Mystery Science Theater 3000 6x8

1. - Hi, girl

2. - What a cool guy

3. - He's a wisecracker.

4. - Oh now, what is this?

5. Oh, this is my second grade piano recital.

6. Hey Gypsy, wake up, check this out.

7. Oh, you actually get a feeling for what it was like

8. to really be there.

9. - Oh yeah, this is really interesting.

10. - Oh, Joel, these are fascinating,

11. now who took these?

12. - Uncle Roy.

13. - Oh yeah, the guy with the mole.

14. - Right, exactly.

15. Gypsy, come check this out.

16. - So cute!

17. - Hi everybody.

18. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

19. Well, you can probably tell by now

20. that Joel just transferred

21. all his old home movies to videotape.

22. - You know what?

23. I think this is that picnic we took

24. up to Kashcanan Mounds.

25. - Kashcanan Mounds?

26. - I'm kind of worried about Tom Servo.

27. - Oh, watch what I do now.

28. Gypsy, check this out.

29. - You pulled the shorts down.

30. - Now that's funny.

31. - Yeah.

32. - Hey, are those Minnie's kids there?

33. - No, that's Brett and Brenda,

34. they're Brian and Bridget's kids.

35. Minnie's kids are...

36. - Oh, Ray and Tony.

37. - Right, and Teresa.

38. - Oh yeah, this is fascinating.

39. - Tommy don't go in too far.

40. - Hey, look what I found.

41. Swing Choir.

42. - Swing Choir?

43. - All right, explain to me again

44. how this bulk eraser fell out of the closet

45. and onto these home movie transfers

46. when the closet isn't anywhere around here?

47. - Yeah, weird, isn't it?

48. - Yeah.

49. - No matter, I've got duplicates in my foot locker.

50. - Yeah, I know.

51. I found those.

52. - Oh, Marilynn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr, are calling.

53. Crow.

54. - Ah, Joel.

55. I wonder if you wouldn't indulge me today?

56. Frank's been down a bit lately,

57. and well,

58. when the poor fella's not shuffling

59. head-down through the lab,

60. he's locked himself in his room

61. watching old "Misfits of Science" episodes,

62. So, to pick him up,

63. I thought I'd let him do this week's invention exchange.

64. Really put the spark back in.

65. - Dr. F, I'm ready for this week's invention.

66. - We're ready for you, Frankie.

67. - Right.

68. My invention exchange this week,

69. the fully-lined, leather sprinkler pants

70. that I like to call,

71. "Lederhosen."

72. Hosen.

73. Now I can schottische while watering my plants.

74. In my lederhosen.

75. Hosen.

76. I just wanted to wear lederhosen, okay?

77. It's a stupid invention,

78. I admit it.

79. I just wanted to be Bavarian for one brief shining moment.

80. Is that so wrong?

81. - Oh, Frank.

82. Yes, it is wrong.

83. Deeply wrong.

84. But you've been under a lot of stress lately.

85. Tell you what,

86. we'll get you an alpenhorn,

87. would that make you feel better?

88. - Yes!

89. - Why don't you go on with your invention exchange, Jim?

90. - It's Joel,

91. and if you'll indulge me, your Hinderness,

92. I'd like to turn over this week's invention exchange

93. to our own Crow T. Robot.

94. - Thanks, Joel.

95. The vulture,

96. long associated with pestilence and death,

97. is in reality a clean and helpful bird,

98. who is quite easy to get along with.

99. So to improve his image,

100. I invented Sara,

101. the Bobbing Buzzard.

102. - Sara?

103. - Yeah.

104. Based on the water drinking bird,

105. this friendly carrion-eater

106. cleans up roadkill or table scraps.

107. - That's great, Crow.

108. - Yeah, it kinda looks like you, Crow.

109. - I think you'll agree

110. there are few sights in nature

111. as beautiful as a plump member of the cathartidae family

112. pulling a sinewy string of fetid meat

113. off a weak, dead Thomson's gazelle.

114. There's a theme song.

115. Wanna hear it?

116. - Uh, sure Crow.

117. - What do you think, Forrester?

118. - Your movie this week, Joel...

119. Stars the...

120. - Ricola?

121. - Oh, thank you Frank.

122. Would you just get back there?

123. Your experiment this week, Joel,

124. stars Sean Connery's brother Neil,

125. and they're more than happy to tell you that.

126. It's called "Operation Double 007."

127. And now,

128. I have to strangle Frank.

129. - Help!

130. by Crow.

131. - Stop.

132. - Hey, assault on a queen.

133. - The Danny Bonaduce story.

134. - Mutiny on the Betsy.

135. - Good thing they have an espresso machine.

136. - "Get over here and turn the music down."

137. - "Like this?"

138. - "All hands on me!"

139. - Honey.

140. - Is there anything this guy doesn't do?

141. - Kid power!

142. - I sailed to Tahiti with an all-girl crew.

143. And all I got was this wet t-shirt.

144. - Uh-oh.

145. You know when there's four people on a screenplay,

146. there's gonna be trouble.

147. - Yup.

148. - You know, I'm suddenly hungry for Cracker Jacks

149. and I don't know why.

150. - Sure would like to get permission to come aboard.

151. ♫ He likes to wear mittens

152. ♫ He's got a deviated septum

153. ♫ He's a real big fan of Delta Burke

154. ♫ He gets his hair cut on Tuesdays

155. ♫ He prefers stuffing to potatoes

156. ♫ His favorite movie is "Turner and Hooch"

157. Hooray for Santi Claus

158. - This guy can't possibly live up to

159. this song they wrote about him.

160. He's probably just an accountant named Wallace.

161. - So you're saying you like this guy?

162. - Oh no, please don't hold back.

163. How do you really feel?

164. - Women who sing too much.

165. - And the men they sing about.

166. - Port of call, Cindy.

167. - Oh, Ennio.

168. - Now, this is one naughty navy.

169. - We do more hair and makeup before breakfast

170. than most people do all day.

171. - Hey, it's the Old Spice guy.

172. - It is.

173. - Must be one of those airplanes

174. I've heard them talk about so much lately.

175. - Ah, Paul Williams' lunch box.

176. "Stay there, my friend."

177. - "No one else has a lunch anywhere as good as mine."

178. - "We now return to 'Ship of Fools.'"

179. - 'Scuse me.

180. - You know, if William Conrad were there,

181. they could watch a letterbox version.

182. - If he wants to change the channel,

183. does he get another woman?

184. - Oh yuck she's Flowbee-ing his back.

185. - "Oops, uh. Wrong room."

186. - "Should I come back?

187. "Yeah I'll come back."

188. - Oh thank God,

189. I thought we were gonna see his naked butt.

190. - "Thank you, sir, I'll bill your room."

191. - "Hello, I'm Merv Griffin."

192. - "I was just gonna press pause,

193. "but nah."

194. - "What's it like being the TV, Cindy?"

195. - "Well, it's better than Flowbee-ing his back."

196. - "Now showing on my back,

197. "'Morgan Stewart's Coming Home' at two, four, six,

198. "and eight."

199. - "Yes? May we help you?"

200. - "When did I hire you?"

201. - This is one great Motel 6.

202. - Ah, the life, huh?

203. - "Thank you for touching me, sir.

204. "That will keep me going for the entire day."

205. - "Eleanor? Is this your robe?"

206. - They're on the PMS Pinafore.

207. - Someone's on a pogo stick.

208. - Huh?

209. - What?

210. Oh.

211. - "Um, it's been nearly two minutes

212. "since anyone's fondled you, sir."

213. - "Susan, it's for you."

214. - "Tell him I'm not here."

215. - "Hey, Buck."

216. - Now wait a minute,

217. how is it that he gets color on his girl,

218. but only black and white on his TV?

219. - What's Moneypenny doing there?

220. Isn't that a conflict of interest?

221. - Oh that's nice,

222. they have a bar sign up there for the pilot.

223. - They have a very loose dress code at this business.

224. - Tora!

225. Just the one.

226. - "Hm, I like planes."

227. - "Um, is this a cyst on the back of your head?"

228. - "Up yours!"

229. - "Come in, Thunderbirds."

230. - "Johnny Astro, real radar."

231. - "Claude Rains pops the clutch

232. "and tells the world to eat his dust."

233. - "James Brolin in, 'The Car.'"

234. - "Michael, I want all episodes

235. "of Captain Nice burned."

236. - "Oh my God, Herbie's gone bananas!"

237. - "This is Bob going to my imminent death."

238. - "A Screen Gems presentation."

239. - "The late Waldo Pepper."

240. - "Thanks for the 'all clear,' Moneypenny."

241. - Suddenly, she's a coffee table.

242. - "You know I love my torsos."

243. - No, no.

244. - Nope, no.

245. - No, uh-uh.

246. Ew!

247. - I think I know why Thunderball was a hit.

248. You never saw him kiss anyone in it.

249. - Hurry.

250. - "This is Rita Braver reporting to you

251. "live from Krakatoa,

252. "east of Java."

253. - "Here come the clowns!"

254. - "There might be bees burning in there.

255. "I've gotta save 'em!"

256. - "Something smells good."

