973. - What are you gonna do? - Bring him out.

1974. - Panty raid. - Bring him out here now, Tom.

1975. Don't do this, Cal.

1976. You don't know that he killed Carrie.

1977. But what you're doing is murder.

1978. - Give me the keys. - Listen to me.

1979. No, you listen to me.

1980. Are you gonna bring him out here,

1981. or do I have to go get him myself?

1982. I lost my best waitress.

1983. Jim, come out here.

1984. Should I draw my— oh.

1985. Put 'em in a cell.

1986. Put 'em both in a cell.

1987. If you can't afford a lawyer,

1988. the court will appoint one for you.

1989. Think what you're doing.

1990. I'm sorry I called you a drunk a while back.

1991. Wow.

1992. I'm gonna beat you, boy.

1993. Beat you till you can't stand up.

1994. Turn you over to the others.

1995. Hey, that sounds—oh.

1996. You gotta believe me. I wasn't—

1997. get him out of there.

1998. They took turns at big stupid,

1999. and there was three of them.

2000. Where's my daily planner?

2001. Gotta leave a note for myself.

2002. Oh, we got him. We got him.

2003. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

2004. Whoa. They're taking him way out of town.

2005. We got him. We got him. We got him.

2006. Can't you go any faster?

2007. We're doing the limit now.

2008. And I got one of them bumper stickers

2009. that says if you don't like my drivin'--

2010. I wouldn't hurt her.

2011. I loved her!

2012. You loved her?

2013. That's great!

2014. She tied you down. That's what you said.

2015. I heard you myself.

2016. No. No.

2017. Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis.

2018. Why did you do it? My beautiful little girl.

2019. Gollum. Gollum.

2020. Why don't you hit back?

2021. Hey, that guy's taking credit for my murder.

2022. Hey, uh, anybody sitting here?

2023. Can I squeeze in? Yeah. Thanks.

2024. You dirty punk.

2025. Why? Why did you do it?

2026. Actually, it's really more ironic

2027. than funny, isn't it?

2028. That truck looks like an English bulldog.

2029. Oh.

2030. Eh, back off, wormy.

2031. What are you doing?

2032. Ooh, good wood on that one.

2033. Let me through. I said let me though.

2034. Please let me through. I'm a hobo.

2035. Get up. Get up!

2036. You're fired.

2037. Get him up.

2038. Think they'll get him up?

2039. I think I killed your daughter. Oh.

2040. Looks like Jack's doing an open stage.

2041. - Jesse. - Now Jerome.

2042. Oop. Gotta go get them pot stickers

2043. out of the wok.

2044. Trying to look at nobody, and I'm looking at everybody.

2045. Isn't that the trail boss from wagon train?

2046. Get up and fight!

2047. That sequence is over. Let's get him!

2048. Yay!

2049. He's at the 20. Good open field tackle.

2050. Don't pass out on me now.

2051. Not yet. No, no, no, no. Don't pass out on me now.

2052. Get up.

2053. Didn't touch her.

2054. I didn't touch her.

2055. I'll bet you didn't.

2056. Hey, look what I found.

2057. It's a Danny o'day dummy.

2058. You get over there and tell them what you did.

2059. I didn't touch her.

2060. I didn't mean to kill her.

2061. Ha. Nobody can say they coerced it out of him.

2062. She was trying to scream.

2063. I didn't mean to kill her.

2064. Well, I didn't mean to kill her so much.

2065. i—well, you had to be there.

2066. keys are in the other door.

2067. hey, don't you want your $20 and your new suit?

2068. quick, move his head.

2069. He may have a spinal injury.

2070. Aim it just right. There.

2071. They gotta get some more women in this town.

2072. Mm-hmm.

2073. Big, how about a burger with all the trimmings?

2074. He's the one. You made a mistake.

2075. Hey, somebody wanna grab Jack, uh...

2076. Be a good idea.

2077. This came in a couple of days ago.

2078. I didn't know we had a celebrity in town.

2079. You're Scott thorson.

2080. There's the phone, boy.

2081. So can I hit you just once?

2082. Never got a chance to.

2083. I was locked up in here.

2084. He should sue 'em.

2085. 'Cause even if it was just $100,

2086. back in those days—

2087. yeah.

2088. He was wrong. He'll pay for it.

2089. Carrie's dead.

2090. And you almost were.

2091. Long distance, please.

2092. I'd like to make a collect call

2093. to Mr. or Mrs. John winslow.

2094. In larchmont.

2095. Tell Danny I'll be back.

2096. He'll be back.

2097. Dad?

2098. It's great to hear your voice too.

2099. Hopped a freight, met a guy,

2100. he got beat up, I got beat up,

2101. he met a girl.

2102. That's swell, dad.

2103. You're gonna kill a fatted calf?

2104. Well, look, it's too long to go into now,

2105. but I'm bringing someone home with me.

2106. A friend.

2107. Oh, oh, and he killed his dad,

2108. so don't bring that up, okay?

2109. Oh, siddhartha.

2110. Black gold. Texas tea.

2111. I love the rings they make

2112. when they hit the water.

2113. Yeah, well, there you go.

2114. Have you ever been in love?

2115. Well, I was, but she died.

2116. Golly, I'm stupid.

2117. I'm dumber than an eight-pound hammer, I am.

2118. Bix. Bix.

2119. You know, I'd like to see you

2120. in a yellow dress with ruffles.