257. - "Hey, look what I found,

258. "I think it's a guy."

259. - "He's Cajun now,

260. "better call Paul Prudhomme."

261. - "I'm gonna run in the sprinkler.

262. "Whoopee!"

263. - You know there's probably nothing

264. but bass jigs in there.

265. - "Gillette Foamy is so think,

266. "it can put out this fire."

267. - "Guys? I'm gonna go start lunch.

268. "I'll meet you back at the ranch.

269. "Sandwiches again?

270. "Okay, see you later."

271. - It's too late, he's dead.

272. - All right, help me get him out of here.

273. Let's lift him up.

274. - "Quick, some lip blusher."

275. - "Oh, this game again."

276. - "Thanks, Roy, I appreciate your help."

277. - Now, why is she dressed like Barney Rubble?

278. - Mustang Sally, you better slow that Mustang down.

279. - Hello, Maya speaking.

280. Ward died in the explosion.

281. - "Is that okay?"

282. - I have the box with me.

283. Over.

284. - Fine.

285. Now let's get to work on his girlfriend.

286. The Japanese.

287. - "Oh and,

288. "happy Secretary's week,

289. "I bought you a gun."

290. - It's up to you, now.

291. This time, I want the girl alive.

292. I've got a few questions to ask her.

293. - "Oh and, lose the Ringo hat."

294. - "Sir? You're not wearing any pants."

295. - The banks of circle pines.

296. - "New city ordinance.

297. "All buildings to be painted beige."

298. - "Get Kristie Wong."

299. See, this is what happens when you bob for French fries.

300. - Gentlemen, here we have

301. a practical example of the theories I have illustrated.

302. - "I suggest we oxicute them."

303. - Two weeks ago, the patient you see here,

304. Ms. Yachuko,

305. sustained first and second degree burns—

306. - "At my hands."

307. - On her face

308. as shown on the slides.

309. - "I'm looking for fang."

310. - They called me here from Edinburgh last week.

311. When I saw this girl's condition—

312. - "I heaved."

313. - I decided to operate immediately

314. before scar tissue began to form.

315. I'm glad to be back here in time to show you

316. the results of this operation personally.

317. - "It's great to be here,

318. "thanks for supporting live surgery."

319. - Fantastic.

320. - "Now, Michael Jackson's journey is complete."

321. - A miracle in plastic surgery,

322. don't you think?

323. - A miracle, yes.

324. - "Plastic surgery?"

325. - "She's turning Japanese,

326. "I really think so."

327. - The results are due not only to modern surgical technique,

328. but also to an ancient Tibetan process

329. defined as "the hypnotic process of total recall."

330. It differs from the usual hypnosis

331. in that it allows us to operate

332. with the complete surrender of the subconscious—

333. - Wiener.

334. - And thus obtain the patient's collaboration.

335. - Zicardo.

336. - Doctor.

337. - He's asking when the buffet starts.

338. - Doctor Huphung was asking me

339. if it would be possible to make a demonstration

340. of hypnosis of total recall.

341. - "No."

342. - This experiment requires the outlay

343. of a great deal of energy.

344. - Why don't you try it?

345. - "Why don't you, buddy?"

346. - No no, not the young lady.

347. - "Her hat's too big."

348. - Excuse me, doctor,

349. I really thought that I was just whispering.

350. - Actually, it's my fault.

351. I didn't hear you,

352. but I am capable of lip-reading.

353. I would say the young lady is not an ideal subject

354. for this sort of thing.

355. - "'Cause she's hot."

356. - She appears to have unusual will-power.

357. I'm afraid it would take too long.

358. - "I found that out the hard way."

359. - However, we have Ms. Yachuko,

360. with whom I have already conducted experiments

361. of the same type

362. and it would simplify things if Ms. Yachuko would agree.

363. - "Thank you Mr. Connery's brother."

364. Gentlemen, please.

365. - "Watch Neil rock."

366. - "Give me a second here."

367. "Sleep!"

368. - "All right, here's the church,

369. "here's the steeple,

370. "open the door and go to sleep-le."

371. - "The Sixth Sense,

372. "with Gary Collins."

373. - The Powers of Matthew Star.

374. - You know, is Rick Wakeman on the premises?

375. - The cast of Jacques Brel arrives on the scene.

376. - Now Ms. Yachuko has lost direct contact with time.

377. - "She thinks she's in Dresden during the war."

378. - Her life from the maternal womb right up

379. to the present day is at our disposal.

380. It can be totally brought back if we so desire,

381. because every experience she has lived through

382. has been registered on her subconscious.

383. - "We're from the yearbook."

384. - And with greater precision than

385. the most highly developed electronic brain.

386. - Let's pance her subconscious.

387. - That'll be enough for now.

388. What are you doing?

389. Leave her alone.

390. - "I have her till Tuesday."

391. - "The Rodney King verdict just came in."

392. - Nancy Sinatra's kicking ass!

393. - Uh oh, Lyn Nofziger fights back.

394. - Not exactly Jackie Chan, is it?

395. - Everybody stop flipping.

396. - "I'm not a hugger, please."

397. - "You hurt me."

398. - "You know I can read lips.

399. "Did I tell ya I can read lips?

400. "I'm reading lips right now."

401. - "Naughty little girl."

402. - Sam Donaldson.

403. - Tales from the dark side.

404. - "They need coffee in there, quick!"

405. - "It's Michael Cane,

406. "look out!"

407. - "Well that was easy.

408. "Jeeze, I'm already running ahead of schedule."

409. - "I wonder who that could— ow!"

410. - Get out.

411. Just hurry.

412. - Right.

413. - "We just came to beat everybody up.

414. "We're leaving now, thanks."

415. - I hate to be interrupted when I give a lecture.

416. - Poor Jud Fry is dead.

417. - This man is dead.

418. - No duh.

419. - Yes, unfortunately I found myself distracted.

420. So I used the sublime attemi.

421. It's fatal.

422. - Don't tell me, doctor,

423. that there's anything that would be able to distract you.

424. - Oh yes, for instance,

425. when a charming girl keeps gazing out of the window

426. while a brawl's going on.

427. - Get it?

428. - It's your fault if my jaw is broken.

429. - Oh, I'm sorry.

430. But what can I do to make it up to you?

431. - "Paint my house?"

432. - What do you suggest?

433. - Come on, you guys, let's go.

434. - I've got an idea for a kind of neat scenario

435. or a scene, maybe.

436. - Joel's really gone off the deep end this time.

437. - I'll say.

438. - All I know is in this outfit

439. I feel like a total femme.

440. You know what?

441. I don't have a problem with it.

442. - All right, time for my daily back rub.

443. Who's going to do the honors?

444. - Joel, none of us have working arms.

445. - I know.

446. - Hey Joel, what is that thing?

447. - It's all part of my diabolical plan.

448. - But it's just a useless prop that you built.

449. It's not even connected to anything.

450. - I know.

451. - Joel, is there any point to this?

452. I've got a lot of work to do.

453. Would you mind telling us what this is all about?

454. That's it.

455. - I've had enough.

456. - Joel, you're ruining it for me.

457. - I know.

458. - Really funny sketch, Joel.

459. - I know.

460. - Wait until the judge gives his verdict.

461. What else can you do?

462. Don't forget we have a corpse to deal with here.

463. - Corpse?

464. - And Ms. Yachuko's disappeared, too.

465. Sorry, doctor.

466. - "I'm talking to Fudgy the Whale."

467. - You are to remain at our disposal

468. until the investigation is over.

469. - How long will that take?

470. - We're moving as fast as we can,

471. but please don't set foot outside the limits of Monte Carlo

472. until you get the okay from us.

473. - But I have to go back to Columbia University.

474. I have some operations that are waiting.

475. I can't remain here indefinitely.

476. - "The former Ms. Moneypenny, sir."

477. - Your Highness.

478. - There's your man, Commander.

479. - "I hope you'll be very happy together."

480. - "Oh, he's hardly Sean, I realize,

481. "but he comes cheap."

482. - The Osterman Weekend.

483. - Ms. Yachuko was right.

484. - "That's an ugly beard."

485. - You can see the resemblance.

486. - "To John Sexton."

487. - Think so?

488. I'm not so sure of that.

489. Really, I don't think he's quite so good looking.

490. - "Oh yeah?"

491. - Why don't we shave the beard off,

492. just to make sure.

493. - Just peel it off.

494. - The beard is mine, I'm attached to it.

495. I want it to remain right there.

496. And furthermore, I'd like to know what's going on here.

497. - I'm Cunningham,

498. of Allied Counter-Espionage for Western Europe.

499. - "And I'm the Elephant King."

500. - This is Ms. Maxwell, my assistant.

501. You're the brother of our top agent.

502. - "Michael Ovitz."

503. - So I think we can trust you.

504. - The flirting nun!

505. - "Still got it."

506. - Hm, Swiss steak for lunch.

507. Lucky guy.

508. - "I'd like to make a confession.

509. "I think you're hot."

510. - You know, Dave Barry's not funny.

511. - I should have used Mitchum.

512. - Turn your head, you're fine.

513. - Drop that knife.

514. - "Do you mind?

515. "We're playing war games."

516. - What, does he have a fur ball or something?

517. - Drop it, I said.

518. - "I am the walrus, goo goo g..."

519. - Gee, I think I had her in eighth grade.

520. - "Now,

521. time for his catheter."

522. - She's a flibbertigibbet.

523. A will of the wisp.

524. A clown.

525. - "I want this problem called Maria taken care of,

526. "permanently."

527. - Sister Mary Mayhem.

528. - "Father, forgive me,

529. "for I have murdered."

530. - "Yea though I walk through shadow

531. "of the valley of..."

532. - "Death."

533. - Oh.

534. - "Make me happy, how'd I do?"

535. - "She is good."

536. - See? There is a role for women in the church.

537. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

538. - Sin and the art of archery.

539. - "This handy hostage packs into a compact

540. "nine by 14 case, hard case also available."

541. - She's making a human burrito.

542. - Make it snappy, Sister,

543. we've got other pick ups.

544. Come on!

545. - "I'm married to the Lord, you know."

546. Oh boy, I'd kill for a jump cut right about now.

547. - "Oh Lord, please let my work

548. "reflect thee in thine eyes."

549. - The few, the proud, the Opus Dei.

550. - Is this a documentary on how to do this,

551. whatever this is?

552. - Oh, oh she's a stunt nun, you know.

553. I saw her get interviewed on the Sci-Fi channel.

554. - Sheeze. Send her to an outward bound,

555. and this is the result.

556. - Now this is when you sit back

557. and watch it all come together.

558. - Looks like Turk 182.

559. - "We'll have her back tomorrow."

560. - "Human cleaners:

561. "we'll clean your humans overnight."

562. - "Dodge vans: more room, same ride."

563. - Now, let's review the steps

564. on how to run a hostage down a rope."

565. - "Um, can we stop at a Baskin Robbins?"

566. - Oh, they're repo clergy.

567. - Dr. Connery,

568. would you look at that photo?

569. It was in Ms. Yachuko's bag.

570. She said you know him.

571. - It's Ward Jones.

572. He was planning to marry her.

573. - "Then I showed up."

574. - I met him when he took my course in hypnosis.

575. The one I gave in Japan.

576. A very capable chap.

577. - "Thinks he's a chicken now."

578. - I saw Jones killed this morning.

579. - Ward's been killed?

580. - By the same people that tried to kidnap Yachuko.

581. - "The Shriners."

582. - Thankfully, she's back in our hands.

583. Ward had important information he wanted to sell us.

584. Unfortunately, he was killed before he got it to us.

585. - Actually, Ward asked us to protect Yachuko

586. because he'd given her some secret information

587. and he was afraid she might be in danger.

588. Now, she denies this absolutely.

589. - Is this a Barnaby Jones wrap up?

590. - And I'm inclined to think she's telling the truth.

591. - But we can't find any explanation in this business.

592. - Then I'll explain it to you.

593. - Ward had learned a special yogi technique,

594. quite complicated but very effective.

595. Briefly, it's very possible to communicate—

596. - "I'm not getting any of this."

597. - in a state of hypnosis of total recall.

598. The subject himself doesn't know he knows,

599. but he would be able to repeat verbatim

600. if he was again hypnotized to the same extent.

601. - Do you mean that's how Ward Jones—

602. - Precisely. - "You're welcome."

603. - It's clear Ward used Yachuko as a human electronic brain,

604. a sort of impregnable safe to keep his secrets in.

605. - A safe that you know how to open, of course.

606. - I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

607. I'll be too busy for the next few days.

608. - Why, Doctor?

609. All you have to do is to walk around Monte Carlo

610. for the next few days until the police decide to let you go.

611. - "Which I doubt."

612. - And if I help you out,

613. you'll get me out,

614. is that what you mean?

615. - Freedom always has a price tag attached to it.

616. - "Oh, I guess we're early."

617. - "I hate that suit."

618. - Well, he's had it.

619. - Poor guy.

620. - I've never seen a knife like that before.

621. - "One side's a scaler and the other..."

622. - Let's see if there are any clues.

623. - "He died listening to Rush."

624. - "2112."

625. - Put it in the projector right away.

626. He may have had time to get a photo.

627. - "A pocket-sized machine that goes "ping"!"

628. - "This is the GAF Murder View master."

629. - Sister Chuck Yeager.

630. - "That flower actually takes

631. "pretty good pictures."

632. - Lotte Krayendorf.

633. - And it's Thanatos.

634. - Thanatos?

635. - One of the most powerful gangs in the world.

636. - "They beat me up when I was a kid."

637. - So they're mixed up in this, then.

638. - "What kind of a hospital are they running here?"

639. - This is beginning to look pretty serious.

640. - "We'd better bring Sean in."

641. - A spy movie is starting to sag

642. and Ed Asner is there.

643. - Looks like the Bigfoot video.

644. Same stride.

645. - Yup, pretty much.

646. "The Alps are beautiful but dumb."

647. - "From the street,

648. "this place looks really small

649. "but from the back it's huge."

650. - Wow.

651. - "Good God, I'm ugly.

652. "Scared my own children out of the nursery today."

653. - "I've decided.

654. "We're ordering from Schlotzsky's."

655. Standing in front of a Tromp?

656. - "We're ordering lunch.

657. "What do you want?"

658. - Excuse me.

659. I'm three minutes late.

660. - "That's okay, we're a pretty loose group."

661. - "Nice hat."

662. - "He's...

663. "three minutes..."

664. "late."

665. - Gentlemen.

666. - "Start your engines."

667. - Operation Black Mail—

668. - "Pro billy."

669. - Is drawing to a close.

670. - "It's been a lot of fun for all of us."

671. - To carry it through successfully

672. so that we may control the world's gold reserves

673. requires unfaltering discipline.

674. - "Splunge for me, sir."

675. - The central panels here represent the gold reserves

676. of the six wealthiest nations of the world.

677. And your respective duties are...

678. - "Wait for it."

679. - To lure these six powers

680. into our trap.

681. You realize, gentlemen—

682. - "I'm binding."

683. - That this is the greatest financial

684. undertaking in history.

685. - We've traced the Japanese girl.

686. She's in Malaga.

687. - Nice beanie.

688. - If you mean you want me to go with you to Spain,

689. I can't accept the invitation.

690. - But it's a quick trip and pleasant.

691. - Sorry, but I won't play any spy games.

692. If you let them snatch Yachuko from under your nose,

693. that's your fault.

694. - Take off the Tam O'Shanter.

695. - Wait a minute, you can't back out now.

696. I have a cable from the Minister of Health.

697. - The Minister of Hell?

698. - Putting you under my orders for a month.

699. - "Let's see, I like you."

700. "Do you like me?"

701. "Minister of Health."

702. - Operation Double O Girl Scout.

703. "I can't read."

704. - That's an order, Doctor.

705. - "Yes well kiss my white Scottish arse."

706. - Do I have time to change?

707. - Certainly.

708. I'll be waiting at the bar for you so hurry,

709. you have a plane to catch.

710. - "Waiting in the bar?"

711. - "In the bar."

712. - "I'm gonna get you, I will."

713. - "Just hanging out in the yard."

714. - Have you lost anything?

715. - Yes.

716. - "The top third of my dress."

717. - A button came off.

718. - A very thoughtful bow.

719. - She has handles.

720. - Thank you, it's very kind of you.

721. - Sure.

722. Any reward.

723. - "Yeah, can I get your brother's autograph?"

724. - Come on, Doctor, you've a plane to catch.

725. - One second, there's a reward I must collect.

726. - "Hey just remember your name is Neil Connery.

727. "Now get in the plane."

728. - You'll have to leave the account open.

729. Max is waiting for you at the airport.

730. - Double O, double entendre.

731. - I hope I see you again.

732. - I think she's neat.

733. - Man, it sounds like the British invasion's

734. waiting for a flight out.

735. - "And when you de-plane in Malaga,

736. "you'll be greeted by Manfred Mann."

737. - That's odd.

738. He should be here.

739. - "Do I have enough time to beat up the band?

740. - "They call it the mercy beat.

741. "In five minutes, you'll be screaming for mercy, thank you!"

742. - They're playing a penguin song.

743. - "Hey, it's Moneypenny,

744. "pull over it's Moneypenny."

745. - Thanks a lot.

746. - "That's okay."

747. "Will you marry me?"

748. - The telegram just came

749. and I left my dear little bride, Consuelo,

750. and all of the other guests in front of the church.

751. As you see, Max,

752. I'm getting married today.

753. - Moneypenny.

754. - Where is Yachuko?

755. - "Watch me dance."

756. - Oh, not another bow-losing.

757. - At first sight,

758. I took you for an azalea.

759. What have you lost now?

760. - My necklace.

761. It's so sweet to see you again, Doctor.

762. - Same to you.

763. - Hey it's Bernie from Room 222.

764. - Doctor Connery, you're so very kind, as usual.

765. - My pleasure.

766. I'm very kind by nature.

767. - I'll remember that.

768. - Hair by Jim Henson

769. - Why don't you remember it tonight?