2121. Come on, bix.

2122. We're going home.

2123. Come to daddy.

2124. And so bix and Danny left the...

2125. Oh, sorry.

2126. Come on.

2127. One weird-ass movie.

2128. See the further adventures of Danny and bix

2129. this fall on nbc.

2130. Joel.

2131. Mm-hmm.

2132. Tom and I have been horribly scarred

2133. by the way this movie ended,

2134. and that means we're filled with rage.

2135. Whoa, just back off, you guys.

2136. You can write a different ending if you want.

2137. Huh?

2138. Yeah, it's just fiction.

2139. I mean, you don't have to accept the ending they hand you.

2140. Wow.

2141. Oh, okay. Um, um, oh.

2142. Oh, just a minor change.

2143. What would happen if the nice restaurant woman lived?

2144. You think it even occurred to 'em?

2145. And instead, Jack elam is, uh...

2146. - Gone. - Right!

2147. And then big stupid and Danny get a Grant

2148. and they renovate the cafe.

2149. A real chili's feel, without all the chili's crap.

2150. You know, a fun place for a birthday, Joel.

2151. Free hats, prize buckets,

2152. you know. Hoopdie doodie.

2153. Uh, how's this?

2154. Uh, Jack elam is kidnapped by aliens.

2155. Mean aliens.

2156. Sure, mean aliens.

2157. Then big stupid and his little pal leave that town

2158. 'cause they're driftwood,

2159. and then the apocalypse happens,

2160. and dinosaurs roam the land,

2161. and they capture dinosaurs and they tame them,

2162. and they ride 'em like horses.

2163. And we see the bond between man and lizard,

2164. etcetera, etcetera.

2165. Uh, crow, aren't you getting a little bit

2166. away from the movie?

2167. Bear with me?

2168. Then there are pygmies.

2169. Oh, yeah!

2170. We live in a vast pygmy kingdom.

2171. Okay, let's, uh, read a couple of letters here, okay?

2172. This one's from Steve of union town, Ohio.

2173. Put that on—

2174. oh, oh. The pygmies have lain hidden

2175. throughout the eons, and they are wise,

2176. and they disdain you with their stinking machine!

2177. Ugh.

2178. Okay, and, it says, uh,

2179. "my sister thinks servo's so cute.

2180. What is gypsy's last name?"

2181. - And— - oh, oh, I've got it.

2182. The pygmies are poison if you touch 'em,

2183. so don't touch 'em!

2184. Yeah, it would be a mistake.

2185. Okay, and for the invention exchange,

2186. she should have a garbage disposal trash can.

2187. So that's from...

2188. They can tell when you're thinking bad thoughts about 'em,

2189. so don't even think about 'em.

2190. You see, 'cause...

2191. Okay, and this one is from Suzie bell

2192. of Rochester, New York.

2193. She sent a picture. Put that on—

2194. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

2195. Okay, okay. What?

2196. Oh, then you fall in love with a pygmy.

2197. Okay.

2198. - Yeah. - Yeah.

2199. Okay. And then she writes,

2200. "I like the time when you sing..."

2201. And the moral, you see, is never love a pygmy.

2202. - Because they're immortal. - Yeah.

2203. - And they can fly. - Mm-hmm.

2204. And you can't fly.

2205. So you see, your heart's naturally...

2206. Okay. And then she writes,

2207. "I like your show so much,

2208. I give it 100 plus 100 equals 200."

2209. You see what happens is then

2210. the pygmies get a bus,

2211. and they drive all the way to Hollywood.

2212. Florida.

2213. Florida. Yeah.

2214. They're coming from Hollywood.

2215. This is from Rebecca of appleton, Wisconsin,

2216. and she writes, uh,

2217. "dear Joel, gypsy, Tom—"

2218. Peter lawford and Peter lorre

2219. were in this film with them in Hollywood,

2220. and then their heads started exploding

2221. when they went across the desert

2222. and were headed towards Florida.

2223. Uh, wait. We gotta work on this.

2224. "How come crow always gets time outs for being sassy?

2225. I think Joel—"

2226. Peter lawford and Peter lorre

2227. can be called Pete and re-Pete.

2228. 'Cause its...

2229. "Joel is a little hard on 'em.

2230. "Anyway, I think Joel should get a time out for once.

2231. What do you think?"

2232. And then they head for the stars.

2233. Yeah. Yeah.

2234. And then you learn some kind of lesson.

2235. And then you go home.

2236. Now that's a better ending.

2237. Mm-hmm.

2238. Ah, what do you think, sirs?

2239. No, frank. No more alternate endings.

2240. No, wait. Hear me out on this.

2241. Now, I envision big stupid as pure energy.

2242. - Pure energy? - Yes.

2243. I'm fascinated. Frank, step this way.

2244. He's plucky pure energy.

2245. Plucky pure—

2246. pure energy with a heart.

2247. Lay down there, and, uh, if you would,

2248. hold this railroad spike on your skill.

2249. Sure.

2250. Now, I envision a moment of truth.

2251. Now, there could be lots of adventurous scenes—

2252. here's a moment of truth.

2253. Oh!

2254. Well.

2255. I also see a role for Charles durning in this.

2256. There could be—oh!

2257. Till next time, Joel.

2258. Then there could be another scene—

2259. oh!

2260. Are you waiting for a bus?