770. - Hey, who's your favorite clown?

771. Bozo!

772. - That's me!

773. - Come on, Doctor.

774. - Sorry.

775. - "My caregiver."

776. - "My husband, Fang."

777. - "This Friday on streets."

778. - Oh, this must be the traditional call

779. to gambling in Monte Carlo.

780. - Go out and get some air, fatso.

781. - "Well, it's a little drafty in the winter

782. "but you can really stretch out."

783. - Yachuko.

784. - "Hey this isn't how we left her with you."

785. - "He who withdraws the blade is rightwise

786. "born king of England."

787. - Who's been here?

788. - "Um, some guy with a knife."

789. - The poor girl.

790. She didn't have anything to do with this.

791. - But this is not Yachuko.

792. - What?

793. - "There was no Yachuko."

794. - She's a double, I tell you.

795. A good double, but that's all.

796. - Solid double down the line.

797. - Are you sure?

798. - Positive.

799. I know her pretty well.

800. I've operated on her face.

801. - That means that they used her as bait

802. to keep us off the track.

803. - "Are you gonna marry me or what?"

804. - If you want to find the real Yachuko and still alive,

805. I've a feeling you'd better begin moving fast.

806. - "Go!"

807. - Right, what have you lost this time?

808. - I've lost my lighter.

809. - "And my dignity."

810. - Do you ever walk upright,

811. like other people?

812. - Pant suits from the Mary Tyler Moore collection.

813. - If I were a lighter, where would I go?

814. - Oh, there it is.

815. - Excuse me.

816. - There you are.

817. - "Do you have a nip... uh, cigarette?"

818. - Not in front of Sir Walter Raleigh!

819. - Flant, flant.

820. - My reward.

821. - That's it?

822. You've got gorgeous eyes, you know.

823. - Do you really like them?

824. - Very much.

825. - "Can I have one?"

826. - Oh Neil, this isn't right.

827. I don't think that...

828. - Ooh, she's got ackee on her face.

829. - Secret agent John Ivan Palmer.

830. - And now you will do whatever I want.

831. And you will tell me everything I want to know.

832. - "Let's talk hockey."

833. - And you must obey me.

834. Who sent you here?

835. Thanatos?

836. - Yes.

837. - Lip sync.

838. - Who is their chief?

839. - Edward Platt?

840. - I don't know.

841. Nobody knows.

842. - "What trouble I'll see."

843. - What are they planning?

844. - I don't know.

845. - Do you know where they've hidden Yachuko.

846. - Yes.

847. In Lotte's villa,

848. near Malaga.

849. Just past the crossroad of Marbella.

850. - "By a Tom Thumb."

851. - And is it heavily guarded?

852. - It's surrounded by a high tension fence.

853. And there's a machine gun, too.

854. - "Whether that's heavily guarded,

855. "I suppose it depends on your definition

856. "of heavily guarded."

857. - "Naughty."

858. "Can I get your brother's autograph?"

859. - You know, you've got beautiful eyes, too.

860. - "No, you've got beautiful eyes."

861. - "No, you've got beautiful eyes."

862. - "And then of course, I...

863. "Oh my God."

864. - Well, well, well.

865. It looks like nobody in your family is a rank amateur.

866. - "Let me get rearranged here."

867. - And to think this was supposed to be my wedding night.

868. - I'm sorry to break up your little tete-a-tete.

869. - Tete.

870. - But we've received information

871. that Yachuko is being held prisoner outside Granada.

872. - That's funny, the opposite direction.

873. - Who told you that?

874. - She told me.

875. - No, let her go,

876. or we might ruin everything.

877. - Wow! What a cigarette.

878. - Maximum tanning.

879. - The President's analyst.

880. - You know, some people can't wake up

881. no matter how many alarms they set.

882. - Stop now.

883. - Looks like you got an extra game there.

884. - "Sacre bleu.

885. "Sacre bleu, huh?"

886. - "Oh yeah, sacre bleu."

887. - "Let's go lift now."

888. - "You're looking good."

889. - It's all right, you can rest.

890. Calm down.

891. - Martha Graham with her hair down.

892. - They've made you suffer, haven't they.

893. How can they make such a pretty girl suffer like that?

894. - "I'm asking myself the same thing."

895. - You mustn't be afraid of me.

896. - "Here, have some new Miller Clear."

897. - We women understand each other, don't we?

898. Here.

899. - "Water. It's what's for dinner."

900. - Drink, it'll do you good.

901. - "Your bread will be out shortly.

902. "I'll let you look at the menu."

903. - What do you want from me?

904. I told you I don't know anything.

905. I really don't know anything.

906. - Why are you so obstinate?

907. - "I get it from my father."

908. - We know that Ward confided something to you.

909. - It's not true.

910. No, it's not true.

911. It's not true.

912. How many times do I have to tell you

913. I don't know anything?

914. - "Four?"

915. - How can I convince you?

916. - If you talk,

917. I shall reward you in a way you can't even imagine.

918. - "I'll leave."

919. - You live with me.

920. - "Do you smoke?"

921. - Like a princess.

922. - But I don't know anything.

923. I swear it.

924. - Welcome to noogie hell.

925. - "Hello, Vincent."

926. - "Hello, Theo."

927. - "Where is Vincent?"

928. - "I'm here, Theo."

929. - "Geese, I feel like Gargan in frickin Tahiti, here."

930. - "Man, I'm really hot.

931. "Are you hot?"

932. "Geese, I'm hot."

933. - "Charlie, you're my knight in shining armor."

934. - "Hey Greg, heard it through the grapevine."

935. - Is that darn thing going to work?

936. - Operation Double 00-Heehaw.

937. - If my calculations are correct,

938. the short circuit should cause a return of current

939. capable of blowing up the turret with the ammunition.

940. - "Anyway, I got Lulu backing me up."

941. - "Hoody hoo! Hoody hoo!"

942. - "This is your local utility company

943. "reminding you to call before you arch."

944. - Fran Lebowitz!

945. Let's beat it.

946. - Allons-y, everybody.

947. - Hi!

948. Welcome to a segment we like to call

949. "The Sean and Neil Show: Parallel Lives."

950. - In which we look at and contrast

951. the careers of Sean Connery and his brother Neil Connery.

952. Star of today's movie.

953. - Yeah, this line represents Sean's life.

954. This one represents Neil's life.

955. Give you an example.

956. Sean's acting talent is discovered at an early age

957. and leads to a long and lucrative film career.

958. - While Neil's talent for selling light bulbs

959. over the phone is discovered

960. leading to a long life of menial jobs and aimless drifting.

961. - Well, up here is when Sean gets his first million dollar

962. royalty check for the James Bond series.

963. - While Neil gets his first $65 unemployment check

964. after being laid off from The Cheese Factory.

965. - Yeah.

966. Here, Sean is declared Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine.

967. - While Neil is declared the Stinky Cap Man in room 4B

968. by the other tenants in his SRO Hotel.

969. - Here, Sean calls the most powerful

970. and influential people in Hollywood

971. and is put through immediately.

972. - While Neil calls Pizza Hut

973. and is told that they won't deliver to him

974. because of bounced checks.

975. - Here, Sean is quoted as saying,

976. "During the making of 'The Man Who Would Be King,'

977. "I had creative differences with director John Huston."

978. - While Neil is quotes as saying,

979. "My manager at the Happy Chef won't let me off

980. "for weekends, what a dink, man."

981. - Here, Sean goes to Spagos and is seated immediately.

982. - While Neil's hotplate malfunction

983. and burns down his shabby furnished room."

984. - So Joel, what about that point on the graph

985. where Sean's line actually goes lower than Neil's?

986. - Oh, well that was the point

987. where Sean agreed to do "Highlander 2: The Quickening,"

988. and ironically, that's when Neil had to comfort Sean.

989. - Oh boy.

990. You know, we should remind the nice folks out there

991. that this merely artistic speculation on our part

992. of Neil Connery's life.

993. For all we know, he's leading a prosperous,

994. happy existence on a farm in Scotland

995. with his beautiful wife and adoring children.

996. - That's right, Tom.

997. And no matter what's gone wrong with his life,

998. Neil can always look in the mirror and say to himself,

999. "Well, at least I didn't do Zardoz."

1000. - Right, and so Neil, wherever you are,

1001. we would all just like to say...

1002. Oh, we've got movie time!

1003. - That went well, don't you think that went well?

1004. - Yes, it did.

1005. - Thought that went well.

1006. - Don't move.

1007. - "Okay, move."

1008. - Let the girl go.

1009. - "If you love your hostage, let her go."

1010. - Drop that knife.

1011. Drop it.

1012. - Junior Samples and Linda Hunt

1013. in a deadly game of cat and mouse.

1014. - Watch out.

1015. - She's so calm.

1016. Her roommate just got shot and she's so calm.

1017. - The Sod Squad.

1018. Julie, Pig, Eb.

1019. - Let's go.

1020. - are raining hot lead.

1021. - Go on, I'll cover you.

1022. - "Camlon coming through, Camlon!"

1023. - Katherine Hepburn is the shakiest gun in the West.

1024. - "Cover me, Norman."

1025. The Rocketeer!

1026. Aw, it's the only way he can talk to women.

1027. - I am Ward.

1028. - "You are June."

1029. - Ward. I told you something about Thanatos.

1030. Remember what I told you about Thanatos?

1031. - Yes.

1032. Thanatos.

1033. - An atomic nucleus.

1034. - Good.

1035. What else did I tell you?

1036. - Code 22.

1037. Bar six.

1038. Two words.

1039. Tetouan.

1040. - "Two words. Bite. Me."

1041. - Judy Carne?

1042. - Wait a minute,

1043. she looks like Sheil Zanyar now.

1044. - She's a Tony girl.

1045. - Go on.

1046. What happens in Tetouan?

1047. - "Watch Bond take shorthand."

1048. - The blind work in Tetouan.

1049. - "Slow down."

1050. - The blind die in Tetouan.

1051. - "In Tetouan. Just a second."

1052. - The blind?

1053. Try again.

1054. - "Aw now come on."

1055. - Lady, you are due back on the Space 1999 set.

1056. - Joan Jet just walks in and she takes over.

1057. - Sorry.

1058. - "It's nothing."

1059. - I hoped to get here before she talked.

1060. - "Couldn't get a cab."

1061. - Perhaps I could have saved you.

1062. - "Oh, was I supposed to do that?"

1063. - "I'm-a pick it."

1064. - "And I'm-a kill it."

1065. "Nice going, you just killed Sacagawea."

1066. - What'd you get out of Yachuko?

1067. - Nothing much, mostly in a sort of code.

1068. It must be deciphered.

1069. - "As if I'm not busy enough."

1070. - She spoke also of Tetouan.

1071. Something strange, "The blind they die in Tetouan."

1072. - What else did she say to you?

1073. - "She wanted my brother's autograph."

1074. - It seems that Thanatos isn't joking.

1075. They're planning to steal an atomic nucleus.

1076. - An atomic nucleus?

1077. - "Oh that's what I used on the corn."

1078. - Why, that's not possible.

1079. - "North Dakota, before the apocalypse."

1080. - "Consider Northern Illinois University."

1081. - The atomic nucleus, and only a Jeep for an escort.

1082. - Hey, "Here Come the Brides" does a road show.

1083. - "Well, Matthew, it's a herd of Miss Kitties."

1084. - They can hit 60 in brief spurts.

1085. - Tail hook takes it on the road.

1086. - Woo!

1087. - A few good men meet a few naughty women.

1088. Oh la la.

1089. - It's a man's life in the new modern army.

1090. - "Our partridge family van broke down."

1091. - She looks like an oil fire.

1092. - "It's the pussadart band, no!"

1093. - They're just gonna tag them

1094. and check them for parasites.

1095. - Oh see? Gays in the military right there.

1096. - "Hi gals, when does the sex start?"

1097. ♫ Then Felina, goodbye"

1098. - They'll sleep till morning, now.

1099. - Just what are these women trying to liberate?

1100. - All right, girls, get out of those clothes.

1101. - Where angels go, trouble follows.

1102. - She could be a candidate for Big Bird.

1103. Definitely.

1104. - Bury my dress at Wounded Knee.

1105. - Now, let's get to work on the truck.

1106. - We gotta hit Le Pew's place.

1107. - So, the composer's whistling at them.

1108. - Am I tripping, Joel?

1109. - And Las Vegas was born.

1110. - You stop that.

1111. - Sorry.

1112. - They keep busy, don't they?

1113. - "You want to help out here, Susan?"

1114. - "Tonight, the Dirty Dozen meets Blanksy's Beauties."

1115. - "Seems like the seductress pole cat

1116. "had other things on her mind."

1117. - Well, let's go.

1118. - They're setting up a Goonie golf.

1119. - All right, drive on.

1120. - Terrorists were more fun back then.

1121. - This is even better than Mission Impossible

1122. when they take a street in LA and make it look like Belgium.

1123. - It's big Al Hirt and Pete Fountain

1124. marching us all outta this scene, thank you!

1125. - Woohoo!

1126. - Yahoo!

1127. "The hell was that?"

1128. - Gentlemen.

1129. - "I prefer blonds."

1130. - With his usual brilliance and imagination...

1131. - Carrot Top!

1132. - Beta has secured the atomic nucleus we need.

1133. - "Yes I did the atomic nucleus, you know?"

1134. - Now we are in position to continue with our plans.

1135. Beta will now explain to you

1136. the experiments our technicians have been carrying out.

1137. - "Dressed as showgirls."

1138. - Over the past few weeks.

1139. - "Thanks for the marvelous introduction, Irv,

1140. "I'll take it from here."

1141. - Gentlemen, I shall start by saying

1142. these are all just small-scale experiments.

1143. - These are all just small scale experiments.

1144. - But now, with this powerful material at our disposal,

1145. we are at last able to generate ultra-high frequencies.

1146. - Beep.

1147. - And to direct the magnetic wave

1148. to at least a third of the globe.

1149. All metals will be instantly affected.

1150. - "Arnolds will be bread and slaughtered."

1151. - Will fuse solidly.

1152. - "Cholitos will be half off."

1153. - All dynamos—

1154. - Dynamo hub.

1155. - Ships, planes,

1156. guns, tanks,

1157. armaments,

1158. everything mechanical...

1159. - "Must be sold."

1160. - Will become a useless lump of metal.

1161. - "Oh, and forks."

1162. - "From high atop

1163. "the Topkapi Palace in downtown Istanbul,

1164. "it's Fred Waring and his orchestra."

1165. - That may drop later.

1166. "Our remaining monkey brains have been reduced to $1.99."

1167. "Nice digs, huh, Susan?"

1168. - "Where's the guy with the pickled eggs?"

1169. - Take her to the red room.

1170. - "One more time."

1171. - They look like Electro Woman and Dyna Girl.

1172. - Other guests are coming.

1173. - From Europe.

1174. - Arthur Rubinstein and Sammy Cahn walking arm in arm.

1175. - Doctor.

1176. How nice to see you again.

1177. - Thank you.

1178. - One second.

1179. - "You're dressed as a space angel. Why?"

1180. - How lucky Maya asked you to come.

1181. I was going to get in touch with you to arrange a meeting.

1182. - "Could you feel this bump on my head."

1183. - Of course, the return game.

1184. I had no idea you were so interested in archery.

1185. - I'm not.

1186. It's your services as a plastic surgeon I'm interested.

1187. - Oohoo.

1188. - Why? Would you like to have your features changed?

1189. - Me? Oh no.

1190. I'm quite satisfied with my face

1191. and with my nose also.

1192. - "Although I do weathervane in high winds."

1193. - It's for a friend.

1194. He wants to become the exact double of another man.

1195. - "Bob Eubanks."

1196. - But for the time being,

1197. there's no need for you to understand.

1198. And of course...

1199. - "You don't."

1200. - You can state your own price.

1201. - Welch's?

1202. - For me, it's not a matter of money.

1203. It's primarily a matter of principal.

1204. - "Although I'm a little low today,

1205. "do you have 10 bucks?"

1206. - We'll come to an agreement, you'll see.

1207. We'll have time to talk about it.

1208. - "I lost my pockets."

1209. - "Bobbie Gentry, so good to see you again."

1210. - "I don't know who invited him."

1211. - Will you excuse me for a minute?

1212. I won't be long.

1213. - "I've been advised I look ridiculous."

1214. - I'm sure with so many beautiful girls around,

1215. you won't get bored.

1216. - "No, no, you're right.

1217. "'Cause women are just all over me,

1218. "I mean I got no problem, if you know what I mean."

1219. - "Rocky Mountain oysters?"

1220. - Thank you.

1221. No, thank you.

1222. - "Do you have any snack-ish type foods here?

1223. "Summer sausage, toothpicks maybe.

1224. "Those little mints..."

1225. - "Ron."

1226. - "David."

1227. - Well?

1228. What have you done?

1229. - Not very much.

1230. It's difficult.

1231. They're all afraid of Alpha.

1232. - Idiots.

1233. - Maybe they're right.

1234. After all, Alpha is powerful.

1235. - "He's got a good bench."

1236. - Come in.

1237. - There's a message from the Yacht.

1238. It's very urgent.

1239. - "Hi!"

1240. - "Well, let's see here, it says:

1241. "Take off that ridiculous get-up

1242. "and it's signed 'Yacht.'"

1243. - It's from Alpha.

1244. - "Who's having a good time."

1245. - He's set the date.

1246. He wants me to join him immediately.

1247. - "We're to be married."

1248. - What timing.

1249. - It'll be the last time he gives me an order.

1250. I'll destroy him,

1251. then I'll be the head of Thanatos.

1252. - It is very, very, risky.

1253. - Not for me.

1254. - What about the girls?

1255. Then they'd be dangerous witnesses.

1256. - As soon as the operation is over,

1257. the Yacht will blow up.

1258. - Remember folks, he can read lips.

1259. He is reading lips right now.

1260. - With the girls aboard?

1261. - Yes.

1262. - "Yes."

1263. - Maya, too?

1264. - It's inevitable.

1265. - "A Germany yellow frog."

1266. "What Bozo the piano chive,"

1267. "I used to be good at this."

1268. - There must be no witnesses.

1269. Only you will share my secret.

1270. - You know that you can trust me.

1271. - Now, let's go inside and see

1272. if we can convince them.

1273. - "And remember to have fun."

1274. - Marla Maples.

1275. - Doctor.

1276. - May I divert you from your meditation?

1277. - A coincidence, I was just thinking of you.

1278. - I'm flattered.

1279. - Looks like her tomato aspic got away from her.

1280. - Maya.

1281. - "There's a big bug on your head."

1282. - Your life is in danger, in serious danger.

1283. - Are you threatening me?

1284. - No, certainly not,

1285. but I have just overheard a conversation

1286. between your Mr. Thai and...

1287. - Who?

1288. - Yes I've seen few villas as beautiful as this one.

1289. It's quite splendid.

1290. - "Act natural, your lips might be bugged."

1291. "Oh, Donald."

1292. - Senor Mendoza.

1293. - "Jessie Norman wants her caftan back."

1294. - You're not going, are you?

1295. I was hoping to play a hand of chemin de fer with you.

1296. - I don't gamble, Mr. Thai.

1297. I only bet on winning horses.

1298. - That's why you should stay.

1299. - Melvin Laird is getting cheesed.

1300. - I have an important announcement to make.

1301. - "I'm Rue Mcclanahan."

1302. - I thought you had the voting majority.

1303. - As far as I'm concerned,

1304. this meeting never happened.

1305. Let's drop it and leave things as they are.

1306. - I shouldn't advise that.

1307. - "Oh, I'm sorry Colin."

1308. - I want to know whether

1309. you are with me or with Alpha.

1310. - "Or with child."

1311. - I warn you, be careful how you answer.

1312. - "The Beatles! Oh..."

1313. - You can put yourselves in a dangerous spot.

1314. - "Under my caftan."

1315. - It's a lot more dangerous to listen to you.

1316. - Ooh."

1317. - In a few days,

1318. Alpha will be dead.

1319. - "Chris Well predicts."

1320. - But no one will know except us.

1321. Within hours, I'll have an exact double for Alpha.

1322. - "Neat, huh?"

1323. - Everything will go on

1324. as if nothing happened.

1325. - Nothing has happened.

1326. - But...

1327. With this difference...

1328. - "Your hair can have more body and shine."

1329. - The new Alpha will be my man.

1330. - It's going to blow up soon.

1331. Maybe even tomorrow, with you on board.

1332. - "Um, you're kind of hard to dance with."

1333. - You read too many novels by Fleming.

1334. - "Jerry Fleming, Ian's brother."

1335. - I assure you it's true.

1336. Your life is in great danger.

1337. - "I'm that bad a dancer."

1338. "Seriously."

1339. - I'll keep everything under control somehow.

1340. - "With my control top panty hose.

1341. "But seriously."

1342. - If my information is right,

1343. you'll be indebted to me.

1344. - He sounds like Hercules.

1345. - Of course.

1346. - "Anyway."

1347. - Why does Mr. Thai hire only blind people

1348. in his rug factory?

1349. - "Wait, I know this one."

1350. - "Hi Largo."

1351. - I don't know, I've never been in there.

1352. Only blind people are allowed to go inside.

1353. - "And I'm blond.

1354. "But seriously I..."

1355. - Excuse me.

1356. - "I have to go talk to an interesting person."

1357. - "Well she seems nice enough."

1358. - "Should have had her bring me back some

1359. "three bean salad."

1360. - Standby to that sea station.

1361. - Ay, ay, sir.

1362. - Das bloat.

1363. - "Hm, I should get me one of those."

1364. - It's red October.

1365. Hi Sean.

1366. - "I could've gotten a ride on that,

1367. "I didn't want to."

1368. - "We've installed the screen door, sir."

1369. - "How do you get this thing out of reverse?"

1370. - "This man could win $5,000!"

1371. - Michael O'Donoghue.

1372. Hoohah.

1373. - Hoohah.

1374. - Hoohah.

1375. Oh brother.

1376. - "To sea or land?"

1377. - I hope he can read braille lips.

1378. - "You're new here."

1379. - "And they say a Lou Reed shall guide them."

1380. - Casting call for Name of the Rose.

1381. - It's the Boys in the Hoods.

1382. - Ooh, spicy.

1383. - You know, I bet Dolphin Temp has a hard time

1384. filling these positions.

1385. - "Bruno! Bruno!"

1386. - "All right, you win,

1387. "they're all blind."

1388. - "Dick Enberg, here."

1389. - Hold on to each other by the shoulder

1390. and come with me.

1391. - "Well, it felt like shoulder."

1392. - "Any of you sure play a mean pinball?"

1393. - Wait a minute,

1394. it's the blind leading the blind,

1395. leading the blind leading the blind,

1396. leading the blind, leading the blind,

1397. leading the blind.

1398. - "Um... Oh yeah I'm blind,

1399. "yeah I'm blind."

1400. - Listen, all of you.

1401. - "And you shall hear."

1402. - Here you will weave rugs.

1403. Don't worry.

1404. It's a simple, easy job.

1405. You'll get your food

1406. and your family will get your pay.

1407. - "There is a Coke machine in the break room."

1408. - Each one of you will be placed at the loom

1409. and will begin with an easy task.

1410. With a little goodwill,

1411. you will learn quickly.

1412. And now get to work.

1413. - "We'll start with a hot pad holder first."

1414. - Wait a minute,

1415. he's infiltrated a quilting bee.

1416. - "Goodwill industries, now it can be told."

1417. - Somebody heard him looking.

1418. - "Pretty good.

1419. "Good enough for the state fair."

1420. - "What's this?

1421. "The blind weaving the blind?

1422. "Wall to wall trouble in Carpetland USA?"

1423. - You know, ironically,

1424. Connery wears a rug.

1425. - That's very clever.

1426. - Oh, who's the sign for?

1427. - Oh that must be where they make

1428. the nuclear-powered rugs.

1429. - Ah.

1430. - "Shut the door,

1431. "I do believe I'm developing pictures of rugs in here."

1432. - Hot I Baltimore.

1433. Hot I Baltimore.

1434. Hot I Baltimore.

1435. - "Would you please stop tapping like that?"

1436. - You know, a buffet would never work in this place.

1437. - "Are you Hank?"

1438. - "No."

1439. - "You smell like Hank."

1440. - This is like Silkwood,

1441. only in a rug factory.

1442. - Silkworm.

1443. - You've got some marmalade on your hand.

1444. - You're working with radioactive material,

1445. it will kill you.

1446. - What is it that you mean by that?

1447. - "Sometimes I think you want me to fail."

1448. - You are working with radioactive materials,

1449. do you understand?

1450. - "Yeah, well I get paid $2 more an hour."

1451. - It will kill you.

1452. - They are trying to murder us,

1453. that is why we have the source, we must go.

1454. - Neil is a skilled rebel-rouser.

1455. - Guys, that's not the door that's the corridor.

1456. - "I'm staying, I need the money."

1457. - Let us out of here.

1458. - "It's gonna take you, the police,

1459. "the fire department and the National Guard

1460. "to get me out of here."

1461. - "Hey, this is kind of fun!"

1462. - You know, this must be 5 o'clock on a Friday.

1463. You want it when?

1464. - "Quit jostling me,

1465. "can't you tell I am fragile?"

1466. - "Now everybody, be sure to sign

1467. "Vicky's birthday card before you leave,

1468. "she won't be here on Monday."

1469. - Well, looks like Casual Day backfired.

1470. - All right, let him go.

1471. - "Oh, gee, I was just on the road to Damascus

1472. "and whamo! Look at me."

1473. - Is he wearing a braille jacket?

1474. - "He's pretty good, huh?"

1475. - "Bad touch."

1476. - Your Arabic is quite good.

1477. However, it dates from the time of the crusades,

1478. Dr. Connery.

1479. - "Oh, I could never fool you,

1480. "give me a hug."

1481. - "Is it my scene now?

1482. "Largo, is it mine now? Huh?"

1483. - "Ladies and gentlemen,

1484. "Maynard Ferguson in the centennial senior high school gym."

1485. - "Bobby Joe get back here."

1486. - You're an extraordinary man, Doctor.

1487. - "I know."

1488. - "Let me show you my time life labyrinth."

1489. - Imaginative and resourceful.

1490. - "Nice sense of humor, too."

1491. - It's too bad you prepared to play on the opposing team.

1492. - Too bad, from your point of view.

1493. - Ooh.

1494. - Yes.

1495. But it is my point of view that counts.

1496. - "I know you are but what am I?"

1497. - If you'd done me the small favor I'd asked...

1498. - "We'd be in marketing by now."

1499. - There would have been...

1500. - "More chip dip."

1501. - No such complications as these.

1502. Now, you'll have to operate anyway,

1503. under less favorable circumstances.

1504. You understand?

1505. - Well, what else can I do?

1506. - "Again, ooh."

1507. - "It's a new car!"

1508. - "Oh neat, where's the bar?"

1509. - Here is your patient, Doctor.

1510. - "Doctor, patient.

1511. "Patient, doctor."

1512. - Everything's ready for you.

1513. I want to be generous.

1514. - "So, here's a quarter."

1515. - In return for your services...

1516. - "You get to rub my tummy."

1517. - Your life.

1518. ♫ You've come a long way baby

1519. - "Can I borrow your nice skirt

1520. "for the party on the deck?"

1521. - Call all the girls, I've got to warn them.

1522. I've just learned that we're going to have to fight

1523. for our lives.

1524. That's decided to blow up the yacht

1525. with all of us aboard.

1526. Come on.

1527. - "That's a bad thing, right?"

1528. - If it stops, so will yours.

1529. - "Look, I just came in for a hair cut,

1530. "really just a little off the sides."

1531. - "Okay,

1532. "how are we today?

1533. "Good, good, uh-huh.

1534. "Looking good.

1535. "How's that little prostate problem?"

1536. - All right, you can go.

1537. - "Can we have the night canopy please?"

1538. - You know, I think that operating room

1539. clashes with the couch.

1540. - Just relax.

1541. You're tired.

1542. You want to rest.

1543. That's right, relax.

1544. - "Yes, yes."

1545. - You have nothing to fear.

1546. - "We're going to enter your nostril now."

1547. - Good.

1548. - Steve Austin.

1549. - Relax.

1550. That's right.

1551. - "That's it, yes, yes, yes.

1552. Couple of tucks, he could be Roy Thinnes.

1553. - Deep, deep sleep.

1554. - "Where was your chest on the no the 23rd?"

1555. - Aw, he kyped that speaker from a drive-in.

1556. - As soon as Connery has completed the operation...

1557. - "You'll get new sweaters."

1558. - I want him eliminated.

1559. - "Ew."

1560. - "Hi."

1561. - Hello.

1562. - It's Toni Basil.

1563. - Ooh.

1564. - Hey, the Lust Boat.

1565. - Boy, women have really broken

1566. through the glass ceiling in this movie.

1567. - Yeah but there's a guy looking up through it.

1568. - "Women, can't live with them,

1569. "can't live without 'em."

1570. - It's closing time at Hooters.

1571. - He deserved that.

1572. - "It was worth it!"

1573. - Ole!

1574. - Now you will follow my instructions.

1575. - "Sit. Stay."

1576. - You won't have a moment of peace until it's all finished.

1577. - "Can you even dye my eyes to match my doll?"

1578. - "Any old time."

1579. "Well, I see here that you haven't been flossing."

1580. - "Now, how do you like your martini,

1581. "shaken or stirred?"

1582. - "I'm taking the President's nose."

1583. - No go.

1584. - "The anesthetic wore off!"

1585. "I love you, damn it!"

1586. - "Police Squad, in color."

1587. - "Take this John Entwistle."

1588. - "Oh, oh Danny, let's settle this in court."

1589. - Watch out for the model ship!

1590. - "An actual donnybrook in easy-spirit pumps."

1591. - "It's the whackiest ship in the Navy."

1592. - "When up with people goes bad."

1593. - That was a real Capezio kick.

1594. - "Did someone say fight?"

1595. - "Enter the Chiropractor."

1596. - Chuck Taylors.

1597. - "Stop this scene right now."

1598. - That violates some rules.

1599. - "I woke up, you weren't there, I hate that."

1600. - Watch out for the model.

1601. - "The hell?"

1602. - Right into a Bob Fosse routine.

1603. - Mrs. Partridge, look out!

1604. - "No, this is a one-seater, Homer."

1605. - It's hullabaloo or...

1606. Where the action is or hootenanny.

1607. - Happening 68?

1608. - Yeah.

1609. - If Sam Peckinpah directed The Boatniks.

1610. What? He's wearing a linus shirt.

1611. - That's no reason to hit him.

1612. - There's no end to this little blue guys.

1613. - Take these.

1614. - "Oh that's a cute top, Cindy,

1615. "where'd you get it?"

1616. - "Not now."

1617. - "Sorry."

1618. - Well that is one figure-hugging turtleneck there.

1619. - "Oh, poopy."

1620. - Licorice?

1621. - Oh no.

1622. - Oh great, now the boat's sinking.

1623. - I finally got used to that.

1624. - Wait a minute,

1625. he's becoming part of his own entertainment center.

1626. - "'Scuse me, pardon me,

1627. "coming through, oh 'scuse me,

1628. "oh broke a nail, oh, hi!

1629. "Oh, oh, 'scuse me, pardon me,

1630. "oh, I'm sorry, hi Betsy!

1631. "Oh, 'scuse me, pardon me, oh."

1632. - "And then Svelko shows his true colors

1633. "of yellow and flees the Calipso."

1634. - "And as we left the clam flowage that day—"

1635. - Stop that.

1636. - Let's see ya hypnotize them from here, Mr. Cool.

1637. - He's heading there.

1638. - We can't worry about that right now.

1639. We've got to find Thanatos headquarters.

1640. Now, the radioactive rugs were made at the factory.

1641. Where were they sent?

1642. - I really never knew that,

1643. but once I heard,

1644. something about a place near Munich.

1645. Munich!

1646. - No, no, no.

1647. - Come on, just let me try to hypnotize you.

1648. Crow likes it.

1649. - You can't make me,

1650. you can't make me,

1651. you can't make me.

1652. - Ah, Joel.

1653. So sorry to interrupt your little skit,

1654. but Frank would like to do a number.

1655. I was a little hard on him during the invention exchange.

1656. So, here's our own TV's Frank,

1657. accompanying himself on the accordion

1658. with the haunting "Beer barrel polka."

1659. Humor him, okay?

1660. - And a one, and a two,

1661. and a one two three four.

1662. - Ah, that's rather nice.

1663. Not really a polka,

1664. or a march.

1665. It's good, though.

1666. Very familiar.

1667. - Here are the Mr. Pibbs that you ordered, sir.

1668. - Ah thank you,

1669. just put them on the—

1670. You!

1671. What the?

1672. - Mr. Pibb.

1673. I specifically ordered a Diet Squirt.

1674. - I'm so sorry, gentlemen,

1675. I'll make it right.

1676. - No, no, Frank,

1677. have the Mr. Pibb,

1678. you can have the Mr. Pibb this time.

1679. - No.

1680. My doctor says I can't have Mr. Pibb.

1681. - Frank, I'm your doctor,

1682. and I say "have the Mr. Pibb."

1683. - Master wanted you to have

1684. these coupons

1685. for our veggie feast.

1686. He wanted you to have them but I'm giving them to you.

1687. - Thank you.

1688. Thank you very much.

1689. Thank you.

1690. - Yes, have a nice day.

1691. - I was.

1692. - Thank you, goodbye.

1693. - Oh um,

1694. may I use your bathroom.

1695. - There, on the left.

1696. All right, let's land.

1697. Directional relevator indicates that's the spot.

1698. - High on the hill lived the lonely goat herd,

1699. so you might wanna take an alternate route this afternoon.

1700. - This place is crawling with chathans.

1701. - Maybe you should land before you get out.

1702. - "Honey, you got your keys?"

1703. "Your keys."

1704. - She's nude.

1705. - She's smooth.

1706. - "This feels great, pleather is really something."

1707. - I'm beginning the countdown.

1708. - Begin countdown.

1709. - "Knock it off, Trevor."

1710. - 120 seconds.

1711. - A warning signal.

1712. It's Connery.

1713. He's found the secret entrance.

1714. - Such a curious man.

1715. I'll satisfy his curiosity.

1716. Let him in.

1717. - Double 007 is on.

1718. - Turn it off.

1719. - 114.

1720. - "Sir, someone's doing a drunk test outside."

1721. - 112.

1722. 111.

1723. 110.

1724. - "I'm gonna shut you down until about 20,

1725. "okay Trevor?

1726. "Trevor!"

1727. - 107.

1728. - Connery's now in the tunnel.

1729. - Oh, now it's the Outer Limits.

1730. - "I'm not going in the tunnel.

1731. "Oh, I am in the tunnel.

1732. "Imagine that."

1733. - "Boy it reeks down here."

1734. - "Hey, put that thing away."

1735. - Stop right there.

1736. - Well, she's not the only smooth one.

1737. - "That's for stealing my naugahyde couch."

1738. - Maya, you better call London.

1739. - Alternate vibrators.

1740. - Alternate vibrators inserted.

1741. Hey!

1742. - You can't say that.

1743. - So how come everybody's got

1744. Count Basie following 'em?

1745. - Heidi's grown up.

1746. - Uh oh.

1747. - The back stabbas stabbas.

1748. "Thank you, Ron Popeil."

1749. - "Hm, what would my brother do?"

1750. - Oh that must be the fine arts building.

1751. - So I guess nobody's gonna notice

1752. the guy in the tan suede ranch jacket, are they?

1753. - No.

1754. - Sonra's band.

1755. - "Aw leave me alone."

1756. - "Airwolf meets Dr. Zhivago."

1757. - "Should we be moving or something?"

1758. - Hey everybody,

1759. when that lady gets off the helicopter,

1760. check out her pants.

1761. - "Wait, can I get the...

1762. "Oh, where's the valet? Forget it."

1763. - "Hello Mrs. Pants, I mean..."

1764. - "Give me an espresso, please."

1765. - It's terribly urgent.

1766. - London, in England?

1767. How do you expect to do that?

1768. - On the telephone.

1769. Please, help me, it's a matter of life or death.

1770. - You can try,

1771. I don't know if you'll get through.

1772. - Well, there's Waldo.

1773. - 31.

1774. - 30 seconds.

1775. - Magnetic intensity at concentration levels.

1776. - Thank you, Charles Aznavour.

1777. - 27.

1778. - Wave.

1779. - Magnetic wave ready to function.

1780. - That's just an elaborate clothes dryer.

1781. - Hello, London.

1782. Extension 142.

1783. I want to speak with Commander Cunningham immediately,

1784. it's terribly urgent.

1785. Never mind who I am, hurry!

1786. - Five.

1787. - Bottles of beer on the wall.

1788. - Four.

1789. - Bottles of beer on the wall.

1790. - Three.

1791. Two.

1792. - A castle up a hill?

1793. - "At lonely goat herd?"

1794. - But how far from Munich?

1795. - One.

1796. - Singular sensation.

1797. - The headquarters are 20 miles from—

1798. - "What happened?"

1799. - Hello, hello.

1800. - I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello.

1801. We've been cut off.

1802. - "Well, I'm not calling her back."

1803. - I'm wondering...

1804. - "What do the simple folk do?"

1805. - "Whatever will this do to my underwear or bra?"

1806. - "Where's my espresso?"

1807. - "Oh, that does it.

1808. "Now where did I park?"

1809. - She's smooth.

1810. You've got to admit it.

1811. - Oh boy, you know those slack hurt me.

1812. - McCloud.

1813. - "So, Mr. Bond's brother."

1814. - I'm happy to have you as my guest again.

1815. I'll show you how the operation works

1816. on our anti-magnetic equipment.

1817. - "Oh, you get A and E."

1818. - Quite neat, don't you think?

1819. And that's the last favor I can do you.

1820. I only allowed you to live because I wanted you

1821. to witness my success.

1822. I've got what I wanted

1823. without your help.

1824. Take him away.

1825. - "I think I'm supposed to have

1826. "some snappy comeback here but..."

1827. - "No, further.

1828. "Keep going.

1829. "Don't look at me like that."

1830. - Suddenly it's the Brothers fricking Karamazov.

1831. - Good, the magnetic wave has blocked it.

1832. - Aren't you a champion archer, too?

1833. - No, sorry about that.

1834. I'm a pretty good fighter, though,

1835. and I guess that can be useful, too.

1836. - "Can it?"

1837. ♫ Their cars broke

1838. - Look, they outlawed night.

1839. - "You guys look really stupid

1840. "in plastic pants, plastic pants."

1841. - Oh boy, another stare down with Neil.

1842. - "Go mental."

1843. - "Rick, what's wrong with you?"

1844. "There's my Philip screwdriver."

1845. - I wish they'd stop pretending this is exciting."

1846. - Hey, that looks just like a U2 video.

1847. - Come on you guys,

1848. that's Neil Connery,

1849. you should be able to get him.

1850. - "Oh my pants, my pants."

1851. - Come on.

1852. - "Oh, what a time for a fire drill."

1853. - Ha, see how that alligator skin hat helps you now.

1854. - "Come on girls, they hurt Buddy!"

1855. - "Mammy."

1856. - They shot Jolson.

1857. - "Wait, that's not, no..."

1858. - "Gimme it, I got it."

1859. - Where are you going?

1860. - To try to blow up the tower.

1861. - Take this.

1862. - "My grandma gave it to me."

1863. - Anti-magnetic...

1864. - "Thing!"

1865. - Can I set the dial?

1866. - Sure you can.

1867. - Good.

1868. - We'll cover you.

1869. - "Okay we'll meet you there."

1870. - It's the Elmer Fudd Brigade.

1871. Ooh, fell right on it.

1872. Ooh, again.

1873. - Ooh, come on.

1874. - "Well, let's see here."

1875. - Trade ya.

1876. - Wow, new archer must be on this case.

1877. - Geeze everybody gets a turn here, huh.

1878. - Encore. Mammy!

1879. Mr. Belvedere!

1880. - "Better park the hard drive here, let's see."

1881. - "This is your last chance for a witty remark."

1882. - At your own game, Doctor.

1883. - That's a perfect set up

1884. for a witty remark, come on.

1885. - "Come on, Doctor.

1886. "It's not good if you don't retort.

1887. "It can be anything.

1888. "It can be about my nose,

1889. "or my stupid alligator suit, anything!"

1890. - "Hey, that's not fair."

1891. - "Geeze, you're soggy in this suit."

1892. - Okay use the stunt batch.

1893. - Ow.

1894. - You know guys,

1895. I think this is about more than just magnetizing.

1896. - Goes much deeper.

1897. Stunt Largo, look guys.

1898. - Yup.

1899. Hey, somebody punched the foley guy.

1900. - "Okay...

1901. "Okay take back everything you ever said about me."

1902. - "Oh man am I moist.

1903. "Tony Fields was never this moist."

1904. - "Ha ha, prepare to meet Khalee's brother

1905. "near hell."

1906. - "Bow fight at the O.K. Corral."

1907. - "I'm gonna do it!"

1908. - You know he's gonna need a vinyl patch kit.

1909. - Yup.

1910. - Oh are these guys still at it?

1911. Good grief.

1912. - They're beating up Lebeau.

1913. - You know for some reason,

1914. I like the fight on the boat better.

1915. - Me too.

1916. "Uh, hey Vern."

1917. - A uvula.

1918. "Hey everybody, there's a party going down at... oh."

1919. - We've got to get out before the tower blows up.

1920. - "Well."

1921. - "Oh, and I forgot to tell you earlier

1922. "that there's a tower that's going to blow up in this

1923. "soon."

1924. - Oh, I just got it.

1925. That's the tower that's gonna blow up.

1926. - Yeah, he didn't tell us about it.

1927. - Quick.

1928. - "Are we gonna die?

1929. "We're really not that far away."

1930. - "The Brigadoon compound exploded today.

1931. "Fiona and Meg escaped unharmed.

1932. "Unfortunately, Bonnie Dean has died."

1933. - Kinda like watching Bonanza in reverse.

1934. - That must be the Thunderball

1935. I heard them talk about so much.

1936. - "Hey relax, we won, you hothead."

1937. - Okay, Connery, okay.

1938. You were fantastic.

1939. You even made my best agents look like beginners.

1940. - Oh I shouldn't think so, Commander.

1941. I was lucky.

1942. - No, you're too modest.

1943. You should have seen your brother's face, Doctor.

1944. When he heard of it.

1945. - "Settle back with a smooth Canadian club."

1946. - If you happen to have a few days free,

1947. I was thinking...

1948. I'd be happy to have you back in the reserves

1949. at the rank of Major.

1950. - "If I wasn't so plastered right now."

1951. - You would?

1952. - "Here's the church, the steeple,

1953. "and the sleeple."

1954. - "Boy George?"

1955. - Major.

1956. - "Nelson?"

1957. - What was I saying?

1958. - That you have to return to London immediately.

1959. Isn't that right, Commander?

1960. - "It works on my brain, too."

1961. - Yes, of course.

1962. I must return immediately.

1963. - "I'm a famous lounge singer.

1964. "I am?"

1965. - "Mrs. Norman Maine."

1966. - "This is the part my brother told me about."

1967. - "Yes, I should take my own life, yes."

1968. - "Angel of death, high powered rifle."

1969. - "We're having fun at his expense,

1970. "it's fun."

1971. - Ready girls?

1972. Let's go.

1973. - He probably hypnotized her into liking him.

1974. - Yeah, I should think that life would lose

1975. a lot of its zip if you had ultimate power over everyone.

1976. - Sean Connery's brother won't be back again.

1977. In anything.

1978. - How do you suppose this happened?

1979. - We're stuck to the wall.

1980. - Aw, crimmeny.

1981. - Holy cats.

1982. - Are you guys stuck to the wall?

1983. - Yeah.

1984. - We're immobilized.

1985. - We're stuck!

1986. - Oh I bet I know whose idea this was.

1987. Sirs, was this your idea?

1988. - Hm? Why Joel, I...

1989. You got me.

1990. I saw the movie,

1991. remembered I had my old magnetizer.

1992. These things are great.

1993. Gotta admit, it's pretty funny.

1994. "I'm stuck to the wall!"

1995. - It's no use, Joel,

1996. it ain't gonna work.

1997. I'm stuck.

1998. - Quick, give me rocket number nine.

1999. Very funny, Sirs,

2000. but I'll have you know that you're probably interrupting

2001. intercontinental communication.

2002. - Yeah.

2003. - Ooh, wouldn't wanna do that.

2004. Don't worry, we'll demagnetize you guys later.

2005. - How about a Ricola now?

2006. Until next time, Joel,

2007. Auf weidersen.

2008. - Thank you.